The Dave Burba Revolution

First Day on the Job: Matt LaPorta

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Sun, 03 May 2009 20:46:00 +0000

New Cleveland outfielder Matt LaPorta parks his Kia in the 'Insurance Company Field' parking lot and approaches the clubhouse entrance. As he walks through the doors he hears a voice mumbling behind him. LaPorta turns around to see a man in cut-off jean shorts and a 'Twisted Sister' tank top. He's also wearing thick black rimmed glasses, a blond wig and what is clearly a fake mustache.

Man in Hall (in an exaggerated low voice): Hi newbie, my name is Marcus. What do you want?

LaPorta immediately recognizes the man to be Travis Hafner.

LaPorta: Umm, hello. I'm Matt. Aren't you--

Hafner: Why don't you shut the hell up Matt! No one even wants you hear you idiot! Everyone hates you!

LaPorta gives confused blank stare. Hafner stares back and after about 6 seconds he bursts in laughter.

Hafner (taking off wig, glasses, and mustache): Oh man, I'm just messin' with ya! Welcome to Cleveland dude!

Hafner hugs LaPorta, who is relieved but still a bit confused.

Hafner: Come on man, let me show you around. I've volunteered to be your mentor for the next few days.

LaPorta: Oh, okay.

The two begin to walk a hallway towards the clubhouse. On their way, they stroll by Asdrubal Cabrera.

Hafner: Hey Ah-blob-bo, I want you to meet our newest teammate, Matt.

Cabrera (annoyed): How many times Travis -- it's As-dru-bal. Asdrubal. (to LaPorta) Hi Matt.

LaPorta: Hi, nice to meet ya Asdrubal --looking forward to playing with you.

Asdrubal smiles and keeps walking.

Hafner: Bye, An-ber-blur! (to Matt) That guy is kind of 'touchy feely' sometimes, so watch out.

The two enter the clubhouse. Inside, several Indians players are walking around and preparing for the game. Hafner whistles to get their attention.

Hafner: Hey everyone, I want to introduce you to Matt LaPorta -- he's the new guy. Walking in here, he just told me that his favorite singer of all time is Mariah Carey. Make what you want of that -- personally, I think he's weird. Okay, that's all.

Everyone goes back to what they were doing. LaPorta shoots a stare at Hafner.

LaPorta: Hey, I never told you my favorite singer is Mariah Carey.

Hafner (confused): You didn't? I could have sworn you did. Oh well. Hey, let me take you over to my area, I got some awesome stuff to show you.

Hafner leads LaPorta over to his locker. When they get there LaPorta notices that Hafner has decorated his locker with magazine pictures and baseball cards of himself. Hafner sees LaPorta staring at them.

Hafner: Oh, you like? He's my favorite baseball player. (Hafner reaches into his locker) Hey Matt, gotta ask you? You like steroids?

LaPorta: Uhhhh--

Hafner pulls out a giant 4-foot-long novelty hypodermic needle from his locker.

Hafner: (laughing) Come on, pull your pants down. (laughs) Man, this thing gets me every time. My mom gave it to me for Christmas last year.

Just then, without notice, Hafner picks up a baseball from the bottom of his locker and wings it across the room and into the back of Grady Sizemore. As Grady turns around to see who threw it, LaPorta notices Hafner looking straight into his locker and pointing a finger right at him. LaPorta is speechless. He stares at an angry Sizemore and tries to nod his head 'no', but before he can Grady walks away.

LaPorta: What the hell man, why'd you do that?

Hafner: Hey, I got something else to show you man. (Hafner pulls out a 2-gallon steel bucket) This is my 'punching pale.' It's filled with orange peels, cottage cheese, Jell-O and whale blubber. I punch the shit out of it for like 10 minutes before every game.

Hafner lets out a load scream and begins slamming his fists into the bucket.

Hafner: Give it a try.

LaPorta: Naw, I'm alright.

Hafner (slightly offended): What?! Come on man, give it a punch, you'll love it.

LaPorta throws down a meek punch and nods to Hafner.

Hafner: Awesome, isn't it? Wanna know something crazy, I made them hire a guy just to maintain and refill this thing. He even travels with us. His name is Ted, you'll meet him later.

Hafner unexpectedly begins walking away.

Hafner: Come on man, let me show you the showers!

Hafner leads LaPorta into the bathroom and shower area. Mark DeRosa and Victor Martinez are inside and once they notice Hafner they immediately look away.

Hafner: Watch this.

Fully dressed, Hafner walks into the showers and starts singing the lyrics to "I'm Only Happy When it Rains." He then slaps a bar of soap out of DeRosa's hand and tells him, "Hey buddy, you dropped you're soap."

Drenched, Hafner leads LaPorta back to the lockers.

Hafner: Hey, I almost forgot, I have a surprise for you.

Hafner then pulls down a piece of cloth from the locker next to his to reveal the name "LaPorta."

Hafner: You're right next to me man! How cool is that?

LaPorta (monotone): That's great.

Hafner: Oh man, oh man!

LaPorta: What is it?

Hafner: I got an itch on my arm. My arm is totally itching.

LaPorta stares at Hafner. Hafner then gets a very serious look on his face, one that LaPorta has not yet seen.

LaPorta: What's wrong?

Hafner: Scratch it. Scratch my itch right now rookie.

LaPorta: What? No way, scratch your own arm.

Hafner: Listen, this is no joke. You are new and you do as I say. One time a rookie didn't scratch my itch and within a week I had him pitching batting practice in France.

Hafner presses his nose up against LaPorta's face.

Hafner: (whispers) Scratch it. (screams) Scratch it!

LaPorta scratches Hafner's arm. Hafner turns away and leaves the room. LaPorta then walks over to his locker and begins unpacking.

4 Quick Facts You May Not Know About Former Indians OF Marty Cordova

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Hoover) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:19:00 +0000

Being an avid fan of Cleveland Indians baseball my whole life, I occasionally like to look back in the past and reflect on ballplayers that have come through this great city. Guys such as Alex Cole, Jerry "The Governor" Browne and Bill Selby will always hold a special place in my heart. Thinking of these amazing athletes, Martin Kevin Cordova popped in my head. I decided that I did not know enough about this man and dug up 4 things that you may not know about him. Here are my findings.

