The Dark Side of a White Page

Dear Student Loans, I can explain...

2011-02-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Student Loans,

I have noticed in your letters that you've been brunching with Accrued Interest increasing the amount I can't afford to an even higher amount. I know that the deal I signed said I would pay the amount borrowed along with the interest but I also thought I would have a job by now. A government that gave a break to the auto industry can't help those of us trying to find our American dream. I'm not saying to eliminate Accrued Interest completely just trim it down to half on just student loans--I mean you.

I have been trying for two years to find a job that pays double what I'm paid now. I know $30,000 a year is not a whole lot of money but to me it would a tremendous win fall. I would be able to pay my bills, take care of my four children, and lower to down in amount student loan. Yes, that would mean the honeymoon with accrued interest would be over because you will be see him less and less. It's a closet dream right now but it's the only dream that riddles my every thought.

I will pay you off someday and our relationship of debt and debtor will also end. This economy will pick up bringing the jobs that people in my similar situation have been praying for. Mark my words Student Loans your going down.

A soon to be empowered borrower,

Crystal Cook

A Fragment: The Modern Misanthrope

2010-12-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

Note: This was an assignment for my Theater Analysis class from Fall 2009. The point of the assignment was to analyze what made the Misanthrope work as a play. I concluded that it takes eccentric characters and a drama of everyday life. It ends at the point it does because the teacher required it to be a rewrite of at least a page and a half. The book was in small print arranged in a two column structure but the line count is still the same. Keep in mind this is my first attempt at a rhyme pattern--please be kind.

The Modern Misanthrope

By: Crystal Cook-Hodges

Based on "The Misanthrope" By Moliere

Cast of Characters (pertaining to this fragment)
Adrien (Alceste)
Philo (Philinte)

Time
From early morning before school

Scene
The scene throughout is a multipurpose room of the high school with a basketball goal stage right and lunch tables stage left. The team mascot--a lion--is painted on the back wall along with the school's name--Moliere High School.

Act I
The scene opens on Philo and Adrien

PHILO:
What's wrong this time?

ADRIEN:
(seated at a lunch table)
Please leave me alone.

PHILO:
Spill it.
(Adrien glances up)
Don't look at me with that tone.

ADRIEN:
Please let me be with my attitude.

PHILO:
Attitude? Your just plain rude.

ADRIEN:
I like being rude and pretending to be deaf.

PHILO:
Your bipolar moods have hit a bass clef.
We've been best friends since first grade.

ADRIEN:
(abruptly rising)
Friends? Then unfriend me from your listed parade.
I just saw upon your facebook page,
You use the word friend like you're on a stage.
I can no longer ignore the choices you've made.
You lied when you said you hated Elizabeth Jade.

PHILO:
This is all about friending most of the school?

ADRIEN:
My God, did you not read the rule?
Only friend those you like and associate the most;
Not everyone from coast to coast.
You treat them like friends on facebook;
but your friendship is like Peter Pan and Captain Hook.
You wrote loving things upon Elizabeth's wall;
Like how you agreed with her post if I recall.
Behind her back is a different story.
You called her a whore for sleeping with John Dory.
I would hate to hear what you say behind my back.
You smile with friendship while I wait for an attack.
I for one would never pretend to be their friends.
I scrutinize each friend request with a closeup lens.
I would rather hang myself than friend them insincere.
Why friend them at all in our last academic year?

PHILO:
Why do you always have to be a drama king?
You miss the point of the whole thing.
It's all about making friends you may not like or see;
But on farm town you hope they send a fruit tree.

ADRIEN:
You break the rules for gifts on your fake farm!

PHILO:
What rules? It's fun without any harm.

ADRIEN:
You speak without a thoughtful notion
that friendship comes from true devotion.

PHILO:
When someone sends me a friend request
I accept it without a thought of protest.
In return some like to play Mafia War.
A request I sent you but you chose to ignore.

ADRIEN:
I've never been one to give into pop culture.
I can tell now you pick it up like a vulture.
I keep my page clean, unlike you,
to show potential colleges that may view,
I'm into my school work and not idol games.
You will find no pictures of earthly shames,
or find links to Youtube's popular posts.
I have only two friends who I keep close
and I became a fan of Harvard University you know.
This has always been the place I wanted to go.
Colleges and jobs can see all these things
and judge you by the threaded strings
that link you to what makes or breaks your future.
A wound to your soul that is hard to suture.
I see handing out friendship in the same way.
Why friend people you rather betray?
Friending everyone is like a bad cliche.
It gets used over and over until we're lead astray
by idiots who just want you to play.
Leaving requests for hugs and quizzes that carry away
the true meaning of friendship I hold so dear.
A false sense of friendship that I can see clear.
I feel this social media has eaten your brain.
Friending everyone who requests is utterly insane.

PHILO:
The point of facebook is to network with friends,
but I do see the point you defend.

ADRIEN:
Why would I need to network at all?
To allow them access to my wall?
My friendship comes without a mask.
Friending everyone would be a disagreeable task.
I've seen these people's retarded posts.
I will never allow my wall to be their host.

PHILO:
I've had a few that has left me confused
but I considered the source, so they were excused.
You can't judge people for their posts alone
sometimes their intents are clearly unknown.
It's the same as a book when you look at its cover.
You have to open it up to find the plot to discover.
Most of their pictures are the same from our year book.
You wouldn't judge them by how they look.

ADRIEN:
Yes, I would.

PHILO:
Then you would tell Mrs. Wright it's pathetic
that her photo shopped picture looks really synthetic.
Smudging the wrinkles can't erase her age.

ADRIEN:
I would.

PHILO:
And you would tell Dora upon her facebook page
she should have invested into acne cream
in an attempt to help build her self esteem?

ADRIEN:
Pricisely.

PHILO:
You're joking

ADRIEN:
Haven't you heard the truth shall set you free?
True--judging them by their looks is a bit extreme
but from their facebook this where colleges critique.
A picture can replace the written words we speak
but what does it say when others view?
Slutty clothes may not show the real you.
What does it say about those who add you to their page?
Least we forget the world is a stage.
Judging us for our actions and friends
leaving our social connections at odds and ends.

