The Daily Depression

It's Only a Pyramid

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 22:31:00 +0000

Foul and dry. Dust and dread. It's only a pyramid.
It's only life as god or subject.
Wind and poison. For the truth...for the king.
I am no king, I have no truth,
and I am not a builder.

I am not a man living in a time.
What I am is not.

Let the rain come, let the slag run off the roofs,
into the streets - onto the everydays, the usuals.

For each dream whisping up into the hot night,
another midnight thought, awake, descends.

Caution - Zombies!

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 00:47:00 +0000

If this isn't the coolest prank ever...

I Met Someone

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 04:11:00 +0000

Yep, it's true. This old hermit has stumbled upon an amazing, talented, and beautiful woman who actually likes him! I know! Seriously, I am not lying. I keep having to convince myself this is really happening...kinda like a vivid dream where when you wake up you cower in bed under the covers, mortified, thinking that the horrible things you did in that dream in fact did happen.

My arm is bruised from pinching myself so often. I am still drinking it all in and I am trying my best not to suspect this is all an enormous cosmic joke for being this lucky to have met her.

14 Hands Cabernet - WOW

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 03:28:00 +0000

I was at Dolce Vita in Little Italy in Cleveland, OH the other day. First of all, the atmosphere and the service there were first rate. I'd go back there in a heartbeat. I had the 4-cheese ravioli in a special alfredo sauce...mmmm.

Anyway, on to the wine (the point of this post.) I ordered a glass of '06 Sonoma County Cabernet Sauvignon made by Clos du Bois. It's from the Jerry Garcia collection. So, I had my heart set on this, and I was disappointed thusly when our server told us there was none to be found. However, they had a replacement called 14 Hands Cabernet. I shrugged, crinkled up my eyebrows and said 'sure, let's have a glass of that.' Very literary response, indeed.

She brings out the nice crystal glass filled with the 14 Hands and I say thank you, etc., etc. It smelled amazing, and the first thing I thought of when I took a sip after allowing the aromas to fully penetrate my brain, 'this wine is awesome!' Surely you can tell I am no wine critic or possessor of an enlightened nose, but I know awesome wine. Also, it was served at what for me is the perfect temperature. I have been drinking a good variety of reds lately, and this one truly stood out the instant the first sip swirled around in my mouth.

Go and buy this wine! It went nicely with the heavy cheese and alfredo ravioli I ate, and I would drink this wine with just about anything honestly; it was just that good.

Reports Omit Details About the Recent Israeli Bombing of Gaza

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 17:45:00 +0000

Hamas fired many rockets and mortars into Israel over the last couple of weeks. Israel then sent warplanes into Gaza and bombed over 30 separate targets and killed 192 people (as of today's reports) and wounded almost 300. Hamas is threatening revenge and Israel is threatening more attacks.

Both of the articles below lay out these facts in a similar fashion, yet they do not include a critical detail...that Israel, up until the 26th, had completely blockaded Gaza for the past 10 days. Completely. Almost 1/2 of Palestinians in the Gaza strip rely on foreign aid to survive (food, fuel, & humanitarian aid.) This quote from an earlier Reuters article brings to the front one of core reasons for rocket fire and Hamas violence overall:

Gaza, a largely impoverished coastal enclave, has been under a heightened Israeli blockade since Hamas seized control of the territory from Western-backed Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas's Fatah movement in 2007.

Articles about the Israeli bombing runs inside Gaza - Reuters and AP respectively

http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSLR1342320081227?feedType=RSS&feedName=topNews&sp=true

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081227/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_israel_palestinians

Part 1 - The Great New England Road Trip

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 00:40:00 +0000

Just a quick post now because I need to take some time to sort through and process all the digital pics and videos I took on the road. Overall, the trip was amazing and I feel refreshed physically and mentally. Even though I planned this trip almost 2 months ago, it turns out that it couldn't have come at a better time...and not even a single day too soon.

Short List of the Good:
Bowery Poetry Club - Greenwich village, New York
The Cuban Revolution - Providence, Rhode Island
Petey's Summertime Seafood & Bar - Rye, New Hampshire

Short List of the Not-so-Good:
The Philly traffic - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
High Gas Prices - Everywhere

Well those are short lists as promised. Cheers until next time.

