with Impulsive Addict and Seriously Shawn.

• After a week of battling with the home warranty people over our broken AC, having an HVAC tech come out only to tell me it was the breaker, not the AC, we finally got an electrician to come out. He turned out to be a total hottie, and I was secretly glad that I had the wherewithal to wear a halfway decent outfit and put my hair into a ponytail instead of its usual hot mess. I don’t get out much, so don’t you judge me as IA would say! We also got our AC fixed and I’m no longer sweltering!
• Double Date Night this past Saturday with my long time friend (we’ve went through school K-12, literally growing up together) Mrs. Makeup (she sells Mary Kay and does permanent makeup for a living). We only live a few hours from each other, and Sacramento is a nice halfway spot for us.
• She’s the one with the adorable little girl who I cuddled with for most of our 10 year reunion. It was so nice getting out of the house and visiting with her and her fiance, and their little girl Cuddlebug. Makeup has been so supportive this past month. She’s always available for chats and I’m so grateful for her long term friendship. We don’t see each other that often, but it’s always as if no time has passed. When we got to dinner, she gave me a sweet magnet about angels, and this garden stone. Isn’t it perfect?

• We went to the Capitol Building in Sacramento after dinner. I had no idea the grounds were so beautiful.

• When we were ready to say goodbye, Cuddlebug wouldn’t stop hugging us. She kept giving me little pats on the back. I was in danger of bawling my eyes out.

• When she reached for Match, I nearly lost it. Look at how she cuddled him. I swear she knew we needed some baby cuddles.

•  I warned Mrs. Makeup that I just might take her home with us if she wasn’t careful. She cried when we left, and I cried a little too. I can’t wait to see them again!
• On the ride home Match just squeezed my hand and said, “someday”.
• Sunday I received a lot of sweet messages about Mother’s Day, and I thought about Roo many times. Match made sure I had a fun day. We bbq’d, went for a nice walk, and cuddled on the couch.
• I’ve started working out again. I have to admit, it feels damn good having strength and energy again. I’m loving the endorphin kick too.

What have you been up to lately?

]]> http://dategirldiaries.com/2012/05/14/ttut-what-ive-been-up-to/feed/ 4 http://dategirldiaries.com/2012/05/11/doctor-visit-and-hope/ http://dategirldiaries.com/2012/05/11/doctor-visit-and-hope/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 16:41:13 +0000 Date Girl http://dategirldiaries.com/?p=7012

I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… it kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife… she’s already there. She’s a mother… without a baby. -Chandler, Friends

I think this will be my last sad post, at least for awhile. I’m ready to move forward and feel better. I know I will have my relapses, like when I go on facebook and Neighbor Girl and my cousin’s girlfriend have adorable pictures up of their belly bumps, and mine should be up there right along side theirs. But overall I just want to be happy. The doctor’s visit on Monday was really hard, but it also helped us both in moving forward.

I was nervous about the visit because it was of course a huge reminder of loss. The last time I was there had been so happy. When I checked in with reception she asked me how many weeks I was. I choked back tears as I told her we’d lost the baby. She felt so bad, and it turns out some jackwagon had booked my appointment as a prenatal. Seriously?

Then when I saw the nurse she asked me for my 2nd trimester paperwork. I wanted to scream, do I look 20 weeks pregnant to you?! But instead I whispered that I didn’t think I needed it, since I’d already delivered. That’s when she looked up and really saw me, instead of just another patient. She handed me tissue and squeezed my hand. After she left the exam room to get Match I just broke down sobbing. He came in and held me. I just couldn’t believe it was still so tough, and that my emotions were so raw. I eventually shook it off and the doctor came in.

She was wonderful, and so compassionate. She went over their findings, and unfortunately didn’t have any answers as to why this happened. She did pull some strings and got us in to see the high risk doctor that same day. He reassured me about my fears for my next pregnancy, starting with him not believing that my cervix was the root cause. I was so worried about a future pregnancy being stitched up and on full bedrest for most of the 9 months. He said he thought it was likely that the placenta had a tear or never properly attached fully, and it just was too small to be detected on the ultrasounds.

He said next time he would be following me closely, doing ultrasounds every two weeks, plus progesterone shots and probably not bedrest. He thought blood thinners might also help with placental attachment. I felt reassured, and I felt heard. It was a really good feeling. He recommended a few follow up tests which I will be getting, including a hysteroscopy. They’ll be looking at my uterus in detail to see if they can find anything that might have caused problems. I’m just glad they’re doing everything in their power to prevent this from happening again. I don’t think I have the strength to go through that twice.

We left the office feeling better about the future. We both know that next time is going to be full of worry and anxiety, but there will also be hope. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that we were meant to raise a child, hopefully more than one, whether it’s a baby we make, or one that we adopt and make our own. We are both filled with so much love and can’t wait to share that with a little person someday.

