The Days After the Affair

Separation - Day Nineteen

2011-11-26T08:13:00.000-06:00

Well, Thanksgiving came and went. It was a lonely day without him. My sister came to visit to help me figure my life out and we had a simple Thanksgiving dinner with my children... complete with lots of pie and goodies, yet none of it filled the void that his absence created. I tried to be in good spirits for my babies, but it was difficult. I cant believe that he is choosing this, after everything we have been through. I cant imagine how lonely he is feeling... not that I pity him, I just dont understand why he would make a decision that seems so horrible for everyone. I feel so lost and unsure of everything in my future.

We still haven't told the kids or most of our family members. He is not certain he wants to tell anyone just yet, which brings me a little hope that he wants to reconcile but its so hard to tell what he wants... he doesn't even know. I am trying to not be too hopeful for a future together, but I cant help it. I want to prepare myself for the worse, but I cant help but wish and pray for our family to be together again. I try to imagine sharing my life with another person, but it seems so impossible. I am so tired and anxious and sad and angry and lonely. I just want to feel normal again. I suppose if you truly love someone, you wouldn't put them through this shit. Maybe he just doesn't love me. Why cant I just believe that and move on?

Separation - Day Eight

2011-11-15T13:53:00.000-06:00

He found an apartment, its ready this weekend and we have started discussing which pieces of furniture we purchased together to go under one roof will now be split between two. This is all so surreal. I still don't understand why I am the one who was so painfully betrayed yet HE is the one who cant live with the decision HE made and is leaving ME. I am asking God for clarity on this, but haven't been able to see the answer. He is staying at our house this week while he prepares for the move, which is tremendously uncomfortable but at least I now know that he is not with the yogurt whore... she would let him stay with her. He came to me saying he had nowhere to sleep, so I had to oblige. Thankfully, I work every night this week so the time spent at home together in the massive discomfort will be short and he has promised to leave for work before I wake up. My poor kids miss their dad so much. They are used to breakfasts with him and days off spent at home.

I have no idea what to do or how to handle this.

Separation - Day Six

2011-11-13T11:29:00.000-06:00

As much I long to write everyday, its impossible. These past few days have been so hard and busy and crazy and complicated... ugh. I have been working as much as possible, trying to give my kids some sense of normalcy and trying to figure out all this crap. By nature, I am a do-er. I take action. As I have gone through the last six days I can do nothing but think about ALL of the action that needs to be taken... pack the house, separate our belongings, sell the house, find a new house, save money, work more, etc, etc. So, being the action taker that I am, I purchased plastic bins for clothing, gathered boxes, started cleaning out closets and filled my car with items to go to the Goodwill. Boxes for him, boxes for me. This was a mistake... as I was knee deep in the proof of our life together, I couldn't help but sob as I packed away his old beach towels from the stadium he worked at years ago, his bobble head collection, DVD's and video games that he loves, and so on. His clothes are still in our closet while he is staying at a hotel and all I want to do is rip them from their hangers and hold them close to me. His cologne is gone and, thus, so is the smell that remains when he leaves for work in the morning. A smell I am longing for. My children seem unscathed thus far, but that will change as soon as they realize he may not be coming home... ever.

We have had some pleasant conversations about the kids these past few days, but that just leaves me heartbroken when its over. During the only conversation we had about us, he admitted that this is much harder than he thought and he does miss me, but his vision is cloudy as a result of the torrential storm we have been through since his affair. I admitted to my own wrong doings over the past six months... making him feel worthless by constantly griping about how "I do everything around here", creating more guilt in him by blaming everything wrong in my life on his stupid affair and always holding him responsible for my leaving my family and my home. The truth to it all is that I do acknowledge my role in this. I am not to blame, but I havent been an angel. While he was the one who cheated, I am the one who decided to stay and work it out and I have not been making anything easy on either of us. I, admittedly, have wanted him to feel shitty about it, over and over again. We never stood a chance with that attitude from me. There needs to be forgiveness on both sides and I have presented a major road block in that, of course he feels shitty... that's what I was trying to achieve!! Well, be careful what you wish for. Now he is gone, thinks we don't need or want him and is so filled with guilt that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to get through this and continue building this life together.

This conversation was helpful, though. I told him that he did need to leave to figure it all out because he obviously wasnt going to do it here. I told him I was going to stop begging him to come home and stop making him feel guilty for having left. My role now is to move forward with my children while still hoping this all turns around in the future. I know he may not ever come home and I am starting to accept that, but I am not giving up hope. I believe that we can be great again. This may all fade away as time goes on and I strongly believe that I will be just fine, regardless of the outcome. My job is giving me strength, a distraction and an independence that I desperately needed throughout all of this. My kids have been so well behaved and awesome this week, I cant begin to express the love I have for those two.

For now, I am trying to stop with the action until I am more ready for it. The packing and planning and cleaning is all too much for me.

Separation - Day Two

2011-11-09T09:08:00.000-06:00

This morning it hit me like a freight train. He is leaving. My face is swollen from crying, my bed is lonely since he has been sleeping in the guest room and my house feels cold and sad. He is making arrangements to stay at our friends hotel until he finds an apartment and we attempted to work out the new budget last night.

Before he left for work this morning, I begged and pleaded with him to reconsider. I have all these plans in my head and I don't want to change them. Our disneyland vacation next summer, his favorite pies and meals I was going to make, the Christmas morning surprises for our children... its all fading away. I want this to all go away, I want him here. I want him to want to be here. He doesn't. He wants to be "in love" and he doesn't know what that feels like.

