The Daily Monoblogue

Heellloooooooooooo

2011-05-04T10:26:00.006-05:00

Jerry Seinfeld.

A man, a plan, a show, about nothing. Mr. Seinfeld started as a comedian in Jerry Seinfeld has been a personal hero to me for a large portion of my post-childhood life. I can safely say I've seen 90% of all of his shows, and have laughed through each and every one of them.

This post is dedicated to the one and only Mr. Seinfeld because on Friday, JerrySeinfeld.com will go live. His new website is a digital archive of all of his standup that he deemed worthwhile to be timeless in the interconnected world of the internet. Whey asked why he wanted to put all of his work online, Seinfeld answered, "I really thought, 'Where's my stuff going to be when I'm dead? Is it just gone for all time? Who could sift through it? I though, I should filter this out and be the judge of what I thought was good" (New York Times). That means hours about hours upon hours of videos of a Mr. Seinfeld's work on his new website. Some stuff even dates back to 1977. Ancient.

Good luck Mr. Seinfeld. At least it seems that collecting cars and trying to ensure that your collection is timeless at a point in your life where you realized you're own mortality--just like Leo Tolstoy. Your "Confessions" is jerryseinfeld.com. Congrats.

Your moment of zazen.

"Hey, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead." - Dug from the Motion Picture UP.

Dumb Terrorists

2011-05-02T21:48:00.001-05:00

By the time you read this, I'm sure you will know--like the rest of the world--that Osama bin Laden (OBL) was killed and his body is in US custody. It's amazing that nearly ten years after the worst attack on American soil, a true terrorist has finally been captured.

On interesting thing regarding this whole story was that I--as well as many of my friends--first heard of the breaking story through the news medium of Twitter. Pretty cool. I found out a good 45 minutes before my parents. Another interesting thing, a guy named Sohaib Athar from Abbottabad was actually live blogging a top secret military information on his Twitter account (@ReallyVirtual) https://twitter.com/#!/ReallyVirtual. Whoops...

When I first checked his Twitter account last night, he had less than 10,000 followers. Now he has over 83,000. Speaking of Twitter, a lot of my friends hate on me for having a Twitter account, but that's how I initially found out about Osama's (#OBL) death. Not the New York Times, not TV, not the radio. Twitter. Not to emulate Greg Downey's love of social media and technology, but that's pretty awesome.

Your moment of zazen.

Mifflin

2011-04-30T14:10:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone.

Firstly, I would like to say thanks for being active readers of this stupid rambling. I don't even know who is still reading anymore except for Voj... And probably not even her. Voj, I'm gonna get you and put you on some spaghetti with some sauce. Yum.

This blog has gone global. I have "readers" in China, South Africa, the UK, India, and elsewhere. So thank you for making that possible. I don't really know if you are reading it or just looking at the stupid pictures that I put up here in the moments of zazen (and many a moments there are). If you have ever read such a moment, put your hands up in the aiiiirrrrr, ay-ay-aiiirrrrr.

Today is something more than a minor day in UW's calendar. Today, my friends, is as some would say the "holiday" of Mifflin. For those of you who are ignorant or otherwise aren't in tune with the "big" days in UW's calendar, today is the Mifflin Street Block Party. Started in 1969 as protests on Mifflin Street (every big day here originates with a protest...typical Madison) against the Vietnam War (or lack of tortillas after ordering fajitas), Mifflin has become a weekend attracting students from all over campus and the country ever since.

What people do when they get to Mifflin Street is beyond me. I think there are concerts and what not. Otherwise, I guess it gives the campus an opportunity to come together and have a big party. Just a word of advice for the newbies, don't pet the police horses because you can be arrested for assault of a police officer. Unfortunately, instead of being on Mifflin Street with the rest of UW, I'm stuck in the library typing up a report summarizing a lecture on debunking common assumptions and proofs of the dead sea scrolls and in the community of Qumran. I had to go to this dead sea scrolls/Qumran lecture for one of my classes. The lecture was actually really interesting, but I'd rather be back in bed considering the music started pumping out of two large speakers at about 7:30 or 8:00 this morning.

No word on if I had mono last year or not. I kind of hope I did, otherwise this blog has been a huge sham. Oops...

Your moment of zazen.

My Life is a Sham

2011-04-21T22:50:00.000-05:00

We interrupt this program with some breaking news.

------------

I may have not had mono last year. More details to come.

