The Derp Files

I Have No Chicken, and I Must Scream

2012-08-03T05:19:00.000-04:00

“Fr...freed'm,” he wheezed through flour-crusted, dry lips. The single word a herculean effort, contracting his diaphragm to expel enough air sent arrows of pain through his chest. Moments passed as he gathered his strength to continue, he MUST continue, he knew. A man of considerable size, he found it difficult to stand from his plastic bench throne. Shuffling slowly across the dimly lit expanse on red, swollen legs the man gazed at the beauty around him. He couldn't remember anything else besides this place. When did he get here? Had it always been like this? Such questions were irrelevant, all that remained was the fight, the War. He knew his parents had been brave warriors too, and their parents before them, generations of his kin battled the Enemy and paid with their glucose tolerance. In the end it was for the sake of all. Even if it meant the damnation of his body, at least his soul-and the souls of all mankind- could be saved by his rheumatic, sweaty hands.

Arriving at the dispensing unit, he steadied himself and squinted at the list. What could he take in this state? He knew he was nearing his time. He was 25 after all-or so he thought, time passed strangely here. Finally it came to him and as he mumbled and slurred-why did his lips feel so tingly- the words required for his task, he could already smell the Victory as it was prepared for him. In less than a hyper-tensioned heartbeat it was ready for his glorious moment. A hush fell upon the place as all eyes took aim to the would-be savior. The silence screamed at him to win. His heart pounded, more than usual, as he unwrapped It. Glorious, it was, gleamingly greasy and breathtaking to behold. Touching it to his lips he felt ecstasy flow through him as those in their seats murmured in approval. His heart beat harder...harder...too hard! It was wrong, so wrong, and he knew it in an instant. The two empty halves of biscuit fell to the tiled floor, wails of agony echoed through the room, and the man's heart rebelled.

Am I unworthy?! What have I done wrong?! He was dying and he knew it, he must escape. No matter what had just happened he could not defile this...temple. Pain shot through his arm as he spun, panicked, looking desperately for the exit. Chaos was erupting behind him, wails of agony and despair. Some shouted it was a sign, others a curse. The man didn't care, his instinct howled at him to survive. As he burst through the long sealed doors, he faltered. Even in his mortal panic, the light was blinding and terrifying. On his knees now, crying, he felt his life slipping away. He gazed up at the strange blue sky above him. Was this here all along? Silent tears trickled down his pock-marked cheeks.

Suddenly he could feel someone there, someone speaking to him, it felt, from so far away. It's too late, I've failed, he thought, slipping further away. Nothing to do now but...pain! There was pain, incredible pain, worse than before. It was waking him up. A rhythmic pressing on his chest that hurt more than anything he'd ever felt. Seemingly an eternity passed before he opened his eyes again to see a man hovering above him pressing on his chest. The dying man was confused, what was going on? In that moment, the other man's mouth tightly close over his own! No! NO! THIS IS THE ENEMY, ISN'T IT?!

Spitting and sputtering with all his strength, the dying man pushed his savior away and wiped his defiled lips with a sweaty forearm. He glared at the man above him,

“Fag...” he coughed, and then the darkness took him once more.

Poem: What Price, Flavor?

2011-10-26T19:12:00.000-04:00

It hung on my lips like an ancient waterfall, frozen in eternal winter

But even still in that chilling cold my soul, so brave and warm,

Felt nature's cleaving edge and set to splinter

Pressed in flesh in imitation of the wild and unimagined

Trapped between two halves of whole and others there besides

Never known to this world's love, and so growing quite misshapen.

Saucy truth, not quite content to travel on the path of history

Strikes awe in eyes of followers and devotees

And quietly though I trace my way, remembering such humbleness

Never rich, ensconced in power or being contemptuously glib

So I did make my way across that portal to the priests and artisans

And ordered “One McRib”

Soup's On Part 1: Chilled Cucumber

2011-05-10T18:34:00.000-04:00

So I was going to write a long, depressing, personal post about my late mother because Mother's Day was last Sunday here in the US. Then I took a nap and I'm feeling a bit more upbeat. I realized I have a backlog of cooking images.

"To answer your question: something like that."

Yesterday I made four soups for one meal for my friends and I. They're very kind to support my cooking experiments because I can feed 8-9 with decent food that's healthy for only 5-7 bucks per person instead of people paying like 15 for greasy Chinese food. Well on Saturday I saw a documentary from the BBC about diet and they reminded me of something: soups are pretty darn filling. In fact, they're more filling than their constituent ingredients eaten apart. That's the part I found most interesting. So I got inspired to make some healthy soups and test them for myself and all my bros out there trying to lose some pounds for the Summer.

Course one is the "salad." I forget how I found this recipe but immediately I was interested. I LOVE cucumbers. They're great sliced with pepper and balsamic vinegar. So refreshing. So when I saw "cucumber soup" I was intrigued.

Tools needed are: blender or food processor of some sort, a large pot. The basic ingredients are:

1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 small onion, diced
1 tablespoon lemon juice
4 cups peeled, seeded and thinly sliced cucumbers
2 cups vegetable broth
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
Pinch of cayenne pepper
1 avocado, diced
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley, plus more for garnish
1/2 cup low-fat plain yogurt ( I used non-fat Greek, which added some nice sourness to it)

I doubled the recipe to make enough for a group of ~8. Oh and it took 7 good sized cucumbers to give me 8 cups, you might want reserve some from cooking as garnish.


Gotta make sure to get those seeds out

I think this is only halfway done.

Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium-high heat. Add garlic and onion; cook, stirring occasionally, until tender, 1-4 minutes. Add lemon juice and cook for 1 minute. Add cucumber slices, broth, salt, pepper and cayenne; bring to a simmer. Reduce heat and cook at a gentle simmer until the cucumbers are soft, 6-8 minutes.

Then add it to the parsley and avocado in a blender. Remember to be careful when blending hot ingredients, they will explode if very hot or blended on high. Once it's all well blended add in the yogurt and blend/stir it in.

Yeah I love parsley.

As the name suggests, I served it cold because it made more...sense? It was a very pleasant and refreshing dish with a unique sourness from the green and yogurt. It kind of reminded me of a sweeter and milder Tzatziki sauce-probably because of the Greek yogurt. If you want to be fancy you can put some parsley leaf and chopped cucumber on top before serving.

Gay America's Pagan Agenda: Thor

2011-05-06T21:03:00.002-04:00

Is it me, or have fundamentalist Christians dropped the ball on the new Thor movie? I mean, sure the comic has been around for decades, but only nerds read comics and they've all probably sold their souls to the devil through Dungeons and Dragons.

Jack Chick is a true American hero.

But with Thor you have a massive threat to THE CHILDREN.

Yes, the THE CHILDREN. That fabled group that galvanizes any good person to do something...good. By which I mean they bow down to the crazy complainer's will. Tangent here, being a kid not only sucks because you are having to deal with learning the rules of the world, dealing with hormones, not having any rights, but you get used as unwitting pawns by crazy people... This tactic reminds me of a Family Guy bit when Brian is trying to win custody of his soon-to-be-born puppies:

Lawyer: Mr Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin: Problem Drinker or African-American Haberdasher?
Peter: Uh, do I-I guess problem drinker, but that's uh-
Lawyer: Thank-you. Now: Sexual deviant or magic picture that if you stare at it long enough, you see something?
Peter: Well, sexual deviant, but that other one's not even, eh-
Lawyer: Thank-you

So what is it about Thor that threatens the very fabric of our society, endangers the Western world, and threatens to unravel the nature of the Universe? Gay gods. You heard me, not only godS-plural- but of the homosexual variety. I mean we all know that comic heroes are pretty gay, right? Big, sweaty dudes in skin tight lycra panties and capes of FABULOUS colors that hang out with other dudes of the same? And they always seem to find an excuse to not date, I'm so sure that your arch nemesis will track me down and murder me...IS THAT WHY YOU MAKE LOVE TO ME IN THE DARK?! ARE YOU THINKING OF HIS COLD METAL TENTACLES?! If you don't believe take a look at this:

I mean just look at that! Just look at those sweaty, half nude men. The way their...perfect skin...glistens...their....muscles...throbbing with...exertion....Thor's arms...spread wide...so wide you could just...bury your face in his chest because you know you'd be so safe in his strong, tender arms and just to smell his skin you know it would smell like home and you'd know it was all going to be okay and just to taste his...WHERE WAS I?

