The Daily Bitch

Is there a rosary for that?

2009-07-04T19:00:00.001-05:00

Forgive me blogfather, for I have sinned...
it's been TWO MONTHS since I even opened Bloglines and longer still since I've left comments.

What sort of penance do I deserve?
Also, I'm not Catholic so be gentle.

Git-tar HERO

2009-07-03T23:02:00.000-05:00

If you know me at all, you know I love my music. I love it so much that I rock it out every Friday night on my very own fake radio show.

It was the worst twist of fate that as much as I love music, as much as I live it and need it and feel it and immerse myself in it... I have ZERO MUSICAL TALENT.
I cannot read music.
I cannot play any instrument.
I cannot sing. Well, I can, but the results are not good.

But thanks to Mom Central and Guitar Hero and Nintendo DS... I CAN BE A ROCK STAR.

OH I know, I was already a RAWK STAR, thankyouverymuch. But this game is freaking AWESOME! I have a HUGE (eff off Paris, you utter twit, I can say HUGE if I want to) fan base and there's a cool Fan Request mode. You can FACE OFF against the game to win more fans. There are guitar duels in which you have to blow into the microphone to "cool" the fire, fix broken strings, & more challenges.

This particular game is the "MODERN HITS"... well, again, if you know me at all you know that I love my 70s & 80s music, my classic rock, my oldies... but surprisingly some of my favorites from Finger Eleven, Fall Out Boy & Modest Mouse were on the set list.
It comes with a "pick" stylus and an insert with the fret buttons.

If I have one complaint it is that insert does NOT always stay in securely when you have your hand through the "convenient" adjustable velcro strap -- several times I was TOTALLY rocking out and the game went BLANK and then gave me an error message because apparently the fret thingy had slipped out a little bit.
That was a large pain in my large ass.
BUT I eventually figured out that if I did NOT use the strap, the keys were less likely to come out.
Because seriously, you have to rock your whole body. And dance. And sing if you know the words.

I LOVE THIS GAME.
I've already decided to get my daughter one of the other Guitar Hero Tours ~~so that *I* can play it~~ when Christmas rolls around this year.

I LOVE THIS GAME.
Did I say that already?

WTF is wrong with you people?

2009-06-25T11:01:00.003-05:00

Apparently someone thinks I'm funny.
*I* think you just enjoy laughing AT me.

What the hell, as long as you're here, you might as well go VOTE FOR ME.
Not that I'll win. Also, is there a prize? I don't want to win if there's no prize.

Sort of like the BoB (NO, I'm talking about Best of Blogs awards, not Battery Operated Boyfriend awards, which, by the way, would totally be won by me and my BOB which I recently received from Eden Fantasy, is all I'm saying)... ANYWAY I won a BoB award a couple years ago AND NEVER EVER EVER EVER GOT THE ADVERTISED PRIZE.
NEVER.
STILL.
TO THIS DAY.
EVEN AFTER I BROUGHT IT TO THEIR ATTENTION ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.

But I'm not bitter.

Dear Dad: THANKS for, you know, everything.

2009-06-16T14:57:00.005-05:00

Dear Ol' Dad's Day is JUST AROUND THE CORNER -- I don't know about you but I struggle EVERY year to find a Father's Day gift for My Two Dads (YES, I have TWO so I am DOUBLE LUCKY!)...both of whom already have everything.

Okay, maybe not EVERYTHING, but everything they WANT, you know? I have one dad who has practically non-existent needs because if he wants something, he just gets it. Come to think of it, a lot of guys I know are JUST LIKE THAT *coughJECKLEScough*.
My other dad just says "NOTHING. I NEED NOTHING" whenever one of us tries to probe for information.

SO FRUSTRATING.

So in retaliation I usually just call them with a "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY and I'M THE BEST GIFT YOU COULD EVER GET AND YOU'VE ALREADY GOT ONE OF THOSE!".

Shut up. I AM A GREAT GIFT TO HUMANITY.

