The Diary of a Geek in Oxfordshire

No More Fear.

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:16:00 +0000

"If you see what I see, if you feel what I feel, and if you would seek as I seek. . . "

So as I intimated earlier, and as I tend to do when I need to remember and to be inspired, yet again I watched 'V for Vendetta' tonight.

"Words offer the means to meaning and, for those who will listen, the enunciation of Truth. And the Truth is, there is something terribly wrong with our country, isn't there?". So says V in this wonderful, brilliant, [insert superlative here] film.

Watching 'V For Vendetta' reminds me why I write, why I drip contempt and sarcasm for our leadership in every sentence. It reminds me why Old Holborn rants and Walks, why Obnoxio swears, why Iain Dale reasons and His Grace Archbishop Cranmer eulogises.

We all do what we do because V was right.

Ignore the fiction - the Fingermen, the biological terror and the like. They are the poetic licenses to drive the narrative required of a movie. Instead, dear Reader, examine the facts. There IS something terribly wrong with our country.

We are 'ruled' not with consent by honourable people, but by avaricious power-seekers who rule by fear.

We are told to fear Terrorism, because the fear of terror garners our tacit consent for legislation that removes our rights and liberties. Our soldiers, who volunteered to defend our nation, are dying in a foreign field not for our freedom or for the liberty of others, but to satisfy the need of Government to keep us scared of 'terror'.

That fear is used to enact the laws that make us guilty until proven innocent, forced to prove our own identies, restricted in our right to protest.

We are told to fear infection. Swine 'flu, Bird flu, SARS, whatever the latest potential pandemic might be. Fear of infection reduces human contact and interaction. We are in fear for our health, the Government instructing us on our salt content, our fat consumption, our exercise levels.

We are taught to fear injury, under the auspices of 'Health and Safety'. No risk, no pleasure, no life, in the terror that our actions may bring our life to an early end.

Our own children are taught to fear. They are taught that paedophiles lurk in every corner, that they cannot trust their parents. They are taught what to eat. Taught everything, in fact, than how to think for themselves.

As a nation, we have lost our voice to the fear of causing offence. We remain silent to more indignities than this country has ever before suffered. We have meekly surrendered liberties which our parents and grandparents fought and died to preserve for others.

We should not be afraid. We have nothing to fear.

We as a nation have faced terrorism with no diminution of our liberties. We as a nation have survived epidemics. We as a nation have stood and fought against the very tyrannies our current Regime would foist upon us.

I write because I will not be afraid. And while I don't have the eloquence of 'V', and can't mobilise millions to stand up against the government, I hope that I can mobilise ONE. Just one.

And if I can incentivise one, who can incentivise one more. . . and if those others who rail against the iniquities of our current Government can each do the same, then we can, as a majority, stand against the Regime and say, "we are not afraid any more".

We can say, "we are not scared of Terror - stop the war and bring our troops home. NOW".

We can say, "we are not scared of Injury - we will live our lives as we choose".

Most importantly, we can say, "We are not afraid of you - YOU should, instead, be afraid of US".

I am not afraid, which is why The Diary exists. Anyone else care to say the same?

World's Earliest Social Networking Site Found

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:12:00 +0000

"Anybody seen my iPhone?"

Technoarchaelogists at St Nerd's College, Oxford, claim to have discovered the earliest social networking system, dating back to the birth of Christianity.

Discovered in a crypt near the Sea of Galilee, the researchers found a number of small bricks, known as Twyys, each inscribed with short messages in Aramaic, each smaller than 140 characters.

Chief Researcher Professor B Stone said, "this is a tremendous discovery. The evidence indicates that these bricks were individually carved by the people, then hand-stacked into something called a Twyy Tower. Other scribes would then choose whose Twyy's they wished to read, inscribe their own and add them. In this way, vast conversations between multiple people were recorded in the Twyy Tower."

Professor Stone added that the Twyy's so far translated had validated large sections of the Bible, proving the existence of many key characters in Galilee and the Holy Land during the period.

The Diary of a Geek was granted exclusive access to several of these priceless and historic Twyys:

Twyys scribed by Jesus of Nazareth:

realsonofGod: We OK for dinner tonight? Table for 13 at Luigi's, bring your own bloody wine this time, OK?

realsonofGod: Hey all, am liveblogging this meeting with Pilate, tweet if you've any questions! hashtag's #mycrucifixion

realsonofGod: #mycrucifixion Anyhoo, I'll be hanging around here for a while, then should be back in a few days, k?

Other Key Twyy Towers:

johnthebaptist: Met this hot chick Salome on JudeaDate. Meeting up tomorrow night. She seems lovely - says she likes head too.

Jud4sIsc4r10t: Look, I know i kissed him. It was only for a bet, 30 pieces of silver and I was pissed, OK?

Simon_Peter: Look, seriously, stop @'ing me. I don't know the guy, ok? I've told you 3 times now, He's not in my Followers list.

ProphetMo: #newreligion Looking to add followers, @me for details!

ProphetMo: #newreligion Get 72 virgins in 7 days guaranteed! Ask me how!!

PontiusP: Anybody seen the handsoap?

TheLazarus2.0: I'm back, anyone around?

A full exhibition of the individual bricks, consolidated and placed into historically accurate Twyy Towers, is planned to be held at the British Museum once translation works are complete.

Terror Fears Cause Bonfire Night Ban

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:02:00 +0000

BANNED!

The Government has today announced that all Bonfire Night celebrations are to be made illegal with immediate effect, after concerns were raised about National Security and cohesion.

The news comes after the Security Service, MI5, uncovered a plot by a terror group in Yorkshire to burn an effigy of the Prime Minister, in contravention of the 'Making Gordon Brown Look A Twat Act 2008'. Seven arrests in the case have so far been made, and police sources confirm that their searches uncovered material linked to similar offences in a series of dawn raids throughout the country.

The arrests follow the release of research by left-leaning Think Tank the Centre for Bullshit Research, which identified a number of 'grave risks to national cohesion' in the annual celebration of the Gunpowder Plot.

