I remember when I first attempted internet flirting advice in the real world. I high-fived girls I met, called them silly names, and even got some kisses.

I thought I was the man. I had girls laughing with ease. I could actually see their initial attraction and interest in me. I’d finally gotten a grasp on flirting…or so I thought.

I kept facing dead ends. I’d meet girls, trade numbers, and not hear a response. Or I’d get replies but could never seal an in-person date. Or I’d go on a date that I believed went perfectly only to not get another chance.

How could this be? I was lighthearted and fun like most advice instructed. I used humor to create an enjoyable atmosphere. I playfully flirted with the girls which I believed would lead to us hooking up. I did everything right except…

I didn’t show enough intention.

While I thought I was being a potential sexual partner, I was actually more like a gay best friend.

Understanding Friendly vs Sexual Flirting

For the sake of simplicity, I want to break flirting into two types: friendly and sexual. The difference between them is the underlying message they convey — intention.

Friendly flirting is safe. The deeper message is, “This is innocent fun!” It’s how many men flirt with girls they desire.

This is a great way to break the ice and create some initial tension. But while effective for the first moments of meeting or early on a date, it won’t take you much further.

Sexual flirting is risky. The deeper message is, “This is fun and I am sexually interested in you.” It’s hard to mistake as a friendly gesture. This is how men should be flirting with girls they desire.

Some examples of these are…

• High-fives (friendly) vs holding her hand and playing with her fingers (sexual)
• “You can’t eye me like that!” vs “If you keep eyeing me like that I won’t be able to restrain myself.”

Although sexual flirting requires more courage, it’s the only path that consistently works.

Why Friendly Flirting Doesn’t Work in the Long Run

I’ve discussed many times that attraction is an emotional response. It’s a feeling. And something has to trigger that sexual feeling in her. She has to get turned on and think about sex (or the potential of sex) with you, even subconsciously.

The problem is that the majority of women won’t get to that headspace unless you bring it there. Society has taught women that they are supposed to be courted. They’re not supposed to take the romantic lead. If they do, they’re deemed as sluts or easy. They’re afraid of being negatively judged.

So if you’re playfully joking and not showing your sexual desires (intention), she’s going reciprocate the same. If you’re touching her in the way her friends would, that’s how she’s going to touch you back. If you kiss her but don’t push further, it’s unlikely she’s going to push it towards sex.

Treat her like a potential sexual partner and she will see you as a potential sexual partner.

4 Ways to Show More Intention When Flirting

As a rule of thumb, you should show more intention the longer you spend with a girl. So if you hug her at the beginning of a date, you should go for a kiss before the end. See my When to Make the Moves On Her article for more details on escalation.

Below I have categorized the four main ways to increase the amount of intention you display. The examples in each section show less intention (left side) versus more intention (right side).

Physical Contact

Physical contact is by far the strongest way to display your intentions to a woman.

Location – Where are you touching her? Places friends touch such as the shoulder, arm, or elbow are less intimate (low intention). The back, hips, stomach, and legs are more intimate (medium intention). Erogenous zones like the lips, neck, inner thighs, and butt are the most intimate (high intention). Start low and progressively take it further.

• Walking arm-in-arm vs walking hand-in-hand
• Hand on her shoulder vs hand on her back while ordering drinks
• Sitting together with little to no touching vs sitting together with legs resting against each other
• A goodnight kiss on the cheek vs a goodnight kiss on the lips

Duration – How long are you touching her? Short touches (under a couple seconds) like a quick hand on the upper arm show the least intention. Longer touches (3-8 seconds) like a hand on the back while moving through a crowd. Lingering touches (more than 10 seconds) like resting your hand on her thigh while talking show a LOT of intention.

• Friendly short handshake (2 seconds) vs slightly longer than normal handshake (3-4 seconds)
• A brief kiss vs kissing her passionately for a few seconds
• Accidentally brushing your foot against hers under the table and stopping vs accidentally brushing feet and then playing footsie

Non-Verbal Communication

Vocal Tonality -  A dominant chest voice shows more intention than a submissive head voice. A weak voice shows timidness and a lack of self-assurance.

Eye Contact - How much eye contact are you giving her? Where are you looking? The more consistent the eye contact, the more intention you show.

• Breaking eye contact frequently vs holding strong eye contact during conversation
• Meeting eyes from afar and breaking eye contact first vs holding eye contact (while smiling) until she looks away
• Normal eye contact vs looking at her seductively while biting your lip

Proximity and Positioning – How physically close are you to her? Take a look at this personal space chart. As you decrease the distance between you, the level of intention and intimacy goes up.

• Facing her at an angle vs facing her head on
• Sitting across from her at a table vs sitting next to her
• Dancing apart from her vs dancing with your bodies together

Verbal Communication

Sexual Undertones – Do your conversations have romantic implications or are they platonic? Are some of your questions sexual? Is your teasing playful or bold?

• “Do you consider yourself a romantic?” vs “Do you consider yourself a sexual person?”
• “You’re such a nerd!” vs “You’re such a nerd! Did I mention how I find intelligence irresistible ”
• “Aww, are you trying to make me smile?” vs “You’re so trying to seduce me — it’s working.”

Statements of Interest - Are you giving any compliments that are more forward in nature? Are you outright conveying your interest in something about her?

• “Wow, you’re very independent.” vs “Wow, I love how independent you are.”
• “It’s really cool that you’re so passionate about traveling.” vs “Your passion for adventure is ridiculously sexy.”
• “I like the color of your dress.“ vs “I have to be honest, your curves look unbelievable in that dress.”

Logistics

Leading – Are you suggesting hanging out? Are you making plans with her? Are you moving with her to different places while together?

• Not asking for a number vs asking for a number
• Asking for a number to setup plans over text vs making plans and getting the number as a means of communication
• Texting for hours or days for fun vs texting to setup a concrete in-person date
• Talking to her for the entire time at the bar around her friends vs inviting her to grab a drink/fresh air/seat in a more quiet place

Location and Atmosphere – Are you spending time with her one-on-one or with many people? Are you in a public place or a secluded location? Are you in an atmosphere that encourages more intimacy?

• Casual day time coffee dates vs night time drink dates
• Inviting her on a first or second date with your friends vs inviting her to hang out with only you
• Having a second or third date in a public place vs having the date at your/her place
• Saying goodnight after a great time together vs asking if she still wants to chill at your/her place

The purpose of all these examples is to convey one thing and one thing only….

“I want you as a sexual partner and not as just a friend.”

Women are attracted to men with honest intentions. It takes confidence to display who you are and what you want unashamedly. It shows you’re a leader who prioritizes yourself in life.

They know why you’re there. They know that if you’re investing time in them, you’re more than likely interested in them sexually. Playing it “safe” isn’t fooling anyone — it just makes you seem scared or disingenuous.

So next time you’re out flirting with a girl remember this…

Getting her to think, “wow, he’s funny!” is a good start. Getting her to think, “wow, he’s hot and turning me on!” is where you want to be.

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Check out the new packages on my services page!

About 10 years ago, the concept of a dating coach hit the mainstream. These dating coaches were specifically meant to help people create social lifestyles, gain confidence, and find consistent success in their romantic endeavors.

Sadly, the barrier of entry was low and the potential return on investment was high. You didn’t need credibility or a PhD, you just needed an audience willing to listen. The industry attracted a lot of less-than-stellar characters and the reputation of a dating coach was quickly tarnished.

Now when people hear the phrase “dating coach” they instantly think “sleazy car salesman”. And it’s because so many have been turned off by exaggerated claims, spammy pop-ups, and misogynistic preachings.

I discovered this profession by accident. I came in from the other side as a guy looking to put my own life back together. I was lucky enough to experience rapid improvements although I had to comb through a lot of awful advice in the process. I soon realized how much of what I read was unhelpful, unhealthy, and unsound.

Friends took notice of the changes I made and came to me for help. They wanted to know what I knew. I began teaching people close to me everything I had learned. As I saw my friends having the same life-changing experiences, their happiness fueled my desire to do this for a living. I’d found my passion.

