The Dead Dieter

2008-03-25T07:45:00.003-05:00

I was encouraged to read this morning, a few verses:

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'-Jeremiah 33:3
Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. As a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words. When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. -Ecc. 5:2-5
So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.-Zech. 4:6

I was encouraged by these, because it reminds me of how the Lord is in control, not me. I cannot strive for self control on my own-this is making a vow I cannot fulfill. I struggle every morning to say to the Lord, "God forgive me for yesterday's gluttony, please help me today-I will do it this time, really, Lord, I will."

But, it is not for me to do-it is for me to submit to Him, to follow Him, to trust Him for each moment, each meal, each choice, each bite. And this morning, already, there is strife in my household, and the temptation to run to the food. How crafty the enemy is to lay for me a trap that is so entangling.

We must each remember-it is His Spirit, and not by my might (is there really such a thing??), but by HIS might, HIS power, HIS Spirit. And I praise Him this day for that, even though it is hard to do.

2008-03-23T08:46:00.003-05:00

I am still tracking what I eat, and am being reminded of the sweetness of the Lord. When I am obedient in this area, I find such a peaceful, sweet place of trusting Him. Even when I go outside the parameters of what I should eat, just teeny bit, I still have that peace. But then, the avalanche of the entrapment to gluttony just begins, and I am barraged by the thoughts that have plagued me for years, "What does it matter? Start tomorrow, enjoy yourself tonight, you will always be fat, God forgives you, etc." Lies, all of it!

I do not want to sound legalistic here, as that is the very trap the world lays for us as Christians. What I am striving for is obedience-with this choice, this bite, and a dependence on the Lord to help me when I crave wholeness. No amount of cupcakes, Ho-Ho's, pizza, spaghetti, or anything else that I put into my mouth will give me the wholeness my spirit longs for.

My wholeness is in Christ, Who became the whole sacrifice for all of this sin I commit. I desire to continue to walk to find that sweetness, that peace-it is not unattainable, and I certainly have learned (and will not believe any less) that He is waiting for me, this moment. God is not waiting for me to weigh 140 pounds before He will be near me.

He is only waiting for my repentance, and His goodness to fill my soul, instead of the food filling my stomach. I thank Him, especially because today is Easter and I am reminded of His sacrifice, for His mercy, love, and goodness. Fill me, oh Lord, this day!

2008-01-14T11:28:00.001-06:00

This weekend was very difficult, but the Lord was so faithful to forgive and give me peace about just moving forward.

I read this morning in Beth Moore's book "Praying God's Word", at the beginning of the section titled "Overcoming Food-Related Strongholds"-
"Before we get started with our Scripture-prayers, I'd like for you to see one more very important truth encased in I Thessalonians 5:24. Thank goodness the Word says, 'The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.' You and I cannot get our bodies and souls under continued control. Cease trying to 'get yourself together' and be disciplined in your own strength. It is useless. We might make it work for a little while, but failure is imminent, and when it comes, it is very destructive."

Beth Moore goes on to quote Colossians 2:20-23, in the King James Version, to point out that we would worship our own will, and not God's will, if all we did was complete this work in our own power.

"Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances, (Touch not; taste not; handle not; Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men?Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body: not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh."

I was greatly encouraged by this, and hope you are too.

The final thought today is that I have (yet again) proved the truth that I cannot do anything without prayer each morning and a sincere commitment to submit in this area. I praise the Lord for this reminder!

2008-01-11T09:10:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was another good day. I did notice I was very hungry when I woke up this morning (a sign of "higher than I wanted" blood sugars), but I think that was because I had milk on the way home, which has a lot of carbs. Usually I stop at McDonald's, so it was a victory to pass that up!

Onto today-I am concerned my morning is already overflowing, and running behind, and think I will go pray a bit before much else. It is so easy to get caught up in the "dailies", and leave prayer behind. I think I have left prayer behind too much in my life, which is why I have a bigger behind! Ha!

2008-01-10T07:09:00.002-06:00

Even though yesterday was really a struggle, with many temptations to overeat, it was such a blessing to get through it victoriously! I had so many "difficult" situations come up-sick kids, getting our truck stuck in a field of snow and ice, my eldest daughter rebelling openly against the Lord (and spending a fair amount of time on the phone with her, and upset), and I just wanted to run to food.