Still Searching...

2010-10-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

How many rejection e-mails must I suffer through before I find a job that pays worth a damn?

I'm beginning to think I went to college and earned a degree that I will never be able to use. I've even been rejected for a job that only required a high school diploma. I knew finding a job was the tricky part of life but where is the silver lining everyone talks about?

If one more person says 'you should just feel lucky you have a job' I will punch them in the face. The job I have SUCKS! I'm not stupid--29 hours spread over 5 days is wasting my gas. If a person works 5 days it should be for 40 hours or close to that not 29. Politicians want to call and waste my cell phone minutes with their propaganda but they don't crack down on businesses that are making profits at the expense of their workers.

In short still searching for a job that pays better than Wal-Mart.

I can hear you crying Detroit

2010-02-27T10:09:00.000-08:00

What happened to our dreams?
Are they all dying?
A car in every drive,
A chicken in the oven and apple pie.
Now I’m down here in Missouri
But I can hear Detroit cry.
Their dreams are torn to sunder.
All they’re hard work lying in foreclosure.

You hear the congressmen say
The problems lie on the welfare line.
What about the jobs we rely on?
Can they guarantee those?
Congressmen show me the jobs
I’ll happily step aside right out of this line
I went to college to better myself
To give my children a better life
Where are the jobs I dreamed of?
Can you hear me Congressman?

I work at a Wal-Mart for a little more than minimum wage.
The hours keep me below the poverty line.
But they’re a big corporation
They can fire me and hire someone else the same day.
Now tell me Congressman could that be the real reason
That line grows longer every day?
I guess that money that pads your pocket
Blinds you to the truth of those who earn less than you.

I can hear you crying Detroit.
I hear you every day.
You want a hand up not a hand out.
You devoted your life for a corporation who wasn’t devoted to you.
You chased a white rabbit to a world
Where stability was masked with a living wage.
That Cheshire Cat Corporation is still smiling at your pain
Long after they’re gone.
Leaving an asphalt desert where dreams once breathed.

The cars you built were quality.
They kept me warm all those long nights
I slept in my car to afford going to college.
It at least blocked the wind
From cutting to the quick
But at the time I never thought to say thank you.
I was too busy crying
Dreaming of a better life.
Where I had a job
That paid enough to sleep in an actual bed.

I voted for a president who gave me hope
That my dreams were not dying.
He said things would get worse
Before we saw improvement
And he wasn’t lying.
Somewhere on the horizon line
We’ll all see a better day.
If our congressmen
Will meet the president at least half way.
They forget the simple man voted them into office.
We lack the funds to afford their attention.

Detroit is crying
But so is everyone else.
No one can survive on minimum wage.
Try to prove they can congressmen
By lowering your wages to that line.
Then maybe you can see
What a living wage needs to be
Just to barely get by.

I never thought the car in every drive
Would be a home to survive.
If that’s where you reside tonight
Dry the tears from your eyes
And thank Detroit for your unexpected habitat of steel.
We will all rise back up again.
While the corporations blow away in the wind.
They can never take our American pride.
It’s all we have when our homes and savings are gone.

My New Year's Resolution

2010-01-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, last years resolution to become a high maintenance woman didn't quite work out. Namely because I have no clue what it takes to be a high maintenance individual. I was born poor, to poor parents, and it looks like I will also die poor.

This year my resolution is to finish my book and get it professionally edited so I don't look like an idiot when it gets critiqued. Getting it published is a bit too far fetched at this point. I all most have 500 pages and four more chapters to go.

I just want to say, for the record, that I don't feel getting my book published will make me rich but at least I can cross number 123 off my life list. I have a list of about 200 things I want to do before I die and I haven't crossed anything off. When I made the list in 2007 I thought I would have at least 3 crossed off by now. Who knew it would take so much money just to get to England then twice that to stay? Yes, going to England is number one on my list and I don't see getting tere in 2010 either.

Getting a professional job should be my resolution this year but is not something within my control. A resolution should always be something you can control or you waste your time and efforts trying.

My journey for wheels

2009-11-19T11:28:00.000-08:00

The trip to get a new vehicle started October 20 when I won my bid for a 2005 Chevy Uplander from the GSA Auctions website. My dad had found it and called to see if it was something I would like and thirty minutes before the auction closed on it I bid $4,399 to out bid the last person then sat hitting the refresh button until it closed. It values at $8,200 as is even though it is high in mileage. The insurance settled at $5,300 and for that price I got: a vehicle, 2 plane tickets to LA, gas-food-lodging, and the license for the vehicle when I returned to Missouri. Not too shabby.

I had never flown in my entire life. I had only heard stories on what to expect so I was a little nervous. We (Me and my Husband Brian) boarded in Kansas City and flew to Denver. The view from the window was spectacular--that is closer to Denver. I didn't get to see the inside of the main terminal in Denver that looked like tepees all in a row. We went to the United Airlines terminal. We had only a thirty minute wait between landing and take off. I ate a bagel with everything on it--toasted. I had never toasted a bagel before because they typically got stuck in my toaster and I'm not a fan of black smoke rising from a small appliance. We ate quickly then hopped on the plane and took off for LA. We landed in LA an hour and forty-five minutes after take off. It had been estimated at 2 hours and 15 minutes. The first thing we noticed was a vending machine from best buy with DSi's, PSP's, Ipod's, and car charger's for a cell phone. We stood in amazement for a moment then went to the bathroom. We knew we had to find the green line tram to get to the Metro Link headed for Norwalk. We asked one airline worker, who sent us to another airline worker, who sent us to a police officer, who directed us out of the airport to a man who directed us on where to stand. We stood waiting for about a half hour on the green line but it was worth the wait. The drive to the Metro Link was long.

