The Daily Record - Des Clarke

I've finally found my calling: Catching cold-callers cold

2012-05-26T06:25:03Z

It's been an odd few days for me recently. All about hot weather and cold calling.

Honestly, I've had that many dodgy folk on my line that I'm ready to get pulled in by the Leveson inquiry.

If you don't know what cold-calling is, it's when someone you don't know tries to sell you something. Like QVC, without the beige wallpaper and fake tan.

I've had at least a dozen of these jokers dial me up since Monday. My house phone's now hotter than a ned's sunburn.

And salespeople must think we're all dafties.

I once had a guy try to sell me a conservatory - I lived in a block of flats at the time. I had another fella on flogging me car insurance. Tough sell to a non-driver.

By this point the only place I was being driven was round the bend.

They're almost as brazen as the people who walk about town centres armed with clipboards.

These guys are called chuggers - a pretty apt word if you ask me.

The best way to make these folk leave you alone? Carry your own clipboard because it messes with their mind.

This week my phone-a-friends seemed to want my cash for three things, mainly.

Firstly fuel, specifically my gas. The guy kept insisting he could heat my house cheaper.

A tricky sales pitch at the best of times but in the middle of a mini-heatwave? Good luck, pal.

I think his brain cell might have melted. Honestly, just run a pipe from his gub and you'd have all the hot gas you'll ever need for free.

Then there was Mr Persistent - the man who claimed my computer was jiggered and the only way to fix it was to give him my bank details.

Good one, mate, do you want my PIN number as well? He said yes. I couldn't believe my ears.

Used to be if a stranger phoned you about windows they meant double glazing. I felt like booting him in his hard drive.

And who can forget the PPI people? It stands for personal protection insurance, by the way.

Well, by the end of the call I was advising him to take out some personal protection insurance. In case I ever see him and bounce my phone handset off his coupon.

Anyway, I'm still in the middle of phone hell, wondering who the next nutter to ring will be.

Honestly, I'm praying for a heavy breather just to break it up. Cold-calling?

This lot just leave me hot and bothered.

Time to fast-track this lot into oblivion

2012-05-26T06:24:16Z

The X Factor has denied giving some acts a more favourable audition process by fast-tracking them in the early stages.

I'm all for fast-tracking some acts. As long as the fast track they're put on is Silverstone during the British Grand Prix.

Talking of X Factor, Geri Halliwell's been doing a shift as a guest judge on the talent show.

Kelly Rowland almost choked. And the noises she made probably still sound better than Geri's singing.

● Halfords have been named as the worst store in Britain for rude and unhelpful staff. Sure, a lot of them will tell you where to go.

But they will at least try to sell you a sat-nav to help you get there.

● Tulisa was caught up in a scuffle at Glasgow Airport. Someone tried to smack her PA in the mouth. Nice to see John Smeaton's still busy.

Tulisa knew what to do immediately, though - get your head down and let the cameras pick everything up. It's an old trick her ex-boyfriend taught her.

● I'm not a fan of the Chelsea Flower Show but I did tune in to see one badly trimmed border. It was Alan Titchmarsh's hair.

I also saw that three gardens from Essex won gold medals. We shouldn't be surprised. The Essex entries were the only ones who vajazzled their bushes.

Facial idea is baaarmy

2012-05-26T06:22:29Z

Victoria Beckham has reportedly been splashing out on £320 facials using sheep placenta.

That explains why she's pouting all the time. The lassie's trying her best not to swallow.

Meanwhile, hubby David sent Obama some of his designer underpants after their recent meeting.

They're meant to reflect Becks' game these days, supporting up front and useful in a holding role.

● Europe continues to be in turmoil over fears that Greece may quit the euro. Personally, I hope they stay in. Nobody wants to see them make a drachma out of a crisis.

● Spaghetti Junction has celebrated its 40th birthday. It's been named as Britain's favourite road interchange.

It's easy to see why - it gives you so many ways of avoiding Birmingham.

● The first skydiver to land safely without a parachute has admitted he was frightened to death.

In fact, there was so much warm air emanating from his bum he could nearly have taken off again.

He described the vivid feeling of hurtling towards the ground, unsure of his safety and where he was going to land. He prepared by flying with Ryanair.

● A new report has revealed there are three key areas where maths teaching at schools must be improved. They are 1) Fractions, 2) Geometry and 4) Basic Arithmetic.

● It turns out that warm doughnuts could now also be hit by George Osborne's pasty tax.

Seriously, he'd be quicker just dressing as the Grim Reaper and going round to Greggs' head office.

