The Diary Of An English Courtesan

The English Courtesan On The Other Side Of The Tunnel...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:34:00 +0000

'So...' said the English Courtesan to the pensive and puzzled readers...

‘...If the view from the English Courtesan on the other side of the tunnel of sunlit trees looked like this...

...And if the view from (and indeed of) The Paramour, who was standing back to back with the English Courtesan, was equally breathtaking...

...And if the triangular itinerary involved one side with 5 miles between two small rural towns and the other with 12 miles between a small rural town and a middling rural town...

... And if Pythagoras' Theorem were used to calculate the third side of the triangular itinerary, in the middle of which stood the English Courtesan and The Paramour admiring the view...

...And if a graveyard for the English Courtesan and a cream tea for The Paramour were involved, on the way to a place which is a legend amongst industrial geographers...

...And if the trip was done in a magical day and a half and the English Courtesan and The Paramour arrived, back at their original departure point, just before the moon set over the distant hills...’

...Then the English Courtesan and The Paramour were at...?’...

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The English Courtesan & The Tunnel Of Trees

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:23:00 +0000

The English Courtesan is on her way to somewhere rather lovely with someone rather lovely this evening. Would anyone like to guess what lies beyond the tunnel of sunlit trees?

P.S. It's not at all what you're thinking. That would be too easy. The English Courtesan is never easy! Or at least not in that sense... ;-)

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, escort courtesan, Yorkshire escort, Yorkshire escorts, independent escort, travel companion, English travel companion, escort girl travel companion, call girl, call girls, independent call girl, sunshine, trees, beautiful places, lovely, clues, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan & The Dirty Bunnies

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:05:00 +0000

The English Courtesan had a thoroughly enjoyable Easter so she thought she'd share a little of it with the readers. Today's hint as to the English Courtesan's recent whereabouts and whatabouts is in the picture, or rather in the writing on the object in the picture...

...drum roll...

...pause for the readers to click on the picture to make it bigger...

...pause for the readers to express irritation at the fuzziness of the writing...

...pause for the English Courtesan to politely offer the irritated readers one of her...

...Milk chocolate Dirty Bunnies with feuillette droppings from Rococco! The fuzzy wuzzy picture is because the English Courtesan got a bit too close in her enthusiasm. Which is undoubtedly a bit of a clue as to what the English Courtesan got up to over the long, lazy Bank Holiday... ;-)

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, escort courtesan, Yorkshire escort, Yorkshire escorts, independent escort, travel companion, English travel companion, escort girl travel companion, call girl, call girls, independent call girl, Easter, Easter holidays, wild weekends, chocolate, Rococco chocolate, Rococco Dirty Bunnies, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan On Jacqui Smith & Richard Timney

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:43:00 +0000

Not literally you understand. The English Courtesan thought she should make that clear, with regard to the title, before anyone casts any further aspersions. No MPs or MP spouses were straddled or harmed in any way in the making of today's blog post.. ;-)

The English Courtesan received an amusing number of emails while she was away, asking her why she hasn't written about Jacqui Smith. That would be the Jacqui Smith MP on whose proposed reforms to prostitution laws the English Courtesan wrote here. And that would be the very same Jacqui Smith who's now in a spot of bother for claiming porn on her expenses. Oops!

Those of the English Courtesan’s readers who missed it in the news might want to read about Jacqui Smith’s embarrassment in the Telegraph here. Jacqui's husband, Richard Timney, does her expenses claims for her. It seems he submitted a bill which included £10 of pay-per-view movies. The films were of a pornographic nature.

Jacqui Smith is in the clear on the porn viewing. She was in London. Richard Timney was not. He has reputedly been banished to the sofa by Jacqui. Whilst he hasn’t confessed his porno preferences, the films on Virgin Media’s adult schedule that night included ‘Raw Meat 3’ and ‘By Special Request’. Double oops!

Since then a whole lot more information has emerged about Jacqui Smith’s expenses. MP’s expenses are a subject of hot debate at the moment as they’re allowed to claim expenses for their ‘second home’. In Jacqui’s case, she’s clocked up around £120,000 on second home expenses since 2001.

A toothbrush holder, a doormat, a flat screen TV, a sofa (for Richard?), a plug, and a patio heater included. ‘Noooooooooo!’ roared the English Courtesan and fellow climate changers. ‘Yes!’ crowed the wicked Jacqui Smith, tossing another baby polar bear onto her 400-cups-of-tea-for-one-hour’s-burning patio heater.

To be honest the reason why the English Courtesan hasn’t written about this before is that she actually thinks the whole story is much ado. It’s admittedly funny and mildly embarrassing in an oh-so-British way but that’s really all it is. This was a silly mistake that’s been blown out of all proportion by a media that’s intent on ousting Brown. None of this constitutes a reason to call for Jacqui Smith’s resignation.

£20,000 a year to run a second home strikes the English Courtesan as surprisingly reasonable. Jacqui Smith’s designated second home was where her husband and kids live but even on that she was within her rights. She checked with the House of Commons and they said the second home was the one where she spent least nights.

With the notable exception of the £10 of adult entertainment, the items Jacqui Smith claimed were legitimate second home expenses. As for the porn, the English Courtesan finds herself wondering anyway, who on earth hasn’t put a dodgy tenner through on expenses, whether deliberately or in error, at some point in their life?

In the same way perhaps, who on earth hasn’t ever watched any porn? The English Courtesan would ask for a show of hands on that point, but she knows full well that the readers' hands are invariably otherwise engaged. Cash for votes is a scandal. A tenner of porn on expenses, and what the readers do with their hands, is frankly not.

The English Courtesan recognises that a certain contingent of the po-faced public demands retribution. As the readers know, the English Courtesan is into retribution. She likes a nice beard and crinkly eyes too. That's why the English Courtesan thinks a public flogging of Richard Timney, preferably by the English Courtesan herself, might be in order. Adult entertainment was his sin, so the English Courtesan thinks Richard could reciprocate, by providing some for the taxpayer.