Slowly But Shirley

2011-04-20T03:08:00.000-05:00

Getting better slowly, but surely. And stop calling me Shirley... Aiming to be back in Madison tomorrow. My fingers are crossed. Yours should be too, so if they aren't, help a brother out. Happy passover. Bread in T - 6 days.

Your moment of zazen.

Socialism - You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbor.

Communism - You have 2 cows, you give them to the government, and the government gives you some milk.

Fascism - You have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.

Nazism - You have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.

New Dealism (FDR Version) - You have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.

Anarchism - You have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other, while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

Utopianism - You have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.

Pure Socialism - You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism - You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Pure Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism - You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Cambodian Communism - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship - You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy - You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy - You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy - You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy - You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism - You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

A Tribute to Spud

2011-04-12T09:58:00.002-05:00

This is your life story... Enjoy my friend.

*Special Note: This was a forward I received that I am merely sharing with all ya'll.

--------------------------------------------------

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped..

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...

...a commontater.

Monogative

2011-04-12T09:58:00.001-05:00

Hey all.

Long time no post...eh? Well, I'm about to change that. A week ago, I wasn't feeling too well and decided to go home to see the doctor considering the nurses and PAs at UHS here at UW are pretty incompetent. My doctor was under the impression that I either had strep throat--a more than common illness in my parents' household--or mono. When the strep test came back negative, my heart sank. Getting to the punch line early, I got tested for mono again and the test came back negative, but this begs a more important question:

Can someone get mono twice?

The answer my friends, is yes. Upon talking to my doctor, he said that the mononucleosis virus--like most viruses--has more than one strain. So a person can't be infected twice by the same strain, but can be infected twice by two different strains of the virus. Get it? Well if you understand it, good; but don't come in contact with it because it will eat up your semester.

That's all for now folks.

Your moment of zazen.

You gotta be kidding me...

Full story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/12/justin-bieber-benjamin-netanyahu_n_847911.html

Twitter

2011-03-14T01:09:00.001-05:00

This post is also long overdue. I would like to apologize and assure you, my avid reader, that I will continue posting more regularly. Anyway, it's about time I talk about something important: Twitter.

A month or two ago, I finally understood that Twitter was not some stupid website, but a very productive tool that enables learning and education and blah blah blah. I highly recommend getting one.

Charlie Sheen is definitely a winner. Conan O'Brien forgot to change his clock forward and missed his clock setting class. Shame shame.

To all of those people who thoroughly enjoy college sports: happy selection Sunday! I already filled my bracket out...

This post is short, but the next post will be nice and lengthy and full of more beef.

Your moment of zazen.

Slightly reminiscent to the Twitter logo... Hmmm...

Post-asticular

2010-11-03T22:07:00.000-05:00

This message is long overdue.

To quell my readers anticipation, here are the shout-outs:

Alexandra Vojdany
Alyssa Rubnitz
Benny Ginsburg

Ok, now that that is settled, lets go on to more important things;

I got nothing.

You're moment of Zazen.

The Real World Series

2010-06-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

Baseball season semi recently started. Fantastic. Although I am not such a fan of the sport, I do respect it. It does have its own unique physical skills that any sport (yes, including golf) should have. Although, baseball is predominately an American sport, which brings up a very important question: Why should the championship of MLB be called "The World Series" when the sport is only played in America?

The answer: It shouldn't. Some people might take great offense to this, because I have insulted their sport. But the reality is that I don't give a shit.

The basis for this claim that the national championship shouldn't be called the World Series, is that it is not a world--even multinational--competition. In fact, it's barely even a bi-national competition as the Blue Jays (of Toronto) are the only non-American team in the MLB organization. Although there is a baseball league in Japan and a few other countries, they cannot participate in the World Series because they are not part of MLB.

I'm not here to rip on baseball--a sport as American as apple pie--but rather, I'm here to talk about a REAL world series. Yes, that's right. The FIFA World Cup.

For those of us who are ignorant Americans and may happen to read this blog, the FIFA World Cup is the world soccer (or, depending where you are from, football/futbol) tournament which takes place every four years. In 206, 198 countries attempted to qualify. This year, 204 countries attempted to qualify. 32 teams will participate in this year's World Cup: Australia, Japan, Democratic People's Republic of Korea (aka North Korea), Korea Republic (aka South Korea), Algeria, Cameroon, Côte d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast), Ghana, Nigeria, South Africa, Honduras, Mexico, United States, Argentina, Brazil, Chile, Paraguay, Uruguay, New Zealand, Denmark, England, France, Germany, Greece, Italy, Netherlands, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, and Switzerland.