Support for the controversial tax has even dipped among large bodies of Tory MPs. The large bodies, of course, being Ken Clarke and Eric Pickles.

● THE England squad's first training session under Roy Hodgson took place this week.

It was just a short stint then the players headed home ahead of the serious stuff starting.

Which is great preparation for what they'll be doing at the Euros.

On your sparks, get set, glow...let flames begin

2012-05-19T06:23:03Z

Right, this is the bit we're supposed to start getting really excited. Yes, the Olympic flame arrived on British soil yesterday.

It started its journey in Cornwall, where the locals immediately worshipped it as a new sun god.

Mind you, that flame came in handy in Cornwall. Bakers there are now using it to reheat VAT-free cold pasties.

The flame was officially handed over to London at the Panathenaic Stadium in Athens.

The Greeks were absolutely delighted - they couldn't afford the gas bill to keep it running.

The commentator on the news described the setting as an ancient ruined stadium.

He obviously hasn't been to watch lower league football in Scotland.

The poor old Greeks, though. They're now so poor they can't even afford to smash plates at weddings.

In fact, the one bit of good news about all this is that they're so rooked their Eurovision entry can't afford to travel to the show.

That's three minutes less pain for us next weekend.

Anyway, having been flown here from Athens, the flame will tour the UK over the next couple of months.

Which is still quicker than flying it to Heathrow and getting through that mental immigration queue.

Ryanair did kindly offer to fly it but the torch couldn't be bothered printing its boarding pass online first. The flame didn't travel alone, though - David Beckham accompanied it here on the plane.

Things didn't go according to plan, though, as Becks spent the first half-hour chatting the torch up thinking it was some hot redhead.

This came off the back of him getting slagged by Barack Obama at an official Whitehouse reception in honour of his title-winning team.

The president asked him: "Where's the trophy?"

Becks replied: "She's at home looking after the kids."

Understandably, security around the Olympics is very tight. Seriously, that torch has got more minders than Katie Price, though it has been handled by fewer men.

Eventually the flame will end up at the Olympic Stadium.

As such, organisers have confirmed that a safety device, which can be used as a sonic weapon, will be deployed during the

2012 Games.

It produces the most horrendous noise ever heard at an Olympic Stadium. Not counting Kriss Akabusi's laugh.

So, are you excited yet?

The torch is here but it seems like we're burned out with the Olympics already. Or maybe we all just need to lighten up.

Dannii and Simon's game of musical affairs

2012-05-19T06:21:25Z

● Dannii Minogue has reportedly turned down £1million to return to The X Factor. I guess no amount of cash is worth spending three months in a room with Louis Walsh.

There's also been a row over the seating arrangements. Dannii wanted Simon on a different chair. Simon wanted her on his lap.

● RAF Lossiemouth has been tipped to host the UK's first Spaceport. Good stuff, but it won't be the first time we've sent rockets out of Scottish airspace. Every flight to Magaluf is full of them.

● Congratulations to Ashleigh and her dancing dog Pudsey on winning this year's Britain's Got Talent.

Little Pudsey's still learning how to dance. Though after winning half a million quid he's now definitely forgotten how to beg.

In fact, the duo are reportedly being tapped up to appear in the new series of Big Brother. Obviously they can't go on the celebrity version - they're already far too famous for that.

The latest chat is that Pudsey has been piling on the weight after being given too many treats following his big win.

Luckily he's still got time to get the traditional celebrity cure for obesity. A coke habit.

Britney's speared new role

2012-05-19T06:20:18Z

Britney Spears was unveiled as a new X Factor USA judge this week.

Doing that show will make a really nice change for Britney.

The last time she appeared in front of a bunch of judges they took her kids off her.

Her real strength will be improving the vocal performances of the people she's mentoring. By showing them how to mime.

● Will Smith has attended the UK premiere of Men in Black 3. It features scary creatures that look like they're from another world.

They should rename it for the British market - how about Men in Blackpool?

● A 67-year-old man died after getting several lap dances at a strip club.

Yet Peter Stringfellow is still alive - there's no justice.

Robert Gene White from Texas was partying at the Red Parrot club when he fell off his perch.

You can tell the old boy was excited when he went, though. He passed away last week - they're still trying to close the coffin lid.

● The government are bringing forward the recruitment of 70 border staff to help prevent long queues at Heathrow airport following this year's Olympic Games.

Fortunately, the applicants will all have experience of long queues. They're currently signing on.

Charlie feels a warm front in the heir - lucky Camilla

2012-05-12T06:12:46Z

Did anyone else think it was the apocalypse this week? I switched on the telly to see Prince Charles doing the weather.

