The Daily Record - John McKie

Time for bosses to get real.. reality telly's had its day

2011-11-08T08:20:00Z

YOU know those graphs that show the apes slowly turning into human species?

The next is likely to show the same species regressing into contestants from Jordan's new show.

The programme, Signed by Katie Price (working title: The Price Is Wrong), has the dumbest of dumb blondes auditioning to be the new Jordan, something we need about as much as a new bubonic plague.

The terracotta nightmare who married Alex Reid and Peter Andre is looking for someone "beautiful" and "intelligent".

At one point, she told an aspiring model: "I would have liked you to have been classy."

Physician, heal thyself. It's a very original programme. They have a boot camp (one guess who the boot is), all the contestants live in a house and do tasks and one gets voted off every week.

Signed by Katie Price has no public phonelines.

If it did, social services' switchboard would be in meltdown. There are two amazing things about the programme.

First, that she can actually sign her name with all the letters in the right order.

Second being Jordan 2.0 is not, if you'll excuse the pun, the ultimate booby prize on reality TV.

Having Alan Sugar bark orders at you in a computer warehouse in Essex is much worse.

So is being the winner of The Bachelor, where the winner chosen by Gavin Henson has to watch endless Welsh rugby matches, take calls from Charlotte Church about custody arrangements for the weekend and make room for their own toiletries in amongst Gav's vats of fake tan.

The worst one to win is that televised experiment in witness protection, Big Brother.

The winner of the latest Big Bro leaves the house for good on Friday night.

That's handy because they can start work at the garage on Monday morning. Reality TV is over.

The X Factor is struggling and the only shows that continue to rate highly - the ballroom dancing and the jungle - feature stars, not punters.

The final nail in the coffin for reality TV is the attempt to find a new version of Katie Price.

It's not even the second version. The plastic surgeon has already given us about seven different versions as it is.

Actor gets a dig in the HIbs from Tom Cruise

2011-11-08T06:33:48Z

? THERE has been a delayed arrival for two pandas from China for Edinburgh Zoo. Turns out it was part of the Derek Riordan swap deal with Hibs.

Dougray Scott said he "tried to explain the Hibs thing" to Tom Cruise when they were filming together.

Scientologist Tom then explained to Dougray the "Xenu dictator of a Galactic Confederacy 75 million years ago thing", which made slightly more sense.

Xenu was, of course, in the main stand the last time Hibs won the Scottish Cup.

? THEY held the G20 summit at the same time as the Miss World pageant. And Silvio Berlusconi was torn about which one to attend.

Miss Scotland made the final this year but had it written into her contract that she didn't have to date Kyle Lafferty.

There are some obvious differences in both events: MISS WORLD: Puerto Rico in third place, Philippines in second and Venezuela first. The 2011 result. G20: Germany in third, Japan in second and America first. The result in 2011, 2010, 2009...

Miss World: They say a prayer for world peace. G20: What's world peace? MISS WORLD: The women are all gorgeous. Men stand around but don't really do anything. G20: Angela Merkel turned up. But men, well, this one has the same outcome.

tha? GET well soon, Harry Redknapp. First time this season that he's been remotely troubled by hearts.

? THAT moronic club owner from The Only Way Is Essex is reportedly "in talks to develop his own reality show". Only with the voices in his head.

Sir Bruce not Strictly an ad for Dignitas

2011-11-08T06:33:47Z

Coronation Street is to have product placement for the first time. On Sunday, the BBC screened their first ad - for a Dignitas Clinic in Switzerland. Either that or it was Brucie singing on Strictly.

A DOCUMENTARY revealed Michelle Mone irons her banknotes. So what? Rangers owner Craig Whyte irons his overdraft statements.

? A COMPUTER glitch saw Oban's £6000 firework display last barely a minute.

Scotland's defenders lasted a whole three minutes more than that against Spain. And the four of them are worth at least seven grand.

Loose Women should have scribbled on Janet Street-Porter pic

2011-11-08T06:33:45Z

Stars of Loose Women apologised for scribbling on pictures of Katherine Jenkins and Myleene Klass. And for not scribbling on the photo of Janet Street-Porter and making her unrecognisable.

