The Diary of a Geek in Oxfordshire

Hate Crime

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Sun, 23 Aug 2015 19:15:00 +0000

Image from PinkNews

News reaches the Towers that yet another pressure group has defined yet another thing as a 'hate crime', and that the Police (despite not having the resources to investigate murders or somesuch) are, of course, investigating.

This begs a simple question - What else must be banned?

What else do we ban because some pressure group or other deems, no matter how much of a stretch it might be, that something is somehow derogatory?

Equality is supposed to mean just that. Equal treatment, which includes sometimes seeing things that (whether related to you or not) may not present something you feel is 100% positive.

This was nothing - nothing at all - to do with transgender equality, and everything to do with a demand for publicity and special treatment.

So fine - let's ban the pantomime dames too because they apparently offend a small subsection of a minority. Let's also ban the 'Principal Boy' from pantomimes because that's both insulting to FTM transgender people, of course, as well as (no doubt) cultural appropriation. In fact, let's ban fancy dress altogether lest it offend someone. Let's also ban all forms of drama - I mean, Sarah Bernhardt and Maxine Peake both played Hamlet.

Best ban Pride, too - sometimes there are drag artistes or men dressing in a manner which may be construed as appropriating transgender culture.

For certain we had best bow to the pressure from the book-burning brigade and remove Mark Twain from libraries . My 1901 copy of the 'Imperial Dictionary of the English Language'? Racist in tooth and claw. Onto the bonfire of offensiveness. Shakespeare too - after all, there was cross-dressing in 'Comedy of Errors' and 'Twelfth Night'. And Falstaff would probably be triggering to recovering alcoholics anyway.

In fact, best ban all forms of speech and communication just to be sure. You never know who might be offended by something, and it's better to be safe than jailed.

When did 'equality' become "you can't say or do anything lest it potentially offend someone"? When did equality become 'special treatment'?

Best not show 'Married with Children' - it is stereotyping and offensive to middle-aged shoe salesmen with two children. And any British sitcom prior to 1980 would probably be grounds for the arrest of the writers.

It's bollocks, quite frankly - the whole fucking lot of it. We've gone from people justifiably asking for equality of rights to an ever-more sliced world of people demanding special treatment, even when it doesn't even have anything to DO with them, and screaming the nebulous 'hate crime' canard when they don't get put on a pedestal.

Hate crime is the poor bastard being thrown off a building by ISIS for loving someone of the same sex, or being beaten in the street for being transgender, or being tossed out of your job for your religious beliefs. It is NOT a completely unrelated CHARITY running a fun-run in the theme of a hundred-year-old theatrical tradition, and for pressure groups to even imply that it has any validity demeans the genuine hate, violence and discrimination that people have suffered in search of equality over the years.

On Jeremy Corbyn

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 21 Aug 2015 10:39:00 +0000

Aaaah, look at all the loonie lefties,

Jeremy Corbyn

Picks up the reins of the mess where once Labour had been,

With Socialist dreams,

Thinks there's a window,

To bring back the strikes and the carnage of forty years yore,

Which we want no more

All the loony lefties

Are cheering for this prong,

All the loonie lefties

How could they be so wrong?

Fans screaming 'Tory',

Spouting abuse at the facts that they don't want to hear,

Claim zionist smears,

Full of class envy,

Punishing work and ambition and calling it 'fair',

Hasn't a prayer,

All the loony lefties

Are cheering for this prong,

All the loonie lefties

How could they be so wrong?

Aaaah, look at all the loonie lefties,

Jeremy Corbyn

Takes Labour out of Election contention again,

Won't be a shame,
This silly frenzy,
Causes a split that will put Labour down in its grave,
It's not fit to save,

All the loony lefties

Are cheering for this prong,

All the loonie lefties

How could they be so wrong?

Cameron Is Sending in the Jackbooted Fascist Thugs

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 15 May 2015 16:06:00 +0000

....which headline is a direct quote from this article.

The other day I wrote about soundbites, and how they can be divisive and misleading, drawing you away from the truth of something towards the impression the user wants to convey.

And clearly politicos and journalists aren't listening to me, because they're using exactly the same methodology to try and convince people that the NASTY EVIL TORIES are coming to TAKE AWAY YOUR FREEDOMS AND RIGHTS.

The quote in question, currently being wailed throughout a lobby that have suddenly become devoutly pro-freedoms despite trying to introduce ID Cards, a DNA Database, 90-day detention without charge, Control Orders) is this:

“For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens: as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone."

Oh. My. God....

Cameron is sending in the jackbooted fascist thugs to stop us from criticising the NASTY EVIL TORIES over our organic morning granola!

Hmmm.

Let's have a look at a bit more of the quote and see if it says the same.

“For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens: as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone. It’s often meant we have stood neutral between different values. And that’s helped foster a narrative of extremism and grievance.

“This Government will conclusively turn the page on this failed approach. As the party of one nation, we will govern as one nation, and bring our country together. That means actively promoting certain values. Freedom of speech. Freedom of worship. Democracy. The rule of law. Equal rights regardless of race, gender or sexuality."(emphasis mine)

Wow, that looks a bit different, doesn't it? A bit less Mein Kampf?

The legislation itself hasn't been finalised yet and I'm not saying it's going to be good law - we've seen before how well-meaning legislation can be misused - but sources indicate that decisions on what constitutes extremism won't be lying with politicians either, but with the High Court. The point is we don't know yet, and journalists are using a selected quotation to drive traffic and whip up opinion without knowing either.

Cameron's speechwriters and spinners really need to have their heads banged against a desk for coming up with such a stupidly spinnable headline, but that's only half of it.

We need to read more. Rather than blithely assuming that the headline writers are giving us the facts, we need to recognise that they're steering our interpretation the way they want to.

Read more. Read multiple sources. But most of all, read past the apparent money quote.

Because this one was rather different to the headline, and many others are too.

Labour Leadership Campaign: Staggerers and Fallers

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 13 May 2015 21:04:00 +0000

So today brought us news that in the 'rats in a sack' race that is the 'Labour Leadership' election, we have two new runners - Andy Burnham, and Yvette ~~Balls~~ Cooper. Well, that's a challenge of all the talents there.

But in the spirit of political blogging, one has to assess the chances of the various contenders and their chances for capturing the 100-odd seats (an 11% swing) from the Tories they would need to win back power in 2020.

Andy Burnham:
Leaving aside that increased media appearances would pay off the national debt in mascara purchases, prepare yourselves for five years of Conservatives screaming, "Mid Staffs!". And quite rightly. Guaranteed to lose the election for Labour.

Chuka Umunna:
Privately-educated son and grandson of lawyers, member of the Metropolitan elite who wears beautiful bespoke suits. Reportedly briefed by Mandelson, which will ensure the hard-Left loathe him. Guaranteed to alienate whatever is left of Labour's non-metropolitan elite core vote. Guaranteed to lose the election for Labour.

Yvette Cooper:
Two words: Ed Balls. Guaranteed to lose the election for Labour.

Tristram Hunt:
Five years of THAT rhyming slang? Guaranteed to lose the election for Labour.

The other one:
Labour's real-life answer to Nicola Murray. I'm a politics geek, and I've never heard of her. Guaranteed to lose the election for Labour.

So let's be completely realistic. Nobody has a realistic chance of bringing Labour back from the wilderness in 2020, and they wouldn't have one even if they weren't engaged in an internal schism between deserting their ideological roots and deserting their funding.

So with a field of incompetent attention whores and nonentities campaigning for the leadership of a party in its death throes, it's really going to come down to the usual Labour Party leader selection method.

Who Dave Prentis and Len McCluskey want.

So it'll be Burnham, and that's perfect.

For the Conservatives.

Guess Who's Back...

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 11 May 2015 18:39:00 +0000

So today brings the news that having resigned on Friday morning, UKIP's Nigel Farage has this afternoon un-resigned. Apparently he's so awesome that UKIP can't do without him.

This puts a song in my heart....

Nigel Farage: Without Me

"Nigel Farage/Real Name No Gimmicks"

two illegal immigrants go 'round the outside, 'round the outside, 'round the outside
two illegal immigrants go 'round the outside, 'round the outside, 'round the outside

Guess who's back, back again
Nigel's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back,
guess who's back,
guess who's back,
guess who's back
guess who's back
Guess who's back...

