The Diary of a Geek in Oxfordshire

Roasting For One: Crazy or Crazy Delicious?

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 16 May 2011 07:40:00 +0000

Published on 'Fabulous Foodie' 15/5/2011

To do justice to food as the most wide-ranging and personal of subjects, I needed additional voices to chime in. I asked dungeekin so he would make me one of the fabulous roasts he discusses below. My plan is working ’cause I’ve been eating awfully well as a result. — Deb.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The topic of solo activities has been weighing upon my mind recently, given that it will be another nine days before I am back again at the dining-table of my beloved. And by ‘solo activities’, for the more earthily-minded among you, I am of course referring to cooking for one.

Specifically, Sunday roasts when cooking for one.

Sunday roasts, with all the trimmings, are of course a British tradition. They’re as much a part of the English way of life as the Queen, substandard dentistry and constant drizzle. Yet when I mentioned on Twitter that I was planning to treat myself to a Sunday roast – alone – the news was met with a degree of surprise.

It seems that many people view cooking a roast (especially if they’re on their own) as hard work – a great deal of effort on a day of rest. And this surprises me, because it isn’t. Really, honestly, it isn’t hard work at all.

A tempting roast dinner – with all the glorious kitchen smells that brings, and the dopey satedness that follows its eating – is actually staggering simple. It’s ‘fire and forget’ food – with a few minutes thought and pre-planning, you can have a juicy roast on the table with luscious accompaniments in two hours – of which, despite impressions, you’ve only had to do about 30 minutes’ work.

It’s true, honest.

I wrote a roast chicken recipe some time ago which outlines the concept, however in order to prove my point I’m going to tell you what I cooked for myself tonight. It was good. More importantly, it was easy, which is a priority when cooking alone. And if you follow this, you’ll have a juicy roast on the table inside two hours, with less work than you’d need to cook a risotto.

Roast Pork, Roast Potatoes, Broccoli, Fried Leeks & Mushrooms.

This will serve one with leftovers (if, like me, you like raiding the fridge for a cold roast potato) or two easily enough.

You’ll need:

1kg pork shoulder with the skin on (for crackling);
Either 4 large or 8 smaller potatoes (floury King Edwards are good for roasting, but you can use whatever);
1 head of broccoli;
2 large leeks;
Butter, sea salt, olive oil, black pepper;
Onion gravy granules (remember, this is a quick job, so it’s not cheating).

Put the oven on. HIGH (250C is good). Boil the kettle. Chuck a good lug of olive oil into a roasting dish.

Once the oven’s up to temperature, put the pork on a plate in the sink. Pour the boiling water over the skin, and watch it start to crinkle. Pat it dry (carefully), drizzle it with a little olive oil and season with lots of salt and black pepper. Pop it in the roasting dish, skin up, and chuck it in the oven. Set the timer for 20 minutes – this is the initial ‘sizzle’.

Peel and chop (if necessary) your potatoes, and pop them in a saucepan of salted water to parboil.

Go and watch TV for 20 minutes, there’s nothing you can do right now.

When the timer goes, go and turn the heat on the oven down to 170-180C, and reset the timer for 30 minutes. Carefully take the potatoes out of their boiling water, set them aside and turn off the heat on the saucepan – you’ll need that water later, so keep hold of it. Go back to the TV for the remaining time.

Thirty minutes later, when the oven goes ‘ping’ – take out the roasting dish, pop in the potatoes, and give them a careful flip or two to cover them in the oil and meat fat. Back in the oven – set the timer again, this time for 40 minutes. Pour yourself a glass of wine, and return to your scheduled afternoon viewing….

Seriously, you’ve done maybe ten minutes work and there’s now nothing else you can do for almost an hour. Leave everything alone.

Once the 40 minutes is up, you have 15 minutes of business ahead (ish). First, take the pork out of the oven, then carefully remove the skin, and wrap the pork in foil to relax while you finish your meal. Pop the crackling back on a shelf in the oven, so it carries on drying and crisping up.

Turn on the heat under the saucepan you used earlier, and heat some butter and olive oil in a frying pan. Put some gravy granules in a jug.

Chop as much broccoli as you need, and chuck it into the saucepan. Chop the leeks and mushrooms, and put them in the frying pan Cook until the leek and mushroom mix, and the broccoli, are both tender, then simply turn the heat off under both pans, and drain the water from the broccoli straight into the gravy mix, and stir.

Unwrap your meat, carve. Turn off the oven, take out the potatoes and the crackling. Add everything to the plate. Serve. Eat.

Now, seriously, how hard was that? You have a perfect Sunday roast, leftovers to nibble on, and the sense of replete achievement that comes with a meal most people seem to think is ‘hard work’.

Though of course if you’re on your own, you do have to do the washing-up . . .

The Physics Of Coffee Mugs Explained

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 16:29:00 +0000

When you need it most it's in the smallest mug....

So I noticed today that the lovely Gotham Girl was asking one of those deep philosophical questions that go to the very heart of our existence here in the Universe:

"Why are all coffee mugs so small? or do they just feel that way when one hasn't had enough coffee?"

Well, it's been a long time since my PhD in Applied & Theoretical Caffeination, but I can still recall the basics and so, in the interest of Bringing Science To The Masses, permit me to explain the phenomenon.

It's a noted scientific fact that the mug size decreases in inverse proportion to the need for coffee, due to quantum irregularities. The phenomenon was first noted by Isaac Newton, in fact, who was in dire need of a triple espresso after an unfortunate apple-related incident left him lying flat on his front for three weeks. However, while his work on mug size led directly to both his Laws of Bowel Motions and a severe case of caffeine withdrawal, he was unable to explain the reason for the events he observed.

Many people believe that the breakthrough in understanding the coffee/cup/need relationship was best postulated in Folger's Caffeine Uncertainty Principle, which reputedly came to the great man after a heavy night on the Jack Daniels. The Principle states that because the act of needing coffee changes the quantum state of the coffee itself simply by being present, we can either know how much coffee is in the mug or how good it tastes - but not both. A purist would, of course, note the fundamental contradiction inherent within the Caffeine Uncertainty Principle, though lack of space prevents me explaining it here. However, many in the field now agree that Folger would have produced a better Principle had he not been hungover when he postulated all over the page.