To give you a little history on him and his issues with being "in love," he called off a wedding to a woman years ago after they had been together for five years because he wasn't in love with her, they had to turned into good friends. He lost his father to cancer at ten years old and his mother never remarried, so he was never exposed to the workings of a functioning relationship. His brother is married to a woman that nobody understands or sees how he can possibly love her, so my husband doesn't believe its true love. He doesn't understand that the spark of love ebbs and flows as life changes and will always return, if you work to make it happen. He doesn't get that being married to your best friend is what most people dream about, not the constant butterflies in your stomach love that fades as you become real people to each other.

I don't think he is in contact with the Cassie the yogurt whore, or anyone else for that matter. He feels as though he has disappointed his family in an unforgivable way and told me he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself for it and he doesn't think he deserves it. If he is in contact with her, then he is truly a monster and I will pack up my kids and head back home without his permission, because we all deserve someone better than that, but I feel confident that he is NOT that man.

Today hurts. It feels real and its happening. I want to crawl back into my giant sad bed and cry my eyes out, but I have to work and care for my children who do not deserve any of this. That seems to be the theme of this blog... my children do not deserve this.

Separation - Day One

2011-11-08T10:31:00.000-06:00

Well, it finally happened. He told me last night that he wants to separate. He thinks I am amazing, selfless and deserving of a man who can love me more than he does. He is incapable of the love I need, he says. He takes me for granted, he says. He thinks that leaving will put things in perspective for him. He may realize he does love me enough or at least has a desire to get to that point, working through his issues and all while being separated. I called him a coward, told him how selfISH he is. Who puts their kids through shit like this?!?!

Last night, I heard many of the things I have longed to hear from him... followed by the statement I never wanted to hear... "I love you. You are my best friend. You are an amazing mother and one of the most selfless people I know. You do everything for us and you expect nothing in return but love... and I cant give you the love you deserve." He said he has never been "in love" with anyone and doesn't even know what it looks or feels like. I am different than other girls, obviously, but he still feels a void in his heart... a void he knows exists because of him and not me.

I am convinced that he thinks he is going to move out, realize how sad his life is without me and the kids in it and come back with all of these amazing feelings of butterflies and roses and all things sun-shiny. He is so wrong and only I know it. He will leave, I will be resentful then we will fight over the complications this will create (emotionally, financially, physically) and bitterness will set in over him making me leave my home many years ago for his career and him not allowing me to return now. We will sell our house for less than what we paid in order to get out quickly, move our kids to an apartment or small rental home and his money hungryness will go into full effect, eventually forcing me to work full time and lose the time I get to spend with my kids. I already picked up a part time job at a drop in day care center so I can spend time with my kids AND make money, along with watching a friends baby two days a week... that money will now be used to pay for his apartment. My daughter starts kindergarten next year and will have to go to bed much earlier than she does now, often waiting up for him to get off work. With him out of the house, he will lose so much time with her. He will change the bond he has created with both of them. He will change them forever. My 3 year old son may never remember a time when daddy lived at home.

This morning, during snack time, my son asked if he could eat his raisins in "daddy's chair" at the kitchen table and I almost lost my shit thinking that daddy just gave up that seat at this table.

Six and a half months out

2011-10-26T17:53:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that its been 6 1/2 months since my heart was so brutally ripped out of my chest and violently stomped on... what a whirlwind. Strangely, I don't think of the affair as often as I thought would at this point and my marriage has improved in certain areas. We communicate better and are more honest with one another, our sex life is perfect, we enjoy each others company more and we make more efforts to remove the kids from our lives for short periods of time. I would have liked it if this improvement was brought on after a less traumatizing event, but if there is anything I have learned from all of this is that I cant live in the "what if"'s of life and I certainly cant continue to wish that things hadn't happened. Had it not been for my LAST failed marriage, I may not have ever met my husband or had my children. I am not so delusional that I am searching for a silver lining here, I am just realistic about our lives being mapped out by something greater than us and I am trying to roll with it the best I can.

My current situation is much less tumultuous. The fighting and anger have subsided a lot and I am starting to feel that I can actually live a normal life. I would have never thought I would be able to get to this point and I honestly didn't expect it to ever occur, but its almost here. I really thought that I would go through the motions of giving it a year and I would wind up walking away, but I am more certain that we can get through this together. I am still deathly afraid sometimes that he is still with her and I have a massive amount of anger towards her (I even posted a nasty anonymous comment about her yogurt stands sweet tea pickles at the Texas State Fair this year and sent a group of drunken girlfriends to her yogurt shop at Grapevine's Grapefest this year). This, too, is slowly fading. I still struggle with my appetite and smoking (a habit I happily quit when I was pregnant with my oldest 5 years ago and picked up again when my husband cheated), but that too is improving. I haven't lost anymore weight, but am struggling to gain the few pounds I need to be healthy. 107 pounds at 5'5" looks much more sickly than I imagined it would! I left my work at home job and got a part time position at a local playcare facility so I don't have to leave my kids but still bring in money (part of which I am hiding in case this does all go south). Working outside my house has been a relief... it fills my days so I don't get stuck in my head so much and it gives me a sense of worth that I had been lacking. I had never planned to be a stay home mom and I really think it changed me. I needed to get back the working part of myself without compromising the precious time I have with my kids, especially with my daughter starting kindergarten next year. My husband has seen a change in me as well, which has made this all easier on him. I KNOW, it shouldn't be easy for him at all... but it has to get easier for everyone or we will never move past this. He no longer feels like he ruined me, and that's important no matter what happens next.