Speaking from the Ministry of Love, Justice Minister Laventiy Straw said, "the information we have received proves that Bonfire Night poses a clear and present threat to National Security. Firstly, we have the fact that the perpetrator of the Plot, one Guy Fawkes, was a terrorist himself, and was attempting to incite religious hatred. It is right, therefore, that we avoid any resurgence of the Protestant/Catholic schism of 1605 in this nation today. Secondly, those who take part in this celebration of terrorism have access to explosive materials, and as such are immediately guilty of two offences under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. Anyone, therefore, caught in possession of fireworks will be subject to arrest and indefinite detention in Belmarsh Prison.

"Thirdly, the Gunpowder Plot was an attempt to blow up the seat of democracy in this great nation. Its remembrance means that the people of Britain are not showing sufficient gratiftude and love to their Democratically-elected Labour leaders. It's like supporting Al-Qaeda. These anti-democratic demonstrations must be stopped. Finally, these gatherings are unsafe for children, because there might be paedophiles in the crowd. Honest."

Mr Straw added that gatherings around bonfires were also subject to controls under the Public Order Act because, he said, "the bonfires are in breach of laws on peaceful demonstration, and these gatherings in support of terror can no longer be countenanced".

Under the new Government ruling, all gatherings will be banned from November 1-10. During this period, specially-constituted combined squads of anti-terror PCSO's and firemen will be patrolling towns and cities, with a mandate to extinguish any bonfires, disband those attending and arrest anyone in possession of a sparkler.

Inspired by this piece of Nanny-statism.

Remember, Remember. . .

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:31:00 +0000

The speech that reminds me why I do this. I wish I could write like it.

Good luck and best wishes to those taking a Walk today in remembrance of the only man ever to enter Parliament with honest intent.

Gee Mister Barroso

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 19:07:00 +0000

VOTER
Dear J Manuel Barroso,
You gotta understand
This EU rigmarole-o,
Is getting out of hand,
We lose our nation status,
Our independence sunk,
We all think this Eurotreaty's junk!

BRITAIN
Gee, Mister Barroso, we're very upset,
We never had the vote on this we thought we would get,
So don't let our message,
Be misunderstood,
We think the Treaty is no good!

VOTER
It's no good!

BRITAIN
It's no good, It's no good,
It is just no good!
Like, the Lisbon Treaty's no damn good!

BARROSO: (Spoken) That's a touchin' good story.

VOTER: (Spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!

BARROSO: (Spoken)Just tell it to Gordon Brown.

VOTER
Dear Gordon Brown, Your Honour,
We hate this Treaty stuff,
And with no referenda,
We've really had enough.
We didn't wanna have it,
But somehow it was had.
Can't you see federalism's bad!

GORDON BROWN
Right!
Mr Barroso, I really don't care;
I want these Eurosceptics out of New Labour's hair!
Those anti are Tories, and I'm not peturbed.
They're psychologic'ly disturbed!

VOTER
I'm disturbed!

BRITAIN
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed.

GORDON BROWN: (Spoken) In my opinion, this voter is disenchanted on account he ain't had a vote on the Treaty.

VOTER: (Spoken) Hey, I'm disenchanted on account I'm disenfranchised.

GORDON BROWN: So take him to David Cameron.

VOTER
You said we would have suffrage,
A chance to disagree,
But what now can you promise,
What can you guarantee?
Our rights have gone to Brussels,
Our dissent was suppressed,
You must know this Treaty is a mess!

DAVID CAMERON
Yes!
Mr Barroso, you're really a slob.
We couldn't keep our promise so this isn't our job.
This whole EU Project's a terrible trick,
This treaty makes the people sick!

VOTER
I am sick!

BRITAIN
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick, sick, sick,
Like this whole damn Project makes us sick!

DAVID CAMERON: In my opinion, this voter don't need to vote Tory at all. To avoid intra-party conflict, Europe is purely a UKIP issue!

VOTER: Hey, I got issues!

DAVID CAMERON: So take him to Nigel Farage!

VOTER
Dear kindly Nigel Farage,
This Treaty's gonna suck,
We'll soon be ruled by Merkel,
Or worse a grinning schmuck,
It's not I'm anti-Europe,
But superstates don't work,
This new Treaty's driving us berserk!

NIGEL FARAGE
Eek!
Mr Barroso, you've done it again.
You've ruined national sovereignty with strokes of a pen.
It isn't a question of misunderstood;
This Lisbon Treaty's just no good!

VOTER
It's no good!

BRITAIN
It's no good, It's no good,
It is just no good!
Like, the Lisbon Treaty's no damn good!

DAVID CAMERON
This EU Treaty's crazy.

GORDON BROWN
I don't care what you think.

NIGEL FARAGE
It's just a train of gravy!

DAVID CAMERON
The Lisbon Treaty stinks.

NIGEL FARAGE
The trouble is it's growing.

DAVID CAMERON
The trouble is it's grown.

BRITAIN
We just want our laws to be our own!

Gee Mister Barroso,
We're down on our knees,
We need the Lisbon Treaty like a dose of herpes,
Gee Mister Barroso,
We say this to you,
J Manuel Barroso,
Screw EU!

The (Grace) Kelly Report

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:02:00 +0000

So, Dear Reader, today will see Doctor Kelly lance the festering boil that is the MP's expenses scandal. In his honour, and with the enjoyable spectacle of MPs losing their gravy train ahead, I thought we should have a little song.

[spoken]
I wanna talk to you!
The last time we talked Mr. Kelly you reduced my John Lewis list!
I promise you that won't happen again!

You tried to redact them,
Tried to conceal them behind spin and lies,
Dishonest and dirty,
Grasping and greedy,
Now it's you we despise,
The totals are awesome,
Really it's loathsome,
How you milked us dry!
Why were you greedy?
Living the high life on the cash we supply?

It's time for the verdict of Kelly, (Oooo)
He says your expenses were bad, (Aaaagh)
The size of your claims were just silly, (Mmmmm)
Your sense of entitlement's mad!