However, some caffeticians believe that this Universal question can better be explained by the groundbreaking work of none other than Albert Einstein in his 1918 General Theory Of Javativity, which states that:

c = √Ne

where c= cup size, N= need for a brew and e= The Eurgh Constant*, brought about by not having coffee and believed to be the largest 'real number in existence**.

Now clearly, I don't have to tell you that Einstein's theory leaves significant gaps for the thinking caffetician. The theorem makes no allowance, for example, for the significant effects of spacetime on the surface area of a cappucino, for example, which many believe was Einstein's greatest error (after his choice of hairdresser).

That said, Einstein could not have been expected to predict the later work of Professor Maxwell House of Princeton, who proved that coffee exists in multiple quantum states, acting like both a wave, a particle and a good smack around the ears at the same time, and whose seminal work (thankfully just missing his mocha when he released it) on Latte Theory is still being studied for both insight and any sense at all.

So you can see from just this simple primer that the question has taxed some of the finest minds in history, and we still have much to learn about the physics of the coffee mug. However, mine is now empty so I shall refill it before it reduces to subatomic size. Join me next week, when we'll be investigating the theological schisms caused by Marmite sandwiches through history.

* This footnote intentionally left blank.

** The Eurgh Constant is defined as the square of the cube of the likelihood of you getting a kick in the teeth if you don't bring me a double espresso right now, multiplied by the Fine Structure Constant and divided by the number you first thought of. Plus 42, obviously. The equation is çɞʧE³. You're welcome.

Dun Geekin is Syphilitus Professor of Coffee Sciences at St Arbucks University. He holds a PhD in Pure and Applied Caffeinetics from Javard, a BArista in Theoretical Wiredness from Costa College, and a 10-yard swimming certificate.

Protests Over Libya No-Fly Zone

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 13:52:00 +0000

Gaddaffi: "Just needs something to cuddle."

The Stop The War Coalition have called for immediate demonstrations against UK 'warmongering', in the wake of the decision to impose a No-Fly Zone over Libya to protect democracy campaigners.

The news follows an announcement by the Libyan regime that they will cease all military action in response to the UN Security Council Resolution, returning instead to slaughtering their citizens by more traditional covert methods.

A spokesman for the group, which opposes military action by Western powers absolutely anywhere while remaining resolutely silent on international massacres by dictators worldwide, said that the imposition of the No-Fly Zone was 'purely political' and that the Nasty Evil West should not be allowed to stop Uncle Muammar from murdering as many of his citizens as he chose.

The spokesman said, "to stop progressive democratic leaders such as Muammar Gaddafi from brutally suppressing public revolt would be a violation of international sovereignty and, of course, we all know that actually Gaddafi is just a misunderstood soul who was very kind to his mother, until he had her shot for sedition. Just ask George Galloway.

"Besides, if the West does nothing we can watch the massacres live on TV and that gives us something else to ineffectually wring our hands about, rather than standing up for what is morally right and sanctioned, in this case, by international law."

The STWC said that they planned to promote other means to stop genocide in defence of tyranny, including a campaign to send a planeload of kittens to the Libyan leader, who as far as they're concerned just needs something to cuddle.

In related news, the Yemeni and Bahraini governments continue to shoot protesters dead in the streets, while UN diplomats have taken an extended lunchbreak to have a self-congratulatory circle jerk.

UN Acts On Libya Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 09:01:00 +0000

United Nations: A long history of hoping problems will go away if ignored.

The world was completely unsurprised last night when, in accordance with history, tradition and convention, diplomats at the ~~League Of Nations~~ United Nations actually got around to making a decision once it was too late for it actually to matter.

The UN Security Council last night voted 10:5 - a startling degree of unanimity from the traditionally divided talking-shop - to send a polite note to Colonel Muammar Genocide of Libya asking him nicely if he wouldn't mind stopping slaughtering absolutely everyone in his country.

Experienced UN-watchers expressed surprise at so strong and quick a decision from the Security Council, coming as it did just a few days after Colonel Genocide made a start on slaughtering absolutely everybody in his country.

A UN spokesman in New York said, "Security Council 173 sends a strong message to Colonel Genocide that the United Nations will, as we always have, sit and do precisely fuck-all until forced, at which point we will respond with the full force of the minimum we can get away with."

BBC UN Correspondent Mark Mardybum said, "while the severity of this UN decision is extremely surprising, the actual time it took to make it is completely normal . The UN has a long tradition of appeasement, disunity in the face of massacres and, of course, hoping that if they ignore a problem for long enough it will go away before they have to interrupt lunch to do something about it."

The Security Council resolution also threatens the imposition of a No-Fly-Zone over Libya, which is expected to be patrolled by the UK, who are believed to have as many as two aircraft available at present and no aircraft carriers, and the French, who have already surrendered. Arab League countries, who requested the imposition of a no-fly-zone last week, will not be using any of the new, shiny F-15s and F-16s they've been buying in hundreds from the US with petrodollars, as these are needed to brutally suppress their own internal calls for democracy.

Independent observers estimate that by the time aircraft are on station, Colonel Genocide will have completed his operations, bombed Benghazi flat, and the population of Libya will consist of the Colonel himself, his son Sadist Al-Genocide, their respective wives and the Colonel's pet camel Fred.

Neville Chamberlain was unavailable for comment.

UK Government Plays Down Nuclear Power Fears

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 09:35:00 +0000

Fukushima: activists say earthquake and tsunami prove nuclear power should be banned.

As the nuclear crisis in Japan continues, the UK Government has sought to play down safety fears about planned UK nuclear plants.

The reactors at Japan's Fukushima site have suffered explosions and coolant problems since the devastating earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the region last week, and UK activists have called for an urgent moratorium on the UK's use of atomic power stations in the wake of the disaster.

Activist Sally Dumbcow, of pressure group Use Any Disaster To Push Our Agenda (UADTPO) said, "it is clear that events in Japan show that nuclear power is a deadly evil. If the Fukushima reactors could not withstand the sixth-largest earthquake in recorded history plus the impact of several billion tons of saltwater travelling at close to the speed of sound, then what chance does it have in the unstable environment of the UK? Nuclear power will clearly devastate the planet and cause genetic mutations unto the third generation. And stuff. Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?"

