The Daily Mind - Making the Daily Grind Meaningful

The Art of Taking Your Life as Your Teacher

The Daily Minder — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:24:08 +0000

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost

The day I finished school I packed my bags, borrowed some money from my mother and got on a plane to the Himalayas. I needed a teacher. I needed someone who could help guide me in my life, help me to make sense of the world I was living in. And after a few months of frightening train rides, painful illness and agonizing angst I found my teacher. As I sat there in a crowd of students listening to his talk I picked up on a very stark theme – you must become your own teacher.

Life gives you two options: learn or complain

As I get older I start to see that there are two types of people in this world. There are those who see the lessons and meaning in their life and there are those who complain. And its not just about optimism and pessimism. It goes deeper than that. Some people, for example, are naturally very pessimistic but when something goes wrong they choose to see it as a lesson. This is a very valuable trait to have and to develop.

Human experience is common. We are all different but in a way that makes us all the same. We all want to be happy and we all feel pain and sadness. Although the circumstances of our grief or our pleasure may differ the underlying experience is the same. We cry, we laugh and we die. The thing that differs is not what we feel but how we react to those feelings.

So here and now, as you sit reading this post, take a look back and see if you have been a learner or a complainer. Now is a good time to make a choice. Choose to learn from your life and its ups and downs. Promise not to complain and take the stance of a victim. Starting today you are going to take your life as your teacher.

Learning from suffering

photo credit: Carlos-Martínez

When you choose to take your life as your teacher the first thing you need to do is learn how to deal with and view suffering. Here are a few ideas that I have discovered over my life, perhaps they will resonate with you.

1. Don’t try to stop the suffering
For some warped reason most people think that happiness is the absence of suffering. They think that happiness only comes about when there are no problems going on in your life. This is a mistake. There will always be problems and your joyful moments will never last forever. Instead, happiness is when you view your problems and suffering in a new way. When you see suffering as an opportunity instead of a burden you will grow into a much happier person. Don’t try to stop the suffering, just learn to view it in a different way.

2. Only through suffering can you grow
Have you ever met someone who grew up in a rich family, was given everything they ever wanted and never had to fight for anything? Have you noticed how vacuous and empty they are? Have you witness how weak their spirit is? That is because they have never experienced any great suffering and as such they missed out on the only opportunity there is for true inner growth.

Suffering is a catalyst for change. It is only through suffering that you grow and learn lessons about yourself and the world around you. View suffering as a great friend because unlike anyone else you know, suffering can make you into a better person.

3. It is your only choice
This point may sound somewhat doomed but it is a reality. You really don’t have a choice; if you want to be happy in this world you need to view suffering in a new way. Suffering will always occur. Old age, sickness and death are inevitable and cannot be avoided. Armed with this knowledge you need to adopt a new, more open stance towards the darker times in your life.

Learning from happiness

photo credit: Perfecto Insecto

Life is not just suffering. There are many happy moments that occur from time to time. It is important to learn from these moments too – not just to let them fade away like a mirage or a dream. If you want to take your life as your teacher you need to look at the lessons of the happy times.

1. Everyone wants to be happy
When you experience happiness you feel wonderful and you want it to last forever. You hate it when the moment ends. One thing you can extract from this event is that everyone feels the same way as you do. Everyone wants to be happy and no one wants to experience pain and suffering. This is a wonderful method for developing compassion towards other living creatures. Next time you are laughing and having an amazing time cast your mind outwards and think about everyone else who wishes they were doing what you are.

2. Happiness doesn’t last
Whenever I write about impermanence I get emails from readers telling me to stop being so depressing. But I keep writing about it. Why? Because I truly believe that the idea of impermanence is something that everyone needs to be introduced to. Our parents rarely talk about it. It isn’t taught in school. But the one truth of this life is that nothing lasts, especially happiness.

When you are happy you need to live in the moment but you also need to let it go when it ends. Happy times can never last forever. Soon the people gathered at the party will part or the movie you are watching will end. But this is a source of great hope because you can be free of the suffering of change and loss if you are acutely aware that it will occur. Next time you are doing something that makes you happy remember that it is going to end and you won’t be as sad when it does.

3. Happiness is dependent upon others
In the west we spend so much time talking about “me” and “mine” that we often overlook the kindness of other people. When you begin to analyze and look at your life you will discover the 90% of the time your happiness is dependent upon others. This is a fantastic realization because it helps you to see how interconnected we all are.

Now, I am not saying that you need to rely on others to be happy. This is not some state where you are miserable whenever you are alone. That is not the point. What I am saying is that when you are happy it usually has something to do with other people. Think about how many people went into the production of a great movie. Without them you wouldn’t experience the joy of the cinema. Open up your mind and look at how kind other people have been to you. Life will become more joyful.

Conclusion

Life is one lessons after another. Some lessons are hard to learn, others are easy. But you really have no choice. If you want to be happy you need to view your life as a teacher or you will spend the rest of your days cursing all the mistakes, errors and pains that you experienced. Look at your ups and downs as a lesson. And if you have any tips or ideas to share please leave a comment.

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Ethical Dilemma #6: Should President Obama Meet the Dalai Lama?

The Daily Minder — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:53:43 +0000

photo credit: ctsnow

This week news came out saying that President Obama would be the first President since 1991 not to meet with the Dalai Lama while he is on tour in the United States. This has produced a mixed reaction from pundits, Tibet supporters and peace advocates around the world. Some people say that it shows weakness on the part of the United States while others believe that Obama is trying to build good relations with the Chinese Government before approaching the Tibetan issue.

