The Crookeds and The Straights

Now that we've found love...

2008-09-30T09:42:00.002-04:00

FIRST THINGS FIRST: SEPTEMBER 30 2008
That was not a good night's sleep. Sleeping will take some getting used to.

It's the dream of the fight...

2008-09-29T12:54:00.002-04:00

FIRST THINGS FIRST: SEPTEMBER 29 2008
PART I: Damn, I'm sweaty. This comforter still smells.
PART II: I'm not even friends with Kim Kardashian.

Rising up, back on the streets...

2008-09-28T10:52:00.002-04:00

FIRST THINGS FIRST: SEPTEMBER 28 2008

Hold up. They're just gonna get away with that?

Hit me on my Banner prepaid wireless...

2008-09-27T10:04:00.002-04:00

FIRST THINGS FIRST: SEPTEMBER 27 2008

Man, I hope those clothes in the washer don't stink.

Everyone's a winner...

2008-09-26T21:49:00.002-04:00

So, I woke up the other day with an entirely bizarre but not altogether surprising thought and was thunderstruck by an idea I'm gonna run with for a bit.

What's the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning?

FIRST THINGS FIRST: SEPTEMBER 26 2008

My mouth is really dry. I should have taken a Centrum last night.

Doesn't matter if it's profound or mundane or entirely bizarre, THROW DOWN.

Vain aging man with your eye on the young girls...

2008-09-01T18:34:00.003-04:00

This week is a bit of a hybrid: it's sort of a general annoyance, but kind of a guilty pleasure mixed with a little more self-annoyance. Or something.

Say What?: Butchered Song Lyrics

"In the dark of night, rising like a spider" - Burning Heart by Survivor. It's spire, not spider.
"Stomp on your fingers, the blame is on me" - On Bended Knee by Boyz II Men. While it's fine if you want to stomp on your own fingers, it might be more agreeable to stop pointing them.
"I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave" - Kiss From A Rose by Seal. It's grey rather than grave and despite that clarification, I'm not entirely sure what the phrase means.
"Pretty eyed, bright red smile" - Tiny Dancer by Elton John. This seamstress for the band indeed had a pirate smile.
"And then a man called out exclaims" Part-Time Lover by Stevie Wonder. Though our wife's jump-off might stand outside our house and start yelling, he would more likely call our exchange.

If music be the food of love, play on. Just get the effing words right. Throw down.

No more borderlines...

2008-08-26T11:55:00.004-04:00

It's been a minute, but I'm back in full effect (cue: dookie chain and Gumby fade). Let's kick it.

Megametropolis: Joys of City Life

Lights: I grew up in the country and when I was driving down to visit recently, I couldn't help but find myself suddenly realizing it was dark as hell out.
Things open late: Because life continues past 6 o'clock.
Around The Way Girls: Baby hair and bamboo earrings do it for me.
Reliable public transport: Because drunk driving is not tight.
Ethnic food vendors: Fully worth the Green Card.

Throwin' on down, throwin' on down the roooooaddddd...

The bold have steel for nerves...

2008-08-08T02:09:00.004-04:00

Since I'm always trying to be prolific, I've decided to, for the time being, forgo putting up the 'best of the best' lists until a later date. I get the feeling people get tuckered out by the time they get to the week's topic and it's probably best to put the most participatory thing first. If you're interested in what others had to say from previous weeks, peep the comments section or facebook--assuming you have the hookup like that. Now onto the business...

Get on your J-O: Workplace Annoyances

Nametags: I know it makes for a friendlier experience, but don't call me by my first name unless you know me like that.
Greeting people: I couldn't care less if you enjoy your workout or not.
Dumb customers: No; you can't bring your cousin in for free. Yes; we are really enforcing that rule now. No; I'm not convinced you suddenly don't understand English, my ethnic friend.
Training sessions: I wish I could say I was paying attention so I could further grasp the nuance of whatever is being taught, but my mind has been occupied by the thought of anything that's not what my trainer is saying.
The time clock: It's not like I'm working the whole eight hours anyway, right?
Faking productivity: It's bad enough I'm watching the seconds of my life tick away, that I have to hold a phone pretending to make a sales call while doing it is just undignified.
Days off: Just more time to wonder why I have a job that requires a nametag.
Training manuals: Corporate enthusiasm is even more obnoxious on paper.
Using the bathroom: Nothing wrong with the facilities themselves, save for the plethora of old man nut sac I tend to encounter on the way there.
Lack of abstraction: I did sell a membership...I didn't sell a membership...I did sell a membership...I didn't...premier plus system 30...contact management...T.I. on line one...red t-shirt...nametag...nametag...red t-shirt...all work with no texture makes Jack want to hit himself with a tack hammer...