When we arrived at the Metro Link we first bought a ticket. It read like each stop was $1.25 so we bought an all day pass for $5. Brian looked at the long flight of stairs and almost refused to walk to the top. I forced him to go up and we waited about 15 minutes for its arrival. I kept my ticket in hand just in case they checked them later. They never did--I could have rode for free but since I like to be honest I paid. In this day and time there are things on the honor system? Shocking but true. There were several stops along the line but we had to make it all the way to the last stop--Norwalk. I had called a man named Craig to take us to the Norwalk Auto Auction (GSA Auctions online). My dad had set it up with Craig so we didn't have to walk all that way and I'm glad. It was a long way from the Norwalk stop with the big giant bee to the auction house. Along the way I saw cardboard boxes and draped sheets that formed make-shift housing among the bushes between off ramps. I've never lived the rich life but at least I had a home. It made me wonder if that was where their dreams of becoming an actor or actress died--or maybe they had it all until they lost their house. It was saddening to see but I wish the best to those souls I never meet.

We arrived at the Norwalk Auto Auction and Craig drove us back to the van. I was happy to see it looked exactly like it did online. Craig gave us all the needed paperwork and with one stop to hand the person who checks off a car has left a paper we were gone. Brian wanted to take me down Hwy 1 but instead we drove down to a beach that had what looked like a carnival. We didn't go to the carnival but we did stop to take about 2 minutes worth of pictures. You had to pay to park at the beach but after the Metro Link I decided that $6 was a steep price to pay for 2 minutes of quick photography with a cell phone. There wasn't anyone in the guard shack so we drove over the spikes and headed east to Hwy 5. We went from Hwy 5 to Hwy 10 to Hwy 15 then to Interstate 40. I saw property for sale in the San Bernardino area and wished I had the money to buy it. It had nothing on it. It was an endless beach that lacked water but the area was gorgeous--I could live there. We switched drivers in Barstow and I drove straight to Kingman, Arizona where we stayed the night at the Hampton Inn.

My legs hurt so bad that I couldn't sleep. I had set my alarm for 4 am Missouri time so when it went off I was all ready up. I took a shower, packed our bags, and woke Brian up for the third time to get ready to go--he didn't want to get up but we had to get a jump start on the day if he wanted to see the Grand Canyon. The road sign read 200 miles to the Grand Canyon as we hit the interstate at 6 am. We drove all the way to the exit for North 64. It was a 45 minute drive from the Interstate to the edge of the canyon including our stop to fuel at a gas station just before you reach the ranger station. Tip to anyone who wants to go to the canyon fuel before you get that far because they were 20 cents more per gallon compared to the stations on the interstate but we were so excited getting gas was a secondary thought. It was $25 (good for 7 days) to get into the state park then we spent 30 minutes taking as many pictures as we could. I thought I felt so small standing next to the ocean for the first time--standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon I felt like a speck of sand. It was amazing and my only wish I had as I stood there at the edge was that I wanted my children to see this. I could see all the damage the wild fires played but all was forgotten in the view. I was standing possibly in the footsteps of Teddy Roosevelt gazing out for the first time at one of the most amazing views in the world. Granted their was no railing that protected him from falling but even that can't rob you of your first view. I cried when we had to leave because I know I may never see this again. We left the canyon on 64 but decided to take 180 on the backside of Flagstaff to Interstate 40. On 180 I could see more devastation left by the fires. It left the beautiful view marred but still amazing. I saw white bark birch trees seeded into the view of vast pines. It looked like something you would see in a Bob Ross painting--they even grew with a friend next to them. Just past the white birch trees I saw the "Home of the White Buffalo"--closed and for sale. I had seen it online when I researched for my book but it was heartbreaking to know I could never see a white buffalo there. When we reached Flagstaff it was like we drove into a picture book image. The houses all had a cute cozy cottage feel. I wanted to throw away my life in Missouri and settle here. Maybe someday but I'm too poor today to live in Flagstaff. I cried leaving Flagstaff as well.

We made a pit stop in Winslow, Arizona at a Pizza Hut then at the Wal-Mart. I didn't stand on a corner but I wanted to--wait I should say I wanted to because of the country song not to offer services. The scenery looked the same until we crossed into New Mexico. I got the honor to drive into New Mexico. It was okay but when we reached Albuquerque a woman with her cell phone stuck to her ear crossed from an off ramp all the way to the car pool lane without slowing down or caring about anyone in her path. That scared me and I wanted to switch drivers but we were sitting in the center lane and I knew that was not possible. I had drove myself into the mess and I was going to drive myself out. I drove until we reached a small gas station on Route 66 where we fueled and switched drivers. Brian started singing "Amarillo by morning" and I informed him that we would reach it by midnight. We hadn't reached the Texas border when I saw the moon rising. It looked huge--bigger than I've ever seen it in Missouri then I saw something black and slender pass over the face of the moon. It took me by surprise and I watched until I saw it again. It was the propellers of a wind generator. I tried to show Brian but he was too focused on driving to notice. We reached Amarillo at 11:30 pm and we got a room at the Travel Lodge. It was a basic simple room compared to the Hampton Inn but all we planned to do was sleep. I set the alarm for 5 am and actually slept.

The next morning I got up and talked Brian into taking a shower--he smelled bad. I packed our stuff and got ready for the day. We enjoyed our complimentary breakfast and the news on the television was all about the shooting at Fort Hood the day before. I ate a toasted bagel with cream cheese while Brian got himself a bowl of cereal. We hurried and got on the road about 7 am. About an hour into driving Brian started swerving all over the road and it didn't take much to convince him to switch out drivers. I drove through the rest of Texas into Oklahoma but at about 40 miles before reaching Oklahoma City I made him switch me out. He had all ready decided to take the toll road and I told him that would be his bridge to cross.

He drove us on to Vinita, Oklahoma where a life long childhood dream was fulfilled. I got to go into the McDonald's over the interstate. I walked up into the restaurant and stood at the window overlooking the interstate a bit disappointed. It lacked the magic of intrigue that I had set in my mind from childhood. It was just a big stupid building over a road. I guess when you want to see something as a kid it's best to see it when your a kid. I couldn't see the amazement factor of the McDonald's but after the Grand Canyon I guess it lacked to give me the enjoyment I had built up in my mind. I still want to take my children to see it and maybe they are what the experience lacked. The innocent view of the spectacle of the McDonald's over the interstate.

