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The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles.

Richard Omega, the Dandy Goat’s chief writer, graphic designer, editor, social media coordinator and in-house legal counsel, says that in the absence of Dubbles, the closure was inevitable.

“Franklin was the heart, soul and gallbladder of the Dandy Goat,” Omega said. “Without him, we’re nothing but a snail without the mushy parts inside, just a shell. Or is it the other way around? Maybe he was the pretty shell and we’re the mushy parts.”

“Either way, we couldn’t go on without him,” he added.

Dubbles was known for his impeccable dress, unflinching certainty of his own moral and social standing, and a preternatural ability to talk at great lengths without actually saying anything. He launched the Dandy Goat more than three years ago as a vehicle to “push society forward on the right path towards real progress, if that makes any sense, which I suppose it doesn’t, but it sounds nice,” as he once said.

Those who knew Dubbles well say that he was obsessed with the idea that history could be nearly divided into two sides, the wrong side and the right side, and that he believed we had only a few more steps to go and we’d be located on the right side, forever.

“Franklin was convinced that everything would be so nice and sweet-smelling there on the right side of history,” Omega said.

Click here for access to the Best of the Dandy Goat

Psychologists say that when in November a brash and wrong-thinking New York property developer was elected as U.S. president, Dubbles was struck by a bout of acute moral indignation from which even his firm sense of superiority could not protect him. He fell into a deep melancholy, barely able to make it to appointments with his stylist —or to brunches with likeminded friends.

And whereas he was once a luminary on social media, Dubbles found that he could he could no longer post rambling, self-righteous rants on Facebook, let alone tweet — as he was so fond of doing — in favor of trending hashtags created by activists.

“His tragic flaw was that he really had faith in the inherent goodness of people, of their willingness to follow him and other cultured intellectual fashionistas into tomorrow,” Omega said. “Sadly, this only set him up for catastrophic disappointment.”

A week after Election Day, Dubbles was sent to a private psychiatric hospital in upstate New York where he is expected to live out the rest of his days watching old episodes of Jon Stewert-era “The Daily Show,” taking fabulous selfies and posting them to an anonymous Instagram account, and writing a memoir about life among savages.

“Franklin was always so passionate about his own ideas, even if they struck others as vapid, but he still wasn’t afraid to voice them, and that’s what counts,” said dentistry model Iris Pearl, who dated Dubbles in the spring of 2012. “He’d happily take to the streets to march in favor of polyamorous interspecies relationships, or go on Twitter to call for a boycott of the Smurfs for promoting an unrealistic body image, if he sensed it was the next big thing.”

In addition to Dubbles’ tireless work as the Dandy Goat’s publisher and Omega’s humble offerings as chief content provider, several contributing writers did help to give the publication its reputation as one that would essentially publish anything. Not least among these writers is Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who over the last few years wrote nearly 60 articles for the Dandy Goat. I.M. Salmon, a relative newcomer, saw 11 of his articles digitally printed in the distinguished pages of the website. For access to the Best of the Dandy Goat’s content written by Dubbles, Omega, Herstal, and Salmon, click here.

Omega says that if Dubbles were able to speak today, he’d probably offer a tearful thank you to the devoted readers of the Dandy Goat and urge them to never give up the fight against — whatever is currently out of fashion.

“And then he would go back to grooming his eyebrows, something which he truly enjoyed,” Omega said.

Want to see the best and worst of our photoshoppery?

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To:      Exceptional High School Juniors

From: Elite College Admissions (ECA) in Cambridge, MA.

Subj:   The Fat Envelope Advantage

Congratulations! You are receiving this e-mail message because you’ve scored 1550 or higher on the new SATs and maintained at least a 4.04 GPA.

Are you still looking for that decisive edge that sets you apart from tens of thousands of other applicants to Stanford, Harvard and Princeton?  Your peers will be ladling soup at homeless shelters and collecting used toys for the Ronald McDonald House, but how many will have volunteered at a leper colony in India?

ECA had signed an exclusive agreement with the Agondi Leper Colony in Goa, India. Located on the Arabian Sea coast, the area is known for its white sand beaches, flora and fauna and kayaking. Your deluxe suite at the Taj Exotica Hotel (5 stars) is only a short, air-conditioned van ride from your one hour per day of service at the colony.

