The Dad Man

Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work® Day April 25

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 17:54:00 +0000

For the 20th year in a row, workplaces across the country celebrate Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work® Day this Thursday, April 25. I’m proud to serve on the TODATW national advisory board, and love this year’s theme: Work In Progress, which emphasizes the ever-changing nature of the participants as well as the time in which we live.

Administered by the national Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Foundation and held annually on the 4th Thursday in April, the national program encourages workers to take to their workplaces their children, grandchildren, nieces, neighbors' children, and "adopted" children for the Day. From such a simple concept has grown the largest U.S. public education campaign with more than 37 million participants at over 3.5 million workplaces.

Through various activities, Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Day helps girls and boys discover the power and possibilities associated with education and work by connecting what youth learn at school with the actual working world and encouraging girls and boys across the country to dream without limitations and think imaginatively about their lives, work, and their future. They learn to dream big without the limitations of their everyday situations. "I'm working in the profession I'm in because of my attending several Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Days when I was young and kept dreaming-imagining about working and doing what I love," said a participant from several years ago. Another former participant grew up to work at the company where she participated.

Make sure you participate on Thursday!

Family Day Today

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 20:13:00 +0000

Today is "Family Day"--a day we should be eating a meal together with our children.

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University sponsors the day because research consistently shows that having family meals together at home (without electronic distractions) is a powerful step in preventing drug abuse and other serious adolescent problems. CASA asks parents to make the following committment:

S- Spend time with my kids by having dinner together
T- Talk to them about their friends, interests and the dangers of drugs and alcohol
A- Answer their questions and listen to what they say
R- Recognize that I have the power to help keep my kids substance free!

Do your part today--and every day--to be a positive force in your child's life!

Coaching for Men with a Loved One Fighting Eating Disorders

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:53:00 +0000

Does your loved one battle an eating disorder? Our next coaching group for men begins August 29 in San Rafael, CA, and runs 4 Wednesday evenings from 7:00-8:30.

Past participants report substantial increase in their understanding of eating disorders and their confidence in dealing with them. They also report that the coaching help reduce their anxiety, fear, and frustration.

I loved this workshop. I was apprehensive beforehand, but it quickly became one of my favorite things of the week. I was so good to be among men who are open and honest and have similar struggles. I feel much less alone. I appreciate the knowledge, wisdom and caring of the facilitators. I learned facts and skills. I was reassured in some ways and guided in other ways to help our family member in recovery and myself. I highly recommend this workshop.

Join men’s expert and author Joe Kelly and eating disorders specialist Bridget Whitlow, LMFT for 4 weekly coaching sessions. Register now.

Another day-long coaching workshop runs from 9 am to 3 pm on Saturday September 29 in Petaluma, CA.

Father Silence on Fathers Day

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 14:30:00 +0000

On this Fathers Day, remember that men today long to have good relationships with their children. But there have been generations of silence about what it means to be a father. We didn’t hear our own dads talk about it.

At my fathering workshops the most moving moment is when I ask, ‘How many of you feel like you’ve been changed as a man by having this daughter? Stand up if you can tell me one or two or three things that are different for you.’ Everyone in the room stands.

Then I ask, ‘Stand up if your father ever spoke to you about how he was changed as a man by you being his child.’ Sometimes no one stands, and rarely more than 3 men stand. That’s a very emotional moment.

So many of us dads never heard anything on the subject from our own fathers. That’s really sad. However, it’s also an opportunity to break that cycle of silence, and talk to other fathers (including our own) about it.

In the years before and since I wrote Dads & Daughters®: How to Inspire, Understand and Support Your Daughter, I've talked and/or corresponded in-depth with thousands of fathers.

Women are always startled to learn that about half of these men (most of whom I never met before) report that I am the first person they’d ever talked to in depth about fatherhood. Men aren’t surprised, because we’re so accustomed to father silence.

The good news? With only a handful of exceptions, the fathers I communicate with are articulate and passionate; we have a lot to say about the experience and importance of being a dad.

And while much of that may have gone unspoken until the moment of our conversations, those men and I quickly learned there’s real power in asking: "How are you changed as a person because you are a Dad?".