This weeks ethical dilemma is:

Should President Barack Obama meet the Dalai Lama? Why has he chosen not to meet with him and do you think it was the right thing to do? What are the likely consequences of his decision?

This issue is likely to stir up a lot of emotions in readers as it is a mixture of politics, human rights debates and spirituality. Any comments that are overly aggressive or hate filled will be deleted (censored?). For example, I do not want people to just say bad things about the Chinese or American Governments without reason as I do not think that helps. I am interested to hear your opinions on this one as I myself have a few things to say.

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The Excuses Culture: Why We Protect Ourselves With Excuses

The Daily Minder — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 03:43:49 +0000

photo credit: sevenfloorsdown

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. – Benjamin Franklin

When was the last time you made a resolve to achieve something, set a deadline and then achieved it? Can you even remember the last time? I’m struggling. And the reason I am struggling to remember such a time is because of excuses. I make them for everything; consciously and unconsciously. Without noticing it, excuses have become a habit that I am struggling to shake.

In this post I want to talk about the excuses culture that we have develop within ourselves and why we use excuses to protect ourselves from feelings of failure and fear. Hopefully it will spur some readers out there into action.

Why we make excuses

Photo credit: Franzi in der Wiese

A few years ago I was sitting in the car with a friend of mine having a conversation (argument) about how I always seem to find a way out of things. At the end of the debate he said something that has stayed at the front of my mind, something that I think about whenever I am feeling like making an excuse. He said:

“You have always found things easy. You are good at everything. But you aren’t great at anything because you make excuses. You would rather be the ‘potential’ to be great than actually try and fail. And that is sad.”

He was right. All my life I have been naturally gifted at sport and academics. I didn’t have to work hard to get good. But I never really excelled at anything. I never worked really hard to become great at a certain activity. Why? Because I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of trying and not getting there.

My parents role in this habit
I never blame my parents for anything in my life. I simply do not feel like it is a productive exercise. But I can see how certain things they did impacted the way I turned out. And one of those things was how my mother always told me how amazing I could be. She would constantly tell me how smart I was, how good at soccer I was and how I could become something truly special.

But rather than spurring me on to excellence it seemed to do the opposite. I was comfortable being the potential for greatness. I was afraid to actually give it a shot for fear that I wasn’t actually as smart, talented and athletic as she thought. So I made excuses. Excuses so I wouldn’t have to try.

And we all do it. All the time.

Fear: the reason for most excuses
So why do we make excuses? Why do we find ways to get out of things? Well, for the most part, it is because we are afraid. We are afraid of trying and we are afraid of failing. We are afraid of change and we will do anything to keep the norm functioning. Fear is the reason most of us make excuses.

If you look deep into your own mind and your own behavior you will see that you make excuses to protect your sense of self. We spend our whole lives developing and ego and decorating it with friends and family and money and success and we will do anything to protect our concept of that self. Even if it makes us depressed and unfulfilled. And ultimately that is what excuses do, they make you feel unfulfilled.

How to stop making excuses and move forward

photo credit: Triphamr

People say that the hardest thing you will ever do is quit smoking. But quitting excuses is 10 times harder. Excuses are the reason you started smoking, drinking and eating bad food. You make an excuse not to be healthy and an excuse not to be happy. Breaking the excuse culture is damn hard work. Here are some things you can do.

1. Realize that you do it all the time
As always, you need to take a look at yourself and really truly realize that you make mistakes. Find concrete examples of where you have sabotaged your progress by making an excuse and remember that incident. Bring it to mind whenever you feel like doing it again.

2. Look at your (lack of) progress
Take a look at how much progress you have made with your meditation, athletics, mortgage repayments or family weekend time. See how many excuses you have made and how that has affected your progress is a very real way. Until you can see that it is doing damage you will have no real impetus to stop.

3. Realize that death is coming
People always send me emails saying that I am too depressing when I talk about death. I always reply saying “it is depressing not to talk about it”. For too long our species has made death a taboo subject when, in fact, it is the only thing in life that is certain. Understand that death is coming and that you have no time for excuses. Not any. Its too hot, too cold, too nice inside, I’m too tired, I have a headache… all of those sound like absolute bullshit when you are on your deathbed looking back at what you didn’t achieve.

4. Realize you do it out of fear
If you go up to a fat man in the street and tell him that he is a coward he will probably punch you in the face. Men don’t like to be considered afraid, but that is exactly what we are. We make excuses because we are afraid. Why, then, do we still do it? If someone told us that we were afraid of something else we would do everything in our power to change and prove that we are brave. Do that now with excuses. Prove that you are not afraid of failure, change or losing the norm.

5. Be different in five years time
How different are you now to five years ago? Are you more loving, compassionate, patient, strong, rich, happy, thin, etc.? Take a look at whatever goal you have in your life and see how much closer you are to it now than you were five years ago. If you can say you are happy with your progress then chances are you don’t have a problem with excuses. If you are almost exactly the same then you can bet your right eye on the fact that you are stagnant because you are sabotaging your progress by saying “its too hard” or “its too cold outside”. Be different in five years time and stop making excuses.

Do you make excuses?

I would love to know how many of my readers consider themselves to be excuse makers. What kind of excuses do you come up with and how (if at all) have you dealt with them? Have your excuses held you back from being all that you can be? And how have you felt the weight of this “potential” slowing you down in life? Is it easier to not try?

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Ethical Dilemma #5 – Would You Lie?

