The Daily Tribal

And Here's The Part Where I Feel REALLY Stupid...

2010-10-13T07:43:00.004-04:00

I am not 14 weeks... or 15... or even 16. I'm Holy Shit How Did I Get This Pregnant This Fast weeks. And I didn't find that out from my doctor, thank you very much.

I had an appointment to get some blood work on October 7th, just to follow up the ultrasound and blood work for chromosomal abnormalities in Goji that I had on September 7th. Everything seems to be ok, I have not been recommended for any further testing so that makes me happy :).

I was a little shocked at how slow time seemed to be going when I was taken into the exam room and the nurse said "Ok, so you're just here for some blood work and it looks like you're right at 15 weeks!" I just said ok, laid back on the exam table/chair thingy and took a nap (it took the OB 25 minutes to get into the room... normally that would piss me off, but it was a great excuse to catch some z's and I was TIRED).

Now, let me tell you, I am starting to get big. And when I say "big" I mean I had to cave and I FINALLY bought a pair of maternity jeans. They are not too flattering. I started thinking that it would not be so weird for the people at this office to have gotten it wrong when it comes to how far along I am. They changed it four times in the beginning of my pregnancy and I think perhaps they have not fully updated some of their notes. That's fine and dandy for them, but I want to know whether I'm 15 or 16 or however many weeks along... that's important to ME (duh).

After getting home from my appointment I immediately went to my fridge where we have hung a little ultrasound picture of Goji and I checked the dates/info on it. It said that on September 7th I was 13 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So I did the math... that would make me 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant on the day that I went into my appointment. Six days later (today) would put me at just a tad over 18 weeks. So there you have it. I am almost half way through my pregnancy.

I realize that this might sound... oh, I don't really know what word to use here... so let's start over and you can fill in the blank: I realize that this might sound ______________ (ex: stupid, annoying, ridiculous, obnoxious, insulting), but I was so scared at the beginning of the pregnancy when I had the bleeding that everything was going to fall apart, that when I finally realized I could breathe A LITTLE easier, I decided to let things that I can't control go and to just roll with it. I wanted an easy, stress free (well, as stress free as pregnancy can be) time for the baby... a time where I sort of said "Hey, I feel great! I don't need to worry about anything!" NOT a time where I continually freak out about every little cramp or ache.

I'm pretty sure I've found a balance now.

At any rate, here is a belly pic I took at about 17 weeks.

Russell and I are going to find out the sex on November 1st and I am ridiculously excited about that :).

14 Weeks... or is it 15?

2010-10-02T01:11:00.003-04:00

A few things:
1) I am a HORRIBLE blogger. I have not posted anything here since the beginning of August when I was having some complications.
2) I could have sworn I was further along... I thought I was going to be 16 weeks on Monday. And yet my ticker says I'll be 15 weeks. Is it terrible that I don't know how far along I am?
Yes, yes it is.
Am I a horrible pregnant mother?
Probably.
Do I care?
A little.

I have another appointment coming up on October 7th... just some routine blood work to follow up on the possibility of chromosomal abnormalities. Nothing to worry about yet, so I'm not going to stress about it.

I'm really trying to update this blog frequently so that I have something to look back on. I've just been so tired lately, it's been difficult to keep up.

I'm going to steal those popular weekly surveys and start posting them. I'll also update with belly pics.

Here is what I believed to be 15 weeks, but what my ticker is claiming as 14. :::::sigh::::: I suppose I'll ask the doctor on Thursday. How the fuck did I mess THAT up?!

How far along? 14 1/2 or 15 1/2 weeks... I'll let you know when I find out (good lord that sounds awful).
Total weight gain: 2 pounds
Maternity clothes? No... but the belly band has become my BFF.
Sleep: Horrible. I have to pee all the time and I am used to sleeping on my stomach, which is no longer possible... because if I try I will literally piss all over myself. Also, I get woken up by ligament pain and fluttering at all sorts of weird hours.
Best moment this week: Chai Tea Latte... that's pretty much the best moment EVERY week.
Gender: 99.99% of people are saying girl... I am still hoping for a boy (though I will be totally happy with ANYTHING healthy, of course).
Movement: Flutters and phantom kicks.
Labor Signs: No, thank God.
Belly Button in or out? In and still pierced! :)
What I miss: Not worrying about peeing when I laugh hard. Actually... not worrying about EVERYTHING.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex.
Weekly Wisdom: Macaroni with cheese, peas and a can of tuna fish (lay off me, I've had one can every two weeks which the doctor says is perfectly fine :P) is great topped with whipped cream.