Summer Fatherhood & Healthy Families Institutes

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 22:00:00 +0000

Looking for ways to improve & connect services for families?

This summer, the Fathers & Families Coalition holds Fatherhood & Healthy Families Institutes this week (6/12) in Chicago, later this month in Denver, and July at Columbia University in New York City.

Learn more and/or register at http://fathersandfamiliescoalition.org/national-conferences.

FFC also offers live streaming from some conference sessions—a valuable resource.

Reviewing The Body Myth

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 31 May 2012 20:00:00 +0000

Read the review of "The Body Myth: Adult Women and the Pressure to Be Perfect" a book I co-wrote with my good friend, the influential eating disorders therapist Dr. Margo Maine: http://kelliworley.com/2012/05/31/book-review-body-myth-margo-maine-joe-kelly/

Margo is also author of the influential book Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, and the Pursuit of Thinness.

17th Annual At-Home Dads Convention

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Wed, 30 May 2012 15:15:00 +0000

The 17th Annual At-Home Dads Convention will be held on Saturday, October 6, 2012, with affiliated events and activities starting Thursday, Oct. 4 and going through Sunday, Oct. 5.

Sponsored by the National At-Home Dad Network (http://www.Daddyshome.org/), the conference is for stay at home Dads of kids of all ages. Of course, part-time stay at home Dads and any Dad interested in being a better Dad are all welcome.

The conference will offer:

Parenting workshops (covering topics like discipline strategies, building self-esteem in your child, toilet training techniques, and Internet safety)
Education Sessions (how to teach kids the value of money, strategies to improve your marriage, overcoming depression and isolation)
Social events (Thursday happy hour, Friday tour of Washington, DC, and then a Meet and Greet at a great Capitol Hill bar, tips on growing your at-home-Dad group, and shared stories and anecdotes)
Service Project (a fun and fellowship oriented service project to help local families from a particularly Dad-centric angle)

So...why should Fathers go? Good question. Here are some things that other Dads have said:

Each year I have arrived home from the convention reenergized with a greater sense of confidence, pride and purpose in fulfilling my commitment as an at-home Dad for my family.”

- Hogan Hilling, at-home Dad since 1991

“I have lawns during the summer for extra money so I could afford to travel and attend the convention. It has made a profound impact on my life every year that I've attended since 2002 and has been worth all the sweat and grass stains.”

- Phil, Lincoln, NE (8-time convention attendee)

A word on cost. For some Dads, the convention may look cost prohibitive. We have a few possible solutions that could help cut down the hotel bill. We would be happy to help you find another Dad that is interested in splitting the cost of a hotel room. Just click here (http://www.athomeDad.org/node/18300).

And, even better, a few local Dads have offered a spare bedroom for visiting Dads. What better way to make new friends and get to know another family? Don't let cost keep you away. Let us know how we can help you make it.

How Moms & Dads See Dads--a Research Study

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Tue, 08 May 2012 23:58:00 +0000

"Fathering Behaviors as Perceived by Both Parents" is a University of Houston study a to understand the involvement of fathers in a child’s life from either the father’s or the mother’s perspective.

The survey has a male version and a female version and takes about 30 minutes to complete; you may also write additional comments related to fathering behaviors at the end.

Your answers are based on your own opinion and experience and there are no right-or-wrong answers. This questionnaire is anonymous; your personal identity will not be known to the researcher and your answers will be reported collectively with other participants’ input.

To participate in this study go to the survey and follow the instructions. We'll update you on the results once the researchers are done with their work.

Connecting with Kids Through Dads

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 23:52:00 +0000

Research from the well respected Search Institute shows that only 35 percent of young people say they feel a caring adult at school truly knows them, let alone their interests.

Congregations and youth organizations don't fare much better.

At the same time, years of research show that the impact of even one caring adult relationship has huge benefits for a child.

If you are a professional working with families, you probably already know the importance of your positive relationships with kids.

You can strengthen and nurture those relationships by respecting and engaging with the child’s family.

But have you reflected on how seldom such a professional-to-family connection is made with a child’s father or stepfather?

Check back here (or subscribe to the blog) for tips for professionals to tap the power and potential of father-child relationships.

