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I remember running through a park with my dad chasing after me, mad as a hornet. I think of that now in my counseling training in anxiety and trauma. You’ve heard of fight, flight, or freeze responses.

In that instance, I was fleeing.

Another time, we were at my uncle’s wedding, and I didn’t do something my dad wanted me to do. He was beside himself. He came at me, eyes bulging, red in the face, screaming some obscenity or another. I was 18 or 19. My response was different. It was full fight.

I got right up in his face and matched his cuss words and threats to harm me with threats of my own to call the police.

Freeze seems to be in the middle. Evidently, I am an all-or-nothing girl. I can fight or flee, but just sit there and take it? Not me.

I didn’t know then that I would one day want to be a counselor. I am the master at compartmentalizing emotions, for a while at least. But what goes in must come out. Combustion. The perfect fight response.

I haven’t been physically chased since I was nine, so I’m not sure what my response would be today. I never think about fleeing.

But I heard a podcast today on flight. Since I’m more of a fight kind of girl, I wasn’t even going to listen.

However, I am a counselor, and maybe it could help someone else. I read the caption.

It was definitely me.

Oh my gosh, it said something like my nervous system must stay busy, productive, so I can escape the feelings and emotions that once felt unsafe. Are they saying I’m leaning into work as a flight response? I literally never thought that.

How can working hard and being productive be wrong? Really?

This feels poignant right now because I can feel myself getting sucked into the same pattern. The past year has been stressful. What do I do? I get busy. I lean into work, activity, busyness.

If I’m having an issue with anything or anyone, I don’t like to dwell on it. Work is my socially acceptable escape.

Now I’m wondering what I’m hiding from.

When I sit with it, I realize I’m afraid.

It is hard to sit with fear, to reflect on what you fear without having an emotional response. And that emotional response is what makes us feel the anxiety or wreak havoc on our nervous system.

Unfortunately, all of this usually leaves me up at 2 a.m., not sleeping and writing to God. I guess I’m going to process it after all. The darkness and lack of sleep weaken me to a point where I can’t flee and just have to face it.

At least enough to get back to sleep.

Thank you, Lord, that you don’t sleep. I always need you, but I seem to need you more in the middle of the night. You are so faithful, and you are always there.

Then morning comes. It is light. I have a cup of coffee. I watch the sun rise. I feel hope again. Or so I thought.

I am ready to tackle the day, get busy, and be productive. I thought it was the light of day taking my fear away. Little did I know it was me avoiding it under the banner of productive work.

Sometimes my fears are just worry. Nothing has even happened yet, or at least the thing I most fear hasn’t. It seems like going ahead and getting stuff done isn’t such a bad intervention. That is until I finally stop. And at some point, I have to stop. If not, then I get the gift of burnout again.

God, I want a different path, please.

Wasting my time on meditation or other somatic interventions doesn’t work for this counselor. I can’t sit still that long.

But I have my own trick. I imagine the worst-case scenario. If the worst-case scenario happens, how bad is it really? If I can survive it, my anxiety diminishes.

Then I feel guilty about worrying. Jesus tells us specifically not to. But Lord, you made me Jewish at birth. Some things we are born with… just kidding.

Lord, am I being mean to you? You sacrificed your life for us. You promise to take care of us, but, you know, my worry might help me more. What even?

Okay, I need to get back to basics. I need to focus on Jesus. I can be upset about this person and how they are being toward me, I can worry about this other person, but in the end, I can’t change anyone. So I need to lean into my relationship with you, Lord. It is the only way things actually get better.

I know I can trust Jesus, and I feel His presence. He gives me clarity to deal with the actual stresses that are occurring. Then if my fears do actualize, I will be so much calmer. I might even control my fight response for once and stop the pendulum swing.

This process works for me.

But I don’t want to keep repeating the same unhealthy patterns, even if decades apart.

Why does it have to have a label? I don’t want to be seen as a flight risk or a fighter, for that matter. I just want to be at peace.

I have grown up from the nine-year-old girl who ran. I am turning around and facing the monster, I mean Dad.

The post Turns Out I am a Flight Risk appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

What Does It Mean to Be Buried?

When I ask, “Where have you been buried?” I am not talking about something dramatic or obvious. I am talking about the quieter places in a person’s life where who they really are is no longer what others are seeing, responding to, or making room for.

Being buried is when your inner world and your outer life stop matching.

You may still be functioning. You may still be showing up, working hard, caring for others, leading, parenting, achieving, and doing what needs to be done. On the outside, it may even look like you have it all together. But inside, something feels unsettled. Something feels heavy. Something feels lost.

Sometimes people cannot explain it right away. They just know they do not feel like themselves anymore.

The Signs You May Be Buried

Being buried does not always look like falling apart. Often it looks like continuing on while quietly losing touch with yourself.

One of the ways I think about this is through the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. When a person is buried, those qualities often begin to feel harder to access.

Instead of peace, there is anxiety. Instead of joy, there is heaviness. Instead of patience, there is irritability. Instead of love, there is disconnection. Instead of gentleness, there is tension toward yourself and others.

These shifts matter. They are not always signs that something is wrong with you. Sometimes they are signs that something in you has been suppressed, neglected, or buried for too long.

We were not made to live disconnected from who we are.

And yet, it happens all the time.

How People Become Buried

Most people do not bury themselves on purpose. It usually happens slowly and relationally.

It can happen in marriage. It can happen in friendship. It can happen between a parent and child. It can happen in family systems, churches, workplaces, and communities.

One of the clearest ways this happens is through a lack of attunement.

The Role of Attunement

Attunement is emotional responsiveness. It is when one person is paying attention to the inner world of another. It is the ability to notice, care, and respond in a way that says, “I want to understand what is happening inside of you.”

Attunement is more than hearing words. It is emotional presence.

It sounds like:
“I can tell something is going on.”
“Help me understand.”
“That makes sense.”
“I’m here with you.”

When someone is attuned to, they feel safer. They feel known. They feel less alone in what they are carrying.

But when that is missing over time, something begins to happen.

What Happens When You Are Not Attuned To

When a person is repeatedly not understood, not emotionally responded to, or not handled with care, they begin to shift.

At first, they may try harder to explain themselves.

Then they may begin to feel frustrated or hurt.

Eventually, many people start adapting in order to survive the relationship or environment they are in.

They hold back.
They minimize.
They second-guess themselves.
They become quieter.
They stop bringing things up.
They begin to shrink pieces of who they are.

This is one of the ways a person becomes buried.

Not all at once. But little by little.

Buried by Defensiveness, Blame, and Emotional Misattunement

It is very hard to stay connected to yourself in relationships where there is chronic defensiveness, finger-pointing, criticism, or emotional dismissal.

When someone is consistently met with offense instead of understanding, or defensiveness instead of curiosity, they often stop feeling safe enough to be fully honest.

Over time, this creates an internal message:
Maybe I am too much.
Maybe my feelings are the problem.
Maybe it is better to stay quiet.
Maybe it is easier not to need anything.

This is where the burial deepens.

Because what gets buried is not only emotion. What gets buried is voice, clarity, confidence, and often even identity.

The Internal Cost of Being Buried

When a person lives this way long enough, the cost shows up internally.

They may feel anxious and not know why.
They may feel emotionally numb.
They may feel resentment and guilt at the same time.
They may crave affirmation but also feel ashamed for needing it.
They may appear strong while feeling exhausted inside.

Often what they are really feeling is the weight of living disconnected from their own inner life.

This is why people sometimes say:
“I don’t feel like myself.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“I’m tired all the time.”
“I feel unseen.”
“I feel like I’m disappearing.”

That language matters.

It often points to more than stress. It points to a self that has been pushed down too long.

Why People Stay Buried

If being buried hurts, why do so many people stay there?

Because emerging costs something too.

Emerging requires honesty. It requires awareness. It may require naming what has not been working. It may require grieving what has been lost in a relationship. It may require admitting how long you have ignored your own heart.

For many people, staying buried feels more familiar than facing what they know deep down.

Sometimes people stay buried because they are trying to keep the peace.
Sometimes they stay buried because they do not want to disappoint others.
Sometimes they stay buried because they have learned that being honest leads to rejection, conflict, or shame.
Sometimes they stay buried because they no longer know what it would even look like to be fully themselves.

So they survive the best way they know how.

And surviving deserves compassion.

But surviving is not the same as living.

The First Step Toward Emerging

The first step is awareness.

Not fixing. Not forcing. Not making a dramatic change overnight.

Awareness.

It begins with questions like:
Where have I stopped feeling like myself?
Where do I feel dismissed, minimized, or emotionally alone?
What parts of me have I silenced to keep things functioning?
What am I carrying that no one is really seeing?

