Caitlin, etc.

Of Course It's Raining

2016-03-07T10:11:00.002-07:00

An Update!

I'm writing this from beautiful Seattle, Washington today.

My company recently got acquired so I'm here for a conference, schmoozing and sipping martinis and pretending I know what I'm talking about.

I decided this time to at least fake it a little better so I've been looking straight ahead when I walk, not breaking eye contact when shaking hands, and just trying to be more confident. I mean I do kind of know what I'm doing. Sort of.

Seattle is a really nice city. It's nice to walk in, there's lots of good food, it's quite scenic, and I don't really mind the rain because it's pretty warm. My only issue so far has been aggressive panhandlers (this one guy actually circled around inside the hotel lobby and asked us for money like 4 times), but I think that's more my issue of being from a tiny town and hating confrontation.

I miss home a lot. I don't know exactly yet what the new travel commitments for this will be so we have some thinking and planning to do.

Amelia is doing great with Rob which is a welcome change from how my trips used to go. She's mostly happy and smiling and that makes ME happy and smiling. I really do miss her though.

I've been hand lettering every day and hating everything I do, which I'm told is part of the creative process but it still sucks. I keep plugging away though. It's quite relaxing for me because it takes brain power but not so much that I can't do other things at the same time. I made an Instagram account just to share the stuff I do and you can find that here if you are interested.

I'm about to head to Starbucks to find the one gluten-free thing I can eat (they now have gluten-free rice krispie squares so that'll probably be breakfast).

I love you all. <3

Written While Watching the Super Bowl

2016-02-07T20:27:00.001-07:00

I had such big plans to resurrect my blog after my sort-of-radio silence.

But honestly...my life is just a series of monotonous routines.

On Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays our day revolves around Amelia, for obvious. Her naps, my guilt about how much she watches TV and plays on the iPad, her breakfast her lunch her dinner, her time outside poking stuff with sticks, it's all relatively predictable. On Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays she's in daycare and though I always have such great plans to get stuff done, it usually just...doesn't.

It's hard because I don't know what I could possibly write that would be interesting to anyone.

Basically our days center around just making it from second to second, just like they always have. Amelia is a dream toddler, honestly - minimal tantrums, she eats well, is learning to play independently, etc. - but that'll change soon and I'll be left wondering which biblical demon possessed my darling child.

Thaaaat's parenthood!

Anyway I'm going to try to write about...not kid things.

Hand lettering! I've been doing this pretty extensively and it's become my go-to method for decompression after my darling child goes to sleep. I think I'm getting better at it, but not as quickly as I'd like. If you want to see what I've been working on check me out on Instagram, because it's late and I'm tired and lazy and don't want to upload photos.

I've started up therapy again, which has been really helpful in light of a whole new host of anxieties that have arisen since I became a parent. Lately we've been addressing my strong sense of self-awareness and how I use it as an excuse to not feel feelings. I always like diving into the depths of my dysfunction so it's been an altogether good experience.

The weather around here has been absolutely insane. We have no snow on the ground. In February. For Vermont that's completely unheard of. We keep waiting for winter to happen and then it just...doesn't. We have a few snowstorms ahead of us but they're all like, 1-3 inches. I know I always complain about winter but I wouldn't mind a little bit of it.

So. That's basically all that's going on right now. I love you all.

Thoughts on Kids and Gender: A Post in 4 Acts

2016-01-07T07:43:00.001-07:00

Over the summer, Amelia and I were hanging out in the kids' section at our local library. Sharing the space with us was a group of preschoolers and their teacher, who was herding children from activity to activity and making sure they didn't throw themselves off of couches or the pile of beanbags.

At one point the kids gathered in a corner of the room while their teacher read to them. A little girl named Ava, who looked like a miniature Carrie Brownstein, threw herself on her back and kicked her legs in the air. The teacher stopped reading and said,

"Ava, you're wearing a dress. You need to sit on your bottom."

First I felt a flash of anger--how dare this teacher stifle Ava's creative decision to throw her legs in the air just because of her dress?

But then, I reasoned, Ava did have to learn that socially speaking we don't flash our underwear to everyone in the room. The teacher wasn't wrong, and neither was Ava for choosing to wear a dress that day.

What I settled on, then, was the realization that this is something boys generally don't have to think about--and something we don't really consider for them. There are few, if any, items of mainstream boys' or men's clothing that are policed in the same way as dresses and skirts.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

From my perspective, with a few exceptions, parents spend more time thinking about what their daughters wear than their sons. Girls' clothes are deemed "cuter" and "nicer" whereas, in general, boys' clothes are seen as more utilitarian. Look at the girls' shoe section and the selection largely prioritizes appearance over function (for example, ballet flats with a smooth sole over chunky sneakers).

You are far more likely to hear a mom chastising her daughter, in cute patent leather flats, for crawling in the dirt or running through the mud.

It's been this discrepancy that has guided us through our approach to clothing for Amelia, more than color or subject. For as long as I have control over what she wears, I don't want her clothes or her shoes to ever keep her from moving as freely as she wants to. I don't want to teach her that how you look is more important than what you can do.

I try to model this for her as well. When we are outside, I don't shy away from rolling down a hill or getting grass stains on my jeans. While it's important to take care of possessions, there is nothing wrong with getting dirty outside.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I think one of the downfalls of sticking with "gender neutral" clothing is the subtle message sent to girls that "feminine" things are somehow inferior and that they should aspire to be more like boys. There may come a time when Amelia only wants to wear dresses, and that is not something I want to discourage as long as she is the one choosing it for herself. Clothes can be fun, clothes can be useful, but they do not have to have intrinsic value in relation to who we are as people.

(I might just slap on some leggings or tights too so she can kick her legs in the air all she wants.)