The Good and The Bad

2010-08-11T07:35:00.002-04:00

It's interesting how there is almost always a balance in life. It's so rarely black or white... it's usually a shade of gray that darkens or lightens as time goes on.

When I started spotting yesterday I immediately called my OB and they set up an appointment for me to come in and get checked out. They did an internal ultrasound, found the heartbeat, checked out everything else (ovaries, positioning, etc.), and it was determined that, for the moment, things were ok.

Goji's heartbeat is at 130, which she said is just fine. She also told me that, for nine weeks, he looks pretty small... so they are going to assume that since I'm sort of hazy on the date of my last period, I'm only 7 weeks along.

I keep telling myself that the good news is more important than the bad news. I even made a list:

Good News:
1. Goji is ok
2. Heart is beating at a good rate
3. No ectopic pregnancy worry (I'd been having pains in my side)
4. I got an ultrasound picture to hang on my fridge!
5. Even though I'm still spotting, it is still very light and still a light brown color.

Bad News:
1. Still spotting
2. They pushed me back 2 weeks so I'm now 5 weeks away from being out of my first trimester. I'm sure I'll worry throughout the pregnancy (because that is my nature), but I will worry a lot LESS once I'm out of first tri.

I'm grateful that everything is alright for the moment... but I would really like this spotting to go away. I know it can be harmless in some cases, but it scares the absolute shit out of me.

Not Good

2010-08-10T08:53:00.001-04:00

About 3 minutes after writing the post below, I went to pee before I left for work and noticed that I am spotting.

Fuck.

I've called the OB (none of their nurses are there, of course) and now I'm waiting on a call back.

"Fuck" doesn't even describe it really. I am so nervous that I feel like I'm going to puke.

First OB Appointment was A-Ok!

2010-08-10T07:49:00.004-04:00

Well...

Not necessarily a-ok.

There was that one part where I got my blood drawn. I get sort of loopy when that happens. I ended up singing to the nurse while she was trying to concentrate on the six huge vials she had to fill (ew). The tune was equivalent to this:

And the lyrics were something like "My bloooooooood, the pretty nurse is taking my blooooooood. It's ok because I don't need iiiiiiiiiit. So she can take mah blooooooooooooood."

And maybe also the part where my OB said she was going to feel the size of my uterus and I thought "Oh, cool, she's just going to press on my abdomen or something..." and right as the words "or something" enter my mind I feel two fingers inserted into my _________ (insert favorite immature vaginal terminology here) and she pushes down on my tummy and I, in my temporary shock, yell "WHOA!!" at ridiculous decipels and in true Joey Lawrence style.

:::::sigh::::: I do love the 80's.

Other than those minor faux pas on my part, everything else went great. I'll be 10 weeks on Thursday and, as long as I don't hear anything back regarding my lab work (pap smear, blood work, etc.) I'm good to go. My next appointment is on August 27th and then I finally get to SEE little Goji Berry. I'm totally excited for that.

I think, though, that I will touch up on my Sinatra. Just in case they want to draw some more blood.

Suddenly I Am Not So Brave

2010-08-09T07:53:00.002-04:00

Four hours and seven minutes before my first appointment and I have made a 360 degree turn around from being BEYOND excited to absolutely terrified.

I have no idea *why* I am so nervous. I've resigned myself to being uncomfortable so it's not the actual procedures that are scaring me.

I woke up five or six times last night absolutely drenched in sweat after having horrible nightmares about being on the exam table and the doctor maneuvering the ultrasound wand around and saying "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat... there's no heartbeat.... there's no heartbeat" and she just kept saying it over and over again until I shot out of bed like a friggin' cannon ball.

I should be happy, overjoyed, grateful, and everything I was last week before this nervousness gradually became all consuming.