Awareness is powerful because it helps shift the story.

Instead of assuming something is wrong with you, you begin to consider that something in your relationships, environment, or emotional world may have been burying you.

That kind of awareness is not weakness. It is wisdom.

What It Means to Emerge

Emerging is not about becoming someone brand new. It is about reconnecting with who you already are.

It is about giving yourself permission to notice what is true.
It is about letting your emotions matter.
It is about becoming honest about what has felt heavy, lonely, and misaligned.
It is about allowing your inner life to come back into view.

Emerging is often quiet before it is visible.

It may look like:

• naming your feelings more honestly
• recognizing what you need
• setting a boundary
• speaking up where you usually stay silent
• choosing not to minimize your own pain
• asking for support
• paying attention to where peace is missing

It is not always dramatic, but it is deeply meaningful.

Practical Ways to Begin Emerging

Name what you feel

One of the first ways people reconnect to themselves is by slowing down enough to identify their emotional reality.

Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What has been weighing on me?
When did I start feeling this way?

You do not need a perfect answer. You just need honesty.

Notice where you feel unseen

Pay attention to the spaces where you consistently feel dismissed, misunderstood, shut down, or like you have to edit yourself.

Those places are telling you something.

Stop immediately invalidating your experience

Many people have learned to downplay their own pain.

They say:
“It’s not that bad.”
“I’m probably overreacting.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”

A healthier starting point is:
“This matters because it is affecting me.”
“There is a reason this is hurting.”
“I want to understand what is happening inside of me.”

Look at the presence or absence of attunement

Ask yourself whether the people around you are emotionally responsive to you.

Do they seek to understand your world?
Do they make space for your feelings?
Do you feel safer after opening up, or more shut down?

These questions can reveal a lot.

Allow discomfort without assuming danger

Emerging can feel uncomfortable. It can feel unfamiliar, vulnerable, and even scary.

But discomfort does not always mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes it means you are finally being honest.

A Truth Worth Holding Onto

You are not buried because you are weak.

You may be buried because you adapted to an environment that did not fully make room for you. You may be buried because you learned to survive through silence, performance, caretaking, perfectionism, or emotional self-protection.

But the fact that you adapted does not mean you are meant to stay there.

There is a difference between coping and living.
There is a difference between functioning and flourishing.
There is a difference between being present and being fully known.

Final Reflection

So I want to leave you with this question:

Where have you been buried?

Not as a criticism.
Not as a source of shame.
But as an invitation to become honest.

And then ask yourself:

What part of me is ready to emerge?

Maybe it is your voice.
Maybe it is your grief.
Maybe it is your need.
Maybe it is your honesty.
Maybe it is your peace.

You do not have to rush the process. But you do need to notice what has been waiting underneath the surface.

If this resonates with you, and you realize you have been buried longer than you thought, reaching out for help can be a brave next step. A therapist or counselor can help you slow down, make sense of what has been buried, and begin the work of emerging with support, clarity, and care. You do not have to navigate that process alone.

Crossroads Professional Counseling is here for you through life’s journeys.  We have in-person or Louisiana telehealth available. Call 225-341-4147 to schedule a session.

The post Where Have You Been Buried and How Do You Emerge? appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

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This may seem like an unusual confession from a therapist, but most of my regular clients already know this about me: I have an anxiety disorder.

I have struggled with anxiety really as far back as elementary school. It started in the way a lot of kids experience: upset stomach. I remember having a sense of intense panic over a crush when I was in 5th grade. (I think his name was Kevin? Sorry, Kevin. It really was me…not you, buddy.) And at many points thereafter, I can look back and see the presence of anxiety in my life.

Sometimes it’s taken a backseat, and honestly for periods of time, it was essentially bound and gagged in the trunk. But at certain points, if I’m being honest, it has been in the driver’s seat.

These days, the pattern is typically that I’ll have a brief period of increased anxiety (a week or so?) a few times a year, and then most of the year it does not play too loud of a role. This balance has come after a lot of work, trial and error, personal interventions, and attending my own therapy.

I have written before how I was a “late bloomer” when it came to emotions, and yes, there is a direct correlation between these two facts about me.

To me, this “sometimes but not always” place is really reasonable, though it took me a long time to get here. For a while, I thought overcoming anxiety completely was both possible and required (good Christians don’t worry, right?). But for most of us, while it never fully goes away, it doesn’t have to be the main focus of life either. It’s part of me but it is not the central truth of who I am.

To put it another way, I have arrived at a place of co-existence with this unwanted passenger. We learned to live in peace together.

Even when I’m not in a phase of increased anxiety, my brain is happy to serve up thoughts that could lead to anxiety. Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to listen for those thoughts and take a corresponding action or “punch back” with another more honest and fair thought, to take the teeth out of its bite, so to say.

Here are a few of the ones that work for me.

If/Thens

One of the “greatest hits” lies that my brain apparently loves to serve up is “the worst is going to happen,” (aka catastrophizing or what ifs). This can be anything from total financial collapse (of my household or the whole world…both are fair options for anxiety to serve up), nuclear war, brain cancer, elbow cancer, or everyone I love is going to leave me.

These types of thoughts are actually pretty easy to spot and refute. And so as soon as I recognize my brain has served up a nice juicy catastrophe thought for me, I get to work either running through the likely actual outcomes or the “if/thens.”

Example: If there’s a nuclear war, they’re not coming for the City of Central. If it gets to Central, there will in fact be nothing to worry about, as we will all die and nobody will be left on earth. (Hey, I didn’t say it was a happy pleasant thought, it’s just a more fair and balanced thought.)

Two-Tier System

One lie that anxiety tells me is “it’s all or nothing.” If I can’t get things exactly like I want, then what’s the point? This one tends to lead to some paralysis; where great is the enemy of good enough. My intervention for this one is to approach the thing with two tiers of goals. The first tier is the ideal tier. Getting it “just right.” Being awesome at whatever it is. Really nailing it.

The second tier is the “good enough” tier. I don’t always have bandwidth to really knock a task out of the park. But I can normally just get it done. And often this is the doorway through which I can get unstuck. Not everything has to be perfect. Sometimes done is sufficient.

Example: When I was struggling with post-partum anxiety (which now people refer to by the acronym PPA but when I was experiencing it, my husband just referred to it as “that time you were broken.” Ha. Thanks.), I had the first tier goal of showing up awesome. Being very emotionally engaged. Making a lot of facial expressions. Maintaining a ton of eye contact. Having awesome feeding sessions. Quieting and comforting him effectively and quickly. (All while liking doing this.)

Believe it or not, I did not have the capacity to show up in that way every day, all day. But! If he was fed, held, changed, loved, and appropriately attended to, that was sufficient. That’s the second-tier goal.

Some days with a newborn, that was as much as I could muster. I was terrified that he was going to die. I had a hard time coming to grips with being needed that much and such an abrupt shift in my identity. I was sure I was going to mess him up somehow. Scar him for life by not doing something right.

But if I could hit my second-tier goal, I knew that other people could fill in what I left lacking on those days. I always knew my best days of parenting would come when he was verbal. And that has proven to be the case.

Was it my greatest season? Absolutely not. Is my son still awesome? Yes! And he’s confident and hilarious enough to tell you all about it. Trust me on this!

This two-tier system has saved me from a lot of shame and getting stuck in the face of anxiety and paralysis when I was unable to operate at my best. I have found an immense amount of grace and freedom in my two-tier system.

Even Though/I’m Still

This next intervention is one I have personally been using a lot lately. If you’ve been in my counseling office the past few weeks, this will probably be familiar to you. As stated above, I proudly wear the badge of being an emotional late bloomer. (Because being late truly is better than never.)

As someone who wants to make space for my emotional responses to things, while not giving them the keys to the car, I want to acknowledge my emotions, not minimize or dismiss them. In doing so, I can work with them and not against them.

I believe in the saying, “emotions are like toddlers. You don’t want them driving the car but you can’t throw them in the trunk either.” They belong in a 5 point harness in the back seat, probably rear facing, depending on age and height!

So what I find helpful instead of my old go-to of minimizing or dismissing or even flat-out denying my emotions is to ground into that reality but pair it with a bigger truth. This often involves the phrase, “even though, I’m still.”

Examples:

• Even though my mom is not happy with my choice, I’m still an ok person and I’m free to choose what I think is best.
• Even though I messed that conversation up, I’m still deserving of grace and forgiveness.
• Even though I didn’t do the right thing as they define it, I’m still a good person.

In acknowledging what wasn’t ideal, I can ground my nervous system in a larger reality that is bigger than any one instance.