But, my reading yesterday morning was Psalm 9.

1 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonders.

2 I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

3 My enemies turn back;
they stumble and perish before you.

4 For you have upheld my right and my cause;
you have sat on your throne, judging righteously.

5 You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;
you have blotted out their name for ever and ever.

6 Endless ruin has overtaken the enemy,
you have uprooted their cities;
even the memory of them has perished.

7 The LORD reigns forever;
he has established his throne for judgment.

8 He will judge the world in righteousness;
he will govern the peoples with justice.

9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.

10 Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

11 Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
proclaim among the nations what he has done.

12 For he who avenges blood remembers;
he does not ignore the cry of the afflicted.

13 O LORD, see how my enemies persecute me!
Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death,

14 that I may declare your praises
in the gates of the Daughter of Zion
and there rejoice in your salvation.

15 The nations have fallen into the pit they have dug;
their feet are caught in the net they have hidden.

16 The LORD is known by his justice;
the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands.
Higgaion. Selah

17 The wicked return to the grave,
all the nations that forget God.

18 But the needy will not always be forgotten,
nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

19 Arise, O LORD, let not man triumph;
let the nations be judged in your presence.

20 Strike them with terror, O LORD;
let the nations know they are but men.
Selah

I was reminded of so many things in this passage. About God's goodness (to me!), and the importance of praising Him (to be reminded!), and allowing Him to deal with the evil in this world, and that man will NOT triumph (the evil in my daughter's life will not last, and her friends will NOT triumph!), that I should tell of His wonders, all of it! Talk about eating His word.

I have also taken the verses in Lamentation 3:22-24 to heart.

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

Today, my portion is not on my plate, but in the LORD!

2008-01-09T11:29:00.002-06:00

I am beginning today to write it all down if it passes my lips. And, I have removed the numbers on the sidebar here, because I can get so caught up in them. This is part of the reason I wanted to blog here, and be honest about my struggle with finding my identity in a number on a scale. So, there you go! The numbers have disappeared.

I ended up back at the doctor for another blood test, for diabetes, and it turns out I am not even technically pre-diabetic. I suspect this particular doctor did not really understand I came to her for weight loss. I don't really know what she was thinking I was coming to her for, when I went in a year ago and said, "I need help and accountability to lose weight, can you help me?" It was a frustrating year of what seemed to be her almost avoiding telling me she would help me. At the final visit, when I said I need help still, she said, "Well, I can really only give you appetite suppressants..."

So, I have joined a weight loss support group here in the city I live in, and hope to get some encouragement there. It was not an "official diet", per say, as they simply ask me to eat better and exercise. I will be tracking here at home, which is a tool I need to not fool myself in figuring out, "did I really eat that??" ;)

Onto another journey, one full of grace. It is a good thing God's mercies are new every morning-I seem to use them up daily!

2007-10-15T06:50:00.000-05:00

I did mean to mention I went to the doctor, to discuss changing my pre-diabetic medicine over to something that would also help with weight loss. When I got to the appointment, the doctor seemed to have changed her mind about putting me on this new medicine. I confess I was truly disappointed at that point, thinking this was the answer to my weight issue. I was upset about it for a few days, and that is when I decided to just do something else. To stop trying to find "the" answer, as if there is one answer to this.

The Lord is asking me to just walk through it-to trust Him in each moment, and that seems so silly from some perspectives, but that is how it is. I am learning that I have (most of my life) believed I would need to trust God in each moment, only in the "emergencies" in life-like when my child was ill, or my relative struggling, etc. I am learning there is a simplicity in trusting Him in each moment, no matter the circumstance.

I am content now, and believe that is where the peace came from in this week-trusting Him.

2007-10-15T06:45:00.000-05:00

I made the decision this last week to re-join Weight Watchers online. It was the most frugal way I could have accountability at this point, as well as some new ideas on what to eat. I have peace about this decision, and am so glad to have signed up.

Also, the more important issue, I have been very contented to seek the Lord in my eating. It feels like I am not railing against His desire to change this in my heart, if that makes sense. It is not so much that I did not overeat in the last week (because that did happen, albeit much, much less), it is more that when I am hungry, my focus is less and less on me. This is not a perfect change, by any means, but it feels like a step in the right direction. And I know to say "feels" is sounding like it is all emotion, but I have had so little peace in this area for so long, that to actually feel peace about it is amazing.