But yes, not just the homosexual agenda, but the pagans. Yes, you see Thor features multiple gods...*shudder*. Yes, it takes the ancient Norse pantheon of gods which these poor, primitive people used to explain that which they did not understand-which was thankfully replaced later with a single God to explain everything, efficiency is important- and paints them in a positive light. They do "cool" stuff like getting drunk and laying waste to dragons and giants. Odin lost his eye in an eXXXtreme stunt to gain knowledge. Loki tricked others into killing Baldr with a freaking plant. It's almost like an episode of Jackass. Kids will start to think the Norse gods are cool, then they'll learn about them, then they will start turning away from boring old Yahweh. Soon dogs and cats will get married, gays will adopt children to make them gay, and then all will be lost.

So brothers and sisters, join me in the fight against Thor...or at least inform crazy Christians of it so they can get mad and make fools of themselves protesting it. Though, really we can't fail now, I mean the Rapture is in two weeks.

We can't risk failing now. Because....if nothing happens on May 21 then that can be the ONLY EXPLANATION THE RAPTURE DIDN'T HAPPEN. Just like when it failed to happen in 1844 (also know as the Great Disappointment), 1914, 1918, 1945, 1981, 1989, 1992, 1993, or 1994....or really any year between Ever and Now.

Peace be with you.

I'd Like to Have an Argument

2011-05-03T14:20:00.001-04:00

So, we're all probably aquainted with the Internet. What's possibly the number one past-time of its denizens? Arguing. If it were face to face, it might look something like this:

Edit: wtf video appeared in my preview but not in actual post...sorry about that.

I touched on it last post, but people just are not made to debate or even argue in any constructive way it seems. Look at the legal system (and I'm talking about the US here because that's what I have experience with). It's designed to be an antagonistic system, with 2 sides debating the merits of their positions based on rules of logic and evidence-ideally. This is the true essence of debate. Two sides passionately advocate for their point of view using codified rules of logic, verified impartial evidence, and the whole matter is presided upon by an impartial party.

This artificial system evolved/was created because otherwise we'd be stuck in a situation like the above: just constant contrarian NO/YES battles with no real end or resolution of any import. An impartial judge is tasked with making sure the parties streamline their arguments, stay on topic, use evidence and logic appropriately, and to arbitrate minor decisions. In a debate like one you would participate in at school, this is what a moderator does. I'm not a big fan of emotional appeals during debate, but I also recognize that humans are emotional creatures and that every moment has some emotional content to it for us.

This emotional context is what makes a good debate so difficult. Conflict can be inspiring and enjoyable, but it's also somewhat against our nature. Generally, people want to get along. We're social animals. We want people to like us. Telling someone they are wrong, then spelling out how they are wrong is not how you go about making nice with others. Internally, conflict causes a biological stress response that gets you ready for action, the "fight or flight" response. The more worked up you get, the harder it is to function with your logical mind. Psychologically, conflict can be a threat to your ego. Most people like to think they are good, intelligent, reasonable, whatever other positive attributes you can think of. Being faced with an attack to your "rightness" throws you into a defensive mode. And what's worse about all of this is that it's discouraging to you admitting you are wrong because it will cause you to a)look foolish b) show you were wrong c) make you look weak d) make you look inconsistent.

So when you think about this, it's really amazing that we can ever accomplish anything. When I say this I mostly have politics and science in mind. However, with scientific debate there is a little more structure and the scientific community, and subgroups of specialities are pretty good at policing themselves. But with politics, look at what happens any time a politician changes their stance on anything. They become a "flip-flopper." This phrase defeated John Kerry, and has become a skillful political weapon to assassinate anyone who-for right or wrong reasons-decides to change. Why does change have to be so bad? Can we intellectualize away the stigma of "flip flopping?" We all know that circumstances can change. Why should we be locked into a single course of action forever? What's so wrong with growing?

Stop Calling Me A "Fag"

2011-04-29T21:03:00.001-04:00

It's kind of funny how my mind works, I started to write a post about how people cannot argue/debate for shit, especially today. And then I started thinking about the quintessential Internet "showstopper," the word fag. Well, I decided that my ideas that came from that were more important to get down immediately. Random video displacement teaser editing nonsense.

I swear, if someone calls me a fag again on the Internet, I'm going to hold him down and make sweet love to hi... Oh, wait...that's not it. Right, I meant I'd take a crowbar and beat him soundly about the everywhere (at least in my head). I mean, I get that it's mostly people who are dumb/lazy and think that it will somehow silence others in their oh-so-important capslock shouting match over a youtube video. I don't begrudge that usage because I can't do much about it-even if it's an insidious logical fallacy that will someday destroy modern society. But more about this later.

No, my problem is people who call me "a fag" for being nice/moral/ethical/polite/considerate/a mature citizen of the world-even online. To the former and latter groups, I would like to respond in the manner most befitting your kind: a short, simple, easy-to-understand clip from an item of popular culture (if SP didn't work).

The F Word
Tags: SOUTH
PARK more...

But, "fag," really? I think we all know how gays act, I mean come oooo~oooon Bravo is basic cable, honey, jeez *sassy eyeroll and heavy sigh with headsway*. Have you not seen TV and movies and magazines and awards shows and reality TV and and and.....? Homosexuals are catty, vicious creatures whose main skills revolve around making crude sexual jokes, relating things to sexual acts, designing dresses for Tyra Banks, crying, and insulting the appearance of others, girlfriend. Would the magical glowing box that tells me what to eat and where to shop lie to me?

No, seriously. They're not wearing shirts because they laid them down so the old ladies they were helping across the street wouldn't step in any puddles.

So, why "fag?" Well it's still pretty socially acceptable to use-and on the internet most people seem pretty fearless- as well as it can make sense in most contexts. But in the end, I really just don't get it. No one ever wants to explain just how I am a fag for not thinking I have the right to hurt other people or steal or abuse the social contract or because I don't want to do the drugs they do?

isthisreallife.jpg

I know it's because they really have no real point, no good basis for it. It doesn't really hurt my feelings too much, because I know I'm not homosex, but I am a pretty sensitive guy and it makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that you feel the need to use such powerfully hateful words to describe me when I say "well I don't think you have the right to break into someone's house and steal their possessions." Or when I say "Well, I don't really like the feeling of being high, I'd rather just go to the gym than smoke pot." What is it about these phrases that inspires you to pull out the big guns? To the point where in the past people cave called me this to my face. It doesn't happen so much now that I am around people who are in their late 20s and up like me, but it's left a mark.

Now, I know there's more, colloquial definitions but those are typically of a person who is incredibly annoying (just look at the example of the South Park episode referenced above). I really just try to avoid using it for any occasion. I know quite a few gay and transgender people who suffer attacks from the casually cruel to outright malicious. One of my favorite teachers in high school was related (cousin, as I recall) to Matthew Shepard. Once, a student just casually called another kid in class-and this is a seminar where we're usually saying some pretty crazy things-a "fag." The teacher didn't freak out, but he spoke with such passion and intensity when he said, "Don't ever use that word around me." I guess it's just different when you have a strong emotional connection to a word that people like to toss around. I don't know if there's much more I can say on the subject without getting more depressed about it.

It's just such a useless thing, because deep down we're all a little gay. Right Ron?

"A good man does the right thing, a great man does the right thing even when no one is looking."