However, Energy Minister Chris Huhne sought to play down the fears of UADTPO and other pressure groups, insisting that UK nuclear plants will be fully safe.

Mr Huhne said, "I want to reassure the public that the UK's reactors will be completely safe. They will be built to the highest-possible standards, and the lowest possible tender, using Britain's finest engineering firms, like the ones who built the Millenium Bridge in London to exacting rigidity levels.

"Our plans ensure that sites will be able to withstand all the extremes that Britain can throw at them, including heavy frosts, persistent drizzle and temperatures of up to 80 degrees centigrade at least one day per year. As for seismic events - our structural engineers assure the Department of Energy that the corrugated iron planned for the reactor vessels will comfortably withstand earthquakes up to a magnitude of 0.7, and tsunami up to a wave height of almost six inches. This is British Engineering at its finest, how much safer do you want?"

Your correspondent contacted award-winning Professor Brian Cox - who knows everything - for comment, and in a statement he confirmed that those arguing against nuclear power in the UK should perhaps read his book explaining plate tectonics.

Midsomer Murders Team Make Cast Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 10:05:00 +0000

Midsomer Multicultural: DCI Barnaby may appear in blackface in future episodes.

The producers of ITV crime drama Midsomer Murders have announced sweeping cast changes in an attempt to stave off criticism of the lack of ethnic diversity in the show.

The outcry over the lack of non-white characters in the popular series has led the producer, Brian True-May, to confirm that he would make significant changes to 'reflect the multicultural nature of small English villages'.

Speaking to an emergency meeting of the Commission For Racial Equality, he said, "I don't want people to think I'm racist at all. I'm not, and obviously some of my best friends are ethnics. So I plan to bring the viewing public my vision and experience of the multicultural Cotswold village in future episodes."

Mr True-May added, "I will bring to bear all my knowledge of black and ethnic-minority culture to the series, and in doing so I believe I'll dispel these accusations of racism in the Midsomer world."

The upcoming series, which is to be co-produced by Jim Davidson, will see the character of DCI Barnaby replaced with a wisecracking Rastafarian detective who wears a big striped hat and says, "Ooooooooooooookay" repeatedly. Rumours that the character may be played by John Nettles in blackface remain unconfirmed.

Midsomer Norton is to be replaced by Midsomer Projects, a sink estate with rampant gun-battles between police, Crips and Bloods overspilling into the peaceful surrounding villages which are of course solely occupied by white, upper-class families and their servants.

Upcoming plots are said to include a series of mysterious murders over crack-dealing territory in Newton Magna, a riot during a rap battle at Ford Florey Village Hall, and the shooting of the Asian shopkeeper by a gangbanger in Morton Shallows.

In other news, producers of 'Neighbours' confirmed that they were considering cast changes to offset complaints that non-Australians were under-represented, and US hit show 'The Fresh Prince' will be banned from all UK terrestrial channels.

The Diary has learned that Equalities Minister Theresa May is to make an Emergency Statement to MPs on the issue of under-representation of ethnic minorities in a not-very-good TV crime drama, because of course there is nothing more important going on anywhere in the world right now.

Scotland Skipper Announces Six Nations Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 10:05:00 +0000

A rare photo of Scotland skipper Gregor Townsend without his zimmer frame.

Scotland rugby captain Gregor Townsend has announced surprise changes to the side to ~~lose to~~ face the might of England in Sunday's Six Nations clash at Twickenham tomorrow.

Townsend, who is Scotland's most-capped player and who celebrates his 75th birthday tomorrow by leading his team onto the field, made the changes to the starting 15 in an attempt to end their 28-year wait for a victory over England at Twickenham.

Townsend said, "we know that we're going into this match as underdogs - and, of course, we've lost all our matches this Six Nations whle England are undefeated. But I believe that we can win, and by bringing new blood into the side we can introduce new elements of dynamism. I know we can win - at least, when I'm not taking the medication I know we can win."

Townsend announced that St. Jude, Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes, is to come into the side at full-back, in an attempt to bring some luck to the back line. St Jude, who has been playing for Harlequins in recent seasons, is expected to provide at least one other person as deluded as Townsend in the Scotland XV.

The corpse of William Wallace also joins the starting lineup at prop forward, with Townsend pointing out that Wallace will need propping up due to being dead. However, Townsend added that he felt Wallace's history of performance against the English would aid in motivating a Scotland side lacking confidence.

The Scotland skipper reportedly tried to make a number of other team changes, but couldn't find a way of declaring Chris Ashton and Jonny WIlkinson Scottish. Other suggested intakes to the side, including Supergran on the left wing and Groundskeeper Willie at blind side, were rejected by the Scottish RFU as being completely imaginary and a figment of the same fevered imagination that believes Scotland have the slightest chance tomorrow.

England coach Martin Johnson was laughing too hard to comment.

'Smokeheads' Review

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 09:03:00 +0000

This review is published on Bookmunch

Smokeheads, by Doug Johnstone
Published by Faber
ISBN 97800-571-26062-1

The author's love of whisky - if not for his characters - shines through. His descriptions of the drams fill your mind with sensations good enough to drink, and are as vivid as his characterisations aren't.

Here's a challenge for you. Design a cliched novel.

The Hero: Thirtysomething Guy trapped in a dead-end job, crippled with insecurity and shyness but with a big TOP SECRET [SUBJECT]-related plan to Become Someone, in which he can only be helped by:

The Rich Friend: millionaire, loudmouth, shallow, brazen, coke-addled, self-absorbed, unfaithful;

The Laid-Back Chilled Friend Who Nobody ACTUALLY Knows That Much About And Whose Mysteriousness Will Hold Secrets That Subsequently Impact The Plot;

The Completely Normal Married Friend Who Will No Doubt Play Little Part In The Upcoming Plot;

And of course before we can get to The Plan, there's the:

Obligatory [SUBJECT]-Related Female Love Interest, for whom our Hero has some unexpressed feelings which of course are reciprocated, bringing him into conflict with:

The Violent Ex-Husband Who Is Also The Local Police Officer And Thus A Law Unto Himself.

A generic plot doesn’t necessarily mean a bad book, though, and as a whisky lover I was keen to visit Islay with Doug Johnstone and see how his characters, stereotypical though they may have been, fared in their travels.

