The Daily Record - Joan McFadden

Friday dilemma: How do I control daughter's greediness?

2011-08-26T08:03:00Z

Q I'M really worried about my nine year-old daughter's weight. She is six stones but she is average height so noticeably overweight. She can be greedy - and not just about food.

She demands attention from me when I am dealing with either of her brothers and is insistent about choosing which channel we watch on television or where we go for a walk.
The other things I can deal with but the food issue is a real problem because I don't want to give her a phobia, especially if I say something in front of her brothers.
If we have cake or pudding and I don't use it all, she'll cram her food into her mouth as fast as possible so she can get seconds.
I don't want her behaving like that at other people's houses and I don't want to give her a phobia about being overweight.
But I don't want her to eat herself into a miserable, fat adulthood with all the potential health and bullying problems that will inevitably come with it.
I tell her she needs to eat healthily all the time.
I don't ban sweets and crisps but I do try to limit her intake of them.
She does some exercise but she is very lazy when it comes to walking to school or taking the dog out and I am not happy about the sort of person she is turning into. I also don't think she is happy in herself.

Friday dilemma: Joan's solution

2011-08-26T08:02:00Z

A YOUNG children do tend to eat what they are given. But it also sounds as if your daughter wants the biggest share of everything, whether that is attention, making decisions or family choices.

Start by making it clear that everyone in the family should have their fair share.
Address her weight issues with that in mind.
Children need a diet that contains essential nutrients, including fats, but they don't need crisps, fizzy drinks or carryout food.
They need proper food so don't cut out pasta, rice and potatoes. The amount could be the problem, so be sensible about portion size and make a general "no seconds" rule.
Exercise as a family and make walking to school the norm. As part of making family life fair, you could introduce a rota for dog-walking and make sure she does her share.
You don't want to make her paranoid, nor give her worries that might impact on her eating habits.
But you can get her involved in cooking healthy meals and enjoying producing something delicious for everyone to eat.

Friday dilemma: Your verdicts

2011-08-26T08:01:49Z

SHE'S nine, so you can sort this out to some extent before she stops being under your control.

This isn't just about food but her desire to get the lion's share of everything.
It would help if you made it clear that everything needs to be fairly shared.
Say "No seconds" and stick to it, so then if she crams her food in it just means she's finished before everyone else.
We have started cycling as a family as a way to get exercise in our daily routine.
We have joined the gym as well and go swimming three times a week and I let my husband take the car to work so the kids and I have to walk, cycle or get the bus if we're going anywhere.
Don't just tell her to eat healthily, show her, if necessary, by losing weight.
Frances
I COOK with my kids everyday. They know what goes into their meals. You shouldn't be putting a child of that age on a diet but I would get rid of sweets and crisps and change their idea of a treat as well as practising portion control.
The most important thing is to measure portions and to not pressure your kids to finish every bite on their plate.
Keep puddings or cakes only for Sundays and try lovely fruit like watermelon as a treat during the week.
Sandra

Nine-year-old isn't cutting it in school

2011-08-25T05:33:26Z

Q: MY nine-year-old daughter is not academic. She's full of enthusiasm, has lots of friends, is very sporty and enjoys life. But she won't settle to study even though she has friends who are already learning French.

I'm a single parent and I want the best for her, but I don't know how to get her to focus. Her dad just says she'll grow up and realise what she has to do.

But we live in such competitive times that I'm worried about the future. The school say she's very happy, a bit vague at times but they're not worried.

Should I be saving up and getting tutors for her so she does the best she can? A: WHY not compromise? Don't try tutors yet but have a chat with your daughter and say you expect her to be as enthusiastic about school as she is about everything else.

Get her to read a book a week and limit TV. There's plenty time to get her on track.

I don't know what to do about shock pregnancy

2011-08-25T05:33:24Z

Q: I Have an older sister who has struggled through eight terrible heartbreaking years of fertility treatment that have amounted to nothing.

She is 39 and feels time is starting to run out. She and her husband are sad and they are practically broke. I don't think she has the heart to even think about adoption.

I have a friend who has an autistic son and he is getting worse by the day and everyone can see it.

She is so exhausted and terrified of the future, as is another friend from school who has a Down's syndrome child. He's a lovely little boy but their hearts are broken.

Nothing seems straightforward or pleasant for any of them when it comes to children. I know that isn't the case for everyone and, although I've always worried about this, it's never got to me until now.

