The Diary of an Author

Adulting: use a moral compass and you'll never be lost

2016-09-05T23:53:00.002-07:00

Let's take a stereotypical blonde female running away from
demons, make her turn around and kick their ass.

‘You think you know what’s to come... what you are. You haven’t even begun.’ Joss Whedon, ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’.

Ok, ok, the quote may or may not be an indication of binge watching said TV show, but my goodness I’d forgotten what an impactful quote it was. I’m also reminded of my flirtation with dark romanticism; when I thought it would be very cool to be a vampire or some sort of Transylvanian concubine. Well, I say vampire, but I mean a vegan one, or a vampire with a blood intolerance… Essentially, I’d take the living forever and being ultra badass, just without all the killing and blood-letting. (Although, if you’re not drinking blood and killing people and you have a baby face, then I don’t really think you can use the words ultra badass – in fact, I don’t think you can even say badass. Equally, I wouldn’t want to be likened to Edward from Twilight; I like to think I’d have more sass than him. I’ll ponder on this.)

Anyway, that period of my life is also reflective of the quote above. I was around 22 years old when I first heard it and I hadn’t even come out yet… But I knew it was coming. My self-realisation/actualisation was all part of the journey, and I remember thinking that coming out would be the final piece completing the Corina puzzle. I think it’s ok to take a meaningful quote about a vampire-slaying hero ultimately becoming a much more powerful and awesome version of herself and apply it to little old me studying Sports Coaching and Rehabilitation and thinking she might fancy girls. That’s the beauty of Joss Whedon’s writing, he really does speak to your soul – or at least he spoke to mine. It’s a clever metaphorical play on demons (aka the Big Bad), strong independent female characters and having a resilient moral compass. And, of course, there’s the blonde badass woman who gets to punch evil things in the face.

Lately, I’ve felt a bit like I’m 22 again, not because I’m out partying every night (although, apparently, Facebook implies otherwise – see social media tripe)… It’s more about feeling that I’m at a crossroads again. When I was in Perth, I had sold everything from my past ‘life’; I literally owned a few boxes of stuff. I remember sitting in my room surrounded by a few boxes thinking, who am I? And why in my late 30's am I asking myself that question? Surely by now I should have figured things out? Why did a fully furnished house and a partner make me feel like I knew who I was? How terribly materialistic! Why am I talking to myself in my head? Have I lost my mind?

A couple of sad events have happened recently, and it was while listening to the quote above that I thought I should do something brave – a solo road trip – which might not be saving people from burning buildings or thrusting a stake heroically through vampire hearts, but for little old me it feels brave. Then I thought of my cousin’s wife and how she was a hero donating her organs after passing away from a stroke, to save other people. I also thought of my Uncle Peter who is also a hero, fighting MND every day. I wanted to do a little something for them both, so I thought what better way than to dress as one of my ultimate heroes and be Batman (Wonder Woman’s attire would have been obscene in my current shape, and Superman doesn’t have a cool mask) to raise money for the Brain Research Trust*, while pushing myself out of my comfort zone and travelling solo even further off the chart. I will be driving around Great Ocean Road and covering just over 500km, 200km section of that will be as Batman around some key tourist spots!

Having always been secretly jealous of kids being able to wake up in the morning and tell their mums they want to dress as Queen Elsa or Spiderman – or any other fantasy character – for the day, I’m also going to have a lot of fun doing it. At my sister’s wedding, I was majorly jealous of a small child dressed as a storm trooper – so I figure it’ll be good for me to wake up and randomly dress as Batman.

Proof of me at Bells Beach, Great Ocean Road,
dressed as Batman.

I’m actually a little excited, as well as nervous, about sticking out like a sore thumb along Australia’s Great Ocean Road. But I’m thinking of it as a journey that will push my own personal boundaries, inspired by the above quote, and keep me pushing myself whilst trying to do something worthwhile – not quite like Buffy – raising funds to research possible causes and treatments for neurological conditions. I couldn’t be there for my cousin as we are on opposite sides of the planet, and hope this is a way to show that he is constantly in my thoughts.

I am taking some time out and my mini break from 1 September (which will probably be long gone by the time this is published), means I will also be throwing myself into working on my book, which, as you know is now in edit, or in utero as I affectionately like to say. We’re about a third of the way through now, and I have a brilliant editor who has been a massive help on my journey and is now doing more hours per month. So the good news is that things are looking up for having the book ready to approach publishers with by the end of the year. It is starting to look and feel more like a proper novel, rather than a first draft of ideas thrown onto a page! As you know, the blog is to entice you into one day reading the said novel. It has been a long and perilous (not really, but I wanted to add some excitement) journey. Thanks to Sophie, it is starting to become a more polished reality, and thanks to Fi, who is sanity checking the readability of the story.

*If you’d like to donate, you can through Justgiving, because me, as Batman, journeying alone along the Great Ocean Road is a little ‘out there’, when I’d rather be blending into the background. In fact, I don’t know why I even said out loud that I would do it: but in a fortnights time I’ll be standing out like a giant polar bear in the outback. By the time this is published, you’ll be able to see evidence that I’ve completed the challenge!

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon-to-be author, and edited by Sophie McClelland.

Psychological armour

2016-08-26T01:02:00.002-07:00

The most important takeaway from this blog

I am not really sure how to start this blog, I want to be as honest as possible, but emotionally I might find that a little tough. My favourite quote at the moment, is a micky take from a Desiree song, ‘life, oh life’ because life is funny, fickle and yet fantastic. However, I do have a strong belief that the people around you dictate whether life is fun, fickle or fantastic. The people around you enable you to stay true to yourself and be the best you can be, a bit like in my previous blog where I said ultimately your partner should bring out the best in you, the same can be said of your friends, colleagues and basically anyone you choose to associate yourself with.

A very simple piece of advice on the face of it, but how do you identify that in others? Also, how do you find the strength, courage and independence to stay true to finding in others everything you wish to be? Loneliness can be misleading as can low self-esteem, which we can all suffer from time to time. We can chase the wrong things, start ‘acting’ out and ultimately causing yourself some serious mental damage as you clash and clatter with your core values.

Living against the grain of who you are is not healthy and focusing on first world material objects causes a tumultuous tirade of negative thoughts. We are naturally hard wired to be kind, that’s how societies were developed and that’s why we have the word ‘culture’, we came together to work together to feed each other, to shelter each other, clothe each other and protect each other. It is the core of what makes us happy and what helps make us resilient. Yet, as a first world we are losing this, notice I stated ‘first world’.

We focus on the negative, we allow a small moment in our day, a tiny molecule of our life to ruin a week… a month or even a year. We focus and obsess over it, I am not criticising this (hence the we)… It’s a first world problem we have created by focusing on the wrong things. The promotion, the new car, the new house, the new iPad, the amazing body... and even when we achieve it, it is not enough and it creates anxiety and depression. We have created, as a society, our own plethora of mental health issues. We can even be guilty of belittling our fellow humanoid who is struggling with depression/anxiety by not acknowledging it is a very real problem. A problem we have created through the way we live.

Don’t believe me? There are small villages in third world countries, with no bed, no shelter, no water… Who have no idea what suicide is! They literally cannot comprehend that someone would take their own life because they are unhappy, when they are fighting so hard to survive. They obviously don’t have a bureau of statistics in these tiny villages, but they estimate 1 in 85 people have a mental illness. Absorb that fact – no water, no shelter… Not even a bed to sleep in. Now compare this to Australia, 1 in 4 adolescents have a mental illness and scarily 1 in 7 primary school kids. Absorb that too.

I am not belittling these issues at all, the reason I am talking about it, is mainly because I have just been through an episode of my own battle. Do you know what the hardest thing for me to do was? Admit it. Why? Because of the stigma attached to it. I functioned, I operated and I got up every day going through the motions – that was literally what I was doing, I was acting but inside I was falling to pieces and a darkness descended upon me and there was no escape. I gave myself a very hard time over this – the self-talk I gave myself was horrible. Which leads to another thing we do not do anymore – be present – aka meditation, turning off our thoughts. We are absorbing 50 times more information per day than we were 20 years ago, that is insane and our brains are constantly absorbing, translating and interpreting what we see and hear. We put ourselves under so much pressure, yet we would not speak to our friends the way we talk to ourselves. I would never belittle a mental illness to a friend, and yet I have to myself in my own head for months!

Think about it… Years ago, before smart phones… I used to walk to the bus stop and I just walked... Sometimes I would listen to my Walkman… But I just walked. Imagine that, totally present and just walking. We don’t really do that anymore, in fact, how many of you are reading this now as you’re sitting on a train or walking along? Again, I’m not criticising, I love technology but sometimes we need to switch off.

We also need to stop focusing on the negative, stop focusing on what we have materialistically and wanting the next best thing. We need to be grateful for what we have right now. My darkness descended from not being where I think I should be and putting pressure on myself, undue pressure and I lost sight of the usual things I am very happy with: My friends, my experiences, my music, exercise and laughing - genuine laughter from genuine human interactions.

Every day we should stop and think of the following three things:

What was the best thing that happened to me today?
Who am I most grateful for today and why?
What am I looking forward to most about tomorrow?

I am just passing this on from a presentation I attended called The Resilience Project, you should look it up. If you can get your work, school or a group of you to book it – you absolutely should. Even if you are currently dancing on air, you never know when a traumatic event can hit your usual happy state and you need to mentally be at your most resilient. Hugh van Cuylenburg is an awesome speaker… I cannot recommend enough.

I am not trying to be all dancing on air and OTT with isn’t life great, because sometimes it is genuinely shit. Sometimes life is unfair, but don’t ever, EVER, let that feeling escalate to the point that you no longer want to experience it. Because, my goodness, there are some amazing things that suddenly come along and they literally come from nowhere. When those things happen then you realise why you were on the path you were, again that is so clichéd but you don’t realise how true it is until something comes along that blows your socks off. It is really worth staggering through the tough times, and how you stagger through is as I explained above, (it has been proved by science with data and everything.) you need to build your resilience, or a psychological armour if you will. So to emphasise how you do this – gratitude: ask those three questions listed above every day, mindfulness: meditate and stop your negative self-talk, and finally, empathy: do something nice for someone else – think of other people.

I say this quite often to my friends, because I want there to be absolutely no doubt in their minds that I don’t care how trivial they think something is: if it is 3am in the morning and they need someone, then they call me. No problem is too small, any problem should be shared and you should always feel like you can call. All of your friends would say that to you, always remember that and never feel alone. It's ok to say you're not ok.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author.

When the 'in' really counts - inequality vs equality

2016-08-21T20:18:00.003-07:00

We need to get inventive with the way we bridge the gap

I am on a writing adventure whilst at home: suddenly there is so much I want to write about. Although my mother nearly put me off writing about this topic when she said, ‘Recently, some of your blogs read like they were written by an angry lesbian’, which both amused me but also got me thinking that maybe my writing style (when addressing issues that upset me) reads more like anger than the sarcastic and facetious style that I usually aim for. Then again, maybe it is my gender that makes the writing seem ‘angry’ instead of a tongue-in-cheek exposition into certain issues. Her comment got me thinking about various issues, but gender inequality fascinates me, and I am still frequently shocked by other females that will either defend or seem completely oblivious to the issue. So bear with me while I hop back on my soapbox and go over:

History

Let’s not beat around the bush on this one. Historically, women have been deemed the inferior gender, mainly owing to the greater physical strength that men generally have over women. This is a biological fact we cannot overcome, and this fact of physical supremacy is the same in most other species (except in some species of insect, where the female is actually larger and stronger, and totes kicks some male arse physically).

As humans have evolved and developed a civilised, intellectually based society, women have become more liberated over the years in terms of participation in sport, etc. – it is no longer frowned upon for women to compete in formerly male-only physical disciplines, such as weight-lifting – which has helped us to catch up a bit (or at least narrow the gap) when it comes to physical strength.

Facts

I’ve been involved in some debates (I will not take my usual childish approach to this and talk about being involved in ‘mass debates’ as a totally juvenile play on words… Oh, whoops!) with friends and colleagues who’ve said they don’t believe an inequality still exists. I’ve even reeled off the data to them and yet they persist in denying it. I think the most startling fact I’ve come across is that if we continue at our current rate of change towards a more equal society, it will take 250 years before we have a 50/50 split of male/female CEOs in the Fortune 500 list (70 years in the UK - A report by the Equality and Human Rights Commission of the UK’s largest 100 companies in 2008, and in Australia the stats are less clear, but from a range of data most indicate by the end of the century). The facts are that the rate of improvement levelled off in the mid 1990s, and hasn’t moved much since. Well, isn’t this depressing?!

The other mind-boggling yet inescapable fact is that females are paid 20% less than their male counterparts in non-managerial jobs; and economists can account for only a portion of this being related to productivity-related characteristics, so the residual number is attributed to gender discrimination.

The most frustrating thing for me is that since I started working some 20 *cough* years ago, we have been talking about this, and we still appear to be no further forward.

Why?

I can personally relate to these issues, so I have selfishly chosen to write about them, but ‘the why’ is another thing we have been talking about for years. Females tend to have to prove they have the skills for a job over and over again.

There’s also the challenge of walking the tightrope of being deemed either ‘too feminine’, and not being taken seriously enough, or ‘too masculine’, and labelled intimidating, bossy or challenging. Getting the balance right in order to master walking that tightrope is near on impossible.

Then there’s the maternal wall, which affects all women regardless of their decision to have children or not, because they can still be ruled out of progressing simply by being of a ‘child-rearing age’. These factors seem to combine to create a tug-of-war, and there are even some women that create conflict with – and even actively hold back – other women from progressing. It’s quite frankly a nightmare scenario to find any balance!

Isn’t it time we progressed?

In my eyes, we have been discussing the issue for over 20 years; I keep seeing the same old information being recycled with very little change in the stats. This is where the ‘it will take 250 years to get equality’ fact comes from, and it’s shocking! This means that not even our daughters or our granddaughters or even our great granddaughters will be on level ground with their male counterparts.

Action

Surely it’s time for action?! We’ve had enough social commentary and enough statistical analysis to provide us with the evidence that gender inequality still strongly exists, and thus remains a problem. In my estimation, the easiest solution would be for all organisations to run their payroll stats and address the balance financially. If they think that’s too much of a sting, it goes to show what a sad state of affairs we are in, and reflective of how unjust businesses as a whole have let things become.

It would also pay to get some specific company analysis on what the split of male/female ratios are and then establish the reasons behind this. I appreciate that there can be some factors other than gender at play, but on the whole there will also be some genuine gender bias and I think the government should be setting some harsh targets around this. Maybe CEOs should have their pay deducted to address the balance? ‘We’ve done some analysis, and in your organisation females are paid 20% less than their male counterparts; therefore, we shall deduct 20% from your own salary this year.’ (Assuming the CEO isn’t one of the few female CEOs out there, whose pay may well be less than their male equivalents.) This would surely make them sit up, pay attention and get to work correcting the discrepancy in pay?! I believe it is inexcusable to be talking about this subject for so long and for us to still be dancing around the action that is needed.

What will it take for a company – or indeed society – to take notice and make the necessary changes? We all have a part to play, and we all have a voice, so why not use it? I can’t help but imagine a world where women actually start to help and support each other and fight together for gender equality – now, what a world that would be… Angry lesbian rant over.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author, and edited by Sophie McClelland.

The search

2016-08-02T18:57:00.005-07:00

Have we really!?

“The core of authenticity is the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable, and to set boundaries.” Brené Brown

After saying I'm not talking about dating anymore, I'm kinda talking about dating… Not dating, dating… I like to call it ‘THE SEARCH’ (I used capitals and everything to really drive home this concept). It’s mainly because if I’m not dating I am being encouraged to date. If I am in a relationship I am hearing about dating stories and really dating is a search… A search for a hook up, a search for a relationship, a search for friendship: there are a plethora of search outcomes. I believe we single peeps constantly think about whether we want a relationship and the dating process we’re eventually going to have to tackle. The reason we mainly think about this, because all our friends inevitably ask… ‘so are you seeing anyone yet?’