World's Gonna Burn

2011-04-27T18:44:00.000-04:00

So, I made the mistake of flipping on the news today. First I hear about Obama releasing his full birth certificate for public scrutiny. Well I'm finally glad we can stop talking about...oh wait I forgot we live in Insan0world. Now somehow this has made Donald Trump a bigger figure because he was the last person to shout about it on TV? It's all for his sake and we should take him seriously as a candidate? Are you shitting me, CNN? Are you dumb or evil? Or both?

Well, that's not what really made me rage. It was this little lady right here, Dalia Dippolito, and her insane defense in her trial for murder-for-hire.

There's a very comprehensive article-6 pages- here. But basically a year and a half ago she decided that she was done with her husband. Obviously the answer was to have him killed because the guy she's in lo-I mean using- is not exactly Ward Cleaver. The guy is apparently a druggie, roid head "person of Italian heritage," con man, and money launderer. So just think of a character from GTA. She had tried poisoning him with anti-freeze but wasn't happy with the results. She asked one of the men she was having an affair with to help her hire a hit man. This upstanding citizen went to police and they did one of their undercover investigations with cameras, a fake hit man, tons of carefully collected evidence, and even a fake crime scene.

In recorded conversations, Dalia admits she is just tired of the guy. She doesn't claim to be afraid of him, she calls him a sweet nerd. He even forgave her for losing $200,000 of his money. Her concern was his mafia friends who might make her life difficult after a divorce, but part of her plan was to claim they were the ones behind his death. "I'm gonna throw all their fucking names in, and I don't care," she said. Evidently she wasn't scared about implicating them....

During her interrogations she cried constantly, trying to charm her way out of trouble. She used sex as a tool to manipulate people into doing her dirty work. The woman clearly has some kind of personality disorder. I can't help but feel that she was able to manipulate some sympathy because for a year she was only under house arrest with her mother while awaiting trial. I'm not so sure that a man, or a poor woman, would be allowed such a luxury.

All of that is crazy, but the real insanity begins with the trial. There was a mutual gag order on the investigation. Neither of the couple could discuss details, and the state was tight lipped as well. So now it's finally going to court where details are public record. Dalia is claiming that the whole thing...IS A GAG FOR A REALITY TV SHOW....Yes, it was all just the husband's idea. "It was a stunt that Michael Dippolito, whether he'll admit it or not, hoped to capture the attention of someone in reality TV," one of her lawyers said. Here's a clip of her being informed by police that her husband is dead. This is one of many pieces of evidence that the jury will see. You judge for yourself.

Frankly this defense is bizarre, but she has two lawyers who over a year and a half had the time to come up with something and this is what they got. It's reminiscent of the twinkie defense, which didn't work. So, hopefully this woman will be rightly convicted and sent away for an appropriate time. Sadly the maximum sentence is only 25 years. That seems way too little.

The legal expert on TV was worried this defense might resonate with some jurors. Have we really come to that? Has art destroyed life instead, not content with imitation. We've gone and created "art" that is an imitation of life that is an imitation of life that we want to live every day...kids grow up dreaming of being a reality TV star. People want to be famous for being famous, and it sometimes even works...and this woman's using it to her advantage.

But what do I know? I talk like a fag and my shit's all retarded, right doc?

This Message Paid For By: She Who Thirsts

2011-04-26T15:14:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm probably an actor...or maybe even a real person attempting to look thoughtful. But that doesn't matter, you see, I have an opinion. It's completely uninformed and this commercial portrays me as THE COMMON MAN, just like you. Yes I'm just like you, with opinions, opinions you should have, because I'm just like you. I have no apparent reason to have an informed opinion on the matter in this spot. I am not an economist, sociologist, doctor, scientist, lawyer, legal scholar, judge, officer of the peace, active duty military, or even a politician. I'm presenting myself as nothing but a 70 year old in a hat with the name of a U.S. Naval vessel on it, or maybe a company name with “...& son(s)” to show I'm a businessman AND family man. I have CHARACTER, which is all that matters. This whole ad is premised on you being a complete idiot and buying into me being just like you. In fact, it's highly insulting that someone would even make this spot. Can you imagine how contemptuous this whole thing is? I mean, I'm obviously reading from a script, and there is probably some tiny print in a corner that was flashed for a second that you-being old- can't see too well that says Dramatization. So remember, tell your Congressman, your congressman who was voted into office because I was the one who told you he's the kind of man I'd like to sit and have a beer with- because he's a common man just like me and the best decisions are made on a six pack of moderately priced domestic 12 oz canned beer. Something real traditional and American like Budweiser or Busch not of that Sam Adams crap, that brewery still has craft brewer status, you know what word is associated with craft? “Art.” Who likes art? Homosexuals. Are you a homosexual? Good, I didn't think so. And Sam Adams was a revolutionary and trouble maker. Who starts revolutions? Young people and hippies. Well anyway where was I? Oh yes, tell your congressman to vote yes (or no) on Bill _____ against your own personal interest. Because I'm an old guy in a hat with an opinion. An opinion you should have because I obviously represent the common man, and you're one too right? You don't want to be different, do you? Being different is what communists are. You remember them, don't you? They killed your friends. And 9/11 changed everything.

(This ad paid for by a special interest group who hopes you don't look into this matter on your own and formulate your own, informed opinion so they paid an old guy who's equally clueless to tell you what to think because they hope you just see an old white man from a Pepperidge Farm commercial talking about jobs, and money, and restoring America and not the board of directors of a conglomerate who stand to profit massively off of your mishandled tax dollars being appropriated for substandard construction projects, dangerous drilling sites, and environmental destruction. I mean, you know this bill will just make them more rich/eliminate economic barriers/remove their industry from oversight, so they have more money to spend creating tiny political action committees to donate even more dollars to the politicians so they'll approve more favorable measures for powerful special interests to continually enhance their wealth and political power in a never ending cyclical vortex orgy of dollar bills, cocaine, strippers, and truck-stop gay hookups, maybe even a few covered up illegitimate children/abortions, and murders. All of it devolving with ever increasing rapidity, fed by an insatiable lust by the public for ever more violent and nasty behavior by the people around them...spiraling down a drain hewn from the bones of sentient, loving creatures into the Disposal unit of damnation to be ground by the gears of mediocrity into a paste of hate, racism, violence, and willful ignorance into a dank, poisonous sewer from which there is no return. That's when it will Truly Begin)

I love Rock and Roll

2011-04-24T19:41:00.002-04:00

Wow, allergies have completely killed me all week. My eyes are so red and itchy and sore I can barely see straight. So, in lieu of writing a post I wrote a blues song about My Little Pony. It's only a first version really, but it's probably as close to as finished as I can get with my set up. I didn't do the music, just the lyrics which I'm also singing (poorly).

Hope you enjoy it. Lyrics below
I wanna be a pretty pony, Lord
But I ain' got no cutie mark
Said I wanna be a pretty pony lo~rd
But I got no cutie mark!
Oh the other ponies they gonna laugh at me
Lord the future lookin' dark

Twilight Sparkle does the magic, y'know
Yeah Rainbow Dash can fly quite fast
Twilight Sparkle she do magic y'know
And Rainbow Dash is oh so fast
But in every category, honey
Oh this nag is always last~

Oh they puttin' me out to pasture
Ev'n Pinkie Pie can't brighten my day
Oh I said put me out to pasture now
Even Pinkie Pie can't brighten this day
Oh it don't matter how much cake I eat, cuz
Lord, it all taste like bitter hay

I wanna be a pretty pony, Lord
But I ain' got no cutie mark
Oh please! Please can I be a pony, lord!
Though I gots no cutie mark!
Yeah if there was a pony named Lisa
She'd be tearin' me apart....

So Rarity sew my shroud girl,
Make sparkle and make it shine
Oh sweet Rarity can you sew my shroud, girl
And make it sparkle and make it shine
And when they put me in that cold, wet ground
Don't ponies whiny and don't none whine.