There you have it, friends. THROW DOWN.

You are the last dragon...

2008-07-28T19:34:00.003-04:00

This must be a tough time to post to websites--it being summer and my not being an internet icon yet--but I appreciate the goonies who took the time to display their potty mouths.

What The %#$%#!: Peoples' Edition

1. "Fuckallat" - Translation: "I'm not interested in hearing anything that you have to say" (Masterfully used by Soulja Boy to Ice-T) or in general disdain for a present state of being.

2. "Love the SHIT out of it"

3. "Pussy Assed Muthaf*cka"- Reserved for men who are acting like little girls. Not used often, but feels really good when appropriate.

4. "Shower Bag"- this somehow evolved into my vocabulary from douchebag.

5. "Douchesnozzle" (Substitute for "asshole", "douchebag")

And a bonus from a pal...

Opening line of David O. Russell's movie, I Heart Huckabees = best cursing ever:

Albert Markovski: Mother-fucking, cocksucker, mother-fucking, shit-fucker, what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. Just, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Fucker. FuckShit.

It just doesn't get better than that. It's a monologue I've committed to memory and find myself reaching back for often.

Now, perhaps because the pressure to be innovative is finally beginning to break my spirit or simply because people often bring up old shit with regard to this project, I'm bringing back...Guilty Pleasures.

Per le usual, I shall go first...

Guilty Pleasures Redux

1. White girls with big booties
2. Figuring out neat home remedies a la homemade wiper fluid or how to keep buttons on shirts
3. Putting money away so I can treat myself to a pedicure
4. Catching myself holding my crotch in public
5. Farting and leaving the scene of the crime

Don't just browse. Throw down.

Day was for play and night just for sleeping...

2008-07-22T10:01:00.002-04:00

So... you guys don't particularly care for weddings. Understood.

Let's jump into this week's topic

What The #@%*$!: Pleasures of Cursing

Everyone's got a favorite less-than-acceptable- word or phrase which they let lose from their lips in moments of joy, annoyance, anger, ecstasy, etc. Shit, even if it's not an honest swear, if it's something you use in the place of one--we'll call them Diet Swears--let 'er rip. You know I have no problem going first on this one. I'll even supply short explanations, because I'm that kind of guy.

1. Mufucka - Just too versatile, too fluid, too good
2. "Whatever the fuck ever" - A good response to hearing something absurd
3. "Fuck that shit" - A refusal to something that may endanger body, soul or G
4. Darnit - If I really hurt myself doing something and try to hold the pain in
5. "Ho ass bitch" - Non-gender specific; assigned to chumps of all races, sexes and creeds
6. Fuckery - A new classic; In the same family as: boondoggle, debacle or fiasco
7. Hoetry - A special from a friend; A lighter version of fuckery
8. "Fuck n****s"- A term of disgust or contempt for chumps. See also: Ho ass bitch

No bitchassness, friends. Throw down.

If I leave here tomorrow...

2008-07-14T16:42:00.003-04:00

You know what the business be.

The Etymology of Annoying: Peoples' Edition

1. Do you speak Indian?

2. "Natch" as an abbreviation for "naturally"
3. Affected accents (i.e. when Madonna became British)
4. "No?!"
5. Cool beans
6. "That person flicked me off!" UGH, it's FLIPPED; they FLIPPED you the bird, not flicked!
7. Make love. It's always skeezed me out for some reason
8. "Dat's wassup." (no, "dat" isn't and, probably won't ever be, what's up)
9. "Yeah, but nah..." (as a response/transitional phrase - probably a more southern thing)
10. "I know, right?"

And in the spirit of the recent hitching of my buds, the theme for this week...

Broom Jumping: Wedding Pleasures

1. Hearing good vows
2. Being around old friends and being able to pick up right where you left off
3. It being perfectly OK to double-fist drinks
4. It being hard to be "that drunk guy"

5. Flirting with quite seeming like a scumbag

Throw down or forever hold your peace.

Don't make me wash my hands...

2008-07-07T19:10:00.006-04:00

Here, dear friends, is the Peoples' Edition of Bright College Years. Since people were rather spirited in their responses, I've decided to include more than usual. Enjoy.

