The Daily 'Couve

Thursday, February 9, 2012

2012-02-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

Right-wingers begin planning this Summer's Bigotry Olympics Unfortunately most events are "just too gay" to include In the wake of the Washington House passing the bill to legalize gay marriage, local right-wingers realized they need to step up their game. "We need an event to really maximize our exposure and showcase our true character!" said Washougal city councilor Jon Russell. "We need,

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

2012-02-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

Having already given away farm, Clark County asks Baby Boomers if they'd also like this really nice shirt we're wearing too Clark County commissioners last night approved a blueprint for taking what little remains of Clark County's infrastructure and diverting it to the sole purpose of meeting the needs of the county's aging Baby Boomers. County administrator Bill Barron said that the plan

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

2012-02-07T09:57:00.000-08:00

Herrera celebrates Dickens's birthday by endorsing Romney for President "He's the only one," she said, "who can take our country back to a time when the poor knew their place and what passed for the middle class was too worried about being killed on the job to argue about wages and benefits."

Monday, February 6, 2012

2012-02-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

Columbian launches hard-hitting new series on that time you got drinks with a friend and that one kid's super-fun birthday party Following their award-winning stories on who put up Christmas lights and who had Super Bowl parties, the Columbian newspaper today announced that covering mundane shit in lieu of actual news is "the wave of our future." "We're really branching out and hitting those

Friday, February 3, 2012

2012-02-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

Leavitt to run for second term "As soon as I snag that crucial Trump endorsement" Vancouver Mayor Tim Leavitt announced yesterday that he is still weighing whether or not to run for a second term. "There are a lot of considerations I'm considering," he said. "Most of all, I want to be sure that I really have my finger on the pulse of this community. That I really understand their needs and

Thursday, February 2, 2012

2012-02-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

Guy nicknamed "The Groundhog" predicts six more weeks of bigoted bitching about same-sex marriage When local man James Groundey, 49, of Hazel Dell, stepped out to get the newspaper this morning, he squinted and groaned. "Not used to seeing the sun this early," he said as he unfolded the paper. Holding it out in front of him, his head cast a shadow on a story about Washington's state senate

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

2012-02-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Herrera, Leavitt meet to swap hairstyling tips Comparison of teeth-whitening systems not off the table Representative Jaime Herrera and Vancouver Mayor Tim Leavitt met last week to discuss "matters of extreme importance to their constituents," said a Herrera spokesman. "I felt we needed to find common ground," said Leavitt. "And ..." he leaned in conspiratorially, "You might not believe this,

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

2012-01-31T11:11:00.000-08:00

Benton: Ignorance of the law should TOTALLY be an excuse for breaking the law! Continuing his campaign to win Most Ridiculous Legislator of the Year, Senator Don Benton (R-17) advanced a bill that would let members of private sports associations violate their own rules and regulations as long as they claimed they weren't aware of those same rules and regulations in the first place. "We all

Monday, January 30, 2012

2012-01-30T10:31:00.000-08:00

Benton wants to make English the state's official language "Because, you know, that'll help create jobs and infrastructure and stuff" State Senator Don Benton (R-17) continued his campaign for the hearts and minds of his constituents last week when he upheld his pledge to fight for jobs and and infrastructure by proposing a bill to make English the state's official language. "Wait, what?"

Friday, January 27, 2012

2012-01-27T10:51:00.000-08:00

Score! Washington's (lack of) tax structure awesome for businesses! Too bad Johnny can't do the math to figure out why that's fucked.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

2012-01-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

Clark County leaders launch exciting new program to stifle voices that aren't theirs Identity Clark County and the Greater Vancouver Chamber of Commerce today announced that they will once again be joining forces on a new project, "Leadership Inaction." "We're mainly focused on the Columbia River Crossing project," said GVCC board chair Tim Schauer. "A bunch of us were at a board meeting --

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

2012-01-25T10:10:00.000-08:00

Local man concerned that gay marriage will "do some serious damage" to his fantasies that every gay man "totally wants me" When Chuck Garners, 46, of Hudsons Bay, found out that gay marriage might well become a reality in Washington, he was quick to show his opposition. "Look," he said from his garage papered with sweaty MMA pictures. "My entire understanding of gays is based on the

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

2012-01-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

Parks Department reconfigured into Valet and Handservant Academy "Finally, someone understands our kids' future" Faced with an ongoing budget crisis, Vancouver-Clark Parks & Recreation is undergoing a "complete and total redesign," said the sole remaining Parks official yesterday. Beginning February 1, Vancouver's community centers and public parks will be used to train local children for "

