The Daily Gut

THURSDAY\'S NONGREGALOGUE: HAPPY JULY 4TH WEEKEND!

2009-07-02T13:40:53-04:00

Bill and I just finished hosting the Dennis Miller show, which was a delight. I hope you tuned in!
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WEDNESDAY'S GREGALOGUE: WHY OBAMA HATES OBAMACARE

2009-07-01T13:57:01-04:00

So Obamais holdinga townhall meetingright now(cue hearty applause from a sea of clapping seals) to tout his monstrous health care overhaul more evidence that we`re entering the hard sell phase of something so unnecessary it`s actually turning our President intoa sweaty huckster. But thankfully for him,he doesn't have to do it all himself- the networks aredoing Obama`s pitching (and catching) for free. Look,with this sort of thing, you gotta go with your gut: when someone is trying to sell you something way too hard, the thing he`s selling ain`t good. And the only thing you have to remember about health care is this: if Obama had to choose between the current system, and the system he`s envisioning for all of us, he`drunscreaming tothe former. You saw him in that ABC infomercial - when asked by a neurologist (which is a real doctor, I think) what he would do if his wife or child got seriously ill. Wouldn`tObama want the best damn care possible, nationalized health care bureaucracy be damned? At that point, Obama started thinking like a human again, not a teleprompter, and could no longer defend his plan. Instead, he said, "it's my family member, if it's my wife, if it's my children, if it's my grandmother, I always want them to get the very best care." What, nothing about controlling costs? In effect, what`s good for Michelle and Malia, is not good for the rest of us. No wonder Obama needs to sell us this thing. Even he doesn't even want it!
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TUESDAY'S GREGALOGUE: POPULARITY

2009-06-30T13:52:43-04:00

So according to a new poll by WorldPublicOpinion.org, Barack Obama is the most trusted political leader in the world. The poll was of nearly 20,000 residents of the largest nations, including even Macau. Oh how I love Macau. From my own experience, the authorities tend to look the other way when it comes to so many things. So Obama was right: he truly is the citizen of the world, even as his own country is left wandering and confused. I suppose it`s easy, however, for Jabrail in Azerbaijan to swoon over Obama, when he`s not faced with cap and trade, nationalized health care, and those new mandatory curly light bulbs. But then again, in Azerbaijan, I guess you`re just happy to have any kind of light bulb. Even if it`s a candle shaped like a light bulb. But I digress. The poll looked at "confidence ratings," and found that while Obama had the highest, and would "do the right thing regarding world affairs," Vladimir Putin and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had the lowest. Now, these standings mightmean something, if Obama actually had the balls to take advantage of them. I mean, what`s the use of being loved, if you can`t actually scare the crap out of those who love you? It`s what confuses me most about our President. He chose initially to sit on the sidelines -as the people of Iran cried out for help- preferring to see whichdude wins.Atrue leader, however, would know that it`s not the leaders who matter, but the people caught in the middle. Which is why Obama`s recent response to the Honduran mess is even more bizarre. Immediately after the coup Obama raced to condemn it. So our President develops a spine over an abducted politician in pajamas but not about widespread bloodshed of innocent folks in Iran? Where the heck are his priorities, or his sense of proportion? Does Obama make a list of things that piss him off, and if so - what`s at the top? Fascism or poorly inflated tires? The murder of innocent protestors, or midtown bodegas that sell cigarettes to teens? Nukes pointed at Hawaii, or sugary sodas at school? Our nation`s prosperity or his abs? I don`t know. Which is why at least for now - I`m taking down my Obama poster from the ceiling above my bunk bed. I`m replacing it with a poster of Sarkozy. He's got abs, and balls!
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MONDAY'S NONGREGALOGUE

2009-06-29T14:33:48-04:00

I'm doing my last two entries on tonight's show. Andy's back, and looking healthy! Bill's here, and looks like Bill!
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JACKSON, IRAN RIP