Bright College Years: The Peoples' Edition

1. CHEAP beer and booze (If I have to pay over $5 for a drink, I'm all "WTF?")
2. Football season and the requisite tailgates
3. Heckling at sporting events for free
4. The weekend starts on Thursday
5. Theme parties
6. Befriending Professors you truly like
7. Between class naps (a throwback from kindergarten)
8. Toads: The sketchiest place on earth

9. Booty calls over AIM
10. BOXED WINE

11. 3 am hook-ups between orgo sets
12. Waking up at the crack of noon
13. BASEMENT PARTIES!!!!!!!
14. Three square meals a day (without the felony)
15. $700 lasting you a semester
16. Ramen Noodles
17. Free condoms at the student government building
18. Having other people do your work for you and turning it in as a "group project"
19. Waking up at 9am on Saturday to the sound of a keg, a bubbler, and ESPN questioning, "Who is Kevin Smith?"
20. The first time you see two females kiss in person
21. WALK OF SHAME

22. Student employment jobs paying ridiculous amounts per hour for doing relatively little
23. Dressing skanky for Halloween without persecution
24. Sweatpants as acceptable clothing choices
25. Free unlimited abortions (never used, but the security was reassuring for my Christian guilt.)
26. 5 hour lunches involving breakfast lunch dinner crossover
27. "I drank too much last night" being a legitimate excuse for just about anything
28. Useless required classes that are easy As
29. Naps on the window seat, above the heater
30. Sleeping with my friend's architecture TA
31. WGNs ( You either know or you don't)

Now for this week's theme...

The Etymology of Annoying

1. Irregardless
2. I could care less
3. Sketchy
4. Too bad (This one's more Yale-centric)
5. "Definately"
6. Conversate

Everybody's got a word or phrase or saying that really chaps their ass. Throw down.

Stronger than papa's old brandy...

2008-06-30T10:21:00.003-04:00

Once again, the voice of the people...

I Am Annoying: Peoples' Edition

1.I'm not from Jersey, so I can't scream "Jerz!" at the top of my lungs
2. My eyes don't do crazy things in different light
3. Exercise-induced asthma
4. My face still breaks out like I'm 15
5. I get really offended when a colleague confronts me about work-related issues
6. That I can't put down the haze

7. That I can't make it through a Power Hour
8. My love/hate relationship with Beyonce
9. I'm jealous of people I don't even know
10. My hair grows too slowly to keep up with the current styles

And now for this week's theme...

Bright College Years: Pleasures of Higher Education

1. Never having a Friday class
2. Refereeing womens' volleyball games
3. Being around genuinely intelligent people
4. Shitty beer/ booze
5. Being able to pull without having to go on a date/ spend money
6. Late night conversations/ debates
7. My buddy's 21st birthday party
8. My five dollar couch from freshman year
9. The Justice League
10. Graduating

College: Not like the movies, but still pretty absurd. Throw down, people. Throw down.

But right now I feel so good, sing fa la la la...

2008-06-25T16:37:00.003-04:00

Because there's been a bit of confusion as to how this project works, I've decided to outline some Crookeds and Straights basics:

What I Do

1. I plan on tossing out a new topic weekly. Sometimes, I will return to old topics that have gotten good responses e.g. Guilty Pleasures. Whenever I post a new topic, I will get the ball rolling with some of my own responses.

2. The week after I throw a topic out, I'll post The Peoples' Edition which are the best responses from the past week. In addition, I'll post the new week's topic (A little two'fer action).

3. If someone sends in a particularly good rant (see: Movie Annoyance re: 'I Am Legend'), I'll post it. Doesn't really matter if it has to do with the week's topic as long as it is good.

What You Do

1. Check out the week's topic (or really any earlier topic if you want) and post your pleasures or annoyances. If you reply on the website itself, you have the choice of being named or anonymous.

2. If you have a good rant, you can reply on the site itself or at crookedsandstraights@gmail.com

3. Subscribe if you want to stay abreast of what's going on with the project.

While I wish I could take credit for all of the gullery that takes place on this page, I can't. This is heavily driven by you guys and gals. In fact, the reason why I post my own pleasures and annoyances--outside of the fact that it amuses me--is because it's disingenuous to ask people to do something that I'm not doing myself.

With that said, also understand this: Much on this site represents the many facets of life, in fact, the point of it is to get a clue into how we're different and how we're the same. It's the kind of thing I hope starts conversations. And, without going so far as to put a disclaimer on the project, I will say: This is y'all.