This is the first time since the start of the tournament (this is the 19th FIFA World Cup) where the World Cup will be held on the continent of Africa. Specifically in South Africa. Although this is a great accomplishment to see South Africa hosting the World Cup, it does come with a sense of ethical questionability. That is, although South Africa has veered away from apartheid, South Africans still live in a very unfair and divided world. The question is, how can South Africa spend millions upon millions of dollars on building new stadiums when there are people living below the poverty line.

In any event, this marks the first day of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. That is, an event that brings the world together under one sport. I would like to emphasize this idea--that seems so lost to Americans--of the World. That which isn't the United States.

64 games. 32 countries. 30 days. 10 stadiums. 1 world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhM-cpSwrmM

Your moment of zazen.

Dead Comedian

2010-06-10T15:28:00.000-05:00

Dane Cook.

Your moment of zazen.

" 'Oh yeah! Oh yeah!' 'Oh no.' Your slogan should be, 'what have I done with this beautiful home.' "

What Would I Do?

2010-05-30T18:36:00.001-05:00

A question was recently asked to me via a commercial. I haven't seen this commercial for a few years and, subsequently, forgot the question. However, this question has recently reappeared. It has made me think about how far I would go. This is a question I have asked myself for a long time, and I still don't have a final answer.

The question: What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

The answer: I really don't know. I guess it depends on a lot of circumstances. How badly do I want a Klondike Bar at that moment? What would someone make me do for a Klondike Bar? Are there a lot of people that do crazy shit for a Klondike Bar (ex. driving a tiny car during a Nascar race)?

That being said, no one has offered me a challenge where the Klondike Bar was the famed final prize. I guess I would just go to the store and buy a six-pack of Klondike Bars (they do come in packs of six...right?)

But what would you do for a Klondike Bar? What about a Neopolitan Klondike Bar? Whoa... I guess I would do slightly less for a Klondike Neopolitan Bar. They don't look too good...

So I haven't blogged in a while and I sincerely apologize. I have been slightly busy in the passed few weeks. Here's what happened:

- Final exams.
- Home for a few days.
- Went to Fire Island (east of Long Island) with Greg, Michael and Aaron. Voj and Alyssa met us there. Really, really fun.
- Back in Madison taking a class (Poli Sci 297- African and African American Linkages.)
- Oh, and there is also roughly 12,000 barrels of oil gushing out an underwater "geyser" in the Gulf of Mexico. That shit needs to be cleaned up soon...

Had a great time (minus the oil spill...)

Your moment of zazen.

Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
Discordian #1: Who gives a shit?

Euros vs. Gyros (and a Mention of Cookies)

2010-05-11T17:42:00.000-05:00

My fellow blogowers, Greece is in trouble. As you know--because you really should know--Greece has gone bankrupt. Yes, that is sad for ΓREEΣE, but the world must do something. Germany, among other European nations, has already forked over billions of Euros to form a Greek Bailout package.

One of the problems with the Greek economy, is that they should not be trading the Euro. In fact, to end this economic mess which has even hit the United States (the dow shot down a little less than one thousand points in one day, and then shot back up five hundred points.

(Google Finance)

This, my friends, is chaos. I propose we expel Greece from using the Euro, and their new form of currency shall be the Gyro. The Gyro, which, I might add, can be produced in any Greek restaurant, can be Ode/owed by the Grecians and Urned/earned (Refer to, "Ode on a Grecian Urn" by John Keats, a poem a just used in an english final exam.) Now this works exceptionally because Euro and Gyro are pronounced very similarly.

Therefore, Euro = Gyro. BAM! Economic crisis in Greece: RESOLVED! World economy: POSITIVE! Everything: GOOD!

In any event, big shoutout to my mom who just sent me a shit ton of homemade cookies to help me cope with finals week, thanks mom. Hit me up if you want a cookie.

Your moment of zazen.

"I thought that everything connected with flying was kind of a lie. You know. When you went into an airport or an airplane they always played this very happy music, which is sort of saying, 'You aren't going to die. There's not going to be an accident. Don't worry.' And I thought that was really the wrong way around, I thought that it would be much better to have music that said, 'Well, if you die, it doesn't really matter.'" -Brian Eno on Music for Airports

designerscouch.org/show_news/728/a-square-coke-is-a-greener-coke.html

Religious Recruiting

2010-05-08T19:19:00.000-05:00

I was walking back to my building minding my business (as is the case with most times I walk back to my building), when I was offered a big bag of free candy by a group of college students who surrounded me. This free candy was in the form of white chocolate and sprinkle covered pretzels. All of the sudden, I had a dilemma: Should I be kind to this friendly looking group of strangers who were offering me free candy although I have been taught that I should never take candy from strangers because all strangers that were trying to give me free candy would kidnap me and I would never be heard from again, or should I be rude and say, "no thanks" and walk away.