So why do I consider myself a different kind of dating coach?

Because I made a promise from the beginning that my priority was to leave a positive, lasting impact on people. I rooted my philosophy in honesty, respect for both genders, and the promotion of healthy values. 

And while I run a business that keeps me afloat, I refuse to let it challenge my integrity. I always try to be upfront regardless of whether or not it will make a sale.

To rebuild trust for my profession, I’d like share some dating truths that I’m not afraid to tell you (and that you probably won’t hear anywhere else).

You can’t attract every woman

Sorry guys, those “Get EVERY woman you meet!” programs aren’t even close to realistic. Companies don’t want to say straight out “Get rejected by some women so you can be welcomed by others!” But I understand why they stretch the truth — it’s because a lot of men won’t even attempt to meet women after facing that reality.

I can’t sugarcoat it though. Women have different personalities, tastes, and preferences and you won’t match all of them. If there was some guy who could attract every woman he met, I would quit teaching and study under his ethereal wisdom. But it will never happen.

The great thing is that there are more women than you could ever handle that will be head over heels into you. Yes, you will face rejection in the process, but every time you’ll get stronger. Each woman who isn’t interested saves you time, weeds out incompatibility, builds resilience, and brings you closer to finding women who you will make substantial connections with.

Embrace rejection for it leads to success.

You’ll never completely eliminate your approach anxiety

After five years and thousands of interactions with women, I still get butterflies sometimes. I still feel that heart racing, hands shaking, stomach in knots visceral response. And I’ve come to love it.

Fear is a normal emotion that we all encounter. Running from it doesn’t make it go away, it only makes it more powerful. As Carl Jung said, “What you resist, persists.” Instead, your goal should be to accept the fear as a normal part of life and understand how to manage it.

One of the best ways to do that is to work through the fear by introducing yourself to women even though you’re terrified. This generates reference experiences that prove to your subconscious “I can do this. I’ve done it before, and it didn’t kill me. Even when it went awkwardly or not how I hoped, I still came out fine. And I’m so damn happy I did it.”

With each subsequent approach, you will gain better control over your anxiety. You still may feel it, but it will get to a point where it won’t limit you anymore. Get out there and start being scared!

There is no exact formula to dating success

As much as people would like you to believe that women are math equations, they’re not. There is no specific line, routine, or step-by-step-process to attract women. Unfortunately, one-size-fits-all solutions sell to desperate minds.

What does work are concepts. Focus on the bigger picture and stop obsessing over every detail. Principles like meeting new people regularly, having good body language, being assertive, creating physical contact, and consistently escalating will massively increase your chances. I’ve watched hundreds of guys with different levels and combinations of these see great results.

That said..

This is not an overnight process

Anyone who promises otherwise is lying. You’re trying to overcome anxieties, build new skills, and internalize a high level of self-worth. It requires introspection, dedication, and effort on your part – there are no shortcuts. But, the investment pays off immeasurably for the rest of your life.

Which is why…

Coaching bootcamps are not a good value for your money

Will you get some benefit out of paying for a crash course weekend in dating? Sure. Would it be worth $3000? Definitely not.

Becoming socially confident and creating romantic connections with women are skills that require time to develop. Compare them to learning a new language or how to cook. I could teach you the basics of culinary arts in a weekend. But to hone your knife technique, understand complex flavor profiles, and come up with incredible dishes on-the-fly, it will take much longer than two days.

Then why do so many companies offer these programs? Because it makes a ridiculous amount of money in a short time with minimal investment from the coach. 

Against the advice of multiple business friends, I can’t bring myself to offer a bootcamp. If you took that $3000 and spread it over a couple months, it would be infinitely more beneficial. You would have time to form good habits, retain knowledge, and get consistent feedback.

Think about the tests you crammed for. How quickly after you took those exams did you forget most of the material?

You shouldn’t believe everything you read

Most importantly, don’t compare yourself to what you read, either.

There are thousands of online posts from dating coaches sharing their encounters with girls. These stories showcase the coaches’ godlike abilities to attract gorgeous women. They contain perfectly witty dialogue and convey unbelievable sexual escapades.

While some are definitely true, many are embellished or downright false. Even the tales that are grounded in reality exclude “negative” details like awkward pauses, generic conversation, and moments where they stumble.

The coaches are also just posting their highlight reel — you don’t know how much practice and how many rejections it took to get to that point. It’s an unfair, unrealistic comparison to judge yourself against them.

Instead, measure your success against yourself. Are you pushing your comfort zone regularly? Are you hitting your goals, even if they’re small? Are you seeing improvements in your dating life, no matter how tiny? As long as you’re constantly moving forward and challenging yourself, be proud. Stop looking at the finish line and just worry about hitting the next mile.

Getting laid won’t make you happy

The dating industry pushes sex as the ultimate fix to all problems because sex sells. Guys become obsessed with this belief. I’ve had countless men tell me, “I just need to find a girlfriend. I just need to get this one girl. I just need to learn how to date hot women. Then I’ll finally be happy.”

Trying to fill an internal void with only external validation never works. I think sex is healthy and important — but it’s not a cure for low self-esteem or depression. And in fact, it can make men feel worse when they realize it didn’t solve their issues the way they had hoped.

Invest in yourself constantly. Get healthier. Discover passions that you love to develop a lifestyle that makes you fulfilled. Expand your social circle and meet women as a side effect of your awesome world.

As cheesy as it is, you have to become happy with who you are with or without a girl. Hitting it off with beautiful women is just icing on the cake.

What’s the point of me writing all this? Am I trying to feel good about tearing other people down? Am I trying to convince you that I’m the best dating coach there is?

No. All I want to do is elevate the industry and this profession to new heights. I want transparency and trust to be at the core of what we do. I want people to value us as compassionate, knowledgeable advisors rather than pushy, cold businessmen.

And it’s because I love what I do. I love that I help men improve their quality of life and connect with amazing women. Everyday I’m moved by the people who reach out to share how I’ve influenced their happiness. It’s a rewarding career that I wouldn’t change for anything.

I’m sorry everyone, this study does not actually exist — yet. But my goal is to explain how it could be done and to examine the lasting impact it could make.

Spending last week in Vegas made me think about how much money some people have. Everything there is absurdly over-the-top. From the lavish buildings at each corner to people dropping thousands on a table without hesitation — the amount of wealth is staggering.

Which got me wondering…

What kind of social experiments could I perform if I was super rich?

I believe that most men who complain about their lack of dating success could be transformed with one action — meeting more women. It’s a matter of taking more chances and increasing opportunities.

I’m not saying it’s easy – I wouldn’t have a business if it were. Nor am I saying it would fix every guy’s anxiety issues or unhealthy relationship habits. But, it would guarantee experience in dating beautiful girls.

Unfortunately, these same guys argue against approaching women. There’s always an excuse or external factor. “I’m not good-looking enough, I’m not tall enough, I’m not douchebag enough, girls will think I’m creepy, etc.” Much of this stems from their fear of rejection or failure.

What if I could compensate men to bypass those fears? And therefore disprove their limiting beliefs?

I’d conduct a research study to confirm that the vast majority of single or “lonely” men AS IS could land dates with many women they find attractive. It would shatter their perception of what’s possible in their romantic lives.

The Million Dollar Dating Experiment

Goal: You have exactly one year to get on as many dates as possible with women you find physically attractive.

Rewards: For every one-on-one date you have, you will earn $25,000. If you can go on 10 dates within the year, you will receive a total sum of $1,000,000.

Rules: Follow these four guidelines to maximize your chances of getting dates.

1. Directly introduce yourself to every attractive woman you see during your day. This can be while running errands, shopping, or attending local events. “Excuse me, I know this is random, but I saw you standing here and had to come introduce myself. I’m (name).”
2. Smile and maintain strong eye contact at all times.
3. Within 5 minutes maximum, suggest hanging out and go for her number. For example, “Sadly, I’ve got to get going. We should grab coffee/ drink/whatever.” and pull out your phone.
4. Text her within 24 hours. After a few messages back and forth, make specific plans and confirm a date. “Drinks at Pour House, Thursday at 8?”