I want to scrap this way of thinking because as human beings looking for fulfilling partnerships we need to really think through this dating concept without pressure. Maybe it’s me as an over analytical person and potentially sometimes maybe a little overly conscientious about people I date. I am not trying to take the fun out of dating… Honest. But what we need to establish is why you are dating in the first place? Do you really know what you are looking for? Because I bloody don’t!

One thing I notice is that there is a lot of advice on dating... Or 'rules' you need to follow... Bless all friends in the world, they love you so much that they want you to meet someone amazing ASAP and you're being given their advice and pressure to 'get out there'. Let’s remove the terminology of dating and change it to ‘The Search’, and if that’s too confronting then why are you dating? Even if you don’t know what you are looking for then dating can be good to help you establish your search criteria (I am like a walking contradiction but I wasn’t sure what I was looking for so I went out dating, but I put on my profile I was looking for friendship and then see where things go from there so as not to mislead anyone).

Even qualified psychologists acknowledge that falling in love is a mystery. Remember that, as humans we are complex and slightly mysterious, and that chemistry we feel with someone else is something we can’t quantify or put any scientific structure behind (apart from knowing what chemicals get released into the body and what parts of the brain are activated).

It's not a bloody competition

Isn't it best that the formative part of any relationship sets the tone for how you would like any relationship to be? For example, most of us agree that a relationship should be a partnership and not a competition. So, as my mum said, who was the stupid person that when phones/smart phones were invented said 'thou shalt not text or call for three days'. Why? Honestly, why?

Oh you sent the last text... Oooo, no you definitely can't send one now. Is this because we are actually playing tennis and the ball hasn't been hit back to your side of the court? Are we back to game playing?

Relationship development is organic and all of the above comes from a pessimistic mind set of 'the person you dated probs didn't like you'. If you come from an optimistic mind set of 'that was a great date and I respect that person'... Then you'll find you don't worry about stupid 3 day rules and who text last. You will send that bloody text and then you will get a response of either ‘yay I would love to see you again’ or ‘sorry from my side I just wasn’t feeling it’ (because people this is how the world should work). I would love to eradicate ghosting but unfortunately those people exist and surely an indication they were not the right sort of person in the first place.

Boolean tips to finding the right person

Can you tell I am a recruiter? I spend all day searching and screening people, it’s what I do for a living. Do you know what we do as a first step? We do a job brief which captures what our hiring managers are looking for. That's right, before you embark on any form of search you need to think about some hard and fast facts and probably take a long hard look at yourself. Why are you dating? Who are you looking for?

‘The who’ part enables you to decide the sort of person you are looking to attract and the why part also helps you to decide where you look. Are you looking for a hook up? Tinder. Wapa. Grindr. Are you looking for a relationship? Then you need to know ‘the who’ part and hang out in the places the sort of person you are looking for will hangout (both in cyber space and real space). Sounds simple doesn't it?

I've not intentionally been single for two years, I’ve been figuring myself out over that time period… I’ve been doing some essential ‘uncoupling’ and ‘re-identification’ of myself. Then I started to formulate ‘the who I am’ part through reflection, counselling and reading. Now no matter the attraction I think through potential red flags… Let me give you an example, in all honesty I contemplated the second date with the married woman in an open relationship, but I took a week before messaging her back to reflect and also think through the consequences - that may sound boring but it saved me drama. Maybe that is where I am in life, I am approaching my 40’s and I do need to limit the drama. I take my time now, it sounds very unexciting but actually it's 100% the opposite. I think if she had been upfront from the start, then I would have gone in to the date with my eyes open as to me authenticity is more important than the situation at hand, and she probably would have got a second date.

Patience is a virtue

The main thing I learnt from my past relationship is that sex shouldn't be rushed into. Unless sex is your thing and that is your objective (just to hook up), as long as the other person is aware that is your motivation. Hormones play a massive part in poor decision making, we hear about infatuation and the sex part magnifies that infatuation part massively. Those hormones make you blind, it is what created the famous phrase ‘love is blind’.

Now it is incredibly hard when you are very physically attracted to someone to apply that restraint, and alcohol does not help! Get to know someone, make sure you are both comfortable with the way things are progressing and then if you are ready to make that step it is because you know (as much as you can) that this person is someone you can see things developing with. I may sound boring and methodical by saying that, but when it comes to long term decision making – it's honestly best. If you want the hook up, then ignore my advice as this is a completely different approach, so you can dive right in – respectfully and safely.

By the by, all my advice is based upon looking for a relationship. I have totes been down with having fun and I still am, but when I am looking for a full blown relationship my advice above is what I will always follow. Also, the longer the wait… the more mind blowing the moment is when it finally arrives! After all you have probably imagined it a thousand times in your head, so in theory if you’re considerate… It’s going to be pretty damn good.

The who

The who is how a person’s values and the way they make you feel should tally. Pay attention to red flag behaviours (past relationships, friendships, work ethic etc), be self-aware to know the things that are important to you and then remember the best argument for your life partner selection... The urge to merge: we all end up taking on traits of our partner both emotionally and developmentally. Therefore your partner should be someone you look up to and respect, they should make you want to be the best version of yourself, someone you listen to that tells you about their life and about their values - should make you think, I want that and I want to be that. Then that urge to merge thing... Both of you will take on the best possible traits of each other.

Respect

Dating is a highly vulnerable and risky business. Respect is therefore very important, be honest and treat people how you want to be treated. No games. No bullshit. I have mentioned this before because I wish I could coach everyone on this. If you are not interested in going out again, be honest and let the person know nicely. If you are dating other people, be respectful and let the other person know. Just be honest and remember how vulnerable you feel and think through how you would like to be treated because everyone deserves that level of respect. It leads back to being the person you would love.

It's not just me, me, me

There are two people (or sometimes three or four) in a dating process and you must always assume that the other person has the best of intentions. What I mean by this is that everyone has lives outside of dating. Don't take things personally and always listen to your date.

Yes, unfortunately, there are douche bags

Sorry but we all know this part is true either through experience or by helping a friend through post-douchebag disorder. Don't let that scare you and don't think this is the norm. Most people do have the best intentions, the douches are the minority, so from that we can conclude that it's safer to be optimistic than pessimistic. It's better to act from a place of hope than a place of expectation. There is a difference.

Sense and sensibility

I know I am probably making dating sound a little boring and potentially a lot like an OHS conference. It's not, it is amazing and something we all should experience, but it's funny that one of the most important life skills and decisions we make is never taught. Is it because nobody knows what they are doing? Probably. But teaching ourselves to make decisions around who we enter into relationships with is important. We can't get it right 100% of the time, we make mistakes but we try to learn from them. There is no exact science to this madness of dating but if awareness is combined with patience, we may succeed. I hate dating, but my sensible head knows that to truly make a good long term partner decision then you need to date to sample what life has to offer.

All you can do is own your behaviour and be the type of person you would love. To be that person is through actions, if you love yourself then you attract the right person in. I keep coming back to the same point - words are who you want to be and your actions are who you are. If you can identify that in yourself then you can identify that in others. Lots of relationships fail through broken promises - a partner who says a lot but never does it. Identify that early, a person who says something and then does it are precious, hold on to that. I'm not saying we're all perfect and always deliver on our promises, but that should be the minority not the majority of time. The times where you can’t deliver on a promise you should be honest about it, but don’t say the words in the first place if you already know that you won’t be able to follow through with the action. So when conducting your search remember: a person will show you who they are, pay attention.

Have fun

I’ve made this sound very analytical and serious, but really you should be out there having fun. We are on this planet once, so therefore laugh lots and create meaningful experiences. Meet lots of people, do something that scares you… Experience life!

Summary

I just think more people should be aware why they are dating and then they can approach it in a respectful way. Maybe that’s reflective of my own personal values, I think as humans we should treat each other honestly, respectfully and without hiding anything. The person you need to be truthful with the most is yourself, the person you need to hold in the highest esteem is yourself and then you get the outcomes you desire through the way people respond to the information and behaviours you exhibit. Search wisely my friends and may the force be with you.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author.

Growing up

2016-08-01T05:44:00.002-07:00

Two of my favourite heads

Ah insomnia, my old friend! It's the early hours of my last day in the UK and, perhaps in readiness for heading back to Australia, I seem to have become nocturnal. I've had an amazing few weeks here, centred around my little sister’s wedding. On the day itself, I was immensely proud of her for so many reasons; especially as I watched her protectively walk her new wife around at the reception, and saw how they had thought through a day that reflected them as a couple but also caringly catered for their guests. It was a beautiful day that epitomised both my sister and her new wife!

And who doesn't love a good wedding?! I’ve always tended to get carried away with the frivolity of the day and the celebration at hand, and this one was no exception: I turned into 18-year-old Corina again for the day, and may or may not have coerced some of the party – including one of my more competitive cousins – into a game of Last Man Standing. (The cousin in question is also the first-born on one side of the family, thus aptly named First in Command – FIC.) Well, at 6.45am on Sunday we called a truce, only to discover that one of my other legendary cousins had pulled the wool over both our sets of eyes – she had hidden until we retired to bed, and therefore cunningly stole the crown of ‘last man standing’. Actually, I might have to get on my high horse and rename this game 'last person standing'... Because, FIC, technically you lost to two girls.

This story is leading somewhere, I promise... Family is very important to me as is the wonderment of little people, which sounds hypocritical coming from someone who decided to move to the other side of the world. But it’s true. My family is bloody massive too, to the extent that if we were the Waltons, then the 'goodnight Grandpa, goodnight blah-blah’ bit would not be the closing scene, but the whole flipping episode. And one thing I was struck by when I came home this time is just how much it has expanded over the past few years. Not just in my family, but in my friendship group too, there’s a whole new army of little people around.

I got to spend a few nights 'co-parenting*', which was precious whilst also opening my eyes to what consecutive nights of sleep deprivation can do to a person! Listening to my friends tell me about their various 'bad parenting' stories had me in stitches, and I had to remind them that turning on Peppa Pig at 5am so you can catch one more hour of sleep – well, that really isn't bad parenting.

As I heard them worry about what other people may think, all I could do was sit there in awe that they are bringing these tiny people up with amazing values and, in my eyes, memories of 'when mum let me crawl into bed and snuggle while we watched Peppa Pig'. Especially when it doesn’t seem so long ago that I was carrying these now-responsible parents home after a night out, as they tried to recall whether it was the left or right foot next before dragging us both into a gutter… With that kind of perspective, all I can think is, wow, you are successfully raising a small human – bravo you legend!

I'm also a little jealous: it's an amazing thing to shape both a tiny humanoid’s life and its values. I was over the moon that my parting gift to one of my friend’s children is that she has now added 'Oh my goodness' to her vocabulary, and I sincerely hope this sticks until she is at least four, to know that I have made even a tiny impact on her life. It’s also made me sad to think that the next time I see her, she will have grown and changed so much; I’m missing these formative years.

I don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone else's parenting style. Babies don't come with manuals, and every child is unique. It's hard enough adulting let alone balancing that with feeding, clothing and shaping another human. I really do mean it when I say I am in awe of anyone who is doing this full-time job! I am also completely jealous as I'd always wanted to bring a little person into this world, which might be why I love helping out with the sproglets so much.

I am always overwhelmed when I go home by the feelings of love and overbearing protection I feel for my niece and nephew. This is why I feel like a hypocrite that I live on the other side of the world, because really I am acting out of selfishness, living out my own dreams when I could be a much larger part of their lives. Especially after finding out last year that there is a high probability that I would find it very hard to conceive a little person. It kind of took away the regret of not having prioritised children sooner in my life, because it was always going to be difficult even with the thrown in complication of a same-sex relationship.

However, I’m trying not to dwell on these things too much. You have to digest the information and then formulate a new plan. I guess the scary part for me was being asked so many times recently if I think I'll have children and was I planning on moving home soon? This is the first time in my life I don't really have a plan. The only thing I've promised myself is that I’ll get my Aussie citizenship – once that’s done, well, I really don't know what’s next. That's both scary and exciting all at once, and I suppose it's the first time in my life I've really been able to think, what do I want? Not, what do we want or what does she want? But, what do I want? Which, in itself, is quite daunting...

Anyway, let's not think about these things until after my citizenship is granted! My trip home made me feel so proud of all of my family and friends. I loved those ‘bad parenting’ stories that clearly do not even register on the scale, and I am definitely in complete admiration of the legendary parents my friends have become. To any parent out there, balancing life, work and your own goals along with cultivating the values and safety of your child – I tip my cap to you.

* exaggerating a little here, maybe, ‘helping out overnight’ might be more accurate.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author and edited by Sophie McClelland.

Mid-year review

2016-07-06T00:04:00.001-07:00

It's that time of year

I really should be packing; I leave for the UK in five days and have an exceptionally busy week ahead, and today is my only free day. So I should be packing. I have instead been to the chemist… Then I went and bought some books… Then I had a coffee and read some articles… Then I wandered aimlessly before thinking: I should pack. I returned home, put on some washing, cleaned the bathroom and then I thought: I must really write my blog. So here I am writing my blog when I really should be packing.

I am soon to turn another year older, and when this happens I like to give myself a bit of a mid-year review, which is perhaps just because it’s that time of year – and I’m in HR – but I also like to think that it’s because as the years have gone by I have learnt an essential adulting skill.

As I sit here reflecting on things, I’m thinking that if somebody had told me five years ago that I would be in Melbourne writing a blog as a single young (debatable) lady (again debatable), I would have laughed in the face of my future – and yet here I am. Today is election day in Australia and my friends will be voting for the country’s future; one I cannot yet participate in as I have yet to be awarded citizenship. It’s also quite a poignant day for another reason.

I am sitting here because of a series of decisions I made, and that’s funny because I am often told I am quite indecisive, which is true when it comes to quite insignificant things like, ‘what do I want for dinner?’ or ‘what colour Toms should I buy next?’ But when it comes to the big stuff, I can be decisive, and I like to think that I make those decisions in an informed way that’s reflective of my analytical nature… As part of my mid-year review I was thinking that it took some adjusting to my single lifestyle, it was strange not calling someone through the day and it was weird working out what to do with my time and making major life decisions without consulting someone else. Going from being practically married to single life is no easy transition; no one prepares you for it and there’s no official guide book on the matter. We’re not even taught how to do it in school; in fact, we’re not ever talked through relationships at school, which seems a bit crazy as they are pretty integral to our adult lives.

Anyway, I’ve distracted myself. The reason today is poignant is because every now and then I hear from my ex (I personally believe in keeping things amicable), and today she contacted me to let me know she is now engaged. It’s been about two years since we separated and it’s funny how lives once entwined can suddenly venture in two very different directions. When we separated I spent time in counselling both pre- and post-break up (I can’t recommend it enough), mainly because of the guilt I felt but also because I felt the need to re-examine myself after suddenly not having that person in my life who had been such a big part of my identity. I quite literally felt like I was suddenly standing in a desert, tumbleweed blowing around me, the heat beating down on my neck and armed with neither map nor water.

It’s amusing in some ways because I was the person who did the breaking up, and people are quick to make assumptions about that – gosh, even I used to make those assumptions. But it was the hardest decision I had to make, and was not a decision I took lightly. I didn’t leave because I felt the grass was greener; I didn’t leave because I didn’t love her anymore; and I didn’t leave because our situation was too hard. I put 100% into trying to make it work because I believe that you should never leave someone simply because it’s ‘easier’ than working on your relationship. Likewise, you should never stay with someone for fear of being alone or facing the harsh reality of a break up.