If you or your agency could benefit from father involvement strategies, contact me for information about my in-service trainings and consulting.

Show Me the Money

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:03:00 +0000

Financial literacy remains an under-taught and under-discussed subject in our schools and homes.

Now, a new report from the respected Search Institute suggests that existing financial literacy programs may be working from flawed assumptions. The report identifies these as:

Limited evidence of program effectiveness in having a lasting impact on student knowledge or financial behaviors
A persistent myth that financial knowledge is a primary driver of financial decisions, given that so many psychological and other factors play major roles in choices
The danger of “blaming the victim” by putting primary or sole responsibility on the individuals for their financial situation
The limited relevance of the core content of many financial literacy programs, particularly for low-income youth and families
Questions about whether to focus on financial “literacy” or financial “capability

If you work with families, financial literacy for children (and parents) ought to be part of your work. Most parents--including fathers and stepfathers--are in the workforce and managing money.

That makes it essential to include parents--including fathers and stepfathers--in our efforts to raise citizens who know the values and strategies they need to manage their resources over a lifetime.

What are you doing to improve financial know-how for children and families?

How Much Can Marriage Solve?

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 23:15:00 +0000

For years, there's been heated debate about the efficacy--and moral assumptions behind--marriage promotion as a solution for poverty. Much of what we've read through those years has been simplistic and too readily used to promote one political policy agenda or another.

A recent discussion of the relationship between poverty and marriage is refreshingly different. Former George W. Bush adviser Ron Haskins makes a strong case in the Washington Post for greater personal responsibility among young people, and proposes marriage as a good measure of same.

Jodie Levin-Epstein, responding in the Huffington Post, makes an equally strong case that young people with little hope of economic stability may be acting responsibly by not bringing that instability into marriage. Levin-Epstein, deputy director of CLASP, which advocates on low-income policy matters, writes that poor people crave relationship stability as much as the affluent do.

In 20+ years of listening to men talk about their fathering and stepfathering experiences, it seems clear to me that poverty can't be licked with a one-size-fits-all relationship remedy. I am relieved to see some nuance about the marriage-promotion discussion migrating from academia into mainstream opinion-makers' conversation.

For ongoing perspective and research on these issues, connect with the Center for Family Policy and Practice at http://www.cffpp.org/.

Webinar: Power & Potential of Father/Daughter Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 19:06:00 +0000

You’re invited to a webinar I'm doing March 3 on the father-daughter relationship. Should be an interesting hour, and having you there would add a lot to the experience for other participants (and maybe for yourself!). The details are below. Thanks! – Joe

The Power & Potential of Father/Daughter Relationships
Presented by Joe Kelly, Fathering Educator at The Emily Program and
author of the best-seller Dads & Daughters®: How to Inspire,
Understand and Support Your Daughter.

Date: Thursday, March 3, 2011
Time: 8:00PM - 9:00PM(EST)

Unlock the unique influence of fathers and stepfathers as the "first man" in his daughter's life—along with fun and practical strategies for how to use that influence intentionally and intelligently.
(Facilitated by Lisa Kaplan-Miller as part of the National Association of Mother Centers' Parenting & Family Webinar Series)

Author, activist and father Joe Kelly speaks around North America on fathering, parenting, and media's impact on the family. He is Fathering Educator for The Emily Program, one of the largest eating disorders treatment programs in the US.

Register now!

JOINING A WEBINAR IS EASY! ALL YOU NEED IS A PHONE LINE AND A COMPUTER.

Father-Child Gratitude

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 13:07:00 +0000

Sometimes we’re so busy trying to get though today’s crazed schedule—or preparing for tomorrow’s and the next day’s—that we forget to talk about the most important things. Especially at this time of year.

Here’s a quick and simple exercise, appropriate for Thanksgiving week, to better understand how important you and your child or stepchild are to each other.

Jot down 10 things you are grateful for as a Dad. Make sure that at least 5 of those things relate directly to this individual child—what you are grateful to her or him for…or what it is about this child that you want to give thanks for.

Type up your list and print it out nicely so that you can present it to your child. Feel free to decorate it, use fancy fonts, or keep it very simple. Then, give it to your child.