These aren’t magic. They’re not going to dissolve the anxiety. But they are the difference between being swallowed by it and staying on your feet while it’s present. If any of these resonate, they’re yours. Try one. See what happens.

Total Percentage

There’s not one thing that is going to be the magic bullet to my anxiety. (This isn’t even my complete list of interventions! It’s just what’s working the best for me right now.) Having a grab bag of resources I can pull from to use when needed gets my total level of anxiety down to a really manageable place.

Everyone has to find that point where the balance is right for themselves. Until you can regularly be within your own window of what you can tolerate about your anxiety, you need to keep stacking interventions.

For me, it’s rarely at 0%. But it’s also rare that it’s over 60%. And on an average day, it’s probably around 15-20%. I don’t think I would be a healthy or safe person if I was at 0%. Some anxiety helps me execute at my job, stay on track with my goals, and make sure everybody’s buckled up.

It houses my grit in the face of adversity because I can continue forward even in the presence of obstacles. And I’ve even been told that a wee bit of neuroticism is actually kind of cute on me. It makes me quick witted and funny.

There are pros to anxiety as well, and for me, finding the sweet spot where it helps me stay on track but does not overwhelm me has been really helpful. Life is not meant to be worry-free. No one has that life.

And honestly? I’m not sure I’d want it. A little anxiety means something matters. It means you’re paying attention. It means you’re in the game.

If you’re in it too, welcome. It’s a bigger club than most people admit.

I still have an anxiety disorder. That part hasn’t changed. What’s changed is that I’m no longer surprised by it, no longer ashamed of it, and no longer trying to evict it from the car entirely. We have an arrangement. Most days, it stays in its assigned seat.

The tools I’ve described are mine. Yours might look completely different, and that’s exactly how it should be. The grab bag is personal. But the concept of building one? That’s for all of us.

If you’ve been managing anxiety quietly and you’re tired of doing it alone, that’s what I’m here for. Reach out here to schedule a session.

The post I’m a Therapist With an Anxiety Disorder – Here’s What Actually Helps appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

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When Everything Hits The Fan

So you’ve hit rock bottom.
The money you hid. The relationship you had. Your online habits. Whatever. You got found out. Secrets don’t stay hidden forever. The shame has set in and you’re starting to feel…a lot.

Good news: you’re still alive.

Your wife hasn’t left you… at least not yet.

You still have a job, you still have breath in your lungs, and you still have responsibilities waiting for you tomorrow morning. And if those things are still true, then you also still have something else: an opportunity to do something about the situation you got yourself in.

This article is for the husband who knows he’s made some mistakes. Whether that’s betrayal, lies, checking out, or just not showing up the way he should have (maybe all of the above?). That doesn’t mean your wife is perfect or hasn’t played a role in where things are, but right now, this is about you getting to work.

A Simple Framework for Getting Back on Track

Have you found yourself in that situation? You’re probably at a loss for how to get things back on track.

What now? 

More good news… There are some practical things you can start doing right away that will help steady the ship. How you show up in therapy, how you handle your time at home, and the kind of support you seek from your bros can all play a big role in pulling your marriage out of its current nosedive.

If you’re reading this, the truth is you’re already doing something important: you’re ready to show up and put in the work.

Take this advice from someone who is more than a little surrounded by therapists. Not only have I been married to one for over 15 years, I’m employed by one and I have been in both individually and marriage therapy for a decade!

PART 1: HOW YOU SHOW UP AT THERAPY

You’re going to need to start couples therapy. You might consider therapy with a mix of skepticism, dread, and maybe even a little embarrassment.

Most guys don’t exactly grow up dreaming about sitting on a couch talking about their feelings in front of a stranger. Feelings? Ehhhh… 

But take it from me, therapy will be some of the best time and money you could possibly spend on your marriage. 

Do the Pre-Work

The therapy work starts before you actually enter the office.

There are some very simple ways to show initiative that matter more than you might think.

Fill out the intake forms. Send the documents. Confirm the appointment time. Handle the scheduling if you can. Here’s the number to Crossroads if you need to make an appointment today, 225-341-4147. 

See! Not that hard. 

It may not seem like much, but taking care of those small details communicates something important: that you’re not just going to counseling because your wife forced you to go. It shows that you’re invested in the process.

You’re choosing to be there. You’re choosing to love your wife well and take proactive steps to work on yourself and your marriage.

Couples Counseling Isn’t Just About Fixing You

Sure, what set things on a downward spiral might have been your fault. But there are other contributing factors that have been in motion before the fall.

One thought you might have walking into couples counseling is assuming the entire situation rests on their shoulders. You might be telling yourself, “I’m the problem. I screwed up. I just need to fix myself and everything will be fine.”

That’s not really how marriage works.

It takes two people to start a marriage, and it usually takes two people to break one down over time. That doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible for your own mistakes or the baggage you brought into the marriage, but it does mean the marriage itself is something both of you are participating in.

Counseling isn’t a courtroom where it ends with a guilty or not guilty verdict. No one is tracking your wins and losses. So the pressure is off.

It’s more like bringing a car to the shop when something under the hood isn’t working. Both of you are there to figure out what’s actually happening and how to start repairing it.

This isn’t just YOUR counseling. It’s Couples Counseling. You have a voice in the process, and it’s important that you use it. The relationship is the client. Not you. Not your wife.

Show Up Ready to Trust the Process

Some men spend several sessions quietly evaluating whether they trust the therapist or not before they really start opening up.

If the therapist is any good, they’ll probably notice that right away.

Part of their job is earning your trust, but the process moves much faster when you walk in with at least a willingness to engage honestly.

Hit the ground running. You want to eventually get out of there, right?

You don’t have to hand over trust blindly, but you can show up ready to participate instead of sitting on the sidelines scoping things out.

Say the Hard Things

One of the biggest temptations in counseling is to soften the truth or avoid the parts of the conversation that feel uncomfortable.

Do we really have to go there?

Avoiding the hard stuff is what got you into this situation to start with.

If something painful needs to be said, it’s usually better to say it directly in the room where someone trained to navigate those conversations can help guide it.

Therapy works best when the real issues are actually on the table, including the things that feel awkward, embarrassing, or difficult to admit.

You may have heard the phrase, “you’re only as sick as your secrets.” Therapy allows you the opportunity for healing and freedom. Your current self won’t believe how great real honesty can feel.

A Moment I’ll Never Forget in Couples Counseling

We were about to start a seven-day marriage intensive after already surviving two full days of couples therapy. At that point I was emotionally exhausted and pretty sure my brain had run out of words. As we wrapped up the session, the therapist looked at me and said, “Now Chad, if there’s anything else, now is the time to say it. We’re not here to waste time.”

Thank God there was nothing left to say.

I had already said everything. I was emotionally tapped out and mentally somewhere between “processing” and needing a nap. But the warning stuck with me. Counseling only works when everything is on the table. Not most things. Not the comfortable things. Everything.

You Might Feel Ganged Up On

At some point during counseling you might have a moment where it feels like both the therapist and your wife are asking questions, looking at you, waiting for answers. Did the scene from “A Few Good Men” with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson come to mind? 

Yes. It might feel like that. 

The questioning can make you feel defensive quickly.

The therapist is asking questions because they’re trying to understand the full picture. It’s like putting on a headlamp when you take the trash out at night—you’re simply trying to see what’s there so you don’t trip over something in the dark.

If the therapist can’t see the whole situation clearly, they can’t really help.

So be aware, the questions are coming. Take a breath and answer honestly. The therapist can, in fact, “Handle the truth!” 

Write Things Down

One practical thing that will help more than you might expect is keeping a journal during the process.

You and your wife are going to have a lot of conversations, a lot of emotions, and probably a lot of moments where you leave a counseling session thinking, “That was really helpful,” or “what was that insight she said?”

Trying to hold all of that inside your head doesn’t work well. Writing things down slows your thinking and helps you process what you’re actually feeling instead of just reacting in the moment.

Pro-tip: bringing your journal or notebook to therapy sessions will help you be more engaged in the process.

Avoid the Parking Lot Recap!

Another thing that can cause tension is what happens after a counseling session ends. Avoid the parking lot recap!

Your wife may want to process the session immediately, while you might need a little time to think before talking about it again. That difference in processing for a man and a woman can easily turn into an argument.

For a lot of men, reflection happens internally before we have words for it. We think through things quietly before we’re ready to articulate them.

There’s nothing wrong with needing that space. Repeat… There’s nothing wrong with needing a little space!

If you’re not ready to respond right away, it’s completely reasonable to tell your wife, “I don’t have a response yet, but I’m thinking about it and I’ll come back to it later.”

