The Daily Mind - Making the Daily Grind Meaningful

About a Man

The Daily Minder — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:08:05 +0000

“All of us who are worth anything, spend our manhood in unlearning the follies, or expiating the mistakes of our youth.” – Percy Bysshe Shelley

Its the 1940’s and our man, now just a small boy, is growing up in a middle class family with a bunch of brothers and sisters. Mom stays at home while dad goes to work. He brings home a very good income. Our man, still a small boy, is smart, athletic and showing a lot of potential. Everything is going swimmingly. As he grows up he plays sports, studies hard and looks after his siblings. Around age 14 his mother gets sick. A year later she is dead. Everything begins to fall to pieces.

A new mother
Within the year his father had remarried and this woman brings along two children of her own. She hated our man (now 15) and his brothers and sisters. She wants their father all to themselves. She does whatever she can to make their lives miserable; manipulated them against each other and against their dad. The father is too busy to notice that anything was wrong, he is absorbed in his own misery, too focused on diluting the grief with work. The things she did to our man would, these days, be classified as physical and emotional abuse.

At age 16 our man sits his final school exams having been skipped ahead a year due to his exceptional mind. He heads home happy in the knowledge that he will get a place at University in any course that he wants. He has done well. He can’t wait to see how proud his father will be. His wished his mother was there to see. As he walks up the darkened street towards home, bathed in moon and street light, he can see two box-like figures on his porch. What are they? As he gets closer he realizes they are suitcases. On top of the first one is a note from his step mother, “I have packed your things. Time to move out. Don’t bother coming inside“.

Un-Coping
This stage of his life is called un-coping. In reality, it probably extends well beyond the initial grief and lasts until the day he dies. He never really gets over the loss of his mother. He wasn’t taught how. There were no goodbyes, no post-death counseling sessions and very little support from his father. It was the 1950’s and 60’s and no one talked about emotions, feelings or how to deal with a loss. You just got on with it.

So that’s what he did. He got on with it. He got on with drinking alcohol and gambling. He got on with meeting lots of women. But none of them dulled the pain forever and none of the girls replaced his mother. They didn’t even come close. Our man, now in his twenties, fell into line and joined the family business despite having dreams and aspirations and the ability to do other things. He did what his father told him to do, even when it wasn’t in his best interests. He never really learned how to be his own man. He was still un-coping with his tumultuous childhood. Perhaps by joining the family business he would win the attention of his dad.

Replicating the disaster
This stage of his life is called replicating the disaster. We might call it “having a family”. Having met a beautiful woman he decides to propose as soon as he can. She accepts the proposal, seduced and infatuated with his charm, wit and tendency towards popularity and success. Completely unaware that his drinking and gambling were becoming an issue, they have two children, one after the other and settle down in the suburbs.

Barely a week goes by where our man doesn’t fight with his wife. Occasionally they fight in front of the children. If they manage to conceal the arguments, the kids would notice the upset mother and the absence of the father. He was at the pub putting money into machines or on horses. Everyone knows it. Soon work colleagues and family friends know it. Our man has developed a reputation around town as a drunk, a gambler and a womanizer. His wife is, of course, the last to find out.

Quite unconsciously our man pushes his loved ones away. He would ignore them when he had free time and make himself busy when he could. His arrival home from work would be characterized by the shutting of doors, children heading to their rooms to bury themselves in books and video games, finding any way to escape his foul breath and poisonous attitudes towards immigrants on the news, stories of his work mates and clients and, above all, women. At an early age his children learned that he was no role model. It was a lesson they never un-learned.

Alone again
This stage of his life is called alone again. If we are really honest, however, we might call it “still alone” because it was not like he ever really connected. But, the wife and family get tired of the gambling and the drinking and they pack up and leave. Our man, now in his 50’s, moves back in with his father as the gambling had made renting a place too financially difficult, despite a $100k a year income.

Occasionally his kids stop by to see him, mostly to assuage their own guilt. These visits got less frequent however as the constant complaining and blaming of others grows too suffocating. Our man has, for all of his life, blamed others for his faults. Every weekend at the races was the fault of an inattentive wife. Every night at the pub was the fault of a slow-to-pay client. Every mistake was that of someone else.

How does it end?
And though our story ends, our man lives on. Alone. He has girlfriends, quite a few, actually. But they don’t stick around. Today’s women are too intelligent and independent for that. His children still visit him, three or four times a year. Normally they see a movie so they don’t have to talk to him. The darkness of the cinema works well for our man too, he doesn’t have to look at how grown up his children are, how much he has missed out on.

I can’t help but wonder how it will end. Will our man ever beat his demons? Is he ever going to be able to look in the mirror and recognize his faults? How long can a person hold a grudge against their mother and father? How long can he blame them? Most of all I wonder how our man can continue to engage in the very activities and habits that have caused him ruin. A life of great potential, blamed away, day by day.

That is my story, about a man.

Random Posts

The Modern Guide to Finding Happiness

The Daily Minder — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:08:03 +0000

photo credit: mihow bitata

“To To fill the hour — that is happiness.” – Emerson, Ralph Waldo

In these modern times it is easier than ever to be happy. Technology, media, politics and family life all make it extremely simple to get that happiness that we all seek. In this post I am going to show you the modern guide to finding happiness. I hope that it will finally answer all of your long-held questions and concerns about how to get there.

1. Work as much as you can
We know that our life is finite and we know that we hate our jobs. So we should always attempt to work as much as we can. It doesn’t matter whether you are trying to get a promotion, more money or just drown out the other issues in your life, working lots is the answer. It is especially true if this means we spend less quality time with the family, friends and enjoyable pastimes. Being busy all of the time is a surefire way to get to know yourself and make the people around you full of joy.

2. Drink, every night if possible
When your friends ask you to go out for drink after work you should definitely do it. Alcohol makes people happy and serves as a wonderful way to forget about the troubles that you are experiencing. In the modern world of stress and depression, booze can help you numb the pain that you are just too busy to address. Surely you will have time to deal with that later once things smooth out in the office or at home?

3. Spend big, every weekend
Have you been to a shopping mall lately? The things you can buy are amazing. We have wide screen TVs, blu-ray players, home gyms, gaming consoles, designer clothes, luxury cars, watches, sneakers… it is enough to make anyone happy! Take the money you earned during the week doing the job that you hate and medicate yourself with shopping. Each individual item will make you happy. The more expensive the item and the longer you think about having it the more likely it is that the happiness will last. This is a fact.

4. Sleep with beautiful people
Head out to a nightclub on a Saturday night and you will see more beautiful women than you know what to do with. And in the age of the metro sexual male, women now can choose from a vast array of gorgeous men with chiseled abs and moisturized faces. Everywhere you look you are being told to have sex with each other. The media, Hollywood, magazine advertisements, your friends… all of them are telling you to get out there and live out your fantasies and desires because it is only then that you will feel happy. The bigger the bust the happier you will be. And you know what, you might not ever be happy until you have tried them.

