The Discourser

Tell Me What You Think...

2009-11-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

The Wife, Seniors Upstairs, and I attended a Halloween party at one of the Family I Do Not Hate's house last Saturday. This is annual affair with the house transformed into a terrifying Haunted House complete with coffins, grave stones, ghouls, goblins, and plenty of spooky lighting and theater fog. In all honesty, the place is awesome.

This year I went out onto the newly transformed back deck to grab an adult beverage and chat with some fellow party goers. I noticed directly next door that there was a pretty lively party going on with a lot of loud voices. One of the guys out on the deck informed me it was his daughter's Halloween party. She was 15. The neighbor, whom I have known for a really long time, retreated back into the house. One of my cousins informed me the neighbor had caught some of the party goers sneaking in booze.

I looked out across the yard and into the neighbors yard and observed a group of young men drinking beer as well as a depleted bottle of Captain Morgan's rum. Another one of the guys had a full bottle of Jagermiester in his hands. I just shook my head in wonder. How does a parent let that go on being that he was right next door?

Later in the evening some of us went outside to get the full view of the Halloween decorations on the front of the house. My cousin, the same one I was talking to before, smelled a huge cloud of pot smoke waft through the air from the neighbor's house. My cousin told the neighbor who, slurred heavily due to the multiple tequila shots he had imbibed, and said that was not cool. He then walked off towards his house.

My cousin and I looked at each other and agreed we couldn't let the neighbor go over there by himself. Plus we wanted to view the train wreck of a situation for ourselves. We followed the neighbor up the path to his house. The smell of beer was heavy on the front porch due to a large puddle. I crossed the threshold of the front door and saw 10 to 15 kids sitting in the living room to the left. To my right sitting at the dining room table were five people, mostly males. A beer pong game was set up and ready to be played.

In the kitchen were two large piles of Costco pizzas. On the floor of the kitchen were seven or eight empty 15 packs of Bud Light. I turned from the kitchen and back to the kids at the table who were getting up and starting to run outside. One of the kids stashed something in the cabinet door of the serving bureau behind the dining room table before fleeing the house.

In the back yard were four Pacific Islander males, all over six feet. Most of the male party goers were way older than 15, some even adults. One was busy stuffing his stash of dope into his pocket as we approached the sliding glass door. On the lawn there were at least 15 to 20 people all drinking and carrying on. Three females dressed similarly to strippers half way through their routines squeezed by my cousin and I and fled the area.

The neighbor mumbled something about smoking pot not being cool and to stop. He then turned around to leave. I told him about something being stashed in his bureau and he blew it off. I shrugged, shook my head, and left the house with my cousin.

Upon arriving back at my cousin's house I told the neighbor's wife what was going on. I also strongly suggested they tell their daughter to clear the house. Over the next half hour the mom exchanged texts but never set foot in her own house to see what was going on. Other responsible adults at the party told the neighbors they could lose their house if anything happened to the under age drinkers since they were in full knowledge of the situation. Even that did not motivate them to act quickly.

The Wife and I left the party and returned an hour later to pick up the Seniors Upstairs. Apparently the daughter called 911 herself and another one of my aunt's guests went next door to clear the house.

Am I wrong in thinking the neighbor and his wife are witless turds and complicit in the delinquency of a minor? Tell me what you think...

Later.

Fart Tally Update

2009-11-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

OK, the tally has been taken for the month of October. The number is distinctly lower than in previous months. I am surprised that the elimination of one particular item has had such a significant impact on the amount of sewer fumes emanating form The Discourser's body.

The total for the month is 326. That is down 74 gaseous rumblings from the month before and the lowest daily average of the year at 10.516 .

I have, for the most part, eliminated soda from my daily regimen of eating. Soda has been replaced by iced tea. I prefer the Lipton diet iced tea; not too sweet. The occasional soda gives a little bit of a rumble. However, more than one in any given day produces big problems. Therefore I will try very hard to fully eliminate soda from the diet.

We'll see what November brings with the holidays! Later...

Windows 7 Release

2009-10-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

OK, so I waited for all the Microsoft Addicts to finish soiling themselves with excitement before I allowed myself to read anything related to reviews on the new operating system, Windows 7. I have been running XP on my Windows machines since it came out and have been happy with what it does. I avoided the whole Vista train wreck and watched first hand as The Boss purchased a Vista box for her husband's business.

I went down to her house after getting a call that their industrial sized color printer was not behaving well with the change to Vista. After working on the issue for about an hour and getting the printer to only once spit out a test page, consulting with online forums, and reading volumes of text, it was determined Vista was the problem. Apparently it did not like the printer or the Vista drivers it required me to install from the printer manufacturer. Switching to The Boss's XP laptop had the printer working like a sweat shop full of Christmas elves churning out lead painted toys.

The Boss returned the rather expensive Vista box and purchased a used Dell XP box from Craigslist at the reduced price of $99. Printing joy was soon restored to her husband's business.