I made the decision because the relationship had broken down into something I no longer recognised, and I loved her and respected her enough to know I did not want things to continue the way they were – it was unhealthy for both of us. But letting go was the hardest thing I had to do. So getting the message that she was engaged was the moment I went from believing 95% that I did the right thing to 100% because I’m genuinely happy for her. Of course, I’m also very human, and part of me was gutted that in two years I have not found something similar. However, after the sting of the news subsided, I realised I am comfortable with the fact that I am here on my sofa writing my blog. It’s where I am supposed to be right now, or else I wouldn’t be sitting here so comfortably.

I think that one of the reasons I’m feeling a little sad about it is because I’m a romantic: I love being part of a team and couldn’t help wondering why I haven’t yet formed a new and lasting one… Well, Corina (note to self: must stop this third-person referencing thing) it’s probably because my special someone is neither hidden under the sofa nor likely to suddenly ring the doorbell – that would be a bit weird and potentially a U-Haul moment. For me (oh, I’m me again), I have never wanted to actively seek a relationship because you make bad decisions that way, trust me – that’s right my memory goes back fourteen years. I believe that you ultimately attract the right person at the right time (I am sure there is some scientific proof to my hypothesis). Although these days I am a lot older, so maybe I should be rushing the process through dating, but I don’t like the fact that everyone has this expectation that because you’re dating you want a relationship. I want feelings for someone to develop naturally, free from pressure, so that both parties can be free to see where the road takes them.

Realistically my option is that someone meets me while I am dribbling at the bar or performing the caterpillar on the dancefloor while thinking I’m gangsta (I totally am), which doesn’t bode for a great first impression.

I am a very lazy romantic (or a scaredy-cat romantic – take your pick). Maybe they should invent an app for that. I am also too invested in my career and friendships at the moment; I am still forming my life in Melbourne, which involves widening my social circles. And although I am acutely aware that I’m starting to feel ready for that next step in my life, how the devil that will transpire is anyone’s guess. Maybe I should invent the lazy scaredy-cat romantic app, where people go with no expectations and a chill pill to just see what develops. I am sure I can come up with a scientific formula for this…

Ok before I share my multi-million-dollar idea, let’s get back to my mid-year review. My friends keep telling me I should date for fun and excitement. Well, if having a panic attack is their idea of fun and excitement then I have really weird friends, because unfortunately pre-date I get worried about things I shouldn’t even worry about (ok, I might be exaggerating about the panic attack for humorous purposes). Although clearly I can’t be too bad at dating, as I make a lot of friends doing it… Oh, actually, that’s not really the point is it?!

I guess the upshot of my mid-year review is that I have one objective for the remaining half of my year: I was lucky enough to experience the feeling of 'wow, where did you come from?' earlier this year, I had forgotten how that feels, the feeling of excitement and wanting to see where it goes. I want to make someone feel that about me. I am pretty sure that moment will occur while I'm dribbling at the bar... 87.24% certain. Maybe I should just stop dribbling at bars, or buy a bib? Yeah, I might need to invest in a bib.

I got distracted again… Where was I? Oh, yes, excitement – why do people assume that being single means you have to date? The excitement of being single comes from reminding myself every Friday at around 4.45pm that I am single and while I am single I should enjoy, well, being single. What does being single mean? It means that at 4.45pm on a Friday I can persuade others to join me in general debauchery in a bar of our choosing because, as Yoda said, ‘Only once you live.’ So for me it’s not about dating, it is about living a little before some very lucky lady gets tricked by my charm and is then stuck with me for a long time.

It also means that this week I have the freedom to jump on a plane and head back to the UK for three whole weeks to celebrate my amazing sister getting married to the love of her life. Which reminds me… I really should be packing.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author and edited by Sophie McClelland.

Sunshine, lights and torches

2016-06-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about a variety of things this month, I had actually written two blogs that I have put on hold since the Orlando shooting happened. It was something that made every molecule in my being curdle, there was so many parts of me separating that I felt numb to my core. I was disgusted that someone attacked the LGBTI community in our safe place, gay clubs aren’t just nightclubs: they are a place where we go to be with like-minded people, a place not to be judged and to come together as a community.

We are humans. We are all humans. Let’s not blame religion. What happened in Orlando stemmed from hate, not religion, there are people in the world that use religion as an excuse for the vessel of their hatred and for the darkness that lives inside of them. They lack complete accountability for their actions, ’oh I did that because God told me’… Did he? Or are you just so messed up in your head that you think it’s ok to buy a semi-automatic weapon and completely destroy the lives of those in the club, their families and their friends!? The majority of people use religion for hope, for love and to help them understand major life events; a guiding light to help them through the darkness. I don’t have the same belief system but I won’t judge people for what they believe unless they are hurting someone. ISIS is not religion, it is hate group; a collective group of haters. They want us to turn on each other and to cause bureaucratic anarchy. It’s fucked. They have no accountability for who they are and what they do.

I will never, ever stoop to such a low life human emotion as hate. We are human beings, living our lives and making it through each day. We each have a purpose, the fact we are each here is a miracle in itself, a one in 400 trillion probability according to science… That precise second that your life was created, you being here on this planet is an amazing thing and nobody, NOBODY, has the right to take that miracle away except for nature and genetics.

We all need to be torches of kindness, torches for what is right, torches of education to eradicate ignorance. If we all individually shine our light, we become vivid and collectively we can spread kindness like sunbeams enlightening the world.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Have we become so impatient and so transient that we have forgotten what is important? Do you take the time to stop and enjoy where you are? What you have? Even when you sit in restaurants and look around at people on their mobiles, is anyone really present? Have we forgotten the importance of human relationships, of supporting those we love and of acts of solicitude? I mean, really!? It’s so easy to sit on social media and dish out hate speech, share a kind quote, make a joke and troll on other people. That’s part of the problem, it’s so easy to say things at any one moment in time due to the accessibility of the internet… You unlock your phone and the words spill out in that moment. It’s so instant to share and say things, that maybe we are starting to forget the importance of living and of human life.

You are what you do: your actions are who you are, not your words. These were people in their safe place who were just living; just being, they were not harming anyone, they were creating memories with their lives stretched out in front of them and someone purposely went into a club with a semi-automatic weapon with the intent to kill. This was an act of hate and not an act of religion. Orlando was a homophobic act.

It stems back to the fact that homophobia is still alive and well, it brings me back to my marriage equality blog from last month. Ignorance breeds fear, fear breeds hatred and hatred leads to people being irrational. This irrationality is preventing civilised progress to bring marriage to the true definition of love, just two consenting adults wanting to spend their lives together. Why should someone who is scared (a phobia is a fear, an irrational fear) dictate whom I can marry? Why did fear lead to my sexual preference being made illegal and in some places punishable by death? Complete freakin’ ignorance. So instead of telling me that I am not allowed to enjoy my feelings of love towards whom I please, why don’t you go and educate yourself? Evolve as a human being.

I read an awesome quote, essentially saying we should have a reality TV show where gay marriage opponents should live 100% under biblical law just to show us all how awesome it is. Wouldn’t that be great to put a little perspective on current law and social evolution!?

I would love to stop typing on this keyboard because these words seem fruitless. I would love to organise a little dinner with Malcolm Turnbull, sit across a table from him, look him in the eye and just say ‘why Malcolm? Why do we need a plebiscite? What is your reasoning? You previously claimed you support gay marriage and here you are in an envious position to make Australian history, to progress Australian society – a position most same sex marriage supporters would love to be in. You can utilise that power as a self-proclaimed marriage equality supporter to bring about a bill to equalise marriage, to give everyone in love the choice to pledge their love to the person they love. Are you just another politician full of words and lacking in action? What you are doing right now hurts me and hurts the LGBTI community. We are here for such a short period of time and we have just as much right to celebrate our relationships as anyone else, help us eradicate ignorance and celebrate love. You are not what you say Malcolm, you are what you do.’

Anyway, I am pretty angry, but being angry won’t address anything and I am using my blog to be positive and educate. The whole Orlando situation was grossly unfair that one person’s phobia (remember irrational fear) extinguished 49 lives far too early. This is what happens when you give hate a semi-automatic weapon with shitty gun laws, it’s tragic how America is so opposed to reverse a law that makes killing so easy but is still so disgusted about a law allowing love to be more equal in the form of marriage equality. I am fed up of hearing ‘second amendment’.

Nothing will bring those 49 lives back or retract the irreversible damage caused to 53 others that were injured inside Pulse, but we can turn those 49 lives into a revolution and make their lives mean something and leave a legacy in this world. We can all flick on our torches of love for each other, hold them high and we can all make a stand for equality… Whether racial, social or sexual preference… We’re all human and if you don’t want to get along and help each other through, then maybe we should create a little island called ‘ignoramus’ where all the hate preachers can go and live, then the rest of us can get on with living and loving.

Your light is yours to give and no-one should be able to darken this, so remember to keep your light on, keep your flame burning brightly, not only for you but for the life and the lives of others that surround you.

*I will not name the gunman and give him any fame or accolade for which he does not deserve. Let’s remember: Edward Sotomayor Jr., Stanley Almodovar III, Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, Akyra Monet Murray, Luis S. Vielma, Juan Ramon Guerrero, Christopher Andrew Leinonen, Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, Kimberly Morris, Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, EnriqueRios, Anthony Luis Laureano Disla, Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, Cory James Connell, Mercedez Marisol Flores, Deonka Deidra Drayton, Miguel Angel Honorato, Jason Benjamin Josaphat, Darryl Roman Burt II, Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, Oscar A Aracena-Montero, Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, Shane Evan Tomlinson, Amanda Alvear, Martin Benitez Torres, Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, Javier Jorge-Reyes, Tevin Eugene Crosby, Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, Joel Rayon Paniagua, Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, Luis Daniel Conde, Juan Chevez-Martinez, Jerald Arthur Wright, Leroy Valentin Fernandez, Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, Angel L. Candelario-Padro, Frank Hernandez, Paul Terrell Henry, Antonio Davon Brown, Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, Alejandro Barrios-Martinez, Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez.

Written by Corina Hawkins - soon to be author with assistance from Lauren Kamasz.

Marriage equality

2016-06-02T03:45:00.001-07:00

Isn't it about time!? (see what I did there)

As we power through 2016 at an alarming pace, I returned from Perth in May and have done a little reflecting onwhere I am in life and where I might want to head. I’m not exactly the most forward person in the world, ordinarily, but my friend Lauren gave me some advice before heading on holiday in March: I had to go on at least one date before she returned (as I was about to give up) and live in the moment because, as the kids say: YOLO. Well, thanks to following Lauren’s advice I got to experience some of the loveliest moments of the last couple of years. I normally get so caught up by and tangled in nerves, but this time took a leap of faith.

A leap that, I think, had as much to do with the person that makes you want to take a risk and just go for it. When someone who radiates warmth and genuine authenticity enters your life… Well, you want to dance in their music and sing to their melody. You literally take stock and think ‘where did you actually come from?’ and ‘what did I do to deserve such awesomeness?!’

Hold on to that thought, because searching for that someone can be something of a quest. One that should never be embarked upon from a position of loneliness or need, as this will ultimately skew your decision-making; instead, try to remember how an amazing person makes you feel, and aim to find that. We can’t choose who we ‘like’ – granted – but I do think we have implicit control if our motivations are good, honest and without expectation. Remember that - because nobody owes you anything and if your motivations come free of expectations, then you just appreciate the moments and hold on to a little hope that perhaps that awesomeness will continue to grow and that you get to listen to the whole album. (Even if you don’t, you'll at least get to enjoy that one track and hum the tune every now and then.)

Over the past few years (now I’m older), I’ve realised just how much fear (of all sorts of things: what others will think, and of not feeling good enough, among them) has held me back from meeting people and from developing myself. I was so quiet and almost embarrassed by my sexuality for so long that now it feels like I have some making up to do. Over the last couple of years I’ve become more proactive about gay rights and I no longer want to just sit back and allow society to continue ignoring the rights of my community. Last month I listed my gay agenda… This month I want to follow on by tackling the topic of marriage equality.

So, why is marriage equality important? Why do we all - regardless of our sexuality - need to stand up for this fundamental right? To start with, let's ponder the following.

Why are we upholding a law that was made in another country 1674 years ago?

Same-sex marriage was outlawed in the Roman Empire in 342 AD by Christian emperors Constantius II and Constans. The law specifically prohibited marriage between men and took away a right of freedom from humankind – we recognised homosexuality prior to this moment, so what changed?

Constantius II made a concerted effort to promote Christianity throughout the empire and rid it of Roman polytheism (paganism to you and me). Why am I drawing your attention to the Romans in particular? It’s because so many of our political institutions are derived from ancient Roman precedents. It was the influence of the Christian church that encouraged Constantius II to bring in a law prohibiting homosexual marriage. There is much debate about whether gay marriage was legal before this, but certainly before this time gay relations were tolerated.

Unlike homosexuality, marriage is a life choice, which we should all have the right to

Today, marriage is the ultimate romantic concept: together 'until death do us part', which is something that so many of us want to declare to the person they love above all else. Whether to get married (and let's not forget that marriage offers many legal benefits too) or not is a choice, a choice that some of us are currently still denied in Australia - long after the fall of the Roman Empire.

We've managed to get rid of old-school notions of marriage

Let’s also have a look at the history of marriage (rather loosely, as I don’t have time to research this as thoroughly as I would like). Essentially marriage was (and sadly still is in some cultures) a patriarchal means of possession: a woman given away by her father to a man for use as his own personal resource for reproduction, household-labour and anything else he desired. (Not a lot to do with the ‘love’ part.) Another reason to marry was to make the production and ownership of children ‘legal’, so they were ‘possessed’ legitimately. There has been a two-century-long battle for equality amongst the sexes in Western societies. From the mid-nineteenth century legislators have passed a variety of rules that formally moderated the inequalities of marriage. In the twentieth century we made further moves to make marriage a more equal partnership between man and woman – the notion of marriage evolving as we as a society have evolved.

Therefore as a society should we not evolve with that notion that marriage is now truly about love: most importantly equal love? Until modern times why would homosexuals/bisexuals want to buy into this historically unequal, oppressive institution designed for the subordination of women? Now that, finally, the foundation of marriage is love we want in, and why the heck shouldn’t we?

The mistaken idea that legalising gay marriage will cause the breakdown of marriage and the family

This argument (kinda similar) was around in 1887 when, according to come patriarchal luddites, the women’s suffrage movement would ruin the sanctity of marriage. Men like Col. Marshall Murdoch, the founder of The Wichita Eagle, argued that a woman’s ‘natural’ place was in the home and that ‘the designs of the creator’ had sanctioned this.

Well, Col. Murdoch, do you know what happened to marriages and families when women started to vote in municipal elections that same year? Nothing. Nothing happened. Family life continued in the same way. We've come along leaps and bounds in the battle for equality between the sexes, and I can guarantee the people of the world that when gay marriage is eventually legalised in Australia it will do nothing to change the sanctity of marriage. On the contrary, it will enhance it. And, as a further plus point, all the gays will have a bloody big party that everyone will be invited to as we have waited a long time for this moment in history.

Why must we have a plebiscite to decide this fundamental human right?

The first thing I would like to make people aware of is the cost. If the Australian government were to hold a plebiscite to decide if people like me are able to have the ‘choice’ to marry, this would cost the Australian public $525 million (according to PwC modelling). W.H.A.T.? Do we not have better things to be spending Australian money on? Seriously.

Then we look at public polls… Listen to your people… Polls consistently show that 64% of Australians support the legalisation of same-sex marriage. This is a large majority; we don’t need to vote: you just need to pass a bill that other countries have passed. Don’t waste money on this! I would rather it stayed illegal for another couple of years than have that much money wasted on a plebiscite that ends up reflecting what the polls show. Let’s use some common sense.