We paid for your house,
Paid for your booze,
For you to watch porn on Sky!
You were deceitful,
You were just venal,
Claiming for anything you like!
Don't wanna be mean,
But you were obscene,
Claiming for bath plugs and more!
Why were you greedy?
Why were you greedy?
Why keep on claiming for more?

[spoken]
Saying it was approved by the Fees Office doesn't solve anything!

Why did you do it,
Couldn't you help it,
Didn't you know what we'd think?
It was just crazy,
Trust has decayed,
And now your career's down the sink!
Why were you greedy?
Why were you greedy?
Couldn't you restrain yourself?
Now it's all over,
We will no longer increase your personal wealth!

It's time for the verdict of Kelly, (Oooo)
He says your expenses were bad, (Aaaagh)
The size of your claims were just silly, (Mmmmm)
Your sense of entitlement's mad!

We paid for your house,
Paid for your booze,
For you to watch porn on Sky!
You were deceitful,
You were just venal,
Claiming for anything you like!
Don't wanna be mean,
But you were obscene,
Claiming for bath plugs and more!
Why were you greedy?
Why were you greedy?
Why keep on claiming for more?

You claimed what you want to satisfy yourself!
But we only want to pay for what you need to do your job, not what you want!

We paid for your house,
Paid for your booze,
For you to watch porn on Sky!
You were deceitful,
You were just venal,
Claiming for anything you like!
Don't wanna be mean,
But you were obscene,
Claiming for bath plugs and more!
Why were you greedy?
Why were you greedy?
Claiming for more!

We paid for your house,
Paid for your booze,
For you to watch porn on Sky!
You were deceitful,
You were just venal,
Claiming for anything you like!
Don't wanna be mean,
But you were obscene,
Claiming for bath plugs and more!
Why were you greedy?
Why were you greedy?
Claiming for more!

Ooooooooooo!

[spoken]
Come the election... you're Leaving.

Kaching-ah!

New EU President Will Be British

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:59:00 +0000

The new EU President prepares for his first public address.

The ~~Eurasia~~ European Parliament have today announced that there will not, as expected, be an election for the position of EU President, but that instead the Parliament have appointed the 'best candidate by kilometres' for the role.

A spokesman for the EU said, "we needed someone with gravitas, statesmanship and style, who has a history of unifying European interests and peoples, and who genuinely cares. Obviously that ruled out Tony Blair on all counts.

"So after a lengthy period of consultation, we have decided that the only person meeting all categories is Stuart Hall".

The EU pronouncement has been met with consternation in the soon-to-be-abolished British Government. A Downing Street spokesman said, "we're disappointed that the EU has appointed a funny man, because we were firmly convinced that David Millipede was enough of a fucking joke by himself".

President-Elect Hall welcomed the appointment, saying that the role 'should be a laugh'.

In a related development, it has been announced that with immediate effect, all national anthems are abolished, and countries will be required to play the new EuroNational Anthem at functions and sporting events.

The new EuroAnthem can be found here.

BREAKING: British Government to be Dissolved

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:42:00 +0000

Eurasia is formed.

The British Government is to be abolished with effect from 31 December 2009, it was announced today.

The shock ruling came from the EU Leader Jose Manuel Barroso, immediately after the Lisbon Treaty was ratified by Czech President Vaclav Klaus bringing it into law.

Mr Barroso said, "with the ratification and implementation of the Lisbon Treaty, we are now full-steam-ahead towards our goal of ~~Eurasia~~ a United States of Europe, in accordance with the dreams of those who have tried the project before. Obviously, as this will require central funding and a centralised approach to governance, it is important that we cut costs and deadwood from the European political process".

He added, "our research into deadwood indicated that because the British Government couldn't be bothered to negotiate, didn't give their people a referendum on the Treaty or even have a fully-briefed Europe Minister, they clearly don't feel the need to govern their country.

"Therefore, with effect from 31 December, Great Britain's Government and Parliament will be dissolved and all legislative decisions affecting the country will be taken by the European Parliament".

Mr Barroso added that he expected to introduce the Euro into Britain by mid-2010, and that by 2014 the UK would likely be subsumed into Germany as an administrative district 'for voting purposes'.

When approached for comment, Germany's Angela Merkel was barely able to control her laughter as she said, "if you didn't want to be part of it, you should have voted - oh, you weren't allowed to, were you?".

Soon-to-be-ex Prime Minister Gollum Brown was too busy getting on with the job for comment.

Brown Wants Charity

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 09:21:00 +0000

Brown: "I want to get involved with Charity. God knows I'll need it."

Prime Minister Gollum Brown has said he wants to get involved with charities when he leaves office, rather than go on the more usual speaking tour.

Yep, I think that's about right. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind would pay money to listen to the discredited, monotonal ramblings of the wonky-jawed one, so that's the lecture circuit right out.

As for other employment prospects - well, I really can't see him with a bank directorship, can you? He'd sit on any bank's letterhead with all the positive presence of a turd on a bedspread - the man who broke all the banks, not just the one at Monte Carlo.

It's also reasonable to assume that the parsimonious, prudent PM [insert uncontrollable giggling here] managed his personal finances with the same finesse and skill that he used on the country's. So we can expect that he's been assuring poor Sarah that his bank balance has shown eleventy-million quarters of growth, and that his family is uniquely placed to weather his upcoming and inevitable career change much better than any other Prime Minister in history. What he means, of course, is that he's got an overdraft the size of the RBS toxic-debt book, all his credit cards are maxed-out and he'll have to sell his children to cover the debts next year.

Unbelievably, therefore, I actually agree with something Gollum's said. Just like him, I'm expecting that within twelve months of the General Election he will, indeed, be working closely with the charitable sector.

Chiefly Shelter to get himself a new blanket, and the Salvation Army for a nice warm mug of soup.

David Wilshire Apologises. Sort Of. . .