5. Use your technology at every moment
Now that we all have iPhones, computers, laptops, GPS in our cars, games on our TVs, etc. it is important to never go a moment without engaging one of them. When you are waiting in line to see a movie make sure you check your email on your iPhone while listening to your iPod.

photo credit: FaceMePLS

If your senses are engaged all the time you will never feel depressed, especially when you finally need to turn them all off to sleep. Technology is really making happiness a whole lot easier.

6. Model your life after musicians, celebrities and other rich people
The closer you look the more you will realize that musicians, celebrities and rich people are happy. Truly happy. These guys have it together. Whether they are off sun baking in the Bahamas, making hip hop videos with beautiful women around them or closing a multinational business account, these guys know what makes them happy. They rarely experience problems because they have famous friends and nice things to hide behind. If only we had as much as them, we would be as happy as they are.

What have I forgot

Is there anything else I have forgotten to include in the modern guide for finding happiness? Is there anything else in this day and age that will really make you happy. Please leave a comment and let us know.

Random Posts

The 5×5 Meditation Plan for Less Stress, More Energy and a Better Life

The Daily Minder — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:22:11 +0000

photo credit: adeltoclarencedock

Daily life is tough. Really tough. Sometimes our emotions run so wild that we think we are going to give up. Other times our body is so tired we feel like we need to just collapse right there at work. Modern life seems to be about work, money, stress, depression and not enough sleep. But there is something that can help. There is a simple way to combat stress, create more energy and build a better life. If you feel like you need some extra help dealing with all that is thrown your way then maybe this 5×5 meditation plan is for you.

Why meditation can solve our problems

Before I actually get into the 5×5 plan I want to talk a little bit about why meditation can help to solve our problems. Many of you are probably thinking that meditation is just for hippies who want to sit around all day and do nothing. But that idea couldn’t be further from the truth. Mediation is an ancient art that has been helping people for thousands of years. It is completely supported by science as a means of changing our emotions, habits and even brain structure.

So how can meditation solve our problems? Well as many of you know, the Tibetan word for meditation is gom which can be translated literally as “to familiarize“. Meditation is really about becoming familiar with your mind and making your mind familiar to more favorable states. For example, if your spouse does something to annoy you over and over you will immediately get angry. If they do it again a few weeks later you will get angry again. Your mind has become familiar with anger. But if you use meditation you familiarize yourself with a different state of mind, you might automatically react with patience or understanding and thus avoid the anxiety associated with the anger.

Meditation is also extremely healthy. It causes your brain to release many feel good hormones like cortisol which can actually alleviate depression and other negative frames of mind. So while you are training yourself to become more happy, your brain and body are actually helping you do that on a more physiological level. Some of the other major benefits that you will experience when meditating include:

becoming less tired
having more energy
being happy for no tangible reason
stress anxiety becomes less and less vicious
depression arises less often
an increased level of awareness
an increased ability to help others
better ability to deal with difficult circumstances
an increased immune system and resistance to disease
a better functioning brain and mind
increase health (heart, lungs, digestive system, etc.)
etc

Regular readers will know that I spend a lot of time in the Himalayas with my yogi friends. At one time or another I have seen examples of all of these benefits with my own eyes. Meditation practitioners have an aura of natural happiness, health and energy. Being around them is often infectiously peaceful and can be a very intense learning experience. I have no doubt in my mind that this stuff produces concrete results in a short amount of time.

The 5×5 meditation plan for a better life

photo credit: Stuart Conner

So what is this 5×5 meditation plan? How does it work? It is quite simple really. All you have to do is spend five minutes meditating five times a day. But before you close the window thinking “there is no way I am going to do that” let me explain a little bit about what I mean by “meditating”.

What kind of meditation do you mean?
Most people think that meditation means sitting down with your legs crossed and your hands in a weird gesture. And while that style of meditation is fantastic, it is not really what we are talking about here. The 5×5 plan does not require you to buy a new meditation cushion and sit down for five minutes five times a day. All it is asking is that you stop what you are doing, sit there and look at your mind. You could be on the toilet, sitting in the car about to leave for work, about to go to bed at night, etc. All you have to do is sit there and look directly at your mind for five minutes.

Why five times a day?
As beginners, we need to do short bursts more often. It is only the experts that can sit there for hours at a time doing their practice. It is the same of any discipline. If we were just starting with the guitar we would be better of practicing for short bursts so we don’t cut our fingers or get bored and chuck it in. If we were just starting with jogging or running we need to build up over time so we don’t drop dead of a heart attack! The same is true of meditation. Short bursts of five minutes done five times a day will cause us to make progress extremely quickly without feeling like we are doing a lot of work. In just a few sessions you will feel happier and less stressed.

What exactly do I do?
It is simple. Find a place to sit down. A chair is fine. Now focus on your breath going in and out of your nose for as long as it takes to get settled. It might take you two or three breaths or it might take a lot more. Once you have done that just gently shift your attention to your mind. Watch the thoughts coming and going and dissolving into nothing. Watch your emotions come and go. Don’t engage them. Don’t allow yourself to run away with your thoughts. Don’t play little mental games or carry out mental stories and chatter. Just watch. Observe. Don’t try to change anything. And after five minutes stop.

The routine
Let’s be honest. If you don’t have a routine you are never going to do it. So pick five times a day that will allow you to sit down and do this practice. I think the best times might be:

before starting work
after eating your morning tea
before or after lunch
after eating your afternoon tea
before bed

If you try to associate your meals or an event like beginning work with a short meditation practice you will be less likely to forget as it will become part of your daily routine. After just a few sessions you will see some changes in your mind.

Obstacles
Anyone who has done a bit of meditation will tell you that you need to become good friends with obstacles. Meditation is fraught with them. Quite often as you start to become familiar with your mind you will notice a lot of negative emotions and chatter that you didn’t notice before. Many people make the mistake of thinking that meditation is making their mind worse. In actual fact, you are just becoming aware of things that you were too busy to notice before. Just watch them. Don’t let them fool you into playing with them. If you just observe they will vanish of their own accord.

Conclusion

Meditation has changed my life and the lives of many others. Over time it will help you to reduce stress and anxiety as well as teaching you to deal with emotions and difficult times with more strength, resilience and patience. Give it a go but make sure you give it the time it needs. Persevere and don’t give up at the first obstacle that you encounter. Much like breaking the pain barrier when you run, it becomes a lot easier after the first spell.