No. Much as she’d love to spank Richard Timney, and maybe Jacqui Smith too, the English Courtesan actually has a better idea. She thinks we should leave them alone. The English Courtesan might not seem the likeliest defender of Jacqui Smith but this is not about politics or pornography. It’s about personal lives and privacy.

Maybe it’s also about what a man does when his wife is away from home and he misses her. The English Courtesan actually finds something about this story rather touching. Most women would surely prefer their partner to spend the evening with a bit of porn than with a hooker. That’s what Richard Timney did.

The English Courtesan may struggle to forgive Jacqui Smith for getting her prostitution proposals so badly wrong. But she’s quietly hoping that Jacqui is a better woman than the English Courtesan. That’s because the English Courtesan hopes that Jacqui Smith will forgive Richard Timney.

Still, if she doesn’t, then at least on the sofa he’ll be closer to the dirty porno movies. Oh dear! The English Courtesan thinks she may have just lowered the tone again. ;-)

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, escort courtesan, Yorkshire escort, Yorkshire escorts, independent escort, travel companion, English travel companion, escort girl travel companion, call girl, call girls, independent call girl, MPs, Members of Parliament, MP's expenses, Jacqui Smith, Richard Timney, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan Does The Crossword...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:00:00 +0000

The English Courtesan wasn't impressed by their breakfast. However she just couldn't decide what to make of their TV. So the English Courtesan thought she'd better consult the wise readers on an important matter of taste...

To be fair, the English Courtesan should point out that this wasn't technically 'their' TV. It was the next channel along from Sky Sports. It could have been anyone's. However the English Courtesan has decided to hold the host nation, within whose borders she viewed the item depicted, responsible for any transgressions of taste.

The readers are therefore invited to express their thoughts on a matter that has been troubling the English Courtesan. Is a lady in a shiny pink bra with a crossword offering to make you 1000 euros sicher (sic) a right thing or a wrong thing on TV?

Answers on the usual grubby little postcards to the English Courtesan's comments box and may the hardest word and/or the shiniest bra win... ;-)

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, escort courtesan, Yorkshire escort, Yorkshire escorts, independent escort, travel companion, English travel companion, escort girl travel companion, call girl, call girls, independent call girl, weird TV, funny foreign TV, travel, Where in the world is the morning crossword delivered like this?, Where in the world is the English Courtesan?, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan & The Bad Breakfast

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 22:26:00 +0000

The English Courtesan is away this week so she thought the readers might like a clue as to her whereabouts.

Usually the English Courtesan gives the readers a skyline clue to play with while she's away, but today's edible clue was just too tempting...

Or indeed not (see photo). It did make the English Courtesan laugh though, especially as she’d ticked the box on the breakfast card that said ‘fruits varous’ (sic). Presumably that was the tomato. Imagine what might have happened if the English Courtesan had ticked the box that said ‘prones’ (sic).

So today's quiz, in the time-honoured tradition of keeping idle hands out of mischief, is as follows:

Would any of the English Courtesan's readers like to guess where in the world you get a breakfast that looks like this?

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, escort courtesan, Yorkshire escort, Yorkshire escorts, independent escort, travel companion, English travel companion, escort girl travel companion, call girl, call girls, independent call girl, breakfasts, funny foreign breakfasts, travel, Where in the world do breakfasts look like this?, Where in the world is the English Courtesan?, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan Puts On The Red Light

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 19:40:00 +0000

What Battered Husband wanted was for the English Courtesan to take down the October blog posts.

Those of the readers who missed the earlier chapters might want to catch up with the English Courtesan here.

It seems that Looney Tunes has been well and truly living up to her name over the past few weeks and months...

For now at least, the English Courtesan will spare Looney Tunes’ blushes. She’s not going to detail the full repertoire of teenage behaviours, complete with calls to the emergency services, that Looney Tunes has been through over the past few weeks to make her point. Suffice it to say however that the patient English Courtesan just ran out of patience.

The readers may recall that, back in October, the English Courtesan offered Looney Tunes a deal. No more texts, calls, emails or other stalking would mean no more blog posts. That was what Looney Tunes said she wanted and that is what the English Courtesan did. Since then, Looney Tunes has contacted the English Courtesan 12 times.

The other thing Looney Tunes wanted was for the English Courtesan not to see or work with Battered Husband. Whether she has a right to ask that, in view of him having moved out two years ago and filed for divorce on numerous occasions, is a moot point. However the English Courtesan complied anyway, albeit for her own reasons.

At Looney Tunes' request, the English Courtesan has written no further blog posts about her since October, despite the continued calls and texts. Since October, Battered Husband and the English Courtesan haven't worked together. Since December, the English Courtesan hasn't seen Battered Husband. That isn't enough for Looney Tunes. Five months later, she's back.

According to Battered Husband, what Looney Tunes now appears to want is the old blog posts taken down. Despite the fact that the only person still reading the English Courtesan's October blog posts is Looney Tunes herself. Despite the fact that the only person who could ever identify Looney Tunes in them, if indeed they are based on anyone as opposed to being a work of pure fiction, is also Looney Tunes herself.

So the ever-generous English Courtesan just offered Looney Tunes a final deal. 12 months of no stalking and the blog posts come down. That’s 12 months probation in effect. If Looney Tunes can sit on her hands and resist the urge to flail at the English Courtesan for a full year, the blog posts will disappear in one year’s time.

Any contact, however, and not only will the blog posts stay, but the English Courtesan will go back to the police. This time she will be pressing criminal charges for stalking and harassment, as they advised her to do the first time around. That will be followed by a claim for defamation. Then the English Courtesan will resume writing, with no blushes spared this time.

The English Courtesan has neither the time nor the inclination to do this again. She very much hopes that this one is not ‘to be continued’.

And the news just in...? This blog post was written this afternoon, but the footnote is that, as of an email this evening, Battered Husband says Looney Tunes definitely wants the blog posts to stay up. That's right. She wants all the blog posts to stay up. For once, words fail the English Courtesan. Does anyone else have any idea what this latest loony installment has been about?