I'm not naive enough to think that this approach will allow us to avoid the pitfalls of gender roles. There are many forces at play in a kid's life and as a parent I have much less control than it may seem. The bottom line for us is that we want Amelia to feel like she can wear and be anything as long as it makes her happy. She will have many subtle gender-related messages relayed to her throughout her life and our goal is to, as much as possible, minimize those she receives from us at home.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I went to pick Amelia up from daycare one day and the kids were playing dress-up. Amelia was dressed in a blueberry costume and a blue tutu (and yeah, she looked adorable). One boy was dressed in a bumble bee costume, and his twin brother was a lady bug. The other little boy was wearing a princess costume with a pink tutu.

I commented to the teachers on how cute everyone looked and they told me that everyone had picked their own costumes.

It made me happy that some of the other important people in Amelia's life don't seem to get all that hung up on appearance over fun and autonomy.

New Year, Three Things

2016-01-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

Heyyyy theeere friends.

I went a few weeks without writing a real post and as I got further and further away from it I had less and less motivation to try. But I'm feeling it now and god knows that feeling doesn't happen too often, so here I am.

Truth be told I'm taking up Suzy's challenge to write down any 3 things to jump start my blog into existence in 2016. Yeah yeah, I know she wrote it 2 weeks ago, but my Bloglovin' feed is backed up so I'm just getting to it. Here are my three things:

1. I've been getting into hand-lettering lately. It started kind of randomly - I was on the floor drawing with Amelia a lot and found myself doodling more and more with words and simple drawings. When we got our Christmas cards I decided to try my hand at playing with names and addresses. They weren't that great but I had fun nonetheless. After that I puttered around on Pinterest and found some designs and tutorials, and I've been going crazy with it since then. Like I'm literally doing it every night, from the time Amelia goes to sleep to the time we go to bed. I'm trying to give myself a lot of leeway with it - not giving up or hating myself when I'm not making progress as quickly as I'd like. It's been a good exercise in that way.

Here's another challenge for me: I've been sharing these even though it kills me to do so because of how terrible I'm sure they look.

2. Along those lines - I'm reading this book about avoiding overparenting and the importance of letting your kids fail. It's given me a lot of perspective on my own fear of failure and how I can work to make sure that I don't project it onto Amelia. I've been using hand-lettering to help me break out of my fear at not being great at stuff instantly and so far it's going pretty well. In the book they talk about the difference between a fixed mindset (the belief that our skills are fixed and can't be changed - "I'm not a good artist," "I'm bad at math," etc.) and a growth mindset (believing that skills can be developed and honed - "I can get good at art if I just keep practicing."). I figure the best way to teach Amelia to not fear failure is to model a growth mindset for her. It may not make a difference, but I figure it can't hurt either of us to not fall to pieces every time I suck at something.

3. It's winter! And it's cold! Amelia has been spending more time inside for obvious reasons, though we have taken her outside exploring in the woods. It's really cool to watch actually. The other day I was at the bottom of a little hill and told her to walk to me. She looked at the hill, studied it a bit, then sat down and slid to the bottom. THEN we walked over to a felled tree, and I asked if she wanted to go over it. She let go of my hand, got down on the ground and crawled under it. I know these are tiny things, but it's so. freaking. cool. to watch her problem solve.

So there you go, three things going on in my life now. Happy New Year, friends!

Survey Like it's 2005

2015-12-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

I don't have a real post in me, so here's a 2005-style survey I found on Tumblr. Steal away.

1. What is your go-to flavor of salad dressing?
For "normal" flavors, ranch. But if I go to the grocery store I pick Annie's Lemon and Chive.

2. What's the t-shirt you wear the most?
During the summer just a boring grey one, during the winter I wear one of Rob's long-sleeved shirts from his crew in New Mexico.

3. What TV show can you quote the most?
Oh god, quoting movies and TV shows is like one of my 3 talents. I guess the top ones are 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Seinfeld, and The Office.

4. Do you put your left shoe on first or your right?
Had to think about this but I think right.

5. What's your study routine?
Read, get distracted on the internet, stress, read some more. Back when I had to study anyway.

6. One sound you can't stand?
A fork scraping against a plate.

7. Hot showers or cold showers?
Stupid question.

8. Breakfast or no breakfast?
Breakfast, but it has to be easy to make and eat. Laziness beats out over hunger every time.

9. What age were you given "the talk"?
It was kind of an ongoing thing in my house. I remember being given a book about it around age 9 or 10.

10. Ice in drinks or no ice?
No ice. Don't water my shit down.

11. What's one Halloween candy that you would hate getting as a child?
Mary Janes or Dots.

12. Blue jeans, skinny jeans, leggings, shorts, or no pants at all?
Skinny jeans or leggings.

13. What's one slang term you refuse to use?
Cray or bae.

14. Hardback, paperback, or ebooks?
Hmm, I'd have to say hardcovers. Easier to hold in the bath.

15. Would you rather go through the drive through or go inside?
Go inside.

16. Do you keep your car neat or messy?
It used to be neat but now very, very messy.

17. What's the first app you check when you wake up?
Facebook probably.

18. If I looked in your wallet, what would I find?
Cards, ID, and a bunch of coupons. Plus some sentimental photos and crap.

19. Spicy food or non-spicy food?
Generally non-spicy.

2015-11-11T13:32:00.003-07:00

Hey guys! Long time no blog.

I've decided that I'd like to drag myself back into blogging. I miss it, or at least what it was a few years ago. I still interact with blog friends on other platforms, and I find that microblogging fits where I am mentally nowadays, but long-form blogging still has my heart.

So here's what's going on lately.

I hate to jinx it, but daycare for Amelia has been going a lot better lately. She still cries at every drop off, but it's much shorter lived and sometimes she doesn't even look back at me. It's been a rough slog, honestly. I've had a few people tell me that it's "good I stuck with it" even though it was hard, which made me second guess myself even more than I already was. Like, wait, should I not have stuck with it? Am I a bad mom? SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Despite the doubt, I'm happy we did stick with it. I can't keep her home with me forever, and since we aren't planning on homeschooling, I figure it's better for her to get used to it now than throwing her to the wolves unprepared at age 5. Parenthood, man.