I've created a monster
Cause nobody wants Suzanne Evans no more, they want Nigel as their Leader,
Well if you want Nigel this is what I'll give ya
A bit of BNP mixed with a Mail reader,
A charter that'll jumpstart the left quicker than the shock when I claim we'll shut the hospitals coz the doctor really can't be operating,
As his latest visa status is complicated,

I raged at the Beeb in my debating,
Now I'm back, the Guardian can start the hating,
I know that I piss you off, Miss Penny, but the voters thought that I was entertaining,
So the NEC won't let me be or let me be free so let me see
I tried to quit my job on live TV but UKIP is useless without me!
So come UKIP, we took a hit but fuck that,
Throw out the Nips and rage at the Gyps and get ready,
We've still a chance in 2020
To send darkies back to their roots. FUCK YOU POLLY!

[Chorus 2x:]
Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me
'Cause we need a little controversy,
'Cause UKIP is useless without me!

Romanians, an EU rebellion,
(While still claiming my wad of expenses),
I lost Thanet and fucked it for Reckless,
And my supporters claim it was an MI5 stitch,
I'm visionary, saner than Godfrey, could start a revolution, polluting the air waves, a rebel,
So just let me revel and bask, in the fact that that UKIPs NEC is kissing my ass
And it's a disaster such a catastrophe for you to see that I resigned cause I got one MP?
Well I'm back
[batman sound]
Fixed the committee I'm back and now I'm gonna
Enter in and back on your TV like a splinter,
The centre of attention, claim I'm a winner
I'm interesting, rant about foreigners nesting,
Infesting in all our towns and working,
Testing "Attention Please" feel the Left wince soon as someone mentions me,
Doesn't matter I have one MP,
Cause UKIP is really about ME!

[Chorus 2x:]
Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me
'Cause we need a little controversy,
'Cause UKIP is useless without me!

So vote UKIP, if you're really batshit, anybody who thinks the EU is shit,
Doesn't matter that I got my ass kicked,
Worse than those lefty Green Party bastards, and Tories?
Never forget you owe me, I shafted Labour's core vote so blow me,
And you know me, I'll never let UKIP go it's not over, don't listen to Manuel Barroso,

Now let's go, just give me the signal I'll be there with a whole list full of new insults,
You all know, and it's quite fundamental,
My need for publicity is really essential,
But sometimes the shit just seems, that the BBC wants to discuss me,
That's just because I'm disgusting, my policies are just obscene,
Though I'm not the first king of controversy,
I am the worst thing since Oswald Moseley, to do racism so selfishly,
And use it to get myself wealthy,
Hey! There's a concept that works
4 million idiots believed my words,
But no matter how many times you reject me, UKIP is useless without ME!

Chorus 2x:]
Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me
'Cause we need a little controversy,
'Cause UKIP is useless without me!

(Hum dei dei la la Hum dei dei la la... la la la) [2x]
"Kids"

(with apologies to Eminem)

It's the Ideology, Stupid

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 11 May 2015 10:15:00 +0000

There's a reshuffle under way as David Cameron constitutes his first majority Cabinet, but if you listen to Radio 4 or watch the news you wouldn't hear about it, as all the discussion is about the future of the Labour Party.

And I guess that makes sense, because they'll have 5 years to talk about the Government and the Labour leadership is going to be far more dramatic in the short term.

As all the analysis, navel-gazing and careful positioning of potential candidates so far shows, what we're seeing is a massive ideological schism within the Labour Party. Back in the 90's, the big discussion was on the Conservative side, with people talking about a 'divided party' on Europe. And it was certainly a problem - but the challenge facing the Labour Party is much greater. It's not a single issue, it's their entirely ideology and positioning.

Labour are broken between social democrat-esque 'New Labour' and old-school socialist 'Old Labour', compounded by a terror of being off message and massive pressure from the Unions, and unable to hear past the echo chamber of press and punditry they built around themselves to insulate them from public opinion.

Then you have Tony Blair, his grinning visage looming over the worried Party faithful as a reminder that electoral success doesn't sit well with a political position rejected by the Electorate since 1979.

Old Labour detests personal aspiration, wealth and success, preferring instead nationalisation and redistribution at the behest of the Unions*. It has historically seen its opponents as "lower than vermin", and we've seen this same attitude in the 2015 campaign. It failed. Yet the call from most is to move further left, couching hard-core socialism in the vapid euphemism of 'progressive'.

New Labour, campaigning on a softer centre-Left platform without the hatred of 'the rich' etc, would clearly be more palatable to the Electorate. But not to the Unions, and not to those within the Party who believe that ideological purity is the only thing that matters.

And then there's Tony Blair. And I think it's arguable that Labour hate Tony Blair a lot more than they like winning elections.

So they're faced with an insurmountable problem - admit that Tony was right, risk abandoning the Unions and old-school Socialism - and thus the bulk of their funding - and move back to the centre? Or keep the Unions, keep the money and keep the Red Flag flying?

My money is on the latter. The Unions carry so much sway (as we saw with the election of Ed Miliband over his brother), and their money is so important, that Labour will end up with a leader who makes Ed look like Lady Thatcher. The Blairite element - what's left of it - will end up splitting off and either joining the Liberal Democrats or forming a split-off Centre Left party as happened with the SDP, which will then end up merged with the Lib Dems anyway.

So the likely outcome? An unelectable hard-left Labour Party, hankering back to the Winter of Discontent, British Leyland and wildcat strikes, stuck in the wilderness - and a deservedly resurgent Liberal Democrats, arguing from a sensible (and popular) centrist position.

And that is a consummation devoutly to be wished.

*who, of course, are bang alongside their own personal wealth. Four legs good, two legs better.

Soundbites make Hate

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Sun, 10 May 2015 20:04:00 +0000

Normally by this point after a General Election, we'd be seeing the Internet returning to normal sanity levels, with the return of the usual banalities and cat videos. Obviously this one's been slightly different with three Leader resignations so far* (plus Harriet Harman) and the speculation about the next Labour Leader, whether we'll have New New Labour or New Old Labour etc etc...

And yet it hasn't calmed down. Quite the opposite, in fact.

In the short span of hours since the Prime Minister went to the Palace, we've had outraged screams that the Election result wasn't proportional AND ITS'NOT FAIR!!! (conveniently ignoring that Tony Blair won the 2005 General Election on a lower vote share of a lower turnout). We've seen excrement smeared on the constituency office of a Conservative MP, the scrawling of 'Fuck Tory Scum' on war memorial, and so much outrage from the Left that some have insulted their own customers and even (apparently) respected University professors have spoken of their refusal to associate with friends who voted Conservative or UKIP.

Hatred. For having a different opinion as to how the issues of the day might be dealt with.

Hatred.

Think about that for a second.

It would be easy to take that hatred to its illogical conclusion - and I will, in another post. But for now I want to look at one of the things I believe is responsible for this swelling of hatred in politics, and explore it a little. And it's soundbites.

More than ever before, the 2015 Election campaign was fought on social media, on Facebook and Twitter, and in the hyperspeed world of the Internet and 24-hour news cycles. This led to ever-shortening windows to get a message across, and a reduced attention span - ten words of a headline, 140 characters of a Tweet, to hammer a message home. And the soundbites the Left chose were those of hatred, division and class war - all the while knowing that their message was false.

A few of the choicest:

"24 Hours to Save the NHS"/"Tories Privatising the NHS"/"NHS Sold to Dave's Rich Chums"/"Can't run the NHS on an IOU"
All repeated constantly, all utter bollocks. NHS under threat from the Tories? Did that one yesterday. Privatisation of the NHS? Deliberately misleading, conflating outsourcing with privatisation, and debunked by the King's Trust. Sold to Dave's chums? Class-war bullshit and not only untrue, but there are plenty of well-connected Labour peers doing quite nicely from outsourcing too.

"Posh Tories"/"Out of Touch Toffs"/"Tory Tax Dodgers"
David Cameron went to Eton. John Major came up from a Brixton estate. Ed Miliband went to the same primary school as Boris Johnson, Harriet Harman to St Paul's. Chuka Umuna has property in London and Ibiza, Margaret Hodge is part of the Oppenheimer clan (and they're both tax avoiders). Laurie Penny went to a private school (on a scholarship, the same way Boris Johnson went to Eton), Owen Jones to Oxford, Polly Toynbee owns a villa in Tuscany and works for a media group that is exceptionally skilled at minimising its tax liability.