Australia’s evolvement

I believe this country has so much to offer the world and has so much growing to do, and that’s why I love it. I am passionate about the future of this country. I urge everyone who lives here to have a voice on the matter – we don’t need a plebiscite we just want a bill to be passed to reflect what the majority of Australian people want. For me, personally, it’s about feeling equal… It’s about one day taking my kids to school and not feeling mocked or deemed any less of a family unit than that of my heterosexual friends… It’s about one day being with the woman I love and being able to be proud about that love and show it off to the world… It’s about having the same legal rights as my heterosexual friends… It’s about equality. We're all equal before the law - so why not extend this to a law that reflects this?

We all feel love, we all love being in love, so why should some of us have more legal rights because their love happens to be with someone of the opposite sex? If the main answer is ‘because God said so’, go back and re-read His book because there are also many passages to the contrary and also many passages that, in all honesty, do you really want them to be reintroduced into common law?

Some background reading:

Why the Romans are Important in the Debate about Gay Marriage Robert Frakes http://historynewsnetwork.org/article/21319

What Gay Marriage Teaches about the History of Marriage Hendrik Hartog http://historynewsnetwork.org/article/4400

Gay Marriage? What Next… Women voting? Randy Scholfield http://historynewsnetwork.org/article/5146

‘Same-sex marriage plebiscite to cost $525m, PwC modelling shows’ Francis Keany http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-14/525-million-price-tag-on-same-sex-marriage-plebiscite-study/7243298

‘Same-sex marriage: Federal Parliament’s political football of choice’ Judith Ireland http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-opinion/samesex-marriage-federal-parliaments-political-football-of-choice-20160316-gnl2ty.html

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author, and edited by Sophie McClelland.

My gay agenda

2016-05-16T19:25:00.001-07:00

So this is what the closet looks like!?

It’s blog time again. Time to reflect as well as ponder the next part of my journey to becoming a published author. I’ve written far too much about dating recently and, as much as it is an enjoyable subject, I don’t really feel qualified enough to be passing comments or giving advice on the subject. It’s a bit like Donald Trump running for president… Oh, wait.

Anyway, April has by far been my favourite month of the last couple of years… I felt like I was swept away and didn’t want the month to end. There was so much adventure, so much smiling and so much of feeling lucky with the people in my life. In fact, it was so good I almost forgot I was trying to get my book published! Dating was a natural thing for me to focus on over the last few months because I was trying to convince myself it was a good idea. Obviously for creative effect I drew upon a couple of bad experiences as well as some stories my friends told me, I have also met some lovely people along the way but there just wasn’t that elusive ‘spark’ prior to April.

I have literally dated five people in two years… and I started to think that was a bad thing but I’ve stopped giving myself a hard time over it; I guess I just wasn’t built to ‘play the field’ – and that’s ok, I’m not going to force myself to change. It comes back to doing what is right for you, I agree that for most people you should see what’s out there to identify what you really like but for me, personally, I can’t multi-task and like to get to know someone properly. That was why April was so great, because I stayed true to me and it may have taken two years to get some good traction but it was a way I was comfortable with and I felt happy with. I think that’s the best advice you can give anyone, do what feels right for you (while also being honest) so whatever the outcome there will be no regret.

I did my usual ‘why did I bow to peer pressure?’ analysis and reflection, then I realised something I shared with you a few months ago: I felt most comfortable during my last relationship because it normalised a part of me which, to be honest, is such a small part of who I am. Since it ended I’ve felt like part of my identity has gone – at least, the part of me that normalised my ‘gayness’ and made me feel proud that I was in a monogamous, long-term same-sex relationship. For some reason, not being in a relationship makes that part of me feel abnormal again because of the assumptions people make when you talk about being single. However, I have resolved this with some wonderful gay friends who have thoroughly made me feel ‘normal’ again.

It got me thinking that I have a gay agenda, and not one that involves door knocking and recruiting because that’s impossible and I also don’t believe in forcing my lifestyle choices on others. My gay agenda is that no individual – whether gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual or any other sexuality-defining ‘category’ that I might have missed here – should ever have to suffer with self-loathing or any other mental health issue as a result of not being classed as ‘normal’… In fact, let’s stop using this terminology altogether because, let’s face it, heterosexuality isn’t normal – it’s just common. So here’s what’s on my gay agenda this month:

The phrase: That’s so gay

Before anybody jumps down my throat with the argument that ‘that’s so gay’ is just a flippant phrase, please – may I just point out how frequently I have to bite my tongue for the appearance of social normality to make you not feel awkward about taking the word ‘gay’ and turning it into something derogatory. Then I get angry at myself for being embarrassed to call you on it. I don’t want to upset you… Well, it hasn’t only hurt my feelings but also those of any person within earshot who perhaps is coming to terms with their sexuality and overhearing this has sent them crashing back into their closet. It’s not that I’m oversensitive and can’t take a joke; it’s that as I’ve got older I have become more aware of the harm these insensitive comments can wreak… So maybe you can take a little more care and coach yourself out of using it as a daily phrase. Please.

The questions: So which one of you is the man?

Mmm, what you are really asking here is, ‘which one of you wears the strap on?’* I don’t mind my closest friends asking this question because, let’s face it, I’m not a prude and love a good chat about sex… Except when it comes to a conversation about my partner and me: that stuff is ultra-private and between us. When I have just met you and we’ve been talking for an hour, I am sorry but this is not acceptable. I don’t open a conversation with, ‘so you and your wife: does she sometimes like to dominate in the bedroom?’ (I’m being very polite here; I could say far worse). I understand you’re inquisitive if this is the first time you’ve met a lesbian, but we have the same old relationships as everyone else, standard day to day arguments and a very normal sex life. The logistics of that sex life are none of your business. And yes, I may sound like someone with a chip on her shoulder, but it’s something to have a shoulder-chip about. In public I simply reply, ‘Google it’.

*FYI not all lesbians use these.

Shouting LESBIAN at me in the street

Oh my goodness! Did you just yell out part of my identity in the street for all to hear? Would you shout ‘SUPERMAN’ to Clark Kent? Because, let’s face it, lesbianism is my super power*. Who let that cat out of the bag?! My usual response is to shout ‘HETEROSEXUAL’ back… Mainly because it just shows how stupid the other person is being. Yes, thank you, I am more than aware of the category society wants to put me in to and, yes, I am comfortable with this because by embracing my innate sexuality I get to experience love. So I will take this one on the chin. (No lesbian jokes in response to that, please.) It also usually makes me die a little inside; when you do stuff like this it just reminds me of how out and proud I am not, because I still have moments where I am ashamed and I question if there is a way I can be ‘straight’… Not because I am attracted to men, but because it would be easier day-to-day.

*Note to self: Buy cape on weekend.

It doesn’t define me

Newsflash, lesbianism does not define me. Know what else I am? Kind, considerate, professional, awesome at karaoke, hardworking, crossfit (kind of – I’m injured) and pretty damn good at telling really bad jokes. I don’t ask 782 questions when you tell me you’re married or you have kids… It’s just a segment of who you are. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not being deliberately obstructive – I understand that to eradicate ignorance questions have to be asked and answered. But please just wait until you know me well before you start asking some very personal questions, the first hour of knowing someone is not appropriate. Please also note that I have had to adapt and keep schtum about my sexuality within the first hour of meeting people to try and prevent this too! I believe in teamwork.

Look up the definition of bisexual

Before I get started on this part, please find a dictionary and turn to page… Actually, sorry it’s 2016, jump on Wikipedia and look up ‘bisexual’. Ok, please bear this in mind when you meet a bisexual who is now married to someone of the opposite sex, because a really, really ‘special’ question in this scenario is:

Frank: Oh, so you’re not bisexual anymore?
Hilda: Mmm, no I am bisexual
Frank: Yeah, but you’re with a man now?
Hilda: Yeah, still bisexual
Frank: But you’re married to a man?
Hilda: Yeah, this is getting boring now.

I really don’t understand what is so complicated.

Transsexual

This is someone who feels tortured inside as they have been born in the wrong body. They are not an ‘it’. A lot of people feel this way from a very young age; in fact, the same goes with everything we have covered so far: you do not become, you are. You always know from a young age, the difference is that at a young age most are not equipped with the understanding of what it means because of all of the perceived ‘normality’ around you, which can lead to a lot of self-torture and depression. So often the reason these people struggle with their identity – and can suffer with terrible self-loathing – is owing to the promotion of what is ‘common’ and a lack of understanding for the ‘less common’. (As mentioned above, we’re putting a stop to using the word ‘normal’ to refer to heterosexuality and biological gender assignment. It’s damaging to those of us that don’t fit this comfort of the society norm.)

Giving advice: It’s just a phase

Let’s get rid of this phrase too. ‘It’s just a phase’ should never be said to a young person. So what if it is? Let them explore it – it’s not harming anyone. Be supportive instead of dismissive: ‘ok darling, whatever makes you happy’. The only time you should be concerned or get involved is if someone is hurting them or treating them badly – then of course you intervene for their protection.

Summary

I went through a horrible time coming out and it shouldn’t have been that hard. I naturally fell for a woman and it scared me to death – I literally felt like I would lose everyone close to me and live my life in fear. Thankfully things have progressed since 1996 and people are far more aware and accepting these days. So I am not talking to the majority of people in my blog here, but there are still simple phrases and behaviours that we need to stop saying and doing to really drive us towards becoming all-inclusive society.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author, and edited by Sophie McClelland.

How not to date...

2016-04-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

Reset, revive and realise... Or something like that!

Hello there readership! After my little trip back to Perth and making it through Valentine’s month, I am back and thank goodness I wasn’t inundated with loads of love letters as that would have delayed this blog even further. As I begin the month of April I have one mission; to be little more true to myself in one area…

This month I thought I would continue on from my previous blog about dating. Those who know me well know that I hate it. I come from a place of 'I don't need anyone', I am just fine as I am – not that I am a social hermit but I just want someone to complement me and for me to support. I also figure it would be best for my future girlfriend to have a partner who actually likes herself. I’ve had to spend some time reflecting on who I am and liking myself again and I would rather wait until I want a relationship. However, I kept being pushed and had a disastrous 'set up' last year which didn't pan out well, so I jumped back in my safety cage. I think it further emphasised that if you need a relationship you ‘settle’ for someone who isn’t right for all the wrong reasons, whereas when you are not looking, this is when you find the right person… because someone stumbles into your life who you ‘want’ a relationship with, because you are not settling through need and you may just end up meeting your true ‘match’.

Talk is easy however and sometimes I am not terribly strong. Towards the end of last year a few friends toyed with my phone and I ended up on some dating apps. I met some of the characters outlined in my previous blog about dating. However, I should point out that I should probably be writing about myself with my 'foot in mouth Tourette's' and over eagerness due to my motto of say what you feel, but let’s save that for another blog.

So let’s get onto my ‘wisdom’ of how not to date, because I know I am chilled, fun, protective and exceptionally caring... However when I date I appear like a bumbling, over excitable puppy who should have probably been left on a leash outside by the lamppost. I have to have a lot of self-dialogue with myself to stop all my natural knee jerk responses. It's mainly because I detest bullshit, game playing and dishonesty so I probably go in too much 'heart on sleeve'. I am reflecting upon the last time I was very attracted to someone which was nearly 13 years ago.... So I thought I had better reflect upon how bad I was so it is fresh in my memory. That's right… this blog is written for cathartic and therefore exceptionally selfish reasons. What!? It’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to.

I also realised, about 2.5 years ago I was able to give the most insensitive advice to my friends who were dating because when you are in a relationship you forget the joys of dating. Dating is great on one hand because it is like being 15 again, and dating is bad on one hand because, well, it is like being 15 again.

Be cool:

Now before I start this part, let’s just be clear, I am cool. I am laid back, chilled and like taking life as it comes (if any of my close friends are reading this, don’t laugh). Sure I love to make a plan and head in that general direction but on the whole in basic day to day things I am cool. When am I not cool do I hear you say? Well probably after a successful date… When I met my ex after our first couple of dates I didn’t read the rule books about when you should text and say you like someone and I flew out of the blocks on the ‘B’ of the bang. Let’s face you are at this stage because you think, oh I do enjoy this persons company and they clearly like mine. This is what normal sane people think, however my brain was not wired this way.

Essentially dating is like attending a lot of job interviews which you go into thinking I need a job and therefore when you get that ‘offer’ you are so over excited that you jump at the opportunity without really assessing the job or company properly – you just think ‘someone wants me’. However, if you approach dating more like you are ok in your current role but you want to develop yourself further and really enhance and compliment a company, then you approach your job search differently – you assess the company, you speak to the company, you ask lots of questions and you want to work hard for that company… You get the analogy? So be cool, this is as much about you as them.

Outcome: Do not act upon any information your brain is providing over the first 72 hours post-date. Most of this communication in your brain comes from self-doubt from dating the ‘Charlie Lima Indigo Tango’ tease. Be cool, not too cool as we’re not playing games here but let’s remember what it’s like to be on the receiving end of dating the ‘U-haul’.

Don’t listen to lust:

We all know the beginning phases of dating are swirling with lust, when you feel you have chemistry with someone. It is a highly addictive feeling, now I have never been a substance addict but I am a complete chemistry junkie, if I feel I have it with someone then I want my next fix. It is an amazing feeling but let’s revert back to ‘be cool’ as you don’t want to freak the other person out by coming across that you are head over heels while you are really
riding the chemistry wave. Lust may also blind you on any alarm bells that may be ringing, like when your date tells you that her ex-girlfriend snored one night so she kicked her out the following morning as sleep is like, really important to her.

Outcome: Take your time lover, be self-aware enough to not dive in and start horizontally dancing (or vertically, because that can be quite fun too) too soon. This just leads to further emotional attachment and before you know, your fourth date is your moving into a two by four with six cats.

Don’t start planning your future:

This could be a totally girl on girl outcome, but it is very easy after a couple of good dates to start imagining your life with someone. It’s also something sensible to do to help you avoid getting carried away with lust. Equally it is bad as before you know, in imagination land you’re in a two by four cuddled up on the sofa with Netflix. You’re thinking how great this imaginary life is with someone you have known for five seconds. Take a chill pill.

Outcome: This can also spiral you into appearing like the ‘U-haul’, it is a very tricky balance. You can also scare yourself out of something potentially good. So try not to get carried away at this stage as it can also lead to…

The freak out:

If the other person is equally attracted to you and starts to message a little more than you would like try not to freak out. Let the process be organic and don’t miss out on something potentially good because the other person is just very upfront about what is going on in their brain (unlike you who tried to keep it under control so you don’t cause the freak out):

How do you manage the freak out? Well, you have to be very honest with the person. Treat them how you would like to be treated… Hey I like you, but please can we take this a little slower. It’s all about respect.

Do what feels right to you:

That’s right, listen to yourself but by removing yourself from your own situation. What advice would you give a friend in the same boat? Had a bad date and don’t want to jump back on the horse? Don’t jump on the horse. In fact jumping on horses can be dangerous for both you and the horse.

Had a great date and want to see where it goes? See where the hell it goes. Had a great date and feel like freaking out? Freak out, but revert back to listening to yourself when you remove yourself from the situation. And if you feel like communicating with your date… Probably wait until the freak out is over and be honest. Had a date and there is no chemistry? There’s no chemistry, don’t over analyse it, be honest and move on. The most important thing is to be authentic and unfortunately vulnerable, because people, this is how we experience a true connection with a significant other.

Outcome: Sorry, I am just in awe at my sensibility to the above. I wish I could totes take my own advice. If I could apply my own advice, I would probably date more often.