Ground Control to Major Derp

2011-04-19T15:37:00.000-04:00

I haven't had much time to do writing because I've been on a streak of creativity and I've been trying to make some music using Audacity. Slowly I feel like I'm learning the ins and outs of it. Nothing really accomplished yet that I'd want to share but at least it's keeping me occupied.

I'm also working on two A/V humor projects. I have no clue how to add audio to images to make a video though, so we'll have to see how that goes. Thankfully youtube has all kinds of helpful clips on how do do just about anything I want to do. Isn't technology great?

I do wonder if I'm doing too much and not focusing but, hey, I got tons of free time so why not? Any of you working on some neat projects?

Also I would like to thank everyone for their comments on my last post, many of you had some great insights and stories to share. I feel very grateful for your kind words.

My mission for the week:

Let Me Put My Thoughts In You

2011-04-15T20:16:00.000-04:00

How about some mood setting music again? It's going to be a sad one, maybe. I got inspired reading a few personally oriented threads by some of the people I follow. I had some stuff on my mind that I wanted to put out there so I thought "why not." I agonized trying to find a good song to get everyone on the same wavelength and I think I have it here with some Silent Hill. It was hard to find something without distracting/spoilerific videos.

Growing up-and still today- all I ever wanted was to be "normal." Of course, people always try to quip back, WELL YOU KNOW...THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL. Okay, so...how'd you come to that conclusion? This brings to mind a line from an Everclear song: "I hate those people who love to tell you money is the root of all that kills/they have never been poor/they have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas." If you've never felt like you're so far removed from humanity you wonder if you can even continue to call yourself such, you can't tell me "there's no normal."

Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy behavior.

But I think we can all be mature enough to realize that some people fall outside the boundary of "normal" or at least "acceptable." I think I'm on the outside of that. I rarely feel like I meet people who understand my thought process. In nearly 30 years I've only met one, and I was lucky enough to enjoy her company for 3 years before she decided life was too much. I often wonder how that bodes for me... I just want to make a list of a few things I think are abnormal about me and see if anyone out there can identify with me, and maybe learn some things about life along the way.

Apart from the hug, this looks pretty nice.

Well let me start at the beginning then, where the idea for this post came from. I was having a nice chat with my therapist last week and this theme came up for the nth time. He then proceeds to tell me that it's impossible because I'm not normal. Okay, I thought, where's he going with this. He tells me that basically I can't be normal because my IQ is probably [high-v.high] (I'm literally so uncomfortable talking about this I can't cop to the real numbers he was talking about because I'm sure it would make me seem like I'm a conceited dick and make me want to vomit from nerves) and that's a pretty darn small part of the population, so by definition I'm not "normal." At this point I start feeling physically ill because someone is saying good things about me. And yet, at the same time I can dispassionately recognize that there are interesting, even admirable things about me but they aren't "really me" according to my derp de derp mind.

All right, trying to make this coherent and stay on track is driving me nuts. Another thing about me is that I'm a perfectionist and I'm constantly worried about will people understand what I'm trying to say? It's one of my biggest fears, not communicating well. Unfortunately I outthink myself on this a lot and end up saying confusing shit because no one else is thinking as hard and metaphorically as I am. More times than not, I'll say something that-I feel-has a lot of hidden meaning in it that I'm waiting for the other person to pick up on. I don't think it ever works how I want. I like to speak in flowery metaphors and in a poetic way than to explicitly state facts or feelings. When I do feel the need to be straightforward and plain, instead of people being confused they get mad. I do this with family a lot, and they get mad and say I'm trying to "psychoanalyze" or "dominate."

I'm too nice and too sincere. Recently I was listening to a podcast where there was a bit where a bunch of guys were trying to win a date with the female comedian working on the show. This one guy was criticized for being "too sincere." They kept ripping into this guy for basically being nice and genuine. OH NO! HE MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE! SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH HIM, HE'S NICE! I know what /r9k/ would have to say about that.... People tell me I'm a chump or stupid, or even "a fag," for being nice to strangers, being polite to people in the service industry, saying 'thank you' to the building custodian for cleaning up and taking out the garbage. I'm just really nice because I treat people how I would like to be treated. Unfortunately I never feel like it's reciprocated. I wonder on a daily basis if my expectations are so wildly out of proportion with "normal" and that's why I give myself away entirely at every opportunity and feel like my good graces are continually abused.

Imagine it as the crab speaking.

I have really bad hypervigilance. Basically any sudden stimuli freaks me out. It's especially bad with sounds and lights. I just don't bother going to clubs or bars any more. Big restaurants are also tough. When I walk in, I take note of all the exits and start creating scenarios in my head. I do the latter all the time though. I have to intellectually plan out what to do "in case of an emergency" or even plan out a conversation. I notice what people are wearing, asses them as a threat, and keep track of where they've been and what they've been touching and where. I have to make sure if I touch something that it's clean or I need to wash my hands. I really do notice everything it feels like. When talking to someone it's so hard not to continually observe everything they are doing and analyze it for hidden meaning/threats. I get distracted easily though by people moving, breathing, drinking, eating anywhere nearby so I have to work hard to tune it out and often lose my hold on the conversation. The sound of people breathing/eating/swallowing often overloads me and I feel sick and panicky because I can't tune it out. Every guy I ever lived with in college was hell to be around at dinner time with all the lip smacking and feral devouring of every morsel. After my mother died, I could finally watch tv during dinner so I wouldn't have to hear other people eating. It also helped that I was usually the only one at home for the next 2 years It's nearly impossible for me to fall asleep without a fan on nearby to block out all the random noise of the electricity in the walls, people snoring in other apartmen, or-as I like to joke with only mild hyperbole- the sound of ants fucking in the yard.

I don't like hugs because they often hurt. Even just a casual touch can be extremely uncomfortable to endure, emotionally because I feel like I don't deserve it and physically because it just plain hurts. One of the things I would like most in life is just have someone come up from behind and hug me gently around the waist. I don't know why but that would be more lovely than just about anything else that's ever happened to me. Usually I have to initiate anything.

It's a little depressing when I think about the hypervigilance because it makes it so hard to enjoy the company of other people, and despite some social anxiety I really do enjoy people. I just prefer a few, close relationships with small, quiet, calm get-togethers instead of omg r u g2 da club 2nite!?

What do you see when you close your eyes? Blackness? Nothingness? Well for me it is pretty bright, sometimes it makes me wince in pain like stepping suddenly outside into the sunlight. I'll see crazy shapes and colors that may sometimes resolve into images or motion, sometimes thoughts will just float out of them. This is the kind of stuff I read about when looking at sensory deprivation, Ganzfeld experiments or other stuff like that. But this happens no matter what, no matter where. Thankfully it's not disturbing at all, just distracting.


Something like this wouldn't be uncommon.

In fact, it's pretty awesome when it comes to inspiring me for artwork, except the flow never stops and I lose images as fast as they come so unless I'm insanely quick sketching something or describing it in shorthand to myself I'll never regain it. It brings to mind the line from Blade Runner: "All of these moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain." Sometimes I think my brain is teasing me, "ha ha, look at all these awesome ideas you're having too bad you can't keep them."

It's not just images, I have thoughts about song lyrics, poems, beats, philosophical points that should be debated, inventions, you name it. But it's always flowing so fast through my head I'm lucky if I grab one a day and feel satisfied with what I have. Going off the Blade Runner line, I once described this whole thing to my father like this:

Imagine you're standing under a massive waterfall. The water is cold, so cold it feels like it numbs you, but it cuts like knives, it's pounding so hard you struggle to stand your ground. Your face is upturned, so your eyes are closed, you're lost in the sensations of swirling, biting water all around you. In your mouth you have a thin straw to drink through. You have to keep it in your mouth carefully, holding it tight enough to keep it in the flow, keep it balanced, but not too tight that you would crush it with your teeth so that you can still drink. And now, out of all of that you have to drink only certain droplets of water in the whole stream.