It Just Gets Worse...

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 01:02:00 +0000

OR - How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace the Emptiness

So - had a decent weekend, wasn't feeling like killing myself every hour upon the hour. I called my psych last week because I was feeling REALLY bad and was having trouble doing anything at work besides thinking about ways to die. I called and called and called, and I finally got a hold of someone, and my doc got a hold of me, and I got set up with this group therapy thing that was supposed to start today.

Well I am not a fan of groups, but I need to do something, and I am not sure I am ready to jump back into the hospital for a week, especially since I am leaving for my road trip on Friday. Anyway, I leave work, cruise down to the health and wellness center about 40 minutes away, and park. This building is huge, and there are so many hallways, with so many numbers on so many doors, and very few signs identifying one from the other. After wandering about 5 minutes I found the behavioral health office.

I go in, do all the standard paperwork, etc., and I sit down in this comfy chair to wait. This is my first night so I need to get some talky-time with the main person there, and then I figure the group counseling will start; though I don't know for sure. As I was sitting there, I started counting all the ways that I could kill myself in that waiting room before they came out to get me:

Definitely Would Work

Break the coffee pot and use the glass to cut my wrists/throat, etc.

Might Work

Take out a light bulb from a hanging fixture, lick my thumb, and stick it up into the socket
Turn over the water cooler container and empty it into the trashcan, then stick my head in
Yank the cord out of the lamp, tie it up, and hang myself on my knees with the cord attached to a door handle

I figure 4 ways isn't that bad for a waiting room in a behavioral health clinic. I don't even get in there though because after completing my paperwork and waiting for a while, I start to get cold feet. Another patient went in before me so I knew I would have to wait. I set a time and thought, if she doesn't come out and get me by X:XX then I will walk out. So that's what I did...I even gave her a couple of extra minutes when I was feeling unsure about my decision. It's not her fault really. So I went and grabbed some dinner at Boston Market - Barbecue chicken sandwich and a side of mac & cheese...great comfort food.

Basically what I am getting at is that I am still in fucking despair. I want to be excited about my trip, and my life, and all the good things in it...but it's just so exhausting. I don't know if I'll ever get through this cycle but for now I will keep trying. It's getting old though.

Medicine updates - more Lamictal and Prozac

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 16:38:00 +0000

So I had a productive appt. with my Psychiatrist on Friday the 12th. We bumped my Lamictal dose from 300mg/day to 375mg/day, and we bumped the Prozac dose from 60mg/day to 80mg/day. There was a student with her in the session who was shadowing her and getting experience with real patients. She asked me if that was cool and I said yes, but I would be lying if I said that I felt 100% comfortable with it - I caught myself pausing before saying things because a few things I was embarassed to say around someone new.

I am having a rough month and I am in the middle of a strong period of pure depression. Normally I go through a prolonged heavy depression starting in October, give or take a week...so lucky me, I am starting early this year. Since I am single now it's a bit harder to keep things in perspective without my girlfriend to be that soothing, reassuring, and realistic voice.

I have a 10-day road trip planned in October and I am really hoping that I don't feel so bad that I don't want to go anymore. I have 6 nights at different places booked already, so I'd be throwing away some serious cash if I don't go. Two years ago I tried a similar, but less-planned, road trip and I only got 300 miles away and after one night I turned back. Although, I usually find that road trips are a good way to just clear out the mind and leave all the regular stresses and routines behind for a while. I am looking forward to it both for that reason, and because it's 10-straight days off.

I have also been having a lot of headaches lately and though I am getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night, I am still very very tired in the morning and it's difficult to get out of bed. On the weekends I usually sleep about 75% of the entire time. Oh well.

The couple who lived in a mall and Dawn of the Dead

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 17:28:00 +0000

The couple who lived in a mall | Salon Life

After Michael Townsend and Adriana Yoto found their skyline blighted by a colossal mall, they protested it in an unusual way -- they moved in.

By Lisa Selin Davis

"In 2003, inside a 750-foot storage space, abandoned since construction days, they crafted a secret apartment within the mall from which they could study its allure. Why do so many of us flock to the mall's sanitized hallways? Why do we love the sameness of mall life, identical shops and structures across the country?"

