The Daily Record - Big Brother

Marcus was the victim of Jade's coven as much as Sree

2009-07-03T20:56:18Z

We're in the downtime between highlights show and eviction show on Friday night. If there's any justice, however, it's a foregone conclusion - Sree's gone, and rightly so.

Because tonight's highlights show gave us a whole new side to Big Brother. A desperate, pathetic, attention-seeking paranoia sufferer so desperate not to offend that it's paralyzed with fear.

Yes, I'm talking Marcus. And I'm not happy. Because for all he's a weird, testosterone-fuelled Wolverine-wannabe, he absolutely read Big Brother like a book tonight, and showed up the producers, showrunners and broadcasters for the craven fools they are.

Was he too confrontational with Sree? Perhaps. Should he have taken the mick out of his accent? Probably not.

But did he deserve an official warning? Absolutely not. And was that warning given for the right reasons? Not a chance.

Channel 4 bottled it. Sree's the boy who cried wolf, except that Channel 4's so afraid, post Shilpa and Jade, of any kind of comment on the show that could be remotely perceived as racist that it

We've been here before, of course. Two years ago Emily Parr dropped the n-bomb on the show. It was stupid and silly and yes, completely unacceptable - but crucially, not done with any sense of malice. It was just a young idiot of a girl trying to be more street in front of her pals.

Her punishment was to be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, confused, half asleep and still in her underwear, and kicked out the house. It was a monumental overreaction sparked by sensitivity to Ofcom fines and press criticism rather than any kind of social awareness - especially since C4 had been forced to issue an apology at the start of BB8's run over Shilpagate.

Tonight was the same. Except this time it wasn't a naive blonde teenager woken in the dead of night. It was an angry, fired-up adult who spotted what was coming and just how hypocritical it was.

And Marcus called it right. Folk in the house pisstake the Geordie accent, the Irish accent and, repeatedly, Freddie's upper-class diction. Yet nothing is said. No action is taken, despite Big Brother's insistence on cultural background or geography being out of bounds.

One rule for Sree and one for everyone else is wrong. Failure to haul folk in for any kind of accent mickey-taking or copying now is double standards. Noirin and Karly surely have grounds to complain any time someone does a parody of their accent. Precedent is there if we're going on culture and geography as a criteria, after all.

Of course, we won't see that. Because C4, Brighter Pictures and Ofcom don't get twitchy about Celtic bigotry, same as they don't about Brummie or Geordie or Posh.

Which is why Sree needs to be kicked out in 15 mins time. Because if he stays in, giving Marcus a warning in these circumstances hands Sree carte blanche to behave how he wants in the house, and play the Jade card if someone argues the toss with him.

20 seconds that sums up Big Brother 10...

2009-06-30T21:27:18Z

Sophie and Kris by the pool, during nominations, as Sophie tries to remember the name of the little robots used by the Master in Doctor Who.

Which she eventually thinks are called the Philippines. 'I knew it began with a P', she said.

Kris, sharpest tool in Christendom, tells her 'Philippines begins with an F'.

Uh-huh...

You do wonder if he has to be reminded to breathe in and out. I'm sure he'd forget and suffocate if he didn't get prompted every so often. Scratch that. I hope he'll forget and suffocate.

(Geek hat on: For the record, she's getting mixed up between the Slitheen (farting big green things) and the Toclafane (the human heads in a metal football).)

The Wandering Hands of Sree

2009-06-29T19:34:42Z

Found this on YouTube. Fantastic stuff.

Lisa's sexual politics games are by the bi

2009-06-29T19:15:35Z

So our Berlin Angel is gone (see the Big Brother Podcast if you want to know why we call her that) and with it one of the most unusual housemates in the show's history.

Angel shouldered her fate, and the ridiculous booing by the rent-a-chav crowd C4 wheels in for the eviction shows, with typical Russian stoicism.

Meanwhile Freddie seems to have had a burden lifted from his shoulders. He's gained confidence - in a pleasing way - since avoiding eviction for the third week.

And it's all to the chagrin of Lisa.

Lisa's an interesting character. As I mentioned before, both on here and in the pod, Saffia's exit has positioned the Brummie lesbian as the alpha female in the house. Where she leads, many others blindly follow. It's led to two cliques forming in the house already - Lisa's gang, and the outsiders.

Angel, Marcus and most definitely Freddie were exiled out into the outsiders group. They didn't play the part of obedient acolyte like Kris and Noirin have. Marcus, of course, is the group's lone wolf, and doesn't seem to give a toss one way or the other. But Angel and Freddie's ostracisation is far more interesting.