2007-09-17T08:45:00.000-05:00

Today I spent more time in prayer than I have in a while. I felt encouraged, and lifted up, and ready to start anew. Seems like so much of the daily walk with the Lord is about starting anew. It makes me wonder about if that is why His mercies are new every morning-we just use them all up each day. Not that God runs out-no. But rather we, in our weakness, need them so much more than we even know.

I am setting a goal of sticking to the same breakfast, and same-ish lunch each day. This is a first goal for me, to try to plan out better meals rather than go on just making bad choices (like "oh, I forgot my lunch, I will just eat out"). It is not a hard thing for me to eat the same thing at these meals, so that is good. It is more a matter of planning and not skipping on the planning so I can make excuses to overeat later. I am hoping this will also help with my blood sugars.

Also, I am setting a goal of walking at least three days a week. I have a pedometer, which will be a good tool.

And, all of this by the Lord's strength. He knows how weak I am!

2007-09-14T08:21:00.000-05:00

What a struggle this has been this summer.

I have continued in the pattern I am famous (or infamous) for, and that is trying to set up so much accountability that I am motivated by the humiliation of others knowing about my weight. This is so illogical, so destructive, so ridiculous, I hardly know what to say.

My struggle has been to be motivated by the right thing. Wanting to be healthy, and look good, and blah, blah, blah is the way it has usually been. But now, I want to just love God more than food.

So, I have spent the last few months thinking I should get myself ready to do that: get motivated, Jenny, get going, believe you can do it, know God loves you, etc. Read the Word more, ask Him more, etc. Yet, I confess I have been doing all this on my own-thinking I should clean myself up before I take a bath. Some of you will know what I mean by that. :)

The practical side of this means that my glucose numbers are not coming down-I am pre-diabetic, and on oral medication, but that has not helped any. My doctor wants me to start with a new medication, if in another week I have not really lost weight (she gave me "one more month to try this plan of doing it on your own"), and I have wrestled with the idea of having to take medicine to help me with weight loss. Well, she said it helps some people, but it is more when my blood sugars are under control that I can expect to see some loss.

I felt a lot like "I should be able to do this with just the Lord", which sounded out of place somehow, by the end of this summer. I had been saying it all summer to myself, and so I wrote a very dear friend of mine and asked her what she thought. I was so encouraged. She has been a steadfast friend for over 20 years now, and I was simply blessed by her thoughts that the Lord has created all things, and can use those things to bless us. If using medication will help me for now to reach a goal of loving Him more, then it is a blessing.

I hope that makes sense, as it is a struggle to understand it all for me. For today, I am walking forward, trying to exercise more, eat less, love the Lord more, and will have to find out about the other medication next week.

2007-09-07T08:45:00.000-05:00

I gotta say it-it has been tough.

I am to the point where I do not know quite what to do-I know the Lord is here, I know He will give me strength, but health issues are causing me to re-think who/how I am accountable for what I eat. I am considering just posting it all here-what I eat, etc. but I don't know if totally mortifying myself publicly is the answer. Anyhow, I know it has been a while, it has been a struggle to stay on top of this to be honest with you all, and I am considering how can I best approach this.

Die to self...die to self...I will post more later...

2007-07-24T07:59:00.000-05:00

Giving up sugar has been hard! I have done it before, but this time I was tempted so much more. However, God was still faithful, and by the end of the week I was doing better. I do not like using artificial sweeteners much, but I did use them more this week to help with the cravings.

The Lord showed me this week I needed to stop not loving others-I know that is a double negative, but it is what He showed me. I used to love others so much more, and care more, and be kinder, before I gave myself over to gluttony. Now, He is cleaning house, and taking out harsh speech, vindictiveness, selfishness-just put those out in the trash, Lord!

I am so thankful to have gotten to the point where I can see the Lord carrying me, encouraging me, loving me through all of this. I do not mean this as a platitude in any sense, I simply mean it has been years of agony in this area, and to see Him at work is encouraging.

Onto this next week!

2007-07-17T07:01:00.001-05:00

I am making it a goal this week to give up sugar. I had given it up before, and then thought to try eating it again (what an error!), and have now gotten back to the major craving/indulging stage. So, this week, it is going.