My hypothesis is that the overwhelming majority of men would land a few dates, if not hit the 10-date mark. The exceptions would likely be:

• Those who don’t try because the incentive wasn’t enough to overpower their fear.
• Extreme cases. That would include men who are excessively unhealthy or unclean. For them, their primary goal should be to get healthy and achieve a baseline lifestyle.

That estimate comes from concrete evidence through nearly six years of coaching men. Every person I’ve worked with who has put effort into approaching women regularly has turned their dating life around.

That isn’t limited to one type of guy, either. I’ve seen it with every size, race, and personality. It’s not a coincidence.

My hope is that the experiment would help men everywhere realize how capable they really are. They would understand that they were the only obstacle standing in the way of success. It wasn’t their looks, status, or anything inherently wrong with them. It was all in their head.

By meeting more women, guys would build confidence in themselves. They’d make meaningful connections and recognize the options they had in front of them. They’d also understand that some women just won’t be interested — but many will be. And all it took was some tangible motivation.

Now what if we took away the financial incentive altogether? What if I told you that instead your only incentives would be a happier and more fulfilling lifestyle, the ability to meet captivating women, and having control over your dating life?

Would it still be worth it to you? I think so.

In the meantime…any wealthy entrepreneurs want to help fund this?

Nine years and it’s almost here! I’m talking about the May 24th release of the fiyolm Before Midnight. It’s the third installment of one of the greatest romance stories of all time.

But what makes these movies so great? Unlike many sappy, unrealistic portrayals of dating, they’re movies that you can actually relate to and gain insight from.

Ethan Hawke (Jesse) sees Julie Deply (Céline) on a train to Vienna. He strikes up a casual conversation that turns into an incredible connection spanning over one day together. There’s no action, no special effects, no crazy antics — just them walking and talking in various locations. The dialogue and acting are so well done that you forget you’re even watching a movie.

A recurring issue I hear from guys is that they don’t know how to have dates that go somewhere. The connection never gets more intimate and they can’t seem to break the sexual barrier. There’s a scene from the first film, Before Sunrise, where Ethan Hawke is an amazing case study for overcoming these hurdles.

The scene starts with them on a bus. Right away, Jesse sits next to Céline instead of across from her. He positions himself close which instantly creates an romantic dynamic and allows for easy physical contact. He doesn’t hide his intentions by sitting opposite her.

He rests back in the seat and looks damn comfortable. He drapes his arm around her seat which again creates closeness between them. He holds strong eye contact. Then he rolls into…

Jesse: Alright, I got an idea. Are you ready?

Céline: Okay.

Jesse: Alright, it’s Q&A time. We’ve known each other a little while now, we’re stuck together, so we’re going to ask each other a few uh, direct questions. Alright?

Céline: So, we ask each other questions.

Jesse: And you have to answer one hundred percent honestly.

Céline: Of course.

Jesse: Okay, alright, first question.

Céline: You.

Jesse: (Speaks in a German accent, or what Americans would consider “Freudian.”) Describe for me. (Back to regular accent.) Yes, I’m going to ask you. (Freudian accent again.) Describe for me your first sexual feelings towards a person.

Céline: (Laughs.) My first sexual feelings, oh my God. Um, I know, I know. Jean-Marc Fleury. (Laughs.)

This is how Jesse first breaks the sexual barrier. While I wouldn’t advise doing this out of no where on a first date, we can apply his actions in a more natural way.

Most dates begin with some basic questions. The idea is that as the interaction progresses, your questions should get subsequently more personal.

Initially, you may be talking about surface level questions like common interests, career, hobbies, etc. You then branch into more personal topics such as passions, fears, and embarrassing moments. Once you’re in that stage, you can begin mixing in sexual questions like…

“Who was your first crush?”

“When was your first kiss?”

“What do you find most attractive in a man?”

“Do you consider yourself a sexual person?”

You can even set it up like Jesse did where you blatantly say something like, “I want to get to know each other better. Let’s ask some real questions.”

If she answers a sexual question, the mood of the date changes from then on. She’s now talking and thinking about sex with you, which places you as a potential romantic partner.

Watch the rest of the scene here or below until they get off the bus (5:30 mark) and then continue reading.

Jesse: Jean-Marc Fleury?

Céline: I remember we were at this summer camp together. And he was a swimmer.

Jesse: Um-hmm…

Céline: Yeah, he had bleached out chlorine hair and green eyes. And to improve his times, he’d shave the hair off his legs and arms.

Jesse: That’s disgusting.

Jesse playfully throws in his disgust for her old crush which indicates he’s interested in being her new crush.

Céline: Oh, no. He was like this gorgeous dolphin. And my friend Emma had a big, big crush on him. So one day I was cutting, you know across the field, back to my room, and he came walking up beside me. You know, and I told him, you know, you should date Emma, she has a big crush on you. And he turned to me and said, (Making her voice a bit lower.) ‘Well, that’s too bad, ’cause I have a big crush on you.‘ (Jesse lets his jaw drop.)

He shows genuine interest in her story and is animated with his responses. She is encouraged to continue on and express her sexuality without judgment.

Céline: Yeah, it really scared the hell out of me, because I thought he was so fine. And then he officially asked me out on a date, and you know I pretended I didn’t like him. You know I was, I was so afraid of what I might do, you know. Uh, well. So, you know, I went to see him swim a few times, at the swim competition. And he was so sexy, really, I mean, really sexy. You know we kind of wrote these little declarations of love to each other at the end of the summer, and you know, promised we would keep writing forever, and I, you know, meet again very soon, and…

While she’s talking, Jesse goes to brush Céline’s hair off her face but gets nervous and stops. Still, he understands the importance of physical contact and wants to touch her. If he followed through, he could have easily moved her hair while listening and it would have felt completely normal.

Jesse: Did you?

Céline: Of course not.

Jesse: Well, then I think this is the opportune time to tell you that I happen to be a fantastic swimmer.

Céline: Really? (Laughing)

Jesse: Yeah.

Céline: I’ll make note of that.

After she opens up about her sexual past, he reframes that sexual energy towards him. He jokes that he is a fantastic swimmer which again conveys that he is not trying to be her friend. She lightheartedly challenges him with “really” and he doesn’t back down or say he was kidding. He restates “yeah” without hesitation and then proceeds to the next topic.

Jesse: Okay. Uh..

Céline: So its my turn, no?

Jesse: Yes, yeah, it’s your turn.

Céline: Uh, have you ever been in love?

Jesse: Yes. Next question. What was the fir–

Céline: Wait, wait.

Jesse: What?

Céline: Wait a minute.

Jesse: What?

Céline: So I can give one word answers?

Jesse: Sure, why not?

Céline: No, no. After I went into such private details about my first sexual feelings.

Jesse: Yeah, I, I know, but, sexual feel…Those are two very different questions. I mean, I could’ve answered the sexual feelings thing, no problem, but you know, love. Well, what if I asked you about love?

Jesse is uncomfortable answering about love. But instead of blowing her off completely, he shows vulnerability by admitting it’s a tough subject for him to talk about.

Céline: I would have lied, but at least, you know, I would have made up a great story.

Jesse: (While Céline is finishing her line, above.) Yeah, well, you would have lied. Great. I mean, love is a complex issue. You know, I mean, it‘s like, uh. I mean, yes, I have told somebody that I love them before, and I have meant it. Was it totally a totally unselfish, giving love? Was it a beautiful thing? Not really, you know. It‘s like love, I mean, uh, I don’t know. You know?

Céline: Yeah, I know what you mean.

He flirts with her by teasing and shows he’s unafraid to speak his mind. He then digs deeper and tells her personal details about his past relationships. This helps her trust him and builds a powerful connection.