Either that or Sean Batty's really let himself go. Big Chas talked about a warm front at Balmoral.

Sounds like Camilla was in for a good night then.

As for Charlie doing the weather full time, I can't see it. He's not the best at giving someone the elbow from their job.

Let's face it, he's being trying to do it to his ma for years now.

Talking of which, as it's Jubilee Year, the Queen herself won't be outdone. News this week that her favourite dog has seen a huge boost in popularity.

You can't buy them from just anyone of course - they have to be Corgi registered. Yes, the Kennel Club say, thanks to the royals, there has been a rise in the number of people buying Corgis in the past few months.

In case you don't know much about them they're inbred, foreign, generally short-haired. And own Corgis.

And let's not forget her Maj was front and centre this week with the Queen's Speech.

She announced plans to make it easier for companies to give workers the sack.

A law on driving under the influence of drugs was included too. That's unless you're driving in one of Scotland's new towns.

In which case being out of your skull is the only way to make sense of all the roundabouts.

Prince Charles had the final word, though, when he concluded his trip to Scotland with a visit to The Scheme in Kilmarnock.

HRH loved it.

The same couldn't be said for the locals, however.

They heard Charlie was coming and were a bit confused when the guy with big ears didn't bring any white powder.

All in all, though, Bonnie Prince Charlie had a good few days north of the border.

When asked to describe how he felt about it, his answer was obvious. One was happy as Larry.

● The Government have now changed their mind over the type of fighter planes they are ordering for the Royal Navy.

I'm not saying they've taken the cheap option, but if it kicks off in the Falklands, our planes are going to be made out of folded paper.

Talking of penny pinching, David Cameron has been warned by charity groups that our pensioners could face another harsh winter after all the cuts.

It's alright, Big Dave has an idea. He's going to make them all peers. That way they can keep warm all day by sitting asleep in the House of Lords.

● Bad times. Experts have warned that around half of all UK men will be obese within 30 years.

Good times. Finally we'll be able to export something to the Japanese - sumo wrestlers.

● The iconic high street store Clinton cards have gone into administration. What a shame. The one card they're now no longer printing is business cards.

Still, I had to laugh at the line my mate Dougie came out with when he heard about it. "Clinton Cards - folded."

Britney puts pen to paper...that's a first

2012-05-12T06:10:52Z

Top boyband The Wanted have denied that Britney Spears was a diva to them when they met backstage at a gig in Manchester.

They say she was full of sweetness and light.

Well, sweetness and light ale to be more precise.

Meanwhile, Britney has officially signed on to become part of the X Factor USA judging panel.

She says she agreed to do it because of her love for music and new talent.

Aye, Britters, and I'm sure the 10million quid never entered your head. That said, putting pen to paper marks real progress for Britney.

Well, it means doctors are finally allowing her to hold sharp objects again.

● New York's emergency services fielded nearly four million accidental calls last year. Most are believed to be bum calls. I know that sounds like a chatline for tramps, but it's what happens when you sit on the phone and dial a wrong number.

It's not just an American thing though.

I've got a total a**e trying to call my house all the time.

He keeps trying to sell me double glazing and insurance.

The Voice should be so lucky...

2012-05-12T06:09:59Z

Producers of The Voice are lining up Cheryl Cole and Kylie Minogue in an attempt to boost ratings.

Forget about singing, getting them to watch it would be a good start.

Show judge Danny O'Donoghue is already looking at other projects and is being tapped up to host his own chat show.

As a talk show host, you have to fawn over a bunch of nonentities and tell them how great they are.

Judging by the shift he's put in over the past few weeks, that one's in the bag.

● Scientists claim giant dinosaurs could have warmed the planet with their flatulence 150million years ago. Yuk!

The most consistent trumper even had its own name. The very-sore-ass.

● Big names from the world of hairdressing have paid tribute to Vidal Sassoon. It was a case of "so long Sassoon" really.

Apparently, his coffin was a bit too big to fit through his front door though. It's alright, being a hairdresser, they just took a bit off the top and shaved the sides.

An Olympic soap opera

2012-05-12T06:09:08Z

Eastenders bosses have held a crisis meeting after millions of viewers deserted the show. People aren't interested in seeing a bunch of druggies going round London's East End. If they want that, they'll just watch the Olympics.

● Matthew Wright's Channel 5 show is being investigated by the media watchdog - surely over the fact it's listed as an entertainment programme.

Actually it's over a survey it conducted about offensive words. I won't repeat them here but you can find the offensive words I'm talking about in a dictionary - next to a picture of Matthew Wright...