I'm not going to continue on with this post because I'm getting on my own damn nerves and I'm not making myself feel any better. I just hope that 6:00 in the evening comes as quicly as possible. I want to be done with the doctor's appointment, I want to know that everything is 100% ok with Goji, and I want to be sitting comfortably in my living room knowing that, at the moment, there is nothing to worry about.

An Entry From Le Journal De Moi :)

2010-08-05T21:35:00.002-04:00

When I turned 23, my father gave me what he called my "last journal." I have been getting journals/diaries/poetry books/whatever you want to call them since I was old enough to write. I think I have about 12; all of them half-filled out, all of them with different purposes.

My "last journal" came to me 3 months before my wedding and 3 1/2 months before I moved from Florida to North Carolina. Needless to say, there was plenty to write about. As time went on, I started using this journal as a letter-book to my future baby. When we gave up trying to get pregnant, I stopped writing in it.

I was feeling a bit bummed out tonight (meh, same issues as always, financial crap that I don't need to get into) and I pulled out "last journal." Writing the letter tonight was a very humbling experience; it was 100% different than it ever has been before. Because tonight, for the first time, I was writing to a baby that is actually inside me... the best way I can describe the difference is to compare it to watching a shark cage dive. You can watch a shark through a cage diver's perspective on TV for hours, and it is certainly awesome, there's no denying that. But step in the cage yourself and actually FEEL the water WOOSH by you when a shark is approaching (let's say it's a huge Australian Great White, just for dramatic purposes), to feel your heart race when it bumps against the steel bars that separate you, that is a completely different experience all together.

I have seen a lot of bloggers write their unborn babies letters... I never thought there was anything wrong with that, but I also never thought I'd do it. And, here I am, with an excerpt from my "last journal" that I want to share. I don't know why I want to share it, but I do. I think we can go back to the shark cage dive for this one; I don't know why on Earth I would want to get into a cage and come face to face with hundreds of thousands of years of predatory evolution... but I would do it in a heartbeat :).

Enough babbling... here's my letter!

Hello baby,
It has been a long time since I've written to you. Consistency has never been my forte'. I hope you don't inherit that from me.
I have some good news. I found out on July 23rd that I am pregnant with you. Finally! After almost a two year wait, I have you nestled inside of me, safe and sound.

My first OB appointment is on Monday and I can't wait to meet you!
I was reading some of my previous journal entries and I feel that they're unfair to you. They are very "woe is me." I complain about money, my job, money, arguing with your dad, money.

Don't worry about all that crap, ok?

I finally figured out the secret to solving whatever problems there are... and the secret is that none of those problems matter.
For as long as I'm breathing and walking on this Earth, you will never want for anything.

If there is something that you need, you will get it... even if I have to sell everything I love. I would do these things for you... because I love you MORE than these things. I love you in a way that I will never love anyone... it's different than the way I love your father and your grandparents.
It is so important to me that you are happy and safe that I would sacrifice everything I have to ensure these things happen.

I have never seen an ultrasound image of you (MONDAY!), I have never seen your face, heard your voice, and right now you are the size of a raspberry... and I would already move mountains across continents just to make you happy.

I love you so much... I can't wait to "meet" you on Monday, and I look forward to being the best mom I can possibly be for you.

Love,
Mom

You Can Laugh At Me Now... I Won't Mind.

2010-07-28T07:25:00.005-04:00

Well, that was simultaneously hilarious and disappointing.

I went in for my first appointment yesterday and I was SO nervous that my pulse rate was through the roof.

My doctor walks in and says "Ok, I'm going to need you to pee in this cup for me and I'll be back in with the results."

I thought that was a bit weird... but I'm no obstetrician, so I didn't say anything.

15 minutes later she walks into the room and says "Congratulations, you're definitely pregnant!"

I said "Ok, can you tell me exactly how far along I am or if everything is ok? That's it?!"

She stared at me blankly for a few seconds and then realization dawned on her and she said "Ooooooooh, the last time you were here I was still doing OB work... I don't do OB work anymore! I'm sorry, honey."

She thought that I was just there to CONFIRM my pregnancy. Nice.

I got some recommendations for obstetricians in the area and then she sent me on my not-so-merry way.

Lovely.