Please let us know if you have tried meditation and whether or not it has helped you. And if you decide to try the 5×5 meditation plan please stop back often and let us know how your progress is going. Your example might really inspire someone else to give it a go.

Random Posts

5 Life Lessons Your Mom Was Right About

The Daily Minder — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 23:44:31 +0000

photo credit: laurenfarmer

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. – Tenneva Jordan

If you scoured the entire Earth looking for someone who has shown more kindness to you than your own mother you would be gone a long time. Such a person does not exist. Your mother cared for you while you were in her stomach, gave birth to you, fed and raised you to become the person you are today. No body comes even close to her in terms of love and compassion. And over the years she has taught us many things, some helpful, some not so helpful. Here are a few life lessons that your mom was right about.

1. It could be worse
Of all the things your mom said to you as a kid this is one of the most valuable. Hidden inside these four words is a wealth of wisdom that has been somewhat obscured due to the popular nature of the saying. In fact, when your mom said this to you it was often at a time when you felt pretty terrible. And so you ignored her. I’ll never forget when my little brother broke his arm my mom calmly announced that “it could be worse” and to basically get it together. She was right. It could have been worse.

The reason this saying is so important is because it teaches two things that are essential to your life, calmness and compassion. When you think about how much worse your bad situation could be you realize that there is no point getting all worked up. But you also start to think about those other people out there in that “worse” predicament and feel sorry for them. It is a very powerful tool.

2. The proof will be in the pudding
As if on a timer, my mom would say “the proof will be in the pudding” every year about three weeks before school report cards went out. It was around this time that she started to get nervous that my brother and I had been playing too much soccer and not doing enough homework. So she would subtly let us know that even though we said we were working hard, the real proof would be the grades on that card. And for some reason it scared the hell out of me!

There are a lot of people in this world who are good at talking. They are good at spinning a few words together and getting out of a predicament. In a similar way, there are a lot of people who are good at making excuses. But the proof will be in the pudding. You can convince yourself and those around you that you are working hard towards your goals or a project but unless that hard work bears fruit then you might be kidding yourself. The proof really will be in the final product.

3. I don’t care who started it, you stop it
Do you remember those times back at home when you and your brother or sister were pulling each others hair out over some stupid little argument? Do you remember how cheated you felt when mom trounced in the room and told you to stop it even though you didn’t start it? It was the worst feeling in the world. It felt like everyone was against you and that the world was completely unfair. Well, in actual fact, your mom was teaching you an extremely valuable life lesson about self control and self responsibility.

photo credit: ASingleAtom

What your mom was really saying in this situation is that she wants you to take responsibility for being the bigger person and diffuse the situation. When you put it like that you might start to see some more adult-life scenarios where it would be useful. Perhaps an argument that you are having with your father or even with your siblings again? Perhaps a colleague at work has started a fight or maybe one of your mates did something silly? Even though you might be in the right it is often extremely wise to put your pride aside and diffuse the situation.

Imagine the effect this wisdom would have on a global scale if it was put into practice by world leaders and politicians. I am not saying that everyone should just admit defeat all the time, but rather that it could be useful to put grudges aside and be the person or nation who takes steps to solving the problem instead of arguing about it.

4. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
What a simple but powerful lesson. Imagine how many disputes around the world would be avoided if people just remembered their mothers advice. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. This saying has applications for marriages, politics, business and friendships. And it has a lot more to it than it seems.

As a kid this saying probably just meant that you shouldn’t call your little brother a dickhead. But as you grow up and get a little bit more life experience you can start to add new meanings to it. For example, saying “something nice” might not just mean a compliment but rather something that is going to add to the situation and help the people that you are speaking with. Like the Buddha said, “do not speak unless it improves on silence“. So from this point of view the saying is a lesson in helping other as well as being mindful of what one is saying.

In the business and political worlds this saying is perhaps one of the most important rules there is when dealing with other people. You never say anything bad about a business partner or a competitor because it will inevitably come back to harm your reputation. The consequences in the political world are even worse. Gossip and harsh speech can have implications for careers, national progress and even international relations. Your mom was right about this one. Unless you have something helpful, intelligent and proactive to say, don’t say anything.

5. If you don’t do it now, then when are you going to do it?
If you are a regular reader of The Daily Mind (good on you!) then you will know that I am always talking about procrastination. So much of our lives is wasted because we hate the idea of now and we love the idea of tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes and we still haven’t accomplished anything we feel regret, depression and ever so unfulfilled.

One of the sad truths about life is that you can lose it at any time. Death is certain to come but the time of its arrival is most uncertain. So you might not even have a tomorrow in order to accomplish your task. Really, if you look closely at the matter, now is all you have. Now is all you have. If you don’t do it now, when are you going to do it? What if that opportunity never comes or if you run out of time because you are too busy. Will you be filled with regrets on your deathbed?

Again, we can add a little bit more grown up meaning to a saying that your mom probably said a thousand times. Of all the lessons she taught you this is one that really needs to hit home. She is right about this one. If you don’t do it now then when are you going to do it? My guess is never.

What lessons was your mom right about?

Every mom has a myriad of different lessons for their children. It would be wonderful if you could try to remember a few and leave a comment. It would be even more fantastic if you could try to think of some examples in your adult life of when the motherly wisdom helped you out.

Random Posts

How to Cope With a Serious Illness or Disease

The Daily Minder — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 07:59:26 +0000

photo credit: Brian Vallelunga

“May the pain of every living creature be completely cleared away. May I be the doctor and the medicine and may I be the nurse for all sick beings in the world until everyone is healed.” – Shantideva

According to the Buddha there are four inevitable stages in our life: birth, old age, death and sickness. We will all get an illness at some point in our lives. Some will only suffer a bad flu whilst others will have to stand face to face with a serious disease like cancer or HIV. A few years ago my closest high school buddy got diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer and during that painful and testing time I went to the ancient texts of India and Tibet for some sort of philosophical help about dealing with an illness. Since that time we have also talked a lot about the illness and a lot about what got him through it. Today I would like to share some of those techniques with you and your family members.

With a few minor adjustments you can turn the experience of being sick into something positive where you grow into a braver and stronger person. Illness is one of the only times in life where you get to truly discover your potential. Without this attitude the whole debacle is just a waste of time.

BE INTERACTIVE – If you have any other methods that I have not mentioned please leave a comment as it might really help someone. Similarly, if you or someone you love is sick and you need a friend to talk to I will always answer your comments. We also have a lot of caring, knowledgeable and loving readers who will do the same.

How to cope with a serious illness or disease

photo credit: [expletive deleted]

Although I myself have never been seriously ill, it seems as though a lot of the people around me have. I hope that some of these techniques benefit any sick people out there, either directly by reading it or by a loved one passing it on. Most of the techniques I discuss in this article come from a Eastern Philosophical background and as such they might contain some foreign concepts. That’s okay. Sometimes you need something a little different to get you through.

