I’m not a drummer. I’ve never played the drums, nor even took a single lesson; but today on the treadmill I was hitting all the snares and crashing on all of the hi-hats right in time. I probably looked a bit odd to all of my co-workers at lunch (or maybe I tricked them all into thinking I was a master drummer!), but it was keeping me moving and giving me the energy to finish my much needed lunchtime run.

I acted out this same scene with a pen and a pad of paper on an airplane a few months ago, when the idea hit me for an article that I could try and write about being your “authentic self”. “What exactly does this have to do with air drumming?” you might be asking yourself? It doesn’t really directly, however, in each of those moments I was having pure fun, by just being myself – something I often struggle with each day, and through about the last 15 years or so. Where many people have a strong sense of self and a fairly well-defined identity, I often feel lacking – like a blended version of various expectations and others’ outwardly reflected personalities. I will try to explain and relate this below.

“You can’t please them all…”

I’m a “people pleaser” by nature. I want every single person I know and meet to really, really like me. A ridiculously impossible and futile habit, where you are only sure to get let down day after day! I try to say the right witty and funny things, and I even try to fine tune these comments (and even my personality) to my new friend or audience. I try to outperform colleagues and classmates alike, and struggle for any accolades and recognition. I often adopt new hobbies with a feverish obsession. I do, and do, and do – - tasks, favors, and emotional ‘stroking’ or support for other people, until there isn’t a single moment or emotion left for me in the day. I usually fill any left over vacancies in my day with obligatory phone calls or texts to people I know will often just complain and act narcissistic simply because I feel that I should. It’s almost gotten to the point where I don’t even know WHAT I like to do in my free time anymore, or worse yet, WHO I really am. All of these things are essentially really, really bad habits. Even my dog has suffered from the lack of attention and my time!

Where this all started for me, I cannot exactly recall. I mentioned the need to be well-liked, but I also starved for success, money, and achievement very early on in life. A single “A-” on any report card or test in college was devastating. I was so tied up in the fear of academic (and eventually economic) failure, that I missed out on a lot of normal young adult things. Instead, I held multiple jobs at one time, took classes that would get me a good-paying job someday (vs. really taking the time to think about what I wanted to do with my life 15 or 20 years down the road). In short, I began to lose myself in worry, and the relentless pursuit of what I thought would make me happy. I still had shimmers of my true self at times. I liked to call them little “epiphanies” of who I was – one of those brief moments where I realized who I was, and what felt natural to me, whether it was good, bad, or indifferent at the time. These moments became fewer and fewer over the years, however, until I actually think I forgot about them, especially after hitting the adult / working world. That was, until very recently.

So what was I doing? Why did this happen all of the sudden on an airplane anyways? I truly believe it was a great combination of circumstance! I was alone, for starters. I had no one to impress, because no one knew me. I was just another 33 year old guy going some place, unshaven as I prefer, wearing my favorite orange baseball hat, favorite jeans, a tattered but comfortable striped shirt, and running sneakers. I was out of my “work costume”, out of any other conditional attire, and left alone with 5 hours of thoughts, music, favorite sitcoms, and some reading. I was also rocking out to some favorite music that I have recently gotten back into. I started drumming on the article I was reading with a pen, bobbing my head and mouthing lyrics with unabashed fervor, and not giving a single damn about who noticed or stared. That is when it hit me – this is ME! This is the guy I used to know! Yeah, he gets kind of melancholy sometimes, and yeah, he still has work to do, but right then, in that singular moment, I felt like ME. Not work me, not social me, not industry “connected” me, not family me, not ex-Auto company me, not religious wannabe or alter boy me….just ME! And it felt great.

“Enough about me, let’s talk about you…”

It’s mentioned in a lot of interesting places that you encounter how much better it is to just be yourself. Good self-help books emphasize this, Dale Carnegie training encourages this, good therapists encourage this, as does the arts and music world, and your closest family and friends (if they are the right friends, that is). Advertising may not. What others encourage as approaching “perfection”, may not. The endless strive to be rich and famous may not, or the drive and path to be a ruthless and powerful person may not.

So why is this? If you narrow it down to it’s most finite parts, a lot of it is quite simply driven by money. Advertisers and fads get rich trying to sell you what you really don’t need, in an order to improve your status – whether it be financial, social, physical, or otherwise. Luxury carmakers survive (and thrive!) on selling you “an image” of perfection, or class, status, or prestige…because you know, not everyone can drive that beautiful and smart luxury sedan. You really know you’ve “made it” at that point!