Because we are staffed entirely by Ivy League graduates, we know that admissions officers place a premium on essays that detail the HOW and WHY of your international experience, not only a description. We pride ourselves on writing college application essays that are indistinguishable from your own voice, and this allows us to convey your transparent commitment to caring about India’s underserved lepers.

Our foolproof essay includes a bibliography showing your immersion in the topic. And, to avoid a verbal faux pas while at the colony, we include a list of insensitive comments. Examples: “Lend me a hand,” “gimme some skin,” and any “pull my finger” jokes.

The politically correct and medical term for leprosy is Hansen’s Disease. But at ECA we still prefer “leper” because this works to your advantage. Agondi Colony patients are no longer infectious, but the stigma and ignorance surrounding leprosy means that unenlightened admissions officers will be bowled over by your intrepid courage and boundless empathy.

The committee will see an on-site video of you mingling with victims’ blindness, severed limbs, and hideous facial disfigurations. Squeamish being around crippling deformities? We can photoshop you giving Mother Teresa worthy embraces and shaking claw-like hands. In short, your application will wrench tears from the most jaded “We’ve Seen It All” officials.

Note: This opportunity is strictly time limited because only sixteen of the original 3,000 patients at Agondi are still alive, the youngest at 81 and the oldest 95.  Bit by bit, we anticipate a precipitous drop-off to occur. Worse yet, the capacity now exists to eradicate leprosy worldwide, so act quickly.

Cost: $25,000 for two weeks, plus airfare. For an additional fee, side trips to Mumbai, New Delhi and Bangalore are available. Only twenty-five students will be accepted for Summer 2017.

For online application forms go to: ECA@LepCol.com

Note: Author I.M. Salmon is known in some circles as Gary Olson.

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“Kid, here’s 10 bucks to order a pizza,” international news editor Karla Oakes told the 22-year-old Walker. “Take your iPhone into [fashion and culture editor] Allison [Schmidt]’s office, because she’s off sick today, and I want you to find out what really happened in Europe. Who was behind this plan? How did the police infiltrate the terrorist network? You wanted a chance to prove yourself, well, here it is.”

“Has anyone tweeted racist remarks about the incident?” she added. “Five million American millennials with only a passing interest in world events are counting on you.”

Exhausted and emotionally drained, Walker returned from Twitter four hours later after having glossed over nearly 6500 tweets, five of which he selected to be embedded in the hard-hitting, fact-laden 250-word article.

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MEMPHIS — In a story that is almost too sad to publish, a shopping mall Santa Claus from Tennessee was able to hold a teenage girl on his lap for a few minutes before she died of shame.

Christie Dirk, 13, was shopping at Oak Crest Mall with her parents and two younger brothers on Friday afternoon when her father, Derek, noticed that there was no line to visit Santa Claus. He ordered Christie and 7-year-old twins Christopher and Nate to sit on Santa’s lap for a photo — a family tradition.

What followed is truly heartbreaking.

Christie’s mother Julie later reported that her daughter’s face lost all color and that she nearly fainted.

“She kept repeating that she was too old, too old, too old to sit on Santa’s lap,” Julie said. “She looked at me with those big brown eyes and said, Mom, what if someone sees me? I’ll totally die.”

“And I didn’t listen to her,” Julie said. “I said, get your butt over there before your father gets angry.”

After the twins told Santa what they wanted for Christmas and it was Christie’s turn, that’s when she first exhibited signs of acute turpitudinem, a condition that while simply uncomfortable for most people, can be fatal for teenagers. The 13-year-old started trembling and her pupils became dilated.

As she was sitting on Santa’s lap with a blank expression on her face, two classmates from Maxwell Dunkirk Middle School walked nearby. According to several witnesses, the two snickering boys said, “Hey Christie, is that your new boyfriend?”

Erwin Ross, 62, who dresses up as the mall’s Santa every year, say that’s when Christie looked up at him with a mix of horror and contempt.

“She whispered something about being embarrassed and then she died, right there in my arms,” Ross says. “I didn’t even have time to give her a candy cane.”

Maxwell Dunkirk Middle School principal Lorenzo Hunter says that Christie was a promising young student who excelled at math and science, and who loved playing lacrosse. In her honor, the school is naming Dec. 19 as Christie Dirk Day. Every year on that date, every student will be required to wear a shirt with the last photo of Christie on it, the one her father took moments before she died.