Normally, I'm a controlled and organised person but I had a relationship with a totally unsuitable man and now, at 36, I'm pregnant - unplanned - and I don't know what to do.

He has said that he will happily be a father but although he is great fun he is so laid back that it scares me.

How can he be a father when he's hardly grown up himself? I'm so used to my sister and my friends having parenthood problems that I don't know where to turn.

My parents think I'd take a baby in my stride but what happens if this isn't a normal baby, or one that has major needs? I don't want to hurt my sister or to be frightened of the future.

A: IT'S hard for you to make a decision because people close to you are having such a hard time. Get things clear in your mind one question at a time.

If you weren't worried about upsetting your sister would you have the baby? If that is the case, don't dismiss your laidback partner and assume he'd be a poor parent - children need a balance and great fun is very important in families.

Everyone worries about their unborn babies but there are some tests you can have to set your mind at rest. If you do decide to have the baby tell your sister before anyone else does.

His promotion is my problem

2011-08-25T05:33:22Z

Q: THREE months ago I was offered promotion at work. I wasn't keen on more hours because my husband works 50 hours and I have to do all the chores.

However, he promised to help out more. But that only lasted two weeks and last night he was sulking because his dinner wasn't ready.

A: YOU made a deal and he has to help.

Ask him what he was thinking when he sulked about his dinner. If he won't help, suggest you ask for a demotion and that might get him thinking.

Will Army life raise bar?

2011-08-25T05:33:20Z

Q: ALL I've done since I left school five years ago is bar work as I didn't work hard for my exams. Lots of my friends have finished college and are buying cars and flats and that's never going to happen to me. I want to join the Army but my mum says it's dangerous and no job for a girl.

A: THERE are lots of women in the Army. But it has its risks and you must join for the right reason. You could plan to join in a year. Until then continue with your bar work, save as much as you can and do some study. ILA Scotland is a Scottish Government scheme that helps pay for learning so check out www.ilascotland.org.uk

My parents want to rule my life

2011-08-24T07:39:00Z

Q MY parents try to rule my life because they came here from a different country and culture and, although I'm studying, they expect me to go into the family business when I finish but I'm not interested in it.

Also I've met a girl I really like and, although my parents aren't talking about an arranged marriage, they think I should only settle down with someone from the same religion as me but I'm not a kid.

Being a parent means supporting your child and their choices, not smothering them. I'm sure they love me because they took care of everything to help me along but they cannot live my life for me. When I tell them, it's as if they don't hear.

I told them I want to gain extra work experience to understand how their type of business is conducted in other countries. So now they're looking to get relatives abroad to help but I don't want this.

I've started seeing this girl and want us to go abroad together next year but I know my parents wouldn't want that so I haven't told them.

This is taking my mind off my studies and it's like I'm living two different lives - the life my parents think I'm having and the life that I want.

A THIS isn't easy but before it gets more complicated you need to be more honest with your parents - you cannot say you should be treated like an adult if you don't behave like one.

Sit down for a long chat with them at a time when neither is engrossed in work and you're not likely to be interrupted. Be totally honest with them.

Explain about your girlfriend and say you would like them to meet her.

You want to go abroad with her, so perhaps the two of you should be making your own arrangements, rather than relying on your parents.

Tell them that you want to finish your course then consider your options, but you think it's unlikely that the family business is your next step.

Be straightforward, answer their questions and end the confusion about what you all want.

Should I choose my fella or my mates?

2011-08-24T05:33:34Z

Q MY boyfriend took my mobile phone out of my bag and read all the messages on it. He said he didn't like the tone of a conversation with my cousin, who's so close he's like my brother and also went on about messages from male friends, saying I shouldn't be in touch with them if I'm going out with him.

I'm mad about him but I don't think this is right. He said if I minded I obviously had something to hide and I had to decide whether I wanted to be with him or still contacting whoever I liked.

A HE invaded your privacy, showed absolutely no embarrassment about reading your messages and instead made completely unreasonable demands based on his inexcusable behaviour.

No matter how much you like him you clearly have reservations about what went on here and you're absolutely right - stick with your cousin and be friends with whoever you like.

Neighbour's drums are driving me mad

2011-08-24T05:33:31Z

Q THE boy next door has got a drum kit and the racket is awful. I work nights and I can't cope when he starts banging away for half an hour in the morning.