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 07:08:00 +0000

Wilshire. Along with several other MPs, should be added to the Thesaurus under 'Thief'.

. . So I will too. Sort of.

I note that David Wilshire MPiggie, who so inventively attempted to link his self-inflicted predicament with that of the victims of the Holocaust, has apologised for such an attempt.

Well, when I say 'has apologised', what I MEAN is that he's been forced to issue the usual 'you didn't actually understand what I was saying' grudging pseudo-sorry by Forehead Cameron.

Well, in the spirit of regret and apology, I should do similar.

I'm sorry that I didn't make it clear enough that David Wilshire MPiggie is a loathsome, venal, grasping lowlife who manipulated the 'rules' on expenses and business payments to milk the taxpayer out of £100k, and that quite frankly he should lose the whip not for his crass comments on the Holocaust, but for his misappropriation of public funds.

I hope that's clearer now.

Wayne Rooney Junior.

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:20:00 +0000

I'm not normally a 'Hello' magazine type, but my hearty congratulations to Mr W Rooney Esq and his lovely ~~WAG~~wife on the birth of their first child. I'm sure it didn't take him too many attempts to work out how it happened.

I understand from the reactions of those delivery-room staff who were first to see the newborn, he's to be named, "Aaaaaaaargh!".

A Nursery Rhyme for the Modern Age

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:55:00 +0000

This Thieving Piggie bought a duck-house;

This Thieving Piggie stayed at home (and had a wank on public money);

This Thieving Piggie claimed exorbitant fees,

This Thieving Piggie housed his Mum.

. . . and THIS Thieving Piggie trousered plenty of cash, and set up lots of pointless enquiries so that he can whitewash the findings and keep his mates troughing all the way home.

Rebutting David Wilshire MPiggie

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:08:00 +0000

Wilshire: Should be wearing an armband declaring 'Greedy, Thieving Bastard'.

Disgraced MP David Wilshire, who was forced to resign after paying over £100,000 in expenses to his own company (utterly within the rules, agreed by the Fees Office, not really a larcenous, mendacious little MPiggie with his snout firmly in the taxpayer trough yada yada yada . . . ) has compared the 'plight' of MPs to that of the Jews under the Nazis.

Money Quote:
“Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to Hitler’s gas chambers".

Ooookay. I reckon I can keep my rage under control just long enough to respond.

It's a worthy attempt by the Right Dishonourable 'Gentleman' to assume victim status, but even the briefest of examinations reduces his position to risibility.

Under the Nazis, the Jews were forced to wear the yellow star, clearly marking them to the population. Sadly, Members of Parliament are not forced to wear an armband declaring 'Greedy Thieving Bastard'.

Jews were not permitted to own businesses. Mr Wilshire's own clever spot of creative accountancy shows that Members of Parliament can, and do - and that they are extremely clever at milking public money into those personally-owned businesses. One wonders if Mr Wilshire worked as tirelessly at gaining investment for his constituency as he did for his personal accounts.

Under the Nazis, Jews were forced into camps - not paid vast sums from the public purse for a lavishly-decorated second home. Jews were used as slave labour - one would have to be quite spectacularly deluded, completely deranged or a Member of Parliament to see a backbencher's £64,000 salary, gold-plated index-linked Pension fund and cushy directorships as slave labour.

Finally and most damningly, the Jews were hounded, persecuted and exterminated in their millions simply for their religion. The 646 Little Parliamentary Piggies are 'victims' of nothing more than the realisation in the Electorate that they are, largely, grasping avaricious toads with no more worthy aspiration than to live the high life on the money we pay the State.

Mr Wilshire calls the actions of the Telegraph and those who exposed the expenses scandal a 'witch hunt'. It is not. It is the quite justified exposure of the greed of many MPs, who seem to have spent their time in Parliament acting solely in their own interests - sometimes to the detriment of the country (yes, I'm looking at YOU, Caroline Flint).

To compare oneself to the victims of the Holocaust requires not just insensitivity and tactlessness - it requires an arrogance that quite simply beggars belief, and an overinflated sense of importance beyond insanity, much less imagining. Mr Wilshire - if your dishonesty and avarice was insufficient to disbar you from the House, your crass arrogance definitely does.

Those MPs who feel that they are the victims of a Kristallnacht-esque attack should, perhaps, look at their own actions to understand the reasons. The Jews were blameless in the atrocities they suffered - the House of Commons has brought this so-called Holocaust upon themselves.

Mr Wilshire, kindly keep your self-pitying whinges to yourself, stand down sooner rather than later and crawl back under the rock from whence you came. Because I think after comments like these, there will be plenty of people willing to have a whip-round to buy you some Zyklon B.

h/t to Heresy Corner on Twitter for finding this spot of self=delusion.

Blair Standing For Second Presidency

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:56:00 +0000

Beeblebrox: 'a strong contender against Blair'.

Following the revelation that his planned ascension to the Presidency of Europe is likely to fail, former Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced his intention to stand as a candidate for a further Presidency.

A source close to the ex-PM said that while the continent-wide antipathy toward his European candidacy for a position that doesn't even exist yet was 'upsetting', Mr Blair still felt that he had 'a lot to offer' the world as a political leader.

Speaking from his ~~secret lair~~ campaign headquarters inside a hollowed-out volcano, Mr Blair spoke exclusively to The Diary of his intention to stand for the position of President of the Galaxy, once faster-than-light travel is finally invented.

"It's the logical career progression for a venerated Statesman such as myself", Mr Blair said. "Now obviously, with the Lisbon Treaty yet to be ratified, I have been campaigning for a vacancy that didn't exist, and of course it is the same with the Presidency of the Galaxy. But I'm confident that with my assistance and support, science can make the necessary leaps to discover intergalactic travel - and once they do, then I will stand as the Presidential Candidate. I certainly have all the skills required of such a position".

The former PM pointed to his history of successful governance of the UK, and his successful mediation of the Middle-East crisis, as reasons why he should rule the Universe before being interrupted by a call from his mentor at Megalomaniacs Anonymous.