Ok - so I was talking to my friend, Jason, at work on Friday. Out of the blue I had the urge to watch Dawn of the Dead (1978). It's the sequel to Night of the Living Dead by George Romero. In 'Dawn' a group of survivors hole up in a massive mall. They live there, creating a decently comfortable life considering all of the flesh-hungry zombies just outside the glass doors. Of course this was no 21st Century mall...this place had several decadent restaurants, a sporting goods store with a small arsenal of weapons, etc. This was a throw-back to malls as they were originally envisioned; a place to connect with the rest of humanity and buy anything and everything you might need.

Naturally their lives don't remain so comfortable and carefree as outside forces are determined to enter the mall at all costs. This isn't meant to be a review of Dawn of the Dead, but it is interesting that one day after having a strong urge to watch a movie where people move into a mall and live there, that I would see the Salon article about two people living in a mall for 4 years!

The mall that they filmed 'Dawn' in was in Monroeville, PA which is just outside Pittsburgh. I live about 2.5 hours away, in Ohio, so I may have to check that place out. Anyway, there was a strong 'living in malls' vibe about me recently...just thought I'd share.

Solitude Sometimes Is

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 01:34:00 +0000

Solitude Sometimes Is
Life that no longer exists
Solitude Sometimes Is
When there's nothing left to give
Solitude Sometimes Is - Manic Street Preachers

There I go again thinking that I am actually attractive in anyway whatsoever. Even in a small, innocent way - NO! Not even then. Not ever. Mistaking friendship for something more is a special skill I seem to have acquired over the years and it hurts like a sonofabitch when it is properly employed.

It had been awhile since I have felt that - but the pain is so resonant, so familiar, so expected.

5 Years Later: Pundits Who Were Wrong on Iraq Are Silent

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 15:50:00 +0000

5 Years Later: Pundits Who Were Wrong on Iraq Are Silent

This is a great article on the punditry, particularly David Brooks, that clamored for war and disparaged those who advocated for diplomacy, and how they are now silent. For the most part they do not revisit their war-mongering and distaste for those who prefer dialogue over laser-guided bombs. Iraq is a mess, our soldiers, sailors, and marines are dying and being disabled every day, and many informed opinions exclaim their exasperation at what now looks to become a decades-long occupation.

Generals and Admirals have spoken out; and many of those same patriots have lost their jobs because of it. It's American to have opinions and voice them strongly without fear of redress. Yet those who stir up public anger, xenophobia, and mistrust in an effort to launch a war should not be allowed to forget their mistakes. They should own up to their misguided hubris, admit they were wrong and that their opinions may have helped grease the wheels of the Bush war machine. Hawkish Republicans have bunkered themselves in against the backlash for the war in Iraq. Hawkish pundits have mostly done the same...yet hiding and pretending does not change history or the words that were spoken to shape it.

Contrary to Many an Opinion, the United States Will Not Implode if a Democrat is Elected in 2008

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 03:06:00 +0000

The following is a response I penned regarding the included email about the Gore vs. Bush 2000 election and the dangers of voting Democrat this year. The original email sent to me has been circulating since 2000 in one form or another. The exact text of the email is intact and has a colored, graphic background for clarity.

Not to stir up a hornet's nest, but I felt that I had to respond. Here's a link to an analysis of not only the quotes, but the numbers behind the points presented. I'll include some of the highlights here, but please check out the link for the full explanation. The pieces from the Snopes story are directly below the points in the original email and they are bolded in blue. Also I have included additional research and opinions as an extension to the overall topic of this email. Thanks!

The Snopes article - http://www.snopes.com/politics/quotes/tyler.asp

LeftoverJoe

Protected Subject: Fwd: Subject: How long does the USA have?

How Long Does The USA Have?

Just a Reminder.

BE VERY CAREFUL WHO YOU VOTE FOR IN 2008

HOW LONG DOES THE USA HAVE?

This is the most interesting thing I've read in a long time.

The sad thing about it, you can see it coming.
I have always heard about this democracy countdown. It is
interesting to see it in print. God help us, not that we deserve it.

How Long Do We Have?