I have been more active, but hope to be more consistent in that. Pushing forward again!

It has been such a blessing to me to be praying the Scripture-nothing comforts the soul like this in prayer. I am so grateful the Lord left us this comfort. Crying out, confessing, and consenting to God's will is something I want to do every hour. I desire it, and must rely on Him to see that happen. Praise the Lord that He is so good to us-His presence, His word, and His faithfulness are amazing!

2007-06-27T06:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday went so much better than my other days have gone. Even with some added stress (as if that is anything new!), I was thankful to go to bed and know that I had trusted the Lord to walk me through some tough spots.

It is a challenge not to overeat on "diet" foods. If I stress out, and begin to think about "what can I eat?"-that is where the temptation is; to trust the food to comfort me and not the Lord. Then comes the deception that if I eat something low calorie, to comfort myself, well...that can't be wrong, right? Or if I eat something I know will just not matter calorie wise-surely that is fine, right?

No! As Paul would say, may it never be. My hope is to turn to the Lord, knowing He will walk me through the pain, the struggle-He always has, and has not turned away from me. May this season be one of turning to Him and not rice cakes. The cost ends up being more than how many calories I ate today.

2007-06-26T08:22:00.000-05:00

How does the summer manage to be busier than the school year? ;)

Over the last two weeks, I have been held accountable by a friend of mine. It has helped me a lot to know someone will be reading what I eat. Anyhow, we have had discussions that have been encouraging, and striving towards self control in the Lord-and that is good.

For the challenge, I am going to stop posting here about it. I am not quitting the challenge, but I am forgetting to post about it here anyhow-when I do it at my regular blog, I simply forget about this one. And, I want the point of this blog to be about the Lord-what He is doing in my heart, and how He is my Bread of Life. I will still post here about my journey, and obviously the numbers on the side will be telling how I am doing in the challenge anyhow. :)

I am doing well right now-glad to see the Lord's faithfulness and beauty shining out in my life. And I don't mean that as if everything is just sooooo great right now-it is not. There are some major challenges facing my family, and yet we have peace in the midst of it. And that is why I am praising God this day.

If you want to see my other blog for the challenge, just go to my profile and there is a link there.

2007-06-12T18:52:00.000-05:00

I had not posted here for a bit, because I have been also posting on my regular blog about the weight challenge.

In the time I have been on the May Day Weight Challenge, I have only managed to gain one pound overall. This is so frustrating on the one hand, but I cannot help but hear the Lord say to me, "Is this about the number?" And, I know it is not.

I have been striving to turn to Him more, and know that I must still continue to work on loving God more than food. How grateful I am for His mercy and grace. I will write more later.

2007-06-01T06:58:00.001-05:00

I have had a great couple of days-more choices heading in the right direction, and passing up on what I don't need to eat. I have been relying more on the Lord, and the accountability has helped quite a bit.

I was able to pass up on treats last night a work-a victory, to be sure! I have been drinking more water, less of anything else. So, that is how it is going this week!

2007-05-30T08:18:00.000-05:00

One of my dearest, dearest friends has agreed to help hold me accountable. This is a great encouragement to me, and I am making it a goal to write everything down this week. She has committed to staying in touch with me a couple of times a week to check on me, which is great.

I praise God for this friendship, and for His mercies. I tell you, I need them renewed every morning! :)

2007-05-29T07:53:00.001-05:00

I don't want to just give up, but I want to live the truth about what it is going to take for me to be at a healthy weight. I do not buy the line that if I would only find "the right diet", or "the right vitamin", or "this food will help you burn it all off!", etc. All of that is just not true. What it takes is healthy choices in eating, exercise, and moderation. I know (I KNOW) in my heart that I have given in to the temptation of overeating so much, that I am at the most difficult point in my whole life of choosing to submit to the Lord in this.

And, I want that. I really do. I desire to love God more than food. Maybe my line of thought here is not a popular one, because we (especially as Americans) are so diet obsessed, we really believe there is a quick cure for it. "Lose what you need to, and then eat what you want...". I just love it that I turned on the Christian radio station this morning for encouragement (!), and the first thing on the radio is an ad for a super food or vitamin or pill or some such rot, that you can "lose 2 dress sizes in 30 days or your money back!". DON'T THESE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THE TRUTH?? There, I yelled online.