2009-06-26T11:14:07-04:00

Michael Jackson is dead.I get why this is news, and on a very deep level, why it's important to a lot of people. But I hope soon we all make room for the things that are equally as important. Michael Jackson's death doesn't mean we should forget Neda's.Millions of Iranians who were risking their lives - hoping that we might act in solidarity- are now temporarily rendered irrelevant and unwatched by the world, because of the coverage of the death of a superstar.I know, it makes total sense. It's the biggest story, perhaps, in years. But any momentum to expose, or stop, mass tragedy, has been, for the moment, muted. Mahmoud must be doing the moon walk. Can you blame him?
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THURSDAY'S GREGALOGUE: THE MILITARY, THE MEDIA, AND THE MARTINI

2009-06-25T14:11:37-04:00

Now imagine you were somebody who only got your news from USA Today. What a weird world view you`d have. For one, you`d think colorful pie charts solve every problem, and you`d also think our military consists of nothing buttroubled head cases. In the past year or so, USA Today has done little more than paint our military as rife with suicide, mental health problems, divorce, troubled kids and of course alcohol and drug abuse. Let's look at the most recent USA Today piece on alcohol abuse. The paper reported that "Soldiers...with alcoholism or alcohol abuse, such as binge drinking, increased from 6.1 per 1,000 soldiers in 2003 to an estimated 11.4 as of March 31." That is disturbing, no doubt and it`s all from military data. But what happens if you compare that figure to our general population? Well, according to the National Institutes of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, 15.5 percent of the general population report episodes of binge drinking in 2006 - and for males alone the number jumps over 20 percent. Okay, think about that. Twenty percent of males in the general population binge drink that`s one in five. In the military - largely made up of young males who deserve to drink - it`s six soldiers per 1,000. What does that tell you? Well, first: our soldiers seem far more well-adjusted than USA Today would like to let on. And also: our soldiers are far more capable of handling alcohol than non-military bozos like myself. That should be no surprise: these are discipline dudes, and unlike me, their jobs require them to be clear-eyed and sober. As a magazine veteran and a television talking head, I can safely say that nearly all media jobs can be done drunk. The only dangerous machinery we face is an elevator. Now to be fair to USA Today, my analysis is not perfect (I`ve had four martinis already). And I confess I`m not comparing apples to apples the NIAAA stat was collected differently than the number cited in USA Today. Still, there`s a fundamental truth here: Our military doesn`t just rock physically, but also psychologically. It`s a truth that goes against USA Today`s and most film directors` desire to paint our soldiers as ticking time bombs. Finally,buried in the sameUSAToday pieceis another interesting fact: "Enrollments in drug abuse treatment programs have remained largely unchanged in the Army during the war, rising from 3.7 per 1,000 in 2003 to an estimated 4.2 as of May." Think about that. As rehab clinics in Americabecome more commonplace than bowling leagues the Army presses on during the toughest of times. I`ll drink to that.
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WEDNESDAY'S GREGALOGUE: TROOPATHON

2009-06-24T13:37:31-04:00

As a middle-aged pudgy schlub, I am eternally in awe of those who serve in our armed forces. But my awe is always fueled by a little anger primarily driven by our pop culture-driven media, and what they consider cool in this world. In our current culture, here's what we consider "daring:" barbed wire tattoos around the biceps of scrawny witless musicians, well-abbed unemployed drifters found on various reality shows, pierced, preeny "in your face" dip-wads from pranky stunt shows, spoken word cretins fueled by rage and poor hygiene, performance artists who use their own bodily fluids as both canvas and paint, brain-dead hard-partying actresses with assorted infections, extreme adventurers who require public-funded rescues, animal rights activists with more tics than friends, creepy new age healers who drink their own urine - and of course, Adrien Grenier. But overlooked as the truly coolest people in America? Those folks who put their lives on the line for their country. These are the people who deserve the reality shows, the fat paychecks, the accolades and the free drinks at swanky clubs. Not the offspring of Hulk Hogan. Not recent Road Rules alumni. Not Green Day. Especially not Green Day. Anyway, that's why Red Eye is taking part in this year's Troopathon, which helps bring much-needed care packages to those people fighting for our freedoms. Go to Troopathon.com to find out what you can do to help the coolest people on earth. They deserve it.
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TUESDAY'S GREGALOGUE: THE BYSTANDER IN CHIEF