He is a different story. One night we went out for drinks for my birthday and the you-know-what hit the proverbial fan. I really thought he was leaving. He said he still didn't love me the way I deserve and was struggling with the feelings he was having. He couldn't even bring himself to write me a card for my birthday, knowing how important that is to me. I simply informed him that he loves me more than he thinks he does. That sounds like a scene out of a B rated stalker film, but its true. His dad died when he was 10 and his mother never attempted to remarry or date or anything... thus leaving a boy to never know what a real relationship looks like. He thinks its butterflies and roses all the time. Its not. I come from a broken divorced home but still managed to spend a considerable amount of time with friends families to see what happens when love and life and kids collide to bring about an amazing friendship that can conquer anything thrown at it and still is attractive when naked, even after two kids. THAT'S my idea of true love. My best friend, my co-parent, my confidant and my lover... all rolled into one aging, adorable man who needs me as much as I need him. He doesn't even know what he has and I am making it my mission to show him how great we can be together, even on the heels of HIS affair. I deserve a fucking medal for this. I am putting my own drama aside (which is much more selfish than it sounds) and focusing on him realizing how much he truly does love me.

Please don't stop reading my blog once you read that last statement. I know it sounds ridiculous... I happen to be a very intelligent woman who loves her family more than anything and I have this weird little feeling in my gut that tells me that there is more to this relationship and I feel strongly about wanting to try to show him what love is. I realize that I might very well be completely and totally unsuccessful in this, but its worth a shot. I am at a point now that I KNOW I will be okay, no matter what. I have seen a support system in my life that I never knew existed and I feel empowered... I know I can do this without him, but I am choosing to do this with him. This is a choice and I reserve the right to change my mind and kick his ass to the curb if the need arises.

Since my birthday/epiphany things have been pretty great. I stopped asking why he didn't kiss me as soon as he walked in the door, I stopped saying I love you all the time (realizing that I only said it to hear him reciprocate), I stopped bombarding him with my crazy as soon as it reared its ugly head and I started living my life for me and it has changed him too. He is starting to see me as the capable, successful woman I was when we first met. I feel powerful and amazing. I want nothing more than to live my life with him, but I am going to be totally okay if he bails.

A letter to him...

2011-09-21T11:04:00.000-05:00

This morning I started thinking, again, of all the things that have made me sad, angry, hurt, etc and started drafting a letter to him. I dont know that I will ever give it to him, as I am afraid its too mean to be anything that could help our broken little marriage. If our marriage ends, then he may get it... we will have to see.

"Because of you I feel anger more than ever. Whether it be in flashes of hatred towards her, moments of anger towards you or long lasting periods where everything pisses me off, I have never been filled with so much of it. Because of you, I have had brief moments where I resent my kids a little... without them I would have walked away months ago and not dealt with the shit you have handed me. Because of you I feel unsatisfied with myself and the person I am becoming. As a young girl, I dreamed of a wonderful, fulfilled life overflowing with love and successes... success not so much in the career or monetary sense, but in the small accomplishments that shape our lives. Now, I am living a life I should not be living, I have become a person I never should have been, am settling for a man who doesnt even know if he can ever me or anyone else, and feel completely unsuccessful with most everything in my life. Because of you I left my friends and family several states away so you could spend more time with our family. You chose to spend that time with someone else and I am stuck in a place I loathe, in a house I dont want and a city that doesnt contain all of the caring, wonderful people that await me back home. Because of you I have lost myself. I dont even know who I am and cannot control my crazy. Because of you I have spent less time with our children and more time on the internet trying to track your every move, obsessing over cell phone records and credit card receipts to make sure you are not still in a relationship with Cassie the Yogurt Whore. Because of you I am embarrassed of my life. I have not shared the details of your disgusting series of acts with many that are close to me because I am so embarrassed that I have allowed you to stay in my life and cannot imagine being able to stand on my own two feet without you. Because of you I feel weak. I should be able to handle my life without you in it, but your lies have forced me to question everything I have ever felt about myself and my ability to live this life without you. Because of you I feel like I am letting our beautiful daughter down by allowing her to see me staying in a relationship that only hurts me. Because of you I am sick. I can no longer eat enough to maintain a healthy body weight, using food as the only thing I can control in my life since you have showed me that I cannot control much else. I only eat when you are around, because when you arent my thoughts take over and my appetite ceases. I dont want food anymore. I only want the horrible overcaffeinated, jittery feeling in my stomach that I have grown used to. Because of you, I only feel comforted when you are home, but not comforted enough. The only comfort I find is that you are not with her. Because of you I am ashamed and almost glad that my father is not alive to see the person I have become.

Why did I let you do this? Why am I allowing you to make me feel so worthless and weak and out of control? "

Day 101 - whatever...

2011-09-08T09:11:00.000-05:00

I have finally stopped counting the days and writing regularly. I cant bring myself to constantly post the same feelings and experiences, as it all is starting to resemble a cycle of some sort… good day, okay day, bad day, so on and so forth. My pain is still here, although it disappears for longer periods of time these days and my crazy has subsided as well. It’s not gone, but it seems as though I mostly repeat old crazies, which doesn’t compel me to write nearly as much.

I am 99% confident that he no longer has contact with Cassie the Yogurt Whore, but there is still that part of me that sometimes doubts every move he makes. I found her address, google searched it and, unfortunately, now have a vivid picture of their little love nest that is a mere 11 minutes from his office. I wish I didn’t know that, I wish I hadn’t seen her house on Zillow and looked at pictures of her bedroom and bathroom and all the places they potentially had sex or made plans for their future.