Invite your child to write down 10 things she or he is grateful for about being a part of the family you both belong to—and invite her or him to share that list with the rest of the family.

Few of us spend a lot of conscious energy thinking about gratitude, so it can take some effort and concentration to articulate the things for which we are grateful. That’s OK—like most essential things in fathering, what is hard is also worthwhile.

We’re very grateful that you care so much about healthy, engaged fathering. Happy Thanksgiving!

Kelly to Speak @ MN Public Health Assn Family Forum

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 14:42:00 +0000

This year’s public policy forum for the Minnesota Public Health Association explores the intersection of the family and public health. The first forum (November 12, 2010 7:30-9:00 am) discusses ways that the family—its membership, and structure, and the interactions among family members—have changed over the last 10-20 years.

The panelists will be Dr. Bill Doherty from the Family Social Science Department at the University of Minnesota; Joe Kelly, fathering author and fathering educator for The Emily Program; Beth Quist, executive director of the Working Family Resource Center; and Janet Salo, the Kinship Navigator Project Coordinator for the Minnesota Kinship Caregivers Association.

Thursday morning, Nov. 11 from 7:30-9:00 am at the Minnesota Department of Health, Snelling Office Park, 1645 Energy Park Drive in St. Paul.

The event is $8 for MPHA members, $15 for non-members and $5 for students. Register at www.mpha.net/tabs/events/eventdetails.aspx?EventId=170.

Halloween Tips for Dads & Daughters

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 22:17:00 +0000

Feel trapped by over-sexed & over-commercialized Halloween costumes for your daughter?

The search for Halloween costumes can be treacherous, filled with over-sexed and stereotyped "choices." These healthy ideas from Drs. Lyn Mikel Brown and Sharon Lamb (authors of Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers' Schemes) help Dads fight back and let her creativity sparkle! (Use these tips with your sons, too--kids' resiliency grows if they don't get stuck in arbitrary gender roles.)

1. Help her think outside the box (especially boxes of store-bought costumes). Imagination and creativity can help girls break out of gender stereotypes...and are great practice for reality.
2. Encourage her to be anyone or anything for Halloween--and the rest of her life. Help her to be inspired by real women doing wild, brave and phenomenal things.
3. Listen to her ideas and encourage all the possibilities. She is bombarded with pink princesses, sexy divas and pop stars, but don't assume anything-let her costume choice surprise you!
4. Discuss and work on Halloween costumes together. It's a great learning and bonding experience. Help her recall the best costumes she ever saw, and share some favorites from your childhood.
5. Add her own twist to pink and glitter, and have her character DO something. Help her imagine a feisty fairy taking on the evil dragon, a butterfly that saves the insect world, or a queen who fights for her country with sheath and sword. She can be a glittered firefighter, or even a sparkly skeleton!
6. Sit down and let your daughter create her own character and story. She can raid the family closets or dress up box to become the wildest or coolest character ever!
7. Tap her love for scary stories and the history of Halloween; help her go "traditional" and be a witch, Frankenstein, or a ghost. Avoid those sexy diva witch costumes; use your own imagination to create the scary, ugly, and awful look.
8. Draw on her favorite book or character. Reread the book with her to plan what she'll need to "be" Anne of Green Gables, Dorothy of Oz, or Hermione Granger. And don't rule out boy characters: Dracula, Harry Potter, or even Dumbledore!
9. Is your daughter an athlete or history buff? Halloween is a chance to become Lorena Ochoa, Mia Hamm, Danica Patrick, Sheryl Swoopes, Se Ri Pak, Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc, Harriet Tubman, Sally Ride, Golda Meir-the list is endless (and can include males)! Her Jane Goodall can carry a stuffed gorilla; her Van Gogh can wear a bandage on his ear-once you start brainstorming, ideas will flood in.
10. Halloween is all about being what you aren't...help her stretch her imagination. Teach her that it's false advertising when stores label cowpoke, police officer and firefighter costumes as "for boys." (Then introduce her to the female police officers and fire fighters in your community!) Halloween is a day of imagination-a perfect opportunity to show her that she can be anyone, any profession, any role.
Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com and www.Daughters.com.