There isn't much going on with me outside of my role as Executive Baby Manager. Some exciting things are happening career-wise. I've been rewatching the original Twilight Zone, and Rob and I started to watch The Great British Bake-Off thanks to Suzy's recommendation. It's very British and makes both of us want cake (only one of us can actually eat cake, however).

We took Amelia ice skating for the first time last week. We apparently failed to learn our lesson from the last 16 months and took her despite the fact that she woke up from a nap in a pissy mood. She was not pleased. She's also going through this thing right now where she hates to have articles of clothing taken off, and we didn't plan around that. So the first attempt at taking her sneakers off and putting skates on was...unsuccessful. She refused to leave my arms and we started to feel discouraged. We pushed on, though, and got her slowly used to walking on the ice in just her sneakers. By the end she loved it and I felt really proud - proud of her for overcoming her anxiety and trying a new thing despite her fear, and proud of us for not giving into the "easy" thing and just up and leaving. I don't know if it will stay with her, but right now she's showing a lot of signs of anxiety, particularly with new people and new situations, so I'm trying to figure out how best to approach it especially with her still being (mostly) nonverbal.

Today is Veterans Day, which we usually celebrate with a few drinks and general fun things. Rob had the day off, and it's daycare day, so we went out to eat and hung around at home. It was nice since the next few weeks will be busy: we are taking Amelia to her first women's hockey game, my dad and stepmom are coming to visit, and of course Thanksgiving shenanigans. We're also trying to get as much enjoyment out of fall before winter comes.

So that's life now...just same old same.

More Fall Goodness

2015-10-23T20:29:00.003-06:00

Because you haven't heard enough about how great fall is, right?

I promise that at the very least there are no pumpkin spice lattes in this post. I've never even had a pumpkin spice latte.

A couple of weekends ago we took Amelia to the local pumpkin patch (the same one we took her to last year! TRADITIONS!). Turns out the prediction I made last year was true--it was a much more fun this trip than last year. She loved running around and stumbling and grabbing tiny pumpkins and clinging to my legs whenever a stranger looked at her for longer than a few seconds.

There are a lot of tough things to this age--moods, tantrums, and lack of verbal communication in particular--but I am by and large loving it.

We managed to pick what ended up being the last weekend for peak foliage which meant the pictures came out beautifully (in addition to the obvious cuteness granted to them by my spawn). As this weekend approaches many of the leaves have fallen, and those that remain are brown or rust-colored. Looks like winter's coming no matter how many times I dance around a fire or sacrifice a goat during a full moon.

Here are our pumpkin patch photos:

I was also able to find a bit more time after our date day to take some more foliage photos. Not much of an intro to these, I just think they're pretty.

So there you go, the last remnants of fall before the hammer of November falls.

Happy weekend, friends.

The Different Stages of Baby Fever

2015-10-17T18:14:00.001-06:00

It's starting.

That feeling you get when your child is more self-sufficient, when parenting starts to make sense, when there are more smiles than tantrums. It creeps in on the edges of your brain and slowly becomes something you find yourself thinking about more and more.

I could do this again.

I should do this again.

Amelia is 15 months old now, which means two things: (1) life is starting to feel a lot more normal and (2) so many of my friends with kids her age are pregnant. Add into that all my other friends who are pregnant...and suffice it to say, that which seemed absolutely unthinkable 6 months ago becomes a lot more doable.

Before Amelia was even a glimmer in my eye I came to the conclusion that there are two stages of baby fever:

Baby Fever Stage I: "I want to be pregnant and my friend is pregnant and I want a baby shower and cute newborn Facebook posts and an adorable Pinterest-worthy baby announcement."

Baby Fever Stage II: "I am ready to add another human being into our lives, (if applicable) give my existing child a sibling, see me and my significant other open our hearts for even more love, potentially deal with colic and around-the-clock feeding again. Oh and yeah, probably a cute Pinterest worthy baby announcement."

I know enough about myself to know that right now I am solidly in stage I. I know that it's the excitement of my friends and family members having babies that leads me to wanting another. When I think about it logically--I like where we are now. Our house isn't really big enough for a second child, Amelia's infancy was tougher on me than I could've imagined, my career is moving forward and I'd like to see where it goes for now, and I like being able to focus on Amelia right now.

All the logic in the world can't defeat Baby Fever Stage I. It's a strong one and with every new pregnancy announcement on social media it gets stronger. The only treatment is looking at old photos and videos of Amelia screaming her face off and even that isn't working so well these days.

We're not at stage II yet. We might never be.

And of course all of this goes to shit if we have a happy "accident."

Either way there'll definitely be a cute announcement, let's be honest.

Foliage and Date Days

2015-10-14T13:33:00.002-06:00

Since Amelia started daycare in June, Rob and I have tried to take a day here and there in which we both take off work and just spend time together. I frequently feel like I'm too often being more of a mom than a wife. Ideally I'd be a perfect balance of both like, say, Linda Belcher.

Alriiiiight!

Since Rob had to have his yearly physical this week anyway we decided to go for it. We didn't make a lot of plans other than lunch at this cool brewery and relaxing without having to chase a toddler around the house. We talked about it for weeks ahead of time because it just sounded so exciting to do nothing and be responsible for no one but ourselves.

When the day came I decided that we should drive to some cool spots and take some foliage pictures, which I've been meaning to do but isn't something an active toddler who (still) hates her carseat finds particularly interesting. The leaves are almost at peak here so it was perfect timing. Hopefully one day Amelia will want to do these things with me.

Anyway Rob and I had a really nice day together. To be honest I always assumed that we wouldn't fall victim to the stereotypes around being married with a kid, and while I think we have by and large avoided them, it's still a struggle to balance the two sometimes. We've quickly realized the importance of carving out real time for each other especially when we're both exhausted and sleep-deprived and "touched out." Take note, future parents of America: never feel guilty for focusing on yourself and your partner. Parents are people, too.