Just make sure you actually follow through and come back to it later!

The act of communicating that you need some time to process, actually processing, and then bringing it back up to your wife is a huge trust builder.

Solitude can be healthy when it’s part of the counseling process. Avoidance, on the other hand, usually makes things worse.

Containment Works… Until It Doesn’t.

Most men (and some women) have the ability to contain their emotions and continue functioning even when things are difficult.

We compartmentalize problems, set them aside temporarily, and keep moving forward with work, responsibilities, and daily life.

In some situations, that ability is actually super helpful.

But if compartmentalization becomes just not dealing with it, and we end up keeping the lid on those emotions for too long without ever checking in, the pressure eventually starts to build. And when that pressure finally releases, it usually shows up as anger, defensiveness, or a fight that seems to come out of nowhere. And then… another session with the therapist.

Counseling gives you a supportive place to take the lid off slowly instead of waiting for everything to explode later.

Progress in Counseling Can Feel Slow

Sometimes the counseling process feels painfully slow. You might leave a session, and then another session, wondering if anything actually has changed. But small shifts in how you communicate, how you listen, and how you respond eventually turn into big changes in a marriage.

PART 2: HOW YOU SHOW UP AT HOME

Look for Ways to Serve Your Wife Outside the Counseling Office

Most of the real change in a marriage doesn’t happen during the counseling session itself. The session is where things get talked about and clarified, but the actual work usually happens in the days between meeting with your therapist.

It’s like weightlifting. Sure, you have to lift, but then you have to give your muscles a rest day so they can heal and come back stronger. Except if you’re one of those “no days off” guys, then you’re on your own!

If you’re anything like me, you just want to be told something practical to do! Like what do I do with my hands? Sometimes men simply need something concrete to do while the emotions catch up.

So start small.

• Unload the dishwasher without being asked.
• Take out the trash before it becomes an argument.
• Plan a dinner reservation or an activity together.
• Handle something around the house that usually falls on her to-do list.

Sometimes Action Comes Before Emotion

These are simple things, but during a difficult season when things feel unclear they can communicate something meaningful: “I’m trying. I care about this.”

Most times the heart catches up with the actions.

There are times when things get so tense in our house that I suddenly discover a deep passion for cleaning. I’ll start mopping floors, organizing drawers, scrubbing the tub, or folding the clothes. Sometimes it’s just easier to mop than it is to apologize. But those moments also give me time to process what I’m feeling, calm down, and step back from the emotional ledge before I open my mouth.

Leave the hot topics for the therapy room. 

Right now you’re the same version of you that got y’all into this mess. You haven’t built out your coping skills, communication skills, repair skills to be able to handle the big ticket items on your own yet. 

Keep a list of things you want to address in the therapy office. Doing this doesn’t mean you’re avoiding. You’re just being wise about not giving the relationship more than it can handle right now. 

Hold the burden of managing the list and bringing up the topics in session so your wife doesn’t have to. This is yet another way you can serve her. 

Find joy in being in the light. 

Keeping secrets feels horrible. You’re at the place where you don’t have to do that anymore. This is such a breath of fresh air both to you and to your wife. So enjoy it. Engage with openness. 

Offer updates on your day. Let your wife hear what’s going on inside of you. Offer up your phone without being asked. Make sure she has access to anything that would help her feel safe. Passwords, bank accounts, email, whatever. A little proactive approach goes a long way. She deserves to retire from wondering, worrying, and guessing how you are, what you’re doing, etc. 

It won’t be like this forever, but for now: let it be.

PART 3: THE ROLE OF FRIENDS IN CRISIS

Tell Your Friends What’s Going On

This might be one of the hardest parts of the process for a lot of men.

But you need support outside of your wife and outside of counseling sessions.

Let a few trusted friends know what’s going on. It doesn’t have to be dramatic or complicated.

Sometimes it’s as simple as telling a friend, “Hey man, my wife and I started counseling. Just check in on me every now and then.”

Men need other men in difficult seasons, not just to distract us (although there is a time and place for that), but to listen, ask questions, and remind us that we’re not the only ones figuring this out.

Sitting around a fire, training at the gym, in a group text, or going for a long walk just say, “Hey… let me tell you something.”

Don’t Try to Carry This Alone

I’m not sure where I would have been during my seasons of therapy without the support of a few close friends. 

Looking back, many of the conversations I had with them ended up uncovering things I later brought into my sessions with the therapist.

Sometimes it takes talking things out with people you trust before you even realize what’s really going on inside you. When you find a good friend, it’s like talking to a mirror that can reflect back what you’re saying about yourself to yourself. What a gift!

Find friends who are willing to help clear the path toward healing, not ones who throw up roadblocks or hide behind sarcasm to minimize the work you’re doing. Those guys suck. You need friends who remind you of your commitments and what’s actually true, especially in this tough season. 

All of this is hard work, and no one should try to carry that weight alone. You’re gonna need A Few Good Men.

Some Go-To Phrases from a Friend

As we wrap up, I thought I’d give you a few phrases to keep in your back pocket for those moments when your wife needs to hear something from you and you’re standing there thinking, “I should definitely say something smart right now.” You’re welcome.

• What would feel good for you right now?
• Do you need anything from me?
• If you need to talk/hear more about this later, just let me know.
• I am at capacity. I am out of words. Can we come back to this later?
• I don’t know what I’m feeling but I need a minute. 
• I don’t want to be right. I want to be restored.
• I’m not walking away from this.
• Would you like to go get your nails done alone?

Final Thoughts

If you’re reading this, chances are things feel uncertain right now.

This can be a scary place. I’ve been there. I get it.

You are in a hard season, but your marriage isn’t over. In many ways it’s actually the opposite. You have a chance to make your marriage better than it’s ever been. 

You have the opportunity to fight. So do it. Fight for your wife. Fight for your marriage. Fight for the most authentic and healthy version of yourself.

Step One: Book a session.

Step Two: Get a mop.

Step Three: Tell a friend.

Take a breath, walk into the room, tell the truth, and do the work.

This is growth.
This is loving your wife.
This is keeping your promises.

You can do this. 

I believe in you.

The post A Dude’s Guide to Marital Recovery appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

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You sit in the same house every evening.

One spouse is in the kitchen with the television on.
The other sits in the living room scrolling through their phone.

Children walk in and out of the room asking questions.
Dinner gets cleaned up.
Another day quietly ends.

You are together.

But you are not really connected.

The conversations that once came easily have slowly faded. There is no real eye contact, no lingering hug that says I missed you today. When one of you asks how the day went, the answer stays on the surface.

Nothing dramatic has happened.
There was no major fight.

And yet something feels different.

The distance between you has slowly become normal.

Many couples arrive at this place without even realizing when it happened.

When Marriage Slowly Drifts Apart

Emotional distance in marriage rarely arrives all at once.

It does not usually appear through one large moment that clearly marks the beginning of trouble.

More often, it slips in quietly.

Life becomes full. Work demands attention. Children need constant care. Schedules multiply. Responsibilities fill the hours.

Couples begin spending their energy building a life together working, parenting, managing a household, but somewhere along the way the relationship itself begins receiving less attention.

The days become about managing tasks rather than nurturing connection.

Spouses stop asking deeper questions. Conversations become brief and practical. The rhythms of life keep moving forward, but something important slowly fades into the background.

Many couples do not notice the shift at first.

But over time they begin to sense that something is missing.

When Spouses Start to Feel Like Roommates

I often hear couples say something similar when they come into therapy.

“We’re not really fighting.”

“We just feel like roommates.”

The relationship has become functional rather than intimate.

The conversations revolve around daily logistics.

What time does practice start?
Did you sign the permission slip?
Did you remember to pick up milk?

The house still runs. The responsibilities still get done.

But the emotional connection between spouses slowly thins.

They may sit in the same room at night, but they are not really sharing their inner worlds anymore. Phones become an easy distraction. The television fills the silence.

A marriage can look peaceful on the outside while still feeling quietly lonely on the inside.

Why Couples Stop Sharing Their Hearts

Many couples assume emotional distance happens because they stopped loving each other.

But in my experience sitting with couples, that is rarely the reason.

More often, two people still care deeply about each other. Life simply became full, and somewhere along the way the deeper conversations stopped happening.

Children require attention. Careers demand energy. Daily responsibilities fill every open space.

Sometimes small hurts happen along the way, moments when one spouse feels dismissed, misunderstood, or alone during a stressful season. Instead of talking through these moments, many couples quietly move forward.

Some avoid bringing things up because they fear conflict.

Others begin to believe their feelings do not really matter.

Over time, silence replaces vulnerability.