It’s very easy to say this now… I am hoping now I am older, I have learnt from my previous dating mistakes and if I am lucky enough to start dating someone properly again it will be because of that person, not because I am ‘making myself’ find someone. If that makes sense? You don’t need someone else to make you whole – you are whole, but you want someone who complements you, who supports you and who loves you for you. If you do find someone who you think is truly a wonderful person then don’t be a dick… be yourself, don’t play games and communicate.

In summary:

We all forget how incredibly vulnerable dating is. It’s about risk sometimes with your own heart and someone else’s. There is so much going on in your head… Did I really learn enough from my last relationship? Will I make the same mistakes again? Will I treat this person well enough? But all you can really do is own your own shit. Don’t try to assume what the other person is thinking or feeling as this will ultimately drive you crazy. Just own your feelings and don’t be afraid of being vulnerable. Don’t game play, be honest and open yourself up as ultimately you will eventually find someone and it will be worth it. However, as I preach this wisdom, I am sure by the time this is published at the end of April I will have deleted all the dating apps and purchased 17 cats to watch Netflix with. Although there is a small part of me that hopes that someone will stumble in, mainly so I can do what makes me happy and that is to be part of a team again with someone who is awesome.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ with a little help from Lauren Kamasz and Katrina Peden.

Life. Oh Life.

2016-03-24T02:32:00.000-07:00

I was very lucky to be in the audience for 'Tears of a clown' by Madonna

Hello there readership, how are we all? My, my, aren’t we powering through 2016 at an alarming pace! I attempted to have a month of organising myself. You know, one of those months where you pretend to adult, make some life plans, sort your life admin and generally try to succeed at, well, in the words of Desiree, life. Then I suddenly realised it has been two whole months and I have not blogged and neither is my life in order. Oh life.

My ability to adult is getting better despite some evidence to the contrary, I don’t actually know what adulting is… I assume it’s where one has the appearance of having ones shit together. I think I’m too honest for that, I am sure most of my stories begin with… You’ll never guess what I did today? It’s better to be real and authentic though don’t you think? Otherwise we end up back in the 1950’s where woman politely laugh at their husbands jokes and nod in agreement with every one of his arguments around the dinner table about how the world is flat. My what glorious times! Well, I am sure all the men reading this would concur life would be better if we could revert back to this era… Then I am also surprised if there are any men reading this… If there are then I imagine they typed in ‘lesbian’ to their Google search engine and are now ‘hugely’ disappointed. Oh life.

There’s also something quite romantic about the 1950’s… The innocence and politeness of it all, but gosh I would not have coped very well. I think it was while watching a wonderful movie (which you have to watch) called Carol with the delightful Cate Blanchett, that the thought struck me of how lucky I am to be alive now because oh my god, there is nothing on earth quite like the experience of falling in love and this movie is unique in the way the characters fall in love. Beautifully shot and much to the disappointment of my accidental Google search followers, the most un-tacky and romantic lesbian movie I have ever seen. However, I think the gloriousness of the movie is the unlesbian-cliché-ness… In fact you don’t even feel like you have watched a lesbian movie. You feel like you have just watched a 1950’s fairy tale of love against all. I have to say that if I had lived in the 1950’s I cannot guarantee I would have had the same bravery… I probably would have been at the dinner table politely laughing and nodding at my husbands jokes… While probably, most likely, no actually – most definitely, secretly lusting after the maid… What darling? I would have totally been highbrow.

And isn’t that rather apt for my blog that summarises my latest adventures through February (well, also March) is also the first time I have felt like watching a ‘romance’ in a long time, especially during valentines month herself. I braved the cinema alone to experience that feeling through someone else’s eyes and it was well worth the experience, so go watch that movie.

Alice and Vicky during birthday celebrations!

It was also the housewife’s birthday month in February, so we should all start singing Happy Birthday to Alice. I headed back to Perth for a visit to help her celebrate the day she was born. While I was back Alice was telling me a little tale from a whale shark experience she had. She was in Australia’s North West heading out to sea, the boat had set sail a mere two minutes when Alice asked ‘are we nearly there yet?’ to which she received the response, ‘it takes two hours to get to the area where the whale sharks are at.’ Alice was already dressed in her wet suit ready to go hanging off a seat excitedly rocking her legs. Now if you know Alice you know this would not have gone down well as patience is not really listed in her strengths.

Another thing and Alice that do not go well is instructions, because along with having minimal patience she also has the attention span of a… Oh look a shiny bit of paper… Ahhh, now I see why we’re such good friends.

Anyway it was explained to stay at the side of the whale shark and not to move too frantically as they like bubbles. Alice missed this little instruction and she swam out wondering why the rest of the group were around the side of the whale shark, she was totally going to get all the action right in front of it! Of course as Alice was swimming, creating little bubbles as she swam, the whale shark was like, ‘oooo bubbles’ and swam towards Alice. Alice got a little bit unsure and swam a bit harder creating more bubbles and the whale shark followed more enthusiastically, and of course the more Alice tried to get away the more her new friend was attracted to her like a magnet. ‘Ooo bubbles.’ When she returned from her trip she showed the video of her experience with some friends who while watching this massive whale shark on the big screen began to laugh saying, ‘what is that crazy tiny thing away from the rest of the group? That is insane!’ to which Alice eventually had to reply… ‘Oh yeh, that, that’s me.’ Oh life.

And this is why we love her and her stories with her wonderful Irish story telling abilities. So as she starts the adventures of her 30’s and I hit the final straight of mine… Mmmm, maybe not straight… Final fence? Final bend? Something like that. I literally have three years to do everything I wanted to do by the time I was 30 (I incorrectly applied the use of the word literally… It’s actually a little over three years but enough of me bragging to my elders…) by the time that I’m 40. I am not sure how achievable that is as I had planned to buy a house, travel South Amercia, the whole of Europe and the West Coast of the States and Canada… Oh life.

The last few weeks have felt very #YOLO, as I ended up seeing Madonna twice in concert when I wasn’t supposed to be seeing her at all. One of the concerts I was very lucky to win tickets to the tears of a clown show. It was an amazing week, however I was greatly disappointed at the fabrication of the press and the lies I read in print… Madonna drunk. Madonna losing it. Madonna was 72 hours late. I was at two shows in Melbourne and she was on point. What saddens me about the press reviews is that they were bullying a 57 year old woman who is quite frankly looking amazing and smashing out a 7 month intense concert. So I go back to my point earlier in the blog about the 1950’s… As much as we have evolved, there are a few areas around gender diversity and age equality I think we need a wakeup call on.

So as we close off the blog of February/March I thought I would share the news that I have a full time editor for the book to try and hurry things along… Well we don’t want to rush things but at last the publisher journey will begin and if I get my skates on I might make millions of pounds/dollars in time for me to do my ‘before I’m 30 list but really before I’m 40’. Then everyone can finally get their hands on my book. Oh life.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’.

Lesbian dating according to the worst lesbian dater in the world

2016-02-07T18:21:00.000-08:00

What!? I'm a catch.

Good day readers! (Me taking an Australian greeting and making it as terribly British as one possibly can).

Well, readers this month I thought I would cover the tumultuous subject of lesbian dating. Over the last year, I have taken one for the team in the name of "research" as my book is essentially a coming of age tale. I thought I really ought to mingle with the masses rather than continue my recent sofa surfing... so I've dabbled on and off with the dating scene like an indecisive meerkat but, as a tireless romantic, I was like ‘better get yourself out there Hawkins’. I’ll tell you now that it has not been successful but, in the name of “research”, here is my handy guide to 'how not to do lesbian dating' and the characters you’re likely to come across:

The Charlie Lima Indigo Tango tease:

I am ever so polite, so I have taken to phonetics to make my point here. The one who 'just isn't sure'. She wants to go on 'just one more date' and thinks ‘you're just great'. There is more stringing along here than bungee jumping off the Royal Gorge Bridge in Colorado: The batting of the eyelashes, saying just enough to make you return for more come back tours than the Rolling Stones... You know you're being stupid. You're friends tell you you're being stupid. Hell, even the tease herself tells you you’re being stupid.

Outcome: the loss of more self-respect than Monica Lewinsky.

The curious one aka 'my husband won't mind':

Once his fantasies are quenched, I have news: Yes, yes, and thrice yes he will mind. This character is the one who retains the vital piece of information regarding said marriage until right up to the last two minutes of the date. The one who makes you think for a split second, ‘Actually, what the hell, let’s do this! #YOLO’. The curious ones initially embark their adventures as a twosome in search of a third, and then decide they would much prefer their horizontal dancing (or hell, even vertical) with you. However, despite popular urban myth, gay people respect the sanctity of marriage* and your common sense eventually kicks in once you’ve consulted at least five friends.

Outcome: emotional head Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo. Do not pass GO and do not collect $200.
*87.3% of gay people according to a completely mythical study I just made up

The U-haul:

After a plethora of disastrous encounters of the vagatarian kind, you meet a lovely young lady. The first date starts well: Chemistry, intelligent banter, laughter... Then things start to take a turn... 'What are you doing next July? I was thinking South France would be good that time of year for a break'... 'Where do you live? That's great for my commute to work'... ‘What are you doing tomorrow? If I ask the u-haul truck to get there at 6:30pm will you be there?' My dear god this parachute is a rucksack!

Outcome: leave immediately, if not sooner.

The absolute mentalist:

This one is like scientific proof of why some people are 'left on the shelf' and makes you question if your dates have put you in that same category due to your recent misadventures. Within one minute, your date is telling you about the time her friend dropped his pants and exposed himself to a room full of people, then falls off her chair laughing before her phone rings... 'Look mum, f*ck off I'm on a date... God leave me alone'. Then hangs up on her mum and tells you her mum is a d*ck head before then telling you that she has been sitting in a car park drinking Jim Beam all day.

Outcome: wrap up date in 27 minutes and do not give that crazy Bravo Indigo Tango Charlie Hotel your number!

The man:

If it's good enough for your heterosexual counterparts to play the curiosity card, well maybe you should experiment too. Please note this can lead to potentially really awkward Sierra Echo X-ray as you will need to consult a manual.

Outcome: you are probably drunk and your lifetime lesbian membership card will be revoked.

The normal one:

Does not exist: The truth is we're all completely nuts... Just some are better at hiding it than others. Dating helps you narrow down just how much crazy you can love.

Outcome: when you find it, hold on to it while trying not to appear like specimen C - ‘The U-haul’.

That's enough sharing of my wisdom from my recent misadventures. However, I am sure over the next month if I meet 'the one', my blog will be about how we picked out our new curtains, the names of our two cats and our love of motorbike adventures through the Australian bush. What!? A lot can happen in a month!!

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and edited by the legendary Lindsey Barnett.

New Year: A time for reflection

2016-01-03T22:46:00.001-08:00

Where is this self improvement everyone talks about?

Happy New Year beloved readers! Where did the last one go?! As we enter 2016, it is once again that time of year that we all love, where we reflect and ponder, to decide how we are going to be better people. Clearly quitting alcohol, throwing away those cigarettes and starting up the gym all contribute greatly to the path of being a better person. Prepare yourself for gym madness in January, grumpy non-smokers and smug ‘I’ve not drunk any alcohol in 2 days and I feel great’ Facebook posts. This month, people can truly don their active wear and feel smug at its correct usage. Personally, I believe 2016 is the year we should truly focus on what being a ‘better person’ means.

While planning my blog around this theme, I was reminded of a time long long ago… pretty much before dinosaurs walked the planet… A time we call the nineties, way back in the 20th century. I was working at a children’s holiday camp in Ohio in the good ol’ United States of America. There was a whopping eight of us on the staff who were international, and we were due to go away for a weekend. Unfortunately our planned accommodation called on the Thursday to explain that they had double booked and we had nowhere to stay. We tried to negotiate why we should have the accommodation over the other reservation but we failed.

There ensued a lot of panic as we’d only been in America for a month and it’s not a nice feeling being so far from home and having nowhere to stay. We spoke to our camp director about staying on at the camp instead, but she politely informed us that this would be a health and safety risk as the camp was closing for the weekend. I was a little confused about why it was a health and safety risk… Maybe grown adults on an American camp could cause some spontaneous combustion of all racoons within a 500 metre radius? I think potentially she meant it was a security risk, but I guess we will never know.

We bargained, begged and (uh, something else beginning with b….) bugged her to let us stay, but she wouldn’t back down. Come late on Friday she stood at the camp’s entrance, making sure we left the site, eight international members of her team, with nowhere to go, desolately trudging down the long driveway while she stood with arms crossed and watched.

One of the American staff members very kindly managed to arrange for us to stay with some of her family at the last minute. We literally slept all over this poor person’s house – on the floor, on the sofa, in the garden (ok now I am exaggerating), but you get the picture. This relative was a legend taking in eight people they didn’t know at such short notice. It was a stressful time and there were a lot of tears thinking we might have to sleep in the street or hire a car to sleep in!

After the weekend we returned to camp feeling pretty let down and our camp director quite rightly called a team meeting. I think she was trying to make us all feel better and loved, despite the ‘health and safety risk’ we nearly put the camp under. Things kind of escalated, even though the kids were arriving for camp in a mere couple of hours. As much as I hate contributing to female stereotypes, this was an all-female camp and the meeting turned into a complete mess of crying, with some of the staffers storming off site and resigning on the spot. The camp director had essentially lost control by kicking out her international team members that had nowhere to stay for the weekend and now we were staff down.

We came up with some emergency plans and assigned new teams ensuring we met minimum childcare laws in terms of adult to child ratios -perhaps a more accurate and important interpretation of health and safety legislation. By the end of the day, the kids were asleep in their tents. We were doing our usual planning session for the next day and it was around 11pm. One of the senior team came to our site to join the end of our planning; she wanted to ‘debrief’ the morning’s events. You know, because keeping your staff up for another couple of hours is being completely considerate of their wellbeing, especially when they’re bound to be woken up by homesick kids halfway through the night.

We sat for two hours debriefing the situation and arguing about the danger we were nearly put in by our original accommodation and by our employers, who were meant to be giving us full board and care over the course of our employment. We essentially agreed to disagree: The weekend was gone and the more important task of looking after the children in our care was now at hand.

As the assistant camp director got up to leave, she asked us to turn off the flood lights from the picnic area and she made her way out. We were in the middle of nowhere in Ohio: Those lights went out and the camp fell into pitch black darkness. My friend Alison and I adjusted our eyes before making the move back to our tent. All of a sudden we heard an almighty crash and clutter- we got up and reached for the light switch to see the air filled with soot, the seating area all upturned and, in the middle of the fire pit (luckily a very cool fire pit due to how long ago we had put out the fire), was the assistant camp director, flat on her back. I couldn’t contain myself and just doubled over laughing. Alison immediately fell over laughing and we could not stop the tears from streaming down our faces while we completely lost our composure. The assistant camp director was fine, not hurt at all, and she eventually started laughing with us.

Over the next week, we got the camp up and running efficiently and we just muddled through together, because we were good people who, despite wanting to up and leave, knew there were children arriving and their wellbeing and safety came first. The background issues in the camp were never fully resolved but we found a way to work through it.

My point is that behaviour and relationships are so important. Yes, there may have been reasons why we couldn’t stay on the camp that weekend without senior staff being around. However, how hard is it to communicate that effectively and with compassion? The lack of consistency in behaviour was also amusing… there are health and safety reasons for not allowing your team to stay on site but it’s okay to break them by keeping them up talking about the issue until 1am and then asking for the floodlights to be turned out only to end up in the fire pit… Priceless. A couple of calls to the powers that be in the camp could have established that it was ok for us to stay, but the camp director didn’t do that. She could have explained the situation to senior staff, but she didn’t do that either. Care and compassion went out the window.