1. Accept that you are now sick
Quite often the first thing you notice about someone who has a serious disease is how they go about their life as if nothing is going wrong. It is obviously a coping mechanism, but it can often lead to some very painful times as the truth begins to set in as symptoms and pain begin to get worse. If you have just been given some bad news from your doctor it is important to accept it right away. This does not mean getting all glum and depressed, it just means that you are in touch with reality. If you do not accept the truth you will not be able to develop any further coping mechanisms, and that is why I have put this as the first point.

2. Know that you are not alone
When you get told that you are sick it is easy to feel all alone. Especially at night time. When I had a few months of serious depression in my early 20’s I always noticed that night time was the worst. And others have said the same. Everything is quiet, dark and you feel like the only one awake. But you aren’t. At any one point in time there are thousands of people around the world who know exactly how you feel. And although you might never meet them in this life, there is some sense of strength that comes from realizing that they are out there.

On a more intimate level it is important to realize that your friends and family will be there for you whenever you need. It doesn’t matter what time, day or night, if you need them there by your side do not be afraid to call them or shoot off an sms. They will be glad that you did. They will not feel inconvenienced. They will actually be delighted that they can help in some small way, finally vanquishing that terrible feeling of helplessness.

On a more superficial level you should know that The Daily Mind will always be here. I will always answer comments. It might take me a few hours to see it but I always get them in the end and I will do my absolute best to help you though whatever situation you are in. Please note that I am not a psychologist or a counseling professional, just a boring old philosophy nut who has had some life experience. So there you have it, you are not alone.

3. Develop some gratitude by using compassion
Let me be very clear with you. The strongest and most powerful positive emotion that a human can feel is compassion. The wish for another human being to be free from suffering. It is why our mothers took such good care of us and it is why strangers in the street will risk their lives to help a person in a mugging or a fire. Compassion is going to be your greatest tool in this time of illness. Why? Because it is going to teach you that things could be worse. And developing some gratitude will help to calm your mind and allow more room for positive change.

photo credit: Board Shanty

Let’s think up an example. Say you have just been diagnosed with cancer. You are scared, stressed and perhaps a little bit angry. You start focusing in on the sense of self so tightly that no body else matters. But this makes things worse. Everything anyone says to you is like sandpaper grating on your skin. You become more sensitive and less able to deal with bad news or pain. But shift your focus for a second. Think about all the others out there who have it worse than you.

Even if you are dying of cancer you can still be grateful that you have your family by your side or pain managing medication. A lot of people don’t. Think about the other people out there in worse scenarios than you and feel thankful that this is all you have to deal with. It will give you a lot of energy.

4. Use an ancient meditation technique to forget about your own self concern
All of the Buddhist texts agree on one thing when it comes to sickness: you must engage in the meditation practice called Tonglen. Tonglen is Tibetan for “giving and taking” and is an ancient Buddhist practice that originated with the Indian Buddhist Master called Atisha Dipankara Shrijnana, born in 982 CE. The meditation is easy to do and bears results after only a few sessions. His Holiness the Dalai Lama has said that he does Tonglen every day. So how do you do it?

Find a comfortable seat and sit in the correct meditation posture if you have the energy. Now shift your attention to your breath; the breath is the “vehicle” on which this meditation is based. Now do the following on each breath:

Inhale
Imagine all the suffering and illness of all other sentient beings is coming into you in the form of black smoke. It completely takes away everyone’s pain, agony and disease and is destroyed in your lungs. Focus on the intense feeling of compassion, the idea that you are willing to take on other people’s suffering.
Exhale
Imagine your exhalation is white light that sends out all your happiness, health and peace of mind to all the sick and dying people around the world. Imagine that that are actually sustained by this exhalation and immediately feel better and more content. Focus on the feelings of love, the idea that you are willing to give all your happiness and health to help your fellow human being.

The first question that new meditation students inevitably ask is, “Will taking on other people’s suffering make me sicker?” The answer is always a definite “NO“. In fact, many yogis in Tibet often found that this practice gave them a new lease on life; more energy and often times helped them overcome some illnesses. There is no correlation between meditation and getting sicker, only the opposite is true. The goal of Tonglen is to shift your focus away from your own self importance and teach you to value others more. Dealing with pain becomes quite easy when you are an expert at this meditation (or so I am told).

photo credit: C-Ali

5. Become acquainted with the Buddhist concept of purification
There are many prayers in Tibetan Buddhism that say that “sickness is good, health is bad“. At first this seems like absolute nonsense but then you read on and it continues that “sickness helps me purify my negative ways, happiness just makes me lazy“. All of a sudden we see that initial comment in the context of mind training and now you have quite a powerful new teaching.

Being a good person is easy when the belly is full. Thinking about love and patience is easy when you are having a wonderful day. But the real test of character comes when you are sick and suffering. How loving are you then? How much patience do you now have? Not a lot. But illness and disease presents us with a unique opportunity to purify our old ways and develop a new way of thinking. It is a situation of great hope and possibility.

Buddhists actually believe that sickness is good because it is purifying bad karma that might have otherwise ripened in a much more serious situation. Imagine you spent five years smoking and got lung cancer. You beat that cancer, quit smoking and approach life with a new sense of vigor and awareness. If you didn’t get sick that would never have happened. In fact, you might have kept smoking and ended up with a much more serious case of cancer. The sickness purified that negative karma.

I am not asking you to accept this idea straight away. In fact, I don’t care if you never accept it. But when you are sick it is important to open your mind to new ideas. Make it pliable. Imagine that your current sickness if purifying your past karma so that you can move on as a brand new person without anything holding you back. Doesn’t that seem like a nice way to view the disease? Its helping you.

6. Find a role model to emulate
The last technique I want to talk about is one that is that of using a role model to give you strength. It is an extremely potent way to give yourself a renewed sense of purpose and power. And it is very easy to do.

When I am feeling sick and sorry for myself I imagine the great yogi Milarepa who endured so many hardships for the benefit of others. He did not let a little cold or flu stop him. He meditated alone in caves with no food or drink for months at a time, sustaining himself only on nettles. He was so determined to reach his goal that he continued working even when he was sick.

Find someone strong and empowering. It might be a religious figure like Jesus or Buddha or someone else that you admire. Think about them when you are feeling down and ask yourself what they might do if they were in your situation. Over time you will find that you take on their strength much like a child copies his mother or father when approaching a new situation.

Conclusion

Getting a serious illness or disease can be the most trying time of your life. But you have a choice. You have an opportunity to use this situation to become a better person, or you can let it depress you. My sincere advice is to start thinking about compassion as much as you can. Become friends with the illness and see it as a positive time in your life, your rare opportunity for growth.