Political pundits have pointed out that Mr Blair is likely to face stiff competition for his Presidential place. Paul Votecounter, a spokesman for politicalbetting.com, said, "there are a number of valid candidates who would make Blair's candidacy far from guaranteed. These include the incumbent, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Ming the Merciless for the Lib Dems, and a strong showing for Davros, who's planning on 'exterminating' the opposition for the BNP.

"When allied to the fact that we can barely escape the gravity-well of this planet, we are currently giving Tony Blair odds of 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:1 to take the Presidency."

However, there was a more positive respose from European political leaders, who have all volunteered to fund a space project to shove an Ariane rocket up Blair's arse and fire the grinning fool into orbit.

El Presidente and the Millipede

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:22:00 +0000

Blair Presidency; "my chance to screw up not just a country, but a whole continent".

I heard something absolutely hilarious on the Today Program this morning. You're gonna love this.

Obviously we had the usual the assumptions from all parties now that the Lisbon Treaty is full-steam-ahead for ratification.

Then, amusingly enough, there were the speculations about the likelihood of nomination for El Presidente Blair. Well, I can see why he might be in the frame. Many have committed war-crimes over the years in an attempt to unify Europe or parts thereof, so it would seem logical that once the Lisbon Treaty is ratified and we're all part of the United States of Europe, we should have a war-criminal as the leader. Simples.

Many pundits and sources feel he's unlikely to get the Presidency - there's reportedly a groundswell of opinion against him among smaller nations, and on top of that the Germans, French and Spanish are either opposed or, in the case of Angela Merkel, volubly and expressively silent on the matter of his candidacy. Vengeance for his stance on Iraq and his repeated fellating of President Shrub? One hopes so.

That said, he's probably screwed anyway. Firstly, he's reportedly receiving the backing of Gollum. And as we all know, from football teams to finance houses, if Gordon gives you his support that's you completely, utterly and royally buggered - normally in an interesting and unexpected manner.

Secondly, it's being reported that he's being backed by Silvio 'I am not a crook' Berlusconi, Which is rather like being proposed for a bank-managers' job by Ronnie Biggs. One wonders if Tessa Jowell had any input on that. Or perhaps there are incriminating recordings of an intimate tryst between Mr Berlusconi and Cherie the Wide-Mouth Frog?

Thirdly and most critically, the leaders of the EU nations have eyes in their heads and brains in their skulls. They can see what's happened in the UK under a 'New Labour' approach. I would very much doubt that the nations of Europe wish to see the entire continent treated to a tax-and-spend spinfest to the tune of 'Things Can Only Get Better'.

But, dear Reader, that wasn't the really funny part. While all this speculation about the arch-grinner's Ascension is diverting, the punchline was yet to come.

David Millipede in the frame for the EU Foreign Minister's job.

Yep - David Millipede.

Of course, you'll remember that his hard-line negotiation led to. . . er. . . um. . . Well, then there was his speech on . . . let me think. . . er . . . And his decisive actions in respect of. . . .um . . . I suppose he did sterling work for the banana industry.

In all seriousness, Millipede? The man has all the statesmanship, presence and gravitas of Jimmy Fucking Krankie. Henry Kissinger he ain't.

But in truth, if Millipede buggers off to Brussels it's a good thing for this country, so that leads me to a small suggestion.

We should positively promote The Ex-Dishonourable T. Bliar for the EU Presidency. Give 'em Tony and Millipede - and as a sweetener to the deal we'll throw in Gollum as EU Finance Minister. You can even have Eyebrows, Blakey and Blinky as EU Court Jesters.

Then we'll withdraw from the EU, and the foreigners can have eleventy-million quarters of unprecedented economic growth followed by stagnation, recession and bankruptcy. See how they like it.

The One-Eyed Scottish Moron

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:20:00 +0000

Well, it's now pretty clear that Gollum and Eyebrows were absolutely right, and Britain was uniquely-placed to face the longest Recession on record.

Specifically, we were uniquely badly placed, as I think we can all now see.

So in these straitened and troubled times, I'd like to offer a spot of humour, by way of one of my favourite performance poems. Unfortunately, I couldn't make my version humorous, as there's nothing in this Nation's finances to smile about.

Enjoy the video.

There's a one-eyed Scottish moron
Claims dominion over you,
From his bunker in the centre of the town;
And a brokenhearted Britain,
Mourns the nation we once knew
As the Labour Party brings this country down.

And the ZanuLiebore crew,
Taxed us all far more than due,
And performed more ills than I'm inclined to tell,
For their military pranks,
They are hated in the ranks,
And a laughing-stock throughout the world as well.

Some of us knew all along,
That New Labour would do wrong,
And a sad return to dark days would befall,
But we hadn't counted on,
When the Bliar was finally gone,
Was the moron and his mates - Straw, Hoon and Balls.

So returning to the present,
Government without a clue,
And the moron's mad behaviour, strange and odd,
We all know it's just a pretence,
And they don't know what to do,
So it's further into bankruptcy we plod.

Now the people are forlorn
Wallets empty, hope stillborn,
As recession drives us deeper in the red,
We could fix it straight away,
If the Tories had their day,
But more Labour slaughter,
Still remains ahead.

There's a one-eyed Scottish moron
Claims dominion over you,
From his bunker in the centre of the town;
And a brokenhearted Britain,
Mourns the nation we once knew
As the Labour Party brings this country down.

Children of Britain!

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

"...hardly a week passed by in which The Times did not carry a paragraph describing how some eavesdropping little sneak - 'child hero' was the phrase generally used - had overheard some compromsing remark and denounced its parents to the Thought Police." 1984, George Orwell.

Children of Britain! Adults are evil.

They are not allowed to supervise you at play. They are adults, therefore they are paedophiles.

They are responsible for the destruction of the planet. They are adults, therefore they are planet-killers.

They make the rules that stifle the personal expression of young people. They are adults, therefore they are dictators.

Children of Britain! Adults are evil creatures who cannot be trusted to look after your own best interests. Labour loves you. Labour cares.