The rest of the trip involved a scary and boring trip back to Kansas City to retrieve Brian's Jeep from the KCI Airport then onward home where we crashed down into our own bed to sleep. I would love to do it all again but with the children in reverse from the house to the Grand Canyon. I want to see the amazement on their faces at the view and the tears that roll down when we have to leave. Life is best experienced with an innocent lens of the world around you--take in the simple things in life you never know if you will ever live to see them again.

Things I Missed Out On Because I Was Born Without a Penis

2009-10-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

I am a strong willed woman who has strong opinions on how women should be treated. Yet, I feel if I had a penis searching for a job would be a hell of a lot easier. I might actually get an interview then a job. I heard a woman on TV say the glass ceiling has been shattered but I feel that any holes made by previous women have been sealed shut and those women are walking around on the glass thumbing their noses at me. This made me think of all the things I missed out on in life because I was born without a penis.

Camping would be easier if I had a penis. No more bearing and sharing in the woods--I could just haul it out and take a leak. Hell guys can even relieve themselves into a bottle if they wish.

I could step onto a car lot and the sales person would automatically come to me because I had a penis which means I am assertive enough to purchase a car. In my relationship I earn all the money but I have to take my husband with me not to make the deal but to get a sales person to talk to me. I love it when they talk the car up big to my husband then to swoop in for the kill I shoot down their offer with my own. The good sales people will ignore the mannequin that is anatomically correct and speak to the woman who can weld and deal despite the lack of penis.

Every time I apply for a job it lists must lift, the ability to sit and stand, and push objects. This says to me: "Sorry, we are looking for an individual that possesses a penis and not a prosthesis that you purchased to feel like a man." I'm not a petite woman with a waist that could snap off like a match stick. I grew up learning to pull my own and according to what I've read and heard on TV I am an average sized woman for the United States. I can hold my own for the most part--I'm not a weakling. If a penis is what they want then it should say so in the ad. Screw the law let's just get frank with each other.

The penis does nothing but relieve the bladder, get erect, and impregnate. Why does possessing one get your foot in the door? Why--because if you have one your mind will not be preoccupied with baby crap. You will be able to walk around thinking of only yourself and not of the alien pod child that feel out of a hole. With a penis you can focus on work and work alone. All other people in your life disappear once you enter your horizontal transporter--AKA the man mobile--and head down the highway to the blissful job obtained from just the fact you have a penis.

I have missed out on pissing my name into the snow, getting higher wages for doing the same job, and being seen as a capable individual because I was born without a penis. The lack of a hideous cylinder shaped flap of skin has ruined my life. I could be earning enough money to support my family but I was born with a vagina instead. I will never submit to a sex change operation so I will continue to struggle on.

The Wreck

2009-10-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

I have exciting news about the wreck besides the fact that Cassidy and me survived.

Brace yourself because you might just throw a rod reading this. It may be best to print this and sit on the toilet to read--that way you don't have to scrape out your under pants.

I paid $4,500 for my van in February and in September it was hit by a feed truck. I'm currently enjoying the rental--brand new Tahoe. The insurance company contacted me to say the van was totaled for $5,300. Most vehicles depreciate over time but mine appreciated by getting hit by a feed truck.

I was figuring on getting only $4,000 or less but now I have to find another car that seats 6 for $5,300. I found the first deal maybe I can pull off finding a second.

Milk Carton

2009-09-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever meet a man that from the way his wife treats him you’re sure you’ll find a picture of his penis on a milk carton?

I’m not talking about a wife who after several children asks her husband to get a vasectomy. I’m talking about the control hungry naggers like my sister-in-law. I swear her husband has not seen his penis since their marriage in 1999. Next to a picture of his would be the plead to call him at work so his wife doesn’t know you found it.

I try not to de-ball my husband even though he chose to get a vasectomy but blames me for it because I’m very fertile—hence four children. All I can say to that is that I didn’t get pregnant on my own and an egg is just an egg until acted upon by sperm—let’s digress from this shall we.

Where were we? Oh yes the men who have been striped of their manhood and to find it they should list it as missing on a milk carton. It’s a sad truth in life that over bearing women push men to the limit and to avoid another fight they would rather slip into submission than deal. In doing this they might as well cut it off and hand it to her and walk away. I’m not saying the role should be reversed but there should be a middle ground that both people should find comfort in standing on.

I personally would like my husband to be a bit more submissive but not to the point I’m holding his manly parts in my hand—gross—tormenting him like his sister does her husband. Remember ladies if you emasculate your husband don’t be surprised when you see a familiar friend on the backside of a milk carton.

Dumb feelings creeping in like ex-lax

2009-09-01T05:42:00.000-07:00

Do humans really need a brain?

Come on you can tell me--I can take the truth.

I guess what I'm saying is though everyone has a brain they rarely use it to do things they need to do. For instance the college I attended charged the students lots of money to build an arena that only seats 10,000 people with the promise of having a special event in it every month--yes I'm referring to you Missouri State University. Now they have realized that big venues want arenas with a larger than 10,000 seats. Didn't they do their homework before they decided to build a massive structure? Their excuse is that they have no promotors. WELL, they educate many students in the aspects of promotions why don't they hire a student or two to work this aspect instead of leaving the 'Q'-ing eye sore empty. A student would work for little cash and may find contacts that they themselves went to school with to help get venues.

This is a kick to the face personally. The students are good enough to pay for the building, pay for an education through the university, but not good enough to put those skills to use. This says a lot about Missouri State University. Were they thinking the 'Q' would make so much money the college could pickier about their clientele? If the university can't see they have a large untapped resource on campus called students maybe they should stop asking the students to pay for projects that were not researched.

A Thought

2009-08-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

If in our life time they find aliens are real I hope the government creates a department to contain Tom Cruise's excitement. Then they will have to create a department to contain my excitement when the mother ship takes him, his wife, and alien pod child away. Even if it means the end of the world I will sit on my front porch with a full pitcher of ice tea watching everything burn screaming--"You and the captain made it all happen Tom Cruise!" I don't even think I would be depressed which will make Tom Cruise happy. Maybe I can talk my neighbor into making long island ice tea and we will be so drunk the end of the world won't be so bad.