LAWYER Paul McBride on the Scottish Tories: "They are the most moronic, dysfunctional, introspective bunch of MSPs I've ever seen." That is one high bar.

? THEY want two Scots for the busted flush Team GB. They can have James McCarthy and Aiden McGeady.

Plenty to mock on X Factor

2011-11-08T06:33:42Z

At the beginning of Saturday's X Factor, Gary Barlow looked at Johnny Robinson and said with a straight face: "You're making a mockery of this competition."

The competition, which had the man with the seven girls tattooed on his bum, a John Galliano-lookalike singing The Hippy Hippy Shake, Same Difference having a pillow fight on stage and Simon Cowell (just like Dennis Waterman) doing the theme tune. The very same. How dare he make a mockery of it.

Johnny and The Risk disappeared down the plughole on Sunday.

According to mentor Louis, Johnny "ticks every box", including - if you believe the papers - the one applying for incapacity benefit.

The Risk, now in their 783rd line-up, had new member Ashford for barely nine days. Kim Kardashian has marriages that last longer than that. Wonder if the other guys organised a leaving do?

You now have a one in 76,000,000 chance of winning the EuroMillions Lottery, a one in 77 chance of being killed in a car accident and a one in seven chance of becoming a member of The Risk.

We can't go on like this.. so fair play to people in tents

2011-11-01T07:27:40Z

We Can't Go On Like This. That was what was written on the David Cameron pre-election posters before some wag wrote underneath, "With Suspicious Minds."

Even though the sight of Cameron on the news would make anyone want to borrow Elvis's revolver for their own telly, We Can't Go On Like This. Seriously.

Sir Fred Goodwin remains Sir Fred Goodwin, Britain's child poverty rate is only just above that of Greece, public sector wages have been frozen and last week a poll revealed that fat cats have been slimming down about as much as Elvis did in Vegas. The average director of one of the UK's top firms makes £2.7million a year.

Salaries, bonuses and benefits for FTSE directors leapt up 49 per cent.

The rise for private sector workers during the same period was 2.6 per cent - half the rate of inflation. And 19 per cent of youths are unemployed.

If you're looking for someone to change the direction of travel, don't look to the current Cabinet. Three-quarters of them are millionaires, and the man in charge of the bank balances hardly earned most of his cash - he inherited it.

Into this mess entered some well-meaning protesters in Glasgow, Dundee, Edinburgh and outside St Paul's Cathedral in London.

Senior members of the church (not for the first time) forgot the basic teachings of Jesus on poverty and tried to kick them out.

Cameron was too busy attacking Brussels for putting the City of London under "constant attack".

The City of London isn't under enough attack, otherwise nothing will change.

The City's argument is that bonuses are required to "keep the British economy moving". Not if it's moving into their own pockets.

And we can hardly thank the last government, who saddled us with record debt, cash-for-peerages and an expenses scandal.

Perhaps the Occupy movement are going to make the difference that MPs wouldn't.

Winston Churchill once said: "Life can either be accepted or changed.

"If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted."

This generation shouldn't have to accept such a gap between rich and poor.

So fair play to the people in tents trying to change it. 'Cos the politicians sure as heck won't.

This week's burning questions

2011-11-01T06:27:42Z

Jeremy Clarkson's ex, presumably the first woman to iron his jeans, is to tell all about their sex life together. Wouldn't you want to keep that quiet?

Re: the influx of rats and mice at BBC TV Centre.

Can't pest control prioritise with Nick Knowles from the National Lottery shows?

It was Halloween but in Lady Gaga's case, how could we tell?

Life on X Factor is okay.com

2011-11-01T06:27:35Z

It's not right but it's Okay.com. The judges worry if the acts they have flung together "lack chemistry" - then spend the rest of the time bickering.

It is reported that Tulisa "has made life intolerable" for fellow judge Kelly.

Has she been playing N-Dubz again in her dressing room? This weekend saw one X Factorite go out of their comfort zone. Went on a real journey and absolutely "smashed it". Kelly Rowland, when it comes to your calling-into-work-sick-voice, you put it down.

For two nights only, Alexandra Burke sat in Kelly's chair and the phrase, "There were slight tuning problems, babe" became the new "putting it down".

Alexandra also unleashed a new saying "Okay.com".