"Tax cuts for Millionaires"/"Tories the Party of Millionaires"/"More for the rich, less for the poor"
Labour were in power for 156 months 5 days. The 50% rate of tax on salaries over £150k was implemented on April 6 2010 - 155 months 5 days after Labour took office. Yet when it was cut to 45% Labour claimed that was a cut for Dave's chums - which was not true. It increased the tax take from that income group. The 'rich' now pay 30% more than they did before. The increased personal allowance and other changes have reduced tax on the lowest earners and increased the take from the highest. Ed Miliband, Margaret Hodge, Tony Blair, Shaun Woodward, Harriet Harman, Michael Meacher and Hilary Benn are all asset millionaires.

Why is this bad? Because too many people only read the headlines, only hear the soundbite. They don't check, especially if the soundbite in question gels with their political leanings or what they would like to believe. So the soundbite builds the belief, and depersonalises the opposition, and then you've Labour hashtag campaigns like #neverkissedatory and before you know it you've people on Twitter calling for Conservatives to be shot.

The reality is out there. I'm on the right, you may be on the left, the truth may be somewhere in the middle. But it won't be found by believing only the headline or the Twitter timeline of people in your own political echo chamber. While we seem to be losing trust in politicians, at the same time we seem to have lost the ability to think for ourselves, and to go and search for the truth behind the spin. It's something that allows politicians to play on division, foster hate - and it makes us all just a little more stupid.

Right or Left, we all actually want the best for the UK. We have different ways of getting there, different ideologies that influence that thinking, different personal circumstances. We must argue, we must debate - but we must also be open to the ideas of other ideologies and basing our thinking on the soundbites, rather than the facts themselves, leads to what we've seen now - division, hatred and the refusal to accept that anything other than your own groupthink is correct.

The end result of that is not pleasant - to take it to its illogical extremes, you end up with the English Civil War or the Soviet Union. I'm sure that none of us really want either of those options** or the terrible outcomes that would result.

Stop hating each other for thinking differently, start reading more than the headlines.

*And Jim Murphy, if Unite get their way...
** Except Owen Jones, who thinks Venezuela and Cuba are way cool.

Prime Minister Announces Radical New Unemployment Policy

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Sat, 09 May 2015 15:31:00 +0000

Newly-elected Prime Minister David Cameron has today announced 'a new and radical approach' for his new Government to face the challenges of a wholly new political landscape following the unexpected success of the Conservatives in Thursday's General Election.

Mr Cameron, who was returned to Downing Street with a majority of 12 and a 100-seat advantage over the Labour Party, spoke of the need to 'finish the job' he had started in Coalition with the Liberal Democrats in 2010.

Mr Cameron said, "it's vital that we act in good faith to address the issues raised from this General Election. We have seen an unprecedented result from Scotland in the rise of the Scottish National Party, and it is right that we acknowledge that and find a way to address their legitimate issues going forward. But that is not the only issue that this Government must continue to work on. Unemployment is still an important challenge, and this is especially true in two key areas - Scotland and the Labour Party. This administration will make it an absolute priority to deal with both."

Speaking movingly of his admiration for Herbert Hoover's 'New Deal', which brought America out of the Great Depression in the 1930s, Mr Cummberbund said, "we need major infrastructure projects to create employment, to help Scotland and England at the same time. It is vital that we act now to build momentum, and I am pleased to announce that my Employment Plan for Scotland will be starting immediately."

Under the terms of the Employment Plan, all former Labour and Liberal Democrat MPs, now unemployed, will be moved to new taxpayer-funded accomodation in Scotland, where they will be engaged on a new project to chisel through the Earth's crust just south of Gretna. Project finance will be handed by Ed Balls, and consultations are under way to appoint Owen Jones and Laurie Penny as on-site Public Relations Officers.

Mr Cameron said, "This is a major project but one that will both resolve the Labour unemployment crisis and answer the wishes of the Scottish people. Upon completion, the newly-separated Scotland will simply float away, granting the jocks their independence without a third-world Socialist country attached to us and, at the same time, get rid of a bunch of lefties. Good stuff."

Anyone suffering from uncontrollable wailing and gnashing of teeth as a result of the election of a Conservative Government is invited to join the project team, and will be guaranteed a place.
Reports that Russell Brand has been engaged to entertain the workforce remain unconfirmed.

Ed Miliband was unavailable for comment.

NHS? DFS

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Sat, 09 May 2015 10:54:00 +0000

2015 Labour NHS poster

After an astonishing, unprecedented Election night and an equally unprecedented Friday morning, there's now a great deal of navel-gazing and outraged squeaking from those of a leftish persuasion about how and why the Election was lost, how they were robbed by Murdoch, victims of a stupid/evil Electorate*, denied by an unfair voting system**, let down by Ed Miliband, weren't left-wing enough.... choose your reason.

The bulk of the outraged squeaks in the echo chambers of social media are, of course, about the 'death of the NHS'. From the wailing and gnashing of sandals, you would fully expect to see all hospitals turned into luxury hotels by next Tuesday, with top-hatted doormen herding the sick into giant plague pits to decompose, at which point they can be used to mulch the country estates of the 1%.

@canutescanoe why is that an idiot statement tories hate the NHS and didn't want a minimum wage , they would rejoice if workhouses returned
— Duncan Birss (@DuncanBirss) May 7, 2015

Hmmm. Maybe reports of the NHS's death are perhaps exaggerated? Let's have a quick look behind the screaming and the soundbites.

1948 NHS poster

Every single Labour Election Manifesto from every single General Election, from 1959 to 2015, has claimed - that the NHS and its principle is under threat from the Conservatives. Every single one.

1966: The review we have undertaken of the much publicisedConservative Hospital Plan has confirmed our worst suspicions.The money they allocated was utterly inadequate to carry out thePlan, and to provide the new and modernised hospitals we so urgentlyneed.

1970: The greatest single achievement of the post-war Labour Governmentwas its creation of the best universal social security systemand the first comprehensive health service in the world. The greatestsingle condemnation of Tory rule was the appalling neglect ofthis social programme.

1974: Labour created the National Health Service and is determined to defend it. Immense damage has been done to it by Tory cuts in public expenditure, by the Tory Government's policy or rigid pay control and by the upheaval of Tory reorganisation on undemocratic lines.

1979: We reject Tory plans to create two health services: one for the rich, financed by private insurance with a second-class service for the rest of us.

1983: The creation of the National Health Service ...now faces a double threat from the Tories: a lack of resources for decent health care; and the active encouragement of private practice. Labour will act to defend the basic principles of the service. We will ensure that it is free at the point of use and funded out of taxation, and that priority depends on medical need not ability to pay.

1987: Labour's proudest achievement is the creation of the NationalHealth Service. The Conservatives voted against it then. All who use and value the service know only too well how it has been neglectedand downgraded by today's Tories.

1992: Labour will stop the privatisation of the NHS and return opted-outhospitals and other services to the local NHS. We will halt thecommercial market which is creating a two-tier health service.

1997: Labour created the NHS 50 years ago. It is under threat from theConservatives. We want to save and modernise the NHS.But if theConservatives are elected again there may well not be an NHS infive years' time - neither national nor comprehensive.

2001: In social policy their renewed commitment to cuts and privatisation and to withdrawing the support helping to heal social division, is just a throwback to the 1980s.

2005: Today’s Conservatives want to do what not even Margaret Thatcher would countenance – introducing charges for hospital operations so that those who can afford to pay thousands ofpounds can push ahead of those who cannot.

2010: The Tories will not introduce the necessary reforms, would fail to guarantee access to services, usher in a care postcode lottery, and put the interests of patients second.

2015: Our NHS, care services, schools, colleges and other public services make up the essential fabric of our society. People need them to be able to live secure and fulfilling lives. Britain needs them if we are to succeed as a country. But under the Conservatives they are under threat.

Under Lady Thatcher, the Conservatives had sufficient of a majority to push for full NHS privatisation at a time when it would have been popular to do so during a surge of privatisation and share ownership. They chose not to do so.

The principle of a Health Service free at the point of use has never actually been threatened. The means and costs of that Health Service have been questioned as well as its quality of service, and rightly so (but that's a discussion for another post).

It's understandable that Labour have wanted to keep the NHS front of mind - when first created it was an amazing thing - but they seem trapped in a cycle of using the same message, whether accurate or not, and people who look past the soundbite start to notice. And they remember that you said the same thing 5 years ago, and 5 years before that, and 5 years before that. And they start to realise that you just might be crying wolf.

For over 60 years, Labour have warned that the Tories will dismantle the NHS, and for 60 years they haven't. The constant cries that the NHS is under threat of privatisation or destruction have become as meaningful as the strident announcements of the latest sale from DFS.

