The Daily Bitch

NaDruBloMo is HERE!

2009-11-01T07:47:00.004-06:00

As you "writers" know, the annual panic and pressure (that you bring on yourselves, of course, because you DO realize that you will NOT actually be tortured or put to death if you don't finish, right?) of NaNoWriMo is upon us beginning today!

National Novel Writing Month.

Seriously, I admire you people so much for even trying, I love the premise of NaNoWriMo, but frankly it's WAY too hard and far beyond my scope of capabilities. I actually signed up to try one year - long, long ago and far, far away - and I didn't even get started.
My problem is that I simply can't write on demand, which is one of the (MANY) reasons I do not Blog For $$. I can't do it. I won't do it, but also I CANNOT.

Also I am not good at thinking of stuff.

SO!

For all you slackers like me, I am introducing something even
MORE BETTER!
MORE REASONABLE!
MORE FUNNER! (see why I am not a writer? I use words like 'funner' and 'more better)

Please join me in the FIRST EVER NATIONAL DRUNKEN BLOGGING MONTH!

All of the fun and excitement with NONE OF THE PRESSURE!
There will be, I imagine, some embarrassment and remorse, but hey - that's really the fun part for the rest of us.

One of the other nice things about NaDruBloMo is that you can join up at any time. We WILL accept your submissions once you drop out of NaNoWriMo in the middle of the month and let's face it, that is BOUND to happen to a lot of you.
I read the excuses every year: No time! I missed my word count! Writer's block! I was sick for 4 days! My kid was sick! I forgot! I had to work overtime! I had hemorrhoids and couldn't sit in front of the computer! My cat walked across the keyboard and deleted 5627 words!

Yes, we will gladly let you join us when that happens to you.

Simply drink a lot, and then write a blog post at the height of your inebriation.
Then when you're sober the next day (or two, I know some of you prefer the 2-or 3-Day Bender)...don't bother to delete the post because by then we've already read it anyway so it doesn't matter.

Grab our Official NaDruBloMo Logo and stick it on your post and/or sidebar - Be Proud, Be A Drunken Blogger!

I'll start things off with a post I actually Live-Drunk-Blogged a couple years ago. Feel free to use this format, it's really fun for your readers.

Remember: Drinking and Blogging DO MIX!

9:34pm
Kids are asleep.
I was going to get wine...but I was too lazy to drive to the liquor store (seriously, it's like...three whole miles away) so I thought I'd try some Smirnoff thingies in different flavors (black cherry right now). I'm a lightweight, you see...I rarely ever drink so I'm figuring in another hour I'll be passed out over the keyboard, where my drool will short circuit the thing and it'll start a fire, and then the smoke will keep me passed out, so...if you see my "REGARDING MONTY" post come up in the next couple days, you'll know that it was a tragic death due to fire and where to send flowers.

So I'm into the second bottle from the first six pack, and so far, nothing. Not a buzz. And I CHUGGED the first one in about 3 seconds.
So this experiment might not work...I SHOULD have gone for the Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum and Coke. Yum.
Dammit.

10:13PM
**note to self: do NOT eat large quantities of pepperoncinis with pizza before drinking.
Bleurgh.

I love cornhuskers hand lotion.
I hate that they put clear lids on Pringle's cans, because I've stubbed my fingers on the lid twice now.

10:37pm
I wish this stuff would kick in, because I'm nt even feeling a buzz.(green apple flavor now)
It IS creating some lovely, long, drawn-out belches. YEAH. A prize any man would treasure, I am.
Tommy recommended I use spelll check, but I figure, why start now?
I'll be regretting that decision in the morning.

11:15ppm
Say, did ou know how I got my mane aka-monty?
Because I love all things monty python. and I watched all the movies a million times.

Okay, that wasn't a very good stoory.

I need a scigarette.
I disabled my webcam just in case I was tempted to do something foolish.
Go me.

1200ish

I'm glad I left the window open onmy compouter, becosua I can't remember my passworld

I think i want to go leaves ome commetns on my fiend's blogs. I'll bring smirnoff thingies. (rasberry)

some time and there's nothinggood on tv
and my daughter got up and requestec that i p:LEase stop singing so luod.

To all you beople with the smap filters...it took me about seventy five tries to get the correct numbres and letters in.
Just so you realize my didication to you.

I have got to stop watching supernanny.
I relaize that they are specific cases, but the parents are all like 'oh dear it breaks my heart to have so tit them on th NAUGHTY STEP!'
and "i can't disciplne thme because they won.t like me anymore!'

Seriosuly. Bust that ass.
If my kid dosent dislike me at least once a day, im'm not doing something right.

I just wonder how a kid gets to be seven years old, or six, or five, or whatever, and think it is OKAY tohit and punchg their parents.
How do they learn to do that? How do htey learn that is accceptable behavior?

