The Daily Record - Pat Roller

Off the Record

2009-04-06T06:11:16Z

Harrison Ford made his name in a galaxy far, far away, but it's been revealed that his bride-to-be Calista Flockhart couldn't even be bothered travelling an hour to go to see him.

Specifically, she didn't go to see him on the big screen. For Calista says she has never seen her man in Stars Wars.

"It's weird that I've never seen it," she said, "but I lived in a small town and the movie theatre was at least an hour away."

Our research shows that Calista would have been attending Shawnee High School in Medford Township, New Jersey, when Star Wars first came out.

Medford actually isn't that small ... in the 2000 census, it was listed as having a population of 22,000.

So, what constitutes a small town?We've heard of a town that was so small, the "Welcome to..." and the "You are leaving.." signs were on the same lamppost.

This was a town where the NewYear baby was born in July. And a town where the local newspaper was brought out annually.

You really had no excuse, Calista.

A survey by motoring.co.uk has revealed that two out of three motorists would most like to hear Nigella Lawson's sultry tones on their satnav.

We wouldn't object to that, provided she was concentrating fully on the job in hand when she was recording the thing. It would be a bit confusing to be confronted with the instruction: "At the next apple turnover, take the third filling on the egg white."

We read yesterday that Cardiff City football fanatic Gareth Jenkins named his baby daughter Ninian after the club's ground, which is being demolished.

Little Ninian should think herself lucky, things could have been a lot worse.

If, for example, her dad had been a Hamilton Accies fan, she would have been called New Douglas. And we wouldn't have envied her her schooldays if he'd been a Fulham follower: Craven Cottage Jenkins would not have been an easy moniker to live down.

We would love to know if there's a Shrewsbury Town fan out there who named his son Gay Meadow.

Yikes. We were shocked to hear Richard Madeley confess on Piers Morgan's Life Stories on ITV1 last night that he had cheated on his first wife 10 times in five years. Note, too, that his current wife, Judy, was married and the mother of twins when they met. We feel they have missed out on a major business opportunity.

Did they never think about launching Richard and Judy's Little Black Book Club?

HUSTLE Video have just brought out a porn version of the Star Trek TV series. Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has already told her husband not to even think about boldly going there.

WE have news that once again, the

2009-04-04T06:11:57Z

We have news that once again, the White House had their wires crossed during a major summit... and this time we can't blame Dubya.

Fox News is reporting that journalists hoping to interview Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were surprised when the number they were given turned out to be a phone sex line.

It seems the White House accidentally listed a sex line number for journalists seeking an "on-therecord briefing call with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Adviser Jim Jones".

Interestingly, Bill Clinton was looking really pleased with himself yesterday. He'd been doing his duty and had tried to phone his wife 10 times..

WE have news that once again, the White

2009-04-04T06:11:56Z

We have news that once again, the White House had their wires crossed during a major summit... and this time we can't blame Dubya.

Fox News is reporting that journalists hoping to interview Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were surprised when the number they were given turned out to be a phone sex line.

It seems the White House accidentally listed a sex line number for journalists seeking an "on-therecord briefing call with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Adviser Jim Jones".

Interestingly, Bill Clinton was looking really pleased with himself yesterday. He'd been doing his duty and had tried to phone his wife 10 times..

WE were looking forward to seeing the

2009-04-04T06:11:55Z

We were looking forward to seeing the new animation Monsters Vs Aliens this weekend.

But that was before we picked up yesterday's Record, and saw that Paul Daniels was in it. We don't think we'll bother now..

IT takes all sorts, we suppose. Manchester

2009-04-04T06:11:54Z

It takes all sorts, we suppose. Manchester confectioner Simon Dunn and his seven staff have created a life-size chocolate model of David Beckham, made from 50 kilos of the stuff. It will be on display in London today. Coincidentally, a rival firm last year made a life-size chocolate Ronaldo. Ronaldo ate it.

WE see that Jamie Oliver and his

2009-04-04T06:11:53Z

We see that Jamie Oliver and his wife Jools have named their baby daughter Petal Blossom Rainbow. Could this be the first kid to be named after three different kinds of fabric softener?

THE mind is still boggled by yesterday's

2009-04-04T06:11:32Z

The mind is still boggled by yesterday's Record item on the world's longest wedding train - dressmaker Oana Comanescu's 5180ft creation will be auctioned at a wedding fair in Bucharest today.

Just think how long it would take a bride to travel 5180ft at Wedding March pace. If Peaches Geldof ever wears that dress, she'll be divorced before the bridesmaids have made it halfway down the aisle..