Labour make sure that your time in Reception-class is not wasted with reading and writing, but instead learning what food has too much salt in so you can educate your parents*.

Labour make sure that your Reception reading books have no words in so that your imagination can run free and unfettered by nasty things like literacy*.

Labour make sure that you can rob people's houses and, if the nasty adults defend themselves and their property, THEY go to jail.

Labour make sure that you have a nice benefits system so that you can breed at will and be paid for it. And the teachers will help your friends to do the same.

Labour and her friends make sure that there's plenty of celebrity news on telly, so that you don't have to bother your heads with independent thought.

Children of Britain! Do not trust grownups. Grownups don't care for you like Labour does.

Watch the grownups around you, and report their crimes whenever you can.

Children of Britain! Love Labour. Join the Junior Spies today.

*These actually happened with Dungeekin Minor. Parents' Evening is next week and yes, it is going to be interesting.

MPs Allowances: A Load of Barracks

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:58:00 +0000

"Welcome to Westminster. Here's your bunk".

We're currently being treated to the marvelous sight of MPs wailing, wringing their teeth and gnashing their hands at the prospect of their troughing being limited somewhat. And, of course, it's all just an act.

Legg wants to ban spouses working for their MP husbands, or offspring being given juicy little researching jobs by Daddy or Mummy. Good soundbite - but we know it can't work because firstly it would be discriminatory, and secondly these experts in loophole-discovery will simply cross-employ to keep the cash in the family.

Kelly wants MPs no longer to have the right to claim mortgage interest, but instead to be made to rent their second homes. Good soundbite - but we know it won't work because of a little thing called 'Buy-To-Let'. MP #1 buys a property, lets it to MP #2, who claims the rental back. Meanwhile, MP #2 buys a property, and lets it to MP #1. Who claims the rental back. Two mortgages paid, two properties owned, two little piggies with snouts still in the trough and a placated populace. Simples.

The sad fact is, all this hair-shirt wearing, all these enquiries and announcements are simply the preparatory steps in organising yet another inflation-busting salary increase for our glorious leaders.

Well, I have a small suggestion - a solution to the vexed question of MP's accommodation.

MPs are (supposedly) public servants. And while I appreciate that a majority do need somewhere to stay in London, as public servants they should be required to adhere to the same rules as other public servants.

Barracks.

When servicemen are stationed in the UK, they reside in barracks. They don't have to do so - they can stay wheresoever they choose - but if they want to live somewhere outside the military fences, they do so out of their own pocket. I was based in barracks when I was in Scotland, and also in Northwood. It's the way the military works - and it makes sense for MPs.

We are currently spending an astronomical sum of money building the Olympic Village to house athletes, coaches and various hangers-on in 2012. That means that after the Games we will have a nicely-contained area with plenty of accommodation available for use. It will already have been built with the coin of the public purse, and given the international nature of the sporting event it was built for will have good communication links. It will have excellent public transport, and because it's a single location will be easier and cheaper to secure and patrol than numerous private residences.

A self-contained accommodation complex for MPs with good communications links, meeting areas, plenty of car parking, canteen facilities and everything else the genuine public servant needs, all within a short Tube journey of Westminster.

So - save the long-running inquiries into what should be claimed, what's allowable and how it can be massaged into the Member's wallet. You want to be an MP? You get a healthy salary, and when in London you can stay in barracks. If you don't want to, you don't have to - but you pay for your alternative accommodation out of your own pocket. You know, like a normal person.

Use the Olympic Village as the Parliamentary Crashpad. You know it makes sense*.

*Plus, if you stick 'em all in one place I'll know exactly where to put the tactical nuclear warhead.

What's Mine, Isn't.

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:26:00 +0000

A Council Officer enforcing the Recycling laws.

I always thought that burglary was a simple thing. Some shell-suited, fake-Burberry-wearing Chav scrote kicks in your door, helps himself to your TV, DVD player and valuables, takes a shit on your living-room rug and heads out. Simples. Of course, in recent years I've also known that when you get burgled you're supposed to help the chav scrote carry your stuff out to his Saxo before you can get a crime number from Plod and start the interminable argument with your insurers.

But the point is that I'd always thought that burglary was illegal. That is, it was Against The Law.

Clearly, I was wrong. Burglary is now the domain of the State, I'm delighted to report.

The right to search homes, seize cash, freeze bank accounts and confiscate property will be given to town hall officials and civilian investigators employed by organisations as diverse as Royal Mail, the Rural Payments Agency and Transport for London. The Proceeds of Crime act will now be used against fare dodgers, families in arrears with council tax and other 'minor offenders'.

Oh, lovely. So forget about the shell-suited chav - now all it will take is a mustachioed council Jobsworth with a clipboard and dubious social skills to leave your house empty.

Imagine, dear Reader. Given that once they were given the right, Councils used anti-terror laws to monitor bin collections, school catchment areas and even teenage smokers, just how do you imagine the local officious brigade will implement their newly-garnered rights?

Got a parking ticket? We'll have your car, you evil miscreant. Oh dear, your Council Tax payment's a month late. That'll cost you your telly and your next years' wages, thanks very much. And God help you if you put the wrong plastic in your recycling bin. because we'll repossess your wife and sell her into white slavery, mortgage your children on the internet and flog the family dog to an environmentally-friendly sausage factory. You're a criminal, you deserve it.

The only upside I can see is that it's unlikely the Council Official will crap on your carpet.

In one stroke, this legislation effectively nationalises property. You no longer own the goods you purchased with the sweat from your brow - you merely borrow them from the State, and they will now have the right to remove those goods, legally and at a whim, on the flimsiest of premises.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "well, OK, this is awful law, yet again trampling on the rights of ordinary hard-working citizens and lumping them, yet again, in with criminals. But it's alright, we only have to wait until the General Election and the Conservatives will repeal it". Right?

Wrong, I'm afraid. Not a bit of it.