While we were both happy for the alone time we also eagerly anticipated 3:45 when we could leave to pick Amelia up from daycare. Then we had smoothies and snuggles and Sesame Street until bedtime. Not too shabs.

Anyway, here are a few photos from our day:

Good work, Vermont.

Now we buckle down for the (much uglier) winter.

Things That Aren't Going to Happen

2015-10-13T19:25:00.002-06:00

I won't get fired from my job in the next week.

My friends won't all finally realize what a horrible person I am and stop talking to me forever.

My daughter won't die or get sick.

Rob won't die or get sick.

Amelia won't live in my house until she's 40 because I'm a bad parent and because she inherited my anxiety and OCD.

My daughter won't be doomed to a life of mediocrity because she goes to daycare 3 days a week.

Amelia will not develop a technological addiction because I'm on my phone around her.

(right?)

(I hope you're all having a good week, friends.)

A Brain Dump of Sorts

2015-09-30T17:49:00.002-06:00

Well as usual summer zipped by and now we are well entrenched into fall. I like fall--the cooler temperatures, the foliage here in New England, the traditions--but I don't like feeling cold all the time and not being able to take Amelia outside half-clothed and barefoot (as we did all summer). Now when she grabs her little galoshes and hands them to me I have to instruct her on all the other steps we have to go through to get her ready for the outside (namely, a sweater, her fleece, socks, then tiny baby galoshes).

Amelia loves being outside. She has pretty much ever since she could show that she liked something. When we skated on the canal in Ottawa last January she was happier than we usually saw her when she was that age, and it was close to 5 degrees Fahrenheit. This past April we were actually able to start taking her out for longer stretches and in less clothing, and this summer she spent a lot of her waking hours doused in sunscreen and zooming around to her various outdoor toys, piles of dog shit, Cypress, and bees.

So far in the fall months her favorite activity is to walk to the end of the driveway and careen wildly straight for the road. She and Cypress share this favorite activity and it is...distressing, to say the least.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why is it that fall or winter traditions seem so much more meaningful? Is that just me? I mean my family is big into the Fourth of July, and Amelia's birthday is just after, but Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas traditions just have something...special about them. Now that Amelia is a bit older I'm hoping they'll be a bit more interesting with her than they were last year.

*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*

Every so often someone asks how Cypress is doing. I guess people noticed the sharp decline in Cypress photos in my Instagram and Facebook posts starting right around July of last year. Rest assured she's still here and we still love her. I will admit that she's not getting as much attention as she used to. But as most of you know we never called Cypress our "baby." She's always been our dog and our best friend. That doesn't mean I don't feel guilty about focusing more attention on the baby, but she's currently sleeping on the couch with her head on a pillow so I think she's probably doing okay.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Amelia isn't talking. Like, at all. We hear noises and babbles and she says "mama" sometimes, but otherwise no words. It's really easy to tell other parents not to worry about milestones, but when it's your kid it's just different. Everything I've read and everyone I've talked to said not to worry, that she'll talk on her own time, that she's meeting every other milestone...but I would really like it if she just came out with a word or two.

*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*

The other day I went on an irresponsible shopping spree for myself. I haven't dressed like an adult since Amelia was born, thanks to nursing bras and tank tops, and generally directing my focus toward someone other than myself. Now that she spends more time away from me at daycare I decided it was time to be a human being. It caused me a lot of stress spending so much money but I think it was worth it. Or maybe not. I don't know.

*%*%*%*%*%*

I don't have any photos for this post. I cleaned out my phone yesterday (something I've had to start doing literally every 3 weeks or so because of all of my Amelia photos) and I don't feel like downloading shitty versions on Facebook to upload here. So you get random little line breaks instead.

*#*#*#*#*#*#*

Life Lately

2015-09-15T19:13:00.002-06:00

Oh...hey...

No more excuses for not writing really, except the same complaints I wrote about last time. I'm really struggling with the idea that nothing I write here matters, though I try to remember that not everything has to matter and some things can just exist. Does that make sense? Also, if I start writing and Rob looks over and says something like, "oh are you writing?" I completely lose all desire to do it. That does not make sense.

Things here have been good. Busy busy, and good. Amelia is at daycare three days a week, which has gotten somewhat easier for her and somehow harder for me. Mother's guilt sucks.

I guess the most exciting thing is that this past weekend I went to Boston! Amelia stayed home with Rob and I had some drinks, went out to eat with my mom and sister, and saw the Book of Mormon. Oh! And I met Suzy!

WHAAAAT? Yeah man, this worked out totally perfectly. She just happened to be visiting the US and specifically Boston, and I just happened to be visiting Boston for the same weekend. SERENDIPITY. Anyway it was an absolute blast. We've skyped before so I knew we'd get along, but I seriously could've talked and laughed with her (and her boyfriend, Greg) all day. Such a bummer that we live an ocean apart.

Here are some other photos of my time in Boston:

The Book of Mormon was SO GOOD. I loved it. I've been singing all the songs ever since I got back. I wish Rob could've seen it with me. Maybe one day.

I had a lot of fun with my sister and mom too. It was hard to relax, but I'm glad I was sort of "forced" out of my comfort zone. And turns out Amelia and Rob did really well without me. They took a lot of walks, hung out outside, and dealt with only a minor amount of fussiness. Night and day from when I left in January.

This week we are back into the swing of normal life: going to daycare, getting work done, eating the same 4 meals over and over, stressing out over what Amelia eats or doesn't eat, and of course breastfeeding (forever and ever and ever and ever...less by choice and more by my kid won't ever give it up ever).

So there's life. I hope you are all doing well and coming to terms with the fact that September is almost half over.

Here and Now

2015-08-18T13:37:00.004-06:00

My mom called me out on Facebook for not blogging and since it's daycare day #1 of the week...here I am.

I've been in a really weird period lately. I say "lately" but let's be honest, the last 13 months have been weird.