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, escort courtesan, Yorkshire escort, Yorkshire escorts, independent escort, travel companion, English travel companion, escort girl travel companion, call girl, call girls, independent call girl, escorts and wives, blackmailing wives, wives who blackmail escorts, stalking wives, wives who stalk mistresses, marital strife, unhappy marriages, abusive relationships, co-dependence, domestic violence, dysfunctional relationships, stalking, stalkers, divorce, ethics and morality, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan & The Stalkers' Return

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 16:38:00 +0000

The English Courtesan honestly thought she’d closed that particular chapter of her life back in October. Then last week the English Courtesan got an email from Battered Husband. That was followed by a call this week from Looney Tunes. Note the apostrophe in the title of today's blog post.

The English Courtesan didn't take the call. She did open the email though. She rather wishes she hadn't. Sometimes the English Courtesan can be her own worst enemy.

Battered Husband says the English Courtesan is ‘the love of his recent life’. Golly. It's a good job he qualified the whole love thing, isn't it?

That was the funny bit. The English Courtesan thinks that's what's called 'damned with faint praise'. Now for the not-so-funny bit.

Battered Husband didn’t just write to the English Courtesan to profess his not-so-undying love. No. He wants something in return for that recent-life love of his.

Would any of the readers like to guess what it is that Battered Husband wants from the English Courtesan?

The English Courtesan On Angels...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:50:00 +0000

The English Courtesan received a news article from a Newcastle reader this week which she found deeply disturbing.

The photo shows Antony Gormley's iconic Angel of The North...

The Angel of the North is one of the English Courtesan’s favourite statues. It stands on a hilltop at the head of the Team Valley and is believed to be the largest angel sculpture in the world. The English Courtesan often notices with a smile how drivers on the A1 slow down as the Angel comes into view.

Is it because it’s the first time they’ve seen it? Is it that the Angel means they’ve come home? Is it because they’re thinking of the miners who once dug in the darkness under the hill? Is it because they believe in angels? Whatever their reasons, the English Courtesan likes the fact that people slow down for the Angel. If you’re passing, please slow down, wind down your window, and blow the Angel of The North a kiss from the English Courtesan of The North.

The relevance of the Angel of The North to today’s blog post is that it has become a popular symbol of the economic and social regeneration of England’s North East. The article which was sent to the English Courtesan was about a fifteen year old escort girl in Newcastle. The readers might like to read the article online in the Chronicle Live. The girl is thought to have made £14,000, or around £1700 a weekend, working at an escort agency in the city.

The story made the headlines when a teacher found condoms, lube and a card with the name of the escort agency she worked for written on it, in the girl’s school bag. The police escorted the girl home, searched it, and found £8000. In the magistrates’ court in Newcastle, it was ruled that the money could not be returned to the teenage escort as it was ‘the proceeds of crime’.

Is anyone else thinking what the English Courtesan is thinking about this story? A headline about a 15 year old working as an escort is bad enough. The police called this ‘sexual exploitation’, which implies that both the escort agency and the men who saw this girl knew she was underage. The escort agency, predictably enough, claimed the girl had lied about her age. The clients weren’t mentioned in the article, but were presumably untraceable, thanks to pay-as-you-go phones.

The English Courtesan isn’t going to make excuses for the escort agency or the clients. The agency should have asked for ID if she looked even borderline underage and the clients should have walked out and called the police if they were in doubt. If you employ an illegal immigrant or an underage girl at an escort agency, and/or if you see one as a client, then aside from any moral considerations, you are running a huge risk. Ignorance is no defence in the eyes of the law.

To be fair to both the agency and the clients though, in a world where twelve year olds are becoming parents, it’s admittedly sometimes hard to tell a fifteen year old from an eighteen year old. It’s also practically unheard-of for escort agencies to ask for proof of age, residency or anything else when a new girl joins. Clients who ask an agency escort girl anything remotely personal are the ones who find themselves labelled ‘weirdos’ and unable to book a girl from that agency again. It's entirely possible that neither the agency nor the clients had any suspicions.

What shocked the English Courtesan most was neither the agency hiring the underage escort nor the clients seeing her. It was the way this 15 year old escort was subsequently treated by the authority figures who claimed to be protecting her. Maybe the clients and the agency weren't aware the teenage escort was just fifteen, but the police and the courts were.

Being an escort in the UK is not illegal, so long as you pay your taxes. Having sex with someone beneath the age of consent (16) or sexually exploiting someone ‘for gain’ are both illegal. Whether they were aware of her age or not, both the agency and the clients were committing a crime. The teenage escort however wasn’t. The way she probably saw it, she was just doing what most of her friends were doing. The only difference was that she was making some money, instead of giving it away for free.

If it hadn’t been for the underage sex, she’d have won a school prize for entrepreneurship, been invited in to the local bank to open an account with her savings, and been photographed in the local paper. Had it not been for the escort agency card with them, the teacher would have been glad that the girl was paying attention in sex education lessons when he found the condoms and lube. But because it was sex and because she was 15, this teenage escort ended up in court.

It was unclear from the article whether the agency or the clients will end up in court, but the teenage escort already has. The charges as described in the article were unclear, but appear to have been related to the amount earned, and hence, one might speculate, to the unpaid tax and/or the fact that it was ‘the proceeds of crime’.

The unpaid tax incidentally would have been under £1500. Compare to that the £1700 cost to the UK taxpayer of a not guilty plea in the magistrates court, then add to that a good few hours of legal aid solicitor, police, teacher and social worker time. As a UK taxpayer, the English Courtesan feels she’s entitled to express a polite ‘WTF?’ at this point.

Northumbria Police refused to comment on why they let this sorry saga get to court. That’s the same Northumbria Police who recently furnished The Sun newspaper with their very own ‘police constable sacked for working as a £100 an hour hooker’ story. May s/he who is without condoms and lube in their bag cast the first stone.

Thankfully the press weren’t allowed to name their teenage ‘victim of sexual exploitation’. However that must have been small consolation to the fifteen year old escort girl, after the long arm of the law reached out to snatch her hard-earned £8000. Add to that the indignity of a teacher going through her stuff, the police escorting her out of school and having her home searched, and you begin to see the English Courtesan’s point.