The Daily Minder — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:05:56 +0000

photo credit: DarkB4Dawn

The last four ethical dilemmas have been really popular and some amazing discussions and insights have resulted. I really like asking these questions because I learn a lot about my readers as well as the topic we are discussing.

Today’s ethical dilemma stems from some thoughts I have thinking about the absolute nature of ethics. Many people who practice and study ethics seem to think that there is no room for movement when it comes to practicing morality. But I’m not so sure. Read this dilemma, have a think and leave a comment with your thoughts. I will be really interested to hear your ideas.

You are out for a walk one night and you see a man running towards you. He looks terrified, stressed and panicked. He comes up to you with tears in his eyes and says, “I am going to hide right here. I can’t run anymore. I didn’t do anything wrong. Please, promise me you won’t tell them where I am!” So you promise the man, he hides behind a bush and you keep walking.

Ten seconds later four men turn the corner where the panicked man had come from and head towards you. As they get closer you see that they are, indeed, police officers. They walk up to you and ask if you have seen the man they were chasing. What do you do? Do you lie? Why?

I have been thinking about this one a little bit today and I will share my thoughts once all of the regular readers have weighed in. I will be really interested to see what people come up with to justify their actions. Go for it!

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Technology: The Reason You are Stressed, Depressed and Bored

The Daily Minder — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:36:09 +0000

photo credit: Bert Kommerij

“In Tibet you would send a letter and not expect a reply for six months. Now if people send an email and don’t get a reply in 30 seconds they get angry.” – Tai Situ

How long can you go without checking your email? If you find a juicy bit of gossip do you have to Tweet it to everyone you know? Do you SMS more than you talk? Most of us do.And it is making us stressed, depressed and utterly bored with life.

In this post I want to talk about how I believe technology is causing us a lot of problems. In particular I hope the parents reading this will carefully consider the impact all this technology is having on their children.

What technology?

I am going to refer to “technology” a lot in this post so I thought I should clear up what I am talking about. Basically I am referring to media like Twitter, Facebook, iPhones and iPods, Blackberrys, etc. Technology that is providing entertainment. I am not referring to advances in medicine, international travel, etc.

The iPhone, the cafe and addiction

A few days ago I was sitting in a cafe waiting for a friend. I noticed that a lot of people were sitting alone and almost every one of them had an iPhone or Blackberry. Every new visitor to the cafe sat down and within 20 second was flipping away on the phone looking for apps, news or Twitter.

This, to me, is the epitome of the problem with technology – we cannot live without it. This media has become so addictive and we have come to rely on it so much, we wouldn’t know how to live without the constant stimulation. And therein lies the problem.

Technology and its links to stress, depression and boredom

photo credit: PaperThinSerge

We are constantly stimulated by technology. We are constantly in need of a “hit” and over time that need escalates, just like the need for a drug. We are addicted to technology and it is causing stress, depression and boredom. Here’s why:

Technology and stress
The reason I believe technology is causing us to be stresses is simple – we are speeding up too much. Our lives are lived in a constant rush and this is majorly caused by advancing technologies. Think about the news; 10 years ago if you wanted news you had to wait for the evening report or the paper in the morning. Now if you want news you go on Twitter to see if there is any Trending Topics or you jump on your mobile to see what the latest news app is saying. Its fast.

And while I can see the upsides to this (great access to information, etc.) I am also acutely aware that it is causing people problems. They cannot go for very long without an update. They feel like everything has to be done at a cracking pace. And they get stressed when they haven’t had a hit in a while.

Leo Babauta over at Zen Habits has a new eBook out which is all about living simply with minimal clutter. This is what he is talking about. All the technology and speed that we have in our lives is making us stressed and the sad thing is, we don’t need to be.

Technology and depression
The relationship between technology and depression is more subtle but I wanted to write about it because I have experienced it myself. I would love to hear some reader feedback about this one.

As my long time readers will know, I used to be a bit of a gamer. My brother and I would spend hours play Call of Duty, Counter Strike and even World of Warcraft. But after a while we both started noticing something – we were depressed. There was a really empty feeling that just wouldn’t go away. After a while we linked it to the games because we realized that we were so overstimulated and when the games were off we hit a low; kind of like a sugar hit that inevitably leads to a crash. But it was more long lasting and powerful.

And media and technology are like that. We are constantly Tweeting, Facebooking and listening to music that when it all stops at the end of the day we feel depressed. Our senses finally get a moment to relax and we feel terrible. We feel alone. I think that technology is making a lot of us depressed.

Technology and boredom
The last one is obvious as it is closely tied in with the other two. Technology is making us bored. Why? Because we need bigger and bigger hits. Listening to music is no longer exciting, we need a massive show or an LCD screen in our music player. The addition to stimulation is escalating.

I actually think this phenomena is quite dangerous as the younger generation now needs bigger hits to be entertained. The simple pleasures in life are no longer enough because they have experienced amazing things all the time from such a young age. I think it has a lot to do with why drugs and alcoholism are so prevalent. But I could be wrong.

Next time you have a break from work become aware of what you want to do. I am betting you shy away from relaxing and sitting back and grab for a phone, a TV or some Facebook action. Being still and alone is no longer enough for us.

Creating a need, not solving a problem

The interesting thing about this media and technology is that the new innovations do not solve a problem or need, they create one. In the old days marketing firms would sit down and think about some problems that people had and then try to create a technology to solve that problem. Not anymore! Now they create technologies and make us feel like we need it. In fact, I now think that these things create more problems than they solve.