Dads’ 10 Tips for the New School Year

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:01:00 +0000

Our children and stepchildren are starting the new school year. Dads & Stepdads are a valuable resource for kids in school. Here are a few simple tips to help you help them get the most out of this year (pronouns alternate because we dads have both girls & boys):

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

2. Help him keep perspective. Gently remind him that there are more important things than who’s wearing what, or who is going out with whom. Let him know (in word and deed) that you love him for who he is, no matter what.

3. Set the stage. Ask your child what a successful school year would look like for her—friends, sports, activities, dating—and then have her tell you about how important each goal is to her and if she thinks each one is realistic. It’s OK to discuss your expectations regarding grades, but remember the important lessons learned outside the classroom and all the pressures which face our kids today.

4. Nurture your special father-child bond. Go out for ice cream, go swimming, shoot hoops, or do something you know he loves. The beginning of school is a great time to begin a new tradition. How about a lunch date the last Saturday of every month?

5. Let her cope and experiment. School can be a great place for her to learn important personal and interpersonal skills which will serve her later in life. Don’t rush in to solve every problem – listen. But never back down where her personal safety is concerned.

6. Walk a mile in his shoes. Try to imagine what he’s experiencing and what it means to him. Your understanding and empathy can help him make it through his own trials.

7. Celebrate success. We dads sometimes tend to focus more on what’s not going right than we do on what is going well. Be sure to let her know how proud you are of her talents and accomplishments—even if they are not readily recognized by others.

8. Be his hero. Stay always mindful of his unique spirit and give him your loyalty, kindness, acceptance, respect, and support. Your influence in his life is unique, so make it as positive as possible.

9. Tell stories about yourself. Many things have changed since you were a kid, but most of the important stuff is still the same. Share your own youthful struggles with staying true to yourself, your values, and your friends. Don’t make every story into a lecture, and be sure to admit your mistakes—they can teach her a lot (starting with humility)!

10. Honor his interests. Even if his passion isn’t your first choice for fun, be there for him, let him teach you about his interests, and learn why he’s passionate about them. Your validation is a huge help to him.

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.TheDadMan.com.

9 Tips for Dads to Encourage Reading

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 21:43:00 +0000

Whether your child is a toddler or a teenager, dads & stepdads can encourage the irreplaceable love of reading. Here's how:
(Pronouns alternate between daughter and son.)

Read to them. From her earliest days, read stories to your child from a picture book, the newspaper, or anyplace else. Your infant needs to hear your voice, and if she hears you reading, you help connect her to the excitement of the written word. When she's ready, invite her to read aloud to you and show her how much you enjoy listening. Some dads and daughters still read aloud when the daughter is a teenager or adult, because it's a special "just us" time together.
Show them books. Pictures in a book (or the actual world outside) are far more effective for a toddler's brain development than any video or TV show. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends NO screen time for children under 2, because it can disrupt healthy brain development. On the other hand, reading together stimulates intellectual and social development.
Be patient. If you've ever tried to learn a new language as an adult, you understand how incredible it is for a pre-schooler to learn to speak and read her own language. It takes time! Play with letters together, help him learn and manipulate them. Most kids learn to read at their own pace with encouragement and exposure to letters and books.
Go to the library together. Libraries have something for people of every age and background. No matter how old she is, you can help turn her on to the joys of wondering the stacks and discovering hidden treasures of books around every corner.
Make books together. When he's young, scribble together in crayon on construction paper, and then fold the pieces together to make a book. Doesn't matter if it appears "real" to you or is just jibberish-he'll have the pride of creating a book. For more book-making ideas, see The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship.
Be eclectic. It's OK for teenagers to still like "Goodnight Moon" while simultaneously being passionate about anime, Jane Austin and Twilight. Reading is reading, so encourage it all.
Be curious. Ask your child about what she's reading, and be willing to answer questions about what you're reading (or anything else). Encourage her to ask questions about what a book says-and to use that critical thinking and curiosity in the rest of her life.
Power down. Too much time at a screen--TV, computer, video game, cell phone, etc,--inhibits your child's interest in reading and his ability to read well. Turn off screens, limit screen time, and cut back on the electronic toys. Simple toys (like blocks, crayons, and cardboard boxes) stimulate creative play, social and mental development, and lay a good foundation for reading.
Make time to read yourself. A big chunk of our fatherly influence comes from the example we set for our kids and stepkids. Get into reading yourself, and be eclectic-comic books are OK for you, too! Your enjoyment is infectious and triggers your child's interest.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Fathers Day & Birth Days