Another reason is peer pressure, or ‘majority-rules’ mentality – in short, “Keeping Up with the Joneses”. It’s often easier to conform (and not air drum), than to be unique, take a difficult stand, or risk looking kind of silly as an exception. Society often plays up and urges us to adopt this “conformist” routine, but that’s a larger topic for another day.

My point is that there is true value in who YOU are! You are unique, you are brilliant, you are….YOU! Surround yourself with music, imagery, hobbies, and friends that move you, and speak to you. Take part in a hobby, sport, or an activity that feels like YOU. For me personally, it’s running; where I get a sense of freedom and all rules and regulations just kind of fall by the wayside or the trailside. For you, it may be a different scenario. It may be journaling, or walking, or just spending some time alone. If you are someone who is really uplifted by other people, or church, or another social outlet, I would encourage you to pursue those situations vs. spending time alone – it’s all about what makes YOU tick, and helping you to find and enjoy your most genuine self.

What will you get out of this effort and working on ‘being you’? I can’t say that for certain, as I still have a long road ahead and everyone has their own journey, but I can tell you that you will start to feel more natural, more complete, and less eager to conform or impress others, at least where it isn’t genuine. Sometimes, this can be as simple as saying no to something you really don’t want to do, or blocking out some free time for yourself on the calendar – like a rainy Monday evening! In other cases, it may not be as obvious, or as much of an action, as it will be a natural flow of events. I personally think it’s worth the effort to preserve, or in my case, return to, your authentic self.

Since that moment on the plane, I can’t honestly say that I have tried reenacting or improving the frequency of these epiphanic feelings, but I can say I have struggled to maintain a more honest sense of self, and a more true “me”. I’ve come to realize that the clothes I have bought recently, and even the car I drive are good examples of where I went a little bit wayward trying to conform and impress. I’m not going to get back my favorite orange stick-shift Jeep that I traded in, or my little 4-door sedan that was almost completely paid off and perfectly fine for me, but next time I go to get another new car, or I just have to get that fancy and overpriced all-season windbreaker jacket that everyone else seems to have, you can bet I am going to think twice about what I already have, and who I really am. I urge you, the reader to do the same.

All the best – Oh, and if you see someone air-drumming on an airplane or a treadmill soon, just smile and nod; they may be working harder than you think!

Jim Liegghio is working professional in the logistics field.  He has a Master’s degree in Administration, and has been working in the supply chain field for 11 years.  In his free time, he likes to run, reflect, watch movies, ride his mountain bike, and hang with his best pal – George the Wonder Dog.  Jim enjoys nature and doing anything outdoors.  He is currently pursuing training in interpersonal communications and public speaking, and is daily working on finding his “exact niche” in the world!  Jim is the younger brother of Dennis Liegghio, the founder of KnowResolve and The Detour Project.

I like to believe that I have it together most of the time. Focused, motivated, and on track. Most days I am grateful for the people and opportunities in my life. I love the work that I do, and I feel more often than not that I am doing what I’m meant to do.

At times though, things can get stressful and overwhelming, as is the case with most of us. Responsibilities and to-do lists pile up, expectations (of myself and others) fall short, and when all of that comes together in a perfect storm, it can leave me feeling disappointed, overwhelmed and powerless.

Tuesday was one of those days. There are 3 major events coming up, along with a heavy presentation schedule, and all of the day-to-day, behind-the-scenes detail work that goes into putting all of those things together in a way that makes sense and feels manageable. When I start to feel overwhelmed, an endless loop of negative self-chatter ensues and I begin to shut down. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, and I go to a place in my head where I walk away from it all.

Sitting around a bonfire at a friend’s house later that night, I heard a train in the distance and fantasized about what it would be like to hop on that thing and ride off into the night, ending up wherever and starting over somewhere new. Somewhere where nobody knew my name or my past or my story.

I could settle into a job washing dishes or something and live out my days in solitude and silence, never again having to plan, promote and execute another event, never again having to get up on stage and re-live my father’s suicide and what I through afterward. A place where every night was easy and free and I could sit in front of a bonfire with silence in my mind, instead of thinking about what is ahead and what must be done next.

This of course, is pure fantasy and I know (based on a trip that I took up north last summer) that I would be bored out of mind within a week, longing to get back to the people and the work that I love… my desire to do and create something that matters.

So how to recover from this? I spent many years trying to figure that out and lost a lot of time in those loops of fantasy-based thought patterns. Today those little mental trips to fantasyland are much fewer and farther between (and they don’t last nearly as long).