Random Posts

Ethical Dilemma #7 – Would You Forgive/Help a Murderer?

The Daily Minder — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 22:28:02 +0000

photo credit: bogers

The Ethical Dilemma discussions that we have here at The Daily Mind are fast becoming my favorite time of the month. I love sitting back and watching your educated but passionate comments roll in. Sometimes I get a laugh out of them, sometimes I walk away really quite upset. But I always learn something.

Today I want to look at two topics that have always been interesting to me; forgiveness and loyalty. I want you to read the situation (as always) and leave the most honest comment you can. Now, when I say honest I mean as “real” as possible. Try not to answer with what you would theoretically hope you’d do, but rather what you actually think you would do. Here it is:

You and your father are out for dinner one summer evening. Part way through the meal he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. He is gone for a long time. A very long time. After a while you get worried and head to the bathroom to investigate. The door is locked. You knock and call out to him and he opens it and pulls you in whilst making sure no one is looking. There is a man lying dead on the floor. You ask what happened and you father explains that he killed the man after he had tried to steal his wallet. He orders you not to tell anyone. The two of you walk out and leave the restaurant.

What do you do? Do you call the police? Do you forgive your father and move on? What would you do in this situation? I am particularly interested in how your loyalties pan out and whether that affects your ability to forgive/dob him in. Does it make a difference that he is your father?

NOTE – All of these situations are hypothetical. My father has never killed anyone to my knowledge.

Leave a comment.

Random Posts

Sound Sleep: How to Get to Sleep Easier

The Daily Minder — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:06:32 +0000

photo credit: Newsbie Pix

You spend close to 50% of your life in sleep. So why is it that we often fail to do it properly? We spend years going to university, school and work to perfect our waking selves, but we spend almost zero time learning how to sleep well. Fascinating. And perhaps a little stupid. And it seems as though the most problematic issue relating to sleep is that of getting to sleep. Many of us struggle with that seemingly simple task.

In this post I am going to give you some tips on how to get to sleep easier. I have taken some of these techniques from yoga and meditation, while others have come from more modern sources. If all goes to plan you should be getting to sleep much easier tonight.

Why getting to sleep is important

Over the past few years here at The Daily Mind we have had some very popular posts on the topic of sleep. This one on waking up fresh has had more feedback than any other post. Similarly, many people loved the advice from a Buddhist yogi about waking up early. These posts were popular because many people struggle to wake up in the morning after a long night of deep slumber.

But in actual fact, the way you get to sleep can have a big impact on how well you sleep during the night and how easily you can get out of bed in the morning. A solid routine at bedtime can completely alter the way you sleep. Furthermore, if you get to sleep quickly and sleep solidly throughout the night you will find you feel much better during the day. For this reason the act of getting to sleep becomes very important.

NOTE – This post is about getting to sleep easily, not about staying asleep or waking up early. If you want advice on those latter two issues see the links above.

How to get to sleep easier

photo credit: drew/beck

At first I thought about creating a “guide” to getting to sleep but changed my mind because I realized that people might not be prepared to completely change their sleeping habits. Instead I am going to give you a series of tips that you can implement all at once or one at a time as you feel comfortable. As always, please leave a comment if you have anything to add.

1. Realize that “eight hours of sleep” is a harmful rumor
The first and most important thing that you need to do is realize that the idea of getting eight hours of sleep per night is a harmful rumor. You don’t necessarily need eight hours sleep. Everyone is different. Thinking that you need a solid eight hours is just a cause for anxiety and concern. Forget it.

For example, I need around six and a half hours of sleep per night. If I have over seven hours I struggle to stay in bed, get very agitated and need to get up. Mrs. Daily Minder, on the other hand, cannot do without at least ten. If she gets less than nine hours she just cannot function. We are completely different.

When you go to bed at night remind yourself that you don’t necessarily need eight hours of sleep. It will vary depending on how tired you are and how busy you have been. Just relax thinking that whatever sleep you get is going to be enough.

2. Understand that “only deep sleep counts” is rubbish
I recently heard a sleep expert from Germany talking about how the idea that “only deep sleep counts” needs to be completely wiped from your mind. It is rubbish. You do not need deep sleep to refresh and process the day. And you certainly don’t need a super deep sleep to refresh.

The evidence for this is napping. Many countries have a siesta period where the shops close for an hour and everyone has a nap. This is a wonderful thing because it charges their batteries and allows them to sleep less the next night. They simply don’t need as much and can get up early to work or go to school.

Deep sleep is not necessary all the time. Sure it is nice. Sure it is beneficial. But don’t get caught up on it. If you wake up during the night to go to the toilet or yell at some noisy cats don’t get back into bed in a huff and force yourself to sleep. Just relax. Whatever you can get is good.

3. Stop the train of thoughts at dinner time
Dinner, for me, is the time when I actively decide to cut the train of thoughts about the day and switch off for the night. Whatever worries I have about work or the next day I let go of and think “I’ll worry about it later”. Dinner time becomes my cue to switch off for the day.

A lot of people blame their busy mind when they talk about not getting to sleep easily. I used to be like that; laying there unable to turn off the constant stream of mental chatter. I would fight it and force it until I become so worked up there was just no way I was getting any sleep. Until I decided to make a regular switch off time.

Make a habit of joining an event in your evening with “switching off”. It might be dinner or desert or an evening shower. Try to make it about an hour before your bedtime. Every night for the rest of your life I want you to actively say “I’ll worry about it tomorrow” when it gets to that time of the day. Let the thoughts go.

4. Don’t be your own sleep enemy
Relating to the last point, don’t become your own sleep enemy. If you have been unsuccessful in turning the thoughts off for the night it is important to just chill out and not work yourself into a state. I used to toss and groan and kick the covers when I couldn’t sleep – do you think that was helping things? Not at all.

photo credit: by and by

If you can’t switch off and your mind is too active the worst thing you can do is get worked up. Yes you have to go to work tomorrow. Yes you need your sleep. No thinking about that is not going to help. Just relax.

If you find yourself in bed with the thoughts running you can try a simple breathing meditation. This is where you shift your focus from your thoughts to the feeling of the breath entering and leaving your nose. It is very effective and if it doesn’t cut the train of thoughts, it will at least relax your body.

5. Avoid coffee, wine and chocolate at least two hours before bed
What! Coffee, wine and chocolate? Are you serious? Yes. Very. These three things are said to be the worst thing you can have before bed because they are stomach irritants which cause sleep harming gases to be released. Coffee will also stimulate your mind and body and making it harder to slow down.

How annoying that these three substances are the very thing our culture has taught us to eat and drink in the evening! It will take some time to break these habits but it is very important. No coffee after dinner. No chocolate for desert. And no wine two hours before bed. Can you do it?