Simon Cowell's flown to LA, Cheryl Cole's flown to LA (with a return ticket) and with Kelly Rowland holed up in LA with a doctor's sick note, the X Factor exodus is complete.

Well, except for Dermot O'Leary, who's sitting at home sticking pins in a doll of US X Factor host Steve Jones. And contestant Frankie Cocozza.

Frankie really regrets putting a second-class stamp on the letter he sent last Friday: "Dear Jim, Please Can You Fix It For Me to learn to sing."

Don't clock watch Dragons' Den

2011-11-01T06:27:33Z

Dragons' Den judge Deborah Meaden is supporting the bill for an extra hour so the clocks go back two hours.

There is a strong argument to support saving that extra hour. Just don't watch Dragons' Den.

Star role must go to Lohan

2011-11-01T06:27:31Z

They're making a movie of the iPad game, Angry Birds. Finally. A film part that's perfect for US actress Lindsay Lohan.

Propofol and lorazepam were brought up at the Michael Jackson trial.

Not the names of his kids. Peter Crouch wants to go on Stars In Their Eyes as MJ.

Well, he is known for his dance moves and is white.

Truly, the bottom has fallen out of the Saddam Hussein market. The bum part from his statue failed to sell at a charity auction in Derby. Dunno why.

It's the place from where he made most of his speeches.

Gaddafie, Kadafi, Qudafi, Gadhafi, Qadafi... You have to feel for the guy engraving his tombstone.

Ed Miliband forgot (never knew?) the name of one of the three candidates running for Scottish Labour leader. The contender concerned brushed it off, which showed real class. Fair play to whatsisname.

Azizah the elephant had a 700-day pregnancy. Only because it took Whipsnade Zoo time to find a midwife and a hydraulic lift.

Lettuce hope for no repeat

2011-11-01T06:27:29Z

Terrible. Eamonn Holmes told a rape victim: "I hope you take taxis now."

There is only one suitable response: "I hope you try salads now."

Going off the celeb scent

2011-11-01T06:27:26Z

Celeb perfumes are all the rage. And a new one has been launched, which smells of Marmite, Branston pickle and beer.

So, here's a guaranteed stocking-filler - a celeb fragrance that reeks of fried chicken, vodka and fishing rods. Eau de Gazza. Can't fail.

Now I can be a mum thanks to people of Scotland

2011-10-26T05:27:37Z

Proud mum Grace Mathanga yesterday thanked Scotland for her most precious gift - her little daughter.

Former sex worker Grace had already lost two children to HIV, but has a chance to see her third child, little Grace, grow up, thanks to a Scottish success story.

As soul singer Beverley Knight met the mum and daughter at their home in Malawi, she also paid tribute to the pioneering Scots initiative which has helped Grace and many other women in the poverty-stricken country.

In 2008, the Scottish government, along with the charity Christian Aid, decided to fund a project in Malawi called Theatre For A Change.

And they are continuing to support the initiative, which aims to get women off the streets and to change their lives.

Grace was born into poverty and, at 15, was forced into sex work when she had no other means of support.

She was physically and sexually abused and contracted HIV.

Tragically, she lost two daughters, aged two and three, to the virus.

But little Grace is HIV negative thanks to Prevention of Mother to Child Transmission (PMTCT) services which Theatre For A Change provided.

Mum Grace told Beverley, who is an ambassador for Christian Aid: "If Theatre For A Change had not come along, I'm sure I would have died.

"Because they came along, I have a healthy life and can now take care of Grace. She is a real blessing from God."

Grace now works as a community link officer for Theatre For A Change, helping advise other sex workers in learning new skills such as baking, sewing and even welding to help them off the streets.

Beverley, who hit the s charts with songs including Shoulda Coulda Woulda and Greatest Day, said: "I was so impressed by the Scottish government when I heard that they had given money towards Theatre For A Change.

"I've now seen it for myself and it's a brilliant illustration of women in one of the poorest parts of the world being helped out of poverty so that they can build a future for their families."

Malawi is horribly afflicted with HIV, with 11 per cent of the population of 15million infected.

But Grace now has hope in her life through her little daughter.

Beverley, who lost her best friend Tyrone Jamison to AIDS in 2003, added: "What I will never forget and what will ring around my ears forever were Grace's words, 'I hope I live long enough to see my child get a good education.'