I guess everyone talking about the Mayans has got me thinking of how stupid everyone sounds being worried about the end of the world. If it comes it comes--get a life. I don't care if the world ends because it's not like you can stop it once it starts. I wish people worried that much about being fat. I saw a woman the other day with an ass cheek bigger than an average sized person. If it was play dough it would take two people to roll it up into a ball then a sculptor could mold it into a person. Now that's something to worry about. Maybe they should take a page from Tom Cruise and take jumping on a couch bragging--"I tapped that hot young thing"--to stay skinny.

I work at Wal-Mart and I see the fat people riding around on the motorized go carts telling people they are handicapped and they have a right to the cart while the elderly limp around at a snails pace. If the seat is just a quarter of the size of one ass cheek then get up and walk. If they walked more it would aid in the reduction of their body size and maybe they wouldn't be handicapped. I helped an old lady one day when she collapsed to the floor because there were no more carts then a fat chick ran over my foot before I got the lady into the upright position. It was at that moment I wanted to hulk out--after all it would take hulk strength to lift Mrs. Fatty Fat off the cart--throw her to the back side of the building and give the frail old lady the cart. I would be a hero to the elderly and a villain to the obese. It would end up like the movie "The Incredibles" where I would get sued by the fat chick and by the victim she landed on.

I'm not a skinny person but at the same time I'm not obese. Being fat is a bigger problem than the end of the world at this current time. If the Mayans are correct and the world ends in 2012 I will be disappointed that I missed the London Olympics but I can rest assured that everyone else has to live with the same problem. So suck it up butter cup and get over it. Throw down a tea or two, set the lawn chair up on the lawn, take in the view, and pray you aren't the last woman stuck with Tom Cruise because that would be depressing.

If you have to work are you really a Mom?

2009-08-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

I started off being the Mom that took pictures of everything, was always there, and who tried to throw the best birthday parties I could. My husband was never the great provider. We went without a lot of things because he would work long enough to earn money for what he wanted to buy himself then quit. I did odds and ends things for money like cleaning dog pens for a lady and help in my parents dairy. I never made much money but I made enough to buy the things me and the kids needed like shampoo and laundry detergent.

I got tired of watching my children just skim by with the bare necessities while my husband bought things he wanted but really didn't need so I went out and got a job. It was factory work that paid about $150 a week. I paid the bills and bought what the kids needed when they needed it. This encouraged my husband to quit working and stay at home searching internet porn sites while the kids stayed with my sisters. It wasn't long before it was painfully obvious I didn't make enough money. He would purchase crap online and then say things like "It's only $50 a month." He had me so nickeled and dimed that started looking for a second job just to pay for everything. As soon as I got one thing paid off he would get us on a payment plan for something else. I was so broke that I couldn't afford to purchase food for lunch. Most mornings I had to get the kids ready to go to Mom's at the same time I was getting ready for work which left me no time for breakfast then I had no money for lunch. The part that angered me the most was that he had his CDL at the time and could have got a job that paid the bills and then some but chose to live off my measly $150 a week.

The factory closed and I moved on to college and a job at McDonald's. He worked on and off at McDonald's with me but never returned to truck driving. When I got released of my duties at McDonald's for having a baby was about the time he received his disability--he developed a seizure disorder. I had all four children to care for and a husband who at the time I had to watch because a seizure could occur at any time. He still had no clue how to live within his means but after about a year and a half I found a job at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart and their infrequent scheduling system made it hard to plan things ahead. I would request a day off and hope to have the day off. More times than not I didn't so I missed events my children were in at the school, birthday parties, and holidays with family. Wal-Mart expects you to plan your life around them which would make since if it was a high paying executive job but it's freaking retail. Why go to work on Thanksgiving Day for two customers and fried chicken in the break room? Get real!

I became the Mom I never wanted to be and that was the disconnected Mom. I miss everything, no one ever shows me a note, and I get told something needs paid after I paid all the bills and I'm broke. I attended college with all this crap occurring around me with the hope of a better life. All I got was my in-laws telling me how selfish I was for putting work and college before my own children. They even called family services on me for neglect. I'm sorry but their son was at home with the children and had the ability to do laundry and clean house I was taking care of financing. You see a mother who truly loves their children stay home and care for them.

I need a nanny and a maid to keep up with everything. I need help but no one wants to assist. My husband is just lazy but tells everyone the house looks like crap because of me. Yes, because I wasn't there to put his tools up when he used them or throw his clothes in the washer when he stripped them off. I hate him because he's there for the children but yet is not there for them at the same time. Why can't there be a clause in the marriage license that when the man does not operate as a man a woman could just pay court fees to end the marriage? I would have to have $3000 to just get started. $1500 for my lawyer and $1500 for the children to have a lawyer. He isn't worth $3000 to start with.

I need a new model in husband. When your car doesn't work you get a new one--same concept. He did get a job recently at McDonald's in Ava but is threatening to quit--no big surprise. I need to find a career that pays because I desperately need to trade in the husband I got. It won't help with being a better Mom but at least I could use my money on things we need instead of what he wants all the time.

Life's little taboos

2009-08-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of people who have no clue what Buddhism is who start that crap about it being just "idol worshiping." What the hell do you consider Jesus nailed to the cross? I know the answer I would receive is a visual aid of the sacrifice he made for his people. A statue of Buddha is supposed to be a reminder of how to live your life--in peace and harmony.

When my body quit making complete enzymes to break down proteins in meat and the food sat in my stomach until I threw up made me decide to become a vegetarian. I quit throwing up every meal and my stomach thanked me. When it was found I was intolerant to pain meds--found out after surgery--and there was nothing I could take for pain I looked into other forms of pain relief. The one that was affordable was meditation--it was free. It actually worked as long as my children left me alone so I could clear my mind and not hear, "Mom, I need a drink!" "Mom, he's touching me!" "Mom, Dylan hit me!" I had actually looked into becoming Buddhist before this but hadn't really committed to it. In my search for pain relief the meditation came from a Buddhist web site. I started reading it and found out more things that--for me--was appealing. They don't push their religion off on other people. You set examples by living the examples. The morals were the same as Christianity but try to explain this to a Christian in the Bible Belt of America.