Here are four strategies that I use today to help me get back to center when life gets overwhelming:

1) Allow myself to feel this way (aka: awareness): It’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times. It means it’s time to take a little break. If I need to shut down for a few hours or a couple of days and allow myself to unwind, it’s important to do.

2) Recognize that feeling overwhelmed is based on a significant amount of stress and do things that will help manage it: Going for a long walk, writing, playing my guitar, shadow boxing, free weight exercises, meditating, singing along to some of my favorite music in the car… all of these things help me to release the tension in my body and my mind.

3) Get back into a routine: Waking up at the same time each day (early, but not too early!), showering, making my bed, eating breakfast, making coffee. On the days where I feel my best, my mornings follow this routine. If I’ve spent a few days out of town, or thrown off of this routine somehow, it can mess with my head and my mood. Getting back into the usual routine brings a sense of control and predictability to my day.

4) Verbalize it: The simple act of expressing yourself out loud to someone is enough to lighten the load and interrupt the negative self-chatter that it’s in our minds. This is not easy for me to do. I internalized everything for many years, but that only prolonged these episodes. Today, I force myself to get what’s on my mind off my chest.

I hope these strategies are helpful for you in some way when you’re feeling overwhelmed :)

Cheers,
- Dennis

Dennis is a professional speaker on overcoming depression and thoughts of suicide, the founder of KnowResolve (a non-profit organization dedicated to youth suicide prevention) and the author of “Building a Foundation for Happiness”. In his spare time, Dennis digs traveling, writing, cooking, meeting awesome people, reading, and making music with his friends in the Student Driver Band.

I never know if I’m truly happy in the moment. That’s not as gloomy as it sounds but I will, and do feel that way at times. You hear about people who have a cavalier attitude toward their awesome life. “I’m firing on all cylinders today!” Or, “Woo hoo! I nailed that presentation, bro! What a day!”. Even on days where I feel particularly accomplished I would never have the hootspa to publicly announce my glee without cringing at my own proclamation. “I just properly kerned this line of type and it’s bringing much joy to my heart!” See, it sounds kind of silly.

I like to keep my small victories to a dull roar because I never feel like I’m done. For example, one might rejoice the fact that the dinner dishes are clean. Yay! Now the dishes have to be dried and put back into the cupboard. Boo. It’s a constant reminder that the next block to put on top of the other one is always there. To me, there is always work to be done. Because of this I have what doctors refer to as ‘Ants in the Pants’ and am rarely content.

Last year was quite a busy year, filled with valleys and peaks. In the span of 12 months my wife and I planned our wedding, moved twice, attended three weddings, attended three funerals, bought a German Shepard puppy, rented my former residence, took vacations, back aches, rain in our bedroom and lastly, I switched jobs and we started a new life in an unfamiliar city. Save for the three funerals, the back aches, and leaky roof I asked for all of it. I never thought it would happen in that short a timeframe but it’s what I wanted. By that level of activity you would think I felt accomplished.

I was talking to my dad two weeks ago and we were commiserating on his woes at work. He’s employed as an engineer for a large automobile manufacturer and they have made some uncomfortable personnel shifts within his department. The conversation slowly switched from his job to my new job. I gushed (albeit monotone) about my new job and heard my tone (barely) become emphatic when musing about the delightfully satisfying mountain of work that lay ahead of me. To my father I was indeed happy but to myself I had at that moment started to think about what I was to accomplish at work the next morning.

He shared his excitement for me then said, “So, how do you do it?”

This threw me. “What?” I asked.

“You’ve made all of these changes in your life over the last year and I’ve never seen you happier. So, what’s your secret?”

This is my dad asking me this question? He was my blueprint when it came to guidance and achieving what you want in life. For as long as I can remember he’s been telling me that I can do whatever I want in this world. “If you want to be a garbage man then you’ll be the best garbage man in the whole wide world”* I’m the one who asks for advice. He’s the teacher and I’m the student.

“Oh, I don’t know…” I wasn’t really prepared to answer the question. I hadn’t thought about it. There is no secret. All I could think to say was, “…well, I’m just doing what you’ve always told me to do.”

That thought and the activities of the past year sat with me for a long while and every now and again my mind would go back to that time. A year ago a lot of details went unnoticed. I was putting out fires left and right not really thinking about much other than what it takes to get us ‘there’. Wherever ‘there’ is. Hopefully there is no ‘there’ because my mind can’t handle that.

After a few weeks of reflection no earth-shattering discovery was made and that’s okay. Not every meditation produces epic results, sometimes clarity on something that was once cloudy can be reward enough.