I took the former. These people looked legit. So I took their free candy. Sorry mom... All of the sudden, a girl named Samantha introduced herself to me. We shook hands. Then Luke introduced himself. We also shook hands. Then Samantha said, "So basically we are a Christian group and we have coffee on Sunday nights and just chill. You should definitely come. It'll be a lot of fun." I told her that I was busy then because I am working this Sunday. Then Kelsey introduced herself to me and asked if I needed someone to pray for me for anything. I said, "No thanks. Nothing I can think of right now." She said, "I'll pray for you to do well on your final exams." I said, "Great! Thanks!" Then Luke started telling me about a nerd party they were having on Friday night, which I responded to by saying that I was busy (but I did not say that I was going to be attending my weekly Jew fest at Hillel...)

As I walked away, I took a quick look at the flyer that was stapled to said package of the pretzels that the pontificating (and preaching) people of Christ gave me, and it said "Turning Point" in cool artistic letters. I then started laughing out loud. This could have been a scene from a movie. It was just so funny. I guess it's kind of the same concept as the Chabad people trying to put phylacteries on every Jewish male they see, but you don't get free candy. Unfortunately.

Good luck with finals my bloggowers (and friends). (And people who might not be friends but who might read this blog.) (Fuck it, good luck with finals to everyone.)

Your moment of zazen.

Fleeing Undergarments

2010-05-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

As I was keeping quite to myself and studying (or procrastinating) in the Periodical Room in Memorial Library and minding my own business, I hear a roar from outside. Realizing that it is Thursday night at 10:15, I remembered that Axe is sponsoring an Undie Run.

"This spring, Axe is throwing down the gauntlet to student bodies across the nation. Axe is further supporting the cause by bringing donation trucks and weigh-in stations to the Undie Runs across the nation. For every pound donated, Axe is making a donation, with all the proceeds going to help the Community Action Coalition http://www.cacscw.org/

Run Route: Library Mall to Peace Park (down State Street), back to Library Mall and then to SEGREDO for the Official After Party!!! (18+ at Segredo!)" (THE UW MADISON AXE UNDIE RUN Facebook Event).

*Note: Peace Park is better known as Crack Park.

As Alyssa, Ali and I went to check out this "disturbance" outside, we realized it was cold, and there were a lot of drunk people in their undies, and it looked like a lot of fun. Must save something for next year. Shoutout to Kippi and Schraber Shrab (like Flava Flaaaav--Alyssa's idea) who are participating (I was told by Alyssa, if she's wrong, yell at her, not me).

Your moment of zazen.

Bunny Chaser

The Fifth Day of the Fifth Month of the Two-Thousand and Fifth (plus Five) Year

2010-05-05T14:32:00.000-05:00

My bloggowers (blog followers, you should know that by now), it is May 5, or as them Spanish people call it (Shoutout to Alexis), Cinco de Mayo. Although a normal day within normal American society, this day is monumental in Mexican history (another shoutout to Alexis). On this day, almost 150 years ago, the Mexican Army defeated French forces at the Battle of Puebla (or the French Army just surrendered, the jury is still out on the results).

This momentous holiday is celebrated somewhat like the Fourth of July (however, us Americans don't have our own Corona). From my experiences in Milwaukee ("as the nation's most segregated metropolitan area" according to an article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on January 18, 2003), Cinco de Mayo is celebrated with a huge parade in the Latino part of Milwaukee (yet, another shoutout to Alexis).

Being a part of the non-hispanic American youth, there is no reason for me to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I do not have any Mexican ties, heritage, or loyalty. However, it does give me (and my Jewish friends) an excuse to go to Frida's celebrate Alexis' homeland (final shoutout to Alexis).

In honor of this seemingly Corona endorsed חג (holiday), I would like you to enjoy two commercial's which you probably have already seen. Enjoy!

Feliz Cinco de Mayo.

Su momento de zazen.

I'll Never Forget

2010-05-03T00:38:00.000-05:00

Being part of the Jewish culture, the title of this blog post may seem to refer to never forgetting the Holocaust, which, yes, I will never forget the Holocaust. But I am referring to this past weekend.