1. It is public information that Marty Cordova was born in Las Vegas. What most people don't know is that as a 2 day old baby, he illegally pulled the lever of a slot machine and had a lifetime ban placed on him at the Bellagio.

2. After receiving his plaque for winning the 1995 Rookie of the Year for the Twins, Marty secretly went to a local engraving business and had the letter R in Rookie changed to C because of his life long obsession with Chips Ahoy! Cookies.

3. It is also known that Marty Cordova fell asleep in a tanning bed and had to miss a few games while with the Orioles. What people don't know is that on that same day right before the incident, he had signed a lucrative deal with Tanning Bed Warehouse (TBW) and was to be featured in an issue of Time magazine. Unfortunately for Marty, he had breached page 37 of his contract and TBW quickly and quietly terminated his contract to save face.

4. Marty hit 122 career homeruns over his 9-year career. Marty secretly thought if you played at least 5 years in the pros, that at the end of your career you could trade in your doubles for homerun credit. Marty argued that every 2 doubles he hit, he should have had a homerun added to his career total. After 3 months of a behind-the-scenes struggle with Bud Selig and Major League Baseball, Marty Cordova lost. Cordova, who would have ended up with 218 homeruns if given the credit said in 2006 that he only wanted it for one reason. He wanted to boast and brag to fishing buddy Jeff Conine about having 4 more career homeruns than him.

Ryan Garko's eHarmony Questionnaire

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:14:00 +0000

Below you'll find the questions and answers to Cleveland Indians first baseman Ryan Garko's eHarmony.com questionnaire. Surprisingly, Garko choose the "write-in" option for every single question he answered:

Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?
A: fear of growing apart
B: fear of marrying the wrong person
C: (write-in) fear the DJ forgets to play The Safety Dance at our reception

What are your body-type preferences for your mate?
A: Thin and very lean
B: Muscular and athletic
C: Two boobs and a butt

If you decided to stay at home for the evening would you tend to:
A: read
B: watch TV
C: play “Hot Potato” with a cactus

If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A: stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B: strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
C: hide in the bathroom and masturbate until everyone has left

Which of the following scenarios would make you more nervous?
A: making a presentation to 500 people
B: talking about your deepest fears with your lover
C: sharing an elevator ride with Mark Shapiro

What do you think of "Soul Mates?"
A: there is no such thing
B: each person has one soul mate, whether they find them or not
C: It’s my favorite C. Thomas Howell movie

Financially, how would you characterize yourself?
A: Very frugal and financially conservative
B: Good at saving money with occasional unplanned purchases
C: I could buy a roller coaster if I felt like it

How do you feel about food?
A: I consider myself a gourmand and love to dine on elaborate meals as often as possible
B: I just eat to live, trying to be healthy and consume little
C: With my hands

Outside of a romantic relationship, are you competitive?
A: I'm extremely competitive
B: Most of the time I'm pretty competitive
C: Not really – unless I'm competing in a Fred Flintstone look-a-like contest

What is your opinion on your mate having opposite sex friendships?
A: I believe that both partners should have and actively pursue opposite sex friendships
B: I'm comfortable with a few well-established opposite sex friendships
C: I don’t mind as long as the person’s name doesn’t rhyme with Shady Pizemore

Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?
A: cooking
B: shopping
C: going to the bathroom

What best describes your attitude toward work?
A: it is where I am at my best and my main focus
B: I like my job but my focus is elsewhere
C: it’s just a way to earn money so I can focus on my real passion – starting my own line windbreaker turtlenecks called "Garks"

Your idea of adventure is:
A: whitewater rafting
B: karaoke singing
C: grounding into a double play

How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?
A: I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.
B: With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.
C: I would assess them verbally, with words, at a fairly skillful level, using my mouth

Your idea of a romantic time would be:
A: a quiet candle-lit restaurant
B: cooking dinner together at home
C: making out while watching Con Air

A Very Brief Chat with Mel

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Hoover) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 03:26:00 +0000

With the NFL draft coming up this weekend, I had the chance to track down Mel Kiper Jr. at the Cleveland Browns headquarters in Berea. He was visiting all 32 NFL teams in 40 hours prior to the draft to get a better analysis before he put out his final updated mock draft. Here is what went down.

First of all, I know you are a busy man and I appreciate you taking the time to ---

Mel: Yeah yeah what is your question because I probably have the right answer kid.

(A little hesitant and somewhat terrified)

Uhh, as you know the draft is right around the corner and--

Mel: Oh it is?! I must have been in my "Mel bubble" the past year and have totally forgotten that their is a draft amongst the 32 franchises in the National Football League! I have been an ESPN draft analyst since 1984 and for some reason you think that somewhere along the way I would erase the 2009 NFL draft from my memory? Is that what you think?

(Most definitely terrified now) No sir, I just wanted to ask you what you thought the Browns were going to do with their first round pick this year.

(Mel stares at me for about 7 seconds and then combs his right hand through his hair)

Mel: Sorry for snapping at you kid, I've been up analyzing players from the MAC conference for the past 89 hours to see if they have that "X factor" when they wear black mouthguards as opposed to clear ones. Besides my hair is not parting the way it should be today.

Sorry about that Mel, I kn--

Mel: Please call me Mr. Kiper Jr. ... Now what was the question you were asking me?

(My pants now soaked with urine) Mr. Kiper Jr., what do you think the Browns will do with the #5 overall pick?

Almost like he has done this before, Mr. Kiper Jr. goes into a robotic ESPN analyst mode and looks past my head as if into a tv camera and breaks down the pick.

Mr. Kiper Jr. : What you have to look at is a player's body of work and if it will translate to the NFL. Looking at the Browns roster and their needs, they can go a number of ways. For this pick I think the best value is Michael Crabtree. Regardless of Braylon Edwards leaving or not it is still a position of need and according to my immaculate mock draft, he is the best available talent at that spot. Could you make an arguement for Brian Orakpo here, sure, but their are durability issues their. I think Crabtree provides the best value at that number 5 slot.

(Feeling absolutely satisfied with the response, I look to quickly end this chat with the erratic Mr. Kiper Jr.)

I appreciate you taking the time to chat with me. I understand that you have to get back on the plane to visit the remaining teams and compare notes with your fellow colleague analyst Todd McShay, so I hope all your mock draft dreams come true.