WE see that Jamie Oliver and his wife

2009-04-04T06:11:31Z

We see that Jamie Oliver and his wife Jools have named their baby daughter Petal Blossom Rainbow. Could this be the first kid to be named after three different kinds of fabric softener?

IT takes all sorts, we suppose

2009-04-04T06:11:30Z

Coincidentally, a rival firm last year made a life-size chocolate Ronaldo. Ronaldo ate it..

WE have news that once again

2009-04-04T06:11:28Z

We have news that once again, the White House had their wires crossed during a major summit... and this time we can't blame Dubya.

Fox News is reporting that journalists hoping to interview Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were surprised when the number they were given turned out to be a phone sex line.

It seems the White House accidentally listed a sex line number for journalists seeking an "on-therecord briefing call with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Adviser Jim Jones".

Interestingly, Bill Clinton was looking really pleased with himself yesterday. He'd been doing his duty and had tried to phone his wife 10 times..

WE were looking forward to seeing

2009-04-04T06:11:27Z

We were looking forward to seeing the new animation Monsters Vs Aliens this weekend.

But that was before we picked up yesterday's Record, and saw that Paul Daniels was in it. We don't think we'll bother now..

the silly saturday joke

2009-04-04T06:11:25Z

Fred and Edna were pensioners but they managed to muddle by just fine. In fact, they quite enjoyed having time on their hands.

One Friday afternoon, they went to town and spent a leisurely couple of hours browsing the shops.

When they came out of the Oxfam shop, a policeman had spotted the 20-year-old Ford Fiesta and was writing a ticket because it was on double yellows.

Fred went up to him and said: "Look, why can't you coppers be a bit more OAP-friendly?" The policemen just glowered at him and carried on writing.

Edna stepped forward, called him a jumped-up officious prat and the policeman slapped another ticket on. Fred took up the cudgels again and told him not to be a pillock all of his life.

The policeman glared back at Fred and slapped on another ticket.

By then, a small crowd had gathered, and they were all taking the mickey out of the policeman.

He really lost it. He slapped more tickets on the screen, which was hardly visible by now, and got on his radio and called for assistance, threatening to arrest everyone.

The crowd reluctantly dispersed.

The policeman cancelled his back-up call, smirked at Fred and Edna and swaggered off.

Fred and Edna couldn't have cared less ... They'd come on the bus.

Catch Up On Off The Record Online www.dailyrecord.co.uk/patroller Email:offtherecord@dailyrecord.co.uk

Off the Record

2009-04-03T06:10:54Z

Here's something that could spark a whole new trend. It might even be the saviour of Scottish football.

We read yesterday that American singer Kid Rock has acquired the naming rights to the Detroit Tigers baseball ground for an undisclosed sum.

"This has been a dream of mine for a long time and, with the banks in trouble, it seemed like the right time for me to reach out to the fine people at Comerica Bank," said Kid, Pamela Anderson's former squeeze. The Comerica Park ground will now be known as Kid Rock Field.

He could have stumbled on a winning formula here. Maybe we could sell the naming rights to Hampden as a way of raising some much-needed funds? The Jeff Beck's Stadium, perhaps? Stella Tennant's Park? Ice-T would, of course, be out of the question.

We see that Entertainment Rights, the company behind Basil Brush, have gone into administration.

That'll be that boom-boom and bust economy we keep hearing about.

David Hasselhoff is reportedly helping his teenage daughters launch pop careers.

It seems that the 56-year-old singer, actor and all-round legend has booked studio time and hired songwriters for Taylor Ann, 18, and Hayley Amber, 16.

We're guessing, then, that there'll be an album along sometime soon.We're rather hoping they'll call it Don't Mess With The Hoffspring.

Science news: research in Washington, DC suggests that while we are asleep, the brain is busy creating new connections between cells, thus - so goes the theory - clearing room for us to learn more. Boffins made the discovery after tracking brain activity in fruit flies, which they say have similar sleep patterns to our own.

We didn't know that about fruit flies. That can't be right.

Do their fruit flies lie awake at night worrying about the state of the fruit fly economy? Nah, thought not. Next experiment, please.

Bill Cosby - you'll probably remember him from his long-running sitcom - is to be awarded one of America's leading comedy honours, the Mark Twain Prize for Humor. He'll receive the award at a gala in October.

If America is fond of him, the feeling is mutual. "I am proud to be an American," he once said.