Anybody know?

whothehellcares it is dark and i want ot sleep

I wish I had osme ice cream
I am a jealous person.
There. NOw I said it.

I'm yealous of you.

please forgive me. I've been informed that this post was only good if you were drunk whe you readd it.
I got it all ass-backwards.

TEXT A THON!

2009-09-09T16:57:00.006-05:00

YES I KNOW, I HATE VIDEOS ON BLOGS.
But I swear this time it's for a good cause. Would I lead you astray?
Don't answer that.
Shut up.

As you may (or may NOT) know, September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month.
My grandma died of ovarian cancer, so this is a cause that is near and dear to me, just like my grandma was.
My grandma was made of AWESOME. She always knew exactly how to cook my eggs. EXACTLY. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
She taught me how to sop up the egg yolk with toast...and she always made toast under the broiler and it was the BEST EVER. She gave me coffee and homemade hot chocolate --no powdered packets for her, she mixed the cocoa and sugar and milk and cooked it on the stove.

She knew how to do EVERYTHING, as far as I was concerned.
There was always dessert at her house too -- homemade peach fried pies, German chocolate cake, red velvet cake, cookies cookies cookies... and ice cream.
I miss my grandma.

I wish I'd have had a few more years with her, because she died when I was just getting old enough to appreciate her.

ANYWAY. The point here is this: cancer research has come a looooong way...but we've miles to go before we sleep.

Now, I have a series of tasks for you.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be:

1. ENTER TO WIN! A NEW! WASHER & DRYER from MOM! CENTRAL! and ELECTROLUX! (I have had! Too much! Coffee!)

2. TEXT “KELLY” to 85944 to donate $5 to support the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund!

and

C. Send a VIRTUAL T-SHIRT to me (and your other friends, of course, provided you have any)(haha)(just keeedeeen). For every virtual t-shirt you send, ELECTROLUX WILL DONATE A $1 TO OCRF.

Now watch the video. Text. Send T-shirts. Win stuff.

name="allowFullScreen" value="true">

I'm not transparent, I'm sheer.
"I wrote this review while participating in a blog tour campaign by Mom Central on behalf of Electrolux and received a gift certificate to thank me for taking the time to participate."

But you guys probably knew that already.

My Little Contribution

2009-09-04T23:50:00.002-05:00

WOO! All the audio files for each session from BlogHer Chicago '09 are posted for your listening pleasure!

And if you listen carefully to the intros, you just might hear a familiar voice.

CHECK THEM OUT!

And Now A Word For...I mean ABOUT...Our Sponsors

2009-09-03T07:30:00.000-05:00

"It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad." --Garth Algar, Wayne's World

If I NEVER EVER EVER hear the words "monetize" and/or "transparency" again, it'll be way too fuckin' soon for me.

In order to be like Mr. Cellophane, here's MY stance on the whole Sponsored/Ethical Blogging thingy, if you can stand one more person posting about it.

Seriously, I barely can and I'm WRITING the damn thing.

I get pitched for about 5 or 6 things a week, which really isn't many compared to what some bloggers get.
Mostly mine are for books, household products, little stuff like that. I'm not one of the "In" crowd who gets the big shit - cars and refrigerators and deeeelux vacations to Disneyworld or whole new wardrobes.
I'm okay with that because it seems like those are always the people who do the most bitching about everything and frankly I've got WAY better things to bitch about.

ANYWAY.

I turn down probably 9 out of every 10 "offers".
Like... if they begin the e-mail with "Hi Blogger" or "Dear Shane" or "To Daily Bitch" or when they say "We love your blog" and it's quite clear they've never even read it.
Mostly I turn down the stuff that doesn't interest me.
If I have ZERO desire to try it, or don't think I will like a particular product or read a particular book, I simply turn it down.
EASY PEASY.

If I DO decide to give it a shot, then it's because I am excited to try it out, to have it for my own, to get that free bottle of dishwashing liquid because I think I will be happy with it and want to pass that info on to my friends -- ESPECIALLY the $$ saving and/or GREEN stuff.

I DO NOT ACCEPT $$ FOR REVIEWS other than this (or let me qualify that with AS OF YET, because I'm not ruling it out, is all I'm saying):
Occasional $20 gift card to Amazon, Target, or for gift to a charity--I figure it's small enough compensation for my time in writing the post, considering I'm a lazy asshole.
I also, naturally, like getting a free book or free product sample -- sometimes they even send a coupon.

That's it.
I didn't start a blog to make money.
I started a livejournal then moved to a blog to foster a community, to vent, to share my experiences or troubles and get feedback.
I never even THOUGHT about blogging for $$ or reviews or anything else.
I don't want to think about it NOW, because it has nothing to do with this blog or my way of thinking.

You can tell what posts are "reviews" and "sponsored" because they are clearly marked in the tags, with icons of the group for whom I'm reviewing as WELL AS the manufacturer, and lots of links. And if you actually READ the post, it will say in there several times who and where it came from.