At a normal escort agency rate of around £120 an hour, or less if they were longer bookings, that £8000 represented 67 punters. That was the true cost in this story. Not personal allowances and taxation bands, not Home Office averages of the costs of court processes, but a 15 year old escort spreading her legs 67 times. The English Courtesan thinks the readers will agree that it makes the £1500 tax and even the £1700 cost of processing the teenage escort look laughable. Except no-one’s laughing, are they?

Did the magistrates bother to understand that sum? Did they ask the girl what she’d been saving her money for? Did they consider their role as ‘magister’ and what they were teaching a teenager about justice? Or was it just a matter of smug moral principle and reclaiming £8000 for The Crown?

The English Courtesan would like to give the magistrates the benefit of the doubt. She’d like to think they wanted to send a message out to other would-be teen escorts, that ‘crime’ doesn’t pay (at least until the age of consent). She’d like to think this was the first step in clamping down on escort agencies in Newcastle who knowingly employ underage girls and on men who knowingly see them.

But all the English Courtesan can think of is the fact that a terrible wrong has been done to this 15 year old. This wasn’t justice. It was wrong of the teacher to snoop, wrong of the police to charge the girl, wrong of the Crown Prosecution Service to proceed with the case, and wrong of the magistrates to take her hard-earned cash. The story made the English Courtesan both angry and sad.

Hence the need for an angel in this post, by way of a hope beyond hope, that something or someone puts right the things we can’t. When asked about The Angel of The North, Gormley said ‘People are always asking, why an angel? The only response I can give is that no-one has ever seen one and we need to keep imagining them.’

The English Courtesan believes in angels. She’s going to keep imagining them. She’s saying a prayer that someone or something will put right all the wrongs in this 15 year old escort’s world. The English Courtesan hopes the readers will too.

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, discreet courtesan, escort, escorts, Yorkshire escort, travel companion, paid travel companion, escort travel companion, call girl, escort call girl, Yorkshire call girls, Newcastle news, Newcastle Magistrates Court, Northumbria Police, The Law, English Law, Newcastle 15 year old escort, underage escorts, sexual exploitation, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan's Exciting Project...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:39:00 +0000

On Wednesday, the English Courtesan promised the readers an explanation for the current lack of Saturday posts. She’ll come onto that but before she does, the English Courtesan thought she'd share her first snowdrops of the year with the readers. There they are in the photo, with golden Winter Aconite to keep them company. Isn't Spring a wonderful thing?

Onto the explanations! The English Courtesan currently has a Rather Exciting Project afoot. She hopes to share more of it with the loyal readers in due course but she finds it hard to write while she’s hopping about from one foot to the other in glee. Suffice it to say, for now, that most of the action in the English Courtesan’s Exciting Project happens on Saturdays. That’s undoubtedly the English Courtesan’s cue for an irritatingly mysterious smirk. ;-)

As the readers know, the English Courtesan has always been busy on Saturday evenings. The Exciting Project however is largely a Saturday daytime thing. It’s magical and terrifying in equal measures, as unquestionably worthwhile as it’s utterly insane. It’s creative and practical, exhilarating and frustrating, an odyssey round all the things the English Courtesan never imagined she’d ever need to know.

The problem is that Saturdays and Wednesdays are when the English Courtesan would normally post on the blog. Whilst Wednesday nights remain blogiliciously sacrosanct, Saturdays are becoming increasingly difficult. Whilst the English Courtesan tries to confine the Exciting Project to a day a week, there are times when that's a 16 hour day.

The English Courtesan could arguably change the day for blogging. However the combination of the day job, the night job and the Exciting Project are keeping her very busy right now. That's why she's still not taking on any new clients. The English Courtesan knows her capacity and she's currently at it. As opposed to 'at it' in the other sense. Tsk! You can stop that filthy sniggering at the back.

Hence the fact that, for the time being at least, the English Courtesan has decided that the Exciting Project will have to take precedence over the blog and over replying to the 322 emails currently in her inbox. She hopes the readers will understand and that they’ll be patient regarding their emails and stick with her on Wednesdays.

Far be it from the English Courtesan to attempt to bribe the pure and pious brethren of the blog, but there might just be a few small clues coming up for the loyal few who do... ;-)

...[English Courtesan exits stage left with a maddening smirk, a hoppety hop, and an amusingly large...photo to follow perhaps?]...

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, exclusive courtesan, escort, escorts, Yorkshire escort, travel companion, paid travel companion, escort travel companion, call girl, escort call girl, Yorkshire call girls, exciting, very exciting, Very exciting indeed!, Was it a beaver?, Oops, wrong post!, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

In The English Courtesan's Bushes...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:44:00 +0000

The English Courtesan returned from her travels to find Yorkshire still deep in snow.

A rather peculiar sight awaited her in the back garden. It seems the English Courtesan had a visitor or two or maybe more while she was away...

There they are in the photo! Not them but the intriguing array of pawprints or footprints they left in the English Courtesan's garden. She thinks she's probably correctly identified two of the suspect species, but the English Courtesan confesses to being utterly baffled by the five-toed ones and the big round ones.

So in the spirit of a good old-fashioned English pub quiz, the English Courtesan thought the naturalist readers might like to guess what was lurking in her bushes while she was away. The English Courtesan should perhaps point out that naturalists are not at all the same as naturists. She really doesn't want to see the photos of that, thank you very much. Tsk!

As ever, points and outrageously inappropriate virtual prizes will be awarded for a random combination of accuracy and creatitivity. The English Courtesan will be back on the blog next Wednesday for reasons she'll explain then...watch this space... ;-)

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, luxury courtesan, escort, escorts, Yorkshire escort, travel companion, sensual travel companion, escort travel companion, call girl, escort call girl, Yorkshire call girls, weird, peculiar, strange paw prints, unusual pawprints, identifying pawprints, animal paw prints, was it a beaver?, do the readers like beavers?, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan & The Best Beaver Yet

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 20:38:00 +0000

The English Courtesan is a little tied up this week, so she thought she’d give the readers something to play with, other than themselves, in her absence. Just in time for Valentine's Day then, the English Courtesan is delighted to bring the readers...drum roll...The Beaver Stuffing Kit!