As the guy sorting through the paperwork, I'll always strive to keep it friendly, even if it makes you cringe a bit. I won't allow out and out ugliness to be represented--that's what you can do when you're the boss--but there will be a bit of hot sauce every now and again.

Enjoy this. Spread this. It's definitely better than the clap.

I'm looking for a lover that won't blow my cover...

2008-06-23T14:23:00.002-04:00

You know what time it is. And since I know you've had that junkie itch since I last posted a list, I'm here to give you what you want.

Theme of the Week: I Am Annoying

I've heard a good deal about what annoys you about the world around you, now I'm curious about what chaps your ass about the world inside of you.

As usual, I'll go first...

1. My flat feet
2. Not being able to grow a full beard
3. That I can't stop biting my finger nails
4. That I care what people who don't actually matter think
5. That I'll do something out of a sense of obligation which may not be deserved
6. That I can't draw
7. That I can allow fear to make decisions for me
8. I have arthritis in my knee
9. That I've allowed myself to be bullied
10. That I lose momentum following a good idea
11. That I sweat easily

There you have it. Reply here or with the e-mail. Stay up.

This is a town without pity...

2008-06-22T13:12:00.007-04:00

Here again is the Peoples' Edition of The C&S Project. This is a sampling of the recent offerings. Enjoy.

Random Pleasures

1. Del's Lemonade
2. The last channel button on the remote
3. Bacon
4. Not needing Viagra
5. Walking barefoot in freshly mowed grass

Random Annoyances

1. Passive-aggressive notes from co-workers regarding "kitchen etiquette."
2. Being stuck behind someone that doesn't know how to use the self checkout at the grocery store
3. Getting a gas pump that doesn't have the tab that lets it pump itself
4. Walking into a room and forgetting why you went there in the first place
5. The person you have to hang out with because your friends are friends with them

Guilty Pleasures

1. "The Pina Colada Song" by Rupert Holmes
2. Telling someone who is a douche and/or isn't taking me seriously that I, very casually, graduated from Yale
3. Being loud enough for the neighbors to hear :)
4.Ignorant and degrading rap
5. Teabagging
6. "The King of Wishful Thinking" by Go West
7. Tall, strapping white men.
8. Looking at pictures of myself on facebook
9. Making the elephant tattoo on my foot 'dance' by wiggling my toes which really just makes it look like he is wiggling his butt.
10. Hating things for no real reason, like: my roommate's boyfriend, children in general, vegetarians, Boston, the Cubs and their fans.
11. My Gucci fanny pack. (I've only worn it like 5 times because it is a fanny pack, but I'm obsessed with it because its Gucci. And a designer fanny pack. brilliant idea.)

Movie Annoyances

1. Misandry: The treatment of men as dogs who should be grateful a women would ever bend her knee so as to scoop up their crabapples; epitomized in such jokes of filmmaking as 'Sex and the City' and 'Hitch'.
2. Zionist or Judeo-Christian allegory. See: '300,' 'I Am Legend' or every Foreign Language Oscar winner of the past 15 years.
3.AND ANOTHER THING about I am Legend! - If the zombies needed to eat humans, how could they survive in the city for years without eating Will Smith? And if they ate other things, WHY DID THEY NEED TO EAT WILL SMITH AT ALL? Akiva Goldsman: Please give your Oscar back.
4. Action scenes with no entry wounds: Seeing a gun go off or a sword swipe, then cutting away from impact and only seeing the victim fall, is lame.
5. Brett Ratner: Destroyed three franchises: X-Men, Hannibal Lecter, and his own Rush Hour.
6. Talking animated animals.
7. Emile Hirsch: His face.

8. Pacino's movie career over the last decade.
9. When scenes are in the preview but then not in the movie.
10. Shooting city movies in cities that don't even really look right, even a little. e.g. 'Rumble in the Bronx' was shot in Toronto and it's painfully obvious.

Per my desire to always innovate the project, I've decided that, every now and again, I'll be posting columns that have to do with some pleasure or annoyance. Moreover, I invite anyone who feels a few lines isn't enough to properly convey their feelings to e-mail me these thoughts. Much like the Peoples' List, I'll post the truly epic rants. Thanks for stopping by.

It's a good idea, break a promise to your mother...

2008-06-19T09:21:00.003-04:00

Alright, you should know what the business is at this point. As you may have noticed, I started a group for this little project. I have nothing to bribe you with other than thanks, so I'll just thank you a lot in advance for putting people onto the project--or proyecto as my Cuban duns call it.