That's really what it feels like to me most of the time, just even sitting around. There's so much to analyze, interpret, conceive, decide, etc that I'm just drowning, struggling in that basin below the waterfall. If I could summarize my point/feelings by stealing someone's webcomic, it'd look like this:

Happle Tea is one of the best webcomics I've seen.

But what eats up a lot of my time? Thinking, just straight up bit-crunching thinking about nothing in particular. And when I have a thought, I have to immediately go to Why did I think that? And how did I get to that idea? what would someone say about it from the another perspective? and another and another....Just all kinds of maddening circular thinking that seeks to bisect every thought I have. This of course creates a geometrically increasing train of thought that gets bogged down and cluttered. My brain needs some better coding because it's losing so much to this extra processing.

The thoughts I can grasp onto from the "stream" and examine often get lost in this clutter. So it's a damn struggle to cling to a good idea without losing it in the surrounding ripples of thought.

I want to know how to know if I'm smart. People tell me I'm smart, so should I just believe them? I'm sure there are people that tell Charlie Sheen he's perfectly okay the way he is. I don't know. I can't let anything go, so I think back to my school days when my peers would tell me I was crap and the teachers thought I was a hassle but they wanted to always skip me ahead a few grades. I remember a few specific times that kids would say "yeah well if you're smart then what's the square root of ____ or what's (insert another math problem)." Then when I didn't know they'd laugh and tell me I was a retard. Once, in 8th grade I had a teacher say to me, "What are you, retarded or something?" because I couldn't/didn't want to get up and diagram a sentence on the board.

Then I contrast that with university, where I have professors telling me I should go into a PhD program or giving me A's for what I consider poorly written papers and my classmates aren't doing so well. I always feel like everyone around me is smarter or better than me, so I just don't know how to make sense of it all. I literally, LITERALLY think that the high school drop-out sweeping out the subway station is smarter than I am. At least he has a job, he pays taxes that contribute to society and he has a family. I sit in my room reading books about things 99% of the population doesn't care about and thinking about the metaphysical nature of existence.

I want to know how to know if I am intelligent or if I am just insane. People say that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, but if you're insane then how can you know? Do insane people always know they are insane? Do they think they know what is really going on? Plato said that the true wise man realizes he knows nothing. In that case, does a genius recognize that he knows nothing-or rather- that Knowing the Truth is impossible and therefore he knows that he knows nothing. But then, is that in and of itself something? I'll spare you the next paragraph of me trying to turn this into a logical proof, but it makes me wonder....why does the wise man know he knows nothing but the insane person often feel like they have 1) control and 2) certainty. I guess I'm just talking about certain types of schizophrenics here, but you hear people with crazy ideas (they would call them theories) saying IT'S THE ONLY POSSIBLE ANSWER!!!

Why has it come to be like this? Why is it so seemingly backwards? What is the nature of our being that makes this true? Is it a part of just living in the Universe? Do other creatures on this planet think like that? Do creatures not on this planet think like that? I thought about ending this post with a silly image and a joke but I think I'll end it with a clever story I heard on a podcast.

When I get bogged down in all of this, I try to remember the point of this tale told by Seth Shostak who was the scientific adviser on the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. He was talking with John Cleese and Keanu and some of the other actors about the meaning of life in the Universe. Cleese asked him "surely we must be here for some grander purpose." To which Shostak thoughtfully replied, "maybe, but if you'd asked the same question 100 million years ago the answer then was 'you're just a dinosaur.'"

Please leave some thoughtful replies, I'd like to know what you think about this stuff.

I can hear Shakespeare spinning from here...

2011-04-14T00:52:00.001-04:00

Working on a DEEP post is taking its toll, I'm just not there yet. So you can now enjoy a little spurt of casual creativity.

I was reading the latest Penny Arcade-making fun of kindle, classic literature and Jersey Shore- and chatting with my friend and popped out this little gem off the top of my head. The more I stare at what I did in a few seconds, the more I want to devote an hour or so to polish and finish. Anyway here's a taste to whet your whistle:

From Brosef Derpspeare's upcoming tragedy S'itch, Act III, Scene 1

To gym or tan, that is the question

Whether 'tis more alpha in the mind to suffer

The Swings and slurs of drunk grenades

Or to take abs against a pack of bitches,

And by impressing, fuck them? To hump, to bone

To fuck, perchance to burn, aye but there's the rub

The cream for my rash...the undiscover'd urinary tract

From whose bladder, no pee returns

Thus herepes doth make cowards of us all

And thus the orange hue of Situation

Is sicklied o'er with a pale film of Rid(TM)

Soften now, the slattern Snooki! Gorgon, in thy shrieks

Be all my lays remembered!

LOL 2 DEEP 4 U!

A Sad, Maddening Confession (New Project Pt 1)

2011-04-11T01:46:00.000-04:00

My friends, my colleagues...my fellow human beings. This...this terrible evening I have participated in a crime. Not a simple crime against the laws of pitiable, mortal, men-whose company I thought I no longer needed, for I possessed the ambition to exceed this weak and fallible form...no. No, my friends, I perpetrated a crime against Nature herself.

Though I did not seek fame, fortune, recognition, or reward, I let myself be lured into conspiracy by their sweet words. Little did I know the frightening truth of what we would unleash upon our unsuspecting Universe. It was not my idea...no, to say such easy words is to gloss over the reality of the situation. I stood by and I watched, I aided....my hands are as stained with orangish-brown filling as any other.

Who would have thought the old man had so much Fluff(TM) in him?

The plot was simple enough, to create a being never before seen. But as the life giving machines we would use gurgled to life, I could feel their wicked intent rumbling in my chest like the throaty growl of a stalking beast. Their whirring and spinning blades shinning bone white, the tiny gaping maw at its terminus devouring all light that ventured near, echoing deathly black. I shuddered to even gaze upon it, for the creeping realization of what was to come hit my chest with the force of a prizefighter's deadly fist.

That's when 'it' truly began. Rumbling and whirring, turning and spinning the archaic engine growled and strained to fulfill its task in a gleeful frenzy. I watched as they poured the materials into the raw darkness, and yet I stood there doing NOTHING. Well, once again those easy lies come to my dry, shaking lips. I was recording it. Yes, I stood there filming what would be our great triumph of science and gastromancy. I would capture as best I could with limited human technology the wonder we would create. The smell was...amazing. It transfixed my very soul. My head was swimming in the future possibilities, until the sound began....

The machine began to shake. Glowing, silver runes on its weathered face reflected the harsh light in the laboratory directly into my eyes: K-I-T-C-H-E...My mind couldn't comprehend what it was experiencing, the light too blinding, the sound too....too....I don't know how to describe the sound. It was the smacking lips of devils, slurping and devouring, sucking and extracting the life essence and soul fires of innocent, sentient beings. I felt my gorge rise, copper tasting cruor filled my mouth and blotted out my senses. Still, I remained rooted to that spot.

I watched with unblinking, bloodied eyes as its hollow, translucent body began to pulse and fill with unholy brown gloop. Slowly, achingly slowly...it took shape. The brown serpent grew longer with each passing moment, its vegetarian flesh moist from its birth into our world. As it grew it began to twist and warp, forming many horrifying segments, segments without end, coiling and flopping over and around each other. One segment twisted violently and separated from its kin, spewing its abhorrent, spiced ichor all about us. It howled in rage and pain even as I reached out to hold it. Why? I do not know, maybe in my heart I pitied it...but as I took its body in my hand I was flooded with a sensation of...ickiness. My eyes were truly Opened. My soul was illuminated even as it was burned to ash by the power of this daemon.

I dropped to my knees on the hard linoleum, blood trickling from the corners of my mouth, eyes weeping an unending flood of tears (and a little bit of marshmallow fluff stuck in my beard). I thrust my arms up towards the heavens, my upturned face ready to receive judgment from on high for the horror I had helped to bear. I sought to name this beast, though even the crackling of conscious thought on the subject singed my mouth. I gritted my teeth and tensed my failing body and I called out this daemon's name even as the words burned my tongue like a cinnamonny flame:

PUMPKIN...PIE....DESSERT.....SAUSAAAAAAAAGE!