Right now my life is defined by a series of contradictions. One minute I'm feeling like everything's under control, the next I couldn't feel more lost. I miss writing like crazy and I have a million ideas, but as soon as I sit down to write the whole thing could not feel more pointless. I look forward to her daycare trips for days, but as soon as she's gone I feel like my whole body is vibrating if I am not constantly moving.

Add to that that I was stupid and lazy and kept putting off refilling my antidepressant prescription, which I didn't realize I actually still needed. So it's been a rough week.

That said there are a lot of cool things going on too. Amelia and I visited Rob's father's family in upstate New York for a little family reunion, and we got to see Rob's brother who lives in Oregon this past weekend in Maine. In almost 13 years with Rob I've only met his brother twice, so it was a nice family get together. Amelia did surprisingly well considering how many new people were at both places, though when we drove home we dealt with a few massive meltdowns because she hates her carseat so much.

We're home now though and we don't have any plans to travel for awhile. Daycare is going well for Amelia. She hates drop off, but her teacher tells me she's getting better at recovering once I leave. They're moving her to the "older toddler" room with a new teacher soon though which I think will set us back a bit.

So that's life now. Baby stuff, a little bit of work, and far too much time inside my head. I hope you are all well. Please know that I'm reading your blogs even if I'm not commenting much.

Unnecessarily Stressful Situations

2015-07-24T20:06:00.000-06:00

As a chronically anxious person, it's very easy to get wrapped up in big things. You know--death, the ultimate meaning of life, what will happen when I inevitably lose my job and people realize I'm not as competent as I pretend to be, and so on. Those are the easy things. Anyone can worry about their own death.

But what's interesting is that the vast majority of thoughts that proverbially keep me up at night (proverbially because it's my baby that literally keeps me up at night) are those everyday awkward encounters for which there's no way to really prepare.

What encounters are those, you ask? WELL IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

1. WHAT THE HELL DO I CALL MY HUSBAND'S GRANDPARENTS? No one told me how awkward this could be. Mr. and Mrs. Awkward sounds too formal, their first names sound too disrespectful, and grandma and grandpa/grampy and grammy/peepoo and moomoo seem a bit intimate for people I see or talk to once or twice a year. On the few occasions I have to call them something I usually try to rush through it, which ends up sounding like "grampehehd."

2. Saying grace as an atheist. Do I look down? Do I close my eyes? Do I look around and plan which food I'm going to eat first? Do I meet eyes with the one other person who isn't praying at the table?

3. Being a baby conveyor. When I was pregnant, people I knew would touch my belly. Due to the nature of a bulging uterus and its requisite proximity to my crotch, it meant that hands were getting far closer to that area than I think they realized. In the same vein, now that I have to hold my kid constantly people often grab her feet, which are once again dangling directly in front of my crotch.

4. Wanting to be friends with someone new. I am the worst at this. I'm admittedly a pretty needy friend. When I hang out with someone I want to tell them all the things right now and then the second they leave I'm convinced I've destroyed it with awkwardness.

5. Preaching. Every so often I get in a situation when a religious person talks to me about their beliefs in a sort of preachy way and I feel very oh god what do I do with my hands. While it is at least somewhat socially acceptable to preach religious beliefs, it is generally frowned upon to respond with, "yeah well I don't believe any of that the life we have now is all we have but thanks byeeeee." It's for this reason that the elderly Jehovah's Witness lady keeps coming to my house.

A Year with Amelia

2015-07-23T19:27:00.001-06:00

Two weeks ago, on July 11, we officially celebrated one year as a family. One year as parents, one year as a child on this side of my womb, one year of Cypress getting her eyes poked while we're not looking.

This milestone was bittersweet, like just about everything else with a kid. On the one hand, it's a year. Even though it went by quickly, it seems like such a momentous period of time, especially given how much Amelia has grown and changed in that time. On the other, watching her grow and change--and subsequently become a lot more fun and interesting to be around--is probably one of my favorite parts of being a parent.

So I feel some nostalgia, which I may have indulged by digging out her "coming home" outfit and tearing up over how tiny it was, and joy and gratitude that I get the opportunity to watch her grow into a person.

We actually had a few birthday celebrations since Amelia has four sets of grandparents. We got several of them out of the way over the Fourth of July, but they were pushed through without much celebration since Amelia was incredibly overwhelmed and stressed from the new people and places (that deserves a whoooole other blog post, let me tell you).

On the actual day, we celebrated together as a family of three (+ a Cypress). We made a delicious flourless cake (so I could enjoy it) and gave Amelia her rocking pig. It was very subdued but perfect for where we are now.

So there you have it, a whole year with the little bit that made me a mom, who challenged me in ways I never imagined, who showed me how fiercely I could love someone. I can't wait to see what the next year, two years, fifty years bring.

We Love Our Patios

2015-07-07T19:40:00.000-06:00

When we lived in Santa Fe we took it upon ourselves one summer to trick out our patio. Patio hangs in Santa Fe were amazing--we had a view of the entire city, there were no mosquitoes or black flies to ruin our good time, and the temperature was generally pretty reliable and/or perfect.

I miss it. I miss those nights alone drawing closer and closer to our fire pit as the perfect temperature dipped into almost-uncomfortable.

One of the things that drew me to this house--aside from the fact that it was pretty much our only option price-wise that wasn't mostly dilapidated--was that it had a screened-in porch. If you've ever been...well, anywhere that isn't the desert, you know that mosquitoes and black flies and other biting insects can turn any fun evening outside into...well, an un-fun evening inside. Because of that an enclosed porch is a necessity if you actually want to use it. I was super excited about having another place to unwind at night.

One problem with Rob and I owning a house, however, is that we are really lazy and cheap. We talk a good game about making our house nicer, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of making it happen we postpone and postpone until we get comfortable living with whatever ugly part of our house we can't seem to get motivated about.