I will Google the OB she recommended after I get off of work and make my second first appointment :P.

Oi vey.

The Post In Which I Show You Things I Have Peed On

2010-07-26T16:53:00.004-04:00

Tadaaaaaaaaa!

I think I've peed on 5 tests since Friday night. Mainly because poor Russell doesn't believe his eyes... also because I don't believe mine either.

On my way home from work today I saw a Rite Aid and swirved like a maniac into the parking lot screaming "I just need a digital to say PREGNANT and then I'll believe it!"

Soooo, I bought a digital and stood over it for those agonizing 45 seconds until, just as I thought I'd lose my freaking mind, the word "Pregnant" showed up in tiny, computerized, beautiful clarity.

I'm posting it here so I can come back and look every time doubt crosses my mind (which is every couple of minutes).

I can't wait to be done with my check up tomorrow afternoon. I don't know why I am so nervous (that's a lie, yes I do, but I won't say it out loud) but I just want to know that everything is fine so I can continue being stupid-happy.

Are You Sure It's Mine?

2010-07-24T19:52:00.005-04:00

That is what I jokingly said to a friend of mine a few years ago when she asked me what I would say if I found out that I was pregnant at that very moment. That, again, was a few years ago, when the idea of having a baby scared the living shit out of me to the point that I almost threw up every time I even CONSIDERED it... before the two year struggle with unexplainable infertility and the heartache and the absolutely gut wrenching pain that led to the ultimate denial of everything I had built up in myself. A few months ago, when I stopped writing in this blog, I gave up. I said "fuck it, I can't do this anymore..." and I didn't. I stopped writing in this blog, I stopped talking on my favorite message boards and I sort of dropped off the face of the Earth. I just couldn't deal, and that's ok.

It was all worth it.

It was so worth it.

Because I'm pregnant.

And, for what it's worth, I did not ask my husband if he was sure it was mine when I peed on a stick at 11:30 p.m. last night and two incredibly dark lines showed up within the first minute. ;P.

I probably should keep my mouth shut about it... I just found out yesterday and, upon entering my due date into a ticker, I came up with about 7 weeks... but I can't be quiet about it. I want to shout it from the roof tops. I seriously want to travel to New York, climb up the Statue of Liberty and grab a bull horn and shout it at the world in true Ghostbusters style.

I AM PREGNANT.

And, at this moment in time, when it's still so incredibly surreal to me that I can't even grasp the situation fully, nothing else matters.

I'm going to be a mom and I have never been so mind blowingly ecstatic, excited, joyful and absolutely fucking terrified of anything in my entire life. It is a truly strange combination of emotions and I wouldn't change any of them for all the footlong veggie subs on wheat in the world.

Sexy Cupcake Saturday!!

2010-05-08T11:10:00.005-04:00

Seeing as how tomorrow is Mother's Day, I wanted to make this an "Ode to You, MOM" weekend on my blog.

I am one of those lucky women who have an outstanding relationship with her mother. When I say that my mom and I are like BFFs, I am not exaggerating at all. We go shopping together, we have lunch together, we run errands together, and we average in about four phone calls a day to each other... and that's all with her living right down the street from my house.

I can't get enough of my mom, she's so much fun! She is the most caring, loving, intelligent and admirable woman in the world and I am the luckiest daughter to have someone like her that I can look up to.

So in honor of you, Mom, here's a special Mother-Daughter Sexy Cupcake Saturday!!

See? See what I did there? It's a "mom" cupcake next to a "daugther" cupcake hehe! :P I'm so proud of myself.

Come back tomorrow and check out a special "Here's to you, Mom!" post in honor of the Super Woman herself!

Are you all doing anything special for Mother's Day? Tell me about it in my comments or make your own Mother's Day post and link me back to it! :)

Wednesday Weigh-In!!

2010-05-05T17:09:00.004-04:00

I'm going to be straight up with you all and I won't make excuses for myself.

I gained weight this week.

I FEEL like I gained weight too... it's not a good feeling. That's ok though, I've already given myself a nice kick in the ass and I plan to stop the b.s. I've been allowing myself to do (soda, cookies, you name it, I've been bad).