Anyway. Mom Central has proved to be a HUGE help this year with the Father's Day Gift Guide!
BBQ Grill tools, tents, imported beer steins, Norelco razors, books, cameras -- you can find something there to fit your budget! They have gift suggestions from UNDER $25 ~~if you're a cheap bastard like me~~ to OVER $100.
THIS IS A MOST FANTASTIC IDEA.

Also? WIN FREE STUFF.
We all know how much I LOVE the free stuff. And the winning of it.

So hurry up and head over to Mom Central's Father's Day Gift Guide... do your shopping for Daddy-O AND register so you can enter to win FREEEEEE GIIIIIIFTS.
Srsly.
You can thank me later in the form of chocolates and french kisses.

You can't say you weren't warned.

2009-06-11T14:09:00.003-05:00

Dear Any Family Member Who Reads This:

WARNING!
There is a product review of an adult-type nature coming soon.
Shield yourself.
STAY AWAY. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
Seriously. I mean it. Otherwise I won't be able to look you in the face.

Okay? We good?
Great.
Thanks.

Love and kisses,
Me.

Because my life IS a reality show.

2009-06-10T23:36:00.002-05:00

Working on the pilot episode of "Real Housewives of The Trailer Park".

She doesn't have to PLAY dumb.

2009-06-09T17:25:00.002-05:00

Dear Jessica Alba:

Three things.
1. Thanks for vandalizing Oklahoma City with PICTURES OF SHARKS. And the UNITED WAY billboard? Seriously?
2. OKLAHOMA IS LANDLOCKED. We have no oceans with sharks, so what was the fucking point?
3. Celebrities should be fined and jailed just like anyone else.

OH and PS: MORON.

Sincerely,
Someone who's never been a fan especially after the Fantastic Four because OHEMGEE you sucked and really, so did both movies.

Lost In Translation

2009-06-06T10:56:00.004-05:00

What I said: "I'm sure it was a really tough situation and you handled it the best way you could."

What I meant: "STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY AND GROW A PAIR! What are you, a GIRL?"

What I said: "I'm really sorry to hear that! It must be hard."

What I meant: "STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC with your every single thought! Also who CARES?"

What I said: "That never gets old!"

What I meant: "PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE YOU TELL THAT STORY AGAIN FOR THE FORTY-ELEVENTH TIME."

What I said: "Sure, that sounds like fun!"

What I meant: "DAMMIT, why couldn't I think of an excuse faster??"

What I said: "How interesting!"

What I meant: "I wish I had a gun with which to shoot myself in the leg, just to have something to do that would KEEP ME AWAKE."

What I said: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."

What I meant: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."

This has been a Public Service Announcement.
Now carry on with your lives, citizens.

Mamapedia. Like a wiki, only better.

2009-05-29T17:54:00.006-05:00

Now THIS is a cool site. I was VERY happy to get the opportunity from Mom Central to review Mamapedia.

This place is FANTASTIC.

I'm really not much of a "joiner" when it comes to online communities and such, but I really loved cruising around Mamapedia.com. Moms who've BEEN THERE can offer you advice, help, whatever. There is no limitation on what you can find: makeup tips, book clubs, church activities... find local groups of moms that want to knit or have disabled kids or support groups... single moms and DATING (OH HELL YEAH!)... mom's night out... weight loss & exercise... going back to work after years of SAHMdom... if you can think up a question, someone can help you find an answer.

After 14 years with a severely disabled kid, I wouldn't mind the chance to GIVE some advice, some help, some support, to other moms.

It's really easy to search, to surf, and takes 3 seconds to sign up.

Seriously, whether you're a new mom or an old mom like me (or even a grandmom), check out Mamapedia. It's NOT just another online community.

MomCentral Is The Reason I Can't Lose Weight.

2009-05-29T17:36:00.004-05:00

Seriously. The gorgeous and supahot ladies at Mom Central are DETERMINED to keep me from sticking to my Atkins-inspired diet because they purposely offer me a chance to try stuff like Skinny Cow Ice Cream.
I hope that didn't sound like complaining, because it wasn't.
ICE CREAM NOMNOM.

Actually the best part about Skinny Cow Ice Cream is the fact that it actually IS LOW FAT and LOW CAL!
So Weight Watchers, calorie counters, COME.ON.DOWN.