What do you think?

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How to Become a Better Husband, Boyfriend or Life Partner

The Daily Minder — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 08:50:44 +0000

photo credit: vph.photo

This article is not particularly insightful. Nor is it all that authoritative. I am not claiming to be the world’s best husband – far from it. But one thing I can attest to is that I am always trying to be better for my lady. I never forget that our relationship is something that needs to grow and change and be worked on.

In this post I am going to tell you all the most important things I know about being a good husband, boyfriend or life partner. Some of these I figured out myself, others I learned by trying to do the opposite of what my father did.

NOTE – This post is for the men out there. Ladies, perhaps you can read it too and if you like it email it to your man.

The role that always changes

The first thing that you need to know if you want to be a good husband is that things change. Your partner changes, you change, your life situation changes. And because these changes take place without warning you constantly need to evolve as a man and as a partner. If you aren’t willing to change who you are (or think you are) then you are going to run into trouble in your relationship.

That being said, being a good husband is not about bending to your wife’s every whim. Not at all. In fact, she wouldn’t like it if you did that. A good woman will always want you to be true to yourself and to do what makes you happy. But she will expect you to change when change is required, and rightly so.

The reason I wrote “become” instead of “be” in the title is because this is a role that is always changing. The job is never finished. The good husband, boyfriend or life partner will always see that there is work to be done on his relationship and his self. Please take this to heart.

How to become a better husband, boyfriend or life partner

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photo credit: elyse patten

I would like to share some tips with you now in the hope that they will impact your relationship in some positive way. Sadly I have not had that many great male role models in my life so my idea of what a husband should or should not do is something that is constantly changing. If anyone out there knows better than me or has some insight into what a husband really is I would love to read your comments.

1. Learn to listen, but not just to her words
One of the best things my life partner has taught me (indirectly) is that a man needs to listen to a woman on many levels, not just her speech. By the time she has to tell you to do something you have often already missed several hints that she has been giving you. If you want to be a good husband you need to learn what these hints are.

Take the dishes as a really simple example. My mother used to cook dinner ever single night for my father, my brother and me and every single night my father would “forget” to help with the dishes. Now my mother never asked him to help because she knew he was tired from work but she quietly would have loved him to offer his help as thanks for a lovely meal. After dinner she would always be grumpy. On the odd occasion that dad did help with the dishes she would be a different woman; happy engaging and gentle.

Being a good husband means listening, not just to her words, but to her more quiet signals. Every woman is different and communicates in different ways and as her best friend it is your job to figure them out.

2. Suggest and create excellent communication habits
After reading the first point you might be thinking, “why can’t she just tell me what she wants?” That is fine. If you have spent a lot of time talking to your wife and creating a relationship where she can openly ask you to do something without feeling like she is nagging then that is excellent. Wait for her to tell you. Mostly, however, your wife will say she shouldn’t HAVE to ask you, you should just do it. This is where communication comes in.

Becoming a good husband means creating excellent communication habits. Sometimes this is hard. Sometimes in the heat of anger you won’t want to communicate. But a good husband tries to. A good husband will find out why you have got to the point of getting angry and create a solution. Let’s look at an example, again borrowed from my father and mother.

Say you go out on Thursday night with your friends for a beer after work. Your wife is at home cooking dinner and as such it would be nice if you got home by 7.30pm to eat together. But it doesn’t always work out like that and sometimes you don’t get home until late. When you get home you wonder why she is grumpy and you ask her things like, “what’s wrong?” and “did you have a bad day?” which only makes things worse. At the end you give up, yell at her and go to bed.

No solution.

A better way to do things is to use your brain and find out what is eating at her. Does it happen every Thursday? Yes. Well then perhaps it has something to do with the beers after work. Okay, now we are getting somewhere. Next you should sit her down on a nice Sunday afternoon and ask her whether you had upset her by being late for dinner. If she says “yes” then apologize and then promise to communicate with her better the next time (i.e. phoning if you are going to be late). Also, gently suggest that she be more open with her feelings because you would never intentionally upset her.

Opening the communication and creating good communication habits will save your marriage. Be creative. Don’t say “what’s wrong woman” and expect her to tell you and then be cool with it. Take some responsibility and create a solution. If my father did this I imagine their relationship would have worked out a lot differently. This has a lot to do with how much he respected my mother.

3. Don’t lose your sense of individuality
This is not something that you ever get told by your parents but it is something that is so important I had to write about it. Don’t lose your sense of individuality. Don’t become one of those couples that merges into one. A marriage is not a melding of two people; it is two individuals coming together. If you lose that individuality you lose something special.

photo credit: Bryan Bruchman

Quite often I see people get together and then give up their hobbies, past times and interests because they are all absorbed in their partner. Within a few months or years the relationship is over (or in chaos) because they are bored with each other. They gave up their individuality.

There is a quote in Buddhism that says, “If you spend enough time with a person you will see only their faults. Even if you were with the Buddha himself you would find something not to like“. This happens in relationships when you give up your individuality and just live as if you were one person. Remember, when you first met each other you had other things going on (reading, sports, music, poetry, friends, etc.) and this is partly why you were attracted to each other. So why give them up?

Sometimes it is hard to keep your hobbies and past times going because work is so full on and you hardly get to see each other but you must try. You must make a concerted effort to spend time apart every week and do something for yourselves. You will be much happier as a couple if you do.