“We need to make a serious effort to teach young people that it’s okay to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas,” Hunter said. “Christie might have died of shame, but she did it for a good cause.”

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Chris Runsup, 34, who was tasked on Saturday with making a reservation at the Blue Mesa Grill for himself and 10 friends, explained to the waitress that he takes very seriously his duty as the group’s chosen representative.

“Ma’am, I recognize that most of us have voiced a desire for one of your signature blue margaritas, and others said they wanted an ice-cold beer,” Runsup said. “However, as a Hamilton diner, I must defy the wishes of the majority, for they know not what’s in their own best interest.”

“Water for everyone,” he added.

Amid grumbles of discontent from Runsup’s friends, the reluctant waitress returned with 11 glasses of ice water.

“I know that my decision won’t be popular, but it’s not my job to do what’s popular, but rather to do what’s right,” Runsup said. “For a starter, we’ll take six orders of your vegetarian flautas with creamy queso dip.”

“And give us each a plate of your Albuquerque chicken enchiladas, with black beans instead of pinto beans,” he continued. “I’ve had them before, and I know in my heart of hearts that everybody will enjoy them.”

“They’re spicy, but not too much,” he added.

Blue Mesa Grill owner Dawn Shepherd, 54, says that customers who make reservations generally don’t order for everyone in the dining party, but the right does belong to them.

“It’s written down, right there in our customer bill of rights,” she said. “But it’s mostly to protect children, as a safeguard against them ordering something they’ll think is yucky, or that might give them a tummyache.”

The post ‘Hamilton diner’ just going to order for whole table appeared first on Dandy Goat.

Robert Pill, a lieutenant in the notorious Pfizer Cartel, was last seen around 10:30 a.m. at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center in Las Vegas before blending in with a tour group of retirees from Nebraska and sneaking out past security guards and event staff.

FDA agent Brad Vax, who spent four years in the Pfizer Cartel working undercover as a supply chain manager, says that Pill rose through the ranks by dazzling his superiors with his detailed knowledge of Latin American distribution networks.

“Pill has overseen the trafficking of Viagra to rural villages in Guatemala, which has led to an increase of violent uprisings in the countryside,” Vax said. “He’s also responsible for a ruthless advertising campaign in Colombia that resulted in more than 200,000 people who suffer from high cholesterol asking their doctors if Lipitor is right for them.”

Pill, who is 54 years old and stands at just over six feet tall, was in Las Vegas to deliver a speech to other major drug organizations about the need to streamline approval processes in emerging African markets in preparation for the next generation of cancer-fighting ALK inhibitors.

“If you see Robert Pill, don’t approach him, don’t speak to him, just contact the FDA and we’ll bring him back for the keynote address, which has incidentally been rescheduled for Friday at 2 p.m.,” Vax said. “He is known to carry dozens of Pfizer-branded items including pens and tote bags, and he’s not afraid to give them out to total strangers.”

This the second such escape in recent memory. In February, CFO Susana “Numbers” Ortega and research unit head Wes “FDA Approval” Wu — both high-ranking members of the GlaxoSmithKline Cartel — escaped while being transported to a pharmaceutical convention in Boston. They remain at large.

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“It’s uncanny how much this Moscow-sponsored article linking hundreds of mysterious deaths to the Clintons contains the same misspellings and grammatical errors as those in an email Uncle Ron sends the whole family about once a year,” said niece Rachelle, 25, who studies Slovenian folk dancing at Purdue University. “Those Russians have totally mastered how write like an average Midwesterner who dropped out of school at age 16 to work in a parts factory.”

After years of training to be able to copy the syntax and diction of Uncle Ron, 42, the Russians likely spend months following InfoWars, the Drudge Report, and Indianapolis talk-radio host Kevin Landon — known to WVPQ listeners as “The Freedom Guy” — as the fake news articles that undoubtedly tipped the outcome of the election are sprinkled with references to all three.

Not only have the Russians learned how to write in the same style as Uncle Ron, but they have mastered his idiosyncratic rules of capitalization and seemingly random punctuation use.

“Who else writes that the Clinton Foundation is ‘a global Syndicate of pedo’s and Crook’s; who’s real Master is Agenda 21’ (sic) except for Uncle Ron?” niece Rachelle said. “Very astute Russians hellbent on putting a former game show host in the White House, that’s who.”