With the new release of Windows 7 and after waiting for the Microsoft disciples' cultish chanting to end, I began reading CNET, Wired, and a couple of other blogsites to see what the verdict was going to be. It all seemed pretty positive. The Wired site gave a link to the Microsoft compatibility tool to determine if your current system could handle the upgrade. I downloaded that file and continued reading.

Apparently XP users cannot simply upgrade. I would have to pay upwards of $219 for the new OS, back up all my files and applications to an external drive, wipe my internal HD totally, and execute a clean install of Windows 7. Also, there was a word of warning, not all the files and applications from my backup may work in the new OS. I wasn't liking that at all...

The download finished and I ran the file to see if my HP dv6000t laptop could handle the new OS. A few minutes later the report came back. My video processor, an NVidia GeForce Go 7400 would not be able to handle the new graphics of the OS. It recommended I upgrade the graphics card. A host of other applications were not compatible and would require upgrades in order to possibly work. Definite no-joy.

On the flip side, I was able to upgrade my Black MacBook from Leopard to Snow Leopard with no system issues what-so-ever. All my applications and files worked without issue and there was no need for a total disk wipe. Oh, and the price for upgrade was only $39. That was super awesome. The other plus of switching from Leopard to Snow Leopard was less bloat in the OS. The revision freed up 7 GB of space. That was another bonus.

So, I will continue to watch as the Microsoft Zealots chant, kneel, and sob with joy as they welcome their Windows Messiah.

I was planning to adopt the new OS but since I do not plan on buying a new Windows box nor am I willing to fret over upgrading my trusty XP laptop there will be no money flowing from my pockets to Darth Gates. Instead I will be happy to use my HP for net surfing and word processing. All other tasks for multimedia design, web design, and anything else not categorized as net surfing or word processing will be handled by my MacBook.

I would rather drink Job's Kool-Aid than worship at the feet of the dark lord Darth Gates.

Great Video - Super Creative

2009-10-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

One of the Superfriends caught me online and forwarded me this great video. I thought you would all appreciate it too!

Oh Inspiration Where Have You Been?

2009-10-05T18:10:00.000-07:00

I, like many of my fellow blog-mates, have been remiss in posting anything new. I used to have so much drivel that my posts were made on a daily basis. Then my posts were every other day since I felt I was just writing to write with no purpose or reason. That has led to the infrequent postings we see today. I cannot say I am apathetic to the blog. I still love the medium. Yet I am at a loss for inspiration. My goal is to write something that is funny and gives a peek into the life of The Discourser. My life, however, is not so interesting that I can pull a daily post any longer.

Still, that will not dissuade me from relating to you the Tale of Girl Gangs Gone Wild. No, this is not a new video release from Joseph R. Francis. Rather this is a story about eighth grade girls versus seventh grade girls in a fight for superiority of the female species.

All of this drama stems from a seventh graders attempt to make herself known. She pushed and mouthed off to an eighth grade Samoan girl. If any of you have worked with, are friends with, or have gone to school with any Pacific Islanders you are aware they are a large people. This girl is probably three fourths my size. Those that know The Discourser personally will understand how large that really is. The seventh grader is about one fourth my size. Obviously the seventh grader is not that smart.

The the seventh grader gets "bumped" in the hallway by a friend of the eighth grader and a fight ensues. Seventh grader is suspended one day and eighth grade girl was required to have her mother come in and talk to us. This "fight", more of a slap you in the face/ pull your hair and cry contest, was at the end of the day and we hoped everything would be over. No such luck.

Seventh grade girl's mouth keeps running and gets her into more trouble with yet another eighth grade girl. This one just happens to be a wannabe Red gang member. Wannabe gang member, not wanting to actually get her hands dirty, sends one of her puppet stooges to attack seventh grade girl. Eighth grade stooge gets a handful of seventh grade girl's hair and proceeds to smash her head into the lockers, punch her in the head, and administer a minor concussion before being separated by staff.

Seventh grade girl, now known as Concussion Girl/ formerly known as Everyone is Jealous of Me Girl (that was the reason she gave for all the girl drama before the last fight) makes her statement and is taken home by her parent. Eighth Grade Stooge Girl is spoken to by the police and taken home by her parent and suspended three days. All is done right? No...there is more.

Wannabe Red Gang Member Girl is brought in on a related charge of threatening another seventh grade girl. We find she is carrying some night time cold medicine whose primary ingredient is alcohol, gang graffiti, and her pupils were as big as black marbles; a sure sign she is on something. We suspend her for five days for the threats, possession of dangerous objects, and threats and intimidation. Done? No...

Today we had a second visitation from the loyal Boys in Blue. Apparently the responding officers on Friday did not arrest the suspect. We, along with Angry Officer interviewed people from 9 to 11:30 in the morning. The conclusion? Angry Officer was going to visit every involved student and draw a line in the sand. The message? Fight and you will be expelled not only by the school but by the police as well. In no uncertain terms Angry Officer will kick you and your family out of town. Do NOT mess with Angry Officer...ever.