Try it for a week and see if you find it easier to get to sleep. If it doesn’t make a difference then you can go back. I’m betting, however, it makes all the difference in the world.

6. Keep the bedroom for sleep and sex only
The brain creates new pathways very easily. If you have an office or a TV in your bedroom your brain will quickly start to associate the bed with entertaining TV shows or going to work. And this is very bad news for getting to sleep.

The bedroom should be for two things and two things only. Sex and sleep. Every other distraction needs to be removed post haste. When you go into that room it should be to get changed and drift off into a peaceful night’s rest. Not work. Not watch TV. Not anything else.

Again, try this for a fortnight or so and see if you notice any changes. The habit might not be a very overt one but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Once you have done this I would love if you came back to this post and reported your findings.

7. Make the bedroom totally black
Our eyes are very sensitive, and like the point above, the brain starts to associate light with day time. And what do we do at daytime? We don’t sleep. We wake. A crucial part of getting to sleep easily is making sure the room is pitch black.

This might seem simple but light comes from lots of places. It might be a hallway light you leave on for the kids, or something as simple as the bright moon shining through some thin curtains. Either way, you need to find a means of blocking it out. Heavy blinds, a doorstop or an eye mask. Block out that light. Your brain associates darkness with sleeping. So make it as dark as possible.

8. Go to bed at the same time every single night
If you struggle to get to sleep you need to make some big changes. One of those big changes is the bedtime – it needs to be at the same time every night until you are back into your rhythm.

As we have seen in some of the points above, the body and the brain learns from habit. We are habit forming creatures. If you can go to bed at the same time each night you are basically setting yourself up for success because your brain is going to soon associate that time of day with sleep and rest.

If you can’t go to bed at the same time each night you should at least try to wake up at the same time each morning. This will help you find a natural rhythm with your sleep so hopefully you are tired enough at night to just drift off.

Conclusion

Getting to sleep easily is, like most things, a matter of training. If you can train your body and mind to switch off you will not struggle at all. The tips above will help with this. Above all else, relax when you go to sleep. Don’t stress about not being able to sleep. And if all of this fails to work, go see your doctor. They will be able to help.

Is there anything in particular that helps you get to sleep at night? Do you have a routine? Leave a comment and let us know.

Random Posts

Say What You Need to Say. Here.

The Daily Minder — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 22:40:26 +0000

photo credit: joesflickr

“Take all of your wasted honor, Every little past frustration, Take all of your so called problems, Better put em in quotations. Say what you need to say.” – John Mayer, Say.

Imagine you had something to say to someone close to you but they died before you mustered up the courage. Imagine you needed to talk to your lover about something but were too afraid and so lived your life in silence. Today I had the idea that we would tell them here. Call it a practice round but I want everyone who has something to say to someone to leave a comment here. Say what you need to say.

Why should I?

Quite often it is music that plants a seed in my head. And quite often that music comes from John Mayer. I recently found myself listening to “Say” with tears in my eyes. The tears weren’t because I had missed an opportunity to say something to someone I loved, but because I realized how painful that situation must be. And I thought about all the people out there who are living with that desperation. Listen to the song.

If you do not have the courage to go and talk to that person I want you to leave a comment here as if you were telling them in person. Imagine that this post is a place where you can come, offload your problem, and begin the process of healing or of developing the courage to tell them in person. If you know someone who should talk to a loved one, send them this link and encourage them to leave a comment.

What should I say?

Whatever is on your mind, say it. It could be something you need to tell your wife or husband. It might be as simple as “I love you”. Or you might need to tell your father that he was a lousy parent and that you are angry at him. Or perhaps you need to tell him how amazing he was. Maybe you need to yell at your Government because you feel like you aren’t being heard. Or perhaps you need to say something to yourself.

Say what you need to say.

Random Posts

The Lifetime Guide to Staying Emotionally Healthy

The Daily Minder — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:35:55 +0000

photo credit: Schantzilla

“A clear understanding of negative emotions dismisses them.” – Vernon Howard

Stress, depression, panic attacks and anxiety. The modern world is overflowing with emotional problems of all different kinds. And chances are you or someone you know has suffered from some form of emotionally unhealthy state. So how can we avoid these problems? Are there things we can do to prevent them coming about?

In this post I am going to present the lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy. I hope it helps someone out there.

What is emotional health?

Before I present any ideas about emotional health I need to define it. Without a solid idea we really won’t know what were talking about and we will get lost.

Emotional health is not a single state of mind like “pleasure” or “joy” but an ongoing process. Emotional health is a conversation, a journey and above all it is work. It will change and you will go up and down. Even the most emotionally healthy person will have bad days. But those bad days are all part of the process, and they’re aware of it.

Emotional health is all about gathering new tools and methods to constantly better your mind. It is flux.

To be emotionally healthy you need to spend a lot of time being open and learning. As soon as you close your mind to new ideas or information you cut yourself off from the possibility of being healthy. This post could perhaps serve as a starting point. It is by no means the end point. Read, research, study and practice. And never give up, because emotional health is an ongoing process.

Why is emotional health so important?

photo credit: RSNY

I have always found it extremely interesting that today’s society will place a massive emphasis on physical well being but almost nothing is done about the mental state. Unless you are suffering from serious depression or some other mental illness, you don’t hear anything about “working on your mind” or “developing emotional health”. And this is quite troubling.

Imagine how happy we could be if we spent as much time working with our emotions as we did running on the treadmill or cooking a healthy dinner. Imagine how different the world would be if there was less anger and more compassion. I think it would be a very different place.

What I am going to show you in this post, however, is that you don’t need to necessarily sit on a cushion or take separate time out to become emotionally healthy. In fact, going to the gym and cooking a nice meal is a big part of emotional health. Stick around and see if you learn something new and, as always, leave a comment if I have forgotten anything.

The lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy

photo credit: fairlybuoyant

Now for the main bulk of the post. Here I am going to present some ideas that you can use work with your emotions in order to become more emotionally healthy. Remember, this is a long term project that you will have to stick at for the rest of your life. You will, however, start to see results right away.

1. Understand you are in control of your emotions
The very first step you need to take on this journey is to realize that you are in control of your emotions. This fact is lost on the modern world; many of us become slaves to anger and depression and stress. But when you turn that around and start to understand that you are the boss of what goes on in your head, you are suddenly left with a very workable situation. Without this understanding, however, no progress can be made.

2. Become familiar with your mind through meditation
Once you have conviction that you are in control of your emotions, you need to become familiar with them through meditation. Now, meditation does not mean sitting on a cushion saying “OOMMM” over and over. Sure it can be that, but it is not only that. The way to meditate is to constantly bring your attention to your thoughts and just let your mind relax in that.