4. Never hit, swear at or yell at your wife
It might seem obvious to some people but other people seem to miss the memo. It is never okay to hit, swear at or yell at your wife. If you get to a point where you find that yelling is the only answer then you have made a mistake somewhere along the line and need to go back and fix it up.

Sometimes I go out with my mates and talk about our partners and wives. Inevitably one of them will bring up “fights with the missus” and talk about how sometimes you need to yell at your wife to assert your authority. My internal reaction to this is always “no you don’t”. She is not a dog that needs to be trained by showing your dominance. She is your life partner, your best friend and your lover. Hitting, swearing and yelling are forms of degradation and not fit for this person.

For all the men out there who think that yelling is necessary I understand where you are coming from. I know the place you are in, I have been there. But I would like to offer you a quote that has stood by me through thick and thin with my lady. This quote was offered to me by my yogi friend when we were discussing marriage back in India.

“The real measure of a man is by how quickly he gets angry.”

You will not show your dominance by yelling at your wife. All you will show her is that you have a weak will and a low level of patience. Then man she would really respect is the one that can stand up for himself without resorting to bullying. The real man is one who can keep his calm in battle, sport and love. Please think about this.

5. Show creative leadership
Now before you start sending me nasty emails, I do not not think that the male is the leader in the relationship. I am well aware that men and women are equals and have always thought this to be the case. One thing I have learned, however, is that your partner will love you all the more (and find you more attractive) when you can show creative leadership in the relationship. Let’s look at an example.

You have both had a big day, just arrived home and are pretty hungry for dinner. But there is nothing in the pantry. Quite often you will both sit around umming and ahhhing and thinking about what to have. Should we get take away or should be be good and cook? However, instead of sitting around and wondering, a creative leader would make an assertive decision and then get it done. No fuss. No mucking around. Just action.

Scientifically speaking women are programmed to like this behavior as it shows strength and survival skills. But more than that is takes away a layer of stress. If you can show some creative leadership when she isn’t feeling at her best she will really appreciate the input. It might be dishes, a conversation over dinner, the color of the new paint or a solution for a problem she is having. Once you start doing this for her you will notice how often she has been doing it for you!

6. Love her, but not just with words
A big theme in this post is that you must be a husband in more than just words. Words are empty if they are no backed up with meaning and action. The same is true of love. You could tell her that you love her 1000 times a day but it means absolutely zero if you then turn around and ignore her.

photo credit: Amanda M Hatfield

A good husband will find new ways to love his wife. He will listen to her stories, ask her about her day, value her input in the house and in your life and always make sure she feels that appreciation. Tell her how much you admire her actions and who she is becoming as a woman. But don’t do it if you do mean it; make sure the words have meaning. If you can find a way to connect the words with an action that shows you are serious she will love you forever.

7. Don’t beg for sex, create the moment
A real man will never have sex with his wife when she doesn’t want to. Unfortunately, sex is such a big part of a relationship if problems start to occur the relationship can get a bit rocky. One piece of advice that I can give you is that a good sexual partner creates the circumstances for enjoyable sex, he never asks or begs for it. If she isn’t into it then you need to be patient.

Conclusion

Being a good husband, boyfriend or life partner is something that is constantly evolving. You cannot just sit back, do nothing and hope for it all to work out for the best. Try to love her with more than just words, be creative and create some really clear communication habits. And never hit her. Ever.

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The Great Stress Lie: Finding the Real Cause of Your Stress

The Daily Minder — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 04:22:11 +0000

photo credit: the|G|™

“Instead of trying to cover the whole world with leather, put on some sandals.” – Shantideva

Stress. Tight throat, saw jaw, headaches and an uneasy stomach. It is everywhere you look and in everyone you know. Some people experience mild cases of it whilst others need to spend half their Wednesday in a shrink’s armchair. Some people are good at dealing with it while others struggle to get out of bed. Whole industries are perpetuated by the great lie of stress; a bunch of professionals telling you that you should be stressed.

But there is something you need to know; something no one bothered to teach us in school:

Stress is not a real thing. And its cause isn’t what you think it is.

In this post I am going to show you that stress not real and that its causes are actually inner events, not outer ones. Hopefully someone out there will find some benefit in my ramblings.

The great stress lie: stress is a real thing

We are all conditioned to believe that stress is a real thing. We are told that it can make you sick and that your problems are all due to the stress you are feeling. Over time we have become so accustomed to blaming stress that we have given it a solid reality. It is like a bad person that follows us around.

But is it as real as we think? I don’t think so.

Stress does not have a baseball bat in its hand. Stress is not a murderer or a rapist. Stress has no color or shape or location. Stress is a figment of your imagination. Stress is created in your head, like a dream. And like a dream, it is possible to ‘wake up’ from stress-ridden life. And the way you do that is by tackling the true causes. Read on.

The lion and the dog: outer and inner causes

photo credit: Mark Turner

We all know what stress feels like. Its dreadful. And we all know what triggers our stress. It could be money worries, marital problems or a fear of sickness. There are literally millions of different outer causes for you to be stressed. It would be impossible to eliminate them all.

So what about the inner ones? Would it perhaps be more intelligent to look at the inner causes of stress and learn to deal with that? I think so. Instead of trying to control the whole world we could look inside and learn to deal with our own reactions. Perhaps then we might get somewhere.

To use a wonderful Buddhist analogy, the issue of stress is like throwing a rock at a lion and a dog. When you throw a rock at a dog the dog will chase the rock. When you throw a rock at a lion the lion will kill you! We need to be like the lion. Instead of chasing after all the rocks in life we need to tackle the root cause.