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 18:07:00 +0000

I like Fathers Day because I get good cards & messages from my kids and because I get to go out to eat. As a long-time advocate for fathers & stepfathers, I also like that folks spend at least a few moments thinking about involved fatherhood and its meaning.

No single experience transformed me as a human being more than the experience of being a father to my children. Taking the chance to be an at-home dad for some of their childhood, I felt the immediacy of that visceral, spiritual connection between father and child—a connection that continues 30 years later.

My kids are grown now, but that fact hasn’t changed some things. They are still important to me, and vice versa—although in different and continually evolving ways. I’ve also been blessed over the years to hear stories from thousands of fathers and kids, as a teacher and advocate for engaged fathering and stepfathering.

All of those stories and experiences renforce my measure of “engagement” for fathers: as a Dad, am I committing the same level of intensity as I did the day my child was born? The day of wonder and mystery and legacy when I first held my child in my hands?

So, there’s a Fathers Day wish: may every day as a dad bring you as much experience as possible of the intensity and wonder and commitment of fathering.

Father's Day Fill In the Blanks

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 16:51:00 +0000

This Fathers Day, take a step beyond honoring dad with a card or gift. Set aside a few moments to learn something more about your own father, stepfather, father-in-law...and learn about yourself as a father. Fill in the blanks in the 10 statements below and then share them with your dad--and your kids.

If your father or stepfather is gone, show you answers to your spouse, partner, siblings, and/or other loved ones. (Thanks to Gary Burns & his daughters, creators of The Communications Game, for help with this list)

What I admire most about my father is ____. I say that because ____.

I really want my father to know ______. I say that because ______.

The time I felt most loved in my life was when ______. I say that because ______.

I wish my father and I had more time or ability to ___________ together. I say that because ______.

My greatest joy in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest joy, Dad?

My greatest satisfaction in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest satisfaction, Dad?

What I value most in a friend is _______. I say that because ______.

For me, loyalty means _________. I say that because ________.

Of all the people who died before I was born, I would most like to visit with ______. I say that because ________.

The thing I will remember most about my father is _________. I say that because ________.

12 Prom Tips for Dads

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 19:37:00 +0000

Prom season is approaching fast. For Dads, that can stir up excitement, dread, fun, uncertainty...all at the same time! Prom is a sign of how quickly our "little" kids are growing up, and a reminder of the hazards they face out in the big bad world.

These TheDadMan.com tips help Dads and kids get the most out of Prom time (she/he pronouns alternate, but the tips apply equally to daughters and sons).

1. It's his Prom, not yours. Dad functions best when he's a good coach who listens closely to where he's at, rather than imposing his emotions or fears on the situation.

2. "Dad" = "Detective." Yes, it's more than okay to meet your kid's date ahead of time. Make it a low-pressure meeting, like encouraging her to invite her date over to do homework some night. Promise her you won't act like a prosecuting attorney (and then keep that promise), but let her know you care about her friends because you care so much about her.

3. Be in the know about the "Nos." No booze, no drugs, no hotel rooms, no riding without seatbelts. No exceptions--no matter how persistently he argues: "But, Dad! Everyone is doing it!" Then make sure he knows that, no matter where, when, or what the situation, you will come get kid & date immediately if they find themselves in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. And that there will be no lecture until at least the next day. Make a pact that you and he BOTH will let each other know where you are and who you're with, all evening, no exceptions. Be sure he has access to a phone to reach you.

4. Keep your head when, all around you, others are losing their shoulder straps. Wearing "sexy" clothes (and dyeing hair) is normal adolescent behavior. It can be a teenager's self-directed experiment in self-definition. Dad's job is to let her know that he loves her for who she is, now and forever. Meanwhile, you are not a dork if you set a dress code, but be willing to compromise or (even better) develop a dress code together.