We spent six months with a door-less mailbox solely due to the aforementioned laziness. Our lazy game is on point.

Couple that with the fact that having a baby--especially a needy one like Amelia--makes literally everything you ever want to do impossible (~~not~~ an exaggeration) and you have a screened-in porch with an ugly green carpet, years of pollen buildup, and an absurd number of dead bugs. In short, nothing anyone wants to hang out on or drink in.

Luckily we have family members who are willing to do this kind of stuff for us. My dad and stepmom came one weekend and decided that they were going to start the process of making our porch livable.

We have a new (not astroturf-colored) carpet, mold-resistant paint on the ceiling, new patio furniture I picked out at Home Depot, and some outdoor patio lights. We rounded it out with some plants, a few holy candles to remind us of the southwest, a Yeti cooler that Amelia and I bought for Rob for Father's Day, and a bluetooth Bose speaker. Now not only is it a neat place to hang out, it's also an additional summer playroom for Amelia to wander around when she starts to get bored (which is a lot).

The last two photos don't really show you much about the patio's new look (except for the nice grey carpet) but come on, aren't they adorable?

It's nice to carve out a little piece of normal back in our lives I guess, as small a change as it is. I can't wait until Amelia is older and can chill out there with us at night without trying to pull plants down on herself.

A Few Things

2015-06-25T12:18:00.002-06:00

Amelia is almost walking! She took a few steps on her own the other day and seemed very proud of herself. Not so proud that she has actually started walking instead of crawling--crawling is still faster, of course--but she clearly gets a huge smile whenever she does it so I think we are close. The funny thing is that she only will try if I make a huge deal out of the fact that she is standing on her own. Kids nowadays, needing validation for every little thing right?

*~*~*~*~*~*

We are quickly approaching Amelia's first birthday! This is crazy to me. Though her first three months felt like 8 months, the rest of the months sped by. Imagine if we all developed as quickly as we do during the first year. We'd all be 70 feet tall and might be able to see through walls or something. Anyway everyone keeps asking us what we're doing for her first birthday. I really don't get my generation's obsession with first birthday parties. I mean I get it I guess. Doing something is cool--cake, booze for the adults, singing--but the separate cake for smashing and the elaborate favors and massive food spreads just seem excessive for a kid who can't reasonably be trusted with, say, a plastic bag or an unattended pool. Amelia's birthdays (multiple because she has many grandparents who want to celebrate) will have a cake from the local Hannaford, a bit of singing, and food afterward. Easy peasy.

The one place I did go overboard was her gift. It's a rocking pig!

But come on, who could say no to it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I know I'm like, 10 years behind on this (which is approximately 35 years in technological time), but podcasts are amazing! And they're free! I've started listening to Last Podcast on the Left on Amelia's daycare days (since it's pretty raunchy in terms of language) and I am loving it. If you're into true crime and serial killers it is definitely for you. I've listened to episodes covering Columbine myths, Ed Gein, and Fred and Rosemary West so far. This is the only podcast I've listened to so far so if you have others you love please let me know.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Daycare is going well for both me and Amelia. I love having two free days a week. It's amazing being able to do everything I did before having a kid. The time without her goes by very fast, which is hard because there's a ton I'd like to do and...not enough time to do it. It's a cliche, but there it is. For her part Amelia is doing better and better in daycare. Her teacher picked up on the fact that she needs some space at least initially, and she has started to warm up both to her teacher and to the other boy that is her age. There's this little robot lovey I've been putting in her bed since she was born that has now become her comfort item, and she apparently carries it around all day which I think is adorable. I bought a backup one just in case we lose the one she already has.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

That's all that's going on here lately.

On Daycare and Letting Go

2015-06-11T19:24:00.000-06:00

Most of you know that I work from home. That didn't change when Amelia was born (though it did become more complicated).

For the past 11 months I have juggled work--including conference calls, computer time, and emails--and the constantly-changing needs of an ever-growing child. It has been a struggle ~~some~~ most days. I've had to explain random baby noises while I was on the phone with clients and bosses alike. I've had to put Amelia in her crib for 10 minutes (which did not go well, for the record) so I could finish a call or an email.

Rob and I have toyed with the idea of getting some help since Amelia was a few months old. We did a search for a sitter to come to our home, which fell through in a really disappointing way (seriously, if you are no longer interested, just tell me. Don't drop off the map. Lame.). Rob eventually got laid off for the winter so we put it off a bit longer.

Now that he's working again we decided to check out opportunities for daycare.

Long story short, Amelia starts soon She will be in daycare for two days a week.

I have a lot of feelings about this.

First off, I'm sad. Like every other parent ever, it's really hard for me to acknowledge that my kid is getting older, that sometimes (healthy) stress leads to good things, that I have to let go bit by bit. It's a big reminder that your job as a parent is to make yourself obsolete and thus by definition you are becoming more obsolete by day. I know that's somewhat dramatic, but I'm a parent and I'm allowed the odd period of histrionics.

I'm also nervous. When Amelia was really little and really colicky, the idea of having her in daycare scared the bejeezus out of me. I was convinced that only we understood what her colic was and only we could deal with it. If I'm being honest, I was terrified that if I left her with someone else they would hurt her. I don't mean to malign daycare providers--I know they wouldn't have hurt her--but my mind goes to some pretty dark places sometimes and I wasn't ready to let go of her just yet. I feel slightly more confident now, but it's still scary.

Finally, I am really, really, really excited. 14 whole hours a week to myself. One of the biggest challenges for me since becoming a mom is not being able to direct my time as I see fit. I report to the least logical, most emotional boss in the entire world and I am bound and chained by her schedule. It's exhausting and maddening at times especially as I watch work and chores pile up.

Regardless, when I look at this next step objectively I do think it's going to be a really good thing for the both of us. Letting her go is difficult, but the result has so far been consistently worth it.

Happy week, friends!