This past Saturday--the first Saturday in May--the Mifflin Street Block Party was held. Now, this isn't a traditional block party where people grill out and there's a moon bounce and all the children come outside to watch Finding Nemo on an inflatable screen. This is unlike any block party I have ever been.

Preparation for Mifflin is as follows:
- Buy lots of alcohol
- Make a Mifflin shirt (When I asked Ian why people make Mifflin shirts he responded by saying, "Because it's a good excuse to make funny shirts. You wouldn't make a shirt where on the front it said 'It's Tuesday' and on the back it would say, 'Fuck my life.' or 'It's Wednesday' and on the back, 'shit.'" I did not make a Mifflin shirt this year. Maybe next year...)
- Wake up EARLY! I had my alarm set for 7:15. I know people who were up at 6:35 pregaming. I waited till 8:25. Next year I vow to start earlier.
- Befriend someone who lives on Mifflin. If you have some sort of connection, you can usually get into a house and get some drank.

I had the best day. Here is how the day went down:

- Woke up at 7:15 and met some friends at Einstein's for a quick breakfast, Aaron was already pretty tipsy by then. Many a freshman participate in what is known as the "shotgun shower" (shotgun a beer in the shower) I, being the classy one, do not partake in such activities.
- A bunch of us started drinking in my room. Mimosa's and then shots (some people were drinking beer--I thought it was too early for that). Lots of Bacardi, Smirnoff and Patron.
- Went to the unofficial official ZBT pregame to chill with my boys. Mickey poured my coke and rum into the beer pong. Drank a lot of that. Saw a lot of my smaller female friends (Persian or otherwise) do keg stands. It was beautiful.
- I was told we came back to my room for more shots and then we went to Laura's to pregame even more.
- We went to Mifflin afterwards, found Rock's house, I apparently got a beer spilled on me from a porch and I gave the guy who spilled it on me the finger. Here is a picture from Rock's porch of Mifflin.

- Went to Ian's, Abbie dropped my macaroni and cheese pizza on the ground. I'm still pissed. Then met up with friends at Noodles and Co. Went back to towers. Crashed. This was at 2:45-3:00.

I can't wait to be a part of the sea of drunk, funny-shirted, party going college students for next year's Mifflin. It was a blast. One of my favorite weekends here. Although I don't remember all of it, I will never forget how much fun I had.

A side note, tonight was senior night. I sincerely wish all the seniors the best of the luck in their future endeavors and hope they don't become a stranger to their younger friends who will still reside in the great city of Madison. (In honor of Mickey, Joe and DC, please rush Beta Nu Kappa in Fall 2010. They are recruiting hardcore.)

Your moment of zazen.

How American's understand cellular mitosis.

Innovation in Daily Life-ation

2010-04-27T16:38:00.000-05:00

Man and society evolve and progress together. Technology helps this loving relationship. Obvious? Yes. Stupid? No. Why would I point this out? Wait and find out.

Speech is another medium that which has also evolved and progressed. Example:

1) Slang

That's the only example I am going to give. Slang evolves with the generation. When my parents were little, Styx was "hip". What the fuck is that? Now, Styx sucks. I'm not a fan. Sorry mom (I think you occasionally read my blog..) Slang is also highly cultural--slang in America is very different than slang in Israel. זה נכון אח שלי. (Literally meaning, that's correct my brother.) Nowadays, slang seems to have taken a ghetto/retro* spin. (*Note: Retro meaning late 80s/early 90s.) Stay fresh.

My main point: I would like to point out a rhetorical device used frequently by myself and millions of Americans every day (not necessarily slang) known as (drum role please) sarcasm. Sarcasm in speech is mainly observed and understood by the use of tone. Some people have trouble using tone to indicate the use of sarcasm which in turn seems like they are being serious. Example: "Ugh. I got like an hour of sleep last night." Those people are bitches.

The picture below shows the sarcigins (sarcasm origins).

Thank you Wikipedia. You just saved the day again.

Now the statement above (i.e. "Thank you Wikipedia. You just saved the day again.") was sarcasm. But how would anyone know that? Well, it is my pleasure to introduce the SarcMark.

The SarcMark (short for Sarcasm Mark) is a new American punctuation mark (there is such a thing in certain Ethiopian languages) from Sarcasm Inc. used at the end sentences to denote a sarcastic tone within said sentence. For $1.99, you can physically show sarcasm in your writing (but only on PC's and Blackberries--the Apple software hasn't been perfected yet). I can't believe I got an Apple and not a PC (insert SarcMark here)

Shoutout to my wasp-wannabe brother, David. He's getting the plane, I'm getting the yacht.