All that aside, what YOU do is fine with me. Why should I care?
Make a million off your blog if that's what you want to do; frankly, it's no skin off my nose. Just don't say HEY I LOVE LEXUS! for no apparent reason when what REALLY happened was they gave you one to test drive for a year.
Maybe I don't read your blog because you "monetize", or I don't read it because I don't like what you have to say or how you say it or your opinions or your utter vapidness or whatever. There are a million reasons for me not to read it.
(okay, mostly the reason is due to time constraints but HEY WORK WITH ME HERE I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT)

Ever since I got my first troll here years ago, I've had the same philosophy:

Why go in a titty bar if you don't like to look at naked boobs?

See how that works? If you don't like what we serve here...feel free to take your ass on down the road.

That's what *I* do.

The Weight Of Silence

2009-08-31T22:01:00.001-05:00

Aaaaah, book reviews, my favorite.
I know, you thought CLEANING products were my favorite...well, I do love them, but frankly we all know I'm a lazy cow and would much rather read than clean ANY day.

So I was happy to be on this book tour with Mother Talk -- I haven't been on tour with them in AGES. Anyway I was happy to take a test run of a new-to-me author, Heather Gudenkauf and her book The Weight Of Silence.

I opened it up and ran into my first little mental roadblock -- you get to read through the eyes of different characters, who are designated by their names on each 'chapter' page.
TYPICALLY I shy away from those and I'll tell you why: when I am engaged and involved in a story, I do not read the chapter titles.
Stephen King's chapter titles are wasted on me. I just keep turning the pages.

HOWEVER.
These were written in distinctive enough voices that once I'd read a couple of chapters with each character, I didn't need to look anymore.

I'm not going to tell you about the story, much, because you can get that from the Amazon site and a fafillion other review blogs.

I'll just tell you that it was suspenseful, engrossing, and had enough deliciously scary twists and turns to be A Very Good Read.
If you pay attention to the clues, you can figure the ending for yourself ahead of time -- I usually DON'T try to unravel the mysteries myself, I like to watch them unfold and appreciate the author's work in taking me there.
This one was a little easier to figure - if you're an avid fan of such stories and know what to look for.

I read so many detective stories and mysteries that I often check for a tail when I leave my house because I have become JUST THAT PARANOID.

You'll be sorry if it turns out I was right and I WAS being followed. YOU WILL.
Anyway.

The Weight of Silence by Heather Gudenkauf.
Two thumbs up from me.

Thank you Mother Talk for introducing us.

Now shoo.
Go read a book or something.

On BlogHer...

2009-08-08T11:25:00.003-05:00

Once again I missed out on the "big ticket" swag: the mini vibrators, the crocs and the cameras and the flips and the free road trip in a new car and blahblahblah.
I also missed out on all the "By Invitation Only" parties because, well, I was not one of the inviteeeeeees. (And seriously those types of parties seem to be EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT BLOGHER IS ALL ABOUT and I'm not even saying that out of bitterness. Mostly. But it irks the everlovin' SHIT out of me to hear people whining that "their party was CRASHED". Um, crash THIS, snotface)

I don't care though. I got lots of greenworks laundry detergent and awesome Bounce dryer bars (HELLO, SINGLE MOM ON A BUDGET, THIS SHIT IS PRICELESS TO ME), I got fun stuff for my kids like a book light (FYI PBS my daughter says COOL, THANKS!), stickers and coloring books for my niece, I found some delicious new (IZZE!) bubbly tasty Clementine-flavored juice, I got flash drives (YESSSSS! SCORE!) and I even won a set of 30th Anniversary Ty Teeny Beanie Babies AND $50 Arch card from McDonalds.
And tons of other things. And all the stuff I took? I'll use. The coupons, the Mary Kay lip gloss and the Eucerin lotion. It won't go to waste. If it was swag that I knew I'd never have a use for, I skipped it. To do otherwise is...how can I put this... oh yeah, STUPID AND GREEDY AND SELFISH.

If you're one of the greedy fuckheads that knocked people down just to get some free shit that you'll have forgotten about in a week, then SHAME ON YOU. I trust karma will be paying you a niiiiiiice visit soon. *fingers crossed!*

Speaking of swag and other free stuff...when did people become so jaded and entitled that it's become de rigeur to COMPLAIN about it? Seriously? IT'S FUCKING FREE.
It's SOMETHING MORE than you had before.
If you don't like it or won't use it, here's a tip: DON'T TAKE IT.
People bitched and moaned about THIS sponsor's giveaways or THAT sponsor's goodies. They bitched when they got A FREE RIDE TO BLOGHER IN A BRAND NEW CAR. They bitched about the quality of the FREE LUNCH (which HEY, RAGU, YUM! I loved it! And our waiter was THE SHIZZZZ!).