Jesse: But as far as sexual feelings go, I’ll have you know it started with an obsessive relationship with Miss July 1978. Do you know Playboy magazine?

Céline: Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of it.

Jesse: Yeah? Do you know Crystal?

Céline: No…(Laughing.)

Jesse: You don’t know Crystal? Well, I knew Crystal. Well…(Laughing.) Is it, um…my turn now. Okay. Tell me something that really pisses you off, really drives you crazy.

He doesn’t dwell on the heavy, serious topic (never a good idea for a first date) and instead brings it back to a sexual frame. He lets her know that he is a sexual being and expresses it in a humorous way. He then pushes forward with another personal question that generates a strong emotional response. If you notice while he’s asking, he moves in much closer to her, making the situation even more intimate.

Céline: Pisses me off? My God! Everything pisses me off.

Jesse: Okay, okay, list a couple.

Céline: Uh, okay. I hate being told by a strange man, a strange man in the street, you know, like, to smile, like, to make them feel better about their boring life, um, what else? I hate, I hate that three hundred kilometers from here there’s a war going on, you know, people are dying, and nobody knows what to do about it, or they don’t give a shit, I don’t know. I hate that the media, you know, they are trying to control our minds.

Jesse: The media?

Céline: Yeah, the media. You know it‘s very subtle, but you know, it‘s a new form of fascism. (Jesse takes that in.) Um, I hate, I hate when I am in foreign countries, especially in America, they are the worst. Each time I wear black, or like, lose my temper, or say anything about anything, they always go ‘oh, it‘s so french, it‘s so cute.’ (She mimics vomiting.) I hate that. I can’t stand that, really.

Jesse: Is that all?

Céline: Well, there’s a lot of things, really. So it‘s my turn.

Jesse: Okay.

Céline: You’re going to answer.

Jesse: Yes, I’ll answer.

Now that she trusts him more, she gets passionate about her dislikes. She exposes herself and her true feelings. He listens intently and lets her keep investing in him. When she stops talking he’s willing to push further but recognizes that she is hesitant and doesn’t keep prying.

Céline: Ah, what’s a problem for you?

Jesse: You, probably.

Céline: What? (Laughing)

He responds playfully that she will be a handful for him. He’s being bold and implying that they are going to keep seeing each other. This gets her laughing and fuels the sexual connection.

Jesse: Um, no, alright, I had a thought the other day that was kind of a–qualifies as a problem.

Céline: What is it?

Jesse: Well, it was a thought I had on the train, so…um…okay, alright. Um, do you believe in reincarnation?

Céline: Yeah, yeah, its interesting.

Jesse: Most people, you know, a lot of people talk about the past lives, and things like that, you know, and even if they don’t believe in it in some specific way, you know, people have some kind of notion of an eternal soul, right?

Céline: Yeah.

Jesse: Okay. Well, this is my thought. Fifty thousand years ago, there are not even a million people on the planet. Ten thousand years ago, there’s like two million people on the planet. Now, there’s between five and six billion people on the planet, right? Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from?

Are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls?. Because if they are, that represents a five thousand-to-one split of each soul in just the last fifty thousand years, which is like a blip in the earth’s time. You know, so, at best, we’re like these tiny fractions of people, you know, walking… I mean, is that why we’re all so scattered? You know, is that why we’re all so specialized?

After joking, he shares a meaningful thought he had. He starts with an engaging question “Do you believe in reincarnation?” and then segues into this spiritual rant. It’s quirky and offbeat, but he’s not holding back who he is. This kind of unrestrained honesty takes courage and is attractive to women.

Céline: Wait a minute, I’m not sure I…I don’t….

Jesse: Hang on, I know, I know, its a totally scattered thought, which is kind of why it makes sense.

Céline: Yeah… (unsure, but laughing.) I agree with you.

And here his rant didn’t necessarily land well. Does he apologize or act ashamed? No, he owns his wild idea. He stands by his word and she respects him for that.

Jesse: Let’s get off this damn tram. (They exit.)

Here he leads her to their next destination. He doesn’t timidly ask her, he makes a direct statement. He invites her to come along with confidence and she follows with excitement.

So to summarize:

How does Jesse move the connection forward, both emotionally and sexually? What does he do right? He…

• Asks provocative questions that elicit emotional responses. This gets her to share personal details and invest more in him than if he had asked a simple question. It also gets her thinking about sex while with him.
• Is vulnerable with her about sensitive subjects. This builds trust and forges a unique bond.
• Positions himself close to her early on. This shows his intentions and generates sexual tension by proximity.
• Leads and takes her to different environments. He doesn’t just stick to the classic dinner date — he moves with her to places that have a fun atmosphere and encourage physical contact. This includes a record store, a carnival, a bar where they play pinball, and a night walk through the city. He’s spontaneous and it makes for an unforgettable experience.
• Displays confident body language. He looks relaxed and takes his time to respond. When he gets passionate, he is expressive and animated.
• Demonstrates himself as a potential sexual partner through teasing, encouraging her sexuality, and embracing his own.

If you’re going out on “dates” and you’re not creating any sexual chemistry, you might as well be watching The Price is Right with your grandma. You’re interested in her, so don’t treat her like just a friend!

My final Ethan Hawke first date takeaway is that you don’t have to be perfect.

Jesse has jokes that fall flat. He stumbles and experiences awkward moments. He even chickens out of kissing Céline the first time. But in the end, he knows that he has to consistently try and escalate the connection. That’s why he still goes for the kiss later and succeeds.

On Monday, I sat in the audience of a packed auditorium listening to the brilliant words of Dr. Brene Brown. For those who don’t know her, she’s a social researcher who became widely known from her famous TED talk on vulnerability, shame, and building real confidence.

In this article, I want to examine her findings on shame and apply it to the struggles men face in their dating lives.

Understanding the difference between shame and guilt

During the talk, Brene hit an interesting point on the difference between shame and guilt. Her research has shown that shame is one of the most powerful, destructive emotions that everyone experiences (unless you lack empathy).

Simply put, the difference between shame and guilt is…

Shame is judgment on yourself and your worth as a person. Guilt is judgment on your behavior and the actions you take. Telling yourself:

“I can’t believe I did that, I’m a complete idiot” is shame.

“I can’t believe I did that, it was a dumb decision” is guilt.

When you filter your mistakes through shame, you internalize that you are a bad human being. You are belittling your self-worth. You believe you’re a failure as a person.

When you filter your mistakes through guilt, you internalize that you simply made a wrong choice. You are upset with your actions but not yourself as a whole. You believe the failure was temporary and can be adjusted and learned from next time.

Shame is never a useful tool. Her research shows that it leads to depression, aggression, resentment, addiction, violence, and even suicide.

Guilt, on the other hand, leads to the exact opposite with a less likelihood of all the above. It is an uncomfortable yet important emotion into understanding that our slip-ups are human and failure helps us grow.

Recognizing how shame manifests

Men experience shame much differently than women. After working with hundreds of guys, I agree with Brene that the root of most male shame is:

Don’t be weak. If you are weak in any way, you have failed.

In dealing with men trying to connect with women, shame reveals itself in various ways. Here are some situations that make guys feel inferior and their resulting negative thoughts:

• Being too afraid to approach women that you’re interested in. You incorrectly believe this fear makes you pathetic.
• Getting friend zoned by not being physical or expressing your sexual intentions. You must be missing some sexual appeal that turns women off to you.
• Having little or no sexual experiences. Obviously, if you haven’t had sex with 10 girls yet then you are not a man.
• Getting rejected or turned down by a girl you approached. You’re not be good enough to date attractive new women.
• Texting a number you got and receiving no reply. You must be a creep and women only give you their numbers out of pity.
• Being dumped by a girl you’re seeing. If she left you, there must be something permanently wrong with you. No other girl will ever want you.

The truth is that these situations do not reflect your value as a person. Everyone has experienced them in some way or another. Your worth should only be dictated by how you perceive yourself. The subsequent false beliefs are just manifestations of shame.