About the time o ur original thirteen states adopted their new
constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh , had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years earlier:

'A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government.'
''A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury.'' From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result t hat every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship.'' 'Th e average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years'' ''During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2.From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy,
7. From apathy to dependence;

8. From dependence back into bondage'

Professor Joseph Olson of Hemline University School of Law,

...Olson said the "research" was attributed to him erroneously. He said it came from a Sheriff Jay Printz in Montana. I e-mailed Sheriff Printz, and guess what? He didn't do the research either, and didn't remember who had e-mailed it to him.

In other words, he got the same legend e-mailed to him and passed it on to Olson without checking it out, and when Olson passed it on, someone thought it sounded better if a law professor had done the research, and so it grew.

Who knows where it originally came from, but it's just not true.

St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:

Number of States won by:
Gore: 19
Bush: 29

Square miles of land won by
Gore: 580,000
Bush: 2,427,000

Population of counties won by:
Gore: 127 million
Bush: 143 million

Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by:
Gore: 13.2
Bush: 2.1

According to the U.S. Department of Justice (DoJ), in the year 2000 the national murder rate was about 5.5 per 100,000 residents. Homicide data by county for 1999 and 2000 can be downloaded from the National Archive of Criminal Justice Data (NAJCD), and the counties won by Gore and Bush can be identified using the county-by-county election results made available by CNN. (The NACJD provides not only the number of reported murders for each county, but also the population for each.) The average murder rate in the counties won by Gore vs. the rate in the counties won by Bush can be determined from this data.

By calculating the murder rate for each county and then taking the averages, we find a murder rate (defined as number of murders per 100,000 residents) of about 5.2 for the "average" Gore county and 3.3 for the average Bush county. But since people, rather than counties, commit murders, a more appropriate approach is to calculate the total number of murders in the counties won by each candidate and divide that figure by the total number of residents in those counties. This more appropriate method yields the following average murder rates in counties won by each candidate:

# Gore: 6.5

# Bush: 4.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of this great country.

Gore's territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare...

A map of the counties that Bush and Gore won in 2000:

My own personal insight and research: Most of the counties Gore won are from more populous areas than Bush won. Of the top ten cities in terms of population in the country, seven of them were won by Gore...the only three he didn't win were cities in Texas. Bush largely won the rural areas and poorer states. A study was prepared for the Us Health and Human Services Bureau (http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/social-welfare-spending04/summary.htm).

It concluded that "States of less fiscal capacity spent less per capita on social welfare than states with higher per capita incomes. These differences between rich and poor states resulted largely from differences in states’ spending from their own sources of revenue. The distribution of federal funds neither greatly diminished nor greatly increased state differences in spending.

"That is, more federal money went to rich states than to poor states, but poor states relied more heavily on the federal government to support their social programs."

...also...

"Case studies of six states of low fiscal capacity and high social needs indicated that the basic trends in spending found among poor states before 2000 continued after that year. When we examined what happened in the six poor states after 2000 — and through 2003, when the case studies were completed — we found that the trends identified between 1977 and 2000 generally continued. Per capita Medicaid spending increased in most states between federal FYs 2000 and 2003, and the growth was greater among the six poor states in our sample than for all states."

So, despite the poorer, rural voters supporting Bush, and this email claiming that the people that supported Gore were largely welfare leaches and government subsidized to the hilt, more of Bush's supporters relied more heavily on government welfare money.

Olson believes the United State s is now somewhere between the 'complacency and apathy' phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the 'governmental dependency' phase. If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegal and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

Apathy is dangerous no matter who's side in you're on or what you believe. But to the point that is mis-attributed to Olsen in the above paragraph; the middle class is shrinking rapidly, the boomers are retiring making for many more medicare and social security obligations, and the disparity between the wealthiest and the poorest is growing quickly. Here's one example:

Paul Street in his article on the disproportion of wealth in the US (https://www.zcommunications.org/znet/viewArticle/2077), writes..."Corporate profit margins are higher than they have been in more than half a century, according to Merril Lynch economist David Rosenburg. After tax profits are now equal to 8.5 percent of the GDP - that's more than a trillion dollars - and the highest percent since the end of World War II in 1945. A June 2006 report by the leading investment bank Goldman Sachs aptly summed it up: 'The most important contribution to the higher profit margins over the past five years has been a decline in Labor's share of national income.'"

William Domhoff writes (http://sociology.ucsc.edu/whorulesamerica/power/wealth.html) "The ratio of CEO pay to factory worker pay rose from 42:1 in 1960 to...411:1 in 2005."