*Yes, the Grauniad did actually say that.

**Conveniently ignoring that Blair won the '05 General Election on a lower vote share of a lower turnout - in fact, the lowest popular vote share in history.

Think It Doesn't Matter? You're Wrong.

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 06 May 2015 17:54:00 +0000

You're wrong.

If you think that there's no difference, if you think that "they're all the same", if you think that your vote doesn't matter - you're wrong.

This General Election has sadly been reduced by all parties to a cacophony of soundbites, gimmicks and platitudes, the issues and policies lost in a welter of hashtags, ad-hominem attacks, lies, and 'celebrity' endorsements. And in doing so the electorate have come to believe that they're all the same, that nothing will change.

Wrong.

Whether or not you agree with it, Ed Miliband has taken the Labour Party leftward, meaning that there's a wider ideological split between the two mainstream parties than there's been for 20 years. Throw in the rise of the SNP, the catastrophic decline of the Lib Dems and the increased weight of the minor parties, and suddenly you have everything from proto-Fascism in UKIP to comedy agrarian Communism in the Greeens, and all of them can actually have a meaningful impact on the outcome

There are issues out there, the issues matter to us all, and the methods of addressing those issues vary wildly across all the parties. There is a difference. They're not all the same.

Then, for added drama, throw in the closeness of the contest. With Labour facing wipeout in Scotland and the loss of the skew that has historically granted them, this is a closer race than we've had in years. In fact, it's neck-and-neck:

So your vote matters. Every seat will matter, from safe to marginal. Crawley turned on 37 votes in 2005. Your vote (postal vote fraud notwithstanding) may be the difference between the party you support winning or losing and, at a national level, the Government you wanted. Or not.

So your vote does matter. You can be the difference.

Finally, we have the Constitutional element. We are likely to see another Hung Parliament, but this time no major party has enough seats, on current polling, to hit the magic 323-seat target with just one other party. There's nothing stable out there:

So whoever has the most seats Friday morning has to negotiate a (three-way) Coalition, then has to pass a Queen's Speech through a tight Commons - and if they don't, the whole lot collapses and...well, and what? Nobody is quite sure. The Cabinet Manual and precedent don't really cover this possibility - yet it's a real possibility. Very real.

So it doesn't matter?

Tax. Economy. Immigration. Welfare. Massive differences in approach. Seats so close even the bookies won't call them. An Election so close the bookies can't call it, and a possible Constitutional crisis to top it all off.

Think it doesn't matter? You're wrong. This shit matters, and it matters not just on a national level but in your town, in your home and in your paycheque.

Your vote - everyone's vote - matters this time around. Red, Blue, Yellow, Purple, Green - every single vote in every single constituency* will matter. This is, in many ways, the most important and exciting General Election in a generation. It matters.

It matters. Please, whatever the colour of your rosette, get out there tomorrow and vote.

*except Bradford West, of course.

On Postal Votes and Dying Democracy

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 06 May 2015 14:32:00 +0000

No, I'm not talking about the dumbed-down situation we've reached where the issues are far less important than the profile of whichever vacuous, hypocritical, past-it scumbag endorses you.

I'm talking about this, by Ben Judah in 'Politico':

“It would take me much longer than I’ve got to explain biraderi politics in Bradford, clan-based politics, and people actually do deliver 20, 30, 50 votes. Through their extended families, what tends to happen is, the kind of head of the household, or the kind of head of the clan, makes a decision how they’ll vote. So if somebody, in I don’t know, Penge (South London) said I could deliver you 50 votes you would laugh. But here . . . it’s true. They deliver bundles of votes.”

Postal vote fraud has been in the news before, ever since the previous 'administration' removed pretty much all the rules on them. By 2005 we saw cases that would have 'shamed a banana republic', and of course more recently the shenanigans of corrupt Tower Hamlets Mayor Lutfur Rahman. Even a cursory trawl through Google threw up a significant number of other cases in recent years.

In that case, Electoral Commissioner Richar Mawrey said, “The ease of postal vote fraud and the difficulty of policing it led to such a great upsurge in personation that, in the Birmingham case, the number of false votes was virtually half of all votes recorded as having been cast for the winning candidates.”

What we are seeing in some parts of the country now is, whatever the cultural reasoning behind it, electoral fraud on an industrial scale - not done behind the scenes, but absolutely openly. And with the polls and the outcome of tomorrow's General Election as tight as they are, the implications are not merely at a constituency level, but potentially affect the national result as well.

But in today's climate, how do you challenge open abuse of our system without calling down outraged calls of racism or, worse, the dreaded 'Islamophobia'?

Well, we have a constituency democracy: one person, one vote. That vote should matter, and the principle matters as well. Intimidation at polling stations can more easily be controlled than postal votes and while the argument for postal votes increasing engagement is sound (even if it's made by the party that most frequently seems to have complaints made about postal vote fraud), the obvious and widespread abuse since the relaxation of the rules in 2000 means that they can't be considered secret and secure any more.

If cultural mores mean that the our democratic principles are being abused, then we shouldn't ignore it from fear of screeching outrage, but meet it head-on. And if we can't change the culture, we have to change the system.

The decision surely has to be made now to repeal the changes to postal votes and, if necessary, suspend them completely and devise a new method of remote voting that isn't as open to abuse.

Because if we don't do something soon, then we might as well wave goodbye to free and fair elections - and to democracy itself - in the UK.

Labour is Lying and Hoping You Won't Remember.

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 05 May 2015 19:13:00 +0000

Richard Littlejohn writes: 'Trust Labour? I'd rather trust Jimmy Savile to Babysit'. I'm not a fan of the Fail (and the analogy Littleprong used was unpleasant) but he makes a good point.

What's really bugged me is the dishonesty from Labour throughout this campaign - 'bedroom tax' was implemented in 2008 by Labour, and ATOS were contracted by Labour in 2005 to handle the disability assessments. They talk of 'tax avoiders' while their Leader uses a Deed of Variation to avoid Inheritance tax, flip their second homes to avoid Capital Gains tax and, in the case of Margaret Hodge, her family company Stemcor pays less than 0.05% Corporation tax. Oh, and Labour itself have a property management company that paid no Corporation Tax for eight years.

They complain about the NHS needing saving (which, by the way, they've said in every single General Election since 1948) - having saddled the NHS with £billions in PFI debt, covered up up to 1200+deaths in MidStaffs on their watch, outsourced more services to private companies than the Conservatives have (5% to 1%) and, under the Welsh Assembly, preside over NHS Wales - the worst-performing part of the NHS UK-wide.

They refuse to admit overspending during 1997-2010 despite having increased borrowing massively (to over £500 billion), raided pensions so hard in 1997 that some funds never recovered, sold off the UK's gold reserves against the advice of the market at rock-bottom prices, bailed out the banks, forced Lloyds to merge, implemented the light-touch City regulation (overruling the BoE) that allowed the subprime market to burgeon, and gave Fred Goodwin a knighthood - yet they claim they are the party of fiscal competence?

Leave aside that they went to court in 2008 to prove that manifesto promises aren't legally binding (written in stone or not), welshed on their own plan for all-women shortlists to select a Union boss (Jack Dromey, husband of Deputy Leader Harriet Harman) as an MP, have supported gender segregation during the campaign, fought for State regulation of the Press, took British servicemen to war on a 'dodgy dossier', implemented a 50% tax rate on high earners for ONE MONTH then claimed, when the Coalition cut it to 45% (and the tax take went up - see 'Laffer Curve' for more information) that it was a 'tax cut for millionaires'.

Oh, and for the record - the rich ARE paying more now than they were under Labour.

For a hundred years, Labour have tried to convince poor people that rich people are the reason they're poor. Yet in that hundred years, the poor people who've voted Labour in droves are still poor - yet Labour MPs are just as rich, just as privately educated as the Conservatives they purport to despise.
Every single time they've been in power they've screwed the economy, from the biggest deficit in peacetime history to an IMF bailout - and left unemployment higher than when they came in.

I haven't even touched on civil liberties, surveillance, NHS computerisation, Oldham, Rotherham or any of the myriad other points I could cover.

Enough lies, please. We don't need any more of this.

Labour like to talk about the Coalition record, and pretend that their dismal history - not just 1997-2010, but the dark days of the 1970s as well - doesn't exist. They rely on people not looking at the past and the tribal nature of Labour politics to ensure they keep their vote - a client state of people trained not to look at the realities but to believe the soundbites and vague platitudes, overlaid with hatred for anyone who defies the groupthink.