I'm Pudding This Here So I Can Ketchup On Writing -or- Cooking With Derp

2011-04-09T03:35:00.002-04:00

Oh to know what goes on in my brain. Hell I wish I knew... I have WAY too much going on up there that it's hard to keep track. I'm writing a few things up there at the moment and I need more time to flesh out some ideas. I tend to write kind of stream of consciousness so I can be pretty damn long winded.

Anyway, it was cold and rainy today and I was feeling pretty sad so I decided to cook something. And what better "a something" than soups/stews for a cold day? A short time ago I got pissed at cooking threads on /fit/ (yeah, I browse /fit/ and lift...) which contain some of the most awful, bland, poorly conceived recipes. So I decided I'd make something to contribute. Some 'OC' if you will. I even calculated approximate nutrition for those guys. Behold, a New Mexico classic: Green Chile Stew...with a twist. Click for full image and save it, and try it, and love it.

Now the instructions in the image are pretty generic but I'll go in depth now.

Let me begin at the beginning.

Stock pot, always related. Make sure it has a lid for when you go to simmer.

Slight more than a pound, but who cares?

Raw meat looks and feels so disgusting but it's definitely worth it.

Hatch chiles, accept no substitute. Unless you have to. In which case cayenne pepper will do. Just to add some heat and complexity of heat-flavor.

About a tablespoon of the good stuff.

Poor attempt at showing how to chop onion. Angle the knife to make wedges.

Around an inch long chop.

Meat has chile powder and garlic powder added in, then onions. I did it different from directions because I'm that good.

Don't forget.

You COULD use water, but....well why would you?


WHAT CALORIES LURK IN THE CELLS OF TUBERS?! THE SHADOW KNOWS....

EAT MEEEE

I put in two cans, because I wanted a rich chile flavor. These are only mild so it wouldn't hurt me.

Looking good...and traditional, but it needs more green.

HOT green chiles, courtesy of my very lovely Aunt who roasted and froze them for me in NM and brought them here.

Smell-o-vision fucking WHEEEEEEERE?! Add 2-4 bay leaves at this point when you set it to simmer for a bit for a deeper flavor, remember to remove them when done. The flavor will intensify with time and it gets too strong.

Ahh, kale. It's a great veggie, very cheap and very nutritious.

Here's a quick how-to video about preparing kale. I find the stems annoying so this will show you how to remove them if you so wish.


Chop it pretty well, easier to chew.

Dump it in and cover, simmer a bit.


Add salt, pepper to taste but it should be about perfect really. If there's no kale in your area I'd say try spinach or swiss chard.

The great thing about soups is that they're easy and give you a good amount of food that can last you a long time. This right here is about 8-10 big bowls. One bowl will definitely fill you up for hours and gives you good nutrition, fiber and flavor. It's also reasonably cheap to make. All told it's probably cheaper than a double baconator meal and 9000x better for you. The only problem is that if you don't like spice you can adjust it to your tastes...which may take some doing but just use cayenne pepper or no pepper. Mild green chiles shouldn't bother you unless you have a medical issue. Make sure they're roasted.

Cooking is a great hobby. It gives you a skill to develop and take pride in, it's useful to impress ladies or gents, you get to eat great food, and it's healthier than wolfing down premade crap.

It's a real bitch to take pictures while cooking so I hope everything is clear. Feel free to ask questions or leave comments. I have a few more food related posts, and a special dish I am creating PURELY FROM THEORY for a friend which I will share as well down the line.

Fear and Loathing in Cyberspace

2011-04-07T04:07:00.000-04:00

First and most importantly, listen to this

Now that we're on the same page emotionally...I'm scared. Scared of all of this crap. I've got a bunch of varied ideas for projects to create, as I mentioned, but I worry about them coming back to haunt me. In the age of the Internet what gets posted lasts forever pretty much. Most people feel a sense of liberation from the sense of pseudo-anonymity on Ye Oldde Tubes, but it's a false sense of security. If someone wants to find out who you are and find out where you live and any of your personal info, well it's not going to be hard if they have the skills.

It really worries me, I want to be able to speak my mind or be adventurous with comedy and maybe push the limits here and there. I've been on stage doing improv before and have slipped into the "just act/speak" mode where there is almost no filter holding me back and have thankfully managed to not get myself in trouble. I'm a big fan of blasphemy. I think that sacred cows are meant to be slaughtered-on occasion. Some of my personal heroes are people like Richard Dawkins, Matt and Trey from South Park, magicians Penn & Teller, PZ Meyers, and George Carlin. All people who aren't afraid to say things that bring some color to the face. I like to think of myself as a scientist, in the same way I think of myself as a philosopher. Everyone on Earth is both those things to some extent, just how much they decide to examine the physical and metaphysical nature of the Universe varies.

Of course freedom isn't free

...but I don't want to be the next Salman Rushdie or Giordanno Bruno. Then again I doubt any of the (if I'm lucky) 20 or so people who visit this site a week care enough to come after me for my dumb jokes and poorly thought out essays. However, my identity is forever linked to these words and they could come back to haunt me. I don't think I'd ever run for public office so I'm not worried about that but any kind of comment that in the future might not be so polite could be a potential disaster for me. Or what if my efforts pay off in the future and my "media empire" starts to get popular, more people start reading and BAM! I become the target of some internet vigilante campaign?

Derp, you dun goofed.

Now, I freely admit that I often go to a worst case scenario. In fact, if I were to name my strongest skill I would say it's the ability to instantly find flaws in any idea, plan, experimental design, or person- especially if said flaw/catastrophe is beyond the laws of probability in our ordered, natural universe. Give me a topic and a few minutes and I'll give you a horrific and complicated breakdown of how it will explode and destroy all life on Earth.

But of course, all life is risky. You could die any time and you need to not live in fear or you'll never really live at all. Trying to stay true to that every day is pretty damn hard but I'm trying.

In the end, all that matters is knowing this:

RELEASE THE DERPEN!

2011-04-05T01:09:00.000-04:00

Damn I've been gone long. Well, I have a new plan to create an actual media empire. I've been fighting through this depression and getting kicked in the teeth by life for enough that I've built up a dammed lake of thoughts and musings that can be expressed in multiple formats.

I´m looking to branch out into some art, maybe a comic, definitely a podcast, and of course the blog. Even if no one reads or listens or views, I'll still be feeling the joy of creating which is what I love. Hopefully I can find something interesting in my back log to post tomorrow and then I need to work on getting people back to viewing this page which is never easy. Then again, nothing in (my) life ever is.

We're Doomed, part 39373438293034812.333

2010-11-11T12:07:00.002-05:00

Wake up, see this what do?

God will decide when to end the Earth, not man. The obvious inference is that Congressman Shimkus thinks humans cannot destroy the Earth, or hurt its habitability. Terrific.

Watch this crazy shit here. I'm amazed. I really think he's just bullshitting because no one can be this retarded and hold office right?

Whatever happened to god helping those who help themselves?

Sorry I haven't been working on my blog for a while due to life circumstances and I've been making a little money digitizing ooooold documents for my father's business and at the end of the day I'm tired of typing. If you're living at home on your parents' dime you might as well contribute to their ability to make money to pay for you. This weekend I'm going to relax (ha!) at Anime USA where I'm also volunteering (because I don't have enough things to do). I can't remember the last time I actually sat and watched something but it's going to be free, I'll get to push around nerds and hang out with people I know.

And of course buy a sugoii love-pillow ^___________________________________^

Hurts So Good

2010-11-02T15:39:00.002-04:00

Aww yeah, gotta love politics. So I'm just watching CNN because nothing else is on and BAM this shit comes on. I don't want to influence how you view it so watch and then scroll down because page breaks isn't working how I want...