2009-06-23T13:45:02-04:00

"We don't know how this thing is going to play out." Somehow, that statement doesn't blow your mind like "hope and change," but that's exactly how Obama feels about Iran. "We don't know how this thing is going to play out." Which, as you know, is a stance that has never stopped our President from immediately re-imagining health care,trying to endenhanced interrogations, or reducing carbon dioxide emissions via something ridiculous called cap and trade legislation. "We don't know how this thing is going to play out." I imagine you can use that excuse onpretty much anything. Except when it comes to press conferences. Which is why Obama does them. And now that our President has recognized that he's potentially on the wrong side of history he gave us a press conference designed to blunt criticism, as opposed to blunting the persecution of innocent people. "Bearing witness," as Obama calls it, is all it takes, apparently. But I'm not so sure. If you were being mugged,you'd really like a cop to shoot the bastard, instead of bearing witness. If you'relugging five bags of groceries up four flights of stairs, "bearing witness" does no good. Lend a hand, champ. So I disagree with Obama we're not seeing a "debate" in Iran. We're seeing abrutal, ruthlesscrackdown. Something tells methat stopping that ismore important thanreducing carbon emissions to fight a questionable threat. Look, I like the fact that he's finally - although reluctantly - stepping up, but I wish Obama felt as immediatelyoutraged about Iran as he didover the murder of an abortion doctor. "We don't know how this thing is going to play out." It would have been closer to Obama's real concerns, if that quoteended with "for me."
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MONDAY'S GREGALOGUE: SEE PREVIOUS INSTALLMENT

2009-06-22T13:19:25-04:00

Still have a pinched nerve. Took some bad meds. Now I have a pinched nerve and a belly ache!
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MONDAY'S GREGALOGUE - NOW, BECAUSE I'M PISSED

2009-06-20T18:14:31-04:00

Am I an old fart or am I right to be pissed that some jackass is skateboarding down the halls of the White House while all this Iranian shit is going down?We truly have succumbed to the idiocy of the MTV/Mountain Dew/Road Rules backward hat and baggy short culture. Did I miss something, or is the White House the future set for the next Real World? Where are the wallet chains? Is Hot Topic handling our foreign policy? Obama should be grounded for a week for letting Tony Hawk play in OUR house. Where in hell are the adults?Look: Tony Hawk is in his mid forties. He's a grown man...and he skateboards. Could you imagine your dad or anyone who lived during World War II treating a man who skateboards with anything less than scorn and ridicule?Right now, people are risking their lives for the glimmer of freedom, and Tony Hawk is in the White House tweeting about Frosted Flakes. Someone please dig up Reagan. I'd take a dead leader with balls over a living camp counselor who wants all the cool kids to like him.What a screaming joke.
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FRIDAY'S GREGALOGUE: CASH FOR CLUNKERS