[Crabs from the beach ask the Rangers for help finding their missing shells]
Gadget: I’m sure that if we can find their missing shells they’d be much less crabby. I mean, still crabs, but not so crab-like. Well, wait! Still crab-like, since they are crabs, after all…
Monty: Gadget luv, drop it. -Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers

The rest of our trip in Oregon was spent outside.

 I ran into an old friend I grew up with, and her daughter. Her daughter was the first child I’ve interacted with since Roo passed. I thought it would be hard but it wasn’t. It was so good to be around kids again. I love her little pigtails and her impish grin.

My friend and I had a nice visit over coffee. She’s a nurse and she gets how hard this was for us to go through. We went for a walk in old town, where we ran into another classmate, whose daughter has leukemia. Talk about putting life into perspective. She gave me a huge hug and told me that everything happens for a reason, even if we have no clue what that could possibly be.

After our visit I headed back to the docks where I watched Match catch some crabs, and yes I giggled when I wrote that. We had a feast when we got home! I wish we lived closer to where we could go crabbing on a regular basis. The food is yummy and it’s exciting to pull them up.

I said I would mention something about my mother and our visit. It was just hard being around each other this time. I think it was because we were both grieving, and also because she isn’t sure how to respond to it all. She wanted to fix me, but I’m not broken. I’m sad, but I’m not wallowing. We just do better on the phone, where we can talk, and I can roll my eyes when she drives me crazy.

If there’s a crisis you don’t freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you’ve seen worse. You’ve survived worse. And you know we’ll survive too. You say you’re dark and twisty. It’s not a flaw. It’s a strength. It makes you who you are. -Derek, Grey’s Anatomy

Match and I headed up to the Oregon coast to see my family last week. We wanted to get out of town and clear our heads, and also see my parents. I think mostly we just wanted to escape. We broke the trip up into two days, with Match fishing along the way. I enjoyed taking pictures of him, sight seeing with Monkey, and re-reading Catching Fire.

Doesn’t Match look so cute in his waders? I think they’re adorable.

Monkey and I walked across the famous sundial bridge in Redding while Match fished in the river below.

We spent the night in a hotel in Mt. Shasta, and then spent the next day fishing some more before arriving in town that night.

Once we crossed the border into Oregon we saw the manbulance and I couldn’t help but crack up.

My mom and I cautiously tiptoed around each other, not quite sure how to be. I think she was expecting me to fall to pieces; I was determined to stay strong. It was not an easy visit for either of us. More on that later.

The first day Match and I went to the beach. It was a hard day for both of us. I think we both couldn’t stop focusing on who wasn’t there with us. Neither of us expected our next trip up to Oregon to be without Roo.

We did do two things specifically for Roo on the trip. The first was planting a tree in Roo’s honor-a gift from Geeky and her husband. We planted it at my parents house, so she will always have a special place at Gamma and Popa’s house.

The second was to for me to explain the amazing gift that my sweet friends gave us for Roo, and to present the grandparents with their scrolls with Roo’s star coordinates.

The grandparents all loved the star, and were blown away by the thoughtfulness of my friends. Match’s mom then surprised me with a gift as well. It is a lotus flower necklace that symbolizes rebirth, fertility, and rising up from the darkness within. It was so thoughtful and I love it.

But the theme of our trip wasn’t on dwelling, but on moving forward. We can’t live in the past, or be stuck in that dark and twisted place, crying over what we’ve lost, and what will never be. All we can do is count every single amazing blessing that we have and be so so grateful for that.

People that know me and Match know we're a frugal couple. We don't mind spending money on some of the finer things in life, but we're very picky about where we spend our dollars. So stores like the Dollar General make our frugal hearts happy. They carry some off brands, but also well known name brands for 90% less than other stores. My favorite thing to shop for is their wrapping paper and decoration section. I can always find something I can use, or make into something great that looks a lot more expensive than what I actually paid for. 

Now that there is a Dollar General in California I'm sure to keep within our budget and build our savings up even more. The store I lovr to frequent is in #1215 3015 West Capital Avenue West Sacramento, CA 95691. I love exploring the store for inexpensive treasures. There are all sorts of fun crafts that can be made from the random items they sell. I've connected with Dollar General Facebook and signed up for alerts to even more savings. There are even some Dollar General stores that have grocery shopping. With the price of groceries always increasing, I can definitely appreciate their low prices. 

One thing I love about shopping at the Dollar General is that they support literacy. Obviously I'm a big fan of reading (if you didn't read you wouldn't be on this blog right?) so companies that support literacy are a hit with me. If you haven't checked them out, I think they are worth a second look. You'll be amazed at the great finds you can score there.