I tried the Chocolate and Vanilla Sandwiches (you CAN actually get the vanilla ones with no sugar added!) and they were pretty damn tasty. If I hadn't known they were low fat, I never would have guessed. The only problem I had was that the store didn't have the chocolate-peanut butter kind and I REALLY WANTED TO TRY THOSE.

I also got a box of Vanilla & Mint Dippers (P.S. ONLY 11 GRAMS OF CARBS), which were vanilla & mint ice cream bars dipped in chocolate.
The mint is very light, and the vanilla actually tasted more like vanilla pudding with an ice cream texture. VERY TASTY! The chocolate was richer than I expected it to be.

I AM VERY HAPPY and SO IS MAH BELLEH.
Except for that lactose intolerance thing.
But it was totally worth it. For really-o.

It's like my own little Ego Wall.

2009-04-29T21:46:00.007-05:00

Sort of like getting a gold star.
No wait, it IS getting a gold star.

Stuff I said that other people liked:

Favotter
and
Favrd

I check these sites every week because yes, I am exactly that needy.

I HAD to break my diet to do the REVIEW.

2009-04-29T21:20:00.004-05:00

SO LONG DR. ATKINS! I was forced to eat pasta.

Well maybe not exactly FORCED. I do love me some spaghetti and I have SO missed it the last couple of months.
NOW I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN and I blame Ragu and Mom Central.
Okay, so maybe I didn't HAVE to eat pasta. But I'm pretty sure it was in the fine print so shut up and let me rationalize.

I am totally famous for my homemade spaghetti sauce which is NOT* Ragu.

(*~~Likely~~ Possible untrue statement)

But when Mom Central invited me to try some new flavors of Ragu I was all, "OKAY FINE, I don't have TIME to make homemade ANYWAY."
Or something else that sounds plausible.

I got to try the Old World Style Sweet Tomato Basil and Old World Style Margherita flavors.
NOM.
NOM.
NOM.

Part of the Sweet Tomato Basil I cooked with some Italian sausage with green peppers & onions and it was SO FREAKING GOOD.
Also? EASY PEASY which is nice for lazy people like me. I was making the sausage & peppers anyway & just dumped some sauce in. SO yum.

The Margherita flavor has a sort of pizza-y taste & would be great for homemade pizza. If I was an adventurous cook (or really any sort of cook) I would've tried to make some little bagel pizzas or the ones you can do with biscuit dough.
But I found a recipe PERFECT for me, it only takes like five minutes and I didn't have to have any fancy ingredients.
Chicken, olive oil, sauce, and cheese.
Bake.
Done.
Enjoy.

Just one more reason to love Ragu; their recipes could have been put on the site JUST FOR ME. Five minute prep time. SCORE.

And OH YEAH, for those of you who are all about nutritional value blahblahblahblah, there is a FULL SERVING OF VEGGIES in every half-cup of sauce!
Don't tell the kids.

Social Media Diseases - SMTDs

2009-04-21T12:00:00.008-05:00

Because Social Media folk have made themselves such easy targets.
I just can't help myself.
They have only themselves to blame.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT PSA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT PSA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Clammydia - Transferred by contact.
Symptoms: sweaty palms due to too much glad-handing and patting oneself on the back.

Twitterrhea - Contracted when assuming that giant numbers of followers make one an "expert", "guru", "maven", or "specialist".
Symptoms: Increasing douchebaggery, self-importance; eventual career suicide and abject failure as the rest of us laugh derisively.

Tooles - Much like herpes, there is no cure and the treatment is only about 50% effective. Some people, unfortunately, are just born with the Tool-es gene.
Symptoms: People start avoiding you. Eventually you will attempt to avoid even yourself.

Simpilis - Occurs when one does nothing but simper, suck up, asskiss, and fawn.
Symptoms: Start writing nothing but overblown, flowery cliches, most of which have already been said - and better - by someone else. This disease is EXTREMELY infectious, causing others to repeat the phrases as if they actually had some sort of great meaning. DANGER WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO APPLY THEM TO REAL LIFE. You will go mad because they Just.Don't.Work.

PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, PROTECT YOURSELVES.
Some of these conditions may be life-threatening if they are allowed to remain untreated.
Or at least cause one to be universally disliked apart from one's own kind.

Got mold?

2009-04-20T21:49:00.003-05:00

Okay, so my house is REALLY REALLY OLD.
Old houses mean leaky seals and drafts and extra work, which sucks because I'm really lazy. So of COURSE I was happy when Mom Central let me try some X-14 Mold & Mildew Stain Remover...because seriously? My bathroom? Ugh.

I like a clean bathroom. Much as I hate to clean, I hate the thought of setting foot in a dirty bathtub even more.
I am not going to admit to having any mold or mildew stains.
Okay.
The shower curtain around the bottom? EW. Truthfully I buy cheap shower curtains because I just throw them away when they start to get mildewy. I have friends who WASH them. NO FREAKIN' WAY.

So I tried the X-14 on the shower curtain and it was LIKE MAGIC!! I didn't have to throw it away! So I sprayed a little in the corner of the tub, where my daughter always puts her wet washcloths, and within a few minutes I actually saw the stains start to fade!

There IS a fairly strong bleach odor (which I sort of like, because the smell of bleach = clean to my brain), so if you're odor-sensitive you probably want to wear a mask or make sure all the windows are open.
But the X-14 does the trick.

Now if they would just make a little robot person to do the rest of the scrubbing...

ZIP IT.

2009-04-15T07:38:00.002-05:00

Next time you get annoyed with your spouse because they didn't make coffee or they picked up the wrong brand of tampons or chicken soup or forgot the milk or burnt your toast.... TAKE A MINUTE TO THINK that if you were a single parent, you'd have had to do all that shit yourself PLUS your regular jobs and parenting stuff.

And then SHUT YOUR HOLE.
Okay?

SHROOMHEAD

2009-04-10T17:34:00.003-05:00

Every time I see Robert Pattinson give an interview, I want to do two things:

1. Hand him a bottle of shampoo and a hairbrush
2. Say to him, "I don't care what your girlfriend or stylist says, that hairstyle is NOT hip, sexy, or even edgy; it makes you look like your head is a giant fat squashy mushroom. YOU ARE NOT JOHNNY DEPP or even one of the dudes from Flock Of Seagulls."

DUDE BRUSH YOUR HAIR. GROSS.

Because who WOULDN'T want to make life a little easier?

2009-04-10T15:37:00.004-05:00

EASTER IS HERE! SPRING IS HERE!
How about some free ham or turkey? AND recipes? AND beauty tips?
You can get 'em all from the same place, Making Life Better.

Need a life coach? Need some fresh ideas for dinner? Fix your frizzies, learn to go green, have healthier skin!

Even though I'm not much of a cook, there were recipes simple (and inexpensive) enough even for me. I KNOW.
And no, you cannot come over for dinner because I don't like company. Or people. But trust me when I say the antipasto salad wraps were GOOOD.

HEY, did you clip the Holiday Ham or Turkey rebate form from your April 5 paper? Check it out. Get free ham or turkey. WOO!

Thanks Mom Central for introducing me to Making Life Better, because SHORTCUTS and EASIER are my keywords in life.

OH, and don't forget it is GOOD FRIDAY today -- which means a special theme on tonight's Friday Night Live!!

TUNE IN LIVE at 9pm Central/10 Eastern!

Thanks Easter Bunny! BOC BOC!

2009-04-03T15:12:00.002-05:00

What I want to know are these two things:

1. What is the LONGEST period of time an Easter egg has gone unfound in your house?
and
B. Have you ever tried to make a S'more out of a chocolate bunny, a Peep, and a graham cracker?
Because I was thinking of trying that and pretending they were real animals.
I mean... what?

Observations.

2009-04-01T09:37:00.006-05:00

One of the things I like most about Twitter is that it teaches you how to convey a lot of info in a very small space.

Mommybloggers lost every ounce of humor (and respect) that they once possessed in their repeated bids ~~and subsequent failures~~ to take over the internets.

I often think that the current Social Media fad will go the way of Work At Home Insurance Billing.