The truth is that gluttony is a sin. I am a glutton. However, the good news is that I am a glutton who wants to love the Lord more. And, this week, I am striving to do that. Again. Which, I find, with many sins, this is how it is-a struggle that goes on, and many times repeated.

It is a good thing God's grace is renewed every morning.

And, for what it is worth, I just wince when I post this stuff. Likely, you are wincing while reading it.

2007-05-29T07:45:00.000-05:00

This week on the May Day Challenge, I had a gain. This brought my total loss to just half a pound. It is discouraging, but more on that in the next post.

2007-05-28T16:58:00.000-05:00

Sighing...

Again, I am struggling, and wonder why post so much here about the struggle. Still, I remind myself that I believe this is more than just "finding the right diet" or "finding the right way to lose weight, and then eat what I want..."-lies, all lies!

I keep praying, and fighting against the temptation, but sometimes it just seems too hard. Not even that, but almost as if there is no point in fighting it anymore. Please don't misunderstand me-I am not trying to push this off on anyone else. I know I am the one responsible for my eating habits. Of course I am. I simply mean that sometimes it is overwhelming to me that I gave in for so long, thinking I could "simply diet another day!", that now I cannot hardly control it all.

Prayer, more prayer, more confession, more struggle. And then I get so discouraged, and more temptation. It almost feels crazy.

I am discouraged today (in case you couldn't tell!). I want to have accountability, with someone here where I can see them face to face, and it just is not working out. Not even with my spouse, who turned me down flat, saying it just seemed like it would be an argument waiting to happen. How discouraging that was. And, to be honest, even though I really cannot stand that he said that, I can understand why he would not want to talk to me about this anymore. He's tired of it too. And then I hate that I am the one who has worn him down in this.

I don't understand-am I supposed to do this alone? Trying to be accountable here is frustrating (right now), but perhaps I am just being selfish. I hardly know what to think today. What a depressing post.

2007-05-22T06:38:00.000-05:00

This week on the May Day Weight Loss Challenge, I simply neither lost or gained. After the tough week I had, I am content with this.

And the reminder I have that this is not about a number on the scale-the scale is only a standard, and is not my judge. The Lord is my Light and Salvation, and without Him, I am nothing.

Onto this next week, and I am already looking forward to trusting Him more.

2007-05-21T14:42:00.000-05:00

There is such a struggle in that whole "did I lose this week?" mindset, which is one of the main reasons I started this blog. It is true that to have real victory over gluttony, I must be dead to the traditional, American view of dieting. I cannot go on, making myself upset with worry about the number on the scale. There, I said it. :)

So, this week. This week has been so, so hard. I gave up one day, lying to myself that I could easily get back on track the next day. What a deception, to rely on the old pride of "I have lost lots of weight before!"...no duh. I have also gained lots of weight before. I have that cycle down pat.

This morning, I woke up, and was just broken hearted over it all-my desire to love God and food-an impossibility. To have the food rule me one day, and think I can control it-another impossibility. I got on my knees, and renounced gluttony in my life, and have asked the Lord to deliver me from it. I have done this before, but as a good friend of mine said, some sins we are not freed from immediately.

Today has been a day of begging God-begging Him to give me the strength to walk in freedom. I do not know if I will make it to tonight-I do know I will not if I rely on myself.

And, I know God is faithful. I need to rely on His love, His care, and that is all. It sounds so simple, but is so hard to do, and so rewarding in the end. I look forward to that reward, just a little even for today.

2007-05-18T09:37:00.000-05:00

I am still struggling to get back on track, and am concerned I will show no loss this week. Still, my larger concern (no pun intended!) is that I am not trusting God to walk me through the frustration of a very rude neighbor. It really ought to be a small issue, but I am struggling so much.

Anyone out there who wants to, can pray for me! Thanks.

2007-05-16T13:16:00.000-05:00

It is strange to me that I wait until I am done struggling before I post. Not today, though!

I have had a hard two days (today included). Stress eating, struggling to get up early, and then that lovely female subject we ladies deal with monthly. Well, that is how it is for me right now, like it or not.

I am glad to be doing the challenge, so, so thankful for the comments and knowing we are all trying here together. I am going to confess, and strive to move forward....