Now as the loyal readers know, the English Courtesan is something of a self-professed expert on beavers. Today’s beaver however is the softest and silkiest of all. The English Courtesan might even go so far as to say that this is her best beaver yet.

The English Courtesan suspects that the readers of this blog have a good grasp of beaver behaviour themselves. Indeed the English Courtesan knows for a fact that some of them have extensive beaver stuffing experience. Come to think of it, they’ve probably got experience of stuffing all sorts of things. The English Courtesan thinks that’s probably all she needs to know.

So before she goes any further, the English Courtesan should clarify that this is not that kind of beaver at all. This is a nice clean beaver. A soft beaver. A furry beaver. An eminently stuffable beaver. Oh stop it with the sniggering at the back!

Back to the English Courtesan’s Beaver Stuffing Kit. Except she’s really run out of things to say about it. The kit contains a beaver and stuffing. That’s it. That’s all you need to stuff your own beaver. If you’re stuffing someone else’s you might want to ask permission first.

Onto the practicalities of how to stuff a beaver! You can get your own Beaver Stuffing Kit from Prezzies Plus for the princely sum of £7.99. In other words, stuffing your own beaver is a bit of a bargain when you compare it to the cost of stuffing the English Courtesan’s.

Prezzies Plus recommends that once you’ve stuffed your beaver you might like to mount it. The English Courtesan recommends that you call Prezzies Plus or your lawyer, rather than the English Courtesan, when you get arrested for that. She hopes not to find too many of the readers in prison when she returns next week on Wednesday. ;-)

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, European courtesan, escort, escorts, Yorkshire escort, travel companion, sensual travel companion, escort girl travel companion, call girl, escort call girl, Yorkshire call girl, weird, kitsch, Valentine's gifts, Valentine's gifts for single people, gifts for beaver lovers, stuff your own beaver kit, beaver stuffing kit, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan In The Snow...Again...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 23:32:00 +0000

More snow was what the English Courtesan promised the readers on Wednesday and more snow it is tonight in Yorkshire! Isn’t it lovely?

Erm, not entirely, no...

The usually sweet-natured English Courtesan is feeling thoroughly grumpy and gritty this evening...

Despite the prettiness and despite the English Courtesan's earlier enthusiasm for snow, the novelty of snow has begun to wear off. That's because the English Courtesan has spent the afternoon digging her car out of a very large snow drift. Harumph.

The English Courtesan is not exactly short of men in her life but there’s never one with a shovel and a bag of grit when she needs one...sighs...

Technorati Tags: courtesan, courtesans, unusual courtesan, escort, escorts, Yorkshire escort, travel companion, sensual travel companion, escort girl travel companion, call girl, escort call girl, Yorkshire call girl, snow, snow photo, beautiful Yorkshire, very cold English Courtesan, English Courtesan, English Courtesan blog, Diary of an English Courtesan

The English Courtesan In The Snow

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 21:39:00 +0000

Here is the view from the English Courtesan's window in Yorkshire today. Never let it be said she doesn’t pander to her readers’ whims. Earlier tonight, VJ requested snow. Here is snow!

...[English Courtesan pauses, blushes at the applause, and exits backwards through the curtain with a slightly wonky curtsey]...

Those of the readers who are still trying to keep up will find VJ’s request for snow in the comments to the English Courtesan’s post on Fabio Novembre’s Her Chair. The English Courtesan is happy to comply. She likes VJ. She likes snow. In fact the English Courtesan is rather hoping there might be a bit more snow to show the readers by the end of the week.

It may not look very exciting but the English Courtesan is rather pleased with her view. That's because snowed-in means 'sno work. And as those of the English Courtesan’s readers who were paying attention last week will know, less work means more time for assorted pleasures. Including those of the solitary self-administered variety...ho hum, back to it! ;-)

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The English Courtesan On Her Chair

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 22:40:00 +0000

The English Courtesan has been looking out for things to help the readers survive the credit crunch and today's object of desire...

...erm, no...it’s no good the English Courtesan pretending this buttocky beauty is one of those. It is rather good though!

Now as the loyal readers know, the English Courtesan has an eye for unusual love seats. She’s fond of bottoms and she knows the readers are too. That’s why the English Courtesan, ever a martyr to the readers’ whims, is always hunting out new forms of sedentary pleasure. First, the English Courtesan brought you the tactile little sheep stools for playing Little Bo Peep. Then the English Courtesan brought you the curly wurly antique giltwood footstool to re-enact your chateau fantasies. Today the English Courtesan brings you...

...Oh no! Before any of the English Courtesan’s readers think the worst, it’s absolutely not one of those horrid hammocky harness things, where you and your paramour hang upside from the ceiling like bats. They may let you reach the parts other boys don’t but they’re also likely to give you both an injury. Just don’t come asking the English Courtesan to play doctors and nurses with you if they do.

No, the English Courtesan likes to think she’s a creature of slightly more refined tastes. She likes her sensual furniture to be suggestive and beautiful rather than graphic and functional. So today’s love seat might at first glance seem like an unlikely choice for the English Courtesan.

Firstly it’s white. Secondly it’s plastic. And thirdly it appears to have buttocks. Tick, tick, tick in the bad taste boxes. Yes. Today, by way of a scandalous break from the norm, the English Courtesan is delighted to bring you...drum roll...applause...the white plastic buttocks chair!

All right, all right, so that’s not its real name and you can actually get it in black too. But the Her Chair by Fabio Novembre and Casamania is definitely plastic and it definitely has buttocks. Look at them! Aren’t they lovely? The English Courtesan thinks so too!

The English Courtesan is at a loss to explain why she finds Fabio Novembre’s Her Chair so peculiarly enticing. Whilst the Her Chair has a partner, the Him Chair, he just doesn’t compare to Her. It’s a long time since the English Courtesan felt this way towards a piece of white polyethylene. It’s not the material and it’s not the colour. The English Courtesan just wants one. In fact she wants six. Half girls in matt white, half boys in matt black, with the boys grudgingly included as a foil to the Three Graces’ beauty. Oh dear.