2009-06-19T13:01:29-04:00

So last week I was reading up on the "Cash for Clunkers" program -which just got approved by the Senate - hoping to talk about it on the show. I gave up, however, because it didn't make any sense to me. Then it dawned onme. It didn't have to make sense! It's a government program. As long as it's paved with good intentions, it doesn't matter if it's a road tonowhere. So let me try to make sense of this for you (believe me, it's not easy). The goal here is to get gas guzzlers off the roads. So thegovernment is offering a voucher worth anywhere between $3500 to $4500 for your guzzler, whichmust thenbeused to buy a new car. How do you qualify? (Breathe deeply.) You can trade in a car getting 18 miles per gallon or less for a car getting at least 22 mpg. But the voucher would grow to $4,500 if the new car's mileage is 10 mpg higher. Now, if you own an old SUV, you could receive a $3500 voucher, if your new wheels gets onlytwo more gallons per mile. Now, if it's five more miles per gallon then you get an extra grand. A caveat: unlike my houseboys, the car youwant to trademust be at least25 years old. Or maybe younger (actually I never understood that part). You follow me? Good then find a gun and shoot me in the face. Now, here's the fun part. None of this makes any sense for you, if the car you're unloading is worth more than the voucher. Meaning thisonly works for old cars worth under 3500 bucks. And if that's the case then the government pays and loses money on every junk heap. Lastly, considertrying to find someone with a piece of crapup on blocks in their front yard who can suddenly afford a new car, even with a voucher. You can count all of them on one foot - even if you're missing a toe. So, in sum, welcome to the rebirth of big government. It'll drive you nuts just thinking about it.
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thursday's gregalogue: Bush Speaks

2009-06-18T13:41:05-04:00

So in a talk before a local business group, former President George W. Bush finally responded to all the mud thrown at him the previous five months. In the speech, Bushdefended his policies regarding enhanced interrogation and rejected the idea ofgovernment-run health care. And to top it off, hesaid the new White House dog sucks. Well, that dog part isn`t true, but it doesn`t matter. Because I already know how this is going to be played by the media - a group who takes any criticism toward Obama as a personal insult. After all, Obama isn`t just the man. He`s their man. I`m sure right now, Chris Matthews is taking an extra dose of meds to control the "thrill." But let`s be clear. Bush has every right to talk about this stuff, since his beliefs are broader than any current political strategy. So if he`s asked about them, why not answer? After all - love him or hate him - his words reflect a philosophy that most people know to be true. That it`s people, not the government, who create wealth. And that "therapy isn't going to cause terrorists to change their mind." And lastly, Bush didn`t start this war of words. He should have every right to take aim at the new administration`s policies if only because for the past five months or so, Obama has been blaming Bush for everything from global warming to his lousy bowling. But in the end, Mr. Bush still remained diplomatic, and that`s because he really wants Obama to succeed. Because Obama is his president too. Even if he can`t bowl.
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WEDNESDAY'S NONGREGALOGUE

2009-06-17T12:55:50-04:00

No rant today. Pincheda nerve in my back and angrier than a thing that's really angry.
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TUESDAY'S GREGALOGUE: LETTERMAN AGAIN

2009-06-16T13:52:23-04:00

So David Letterman apologized one more time, and boy was it painful. Now, I know that for some folks, this is a big win. Not for me. Letterman getting cornered over a crass joke means little to me - if only a few segments later, he welcomesa jackass Ph.D. who considers you a "loser" if you do nothing about climate change.So while it might be fun to get Letterman to grovel over a joke, a guest who spews global warming dogma to hearty applause will always piss me off more than slimy slander. Because the latter is taken as a joke; the former isn`t. More important, I didn't want Letterman to apologize - I just wanted him to say how he screwed up. Letterman repeatedly chose Sarah Palin to make fun of, because no one in his protective, elitistbubble ever assumed she would be a risk. So there were never any limits when it came to her, Bush, or anyone else Letterman considered a right wing dork. And that was Dave`s screw-up. He went too far because -in his lazy, predictable world -he thought there was no such thing. It would be great for him to admit that. He should say: "I`m not sorry about offending you, I`m just depressed that every night I'm producing worthless wads of no-risk, predictable pap. I made fun of Palin because IT WAS EASY, and that makes me a hack." I know that`ll never happen, but it`s fun to pretend.
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MONDAY'S GREGALOGUE: PANETTA VS. CHENEY