Dealing with shame in unhealthy ways

As a reference, let’s use the idea of approaching a girl only to have her turn you down. This could be her saying she has a boyfriend, expressing that she’s not interested, or turning her back to talk to her friends. This can be painful and deters men from meeting more women.

Once men feel ashamed of themselves, they usually take one of two routes:

1. Shutting down: This can be closing yourself off to people. Avoiding putting yourself out there again. Being apathetic and acting like you didn’t care about what happened when you actually did. Making excuses, getting defensive, or blaming external circumstances. Turning to outside substances to make yourself feel better.

   “Whatever, not like I gave a shit anyway. I wasn’t even really trying to talk to her, I was just bored. This is why I don’t waste my time trying to meet new girls.”

2. Anger: This can go both ways: towards yourself or towards others. That includes self-loathing and beating yourself up. Harboring resentment and frustration with women. Blowing up or showing aggression to the people closest to you. Being cynical. Victimizing yourself and believing the world is against you. And even physical violence.

   “Wow, I’m such a loser. What girl would ever like me? I’ll never find someone so I might as well give up.” or “Stupid bitch, what the hell does she know? She seems like a stuck up snob anyway. All women just want jerks who treat them like crap or that have money. They don’t go for good guys like me so I’m going to start being an asshole, too.”

These paths have one thing in common: you’re not being vulnerable. You are protecting yourself and your ego. Therefore, you are preventing yourself from growth. It’s a vicious cycle that reinforces shame and shreds your self-esteem.

But there is a better way…

Dealing with shame in healthy ways

The right way to manage shame is by being vulnerable in the moment. It‘s opening your mind and your heart to face this terrifying emotion. Follow these four steps to conquer shame:

1. Analyze and Use Self-Observation: Understand where those negative beliefs stem from. Examine their validity. Deconstruct why you still carry them and how they are hurting you.

   “Having a women reject me makes me feel abandoned. My mother didn’t show me much attention and I think it reminds me of the lack of connection I felt from her. I also had an ex-girlfriend who I loved that dumped me and I’m afraid women all women will cheat or leave.

   I understand that I’m holding onto my past and projecting. I’m being unfair and generalizing. I’m not giving other women an honest chance because of my own fears and preconceived notions. And all it’s doing is limiting my options.”

2. Accept and Forgive: Understand that everyone has these feelings – they’re temporary and normal. Remind yourself that it’s okay to be afraid and it doesn’t make you any less of a man. Praise yourself if you took any sort of action regardless of outcome.

   “This made me feel awful. I put myself on the line and got rejected. But, I know that almost everyone has been in this position before and I am not alone. Just because she was not interested, doesn’t mean I’m unworthy or that other people won’t like me. I’m proud that despite all my fears, I challenged myself to approach a girl. That took a lot of courage.”

3. Empathize: Try to see other points of view and where they could be coming from. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume that everyone will be the same because of one person’s actions. Relate how you’ve been in similar situations yourself. When you see everything as “you vs. them”, you detach yourself from people and stop yourself from making connections.

   “She might not have been interested and there could be many reasons why. Maybe she had a bad day, maybe she was nervous herself, maybe she does have a boyfriend, maybe she felt unattractive, or maybe she just wasn’t into me. Whatever it is, that’s okay and she or other women aren’t bitches if they reject me. I’m not interested in every woman I meet so I can’t expect the same from them, it’s not possible.”

4. Reflect and Take Action: Can I learn anything from this? What could I have done better? Sometimes though, there is no answer and you have to realize that much of your success is out of your control. You then come up with a plan of action for next time based on your reflections.

   “I realize that I was anxious and didn’t hold eye contact. I have to remember next time to maintain my gaze even when my body tries to fight me. I’m going to keep approaching girls and focus on practicing strong eye contact until it feels natural.”

   “I felt like I went in really strong. I was smiling, relaxed, and expressive. She was smiling back but said she had a boyfriend — there’s a good possibility she was telling the truth. I’m going to keep approaching girls and continue being forward with my intentions.”

Repetition builds habit. Every time you feel ashamed, you have to be conscious of how you react to that emotion.

Are you going to get down on yourself, others, and take it personally? Are you going to let shame hold you back from getting what you want? Or are you going to face it with vulnerability, understanding, and view it as a learning experience? Only the latter leads to confidence.

If you valued these insights, I highly recommend you check out Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly.

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Want to see more books that have helped me? Check out my resources page.

Relationships, even casual ones, shouldn’t be thought of as a “game” to be won. You should be forging a real connection between two human beings.

I’ve watched too many men stumble onto dating or self-improvement advice and see it as a temporary solution. They think “Oh cool, I’m going to learn some tricks and techniques to get a woman.” They read some tips, apply them in the real world, and find a girl they like.

Then they think, “Victory! I did it. She’s hooking up with me, my work is done.” They mistake their previous insights as a quick means to land a girl and not to become a better man. They stop trying so hard, they stop challenging themselves, and they stop growing. They get lazy — especially as time goes on.

Then it hits. The girl they felt was so into them suddenly walks away. They feel blindsided and devastated. What they don’t understand is that…

If you want to keep a quality woman, you have to become a quality man. And you have to do it for yourself, because you want to. There’s no other way around it.

Relationships require consistent effort, dedication, and self-love. That means you should:

• Lead, make decisions, and be assertive with what you want and need.
• Build your self-esteem and invest in making yourself happy.
• Maintain an engaging social life as well as a social life together. That includes seeing your friends, her friends, and other couples. You should meet new people and be a sociable person (yes, even you fellow introverts).
• Be healthy and stay in good shape.
• Walk with confidence and speak with conviction.
• Become a strong communicator and speak your mind openly. Express your feelings in healthy, constructive ways.
• Dress well and still have occasions where you both can dress up together.
• Flirt and touch often. You should turn her on and have passionate sexual moments regularly. Also, explore one another’s sexuality and give her mind-blowing orgasms.
• Create variety and don’t fall into the same routine every day. You can’t ignore her and play video games every minute of your spare time. Come up with new adventures to experience with her: go dancing, travel somewhere new (even cheap and local), ski, hit up a festival, or cook together.
• Overcome your nice guy tendencies like being jealous, controlling, clingy, needy, and desperate.
• Move up in your career and pursue your passions.

And so much more. The reality is….

You can’t fake being a confident, attractive man — at least not for long. Your true self is always being revealed and it’s only a matter of time before women see it.

Your personal development doesn’t end once you get the girl, it only just begins. Get a head start and make the commitment now.

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Looking for a game plan to meet more women? Have a free coaching consultation with me.

Why do fathers teach their sons to be men while mothers teach their daughters to be wives?

I know I’m generalizing but it’s often true. As men, we have all these insightful laws passed down to us on how to be confident, successful, and our very best. But how many women are instructed from day one to nurture their self-esteem, be independent, and strive for healthy relationships?

I’m grateful for all the female readers who have reached out requesting the same kind of substantial advice I provide for men. So here are four necessary values that I wish more women were taught.

Stop attributing your entire worth to your looks

I understand that the world has told you beauty is everything. Every advertisement, every magazine, and every movie has said it. Even your parents may have had good intentions but their constant reinforcement has left you feeling never enough.

To deny our focus on female beauty in society would be foolish. But chasing an unattainable standard of beauty will leave you miserable. You have to understand that:

• Everybody has something they want to change about themselves. You’re not alone, it’s human nature. Even the most “gorgeous” people on the planet feel this way. Ask anyone who’s worked with models and they’ll tell you they’re some of the most insecure people about their appearance.
• Your looks will inevitably change with age. The way you look right now is temporary. This seems terrifying to hear but everyone’s in the same position. You shouldn’t compare yourself to other women, older or younger — because they are changing, too.
• Your perception of beauty is seriously warped. Almost every professional photo is doctored. Celebrities have teams of stylists that spend hours and thousands of dollars to make them appear flawless. And even porn stars don’t look like porn stars. You can’t expect to match a manufactured reality.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Cliché but absolutely true. There’s no person that everyone finds attractive. I’m not attracted to many traditionally “hot” celebrities although I find a lot of “cute” girls in the real world much more appealing. There are plenty of men who will be interested in you. Your goal is to go out and find them.