Is it that the Her Chair looks like the bastard lovechild of a stylised Greco-Roman nude and an oh-so-sensual sixties Panton chair? Is it the way She sits slightly sideways, with her legs tucked tidily behind, just like the English Courtesan does in meetings? Is it the fact that Wallpaper, a design magazine so tedious that the English Courtesan only reads it when they’ve run out of FT’s on planes, hilariously called the Her Chair ‘creative crime...crass fetishism...2008’s bum note’? Is it the fact that the twelve year old English Courtesan once tried to make something similar, in a design technology class, out of transparent turquoise acrylic and no-one got it?

Whatever the appeal, the English Courtesan just wants to clamber onto the Her Chair’s lap. On a slightly more sobering note, at $330 apiece or $1980 for a set of six (you can buy both Fabio Novembre's Her Chair and Him Chair from EuroFurniture here), they're not quite the thing for the credit crunch. One Her Chair might be a justifiable indulgence, but three Hims and three Hers really isn’t. But then nor is the English Courtesan and that hasn’t stopped you reading. And at least getting your hands on the Her Chair is marginally cheaper than getting your hands on the English Courtesan's bottom... ;-)

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The English Courtesan On Pleasure...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 20:22:00 +0000

The photo shows some rather fine lemon, lime and caramel cupcakes from those fabulous cake-baking boys at the deliciously-monickered Outsider Tart. Which would seem an appropriate introduction to both the English Courtesan herself and to today’s topic of immeasurable pleasure...read on... ;-)

The English Courtesan was highly amused by a recent article in the Sunday Times on women and pleasure. Before you follow the link, that intro was a bit misleading. Outsider Tart do bake fabulous cakes, and the English Courtesan will gladly vouch for that once she finishes her current mouthful, but it seems that pleasure can, in fact, be measured.

What’s more, it’s now scientifically proven that the number of orgasms a woman experiences bears a direct correlation to the size of her partner's...wait for it... ;-)

Yes... [sound of heavy panting from the English Courtesan]...
Oooh yes.... [low moans from the English Courtesan]....
Yesssssssssssssss..... [breathy squeal of delight from the English Courtesan]...

...payslip! Well what did the readers think the English Courtesan was going to say? It’s not all cupcakes and smut round here, you know. Today we are doing Serious Science. The English Courtesan likes science. She likes scientists too. She thinks that’s a story for another day though.
Back to pleasure. A team of researchers at Newcastle University, led by Professor Daniel Nettle and Doctor Thomas Pollet, has found that the higher a man's income, the higher the frequency of his partner's orgasms. That’s the English Courtesan’s cue to look more than a little smug. It’s not just hookers who are hookers these days then, is it?

Back to the research. Much as the English Courtesan enjoyed the thought that the Professor and the Doctor had conducted their own research love-in, involving showing startled young ladies an array of wallets of varying sizes, it seems the reality was a little more mundane. What they actually did was crunch some numbers from a Chinese Health and Family Life Survey, based on over 1500 responses from women with a male partner.

The English Courtesan is no scientific expert but she’s slightly sceptical about orgasm research. There was the Rutgers research that said you could ‘fake it’ through intestinal peptide pills, then there was the St Thomas’ research that said it was all about genes, then there was the Florida research that showed orgasms were linked to perceived male attractiveness (‘y’don’t saaaaaaaaaaaay’ drawled the English Courtesan in an somewhat unconvincing American accent), and then...well, at that point the English Courtesan lost all interest in science and turned to sin. :-)

Yet for all her scepticism, the English Courtesan found this most recent spouting of the salacious scientists oddly pleasurable. As the faithful readers know, the English Courtesan has long been an exponent of the fine line between hooker and kept woman, whether of the girlfriend or wife variety. The only difference the English Courtesan can see is in the honesty of the transaction. In other words, a hooker is pretty much guaranteed to deliver the goods, she’ll comply with your budget, and she won’t cost you nearly as much as a divorce settlement.

The English Courtesan accepts that the survey data wasn’t confined to non-working women but she found herself wondering how many of the women in the study worked themselves, and how many of these earned the same or more than their partners. She’s been struck by the fact that all the high-earning men she’s met of late have non-working partners.

If that’s the case, the English Courtesan can see a clearer and perhaps less cynical logic for the link between male earning power and female pleasure. Less time at work for a woman means more time for pleasure. More sleep and less stress, which could potentially be a by-product of a woman not working, definitely makes for better sex.

So the English Courtesan thought she’d ask what the readers think of the latest orgasm research. Are women convincing themselves that they find high earners more sexually attractive? If so, is it conscious or are they ‘genetically hardwired to be gold-diggers', as the Times would have it? Was the study skewed by the arguably more patriarchal structure of Chinese society? Would it have made a difference whether the women worked or not? Is it just that more money means more time for pleasure?

The English Courtesan awaits the readers’ insights with interest but in the meantime she’s off to conduct a little pleasure research of her own... ;-)

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The English Courtesan Returns...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 19:08:00 +0000

'Soooo, my lovelies...', said the English Courtesan, jiggling a few of the smaller readers on her knee.

'...if that was the English Courtesan's view on the way there and if this was the English Courtesan's view on the way back and if Eridanus was clearly visible in the night sky...'

'...and if peas and poetry and the English Courtesan and Another were involved and if the phases of the Earth as seen from the moon are like unto the phases of the Moon as seen from the earth...'

'...and if there are as many zeros in a Googol as there are red herrings things in the English Courtesan's blog clues...'

'Ergo, the sum of the English Courtesan's parts must be more than...?' ;-)

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The English Courtesan's Not What It Seems Clue...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 16:20:00 +0000

The English Courtesan has a rather exciting date tonight so she thought the readers might like a little clue as to her whereabouts and whatabouts. Would anyone like to hazard a guess as to where the English Courtesan might be headed?