Monday, January 23, 2012

2012-01-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

CRC project whittled down to one "really nice" fly-through video Local leaders today announced that instead of continuing with plans to build the Columbia River Crossing, "We're just going to make a really nice video so everyone can see what it would have been like if we'd been able to get our shit together at some point in these last 20 years." "It's going to be a killer video," said

Thursday, January 19, 2012

2012-01-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

Local man disappointed when possible snow day turned into a "hung over and unjustifiably late for work" day Despite suspiciously warm temperatures and a consistent failure of local weather forecasters to accurately predict the weather, Jim Hersford, 38, of Arnada, was convinced Wednesday was going to be a snow day. "I mean, c'mon!" he said. "It was totally snowing on Tuesday night, and they

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

2012-01-18T10:21:00.000-08:00

[Headline Redacted] [Contents censored in deference to corporate ownership of the lawmaking process.] Contact your legislators, especially one Ms. Herrera, and tell them: Don’t censor the Web Fighting online piracy is important. The most effective way to shut down pirate websites is through targeted legislation that cuts off their funding. There’s no need to make American social networks,

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

2012-01-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

Cold, crystalline form of precipitation vexes entire metropolitan area "This is completely unprecedented," say local experts When flakes of cold, wet white stuff started to fall from the sky, Vancouver residents stared in wonder from the safety of their car windows. "I've never seen anything like it," said Vince Raines, 45, of Felida. "I've heard about things like this -- I've read about it --

Monday, January 16, 2012

2012-01-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

Vancouver honors MLK Day by agreeing to hold off on the immigrant-bashing for 24 hours "But we can still talk shit about the gays, right? I mean, most of them are white, so that's cool, right?"

Friday, January 13, 2012

2012-01-13T10:39:00.000-08:00

State economist shocked -- SHOCKED -- to discover better-paying job in private sector Washington state economist Arun Raha announced his resignation this week, in order to take a better-paying, less stressful job in the private sector. "I don't know if you guys knew this," he told reporters, "but in the private sector people are generally paid better." He shook his head. "I can't believe no

Thursday, January 12, 2012

2012-01-12T09:52:00.000-08:00

Gov. Gregoire announces exciting second career: Gay wedding photographer! In a surprise press conference yesterday, Washington governor Christine Gregoire announced her post-gubernatorial plans. "It's long been my dream," she said, "to express myself artistically. I look forward to pursuing a career as Washington's most in-demand wedding photographer." "Well," said state Sen. Joe Zarelli. "That

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

2012-01-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

County commissioners look forward to getting their knobs polished The Board of Clark County Commissioners yesterday voted to accept a state matching grant that will pay for them to get their knobs polished at the county courthouse. Mark McCauley, county general services director, applied for the grant knowing that the commissioners had plenty of room in the budget. "We also have an allotment,"

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

2012-01-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

Ambulance company asks Vancouver, "It's cool if we walk, right?" Faced with an unsustainable business model based on trying to profit from what should be a public service, American Medical Response asked the Vancouver City Council for a little help last night. "See," said Johnny Rocket, a sales rep from AMR, "With so many people barely scraping by, and the federal government's medical payouts

Monday, January 9, 2012

2012-01-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

Lawmakers return to Olympia armed with a chainsaw and some rubber cement Washington state legislators returned to Olympia this morning to begin 2012's 60-day session, with the primary aim of closing a more than $1 billion budget gap. "I'm kind of looking forward to it, actually," said Rep. Ed Orcutt, brandishing his monogrammed chainsaw. "If there's one thing I know, it's how to clear-cut!" "

Friday, January 6, 2012

2012-01-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

Ask Dr. Badplan Good Advice for Bad Listeners Dear Dr. Badplan: It really burns my biscuits when people say things like, "Christians should be more accepting." I mean, how dare they make blanket statements about MY religion? Especially when there are people in other religions who aren't very accepting or understanding either? I mean, why aren't you pointing fingers at them first? Signed,

Thursday, January 5, 2012

2012-01-05T11:49:00.000-08:00

Gov. Gregoire announces intent to destroy the institution of marriage and everyone who engages in it "You're on to me," Washington Governor Christine Gregoire announced yesterday. "I thought I'd hid it so well for so long, but I guess not. It's true. I want to destroy the institution of marriage." She shrugged her shoulders. "What else do you call it when you want to take a benefit one group