I had a new level of heart break recently when a truthful conversation between the two of us revealed that he doesn’t know how to love or receive love... even from me. He doesn’t know if he will ever love anyone (besides our children) the way he should or they deserve. At least that means he didnt love her either, right? He is in counseling but this revelation… that the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, is afraid to both love me and receive the love that I love to give him, and have worked so hard to rebuild these past several months... broke my heart. To this, words cannot express my pain nor is there anyway to fully describe the conversation to not make him out to be a douche bag. All I know now is that there is so much more work to be done, and that work may not be fruitful. I may still end up living a life without him in it because I refuse to not be loved the way I deserve. I asked him once, after I was suspicious over a post of hers on Facebook that brought on an unpleasant, frustrating argument, how he expected me to be confident that he is not still with her when he cant even tell me that he really, truly loves me OR feels the love that I give him? He was speechless for a moment then simply said “youre right.” He hadn’t taken the time to see this all through my eyes yet, and that question opened those eyes to what I was going through. Counseling for him has been good, but he recently realized that maybe its time to focus on US. I don’t know what that will bring, as his hectic work schedule has once again disrupted our lives, but it’s a start. I hope to be in couples counseling by the end of the month, but the caring, accommodating mom in me wants to be sure HE is ready for it. I want to know that HE wants it and is opened to it and I, being somewhat of a doormat, don’t want to inconvenience him with my counseling needs. I realize that is nuts! I cant continue to allow him and his issues to dictate my life, but its all easier said than done. I hope that counseling will bring some sort of change to that part of my personality. I am tired of living my life for him, but I did that to myself. He did the rest, though, don’t get me wrong.

For now, I write when I have a new revelation or when I can put into different words the experiences or emotions I am having. Things aren’t really that bad around here, considering. I have been working from home, giving my life a bit more meaning (and less free time to think about this horrible thing he did to our family). We have spent a lot of time as a family, have made extra efforts to have alone time and quality date nights and have actually gone a few days without my bringing up the affair. Its all a start, but with so many underlying issues I don’t know if its enough. I do know that, for the time being, I am still committed to making this work. I know that I am amazing and that he has no reason, except fear, to not love me. I am hopeful that this fear will disappear and he will realize the great woman that stands before him, loving him with everything in her and he will love her with ALL of his stupid, foolish heart.

Here’s to hoping!

Days Ninety Two-One Hundred

2011-08-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

Well, this past week has been quite the whirlwind... not in terms of the affair, but in life in general. I finally got my laptop back (it was being repaired) and instead of retyping all of my entries that I have hand written everday (I dont know if I have the time with two kids to care for and a house to keep up!), I thought I would give a brief description of the past week in one post.

On day ninety two, my mother in law came to stay with us for the first time since her visit just one day after my second D Day... it was so hard to have her here as her presence brought back so many emotions from those first few weeks. She was here the day I left for my solo visit to Washington after I discovered that my husband was still talking to the yogurt whore two weeks after I found out about the affair. She came to my house and saw it in complete disaray (which is rare for me!). She heard my four year old tell her that mommy told daddy to get out of the house. Her son told her he cheated while I was in Washington trying to figure out what to do. All of this flooded my brain as I picked her up that afternoon. As her visit went on, I faded in and out of silence, just trying to get through it. I had moments of sadness that I had to hide, for fear of telling her all of the things I was sure she didnt know... he introduced her grandchildren to his slutty girlfriend, he gave up precious time with them to be with her, he broke my heart so much that I have only recently been able to get back to keeping up the house and spending quality time with my children (which is all very important to her, as she was a stay home mom herself). We tried to stay busy and I tried to keep a smile on my face, but the comments about my weight and appetite kept flying out of her mouth, constantly reminding me why I cant eat and why I look so frail. She meant well, but slowly ate away at me for the seven days that she was here. My husband took some time off work to spend with us and that brought me some comfort, but as soon as he returned to work yesterday I felt it all again and she kept on with her comments. "Youre so thin." "Are you sure you dont want to eat some more?" "Are you losing weight on purpose?" Ugh.

The best part of her visit was the overnight date my husband and I had this past weekend. He planned it all out... dinner at a great restaurant then a comedy show followed by a hotel stay at a nice, hip hotel downtown and finished off with a wonderful breakfast the next morning. We had a blast! Dinner was filled with great food and even greater conversation, the comedy show was hilarious and the drinks we had after were fun and flirty, making for quite the amazing night in the hotel, where we stayed up late in the throws of passion. We awoke the next morning with even more passion, a shower and a nice breakfast... just the two of us. Its been over two years since we have done anything like that and it was almost magical, had it not been for the horrible images of his passionate hotel nights with her. I feel like this will never go away.

My mother in law left this morning, leaving me to take a deep breath and feel all of the emotions I hid while she was here. I cried as the car pulled away, finally able to really let this all out. I am still in such shock that this is all happening to me. That he did this to me. To us. Hiding it has been so difficult, mainly because I wanted her to see what her son did to me, but I also didnt want to relive it. I didnt want to drag any other innocent parties into this mess. While her and my husband were alone running errands one afternoon, she asked him how everything was going between us. He was honest and said that we still had a long road ahead of us and she said "well, she seems to be doing great, but I see it in her eyes that she is hurt." So true. She also said that she was nervous about her trip as well and has been pleased that we both pretended like it never happened. That pissed me off, for some reason, so I casually brought it up a few times. Once I referenced my sisters last trip here, stating that "everything was such a disaster here, she wasnt able to fully enjoy her visit" and "she was ready to move here to help me since I was planning on leaving your son." Then, I mentioned that moving wasnt in the cards of us, "unless it didnt work out between us." I also told her that I wasnt going to move for him again, as I had done it so many times before and "we both know how he decided to treat me."

