The Daily Lifeku

Friday, September 11

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 06:42:00 +0000

I love it when teens challenge you to play video games with their triumphant look that says, "I dare you. You're so old anyway it's not like you'll win." But it seems teens today have forgotten something, namely that video games STARTED WITH MY GENERATION. Technically, there was Pong even before us...

You're a sore loser
13 year-old Tetris boy
Show some Game-boy respect

Thursday, September 10

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:12:00 +0000

I teach business English to French adults a couple days a week and translating from French often leads to hilarious results... I explain over and over again that it's better to learn the words in English, then think in English, rather than going from French to English in their heads. One of my clients was having what we call a "translation day" we can result in sentences like, "I have hurt in supporting people like that" or even worse, a misuse of sexual terms:

Stop French to English
No market penetration
Business fiasco

Wednesday, September 9: Reader Submission

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 06:59:00 +0000

I received this rather angry yet totally valid reader submission from Buzz, who once again called me out on being too French by "prolonging" my vacation...

You gave us a taste
Got us all addicted
And 'French-Style', you quit

You said just August
Did you lose your calendar?
It's now September

My mornings were bright
The inbox would ding with joy
Where's my Lifeku, bitch?

He speaks the truth...

I'm back

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 07:02:00 +0000

Actually I've been back for a week, but I'm basically French now so I was extending my vacation without knowing it.... but I am back in France, where it is unusually cold and rainy for September, which totally blows chunks after a month in Thailand. And of course, no return to France could be complete without a crazy chick on the train:

My first morning back on the RER, this very strange woman sat next to me. She kept changing seats while singing to herself and sucking on some sort of candy that reminded me of that Bazooka chewing gum in a tube. Eww. She was in her 50's and had so much plastic surgery that she looked not unlike a cat...

Crazy Train Woman
I hope you like your candy
Your face is stretchy

Vacation

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 07:36:00 +0000

Let's face it, The Daily Lifeku is practically French... and not unlike the French, the Daily Lifeku takes the month of August for vacation. Please continue to send your reader submissions to dailylifeku@gmail.com since I'll be back in full force in September (also not unlike the French). In the meantime, marinate on this lifeku that is dedicated to my mom, who was attacked by a ferrel yet not ferrel abandoned psycho cat that happened to be rabies-free:

Oh no, Mom! Look out!
There's a cougar in Cape May
Cat Scratch Fever pills

Friday, July 31

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 04:38:00 +0000

Sir-Complains-A-Lot
It’s could always be much worse
You could have no arms

Thursday, July 30

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 05:37:00 +0000

Chronic canceller
You still bother making plans
One often wonders

Wednesday, July 29: Reader Submission

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 08:15:00 +0000

Today's reader submission comes from my Twin Flame, who basically just says what I'm thinking anyway:

This Lifeku is dedicated to my e-mail server company, which obviously doesn’t like using any type of sorting techniques.

Stupid spam filter
No, I don’t need Viagra
Are you even on?

Tuesday, July 28

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 06:54:00 +0000

This is for someone I saw last night, you know who you are:

Unwelcome non-friend
Why do we still play this game?
You know I hate you

Monday, July 27

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 04:45:00 +0000

Your social quagmire
Is thanks to your big fat mouth
You gossipmonger

Friday, July 24

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 06:40:00 +0000

Suburbanite chick
Your Lexus is in my space
Can you pick a lane??

Thursday, July 23

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 05:42:00 +0000

Summer lovin’ teens
I don’t need to see all that
Keep it in your pants

Wednesday, July 22: Reader Submission

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:42:00 +0000

Today's lifeku comes from Shea, who has issues with his mother-in-law:

My mother-in-law moved near us recently. Since you've never met her you can't possibly know that there are no words in any language in the world that can accurately explain her. This lifeku was inspired after a shopping trip I took with Satan herself!

Mean old nagging wench
Find something better to do
Or be thrown in lake

Tuesday, July 21

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 06:23:00 +0000

Super hot iPhone
After just a few minutes
You’re burning my face

Monday, July 20

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:21:00 +0000

Don't bother talking
Nobody cares what you think
Captain Stooge McSlow

Saturday, July 18

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 05:42:00 +0000

Greedy party man
You do not know how to share
Nobody likes you

Friday, July 17

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 06:22:00 +0000

Pedophile priest
You think your self-flogging
Makes it all better?

Thursday, July 16

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 06:19:00 +0000

I was feeling nostalgic, so I thought I'd bust out some 90's slang for today's lifeku. Anyone feeling in a particularly "It's the 90's" mood feel free to send your reader submissions for next week...

Sketchy lunch box guy
Could you be any weirder?
Stop wigging me out

Wednesday, July 15: Reader Submission

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 06:37:00 +0000

Today's reader submission comes from Noelle, who will now probably think twice before reaching out to touch somebody:

"A long time ago, I went to the beach with my grandparents. We went to a reptile zoo and I left them to go use the restroom. When I came out, I noticed my grandfather leaning against the railing, so I decided to surprise him with a sudden hug. After I'd successfully wrapped my skinny little arms around him, he turned around with a look of shock on his face, and that's when I realized something. I'd hugged a complete stranger who didn't even remotely look like my grandfather."

Random old stranger:
sorry for the weird hug, man.
I bet you liked it.

Tuesday, July 14

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 06:27:00 +0000

Too-Botoxed has-been
No revitalization
Voluminous face

Monday, July 13

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 06:24:00 +0000

Today's lifeku goes out to all of the ladies that I smell way too much on the morning metro:

Parisian Women
Lay off the Angel*
You all smell like barf

*please note that Angel is a perfume intended to smell like chocolate, but more closely resembles rotting stomach lining.

Saturday, July 11

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 04:55:00 +0000

Just because it's summer, doesn't mean you have to let it all hang out:

Droopy boob woman
Have you ever owned a bra?
Cocker spaniel ears

I'm back

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:41:00 +0000

It appears as though I am finally back.... after what seems like years of waiting for a new internet connection. I swear, if France didn't give me 6 hour work days, 5 weeks vacation per year, and really good bread I don't know if I could handle it here without committing customer service murder. After several visits to the SFR boutique, two outbursts of crazy laughter when I just couldn't take it anymore, and mysteriously picking up my modem at a dry cleaner behind my house (don't even ask because I don't know), I now find myself reconnected.

Today's lifekus are obviously about how a country as developed as France (yes we have electricity and running water) can make things that should be so easy so freaking difficult:

Nonsensical France
You brought us the face transplant
But Wifi is hard??

Dear France Telecom
Screw your lame monopoly
Not another cent

Update

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 04:51:00 +0000

Okay so I have now been living without internet for so long that I have almost forgotten what it is. I am supposed to be "reconnected" tomorrow afternoon... if this is the case, expect The Daily Lifeku to come back in full swing. If The Daily Lifeku doesn't come back in full swing, you can assume that the French internet gods are punishing me...

In the meantime, this is for you, underappreciated Loreal commercial guy:

Undervalued guy
Don't you just wish they could see
How much you're worth it?

Friday, June 26

noreply@blogger.com (Daughter) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 06:30:00 +0000

Thanks for applying
I will not be dating you
Guy with pet gopher