Emotional distance rarely begins with a big moment.

It begins with small conversations that never happen and feelings that slowly go unspoken.

Couples still care about each other deeply, but they stop sharing the parts of their lives that create emotional closeness.

What Twenty-Six Years of Marriage Has Taught Me

My husband and I have been married for twenty-six years.

We were both twenty-nine when we got married, and in our twenties, we had both given our lives to the Lord. We wanted our marriage to reflect what God desired for us, even though we did not fully know what that would look like yet.

Very early in our first year of marriage, we made a decision together that our marriage mattered and that it would require intentional investment.

We joined a marriage group at church. We listened to couples who had walked through difficult seasons and stayed committed to one another. We began learning how to communicate better and how to shift our thinking from a single mindset to a couple’s mindset.

None of this made our marriage perfect.

But it helped us begin building a foundation we could return to again and again over the years.

When Life Became “Rinse and Repeat”

Not long into our marriage, life became very full.

We had seven children under two years and a total of eight children within three years. At one point we had five children in diapers at the same time. If you gasped here, believe me, so did I many times.

Those years were beautiful, but they were also exhausting.

The days were filled with meals, snacks, clothes, baths, and nights waking up with children. It often felt like the same routine repeating itself again and again.

There were moments when life felt like it was moving so fast that I could barely keep up.

December would come, and before I knew it, another December had arrived. Time seemed to be flying by, and I started realizing something important was slipping past me.

Even though I was with my children every day, I began to feel like I was missing parts of their lives.

I remember praying and asking the Lord something simple but very real.

I asked Him to lengthen my day.

Not by adding more hours, but by helping me become present in the life unfolding around me.

Something inside me shifted.

Peace replaced the pressure I had been carrying. I began to notice things I had overlooked before, the flowers outside, the blue sky above us, the laughter of my children in ordinary moments.

Life no longer felt like something rushing past me.

It felt like something I could step into more fully.

Learning to Choose Each Other Again

Marriage goes through seasons.

There are times when connection feels easy and natural, and there are seasons when it requires more intentional care.

One of the things I had to learn personally was how to listen without becoming defensive. When my husband shared something he wished I would do differently, I often felt hurt or offended.

Over time I learned that listening does not always mean agreeing. Sometimes it simply means allowing your spouse to share their experience honestly.

Grace plays an important role in long marriages.

Grace means recognizing that faults do not have to define who we are. It means giving each other room to grow and repair when stress brings out behaviors we are not proud of.

Scripture reminds us that love is something deeper than momentary feelings.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:7

My husband and I also made an early decision that divorce would never be an option in our marriage. In twenty-six years together, we have never spoken the word.

That decision created a sense of security between us.

We continue choosing each other every day.

Sometimes I look at my husband when he does not realize I am watching him and quietly thank God for the man He gave me. When I see the life we have built together over the years, I feel grateful.

I can honestly say that I love my husband more today than I did when we first met.

The Small Ways Couples Reconnect

When couples begin feeling distant, they often assume something dramatic has to change in order to reconnect.

But most of the time, reconnection begins in very small ways.

A question asked with genuine curiosity.

“What has been heavy on your heart lately?”

A simple expression of honesty.

“I miss feeling close to you.”

A walk together after dinner.

A few quiet minutes on the porch before the day begins.

Sometimes the most important step is simply seeking help.

Many couples hesitate to reach out for support, but therapy can help couples slow down, understand each other more deeply, and begin reconnecting again.

Distance Does Not Have to Be the End

If your marriage feels distant right now, you are not alone.

Many couples reach seasons where connection feels harder than it once did. The pressures of life can slowly pull attention away from the relationship that once felt effortless.

But distance does not have to be permanent.

Whether you have been married for one year or forty-five years, there is always hope when two people are willing to turn toward each other again.

Scripture reminds us of the strength found when two people walk through life together.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”
— Ecclesiastes 4:9–10

Sometimes that turning begins quietly.

Two people sitting on the front porch with a cup of coffee, not rushing the moment.

The phones are inside.
The house is finally still.

And for the first time in a while, they are truly looking at each other again.

If your marriage feels distant right now, you are not alone. Many couples experience seasons where connection feels harder than it once did. The pressures of life can slowly pull attention away from the relationship that once felt effortless. But distance does not have to be the end of the story. When two people are willing to slow down, talk honestly, and seek support, reconnection is possible.

At Crossroads Professional Counseling, we are here for you through life’s journeys. If you and your spouse would like support in strengthening your relationship and finding your way back to deeper connection, we would be honored to walk alongside you. Reach out today at 225-341-4147.

The post When the Distance Between You Becomes Normal in Marriage: Why Couples Slowly Drift Apart appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

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We were both in two places at once. We were in the therapy room, having a completely normal conversation. And we were also in the midst of a car crash: one she experienced first hand and where my imagination was putting its own “footage” together based on her descriptions. She lived the event and now has a movie of it in her head that plays as we discuss it. Two places at once.

She is driving home from work on a normal afternoon when another car suddenly runs a red light. The crash itself isn’t life-threatening, but it’s terrifying. Her heart pounds, adrenaline floods her system, and the moment feels chaotic and overwhelming.

Months later, her physical injuries have healed. Life has mostly returned to normal.

But something strange keeps happening.

Every time she hears tires screech or approach that same intersection, her heart starts racing again. Her muscles tense. Her breathing changes. Logically, she knows she’s safe—but her body reacts as if the accident is happening all over again.

Experiences like this are one of the reasons therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) exist.

To understand why EMDR works, it helps to first understand how the brain normally processes difficult experiences.

How the Brain Naturally Processes Experiences

Now, I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I’m no neuroscientist. And if you’re reading this, I assume you aren’t either!

There are certainly fancier and more scientific words to explain this process, but I’ll explain it in the way that makes sense to me—and hopefully to you, too.

If you’ve ever seen the movie Inside Out, then you’ve seen the REM sleep cycle depicted in a creative yet surprisingly accurate way. During sleep, the brain gets to work sorting through the events and information of the day. Some things go to short-term memory, others move into long-term memory, and still others get tossed into the mental “trash dump” of things you won’t need anymore.

In many ways, that’s exactly what your brain is designed to do while you sleep.

God designed your brain to accomplish a few important tasks during sleep. Two of the biggest are detoxing the brain and sorting through memories.

When nothing major happens during a given day and you get adequate sleep, your brain is able to stay on top of everything. It sorts the memory queue, processes emotional experiences, and files things away appropriately before you wake up.

What Happens When the Brain Can’t Process an Event

Sometimes, however, the brain doesn’t complete these tasks.

If an event is too overwhelming, too unusual, too negative, or too intense, the brain may not be able to fully process it in the normal amount of time. It’s almost like the brain can’t fully metabolize the experience.

What further complicates things is that big events often disrupt sleep. When sleep is poor or interrupted, the brain loses one of its primary opportunities to process what happened.

Instead of finishing the sorting and categorizing process, the memory can get stuck midway through the system.

When this happens, the experience never fully makes it into long-term storage. Instead, it remains active in the nervous system.

This is when some people begin experiencing symptoms of acute stress or trauma, such as:

• Hypervigilance
• Intrusive thoughts
• Flashbacks
• Emotional triggers
• Heightened anxiety

These symptoms are signs that the memory has not been fully processed and integrated.

Think of Your Brain Like a Filing System

One way to understand trauma memories is to imagine your brain like a large filing system.

Every day, your brain collects new experiences—conversations, emotions, events, and information. During sleep, especially during REM sleep, your brain sorts through those experiences and files them where they belong.

Some things get stored in short-term memory.
Some things move into long-term memory.
And some things get tossed out because they simply aren’t important.

When the system is working well, memories are organized and easy for the brain to manage.

But sometimes a difficult or overwhelming experience disrupts the filing process.

Instead of being properly stored away, the memory gets stuck in the middle of the system—almost like a file left sitting on the desk instead of placed in the cabinet.

Because the memory hasn’t been fully processed, it still carries the images (though not always), emotions, body sensations, and beliefs from the original moment.

That’s why something small—like hearing screeching tires, encountering a similar situation, or hearing a certain tone of voice—can suddenly bring the entire experience rushing back.

The brain hasn’t finished filing the memory away yet.

How Trauma Memories Stay “Active”

As time goes on, your brain can continue processing new experiences normally. But it often has to navigate around the leftover pieces from the negative event that was never fully processed.

It’s almost like your mind is working around debris that was never fully cleared away.

Because of this, the past can still feel strangely present—even if the event happened years ago.

Another thing that often happens is when a new event occurs that your brain interprets as “close enough” to the original experience, the brain links those experiences together.