I might have just stayed the same, but I actually dislocated my knee and now my right leg is all swollen and I'm not supposed to do any more workouts until it's completely healed.* :::::sigh:::::

I suppose even the most upbeat of us have a bad week sometimes. Eh, who am I kidding? It was a GREAT week. I got a job, I pigged out, I drank lots of alceehawl (yum!) and now it's time to stop the crap.

I will be good this week, I promise. I'm super disappointed with myself... even though I enjoyed every second of being bad. Hey, at least I'm honest.

Here are my stats:
Starting weight from Dec. 30th, 2009: 174.4

Last weigh-in: 155
Today's weigh-in: 156.2
Change: +1.2

Overall change: -18.2

*I just realized that the gain might also be PARTIALLY caused by the swelling in my leg. I'm assuming that having a swollen extremity would probably add a half a pound or so.

Sexy Cupcake Saturday!!

2010-05-01T12:56:00.009-04:00

Oh cupcakes... cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes.

My husband and I are staring at the computer monitor and giggling like idiots because I just keep saying "cupcakes," and we're salivating like a pair of sugar addicted dogs in a sad, sad psychology experiment.

On with the show...

Yesterday, we had a man come out and give us an estimate on a sun room. Long story short, it's about $47,000... which is $45,400 MORE than we can afford and 1/3 of the cost of our entire house.

Soooooo, NO.

To make a long story only moderately lengthy, while this man was telling us what an awesome product he could install I began to get bored. Really, seriously bored. I have a short attention span, I can't help it. So when this HUGE yellow butterfly with black spots flew over his head, I was momentarily freed from my boredom as nature provided me with a spectacular 30 seconds of color and beauty... and then the butterfly was gone, and the sales pitch continued.

There is a point to all this, you know. Cupcakes are a lot like butterflies. They are beautiful, they can be a conversational piece, they can take a boring ass table and provide it with the Pièce de Résistance.

Here's the clincher: while both the butterfly and the cupcake are short lived beauties, with the butterfly you are only left with the memory of how pretty it looked when it was fluttering through your yard.

Cue the cupcake:

It is beautiful before you scarf it down... and then, in many cases, you are left with ANOTHER beautiful cupcake to scarf down, and then another, and then another. Until all you're left with is the fat on your ass.

My point: both are beautiful in moderation. Have ONE cupcake and pass the plate, people.

THE LIST

2010-04-29T19:02:00.002-04:00

I have created my list of things I want to tackle over the next 21 Days (see post below for 21 Day Challenge).

1. Eat breakfast and lunch EVERY DAY, on time.

2. Take at least an hour to belly dance EVERY DAY for the next 21 days.

3. Do a yoga sequence EVERY DAY.

4. Drink more water. I already drink at least 50 oz. a day, but I think I'm going to buy one of those large water bottles that holds exactly the right amount you're supposed to have daily. That way I can just fill it up and work on it throughout the entire day.

I think 4 things is enough, right? I don't want to overwhelm myself and have a bad binge :P.

I will keep you posted!

Wednesday Weigh-In!!

2010-04-28T10:50:00.009-04:00

Ooooh, look at the pretty button!

They are starting a new challenge over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans and I'm totally going to join it. It's only 21 days and I think it will really help to put some of the things that I ~~HAVEN'T been doing~~ SHOULD be doing into perspective.

The "rules" are simple enough. I just need to come up with a list of habits I'd like to form and then I need to put them into action. That doesn't sound so bad, does it? Do it with me... dooooooooo iiiiiiiiiiit.

I will be coming up with my list shortly and I'll probably post it tomorrow but I can already tell you one thing I've been skipping out on lately that I REALLY need to make a habit again... EATING BREAKFAST. For the last few weeks I have been completely skipping out on breakfast, and sometimes lunch, and that shit just needs to stop NOW.

So, I went grocery shopping and picked some stuff up... some very yummy stuff.

See?

Yes, my breakfast is a martini glass filled with Nonfat Greek Yogurt and sliced strawberries. Yes, I'm eating yogurt out of a martini glass... but it's the perfect portion AND it looks pretty, so why the hell not? Oh, and yes, that is my "don't yell at me, I'm eating my freaking breakfast" face.