Angel made a comment about Lisa not liking her because she's bisexual, and Lisa seeing that as a threat. At first I thought she was a touch paranoid but speaking to a bi friend of mine, she might have had a point, since it seems there are some quarters in the ultra-hardcore gay and lesbian community with a bit of a beef about the bi's. And Freddie and Angel are the house's two openly out bisexuals.

So is Lisa just carrying over an inbuilt animosity into the house? Who can say. But it is notable that even as everyone else starts to like Freddie - or at the very least, tries to get on with him - she continues her vendetta.

Freddie's bust-up with Sree (oh, what a shock, Sree in the centre of a row) showcases that remarkably. Poshboy took against Gropey's overuse of the garlic - which, remember, has to be conserved as they're on basic rations this week - for the cooking. And he had a point, since Sree seemed to be trying to feed the five thousand on garlic alone, such was the amount he crammed into the dinner.

Yet while Freddie pursued the matter in a rational, sensible and as unconfrontational as possible manner, the rest of the house just looked on in amusement, spurred on by Lisa's facepulling and mocking.

Of course, had the situation been reversed, you can guarantee Lisa would have been the first to criticise Freddie for wasting food.

Lisa's catchphrase seems to be 'he's playing a game, that one, I know he is', such is the regularity she says it. Yet what's clear is that Freddie's not. In fact, he seems positively guileless. He just has confidence and unshakeable belief in himself, and a searingly accurate view of the interpersonal relationships in the house.

Contrast that with Lisa - grouchy, paranoid, spiteful and as self-centred as a gyroscope. She doesn't see Sree as a threat, so she tolerates his behaviour in the house, even when his constant moaning, stalking of Noirin, wasting of food and chidlishness would drive most others to culpable homicide.

The more Freddie survives eviction, the more of a threat he becomes to Lisa - and thus the greater her animosity towards her grows. The best thing that could happen to Freddie is to be put up for nomination against her this week. It'd put his landslides so far into the shade

Freddie and Angel face the boot - yet Sree survives to fight another day

2009-06-25T07:31:28Z

It was telling that one of Scots stunnah Karly's reasons for nominating Freddie last night was that he's just too eccentric. That her complaint was made about someone in a house that also contains Siavash speaks volumes about this year's crop of contestants.

So Freddie looks for a hat-trick, this time facing a battle against Angel. Yet Sree, after his ridiculous stalkery behaviour and his rowing with Noirin... actually, with most of the house at various points, somehow survived.

Freddie, after three weeks of being put up for the vote, looked clearly hurt by the nomination this time - and rightly so. Not one of them could give a valid reason for him other than he's eccentric.

At the risk of doing a Psychic Bev and jinxing the lad, I'd tip him to take another victory. But realistically, neither he nor Angel should be up in the first place. Either exit will leave the house an less interesting place.

What WAS interesting was how all of Angel's nominations followed a party line - she'd insulted the rest of the girls by making comments about their weight, about size issues and so on.

Um... why didn't you all tell her this, then? She's clearly got some kind of body issues, given her obsessive workout regime - which extended to doing weights while at the table during the speed nominations - and by her skinny dips. And given that Sophie, Noirin, Lisa and Karly between them look like they'd balk at eating a twiglet or two, they should have had it out with her.

Instead, the way it came across - and Kris became complicit in this too - was an orchestrated attempt to get her out. Likewise with Freddie. The rules state no tactical voting, no discussion of nominations. Yet the noms this week - even down to the phrasing - were eerily similar.

Of course, it wouldn't just be Channel 4 overlooking that in order to perk up interest in the show, and spark a voting battle among the bookie's favourites to win now, would it? No, of course not, and you'd be a fool and a communist to think otherwise.

Live eviction: Desperate times call for desperate measures

2009-06-24T09:29:20Z

I've talked on here and on the podcast about how this year's ratings are in freefall - so tonight's live nominations show smacks of desperation on the part of the BB producers.

This year's show is failing to generate the usual press and public buzz. After 10 years, Big Brother is in danger of burning itself out.

Now traditionally, there's a bit of a drop-off after the launch show, but this year's series is pulling in less than 2m viewers a night. To put that into context - this time last year, the highlights show was drawing around 3.2m viewers a night.

Clearly, C4 has to do something to arrest the slide, even if Davina has already tweeted that the show will be back next year. Hence they're doing a live nominations show - something that's only happened rarely since the very first series in 2000 - and tweaking the rules to make sure housemates nominate quickly during the show's running time

A stunt such as tonight's seems almost desperate, like a plea for attention from a hyperactive child wanting you to notice them.