Your moment of zazen.

Wallpaper

2010-04-26T14:52:00.000-05:00

Within the past year or so, a good friend of mine introduced to a website that changed my life. Some may call it a waste of time, others (including myself) would call it an awakening that has introduced me to what the virtual (and physical) world has to offer. Yes, I am speaking about StumbleUpon(.com).

To put it simply, StumbleUpon shows the "stumbler" all the internet's cool shit--and there is much cool shit which is on said internet.

The New York Times likes it too:

Anyway, on Friday I was stumbling, and found a website with all these different wallpapers. Not the decorative paper you put on your walls to make a room less bland, but rather that which occupies one's desktop on their computer (the background). Friday, I was coming off being sick (I was told to blog about that, but I'd rather not) along with the rest of my family who are 82.9 miles away, and I found a website with wallpapers. I sat in my bed, completely expressionless, for five hours straight, finding wallpapers and copying them into a folder on my desktop. They are mostly sweet photos (cities at night, nature scenes, artsy black and white shit, etc), or adobe influenced/made abstract art. I spent another three hours looking last night whilst video chatting with a friend. I found a bunch of backgrounds. This is my favorite:

Your moment of zazen.

Joel: Sounds good. I could go for some kitch.
Aaron: Super delish.
Joel: Maybe I'll get some jim.
Aaron: That's a socially acceptable alternative to kitch.

"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me." --Mitch Hedberg

Nothing Exciting

2010-04-19T09:52:00.001-05:00

My weekend:

Thursday.

Thursday night my dad decided to pay a visit to his alma mater to see his eldest child. After meeting him at the terrace after class, I proceeded to buy him popcorn. We then hung out at the terrace for a bit, walked around Memorial Union, checked out the newly renovated Historical Society, went to the bookstore, walked up State Street, walked to the house, and finally drove to the Edgewater for dinner--all of which were my father's ideas. I am convinced he has adult ADD. Although a little pricey, we finally made it to the Edgewater and had a delicious dinner. At one point during the meal, the waiter (who was dressed in a tuxedo) was refilling my dad's water glass and spilled a little on my dad's arm. The waiter sincerely apologized and then ran back to get our food. He tripped on a chair and almost ate shit. Schadenfreude (for those who haven't seen Avenue Q, Schadenfreude is the act of taking happiness in other's misfortune.) Pretty funny.

Friday.
Went out to lunch with Momma Voj, Normal Voj, Benny and Alyssa. Had a lot of fun. I am usually great with parents; however, I was not off to a good start with Momma Voj. But she likes me and doesn't think I'm an asshole...which is good. Later a bunch of us went to Hillel for dinner as usual. Went back to the house. A bunch of people were going to Brickhouse BBQ so I tagged along. Noah stumbled in holding a box of pizza saying how he got kicked out of a rodeo. You know...whatever. Ask Benny, Solarz, Kippi, Curren or myself for more details.

Saturday.
Greek Week started. Eric, Teddy, Goldfinger and Seaston all participated in the Walk A Mile In Her Shoes race. Apparently Sam was a baller and just took off down the street. Thanks for participating guys. Later on was formal. My very motherly friend, Sydnie, came in from Lake Forest College as my date. We ended up having a lot of fun. Jenny (Freems' ex?) ate all my food off my plate at formal.

Sunday.
Went to the library with Alyssa and found Voj. Sat in the computer lab for 30 minutes or so photoshopping her into a picture from formal.

Before

After

All in all, pretty fun weekend. After last weekend (which was insane!) it was nice to have a semi chill weekend.

Also, this Thursday (April 22) ZBT at UWisconsin is having its annual philanthropy event. "Sausage Fest" is at State Street Brats from 5:00-8:00 pm and proceeds will go to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Tickets are $10 in advance and $15 at the door, and you can redeem your ticket for either 1 sausage or 2 hot dogs, unlimited soda and fries, and dessert. T-Shirts are $10. It's gonna be a lot of fun and I hope to see all you there! Check out our Facebook Event, "ZBT's Sausage Fest" for more info on ticket sellers in your area.

Quick shoutouts:
Jeremy- happy birthday bud.
Benny- BENNNAYYYYYY!
Larzy- You are the man.

Your moment of zazen.

Arrested Development

2010-04-13T10:53:00.000-05:00

Firstly, I would like to apologize seeing that i haven't posted in a while. This post will talk about arrested development.