Remember, the country (and thus the Government) is skint. They've run up a level of debt beyond all comprehension. They don't have money, and they can't tax us any more than they already are. So they need some way to get their hands on what little we have remaining.

By using dubious laws to seize our personal property, the State achieves a triple whammy. One, they nick your stuff and flog it, raising immediate cash. Two, the proceeds can be used by the councils to supplement their budgets, meaning the Government has to give them less. Thirdly (and this is the sheer genius) YOU have to buy a replacement for whatever they've yaffled. Which puts money into circulation in the economy and allows the Government to point to recovery.

Sheer genius. Well done, chaps. Even at my most eloquent, I cannot find the words to elucidate just how much I fucking hate you.

X-Factor 'Stars' Announce New Contract

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Harpic's latest design of toilet brush.

X-Factor contestants John and Edward have signed a new advertising contract, it was announced today.

John and Edward Grimes, the nineteen-year-old twins who have entertained X-Factor audiences with their unprecedented lack of talent, have officially signed as the new faces of Harpic, and will be involved the the promotion of a new line of toilet products.

A spokesman for Harpic said, "John and Edward have shown that they are the ideal people to front our new campaign. It's not that they have the dance skills of John Sergeant and the musical talent of a disgruntled wildebeest - it's their hair. Who can say that they haven't watched these two, with their stupid reedy voices and their stupid disjointed 'dance' moves and their stupid 80's-reject fluorescent suits, without wanting to shove their heads down the nearest WC?

"Our scientists have analysed the haircuts of the twins and have established that their coiffures will remove all bacteria and limescale even right below the waterline."

Harpic's new product, the 'J&E Brush', will differ from normal toilet products in that it will be purely online. Consumers will register their details with Harpic and, at a cost of £29.99 per quarter, will receive a fortnightly visit from either John or Edward, at which point they will be able to shove the talentless cretin's head firmly into their bog bowl. Flushes will be limited to a maximum of five or the drowing of the wannabe, whichever comes first.

A source for Harpic confirmed that Simon Cowell has already booked both John and Edward for lengthy bog-washes every day for the next five years.

Eat Your Greens

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:47:00 +0000

Save the World! Eat meat....or not...or something.

Oh, for the love of all that's holy. . . .

We now have the worthy Lord Stern, sternly telling us that we must become vegan for the good of the planet. Oooookaay... Would you greenies PLEASE get your stories straight?

While his nobleness is instructing us to go vegan for Gaia, wasn't it just a couple of days ago that some other tree-hugging enviro-whackjob was telling us to get pets we can eat, because Rover's worse than a Range Rover?

Yep. That they were.

It's hardly pushing a consistent message, is it? If both articles are true, then eating meat is both good and bad for the planet. Personally, given that you lot are clearly so utterly addled from protein deficiency you can't make any sense, I'll play it safe and carry on eating bacon sandwiches and the odd steak, thanks.

His Lordship neatly links eating meat with drink-driving. Bonus points for the emotive linking of issues, there, I thought. So, by that logic, me eating a hamburger is roughly equivalent to downing ten pints then mowing down a bus-stop's worth of pensioners? If I may hazard a guess, I'd say that the veggies Lord Stern chows down on contain rather too much THC for rational thought.

And that, dear Reader, is the problem with the environmental debate.

This debate isn't about rational science, because rational scientists are divided about causes, effects and solutions to a problem that may or may not be happening. Instead, it's become a politcal toy, a divisive issue that is more about dogma than dogs, more credo than carbon.

Lord Stern is a vegetarian, and therefore by definition mad. So he uses the climate question to further his own agenda of having the entire population subsist solely on cabbage. Robert and Brenda Vale simply don't like pets - perhaps their parents wouldn't let them have a gerbil, or something - so they use the climate question to further their own dislike of animal ownership.

Well, I've been doing my own research.

I have discovered that environmental campaigners produce gaseous emissions in proportions far greater than the average beef cow. In fact, an analysis of Lord Stern shows that he alone produces more damaging wind than the entire Virgin fleet of 747s. So, really, there's only one solution.

I am calling for environmental campaigners to become as socially-unacceptable as wife-beaters (there, do you see how easy the emotive link is?). And I think the best way to solve all the crises of the planet is to kill and eat anyone who bleats on about lowering carbon emissions, getting rid of airliners, or taxing whatever it is they don't agree with in the name of the environment.

In a stroke, we'd reduce the amount of noxious, damaging hot air being pumped into the atmosphere. We'd save the forests, because we'd get rid of the reams of paper spouting pointless, scienceless opinions about 'climate change'. We'd even make an impact into the food crisis, because getting rid of this lot would not only provide meat, but allow us all to eat the salad they'd have as a main course as a side to our sirloin.

And most importantly, it would ensure that they shut the fuck up.

I commend the idea to the House.

If Mine Speech Offends Thee. . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:23:00 +0000

I would like, if I may, to ponder a little on the vexatious subject of Freedom of Speech*. Because I think I have finally found a solution.

As we all know, this issue has been front of many minds in recent weeks, from the great minds of the Blogosphere to the lesser ones of the Government and BBC and, of course, the tiny ones of the BNP and UAF. All have their own view on what constitutes freedom of speech, and where the 'limits' on such a freedom should be. What's interesting is how many of those involved are completely unable to see the irony inherent in their own positions.

The UAF, for example, throw tantrums, scream and smash things up, calling that the BNP should not have a platform, should be banned, should not be able to speak or debate their (stupid, bigoted and abhorrent) position. They say 'freedom of speech should be denied to Nazis'. The BNP and others rail against the (vile) speeches of Islamic fundamentalists. They say, "freedom of speech should be denied to religious extremists". The Guardianistas fall over in a swoon at Jimmy Carr's (tasteless) 'joke', and say, "he should not be allowed to say such things!".

Yet what they actually mean - and what all those who claim that there are things you cannot say actually mean - is this:

"Freedom of Speech should be denied to those who disagree with us".