Seems to be a recurring theme every year.
I will never understand that.

What people seem to be forgetting is that it takes a WHOLE LOT of people doing a WHOLE LOT of work during the entire year to put a huge conference like this together. I'm sure they have to make compromises for the Greater Good (the greater good being US, of course, because THAT IS WHY THEY DO ALL THE WORK IN THE FIRST PLACE). And for you to act like ignorant, greedy, whiny ASSCLAMS is one of the most disrespectful things I've ever seen.

All that aside, I had THE! BEST! TIME! EVER! I stayed away from the aforementioned types. I tried to stay in the Drama-Free zone I created for myself. I went to the panels that I was really interested in - they were fantastic. I reconnected with my sweet Mamacita and Fausta, I got to kiss Karl and hug Neil, I re-met GeekMommy and SendChocolate and then I got acquainted face to face with Califmom, Twincident, EmmieJ, AnnieMal, Kelby, MissBritt, the notorious Avitable, and TasteLikeCrazy (and P.S. she DOES).
(DON'T get your feelings hurt if I didn't mention you -- I'm OLD and my memory has more holes than good swiss cheese and you KNOW I adore you and if you don't KNOW that then maybe it's only because I don't really like you at all. But I digress. And I hate that you made me say "I digress" which is second only to "monetize" in the category "Stuff I HATE TO SEE WRITTEN ON BLOGS BECAUSE IT IS SO OVERUSED")

One of the best parts though was having @pprlisa, @jamimiami, and @fabgirl there. They signed up for LobbyCon to join in the fun. And I didn't even miss those "Invite Only" bashes because I was laughing too much with My Entourage.

THANK YOU LADIES OF BLOGHER for allowing me to volunteer for the conference so that I was able to attend -- otherwise I wouldn't have been there. Thank you for the hard work. Thank you for rounding up the sponsors. Thank you for this great event.

The greedy whiny assclams? Can suck my dick.

That is all.
Have a day.

P.S. NO ONE PAID ME TO SAY ANY OF THAT STUFF OR GAVE ME ANY RECOMPENSE FOR ANY LINKS, IT IS SIMPLY A THANK YOU TO JUST A VERY FEW OF THE SPONSORS WHO HELPED MAKE BLOGHER 09 POSSIBLE - THEY DID A GREAT JOB AND MY MAMA RAISED ME TO BE POLITE AND APPRECIATE WHAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN AND ALWAYS THANK THE HOST/HOSTESS. IT'S JUST GOOD MANNERS.

A B.O.B. named PHIL

2009-08-03T13:26:00.002-05:00

So a week ago Friday I was at the BlogHer cocktail party (HAHA! COCK..TAIL. HOW APPROPRIATE! As you'll read in a minute...) when who to my wondering eyes should appear but Drew from one of my new favorite online (adult toy) stores, Eden Fantasys.
Many of you who listen to my weekly show have heard me sing the praises of the Eden Fantasys Adult Toy store, OVER and OVER and OVER again.
Do yourself a BIG FAVOR and go there.
Go now. I'll wait.

...........................................................................

NICE, right? I TOLD YOU.

I was thrilled to meet Drew face to face -- I didn't even know he'd be there! But there he was, constantly surrounded by adoring women (and even some men). Apparently at an earlier party he was actually mobbed by women because he was giving out some sort of baby Bunnies in the gift bags.

Drew is every woman's BFF. He's The Supplier.
It's like we're skankhoor crackheads and he's got our dime rocks. He is my hero and every single (and by single I mean uninvolved/unattached/lonely/desperate/horny) woman in the world should get to know him -- married/involved women too, of course, BUT EVERY SINGLE WOMAN EVERYWHERE FOR SURE.
Maybe you remember months & months ago when I sadly informed you that B.O.B.'s motor had burned out. Poor B.O.B. It was very sad--I actually cried for 3 days after the funeral. Luckily B.O.B.'s twin brother was living here too, which was good for me; he certainly helped me get back on track.
Silver-bullet B.O.B. I and II were my only experiences.
AND THEN.
My new BFF Drew sent me one of these bad boys to try.

OH.EM.GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I named it Phil. (Fill, get it? No? Shut up, you're dumb)

Phil is The Shiz. Phil knows just what I like and when I like it.
Phil knows all the right moves -- he's firm yet a little squooshy.
Phil is not messy and never makes me sleep in a wet spot.
I do not have to make conversation with Phil afterward, nor feel guilty about going right to sleep.

I love Phil the B.O.B.
He's the best B.O.Boyfriend I ever had.

Phil is something of a screamer though.. okay, not screamer, exactly, but more of a buzzer. He gets a little loud -- but HEY SO DO I.
Phil has different combinations of speeds for rotation AND vibration.

If Phil could wash dishes and scrub the toilet and kill spiders, well, I guess he'd be just about perfect.
Come to think of it, he probably COULD kill the spiders.
Is all I'm saying.