2009-06-15T13:35:38-04:00

So in the latest New Yorker, CIA Director Leon Panetta says Dick Cheney's biting criticism of Obama`s enlightened approach to terrorism suggests "he's wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point." Now Mr. Panetta is absolutely right about one thing: Cheney has been highly critical of the Obama Administration`s new tact toward terror.But that'smainly because our new President has been so critical of the previous administration`s strategy, while now pretty much copying most ofitskey elements. But after that, Panetta make a fundamental error in his reasoning. See, he mistakes Cheney for a leftwinger. Remember, it was during the Bush Administration that the left milked the hell out of tragedyand calamity to make sure they won in November. Liberal bloggers never met a car bombthey didn't front page, andlefty pontificatorswould wet themselves whenever an opportunity to portray our soldiers as seething barbarians presented itself. Hell, you remember the mini-industry of films made about how awful the Iraq war was.They failed miserably at the box office, but helped achieve a loftier goal: they pulled crisis out of success, cementing a win in November. I used to call these folks patriotic terrorists people who claim they love their country, but need that same country to suffer, so they can win. Cheney isn`t one of those people. At least to me, he`s always seemed to put the security of his country before everything else, especially his popularity. Which is probably why Panetta can`t stand him. Unlike Obama, Dick just doesn`t give a fuck.
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FRIDAY'S GREGALOGUE: ANGRY WHITE MEN

2009-06-12T12:57:34-04:00

Paul Krugman is so adorable when he's delusional.Today the bearded boob lays the blame for the Holocaust shooting and the Tiller murder on the conservative media and Republicans in general. Meanwhile, the AP broadens the scope to basically anyone who doesn't light a candle before a handpainted portrait of Barack Obama. The writer Jesse Washington's conclusion: "The potential for an increase in violence from whites who feel they are slipping from power is high, people from across the ideological spectrum say." "People from across the ideological spectrum?" You mean you, Jesse, you scamp!And so the lefty media is doing exactly what they're accusing the rest of us of doing: fomenting hate against people who hold different views from their own.Does the "far right" do this? I have yet to read anything saying the murder of that American soldier by the American jihadist was the responsibility of Paul Krugman or Keith Olbermann. And it's been years since the beltway shooter took out a pile of people - and still not a peep about his motivations. From the media's perspective, only white men can be dangerously angry.Let's compare how two different killings were reported: in this Holocaust shooting, it was saddled with sociological musings, obsessing on the motivation, and pronouncements of a national trend of "desperate" white men. Of course, for this to work, the writer has to ignore the Jewish hatred from the far left, including our President's own preacher. He also has to bypass the fact that the pathetic killer also hated Bush. And as for the killing of our US soldier? The motivation is ignored. Forget "white hate," this is all about politics. And It's getting Kafka-esque--every time I look at the news, I'm being told I'm a criminal for not buying into universal health care, global warming, higher taxes - in fact, my bedrock conservative beliefs are a sign of a deeper racial hatred. See Janeane Garafalo.Wait - don't see her. My only conclusion - that this is a hate campaign perpetrated by the leftist media to create a violent race war. The good news is, I think I can take Krugman. I've been doing Pilates.
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LETTERMAN'S LAMENT

2009-06-11T14:52:57-04:00

Here's my take on Letterman's obsession with Sarah Palin: -ideology clouds what you find funny. If you're a lefty, then a Palin joke is priceless. If you're a righty, it's lame.That's just the way it is. -Letterman is a comedian, and he tells jokes, andhe shouldn't have to apologize for them. If they're not funny, or in poor taste, orhorriblyoffensive - the marketplace will deal with it. That's free enterprise. -Having said all that, Letterman still makes me sad. He's an old, rich man relegated to choosing easy targets for cheap laughs. He has an entire bumbling administration to poke fun of -along with a conference room full of writers to do it for him- and he goes after the daughter of an Alaskan mayor. Letterman was a god in the eighties -now he's just a mere, sad mortal driven by fumbling bitterness. And that makes me sad for him - and for those who never saw how truly great he once was. Which leads me to my final point: Chris Elliott was the true genius.
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thursday's nongregalogue