According to another section of the Domhoff article...

Figure 7: CEOs' average pay, production workers' average pay, the S&P 500 Index, corporate profits, and the federal minimum wage, 1990-2005 (all figures adjusted for inflation)

Source: Executive Excess 2006, the 13th Annual CEO Compensation Survey from the Institute for Policy Studies and United for a Fair Economy.

With corporate profits and CEO pay surging, the wealthiest top 2% owning over 50% of the countries wealth, and stagnant working wages despite rising food, fuel, and other costs, it's no wonder that people are growing weary of the system and not participating...they're busy just slogging through life. When our "representatives" are spending hundreds of millions of dollars on election campaigns it's no surprise that the above-claimed 40% are apathetic because there's no evidence that they can make a difference anymore.

Domhoff also notes that in 1998 the share of wealth held by the top 1% of the population was almost 40%, and it's only grown since then. Also, the top 1% receive 20% of the country's income as of 2000.

Also from Domhoff's report..."A key factor behind the high concentration of income, and the likely reason that the concentration has been increasing, can be seen by examining the distribution of what is called "capital income": income from capital gains, dividends, interest, and rents. In 2003, just 1% of all households -- those with after-tax incomes averaging $701,500 -- received 57.5% of all capital income, up from 40% in the early 1990s. On the other hand, the bottom 80% received only 12.6% of capital income, down by nearly half since 1983, when the bottom 80% received 23.5%. Figure 5 and Table 7 provide the details."

So, please consider all of these facts, opinions, and observations. If a Democrat becomes the next President, we're not going to suddenly begin a five-year countdown to the oblivion of the American way of life...it's already happening for a large percentage of the country right now. I'd love to hear your thoughts, questions, concerns about the original email and my responses. Thanks!

Joe

If you are in favor of this then delete this message if you are not then Pass this along to help everyone, realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

Thanks for reading.

For People I Love

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 02:26:00 +0000

I can't make it work. This whole thing is an illusion and it's so hard to keep others out of this...wouldn't want them in even if it was easier. I have hurt people, and I have said stupid things. How many fucking times will I just shut down and shut you all out? I am sorry.

I still love you. That hasn't changed. I am feeling in trouble and the ever-tightening spiral of black, spiky sorrow rips into the soft, spongy gray of my brain. I watch things at work go by like pieces of time through cloudy glass, voices like a skipping record of children laughing...over and over.

The man poised on the tower swivels, slips, and regrets nothing...save the exact manner of his head splashing on the limestone below. He'd have rather landed feet first, in a comical expression of compression, though without the cartoon bounce in the opposite direction.

We fall so fast. We let subtlety clutter our spaces and corrupt our tongues. To be free from it; free from everything; that is heaven.

Insomnia is a Piece of Crap

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 17:41:00 +0000

First the quote - this may explain things...

Sometimes we don't come through,
Sometimes we just get by.
- The Go-Betweens

So much for sleeping. It's like a lost art that I have taken for granted for years, and so now I have forgotten how to do it. It seems simple, but it is anything but. I recently have been experimenting w/ alcohol plus Seroquel to get more than a couple of hours of fitful rest in one night...and even that has failed to produce a full night of sleep. I am reticent to push the dosages of either the alcohol or the Seroquel too much, but it may come to that.

I feel a bit like Edward Norton in Fight Club; pretty soon I'll be beating the shit out of myself in an empty parking lot at two in the morning. Enough on this subject, I think. It is what it is.

fin

Looking Forward to 2008

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 00:19:00 +0000

It's been a long while since I've posted and now that I have graduated I will have much more time on my hands. I have already started to paint again...just finished one up this evening in fact. I have even been doing a bit of sculpting too. I got myself an acoustic guitar for a graduation present, and I am back at lessons. It's fun being able to be creative with my time instead of reading hundreds of pages of dry material every week and having a new paper to write every week or two.

My treatment for manic depression / bi-polar, has been going very well. One thing that sucks is that I have been having some wicked insomnia for almost a year now. I've been trying some different things, and nothing has been the silver bullet yet. I have some prescription meds but they pretty much knock me out and it's hard to wake up at 6:00 in the morning then. I just got some 5-HTP natural supplements. It's supposed to have all kinds of magical stuff in there...we'll see.