The first problem I ran into with Smokeheads was how unsympathetically Doug Johnstone has defined his lead characters. The main ones, as described above, are all pretty much stereotypical novel characters, yet from an early stage they are characterised so unattractively that it doesn't provide an impetus to nose further into the book and discover their journey.

I think the immediate issue is that while it's good to have a main protagonist that is seeking self-redemption, so that you can HOPE with him through the story - if the character in question is so insecure, unattractive and mired in self-loathing in the first fifty pages it's tough to connect with enough sympathy to WANT him to succeed. If I want unsympathetically-crafted characters with few redeeming features and sufficient bad ones to make me dislike them from very early on - I'll watch an episode of Eastenders.

The plot itself was indeed pretty thin and, sadly, lacked any sort of true buildup, going straight from one issue with the ‘smokeheads’ straight into the main thrust of the story, which was essentially a generic ‘group being pursued by crazy person’ theme. It was made even less believable by one of the protagonists who, despite a large chunk of Audi embedded in his torso and significant blood loss, still found both time and energy to make smart-alec remarks every second or third paragraph. And as I’ve already mentioned, by the time I reached that point in the book I didn’t like the main characters enough to want them to prevail. I kept hoping the Generic Bad Guy would catch and kill them, bringing the book to an end.

There’s also the jump to consider, from a book about dreams of personal redemption to violent action thriller. This could have been a fantastic twist from one genre to another, but the flatness of the writing and the characters meant it lacked the impact it could have had. It also didn’t help that Johnstone telegraphed the upcoming violence like a punch from a drunken Glaswegian.

Johnstone’s action sequences, while pacy, are so lacking in description that they simply blur, leaving the reader hard-pressed to follow what’s going on. A good sequence should allow you ‘see’ the action on a mental cinema screen – the amount of dialogue and the speed in which everything passed, combined with limited visual cues or description, made that extremely difficult and added to the lack of interest in the plot.

Another disappointment was the lack of colour to the landscape and descriptions. As with the characters, Doug Johnstone has largely ignored the imagery of the Scottish islands, leaving you with little sense of the geography or the breathtaking beauty of the area. It could have therefore been set anywhere, from the Highlands to an Edinburgh council estate, with little difference to the story itself.

What kept me reading this to the finish, despite my absolute and immediate dislike of the characters and most of the writing, was the love that shone through from Johnstone for the true hero of the story - whisky. Johnstone describes his whiskies with a zest, passion and colour that his humans can't hope to compete with, bringing an occasional beauty to the prose that would otherwise be missing.

I can’t help feeling that Doug Johnstone likes whisky considerably more than he likes people – a sentiment I can fully agree with. However, given this he probably shouldn’t have written a novel, and instead should have focused on bringing us a whisky-tasting manual – which would, I can guarantee, have been more excitingly and colourfully written and undoubtedly a more enjoyable read than Smokeheads.

Don't Expect Any Funnies Today

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 14:50:00 +0000

This has struck closer to home, this time around, than it may previously have done.

My thoughts are with those affected by this tragedy.

The 'Not A Banker' Who Broke The Bank...

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 18:31:00 +0000

It appears that 'Fred The Shred' has thrown himself unto the Courts,
And used legal precedent, to disguise the fact he’s bent
And the Judges did decree he’s not a banker any more,
And to call him by this term they did prevent,
Yes to call him by the term they did prevent,

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

To deny he was a banker is just pointless double-talk,
We were all left so aghast at the money he’d amassed,
And he pocketed his Pension with the keenness of a hawk,
Now he wants his sins all hidden in the past,
Yes he wants his sins all hidden in the past,

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

So Sir Fred has his injunction but the truth we all can tell,
It’s a steaming pile o’poo, for the good that it will do,
We will STILL call him a banker, he can go to fuckin’ Hell,
He can scream ‘contempt of court’, what can they do,
When a million people shout out that it’s true?

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

France Recognises Libyan Rebels

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 12:18:00 +0000

The French flag flies over their Mission in Tripoli this morning.

French diplomats have confirmed today that they have recognised the Libyan rebel leadership, the National Libyan Council, as the country's legitimate Government.

In a statement released this morning, a spokesman for the office of President Knickerless Sarkozy said, "France has a duty and a responsibility to meet its international obligations, and to maintain its worldwide diplomatic presence. We recognise the bravery and determination of the NLC in staving off the yoke of Gadaffi's oppression, and their courage in taking up arms for freedom."

"The Government of France therefore announces its unconditional surrender to the National Libyan Council. Here, take my daughter. Just don't hurt us, please!", before running off to hide under his bed.

The French Embassy in Tripoli is now reported to be flying the country's traditional white flag, and negotiations are under way for the NLC, currently running eastern Libya from a garden shed in Benghazi, to take over the Elysee Palace in Paris.

The news is the latest in France's capitulations to Middle-Eastern democracy campaigners, and follows their recent unconditional surrender to a homeless Algerian with a big dog in Marseilles last week.

General De Gaulle was unavailable for comment.

Government Introduce New Solar Power Initiative

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 11:37:00 +0000

Cameron & Hague: "combined forehead surface area the size of the Isle of Wight"

As the crisis in the Middle East continues, the Government has announced new measures to reduce the UK's reliance on fossil fuels in the face of rising oil prices.

With the price of oil still rising and the cost of a barrel of crude now at $105, the Department of Energy & Climate change said that 'immediate measures' were necessary to offset the cost and make greater use of renewable sources.

Secretary of State for Energy, Chris Huhne, said, "as the situation in the Middle East remains fluid, it is essential that we investigate all other avenues for energy generation, reducing and removing our reliance on old oil-fired power stations. Therefore, with immediate effect we will be placing solar panels on the vast foreheads of Prime Minister David Cameron and Foreign Secretary William Hague."

Mr Huhne added, "the huge surface-area of their combined heads will allow for an area of photoelectric cells equivalent to a land mass the size of the Isle Of Wight, fully dedicated to providing power to the National Grid and allowing us to remove up to six oil-fired power stations from the UK inventory. This will have a significant impact on the UK meeting its carbon-emissions targets under the Kyoto Accords as well."