5. Beauty is in the eye of Dad. Always remember how important your opinions are to your child or stepchild. A kid needs to know that Dad thinks he is wonderful inside and out. Tell him he glows by just being himself. Remember: no tux, dress, hairdo or flowers can match the true, inner beauty you see in your children.

6. Yes, Dad, Prom costs money. So set a budget early. Talk honestly with each other about the cost of tickets, dress/tux/suit, flowers, parties, etc. Then work out a realistic plan for what you can afford together, letting her share some of the load.

7. Simple is the new black. Many kids and families (and, sadly, some schools) invest so much in Prom that it seems like a bigger deal than a wedding. While teens want to fit in, they also like to be different. So offer the "simple" approach to Prom as the way to be radically different. Skip the limo (dress up & be the chauffeur yourself), skip the high-priced labels (many fine togs hang in thrift and consignment shops), and skip the Royal Banquet (suggest the old-fashioned idea of post-Prom bowling or making a scene eating at the local diner in tuxes and gowns).

8. Do the Dad Dance. Make sure he knows how to slow dance with class and style. Practice with him and Mom or Stepmom to some songs from your Prom days.

9. Lock in on lock-ins. If the school hosts a post-Prom overnight lock-in, make sure you know what will be happening there and get her commitment to observe all the rules (including the one about having fun). If you volunteer to chaperone, make the following deal with a fellow chaperone: "I promised my daughter that I wouldn't hover around her and her date. So, if you keep a close eye on my kid, I'll cover your flank by keeping a close eye on your kid."

10. C'mon over! Avoid the post-Prom party minefield by having your kid and a handful of his friends (and even their dates!) over to your house for a relaxed, substance-free, and well-chaperoned get-together. Let them attend another non-school post-Prom party ONLY if you know the host family very well, they have a substance-free policy (& the parents know there's going to be a party!)

11. Breaking up doesn't mean the party's over. If she breaks up with her date before Prom, encourage her to go with one or more other friends, even if there isn't any romantic interest. But most of all, respect how she's feeling, hear her out, support her, and follow her lead.

12. Leave the light on. Wait up until he gets home, and then enjoy the fruit of your trust in each other-the great stories he'll tell about the Prom.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Tips for Dads & Kids Watching the Super Bowl Together

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 18:42:00 +0000

One of a Dad's simple pleasures is watching TV sports together with his kids and/or stepkids. But what about those moments (like during some questionable commercials) when you want to cover your child's eyes with your hands?

Here are a few simple tips from The Dad Man to help fathers and stepfathers get more out of watching February 7's Super Bowl 44 (and other TV sportscasts) with their daughters and sons.

1. Spend part of Sunday (or any) afternoon tossing the ball around with your kids. Dads who are physically active with their daughters & sons increase the odds that they'll grow up healthy and strong.
2. If she doesn't like to play catch, take a walk or bike ride together. Let your child know that you enjoy being with her. The time together may give her an opportunity to share what is going on in her life. Kids may see our enthusiasm for sports and think we're more interested in our favorite team than in them. Making time for them on Super Bowl Sunday (and every other day) can counter that perception.
3. Try to watch the broadcast through your child's eyes. Would any images, commercials, or events look or feel different if it was your kid on the screen? What does he think of all the hype about commercials during the game? Share your perceptions with him and ask him what he thinks.
4. When watching the game, be aware that the things your child or stepchild sees may be entirely different from what you see. For example, instead of enjoying the game, is your daughter feeling inadequate while comparing her body to the "perfect" cheerleaders or hyper-sexualized women in the ads? What misconceptions might the commercials give your son about what it means to be a "real" man?
5. Use the remote! If you see disrespectful or objectifying ads and images, change the channel so you, your kids, and your family don't have those images in your home. Let your kids know why you decided to flip and ask for their feedback.
6. Compare the number of female sports announcers (many fewer) and their roles (usually on the sidelines) to the number and role of the male announcers. Tell your kids what you think about those numbers. Do they mean that your daughter can't be as big a fan as you or your son? Do you want your sons or daughters to have their career aspirations curtailed by their gender?
7. Ask your kids which players and coaches they admire or see as heroes. Tell them which ones you admire, and then share your reasons with each other.
8. After the game, debate your opinions on the crucial plays and most exciting moments. Then invite your children or stepchildren to do something special together next Sunday to keep these conversations rolling and to convince them that the most important man in their lives takes them seriously-and enjoys being with them!
9. Use the Super Bowl to become more media-literate and sensitive to your children's experience. Pay more attention to how media portray boys, girls, women and men. When you see an advertisement or program, ask "What if it was my child in that picture?", and then reassess your reaction to it.