Well - these are all facts, all the ones that Labour don't want people to remember.

Please remember, and vote accordingly.

All The News (That's Fit To Print)

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:28:00 +0000

*This report complies with the requirements of the Leveson enquiry and has been passed as acceptable for publication by the Statutory Regulator.

UK News

In the headlines today, statistics announced by Government show that the Government is the most awesome in living memory. Quality of life has been shown to have improved in every measurable sense.

A spokesman for the Government said, "this is proof that our policies are working and that under this Government life for all will continue to improve.

The statistics themselves have not been released as they have been deemed not in the public interest. A leaked version of the report indicated that █████████████ ██████████*. Government sources have insisted that the statistics are true and valid. In a related development, reports by various charities and independent bodies purporting to contradict the Government statistics have been blocked from publication by the Statutory Regulator. Details of the subsequent prosecutions are expected in the coming days.

***

The recent alleged scandal involving MP's expenses has been resolved, according to the Parliamentary Standards Committee, after it was deemed that there were no cases to answer.

The Committee confirmed that no rules were broken by MP's in the conduct of their expenses claims and to avoid further misunderstandings, expense claim details would no longer be published. The Committee also reminded the Press of their obligations under the Leveson Rules not to publish anything that had not been approved for publication by the Statutory Regulator.

Crime

A man is to appear in court today charged with offences under the Communication Act, after he published material critical of Government policy despite warnings from the Statutory Regulator.

Mr F Nelson, editor of seditious magazine 'The Spectator', faces charges relating to assertions he made in a leader article that the Government was █████████████ ██████████*. The Judge in the case has warned Nelson he faces a lengthy custodial sentence in view of his historic opposition to the Statutory Regulator and its enforcement of a totally free and open Press.

***

The recent arrest of a political figure in connection with child sexual offences has been made subject to a D-Notice by the Statutory Regulator. The Regulator has confirmed that publishing details relating to this matter would not be in the public interest. The political figure has since returned to work. The Regulator reminds all those involved in the UK's totally free and open Press that attempts to publish details of this or any other political figure allegedly involved in molesting children would breach the Free Press Act 2012.

Culture, Media and Arts

Polly Toynbee of state-owned newspaper Pravda has been awarded the Orwell Prize for Political Journalism. Judges from the Statutory Regulator deemed her piece on the improvement in national quality-of-life since the creation of the Regulator as 'one of the finest pieces of political journalism in our lifetimes, showing why the UK's free and open Press is the best in the world'.

***

14 people have been arrested across the UK under Section 127 of the Communications Act for making offensive and seditious comments about the Government on Twitter.

A spokesman for the Statutory Regulator said, "people need to remember - published is published is published. If it's Pravda, Facebook or Twitter it doesn't matter - if it's not approved by the Regulator it's not fit to print, and you'll face the consequences. It's this careful approach that has made the UK's free and open Press the best in the world."

Footnotes

The Government has confirmed that it is assessing the findings of the Second Leveson Inquiry, which focused on the use of speech and thought to commit 'acts that would, if in print, fall foul of the Press Act and Communications Act'. The recommendations have not been published as they have been deemed as not in the public interest by the Statutory Regulator, but are thought to include a legal requirement for the content of all conversations between persons over the age of 16 to be pre-approved by the Statutory Regulator. The issuing of Acceptable Conversation Certificates will be used to enforce the Regulator's powers. There is no information yet available on the proposed penalties for unauthorised conversation.

A spokesman for the Statutory Regulator confirmed that they are to implement an interim blanket ban on people talking to one another until they can work out the details of the regulatory framework. However, there are no plans to regulate thought at this time, mostly because anyone who thinks State regulation of the Press is a good idea really isn't thinking anyway.

*This content redacted on the instructions of the Statutory Regulator: making the UK's free and open Press the best in the world.

Government Acts to Curb Irresponsible Behaviour

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 16:56:00 +0000

The Government has announced a raft of radical new policies aimed at protecting people from destructive habits, in an attempt to cut down on what has been described as an 'epidemic of problem behaviour'.

The move follows the announcement of a consultation into the minimum-pricing of alcohol to curb the recent growth in people going out and enjoying themselves in the approach to Christmas. The research was welcomed by the Government but the findings were felt not to go far enough.

Department of Health spokesman, Mr T Grinch, said, "for too long now we have seen people enjoying themselves, and spending money on themselves that should, quite rightly, be going towards the important things for the country. The things that matter. Things like payoffs for incompetent public-sector bosses and MP's expenses funds."

"The fact is", Mr Grinch added, "you people simply can't be trusted to be responsible with your money, and insist on giving it to businesses and spending it on your families and frivolous pursuits rather than giving it to the State. So if you can't be grown-up about it, then we have to do what is right."

Under the new policy, which comes into place as of Monday 3 December, employers will be required to submit all salary payments directly to HMRC rather than to employees. A new independent regulatory body, the Disbursary Advisory Division (DAD), will then take over the funds once all statutory taxes have been removed, and will make regular payments of a reasonable allowance to each person.

Treasury sources have promised that they will look after any surplus money remaining for each taxpayer, putting both the capital and interest generated to use for what the source described as, "worthy causes. Honest". However, the Treasury insist that the money will be available whenever needed - subject to a detailed business case from the person who wants it, proving that it isn't for anything frivolous like holidays, parties, trendy clothes or that pop music.

A DAD representative said, "there's plenty of wear left in that suit, you don't need a new one. And what do you need more of that loud rubbish for? It's not like there's even a proper tune. Look at you, with your enjoying yourselves and your weekends and your summer holidays in foreign countries. You treat this country like it's a hotel. We'll give you what you need and not a penny more until you can prove to us that you're going to be responsible."

Louise Mensch was, as always, far too keen to comment.

Republicans Look to British for Relaunch

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 17:28:00 +0000

"Our Republican future will be to say, with one voice - 'do you want fries with that?'"

Breaking News:

Following Mitt Romney's comprehensive defeat to President Barack Obama in yesterday's Presidential elections, the Republican Party has announced a root and branch review of its platform and prolicies, and The Diary can exclusively reveal that it has enlisted top British political consultants to reshape its brand.

Speaking shortly after Mr Romney's concession speech, a heavily-sedated John Boehner said, "it is clear that we did not approach this election with the right people or the right policies for America, and we have tonight paid the price for that. We must learn from this mistake if we are to regain power and make America great once again."

Mr Boehner added, "If we'd only been firmer in our message, then people wouldn't have voted overwhelmingly for un-American things like equal rights, marijuana and even female politicians. We need to focus our agenda more closely on the things that matter to the American people - the economy, immigration, women's rights and of course the issue of gays and lesbians in our society. Britain has cultural history in these things that we in the GOP cannot ignore, and we have already asked the best minds on the topics to consult with us and help redraft our policies for the run to the 2016 election.

GOP sources including aides to Rush Limbaugh, Todd Akin's legal advisers, the curators of Sarah Palin's brain cell and Donald Trump's psychiatric nurse have confirmed that the Republicans are disappointed that their message to the US electorate was not properly delivered or understood by voters. One spokesman said, "we never should've paid for that useless, godless, liberal East-coast pansy-ass moderate Romney, even though he was rich enough. We need a good old-fashioned God-fearin', gun-totin', wife-beatin' multibillionaire evangelist Christian to show this new-fangled modern liberal America what Republican values truly mean. Then they'll vote for us. Or we'll buy the rest of the voting machines, whatever works."

A leaked internal Republican Party document, obtained by The Diary, has confirmed that deals have already been struck with a number of key political figures and advisers from the UK, including:

BNP leader and leading untermensch Nick Griffin will advise on Immigration especially in the key Republican state of Arizona. Mr Griffin is expected to add weight to Arizona legislation making it a capital offence to be in possession of a Hispanic accent.
Radical preacher Toejam Choudhary will advise on women's issues, with a view to ensuring that Republican views on women's rights are fully rounded, especially the stones to throw at any woman who dares leave the kitchen.
Former Prime Ministers Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have been asked to join a working party with President GW Bush, to examine how Republican fiscal policy can repair the damage done by the Obama administration and return to spunking trillions of dollars in defence spending and then hiding it off the books. One spokesman pointed out that the Labour Government's PFI initiatives, which almost concealed some £250bn of spending, was 'an ideal blueprint' for the new fiscal policy.
The Republican position on abortion in the case of rape is to be radically revised, taking into account the success of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy used in the US Forces. A new bill, tentatively entitled 'Keep Your Goddamn Mouth Shut, Harlot' is expected to be published shortly.