P.S. It's not at all what you're thinking. Ooooooh no! That would be too easy. ;-)

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The English Courtesan & The Angel Fairy

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 22:29:00 +0000

The English Courtesan found an angel fairy on her car yesterday. Before any of the ruder readers start the lady-driver-roadkill jokes, the English Courtesan should explain things. This wasn’t a squished looking angel fairy stuck to the bumper. It was a little glass angel fairy carrying a poem and someone had placed it carefully on the English Courtesan’s windscreen...

There it is in the picture! It seems the English Courtesan has a secret admirer. She likes peculiar mystery gifts and this one really is quite peculiar, which is part of why the English Courtesan is smiling at The Angel Fairy as she types. Its poem says:

Best wishes I am sending
On the wings of a dove
To a very special person
With my everlasting love.

The English Courtesan initially thought The Angel Fairy was an uncomplicated angel. It has a halo and wings and poetry. However not only was the English Courtesan's Angel Fairy bearing a poem, it was also carrying a small glass bottle of what appeared to be gin. That's how the English Courtesan knew it wasn't a straightforward angel. Straightforward angels don't drink gin, or at least not on the job.

On closer inspection, the bottle turned out to be labelled Fairy Dust. Oh dear. The English Courtesan's story is getting worse by the second, isn't it? Fairy Dust. Hmmm. The English Courtesan thinks that's probably the line Sophie Anderton took with the police too. No pun intended.

Anyway, back to The Angel Fairy. The English Courtesan's Angel Fairy was peculiar not only in itself but in the fact that it arrived at all. The place where the English Courtesan's was parked yesterday wasn’t a place she often goes. Very few people would have known where the English Courtesan was to the nearest 200 miles.

Stranger still, the place where the English Courtesan's car was parked yesterday has ridiculously tight security. The English Courtesan has trouble getting in there herself. If you forget your assorted passes and permits, you have to park in the Naughty Bay until security gives you a 12 hour tag and permit. Miss the 12 hour expiry and you’re there for the night. The English Courtesan speaks from experience on that.

Whoever delivered the English Courtesan's Angel Fairy made their way past a swipe card video entrance, rising bollards, a little line of security vans, one of which contains two big hungry Alsatians, the ever vigilant parking permit police, and a team of uniformed men watching CCTV on a whole gigantic wall full of crystal clear and spookily zoomable-inable screens. That's quite a feat for a boy carrying a fairy.

It's all rather mysterious. The English Courtesan does like a nice mystery. On which note, she's off to make some enquiries as to The Angel Fairy's provenance...watch this space... ;-)

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The English Courtesan's Frosty Tree

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:22:00 +0000

The English Courtesan has only a photo today, a photo of a lonely tree in the frozen North, and a poem, 'Fire and Ice' by Robert Frost.

It is cold in Yorkshire where the English Courtesan tonight...

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate,
To say that for destruction ice,
Is also great,
And would suffice.

Robert Frost

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The English Courtesan & The Readhead

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 17:55:00 +0000

'No my lovelies!' said the English Courtesan with a small skip and a big smirk. 'It's not here tonight. Tonight is Saturday night. The English Courtesan has things to see and people to do tonight!'

'So tonight the English Courtesan is packing you all off to your Auntie Catherine's to be babysat...'

P.S. Should the English Courtesan mention that you're genetically in luck because your Auntie Catherine is a gorgeous and talented redhead? Click here to find out more about your Auntie Catherine and why the English Courtesan wanted more about a boy called Brian...

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The English Courtesan's Christmas Clue Part II

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:27:00 +0000

By way of thanks to the readers for their kind Christmas post comments, the English Courtesan presents...another fiendish clue!

Would anyone like to hazard a guess as to where the English Courtesan was and in what festive activity she may or may not have been engaged?

P.S. It's not the English Courtesan's house. Although it might be A House... ;-)

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The English Courtesan At Christmas

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:27:00 +0000

She’s done the New Year already but the English Courtesan thought the readers might like the low down on her Christmas today. The English Courtesan had a slightly unusual Christmas this year. Her Christmases are often unusual, but this one was unusual even by the English Courtesan’s usually unusual standards...

The photo, once again taken by the English Courtesan's own fair hand, is of a famous statue which was erected in gratitude. Therein lies the tenuous link to today's post.

This year the English Courtesan didn't have a busy Christmas with lots of doing and seeing and visiting. It wasn't a big smug family Christmas. It wasn’t a Christmas of emotional uproar and divided loyalties. It was a small-scale low-key Christmas.

The English Courtesan usually expects a lot at Christmas. That’s not about material things. The gifts the English Courtesan likes are those given with love by someone she loves. The giver matters so much more than the gift. Maybe that’s why the English Courtesan can’t remember the last time she was disappointed by a gift.

No, what disappoints the English Courtesan is much messier than things. It’s people. She expects a lot from other people and she expects a lot from herself. That's what usually hurts at Christmas. But this year something in the English Courtesan changed. She realised she didn't actually need all that.

This year the English Courtesan needed and wanted nothing. Nothing in terms of gifts and nothing in terms of people. Except perhaps a little peace and a little kindness. That was all the English Courtesan wanted for Christmas. Or that’s what she thought.

Perhaps the English Courtesan should put that in context. As the readers may remember, the English Courtesan is usually both enthusiastic and organised when it comes to Christmas. This year was different. She just didn’t want to think about the approaching festivities. So she didn’t.

Even if she’d wanted to, the English Courtesan probably wouldn’t have had time to think about Christmas. In the space of less than four weeks, she’s moved four times. That’s not a complaint but it’s why the English Courtesan has been remiss with the blog and emails of late. Perhaps it’s part of why she couldn’t face making any plans for Christmas.

So this year the English Courtesan opted out of Christmas dramas. She didn't expect anything of herself or of anyone else. She stopped expecting and got on with doing what she wanted.

For the English Courtesan that meant not much. She worked on Christmas Eve. Then she drove 200 miles to spend Christmas Day with her Mother, smiling and singing 'Driving home for Christmas' in her growly little voice all the way.

On Christmas Day, the English Courtesan put up some deliciously tasteless decorations, toasted her toes in front of the fire, gave some presents, opened some presents, and cooked a ginormous meal for two. Then she had a little nap, sent a few texts to the people she loves, ate too much Christmas cake and watched Top Gear.