I learnt a lot doing Camp America, mainly a lot about myself and my values. Those children came first no matter how tired you were, no matter what the issues were – you performed your role as a carer. Essentially you did your job and fulfilled your tasks. I believe you end up being the better person when you stay true to yourself, your values and you don’t lower yourself to someone else’s level. How far do you really get without other peoples skills? Experience? Love? Care? Yes, you should prioritise your needs in terms of your safety and survival, but how much more do you gain by putting yourself out ever so slightly for someone in a worse position than you?

So, when making resolutions for 2016 I’d suggest thinking about what you say and how you say it. Think about the promises you’re making and whether you can actually see them through: If you can’t then honestly explain why; we’re not perfect. Your behaviour says so much to those you love: Broken promises, crap communication and false hope are the biggest relationship killers. If you really love the people around you, be a better person for them because one of the scariest things in life is losing the good ones through your own behaviour.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett.

Part Two: Question time

2015-12-23T02:05:00.000-08:00

Part One: Question time

2015-12-07T01:17:00.001-08:00

Dah dah! Question time

In last month’s blog I let you all know that the draft copy of my book is being read by six very important people whose opinions I value to help shape the final edit. Therefore, this month’s blog is going to have a slightly different feel to previous blogs, which I am very excited about. And I hope you are too. My good friend and sister from another mister – Lisa – suggested that each of my six readers should ask the author (me!?) a question about the story. So below is part one of the resulting Q&A with my sample readers, and I hope it gives you all a little insight into the actual project itself!

In the book you make lots of references to various songs. Are the songs you refer to ones that have had a significant impact on your life personally, or are they chosen purely for the purpose of the story?

I love this question. For selfish reasons really. I love music which is why I have used it thematically throughout my book. Some of the choices were just big hits in the era in which the book is set but some were actually very influential songs in my life. The first song I reference in the book is by Alexander O’Neil called Criticise and is a very real reference as my Dad used to play it in the car. All the time. On the way to school, on the way to family parties, on the way to sports games and on the way to camping trips. All the time. He used to turn it up loud and it is one of my favourite memories from growing up. My dad was a DJ and his passion for music infected me. Music framed my life growing up and this has continued into adulthood. So when I refer to the fact that I pull on situations and scenarios in my life and fictionalise them, this would be one example.

The most meaningful reference is to a song called Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. It was a massively important song in my life: It was my coming out song and if you listen to the lyrics closely you can see why it might be so important to me: It is about the conflict of emotions of loving someone you really shouldn’t, which is how I felt all the time. Coming out was a big turning point in my life and the song helped me acknowledge what I was feeling. It also reminds me that you can’t help who you have chemistry with or who you are attracted to. The one song I really wanted to use is called Take Me To The Clouds Above by LMC vs U2, but due to the era of the book I was unable to use it. Another hugely important song in my life as it was playing the first time a woman told me that they loved me. It was also when I realised I was falling in love with them (grab some crackers, quince paste and some port just to help that cheese go down a little easier).

How much of yourself do you see in Sarah? (Sarah is the protagonist in the story)

I guess I tried to make Sarah a stronger version of myself. So there are similarities. Definitely one of the most obvious is that she is from Bristol and she ends up living in Australia. Sound familiar?! She follows a similar path to me: I have used my emotional journey of coming out as fundamental input into her character, so I guess I would say from that perspective I see myself in her through the way she coped with it all. I would say Sarah is an ‘aspirational’ version of me in what I would do differently in terms of coping with coming out. However, to keep the character real, she obviously had to be a true reflection of someone younger, so she has to make some mistakes along the way.

I think a lot of people who know me will blur the line but I’ve drawn upon my personal experience to shape the character. Maybe it’s lazy writing but I think from the feedback I have had from my blogs is that my experience of coming out is similar to a large percentage of my gay/bisexual friends. One of the purposes of the book is to show people they are not alone and also maybe give them the super power to process and accept themselves and then help them to live their life guilt free.

What sparked the idea for the book and where did it come from?

I will try to keep this answer succinct because it is actually quite complicated. I was 21/22 when I first thought about writing this book. Essentially I believed I was straight but I had met someone that I had this amazing connection with who was female. I assumed it was just this one-off occurrence and I wanted to write about how this person made me feel: I thought it would make a good story of how amazing attraction can be. However as time progressed I realised this wasn’t a one off situation but that I might actually be attracted to the female of the species. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed when I figured this out. Then I got to thinking how unfair it was that I should be ashamed of who I was attracted to.

Time has taught me not to make excuses for or to divert blame for my feelings… ‘It must be a phase’… ‘It’s just because it’s someone older that I admire’… Own it and don't be ashamed.

The story became something I had to tell so other people knew they were not alone. Of course the story is not just about coming out, it is about friendship and a journey we all go on through life. So the seed was an amazing connection I had to another human being that developed into my coming out story. However, it is important to say that this isn’t my actual coming out story, it is a story designed for other people coming out to relate to.

To be continued…

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett.

Friendship rules OK?

2015-10-28T03:12:00.000-07:00

It's days like these with people like these

Hola señoras y señores. ¿Cómo estamos todos?

So it turns out there are only a few Spanish sentences I can actually pull out of the hat before I am exposed for my basic understanding, but I had to follow through with my promise of writing my next blog in Spanish (ok technically I am not writing this in Spanish, but in my head as I type my internal monologue has a Spanish accent… Does that count?) Let’s face it, foreign languages have never been my strong point, I am still perplexed as to how I managed to get a ‘C’ in GCSE German.

You might want to grab a cup of tea, coffee or potentially a glass of wine and get comfortable as I have a feeling this blog might be a little bit longer than the rest: October has been a busy month. It’s been full of working hard on the book and also many nights’ meanderings through my new home city. I have been pretty sleep deprived since I relocated and I have been a thousand times more reflective than usual, which means about two thousand times more reflective than your average person.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship this month because I am convinced that this is one area of my life I am blessed in and my blog last month touched on RU OK? day. My goodness, over the last year if it wasn’t for my housewife Alice, I think I would have given up on life altogether. I tried to put a good front on and pretend that I had everything completely under control, but I think most people could see through that, due to my inability to really hide what is going on under the surface, Alice was the most patient, kind and understanding angel. There is no other word to describe Alice’s arrival in my life so, as well as calling her my housewife, I secretly call her an angel because that is exactly what she was and still is. She wasn’t the only angel there for me at this time, as I was lucky enough to be supported from near and far.

Alice and I on our road trip across Australia

In the UK, my group of friends from school have forever been a rock and a constant in my life. As a teenager I had no idea how much support and laughter they would go on to provide over the years. They are a consistent source of light and account for a large percentage of all the repeats that play out in my memory, like a good old rerun of Friends. I remember one night standing with my mum at a house party that my friends were in attendance at: They were all at dancing around and causing mischief. My mum put her arm around my shoulder and said, ‘You are so lucky, I love those girls and what they have brought into your life.’ Well said mum.

Then, when I moved to Perth from the UK, I was blessed with a second family. They took me under their roof and made sure that I was invited to family parties and truly made to feel welcome. I never once felt like a burden or an inconvenience, I have always just felt like I was always meant to be there and the transition to Australia was made so much easier by the love and support they gave me.

Why am I telling you all of this? Not just to do a massive ‘I am so grateful blah blah blah’ speech and to rub my happiness in everyone’s faces. It’s because I went through a period of feeling worthless, unattractive, and a whole dollop self-loathing. It wasn’t a short period of time either, it was a long period of time – the pain I felt in the pit of my stomach, the sharp pain in my heart and the sinking feeling every time my alarm went off that I had to face another day. Every day I thought, just get up and go through the motions. I didn’t even have the energy to tell myself that things will get better and to keep going. I hid myself away and felt like I was in a pit of darkness.

Over 20 years of friendship right there. Beautiful souls.

They were not good times and this is why Alice was an angel at that time. She pretty much forced her support on me… Calling, texting and showing up at my house on Saturdays with food. She dragged me out by my hair and nothing was ever too much trouble. We should all aim to do that for someone in need at some point in our lives, because you have no idea the impact you can have on another’s life. Alice pushed me out of my comfort zone, ordering me out of the house and giving me the courage to get back out into the real world again.

It was a long process and I thought I would never ever get out of that slump but I did. And I just want to say it was so, so, soooo worth it. The last six months have been amazing and I feel truly blessed just to wake up in the morning. Now instead of focusing on what went wrong and all the bad things that happened to me, I wake up with the focus of everything that is amazing and how much I have learnt.

I have been taken under the wing of more friends since I have arrived in Melbourne. It’s like they were created specifically to take me on to the next period of my life… I know they weren’t (don’t worry I am not that egotistical) but I am very lucky. I think my appreciation of them reached its pinnacle on Friday night when I was sitting on Matt’s balcony, sipping cold beer with the backdrop of Melbourne city. The sun was setting, we were laughing and chewing the fat. Life was good.

My Aussie family and guardians

We got through enough beer* to sink the Titanic and it was just one of those moments in life when you feel elated with the love of friendship. On my way out, I thought it was a fair trade for the amount of Matt’s beer I had consumed to offer to take out our empties. I literally staggered out of his flat with a box full of empty bottles, and stacked on top of that was the packaging of the food we had eaten. I could just about see over the top of the box. Just.

We had finished our evening with ghost stories, as you do when it’s dark and you’re drunk. I got in the lift and hit the button for the ground floor. I was grinning as I relived moments of the evening and replayed some of our conversations. The lift doors opened and as I stepped out I was surrounded by 20 emergency personnel. (There were probably three, but I was drunk and seeing triple… And yes, the math didn’t add up there). It was pretty surreal and I was torn between dropping the box and putting my hands in the air while yelling ‘it wasn’t me’ and waiting to be handcuffed.

‘Do you live here?’ a hot woman in uniform asked me, and I couldn’t help but laugh as I weighed up the possibility that my friends had organised a strip show for me, (because we have already established I have awesome friends).

‘No I am juscht taking my friendchs rubbisch out,’ I replied hiccupping. I was glared at by the 20 emergency personnel while I clattered around the hallway trying various doors as I realised I did not know where the bin area was.

Team work makes the dream work

I eventually found the right place, threw the rubbish in the skip and walked back to the corridor to see what was going on. Although I’d only been gone 10 seconds, there was nobody there. I stopped in my tracks and really looked around. Was I hallucinating? Was this a joke? I walked out into the street and it was filled with emergency vehicles: I felt relieved that I wasn’t imagining things but I couldn’t stop giggling all the way home.

I got up the following day slightly worse for wear and Lindsey (‘ere, Linds) gave me a call. We talked through the book and she passed on some ideas. We had a thorough update on the project, so that afternoon I began my side of the editing process. The goal is still to be approaching publishers by the end of the year and I still believe this is very much achievable. The current version of the book is being reviewed by six very important people who will influence that final version. Six people whose opinions I value, so they also have a very important job in the project… One of the six has finished the new version and I can tell you the feedback on the new ending is exceptionally positive compared to the previous version, so I am feeling a little more confident.

The very long point I am trying to make is that we all go through very hard times and I know it is different for everyone. I know my break up was not unique and I know my situation might not be a big problem for some, but it was for me. During those dark times please try to remember that people love you, people will do anything for you and the darkness lifts eventually. The best piece of advice I can give is that you have to reach out and you have to let people in, even if you feel like no one can help you or that no one will want to listen. Reach out because you have to remember how important you are in this world, how much laughter is waiting for you and how much you are loved. It really is worth fighting for and working yourself out of the darkness. And I’ll be taking my own advice next time.

*Corina Hawkins does not condone the drinking of alcohol in large quantities during hard times. Only ever in the good times while being totally responsible.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett.

RU OK?

2015-09-30T23:55:00.001-07:00

The return... Literally... Getting up from this position was tough.

Good morning, good afternoon and good evening readers!

This is my attempt at appealing to my international audience (by being totally selfish and communicating in English ha. Ooh future blog idea… write the whole thing in Spanish! Or Chinese!), by greeting you all, across the borders, no matter what time of day this is being read. You’ll be relieved to hear September has been another great month. I realise I am probably getting annoying with all my ‘I love Melbourne’, ‘Melbourne is great’, ‘I love life’. #sorrynotsorry.

I’m sure you’ve picked up on the vibe of life transition from my earlier blogs (if you have been on the journey with me so far and I’ve not lost you along the way). When you go through a major life change, the kind that happens when your long relationship breaks up, then you kind of fall apart, then start pulling yourself back together, then have a few more knocks, you feel you’re going completely crazy. In fact, saying crazy is unfair but you feel completely unstable as there has been a period of massive change… Moving out of your house, selling your stuff, not having that person in your life anymore, moving across the country, all the while questioning everything you’re doing and everything you thought to be true. When you start feeling back to yourself and strong again, it is an amazing feeling.

September held ‘RU OK?’ day, which is a really important initiative as so many of us are afraid of talking about mental health. Whether people have ongoing mental health challenges or are going through an isolated issue, the most important thing you can do as a friend, colleague or acquaintance is ask ‘are you ok?’ And just be there. So many people try to fix the problem, get frustrated or just leave someone alone that is having a hard time. All these friends need is support to know you are there, that is it. It’s as simple as asking ‘are you ok?’ but being genuine and hanging around to listen.

I will forever and ever be grateful for everyone that was there for me through my breakup. The daily texts, calls and invites to make sure I wasn’t alone and I was ok. Friendships are so important and the false promises through this time are the most hurtful acts, so don’t just say it, do it.

Sometimes you feel like you are at rock bottom and it feels like you are never going to get back up… Then one day you feel exhilarated, elated and alive again. You literally cannot wipe the smile off your face, and the knocks you were getting while you were feeling low suddenly don’t feel as bad and you can put perspective on it again. It is so important to focus on getting back to that feeling and ‘faking it until you make it’*1, which was a good piece of advice I was given.

I’ve had so many late night talks and late night laughs in the last month with some amazing friends both new and old. I am probably the most sleep deprived I have been for years but I am living life and I feel loved, supported and lucky. I don’t care how much of a cheese fest that is, lap it up and add some quince paste if you will, maybe even a nice glass of merlot. The truth is, every one of us is supported, loved and if you don’t feel that way then you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Just make sure as much as you make sure you have good people there for you, make sure you also are there for other people. This makes the world go round. Call it a self-made karma friendship if you will.

Another thing that has really helped me is exercise. Since a young age I have heavily been involved in team sports… I love them… They do not love me though and after my third hockey season in a row of ending up on crutches, I called it a day. I miss it every year but as I have referenced before, I discovered crossfit. I have recently had 6 weeks off from crossfit (or 5 weeks… or 7 weeks… depends on who I’m talking to!). This month, just shortly before writing this blog, I returned.

Now for other exercise junkies and overly competitive people, this next part will ring true. I had a momentary memory lapse when I returned to the box (no, I’m not being all lesbian, this is an actual crossfit term for where the cult hangs out). I thought over the last 6 weeks I have still been exercising… Alas, I had not. I left the box that fine morning and noticed that I could not walk. For those that exercise regularly, the sensation of pain I was feeling was something I would expect 48 hours after a tough session… This was 48 seconds later. 3 hours later I was concerned when I audibly yelped getting up from my desk… 12 hours later I wept into my pillow when I rolled in my sleep and thought I had dislocated my hip… 24 hours later I nearly wet myself at my desk when I refused to go to the toilet as steel rods had replaced my quads… 48 hours later I had assumed I had slept for much longer than I thought and had awoken in 2059 and was waiting for the nurse to bring my zimmer frame and early morning meds… it was 5 days later when I was finally able to walk again. 5 days!!

However, the endorphin rush was well worth it and despite the pain I returned today. This time I still can feel my legs and I managed to walk rather than commando crawl to my room. I have been reminded of why you should not take 6 weeks off exercise and most importantly, not sensibly ease yourself back in. I stand by my words though, that exercise gives you an amazing buzz (once the pain subsides) and is the best natural mood lift.