Before I show my weigh-in results, I should mention that I haven't blogged my weight since April 1st, and at that point I weighed 158.6. Last Wednesday I DID weigh myself, I just didn't blog it, and I was at 155.8.

Ok, enough blabbing... here are my weigh-in results.

Starting weight from Dec. 30th, 2009: 174.4

Last weigh-in: 155.8
Today's weigh-in: 155.
Change: -0.8

Overall change: -19.4

Come back and see me tomorrow, I should have my list up by then!

Monday Moments of Zen: Kick Your Own Ass

2010-04-26T11:04:00.004-04:00

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
~~Buddha

The quote says enough on its own... I don't feel the need to explain why I used it any further than this:
There are so few things that you can actually control in this life.
Do you know what you CAN control? You can control how you treat your own body and what you do to maintain it.
If you are unhealthy or unhappy with yourself, CHANGE.
The feeling that you get from making that change is something that I can never explain to you, you have to feel it on your own.
Once you do, as the quote above states, it cannot be taken from you. Not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

Friday VLOG: In Which I Thank You Profusely and Answer As Many Questions As I Possibly Can

2010-04-23T13:08:00.009-04:00

It's Like Crack for Bloggers!!

2010-04-20T23:23:00.001-04:00

That is how I describe The Secret Is In The Sauce (SITS).

It is legal crack for bloggers... except you don't have to put up with the government getting all up in your biznass and ruining your high!

I'm so excited because today is my SITS Day! Most of my readers know what SITS is but, just for the record, I'll give you the definition from Amber's Dictionary of Delinquency (that would be ADD, for short, ahem):

SITS [noun]: 1. A community of female bloggers who provide support/inspiration/sympathy/humor to fellow bloggers through the magic of comments.
2. An addictive blogging community that allows bloggers like moi to feel so special they will freely admit to having crack-like withdrawals when unable to get to the site.

:::::twitches:::::

Welcome to my blog! I like to think of this place as a resting spot for my soul. I hope my blog lives up to its' motto and helps you find the Zen in YOUR Every Day Crazy.

I like to focus on a few things here in my corner of the blogosphere. I mainly blog about weight loss and yoga, belly dancing, infertility, and ... cupcakes. I love me some cupcakes. For a while, I had Sexy Cupcake Saturdays and that was *so* much fun. Until I decided to lose some weight. Now that I'm down almost 20 pounds, I might just bring them back for uh... purely cathartic purposes.

I try to be as brave and cool as I can on this blog and I pride myself on finding humor and peace in things that I can't control. I once did a vlog even though I was totally nervous :::::steps on her proverbial podium for applause:::::

What can I say? Adventure is my middle name... that's also how I know my parents hate me.

I hope you all enjoy my little corner of the blogiverse. Please feel free to pull up a yoga mat or a plush pillow, sit on the floor and stick around! I'll make tea.

Did I mention I got laid off last week after a ten year employment for the same company?

No?!

Then screw it, let's just have a Margarita!

Donald Trump Spanked Me

2010-04-15T09:34:00.006-04:00

That was the most interesting way I could verbalize the fact that I have been fired from my job after TEN YEARS. I just pictured Donald Trump saying "you're fired" and then running after me with a large paddle.

Gross.

Anyways... I guess I should say "laid off" but the above was more interesting.

Unfortunately, I did not get the position I interviewed for last week (I had mentioned that I'd keep ya'll updated on the status). That's ok though... there are a HUGE list of pros and a very small list of cons in my life right now, so I know that technically I'm very lucky, very blessed, and any other way you could want to verbalize that I should not be moping around feeling sorry for myself.

The good thing is that some of our ducks lined up in a nice little row and we should be ok for a little bit while I search for something else... and that I no longer have to deal with the toxicity that came with the position I had in that company.

I'm going to try and start my own cleaning service (I'm great at cleaning other people's houses, even though I royally suck at cleaning my own) and Russell has been getting more and more side jobs doing his handyman/household repair thing... so I know we're going to be ok!

I'm actually pretty happy right now, is that weird?

Cupcakes... HELL YEEEEEAAAAAAH!

2010-04-12T17:21:00.008-04:00

My mother and I have been discussing what will happen when she wins the lottery.