It should be noted that this notion of "arrested development" is somewhat paradoxical, as there can be no progress when being held back. This happens to be a central theme of one of my favorite TV shows appropriately and properly named, Arrested Development.

In somewhat related news, I took an micro economics exam this morning mainly dealing with MRS (marginal and markets in perfect competition.) I think the exam went pretty well; however, there was one question that caught my eye and stuck with me throughout the duration of the exam. The question: A man named Gob has a magic show. He has X (I forgot the amount) dollars to spend. He can hire an assistant for $8 or buy a new deck of cards for $2. His MU (marginal utility--i.e. his enjoyment/need) for hiring a new assistant is 4 "utils" and his MU for buying a new deck of cards is 2 "utils." How many assistants should he hire and/or decks of cards should he buy?

I would like preface the rest of the post by saying Gob, or GOB, is the main character's (Michael) older brother in the TV show, Arrested Development. Being a huge fan of said program, I noticed a few problems with this microeconomics exam question:

1) GOB (which is an acronym standing for George Oscar Bluth, a nickname and not an actual name itself as the question implies) has used many family members/significant others as assistants: his little brothers Michael and Buster, his nephew George Michael, as well as his Mexican girlfriend, Marta (with whom Michael is in love). So he wouldn't hire an assistant.

2) GOB is a magician but does not have a magic show considering he was blackballed from the Magician's Alliance--an organization which GOB started in order to prevent magicians from telling how they do illusions, not tricks. "A trick is something a whore does for money...or cocaine." GOB was blackballed from the Alliance after he tried to hide his father, George, in "The Aztec II" when the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) was chasing a rented boat that George was having his retirement party on (Yes, the SEC has boats), and the news showed how GOB hid his father. Once blackballed from the Alliance, GOB is not able to perform, so he doesn't have a magic show (besides for the show he put on for the Alliance members so he could get back into his organization. It didn't work out.)

3) This is not necessarily a problem, but GOB would have a very high MU for doves, lighter fluid, and pennies. If you don't understand the reference, please watch the show immediately. I have all three seasons on DVD and am willing to loan them out.

Arrested Development is one of the best shows every written. Every time I watch an episode, I always discover some new hidden joke or reference. In the words of Shrek, "[Arrested Development]...is like an onion--it has layers."

By the way, the answer is that he should spend all of his money on cards because "Gob" gets the same amount of utility for half the price.

Your moment of zazen.

Springy Breakelstein

2010-04-05T14:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, the title of this blog post was my status. Yes, it is a pull at Harley Bartelstein. Springy breakelstein has indeed come to a close and I returned back to Madison. Since returning I have had the mildly awkward conversation of "How was your spring(y) break(elstein)?" many a time. Spring break this year was alright. Here's what happened:

Thursday: Ended class. Stayed in Madison one last night to chill with friends before returning to normalcy.

Friday: Woke up to a call from Glock. Packed up my room. Got some Ian's Pizza (delicious chametz) with Aaron and Nathan. Home. Haircut. Shabbat dinner.

Saturday: Chilled. Donna came over. Awesome. Went to Potowatami Bingo Casino and played bingo with Aaron and Becca. Fun shit. Becca got so pissed she was about to pop a bitch in the face. Good thing I was there to stop her...

Sunday: Lunch with Alyssa. Panera. I got a soup and salad. Wish they opened a Panera close by campus.

Monday: Stayed in bed. Had the first seder at the house. Had a lot of wine in hopes it would speed up the seder. Almost passed out at the table after dinner. I thought of Voj.

Tuesday: Seder two. Just the family. Didn't have any wine due to extreme alcohol intake on the previous night. Seder went too slow. I learned I am bad at striking a balance.

Wednesday: Slept all day. Attempted to do some Psych reading. Didn't turn out too well.

Thursday: Ran a bunch of errands. Flew to Pittsburgh to see the grandma and the great grandfather.

Friday: Pittsburgh. Had a revelation. I'm buying a yacht. Either the Phocea http://www.fraseryachts.com/Sale/sale_gallery.aspx?YachtID=Y3548_MC, or the Aerie http://www.fraseryachts.com/Sale/sale_gallery.aspx?YachtID=Y6781_SD. It was also my great grandmother's 103rd birthday. When asked how she felt to be 103 she responded, "I'm ancient! It's sickening...!"

Saturday: More Pittsburgh. Sat around the table all day eating and chilling with family.

Sunday: Home. Packing. Back to Madison.

Your moment of zazen.