Flying The Friendly Skies

2009-07-30T22:17:00.001-05:00

Okay, the last post was about Amtrak and my trip TO Chicago for BlogHer 09. THIS one is about my trip HOME from Chicago -- I'm saving the In-Between until some of the furor dies down; everyone is doing recaps and frankly I HAVE THINGS TO SAY and I don't want them to get lost in everyone else's bitching because you KNOW that MY bitching takes precedence because let's face it, I have the experience as a Professional Bitcher. Look, it's MY BLOG NAME for crap's sake.
ANYWAY.

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Northwest Airlines for making my trip home from Chicago a most excellent one--especially since this was my first time on Northwest.

**DISCLAIMER: No one at Northwest Airlines has paid me in goods or actual money to say nice things, this is just KUDOS FOR A GREAT CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE and FOR ALL I KNOW they do not want me to associate myself with them.

Also does it count as joining the Mile High club if you only have your B.O.B.?
I'm just asking.
For research purposes.
Yeah.

So I go to O'Hare almost 3 hours before my flight, because I shared a cab with these two crazy ladies (HI FabGirl's mom!)...and when I got to the counter the lady said that my flight was in DELAYED status.
No problemo, though, she got me on an earlier flight.
And when I got to the boarding area, I noticed something even more important:

UPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS.

So maybe that's not a big deal for you. Maybe you only fly first class.
But for me? MY FIRST TIME.
It was EXCITING! I felt a little like a celebrity.
Naturally I was a total tyrant and ordered the flight attendants around, but I could tell they REALLY truly liked their nicknames HEY GIRL and YOU THERE.

I was pampered with hot towels, free drinks, tons of leg room, FINALLY enough seat room for my wide-load ass, and a delish Cobb salad for lunch. I SO wanted to hold up my tray and look around the divider curtain and go HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE COACH LOSERS!

AND.
Our attendant, Jerome Miller, was THE SHIZZZZZ. He was so cute and sweet and attentive and NICE, I wanted to just take him home with me.

(HI JEROME!!!)

Also he appreciated my good attitude (SHUT UP I CAN BE NICE WHEN I WANT TO I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO MOST OF THE TIME)(Also sorry if that caused you to have a small stroke but I SWEAR I was being on My Best Behavior).
Also ALSO I sat next to this guy who was a pilot for that airline and MAN OH MAN did he have the SEXIEST ARMS EVAR. He was quite handsome.
And has a girlfriend which sucked and had I known that in the beginning I would totally not have spent so much time talking to him.
KIDDING.
He was nice. And funny. And smart.

And the guy sitting in front of me was ALSO a pilot - I was all DID THEY BRING SPARES? WHAT? - and he was SUCH a Silver Fox.

Northwest Airlines definitely has the yummiest pilots I've ever seen.
Too bad I didn't get a peek into the cock...pit.
Is all I'm saying.

HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, *I'M* NOT THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE NAME.

I only like kids when they're funny.

2009-07-30T12:52:00.003-05:00

My Mom (to my 2-year-old niece): "Quit digging in your butt."
Niece: "There's something in there."
My Mom: "Something in your butt?"
Niece: "Yeah"
My Mom: "What is it?"
Niece: "Prolly panties."

And it was.

Tweets I'd Have Tweeted If Amtrak Had Wifi...

2009-07-27T15:12:00.005-05:00

...or Observations From An Amtrak Virgin.

first of all, CHICAGO BABY!
I was lucky enough to work as a volunteer at BlogHer this year, and I decided to take the train from Dallas to Chicago. 22 hours on a train - with no-one asking me for food or drink or play time or 'where's my pink shirt?' or 'Can I go.....'?
Actually for the most part it was pretty awesome.
Except for the crying babies.
And bratty kids.
And the chick who actually PICKED UP A DUDE on the train and spent all night talking and playing kissy-face with him in the seat next to me (NO I am not jealous at ALL so SHUT IT). Of course the next day by the time we arrived in Chicago he was sort of over it-- she was asking to see his driver's license and he was all "why you gotta ask such personal questions?"
Sometimes Strangers on A Train should stay that way.

BIG EPIC AMTRAK FAIL: No wi-fi.
HOW is that even possible in this day and age?
So I HAND WROTE IN A REAL PAPER JOURNAL (which is very gorgeous, by the way, deep red and a buttery soft suede-y cover and also a fabulous gift from the delightful de-lovely Mamacita)
"Things I Would Have Tweeted If Amtrak Had Wi-Fi".

I look and smell as though I slept on a train... you know, like a hobo.

Sorry, I mean home- and transportationally-challenged.

OH: this is like a circus train!
(well yeah, now that you've come aboard)

Also, lot of crazy people wave at trains.

Sorry, I mean sanity-challenged people.

I'm pretty sure this one couple had sex in the bathroom. What do you call that, the Mile Marker Club?