Uncle Ron, who has been unemployed since 2013 and blames his misfortune on the cabal of bankers and globalists who run world, the Clintons chief among them, has coincidentally boasted about his “citizen reporting” and last year purchased the web domains usapatriotinfo.net and clintonnewsreport.us, both of which have since been shut down after being threatened with a libel suit.

The post Russians behind fake US news awfully good at sounding like Uncle Ron appeared first on Dandy Goat.

“Candy’s got what it takes to serve as my secretary of office: a beautiful face, a gorgeous body that’s just stunning in professional attire, manicured nails, and at the interview she kept calling me Mr. T,” Trump said. “I mean, how cute is that?”

Sources say that McKitten is not only nice to look at, but she also does that thing where she absentmindedly traces the outline of her full lips with a pen while reading emails, which is just, oh man.  

Former Secretary of Office Bunny Godwin, 46, who served under President Bill Clinton from 1993 to 1995, says that few people realize how difficult it is to work for a demanding  president.

“You can’t just be any sweet ass with a smile to match,” Godwin said. “You’ve got to be totally dedicated to your role. Come in with torn stockings or a cold sore and bam — you’re gone.”

McKitten graduated from Virginia Community College with an associate’s degree in psychology, according to her LinkedIn profile. In high school she was a varsity volleyball player and was voted by her senior class as Nicest Pair of Legs. For the last three years she has been practicing yoga, which insiders say was the deciding factor in giving her the job.

The post Trump picks Candy McKitten as Secretary of Office appeared first on Dandy Goat.

Donald Trump, the nation’s recently ascended führerpreneur, has been holding victory rallies just like Adolph Hitler did in the 1930s, according to a friend who just last week watched the first part of a really good History Channel documentary about World War II.

“Look at Trump standing there on a stage, talking in a microphone while his supporters cheer like a bunch of Nazis,” said David McGovern, 28, watching a video clip of Thursday’s Ohio event. “That’s right out of the Hitler playbook, you know, say things that crowds want to hear, make them start clapping and whooping — some real Third Reich shit. Gives me the chills.”

“Look man, anyone with an elementary knowledge of history knows Trump’s next move will be to order his people to wear colored armbands so they can all recognize each other, then he’s going to make them swear allegiance to him,” McGovern said. “That is, if go with the example set by Hitler, which we should because he’s the most known and hated dictator in modern history, which makes my shaky claims all the more resonant.”

“And Steve Bannon is Goebbels, not that I’d expect you to know who Goebbels is, but if you watch this documentary, you’ll totally understand,” he added.

McGovern went on to predict that after his January inauguration, Trump will dispatch his brownshirts to beat up Vox readers, smash the windows of locally owned organic food shops, and make large, fraudulent takeaway orders to Mexican restaurants.

Editor’s note: After minutes of extensive Googling, we confirm that this article contains the first documented usage of the the word “führerpreneur,” which means that those letters, in that order, belong to us. Any unauthorized or otherwise uncredited use of “führerpreneur” will result in expressions of severe disapproval.

The post Trump holding rallies ‘just like Hitler did,’ says friend who watched WWII documentary appeared first on Dandy Goat.

“Governor Christie, with his proven digestive tract record and an impressive appetite for reform, is the ideal candidate to oversee the country’s some 4500 chophouses, steakhouses, roadhouses, sizzlers and other eateries that specialize in grilled, broiled and pan-fried cuts of beef,” Trump said on Monday.

While the appointment of Christie — long seen as a dining establishment figure — is being applauded by moderates in the GOP and steakhouse waitstaff everywhere as a smart choice, more conservative Republicans are fuming.

“Do Americans really want the federal government telling them where to find the juiciest ribeye, when everyone knows that it’s Delmar’s Grill in downtown Houston?” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We don’t need Governor Christie and unelected Washington bureaucrats telling us that tenderloins are the best cuts when folks around here know that t-bones are mighty fine.”

Sources predict that Christie’s first move will be to update the Department of Steak’s website so that more Americans will to able to easily find out where a man can get a decent dry-aged porterhouse around here. Also, Christie will likely implement new rules requiring steakhouses to provide comically oversized bibs to every adult who requests one, and to award t-shirts that say “I Ate The Biggest Cut” to any customer who finishes a 72-ounce steak and three side dishes in under an hour, according to sources.

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