I hope you see what I see.
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Gotta love that race baiting xenophobia. Jesus Christ, it's so falsely menacing and preys on emotion more than policy. The Chinese are laughing at YOU and laughing at your penis size. AND WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE CHINESE MEN?! THEY'LL NEED WIVES BECAUSE THEY KILL ALL THEIR GIRLS THEY'LL TAKE OUR WHITE DAUGHTERS!!!! Citizens United fucked America hard and dry with their Supreme Court case that eventually lead to letting corporations spend unlimited and anonymous funds on political ads. Who's ready for never ending elections?

Back, From Outer Space

2010-11-01T14:53:00.000-04:00

Well, what a hectic week. I'm glad all that's over now. Also it kept me from ranting about politics which is good. I've been so frustrated with this election cycle (like they all aren't horrible nightmares) and sometimes I couldn't tell if I was watching a disaster film on Syfy or a special edition of Fox News Reports. There was a bright spot, however.

So moe I'm gonna die~

I'm all ready to do my civic duty tomorrow, and I'm lucky my polling location is across the street :D. Please remember if you are eligible to vote, you should. I don't have any party affiliation but there's no advantage is sitting out on elections. Even if you don't vote on candidates there are ballot measures that can impact you relating to tax collection, infrastructure, and in some areas WEED BRO. Republican, Democrat, Indepenedent, or other...let your voice be heard. Sure the American political system is pretty broken and holds voters hostage to two polarized sides, but it's what we've got right now and if you let "the other guys" discourage you then you've just been disenfranchised. It's not about patriotism or flag waving. As an American voter you have a modicum of power to wield as you wish so not using it is just throwing away a gift that not few in the history of the world have known. Don't let it go to waste, don't ignore the struggle of your fellow countrymen (and women).

Blah

2010-10-24T21:42:00.001-04:00

Wow, I am just feeling so exhausted this week. Tons of driving around and parties and working, I am just out of energy to do much of energy. That was, until I found this song. I have no idea who this guy is but I love the song, the music and the message. It's B&W related, but I think it's a bit positive too.

It does contain some f-bombs and other objectionable language, so watch your volume at work.

Cee Lo Green - F**k You from Matthew Stawski on Vimeo.

Tonight, a Very Special Episode of Derp Files, 2/??

2010-10-21T01:58:00.000-04:00

First of all, wow! I'm so happy to hit 100 followers. One hundred plus people think this is good stuff. This week's been a bit hectic, but I'm going to continue on with some ethical stuff, expanding on something I wrote a few years ago. It's kind of long so I'm trying page breaks again. I plan to do something special as a thanks for 100 follows. Always gotta top myself. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS ON THIS, I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC.

And now, let's time travel back to my high school ethics class.

Pretty much everything I read in that class has been saved in my personality to some degree. All my experiences in that class heavily influenced me at the time, and by now have been whittled down, pruned, and have formed the core of my ethical outlook. One of the strongest roots of that ethical philosophy is Utilitarianism. (WARNING: NERD CONTENT AHEAD) The best way I can think to succinctly summarize the point of view is: The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. That is, of course, a line famously spoken by Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. I can remember two times he says it, the most poignant is after having saved the ship from danger and lays dying alone in the reactor of the damaged Enterprise. To a logical race like Vulcans, this utilitarian maxim would be a second nature and a sacrifice like this would not merit too much debate.

This rap came after the one I mentioned. Totally.

Logic dictates that the "value" of one person is not as great as the several hundred other people on the starship all combined who will die if action is not taken. We often exalt this type of action and call it heroism, a soldier who falls on a grenade to save his platoon, a person who runs into a burning home to search for persons in need of help, or-depending on your point of view- a suicide bomber who straps explosives to him or herself in order to kill "the enemy." I hope we can all be adult enough to realize heroism is subjective. One man's hero can be another man's terrorist and vice versa. I do NOT believe such things are useful, but some do, that's what I'm pointing out. And of course there's altruism too, but what I really wanted to touch on was something different.

Continuing on from my broken thoughts...I really liked utilitarianism, which is odd because it is so logical and almost mathematical and I was not into either of those things when I was a junior in HS. It just made sense to me at the time, and it meshed with my ingrained values. I believed it was important to do good, and whatever seeks to create the most good by causing the least harm seems like the most obvious choice in ethical systems, right? Well, all was not well in my school. We had many a heated debate about this subject. People love the cruel ethical dilemmas. "Would you torture a baby to save a thousand people from a horrible disease" or whatever morbid spin you wish. I remember being one of the few people to agree with this unpopular argument, and I did it nearly unflinchingly. HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN?! Easily. One baby to save a thousand people? That's not even a challenge. I'd do it to save fifty probably. (Sexist time:) Mostly it was the girls who got on my case in these examples and I think it's just a natural thing and not truly sexist to say that men are more mathematical and logical and women are more emotional and social. This generalized split serves some kind of purpose, and that purpose is to ride my ass in ethical discussions. God they were all pains. I think it was the "baby" that did it. Babies exemplify helplessness and innocence (unless you believe in original sin, in which case HAHAHA!) so the thought of harming one is anathema to a "normal" person, especially one who can give birth to a helpless infant.

Quick detour. My main gripe with utilitarianism is the math part. I'm sure for an insurance adjuster it's easy to determine someone's absolute value (though, in what units would you put it? dollars? utils? guns and butter?) but for the layman who's in a crisis what are we to do? Large numbers are fairly easy to handle. One life to save a million? Bah! I'll chop his head off myself. One million lives sacrificed to save one and a half million? I pause at that. I just don't feel so confident there. One life to save two? A similar stay of execution. Of course nothing that's based in real life could be absolute and cover every contingent. For example would you kill a doctor to harvest his organs to save six convicted pedophiles? I certainly wouldn't. Even though they're more "lives" I consider their value as less. But who makes that call ultimately? That alone could fill a book of thousands of pages I'm sure. I just wanted to make it clear I have my own personal gripes. Ethical systems aren't perfect. They're man-made and deal with mankind who are a pain in the ass, or so I've heard. The point of this ethics is to serve as a general heuristic I think. Do the most good, while doing the least harm.

So, back to me getting pooped on in class. I often said outrageous things, sometimes to test people, sometimes to be outrageous, and sometimes because I actually believed it. My eagerness to kill an innocent child to save the village was frowned upon. To me it just made me angry that people would be willing to harm so many when the solution was simple if a little messy and sad. Thinking back I should have brought up "The Giver," that book most of us read in elementary school about the Utopian society where the one person in the village gets to take on the terrible burden of the collective's memories from before the happy time. Not a perfect analogy but it just occurred to me as I was typing.

COMMUNIST PLOT, ALL PART OF IMAM OBAMA'S PLAN!!! QUICK BUY FROZEN BEEF STROGANOFF AND GOLD!

What also always made me angry was when movies glorified the idea of putting tons of people at risk for the sake of one person. I don't think it's a bad thing for our society to value life, and value individualism; and I don't think that utilitarianism contradicts these values. But in a movie where the hero gives up the nuke codes because some people he's never met might die (and only like 20 of them) make me so fucking ANGRY! Another situation is where someone is under pressure of pain or death to give up info or perform a task which will result in many many deaths. Of course they give it up, and I suspect most of us would to avoid pain, but with a gun to your head it'd be quite easy to resist. Of course you should die to protect the lives of millions, hold out as long as you friggin can. Of course it's not as good a story if the "right" thing happens, if the terrorists can't get the codes the movie ends pretty damn quick. And in most dramas the hero saves the day in the end so it's all super okey-dokey ^_^. To quote Die Hard: "This time John Wayne does not walk off into the sunset with Grace Kelly." ("That was Gary Cooper, asshole"). Basically the ending isn't always a happy one and you should be a little more miserly with those launch codes. Just remembered another reason Die Hard is so awesome, he doesn't save Ellis. The Lieutenant gets pissed but Powell points out that they'd both be dead; and of course all the hostages would have died all according to keikaku* (TL note: keikaku means "plan").