Get more fathering resources at www.TheDadMan.com.

The Holidays: Acquisition or Altruism?

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 14:26:00 +0000

For parents trying to pass on positive values to children in a commercialized culture, the December holidays pose an especially difficult challenge. Each year, holiday marketing begins earlier. And our children, targets for marketing all year round, face an ever-intensified onslaught of advertising designed to supplant the cultural, spiritual, social-political meaning of the holidays with celebration of materialistic acquisition instead of altruism, spending instead of spirituality, and getting instead of giving.

That’s why I wrote a contribution to the Campaign for Commercial Free Childhood’s CCFC Guide to Commercial-Free Holidays.

Of course, there's no one size fits all method for getting through the holidays with your values intact. So the CCFC guide provides an array of suggestions, from people we respect and admire, for reclaiming your family celebrations from marketers. Please check it out.

Father-Child Gratitude

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:30:00 +0000

Here’s a quick and simple exercise, appropriate for Thanksgiving week, to better understand how important you and your child or stepchild are to each other.

Type up your list and print it out nicely so that you can present it to your child. Feel free to decorate it, use fancy fonts, or keep it very simple. Then, give to your child.

Invite your child to write down 10 things she or he is grateful for about being a part of the family you both belong to—and invite her or him to share that list with the rest of the family.

Few of us spend a lot of conscious energy thinking about gratitude, so it can’t take some effort and concentration to articulate the things for which we are grateful. That’s OK—like most essential things in fathering, what is hard is also worthwhile.

Here at The Dad Man, we’re very grateful that you care so much about healthy, engaged fathering. Happy Thanksgiving!

10 TIPS FOR PREVENTING CYBER BULLYING

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 19:32:00 +0000

These tips come courtesy of Ellen Ohlenbusch, President of McGruff SafeGuard (www.GoMcGruff.com)

1. Keep computers in an open area – not in a child’s bedroom

2. Tell kids to keep passwords safe, private and difficult to guess – no pet names as passwords!

3. Don’t allow your child to maintain multiple accounts with alias names

4. Teach children to respect others online, as they would in person

5. Discuss bullying and the emotional impact it creates

6. Discuss what content is and is not appropriate to share online

7. Tell kids that what they post online is “out there” forever – they can’t control how other people will use their photos or information

8. Discuss how ‘piling’ on is not appropriate. That while they may not start something, if they see cyber bullying happening, they should not contribute. [editorial comment from Joe Kelly: I think we also must help our kids learn how to intervene—one of the biggest contributors to bullying is the passivity of bystanders. See the Surviving Bullies website.]

9. Set a clear standard/example for your children to follow

10. Install a parental monitoring software that sends email alerts if cyber-bullying is detected.

Making a Difference-Preventing Violence

noreply@blogger.com (Joe Kelly) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:23:00 +0000

As fathers and stepfathers of daughters, we realize our unique responsibility to assist in the primary prevention of sexual and domestic violence. But too many men don’t think we have a role.

That’s why I’d like you to join me at the “Men Can Make A Difference” conference October 2nd ad 3rd At Cragun’s Resort outside Brainerd, Minnesota. I’ll be conducting two workshops there and the featured speakers include Tony Porter (left) Co-Founder of A Call to Men and Robert Jensen (right), the University of Texas professor who does so much to show pornography’s devastating role in defining masculinity.

Learn more and register at www.menaspeacemakers.org/programs/mnman/conference.

I hope to see you there.