It used to be that the limit on Freedom of Speech was the incitement of violence. That was quickly superseded by the somewhat more nebulous concept of 'inciting hatred'. Now it seems that has morphed again into a call for capital punishment against all those who cause offence.

The problem is, though, that almost everyone offends someone. Whatever your theory, whatever your position, however you say it, you'll offend someone. Gordon Brown, for example, offends me. I have managed to offend the BNP, the UAF, the Government and Islam in the space of just four days.

Jeremy Clarkson offends lorry drivers, prostitutes, feminists and eco-warriors. These same Greenies offend anyone who believes in proper scientific methods, who in turn offend Creationists, who in their turn offend the sane. Jan Moir offends homosexuals, who offend Christians, who offend Muslims, who offend the BNP, who offend the UAF. Jimmy Carr offends the Olympic Committee and, probably, the legless. Simon Cowell offends everyone.

It's never-ending - an eternal, unbroken circle of pissed-offedness. The only person who never offends anyone is Nick Clegg, and that's because he never says or does anything and nobody knows who he is.** It's clear to me now that with hard work, determination and creativity absolutely anyone can be offended by absolutely anything.

There is, quite clearly, only one solution. Ban speech.

Ban expression in all forms and formats.*** It is only by breaking the continual cycle of communication with others that we will reach the Nirvana of nobody ever being offended by anyone ever again, and we will all live happily ever after. Or something.

Politics and religion will never again be able to sully your ears and divide your communities. People would no longer be polarised by opinion, nothing divisive would ever be said, written or printed. Disagreement and argument would simply disappear. Mankind would live together as one, united in silence, never offending another soul.

Of course - you would lose the ability to love or to express joy. Laughter would be a thing of the past too, because the subject of your laughter may be someone else's misfortune. Forget controlling your children, or having a voice in the running of your country, or taking part in events that shape your life. But that's a small price to pay, really. After all, it's worth it if nobody is ever offended, ever again.

Isn't it?

Sorry if that caused offence.

* I am using the term 'speech' to encompass all forms of communication, written or spoken - just in case anyone is offended by my apparent discrimination against the spoken word.
**Now I think of it, that offends me.
***I would have suggested limiting human interaction to conversations about the weather, but my research indicates that most of Southern England was offended by Michael Fish's weather forecast in 1987, so that's out too.

Enlightening. Or Not.

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:54:00 +0000

I would dearly love to meet the individual who one day thought, "you know what? It would be a great idea to move the clocks back and forward an hour at an arbitrarily-designated point. That would be neato!". And I hope that when I meet this individual, I'm heavily armed.

The clueless imbecile who postulated this clearly owned neither children nor dogs when s/he/it came up with what no doubt seemed like a fantastic wheeze over a pint or thirteen of mead.

Both The Dog and The Boy wake up when it gets light. Which means they wake up an hour earlier. Which means the clock-change isn't an extra hour in bed, it's getting up an hour earlier. And remaining awake an hour longer. Which means I feel lagged, tired, blurry and borderline homicidal (or rather, more homicidal than normal).

I've heard all the reasons and excuses why this anachronism, this festering pustule on the bottom of commonsense remains in place, the best of which was that it's safer to have an extra hour of daylight in the morning as there's less risk of injury to schoolchildren when they're walking to school in the morning. What? What form of insanity is this? No parent in this country dares allow their children to walk to school any more, as we all know that if they did they'd instantly be ravished, murdered and probably eaten by gangs of roving paedophiles. So forget that one.

Another one is that it gives British farmers an extra hour of light. Why? So they can have an extra glorious hour watching the fields that aren't growing anything because of CAP subsidies? I could perhaps understand it being constituted back in the Middle Ages, when the entire population were growing their own dung, but not now when anyone who DID work in agriculture is now either running a theme park, working in a call-centre or Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. And I don't see why everyone should suffer just because of him.

Or perhaps it's for the Scots, as they're virtually in the Arctic Circle. Well, I say tough. Having been in Ullapool in June, it's light until almost bloody midnight so the Jocks get more than their fair share of daylight. If we give them any more they'll just blow it on McEwans and deep-fried Mars Bars anyway.

Most normal people in this country work normal hours between a span of 0800 and 1800. For most people it would be infinitely preferable to have a bit of light remaining in the evening, and the feeling that you have some daylight to yourself, yet instead we still have an outdated timechange that serves absolutely nobody except a small minority that can't even clearly be defined.

Give me my daylight back, you bastards. Or I shall be forced to illuminate my world by setting anyone even remotely connected to the concept of British Summertime on fire.

Yes, it's Monday. And yes, I'm grumpy. Why do you ask?

Mine Eyes Have Seen. . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Dungeekin) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 06:56:00 +0000

With news of the longest, deepest Recession since records began - all thanks to our Dear Leader and his eleventy-million consecutive quarters of ~~massaged figures and dishonest~~ 'unprecedented growth', I think it's time for a hymn. After all, pretty much all we have left now is prayer.

Mine eyes have seen the damage of the leadership of Gord,
He has left the country crippled with a debt we can't afford,
Thanks to him our country's managed by an unelected Lord,
And he just keeps droning on.
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! He just keeps droning on.

Why he chose to sell the gold off is beyond the wit of man,
He's taxed populace and companies for every cent he can,
Yet despite this our economy has slithered down the pan,
Recession dragging on!
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! Recession dragging on.

With his scruffy look and wonky jaw he hardly looks ideal.
We can safely say that Bernard Manning had more sex appeal,
And his speeches are delusional, dishonest and surreal,
And he just keeps blundering on.
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! He just keeps blundering on.

In this darkest of recessions he still can't admit defeat,
Won't admit that his decisions have destroyed the balance sheet,
So he'll "get on with the job" until we chuck him on the street,
The public want him gone!
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! The public want him gone.

He has made himself a laughing stock both here and 'cross the sea,
And his sorry lack of statesmanship reflects on you and me:
And we pray for an election so we'll finally be free;
From Gord still droning on.
Boring, boring what a loser! Boring, boring what a loser,
Boring, boring what a loser! He just keeps droning on.