Suddenly, unwanted memories, body sensations, emotions, beliefs, and reactions show up all over again.

This is one of the reasons trauma responses can feel confusing. You may logically know you’re safe, but your nervous system reacts as if the original event is happening again.

How EMDR Therapy Helps the Brain Resume Processing

This is where trauma therapy—and specifically EMDR—can enter the chat.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

REM, the stage of sleep we talked about earlier, stands for Rapid Eye Movement.

Look at you… you’re probably already connecting the dots. 

EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation, often through guided eye movements, to mimic the brain activity that occurs during REM sleep.

This specific stimulation activates both hemispheres of the brain and helps the brain pick up processing the memory where it left off.

In other words, EMDR helps restart the brain’s natural process for filing away troubling memories.

What Happens During an EMDR Session

Any memory we have is made up of several components:

• Images
• Emotions
• Beliefs
• Bodily sensations

For example, you might feel tension in your jaw when you’re angry but can’t communicate what you want to say. That’s an emotion showing up in the body.

Or you might feel warmth and relaxation in your chest when you think of getting tucked in in at night by your dear old mom.

In EMDR therapy sessions, we call up a troubling memory using these different components. While you briefly focus on that memory, bilateral stimulation activates both hemispheres of the brain.

Then something remarkable happens.

Your brain begins doing what it was designed to do all along.

You aren’t alone. I’m here to guide the process, keep you grounded, and notice signs that the memory is moving through different stages of reprocessing.

Your job is to notice what comes up and allow the process to unfold. Your brain does the heavy lifting!

At various points we pause to reflect, process, and offer support to the parts of the memory network that surface. Often, the client and I are the first two adults to ever truly see what happened and provide appropriate compassion and response. This is a true honor and always feels like such a beautiful and holy moment.

What EMDR Therapy Feels Like

It’s important to be honest about this part.

This isn’t the most enjoyable process. We aren’t working on the “greatest hits” moments of your life.

Often we are processing some of the most painful experiences a person has ever gone through.

I feel so honored to come alongside you and help you navigate this process. EMDR can help transform those lingering negative experiences that you want to truly leave in the past.

People often move from beliefs like:

• “I feel like I AM this thing that happened to me.”
• “I will never get past this.”

Toward something much healthier:

• “This is something that happened to me. It does not define me.”

The memory becomes integrated into your life story rather than dominating it.

Frequently Asked Questions About EMDR Therapy

You Were Built for Health

You were built for health.

Your brain was designed with an incredible ability to heal, adapt, and make sense of life’s experiences.

But sometimes life delivers experiences that overwhelm those natural systems.

When something is too frightening, painful, or unexpected, the brain’s normal processing system can stall. The memory remains active, and the emotions and body sensations connected to the event continue to surface long after the moment has passed.

If that has happened to you, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It simply means your brain may need some additional support to finish a process that was interrupted.

EMDR therapy helps the brain return to the work it was designed to do—allowing painful memories to be processed, integrated, and properly stored.

The goal isn’t to erase the past.

It’s to help the past become the past.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting.

Sometimes healing simply means the memory has finally found its proper place.

If you’re exploring trauma therapy or EMDR in the Baton Rouge area, speaking with a trained therapist can be a helpful first step.

EMDR Therapy in Baton Rouge

We know how difficult it is to deal with the lingering impact of trauma, anxiety, and distressing memories. It is exhausting.  

If you need to process and want to try a type of therapy that may help, I would love to share more about it with you.  Call me or read more about EMDR here: https://crossroadcounselor.com/trauma-and-emdr-therapy/

If you’re struggling with lingering effects of trauma, anxiety, or distressing memories, EMDR therapy may be a helpful path toward healing.

At Crossroads Counseling, we offer EMDR therapy for individuals in Baton Rouge and the surrounding communities. Our goal is to provide a safe and supportive environment where clients can process difficult experiences and move toward lasting emotional health.

The post EMDR Therapy: How the Brain Processes Trauma and Finds Healing appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

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Have you ever been sitting with a friend and the conversation turned to an “in the moment” interaction? Not just recounting what happened last week, but actually being in the scene together, right now, emotions and all? I have, but too few and far between.

The other day I was talking to a friend and sharing about actually some good things. Planning the future, but with a few obstacles in between. The person had the active listening down.

“I am trying to plan out the next few years. I don’t feel like I am winding down my career and life, but I am certainly wanting them to be so purposeful,” I started explaining. “And there is still so much I want to do.” I know this feels pretty benign at this point. But then the friend reflected back, “You are wanting these years to be intentional. You always have wanted to make an impact. You have so much going on in the day to day still, both personally and at work. It is wonderful that you can still see the forest through the trees.”

I immediately started tearing up. I shifted to “in the moment” processing of where I am. It is true, I want so much to not waste a single day.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I am getting emotional. I am not saying everything needs to be deep or perfect. I just want to be present in my days. It is past time to always be in the one-day mode.”

It felt like a confession. Why am I telling them all of this? What did they say, or not say, that made me want to share so openly? These thoughts were twirling in my mind.

“Thanks for listening to me,” I said. “I love that you don’t ever feel the need to actually fix anything. You can just hear me out.”

“Actually, I feel bad. You always help me and have great advice. Sometimes I wish I could help you the same way. But this isn’t necessarily one of those times. I’ve known you a long time. You are making such an impact with your work and relationships. I actually love hearing what is going on in your heart for a change.”

I take a breath. I’m the counselor. And if I’m honest, taking the vulnerable stuff to God first is sometimes less about faith and more about staying safer with people than I’d like to admit.

“It’s funny,” I respond. “I don’t consider myself a private person, but I do realize I am normally sharing after the fact. After I have processed. This is nice for a change — to just be in the moment and process out loud.”

“Well, I appreciate you so much. I am glad to be here for you for a change. Plus, there is the added bonus … I need to hear that you have human emotions too. It makes me feel better about myself!”

I laugh. “Oh, okay, great. I’ll make sure to share all of the drama in my daily life so you can feel better about yours.”

We were both laughing now.

Tears or laughter, sharing them in the moment with a friend creates connection. It gives life meaning.

Usually, it is only God that I have this kind of connection with. That is healthy in many ways. But He created me to need others. I guess that is why truly opening up and being fully present in the moment with my emotions was so cathartic.

We continued to chat a bit. When we were parting ways, my friend hugged me and said, “I truly appreciate you.”

“Same,” I said, leaning into the hug.

“Thanks for today.”

It is strange that I can lean in so easily to loving others, but not so much to being loved. Yet, when I take the risk, the reward is great.

Driving home, I couldn’t shake the conversation.  Why do I always hold back?  I truly appreciated this time with my friend.  Regardless of a solution, it was real connection.  Nothing is better than that, right?

To me, this is a start.

The post When Did You Last Let Someone In? appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

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Another freezing cold snap here in Louisiana right after a high of 80 degrees the day before. I cannot stop thinking about my fruit trees again, the cherry, the satsuma, and those three fig trees. Another freezing suddenly temp drop, will they make it through this one, if they do they will be bear with no leaves.

That’s how February lands for some of us, peeling back the layers past the holiday weight and that last bit of king cake lingering on the kitchen counter tempting one more bite. Life has a way of doing the same thing to us. You spend years pouring yourself into your roles, convinced you’re getting it right, showing up day after day with everything you’ve got. Then one day, whether it’s the slow turn of time or something that hits out of nowhere, you’re standing in front of the mirror, caught in a pause, asking yourself, “Who’s looking back at me now? And who am I without this role I’ve held so close?”

What happened to you? What “cold snap” rolled in all of a sudden? Are you the spouse who gave years of sacrificial love, opening up vulnerabilities, standing faithful through the hard seasons, choosing patience and grace even when it cost them? You did it right, or at least you tried the best you could, but here you are at the crossroads of betrayal. Suddenly, the spouse role shifts or slips away, leaving you staring into the mirror, wondering what happened to the person they thought they were building a life with.

Or it’s the mom or dad who showed up for every game, every late-night talk, every milestone, nurturing and loving their children through every stage, letting that role weave itself into the fabric of who they are. Eighteen years, twenty years, maybe more, defined by being the steady one, the safe place. Now the empty nest arrives. The house grows quiet. You know you’re still Mom, still Dad, but the role looks so different now. How do you change something that defined you for so long? Or maybe it’s the steady work you built, brick by brick, only for job loss to open up an unexpected space where purpose used to live.