Environmental activists have cautiously welcomed the DECC proposal, though they expressed concerns at the use of politicians in the generation of electricity. Hilary Sandalwonk, spokesperson for Gaea's Great, said, "while we can see the benefit in using two massive slapheads as a source of renewable power, care must be taken to ensure that the vacuous pronouncements they make on a regular basis don't spout so much hot air into the atmosphere that it removes the benefit of the CO2 reduction."

Plans to expand the solar project to include Iain Duncan Smith remain unconfirmed, as solar-panel manufacturers have expressed doubts that it is even possible to build sufficient cells to cover his head.

Hague Accepts Responsibility For Failed Libya Mission

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 11:56:00 +0000

A crack UK Special-Ops team prepare for deployment to Libya.

Secretary of State For International Screwups William Hague has said that he takes 'full ministerial responsibility' for a bungled diplomatic mission in Libya which led to British personnel being captured by armed rebels.

More details have been emerging about the reportedly botched mission, which caused six personnel and an intelligence officer to be handcuffed and held for some hours. The personnel have now been released and are aboard HMS Cumberland.

Mr Hague said, "I take full responsibility for authorising the mission. Unfortunately, it was an error on my part. I had meant to call the SAS, but unfortunately I'd had 14 pints and ended up drunk-dialling my constituency Morris-Dancing Society instead. They did the best they could do, under the circumstances."

A spokesman for the Richmond Morris Men said, "obviously we were surprised to receive Mr Hague's call - escorting Intelligence officers isn't normally within our remit. But we had a blank space in the diary, and he said he needed us."

The spokesman added, "the black assault gear was a bit of a problem, but it worked well once we added the bells and traditional hats. However, once the helicopter landed, our problems really began. The Libyan rebels thought our accordion was a dangerous weapon, and the MoD Rules Of Engagement wouldn't let us use the Stick And Bucket Dance, so all we had to defend ourselves with were our white kerchiefs. It kind-of went downhill from there really."

Questions have been asked in Parliament over Mr Hague's decision to employ Morris Men in such a volatile situation, with Labour MP Denis MacShane predictably asking if the Foreign Slaphead had considered his position.

SAS troopers, speaking anonymously about the botched mission, said that had the Morris Men were inadequately equipped and prepared for their risky insertion. One said, "I mean, come on. It sounds like they didn't even have a publishing deal ready for when they got captured. How ill-prepared is that?"

Andy McNab was all-too-available to comment.

Hades Issues Desperate Aid Plea

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 17:23:00 +0000

The UN Disaster Relief Fund has called for urgent action to prevent what it called a 'crisis of unimaginable proportions', after Hell unexpectedly froze over last week.

President Lucifer of Hell has also called on the international community for help, with uncountable souls currently suffering a fifth day of Arctic conditions. Pits of boiling lava have reportedly frozen solid and Charon, the MD of the Hades Ferry Line, has been stranded in the middle of the frozen Acheron River since the crisis started. Almost all the residents of the Upper Circles of Hell are lacking basic winter essentials such as blankets and coats, with many walking barefoot through six-foot snowdrifts.

President Lucifer acknowledged that the UN had been slow to respond due to prior allegations of torture and human soul abuses in Hell, but said, "we simply don't have the infrastructure to handle this. We're sorted for eternal punishments, flaying and Sisyphean tasks, but there's been a chronic lack of investment in the hardware to handle an Ice Age."

The crisis began just after 2100GMT on Wednesday 2 March, when reports indicate that elegant New York socialite @nycdeb accepted a proposal of marriage from @dungeekin, sparking an immediate change in the normally stable climate of the Netherworld. Within hours, blizzards were devastating the normally superheated lava floes, causing significant damage and resulting in delays to the regularly-run Eternal Torture services.

The Disaster Relief Fund is to launch a televised appeal for supplies to aid the stricken Underworld, including coal to keep the torture fires burning, and equipment to build an all-weather Flaying pitch so that normal services within Hell can be continued.

Asked for his thoughts on the events which precipitated the crisis, President Lucifer said, "Utterly thoughtless. Nobody ever suspected that either of those two would get hitched - it would have been a bit bloody chilly here if one of them had done it, but the insensitive buggers had to do it with EACH OTHER. I've got something really special waiting for those two when they get down here, I can tell you."

@Dungeekin was too blissfully happy to comment.

Joking Aside, The Joke's Over.

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:27:00 +0000

Normally on November 11, I put up a short poem from one of the War Poets, in Remembrance of those who gave their lives for this country and for the freedoms we enjoy today.

Not today.

Today, in a change from the scheduled programming, I intend instead to be Threatening and Menacing.

Because as well as the services at the Cenotaph, the memorials and the Silences across the country, in Doncaster Crown Court one of those very freedoms for which The Fallen stood was taken away from us.

Freedom to say something idiotic.

Paul Chambers - sensationally and inaccurately described by Pravda as 'Twitter Bomb Hoaxer' - did exactly that last year. For his 140 character moment of idiocy, in which he 'threatened' to 'blow Robin Hood Airport sky-high' he was fined and given a criminal record under Section 127 of the newly-implemented Communications Act 2003, which essentially means that you can't say anything which anybody may consider offensive, threatening, inciteful or slightly naughty in any way, shape, form or format.

Today a judge, defying the very term, showed absolutely no judgement whatsoever and rejected Paul's appeal against his sentence.

Think about that for a moment, Dear Reader. Consider the number of times you've said, "I'll kill him/her", or words to that effect, or joked that you'd like to set fire to your office, or any of the myriad other things British people joke about, in that slightly dark way that has for so many years defined our sense of humour. You haven't done any of it, of course - but congratulations, you're a criminal.

Even the Police officer who interviewed Mr Chambers - and bear in mind, Plod aren't normally a species known these days for their intellect or reasoning capabilities - was satisfied in himself that this was a joking comment made for friends, with no intent, malice or threat. Yet Mr Chambers was still charged. And convicted. And that conviction was upheld. A life destroyed in a sentence by those who would destroy all our lives, by denying us the ability to make a tactless joke.