2009-06-11T14:03:39-04:00

Hey - we didn't get to my gregalogue last night on the New Gitmo (kinda like New Coke), so we're doing it tonight. What a lineup we have!!
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WEDNESDAY'S GREGALOGUE: THE NEW GITMO IS THE OLD GITMO

2009-06-10T13:19:37-04:00

So President Obama finally figured out what to do with those detainees at Gitmo, and it only cost 12 million dollars per captive. That's right: we're sending those 17 Chinese muslim terror suspects currently at Gitmo to a place called Palau, in exchange for 200 million bucks in aid. FYI: Palau is a little island somewhere near the Philippines, with a population of about 20 thousand people. It was also the site for Survivor, twice so it`s obviously familiar with housing no-good, belligerent ass-hats. So let me get this straight: Obama`s solution for fulfilling his promise to dismantle a prison camp in a foreign land... is to replace it with another prison camp in a foreign land. Truly, this is change we can believe in. And this is what happens when you make a campaign promise, without any actual plan behind it. You`re left with whatever you had before, except of course, it now costs us 200 million dollars. It really makes you wonder whatthe Messiahhas planned for health care reform. Well, we already know.It will be no better - most likely worse-and it will costs more money they we can possibly imagine, or even afford. And that`s what really pisses me off. If I had known what Obama was willing to pay to house these folks, I would have immediately volunteered my basement, which could easilytake at least a dozen of these detainees. True, it would be a little tight, but that`s why I have all those double bunk beds. They can sleep four up and four across, with each person`s belly serving as another inmate`s pillow. It's kind of like a bed and breakfast, if by "breakfast" you mean "ball gag."
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TUESDAY'S GREGALOGUE:

2009-06-09T14:00:29-04:00

So, as usual this morning, I'm on the stairclimber at the gym, watching CNNdevote what seems like an entire morningon the death of George Tiller (no wonder their ratings are in the toilet). Remember, this isn't just any abortion doctor - he's like a hall-of-famer, late-term baby disposal unit popping them off just as they cross the finish line. But no matter, as I watch CNN's in depth coverage - the kind you'd never see them give to the murder of a soldier by a Muslim convert - I kept obsessing over one thing. Am I wrong for not caring? I mean, I know that soon there will be a movie about Tiller (not about William Long, of course), probably starring walking hairpiece Ted Danson. But I still don't care. I mean, I know that killing Tiller is wrong. It's murder. And if you're against the killing of unborn children, you can't just go out and kill a man, even if he kills unborn children. But that still doesn't explain why I don't care. And I'm willing to bet that the rest of America - save the media - don't care much either. Why is that? It's not about Tiller's murder being wrong.I get that. That's not the issue. This issue is, when you make priorities of "stuff that's wrong" - is it more wrong to kill a dumpster full of viable babies, than to kill the doc who fills that dumpster? And by posing that question, does that make me a crazy pro-lifer?I mean,I don't march outside clinics waving grotesque posters of dead fetuses. I don't hand out equally graphic pamphlets. I keep to myself mostly, and drink boxed wine. But I do have some definition of what being "pro-life" is. It goes like this: if you look at the people you love - your child, your sister, your spouse -and cannot imagine them never being born, then you're a prolifer. But if you can imagine your loved ones never being alive -then congrats, you're a pro choicer - and I admire your gumption. Oddly, I've never met a pro-choice advocate who can say she wished she'd aborted her obviously adorable child (I'm still waiting!). Anyway, before you call me a callous bastard for my ambivalence over Tiller's murder, realize I already beat you to it. I am a callous bastard. But I guess, as Obama often points out, it's all about empathy. It reminds me of an old joke I wrote: Knock knock! Who's there? You'll never know!
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