Yes, physical attractiveness affects the way people perceive you. But attractiveness is so damn relative and can be increased immensely with a few changes.

The key is to make the best of what you have to offer, but to do it for yourself. Focus on being in good health, find clothes that you love but that also flatter you, develop appealing body language, and look inviting (hold eye contact and smile!). That alone will do wonders for how people see you. Also, follow my 10 rules to get more men approaching you.

That isn’t special advice for women, it applies to men as well. Making those improvements is less about the physical adjustments and more about the message it conveys. You are saying, “I care about myself and put effort into who I am.” We are naturally attracted to people who value themselves.

You have much more to offer than your body and basing your self-esteem on it is destructive. Your kindness, compassion, sense of humor, intellect, motivation, confidence, courage, and personal values are things no one can take away from you. Those are qualities that a real man will care about in a successful relationship.

The guys who are solely obsessed with a woman’s looks are usually shallow and not long-term partners. While looking your best is important, it’s only a fraction of who you are.

Set standards for yourself and stand up to mistreatment

Most of us enter a relationship with the hope of creating something meaningful and long-lasting. Usually when women are out of their 20s, they want a great man to build a life with. So why do so many settle for less?

I’m not only talking about the stereotypical overly aggressive man-child. I’m talking about “nice guys” who are manipulative and controlling. Men who cheat and lie repeatedly. Men who are closed off and never communicate. Men who put you down or disrespect you. And especially, any kind of abuser – emotional or physical.

Think long-term: you might be with this person for the rest of your life. You have to deal with them and their demons on a daily basis. If you want children, their future values and personalities will be negatively shaped by this person – both by how he treats you and them. That damage is often irreversible.

Don’t fool yourself, a substandard man won’t change and you can’t make him do so, either. He will make the same mistakes over and over. And I’m sorry, but he doesn’t mistreat you “out of love”. His apologies and material gifts are empty gestures. No man who loves you will repeatedly disrespect you.   

You’re smart enough to know the risks of abusive partners. Get out of a bad relationship early on because the longer you wait, the more invested and trapped you’ll feel. If your mother, best friend, or daughter were in your situation, what would you tell them to do?

“But what if he’s the best guy I’ve found so far? What if I never find someone else like him?”

Then take charge of your dating life and meet more quality men. You can find guys who are assertive, confident, and unbelievable in bed that aren’t douchebags. Here’s how…

You have the power to approach men                 

Let go of the fantasy that a shining knight will come sweep you off your feet. If it happens, that’s great, but you can’t rely on that as a healthy strategy. It’s 2013 and women who put themselves out there are discovering amazing relationships.

If you’re looking for a high-caliber man, you’re going to have a difficult time waiting for guys to approach. Particularly at bars, the guys who do say hi are more than likely not who you’re looking for. (But I’m trying to change that!)

You are seriously limiting your choices by not starting conversations with men everywhere. Being the one who approaches does not make you any less valuable. In fact, it gives you the ability to weed out men that don’t meet your standards. You won’t feel pressured to settle because you have plenty of options at your disposal.

Your approach can be much more subtle and casual than a man’s. You can ask a simple question like, “Have you tried the hazelnut latte?” or “What’s your opinion on these shoes?” You’re almost always going to get a polite response and if he’s even remotely interested, he will keep the conversation going.

You’re never going to get rejected like you imagine in your head. If he’s not interested, the worst you’ll get is a genuine smile and a brief answer. Men don’t harshly reject women.

Start meeting men on your own terms. Cut out the jerks and the ones who aren’t your type. Focus on finding someone that you can create a mutually beneficial, growing relationship with.

Accept that your sexual desires are normal and healthy

Slut-shaming is more prevalent than ever and it disturbs me. Sexual desires are part of our primal needs. To go against that is to go against our biology. But it amazes me that it’s not just from men, but from other women, too.

People slut shame for many reasons – religion, ignorance, insecurity, jealousy, and feeling threatened by sexual women. Some men claim that a woman’s promiscuity makes her less valuable. Yet when asked if they would love to have tons of sex with beautiful girls, they wouldn’t think twice. It’s a screwed-up double standard.

A woman embracing her sexuality is only “negative” if it comes from an unhealthy place. By that I mean having sex because you…

• Feel pressured by outside sources like friends or media.
• Feel like it’s something you’re supposed to do rather than want to do.
• Think it will fill an emotional void and make you happier.
• Fear that if you don’t give yourself up right away the guy will leave you.
• Primarily use sex as a way to feel attractive and validated.

But if you’re having sex because you genuinely want to, are comfortable sharing an incredible experience with the other person, or are just looking to have some fun — more power to you. Be smart about it and obviously use protection (wow I feel old).

Once you’re an adult, no one can tell you if you’re ready for sex except you. Don’t stick to some arbitrary “5 date rule” your friends told you. Don’t hold out for sex as a way to get him to commit. And don’t rush into anything you’re not ready for. For some people that might be a first date, while others it may take longer.

Never feel guilty for wanting something so natural.

Good friends are family.

They aren’t just buddies we have a fun time with but people we treat like our own blood. They can be profound connections that are forged for a lifetime.

I remember sitting in the car with my girlfriend and a close friend when he opened up to us. “Listen, you know how much I care about my mom and brother. They have the best intentions but sometimes they don’t truly understand me. But you both do. And I want you to know that you’re my family, too.”

It was one of the most honest and meaningful statements someone had ever said to me.

The other day I was excited to see a “How to Be a Good Friend” article appear in my feed. Reading through it was severely disappointing for a topic so important. When I searched for similar articles on Google, I was amazed to see how many contained idealistic advice that lacked any substance.

Here’s my list of ground rules that I follow to be a good friend.

1. Don’t be a fair-weather friend. You have to maintain your own life and set boundaries for your time. However, being there only when it’s beneficial or convenient for you is selfish. Friendship should be a mutually valuable connection.

   This especially applies when starting a new relationship. Don’t forget about your friends or let your partner dictate who you’re allowed to see. Even though you have less free time, keep in touch and make plans when you can. How can you expect the friends you ignore to welcome you with open arms if the relationship ends?

2. Never pressure or guilt them into something they don’t want to do. And don’t allow it to happen to you, either. Everyone has to take responsibility for their actions, but we’re easily influenced by our close friends.

   Back in the day, some friends thought it was funny to push our already drunk buddy to take a huge dose of shrooms. He then had an intense mental breakdown, sobbed for hours, got caught by his father, and was taken to the hospital. Moral of the story: recognize when a friend is being pushed too far and respect their wishes.

3. Be happy for their success, even if it’s something you wanted. Don’t be another crab in the bucket. I see this especially when dealing with self-improvement and confidence with women. Men get jealous that they aren’t pushing themselves and try to deter others from excelling. Support your friends in all their productive endeavors. Don’t let your own insecurities prevent you from being fair and supportive.
4. Don’t talk about them behind their back. If you have a problem with a specific person, speak to them directly. You have no right to complain if you haven’t addressed the issue with the right party. Also, when you speak behind someone’s back, the listener is usually wondering what you say behind their back. Which leads me to…
5. Don’t fault them for what they don’t know. Give your friend a chance to resolve the issue or share their side. They may not even realize they’re doing something wrong until you explain it to them.
6. Listen intently. That means much more than hearing the literal words coming out of their mouth. Care deeply, be genuinely interested, and empathize with their emotions. Most of all, listen without judgment.
7. Be a source of positivity. It’s perfectly okay to express when you’re feeling down. But always being cynical, whiny, and negative is taxing to those around you. Your endless drama will eventually lose its impact and become a burden. We’re attracted to friends that enhance our quality of life.
8. Give them space when necessary. Just like in dating, nobody wants to deal with a clingy person. If they can’t spend time with you, don’t hound them about it. If they never make time to see or even speak to you, then they’re not as great a friend as you think.
9. Communicate honestly. Let them know when they’re crossing your boundaries. Be a voice of reason when they’re acting irrationally. When asked for an opinion, give them a constructive yet candid response.