Never forget, Channel 4 has a lot of money invested in BB and, given the channel's recent financial struggles, needs each series to be at least as big a success as the previous one.

Podcast: Agony advice for the housemates

2009-06-24T09:25:38Z

The latest Big Brother podcast is available now.

And with Psychic Bev on her holibobs, Iain's joined in the pod by the Daily Record's Teen Talk agony aunt, Lindsay Cochrane.

To hear what advice Lindsay has for the lovestuck Sree, Sophie and Kris, and unwashed Marcus, click here or listen to it via iTunes here .

Cairon's departure - the impetuousness of youth

2009-06-20T08:47:41Z

As I've said before, I'll be sorry to see the back of Cairon. The Anglo-Septic has proved an interesting housemate during his brief spell, and conducted himself with the respect and politeness he's continually shown during BB.

When he wasn't blowing up at Sree, that is.

In many ways he was a victim of circumstance - if he'd have been up against anyone other than Freddie, I'd have fancied his survival chances. As housemates go he's a confrontational, aggressive, yet disarmingly charming and honest young man.

He's certainly contributed far much more during his two weeks than Love Guru Siavash or Marcus the Wolverine Wannabe.

But by being visible and being confrontational - even with an irritating sex pest like Stalker Sree, he put himself too much into the firing line.

Captain Halfwit: Indestructable

2009-06-20T08:42:00Z

So Poshboy Freddie lives to fight another day - no doubt much to the chagrin of his fellow housemates - after an impressive backing from the public once again.

Poor Cairon got the boot with 73% of the public vote - a gain against last week's overwhelming support of Freddie against Sophia, but no less a resounding vote of confidence.

Usually, this is the point where we start to see the housemates question themselves, and the viewing public. When someone the bulk of the house can't stand survives not one, but two votes in succession, they traditionally either unite against that housemate - or they start to ally themselves with the housemate, figuring they must be loved by the public.

And with the animosity towards Freddie during the Old Bamboo task, the next couple of days could be crucial towards securing long-term futures in the house.

Big Brother nominations: Cairon and Freddie face the boot

2009-06-17T08:15:20Z

So Poshboy is up for the chop two weeks running, this time facing off with Cairon. And Cairon should be worried. Very worried.

Last week, nominated against Chipmunk Sophia, Poshboy attracted less than 9% of the vote. And Cairon is in his own way just as explosive and confrontational a housemate as she was.

His bust-up with Sree last week, where he turned into a minor cast member from The Wire, was impressive stuff. But I can't help but like him - like Darnell last year, there's something fundamentally sweet about his schizophrenically diverse personality.

On the one hand, he's incredibly polite and usually well mannered, in the way most Americans are when confronted with authority. Everyone's 'Sir' or 'Ma'am' to him, not in a sneering mickey-taking way, but with genuine deference.

Yet when he's provoked he turns into this snarling, growling ball of rage, the sort of proper Florida homeboy you'd expect to see pop up on a particularly cliched episode of CSI Miami.

Like Freddie, he's an unlikely candidate for the house, which is what makes him such an entertaining character to watch. But at the same time, it also makes him highly visible and thus far more memorable, you fear, when it comes to nominations.

I'm stunned at the lack of Sree being put there. Bev and I called Cairon and Freddie on the pod this week - which you can listen to here but I was convinced Sree would be put up - for reasons I'll go into later on the blog.

The problem with a straight two-way fight between these two is that it's largely predictable. His overwhelmingly successful survival last week suggests Freddie is favourite to stay. And I've no problem with that - he's a genuine eccentric, not in the usual 'look at me, I'm whacky!' way you usually get on BB, but in a properly unpredictable, borderline off-his-nut manner.

But equally, it's far too early for Cairon to get the boot. He's got a lot of potential as a housemate. And I fear that potential is about to be squandered.

Sophia v Saffia v Sophie: Playing the name game

2009-06-13T11:43:41Z

Now, it's not hugely often than Big Brother will put two people in with the same or similar names - and even rarer that they get to keep those names for the show.

Bubble became Bubble because there was already a Paul in series two, for instance, while the lovely Nush from series 4 had to be Nush since there was another Anoushka in the house.

This year's show took a slightly more extreme approach to avoiding any confusion, by having Sophie change her name by deedpoll to Dogface - a joke which, like Freddie's renaming to Halfwit - ran out of steam about 30 seconds after being completed.

But it still left us with Sophia and Saffia - and all three have been involved in a triangle of rage and wrath that's left the house missing two of it's number already.