I have had a lot of criticism from people because of my decision to become Buddhist but ultimately it is my decision not theirs. One such problem I had was when after three years of being asked by a woman at work to come to her church I told her I had chosen to become Buddhist. She was appalled by this and commenced to preach to me every day we worked together. She quoted Bible scripture, repeated what her preacher preached on that Sunday, and reminded me that only Christians will make it to heaven. I ignored her every single day while she carried on. I hoped she would tire of her ignored efforts but after six months I found myself tired of ignoring her and quoted Matthew 7:1--"Do not judge, or you too will be judged." I thought it would shut her up but it only angered her more. I found myself in the office with my manager and her being told to keep my religion to myself or I would be fired. I told her I understood and I went back to work. The worker then started telling everyone she won a victory for the Lord and everyone rallied to congratulate her. I was irritated but then at election time I ended up in the office again because she was mad at me for voting for Obama--I was told to keep my political views to myself as well.

I'm not saying everyone should run out and become Buddhist I just wish they would educate themselves before they open their mouths. I have found inner peace in Buddhism and I wish to be respected just like anyone else. Love for your fellow man should be universal without the stigma of denominational affiliation. If I saw a Catholic in need of help I would not pass him by because of his religion I would do what I could to assist without pushing him to convert to my beliefs. Assistance should never come with strings attached it should be freely given like a breathe of air--free.

What is my book about?

2009-08-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

My book is about man's desire to take something of beauty and transform it into a capitalistic endeavor. I'm not saying 'down to capitalism' just keep in mind what happens to a thing of beauty when it goes from being available to all to being available to few. The book also picks up the view of social class. No matter how I set up the fantasy world there will always be issues of social class. Capitalism and social class go hand and hand. If you lack capital you will be of a lower social class than one who has more capital.

I use the concept of a world within worlds. The world I created has a main portal gate that aids to in traveling from world to the next. It is the only link between worlds but for the world I created the link between locations occurs in a room that is off the main portal gate called the 'hub.' The hub is a circular room with thirty-six doors all the way around. The floor of the hub has a mosaic tile compass that helps direct the user to the desired door. The hub is not a room that can be accessed by all--only 37 people have keys with 36 portal gates that are imbedded into mirrors found at set locations. Why 36 doors? I read once that a circle can be divided into 6 even pieces. So, 6x6=36. This sounds like a simple thought but consider at the time I came up with this there was only 20 cultural groups I have come up with. I spent 4 weeks coming up with 16 more.

The title I have chosen for my book is: The Chronicles of the King: All the King's Men. The title came about from the knowledge that a king is nothing without the men around him--or you could say the company he keeps. A king can have to power to rule the world but if he has no one to enforce his rule he really rules nothing.

The transition from a magical world governed by those who inhabit the world to an Oligarchy where the world is viewed through capital gains is harold by a holocaust of those who are viewed as being in the way of progress. The most historically famous holocaust was the one endured by the Jewish people but the holocausts in the USA involved the Indians and the view that they were in the way of progress. I reviewed many forms of mass genocide from all over the world focusing on the survivors tale and the main facts of the event. So many of them happened in my life time that it bothered me I could only remember a few. I guess it is true that if a reality doesn't occur close to home it is hard to relate.

I did leave room for many love stories, coming-of-age story lines, and light hearted moments that make you laugh. Its hard to take the whole concept and reduce it to a few words that describes the book as a whole but for the sake of getting it published I have to resist telling the whole tale and strip it down to the bare bones concept.

Laura's Memories

2009-08-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

When my son Dylan decided to try out for the play "Laura's Memories" I was so proud of him. He practiced the song he would sing for auditions for about two months. The night he tried out I was sick and missed auditions but from my perch at the toilet's edge--I didn't miss there. I felt bad in more ways than one. He was certain he got a place as a farmer boy. Susan Peak--a friend who's daughter had been in the play before--said that they always give a part to anyone who tries out. I hoped that was true because I didn't want him to get his feelings hurt. When Brian got the email he read it quickly and told Dylan he was a farmer boy but he would play the lemonade man. He was so excited--he got the role he wanted.

Unfortunately I took summer classes at Missouri State University and his practices were on the same nights as my class. I looked forward to the first practice that fell after my last class. I wanted to see how things were going because up until then I was just getting updates from Susan. When I saw him on the actual Ozark Mountain Player's stage I wanted to cry. He had done the one thing in life I always wanted to do but never got my nerve and that's to act. When Dwayne--President of Ozark Mountain Players--said he needed help I knew that was were I should start. I discovered they had a web site that has been under construction for a while but no facebook page. I asked the group if I could set one up for them and of course they said yes. I was so excited I stayed up until one in the morning getting it done. The next practice I volunteered to help with the lighting. That was fun since it had been three years since I had laid eyes on a control board.

On opening night I screwed up two times but everyone was kind and didn't say anything. My oldest son Zachary helped in the concession stand. When it was all said and done Dylan asked if he could try apples and onions--since he sings about them. He let everyone try a bite because he knew one bite and they would love them as much as he did.

Next year all the children want to try out which is perfectly fine with me. They're like their father--photogenic.

Random Thoughts

2009-08-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

You see a lot of ads for bottled water but why no ads to just freaking turn on your tap, stick a cup under, fill to a desired amount, drink and enjoy. The bottles that the water comes in is made of petroleum which makes a demand pushing up the price of petroleum per barrel. Yes, water is healthy but the bottle is not healthy for the environment. I see people everyday liter the earth with there so called bottle of health. Tap water may not taste good but it pollutes loads less land than bottle water.

Occasionally I do enjoy a cup of coffee. Mostly when I need a cup to wake. Yes, I do like a little coffee with my sugar. Coffee is a bit bitter plain and my half cup of sugar makes it an excellent blend of flavor with the sugary goodness of sugar. I have in desperation used brown sugar when I was out of granulated sugar. It was much sweeter than had planned but still delightful.