That pause at the mirror feels raw and real. Your stomach knots up a little, worry lingers nearby, sadness settles in close like an old acquaintance. Thoughts start spinning: “How did I get here? What now?” Old wounds from the past stir up, whether they’re tied to this moment or not, and those critical voices get loud, whispering things like “not enough” or “what was it all for?” It makes it so hard to see all the good you poured in, all the right things you did along the way. Your body carries the weight too, breath coming a little shorter, rest feeling uneven.

But here’s what I want you to hold onto: you’re not alone in this, and this isn’t the end of your story. There’s real hope waiting in this pause. It’s a doorway to rediscovering the fuller you that God knit together long before any role came along.

Letting That Pause Open Space for Something True

At first, no peace rushes in. The quiet can feel like it’s screaming inside you. But this moment, whether life eased the role away through its natural flow or took it suddenly without your permission, creates space to look at yourself square on. No titles or hats to hide behind anymore. Try breathing into it: inhale for four slow counts, hold for seven steady ones, exhale for eight long ones.

Let those questions settle in with you: “Who am I in this season of my life? Who am I without this role I’ve carried so long? Who’s really looking back from this mirror?” You could set aside just five minutes a day, grab a notebook or journal, and offer a simple prayer: “God, show me what’s true here.” Psalm 139 speaks right into that space: He knit you together in your mother’s womb, wonderfully made, valued completely before empty nest or betrayal or any shift ever entered the picture.

The quiet feels heavy at first, thoughts crowding in like they always do when we’re unsettled. That’s normal. Come back to it gently. Imagine walking through my garden, where the trees stand bare and still, branches holding on through the winter, waiting for what’s next. What starts to peek through for you in that space? Maybe a pull toward prayer that hasn’t gone away. Kindness that still rises up unbidden. Curiosity stirring to life again, even after all those years of nurturing your kids or giving so deeply in marriage.

These are glimmers of your true self, the core that’s always been there. Hold your heart close, like Proverbs 4:23 reminds us: life flows from it. Name the thoughts as they come, with kindness: “Worry’s talking right now.” That simple act builds space, quiets the noise a little, lets your body start to ease. Speak softly to yourself inside: “This feeling is real, and it’s human. I still care so deeply.”

Hope lives right here in this pause. Even when roles get removed, whether by time’s gentle progression or something abrupt, these moments invite you to ask, “What are my strengths? What gifts and talents have I always carried?” Your life isn’t over. Yes, there’s that sudden screech that stops you in your tracks, but wait, there’s more to your life unfolding.

This pause is a gift that opens slowly, letting your roots go deeper. Christ’s love fills every corner of it, Ephesians 3:17-19. Keep listening close.

Your True Self Emerges Beyond the Roles

As the spinning thoughts start to settle, you begin to notice your true self emerging, steady and unshaken beneath it all. It’s the part of you that faith has always anchored: prayer that flows naturally even when uncertainty swirls around. Kindness that shows up quietly, in the way you offer a listening ear or a small act of care, and let others do the same for you. There’s creativity waiting there too, simple and inviting, like picking up a pencil to sketch something from memory, dreaming up a garden layout on a napkin, or mixing ingredients for a familiar recipe that comforts.

You might even find yourself wandering a new trail nearby, just to see what catches your eye. These qualities, curiosity that opens doors gently, an ear tuned to hear the unspoken, a resilient spirit that bends but doesn’t break, they were never tied to any one role. They carry you through empty nest quiet, the ache of betrayal’s sacrifice, the natural shifts of aging, or the open space after a job ends.

Stories from Scripture reflect this same truth back to you. Job faced total loss, family, health, work stripped away, yet his faithfulness at the core never wavered. Hagar found herself alone and desperate in the wilderness, but God saw her fully, and she named Him “El Roi,” the God Who Sees Me. Jesus stood firm in His identity as the beloved Son, even when everything around Him turned bare and forsaken. Take a moment to name five qualities true to your essence, separate from any role: perhaps a prayerful quiet that centers you, a laugh warm enough to light up a room, loyalty that runs deeper than words, wisdom shared gently with others, or bravery that shows up steady and quiet.

Which one resonates most today? Test it in a small way, share it with someone safe or live it out for just a day. You’ll feel those strengths begin to lift you. You carry something unique, a capacity to love with arms wide open, to create beauty from simple things, to hold space for hurt with tender care.

Hope takes root right here, God-given and fresh every single morning, as 2 Corinthians 5:17 assures us, the old passes, behold the new has come. Purpose unfolds in gentle ways: serving through quiet presence, loving with kindness, allowing yourself to grow tender and open. Lean into this discovery. You are seen completely. Valued for who you are at the deepest level. This is your true self, emerging clear and strong.

Gentle Steps Into the Life Still Waiting

Start your mornings with a whisper from Psalm 139: “Who am I here? Show it to me gentle.” Jot down one trait that shows up: “Curiosity stirred today.” Watch how the stack grows over time. Walk outside each week: let the trees teach you to wait for the sun. Voice that quiet call inside: reach out to a friend nearby, stir up a hobby that’s been waiting. Joshua 1:9 comes alongside: “Be strong, I’m with you.”

Check in at the end of each week: “Did a little more space open up?” Breathe through tight moments with four, seven, eight. “Be still,” from Psalm 46:10. Share in a small circle of people who get it. In the garden way of living: trim what’s old, water the roots. Keep the steps small: name a strength each day, track it on a page. Good things start to grow from there.

These small habits renew us, as Romans 12:2 shows, helping the mind see God’s good will. Christ’s love roots deep and grasps wide, Ephesians 3:17-19. Trees turn green come summer. Your season will too. And as those first steps carry you forward and the mirror starts to clear, you might find some days the pause lingers longer than you’d like.

If You’re Still Pausing at the Mirror

Some days, that mirror moment holds you longer, stuck between the questions and the next step, not sure how to bridge the gap. I get it completely; I’ve walked this stretch with so many who poured their hearts into roles that suddenly shifted.

If the spinning thoughts linger or the quiet feels too heavy, reaching out for support can light the way forward. Therapy offers a gentle space to unpack this season, rediscover your strengths, and step into the fuller life waiting. You’re worth that investment.

The post Who Am I When Life Pauses You at the Mirror? Who Am I Without This Role? appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

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If you’re like me, you often think, learn, or process in terms of analogies. One analogy that I’ve found myself discussing in session quite a lot lately is that of a soundboard.

Have you ever seen a soundboard at a concert or even at church? It’s the big electronic board that has a bunch of lights and sliders on it that controls and mixes the audio so everything sounds good for the audience.

The sliders (that an astute client informed me are actually called “faders”) are each controlled independently. They each control a separate value as it pertains to the audio output.

I see human maturity similarly to a soundboard.

You Have More Than One Fader

We each have multiple faders that can slide up or down depending on a few factors. Overwhelmed? Perhaps your irritability fader is all the way up. In a heated argument with your spouse? Your emotional regulation fader can get pulled down.

As humans, we have lots of “faders” internally.

• Work performance
• Emotional awareness
• Social awareness
• Overall maturity
• Internal age
  …just to name a few!

How Does This Show Up in Your Life? 

Just because some of your faders have a high reading doesn’t mean all of your faders have a high reading. It’s possible to be awesome at your job and completely abysmal at emotional regulation when it comes to your kids. You can be walking in sobriety from addiction and still not great at relational closeness. You can be remarkably poised when it comes to putting out a literal house fire and then have a low reading when it comes to insights about your own emotional experience.

Humans are complicated creatures and can hold many things that seem to be opposing on the surface. 

Here are a few implications for how uneven faders show up in our lives.

Growth Is Not Uniform

As you embark on a journey of healing and self-actulization, you will notice different faders really getting pushed higher and higher. This is growth! Unfortunately it does not mean that all of you, every fader, is experiencing growth.

Example: You can grow in honesty but still really struggle with not getting defensive in conflict.

Do not take this as a bad sign-that you aren’t really improving in some areas. You totally are! It’s just a sign to keep going. To work towards improvement in lower areas.

The optimal outcome isn’t that all areas of you need to be at the same level. That type of uniformity isn’t really compatible with the human experience! Said another way- we are just messier creatures than that!

Instead, the goal is this balancing act and dialing in of yourself as different areas drop below their optimal level and need attention.

It’s about continued mindfulness of how you’re showing up and the knowledge of which faders tend to drop out in various scenarios typical for your life.

It’s a Feature, Not a Bug

We aren’t “all or nothing” creatures. And this is actually a feature and not a bug.
It means you can be deeply competent and deeply insecure at the same time. You can be spiritually grounded and emotionally reactive in conflict. You can be growing — and still have work to do.

That doesn’t make you a fraud.
It makes you human.

It means one loud moment doesn’t define your entire character. When something spikes — irritability, defensiveness, shame — it isn’t your identity.