Last night saw Sophia get the boot, with more than 90% of the public vote according to the official Big Brother twitter stream, one of the most overwhelming eviction votes in BB history.

(Although that presumes that more than around eight people were voting this series, which judging by the ratings may be a bold presumption).

24 hours earlier down-in-the-mouth dental nurse Saffia quit the show, claiming she missed her kids too much to continue. And while there may well be a ring of truth to that - though you've got to question why someone with such a young baby would go into the house in the first place - there's far more going on behind her claims.

Saffia and Kris had, for a couple of days, been indulging in some playful flirting. But it was plainly obvious that she was far more into him than he was with her, something made blatantly obvious when he began getting very touchy feely with Page Three Stunnah Sophie instead. And for all Saffia tried to play the 'oh, my babies' card, her diary room comment about being with one person, then jumping into bed with another, was brutally telling.

At the same time, Sophia and Saffia seemed to be engaged in some kind of feud to the death over who had rights to use the name. Much as I'd love to have seen them go at it properly - it's UFC99 this weekend, after all - Sophia was very much on the wrong side of the power divide, meaning when it came to nominations she was always going to be the loser.

The impact of all this remains to be felt, but it's set up a number of interesting situations. At a stroke the house has lost it's alpha female AND her biggest power rival. It's also established Kris as the alpha male - which means, by default, that Sophie becomes top Dogface among the women.

Neither will be particularly missed either. Sophia was variously incoherent with squealing delight or with rage, to the point when she sounded like Flipper when she was excited. I half expected her to indicate to the rest of the house a major catastrophe was imminent, while balancing a ball on her nose in the pool.

Meanwhile Saffia, a grumbling charisma-bypass with an 80s quiff, had done little in the house other than make doe-eyes at Kris and dagger-eyes at Sophia, and get involved in blazing rows with Sophia.

And if nothing else, their antics have kickstarted a so-far lacklustre Big Brother into something approaching life.

Podcast: Feed me Seymour

2009-06-11T16:47:39Z

Psychic Bev and I are back with the latest Big Brother podcast, direct from Studio One at the Daily Record.

(We've only got one studio at the moment, so it's Studio One by default, really)

On today's show - Halfwit, how no live feed did for Beinazir, will Lisa find lady love in the house, and who's this year's biggest Big Brother letch?

You can listen here or click here to download it via iTunes.

Poshboy and the Chipmunk face eviction - proving housemates are indeed idiots.

2009-06-10T20:13:24Z

Thud. Thud. Thud. The sound of my puffy, bewhiskered face banging off the wood of my desk after hearing this evening's nominations.

For the housemates have nominated Freddie - or Halfwit as they STILL insist on calling him - and Sophia.

Both got six nominations from the housemates, suggesting that either they're all monumentally thick or that the editors are REALLY screwing about with what we're seeing.

For Sophia, while perhaps a bit in your face, is hardly the most annoying housemate in there, and Freddie is a quirky but surprisingly likeable posho who has yet to come close to the annoying bracket.

No, for my money the obvious candidate to be booted out - and by booted out I mean encased in quick drying concrete and dropped into the Clyde - is supposed nice virginal Indian boy Sree. Or Gropey the dwarf, as I like to call him.

He's a remarkably hands-on young man, it has to be said. Every time I look up at the screen he seems to have his arms wrapped around someone else, either in an embrace, in fevered discussion or in the sort of 'arm around the back of the sofa towards her shoulder' trick you try when you're 14.

There's something about Sree that's faintly disturbing. He's not sweet or charming or innocent - far from it, he's just creepy. Witness his chat with Karly last night - for a peptalk it came across as almost soul-crushing.

Have you ever seen the sketch in That Mitchell and Webb Look with Robert Webb as the librarian, shattering a frumpy woman's self-esteem as she tries to check out a book, until she's left in tears.. at which point he suggests a little date?

That's Sree.

I am delighted to see Angel not picking up a single one, though - partly after reading Rhodri Marsden's interesting blog post about her (which you can find here) but mainly because I subsequently stumbled upon her website, and especially her 'music'. Keeping her in the house ensures she can't be recording any more, which is a public service in itself...

Bye Beinazir. We hardly knew you.

2009-06-08T09:11:49Z

So, the game is finally afoot, as the full compliment of housemates is confirmed and Beinazir fails to attract enough public support to remain in the house.

Not, to be fair, a huge surprise. Because despite the usual promises of speaking her mind, keeping it real, and so forth, in her arrival video, she's done very little over the last couple of days to justify her inclusion.

Or has she?

See, the problem with this year's series is the lack of live streaming. Oftentimes watching Big Brother live - either via the web, red button or on E4, offered a dramatically different view to the edited highlights show on C4 each night.