I was born poor to poor parents and no matter how much I earn the cost of living increases and I never rise over the threshold of poverty. I don't own a lot but what I have I have worked hard for. I don't desire a new car for the simple fact I could not afford the tax, title, licensing fees, or the increase in insurance. I'm better off with my clunker that gets me from point A to Point B--barely but I get there. My life is not flashy. I feel comfortable in jeans and a tee shirt than a dress. Burn all high heels and give me a comfortable pair of sneakers. Thus I will live until I die but I want to experience the world before that--not likely but if my wishes could carry this is what I want to do.

My love for the actor Orlando Bloom actually started from a quest to get even with my husband for his naked pictures of Drew Berrymore. I'm not jealous I just wished he desired to look at me that way. I thought long and hard on which actor I would choose before picking one. Brad Pitt grew up in the area 60 miles from my house--blah over liked. Johnny Depp was good looking and played in a lot movies I like but everyone likes him. Johnny did have a co actor in a film I enjoyed a lot who was in another trilogy I also enjoyed and was in Troy, Elizabeth Town, Blackhawk Down, The Calcium Kid, Kingdom of Heaven, and Haven. I researched on him and found he had more than just a pretty face. He champions the cause of environmental awareness, he practiced Buddhism just like me, and is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in. That to me was worth more than having a naked picture on my computer. He was someone to respect instead.

Stupid-Just Plain Stupid

2009-07-31T19:32:00.000-07:00

My dreams of becoming a published author seem to have died when the contract was resent to me a second time under a different name. On the brighter side had I signed the contract they wouldn't have sent me a second one with a different name for me to google and find that I was about to be scammed.

I will try again but this time I will just purchase the book that lists all the creditable agencies and query again. If only my pay check could clone itself so I can afford such a pricy endeavor. None the less I have to ensure my brainchild lives to see the glory of publication.

The WL Writers Agency was the eventual name I was given which is on the "Writers Beware" site. I was given the WB Agency first and they sent me picture from a book convention where all the banners around them said AEG.

My advice is to keep googling always be googling.

Three Days

2009-07-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a moment in their life that no one may remember but you. I have a memory of the time I was about 9 or ten years old and for three days I was an adult.

I remember coming home from school to find my mother sound asleep on the pull out bed. It was unusual to find her asleep. Alicia approached me first to say that she was hungry and had not been fed all day. I asked mom if she wanted me to fix dinner but she just yelled, "Go away!" I was much to young to understand truly what was wrong. I cooked dinner--corn, pork and beans, and mac & cheese. I fixed everyone a plate including mom and dad (he typically didn't come home until late because he was too busy wasting his money on crap we never needed). I waited for dad to come home to tell him something was wrong with mom. She didn't eat but kept asking for water. I kept getting her cup after cup of water. He showed up about midnight, threw a fit that dinner was crap, then when I told him there was something wrong with mom he asked her, "Some thing wrong with you?" She answered back, "No!" He yelled that I should be in bed instead of up waiting on him. I went to bed but I didn't sleep.

He woke up early for work and left before the sun. I got up and got dressed for school but mom was still in bed. Erickia and Colleen got dressed as well and we waited for the time to get on the bus. Alicia looked at me and asked, "If you go to school who will feed me?" I stood thinking a moment when mom asked for another cup of water. I got her a cup of water but unlike the day before she lacked the ability to set up. I had to help her up so she could get a drink. It was very clear that Alicia and Amanda who have to fend for themselves if I went to school. I sent Erickia and Colleen out to get on the bus and I stayed home. I knew I needed clothes to wear and Alicia and Amanda needed clothes so I hauled a load out to the well house where the washer was to wash them. I loaded the soap (it was powder) like mom showed me and let it agitate a bit before placing the clothes in. I was all most done loading when Alicia came running into the well house to tell me mom fell down. I raced into the house to see mom on the floor unable to pull her legs underneath herself. I tried to help her but she slapped me hard in the face screaming, "Leave me alone!" Mom acted like she was blind--she felt her way around but never seemed to look directly at things. I kept bringing her cups of water as she called. When the laundry was done I put it in a basket and took Alicia and Amanda outside to hang it on the line. They would hand me the clothes and I would pin it up on the line. We went back inside to get another load when we walk in to see mom yet again lying in the floor. She was having trouble getting her head up off the floor but this time she managed to get up on her knees. I tried to help her up but she slapped me so hard I fell into the foot of the pull out couch. She asked me where I was because she needed another cup of water. I got her another cup and helped her back into bed when we made the discovery that she had pooped herself. Alicia found a roll of toilet paper to get a majority of what was in the bed then I took a wash cloth and cleaned her up. I found her another pair of underwear then me and Alicia striped down the bed. It was a bit difficult to get the sheet pulled from under her but we managed. We got her another blanket then hauled out the bedding to make a second load. I got her cup after cup of water until Erickia and Colleen got home from school then I made it their job. I cooked dinner and waited yet another night for dad to come home. The last time I remember on the clock before I fell asleep was 1:32 am.