"That completely finished me. Before, neither Grace nor little Grace had a shot."

Scots singer Annie Lennox travelled with the Daily Record to visit Theatre For A Change this year.

Beverley said: "Annie Lennox is a good friend of mine, and so when I heard she had been to this project in Malawi and was impressed by it, I knew I had to come."

And the singer is in no doubt that the Scottish public will continue to support aid for Malawi.

She said: "We know there is a recession but as we hurtle towards the Christmas period, this is the time where we traditionally look out for others. If I could leave any message, I would ask people to keep an extra pound or two for the people of Malawi."

To donate to Christian Aid's Christmas Appeal, or find out more about their work on health and HIV, visit www.christianaid.org.uk/christmas or call 08080 006 006.

Bloodthirsty Beeb have sunk to Gaddafi's level

2011-10-25T07:14:00Z

ANY death should be marked. So it is fitting that no matter how public the passing, we stop to remember for two minutes what the world has lost, no matter what we feel about it.

Last week saw the death of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi. Not for the Colonel a farewell by his deathbed with loved ones at the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland.

Or the tribute in song from Sir Elton John - "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting," perhaps.
Or "Do You Want To Buy a Rocket, Man", which Tony Blair loved to croon at him.

No, the messy demise of an old man was screened on live telly, with a fair amount
of red button coverage.

Mainly around his forehead, and they were more like blotches than buttons.

His "last will" has been published but remarkably Mad Dog didn't leave his entire wardrobe to Lady Gaga.

The question is not why were Libyan flags outside Edinburgh Airport? They were there for us.

The question is really, what were the news channels thinking?

A man of 69 was being lynched in public, shoved and pushed in the head.

Daybreak showed the whole ugly mess.

But it then refused to display a picture of Ricky Gervais pulling an ugly face on the internet in case viewers "were offended." Just as there are some things you don't need to hear (Frankie Cocozza's singing), there are some things we don't need to see.

The coverage was disgusting and completely unnecessary.

Just because the Libyan leader had the poor taste to be photographed with Tony Blair,
no one benefits from this poor judgment.

His death will give no further insight into what happened in the Lockerbie horror.

And neither will the news networks. There were even reports of a blood-stained corpse in a shopping centre.

No one wants that - not even when Jedward switch on the Christmas lights at Braehead.

The 24-hour news cycle will always judge a story not on how important it is, but whether they have footage from mobile phones they can screen. That's why the Balloon Boy or the farce of Gordon Brown heading to Gillian Duffy's house takes priority over the crisis in East Africa or the cuts.

It's been pointed out that as Gaddafi didn't extend any courtesy to his victims, he barely deserved any.

That's why his death was fair game for the networks.

So that's progress in 2011. The news channels have adopted the same moral standards as a monstrous tyrant.

Well done BBC and Sky. Way to go, guys.

● When they died, Tony Blair paid tribute to Frank Sinatra and John Peel, but someone he actually knew, met and buddied up with goes and...not a word. Strange.

X Factor should say sorry for Frankie's singing, not his swearing

2011-10-25T05:28:01Z

THE X Factor should really have apologised for Frankie Cocozza's swearing on Sunday night. And for his singing on Saturday.

This year's series is part song contest, part What Not To Wear and part HR tribunal.

Louis Walsh said: "There's been a complaint of bullying against Misha by one of my contestants." If it's Kitty, give Misha a pay rise, some champagne and the winner's contract now.

Kitty said she wanted to set herself on fire. Three words - get in line.

The Risk's Andrew Merry has trouble too. He is being stalked by an obsessed fan, who sent him 70 abusive texts. She has been warned by police - that mobile costs may vary and you have to ask the bill-payer's permission before texting. This year's competition has received bad press, although that's mainly sources close to Simon Cowell telling reporters: "It's missing Simon Cowell."

And that's the only problem with the X Factor.

Not years of lame winners leading to a lack of credibility, but Simon. It's a long way away from his halcyon days. That explains why the X Factor USA on ITV2 with Simon has way more viewers than the British one... except it doesn't.

The 2011 series has given us Heroes Week, US Week and Rock Week. As long as Frankie is still in it, every week is Weak Week.