I’ll not compose a flowery essay about life’s precious moments or tell you to stop and sniff the flowers on the way to work. Instead, have an appreciation for the journey. More times than not I’m only interested in the destination but It is important we not lose sight of the flowers while planning for the big picture. There is much to be grateful for and much can be missed if you’re not present. However, I still contest that I’m not done yet.

*No offense to the garbage men of the whole wide world.

Paul specializes in graphic design, web design, and pie. See some of his work at pauldelaurier.com or send him spam at pauldelaurier(at)mac.com

Anyways, I’m going to share one of my favorites here. Feel free to steal or modify it or your own use. I use this as a kind of “code of ethics” too, an important tool for those of us who are prone to hare-brained ideas:

It’s Only True If You Do It

As a kid I was always the instigator. The little rascal who liked to make things happen. In school, I’d be the one to round up the bets for lunchroom dares. Everything from a standing offer of a quarter for anyone to eat their butter patty, to fundraising campaigns to pay off a wily freshman to moon a table of popular girls. Grand entertainment.

For good or ill, this inclination to manifest the absurd has stuck with me. Making the impractical doable, to see what the world would be like if we get together and do some different stuff. A blizzard in the forecast? Let’s round up a football game! A free weekend? Let’s road trip!

After jamming music with people, I’m the first one to declare that a band should be formed. And that’s just the pre-curser to the five new musical styles we’re going to learn, or the traveling arts festival to build around it. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t.

Before music, it was politics, but I won’t get into that here, lest the FBI is lurking.

Schemes, ventures, capers, projects, plots, daydreams, conspiracies, new business, calls to action, experiments, new schools, inventions, explorations, mobilizations, banding ups, revolutions, tours, engagements, three ring circuses, entrepreneurialism. Organizing a group of folks towards some crazy purpose. I love it. For fun, for profit, for the hell of it. I’m down. These are the sources of the best stories you will know. And let it be said, it’s the American Way. Hustle, kid. Go for it.

But it’s only true if you do it.

I have learned to say this to myself, over and over again. To stay focused on doing what needs to be done, and then to evaluate where I am going. These are the challenges of putting yourself in new situations.

I call this a “mantra”, which you’ll find defined as a sound or a word or a group of words that are used to “create transformation”. You use them to help bring form to your thoughts. People practice them in meditation, so that later on you can bring them to awareness in real life situations which then helps put you back in that focused and relaxed meditative state you’ve learned to achieve. People will tell you this can be greatly helpful in opening new creative doors, or just keeping cool under intense pressure.

For me, it’s like a reminder. To actually do things. Things that may require courage, and stamina. And help.

It’s only true if you do it, of course. A mantra, like any tool, is only worthwhile to the degree to which you use it.

To me, there are many levels to this mantra. The first is what I hope is the obvious meaning: that the grand idea you enjoying espousing while sitting on the couch only has value if you actually act on it. No matter what the economy does, talk remains cheap.

Now of course, there’s nothing wrong with shooting the shit. Making wild speculations, fantasizing about pies in the skies. It’s entertaining conversation and necessary escape from the day to day. Eventually, it may even help you stumble on that one friggin’ unbelievably awesome idea. The Big What If.

And yeah, I’m talking here about the Real Big What Ifs: Talking about going back to school to apply for that license. Talking about taking off and going camping in the desert for a month. Talking about maybe living with different people, or a different place, just to see how it goes. Talking about creating something from where there was nothing. Talking about new ways. Talking about changing your circumstances.

There is no doubt about it, that first step, the proverbial getting off of the mythic couch, the making of the effort, the doing of the different stuff, is the steepest step in the staircase. And then announcing your plan out loud to those immediately effected by it is no easier.

And then come the baby steps. Going to a new part of town. Hearing a new vocabulary.

As you launch, you might find it kinda sucks. You will be continuously confronted with your own ignorance and naiveté. At some point, you’ll likely be ripped off, probably humiliated, even. You will fail to meet an expectation, you will lose friends who won’t tolerate your foolishness, or maybe because you don’t hang out as much anymore. And let us not forget the most dangerous element, the folks who actually agree with you and encourage you. Who knows what baggage they’re bringing. It’s a jungle out there.

And so here is where the further, more esoteric (whoa), meanings of the mantra come in, the meanings that only comes with experience.

For as tough as that first step was – making the call, showing up to the class, getting everyone together, blocking the time to study – the issue of merely making an effort fades, and what emerges is finding what is “true”.

It’s only true if you do it. The truth here is the consequences.

This is where one might tell you to always be evaluating your performance based on your progress towards your goal. And I would certainly never argue with that. It’s great advice. A goal is never accomplished without a true effort, and what it takes to get it done is the truth, Ruth. Book it.