I don't mind it so much at the weekend and I know my own kids could end up with musical instruments as they get older but this is driving me mad.

A IT sounds as if it's the timing as much as the noise that is causing problems so why not take that approach with his parents? Be really pleasant, explain you work nights and could you agree on practise times to suit all of you. He could get skins for his drums, which would reduce the noise so suggest that as well.

Girl is so different from her brother

2011-08-24T05:33:29Z

Q OUR son was always easy going and very straightforward and at 14, he still is. I don't expect all children to be the same but our 10-year-old daughter is the complete opposite and it's so tiring.

I thought boys were meant to be the noisy ones but she never stops and she's always yelling and running around. She won't do as she's told.

A STOP comparing them and decide how you would like your daughter to behave and what sanctions you need to put in place to ensure this.

Be consistent, calm and direct - if you do this, or don't stop doing that, this is what's going to happen - then make sure you follow through.

I'm convinced dad loves my sister more than me

2011-08-23T07:29:00Z

Q MY dad gets on much better with my sister than he does with me and it upsets me so much. She's only a year younger than me, and I don't think we're that much different, but they seem to have a different bond and I feel left out more and more the older I get.

My mum says it's just that they share a sense of humour but it's more than that. He's a very hard-working person and can get very tense but she seems able to have a giggle with him more than I do.

We both still live at home, we're both working and have long-term boyfriends but she can talk to my dad much more easily than me and can always make him laugh, no matter how tired or fed up he might be.

She works quite near where he's based and they go out for lunch sometimes or in the evening they'll go off for a walk.

I know I'd be quite welcome but I can't shake the feeling that they don't enjoy themselves as much if anyone else is there.

He's never shown any favouritism, and we did much the same at school and college.

But I'm convinced that he prefers her, though I could never bring the subject up as he's not the sort of person who would talk easily about his feelings.

Mum says he dotes on both of us and is very proud of me recently being promoted. But I want him to love me and have a good time with me like he does with my sister but I don't think it will ever happen.

A FIRSTLY, listen to your mum and trust her when she says he dotes on both of you.

Then stop trying to think about your relationship as being the same as the one he has with your sister.

You value your parents for their different qualities and get on with them in different ways, which is exactly what happens with children - especially when they grow up.

If you want to spend more time with your dad - and don't want to feel you're muscling in on things with your sister - carve out your own space.

If you can't meet at lunchtime, suggest you catch up after work or go for the evening walks with them - suggest your mum goes too - and enjoy being with both of them. You sound like a strong and close family and each person has their own part to play in keeping that unit sound.

I'm worried about brother's aggressive dog

2011-08-23T05:33:35Z

Q MY brother's dog is a horrible, slobbering, aggressive creature. I don't want my kids near it but he says I'm overreacting.

He takes it to my mum's when we're there and the children hate it - it's very edgy and frightens them but he says that's because of me.

A YOU don't want your children to be afraid of animals though you should teach them to take care, especially near dogs they don't know.

Try not telling him when you're going to your mum's and stay calm around the dog. If you're genuinely uneasy, don't make a fuss but keep your distance.

I fear husband has hots for friend

2011-08-23T05:33:32Z

Q WE went on holiday this summer with my friend and her husband and since then I think he fancies her.

She sunbathed topless most days and although my husband had sunglasses on, I could see he spent lots of time gazing at her.

I told him and he laughed and said to give it a rest - part of the holiday is seeing everyone else in their smalls and it doesn't mean he fancies her. But I really think he does.

A IT doesn't matter how much this bothers you, you have to let it go. You've told him what you think, he's responded with a joke and you must stop going on about her or you'll really concentrate his mind on her.

Tight flatmate is driving me crazy

2011-08-23T05:33:28Z

Q MY flatmate is so tight. We have a kitty in the flat but if we go for coffee or lunch, he's very reluctant to take a turn paying.

We started paying separately and now we go through a routine of taking the bill apart, which drives me mad. He earns more than me and drives a fancy car. Apart from this we get on well. Am I being petty?

A MONEY can cause huge problems but why is he behaving like this? Perhaps he has cash worries.

Approach it from the concerned angle. Ask if he would prefer if you ordered and paid separately. At least you will have raised the subject and you are unlikely to lose your rag. Once he knows you're aware of this he might stop.