Republican sources are reportedly disappointed that they were not able to find a British consultant prepared to argue that the Earth was created by God just a few thousand years ago, but they accepted that nobody in Britain was stupid enough to believe that anyway. However, Archbishop Rowan Williams, the current God-Botherer in Chief of the Anglican Church, is reputed to be considering the role on a part-time basis.

It is expected that the revised Republican platform should be launched in the coming days to coincide with the launch of the 2016 Presidential election campaigns a week next Tuesday. Pundits at Fox News have confidently predicted a Santorum/Akin ticket for the race, maintaining the GOP tradition of descent into regressive insanity.

Pollster, psychic and preternatural farseer Nate Silver, along with Democrat and centrist think-tanks, have welcomed the Republican announcement and the expected confirmation that the Republican Party will effectively become unelectable for a generation.

Donald Trump was too busy foaming at the mouth to comment.

Romney Promises Wealth Redistribution

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 11:24:00 +0000

"How much tax do I pay? This much, folks!"

As the US Presidential campaign entered its last frenetic hours, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has insisted that his Presidency will be 'the party of fairness', and spoken in more detail on his fiscal plans.

Speaking at a public meeting in New Hampshire, Mr Romney stressed the accessibility of his campaign, pointing out that the attendees at his stump speech had only had to pay $15,000 each and provide documentary evidence of their ancestry, religion and net worth before being permitted to cheer for their candidate.

Mr Romney said, "I know that in these times of financial hardship, caused by President Obama and his wars in Iraq and Afghanistan - it WAS him, honest - fairness and wealth-creation is important for all. I want people to understand that as President, I will ensure the proper redistribution of wealth in this great nation of ours".

A briefing document provided by campaign staffers to attendees outlined the details of Mr Romney's budget plans, and offered the first clear policy statement on the candidate's much-vaunted wealth-redistribution scheme. Methods to be used by a Romey administration include the institution of an 80% basic rate of income tax on all people earning less than $10m per year, with the proceeds being used to fund a 0% rate of tax on billionaires and increased funding for Halliburton, Bain Capital and Congresssional pension funds.

A Romney campaign aide pointed out that the proposed budget move would have "a net positive impact on jobs", with the resultant collapsing businesses meaning more jobs were created in China, creating a further budget boost for the ~~Romney Cayman Islands Account~~ economy.

Further policies allowing the forcible repatriation of anyone who can't trace their ancestry back to 1776 (with a politician exemption clause), the introduction of a $0 minimum wage on non-white and women workers, and a new hunting permit allowing those owning two or more companies to legally hunt gays and bisexuals, are expected to be published immediately after the Inuaguration, with a new 'Woman's Place In The Home' Bill, mandating the use of the Scolds Bridle and near-continuous pregnancy, expected in early 2014.

To rapturous applause, Mr Romney told his attendees, "We need to make America great again. To take it back to a time of fairness - when the rich got what they deserved, and the American masses had rights and freedom. Real freedom, folks. Freedom to die on the streets or in their homes as long as they'd outlived their usefulness. Freedom to contract septicaemia from illegal back-street abortions, to suffer agonies from untreated, unaffordable healthcare conditions. Freedom to be beaten to death for their their colour, creed or sexuality. Freedom to aspire to own a car while you wash mine for me. Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to make me richer."

"We need to redistribute the wealth - share it fairly, taking it away from the feckless who simply use their salaries to feed their families, and restore that stolen wealth to those of us who can invest it properly in offshore bank accounts and foreign wars and oil exploration. That's what made America great, and I will bring those halcyon days of robber-baron feudalism back."

Current polling indicates that the Presidential race is deadlocked, largely due to the Republican party owning all the voting machines. Polling takes place on Tuesday 6 November, with the results of the election due sometime in 2013 when all the voter-suppression laws have been challenged in the courts.

Donald Trump's wig was unavailable for comment.

The Recipe for MP's Dosh

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 11:56:00 +0000

Shades of 2009 have returned with grim inevitability. Three years on, our 'leaders' show us that the only thing they learned from the public outcry, gnashing of John Lewis lists and jail sentences was how to game the system even more - sadly, exactly the way I predicted.

On the upside, though, the avarice and mendacity of the 646 MPiggies has, at least, returned my heart to song - this time with apologies to Harry Connick Jr.

The Recipe for MP's Dosh

Buy a second home and let it out to someone new,
Profit on the income and claim rent expenses too,
Then flip its status to avoid the Revenue,
And that's the recipe for MP's dosh,

Don't worry that the public's getting wise to your deceit,
Use FOI to keep it from the plebs out on the street,
Just add a spouse's wages to make your scam complete,
And that's the recipe for MP's dosh,

And if you've got it right you'll know it,
Just sit back and watch your net worth soar,
And if you've got it wrong you'll know it,
'cause the Press will be knockin' at your door,

Leave the book with all the regulations on the shelf,
The taxpayer exists for you to maximise your wealth,
We're not in this together, you're a law unto yourself ,
And that's the recipe for MP's dosh!

CPS Herald 'New Age of Civility'

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:52:00 +0000

The Crown Prosecution Service today announced a new scheme designed to herald "a new age of civility", following a new interpretation of hate speech laws to include absolutely anything anyone could say, ever.

An unprecedented expansion of Section 127 of the Communications Act 2003 will enable the jailing of people for new definitions of hate speech to include 'tastelessness in a public place', 'being an idiotic gobshite while under the influence' and 'making sick jokes on the internet with intent to wound someone's feelings', a crime for which the jail sentence has been increased to match that for Labour peers who kill people while texting and driving.

A spokesman for the CPS said, "it is vitally important in today's world that nobody should say anything at all that might conceivably cause offence to anyone, anywhere, at any time now or in the future. This sort of crime results in wounded feelings, and the victim support costs for some completely random person being offended by something they might potentially see and be offended about, even though they had nothing to do with any part of it and no relation to it, runs to eleventy billion pounds per victim. It is only right, therefore, that someone who says something unfunny and tasteless on the internet should be arrested, jailed and have a criminal record blighting his entire future."

The spokesman added, "the sentencing of this vile individual for the worst possible crime on the statute book - saying something stupid - should remind all people that the Criminal Justice system exists to create a glorious new age of civility, when nobody will ever say anything even slightly naughty to anyone ever again. Of course, it also ensures there's a healthy supply of convicts, which will guarantee CPS, Police and Court Service budgets in these times of austerity, but that's not important of course."

The Department of Justice confirmed that the s127 law has now been expanded to include absolutely any and all "jokes, sarcastic remarks, irony, criticism, tellings-off, negativity, naughtiness or anything which might, in the mind of anyone at all, conceivably be considered offensive, upsetting or slightly rude". A spokesman confirmed that further consultancy was under way to introduce legislation to pre-empt potentially offensive language, including outlawing being a stupid teenager, having too much to drink, or just doing something stupid you later regret. Unnamed sources said that the DoJ is investigating whether members of the public can be offended by comments about the weather, and is working in conjunction with the Department of Health to establish whether removing the vocal cords and fingers of all British citizens may be a viable immediate option as opposed to the longer-term process of simply atrophying their brains - a strategy that has been going on now for over 30 years.

Police sources also said that they were consulting on allowing the reinstatement of lynch mobs, turning up at the houses of people who say anything they don't like, which it is felt may reduce Police paperwork.

Comedians across the UK were unavailable for comment, as they've all gone into hiding fearing arrest.

Shock as F1's Hamilton Announces McLaren Departure

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 07:17:00 +0000

The world of Formula One was thrown into disarray this morning by the shock announcement that Lewis Hamilton is to leave the McLaren F1 team, to whom he has been contracted since conception.

The news comes as McLaren, who have shown a recent resurgence in form, increased their salary offer for the 27-year-old to 'all the money in the world ever plus a pound, honest' - levels unprecedented within even Michael Schumacher's negotiations with his insurance company.

The new deal, signed by Hamilton's management company Svengali Associates, will see Hamilton turn in his racing overalls for a Union Jack dress as he takes over a 3-year contract replacing Geri Halliwell in a relaunched Spice Girls team. Hamilton's salary for the move is undisclosed, but the management company is rumoured to be taking a cut in the region of eleventy squillion pounds

A spokesman for Svengali Associates explained "Brand Hamilton is quitting his underperforming racing career in favour of the vapid celebrity life he has clearly aspired to for so long, and to which all our management clients aspire. We are confident that this is the right career step for Lewis, and in the coming months we expect to sign independent deals for a perfume, new underwear, and a collaboration R'n'B album with Fiddy Cent."