Theme of the Week: MOVIE ANNOYANCES. These can be general or movie specific.

1. Costume anachronisms-- If it's 1989, why are people wearing football cleats that came out last year?

2. When Arnold gets shot directly in the shoulder/chest area by the Predator but only gets a flesh wound--Carl Weathers got his damn arm shot off!

3.When people think "splitting up" is a good idea.

Open up your heart and let the hate out.

I'm a monster, every day is Halloween...

2008-06-10T16:26:00.001-04:00

In an attempt to add a new wrinkle to the Crookeds and Straights project, I've decided to work by theme. Theme of the Week: GUILTY PLEASURES

Though I'm sure you don't live under rocks and thus know what a guilty pleasure is, I'll explain a bit anyway. It's essentially something you should generally be ashamed of liking, but gosh darn if it doesn't tickle your fancy.

Since no one's had a chance to respond (seeing as I just made it up) I'll throw down a few of my own. Don't judge me.

GUILTY PLEASURES

1. Lite radio
2. "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys
3. Romantic comedies
4. Picking my nose
5. BET (in highly-regulated doses)
6. "Believe" by Cher
7. OK magazine
8. Spandex
9. The E! Network
10. "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" by Jermaine Stewart

Throw down. If you're tough enough.

Do you get high? Does your daddy cry?

2008-05-29T11:01:00.008-04:00

The time has come for the Crookeds and The Straights: Peoples' Edition. Below are some responses to the pleasure/annoyance question I posed a little while back. To show I'm still actively participating as well, I'll first give mine then we'll get into the list proper.

JPW's List

1. Getting texted an inside joke by a friend

2. Being able to pay bills

3. Tecmo Super Bowl with Bo Jackson

1. Being dressed like crap to run a quick errand and seeing a crush

2. When mixing groups of friends goes awry

3. Getting starfished

Now from the voice of the people...

Pleasures

1. Finding old mix tapes you made when you were a teenager

2. Dumping without force

3. Lame parties that turn out to be good

4. Coming down subway stairs as your desired train pulls in

5. Using multiple text messages to write one sentence. (It's just so indulgent!)

6. When your teacher curves a test score

7. Finding an old article of clothing in the closet you'd forgotten you love to wear

8. The extra hour of sleep when switching out of daylight savings time

9. Finding a parking meter with time still left on it

10. Bringing an item to the cash register to buy, and finding out it's on sale

Annoyances

1. Long-haul flights when your little screen thingy doesn't work

2. Getting a part order from our customer service department when we clearly have none in stock

3. Pretty girls that act ignorant (my Hampton experience :)

4. When you walk into a wave of someone elses body odor or hot breath

5. Accidentally making eye contact with a National Guard Recruit

6. The first scuff on a new pair of shoes

7. When your check comes the day after you need it.

8. Going down to the subway stop only to see the train leave right in front of you

9. People who rustle the plastic wrappers of their sucky-candies during a show.

10. "It's not you; it's me"

And just because it amused me enough to get it's own category, I present C&S: Short n' Sweet Edition.

Pleasures

-Cheese

-Chocolate pudding

- Spooning

-"Rosanna" by Toto

-Peeps

-Google maps

-Wikipedia

-Guessing correctly

-New socks

-Hot sauce

-Coonery

-Morning sex

Annoyances

-Yale wireless

-Tasteless apples

-Bowflex commercials

-Computer typing

-Salon.com

-Lite "beer"

- Doc Rivers

-Wet socks

-Rollerbladers

-Anthony Anderson

-Kanye West

There's a little sample. You want to join the conversation, you neeeeed to join the conversation. Holler at the comments section or crookedsandstraights@gmail.com. And while you're at it, holler at my girl Jana at http://www.theindalianjob.com/ because, you know, brown people are funny. Peace.

Life or something like it...

2008-05-07T15:25:00.000-04:00

Scalawags and Rabblerousers-

Though I'm not new to the online game--http://the-boy-wonder9.livejournal.com/--I am plunging into a new adventure. The project is this: I need people to provide 1-3 random pleasures of life and 1-3 random annoyances.

Example:
1. The scan button on the radio
2. Finding money in your pocket
3. Getting to class and finding out a test has been moved back.

1. The DMV
2. Forgetting your phone charger
3.Overdrafting your account by five cents and getting hit up for $33.

This is something of an on-going project, so if you think this is interesting, pass it along to others (unless of course I know every single person you know). I look forward to seeing what you guys have to say. Enjoy.