The inner causes of stress

photo credit: Evil Erin

So what are the inner causes of stress? It is a very interesting and expansive topic. In fact, it is impossible to address the issue in its entirety in a simple blog post. Many great philosophers and scientists have dedicated their whole life to this topic. But we can give a general overview. That’s what I will try to do. As always, if you have anything to add I would love to read your comments.

1. Self cherishing
The first and most powerful cause of stress is the world is something called “self cherishing”. Self cherishing is rampant in our world and it is something that is even encouraged in many societies, especially western ones. At school kids are told that they are most important and in the media we are told to “get ours” before we help others.

But self cherishing always brings pain. We create this massive ego in our life times. We educate it and feed it and give it sensual pleasure. But we never stop for a second to consider whether we are actually creating the causes for happiness. Many meditation masters refer to this phenomena as “licking honey off a razor”. Sure it tastes good at first but sooner or later you realize you have made a mistake.

Stress comes about due to self cherishing. Putting ourselves before others. Thinking of our own needs before considering what would help another person. Take a look around you, the people who are the most stressed are the ones who are most self obsessed. Those who are less stressed usually have more compassion and concern for the welfare of their friends and families.

If we spend all day thinking about “me” we will soon start stressing about how we can best protect that ego.

2. Fear
The next true cause of stress is fear. Humans fear the loss of the known. We fear losing our wealth, families and status. We fear a lot of things. Quite often you will find you are stressed because you are afraid of something.

As you have probably noticed, fear has a lot to do with self cherishing. If you cherish your self more than others you will soon start to fear losing what you have built up over your life time. My parents do this a lot. My father fears losing his status as a business man so he constantly stresses about work. My mother fears losing security so she constantly stresses about bills and marriage issues.

But there is something quite remarkable about putting others before yourself. You develop a keen and powerful sense of bravery. And bravery helps you deal with stress in a way that you often don’t even know its there. Take a look at a doctor or a firefighter. Their only concern is to help others; sick people and people caught in fires. They put themselves aside and they act solely for the welfare of others. And how brave are they? Incredibly. Stress becomes a very minor concern for these people.

How to beat your stress

photo credit: epbourgois

So far we have learned some important things that will help us deal with our daily stresses.

Firstly, we know that stress is not real. It is not a solid entity that can hurt or control you. It is in your mind and anything that is in your mind can be changed, controlled and manipulated.

Secondly, we have learned that the real cause of stress is not outer events like work, bills or sickness. It is the inner events like self cherishing and fear.

So how do we put all this information together and beat our stress? Well it is really quite simple. You need to learn to look directly at your stress. Consider your stress to be strange figure in a dark room. It frightens you because it looks real and intimidating. Now consider your awareness to be a flashlight. When you shine the light on the figure you see that it is just the curtain blowing in the wind or a pile of clothes on the floor. It is not real in the way you thought it was.

The very act of becoming aware of stress and its lack of reality will make you less stressed. This is a very powerful method.

What do you think?

Are you convinced? Do you think stress is something that has its causes inside us or do you think that stress is directly linked to the external world. Do you feel like you could try and get rid of self cherishing and fear using your awareness or will you still need something more? I would love to hear your opinions.

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Growing Up: The Train That Can Never Stop

The Daily Minder — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 06:27:55 +0000

photo credit: joesflickr

I’m 24 years old. I’m in the North Indian Himalayas. I’m sitting down for a private audience with one of Tibet’s most revered Buddhist teachers. After telling him how attached I am to my mother he looks at me straight in the eyes, smiles and gently says, “Well, you have to grow up now“. No seven words have ever hit me so hard.

This post is dedicated to all you people out there who are struggling with bitter sweet agony of growing up. I hope it gives you something to think about.

John Mayer and the train that can never stop

If you follow me on Twitter you will probably know that I am a fan of John Mayer. John is one of those rare artists that has an innate ability to put certain life situations into words. In fact, before I started listening to Mayer I would have argued that many of these emotions, desperate mental dramas and secret inner quandaries were unable to be described in ordinary language. They are simply too experiential to be categorized.

But John manages to. John reconnects me to those mental places with his lyrics. He does it time and time again. And although I am desperately trying to avoid these emotions (because they hurt), I find myself listening to Mayer again and again because it reminds me I am not unique. These emotions are, for the most part, universal to all humans. I have to thank John for that.

One John Mayer song that is not particularly critically acclaimed or even well liked amongst his fans is called Stop This Train. It is a song that, whenever I hear it, sends me back to that terrifying place of knowing that, really, we are alone growing up in this world. But, at the same time, it connects you with a feeling of hope because you aren’t the only one in that situation.

I ask everyone reading this post to watch an incredible solo performance of John singing this song here while taking a look at the lyrics here. Take five minutes out of your day to experience this song and everything it means to you because it gives this article a lot of context.

Crying, driving away in the dark

photo credit: englishsnow

There comes a point in everyone’s life when they realize there is no turning back. In the song Mayer uses the metaphor of driving away from his parents house, crying, in the dark. We have all had that moment. It might have been when you moved out or when you realized that you could beat your dad at table tennis. For a lot of people it manifests as an extremely empty and hollow realization.

The interesting thing is that some people are more equipped for this moment than others. Some people shut down and start to compensate for this lost youth in negative ways. Others embrace it and look forward to the future. Some people do both. But this moment is pivotal because it is the start of your adulthood. How you deal with this moment has a lot to do with whether you ever really grow up at all – and a lot of people don’t.