Would you want to save this prick?

Now we come to the main stage. I'm trying to hurry up because I'm freakin' tired. What always gets me in these kinds of ethical arguments is when people say "well, what if it were your child?" or "what if it were you?" As in, what if people I loved were on the line in these dilemmas. It's like, if I admit I wouldn't like it that my whole argument falls apart in every circumstance. If I alone had to suffer excruciating pain for 5 years to cure all cancer forever I'd still try to run away probably. People are selfish, I'm selfish I don't like pain and I like to be alive. But society shouldn't be so coddling. I'd say ignore my pleas for mercy and release and torture the fuck out of me. I'd try to get away at every moment I could but I shouldn't be allowed to. I'm just not as valuable as the potential to cure cancer forever. If my son or daughter had to be sacrificed to save the village (and not in some misguided religious sense where the child is thought to be a witch and possessed by Satan, I'm talking about reality here)

Killing Nick Cage to bring back your honey is also kind of lame, but it's hella funny.

I'd not be happy and I'd totally fight it, but it should be done over my protests. WELL YOU SAY THAT NOW! Is what I hear(d). Duh! Why should someone listen to me when I'm emotional and hysterical? I don't think that's the most effective way to operate. You need to think about it and not just operate on fear. "Fear is the mind killer." What grinds my gears are the people who say they wouldn't hurt one animal (for testing and such) to cure all the diseases in the world. Thankfully this isn't a mainstream belief as far as I know, but I agree. We should test on those people if they love animals so much. Any reasonable person would see the usefulness of RESPONSIBLE animal testing, but that's another post.

So, yeah, it always pisses me off in an argument where people try to make me look like a hypocrite, and as if that hypocrisy erodes my entire argument wholesale. I don't make any claims that I'm a Terminator cyborg or something with no feelings who would throw babies into a volcano for curing someone's arthritis. That's just fucking stupid. Who would make that argument? I bet you would...you...you disgust me... Just because I would oppose the use of myself or loved ones in any kind of pain or life sacrifice for the greater good doesn't mean I don't actually believe in my ethics. It means I'm a human being and I can't help being one. It also means you should disregard my complaints and do what's right even if it's hard to swallow.

Hobo With a Shotgun?!

2010-10-19T15:40:00.001-04:00

Who's ready for some work distractions?

This looks simply amazing. I love the look of it, great stylization. Rutger Hauer is the MAN, you can't deny it.

Christmas? More like Conformistmas...

2010-10-16T22:46:00.000-04:00

GENTLEMAN! BEHOLD....

2010-10-15T12:50:00.001-04:00

DISTRACTIONS!

I'm not quite sure what this is, but Japan always seems to make me laugh with sheer random delight.

Just in time for Halloween, a ridiculous series on Fearnet about killer zombie squirrels. You know you always wanted it. Watch it free here.
I especially like how the squirrels can pull a full grown man under a car.

Let's Get Serious, or The Good Life (1/?)

2010-10-14T23:23:00.010-04:00

Have you ever felt like the Universe is trying to tell you something? Do you ever feel the hand and presence of Jehovah guiding every action of your life and whispering in your ear? If so, click here. Anyway, what I mean is that, sometimes coincidences happen and your brain fills in the gaps it needs to to make things come together in a meaningful way.

A while ago I mentioned I had been thinking about death and the meaning of life. There were some reasons for that which I will get to. But yesterday I was driving happily to a friends house to do some of the nerdy things we enjoy. I was about to drive through my green light, while traveling at the legal speed limit of 55 mph when some jerk coming the other way decides he's going to try and make a left turn, he then slowed down and I think he even stopped right in front of me. I slammed on my breaks and missed/stopped short of hitting him by maybe a foot. I didn't think was going to stop in time, my life flashed before my eyes, and I faced my past in all it's "glory."

I remembered that I had promised to write about this kind of stuff, and I "felt" like it was divine inspiration. Also, fuck you Manipulator...scared the piss out of me. Please read on if you'd like to read my thoughts on life, working through depression and tragedy, and finding personal meaning. There will be multiple parts so I can draw this out...as well as elaborate on points I feel are helpful. This is for you guys. I came up with this idea because I was reading a bunch of blogs that seemed so sad and down, hopeless even. Unfortunately what is to come will be painful, but ultimately uplifting and strengthening. If you want to just get some quick tips and skip the back-story no worries, click the read more and go to the bottom of the post.

Last week would have been my partner's birthday. She and I had been together for nearly 3 years. Earlier this year she decided that life was too much for her, and she left. Even in all the time we spent together, talking about the most intimate things...I didn't know she was going to do anything. I probably don't need to tell you that it really really messed me up inside. I'm still not healed, and I probably never will be...but I can live through it.

Firstly I want to say. If you, or anyone you know is in crisis then click this. Don't keep reading, click...NOW. No matter how bad you think your life is there are people who do care about you, and maybe there are people out there you haven't met that are going to care about you someday. Please, just try.

This post is an introduction, a mission statement if you will. I want to let you know what keeps me going and what I plan to talk about more specifically. As I've said, I've spent a lot of time thinking about this stuff. My life circumstances, my education, my genes...they probably all conspired to make me this way. I would consider myself a "seeker." I'm probably a prime candidate for a cult, except I have a decent amount of scruples and a more-or-less logical way of thinking.

Growing up I liked machines. I wanted to be an engineer before I realized I was bad at math. I liked to tinker and visualize how things worked in my head. I was always doing thought experiments, and liked to stretch my mind far beyond my limits. I was also kind of lonely, so I had plenty of alone, quiet time to think about this stuff. When I eventually got to high school, I got into a special program where one of the courses was a class in Ethics. I started this class my junior year, just a few months after my mother had died. The topic for the year was "What's it mean to lead a Good Life?" We read a variety of works the summer before and during the year from authors like Nietzsche, Plato, Aristotle, John Stuart Mill, Confucius, and Marcus Aurelius (yeah the guy from Gladiator).


I sleep on a marble slab, doesn't it do wonders for my complexion? I'm 59, but don't look a day under dead.

My young mind was ready and eager to be filled with meaning. I wanted to know why the world was so cruel that it would give me a life like the one I had. I would spend all that time, and the time up to now thinking about the things I'd read and tie them into EVERYTHING in my life. Just like physicists want a grand unifying theory of Everything, I want a formula for life. That's what philosophy is, and ethics are the rules you follow to lead The Good Life.

What I'm going to talk about coming up are some of my favorite elements of the works I've read, some things I've come up with on my own and trying to tie it up together in a neat package. But since it's going to come in parts you may not want to wait, you may want to get started immediately on improving your life. I'm not a guru, I'm not selling anything...yet...and I don't really want anyone to get hurt so check with a doctor, psychologist, whatever you need to before doing anything. I'm sure your insurance has a free nursing line, or you can call your doctor. But don't do anything to hurt yourself and these are just guidelines.

What can you do right now to feel better:

Go outside- Vitamin D is important. You can get it from milk and sardines but not enough, also sunlight just makes you feel good.
Eat Healthier- Not a doctor, but I'll tell you that I've felt a hundred times better since I cut my calories in half and started eating a more balanced diet with lots of lean protein and fiber.
Express Yourself- Sounds kinda gay? So what. If you bottle up your feelings, they're just going to spill out at the wrong time. Allowing yourself to feel in a constructive way feels rewarding and less shameful. You can't control your immediate emotional responses but you can control how you act. If you stand up for yourself when you're feeling upset or put-upon, you'll start to do it more automatically and build DAT ESTEEM. I plan to talk a lot more about this, mostly because it's been a personal issue with me. Journaling and art are also good ways to express yourself. Even once in a while it's ok to bitch in your blog about your personal stuff if you'd like, though it's not necessary to air your feelings to a wide audience.
And lastly...remember....even if it all falls apart. Kittens still love you.

It are can be hugs tiem now?