Was it a little much? Probably. But, I just couldnt let her go home without knowing that I wasnt going to always pretend like this didnt happen. This is part of my life now, and I know its not her fault but I want her to know that (1) if we dont make it through this, its becuase of what he did and I tried to get past it and (2) if we do make it through this, how strong I am and how much pain I had to overcome.

Now, she is gone and I hope to get back to the place I was before she arrived. I was getting stronger, feeling more in control of myself and ready to work it out with him. I hope that the flood of memories did not set me back... I need forward movement. I need hope for the future.

Day Ninety One

2011-07-31T15:47:00.000-05:00

Managed to crawl out of bed on my own today and made it to church... of course we were late so we were seated in the middle of a crowded aisle and behind the tallest person in Texas. Attempting to move my neck to see the pastor was incredibly painful, but I kept doing it, I couldnt help it.

Todays sermon was about praying, the power of prayer and the fact that we basically need to annoy God with our incessant praying to get what He thinks we need out of it. The visiting pastor talked a lot about Gods plan for us and about how, when our prayers arent answered, there is a reason for that and only God knows that reason. I cant help but think about God putting me in this position AGAIN and what positive outcome I am supposed to experience from having my heart blown to a million tiny pieces. Whatever it is, I am closer and closer to surrendering my whole life to Him to get the answers. Today was the first day I didnt cry in church, instead I left very determined to annoy Him with my prayers so that I can finally be heard and he will finally bring me some peace. Throughout all of this affair nonsense, I havent had a moment of peace.

Day Ninety

2011-07-31T15:36:00.000-05:00

My saturday was spent on the couch, in pain, nursing a pinched nerve in my neck that cascaded down my spine and made my fingertips tingle. Terrible. I havent felt like this since I was rear ended 10 years ago... and all I did was do the hokey pokey at the library yesterday!

When I woke up I was unable to get out of bed without help. He was so good, lifted me so gently and winced at my groans of pain. He insisted on taking the kids to his brothers for the day so I could be alone with my bum shoulder and pain. It worked. I sat all day, did nothing productive and wallowed in my dirty house (he is a good nurse, not a good maid). I didnt even care about the messy house... I just felt the horrible pain and watched tons of Bravo, TLC and Lifetime reruns all day. I got all caught up on Project Runway and Millionare Matchmaker!

He came home that night with tons of food from the restaurant he took the kids to for dinner and even yummy desserts. Again, he was sweet and gentle, insisting on doing everything and not seeming bitter at all that his weekend was spent caring for me.

Day Eighty Nine

2011-07-31T15:26:00.000-05:00

I thought I would be the first on up today, since he had his wild boys night last night, but he shocked me by getting up to work out at his usual time. I guess he really was telling the truth when he said he didnt "really drink much at all." A good start to the day.

We had a wild afternoon planned at the local library, where there was a summer dance party taking place! The kids and I had a blast, until I pulled something in my shoulder that rendered me useless the rest of the day... I hurried home and put the kids down for naps then called him to come home. It was the first time I had ever had to call him to my aide, and he dropped everything and got home as quickly as he could. I have had stomach flus, been pregnant and all sorts of other ailments and have never needed him to leave work, so he knew it was serious. By the time he got home, the kids had just woken up from their naps and were ready adn rarin to go! Of course, we were out of everything in the fridge and had nothing for dinner (the plan was to hit the grocery store on the way home from the library today), so he wrangled the kids and headed to the store while I lay on the couch, alternating heat and ice and in excruciating pain. He was so good to me tonight, very attentive, got my favorite ice cream and even picked up a movie for us to watch. He took care of everythign adn wouldnt allow me to lift a finger. I felt cared for and love. In all that time laying by myself on the couch, I didnt think about the affair once. He cared for me so well that it never even crossed my mind.

Day Eighty Eight

2011-07-28T09:25:00.000-05:00

First thing this morning, he informed me that he was going to dinner with his best friend (who knows about the affair and he and his wife have been a huge support system for us) tonight. His wife has been out of town and he wanted one boys night before she returned. I was very okay with it, until he told me where they were going... to a Hooters style restaurant. I was furious. I know it seems silly, but given the circumstances and my recent low self esteem about everything about me I wanted him to actually THINK about the restaurant choice he made. A place filled with young, hot barely dressed women? I dont think so. I took a moment to take a shower and reflect about how I was going to approach this without making it an attack. At breakfast, I simply said "I am upset about the restaurant choice you made for tonight. I feel less attractive than ever lately and knowing you will be going out gawking at other women is not helping that." He responded with "I dont think you have anything to worry about." I mistook that and said "you dont THINK I have anything to worry about?!?!" I thought he was saying that he didnt think I had anything to worry about in regard to him cheating again, as though he might someday cheat again, but he didnt THINK I should worry. He was frustrated and left the table, saying "Ugh! Nevermind, forget it!" I quickly realized what he was trying to say, that he didnt think I was unattractive. I tried to tell him, to calm him down and make him realize that I mistook what he said and it upset me. It took a few moments for him to calm down as well and he said "you are very attractive to me and I am not going to look at other women, I am going to hang out with my best friend. We only chose this place because its new and thought it would have a fun atmosphere." Again, he just doesnt get it. I am not only upset about him wanting to go to this place tonight, I am also upset that it didnt even occur to him that a place like this would make me uncomfortable. Why cant he think about these things?