● Big sports news. David Haye and Dereck Chisora have signed a deal to fight at West Ham's football ground, despite not having licences.

The fight is expected to go 12 rounds. Though the press conference before should go to 15.

Marriage is like snooker.... you're longing for a break

2012-05-05T08:20:32Z

THERE'S an easy way for a guy to remember his wedding anniversary. Just forget it once.

Yes, a year ago all the talk was about the royal wedding. Twelve months on and William and Kate spent their first anniversary in private with friends. Theirs is an unconventional marriage indeed. After a year of being together they still have friends.

Also nice to see William decided to spend the anniversary the same way most blokes spend their wedding night - getting steaming with his mates.

In fairness, his old man isn't the best influence.

Prince Charles says he's had rows with Camilla, mainly over the heating in their home. Camilla keeps wanting to turn it up, while Charles prefers putting on extra clothes.

Personally, I'd just throw some more hay in for the pair of them and forget about it.

I'm surprised, though. Knowing Prince Charles's marriage history, I just presumed the atmosphere would be permanently frosty.

All this comes in the same week a survey has come out saying Brits have fallen out of love with marriage. What a ridiculous suggestion - the idea that love has anything to do with marriage.

Seriously, the same survey says divorce is fashionable. Another load of tosh.

If that was the case it would mean Katie Price would have been fashionable at least twice in her life.

It's got so bad that folk are starting to have divorce parties now. They're just like weddings, only at the end of it you end up giving half of everything to someone you can't stand.

The festivities start with the divorcee getting walked down the aisle by their solicitor.

The good news is they still have the cutting of the cake. It's just that they usually have to remove the knife from their own back first.

Marriage and romance aren't completely dead yet, though.

Only the other day, a snooker fan proposed to his partner at the World Championships.

She didn't answer right away. In fact, the poor guy was on one knee so long he asked the referee for a rest.

Come to think of it, marriage is a bit like snooker. The more you're involved with it, the more your aim is to have a really long break. And by the end you'll probably see your balls disappear.

That said, I'm a bit of an old romantic so I still believe in getting wed. Though, admittedly, that's probably because I've never been married. Do I think marriage is still alive? I'll answer that in two words - I do.

At last, Tulisa has download as popular with girls as boys

2012-05-05T08:15:51Z

AFTER being named the World's Sexiest Woman, Tulisa's debut solo single is heading for No1.

Her song has been described as an anthem for young women. It means she has now been downloaded by teenage girls almost as many times as teenage boys.

Elsewhere, her N-Dubz pal Dappy has been charged with affray after an alleged fight, which was caught on CCTV. Good old Dappy. Making sure Tulisa's not the only member of the band you can see in an embarrassing video.

IRON Maiden lead singer Bruce Dickinson says he hopes to create hundreds of jobs in south Wales by launching an aircraft maintenance business there. Of course, he's not the first rock star to help the jobless in a poor country. Keith Richards has created thousands of jobs for Columbian farmers.

KELLY Rowland has said she will not be returning to the X Factor panel. It just shows that Kelly never really got the point of the show. It's the acts that are supposed to have one-year careers, not the judges.

THE Scream, one of the world's most famous paintings has been sold for £74million at auction in New York. They say it's the most vivid description of a man screaming ever witnessed, outwith a Village People gig or a male celebrity being forced to go on Loose Women.

BLUE'S Lee Ryan was excused from jury service because the judge recognised him. Lee was delighted. Not at getting off jury service but that someone knew who he was.

THE Queen is to make a guest appearance on the children's hit cartoon Peppa Pig, in an episode where Peppa visits Buckingham Palace. I've been given a sneak peek and it looks hilarious. Apparently, The Queen tries to make Peppa into an MBE and Prince Philip tries to make her into a roast dinner.

A UNIVERSITY in Essex has started offering the world's first degree in plastic surgery. You have to sit a unique exam at the end of it. Instead of writing a thousand lines, you have to remove them.

ROY HODGSON has urged everyone to get behind the England team as he takes over as manager. From what I've seen it's pretty easy to get behind the England team. Just ask any forward with a bit of pace.

Favourite for the job Harry Redknapp says he bears no grudges. In fact, he's agreed to go to the Euros as part of the BBC's team of pundits. Obviously, the TV job will be a bit different. For a start, he won't be coming home after the first week.

Rush of pain to the ears

2012-05-05T08:12:21Z

COLDPLAY frontman Chris Martin has revealed that he has suffered from tinnitus for a decade. What a coincidence.