Water Tables and Other Simple Joys

2015-06-02T18:50:00.002-06:00

One of the coolest things about having a kid is watching them discover the world for the first time. Like stuff you wouldn't give a second thought--wrappers, chapstick, matryushka dolls--they turn over and over in their hands examining every square inch.

It really shows you how much of a jaded asshole you've become.

I've had a tough time finding toys for Amelia that she actually enjoys and plays with for more than a few minutes. I've had a few good hits (that goddamn infernal learning farm, a crawl tunnel) but many, many misses (pretty much the entire basket of toys in our living room and everything "fun" I registered for).

Also it is very important for me to avoid unnecessary baby clutter. It's for this reason that we opted for diaper changing pads in lieu of a changing table (extremely happy we did that by the way, expectant moms). I don't want to end up with a ton of huge items that we have to find a home for after approximately 4 months of use.

But my kid gets bored easily, and it's really fun to buy her toys whenever I want. Especially since one day she'll be older and I won't be able to buy her random stuff every week without making her into an entitled douche.

I found that it worked better if I sat back and waited, noticed what she saw and what captivated her, and moved from there. And one thing she has liked almost since day one was water.

(Like every kid ever, I guess)

One time I let her play with some raised dog bowls we hadn't used for Cypress yet. I filled them with water and with splashing she'd emptied them within 5 minutes or so. When I took her away from them to get her dried off you'd have thought I was tearing her arm off for how loudly she howled.

Along with loving water she also has a strong dislike of something being taken away before she's ready or has lost interest on her own.

So I defied my own "minimizing clutter" rule and decided to buy her a giant, awkward, plastic ~~mosquito magnet~~ water table. It's shaped like a pirate ship.

And of course, it's probably her most favorite toy.

Aside from the stairs. She loves those things.

We've only let her use it a few times, mostly because our hose water is cold and I'm convinced she'd play in it until her arms froze and because getting her into her bathing suit and water diaper and ample layers of sunscreen is a lot to handle by myself. But every time we've done it you'd have thought it was Christmas.

Assuming she knew was Christmas was and how exciting it is, which she doesn't yet. But you get the point.

Anyway you can't argue with that smile.

Stuff and Things

2015-05-16T20:52:00.001-06:00

I really miss writing.

I also miss reading and baths and vacations and roadtrips and uninterrupted sleep and normal bras.

They aren't lying when they say that time goes by faster with a kid. I keep thinking that it's only been a few days or a week since I wrote last, and when I finally come back it's been 2 weeks and the prospect of coming up with something to write about is just too overwhelming.

But here I am, pushing through it.

Truth be told the last few weeks (months?) have been an absolute blur for a few reasons. Firstly, I have a baby and cliche cliche stereotype cliche. Second, work has been ramping up and since Amelia tends not to adhere to my work schedule I get a lot of work done in the evenings after she's gone to bed. Being a work-at-home mom is hard in a lot of ways I didn't really expect, or if I did expect it I didn't really have a frame of reference and it took me by surprise anyway.

I've been trying to eke out some time to myself here and there, reading books and getting outside to take pictures. When your whole day is spent catering to the needs of a tiny dictator that looks like your husband and shares half of your DNA, little things like that take on a new meaning. It's nice to spend a little bit of time with things that don't need me, I guess.

So in the last few weeks we had Mother's Day, my first. Funny story, we actually thought Mother's Day was the week before, on May 2. Well, I did, and Rob pretty much blindly follows my memory (or lack thereof) for dates. So for our pseudo-Mother's Day Rob made me chocolate-banana pancakes and bought me cookies. My friend Suze back in Santa Fe sent me flowers. We spent the actual Mother's Day weekend at Rob's sister's college graduation, which went better than we expected given the fact that we had a ten month old. It was nice to see family and for Amelia to get exposed to new foods and sounds and places.

Other exciting things are happening too. I'm starting to make other mom friends here, and now that the weather is finally nice I'm hoping we can actually start making play dates and so forth. Amelia is sleeping decently at night (knock on wood) and my allergies are starting to abate (double knock on wood). Rob and I met a person here who is Deaf, and after fingerspelling everything with him the first few times we met I thought I'd use the opportunity to teach myself American Sign Language. I've been practicing in the shower and also trying out new sentences with Amelia (who has started to mimic my signs by doing a sort of "one-hand clap" motion, which incidentally means "milk" in Sign Language). Anyway I haven't learned a new language in awhile and thought it'd be interesting to try.

So that's all that's going on here guys. How are you?

May is CAITLIN MONTH

2015-05-02T20:03:00.000-06:00

I love May. Love love love it.

It's partly because in New England, May is always when spring actually starts to show itself. April is nice and all, but you're almost guaranteed at least one snowstorm and that puts a damper on all the spring that pops up from the ground.

But if I'm being honest, a lot of it is that May is my birthday month, and even though adult birthdays are super lame compared to kid birthdays, it's pretty cool to gain a year.

This year I also get to celebrate Mother's Day for the first time. I thought it was this weekend but turns out it's next weekend, so we get to stretch it out even more. Rob's making me chocolate banana pancakes and the baby is celebrating by not letting me leave her sight for more than a few seconds at a time.

The pancakes will be pretty great though.

So, two whole days to celebrate ME AND ONLY ME, plus nice weather? Blammo. May.

Our May is pretty busy even aside from those things. Rob's sister Molly is graduating college next weekend and we are going to brave it with the baby (pray for us). A week or two after that my dad plans on coming for a visit because he hasn't seen Amelia since Christmas. And I'm hoping we'll do something for Memorial Day weekend too.

I am liking May for one more reason too. I've said it a few times now but it's just so exciting that I will repeat it.

Parenthood is actually really fun right now.

I love Amelia from the depths of my soul, but taking care of a young infant was just not my thing. In a lot of ways I feel like her first 9 months were almost like another pregnancy--essentially just "waiting it out" until the actual parenting started. Within the last month or so, though, she has just totally blossomed into this fun little person to be around. It's exhausting and boring and soul-crushing sometimes too, but what was once an entire day filled with those feelings has turned into the odd 10 or 20 minutes every couple of days. I have yet to find myself yearning for the days when she'd do nothing but lay in one spot and stare and scream and nurse every hour.