Not IF she wins the lottery, mind you... WHEN she wins the lottery.

I know she will win the lottery because she is the only woman who lives in North Carolina and still plays the Florida Lottery (we lived in Florida for :::::thinks::::: EVER).

We've decided we will open a cupcake "bar" in the middle of some unknown, yet perfect, area of Charlotte that is yet to be discovered.

We'll offer all sorts of cupcakes: vegan, carrot, low fat, die of Type 2 Diabetes inducing cupcakes, cupcakes that are really muffins but are called cupcakes because we want them to have a prettier name and it's our shop so you can suck it cupcakes.

Yeah, all of those.

I'm contemplating the conceptual design for our work uniforms...

So far I'm liking this idea:

I will, of course, change it up a bit. I think maybe we'll do vanilla with pink frosting. I'll also make the cupcake look less... hairy.
And maybe I'll install wheels on the bottom so we can roll up to people and take their order. I can hear the terrified, screaming babies now.

Awesome.

Did You Miss Me?

2010-04-09T08:13:00.003-04:00

I have been MIA lately, both from my blog and from a lot of my family. My absence is due entirely to stress, depression, anxiety and fear.

I am going to break the cardinal rule of blogging and talk about my work... negatively.

The way I see it is like this: If I get fired, it can only be a good thing... at least, at that point, I might be able to collect unemployment and then I'll have some steady pay coming in.

I've worked for a small company for the last 10 years. At one point, we were pulling in very good numbers... close to $100,000 a month. Those were good times and I reaped a lot of the benefits, so no complaints there.

Since the economy has tanked, our numbers have gone from $100,000 to $20,000. Instead of lowering my hours and managing the finances wisely, my boss decided to pile on my overtime and increase my responsibilities 10 fold. He then promptly stopped paying me on time.

At first, it was me receiving my paychecks in the mail (I work remotely now, since the move from Florida to North Carolina), depositing them, and them bouncing. This only occured once every month or two, so I let it go. Then, he decided he wanted to start cashing my paychecks for me and putting them in my account himself.
Fine.
Except for the fact that it almost never happens on time.
I have been paid in $100 increments for the last few month... BARELY once a week. I suppose my boss knows that I have to wait 10 days from the day paychecks are given out in order to file a complaint with the Department of Labor, because he always manages to pay me *something* before that.

The thing that really angers me is that while I'm not even able to go out to dinner every few months with my husband, my boss is buying Ed Hardy gift packages, taking trips to tropical islands, putting his 3 pure bred dogs in a dog spa for the weekend, and driving an Acura NSX. And all the employees who work for the company are supposedly getting paid on time.

I'm in a shitty situation here, enough said I guess.

I went in for a job interview that I feel really positive about. They narrowed down their search to just a few people, had us fill out a questionnaire, and now I'm just waiting to hear back from them.

Please send me positive vibes, prayers; cross your fingers, toes, eyes, etc. for me. I desperately need to get out of my current situation where I work now.

Wednesday Weigh-In... on a Thursday

2010-04-01T09:26:00.005-04:00

This is a day late, but if you had any idea what is going on in my life you would totally understand.

The sad thing is, this is my blog, you SHOULD know the deep-down-dirty aspects of my life... and you DO know a lot of them, but this has to do with work and I'm really trying to obey law# 1 of bloggy-commandments and that's NOT TO TALK ABOUT WORK. Suffice it to say that I am screwed people. Not literally, but figuratively speaking, I am totally bum-fucked screwed.

So, I'm under a lot of stress, and yesterday I could barely find the energy to post the giveaway winner but I didn't want to let ya'll down. I have to feel like I'm important, you see, and this blog sort of makes me feel that way.

So THANK YOU readers for making me feel like I have something I need to be accountable for. I'm serious. I think this blog helps my self esteem, which is really REALLY strange because I've never met most of you... but as bloggers, I think we all know the power of blog and internet buddies. It is much stronger than people who don't have blog/internet buddies can understand.

Alright, enough moping and rambling... here are my current stats:
Starting weight from Dec. 30th, 2009: 174.4
Current challenge goal: 154

Last weigh-in: 159.6
Today's weigh-in: 158.6
Change: -1.0

Overall change: -15.8

Yoga Mat Giveaway Winner!!