I am continually amazed when people come at me with their guns a-blazin' and then they're all SURPRISED when I don't take their shit.
HELLO, have you MET me? (internetally speaking, of course)
Obviously they've been getting away with their assholery for FAR too long and you other people need to stop avoiding confrontation and offer some smackdown. Seriously.
I can't do everything myself.

I've decided to update my Personals profile to be completely accurate and honest.

"Single mother of 14 year old twins. Supersized, blue eyes, nice smile only slightly marred by the scar on my lip.
Former (weak-willed) smoker, rare drinker, hate sloppy drunks and cheaters.
Hobbies include staying home and watching "reality" tv shows and emailing with my internet friends all evening, every evening.

I will most likely ignore you if I am working, emailing, reading, or watching TV, so please do not talk to me.
Do not ever, ever touch the remote unless I am not in residence at the time. Do not ask if I will change the TV.

Do not grope me if I am involved in one of the aforementioned activities or you will likely get headstabbed.

I like Monty Python, Steve Martin, and musicals.

I am lazy and do not clean or cook, that's why I have kids and why McDonalds & pizza were invented.
Did I mention that I am really lazy? Some people find this charming and quirky. At first.
I yell a lot when people get on my nerves, use foul language, and sometimes throw things at the wall. It would be your responsibility to get out of the way.

Also I have a brilliant personality, but don't hold your breath that you'll ever see it. It's reserved for special occasions only.

If interested, call me!"

I KNOW, I can't believe I'm still single EITHER!!

I AM GOING TO BLOGHER CHICAGO this summer!
If you're one of the (few) people I like and if you're going too, please email me so I can spend some time with you!

That is all.
Have a day.

Get your funny

2009-03-31T16:20:00.001-05:00

Go here: MikeDoe.Net
Join the Doe-Nuts.
Click around a LOT.
Funny, funny shit.

FEEL THE BURN, BABY!

2009-03-23T16:09:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I was a leeetle leery when I volunteered my guinea pig services to Mom Central for this blog tour, because Listerine always scared me.

My grandma & grandpa ALWAYS used Listerine and when I spent the night at their house *I* had to use it too.
It was like drinking scalding bacon grease only much less tasty. (Sorry guys, but srsly, 30 years ago you KNOW that's how it was)

ANYWAY. I decided to push my luck & said OKAY, send me the Listerine Total Care to try. I figured at the very least I could use it to punish my daughter for sassing.

HEY, guess what? Still burns...but not as bad as I thought it would. In FACT I compared it to another brand of whitening-type rinse who shall remain nameless ~~but rhymes with Krest~~ and I have to say that the Listerine Total Care was more tolerable. AND does not leave a gooey film in my mouth, which is YUCK, so BIG BONUS POINTS for that.

PLUS!
Helps prevent cavities
Restores enamel
Strengthens teeth (which is cool because I use my teeth for things I shouldn't)(not THAT, perv)
Kills bad breath germs
FRESH BREATH FTW!
And fights plaque.

There you go. I like all that stuff because I never had any problems with my teeth until I got pregnant and my children LEECHED(leached?) the LIFE RIGHT OUT OF ME including my teeth.

Go getcha some Listerine Total Care.
No seriously.
You need some mouthwash.
Or at least a tictac.

Twilight, Book 5.

2009-03-23T07:52:00.002-05:00

Buffy goes on a road trip, stakes all the Cullens and shoots all the Quileute werewolves.

THE END.

A TOP 10 LIST about SXSW

2009-03-22T09:55:00.002-05:00

My friend Lisa wrote a list about South By SouthWest (SxSW) and it made me laugh so hard I wanted to share it.

Also from checking out flickr, the "tech" part of SxSW consisted mostly of drinking and karaoke. Is all I'm saying.