I gave serious thought today to retiring completely, and deleting this blog from the Internet. After all, over the last few years I've impaled, flayed, immolated and generally threatened and abused whichever sub-order of Humanity had that day incurred The Wrath Of Dungeekin. And that includes Greater Manchester Police. I haven't done any of it, of course - but I might have done. And it only takes one humourless troll in that septic tank of humourless trolls - the Crown Prosecution Service - to decide that I might do it, or that it was Threatening and Menacing, to land me in front of some moronic, out-of-touch beak trying desperately to defend my words.

Then I thought. And I decided. NO, I will not delete this blog because the previous Government wanted to stifle freedom of expression and the current Government is too spineless to repeal a dangerous and overly-prescriptive law. No, I will not stop putting people on spikes, setting them on fire and dismembering them in interesting ways to satisfy their desire to sanitise and homogenise society until nobody can take offence at anything, ever. Most of all, I will NOT stop having a sense of humour, and saying extreme things that make people with a brain laugh.

The Fallen died for the right to Freedom of Expression. Who are the Government and the Judiciary to take that away from us, and replace it with nothing?

I believe, in fact, that the people I'd like to blow sky-high the most right now are in the Crown Prosecution Service. I'd also like to set fire to the humourless fuckwits in Greater Manchester Police who even put a file forward to the CPS, and I have special plans involving boiling oil and a half-dozen rabid weasels for the moron so-called Judge who upheld the 'conviction' today.

Am I joking?

And if you're a Blogger and you're reading this - firstly I hope you've donated to the #twitterjoketrial fund, and secondly I hope you'll join me in being as Threatening and Menacing as possible to the senseless, gormless cretins who drafted, imposed and enforced this travesty of law. Let's blog as many threats as we can, and blow the whole fucking thing sky-high.

Labour Deficit Reduction Plan Leaked

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 17:49:00 +0000

"I'll thcream and thcream and thcream until I'm thick! And I can!"

Labour Party Leader 'Little' Ed Millipede has vowed an urgent inquiry and 'swift punishment'. after details of the Opposition's deficit-reduction plans were left in a public place and subsequently released to the Press.

The news comes in the wake of Chancellor George Botox's swingeing cuts to the UK Budget, which are believed to amount to a massive £750 over the course of the next seventeen Parliaments, and after Shadow Chancellor Alan Useless had spent significant time wibbling pointlessly about how terrible the debt was that Labour didn't cause, honest.

The top-secret Labour document was reportedly found left on a seat in a progressive gentleman's club, where the Minister in possession of it had been spanking taxpayers money, among other things, and was passed to The Diary by a ~~stripper~~ caring member of the public that your Correspondent doesn't use monthly.

Master Millipede said, "the leaking of this document is an egregious offence, and we will track down the irresponsible individual and have them punished. Probably by my Governess."

The document is believed to be a single sheet of foolscap, containing the text, "Our Deficit Reduction Plan: LIE", and is currently being studied by a crack team of psychologists, economists and the ONS to establish precisely how it differs from any other plan Labour have had over the last thirteen years.

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment. Again.

Public Sector Calls for Strike Action

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 07:51:00 +0000

If they're not too busy to strike, they're not busy enough and can be first for the axe.

Public-sector organisations across the UK have vowed to take strike action in the coming weeks, in protest at the budget cuts being implemented by the Coalition government.

Chancellor George Botox is swinging the financial axe with a target of cutting Government expenditure by 40%, as the Government struggle to reduce the deficit passed on to them by their predecessors.

However, the news has been met with anger by public sector managers and Trades Union leaders, who have defended their right to spunk astronomical amounts of taxpayer money up the wall while delivering no apparent benefit whatsoever.

Dave Trotsky, General Secretary of Unison, which represents the majority of public-sector wastage, said, "It's a sad day for the public sector as a whole, and mindless, money-chomping bureaucracy in particular.

"For thirteen years we've had endless amounts of money thrown at us, allowing us to build a bureaucracy that was the envy of the world - at least, that part of the world which thought Stalin was a pretty good administrator. Our management layers have produced levels of inefficiency and inertia never before seen in this country, while still ensuring that we have sufficient plausible deniability to meet our nebulous statistical targets."

Mr Trotsky was shaking with emotion as he called for industrial action against cuts, saying, "we will paralyse this nation! How will a nurse give a patient their medication without filling in Form S27/B6, in triplicate? How will the Police operate without full, 90 minute Risk Assessments prior to getting out of their patrol car? We call on all right-thinking…no, left-thinking….er… people to join us! No cuts! It is the purpose of the public sector to piss away money we haven't got, on pointless layers of management we don't need, and we MUST be allowed to continue."

However, Unison's call for action was met with derision from average taxpayers, who pointed out that if we cut the management numbers by 75% and put the savings to the frontline, we would probably see a 100% increase in stuff actually getting done.

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment, as he'd just wet himself. Again.

Justice Ministry to Review Sex Offences Law

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 25 May 2010 10:19:00 +0000

The Ministry of Justice have announced changes to sexual offences legislation following the conviction of two 10-year-old boys for the attempted rape of an eight-year-old girl.

The case has caused significant controversy for several reasons including the trial and conviction of prebubescent children for an adult offence, the import of which they could not possibly have comprehended, and the fact that the trial judge refused to throw out the case despite unsurprisingly contradictory testimony.

A Justice Ministry spokesman said, "we are aware of the problems this difficult and painful case has caused, and it is therefore right that we take action to ensure clarity in all circumstances.

"For example, it seems clear in this case that the children were 'experimenting' - akin, as many have said, to playing 'doctors and nurses'. Therefore we will be launching an urgent enquiry within the Crown Prosecution Service to discover why the children were not all charged with Impersonating A Medical Professional.

"New laws will also be put on the statute book to protect children from playground predators, and police will with immediate effect start patrolling schoolyards arresting children engaging in 'kiss-chase' for indecent assault. Fixed-Penalty Notices for Indecent Exposure will be issued to any girls doing handstands that show their knickers."

The spokesman also said that the Justice Ministry recognised the difficulties in a ten-year-old child signing the Sex Offenders Register, and confirmed that a new Register was to be implemented for all children found guilty of the heinous offence of being an inquisitive child.

The Sex Offenders Colouring-In Book will be used in future for all children convicted of being a child. The offender will be required to colour in a picture of themselves as a horrid paedophile who is beyond redemption. They will also undergo professional counselling explaining to them why their pre-adolescent idiocy will leave them tarnished and shunned for the rest of their natural lives, and why they completely deserve it.