Now I know this is a skipping through the meadow with some uplifting 80s music playing as you swish your hair around kind of blog… And we all know life isn’t like that 100% of the time… There are assholes, there are users and there are manipulators… but don’t let those people damage you and don’t let them bring you down, remove them from your life and then move on because there are equally amazing people out there for you to meet. For every bad egg you remove from your life, you make room for a good one*2.

Credit where credit is due:

*1 Lisa McMillan on many email pick me ups.

*2 Lauren Kamasz on a tram or over a glass of wine I can’t remember which, maybe I should stop socialising with you.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett.

The city of soul

2015-08-27T01:19:00.002-07:00

Melbourne city from Eureka 89

Let’s dive right in like a teenaged boy on a first date.

We left off wondering whether Alice and I would survive our perilous journey across this gigantic country of ours, or become just another notch on the Nullabor’s bedpost. I’m pleased to say that, rather amazingly, two blondes made it safely from Perth to Melbourne, with their lives and friendship still intact. I’m not going to play on stereotypical notions of blonde females (or even the Irish!) being a bit dumb. Quite the contrary – we f**ing nailed it. I am sure you had already concluded that we’d survived by the very fact that I am posting this… Either that or this blog is finally proof that there is indeed life after death.

I have spent the last month settling into Melbourne life. I truly believe that by moving 3,000 kilometres away that I am suddenly far cooler than I was before. If I had travelled 2,999 kilometres then I would still be just as geeky and boring as before, but that extra kilometre really did it for me.

I have mostly been very touched - in a non-sexual way - by the amazing way people rally around and help you settle in when you’re new to a place. I have had to ask for very little as my social calendar has been filled with offers to help me adjust to life here.

I already have a mini network that I’ve been tapping in to. The nicest part is the lovely link to my original hometown of Bristol, so I’ve been catching up with a few old school friends and work friends. Then I have the Victorian contingent of the team I used to work in from WA. I would name them but they are such private people and they hate to be in the limelight – so let’s call them Lauren, Matt and Bridget for code*. They are a bunch of social reprobates and have already initiated me into the Melbourne nightlife and have passed on to me some local secrets.

We read such a lot of negativity about people and how bad human nature is becoming these days, yet I believe that really only represents the 5% of the population that are douche bags. The rest of us are normal people looking out for each other, and I am very grateful to those that are looking out for me.

I have managed to find many a secret bar and this makes me feel even cooler than I did 3,000 kilometres ago. If you have never been to Melbourne you really should. Perth is pretty, Sydney is iconic but Melbourne has soul. For the fifth year running Melbourne has been named the number one place to live in the world. Not that I am bragging (I totally am).

The best and most important thing that has happened so far is that I installed this app called WAPA. For those of you new to lesbian culture, WAPA is an app similar to Tinder only not as gross and for lesbians. In Perth when I switched this app on (technical term) I had eight tiny pictures appear on my screen. In Melbourne I switched this bad boy on – sorry, bad girl – and ended up with wrist strain (…don’t go there!) from the pages and pages of results I had to scroll through. Now I don’t know if this means that Melbourne is a portal to lesbos exactly, but it’s certainly not a bad sign.

To further cement my love of Melbourne, I attended a lesbian night. For research. I know, these are things one has to do for the creative process. You’re welcome. I initially thought I had made a mistake and had walked into a modelling convention – I actually had to check that the sign above the door was right. Lo and behold, I was indeed in the correct place. And therefore this paragraph cements the idea that yes, this blog is coming from beyond the grave because I have died and gone to heaven. HULLOOOOOO MELBOURNE!

*This is actually their real names, they love being centre of attention.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett, who is a legend.

A new, actual, real life journey. Like in a car.

2015-07-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

Proof that Alice and I survived our road trip from Perth to Melbourne - 3,641 kms in 3 days

Hey readers! (That makes me feel like I have just demoted you all – let’s start again).

Hey friends! How are we all? Have we been well? It’s great starting a blog with a few rhetorical questions isn’t it? I feel it’s polite before I bang on about what has been happening with the novel and my life in general, just to check in on how you all are. All 3 of you. I jest, there’s at least 300 of you but let’s not brag about my dizzying heights of blogging success.

When we last spoke I teased you with many things, the first being that I have rewritten the ending of my book. Oh my gosh, this has me on the edge of my seat… Was this a good decision? Who knows but let’s roll with it. And it’s too late now, I’m not rewriting it again!

I also teased you all that a big thing that was about to be happening, so let me tell you more about that. Are you ready? By the time this is published… are you sitting down? I will be in… wait for it… my new hometown of … where could it be?... Melbourne!! I am moving to Melbourne for work! By the time you read this I will have also just driven 36 hours across Australia to get there, making this journey with my housewife Alice (don’t worry, she is totally comfortable with her sexuality and Dean, her boyfriend, is totally cool with me calling her this). Hopefully by the time this blog is published we are:

(1)    Not potential characters for the new Wolf Creek movie

(2)    Not the headline on Australian papers… “Yet another pair of stupid poms get stranded in the outback and costs us millions to rescue”

(3)    Still speaking to each other.

By then, I will be pretending to be a totally (sorry, totes) hip and happening member of Melbourne society. I will be frequenting the cool local ‘secret code-word’ bars and eating enough delish food to counter any crossfit (stop rolling your eyes I can see you) activity. That’s the dream. In reality, I will probably be sitting alone in my new room wishing I still had friends. But for now, let’s pretend that my hundreds of new Melbourne friends will be loving me and that we will all be laughing and rolling our heads back at how great life is.

In a rather lovely, yet loose, link back to my superb friends and the actual novel itself... I had a chat with Lindsey the other day - you remember Linds, she is the very cool lady editing my blogs and book. We had an update on the edit and it went a little something like this:

Linds: “Ere Crinal! [That’s Bristolian for ‘hey Corina’. She’s not from Bristol, it’s just her impression of me]. You know that novel of yours that’s like five bajillion words long?”

Corina: “Ere Linds! [A Bristolian response to ‘hey Corina’ with ‘hey Lindsey’]. Is this a rhetorical question?”

Linds: “Affirmative.” (Lindsey speaks as though she is a walking thesaurus. For the purposes of all of us, I’ll translate from here. ) “Well, here’s the thing. I promise promise promise I have made a start on the edit, but then I purchased a puppy who is mental, and work has been incredibly busy so I have been working 23 hours a day, 7 days per week, trying to maintain a social life and a relationship, travel to the Philippines and Melbourne, have my brother to stay, train a beagle, keep in touch with family in England, use my yoga Scoopon, paint the bathroom, be the perfect housewife and exercise so as not to get fat. Is there any chance we can possibly maybe perhaps change the deadline to the end of September? Please? Not rhetorical.”

Corina: “Certainly Lindsey. I suppose the fact I am paying you with wine hasn’t helped either?”

Lindsey: *Unable to respond as snoring on floor drunk.*

Anyway, that is where we are with the book. We have a revised deadline of the end of September for the edit. Then I will be smashing through the comments – while still maintaining the level of pure creative genius that you’ve come to expect of me – to achieve my own deadline of getting said book to the publishers before 2015 is out. Woah! There so much to do and so little time. Meanwhile, I will be continuing with my monthly blog to keep you updated on the progress of this modern piece of classic literature.

Let me continue briefly with last month’s theme of self-gratification: This month has been exceptionally crazy with work, relocating, exercising (see I don’t say crossfit all the time), the heartache of leaving my friends in Perth aaaaaand to top it all off I turned a whole other year older. While that’s all been going on, I’ve been writing this and organising getting the edit done (aka waking Lindsey up from her wine-fuelled stupor and bribing her with more). I don’t think that is too bad for a month’s work. Of course I am also prone to exaggeration, so take that as you will.

Before I sign off I feel I should share something poignant with you all as I have been quite deep and meaningful recently… I guess my main lesson of 2015 has been the quote below. I know, I know you’ll all be thinking, ‘how has it taken you 36 years, 7 days, 7 hours and 11 minutes to figure this out?’ Well it has. It’s simple but it’s the best piece of advice I can give to anyone:

“We are not what we think, or what we feel, or what we say, we are what we do” – Dr. Gordon Livingston

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett, who is a (overworked) legend.

All these things that I have done

2015-06-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

Hey readers! This month I will kick off with some self-gratification and not the kind I am most fond of hehe. This month is birthday month for me and when it comes to birthdays, I think we all do a little reflection on the preceding year.

My reflection this year has encouraged me to slap myself on the back as I am feeling pretty proud of completing my novel and, although it has taken ages, I am so happy with my dedication to finally getting it done! When I look at the document in my desktop folder I am a little overwhelmed that I managed to sit and write 96,000 words… Although, I do like to talk a lot so it’s probably not surprising I managed to write so much!

I feel like a lot has been achieved this month, not just with my mammoth creative project but personally: I think this month is probably the most content I have felt for a very long time. You know when you are truly feeling like yourself again? I’ve got so much more energy and every day is full of something being accomplished. Despite my shoulder injury holding me back a bit I am back at crossfit which is a great feeling (now stop it, I can hear your internal groans and eye rolls). I also focused on staying true to the protagonist of my book (I feel like the she is my homie and I need to look after her) and as such there could be some very exciting times coming up for me in the not too distant future.

As I casually mentioned in my last blog, I have rewritten the ending of my book in the last month. I have also been brainstorming cover ideas and I have asked a good friend Nathan to start the creative process of mocking this up, so at least my novel will soon have a ‘face’ which I hope to share with you soon. All in all, it is starting to get really exciting.

The most pleasing thing about the last month on a macro scale has been the wonderful and historical announcements as Ireland voted heavily in favour of same sex marriage being recognised. Then - something I thought I would not see for another decade - the United States have ruled that same sex marriage is recognised nationally! This is a massive step forward. I am hoping this will soon lead to a dictionary redefinition and that we no longer talk about straight marriage and gay marriage. We’ll just call it marriage.

Another thing I have managed to do this month is listen to music and just chill out. As you know, it’s my favourite thing to do: Put some tunes on, grab a glass of red and light some candles. The song at the top of this month’s blog is Cavalier by James Vincent McMorrow and relates strongly to the book. It relates to regret… The lyrics are haunting and a little trippy but my interpretation is that James is singing about his first love, longing for the return of those initial feelings and how they are now lost. It’s a beautiful song and I listened to it a lot while writing the end of my story.

Oh, and I’ve watched ‘How I met your Mother’ pretty much back to back, which is an achievement I’m extremely proud of.

So it is my birthday month (don’t all start singing happy birthday at once or go running out to purchase me some gorgeous gifts), and as I turn another year older and technically another year wiser (maybe?!) I’m pretty happy with how far I’ve come in the last year.

I was talking to a group of friends recently and I think it’s true to say that every year that goes by I don’t necessarily feel any older. I still feel like I am a 12 year old girl just muddling through each day, although now I have money (supposedly) and responsibilities (ha!). I don’t feel like I am qualified to be making some of the decisions I have to make in everyday life. I think most of us probably muddle through as best we can, but sometimes out of nowhere, the thought strikes us: ‘Shit, when on earth did I become an adult and who on earth decided that I am capable to look after myself!?’ I remember in my late teens thinking at some point you must have some sort of epiphany, probably in your mid-twenties where you suddenly feel very mature and like you have everything figured out. I’ve not had an epiphany and by the time this is published I’ll practically be 36.

Do any of us really have anything figured out? I know I don’t. The only thing that really changes is that you do less dumb crap and you realise that life passes you by in the blink of an eye so you really do have to take chances, tell people what you think and really embrace the good people in your life and never let them go. I think living as an expat it makes you realise this even more: You keep in touch with your friends on the other side of the world and your new friends become your adopted family. That’s the best part my lifestyle right now: If I have a problem my expat family rally around and help me through. Even with this writing project, I put an update on Facebook that I needed help and I have been overwhelmed by people putting their hands up to assist from all round the world.

So as I turn another year older, I will soon be very smug and be able to tell everyone that something else on my bucket list has been ticked off… Camp America – tick. Backpacking around Australia – tick. High fiving everyone I pass on Park Street in Bristol – tick. Running a marathon – tick. Planking in Perth city centre – tick. Writing a book – tick. Publishing a book – ooooo intense. I won’t tell you the rest of my bucket list, it is a closely guarded secret. But knowing me I’ll probably post it on Facebook for the world to see!

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’.

Two be or not two be

2015-06-04T03:56:00.002-07:00

Hello it’s me Corina! The last month for me, has really been pretty cruisy, writing the blog and doing some research around some ideas in the book (the star of the show at the moment is Lindsey who is doing all the work with her editing skills). However lovely blog readers, I have decided to change the ending of my book… Duh duh duuuuh! (That was an attempt to do some dramatic music for you all).

On a personal note I was thinking it might be time to put myself out there and date again, but on the other hand… Am I crazy?! Am I really ready? Spending time with humans!? We’re a complicated bunch!

I came to the decision I wasn’t ready when I ventured out into dating world (that’s right it is in an alternate universe) earlier in May and nearly had a stroke before the date, I have since decided it was the worst idea ever. I don’t like the ‘forced’ style of dating, it almost puts pressure from the outset to ‘like’ someone and I would rather it ‘just happened’. So after nearly having a meltdown, I decided my brave talk of ‘I am ready to meet someone’… is a load of tripe and I am as indecisive as I ever was. Don’t judge me readers. I don’t want to be vulnerable, I don’t want to get hurt… At the moment I just want to be loved by my friends and that is enough. I sounded so brave last time didn’t I!? Well, I’m not, I’m actually a little scared (ahhh, maybe I should buy myself a tiny violin).

I come from a place of stubborn independence and wanting to be the ‘hero’ in life. Mum has often said that as soon as I was able to walk I would walk away from everyone, I didn’t want to hold anyone’s hand and if everyone was heading west, I would head east. Mum even tried the trick of ‘okay, bye’, walking off, only to have me respond ‘ok’ and keep walking in the opposite direction. Apparently my first words were, ‘shut up’… Obviously everyone else talking was interrupting my own thoughts or maybe I was talking so much that all I ever heard was my parents telling me to ‘shut up’.

Anyway, having recently been through a period where I suddenly ‘liked’ someone again and spending time considering what that meant (because it must mean something right!?), I started to ponder how I have dated in the past. And the answer to that is ‘Well, I never have’. I’ve never really been particularly ‘out there,’ I’ve just accidentally met those important people that came into my life. Then as I reflected further and reached back through the cobwebs in to the dim and distant past (just kidding, I’m not that old), I remembered the men I had gone out with and which suddenly reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my male friends years ago. Once he found out I identified as gay, he asked me if I had dated guys. I let him know I had and he asked me if one of my ex-boyfriends had ‘turned me gay?’

This question caught me off guard and is something that had never really occurred to me. The reason he asked was because an ex-girlfriend of his ‘came out’ after dating him. He was paranoid it was him that had caused this.

Firstly, it is not possible for someone to turn someone else gay. Not a bad experience with someone of the opposite sex. Not a door knocking lesbian recruiting people for the cult. Not watching a TV show with gay characters. NOTHING turns you gay.

Secondly, it’s a sign of society that people should ‘have’ to date people of the opposite sex to fit in. Also another sign that guys/girls are ridiculed when it is found out that one of their exes was (and always has been) gay/bi, and that jokes are made. I am all for banter and I enjoy being on the receiving end as well as giving (no pun intended!) but I urge you all to be aware of the impact this has on someone who is in the closet.

Thirdly, I am not poking my finger at ‘heterosexual’ society: Another annoyance of mine is that if someone who identified as ‘lesbian’ or ‘gay’ then goes on to date someone of the opposite sex, they are also ridiculed. I have again heard many jokes… ‘Oh look, here comes the hasbian’. Why can we not just accept that people are just attracted to who they are attracted to? It doesn’t change who they are fundamentally, they are the same person you cared for. It does not matter who people are attracted to, as long as two consenting adults are enjoying the feelings of attraction/love etc. We should just be happy for each other (cue people skipping through a meadow field with flowing white dresses).

Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that I was attracted to the guys I went out with and if anything they should take it as a compliment. Imagine if you grew up in a world where dating the same sex was the norm and everyone else was dating the same sex but you found the opposite sex attractive and made connections with them. However, you hear this feeling is wrong. So you go for the elite, a person you get on brilliantly with and that aesthetically you find attractive. You pick the crème de la crème in your eyes. However, there is always something holding you back from fully giving yourself to that person. That was how the penny dropped for me – I felt electricity around women who I found attractive. So technically, you should not ridicule these people – you should slap their back and they should gloat about it. It is very flattering, but equally not a fair process for either party and the more we talk about it, the more people can be honest about their feelings.

However, I believe fundamentally in attraction and so I never judge anyone on their choices of partner (unless that person is being abusive). Why we find people attractive is something I am naturally interested in. What is it that attracts us to certain people and makes us want to be around them a lot? Is it superficial? An energy? A chemical? I guess writing a novel makes you think about things more than you usually would… However, I have always thought quite deeply about things and used to wake my Mum up in the middle of the night with the most ridiculous questions before being told to ‘get back to sleep’. Unfortunately this has never left me.

So that’s been the last month, me overthinking and Lindsey still powering through the edit. However, my overthinking has made me tweak sections of the novel and I have sent that over to Lindsey to edit with the rest.

The best stories in life (for me) are around stories of how people meet and fall in love. It’s even better if the story has lots of ‘nooooo’, ‘never’ and ‘wow’ moments. Life is all about experience and I find the experience mainly comes from the people we meet. So be grateful to everyone that has been, will always be and will pass through your life.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett, who is a legend.

Happier times are ahead

2015-05-05T22:21:00.002-07:00

It all got very deep last time didn’t it!? I guess that’s me in a nutshell (look at me, here I am in a nutshell). I vary from not taking life too seriously and poking fun at myself to then getting very analytical and deep about life and ‘what does it all actually mean!?’ Sometimes I send myself to sleep.

So… where did we leave off… Oh yes, the steps of piecing things together… I was piecing together the little shards of glass throughout my body and I was slowly putting myself back together into a much stronger and resilient version of my previous self. It was very lucky at this point that I had handed my project over to Lindsey, phew, because trying to sort your sh*t out and write a book is a little troublesome for most non-multi-taskers.

Suddenly life took a twist and an unexpected turn, just as I thought… I am feeling pretty good about myself again, I have purpose, I know how to have fun again and actually, yes, yes I do have a sense of humour. Cue me becoming a ‘bumper sticker’ collector from trolling Facebook and watching lots of funny YouTube clips to inject some purpose and laughter back in. I was feeling on top of the world. I know, I know, I bet you are all well jel of my life at that point.

Previously I explained that my break up cast new ideas and slants on my story and in true story telling fashion recent life events have again influenced the creative project, which will be tweaked upon me getting the novel back from Lindsey.

Essentially I have learnt a lot about myself over the last couple of months, it doesn’t matter how independent you are, you are not immune to falling for someone. A friend of mine introduced me to a friend of theirs last year, she was a lovely lady – fiercely independent and someone I respected but I was still in my ‘woah is me, my life is over and I have no idea what I am doing’ phase. In hindsight this was a foolish thing to do and brings me nicely to a point that while you are busy looking over your shoulder and also focusing on the future, sometimes you miss what is happening right under your nose. This is me telling off past tense Corina (I am also talking about myself in the third person, I always worry about myself when I do that).

Further down the track, I met this person again and they helped me rediscover laughing and bringing out the mischievous side of me, trust me, this Corina had not surfaced for quite some time (is that a third person reference? In the words of Brittney, ‘oops I did it again’). I started to like this new lady in my life as she had awakened an old part of me that had been buried for the last year. In typical, story like fashion, this lovely lady was unfortunately leaving the country. I didn’t listen to anyone, I liked this feeling and I didn’t care if I got hurt at the end (and this was pretty selfish as I didn’t consider the other ladies feelings either).

What developed was a lovely friendship. I have always been driven from the heart and not the head, so I threw caution to the wind and lived in the moment. Who knows why we meet some people – some say that we meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime. At this moment I cannot define that, but I do not regret a second of it.

Anyway, this experience taught me more about myself. Despite being independent and happy with my own company, I learnt that I feel happiest when I am validated as a person. I guess what I mean by being validated, is that someone else validates you are a lovely person and wants to hang out with you because you are fun and supportive to be around. I also love helping people be the best they can, I am at my happiest when this is happening. I don’t think that makes me any less strong or independent to say that I realised that that I don’t need someone but I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to share the journey, to support and have fun with.

It has taught me a lot about what I was trying to say in my novel, I also realised there are some elements I would like to change and that it probably has softened some elements of the novel that I had written while going through my break up. It has helped me rediscover the beauty of getting to know someone else along with the tragedy someone leaving to pursue their dreams.

This leads me to why I have added the song above to the title. The situation was probably on one hand the most selfish I have been when interested in someone else. Right at the end I felt there were other things for this person to explore, I didn’t put up a fight as if you truly care for someone you will allow them to live their own dream and follow their own path. You allow them to ‘fly away’ and be all they can, I have learnt a lot about not hanging on to things selfishly or for fear of loneliness and I have also learnt that as a romantic that I also deserve to be chased and wanted.

Sometimes you need the self confidence in that if something is meant to be, then it will be and that if you truly care then you find that balance. You show you care through actions, not words. I think when you meet someone you care about, you truly think about what is best for them without inflicting your life goals upon them, ideally their goals should complement yours and then you truly come to being with each other in perfect balance.

I’ve said throughout that I want the story to be relatable and for people to read the novel and feel it teaches them something about human relationships, compassion and empathy for someone else’s path. Although the story is focused around the coming to terms with the sexuality of the protagonist, it is also her realisation of how to relate to other people and how to get your head around situations as best you can. Some people will also disagree and feel you should live life more selfishly with your own ambitions followed and also to follow your head over your heart. I can understand this as at the end of the day, it is your life but, for me personally, my life is enhanced by other people and those special enough for me to let in deserve my time and support. They help create the memories that I lay in bed and reflect on. They are the people who really enrich, educate and enlighten me, and those are the people I want to smile about and invest my time in.

Despite the ending not being as it should, I hope these recent events enhance the story further as then it will then leave a lifelong mark on my book because I feel it is deserving of that. This is very exciting and I can’t wait to get the story published! It is getting closer… I promise.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett, who is a legend.

The last year...

2015-04-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

Weekend visiting Melbourne. Interesting restaurant names.

After telling you a little about me, my journey and how I got to the point where I wanted to finally write my novel in my last blog, we now come up to more recent months. Lindsey suggested that this blogging malarkey is far more interesting if it is personal, warts and all, which (to be honest) is pretty scary. But I’ll give it a go, as we’re amongst friends here!

I guess it’s important to acknowledge that fitting the writing of a novel around your normal life is pretty tough. I am not in a financial position to just quit my job and work full time on getting this novel finished. Therefore I’ve been juggling work and personal stuff for months and months and months, while trying to put as close to 100% as I can into a creative project. Something has to give when life gets this hectic, and this is where this blog becomes a little more serious, so I apologise in advance if there are no super-smiley, sunshine-and-roses, skipping-in-the-sunshine moments. But here is an honest reflection on the last year of my project:

I love my job as a recruiter and I love putting 100% into it. I’m a passionate person generally, and that includes being committed and enthusiastic about what I do for a living. I’m also a bit of a perfectionist in and out of work. I focus fully on the job at hand during the day and then at night I can think about my novel, which amounts to only a few hours of novel time per week.

There have been delays on this journey of mine, and in the interest of genuineness and authenticity, I’d like to share with you that these were caused by the breakup of my long-term relationship. I am lucky that there is no animosity between my ex and me, but going through a break up is one of the hardest personal things you can face. We’ve all been through it and we all know how incredibly painful it is - essentially, you are grieving the loss of someone from your life. My relationship was extremely important to me and my partner is an amazing woman who deserves the best in life. Despite making the awful decision to walk away, I am still heartbroken. At the time I essentially fell apart. I questioned everything, as you do in this sort of situation – my identity, my purpose, whether I’m a good person, whether I’m attractive, whether I did the right thing and I worried incessantly about my ex and how she was coping.

Understandably, this break up took my focus away from the novel. It’s hard to write about love when you are going through this rollercoaster of emotions and the novel took a back seat. It was like tiny pieces of shattered glass were spread throughout my body and I took a long time to find each individual piece and slowly put them back together into some semblance of what I used to be.

Eventually though, the novel became an outlet for me. The break up put a different perspective on what I had already written and shaped the bits I hadn’t. Then as I started to feel a bit better I decided, in my wisdom, to acknowledge a lifelong regret and face it head on. I’ll keep this bit vague, but it basically turned out that the situation I had always thought about and harboured regret for was not as I had thought. When I found that out, it completely changed my perspective on that period of my life: It is quite confronting to have a key moment of your life invalidated through misinterpretation and misunderstanding. At that point I decided the novel was a complete waste of time and pretty pointless.

That is a brutally honest reflection of recent months. I literally thought about not even bothering to carry on writing - the concept felt fake, the story felt wrong and like I didn’t really understand what I had written anymore. I became like a petulant teenager – morose, self-indulgent and overcome with self-doubt. I felt like the story was rubbish, that it was written badly and so I gave up. That is, until two very lovely ladies asked to read the novel. This is where I have to thank my two buddies who I’ll nickname Thelma and Louise.

Louise read it first and she read it in a day - She said she couldn’t put it down and loved it. She said she could completely relate to the protagonist. Pretty cool. Then Thelma read it. She also read the story in just a couple of days. Both of them were so genuinely excited about the story, Louise even called me to go through the details of the journey taken by the main character, which ignited a renewed purpose and confidence in me. They both reminded me why I had written the story in the first place and challenged my recent thinking: So what if I was doubting the original life event that the concept was based on? The motivation for writing it was genuine and my aim had been achieved. Thelma and Louise’s reaction was something I was genuinely touched by: That they both could relate to the main character and her journey means so much to me.

They turned my attitude around completely and made me excited about my project again. I am reinvigorated, committed, motivated and not to mention champing at the bit to get this novel published. My hope is that it touches people’s lives and helps them put things into perspective. I hope my novel is read by lots of people and I hope it helps them realise that life is full of bumps; you just have to ride them out and ultimately it doesn’t matter how many bumps are in the road – you slow down and go over them with care, you don’t stop and turnaround - keep going because ultimately you will still end up at the same destination and those bumps will be well worth the ride. Those hopes are nice to hold onto while I piece my life back together again and rediscover who I am.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett, who is a legend.

A bit of background

2015-03-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

Trying to pin those moments

My parents’ summer wedding plans for 1979 were rudely ruined… by me and their preceding pre-marital relations. Once I was old enough to figure out the gestation period of the average human, they had set themselves up for a lifetime of not being able to preach ‘not until after you’re married’. Mum and Dad married in the January of 1979 and in the summer I popped out. (Yes, popped... don’t listen to my Mum’s exaggerated ‘you were a long and painful labour’ nonsense. Can you tell I haven’t had children yet!?).

I grew up in Brizzle, or Bristol to my international friends, specifically in a small town called Nailsea. Here, I ran around the playground of my infant school screaming ‘Mighty Mouse is on the way, here I come to save the day’ with my coat over my head as a mock cape. I saved various females on the playground from many imaginary dangerous situations and still believe I was the reincarnation of Mighty Mouse. Anyway, the signs were there at 5/6 years old that I did love to rescue the lovely ladies.

In my adolescence I was often forced by friends to date people I didn’t really like. Well, it wasn’t that I didn’t like them – I just wasn’t interested in them ‘in that way’. I had to do a lot of faking interest in the hope that one day there would be someone I liked. However, the only real interest I had in anyone was my female teachers… Ahhhh, I always had a thing for older females in positions of power... I struggled with these feelings a lot. I was always buying Just Seventeen magazine and would hopefully search the agony aunt pages for someone else who felt like me. About twice a year there would be a letter from a distressed girl about a crush they had on a female teacher or classmate, and Agony Aunt Anita Naik would helpfully explain it was just a phase.

I would like to express my insincere gratitude to Anita Naik for encouraging me to stay firmly in the closet until I was 22: I convinced myself I was straight, it was just a phase, I hadn’t found Mr Right. My head was a complete jungle of what I should be feeling and what I should be thinking. I was petrified of being rejected by friends, disappointing my family and just being classified as weird.

My social circles at this time were filled with derogatory comments about ‘rug munchers’ and how weird it was that there was a ‘vagatarian’ couple who had reproduced – probably with a turkey baster - and how they both probably fancied us all… Because yes, that’s how it works. I heard countless stories about how gay people were promiscuous and lead unsavoury lives.

I fell in love in my teenage years and I couldn’t tell a soul. I was mortified and I suppressed it. I tried to ignore it and I tried to quash every natural feeling and joy I felt around this person.

It. Was. Torture.

I cannot even begin to tell you how horrible that period of time was for me. I am quite an honest person and holding that in was awful. I just felt ashamed of myself, my feelings and I wanted it to stop. In hindsight, my friends must have all known: I couldn’t speak about my new ‘friend’ without my smile stretching from ear to ear and my voice full of such pride and adulation for a wonderful woman. How dreadful that I couldn’t celebrate with friends that I had found a person I felt so attracted to, so drawn to and had such a connection with, and most of all, how sad that I couldn’t be honest enough with that person for fear of shame. It was one of the most amazing feelings in the world but such an juxtaposition of emotions.

Woah… Dawsons Creek drama.

At 22 I met a lovely, amazing and awesome couple who just happened to both be female. They owned a house; both worked hard, loved each other and had been together for a number of years. I will forever be grateful to them as finally I came out of my firmly locked closet because of their support and the example they set for me. Naturally, the first thing I did was chop all my hair off… Because that’s what you do. It was a massive identity thing – all of a sudden you want everyone to know who you are, and chopping your hair off is the right way to do this!

During this whole period of time I always wanted to write down a story to capture what I was thinking and feeling… Mainly because I couldn’t express it and I wondered how many other people would be feeling the same as me. I always wanted to make sure that nobody else felt the way I felt, or was ashamed of who they are. I wanted to write a fictional story that drew on my emotions to help other people rationalise what they were feeling.

It takes time to come out the other side of this newfound honesty and feel comfortable with yourself and others. It takes time to admit who you are and who you are attracted to – some people move through the process faster than others as it is so natural - they just knew when they were a child and never questioned or fought it – hats off to those people! Gay, straight or bi, we all go through a process when we’re falling in love, I just think it’s unfair that the usual challenges of being in love should be added to by fear of what people think or concern around how they may react.

The most comfortable I ever felt was when I ended up in a loving relationship. I think that is the happiest I have ever been in my own skin. Although I am no longer in that relationship I think it was the most pivotal moment in time for me because finally I felt loved and accepted. That is the best feeling in the world. I will forever be grateful for that and I am so happy I experienced that feeling of contentment with who I am.

This is why I have written my story, and where the motivation to get it on paper came from. Times are changing and the world is slowly adjusting to the reality that some ladies love ladies, some ladies love men and some ladies love a bit of both. There is more acceptance, but there is a long way to go globally. The more we get the message out there, the more likely we are to eradicate ignorance so the masses know that homosexuals are normal people that just love like everyone else – we are not a threat and we are not looking to convert everyone around us. We just want to be accepted and loved.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett, who is a legend.