The amtrak employees on this trip are full of sigh.

Actually I think that Amtrak employees are more disgruntled than airline employees.

Perhaps the Amtrak employees are failed Stewardii.
Sorry, I meant Flight Attendants.

The observation car has really huge windows that are PERFECT for mooning people as they sit at the railroad crossings. Is all I'm saying.

OH: Boy: "Where are we?"
Grandma: "Lincoln, Illinois"
Boy: "Grandpa where are we?"
Grandpa: "LINCOLN, Illinois, now sssshhh."
Boy: "Where is this?"
ME: LINCOLN ILLINOIS YOU LITTLE BASTARD and WHY DO YOU CARE NOW SHUT UP!
(Okay, the last part was only in my head but I ALMOST said it out loud)

On a train, everyone walks like a drunk. Makes it harder to pick out my mark.

Thinking of having a t-shirt made that says "They're just fat, not fake" across the boobs.

Helpful Hints From Monty

2009-07-21T14:33:00.003-05:00

Dear Men,

We girls do NOT (NOT! NOT! NOT!) like it when you're drama-queenier* than we are.
Is all I'm saying.

*unless of course you're gay in which case it is not only ALLOWED but also EXPECTED and even ENCOURAGED because then it's fun and we can bitch about stuff together but I mean straight guys who are boyfriends/husbands/insignificant others

Sincerely,
Single-For-Good-Reasons Monty

Almost Famous

2009-07-12T23:48:00.006-05:00

I HAVE BEEN IMMORTALIZED, BITCHES.
Last year I did a review on this book, and guess what? I AM NOW A BLURB! (okay, the picture sucks, but my camera batteries were dead & I had to take it with the phone BUT SO WHAT IT SAYS MY BLOG NAME!)
Stay tuned for another Elin Hilderbrand review on The Castaways - coming soon!

And if you'll look closely at the third from the left on the third row, you will see the top half of my face ON.THE.COVER.
That's right, I am a Cover Girl.
Don't hate me because I am forever in laminate.
THANK YOU @TeeMonster, my Podcast Beefcake.

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, HMMM?

Is there a rosary for that?

2009-07-04T19:00:00.001-05:00

Forgive me blogfather, for I have sinned...
it's been TWO MONTHS since I even opened Bloglines and longer still since I've left comments.

What sort of penance do I deserve?
Also, I'm not Catholic so be gentle.

Git-tar HERO

2009-07-03T23:02:00.000-05:00

If you know me at all, you know I love my music. I love it so much that I rock it out every Friday night on my very own fake radio show.

It was the worst twist of fate that as much as I love music, as much as I live it and need it and feel it and immerse myself in it... I have ZERO MUSICAL TALENT.
I cannot read music.
I cannot play any instrument.
I cannot sing. Well, I can, but the results are not good.

But thanks to Mom Central and Guitar Hero and Nintendo DS... I CAN BE A ROCK STAR.

OH I know, I was already a RAWK STAR, thankyouverymuch. But this game is freaking AWESOME! I have a HUGE (eff off Paris, you utter twit, I can say HUGE if I want to) fan base and there's a cool Fan Request mode. You can FACE OFF against the game to win more fans. There are guitar duels in which you have to blow into the microphone to "cool" the fire, fix broken strings, & more challenges.

This particular game is the "MODERN HITS"... well, again, if you know me at all you know that I love my 70s & 80s music, my classic rock, my oldies... but surprisingly some of my favorites from Finger Eleven, Fall Out Boy & Modest Mouse were on the set list.
It comes with a "pick" stylus and an insert with the fret buttons.

If I have one complaint it is that insert does NOT always stay in securely when you have your hand through the "convenient" adjustable velcro strap -- several times I was TOTALLY rocking out and the game went BLANK and then gave me an error message because apparently the fret thingy had slipped out a little bit.
That was a large pain in my large ass.
BUT I eventually figured out that if I did NOT use the strap, the keys were less likely to come out.
Because seriously, you have to rock your whole body. And dance. And sing if you know the words.

I LOVE THIS GAME.
I've already decided to get my daughter one of the other Guitar Hero Tours ~~so that *I* can play it~~ when Christmas rolls around this year.

I LOVE THIS GAME.
Did I say that already?

WTF is wrong with you people?

2009-06-25T11:01:00.003-05:00

Apparently someone thinks I'm funny.
*I* think you just enjoy laughing AT me.

What the hell, as long as you're here, you might as well go VOTE FOR ME.
Not that I'll win. Also, is there a prize? I don't want to win if there's no prize.

Sort of like the BoB (NO, I'm talking about Best of Blogs awards, not Battery Operated Boyfriend awards, which, by the way, would totally be won by me and my BOB which I recently received from Eden Fantasy, is all I'm saying)... ANYWAY I won a BoB award a couple years ago AND NEVER EVER EVER EVER GOT THE ADVERTISED PRIZE.
NEVER.
STILL.
TO THIS DAY.
EVEN AFTER I BROUGHT IT TO THEIR ATTENTION ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.