2010-03-31T17:23:00.008-04:00

I went to Random.Org, converted all your names into numbers, and added a number for you for the extra tweet, blog post, Facebook mention, etc. Then, I let the computer pick a random number. It picked 5, which was Jenna Z!

Congratulations, Jenna Z!

Not that I think ya'll don't trust me :P, but here is a picture for proof of my randomness:

Jenna, please email me your mailing info (americantribal@gmail.com) so I can give it to CSN and they will ship you the yoga mat.

Thanks for entering, everyone! :)

Because They're All Over My Monitor Anyway: Post It Note Tuesday

2010-03-30T09:42:00.011-04:00

They really are.

I've been working for the same guy, who has owned the same company, for most of my working life. A few years ago, he downloaded a program called Enotes. They are super convenient if you are one of those people, like me, who has post it notes ALL OVER the place. I mean everywhere. Once, I stood up from my desk and there was one stuck to the thigh of my jeans. Nice.

Enotes allowed me to have a post it note that was ON MY COMPUTER. It wasted less paper, and it was a lot harder to lose or forget about. But I digress...

A lot of my blogging buddies have been doing Post It Note Tuesdays, hosted by Supah Mommy, and I think maybe it's time I do some Post It Notes of my own. We all know I have enough verbal vomit to spew at the masses :P.

Some Day I'll Pay the Bills With This Guitar

2010-03-28T18:52:00.008-04:00

There are songs that, when I hear them on the radio (or walking through the grocery store, when no one else seems to hear them in the background), take my heart from my chest and dissect it, piece by piece until I can see the pieces in front of me like they've just been dumped from a shredder. Sometimes it physically hurts me and I can feel the tears form a huge puddle under my eyes, and the puddle wants to become an ocean, and my whole body shudders and convulses while I'm driving, and I hide my face with my hair and hope with all my being that my husband doesn't hear me because I know he'll never understand.

Hey There Delilah is one of those songs. Most people have heard this song, but if you haven't and you'd like to, here it is. This post might not make as much sense as it should, if you don't listen to it and you have never heard it.

In the midst of an awful argument that escalated way further than it should have, I sat behind the wheel of my car and attempted to grasp at the normalcy of a trip to the grocery store. This song came on the radio and I felt the separation spread between us. We were sitting right next to each other in the same car that we always took, and yet we were so far away... I felt like I couldn't have reached him with all the planes and the ships this world had to offer.

I remember thinking when this song first came out and when I realized how much my husband loved it, that I hoped with everything I had that it reminded him of us. Even if the words had nothing to do with our circumstances, the feeling behind the song has always reminded me of him. But then, every song reminds me of him. It's the music behind the words that bring him to me. I know that no matter what happens to us he will always be there; he's behind every note, every chord, every strum of every guitar and every melody that's ever made me feel anything beyond the pale. He's my music, and that's how I know that the love I have for him is more than what people see on the surface. Anyone that knows me knows that I live my life through music, it's my saving grace... it keeps me breathing. That's why, no matter how bad financial situations have gotten, I have always kept that ONE guitar, so I can keep my sanity. I sold almost all of them but I'll never sell them all. My husband is in my music; floating behind the vibrations created by strings and perfectly constructed wood.

As we drove in a thick silence that coated us like some disgusting exhaust slime, I listened to this song and wondered if Delilah and the person who wrote this song ever scream at each other. Do they call each other names and say hurtful things to one another? Does he throw spatulas at the door as she's closing it on his yelling? Does Delilah ever call this guy a lying sack of shit or go running through her neighborhood so fast and so hard that she almost throws up? Does she run so fast and far because she thinks that maybe, by some magical force that's beyond her she can shed their problems through her sweating pores? Does she lay next to him in bed and quietly resent his ability to sleep peacefully even though things seem like they're teetering on the edge of destruction?

Is it really LOVE if it doesn't occasionally rip your heart right out of your chest and make you absolutely fucking insane?

The verse that really hurts is: "A thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got planes and trains and cars, I'd walk to you if I had no other way."

I would walk to him if I had no other way... but he was sitting right next to me, and how do you explain a distance that big, when someone is so close?