The other day I took her to the park for a change of scenery. I had to wait to go until she'd had a napped and nursed and seemed like she was in a generally decent mood. We only stayed about 15 minutes because on the whole she was pretty unimpressed with swings and slides. The weather was gorgeous--a perfect day. While I obviously enjoyed the time together, all I could think about was how much fun those outings will be when she's even just a little older. How when she's maybe 4 or 5 I can bring a book while she plays on the playground with other kids, how I can take her out for ice cream or slurpees afterward. How one day I can watch her dance around outside and have an imagination instead of chasing after her to make sure she doesn't grab errant dog poop on the edges of our yard.

So what does all that have to do with May?

Nothing really, I guess, except that with the start of this month just feels like a new beginning in so many ways. I feel like I'm hitting my stride in a lot of areas of my life and after this past winter, that's pretty damn cool.

Currently

2015-04-30T20:50:00.002-06:00

Reading: Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. The baby has actually given me some reading time lately which has been awesome, and I am really, really enjoying this book. It's basically a collection of passages from the now-defunct Dear Sugar advice column, but I really enjoy Cheryl's well-thought-out, beautiful, no-nonsense answers. If you're weirdly into advice columns like I am you will probably also enjoy this.

Enjoying: my child's 10th month so, so much more than any of her previous months. She is SO MUCH FUN NOW. Not to mention thanks to some minor sleep training this week she is sleeping better at night and I'm relishing having time at night to spend time with Rob, to mess around on the computer and to not hide my phone (seriously, that kid dives for my phone every time she sees it). During the day she smiles and laughs and it's just...the most amazing thing ever.

Watching: The Office reruns over and over and over again. The gurus of the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends to avoid screen time until the age of 2, but that is one bit of advice that has gone right out the window. If I couldn't have something on in the background during my long days alone with the baby I think I'd go completely insane. So sorry, Amelia, for your underdeveloped TV brain.

Eating: much healthier foods! Amelia is eating 3 meals a day nowadays (plus a snack) and as a result I'm buying a lot more fruits and veggies. So far she's eaten everything with great relish, especially strawberries and avocado.

Worrying About: Amelia starting two days of daycare in June. She's still dealing with pretty intense separation anxiety right now and I'm worried she's going to come completely undone with the change.

A Few Words but Mostly Cute Baby Faces

2015-04-20T20:14:00.003-06:00

I seriously stared at this damn blinking cursor for probably 10 minutes on and off and I got nothing.

So since I haven't shared photos from the big camera in awhile, and since we've been enjoying the increasingly warm weather with Amelia, here are some cute baby faces instead.

Skills I've Developed as a Parent That Have No other Practical Use

2015-04-15T18:24:00.002-06:00

A lot of parents make comments about how parenting is "a job" in and of itself.

I beg to differ. I get paid to do my job.

Also, I think that the vast majority of skills I've learned as a parent have little to no practical use outside of being a parent. I honestly think about that every day--"wow, I've gotten really good at this thing for how useless it is outside of the walls of my house."

Here are a few of those things:

1. Vacuuming the floor with my non-dominant hand and holding my baby on the other side.

2. Learning all the creaky spots on Amelia's bedroom floor and avoiding them in the dark of night.

3. Eating my feelings.

(Who am I kidding, I've had that skill for a long time.)

4. Remembering kids' songs that I haven't heard or sung in 20 years.

5. Breastfeeding. Not otherwise practical unless there's a REALLY WEIRD job out there that I just don't know about yet.

6. Watching reruns of "The Office" and "Bob's Burgers" ad infinitum. I guess this does have a practical use which is, of course, being awesome.

7. Calculating formula to water ratios.

8. Brushing tiny baby teeth.

9. Clipping tiny baby nails (I'm actually really good at this).

10. Changing a diaper on a baby that is trying desperately to roll on her belly and/or stand up.

How to Set the Internet on Fire

2015-04-13T19:03:00.003-06:00

If there's one thing the internet has in spades, it's righteous anger. There was a time where I participated in it, but at this point in my life I mostly just find it humorous.

I'm not one to provoke people on the internet per se--I'm far too scared of confrontation to do that--but here are some sample posts in case you find yourself bored and wanting to watch the internet explode. I think the kids call this "trolling" but I call it good clean fun.

(Not really. But here they are anyway.)

1. To rile up moms: "I am sleep-training my circumcised formula-fed son who hates seeing women breastfeed in public. He's been crying for 4 hours all alone. Should I feed him his regular McDonald's Happy Meal tomorrow for breakfast?"

2. To rile up childfree people: "If you don't have a child you can't understand love. You will change your mind and have 13 kids, just you wait. No one wants to see pictures of your dog/cat."

2. To rile up atheists: "Evolution is only a theory, not fact. There are gaps in the fossil record. The Bible is backed up by scientific fact."

3. To rile up Christians: "I don't need a magical sky fairy to tell me what to do. Christians are all bigoted and racist and religion is stupid and harmful."

4. To rile up liberals: "Obama is a Kenyan Muslim Fundamentalist Christian who doesn't have a birth certificate. Every American child should be given a gun at birth and George Bush was the best president in the history of America."

4. To rile up conservatives: "Obama promised to personally pay for my mortgage. I collect welfare and don't work so I take my Lexus, iPhone and tattoos to the welfare office every weekday for more of your money."

5. To rile up MRAs: "Men are obsolete. Women are inherently superior and men are all sexual predators. Women should be able to have sex with as many men as they want without judgement."

6. To rile up Feminists: "Feminazis hate men and make false rape claims. If women respected themselves they wouldn't dress in skimpy clothing or have casual sex, but I am entitled to sex. I'm a nice guy, women are just bitches."