I better get back to sketching out some new ideas before I lose them. Cheers.

Is It Wrong to Be Insane?

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 02:20:00 +0000

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick

image - Mike Bohatch - The Eyes of Chaos

A Man Said to the Universe...

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 16:49:00 +0000

A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist."
"However", replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."

stephen crane - War is Kind and Other Lines

I Guess I'm Experiencing Problems

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 14:17:00 +0000

I guess I'm experiencing problems...
It's not so cool to have so many problems.
The Talking Heads

Help From Johnny Walker Red

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 01:41:00 +0000

Maybe a stiff drink would do the trick right now, though i doubt it. Maybe doubling or tripling my regular dosage of psycho pharmacological drugs would turn things around, probably not.

This post is probably going to ramble around and be incoherent to everyone except me. Just so you know what's coming...

So basically I have this powerful feeling that life is absolutely absurd. There is no meaning, there is no reason, there is no understanding. There is no real 'knowing'. According to Albert Camus there are only two responses to this conclusion; live on with hope, seeking some meaning, or ending your life.

I feel there are things left for me to do, contributions to make, art to create, stories to write, people to avoid, etc. Manic depression is a bitch, and it sort of derails most of these lovely dreams and plans.

Ah. dang. I can't make myself write anymore now...

New Job - Tired as Hell

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 23:48:00 +0000

Howdy folks...I got me a new job. I am so tired these days that it seems like I don't have much time to breathe, let alone eat, sleep, drive to and from work, do the actual work, go to class once a week, do all the homework, work on my research paper, and do some side consulting.

Shit - Crazy

So hopefully you will forgive me my recent absence in light of this new information. I hope you can. I'll try to throw some more stuff up here later when I've had some time to marinate in my new job.

I Hate Myself

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 15:34:00 +0000

Here we are, it's 2007. It was supposed to be the year of prosperity, hope, and accomplishments. So, why then, do I feel like a fucking idiot that has failed already? Oh yeah, I hate myself, just so you know. Most people thankfully do not experience this particular thing.

Self-loathing is interesting in that it can be a passing emotion, or a life-long condition. Because I have the whole manic depression thing going on, my levels of self hate fluctuate...but it's always there. Currently my hate meter is maxing out. It's topped out, it's in the danger zone, it's glowing an angry red and threatening to explode.

I questioned even bringing this whole topic up and writing about it. For some reason I felt strangely compelled to get my thoughts on this virtual paper. Maybe it's a way to do a controlled release--kind of like a bleeder valve on a pressurized line--whereby I let a little of this emotion out, but not all of it. To just let it fly without any restraint would probably be bad. BAD.

I could probably explain some of the reasons for this latest situation. Then again, that would be like describing only half of the problem, because I never can fully understand why my moods and emotions strike me when they do, or why they do. And also I don't really feel like going into all of those things right now, anyway. Just wanted to get some of this crap out.

And with that, I will close with a quote from the great movie SLEUTH with Michael Caine, and Laurence Olivier.

"You're a young man, in a clown suit, who's about to be murdered!"

For Fans of Good Horror Fiction - Delirium Books

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 13:12:00 +0000

Delirium Books is one of the premier Small Press publishers out there today. Their stable of authors is outstanding, the production values of their books is top of the line, and their publishing schedule is almost always on time. Shane Ryan Staley runs this press and he is a great guy who always goes out of his way to treat his authors, fans, and readers well. You won't meet a more friendly, funny, and interesting group of people anywhere.

Delirium has a great forum with posts about upcoming titles, and contributions from the authors like Brian Keene, Weston Ochse, Gord Rollo, Brett Alexander Savory, Michael McBride, and others. Talk about your collections, brag about how you got an awesome Limited Edition that no one else was able to get their hands on...and just hang out with a group of people that love horror and extreme fiction and love talking with others just like them.

Here's a link to the Delirium Books Message Board.

I am on the boards regularly under the handle 'LeftoverJoe'. Stop by and say hello!

My (Sprained) Left Foot

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 15:34:00 +0000

Well the other day I went ahead and totally cranked my left ankle. It was actually last Wednesday night, at my weekly indoor soccer game. To set the stage a bit here, I should tell you that all of the notable injuries I've had playing soccer have come from indoor games. By notable, I mean that they resulted in operations or at least hospital visits.