I began crying a little, trying so hard to shield it from my kids.  They were obviously concerned and my four year old yelled at him and said "Daddy, stop making Mommy so sad all the time!" That was it, I lost it. I rushed out of the room, told them I bumped my head and tried to compose myself. I hate that they know what mommy being sad looks like. I hate that they have to see this. I hate that someday they might look back and wonder why mommy bumped her head all the time. He dealt with the kids, who eventually came up and hugged me and kissed my head, to make my boo-boo go away. After I settled down, he had to leave for work. He followed me into the laundry room while the kids were watching TV and asked if he shouldnt go at all tonight and apologized for his restaurant choice making me upset. I encouraged him to go, told him that I am not trying to ruin things and offered to stop sharing my feelings if they were going to always to start an argument.... my intentions are not to always ruin things, but to heal. Thats it. I am not trying to control his every move, I just want him to THINK about how his actions effect me. He sweetly said that I am not ruining anything, that if I have a feeling about something to tell him and that he loved me more than anything.

As the day went on, I realized my crazy showed up a little this morning. I also realized that he is not the one in constant pain over this, so he is not always thinking about the effects these "little" things can have on me. Yes, he should be, but I sincerely believe that he is confident that this affair was the last time he intends on hurting me and he just wants to move forward, to a place where this isnt always looming. We have had some great times recently and he has the ability to pretend like this never happened. I dont. I am always thinking about it. I have even considered some sort of shock therapy to erase the horrible images and thoughts from my head.

We had a very busy day, with an afternoon work meeting and a little shopping before I picked the kids up. I texted him that I bought some sexy panties and that started a fun, flirtatious conversation between us. I felt much better about the morning and even went to bed before he came home that night, for the first time since the affair changed everything.  I think that little bit of normalcy made me sleep like a rock because I didnt even wake up when the house alarm beeped to alert me that he had returned home. I didnt wake up until he crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around me, then I went right back to sleep.

Day Eight Seven

2011-07-27T09:56:00.000-05:00

Today was a busy one!!! I had work to do, had a doctors appt and had various things to take care of around the house. My new job has kept me fairly busy, which has been a blessing and a curse. When I get too busy now, I get really overwhelmed and in near-breakdown mode. I usually have to call him several times for support and wind up yelling at my kids, then apologizing while frantically trying to get done what I need to get done. I am such a mess! Still, after eighty eight days I am a wreck!

He helped me a lot today, offered to take a few tasks off my hands and even left a little early from work to help out. He even suggested I take the kids to playcare (which costs $11 an hour) just so I could have some quiet time to get my work done. Luckily, they both took long naps and I was able to calm down a little and get down to business, without spending the money to take them to playcare. The dinner I prepared was mediocre, at best, and he ate it all up, never once complaining. He even did the dishes and suggested I take a bath while he put the kids down himself. Of course, the bath never happened because my daughter freaked out over my not putting her to bed for two nights in a row, but the thought was there and I recognize that. He is trying, he really is. I just wish that was enough to erase all of this.

Day Eighty Six

2011-07-27T09:47:00.000-05:00

The past few days I have been without a computer, writing my thoughts by hand and not able to do my usual internet stalking. Its actually been relaxing. I get my laptop back from the Geek Squad in a few days and, while I will enjoy having it back in my life, I am nervous about wanting to catch up on checking his email, phone records, etc. I have been able to post to this blog from my very ancient PC that is incredibly slow, so typing in my words and waiting for it to load has taken more time away from my day than I am able to spare. What makes me incredibly proud of myself is the fact that of all of the things I am chosing to do with my limited computer/internet abilities I am NOT choosing to disect his life. Thats impressive. I could be on our cell carrier or his email accounts, but instead I chose to continue to try to heal by posting on my blog. Way to go, me!

Today was a rough one in terms of my normal life, but a good one in terms of the affair. My kids were unusually needy, which did not allow me to marinate in all of my drama. I had brief moments when the chaos settled that I thought about it, but my kids and the phone and the washing machine and all of the things and people that needed me today interrupted before it was too damaging. I even managed to eat a ton today! My weight is still low, but my appetite is slowly making its way back to what it once was. I would like to start a normal excercise routine again soon, but my energy level is not high enough just yet and its too damn hot in Texas to really want to do it anyway. The past few days of early workouts with my husband have been great, but left me feeling a little weak and tired. Besides, I havent completely quit the nasty habit of smoking that reered its ugly head at me when this all began, so that was a little difficult to contend with. The disapointment I have in myself for starting up again after over five years is getting to me, but the pain and agony of my husbands betrayal is overshadowing it. Why does it feel so good to do something that is so horrible for my body? Aside from my recently renewed tabacco addiction and the lack of appetite, I have always been very healthy... eating less than 10 grams of fat per meal, snacking in between meals on lots of fruit and veggies and excercising regularly. I miss that part of me. I miss so many parts of me that have seemed to disappear in this. I was once a confident, self assured, energetic woman who was generally happy with her life. Now, I am a scared, frail woman with little self esteem and a general sadness that looms over her during a majority of the day. I miss the old me so very much and long for her to return.

He came home from work tonight and I had to leave instantly, I needed to run a few errands that my kids did not allow me to accomplish today. It was nice to return home to the kids in bed, dinner cleaned up and him ready to spend some time with me. I could tell he missed me and we talked for the next hour or so until we went to bed. No TV, no drama, just us talking about our days and having light, easy conversation.

Day Eighty Five

2011-07-26T15:43:00.000-05:00

Sunday. Church. I love going, but there is something about it that makes me really emotional lately. I wish he was one of these good faithful christian men that sit with their arms around their wives and stay true to their vows. I wish he felt a connection with God that would have stopped this all from happening. I wind up spending most of the service with tears slowly running down my cheeks as I try not to break down into convulsing sobs.