Mr. Kiper Jr.: Did you just mention Todd McShay.

No, no I did not. I better go.

Mr. Kiper Jr.: If I hear that name again I swear I will drop kick a guy named Murphy. Where does this young punk get off trying to take over MY air time for an event that I basically brought into the mainstream by MYself. First of all, like I said earlier, I have been on ESPN since 1984 doing this network a favor and this McHotShot guy comes in and thinks he invented the wheel because he predicts Matthew Stafford will go #1 to the Lions. Do I wish I had his young, chiseled face? Maybe, but there is one thing that never dies and that is firm, vibrant, and energetic hair. I am outta here, good day to you.

Ebayin' Cleveland

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:09:00 +0000

Don't have enough Cleveland sports garbage? Great, because it's time once again to jump into the Internet and do a little Ebay window shopping.

First up we have a 10 inch collectible plate featuring former Cavalier Mark Price. At $12.99 I'm not sure how anyone could consider this auction anything but a steal. In my "Commemorative Plate Power Rankings" I have Price at number 4, sandwiched in between Kyle Petty and John F. Kennedy.

And I'm aware an item like this is solely meant for decoration, but honestly -- if I owned a Mark Price plate I would eat every single meal off it. How much better would a pile of nachos taste knowing you had the angelic face of number 25 waiting for you at the bottom?

Up next we have a cut-out paper mask of former Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar. Perfect for the goofy football fan or aspiring serial killer in your family. Really though, I've been trying to come up with legitimate reasons why a person would buy such an item and could only think of three: 1. buyer is producing a low-budget student film with some sort of futuristic "Orwellian" theme, 2. buyer is going as Steve Guttenberg for Halloween or 3. buyer is Bernie Kosar.

Also, I'm pretty sure that if you stare into the eye holes of that picture for more than 30 seconds you'll end up burning down a school or something. I can't look for more than 10 without foaming at the mouth and banging my head against the floor.

I suppose this next item proves just how little fanfare the Cleveland Rockers actually had. For about $50 you can own the Rockers 1998 Eastern Conference Championship banner, autographed by half the team. The key word there is "the." This is not a replica or old promotional item -- this is THE banner that once hung in the rafters of Quicken Loans Arena. I wonder what the conversation was like when they decided to finally rip it down:

DAN GILBERT: Hey, I was talking a pass through the floor today and have a question. What are the Cleveland Rockers?

ASSISTANT: They were the city's WNBA team sir. They won the eastern conference in 1998 but were---

DAN GILBERT: I stopped listening after you said "W." Tear that banner down right away.

ASSISTANT: Do you want to replace it with anything sir?

DAN GILBERT: I don't know. Is it too early to retire Kevin Ollie's number?

And finally we have a Cleveland Indians silk tie. Ah, novelty ties. Perfect for saying, "hi, I don't dress up often. I'm more of a jean shorts and tank top kind of guy. And when I'm put in a position where formal attire is required, you can expect me to push the envelope. Tasmanian Devil cuff links, a "Big Johnson" undershirt and a pair of tinted eyeglasses usually round out my get up. If you see me standing alone on the other side of the room it's best to leave me be. That is unless you want me to talk your ear off about my idea for a 4th Matrix movie. Because I will baby, I will. Don't test me. I wear a neck tie with a baseball team on it."

Mike Brown vs. The Call

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 07:42:00 +0000

Last night the Cavaliers were victims of a questionable call that ultimately cost them their 40th win. Up by one with less than a second left, official Joey Crawford called a foul on LeBron James that resulted in the Pacers winning the game via free throws. Afterwards no one was more agitated with the officiating than Cleveland coach Mike Brown:

"I went back and I watched the last two plays and that last call on LeBron was the worst call I've ever been a part of. I cannot imagine another worse call than that by that official. It was an awful call and for him to take away a basketball game from a team with .4 seconds on the clock is irresponsible. That is an irresponsible call."

Brown continues on.

"It was predetermined from the call that was made on the other end of the floor and it was very unfortunate because there were a lot of men out on the floor that were working their (butts) off to try to win the ball game. We got that game taken away from us on a horse shit -- excuse my French -- horsecrap call with .2 seconds left on the clock by that official. Absolutely horrible."

Brown then leaves the room, only to return moments later.

"Listen, I don't want to leave any of this unsettled or open for interpretation. Witnessing that call on the court tonight made me sad for basketball and sad for America. Calls like that only come around once in a generation. If that call were a color it would be the darkest of pitch black. If it were a sound it would be that of babies crying. And if that call were a person, so help me -- it would be Jeffery Dahmer. What I saw tonight with .1 seconds left in the game was the Jeffery Dahmer of NBA officiating."

Brown leaves once again, gets in his car and hops onto the freeway. Before the first exit however, he turns around and heads back to the arena and every reporter he can find.

"When I was 6-years-old I spent the night at my friend Brian Bolley's house. Late into the night we were woken by his drunk mother screaming on the telephone. On the other line was child services. Mrs. Bolley was calling to tell them she no longer wanted her son and that they should come get him within 24 hours or else she'd leave him at a bus station. The next day Brian was taken away and placed in a foster home, abandoned by his own mother. I've always said that call was the worst call I'd ever witnessed. Well, I can now safely say I've seen a more despicable call." Brown begins to weep and takes a seat. "I'm sorry guys, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. What's going on? Where am I?"

Finally, Brown leaves the arena and goes to his hotel room. But at 2:30 AM he grabs his phone, dials up every Cavs reporter he has a contact for and puts them on a conference call. He speaks in a whisper.

"I'm sorry to wake you guys but I just don't want to be alone tonight. I think the call is beginning to get the better of me. I can't get the sound of that ref's whistle out of my head and thoughts of physically harming myself are now starting to accompany it. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. Okay, I gotta go. I think the NBA might have this phone bugged."

Brown hangs up the phone.

After Hours with LeBron James

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 05:43:00 +0000

How do you celebrate a 52 point triple-double in New York City? Here's a glimpse into how LeBron did:

11:02 PM: LeBron, Ben Wallace, Delonte West and Mo Williams exit Madison Square Garden and head towards the Hummer limo waiting for them. LeBron suddenly stops, "Hey, I forgot something, you guys go ahead."