And the real Big Brother hardcores know just how much of a difference that can make to a housemate's perception. Even with judicious use of the dump button and bird song dubbing, the live stream offered far different views of a number of housemates - such as one whistling the sash when an Irish one wandered into the room, for instance, which never made the highlights show, or the whole fight night fiasco five years ago.

Without it, we're entirely at the whim of the editors putting together the highlights show - and as such, who the producers want to go through. Now, it may well be that Beinazir had about as much dynamicism and personality as a rawlplug, but we'll never really know, because she's notably never featured heavily in Friday or Saturday's shows.

The problem with early evictions on BB is that you genuinely have to go on first impressions - and when you're not given a chance to make that impression, you're toast. Even obnoxious housemates have a better chance of survival in those circumstances, purely because they're more likely to be remembered by the voting public than the wallflowers.

Was it the right decision by the voting public? Possibly. That said, I'd have happily seen the Love Guru dumped on the bus at the end of the show - or ideally, strapped to the front of it as the driver guns the engine and takes speed bumps at 50mph. That might wake him up out of this perpetual torpor he seems to be in.

Beinazir's eviction interview was painful to watch. Clearly in shock and obviously distressed, she's dragged by Davina through the empty crowd pens into a London Routemaster rather than the studio, given the sort of grilling that underlines just why McFail's held in such high regard by TV networks as an interviewer, then driven away with no explaination what's going on.

It was a disorientating, bizarre and excruciating experience which left me cringing and feeling distinctly sorry for Beinazir for the treatment she received at the hands of the BB production team - which I suspect was not the outcome they were looking for.

It's notable that while all this was going on, Sir Alan Sugar was over on BBC1 explaining why he picked a successful restrauteur rather than a successful sales manager as his new Apprentice>, after a task which showcased creativity, teamwork, leadership skills and intelligence. Meanwhile the non-housemates fought it out to see who could dunk a custard cream in a cup of tea the longest.

The Apprentice has, with wit, charm and stealth, already stolen Big Brother's crown as king of the reality TV contests. But last night showed just how far BB has fallen.

Freaks and geeks

2009-06-06T10:42:07Z

Every year, as Big Brother kicks off, Davina McFail shrieks that this year it'll be nastier than ever on the housemates.

And every year, she's wrong. Like the girl who cried wolf, it became such a cliche,such an oft-repeated mantra that I long since gave up on Big Brother showing any kind of vengeful spirit.

But this year, with no fuss and no fanfare, Big Brother truly has kicked off with the nastiest start in it's history.

The non-housemate gimmick, of course, has enabled the producers to test the resolve of the wannabe contestants like never before, to the point where this year's run is already starting to feel like a more sadistic version of the Word's 'I'd do anything' slot.

It kicked off with Rodrigo shaving Noirin's eyebrows off, and the hapless Dubliner being forced to maintain the subsequently drawn-on glasses and 'tache herself every day. Then camp Charlie and down-in-the-mouth Saffia earned their places after walking across a field of what they were told was broken glass.

Then last night Posh Freddie and pneumatic page 3 stunnah Sophie secured their place in the house by changing their names via deed poll.

Freddie - an Oxford graduate - is to be forever known now as Halfwit while the perky Soph will be Dogface. Even if they change their names back, those are the names the public will assign to them.

Already it shows just how fame-hungry and desperate this year's crop are. A group of people prepared to go to any lengths to guarantee themselves three months on the box - so much so that they're prepared, to all intents and purposes - to crawl over broken glass in a bid for stardom.

And for what? Earlier this week it emerged that last year's BB winner Rachel Rice, along with 2006 uberbitch Grace and her balsa-wood Vernon Kay clone of a boyfriend Mikey were available for hire for parties at £500 a pop.

This is what modern reality TV has become. A bunfight, where twenty-somethings from across the country and around the world shed their clothes and their dignity with the only consolation at the end being the chance to shill and sell themselves on stage with a bunch of beered-up students.

But this year it becomes more significant that these are the lengths the wannabes will goto. For this year, amid Channel 4's cash problems and cutbacks, the show has dumped live streaming for the first time since it started. So all their antics and actions and moves for stardom - all will be seen only in the 42 minutes of highlights broadcast every night, leaving them at the whim and mercy of Endemol's editors.

The show has long since moved on from being part-game show, part social experiment. It's now little more than a freak show. Promise one of the contestants a place in the house in exchange for biting the head off a live chicken, and someone would do it.

One day in, and Big Brother's 10th series is already it's most enlightening.