The 2008 World Champion is expected to crown his move from talented F1 driver to pointless slab with a place on next year's Strictly Come Dancing, and his management company are not commenting on rumours that he will make a final, dire appearance eating bugs in a jungle for Ant & Dec before disappearing into obscurity, having squandered his talent and money in pursuit of transient fame.

However, the spokesman pointed out that that disappearance would not come before Svengali Associates had "extorted stratospheric levels of cash from his brand".

Fernando Alonso, Sebastian Vettel and Jenson Button were too busy working hard at being professional racing drivers to comment.

Santorum Chooses To Abort Campaign

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 18:22:00 +0000

The American radical Christian movements have exploded in anger tonight after ~~fascist~~Republican ~~wackjob~~nominee hope~~less~~ful Rick Santorum announced that he was unbelievably doing something sensible and dropping out of the Presidential race.

The former Senator announced tonight that he was terminating his campaign to spend more time with his obsession with legislating uteruses. However, fundamentalist Christians across the United States have erupted in anger at the news.

Mr F Phelps, a Baptist minister and Santorum campaigner, said, "my church cannot believe that Santorum has committed this heinous act, in violation of Scripture and Commandment. For a Presidential hopeful - our Presidential hopeful - to have aborted his campaign shows no consideration for our Holy cause of demeaning women and returning America from its abhorrent 'Land of the Free' back to the Puritan ways of the Founding Fathers, except with Viagra for us men. Obviously."

Campaign specialists pointed out that while Mr Santorum has terminated his campaign today, it had shown no signs of life since he had announced he would ban the No. 1 pastime of American men. One political pundit described it as 'not a termination, more a mercy killing'.

Mr Santorum's statement that it was 'his choice' to abandon his campaign midway through its gestation has further angered ~~morons~~ evangelists across the Midwest. One campaigner, who preferred not to be named, said that Santorum's campaign suspension would cause, "the end of the world as we want it. We'll be back to the bad old days of women holding jobs instead of holding children, and uppity civil rights campaigners we can't lynch".

A spokescorporation for Mitt Romney, now expected to be the shoo-in candidate to lose to President Barack Obama in November, accepted Mr Santorum's concession, saying, "this is a generous act on behalf of my opponent, who has finally accepted that my candidacy creates the America that all Americans want - at least, all middle-aged, white, wealthy venture-capitalist Americans anyway. And they're what matters."

He also called on Christian activists to 'go easy' on Mr Santorum, pointing out, "be fair, at least he pulled out early".

Mr Santorum's newly-fired campaign staff have declined to comment on rumours that the former Senator was forced to undergo a trans-voter ultrasound prior to his decision to terminate his campaign.

Barack Obama was too busy winning to comment.

EXCLUSIVE: Tables Of Power - A Diary Investigation

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 19:29:00 +0000

The row over the 'cash for access' allegations took a more serious turn tonight, with The Diary able to provide exclusive evidence that other senior figures in the Coalition and Opposition parties have also been hawking their dubious conversational skills around the rich and powerful of the nation.

In an exclusive sting operation by our exclusive roving reporter Dun Geekin, The Diary was able to gain seats at the dining tables* of many influential and powerful politicians, often for much less than the £250,000 paid by so many wealthy** Tory Party donors.

Posing as billionaire dung broker Simon Cowell, your fearless reporter contacted the assistants of various leading political figures, offering promises of donations in return for dinner dates and influence over policy, and the results make for shocking reading.

Liberal Democrat leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said that he would offer, "the fullest influence at my disposal - but at a price commensurate with that power and influence", before offering a seat at his exclusive dinner for £7.50 and a packet of Skittles.

We were able to arrange lunch, and the chance to ensure a question of our choice was tabled by 'a tame MP' at PMQ's by Deputy Squeaker John Bercow, for just £5,000 - but he made the proviso that we had to help tuck his high-chair in.

Your brave reporter did attempt to arrange a lunch with Conservative (very) heavy-hitter Eric Pickles, but were forced to abandon the attempt when the Secretary of State for communities attempted to eat his arm.

London Mayoral candidate Ken Livingstone offered a 'working breakfast and the chance to shoot the Jew of your choice' for £20,000 in non-sequential bills paid to his company for tax reasons.

In all cases, The Diary's reporter made his excuses and left, rather than influence policy to the point that the politicos actually did something sensible for once in their miserable lives.

However, just after our sting operation ended we were contacted directly by 'Little Red' Ed Millipede, who offered to let us write the entire Labour Manifesto if we'd just give him a cuddle and tell him we actually liked him. Our reporter declined.

The dossier of our investigation, and the shocking case of access to politicians and influence for money, has been passed to Rupert Murdoch who was probably in need of a good laugh.

*Apart from John Prescott, who uses a trough and who'd eaten all the food before your reporter arrived.

** And mindless.

Politicians Quarantined in Health Scare

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 18:38:00 +0000

In a development unprecedented since the 1997 Conservative Cull, it was this afternoon announced that all British Politicians are to be placed in immediate and total quarantine.

The announcement was made following what appears to be the worst outbreak of Foot In Mouth Disease in living memory spreading across the Parliamentary benches.

In a combined operation involving experts from the Department of Health, the Ministry if Agriculture, Fisheries and Food and other specialists, all politicians in the UK have been placed in immediate quarantine in the Palace of Wesetminster, and will be denied the oxygen of publicity believed to fuel the spread of the disease.

Experts first became aware of the extent of the problem recently when two members of the species, from different habitats, both exhibited simultaneous symptoms today. Ed Milipede, Latin name Politicanus Redleftius, and Lib-Dem coalition jester Bozo The Cable (P. Limpdummius), both showed signs of infection, with Milipede reduced to even more of an adenoidal babble than usual on a pointless radio phone-in and Cable publishing a letter attacking the very Government he's a Minister in.

A Department of Health Spokesman said, "these are two early cases, but what we are seeing now is the widespread infection of politicians in general. Previously we thought it was contained to Prescott's unintelligible babble and the odd halfwit comment from Ken Clarke - and, of course, Ken Livingstone has been suffering from Foot In Mouth for years but he's largely self-quarantined anyway.

"However, these two recent cases, along with the Prime Minister suffering an attack and promising millions of pounds we haven't got to avoid being lynched by union nurses, means that we have to take serious measures immediately for the greater public good."

Voters around the country have rallied in support of the move, and suggested that the standard approach taken with cattle of shooting and setting fire to every single politician would certainly be in the public interest.

However, it is feared that the outbreak may already have spread to other countries, with cases appearing in the United States, where Presidential no-hopeful Rick Santorum has declared the female uterus part of the Axis of Evil, and also in Russia, where a severe case led to Vladimir Putin declaring he had an electoral mandate.

Peter Mandelson was oleaginous for comment.

BREAKING: God to Sue Catholic Church

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 09:50:00 +0000

'The Diary' has received exclusive information that God, the reclusive titular head of most organised religions worldwide, has today launched legal action against the Roman Catholic Church.

The suit, filed in the names of J Hova, his son and a nebulous H Ghost of no fixed address, is believed to be the first of its kind where an individual has filed a class-action suit in the names of his multiple personalities.

The Diary has exclusively seen the text of the legal action, which demands damages from the Catholic Church for 'misrepresentation of a Deity figure, His Teachings and His attitude and cites a number of acts taken in His name including the First, Second and Third Crusades and the appointment of the current Pontiff, His Heiliness Obergruppenfuhrer Von Benedict XVI.

However, the event that finally prompted God, immortal, into legal action was an article by Cardinal Keith O'Brien, Britain's most senior religious transvestite, calling same-sex marriage 'madness' and 'a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right'.

God's spokesangel, Mr Bernard Bush, attacked the comments and explained the reasoning behind the legal action, saying, "God is being utterly misrepresented here by organised religion in general, and the Catholic Church in this matter in particular. God is a being of love, and gave love to all mankind, irrespective of where any human wishes to insert his genitalia. Altarboys excepted. That really pisses God off, we've got special plans for those priests."

Mr Bush added, "marriage is marriage, love is love. You lot, despite all your screwups, were created in His image and homosexuality is part of His plan. I mean, you *know* He moves in mysterious ways, right? Right? And yet you spout from some section of a 1700-year-old book like it's gospel or something, ignoring the bits where it also bans bowl haircuts, polyester and shellfish. Enough's enough."