But I'm not bitter.

Dear Dad: THANKS for, you know, everything.

2009-06-16T14:57:00.005-05:00

Dear Ol' Dad's Day is JUST AROUND THE CORNER -- I don't know about you but I struggle EVERY year to find a Father's Day gift for My Two Dads (YES, I have TWO so I am DOUBLE LUCKY!)...both of whom already have everything.

Okay, maybe not EVERYTHING, but everything they WANT, you know? I have one dad who has practically non-existent needs because if he wants something, he just gets it. Come to think of it, a lot of guys I know are JUST LIKE THAT *coughJECKLEScough*.
My other dad just says "NOTHING. I NEED NOTHING" whenever one of us tries to probe for information.

SO FRUSTRATING.

So in retaliation I usually just call them with a "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY and I'M THE BEST GIFT YOU COULD EVER GET AND YOU'VE ALREADY GOT ONE OF THOSE!".

Shut up. I AM A GREAT GIFT TO HUMANITY.

Anyway. Mom Central has proved to be a HUGE help this year with the Father's Day Gift Guide!
BBQ Grill tools, tents, imported beer steins, Norelco razors, books, cameras -- you can find something there to fit your budget! They have gift suggestions from UNDER $25 ~~if you're a cheap bastard like me~~ to OVER $100.
THIS IS A MOST FANTASTIC IDEA.

Also? WIN FREE STUFF.
We all know how much I LOVE the free stuff. And the winning of it.

So hurry up and head over to Mom Central's Father's Day Gift Guide... do your shopping for Daddy-O AND register so you can enter to win FREEEEEE GIIIIIIFTS.
Srsly.
You can thank me later in the form of chocolates and french kisses.

You can't say you weren't warned.

2009-06-11T14:09:00.003-05:00

Dear Any Family Member Who Reads This:

WARNING!
There is a product review of an adult-type nature coming soon.
Shield yourself.
STAY AWAY. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
Seriously. I mean it. Otherwise I won't be able to look you in the face.

Okay? We good?
Great.
Thanks.

Love and kisses,
Me.

Because my life IS a reality show.

2009-06-10T23:36:00.002-05:00

Working on the pilot episode of "Real Housewives of The Trailer Park".

She doesn't have to PLAY dumb.

2009-06-09T17:25:00.002-05:00

Dear Jessica Alba:

Three things.
1. Thanks for vandalizing Oklahoma City with PICTURES OF SHARKS. And the UNITED WAY billboard? Seriously?
2. OKLAHOMA IS LANDLOCKED. We have no oceans with sharks, so what was the fucking point?
3. Celebrities should be fined and jailed just like anyone else.

OH and PS: MORON.

Sincerely,
Someone who's never been a fan especially after the Fantastic Four because OHEMGEE you sucked and really, so did both movies.

Lost In Translation

2009-06-06T10:56:00.004-05:00

What I said: "I'm sure it was a really tough situation and you handled it the best way you could."

What I meant: "STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY AND GROW A PAIR! What are you, a GIRL?"

What I said: "I'm really sorry to hear that! It must be hard."

What I meant: "STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC with your every single thought! Also who CARES?"

What I said: "That never gets old!"

What I meant: "PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE YOU TELL THAT STORY AGAIN FOR THE FORTY-ELEVENTH TIME."

What I said: "Sure, that sounds like fun!"

What I meant: "DAMMIT, why couldn't I think of an excuse faster??"

What I said: "How interesting!"

What I meant: "I wish I had a gun with which to shoot myself in the leg, just to have something to do that would KEEP ME AWAKE."

What I said: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."

What I meant: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."

This has been a Public Service Announcement.
Now carry on with your lives, citizens.

Mamapedia. Like a wiki, only better.

2009-05-29T17:54:00.006-05:00

Now THIS is a cool site. I was VERY happy to get the opportunity from Mom Central to review Mamapedia.

This place is FANTASTIC.

I'm really not much of a "joiner" when it comes to online communities and such, but I really loved cruising around Mamapedia.com. Moms who've BEEN THERE can offer you advice, help, whatever. There is no limitation on what you can find: makeup tips, book clubs, church activities... find local groups of moms that want to knit or have disabled kids or support groups... single moms and DATING (OH HELL YEAH!)... mom's night out... weight loss & exercise... going back to work after years of SAHMdom... if you can think up a question, someone can help you find an answer.

After 14 years with a severely disabled kid, I wouldn't mind the chance to GIVE some advice, some help, some support, to other moms.

It's really easy to search, to surf, and takes 3 seconds to sign up.

Seriously, whether you're a new mom or an old mom like me (or even a grandmom), check out Mamapedia. It's NOT just another online community.