Wonko The Sane was too depressed to comment.

Queen to Give 'Austerity Speech'

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 25 May 2010 08:53:00 +0000

Queen: "and from now one, one's official State robes will be supplied by Matalan."

Buckingham Palace sources have announced that the Queen will be cutting costs in support of the austerity measures announced yesterday by the Government.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, and David Laws, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, yesterday unveiled the first tranche of cuts totalling over £6bn ahead of a comprehensive spending review and planned Emergency Budget aimed at bringing down the UK's £154bn debt mountain.

In support of the measures, Buckingham Palace confirmed that the Queen's Speech today would be the first to implement its own cost-cutting measures. A spokesman said, "Her Majesty understands and recognises the national need to cut costs across the board, and is pleased to make her own gestures as part of this."

Under the new 'Austerity Speech', Her Majesty will make the following changes:

The Queen will eschew the usual State Coach, instead travelling to Parliament on a National Express one;

The usual outriders from the Life Guards will be replaced by out-of-work 'Baywatch' extras;

Instead of the Crown, Orb and Sceptre of state - which will all be sold on eBay, Her Majesty will instead wear a baseball cap and carry an England football and a 'tickling stick' kindly loaned to the Palace by Ken Dodd;

Black Rod is to be made redundant, and the Commons doors traditionally slammed in his face will have a doorbell fitted.

The Diary's Royal Correspondent understands that further money-saving measures will be announced in future. However, the Palace confirmed that following a poor initial result, they will no longer be trying to auction off Prince Andrew.

The measures were welcomed by Prime Minister and conjoined twins Davick Camerclegg, who said in unison, "we are delighted that the Royal Family are supporting the Government as we try, desperately and probably in vain, to stem the fiscal haemorrhage started by Labour."

However, the announcement was met with outrage from the TUC and other ~~pinko idiots~~ trades union spokesmen. TUC General Secretary Brendan Bruvvers attacked the move, saying that it was 'just another example of money being taken out of the public sector', and called for a ballot on strike action by the Royal Family.

Rumours that HRH Prince Philip will be doing Bernard Manning impressions to raise extra cash remain unconfirmed.

Artificial Life Creator Denies 'Playing God'

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 21 May 2010 11:03:00 +0000

Dr Venter presents his scientific research paper.

The creator of the first ever 'synthetic cell', described as a 'landmark' by one British expert, has strongly denied suggestions that he is 'playing God'.

Dr J Craig Venter, an American ~~mad~~ scientist, breathed life into a bacterium using genes assembled in a laboratory. Reports that lightning, insane laughter and terrified local womenfolk were also involved remain unconfirmed.

Speaking from a mountaintop wearing what he deemed his 'special scientific robes' Dr Venter, who has grown a beard since creating Life, said, "I am not playing God. This is the next stage in our understanding, it is a baby step in our understanding of how life fundamentally works and maybe how we can get some new handles on how I can, as a Creator, control you puny microbial systems to benefit humanity. For I am not playing God - I AM God Praise me. PRAISE ME!"

So far Dr Venter, who is to change his name to He Who Giveth Life, has only created single bacteria in his experiments. However, he has insisted that he should be in a position to dominate the globe with massed ranks of genetically identical synthetic proto-humans by mid-June.

He, who recently renamed his laboratory the Yahweh Institute in honour of his newly-established Deity status, dismissed concerns that there was a danger of the technology being misused, and insisted that only He would have total and unrestrained control over nature, supported by his cloned army of synthetic humanoids.

Services of worship to the new Creator will be held across the globe on Sundays. The Pope is reported to have said that he, for one, welcomed our new synthetic overlords.

However, his assertions have been challenged by the watchdog group Human Genetics Alert. David King, the Director of HGA, said that his organisation would be conducting a demonstration outside the Yahweh Institute shortly, but refused to confirm whether pitchforks and flaming torches would be provided.

Union Warns of Strike Action over Coalition Government

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 20 May 2010 14:17:00 +0000

Bloggers: Cameron coalition "far too sensible."

A prominent journalist union has announced that it is to ballot its members on strike action, in protest at the decisions and actions of the new Conservative & Liberal Democrat Coalition Government.

The Association of Raggers, Satirists, Entertainers and Scribblers are unhappy that the coalition Government, which came into power last Tuesday, has so far not done anything stupid enough to ridicule.

ARSES spokesman Dun Geekin said, "I know we've been spoiled by Labour's cretinous decision-making over the last thirteen years, but this sensibility is, quite frankly, literally beyond a joke. It's one thing having a honeymoon period, but normally in this sort of timescale we could expect Labour to have announced at least three ill-considered and unfunded crackpot schemes for us to take the piss out of.

"We thought there would be enough clowns in the new Government to be going on with - I mean, even Bozo the Cable's got a Cabinet post - but this lot is being far too sensible. All we've got right now is the Labour leadership contest, and it's getting ever more difficult to lampoon a political party that's a parody of itself and is thinking of appointing a banana-wielding village idiot as a Leader."

ARSES is calling on the Government to appoint a temporary Chief Idiot to the Cabinet, whose responsibility it would be to propound, and subsequently defend, stupid policies which bloggers could then deride. However, the spokesman insisted, "this role would only be needed until the Government was fully constituted and established. By that point we would expect them to have returned to the normal levels of idiocy we expect from our Leadership."

Rumours that former PM Gordon 'Colostomy' Brown may make a shock return to the Cabinet to fill the post demanded by ARSES remain unconfirmed. However, Labour MP Ed Balls has indicated that he would be interested in standing for the position, stating that his history of promoting absolute arrant bollocks makes him ideal for the Chief Idiot place.

Mr Geekin said that the results of a ballot on strike action would be expected shortly, once Bloggers could be persuaded to stop their usual intercenine ad-hominem battles and actually vote. However, he warned, "this is a serious matter. If our demands are not met, we will be forced to stop castigating Government actions and instead make stuff up. And we don't want to do that, because the mainstream media already do."

Appeal Court Reverses BA Strike Ban

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 20 May 2010 10:27:00 +0000

Derek Simpson: "I'm alright, I always fly Virgin Business Class."