11:03 PM: LeBron approaches MSG, checks no one is around and gently presses both of his hands onto the arena. "You're the reason I wake up in the morning. I love you," LeBron says aloud. "I love you too," he then replies back to himself in a high pitched squeak.

11:28 PM: LeBron and company arrive at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club. "You guys got your ID's on you, this place will totally card...just kidding," LeBron says before laughing hysterically. Everyone fake laughs at LeBron's comment as though they've done so 1,000 times before.

11:32 PM: LeBron flags down a waitress and orders a round of what he calls his "Triple Double Cocktail" -- 1 double shot of Gin, 1 double shot of Bourbon and 1 double shot of contact lens solution.

12:40 AM: Wally Szczerbiak and Zydrunas Ilgauskas show up to the club. LeBron, who is chatting with Jay-Z, calls the two over. After being introduced to Jay-Z, Szczerbiak asks him if he's the same rapper who sang "Whoop! There it is." An angry LeBron tells Szczerbiak to wait outside until he's called back in.

1:52 AM: An NYU student purposely catches LeBron's attention from the bar. After filling his hands with salt, he throws his arms up in the air, imitating LeBron's talcum power pregame routine. LeBron immediately orders Zydrunas Ilgauskas over to break the kid's thumbs.

2:38 AM: LeBron decides he wants a change of scenery and the group leave 40/40. As they climb into the Hummer, LeBron notices that Wally Szczerbiak -- shivering from the cold -- is still waiting outside the club entrance. "Hey Wally, you wanna come with us?" LeBron yells. "Yes," Wally replies. "Too bad, go home," LeBron says as he closes the car door.

2:50 AM: Back in the limo, LeBron tells the driver to shout out any letter in the alphabet. "Um, R," the driver says. LeBron then pulls out his phone and types in R and indiscriminately chooses a contact and hits "call." It's Ricky Davis. Davis picks up and LeBron puts the phone on speaker for everyone to listen. "Hello? Hello? Who is this, hello? Come on!" Everyone in the car bursts into laughter and LeBron hangs up.

3:03 AM: The group stops in for another round of "Triple Doubles" at an Irish Pub.

3:59 AM: Delonte West asks the limo driver to pull over so he can vomit. While idling, LeBron notices a homeless man hunched over on a bench. "Follow me guys," LeBron says as he gets out of the limo.

4:02 AM: "Hey, you want to make some money?" LeBron says to the homeless man. "Sing the theme song to 'Cheers' and I'll give you 2,000 dollars." But before the man can even open his mouth LeBron and company begin shouting the lyrics to the song themselves. Afterward, James hands the man around 3,000 dollars in cash and says "good job."

4:28 AM: LeBron and Zydrunas Ilgauskas, eyes half open, sit in an all night diner eating a couple of gyros. "Z, I think my next NY shoes are gonna have to be designed with a gyro theme. That'd look awesome."

5:12 AM: LeBron stumbles into his hotel room, collapses onto a bed and falls asleep to a TV playing highlights from his historic triple-double a few hour earlier.

8 Things You Probably Didn't Know About New Browns GM George Kokinis

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 21:46:00 +0000

1. He doesn't celebrate Columbus Day.

2. He hates his first name and if given the choice would rather be a "Derek."

3. Is an avid tank top enthusiast.

4. Has never actually touched a football.

5. Has a lower back tattoo that reads "You Wish."

6. In college he had an internship with the "Little Debbie" company.

7. Combs his hair an average of 42 times a day.

8. His favorite Destiny's Child song is "Bug a Boo."

Presidential Choices

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 06:32:00 +0000

Today's inauguration of President Barack Obama is the mark of new era in America. And with the theme of "change" in mind, some of Cleveland's most popular sports figures were recently given the chance to answer the following question: What would be your first course of action as the 44th President of the United States?

Travis Hafner: I'd officially change the national anthem from the "Star Spangled Banner" to "Mother" by Danzig.

Hank Fraley: I'd make it legal to shoot and or stab a person if you really really really don't like them and had a good reason why.

Brady Quinn: I'd issue a full Presidential pardon to my right hand. Then I'd walk around the mall and just slap weird looking people in the face.

Mo Williams: Government issued Snuggies. I got one for Christmas and it changed my life -- I think every American should have one.

Eric Mangini: I'd get rid of the NFL playoff system, because in the end, it proves nothing.

Wally Szczerbiak: Citizens with last names that begin with four consonant become eligible to receive social security at age 31.

Josh Cribbs: I'd create a new position in my cabinet -- Secretary of Awesome -- and offer it to either Keanu Reeves or that guy who hosts "Man vs. Wild."

LeBrowns

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 06:45:00 +0000

When I lie my head down to sleep and shut my eyes for the night, I'm usually welcomed by 5 images. These faint illustrations flash into my mind without warning and I count on them to help me rest. They are comforting. They are warming. And most of all, they are awesome.

My first 4 "shut eye images" are nothing out of the ordinary -- things most good natured Midwestern folks probably think of. In no particular order, they are:

1. Time lapse footage of a Rubik's Cube being put together.

2. A million of the brightest stars in the galaxy forming a constellation of Dennis Quaid's grinning face.

3. A burning Fender Stratocaster guitar being played by a reptile/human hybrid.

4. Myself cruising around out West in a Ferrari made out of strawberry Fruit Roll-ups.

Then today I saw the following pictures on the Internet and almost freaked my seat:

That's my number 5! When I close my eyes at night I see these exact images!

Now I know this is just some commercial shoot for a fancy shoe or beverage, but I can't help feeling like LeBron has Freddy Kruger powers and is invading my thoughts. Either way, I'm going to start thinking about Wally Szczerbiak in a Pistons uniform a lot more often.

Vote!

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 07:26:00 +0000

Democracy!

The Brighter Side of the Browns

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 05:03:00 +0000

The scary thing about yesterday's second half meltdown against the Ravens is that it felt a bit too normal. Doesn't losing that game just seem natural at this point? I mean, what'd you expect, a defensive stand? A comeback?