MomCentral Is The Reason I Can't Lose Weight.

2009-05-29T17:36:00.004-05:00

Seriously. The gorgeous and supahot ladies at Mom Central are DETERMINED to keep me from sticking to my Atkins-inspired diet because they purposely offer me a chance to try stuff like Skinny Cow Ice Cream.
I hope that didn't sound like complaining, because it wasn't.
ICE CREAM NOMNOM.

Actually the best part about Skinny Cow Ice Cream is the fact that it actually IS LOW FAT and LOW CAL!
So Weight Watchers, calorie counters, COME.ON.DOWN.

I tried the Chocolate and Vanilla Sandwiches (you CAN actually get the vanilla ones with no sugar added!) and they were pretty damn tasty. If I hadn't known they were low fat, I never would have guessed. The only problem I had was that the store didn't have the chocolate-peanut butter kind and I REALLY WANTED TO TRY THOSE.

I also got a box of Vanilla & Mint Dippers (P.S. ONLY 11 GRAMS OF CARBS), which were vanilla & mint ice cream bars dipped in chocolate.
The mint is very light, and the vanilla actually tasted more like vanilla pudding with an ice cream texture. VERY TASTY! The chocolate was richer than I expected it to be.

I AM VERY HAPPY and SO IS MAH BELLEH.
Except for that lactose intolerance thing.
But it was totally worth it. For really-o.

It's like my own little Ego Wall.

2009-04-29T21:46:00.007-05:00

Sort of like getting a gold star.
No wait, it IS getting a gold star.

Stuff I said that other people liked:

Favotter
and
Favrd

I check these sites every week because yes, I am exactly that needy.

I HAD to break my diet to do the REVIEW.

2009-04-29T21:20:00.004-05:00

SO LONG DR. ATKINS! I was forced to eat pasta.

Well maybe not exactly FORCED. I do love me some spaghetti and I have SO missed it the last couple of months.
NOW I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN and I blame Ragu and Mom Central.
Okay, so maybe I didn't HAVE to eat pasta. But I'm pretty sure it was in the fine print so shut up and let me rationalize.

I am totally famous for my homemade spaghetti sauce which is NOT* Ragu.

(*~~Likely~~ Possible untrue statement)

But when Mom Central invited me to try some new flavors of Ragu I was all, "OKAY FINE, I don't have TIME to make homemade ANYWAY."
Or something else that sounds plausible.

I got to try the Old World Style Sweet Tomato Basil and Old World Style Margherita flavors.
NOM.
NOM.
NOM.

Part of the Sweet Tomato Basil I cooked with some Italian sausage with green peppers & onions and it was SO FREAKING GOOD.
Also? EASY PEASY which is nice for lazy people like me. I was making the sausage & peppers anyway & just dumped some sauce in. SO yum.

The Margherita flavor has a sort of pizza-y taste & would be great for homemade pizza. If I was an adventurous cook (or really any sort of cook) I would've tried to make some little bagel pizzas or the ones you can do with biscuit dough.
But I found a recipe PERFECT for me, it only takes like five minutes and I didn't have to have any fancy ingredients.
Chicken, olive oil, sauce, and cheese.
Bake.
Done.
Enjoy.

Just one more reason to love Ragu; their recipes could have been put on the site JUST FOR ME. Five minute prep time. SCORE.

And OH YEAH, for those of you who are all about nutritional value blahblahblahblah, there is a FULL SERVING OF VEGGIES in every half-cup of sauce!
Don't tell the kids.

Social Media Diseases - SMTDs

2009-04-21T12:00:00.008-05:00

Because Social Media folk have made themselves such easy targets.
I just can't help myself.
They have only themselves to blame.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT PSA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT PSA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Clammydia - Transferred by contact.
Symptoms: sweaty palms due to too much glad-handing and patting oneself on the back.

Twitterrhea - Contracted when assuming that giant numbers of followers make one an "expert", "guru", "maven", or "specialist".
Symptoms: Increasing douchebaggery, self-importance; eventual career suicide and abject failure as the rest of us laugh derisively.

Tooles - Much like herpes, there is no cure and the treatment is only about 50% effective. Some people, unfortunately, are just born with the Tool-es gene.
Symptoms: People start avoiding you. Eventually you will attempt to avoid even yourself.

Simpilis - Occurs when one does nothing but simper, suck up, asskiss, and fawn.
Symptoms: Start writing nothing but overblown, flowery cliches, most of which have already been said - and better - by someone else. This disease is EXTREMELY infectious, causing others to repeat the phrases as if they actually had some sort of great meaning. DANGER WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO APPLY THEM TO REAL LIFE. You will go mad because they Just.Don't.Work.

PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, PROTECT YOURSELVES.
Some of these conditions may be life-threatening if they are allowed to remain untreated.
Or at least cause one to be universally disliked apart from one's own kind.