Tinnitus produces a constant ringing noise in your ears that gives you headaches. I got pretty much the same effect by listening to the last Coldplay album.

SO Blackpool has some of the dirtiest beaches in the UK. That's a bit rude, I think the women there are pretty classy. No, of course we're talking about the seaside there.

I was down there recently and I couldn't see any dirt on the beach. Mainly because I couldn't find it among the chip pokes and beer cans.

Then there was that unpleasant gift the donkey left. Well I presume it was the donkey - definitely someone's ass anyway. I think that's what they call The Big One.

THERE'S been some bemusement that Duran Duran are headlining a big Olympics 2012 gig.

Personally, I'd have chosen a rapper. After all, the Olympics is all about extravagance, drugs and giant rings.

Staying with the games, a British Olympic wrestler has failed a drug test and faces a two-year ban from the sport.

Organisers became suspicious of the wrestler's sudden muscle growth and spurt in body hair. But I thought she looked all right.

We shouldn't be too surprised, though, wrestlers are always more likely to take drugs. With their strong grips they're one of the few who can get the lids off medicine bottles.

I'm always first in cue when snooker is on TV

2012-04-28T06:21:27Z

LIKE a lot of folk, I've been watching the snooker all week.

I like the fact that it's on late at night. There's nothing more comfortable than dozing off to the sound of Willie Thorne's voice. Well, maybe apart from Babestation.

It's been a real trip down memory lane for me.

Growing up, the world snooker final was the only thing I was allowed to stay up late to watch.

And my favourite telly programme was Big Break. That's right, I loved snooker so much I even put up with watching Jim Davidson. I used to play at my local snooker club every weekend. I remember the club being full of "interesting'' characters.

There were a lot of guys more at home stuffing snooker balls in a sock than in the pocket.

A few did remind me of Ronnie, right enough. Though it was Kray rather than O'Sullivan.

Put it this way, you were surprised when someone brought a case in there and there was actually a snooker cue inside it.

I enjoyed playing the game but I wasn't brilliant. So what was my biggest break in snooker? Probably the time I snapped my cue over my knee.

Even before that though, I remember playing on a mini-snooker set that sat on the floor in my living room.

On reflection, holding little wooden sticks chasing balls round a table was more like an annoying Chinese meal.

I really was well into it. As a kid I would happily name you all the snooker world champions in the history of The Crucible. Then I got a girlfriend.

I loved it so much I even had a vinyl single of Chas & Dave's Snooker Loopy. If you don't remember Chas & Dave just think Jedward with facial hair and talent.

That's right, back in the 80s a song about snooker could get into the Top 40.

And David Icke was considered in a fit state of mind to present the coverage. Eventually he really did go snooker loopy.

So, sad as it might be, I am loving having the old snooker back on the box.

If nothing else it means we see a bit less of the muppets from daytime TV for a couple of weeks.

Which proves one thing. Snooker's much more than just a load of balls.

There's only One Direction for band...down

2012-04-28T06:20:22Z

●ONE DIRECTION stars Louis Tomlinson and Liam Payne have bungee jumped off Auckland's Sky Tower in New Zealand.

They experienced what it's like to be suddenly dropped.

Should be the perfect preparation for what Simon Cowell will do to them in a couple of years time.

●Speak of the devil, literally.

Cowell is reportedly dating a jet-setter from Brazil.

And he will do so until he realises she's not a ladyboy.

●A TORY MP has described David Cameron and George Osborne as "two arrogant posh boys" who don't understand ordinary people's needs. Though they both say that's ridiculous, according to a statement released from their butlers.

Cameron blames the Government's difficulties on communication problems.

At least I think that's what he said. It's hard to understand with those plums in his mouth.

●ACCORDING to the surviving members of the Jackson 5, Michael Jackson could tour as a hologram with the band.

To clear up any confusion, the definition of a hologram is a two-dimensional thing you can almost see through that's scary and not quite human. Sounds perfect.

●A 21-GUN salute has been fired by the Navy to mark the Queen's 86th birthday. I'm guessing that's like a posh version of giving somebody their dumps.

Prince Philip also fired a gun 21 times. That wasn't in tribute, just how he keeps the staff on their toes.

●ANGRY Birds has been named best game at the Appy Awards for the second year in a row. In fact, they're developing a version of Angry Birds for TV.

Though, if you watch Loose Women, you could argue that they already have done.

●ITV have confirmed that the African vets series Wild At Heart has been axed.

Like most animals they waited until it was past its best then put it out of its misery. The viewers as well.

To be fair to ITV, they say there's no need for another show starring animals. True. They've got Take Me Out.