The Tibetan word for meditation is “gom” which means “to familiarize”. This gives us a great insight into what meditation is supposed to be. It is not about relaxing so much as it is about familiarizing ourselves with positive states of mind. Compassion, love, patience, silence. And the very interesting thing about meditation is that these states of mind arise naturally when you just start to look at your mind.

How does this work? Simple. According to Buddhism the nature of every being is compassionate. We are not inherently evil and we are not naturally sinners. Naturally we are compassionate but we have lost connection with that innate part of our being. But looking at the mind re-connects us with that state because we all of a sudden get in control of our minds. And when we get in control of our minds the first thing we feel is sadness for all those people out there who are still struggling. It is an intensely powerful moment in your life.

If you want to learn more about meditation you can check back on some of my other articles:

One of the best things you can do for yourself if you want to become happy and proficient in controlling your mind is learn from someone who has already done it. There are so many wonderful meditation teachers in our world, I encourage you to connect with one. And that leads us to our next point.

3. Connect with good people and avoid bad company
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about avoiding bad company which ruffled up some feathers. A got a few emails that day saying that I was a disloyal friend and that you should stick by your mates even if they are bad for you. Okay, fine. I agree. You should stick by your bad mates if you are able to do so without them being a negative influence on you. But when you see yourself in a downward spiral it is time to leave them alone.

Surrounding yourself with good company is one of the most important life lessons a person can learn. Once a dear friend of mine told me that you will become the average of your five closest friends so make sure you choose wisely. I did. I chose people who were happy, successful and who worked for the betterment of others. I very rarely spend time with people who are selfish, hateful and bigoted. The Buddha once said:

“Put a rose in a sack of fish and soon the rose starts to stink too.”

Now there is no problem visiting people with the motivation of helping them or cheering them up. That is a wonderful thing to do. But if you are best friends with a drug addict racist who starts to rub off on you then you are in for problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to surround yourself with people who are living a life you wish to emulate. Let them rub off on you.

4. Practice ethical behavior to avoid depression, anxiety and fear
Once you have become familiar with your mind and have made a commitment to stay emotionally healthy it is important to live an ethical life. Without a solid basis of ethical behavior there is no chance for long term happiness. So why are ethics so important? Let’s take a look.

photo credit: Daniel Greene

The first thing you will notice about an unethical or mean person is that they have very few true friends. They may have followers or people around them who latch on out of fear, but they have no trusted confidants. And that is a very lonely place to be. In fact, it is a situation that will eventually drive you crazy.

It is also important to realize that negative acts come back to you. If you spend your life stealing or cheating on your girlfriends the chances are your reputation will come back to haunt you. And I am not just talking about other people being mad at you. Soon you will begin to feel guilty. Imagine living your whole life hurting others and to be in the last stages of your life and feel intense regret. It would be an emotion so crippling that you would struggle to cope. Life your life without regrets.

5. Read the masters and scholars of the past
Will Smith is a Hollywood star that many people admire for his staunch opposition to gangster rap that denigrates women and encourages violence and his lifetime pursuit of being a “nice guy”. A few years ago I saw a video of Will Smith speaking to thousands of kids at a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards ceremony. What he said really knocked my socks off.

The human race has an amazing history full of struggles and hardships. But out of those hardships have come some amazing thinkers. There have been men and women who, instead of picking up a sword or gun, have sat thinking. Their messages have been passed down the generations long after the wars were over. And now we are left with a gold mine of knowledge and wisdom. These people left a legacy that we should feel honored to be a part of and study. Like Will said, there are no new problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to take a look at what the great adepts of the past have thought and said about being emotionally healthy.

Let me give you a little introduction to a few great minds that have affected my life. A starting point for you.

The Buddha was a revolutionary, possibly the first of his kind. He sat under a tree and developed theories that have served as the basis for most philosophical thinking. Start with the Buddha’s teachings and work your way forward through history. Study the European philosophers and the masters of meditation from India, China and Japan. Do this and you will be well on your way to emotional health.

6. Avoid man made food, eat naturally
For most of my youth I failed to recognize the link between food and depression. I, like most teenagers, ate a lot of fast food and drank a lot of sugary sodas. And I felt crap, all the time. If you want long term emotional health you need to be very careful about what you put in your body.

To prove this point to yourself I want you to go out and buy the most unhealthy lunch you can. McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC or some other deep fried animal should do the trick. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. Are you more irritable? Are you more depressed and tired? Are you quicker to anger? I bet you are. Now for dinner I want you to have a meal that contains nothing man made. That means no pasta, baked goods or anything produced in a factory. Make something full of colorful vegetables and natural products. Avoid meat if you can. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. How much more energetic, happy and alive do you feel?

The thing about food is that it can change your life. If you eat poorly you are more likely to get cancer, heart disease and diabetes. If you eat well you can live longer, avoid illness and look super sexy. So why do we always opt for the bad choice? Laziness? I’m not sure. Eating well is a big part of being emotionally healthy.

7. Enjoy the middle
Quite often the reason we get unhealthy emotionally is because we do things in excess. Instead of partying once a week we do it four times a week. Instead of eating junk food on the weekends we eat it on the weekdays. Instead of having one coffee per day we have seven. A key to being emotionally healthy is doing things in moderation. Quite often it isn’t that something is inherently bad for us, it is just that we do it too often.

Doing things in the middle takes a lot of strength and personal will power. When your mind is telling you to just have one more you need to be able to look directly at those thoughts and overcome them. And one of the most important is sex.

I always get a little uncomfortable when I bring up the issue of sex because people have such polar attitudes towards it. Some people think it is evil and others think that if you speak up against it you are a prude. To be honest I don’t think either view is correct. I think sex is fine, fun and quite nice but, like anything, too much of it can cause emotional problems.

Spend time studying any internal art form (yoga, chi kung, kung fu or tai chi) and you will learn how important our internal energies are for creating a healthy emotional state. And you will also learn how powerful sex and masturbation are for muddling up these energies. Many ancient texts say that depression and even shortened lifespan are due to too much “excretion”. Many of these ancient philosophies considered our sexual energies to be our life force – use them too much and you get in trouble.

Like I said at the start of this article, what I am offering here is just a starting point. Don’t take what I say as gospel and don’t reject it outright. If you think that perhaps sexual energy could have something to do with emotional health then go and read some more about it, study the texts and make up your own mind. At the very worst you will learn more about yourself.

8. Develop strength in your own personal set of values
Emotional health is not just avoid depression and learning to cope with stress. That is just a tiny fraction of what we are talking about. Emotional health is also become a less angry person, considering other human beings in a different way and improving yourself on a variety of levels. One of the ways you can improve your emotional health is to develop a set of values and stick to them.

photo credit: margolove

When I was in high school I remember hearing that “the measure of a man is by how quickly he gets angry“. I found this statement to be extremely inspiring and decided then and there that I was going to avoid anger at all costs. The more I looked into the statement the more I realized how much other people respected calm, strong and un-angry people. This was something I was going to follow through.