   Don’t just tell them what they want to hear, tell them what they need to hear. Say your friend’s girlfriend dumped him because he was treating her poorly. Don’t tell him, “You’re way too good for her anyway.” Instead, go with the truth, “I understand this sucks. But, you have to admit you weren’t investing that much time in her.” It may be hard to hear but a true friend will appreciate your input.

10. Keep your word. Don’t share their secrets. Follow through and show up when you say you will. Be someone they can count on. Your word is your bond and it’s the most powerful tool you own. Once you break it, it’s extremely hard to get back – and sometimes you’ll never regain it at all.
11. Stand up for them when disrespected. If your friend is the instigator, no one is asking you to jump in. But if someone is attacking them, you should be there to help. That could mean telling them to walk away or speaking up. Most men know this rule but overlook that it applies with women, too.

    I’ve called out and walked away from many girls that were rude to a friend. Unfortunately, I’ve also watched many men stay silent or even playfully join in against their companions. Then they try to defend their actions as “I’m just having fun!” No, all I see is a guy who’s so desperate for sex that he disregards his friend’s feelings.

12. Never hook up with their ex without talking to them first. If you care about your friend, you owe that much to him. If he gives you the go-ahead, awesome. If he doesn’t, you’ll have to decide if she’s worth it but understand that you may lose your friendship.

    I had a friend who pursued a girl I dated the day after we broke up. When I confronted him about it he said, “All is fair in love and war.” I would have given him my approval but his lack of respect was hurtful. Needless to say, he’s not a friend anymore.

13. Give when you can but not when you can’t. Only guarantee your time and effort when possible and reasonable for you. It’s better to set your limits than backtrack on your promises. You shouldn’t feel entitled to the same from your friend, either.     
14. When you give, do it with no strings attached. The worst thing you can do is help someone out and expect something in return. It shows that you only did that favor for selfish, manipulative reasons. If you can’t give freely, you shouldn’t give at all.
15. Don’t be desperate for their approval. Do you know how awkward it is to have someone constantly trying to impress you out of insecurity? You don’t need to “win” friends over. You just need to treat them with respect and have a fun time together. A real friend likes you for who you are and not what you can offer them.
16. Know when to distance yourself from negative influences. Cutting ties with friends is painful but sometimes necessary for your mental health. You have to be aware of when someone is adding unnecessary stress, using, or abusing you. If you’ve already addressed your feelings more than once and nothing has changed, it may be time to separate yourself — at least for a while.

    Part of being a friend is self-preservation and surrounding yourself with good company.

17. Be a great wingman and never fight over women. You should be assisting each other in meeting women, not sabotaging one another’s chances. Only insecure men try to one-up their friends, tear them down, or steal the girl they’re talking to.
18. Educate and grow with each other. I can talk about anything with my best friends. Yes, we enjoy bro-ing out about video games and hot women (who doesn’t?) But we also have deep conversations about humanity, our greatest fears, and becoming a better person.

    We’ve shared our life lessons, insights, and failures. We discuss ideas that benefit all of us. We aren’t afraid to open up and be vulnerable because we trust each other. And our lives are enriched because of it.

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Please check out my new, highly requested resources page!

Especially in self-improvement and pickup circles, men love to preach about what “class” of male you should be. If you’re an alpha male, you are the leader of the pack and get all the women. If you’re a beta male, you are a loser push-over that no one will ever love.

It’s all nonsense and the classification is extremely harmful. Men become so obsessed with this idea that they base every action on whether or not they are being “alpha”. They enjoy laughing at weak beta males and feel superior because of it.

What’s funny is that I’ve noticed the men who are most vocal about this are usually the most insecure. They have no idea what it means to be genuinely confident. They use arrogance as a way to protect themselves from having real connections with people. They need to prove themselves as true men by overcompensating. You can almost hear them screaming “Look everybody, I am an alpha male! Hear me roar!”

I’m here to disprove what many people believe makes an “alpha male” and show you what it means to be a real, confident human being.

1. You’re not supposed to feel any “sissy” emotions.

Alpha males claim that you shouldn’t feel fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, shame, or self-doubt. If you do, you’re supposed to ignore, avoid, and shove those emotions away. ALPHA ALL THE TIME.

Sorry, but these are normal human emotions that everyone experiences. Without them, you will struggle with empathy and relating to others. The key is to not bury these emotions but to learn how to manage and accept them. Trying to escape them only intensifies their control over you.

Yes, your day-to-day life and outlook should not be ruled by these emotions. But you will feel them at some point and that’s perfectly okay. Remind yourself that it is normal, temporary, and does not dictate your overall character. Have the courage to work through them and challenge your comfort zone. Action will lead to further confidence.

2. Attraction is everything when meeting women.

When men get into dating advice they think that you have to “game” women constantly. If you let up with your flirting, teasing, sexual innuendo, sarcasm, cockiness, or physical contact for even a second she’s going to walk away. They believe that you always need to demonstrate your value and spike attraction to be a ladies man.

Then they have conversations like:

Him: “Where are you from missy?”

Her: “Minnesota originally, but after college I decided to stay here since I loved it so much.”

Him: “Oh wow so that’s why you talk funny. Let me guess, you studied farming.” *rolls eyes*

Her: “No, I studied creative writing.”

Him: “Haha, sorry but you’re not the next Shakespeare. You should have chosen a profession where you can actually make money.” *nudges her shoulder*

Her: “Right…I love what I do and I’m happy about my decision.”

Him: “Well, money makes the world go around honey. Let’s see if you still live in this fantasy five years from now.” *throws arm around her after he’s already torn her down repeatedly*

Her: *This guy’s a dick.*

You become a clown who can’t make a legitimate connection. Your need to act like a tool frustrates women and shows your insecurity. Listen, I’m all for being sexually assertive and forward from the start. But it should be sprinkled in naturally during conversation rather than with everything you do.

If you need help, use the 80/20 rule as an initial guideline. 80% of your talking will be getting to know each other, relating, and sharing passions. 20% will be flirting, touching, and being playful. Those ratios will change when escalating to more intimate moments.

The combination of actually having good conversation and turning her on is the ultimate seduction.

3. You must be in control at all times.

If you’re not leading every discussion or making every decision, you are considered weak. These insecure men require a constant feeling of control or else they feel powerless. When they aren’t the center of attention, they begin to doubt themselves. They need that validation.

Of course leading, being decisive, and asserting yourself is attractive and important. It demonstrates that you trust who you are to the core. But a confident man also knows when to let other people shine and doesn’t feel threatened by it. He predominantly leads in his relationships but values the voice of the woman he’s with.

Ultimately, he is the one who decides to take control or relinquish it. He does this not out of fear but out of self-assurance.

4. Showing disinterest in women makes you a “catch”.

Guys swear you have to pretend you’re not interested or she’s going to think you’re a low-value man with no options. Some even suggest acting a little rude and disengaged from the discussion. The idea of faking how you feel goes against what makes a confident man: vulnerability. That is being unashamed and unafraid to express who you are and what you want.

But, I can’t deny it works on some women. There are girls who will eat it up when a man plays games and acts like he couldn’t give a crap about her presence. They are often insecure, enjoy drama, and will beg for validation. Personally, I like a quality woman who has a healthy sense of self-worth.

Nothing takes more courage than a man looking a woman in her eyes and saying “I want to get to know you better.” It shows you know what you desire and aren’t afraid to go after it in life. If you constantly chase girls who play games, they’re always going to play games with you.

5. You shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks, ever.

The theory behind this is that your happiness should stem from how you perceive yourself and not how others perceive you. While I agree wholeheartedly, some men take this to an extreme and refuse to hear or value outside opinions. Their egos are so fragile that they can’t listen to honest criticism without getting defensive.