How to move forward and grow up

photo credit: afsilva

I am not professing to have all the answers. I still struggle all the time with the idea that I am no longer at home with my mum eating her cooking and asking her for $10 to buy lunch with. I still struggle with the fact that she is going to die one day.

But since my conversation with that Buddhist Lama I have made some headway. I am stepping out on my own more and I am starting to enjoy it. Here are some tips on how to grow up well. Tips on how to drive away in the dark knowing that you are going to make it.

1. Accept it as soon as you can
Something you are going to need to do eventually is accept that there is no going back. You will have to accept this to grow up well. You can put it off or you can stand up tall and do it now. There is never any going back to the old days. The old days are like a dead person and you cannot revive a dead person no matter how much you long for them.

I encourage everyone who is struggling to grow up to accept fact that the past is gone and it is never coming back. Move forward. Its all you have.

2. Give up the memory reliving
If you are a healthy adult who has dealt with the growing up process well then there is nothing wrong with a little nostalgic reminiscing. But if you are buying sports cars, having affairs, trying to relive your youth or struggling with the depression of getting old then these memories can drive you mad. You need to give them up.

One of my worst traits is that I think to much. This inability to quiet my mind was one of the main reasons I was struggling to grow up. I would constantly play out the old days in my head, wishing, praying that I could go back to high school when things were simpler. But after I was gently told to “grow up” by my teacher I decided that it was time to leave these things behind and move on. And I have never been so happy.

The best way you can do this is by starting to become a little better at mediation. You don’t have to sit on a cushion and close your eyes but you do have to start becoming friends with your mind. Learn to watch your thoughts. Learn how they arise and subside without leaving any trace at all. When you do this they cease to control you.

3. Find out the cause
Often the pain associated with growing up can be linked to something else. Why are you feeling like this? Why are you missing the old days? If you can find another cause you might be able to get on top of those feelings.

For example, if you are really stressed because you think your wife is cheating on you then, undoubtedly, you are going to be longing for the old days where life was more simple. In this situation it isn’t the growing up that is causing the problem, it is some ancillary factor. Find out what is bringing these thoughts up and deal with it as soon as possible.

4. Don’t recreate
Trying to recreate the old days by going out with your mates all the time, skirting your responsibilities to your family, etc. is not going to solve the issue. A lot of people (men in particular) deal with the issue by not dealing with it. It is tempting here to grab you by your shirt collar and shake you while yelling, “Grow the F up man!” But of course that wouldn’t help.

We need to have a sense of honor in these situations by accepting the fact that we aren’t dealing with the problem very well. Trying to recreate the good ole days is not useful, nor will it make you feel better. As soon as you get in the cab to go home you will be back to that empty space. Recreating is living in the past and the past is a dead person. Remember?

5. Find good company
You are shaped in a big way by the people around you. If you are surrounded by 30 year old men who still wear their school jackets and go out drinking every night then you are going to go down with them. If, however, you hang out with people who are making progress, living and really trying to better themselves then you too will begin to move forward.

Finding good company is a massive part of growing up. It is a stark and bitter day when you realize that most of your buddies from high school are assholes and that you need new mates. You feel extremely alone. You have to find new people. But you will. And when you do you will be so much better off. Of course not everyone’s buddies from school are assholes. But a lot of the time they will hold you back because, as a group, you can just stay alive in the past.

6. Understand that things change
When the 16th Karmapa was on his death bed his students asked him to sum up his life’s experience and wisdom into one small teaching. After a brief pause he turned to them and simple said, “Things change”.

These two words are the quintessence of growing up. These two simple words summarize everything that you need to know about life. Things change and when you fail to grasp that truth you suffer. Nothing lasts and nothing stays the same. Embrace that chaos and find some peace by letting go.

Conslusion

So you have two options. You can fight to stop the train or you can go with it. As corny and cliche as it sounds, you really have to learn how to cope because there is no going back. Your youth is gone and all you have is now and, if you are lucky, the future. Have you grown up yet?

If you have any advice to give anyone or if you yourself have struggled with growing up please leave a comment and share your experience. It might really help someone.

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How to Live Longer: The Buddhist Practice of Saving Life

The Daily Minder — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 05:18:34 +0000

photo credit: BarefootAdrianne

“No thing is as dear to someone as his or her own life, so no greater crime is there than taking life away. And no conditioned virtue brings greater merit than the act of saving beings and ransoming their lives.” – Chatral Rinpoche.

Many years ago in the Himalayas I met a Buddhist master who was a practitioner of tsethar; a Buddhist practice that involves saving the lives of animals. Buddhists assert that saving the lives of animals that are doomed to be killed increases ones lifespan, protects from certain illnesses and helps to remove obstacles in your life.

Over time I have come to appreciate this practice more and more and today I decided I would share it with you in the hope that some of you decide to take it up. It truly is one of the most beneficial things you will ever do with your time and money.

How does one perform this practice?

As far as practices go, this one is the easiest. You need no special training or implements, just a bit of cash and some spare time. The traditional way to carry out this type of activity is make sure you do three things:

The beginning: generate a compassionate motivation
The first thing you need to do is develop some sort of compassionate motivation. For example, if you know someone who is sick you might generate the motivation that you are doing this practice to help them get better and live a longer life. Or, you might do the practice with the idea that you simply want to free sentient beings from suffering and fear and be a protector for those who need protection.