"Top Ten Reasons I Didn’t Go to SXSW" by PPRLisa

10. They filled their “maven” quota before I could register

9. Heard @ChrisBrogan would be performing a belly dance and no one should have to see that

8. The #iRoadTrip guys found me stowing away in the back of the car before they left Detroit

7. I only go to shows with three X’s in them

6. Wouldn’t want to miss all of the unnecessary hashtagging on Twitter by actually participating in the event

5. Was intimidated knowing that I could never out-dress @ScottMonty

4. @marketingprofs and I planned a WAY cooler, secret, invite only virtual social media conference

3. Not everyone in social media’s mom lets them leave the basement for a whole week

2. I heard all the REALLY cool kids were going to the Star Trek convention

and

1. I enjoy sleep

My First Aid Kit

2009-03-20T09:03:00.000-05:00

I LOVE when Mom Central lets me try new products from companies with whom I'm already familiar... and I LOVE me some Neosporin!

They have a cool new SPRAY ON antiseptic/pain reliever... I told my daughter to go run around outside until she fell down and scraped something so we could try it out.

KIDDING.

Mostly.

She's clumsy like her dad with his big ol' clown feet that she inherited.
HEY I'm just saying.

Luckily *I* managed to walk into the doorframe ~~as usual~~ and scratched my arm.

The pain-relief part of the Neosporin REALLY WORKS.
I've been using the neosporin ointment for years...FINALLY I tried the cream also and I am just as happy with that - moreso, when I need somewhere that might get on my clothes.

ANYWAY.
The cool little "ToGo" spray on Neosporin is VERY EXCELLENT. Prevent infection AND ease the pain all at the same time. No way to go wrong there.

If you don't use Neosporin, you should...especially if you're clumsy. Or maybe...not so coordinated in the kitchen. This stuff eases the burn sting as well when you get get spattered with hot bacon grease.
Or so I hear.

In which I explain why Twitter is becoming full of suck.

2009-03-19T12:49:00.006-05:00

Poor, poor Twitter.

Say, remember when Twitter had fewer users and people weren't posting nothing but links to this and that and the other thing? And hardly ANYONE re-tweeted or used hashtags?

Aaaaaah, the good old days.

Now it's all about Social Media and the Experts and Gurus and Mavens.

What's funny is that all the social media people spend their time sucking up to the other cliquey social media people...
...which is weird to me because one would THINK that, as a social media EXPERT/MAVEN/GURU, the focus would be on drawing in the regular folk. Aren't the non-SM people the ones to whom you need to sell, to relate?

Based on some informal polling of "Regular People ie NON SOCIAL MEDIA PEOPLE", I have discovered some facts:

Nobody likes nothing but retweets.
Nobody likes nothing but LINKS, especially the self-promotion.
The hashtags! OH DEAR LORD, THE HASHTAGS.

Also? THE NUMBERS ARE MEANINGLESS.
I read some "suggestions" from "power tweeters" and laughed my ASS off. According to them, the way to grow your audience/base is to follow everyone and tweet links and do a bunch of retweets that YOU, as an SM person, feel are relevant.

So you get 2 or 3 thousand (or 10 thousand) followers and suddenly you're a "power twitter user".

First of all, that's the most ridiculous term I ever heard.
Secondly... HOW many of those 2/3/10/50 thousand people ever actually read what you have to say? Percentage-wise.
Go check out some of your 2K (or 10K+) followers and see how many people they're following besides you.
How many of your "relevant" links and retweets are actually getting NOTICED by all those thousands of followers?

Exactly.

So unless they spend 24 out of every 24 hours on twitter, the chances that they will A. See most of the stuff you post
or
2. Visit everyone's profile pages to see what's been written
are exactly SLIM and NONE.

I follow just over 500 people and I miss TONS of stuff. If I'm being honest (damn I sounded just like Simon Cowell right then), there are a handful of people whom I summize daily. The rest? I catch when I can.

I'm not saying social media doesn't have a place; nor am I saying that it can't be lucrative.
What I'm saying is that the only people who find social media interesting are OTHER people in social media.
The rest of the world could give a flying hot shit.

Every "SM" person I've run across thinks they have all the answers.
If that were true... I wouldn't be writing this post right now because you have ANNOYED THE EVERLOVIN' CRAP RIGHT OUT OF ME with your retweets and self-promotion and OH I AM A GURU/MAVEN AND I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS AND HOW TO MAKE IT WORK.

If it were that easy, we'd all be doing it and making a fortune.
Just like Amway. Right?