But I don't won't to dwell on the negative. Saying nasty stuff about the 2008 Cleveland Browns is too easy. So instead of ripping into D.A., Romeo, and the rest of the gang, let's take a look at some of the things that have actually gone Cleveland's way this season:

--The Browns' travel coordinators have been absolutely stellar. The team has successfully arrived, on time, to every single road game this season. 4 for 4 and counting -- you can't argue with those numbers!

--For the most part, every offensive player has been running towards the correct endzone on each play.

--The Browns have experienced exactly zero on-field decapitations this season.

--Brady Quinn has yet to physically or verbally assault a gay person in public.

--No one can criticize the 08' Browns for are their duds. Each week fans have come to expect stain free uniforms showcasing clean and vibrant colors. Whomever is in charge of the team's laundry department deserves a plaque for their hard work this season.

--Derek Anderson's hand off success rate is well over 90%.

--Cleveland Browns Stadium has had no major alien attacks/invasions during home games this year. In fact, there has been zero reports of any roving alien space crafts within 10 miles of the field at any point this season.

--As of this week Braylon Edwards' hands are still able to open car doors, operate ATM's, grip silverware, and press 4 out of the 5 buttons on "Guitar Hero."

Grady Strikes a Pose

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 22:48:00 +0000

Cleveland sports fans have another athlete turned male model to cheer for. Grady Sizemore (I know, how does Phil Dawson keep getting overlooked?) graces the pages of Men's Vogue October issue.

The photos showcase a suave Grady hanging out with mysterious women, harassing little kids, and wearing $5,000 bomber jackets in various downtown locations. The interview portion of the photo shoot is particularly interesting because of Sizemore's uncanny ability to speak about himself while simultaneously saying nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ripping Grady for his ultra gray comments -- in fact, it's one of the things I like most about him. He's like a riddle no one can solve. Grady Sizemore could be a vampire serial killer, preying on the Cleveland elderly, and he's neighbors wouldn't suspect a thing.

Anyway, getting back to Sizemore's modeling work, the picture below is my favorite (from Sizemorefan.com):

What the heck? Is this suppose to be some kind of metaphor? Is that Sizemore as a child? Or does Grady show up to little league games every now and then and just stand in the batters box?

"Honey, who is that man that just walked out onto the field? Why won't he get out of Brian's way?"

"I don't know, but he sure dresses sharp."

Kellen Winslow Watches the Browns Game

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 07:21:00 +0000

The following is an account of Kellen Winslow Jr.'s afternoon during the Browns 23-17 victory over Jacksonville. Winslow, inactive from the game because earlier in the week he hurt GM Phil Savage's feelings, watched the action from his Cleveland area home.

3:57 PM: Winslow plops himself onto a couch and flips on his 140-inch liquid crystal flat screen TV.

4:01 PM: As coverage of the game begins, Winslow grabs a pen and opens up a fresh notebook. During the next three hours he will log every single thing the announcers say regarding his current situation.

4:32 PM: After Derek Anderson completes a 3-yard TD pass to Donte Stallworth, Winslow mutters "whatever" under his breath and quickly turns off his TV.

4:33 PM: Winslow turns his TV back on.

4:59 PM: Winslow takes exception when he sees RB Jamal Lewis exchange an intricate high five with C Hank Franley. "Hey! That's my hand shake -- I made it up last year. You guys can't do that without me there. Jerks!"

5:02 PM: As Winslow scribbles down some of the comments made regarding his absence, he notices he's written the word "staph" at least a dozen times. Intrigued by the word, he begins to repeatedly say it over and over, eventually replacing classic song lyrics with it. He spends the next 7 minutes singing the tunes "Staph by Me" and "Staph in Black."

5:09 PM: Winslow becomes physically agitated when he spots his replacement, Steve Heiden, enter the game. He clenches his fists.

5:10 PM: Anderson completes a 51-yard completion to Heiden, energizing the Browns offense. Kellen sees red. As he wildly punches into the air he turns over his sofa, dropkicks a halogen lamp, and throws a bowl of Cheddar Cheese Combos at his pet ferret, Simon.

5:11 PM: After the tantrum Winslow calls his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. When Rosenhaus answer Kellen says nothing -- just breathes heavily into receiver. "Kellen, is that you again? You can't keep doing this," says Rosenhaus. Winslow hangs up.

5:14 PM: As he restores his living room "pre-Heiden," Winslow pleads with Simon for forgiveness. "Come on man, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you. One more chance, that's all I'm asking for."

5:18-6:20 PM: Winslow becomes distracted from the game when he realizes the Discovery Channel is running an all day "Man vs. Wild" marathon.

6:21 PM: Winslow returns to the game, which is now tied at 17. Kellen is calm. "Alright boys, let's pull this one out," he happily chirps at his TV.

6:22 PM: A replay is shown of Steven Heiden's reception from earlier along with the TE's stats for the day. Kellen bites his lip.

6:24 PM: Derek Anderson to Steve Heiden...complete pass. "And again, Heiden making the best of Kellen Winslow's suspension," the announcer declares. It's too much for and Winslow and he freaks once again. He takes off all of his clothes, karate chops his coffee table in half, throws a lava lamp into his TV set, and head butts Simon in the face. "I'm not a piece of meat!" he tells the ferret.

6:28 PM: To cool off, Winslow does 400 push-ups, screaming the entire time.

6:48 PM: Using a paring knife, Winslow carves the initials "S.H." into his chest.

7:02 PM: After a couple of 4th quarter Phil Dawson field goals the Browns win. Still nude, Winslow stares at his television and laughs uncontrollably. "Well played my friends, well played. Check. Mate!"

Braylon Edwards: The Time Altering, Game Erasing Wide Receiver

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 05:57:00 +0000

My favorite part about the Browns upset over the NY Giants on Monday Night has got to be Brayon Edwards comments before, during, and after the game. Edwards, who I can only assume is having a steamy sex affair with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, repeatedly insisted that a win against the Giants would "make us 2-0" and "give us a fresh start with a 14 game season."

Huh?

Now, I understand this sort of talk is usually just a mental ploy for players and coaches, but the tone in Edwards' voice seemed a bit too certain. What does he know that the rest of us don't? In his mind, what has happened to the first 3 games of the season? Have they fallen into some sort of football vortex?