The traditional Buddhist motivation is called bodhicitta. Bodhicitta is the wish that all beings will one day be free from suffering and never separated from happiness. When you arouse the motivation of bodhicitta you are also developing the warrior-like mentality of bravery; you yourself are going to free sentient beings from suffering without any help from anyone else.
The middle: Maintain a good attitude
During the practice itself you should try to remember your motivation and not let too many self-centered thoughts enter your mind. This ensures that you really work with your mind and leave some positive imprints on your mental continuum. You should also try to concentrate single pointedly on what you are doing and not let your mind wander off too far.
The end: make vast aspirations and dedications
Buddhists assert that good actions need to be dedicated to positive causes. This ensures that the merit is not wasted. At the end of this practice you should sit down for a few minutes and make as many vast and compassionate aspirations as you can. For example, you might dedicate saving the lives of these animals to the long life of you and your family members, the removal of disease and suffering in our society and the culmination of world peace. Or you might dedicate it to someone specific who is suffering from cancer or some serious illness.

The dedication is super important. The bigger the better. Many of my teachers have said that during the dedication one should be as assertive and free thinking as possible; it is no time to be humble.

If you follow these simple guidelines I am confident that your practice of releasing lives will be extremely beneficial for yourself and others. Spending the afternoon purchasing and releases animals is an extremely joyous occasion and lots of fun for everyone involves.

What types of animals should I use?

photo credit: Hendricks Photos

Short answer: it doesn’t matter. Any living creature that is about to be cooked or killed is suitable for this practice. Some animals that Buddhist monasteries use in this practice include:

Fish from Chinese restaurants and fish markets
If you go in to almost any Chinese restaurant or fish market you will see tens of big fish swimming in the tank ready to be killed and served on a dish. These are perfect animals to free. Some times there will be crabs, lobster and eels – all suitable for this practice.
Crickets from pet stores
Many pet stores now sell crickets that are bred to be fed to lizards and snakes. Often you can get 100 crickets for $5! That is a lot of positive karma.
Chickens from battery farms and suppliers
Although the chickens from battery farms are not killed for food, they do live horrible lives in tiny cages. I am certain that there is a lot of good done every time one of these birds is taken from its cell to a nice big backyard pen.

Obviously you don’t want to go and buy a pet puppy and let it go in the woods. That isn’t the point! The point is to free animals who are about to have their life taken as the karma is considered to be especially potent.

It is extremely important, however, to only release animals that are native to the local environment. A lot of harm can be done by foreign fish when released into local waters. Here in Australia we have lost hundreds of local species of fish because English Carp were introduced into our rivers a hundred years ago. Make sure you do your research before letting animals go. Make sure they are locals.

The benefits of saving lives

There are many Buddhist texts out there that speak of some incredible benefits relating to this practice. Some of main ones include extending your life and the lives of others, healing and in some cases curing serious diseases, removing obstacles that are holding you back in life and so on. The main benefit (from a Buddhist point of view) is that you will create the causes to attain enlightenment in the very near future.

The Dalai Lama and other masters on saving lives
His Holiness the Dalai Lama has spoken of this practice many times, especially in his autobiography Freedom in Exile. In it he tells the story of how he would spend all monastery’s money as a young boy by purchasing sheep that were about the be slaughtered for meat. Thousands of sheep were spared the knife. At the end of the story he recounts that later in his life he saw in his meditation that this practice actually increased his life and will be a cause for him to live a long time.

One Buddhist master, Chatral Rinpoche, has been particularly outspoken on the issue of saving the lives of animals. He believes it should be a regular activity for all Buddhists and anyone who cares about living creatures. Here is a short poem he composed about the issue. And here is another text by a master called DoDrupchen on the benefits of saving animals. Finally, here is a fantastic resource on how to be creative with this practice as instructed by the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa.

My own experiences
I have been doing this practice for a few years now and every time I do it I enjoy it more. It is quite special knowing that you have freed living creatures from certain death, and, to be honest, I don’t really care if my life is extended or not. Knowing that I have done something positive for some helpless creature is enough for me.

That being said, my friends and I have done this practice on a large scale at several important junctions in our life. When my best friend had stage four cancer a few years ago we released a lot of animals. Things turned out a lot better than we had expected. He is in remission now.

Conclusion

I really do believe in the power of this activity. I would be extremely happy if only a handful of our community here at The Daily Mind took up this practice and dedicated the merit towards the peace and well being of all living creatures. If you do free some animals please stop back and leave a comment and let us know how it went.

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Ethical Dilemma #4 – Would You Take the Heat?

The Daily Minder — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 01:09:28 +0000

photo credit: Mutasim Billah Pritam [EWU]

The last ethical dilemma was a really good one. We had lots of fantastic responses; some more insightful than others. In the end, only one person picked out that the person might not have even been an Arab. You can check it out here (towards the end of the comments).

Today’s ethical dilemma is a situation that some of you might have been in although not in the same circumstances. Please leave a comment and let us know how you would react.

You are at work. You sit next to a man named John. John just lost his wife, custody of his kids and has been kicked out of his home. He is on anti-depressants. He is constantly stressed, panicked, etc. But he is a nice guy. His wife left him for another man.

One day your manager comes around to John’s desk in a rage stating that he was supposed to hand up a report two days ago. The manager is screaming at John to explain why he shouldn’t just fire him on the spot. You know you could take the blame and save John. Do you take the heat and say it is your fault? Why? Why not?

I am really interested in the reasons behind your actions here. Do people still throw themselves on the “grenade” for their team mates? Or is that attitude a thing of the past? Let us know.