This is the first time I've hurt my ankle though, so it's a brand new experience. Here is a pic of my ankle from this morning. I really wanted to take one on the night it happened, but I was pretty out of it because it felt like my ankle was caught in a bear trap and I was more interested in getting an ice bag duct-taped to my leg than in taking a picture of it with my cell phone.

Granted, it's not the best picture, but you'll notice the large dark line running along the bottom of my foot, and the swollen, red, areas all over the rest of the thing. It kind of sucks, this injury, because you use your damn ankles all of the time. What kind of creator gave us such tender, important parts like this, and then made it possible to screw them up in a pointless soccer game?

Oh well. I am not going to be playing for a while now, and maybe I'll even wait until the outdoor season starts in April. Until then, I'll just hobble around, pop some Vicodin, and wax pathetic about how bad it stings when I put pressure on it.

I am Thirty Years Old - Huzzah!

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 18:09:00 +0000

Well, here it is...people of all ages got to know that I am all thirty and whatnot. It took awhile getting here, and it's been fun, I suppose. I really wanted to stay 27 years old for a bit longer than I did, but since I lost a bet with the demon-lord of aging, I had to keep on going and getting older and stuff.

Thirty ain't so bad though. Is it as cool as being in your twenties? Mayhaps. I don't really care though. It's one of those things that worrying about just makes your heart older faster. Your outside looks thirty, but your insides are in sprint mode, carrying you along to your death much quicker than you'd like, I am sure. Besides, I have enough shit to worry about as it is.

Anyway, The Daily Depression is going on three years old--actual birthday is in May--so that is cool. I am considering the possibility of making it a private blog and hosting it at a different URL, although the current address will re-direct to the new site. It's just a thought.

Well that's it for now methinks. Cheers!

A Tale of Madness - part three

noreply@blogger.com (LeftoverJoe) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 20:33:00 +0000

...
He let himself out into the hallway. It wasn't so much a hallway as it was a crumbling, partially-covered path that led into the garden in the middle of the structure. The lush green oasis looked as if it had taken over the modest courtyard centuries ago. The building itself was only just over a one-hundred years old, but the garden appeared far more ancient than that.

Moss, grasping tendrils of thick vines, and layers upon layers of creeping foliage engulfed the open space. There was a narrow dirt path that took him through the middle of the courtyard. As he passed the green plants and luscious sprigs seemeed to shrink back, wizened by his presence. Tips of recently fresh, sprouting shoots curled back, browning instantly, and beds of bright, gaping flowers retreated into the dark recesses of their habitat.

The madman took no notice of the cowering plant life. He marched on with cold purpose, through another hallway, leaving the exposed courtyard behind him. He entered a tired, abandoned lobby with faded, curling wallpaper and blistered ceiling tiles that hung grotesquely, separated from the rafters. His worn work boots scuffed across the plank flooring where tatters of the green carpeting remained in whisps.

His stomach was fully healed now, glazed over with a sheen of oily new skin. His rib blade swung in one hand at his side. He kicked past some used needles and husks of skeletal mice and birds, his stride never faltering.

As he neared the gaping maw of the entrance--where the once-proud, oak doors hung, half-off their frames, splintered and moldy--the light shifted briefly as a shadow passed over his right shoulder. Whirling around with an unnatural speed the madman danced to his left and raised the curved bone saw. Halfway through his pinwheel his arm met a brief resistance, then traveled around through its wide arc. A hot splash of blood arrived on the rotting bebris that was once the check in desk.

The madman turned back to the door without glancing back, and left the building to its fresh meat. Back in the lobby a scared young man lay on the floor. A wide, scarlet opening stretched from his left hip to his right shoulder. His breathing stuttered as he looked upon his bright, slippery bowels. The intestines were beginning to unravel and slide down over his legs. He heaved two, final, hitching breaths, as his eyes rolled back into his head and the rest of his entrails emptied, steaming, onto the corroded floor boards.

The building sighed and shifted ever so slightly, straightening, as it hungrily absorbed the life blood of the unfortunate squatter. The man continued on away from the dark building, wanting to find more victims before the first blood dried on his blade.

...