Anyway, you can't argue with the advantage Braylon's scheduling theory gives the team. Here's what the new standings look like heading into next week:

AFC North

Cleveland Browns -- 2-0

Pittsburgh Steelers -- 4-1

Baltimore Ravens -- 2-3

Cincinnati Bengals -- 0-6

I just hope the Browns are able to pull out another win against Washington -- otherwise they could be facing a 0-0 record going into week 8.

How Do You Get Jacked?

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 19:19:00 +0000

As Monday night looms -- and a national spotlight grows brighter -- a few of your favorite Browns reveal some of the unusual ways they prepare for big games.

Jamal Lewis, RB: "The morning before kickoff I play a game of John Madden Football on Playstation. I pick the Browns and give Jamal Lewis anywhere from 90-95 carries. At the end of the game, when they show personal stats, I snap a Polaroid of my TV screen. Then I take that picture, tape it to my jock strap, and play all four quarters with it there."

Braylon Edwards, WR: "I hang myself upside down and listen to OMC's "How Bizarre" over and over until the battery in my iPod is drained."

Dave Zastudil, Punter: "I drive to the Metroparks and find a swampy area inhabited by mallord ducks. I throw a bunch of bread crumbs into the air and wait for them to take the bait. Then, when I have a few in mid-flight, about 5 or 6 feet above ground, I try to kick them out of the air. Not only is it great for my foot-eye coordination but it gives me a chance to be around and feed the wildlife in my community."

Shaun Rogers, NT: "I usually sit down with a good Steinbeck novel. Then I eat it."

Kamerion Wimbley, LB: "I make 5 life size paper mache statues and dress them in the jerseys of whichever team we are playing that week. Then I line up the paper men on a side street near my house and drive full speed into them with my Jeep."

Kellen Winslow, TE: "I like to fill my bathtub up with 80-90 pieces of French toast and 4-5 gallons of maple syrup. Then I just lie in the spongy goo for an hour or so and watch Braveheart."

Phil Dawson, K: "Heroin."

Ken Dorsey, QB: "I usually just go down into my basement and scream the "F-word" as loud as I can until I throw up. It's when I know I ready to play some football."

Getting Dirty with the Browns

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:42:00 +0000

At 0-3, it's safe to say the 2008 Cleveland Browns are securing a reputation as a lowly gang of football losers. But it now appears these losers have a new identity brewing amongst NFL teams -- that of total badass cheap shot taking thugs.

First there was Adam Jones of the Cowboys accusing Browns DB Nick Sorenson of grabbing and squeezing his privates after a punt return. And now this past week the Baltimore Ravens are claiming Browns defenders violently (and purposely) gauged the eyes of RB Willis McGahee.

And as these stories of brutish behavior surface it appears more and more teams are coming out against the Browns' dirty play. Several of Cleveland's opponents from the 2007 season are now sharing stories of alleged cheap shots. Below are accounts of some of these instances:

October 7th vs. New England Patriots: New England lineman allege center Hank Fraley pasted small razor blades and pieces of glass onto the palms of his gloves in order to rip and tear the arm flesh of Patriot defenders.

November 4th vs. Seattle Seahawks: Several Seahawk receivers have accused Browns cornerbacks Leigh Bodden and Brandon McDonald of sipping Tabasco sauce before crucial 3rd down plays and then spitting the liquid into their faces as the ball is snapped.

November 11th vs. Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger claims Browns linebacker Kamerion Wimbley delivered what he refers to as "the ultimate late hit." The Steelers QB says that well after the game had ended, while he was showering back in the lockers, Wimbley -- in full padding and uniform -- delivered a shoulder-to-back tackle. Roethlisberger commented, "then after we both hit the wet ground he just popped up as though we were still on the field, did a little celebratory shimmy over my naked body, and ran away. To me, that's just not how you're suppose to play the game of football."

December 16th vs. Buffalo Bills: The Browns, who apparently received advanced DVD copies of the hit television show Lost, had no qualms using their advanced knowledge of the series as a strategical tactic. Bills QB Trent Edwards states, "while we were in our huddle, players from Cleveland would spontaneous yell out secrets and vital plot points (from Lost) at us. As the game worn on it became almost impossible to get my guys to focus. Does Jack and Kate's relationship really begin to fall apart in the flash forwards? Are Sayid and the Others actually able to free Ben from the mercenaries? This is all the guys were thinking about out on the field. We didn't know if the Browns were telling the truth or not but after a while it really didn't matter. The whole thing was a big time cheap shot in my book."

December 23rd vs. Cincinnati Bengals: It's been reported that at least 3 unidentified Browns players made prank phone calls, during the game, to the mothers of several Bengals players informing them that their son 'has just been involved in a serious car accident.' While this didn't technically affect the game on the field, it is no doubt a total dick move.

The Most Awkward Elevator Ride in Cleveland Browns History

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 07:15:00 +0000

Berea, OH -- Cleveland Browns Training Facility/Complex -- Mid-Afternoon

A glum Derek Anderson stands alone in an elevator when the doors open to reveal a smiling Brady Quinn joking with a couple of teammates. Quinn, holding the current Browns playbook, enters the elevator and notices Anderson. His smile fades.

Quinn (hesitant): Hey.

Anderson (looking straight ahead): Hey.

Quinn: I can just catch the next one if--

Anderson: No, its fine. Where you heading?

Quinn: Top floor.

Anderson: Top floor? To see Coach Crennel?

Quinn: Yeah.

Anderson: What for?

Quinn: Some meeting with him and Scherer (quarterbacks coach).

Anderson: Huh? Why don't I know about this?

Silence.

Quinn (noticing no other floors are lit): Where you getting off?

Anderson: Nowhere. I'm just riding -- trying to clear my head.

Silence. Quinn looks at his watch.

Anderson: So, how were my--I mean your-- snaps in practice today?

Quinn: Um, they were good -- I felt pretty sharp out there.

Anderson: Yeah, I bet you did.

Silence. Quinn scratches his forehead.

Quinn: You get a haircut?

Anderson: Man, I wish Notre Dame had like an 8-year football program. That way you'd still be there.

Silence.

Anderson: I didn't mean that, I'm sorry.

Quinn: It's cool.

Silence. Quinn touches the brail below the "2" elevator button.

Quinn: Hey man, the first three games aren't entirely on your shoulders -- I just want you to know that.

Anderson: Who said they were?