After the service, I performed my usual routine... quickly excused myself to the restroom to dry my eyes and pretend as though I didnt cry during the closing songs. I know he knows I am doing it, but I appreciate that he doesnt acknowledge it. It doesnt always need to be acknowledge. Sometimes I just need to suffer in silence and I am pleased that he is starting to realize how to deal with me.

Why I am the one that has to be "dealt with?" I hate being the victim. I didnt do anything wrong and I am suffering every day for this. Its bullshit.

Day Eighty Four

2011-07-26T15:33:00.000-05:00

Since he worked so late last night, we didnt wake up early to work out. In fact, we woke up to chaos. Our son wet his bed and our daughter had a bloody nose. He dealt with the pee and I the crime scene in my daughters room... he rushed to get ready for work and have breakfast while I attempted to get everyone ready for the day and wash the sheets and pajamas. In the chaos of the morning I saw teamwork between us that I hadnt seen in a long time. It was nice. Strangely, the pee and blood and drama set our day up to be a pretty good one. He left for work in a chipper mood, ready to face the day... I mean, after our morning, anything seemed easy and possible! :)

I received several text messages from him and he called from work a few times throughout the day. I could get used to this attention. He worked late again, this time at a catering event so I was nervous all night, wondering if they were together. He texted me a lot from the event and even sent a random picture under the guise of showing me a table centerpiece that he liked, but I know he was just proving to me where he was. Again, he is doing all the right things. He came home and we went straight to bed, he was exhausted. As I lay in bed, I realized that I really missed him these past few days while he was working late. If I can still miss him, I can get through this, right?

Day Eighty Three

2011-07-26T15:22:00.000-05:00

Since we had so much fun yesterday morning, we decided to wake up early again and work out together. This time, we did weights in the garage and had a nice time. He was preoccupied with work issues and I convinced myself over and over again that it wasnt about me. They were not still having a relationship. Not everything is about an affair.

Our day was a normal day, kids were crazy, we went swimming and he worked late (called often from his office and even made reference to his male coworker who was there with him, making his presence known by involving him in our speakerphone conversation.). He is doing the right things. I just wish he hadnt done something so wrong in the first place.

Day Eighty Two

2011-07-26T15:17:00.000-05:00

After a great evening together, we had an even better morning. We both woke up early to work out to a new excercise DVD we got and had a great time starting the day that way! The kids slept in and we even got to have breakfast together. He left for work and I decided to go shopping. We headed out early, enjoyed a little retail therapy and a nice lunch out as a reward for their decent behavior in the dressing rooms. When he got home he instantly complimented my cute new summer dress and said "You look happy today." Its amazing what a little shopping can do to a girls spirit!

I thought about it a little today, but was able to flush it away quicker than the last few days. This ebb and flow of random horrible thoughts about my husband f***ing another woman and telling her he loves her is getting ridiculous.

The night was okay, we both had work to do so we sat on the couch like a super couple and chatted with both laptops on our laps. It was actually nice to have a little normalcy... nothing great, nothing horrible, just normal.

Day Eighty One

2011-07-26T15:06:00.000-05:00

Woke up from another horrible dream... this is starting to become a frequent, and disturbing, trend. In this particular dream my daughter was playing in her first teeball game and I was trying to get a hold of him, but he was avoiding me. I later found out that he was wither her and her son instead of at my daughters baseball game. I know it doesnt sound that bad, but during the dream I was so angry and heartbroken that I woke up feeling like I wanted to punch him and cry at the same time. But, today, I tried to not be as angry with him for it. What has happened since the affair is not directly his fault. I know he had the affair and he did this, but it is now up to me to recover. He cant recover for me.

He was sweet in the morning, knowing I was in "a mood" and trying to snap me out of it. I tried to keep myself busy all day, but while doing dishes or driving or any other mundain stay at home mom task, random thoughts of the affair entered my head. While cleaning his fingernail clippings out of the bathroom sink, I thought "would she be as grossed out about this as I am?" While putting his shoes away, I wondered if she would have picked them up every single day without any resentment. While driving to the store, I was thinking about what kind of groceries she planned to buy him during the life they planned to have together. I dont know how or when it happened, but I have gotten used to it taking over my brain. Sometimes, I realize that its been a while since I thought about it and I actually start to think about it again... as though in this sick way, I missed it. Its so bizarre whats continuing to happen... The horrible affair is becoming a part of me.

It reminds me so much of when I lost my dad seven years ago. The mourning, anger, heartbreak is all so similar, except my dad didnt die on purpose. He didnt chose to die, it chose him. Only someone who has dealt with death AND an affair could understand that sometimes the affair hurts more than the death. I miss my dad more than anything, but I dont have a hatred towards him that I have to deal with like I have with my husband.

He came home from work in a fowl mood... an employee screwed up a huge report and he now has to take on the responsibility of fixing it while tending to his other duties. This is crazy, but its almost like his bad mood cured mine. I saw that he needed me, so I perked up and tried to make his evening better. We cant both be in bad moods, so I took one for the team and showed him the love he needed. In return, he recovered from his mood and we actually had a really great night.

This is all so f***ing crazy!!!!

Day Eighty

2011-07-26T09:31:00.000-05:00

Well, its been eighty days of sheer hell... and today feels like it will never end. After the party yesterday, I am tired and feel crazy for having to beg for his attention. I woke up feeling lost and exhausted. How am I going to get through this? For the past eighty days I have asked myself this. Still, no answer.