"You must remember, salt and pepper stick together."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCm8tdHkfI

Leaving Egypt

2010-03-28T20:44:00.001-05:00

My friends and fellow blogowers (blog followers), tis that time of the year when we remove ourselves from delicious leavened foods, sit around a table, drink bad wine (I am of course talking about the slightly sweetened and slightly alcoholic, Manischewitz Wine--Keeping it classy), and leave Egypt. Although this trend of leaving Egypt happens every year, I can't really say I have actually gone to Egypt. Hopefully I will make it there some day so I can leave the land of the sphinxes and the Great Pyramids in Giza to wander in the desert for forty years, walk through the Red Sea (then known as the Sea of Reeds), receive the Torah, and finally wander into the Land of Israel. Can't wait... In any event, it is Passover.

We gather here today, and sit around a table for four hours eating the longest dinner of the year. Eat bread now, or forever hold your peace (peace = hunger (ask Pestine for further information on hunger), forever = eight days.) Now, if you think I am being somewhat hostile towards the whole Passover experience, you my friend, are sadly mistaken. Passover is one of my favorite holidays. Yes, we do take a break from bourbon, briyani, and ban mian for eight days (shoutout to ZRichards for the "B" alliteration idea that was divinely(?) inspired by his blog), but that makes all these delicious (and ethnic) foods so much better after the completion of the holiday. This year, unlike many previous years, we are having the Seders at our house. As we leave Egypt, we have brought many bottles of wine (not Manischewitz) to accompany us on this voyage, which, in turn, should hopefully make the trip a little shorter--and if not shorter, at least more fun.

Unlike many other universities (and apparently unlike many friends) I am very happy the great University of Wisconsin gives us spring break over Passover. Well, at least 6/8 days. Many of my friends are making the long trek to go home for the seders, which I don't have to considering I'm already home.

Happy Passover.

SO to them Jews (and Alyssa).

Moment of Zazen (From Previous Post)

2010-03-24T01:43:00.000-05:00

Louis Gohmert is a Republican Representative in the House from Texas. He has been in the news recently for talking against health care reform. Funny thing about Louis Gohmert: I met him. A little more than a year ago, I was a part of a joint student delegation between several Jewy Chicago Agencies (all affiliated with the JUF) which included many college level and graduate students, as well as six high school students from Write On for Israel--the Israel advocacy program I did throughout the last two years of high school. My group lobbied several House Representatives from the Illinois area including Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. and Rep. Danny Davis, as well as Senator Durbin. As we were wandering around the House of Representatives, we wanted to watch in on the session and all of the sudden, Louis Gohmert--a very nice, southern, somewhat elder man from Texas--comes out of the woodwork and gets us into the viewing area of the House.

I was watching Rachel Maddow and Rep. Gohmert was screaming on the House floor holding the Health Care Bill and saying how people should ingest it the bill itself. How were you elected? Why did I have to meet you?

The F Bomb

2010-03-23T21:07:00.000-05:00

...Or the F- Word. For those of you who are too stupid to figure it out by now (not that the readers of this blog are stupid per se...there may be some random people trolling the dark, dangerous waters of The Daily Monoblogue who might be stupid), I am talking about the word, "fuck." Although completely appropriate in casual conversation between college students, friends, and that regular who sits next to you at the bar; when dropped, the F Bomb, much like the A Bomb, causes a major controversy. This post on the F Bomb is not completely random...

Today, President Obama signed the Health Care Bill using twenty pens. This day will go down in the American History books. There are two things I would like to point out:

1) Really Obama? Twenty pens? What the fuck?

2) Vice President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. (Robinette = girl's name?) dropped the F Bomb after introducing the President! WHOA!!! FUCK ME!!! OH NO HE DIDN'T!!! Well, oh yes he did. Check out the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRsUqUAqQXA

Yes, Biden said, "This is a big fucking deal." And let me say, yes, this is a big fucking deal. Biden hit the nail right on the head. It probably was not too smart of him to say that in front of rolling television cameras and a room full of reporters; however, he was not in the wrong. Health Care Reform has been legislation actively sought by democrats since the Clinton administration. Now that our country has finally achieved health care reform, Vice President Biden has the fucking right and a fucking good reason to say, "This is a big fucking deal." The word "fuck" adds a much needed emphasis, just ask Rahm Emanuel. I applaud you Mr. Vice President.

Your moment of zazen is yet to come after I'm done studying for my midterm in my Gender Issues in Rabbinic Judaism (shoutout to them Jews) class. Wish me luck. I'll need it.