"Because an American can eat anything on the face of this Earth as long as he has two pieces of bread." Anything, and, it seemed the one time we visited New York, everything.

A quote from Oasis star Noel Gallagher: "I know I've got Irish blood, because I wake up every day with a hangover." Interesting, that. We think we must be Irish at weekends, NewYear, and on the mornings after Scotland games.

WE were shocked to read in yesterday's Record that thousands of middle-aged to elderly Scots are risking their health by having unprotected sex. What, without a defibrillator handy?

Off The Record

2009-04-02T06:10:47Z

Aw, shucks. Sometimes, celebs can be soooo sweet.

Take Paris Hilton's new squeeze, Doug Rheinhardt. He is truly smitten, and it's not just because the object of his desire happens to be somewhat easy on the eye.

"I'd still love her if she had a face full of pimples," he said. "We're not superficial like that." We're not shallow, either. We'd like to think we, too, could love a horny, millionaire heiress who happened to be pimply.

If you've ever wondered why major stars choose to take on certain roles - aside from the money, of course - then read on.

It was revealed yesterday that Russell Crowe has a special way of picking which movies to star in - by his goosebumps.

He says he will never take on a role if the script doesn't make the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

"I have a rule, which is what I call the goosebumps rule. If I read a script and it gets to me I feel it.

I have a physical reaction. And then I have to do the movie.

"No goosebumps, no movie. It's that simple." It begs the question: where did he read the script for Proof of Life? On the corner of Sauchiehall Street, in January, in his swimsuit?

We have news for those smartypants Japanese scientists featured in yesterday's Record, who claim to have invented a helmet that lets humans control robots by thought - Bjork was there first. Better luck next time, guys.

For want of better things to do in these credit crunch times, Mastercard are promoting The Big Lunch, a national event planned for July 19, when "we're asking the people of Britain to stop what they're doing and sit down to lunch together".

Mastercard are running ads in the posh papers boasting, among other things: "We can speak Welsh, Geordie & Scouse. We remember the war and VE Day.

We invented football and won the World Cup twice." Sponsorship of a national event: a fair few bob, we'd imagine. Full-page ads in the national press: thousands of pounds. Thinking that Britain and England are one and the same: priceless.

We enjoyed spotting all those April Fools yesterday.Wasn't it odd, though, how everyone, even the BBC, went for the one about the Holyrood cabinet voting for a pay freeze?

We came over all nostalgic when we read yesterday's feature on the poll tax 20 years on. We'd almost forgotten what Tommy Sheridan looked like before he was orange.

Watching all that G20 mess on the telly yesterday, we - like many, we suspect - couldn't help thinking: why the **** don't these people get a proper job? Oh, and that goes for the protesters, too.

Off The Record

2009-03-31T06:09:45Z

LOVE means never having to say you're sorry. Aye, right.

You may recall that this column was banging on earlier this month about how just about everybody likes to pepper their conversation with their favourite movie quotes.

We hear that Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's husband, Richard Timney, has developed this self-same annoying habit. Recent utterances, picked up from movies he's ordered, include:

"Loooooserrrrr."

"I don't understand why everybody have to be so judgmental."

"I know he's out here. I can feel it in my nuggets."

"Bring it on, pecker face. Let's go."

"I am on so much migraine medication you have no idea... the stress is killing me. I dunno how much longer I can last, I hafta tell you that right now."

"Do you have any other talents? Heh, you mean like, singin' and dancin'? Naw, man, I just surf..."

Yeah, you guessed it. They're all from the infamous Surf's Up.

IT was reported yesterday that Paris Hilton is to launch her own range of sunglasses. Maybe she's not so dumb, after all. There seems to be a growing demand for dark glasses. For starters,a certain Richard Timney could use a pair.

FOLLOWING a recent theme, we have some more inventive ways to get through the credit crunch. Reader Sharon Walsh passes on some useful money-saving tips:

Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr KVL 741P.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

WE see that a special ice cream flavour has been developed to mark Robert Burns'250th anniversary. Pity the name they chose was the rather humdrum McCallum's Crunch. We would have favoured Ae Fondue Kiss.

MORE on the item in yesterday's paper about French athlete Romain Mesnil running naked through the streets of Paris in a bid to raise sponsorship. We asked our contact there, and we can confirm two facts: yes, he is genuinely their national pole vault champion. And no, he hadn't been watching an Additional Feature.

ACCORDING to yesterday's Record, reading is the best way to relax and can reduce stress levels by 67 per cent. Unless, of course, you're reading your TV bill and you're married to the Home Secretary.