We spent a nice day together, as a family. As a family. Our FAMILY is stronger than ever, he is all about us and wanting to move forward so badly. We have done so many activities these last few months and my kids have got to feel more loved than ever. Our family is great... its just me that suffers now. I am going to try to suffer in silence, to keep my pain and agony private so he has a chance to heal from what he has done and hopefully that will help me begin to heal. I have never really felt that complete healing is possible for me, but this is worth a shot. I am so tired of feeling this every single day and I dont know that anything will help that. He cant help me now, even if we divorced there really is no help for me. I cant get the images or the thoughts out of my head, but its time to stop forcing him to feel it all with me. That will not get us through this. I keep saying and feeling this, but still I punish him. I cant seem to get it out of my head that I have to stop punishing him and I need to try to trust him. His life is not great right now, I realize that. I look at his phone, email, etc every day looking for proof that he is cheating still. Just waiting to find the next piece of heart wrenching information that sends me back to eighty days ago. He walks on egg shells around me, calling me from work regularly so I know he is at his office. He doesnt even ask to go out for drinks of dinner with friends anymore for fear of a fight. He regularly "talks me off the cliff" when I am feeling sad or angry, and is usually unsuccesful. Its no wonder he doubts our ability to get through this. I would too.

I want so badly to pretend that this never happened. To not have constant thoughts of the relationship they had, the love they thought they shared and the plans they probably made for their future together... the future he thought about that only included me as the recipient of part of his income and their weekend babysitter for romantic excursions. How could he do this to me? How could he turn me into this scared little person? I was once so confident and energetic. I used to be so much better than I am now.

Day Seventy Nine

2011-07-18T15:21:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to him. I spent the day cleaning and preparing for friends to come over to bbq and drink and swim and have a good time… He and his brother went out for a few drinks before our friends came over and he completely ignored me once he returned home. He was in his “host” mode which is normal, but this time it pissed me off. I wanted him to thank me for all I had done, I wanted him to include me in all of his conversations and I wanted him to want to be as close to me as possible… I realize now that all of that was CRAZY, but at the time it slowly ate away at me, making me crazier and crazier as time went on. Once it was time to put the kids to bed, I snapped. Broke down, told him that he was ignoring me and being mean and, the second it all left my mouth, I realized how nuts I sounded. Why am I on this mission to sabatoge everything?

We actually had a pretty good night after that. He seems to be fairly understanding of my crazy and allowed me to have it, then apologize, then go on with the night like it didn’t happen. He was more attentive to me after that, made efforts that were unlike him and made me feel like he understood what I was going through and was not going to walk away. That’s what I need from him and he delivered. Good boy.

Day Seventy Eight

2011-07-17T17:19:00.000-05:00

Today is the first of three days off for him… I am looking forward to family time, alone time and just relaxing together. I had the lawn mowed and pool cleaned professionally this week so that we could maximize our quality time together. I even took these days off from a little part time work from home job I took.

Why did I take that job? To start building my resume should I be forced to work again if this doesn’t work out. I realize that its not really “looking forward” but I have to protect myself. I need to add some work experience to my resume if I have to go back to full time work and I plan on saving a lot of the money I get in case I am faced with the struggles of a single mom. I am sacrificing so much time with my kids to do this, but its necessary. I now realize that we may not be forever, that someday I might be a single mom working to support my household and I need to be prepared. I also need something in my life that is MINE, that only I am in control of. I think it will be good for everyone.

Back to the day… we had a great one!! We relaxed while the kids napped, even enjoyed a little nooner before we took a brief nap on the couch together. He was attentive, loving and helpful around the house. We made some final preparations for his birthday party tomorrow night, even though I haven’t really bought him anything or done what I usually do for this birthday. Normally, the house is decorated, all of his favorite foods are prepared and gifts and meaningful cards await him… but this year, I just didn’t have it in me. I know he doesn’t need to be punished anymore for his affair, but I just cant pull myself out of my little funk about his birthday. I just simply don’t care this year.

So, his gifts included a from our super hero obsessed son (a gift to his bobble head obsessed daddy), some shirts and candy... nothing great or spectacular... mainly just some random last minute items picked up from Ross.

Day Seventy Seven

2011-07-16T18:18:00.000-05:00

The event is officially over!! We celebrated with dinner and swimming and letting the kids stay up late! We made it through it so far. She was there, I freaked out and we made it to the end of it. His successes during the event ensured his year end bonus, so the job hunt will have to be on hold until he collects his bonus… maybe in the meantime her contract will be up and she will pull her lame little yogurt cart (which does not make much money) out of his establishment and we can go on with our lives. I want her gone. I want to go forward!!

Day Seventy Six

2011-07-15T17:15:00.000-05:00

An early morning text from him read “I am so glad corporate is gone, I can finally get stuff done… like text you how much I love you! J” It made my day… well, until I started going through the phone records again.

He was busy all day, more than he thought he would be and it brought on the crazy! A late afternoon phone call from him sent my crazy into hyper mode and we had it out. I told him I didn’t believe him that he wasn’t with her still and the more I started talking about my new “realizations” the crazier they sounded to me. What am I doing?!?!?! I am nuts and a little embarrassed about it. I cried, whined and then, in a flash, started apologizing for my behavior. I must have scared him a little, because when he came home he didn’t really know what to do with me and seemed rather uncomfortable around me. I simply told him that I was embarrassed and didn’t want to discuss it any further. He was very much okay with that and we called it a day.

I can only imagine how crazy I must seem... I guess I should give him credit for sticking this out this long with me. If he didnt love me, he wouldnt still be putting up with this all so well. He takes it, just as he took the physical violence on those awful discovery days a few months ago. He knows he did this and he wants to fix it.