The Catholic Church is expected to defend its position on business grounds, pointing out that tolerance is unlikely to pay the bills on the huge number of vastly-expensive lands and properties they own around the globe.

A separate case by God against the Islamic faith, challenging the use of suicide bombers in His name, was rejected by the European Court of Human Rights. In their decision, they pointed out that while they broadly supported the case against blowing shit up in the name of Allah without checking with Him first, the Court did not have jurisdiction to handle submissions by immortal, omnipotent Supreme Beings. Mr Hova was advised to take his case instead to his local Small Claims Court.

Ed Miliband was adenoidal for comment.

Roasting For One: Crazy or Crazy Delicious?

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 16 May 2011 07:40:00 +0000

Published on 'Fabulous Foodie' 15/5/2011

To do justice to food as the most wide-ranging and personal of subjects, I needed additional voices to chime in. I asked dungeekin so he would make me one of the fabulous roasts he discusses below. My plan is working ’cause I’ve been eating awfully well as a result. — Deb.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The topic of solo activities has been weighing upon my mind recently, given that it will be another nine days before I am back again at the dining-table of my beloved. And by ‘solo activities’, for the more earthily-minded among you, I am of course referring to cooking for one.

Specifically, Sunday roasts when cooking for one.

Sunday roasts, with all the trimmings, are of course a British tradition. They’re as much a part of the English way of life as the Queen, substandard dentistry and constant drizzle. Yet when I mentioned on Twitter that I was planning to treat myself to a Sunday roast – alone – the news was met with a degree of surprise.

It seems that many people view cooking a roast (especially if they’re on their own) as hard work – a great deal of effort on a day of rest. And this surprises me, because it isn’t. Really, honestly, it isn’t hard work at all.

A tempting roast dinner – with all the glorious kitchen smells that brings, and the dopey satedness that follows its eating – is actually staggering simple. It’s ‘fire and forget’ food – with a few minutes thought and pre-planning, you can have a juicy roast on the table with luscious accompaniments in two hours – of which, despite impressions, you’ve only had to do about 30 minutes’ work.

It’s true, honest.

I wrote a roast chicken recipe some time ago which outlines the concept, however in order to prove my point I’m going to tell you what I cooked for myself tonight. It was good. More importantly, it was easy, which is a priority when cooking alone. And if you follow this, you’ll have a juicy roast on the table inside two hours, with less work than you’d need to cook a risotto.

Roast Pork, Roast Potatoes, Broccoli, Fried Leeks & Mushrooms.

This will serve one with leftovers (if, like me, you like raiding the fridge for a cold roast potato) or two easily enough.

You’ll need:

1kg pork shoulder with the skin on (for crackling);
Either 4 large or 8 smaller potatoes (floury King Edwards are good for roasting, but you can use whatever);
1 head of broccoli;
2 large leeks;
Butter, sea salt, olive oil, black pepper;
Onion gravy granules (remember, this is a quick job, so it’s not cheating).

Put the oven on. HIGH (250C is good). Boil the kettle. Chuck a good lug of olive oil into a roasting dish.

Once the oven’s up to temperature, put the pork on a plate in the sink. Pour the boiling water over the skin, and watch it start to crinkle. Pat it dry (carefully), drizzle it with a little olive oil and season with lots of salt and black pepper. Pop it in the roasting dish, skin up, and chuck it in the oven. Set the timer for 20 minutes – this is the initial ‘sizzle’.

Peel and chop (if necessary) your potatoes, and pop them in a saucepan of salted water to parboil.

Go and watch TV for 20 minutes, there’s nothing you can do right now.

When the timer goes, go and turn the heat on the oven down to 170-180C, and reset the timer for 30 minutes. Carefully take the potatoes out of their boiling water, set them aside and turn off the heat on the saucepan – you’ll need that water later, so keep hold of it. Go back to the TV for the remaining time.

Thirty minutes later, when the oven goes ‘ping’ – take out the roasting dish, pop in the potatoes, and give them a careful flip or two to cover them in the oil and meat fat. Back in the oven – set the timer again, this time for 40 minutes. Pour yourself a glass of wine, and return to your scheduled afternoon viewing….

Seriously, you’ve done maybe ten minutes work and there’s now nothing else you can do for almost an hour. Leave everything alone.

Once the 40 minutes is up, you have 15 minutes of business ahead (ish). First, take the pork out of the oven, then carefully remove the skin, and wrap the pork in foil to relax while you finish your meal. Pop the crackling back on a shelf in the oven, so it carries on drying and crisping up.

Turn on the heat under the saucepan you used earlier, and heat some butter and olive oil in a frying pan. Put some gravy granules in a jug.

Chop as much broccoli as you need, and chuck it into the saucepan. Chop the leeks and mushrooms, and put them in the frying pan Cook until the leek and mushroom mix, and the broccoli, are both tender, then simply turn the heat off under both pans, and drain the water from the broccoli straight into the gravy mix, and stir.

Unwrap your meat, carve. Turn off the oven, take out the potatoes and the crackling. Add everything to the plate. Serve. Eat.

Now, seriously, how hard was that? You have a perfect Sunday roast, leftovers to nibble on, and the sense of replete achievement that comes with a meal most people seem to think is ‘hard work’.

Though of course if you’re on your own, you do have to do the washing-up . . .

The Physics Of Coffee Mugs Explained

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 16:29:00 +0000

When you need it most it's in the smallest mug....

So I noticed today that the lovely Gotham Girl was asking one of those deep philosophical questions that go to the very heart of our existence here in the Universe:

"Why are all coffee mugs so small? or do they just feel that way when one hasn't had enough coffee?"

Well, it's been a long time since my PhD in Applied & Theoretical Caffeination, but I can still recall the basics and so, in the interest of Bringing Science To The Masses, permit me to explain the phenomenon.

It's a noted scientific fact that the mug size decreases in inverse proportion to the need for coffee, due to quantum irregularities. The phenomenon was first noted by Isaac Newton, in fact, who was in dire need of a triple espresso after an unfortunate apple-related incident left him lying flat on his front for three weeks. However, while his work on mug size led directly to both his Laws of Bowel Motions and a severe case of caffeine withdrawal, he was unable to explain the reason for the events he observed.

Many people believe that the breakthrough in understanding the coffee/cup/need relationship was best postulated in Folger's Caffeine Uncertainty Principle, which reputedly came to the great man after a heavy night on the Jack Daniels. The Principle states that because the act of needing coffee changes the quantum state of the coffee itself simply by being present, we can either know how much coffee is in the mug or how good it tastes - but not both. A purist would, of course, note the fundamental contradiction inherent within the Caffeine Uncertainty Principle, though lack of space prevents me explaining it here. However, many in the field now agree that Folger would have produced a better Principle had he not been hungover when he postulated all over the page.

However, some caffeticians believe that this Universal question can better be explained by the groundbreaking work of none other than Albert Einstein in his 1918 General Theory Of Javativity, which states that:

c = √Ne

where c= cup size, N= need for a brew and e= The Eurgh Constant*, brought about by not having coffee and believed to be the largest 'real number in existence**.

Now clearly, I don't have to tell you that Einstein's theory leaves significant gaps for the thinking caffetician. The theorem makes no allowance, for example, for the significant effects of spacetime on the surface area of a cappucino, for example, which many believe was Einstein's greatest error (after his choice of hairdresser).

That said, Einstein could not have been expected to predict the later work of Professor Maxwell House of Princeton, who proved that coffee exists in multiple quantum states, acting like both a wave, a particle and a good smack around the ears at the same time, and whose seminal work (thankfully just missing his mocha when he released it) on Latte Theory is still being studied for both insight and any sense at all.

So you can see from just this simple primer that the question has taxed some of the finest minds in history, and we still have much to learn about the physics of the coffee mug. However, mine is now empty so I shall refill it before it reduces to subatomic size. Join me next week, when we'll be investigating the theological schisms caused by Marmite sandwiches through history.

* This footnote intentionally left blank.

** The Eurgh Constant is defined as the square of the cube of the likelihood of you getting a kick in the teeth if you don't bring me a double espresso right now, multiplied by the Fine Structure Constant and divided by the number you first thought of. Plus 42, obviously. The equation is çɞʧE³. You're welcome.

Dun Geekin is Syphilitus Professor of Coffee Sciences at St Arbucks University. He holds a PhD in Pure and Applied Caffeinetics from Javard, a BArista in Theoretical Wiredness from Costa College, and a 10-yard swimming certificate.