It’s one thing to live your life trying to please everyone else or endlessly seek approval. That leads to misery and is a classic symptom of nice guy syndrome. But utilizing constructive feedback to better yourself and improve your own life is how smart men grow.

Listen, take what you feel is beneficial to you, and apply accordingly. You can trust in yourself without drowning out the voices of others.

6. You have to sleep with lots of women.

It’s amazing how “alpha males” claim you should never need external validation, but then base their entire self-worth on getting laid. And if you’re a guy who doesn’t sleep with dozens of women then obviously you’re pitiful.

I’m a dating coach and a big part of my business is helping men become intimate with women. I think for many guys dating around before settling is critical in understanding what they want and how to be a better partner overall. But, there is no absolute number of women you must have sex with — it all depends on what you’re looking for. If that’s a lot of sex with different women that’s cool, but it’s not a necessity.

I know plenty of confident guys who couldn’t care less about casual hookups. A lot of them are experienced but are now looking for a quality woman. They set high standards for themselves (not as a defense mechanism), have a mindset of abundance, and turn down girls regularly. They don’t want to sleep with girls that they don’t see as long-term potential. They hold out for more than looks and commit when they find a high-caliber woman.

For some, empty hook-ups can actually be destructive. I recently worked with a guy who’s been with a Sports Illustrated model and has beautiful girls hitting on him weekly. Yet he’s gotten to the point where these flings make him feel more unfulfilled and lonely. All he wants is someone that he really connects with.

I guess personal happiness, accomplishing major life goals, succeeding in your career, creating an exciting lifestyle, giving value to this world, being a good father, and having healthy relationships don’t mean anything? To many men, the only thing that matters in this world is counting how many vaginas you’ve entered.

Give me a break. That is a sad, narrow way to look at life.

7. Real connections are for relationships, not casual hookups.

After my post last week, I got many responses from guys who were furious. They couldn’t believe that I suggested you should be vulnerable and make an actual connection with women you have casual sex with. That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.

I’m not telling you to be a wimp, pour your heart out, or fall in love if you want a fling. But it also shouldn’t be a cold, detached business exchange. There should be something about her besides her vagina, even as tiny as how down-to-earth she is, that makes you want to share an intimate moment. You are penetrating her body, after all.

Men who can’t make any connection for one-night-stands often have problems with vulnerability, misogyny, or lack empathy. They close off their emotions because they’re afraid of being hurt or judged. They’re resentful towards women and use sex as a way to get revenge and feel empowered. Or they just don’t give a shit about other human beings.

I’ve had casual sex partners tell me that they felt closer to me in one night than with guys they’ve dated for years. I was upfront about the no-strings-attached sex and they were completely cool with it. We had great conversation, I gave a shit who they were, we got to know each other better, and then we had amazing sex.

There a lot of other benefits from all this, too. Emotional connections lead to hotter and more passionate sex. You are fulfilled with no regrets because it was a positive experience for both of you. You reinforce healthy views on women rather than doing it out of spite. And it leaves the girl better off rather than making her feel used.

8. You can never show weakness.

Everything you do must be awesome and nothing less. I remember talking to some guys years back and sharing that I played drums on the side. I explained how famous rock drummers inspired me and even though I was a beginner, it was incredibly fun. Right away the guys cut in:

“Dude…don’t ever say you’re not the best at something. Always tell people that you are incredible at everything you do. Girls will think you’re a washed-up beta otherwise.”

Really? If you’re constantly self-deprecating and see your areas for improvement as negatives, that’s unhealthy. However, there’s nothing wrong with being honest and viewing them as challenges which make you a stronger man. Men who can’t openly admit their flaws in a positive way will never become their best selves.

You want to know how to be a real man? Stop focusing on the title of “alpha male” and instead learn to love who you are through and through. Manage your own emotions, behaviors, and boundaries. Express yourself to others shamelessly. Prioritize your needs and happiness.

You think truly confident men sit around worrying if they’re being alpha enough?

Sex is one of life’s most pleasurable experiences. While it feels amazing to sleep with a new woman, there’s more meaning to it than the physical act. Without that intimacy, she will not be fully invested in you.

Which is why it’s no surprise that girls walk away from guys who have not pushed forward romantically. Yet I receive hundreds of e-mails from men who feel blindsided when a girl does just that:

“I was texting [or talking to] her for a couple weeks and she was responding all the time. Now she stopped messaging me back. What happened?”

“I went on a couple dates with this girl. I thought everything was going well and then suddenly she said she doesn’t see us being more than friends.”

“I’ve been hanging out with this girl for weeks/months/years and nothing’s happened. We talk about everything and now she’s seeing some douchebag, WTF?!?”

As much as you’d like to think those interactions should count for something more – I’m sorry, but she just wasn’t invested in you romantically.

What is romantic investment?

A lot of men confuse time spent together as investment. While it is part of the equation, romantic investment is tied most to vulnerability. Specifically, how vulnerable she allows herself to be with you.

Every time a woman puts herself in a position where she can be hurt by you (both emotionally and physically), she is investing. She is trusting you. She risks letting you see all sides of her, sexual included. She may not consciously think of these things in the moment, but they are there in her biology.

When we share our real selves with others, we forge the deepest connections.

How do I get her to invest in me?

Your endless texts, hour-long calls, and platonic hang-outs don’t mean much. Yes, you may have an awesome friendly connection but those do not entitle or guarantee you to romance.

The same even goes for first kisses, making out, and heavy petting. Just because she goes along for the ride doesn’t mean she’ll be calling you tomorrow. I’ve heard countless stories of guys hooking up with girls that they never hear from again.

But this all changes once you have sex. This is when she starts to truly invest in you. Even more so when you continue to have sex after that. Because…

Sex is when we’re at our most vulnerable, especially for many women. It’s intimidating, potentially dangerous, and forces some of your greatest insecurities to the surface. She is making a huge investment. Guys often don’t consider it because sticking our junk in stuff always sounds fun. But being fully exposed and allowing your body to be penetrated is an enormously different decision.

When a woman has sex with a man, he almost always gains significance to her.

Why is getting her to invest so important?

• You’ll get more chances to “screw up”. Inexperienced men sometimes say or do the wrong thing early on. If she feels invested in you, she’s more likely to overlook any negatives and focus on why she likes you.
• You’ll find out how she feels so you don’t waste time. Waiting for months or years to see how a girl feels is pathetic and needy. By moving things forward and seeing if she will invest in you, you’re respecting your self-worth. If she’s not interested, she’ll let you know and you can meet a girl who is.
• She’ll be more committed to you. The majority of women tend to find a guy they are sexually compatible with and stop playing the field, at least for a while. She will value your connection and want to keep spending time together instead of with someone else. You are not just another guy anymore.
• You get to uncover the deeper her. I see so many men who think that they know everything about a woman because they have personal, platonic conversations. They place her on a pedestal and create an idealized image in their heads. They believe they know who she is, what she wants, and what “type” of girl she is – in reality, they don’t.
   
  Once you become a sexual partner, the dynamic of your connection transforms forever. People drop their defenses, share and explore their desires, and experience a new set of emotions. We act differently with our lovers than with anyone else.

If you’re interested in a woman, you have to at least attempt to escalate it to sex. That intimate act isn’t only for fun, it creates a powerful and necessary bond between you. You want her to invest in you because otherwise she will invest in someone else.

Build consistent momentum and stop wasting time being stagnant. Text to setup dates, not to make small talk. Treat your dates as DATES and not friendly meetings. Touch her often and go for a kiss on that first date. See her again and invite her back to your place.

Am I saying that you should only care about sex? Not at all. But you should try to be her lover or you’re just going to be her friend. You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting something that is natural and healthy in a romantic relationship. Unless she’s waiting until marriage (which she’d tell you if you escalated!), she wants sex, too.

Find out if she’s willing to invest in you. A confident man doesn’t invest in someone who won’t reciprocate the same feelings.