Silence.

Quinn: Boy, this sure is a slow elevator.

Silence.

Elevator doors open. 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey is standing on the other side and blankly stares at both Quinn and Anderson.

Dorsey: I'll catch the next one.

Quinn: No, come on in, there's plenty--

Dorsey runs away and the doors shut.

Quinn: Hey, you see The Dark Knight yet? It was pretty awesome.

Anderson: We played three tough teams -- with three top-notch defenses. You really think you could have done better?

Silence. Quinn begins to whistle the theme song to "Step By Step."

Elevator doors open to top floor and Quinn steps out into hallway.

Anderson: Hey Brady.

Quinn turns around.

Quinn: Yeah?

Anderson: Just promise me one thing.

Quinn: What's that?

Anderson: Give me your word that every Sunday you'll do everything in your power to take care of my men.

Quinn: You know I will.

The doors begin to close. Anderson slumps his head down and throws up an open hand into the air. Doors shut.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You...Dave Burba

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 20:55:00 +0000

International man of wonder, Dave Burba, was recently featured in a "Where are they now?" piece for Indians.com. The standout nugget of info that emerges from the story is definitely this:

"(Burba) recently finished filming his acting debut in an upcoming movie..."

What? Burba's going to be a movie star? Wow, I don't even know where to begin. First off -- genius casting for whatever role in whatever kind of movie this is. I mean, really, what took this long to put Burba in front of a camera anyway? I guarantee you in two years Hollywood producers will be kicking themselves for overlooking Burba in favor of Clooney, Pitt or McConaughey.

So I guess the real question here is just what kind of acting role could possibly be grand enough for Dave Burba? I honestly can't imagine him NOT portraying someone along the lines Genghis Khan, George Washington, or a 100-foot tall alien robot who can kill people just by thinking about it. Any part not on par with those would just be an insult.

The anticipation for this movie's release is already beginning to eat away at my consciousness. The only thing keeping me from total self-destruction is knowing that next year's Oscar for Best Actor is already secured.

Cooking with Shaun Rogers

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 08:32:00 +0000

Hi, Shaun Rogers here. When I'm not devouring quarterbacks on the field, you can usually find me devouring delicious meals in the kitchen. However, what many of you probably don't know is that I personally prepare and cook almost all of the food I eat.

Today I'd like to share an old family recipe with you I cook up and serve quite often. It's easy, fun, and as you'll see, fairly well-balanced. It's called "4 Layers to the Sun" and it's a lasagna dish.

4 Layers to the Sun

Step 1: First, you want to begin with the base of the dish -- the sauce. In my travels, I've come to find that if you prepare a good sauce, everything else will usually fall in line. For "4 Layers" you want to mix two 4 cans of tomato paste with a one pound of ground beef, one pound of smoked ham, 1/2 pound of sausage, 1/2 pound of turkey breast, 1/3 pound of pork, 1/3 pound of venison, and 12 strips of boiled bacon.

Step 2: In a separate bowl melt 2 sticks of salted butter and mix in chopped onions, celery, carrots, broccoli, red peppers, green peppers, eggplant, mangos and garlic. Combine the meat sauce with the butter and veggies and let simmer on low heat for one hour.

Step 3: Carefully add your lasagna noodles into 4 cups of boiling water. For a extra punch I like to splash in a couple tablespoons of Mountain Dew to the boiling water.

Step 4: Lay your bottom noodle into a well greased (I use ranch dressing) 8x12 pan.

Step 5: Ok, it's time for layer one! I like to think of my lasagna as structurally sound -- which is why my base layer is filled with 3 Texas T-bone steaks. When laying the steaks in, you may have to put on your best "jig-saw puzzle hat" for rearranging. When the T-bones are in there nice and snug, cover them with a generous stack of fried onion rings and a half bottle of A-1 steak sauce. Finally, pour on a nice coating of your simmering meat sauce.

Step 6: The next section is what I like to call the "rise and shine layer." Why? It's primarily breakfast foods. Start with 6 pieces of french toast arranged on top of a fresh noodle. Then set down a thin blanket of Canadian bacon followed by 8 over-easy eggs. Top with 2 cups of Trix cereal and a helping of fresh maple syrup. Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.

Step 7: For the third layer you'll want to prepare your taste buds for a 'journey under the sea.' Begin by spooning and spreading out 2 cans of dolphin unsafe tuna. Place 2-3 (depending on their size) soft-shell blue crabs atop the tuna and cover with 8oz of tartar sauce. Lastly, top with 1/2 pound of minced Humpback whale blubber (which you should be able to find on the Internet). Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.

Step 8: The final layer in "4 Layers to the Sun" is aimed to satisfy your sweet tooth. Begin by lining the naked noodle with 14 Swiss Cake Rolls. Next you will need the bottoms of 20-30 Snickers bars (use a cheese cutter to slice off the underbelly, just before the peanuts) and stack the nougat slivers in neat rows. Follow that with a thick layer of New York cheesecake filling followed with a coating of jet-puffed marshmallows. Drizzle with Hersey's chocolate syrup, secure top noodle, and empty your remaining meat sauce onto the lasagna.

Step 9: Sprinkle dish with handfuls of mozzarella, pepperjack, Colby, Swiss, muenster, cheddar, provolone, brie, feta, parmigiana, and nacho cheese.

Step 10: Bake in oven at 350 degrees for 3 hours.

Step 11: Grab a spork and enjoy! "4 Layers to the Sun" feeds 1-1 and 1/2 people and is best served with a tall glass of Diet Pepsi.

Indians 2009 Schedule

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 08:32:00 +0000

At this point, the only thing a fan of the Cleveland Indians really has to look forward to is next year. Well, next year just got a little bit closer this week as Major League Baseball released the 2009 schedule. Below are some of the highlights:

--The Indians begin the season on April 6th with a 3 game series against the Rangers in Texas.

--The home opener at Insurance Company Field is April 10th with the Toronto Blue Jays.

--April 16th, the Tribe will play the very first game against the NY Yankees at their new stadium in the Bronx. This will be a great chance for the Indians to usher in a new losing era of Yankee baseball.

--The Atlanta Braves will pay a visit to Cleveland during the weekend of June 21st -- but not to play baseball, just to hang out.