Over time life has thrown me many more of these lessons. Compassion, love, patience. All of these ideas I have tried to adopt into my own persona and stick to them no matter what. And it has been an amazing source of strength. Whenever I feel my emotional state slipping I remind myself of who I want to be and whip myself back on track.

Conclusion

Emotional health is all about working with your mind and your body to achieve some sort of personal mastery. It is a long process and along the way you will inevitably stagger, fault and make mistakes. But these mistakes all serve to make you stronger. If you want to stay emotionally healthy for your entire life you need to explore your mind, read philosophy, take care of your body and avoid extremes. If you can do even a few of these you will be far better equipped than the majority of the population.

So how emotionally healthy are you? Do you do most of these things already or do you have work to do? Most important, what have I missed?

Random Posts

Twilight Love: Do You Love Like a Vampire & Is It a Good Thing?

The Daily Minder — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:44:57 +0000

photo credit: bruna :]

Edward Cullen. The name causes hearts all over the world to skip a beat. Chivalrous, dangerous, protective. His love for Bella, 90-odd years his junior, has captivated the hearts and minds of girls and women everywhere. They leave cinemas green with envy; wishing that that had a love like that.

In this post I want to look at this vampire love and explore some of the thoughts I had about Edward and Bella as I sat there in the New Moon screening. Is this love realistic? Is it harmful to the girls who long for it? Why is it so attractive?

BE INTERACTIVE: Leave a comment after the post and share your views. We have some extremely smart comment leavers here.

Why is Twilight so attractive to girls and women?

Let’s start this post by looking at why Twilight is so incredibly captivating to girls and women around the world. This will serve as a base for discovering whether or not it is a positive thing.

1. Edward is dangerous
Anyone who went to high school will know that some girls love the bad boy. They are attracted to the danger and the thrill of being associated with someone so loose. Edward takes this danger to a whole new level because he wants to eat Bella! Her smell intoxicates him. Add to the mix that a tiny cut on Bella’s finger can turn Edward’s relatives into a pack of blood-thirsty killers and you have yourself a dangerous man.

2. Chivalry is alive
Edward Cullen is extremely old fashioned. Having been turned into a vampire sometime in the early 1900’s he has a set of values that many women today long for. He is romantic and extremely chivalrous. Mix that in with the element of danger and you have a very attractive male figure.

Later in this post I will touch on why I am extremely happy to see this back in popular culture.

3. A mind reading protector
Some women love a protector. The love of being protected is something that, I have read, occurs naturally in many women due to the relationship with the father and the history of having a male go out and hunt for food and fend off dangers in ancient times. Nowadays women are completely independent of course and no longer need the protections of a male. But many of my female friends remarked that the way Edward fights for Bella is one of the most attractive things of all.

Why this vampire style love is a good thing

photo credit: Sparkle in the sun

Before I get into the reasons why Twilight could be harmful to some relationships, I want to start with the positive and talk about why I am extremely happy that many young girls and boys are seeing these movies.
And it goes back to one word – chivalry.

A generation of teenagers valuing respect for women
I’m a male. And I have male friends. And when you go out with males you inevitable get onto the subject of women. Sex. And the conversations that take place are often enough to make your stomach crawl (my stomach anyway). Call me old fashioned, but I really struggle to participate in conversations where women are just games, sexual objects and described in vocabulary that you would never call your mother.

And for all intensive purposes one could say that this view of women is getting worse. Pornography is now more wide spread than ever. I recently read a statistic that the number of women appearing in pornographic material online doubles each year. Doubles. So when you mix the two facts that men are watching more pornography and more women are appearing in pornography you start to create a culture that has little respect for women other than as sexual beings.

But Twilight paints the relationship between boy and girl in a different light. Sure there is sexual tension and sure there is romance, but it is of a very respectful nature. Edward values Bella more than anything else on Earth and because of that value he behaves in very a chivalrous way. And this is a very important thing for young men to see women enjoying.

Why Twilight is NOT helpful for relationships

photo credit: splityarn

Now I would like to get into my usual critical self and talk about why I think the love portrayed in Twilight is potentially harmful.

They cannot live without each other
The most amazing thing about Twilight is also the most concerning. We all love to see how desperate Bella and Edward are for each other. When Edward leaves Bella in New Moon she sits by her window for months on end. She is depressed. She begins to seek out dangerous hobbies in order to feel close to him again. She cannot live without him.

Now let’s be honest, teenagers do not really need any encouragement in this area! We all remember what it was like with our first love. It had to go on forever because we simply could not live without them. The pain and the angst was crippling. And we all got hurt. And while the great love of Edward and Bella has created an incredible love story, it also paints relationships in an unrealistic light.

You can live without your partner. If they leave you it is not the end of the world. Your identity is completely separate from them and you will move on. If you know this then you can sit back and enjoy the eternal romance without any issues. But if you base your idea of a relationship on that of Edward and Bella’s then you are bound to have some problems.

Love does not last forever
Here is the part of the post where I say something that gets me into trouble. Especially if my gorgeous lady reads it. But I do not think it is true to think that love is eternal. I think it is a view that causes more problems than solutions and I think it is based on fear. Here’s why.

I love Mrs. Daily Minder with all my heart. I have loved her since high school and there has never been a day where I have stopped loving her. Captivated by her intelligence, her compassion and her companionship I imagine I will go on loving her til the day I die. But at death there is a separation. And it is a separation I want to be aware of. I do not want to ignore it.

As brutal as it may sound, I think the idea that love goes on forever and that you will meet in the afterlife is something people say to hide the painful truth that one day you need to part. We are not vampires that can live forever in some timeless romance. We are humans with bodies that get sick and die. And at that moment of death the attachment to your loved one will cause you immense suffering – you will struggle to let go.

Why the impermanence of love is a good thing
Understanding that you are going to have to leave your love is a good understanding to have. It is a very positive and workable situation. It is not a cause for depression.

Why?

Because all of a sudden you are pushed into a realistic world where you know that your time with this person is finite. Much like a person who has survived a serious illness, you now look at life and love in a new light and you do everything you can to make the most of the opportunity.

Imagine a marriage where you spend 50 years together knowing that you have to part and making the most of each day together.

What do you think?

Here is the interesting part. What do you think about Twilight? Do you think the ideas about love and chivalry portrayed in the movies are helpful or harmful? Why do you think it has captivated so many young women? Do you think I am wrong about love not lasting forever.

Please leave a comment and let us know.