I remember hearing the car start. I raced out of bed to try to catch dad before he left but he never stopped. I feed them all breakfast, got them ready for school, and started my day taking care of mom. She was up to her third cup of the morning when I heard a knock at the door. We all got quiet and I carefully crept to the door and answered it just to get surprised by Papa (Mom's Dad). I started crying and told him that there was something wrong with mom. He came in and sat down beside her on the bed. He tried to talk to her but she kept sleeping. Alicia told him that she kept falling down. Papa thought she just needed sleep. Him and Granny didn't stay long but they left us with a sack of apples. Mom was bundled up in the blanket but kept complaining she was hot. I got a fan and set it up beside her and turned it on. She seemed to be comfortable but then all the power in the house went off. Mom had showed me what to do when this happened. You just simply lifted a lever in the electrical box outside. I went out to the box and discovered I was too short to reach it. I could see a milk crate inside dad's shop so I went to grab it only to be greeted by the six foot black snake that called the shop home. I screamed and cried and went to tell mom but when I got in the house Alicia was crying and holding the side of her head. Mom had asked for water and when Alicia went to get the glass mom hit her. I told her it would be okay then I got Mom a cup of water. She complained she was getting hot again so I had to think fast. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a chair then took it outside to the box. I stood up tall enough to reach it. The box was hard to open so I pulled hard. No one ever said it had a wasp nest in it. I was a bit freaked out but I grabbed the lever and pulled down. I went in the house to find no lights on so I went outside and pushed it up. Sparks flew out of the box catching the grass on fire and my shirt. I slapped my shirt to put it out then noticed the drying patches of grass lighting up. I moved the chair--didn't want it to burn up--then raced to the well house to get the hose. The hose was a tangled up mess. I pulled it outside then turned the water on to find the end. Once found I grabbed it and took off running. Midway I hit a snag--a tangle developed and I was jerked to the ground. I still had laundry on the line and the grass that was on fire was not to far away. I worked with the tangle until I freed enough hose to reach the fire. I put it out then shut off the water leaving the hose out on the ground. When I came back into the house mom had fallen onto Amanda's play pen bending the side. Amanda took the opportunity to escape while I helped mom back up. She had messed herself again so I got her back into bed and cleaned her up. Erickia and Colleen came home in the middle of it. I decided to heat up the pizzas that were in the freezer when my Aunt Debbie showed up. Her kids were hungry so I heated an extra pizza to feed them. Mom was asleep when dad showed up (I was amazed he came home). Everyone went outside since it was hot in the house. I tried to tell dad about mom but he told me to shut up when adults were talking. I guess mom heard us outside and she managed to wonder out into the yard in her tee shirt and underwear. Dad called her name a couple of times but she didn't answer. He managed to catch her when she collapsed. He looked at me and asked how long had she been like this way and I told him a few days. He yells, "A few days why didn't you tell me!" I tried to say I tried but he kept yelling so I stayed quiet. He loaded her into the car and we left with Aunt Debbie.

She was in a diabetic coma and they didn't know if she would wake up. The sad part was I tried to get someone to listen to me but who would ever listen to a child? For three days I had to be an adult when the other adult in the house wouldn't listen. Mom never remembered those three days and none of my siblings ever spoke of what happened. I remember I guess that's what counts.

An Ode To Coffee

2009-07-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

Dearest coffee full of a caffeine fix

Thou hast been a true friend

You helped me pull many an all niter

Without questioning my devotion to your mix

Columbia hath sent us procrastinators gold

An addiction for which there is no cure

One pot, Two pots, Thrice go down

Smooth and warm least we frown

The jitters beckon for one more pot

To settle thine nerves with thy legal drug

This is proof to my brain

That I'm nothing without you

Dearest coffee full of a caffeine fix

Thou hast been a great true friend

A memory of childhood

2009-07-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

Let me say to start I was never a good sister.

I have so many memories of childhood. Some not so good but many that make me smile with a Grinch-who-stole-Christmas smile.

I have four younger siblings--Erickia, Colleen, Alicia, and Amanda. Here is my simple introduction: Erickia was a conniving sadistic sicko that took pride in the suffering of others. Colleen was the silent killer with blue sparkling eyes and a winning smile until you piss her off--she could kill you, bury you on the back forty, and pretend nothing ever happened. Alicia was a girl of action--quick to the fists of fury. Amanda was legally blond--I mean blind--okay she was an even mix of both.

My fondest memory was the day Erickia climbed way high in the mulberry tree to scale out on its thin limbs to eat the berries at the top of the tree. Mom told us before we went out to play that if we climbed the tree again she would paddle our bottoms. My mom was not a woman who mouthed empty threats--she was a woman of action. Me and Colleen (Alicia was a baby at that time) watched Erickia break mom's one rule of playing outside. Erickia bragged from the top of the tree that she ate more mulberries than we did but me and Colleen chose to ignore her taking the mulberries closer to the ground. We could hear the sound of limbs breaking with Erickia tumbling down from her lofty heights. Me and Colleen stepped back--we didn't want her to fall on us--when out of shear dumb luck her foot got caught in the fork of a tree with another limb holding her steady to form a triangle.

Erickia called out for us to help her but I couldn't push her up high enough to free her foot. Colleen wrapped her arms around her--keep in mind Erickia is in the head down position--and raised her feet off the ground trying to help pull her free. We stood starring at her with our arms crossed puzzled on what to do. Erickia kept screaming, "Don't tell Mom--go get me help!" This was even more puzzling since the only person who could help was mom. So I tried to clarify the situation. "We could go get you help but we will have to tell mom." Erickia responded, "Yes, get me help but don't tell mom!" I scratched my head, "The mail man comes about noon and it's only nine o'clock by that time all the blood will rush to your head--and--and your head will explode!" Erickia cries with her bottom lip quivering, "Don't let me die! Don't tell mom! Get me some help!" I looked at Colleen who was less than amused with the situation. Colleen rolled her eyes and scoffed, "Go get mom before the retard kills herself."

I sighed and calmly walked into the house to mom. She looks at me and I tell her very calmly with no excitement in my voice, "Erickia needs help. She's stuck in the tree." Mom pushes past me rushing out the door then stood for a moment in amazement just as me and Colleen had earlier. "How did this happen?" Mom questions looking at me and Colleen. Without missing a beat Colleen says, "She fell from the top of the tree." Mom approached the situation calmly but had the same problems I did--the one limb had her foot locked in place. Mom pulled and pushed with no luck then she started looking around the side of the house for something. Erickia cried and Colleen gave her confidence, "Yep, if mom can't get you down you'll have to live here." Erickia cried and mom comforts her, "Oh, your head will explode long before you have to worry about living in a tree." I laughed but mom told me to shut up. Mom found the two-by-four in the weeds that Colleen threatened to crease Erickia's head with the day before and handed it to me. "Are we going to beat her out of the tree?" I asked confused. "No--I want you to push up on the tree limb while I pull her foot free." Colleen shook her head and replied, "This isn't going to work she'll have to live here forever." Mom tells Colleen to shut up but Colleen just shrugs her shoulders. Mom got Erickia's upper half onto her chest which raised her foot up through the triangle. I pushed upward on the limb that crossed the fork in the tree and within seconds her foot was free. Mom was happy she was free then broke herself off a switch and spanked her for climbing the tree in the first place.

Believe it or not Erickia hates when I tell this story.

I think its delightful and ends with a great moral--Obey mom or suffer thy wrath.

This has been a glimpse into my childhood--remember this is only a glimpse.