It’s a setting.
And settings can be adjusted.

Who’s Holding the Controls?

Let’s take the soundboard analogy a little further:

• Who is running your board?
  • Are you?
  • Your fear?
  • Your trauma?
  • Your spouse’s mood?
  • Your boss?
  • Your childhood experiences?

Whose Responsibility is the Board?

Well. Ultimately, it’s yours. Sometimes we like to think that others have the power over our faders. But the truth is that no one has authority to adjust our faders unless we grant them that power.

• Once you identify “who — or what — is adjusting my levels,” the question becomes, “how do I get agency back to manage my own board?”
• How did you learn to read your board and set your levels?
  • There are two skills involved here: Self-assessment and self-leadership.
  • You may never have learned to adjust your faders! That’s one of those things that isn’t good but it wasn’t your fault. The good news is: this is absolutely within your power to learn and change.

People who are good at self-assessment and self-leadership mostly had good models of these skills in childhood, or they have done a good bit of work on themselves. At the risk of sounding stereotypically therapeutic, if you feel like adjusting your levels is a foreign concept, you likely came by this lack of skill honestly, and it’s probably a family of origin issue.

If you’re reading this, you already have what it takes to learn to set and adjust your level. (This is one way therapy can be incredibly helpful.)

Reminder: You Are Not the Loudest Fader

Most of us think we are the loud fader.
We say, “I’m just an angry person.”
But what if anger is just one slider that’s been pushed too high in certain environments?
What if it isn’t your identity — just your current setting?

When Faders Get Stuck

What if some faders got jammed at age 12?

• This is another way to think of the term “arrested development” as the result of a trauma. 
• Some people have parts of them that essentially stall out at the age in which a trauma occurred, or at the age of a first exposure to an addictive substance.

Some faders were set long before you ever had a say.

• If you grew up in chaos, your vigilance fader might always hover high.
• If love felt unpredictable, your relational closeness fader may have learned to stay low.

The other thing to consider is that development happens in layers.

• Some parts of you have had decades of practice. Others are still catching up.
• You may have a well-developed “competence” fader because you learned early that achievement brought safety. 
• But your vulnerability fader may still feel risky — because at some point, it was.

To be completely honest with you, we can’t erase what happened. We are never going to turn you into a person who never got hurt. But we can learn to care for, support, and integrate the faders that were damaged (and thus becoming stuck). We can process negative experiences so that they don’t remain at a glaringly different level than other faders on your board.

Remember: when some of your faders get stuck at a certain level, not all of the faders are at that reduced level.

That’s a pro and a con!

• It’s a pro because other areas can be relatively high and you can function wonderfully.
• The con is that the areas that are affected can cause a lot of negative impact, because they tend to be the ones that have a lot of relational implications. 

When we learn to manage our soundboard, flexibility emerges. And where there is flexibility, there is health and growth.

Conclusion: Maturity Is Intentional Adjustment

At this point, I hope you’re having some “ah-ha” moments with this analogy.

“Oh. I’ve been misjudging myself.”
“Oh. That explains my shame.”
“Oh. That’s why I keep sabotaging myself in conflict.”

The goal isn’t to max out every slider.
The goal is to know your board well enough to notice when something is distorting the sound.
To recognize when your defensiveness is louder than your values.
To catch when exhaustion has quietly pulled down your patience.

Learn your patterns. Take responsibility. And the output of your soundboard will improve as you take active steps to adjust your levels. 

Maturity isn’t perfection.
It’s learning how to reach for the controls with intention.

The post Your Life as a Soundboard: A Simple Way to Understand Emotional Regulation and Personal Growth appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.

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We have all been hurt by people we care about. That sort of goes with the territory. If we didn’t care about the person, we probably wouldn’t feel the hurt.

So, when we get hurt, we do what makes sense. We pull back. We create distance. We start protecting ourselves.

The conscious or unconscious antidote for self-protection often begins with building up walls. And honestly, it feels reasonable. Leaving yourself open and exposed to constant hurt doesn’t feel good.

We all want safety.

But it is a hard balance to strike. At some point, we go on autopilot and start building walls proactively, before we even get hurt again. Distancing and self-protection may feel like they are creating safety, but they are also creating other byproducts that you probably don’t really want:

• Loneliness 
• No one you can trust 
• Having to handle everything on your own 
• Leaving before you get left 

In your efforts to protect yourself, you may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of being alone, which is hurtful in itself.

You aren’t really eliminating pain; you are magnifying it.

Before you know it, it has just become a habit. You have built up enough walls to keep any and all love out as well.

The psychology and counseling world has served up boundaries as a healthy strategy, and I would agree that some situations and relationships need boundaries.

• My Dad was physically violent towards me. I didn’t need to subject myself to that just to get the drops of love in between. 
• Your friend always dumps all of their problems on you and never has time to hear about yours. Yes, it is okay not to stay on standby for their 24/7 needs. 
• Your drug addicted child is always asking for money. It is wise not to give them money that enables them to keep doing drugs. 

Walls vs. Boundaries

I don’t know if we have done a good job of delineating the difference between walls and boundaries, and I worry that many good people feel like they are building walls in the name of boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are like a door with a lock. 
You decide when to open it, who comes in, and what’s allowed.

Walls are like a sealed bunker. 
Nobody gets in, but you also don’t get out.

Healthy boundaries come from clarity. 
“I know what’s healthy for me.”

Walls come from fear or pain. 
“I don’t want to be hurt again.”

I think boundaries are sometimes necessary and healthy. I am just hoping that if you are building walls in the name of boundaries, you can recognize it.

Why?

The Relational Why 

Because boundaries are meant to protect connection, not replace it. 
If they become walls, you may feel safe, but you may also end up alone.

The Self-Awareness Why 

Because it’s easy to call something a boundary when it’s really fear or unresolved hurt. 
Naming it clearly helps you heal instead of hide.

The Cost Why 

Because walls don’t just keep pain out, they keep love out too. 
And over time, isolation becomes its own kind of harm.

The Growth Why 

Because healthy boundaries help you mature. 
Walls keep you stuck in survival mode.

The Spiritual Why 

Because we’re made for relationship, and wisdom is learning how to love with discernment, not withdrawal.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.” 
– Ecclesiastes 4:9–10

What Season Are You In?

There are different seasons in our lives that setting appropriate boundaries creates safety, space, and personal health. I would just check your premises by asking yourself some of these questions:

1. Questions About Motivation 

Motive tells the truth fast. 

• Am I doing this to stay healthy or to avoid being hurt? 
• Am I responding to the present situation or to a past wound? 
• If this person changed, would I be open to re-engaging? 

If fear is driving it, you’re likely building a wall.

2. Questions About Connection 

Boundaries still leave room for relationship. 

• Do these limits still allow closeness over time? 
• Am I leaving the door open or sealing it shut? 
• Am I protecting myself or isolating myself? 

A boundary regulates connection. 
A wall eliminates it.

3. Questions About Flexibility 

Healthy things can adapt. 

• Is this boundary situational or absolute? 
• Would I apply this rule to everyone, everywhere? 
• Can trust change this limit, or is it permanent? 

Rigid, global rules usually signal walls.

4. Questions About Responsibility 

This keeps you honest. 

• Am I owning my feelings or managing theirs? 
• Am I expecting others to read my mind? 
• Am I using silence or distance instead of clarity? 

Boundaries are communicated. 
Walls are enforced without explanation.

5. Questions About Emotional Aftermath 

Pay attention to what lingers. 

• After setting this, do I feel peaceful or numb? 
• Do I feel grounded or guarded? 

Peace points to boundaries. 
Numbness points to walls.

6. The One Question That Cuts Through Everything 

If I keep living this way, will I become more loving or more shut down? 

That answer is usually the most telling.

We Are Made for Relationship

In the end, remember we are made for relationship. And if we can’t trust ourselves or the other person, we have to remember that we can trust God. We are all different, and there isn’t a right or wrong. You have to do what is right for you.

If I have to lean one way or the other, I tend to lean into relationship. That doesn’t mean rushing back into unsafe situations. It means staying open to love in the right places, at the right pace. And sometimes, a long season of distance can also be faithful and wise, depending on your circumstance.

Can you get hurt? Yes, and we all have. But I have personally experienced God to be faithful. If we trust Him and lean on Him in our need or our hurt, He will always be there for us and He will certainly heal our hearts.

Healthy boundaries protect who you are. 
Walls keep you from being known. He wants us to be able to fully be who He created us to be and He wants us to love and be loved.  And thankfully, He is here to help us through.

The post The Walls We Build in the Name of Boundaries appeared first on Crossroads Professional Counseling.