But enough about you…how about that hare-brained idea? Did executing this enterprise impact the world in some way? Do other people know each other now because your actions? Is something now true that wasn’t before?

The questions never cease. Have a ball and lemme know. It’s only true if you do it.

Throughout my childhood years, I envisioned myself growing up to be a conventional doctor. I was going to go to college, become a doctor, and be a great success in my profession. For some reason, I was in a huge hurry to do it, so I set up a 3 year college plan to speed it all up. While conquering my pre-med curriculum, I landed a job in a chiropractor’s office where something just clicked into place. Suddenly I realized how I wanted to help people… It was very unconventional to say the least! The doctors in my office were identifying the root causes of illness via muscle response testing and using natural supplements in conjunction with real whole foods to correct it… And it worked! When I saw patients being healed this way, I was on fire about the whole thing and I knew, without a doubt, that I was meant to be a holistic health care practitioner.

The challenge I faced, since this was a road less traveled, was that I couldn’t find the “right” way to become an alternative doctor. At the time (back in 1996) there were only two universities on the west coast where you could study to become a medical naturopath. Since I tend to be hard core about my convictions, I wasn’t interested in those schools since you still had to study much of the conventional medical curriculum. While I weighed my options, I completed my undergraduate degree (it ended up taking me five years!). I found a small holistic school nearby that I decided to attend, as they focused their programs in only the subjects I was truly interested in. I knew this was a gamble because I wouldn’t be able to call myself a doctor legally when all was said and done, but I convinced myself that titles didn’t matter to me… I just wanted to help people find true health. At this point I had to set aside the part of my ego that wanted to be a “respectable doctor” and accept that I wasn’t willing to compromise my deepest self for it. I had to be ok with just a certification as a naturopath and practice under the radar of the law in order to be the me I wanted to be. So that’s what I did.

Fast forward to present: I’m married, have two children, and due to my husband’s career relocations I’m not practicing anymore. Now that my children are in school, I started thinking about how to get back to work as a holistic dietitian and then I had a huge realization that I had to come to terms with: I still couldn’t practice with just a certification! I wasn’t who I planned on being! I made the choice to have a family and I’m so happy that I did. But the thing that REALLY bothered me was that after all of my efforts in schooling, combined with all of that tuition, plus the extra certifications and business startups- I’m an unpracticed illegal naturopath. HA! When I realized this, it was a pretty dark week that required some major self reflection in some majorly uncomfortable ways. I knew that I made the best choices I could for myself at all points in my past and I didn’t regret any of them, but I missed my goals by a long shot.

The doozey is this: when I researched the state laws for representing myself as a nutritionist I found out that in 47 states you have to be a licensed dietitian! Ouch! So I STILL couldn’t be who I wanted to be even though I wasn’t trying to be a doctor. That’s when I did some soul searching and decided that I was going to go back to school to get my masters in nutrition and become a licensed dietitian. With this title I can officially wash my hands of my worries in black market consultations and actually have a title that means something to the mainstream world.

It might sound like I caved and compromised my convictions, since after all the dietitians fresh out of university aren’t taught holistically. But in my current state of wisdom I’ve realized that my unconventional approach to getting educated didn’t really get me where I’d hoped to be. I’ve also realized that to be heard out there, it’s ok to go through some uncomfortable things to get what you want. Before I made the decision to go back to school to be a dietitian I thought that I was compromising my beliefs of creating my own path and not conforming to what society says is the “right” thing to do.

I’ve realized that it truly is in the benefit of all to maintain flexibility and remain open while still holding strong to our passions and convictions.

When I began my journey ten years ago, I was so self-centered and I refused to see what others had done to achieve similar goals because I didn’t want to waiver one bit or waste time on things that didn’t interest me. Through life’s experience, I know differently now…and it was in actually seeking out other professionals who practice the same way in which I want to practice, and then emulate them (so I can deepen my experience even further.) They are the ones who have accomplished their goals and it gives me great hope that I can finally do the same as I continue to evolve on my journey. Even though my initial need to rush through school turned into a decade of delay, I’m finally content with going through the process necessary to create a real place for myself in the alternative health care industry!

Lisa Mislevy is a Certified Naturopath and Nutritional Consultant who believes that the recipe for true health is by going back to eating real food! As an active mother of two beautiful children and a busy holistic health care practitioner, she has established an equilibrium between her work and her family life so as to completely embody these truths and share her innate knowing, knowledge and experience with others. Share your thoughts or ask a question at lisa.mislevy(at)yahoo.com