The trade union Unite were celebrating today after the Court of Appeal reversed a High Court injunction against strike action in their ongoing dispute with British Airways.

The Diary's legal correspondent reports that the Court of Appeal reversed the injunction on a 2:1 majority decision. The result paves the way for planned cabin crew strikes to take place over a number of coming weeks.

Strike action had been briefly averted on Monday by the injunction, which had ruled the ballot unlawful due to a technicality involving eleven spoiled ballot papers. However, the Court of Appeal decided that the ballot itself had been lawful, and that the technical failings were insufficient to rule the strike unlawful.

Unite General Secretary Derek Simpleton said, "this is a triumfant day, bruvvers. The original decision found struck at the 'eart of trades union democracy, meaning that we would 'ave to run ballots properly and technically rather than just downin' tools. Bruvvers.

"The decision by the Court of Appeal means we can return to our democratically-expressed wishes of putting our members out of work by forcing a national-flag airline, which already pays more than the average, into bankruptcy. Negotiations with BA continue but we look forward to our members spending time standing round braziers wearing donkey jackets, as is their democratic right, instead of facing commercial realities. Bruvvers."

A spokesman for British Airways, speaking on behalf of Chief Executive Willie Walsh, said, "we're fucked. Bye."

EXCLUSIVE: Jacqui Smith - Life After Politics

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 20 May 2010 08:27:00 +0000

The former Home Secretary, hard at work in her new career.

Former Home Secretary Jacqui Beria has spoken movingly to The Diary of her struggle to adapt to life after politics following her defeat in the General Election on 6 May.

"I'm out of a job, like lots of people in this country at the moment - not that that's anything to do with me at all, honest", she told The Diary in a frank first interview since losing her Redditch seat to the Conservative candidate Karen Lumley.

The former Home Secretary, who lost her seat following the expenses scandal when it became clear that she'd claimed everything from porn to bathplugs on expenses, added, "it's a real struggle, and it makes me comprehend what the people of the UK are going through. All I have to survive on is my resettlement payment, my Ministerial pension and the vast amounts of money I saved over the years by getting the Proles to pay for everything.

"It's put stress on my marriage too. Poor Richard has been reduced to wanking over second-grade free porn sites now, instead of first-class taxpayer-funded filth. It's hardly fair, when I did so much for this country."

Ms Smith refused to rule out a return to politics at some time in the future, but said that she currently has no plans to remain in the political scene, instead choosing a career where she can use her 'skills and experience to best effect'.

The former Home Secretary said, "I'm considering my options, and with my history and record have a number of choices. There are negotiations ongoing for me to take on the role of Civil Liberties Minister in North Korea, and of course I'm waiting for my application to be considered to be a CCTV operator for Redditch Council."

However, sources close to Ms Smith have said that her most likely next role, given her looks and abilities, is truffle-hunting for a Normandy farmer.

Betting Opens for 'Creepy-Crawly Racing'

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 17 May 2010 13:24:00 +0000

One of the competing Millipedes shows its competitive diet.

The UK Labour Party are to run a series of creepy-crawly races in Britain for the first time in 16 years, according to Millbank sources.

Creepy-crawly racing has not been seen in the UK since 1994, when a louse beat a dung-beetle and a horsefly in a one-sided contest. Races between loathsome creatures were subsequently banned, as it seemed the outcome tended to lead to damage to the country.

However, with the retirement of former champion gastropod Gordon Brown, Labour are to run a one-off Hurdles event later this year and have recently opened their entry lists.

The first runners for the 2010 Hopeless Case Steeplechase include two millipedes, both from the same stable though with different training approaches.

Betting pundit John McCririck said, "we've seen a lot of interest from the punters on the millipede entries. At the moment the smart money is on the older of the two - its recent diet of bananas should give it the legs in the long run. But don't underestimate the other one either, it's historically had plenty of energy and is a good outsider at a Burlington for a dark-horse win. Even though it's a millipede, not a horse. Obviously."

Other entrants are yet to declare, but there is some interest from the bookmakers on a female Black Widow, and an outside chance of a possible late-entrant leech, bred from a long-running stable of successful parasites.

However, there are still questions over the expected entry of Ed Balls to the race. While not technically a member of the animal kingdom, Balls is expected to enter the Hopeless Case Steeplechase on a technicality, in that he's a spineless invertebrate that most people would like the chance to squash.

Chancellor Orders Urgent Fiscal Review

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 17 May 2010 11:27:00 +0000

Chancellor George Osborne ponders the profit margins in selling David Laws to medical science.

Chancellor George Osborne has ordered an immediate financial review, ahead of the new Coalition Government's first emergency Budget on 22 June.

In a memorandum sent to all Government departments, the Chancellor has urged 'a long hard look' to determine precisely what cuts will need to be made, and just how completely skint the country is, amidst fears that the previous Government were employing the little-known ecomonic theory of 'fantasy accounting' to report and calculate the UK's economy.

In the memo, exclusively obtained by The Diary, Mr Osborne says, "we must do all we can to find any money that might be left. Check all drawers and filing cabinets, and pull out the cushions from sofas in Departmental break-out areas. Don't forget to check under the floor-mats of Ministerial cars. There's GOT to be some cash, somewhere. Except in the Treasury, of course."

Rumours that all former Ministers are to be recalled to their offices, held upside down and shaken until change falls from their pockets remain unconfirmed.

The Chancellor is also to introduce a new Office of Budget Regeneration, which will be tasked with actually getting hold of what little cash is left in the UK and using it to pay down the National Debt. While full plans for cost-cutting have not yet been published, initial suggestions include the sale of all Ministerial vehicles to webuyanycar.com, and the creation of a 'Budget Cleanup Team' who will wash windscreens at Westminster traffic lights for spare change from drivers.

Following reports in The Times that the outgoing Labour Government pursued a 'scorched earth' policy leaving billions of previously hidden debts, making the UK's fiscal situation even worse than previously believed, the new OBR is also to research a new 'stocks based' approach to Budget regeneration, whereby former Labour Ministers will be placed in pillories around the country and members of the public invited to throw eggs and rotten fruit at the profligate scumbags. Conservative estimates put the revenue from this potential stream at close to £10bn - a figure that could well be doubled if the bankrupted Electorate were permitted to throw half-bricks instead.