It was perfect. The English Courtesan wasn’t expecting Christmas to be anything special this year. Maybe that's why it was. Despite cross mutterings to the contrary as she drove North on Christmas Eve, the English Courtesan did want something more than peace and kindness at Christmas.

What the English Courtesan wanted at Christmas was love. Perhaps spending time with her Mother reminded the English Courtesan that love comes in many different forms. She’d forgotten that love could be happy and accepting. She’d forgotten that it could be something positive. Her Mother reminded her of that this Christmas.

If she’s clearer on the kind of love she needs since Christmas, the English Courtesan is also clearer on the kind of love she doesn’t need. Cowardly love, that denies your name, in the hope of keeping an illusory peace. Selfish love, that seeks its own happiness crouched at the back of your misery. Hostile love, that accuses as inappropriately as it defends.

This Christmas the English Courtesan realised she just doesn’t need anyone who plays games with their love. There’s love and then there’s bad behaviour. The English Courtesan suddenly realised the two don’t have to go together.

No. Love of a peaceful and kinder sort was what the English Courtesan needed this year and that’s what she got. Perhaps that’s why this year the English Courtesan just felt oddly grateful. On her way to her Mother's, she drove past one of those signs appealing for witnesses to a fatal accident. Then she heard the news about Zavvi, Whittard and Officers Club, all calling in the administrators, a couple of days before Christmas.

That put the English Courtesan's minor wobbles into perspective. Destructive relationships and sudden relocations are wearing. Losing someone you love at this time of year, or losing your job, those are the things that up-end your world. The rest is small stuff.

Maybe that's what Christmas is about, knowing the value of what you have, and that often what you have is all you need. The English Courtesan hasn't given up on the rest. She still wants a partner, babies, a big brown dog and a modest gothic folly in Yorkshire. It's just that it can wait.

The English Courtesan has what she needs right now. She knows that and she finds that knowledge humbling. The English Courtesan is grateful that she has someone to love and that she has her Mother. She’s grateful that she’s loved and that she knows how to love back. She's grateful that she has a job when so many are losing theirs.

So that was the English Courtesan’s Christmas. She knows plenty of people who've spent months cooking and shopping for Christmas. She knows plenty of people who will have spent Christmas Day showering their families with gifts which are as expensive as they’re unappreciated. The English Courtesan thinks they're missing the point. She feels a bit sorry for them. They probably feel a bit sorry for the English Courtesan too.

So the English Courtesan had a quiet Christmas with someone she loved. That's what she wanted and that's what she got. It didn’t work out the way the English Courtesan had intended but it turned out far better than her carefully-laid plans in previous years did. The English Courtesan hopes the readers got what they wanted for Christmas too.

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The English Courtesan Wishes You A Happy New Year...

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:27:00 +0000

It's New Year's Eve and the English Courtesan is sitting in an office. She likes the office as it has a hairy green floor, hairy green chairs and hairy green lighting.

From her perch, by the window on the 11th floor, the English Courtesan can see the river and the boats being decorated for parties later tonight...

The English Courtesan is slightly surprised to be in the office today and even more surprised that six other people are here too. All six have asked the English Courtesan what she's doing for the New Year tonight.

The English Courtesan just smiles mysteriously. She's not exactly short of invites. But the truth is that as the clocks strike twelve tonight the English Courtesan will either be on the motorway or home alone.

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The English Courtesan Does Doormats

theenglishcourtesan@hotmail.co.uk (The English Courtesan) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 21:55:00 +0000

The English Courtesan was just about to slack off for the festive season when she remembered a promise she made to A Reader in the comments on The English Courtesan and The Gimp. That was Even Serpents Shine and his Grumpy Bonkers Deaf Blind Auntie, for whom the English Courtesan promised that she'd find a suitable Christmas gift.

OK, OK, so the English Courtesan knows she's left it a bit late for Filling Your Stockings this year, and so far she’s served up nothing more exciting than a desk tidy in gimp’s clothing, but there are still a few shopping hours to go so she's hoping to redeem herself with tonight's quickie…ahem... ;-)

...Drum roll...oh yes, it's a good one...it’s the ‘Oh no! Not you again!’ doormat! Which incidentally is a little bit how the English Courtesan is feeling about Christmas this year although that's undoubtedly a post for another day/year. You can get yourself an 'Oh no! Not you again!' doormat from Giftmonger for the princely sum of £13.99. That's got to be a bargain in view of the amount of offence you're likely to cause with it.

The English Courtesan's idea for the 'Oh no! Not you again!' doormat is that, instead of actually giving it to Grumpy Bonkers Auntie, Even Serpents Shine should give it to himself in preparation for the ritual festive visit. That has the double advantage that when Grumpy Bonkers Auntie gets to the point of having upset everyone, probably within a few minutes of arriving, Even Serpents Shine can exclaim ‘Dear me, I almost forgot - your gift’s just outside! No, please, after you, Auntie….’. Then Even Serpents Shine will quietly but firmly close, lock and bolt the door behind Grumpy Bonkers Auntie and get the party started.

The fact that Grumpy Bonkers Auntie is blind and thus unable to read the doormat's message makes this gift doubly outrageous. However as she’s deaf as well, at least she won’t have to hear anyone reading it out to her. Well you weren’t really expecting political correctness from the Gillian English Courtesan, were you?

Footnote to funny foreigners: The word Gillian doesn’t refer to the EC’s name, but rather to the fact that she’s a fan of AA Gill, restaurant critic and Tory peeg par excellence, who you can read in the Sunday Times each week. He’s a self-confessed old git who’s not exactly known for his political correctness either.

On that note, the English Courtesan is away to offend some relatives of her own, but she wishes the readers one and all a very merry Christmas! Full accounts of the festivities will be expected in the comments box and the English Courtesan will award the usual random points for adult content and offended relatives, though not necessarily at the same time.

Incidentally and just for the record, the English Courtesan doesn't actually do doormats in that sense. No. That would be filthy. And bristly. ;-)

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