--Because of a scheduling typo that Major League Baseball cannot fix, 2 of the Indians August "day" games will be played at 1:05AM rather than 1:05PM.

--May 25 will be "Fan Unappreciation Day." Vendors will only dispense 2 dollar bills and Canadian coins as change, the PA system will produce a constant hiss of feedback, and the jumbotron will display a giant middle finger all game long.

--During the weekend series of August 21-23, Indians players will wear retro home jerseys from the year 2006.

5 Things Not to Watch For In Cleveland vs. Pittsburgh

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 05:18:00 +0000

vs.

The Browns face the hated Steelers this Sunday night in Cleveland and the whole world will be watching. By now you know the story -- the injuries, the matchups, the 9 straight losses to Pittsburgh -- it's going to be statement game for the Browns (whatever that means) one way or the other. So, with that said, here are 5 things NOT to look out for at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Sunday night. Remember, these are all meaningless questions/thoughts to pay absolutely no attention to:

1. Will every (or any) Derek Anderson interception be followed by a reaction shot of backup QB Brady Quinn?

2. With one more sack, linebacker Kamerion Wimbley reaches a career total of 17 -- putting him 183 behind all-time leader Bruce Smith.

3. If down big, late in the game, how will the Browns defense respond to Ben Roethlisberger taking a knee?

4. Will 3rd string QB Ken Dorsey even bother to carry a helmet out onto the sidelines?

5. If/when Josh Cribbs has a decent kick return, who will be the first broadcaster to exclaim, "this is Josh's Cribb!"?

"Are You Serious, He'll Shake You Like Jell-O"

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:36:00 +0000

Move over 87Hizzetfield -- the Cleveland sports Internet music scene just got an upgrade. Earlier this week a LeBron superfan, who calls himself "lebronjames750", released the following music video, appropriately titled "LeBron James Song."

Some quick thoughts:

--The first 11 seconds of this video are by far my favorite part. From now on I plan to enter every music filled room with those exact moves -- especially the Mermaid-ish backstroke diddy.

--2 identical wine colored jerseys? My theory -- he put the jersey on his Christmas list and both his Grandmas bought one. After opening the second he just figured, "shit, you can't have too many LBJ shirts."

--The posters in his "cross-over garage" (at :36) are very peculiar. Near the left of the frame, you will find a white sign with a drawing of a hoop and ball (the ball is twice the size of the hoop) that simply reads "SCORE." Really? Score? Maybe it's some kind of "meta" observation on modern athletics -- I mean, "score" is the object of all sports after all.

--If lebronjames750 is right -- and LeBron James' does indeed fire off a gun on the court this season -- I really hope he shoots Kirk Heinrich.

--At first, the finger snapping near the end caught me off guard. However, after several viewings I must admit, it's a nice touch. Very "Fiddler on the Roof."

The Hands Make the Man

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 07:23:00 +0000

There are at least a dozen reasons why the Browns lost their first game of the season to the Cowboys this Sunday. The defense failed to pressure Tony Romo, the secondary couldn't keep up with T.O., and Derek Anderson never got into any kind of passing rhythm. Buried in the losing mix, however, is Braylon Edwards' 3 (some will argue 4) dropped passes.

No one took the loss more personal than Braylon Edwards -- and no one took the blame any harder than the hands of Braylon Edwards...from Braylon Edwards. Confused? Me too. Below is an account of the conversation Edwards' had with his very own hands after the game.

Sunday -- 10:30 PM -- The Home of Braylon Edwards

Alone, Braylon stands in his kitchen, staring down at his hands -- palm side up -- in utter disappointment.

Edwards: Alright guys, it's time to have a talk. Now, Mike (left hand), Spike (right hand), you know we wouldn't be having this discussion if it wasn't 100 percent necessary. But he fact is -- this afternoon was a complete joke -- the two of you made Braylon Edwards look like a total butt turkey on national TV and I'm having a hard time even looking at you right now. It was probably the most embarrassed I've ever been in my entire life. Now, usually when Braylon has a bad game, the blame is shared all around. I make a point to never single out you -- or Xavier and William (legs), Roberto and Reginald (feet), and Nicolas and Sebastian (eyes). However, today is an exception. You guys really let me down. It was like we'd never even worked together before -- like you were attached to this body just hours before kickoff. I mean, what were you thinking? Why would you want to do this to me after all I've done for you guys? When did the two of you get together and decide to give up on the game? You are Mike and Spike -- you are part of a team, a winning team. Along with the others you help make up the greatest receiving specimen on earth: Braylon Jamel Edwards. You will not fail me again!

(Edwards turns the gas burner on his stove top to 'high').

I am only doing this because I love you. I am only doing this because I want to see you succeed. If Xavier or Sebastian ever sabotaged Braylon's performance as badly as you did this afternoon, they would get the exact same treatment. Alright, hold on my babies...

(Edwards places both his hands over the stove top flames and lets out a monstrous scream. After 3 seconds of burning he pulls away).

(grimacing) I hope you've learned your lesson. I look forward to working with you again next week because I know the two of you are winners and I can't think of anyone else on the planet I would rather have attached to my arms. Alright, its time for you guys to sleep now. Goodnight Mike. Goodnight Spike.

(Edwards slips his hands into a pair of winter gloves filled with hand lotion).

5 Things Not to Watch For In Cleveland vs. Dallas

noreply@blogger.com (Todd S.) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 06:43:00 +0000

vs.

The Cleveland Browns kickoff their season this Sunday with a match against the visiting Dallas Cowboys. At this point in the week most fans know exactly what to anticipate in the game as far as matchups, gameplay, and potential injuries. With that said I'd like to share with you 5 things NOT to look out for this Sunday in Cleveland. Remember, these are all unimportant questions/thoughts to pay absolutely no attention to:

1. Will special teams player Ryan Pontbriand see any early action -- and if so, how will he respond?

2. What kind of Browns cap will injured receiver Joe Jurevicius be wearing on the sidelines? Maybe this one?

3. Will Cleveland announcer Jimmy Donovan mention the Super Bowl ring Bernie Kosar won in Dallas at any point during his broadcast?

4. Will a number 8 receiver finally step up for the Browns?

5. If Coach Romeo Crennel is forced to challenge a play will he toss his red flag underhand or overhand?