And so ends The Tale of Girl Gangs Gone Wild. I'm off to do some reading...Later.

Incredible Motivational Video...

2009-09-23T22:49:00.000-07:00

An awesome video sent to my from The Boss. Great for motivation...take two minutes from your busy lives to watch it. Later...

FCA and the Long, Strange Trip

2009-09-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

As many of you know The Wife and I have been acting as the caretaker and responsible party for FCA, my Freakishly Crazy Aunt. The Wife and I began this strange trip in December of 2005 with the passing of her husband, my uncle. The Wife and I were the primary party who would take FCA to the doctor, the grocery store, the pet store, the hairdresser, the pharmacy, and to the bank. We were regularly over her house in Dementiaville three times a week.

As time progressed we were attending to her every need making certain she followed doctor's orders and took the medication prescribed to her. Eventually her Douche Bag Son came back to town after a 20 year hiatus looking for a free ride and a handout. Douche Bag Son comes to help out his mom but actually ends up being a huge liability to her existence. In fact, FCA KNOWS that Douche Bag Son is such a loser she puts legal pieces in place to guard against being fleeced for everything she had. The downside of the legal maneuvers is that she puts The Wife and I in charge.

So we continue acting as caretakers and her only support system over the past four years. A year ago FCA takes a tumble and breaks her hip. We believe she was "helped" in her fall by Douche Bag Son looking for a payday but we cannot prove our suspicions. Anyway, FCA enters the hospital, has her hip repaired, and was dismissed to a rehab facility. At the rehab facility she demonstrated she had no capacity to follow through on her own rehab. FCA was placed in a 24 hour care facility for her safety and was told by her doctors she would need to stay there for the rest of her life. Obviously this was hard on FCA but she made the adjustment.

FCA continued to struggle with her rehabilitation and eventually encountered medical issues that were negatively affecting her health. Her doctors, bless them, worked to help her at every turn. However, she was growing older and weaker. We were told her body was slowly shutting down. Sad really when you consider how strong she had been for so long and how independent she was all her life.

In July her doctors made the call to place her in the care of a hospice agency. Her health continued to deteriorate and she became weaker and weaker. The hospice care people were unbelievably awesome and caring. These people are truly gifts from Heaven. They were respectful of her wishes, ensured she was always comfortable, and cared for her every need.

Over the Labor Day weekend FCA began to struggle with her breathing. Her difficulties became so severe late in the weekend that the care facility called hospice. By Monday The Wife and I were by her side spending as much time as possible with her and reassuring her she would be feeling great very soon. Various family members stopped in to pay their respects while FCA struggled. Douche Bag Son finally arrived after I called him. He spent some time with her and was able to say his goodbyes.

Tuesday while at work I got the call she had passed. Senior Mom and my last remaining uncle met me at her care facility. I stayed with her through the morning and into the afternoon until the funeral home picked up her body. FCA passed away comfortable and in little to no pain thanks to the hospice workers.

The Wife and I tended to her arrangements as per FCA's wishes. Every detail was adhered to out of respect and the family gathered for her viewing last Saturday. We shared stories from our past with FCA and our uncle and laughed, remembering her as she was. FCA was, at times, harsh and difficult to be around. However, if you were able to stick it out and get beneath the abrasive exterior, you were rewarded with a kind and generous person. That is the FCA The Wife and I will remember.

There are stories to be told about our four years as her care takers but those will be for a later post. Right now I do not want to give any indication of negativity. Rather, I want to observe that the first part of the Long, Strange Trip is over and FCA has journeyed to a better, safer place where she can be with her beloved animals and her husband. I wonder if Heaven allows smoking and has a casino? If so, FCA truly is happy!

Later...

The iRiver is No More

2009-09-06T12:22:00.000-07:00

Alas poor iRiver your existence as a multimedia device was short. However, your new purpose in life is to act as a universal storage device.

Through persistence and Internet research I was able to find information on how to reformat the HDD within the iRiver H10 20GB media player. Actually, it was easier than I ever thought possible. All I had to do was connect the device to my computer, hold down one of the buttons and power on the iRiver. My computer recognized it as a drive rather than a device (F: to be exact.)

From there I was able to access the menu to do a full reformat. That took around 15 minutes and utterly wiped out everything on the device. From there I moved it from my HP laptop to my MacBook. I then opened up the drive, transferred a few files to test the universal capability, and disconnected the drive. I went back to my HP, hooked up, and the files were there and readable.

I am now the proud owner of a re-purposed iRiver H10. The task was kind of cool and I am glad I took the time to try something a bit different today. Now, what else can I mess with...

Later...

iPod versus Anything Else

2009-09-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me in the real world, The Discourser is a fanboy of anything electronic. The newer and cooler the better. A number of years ago I had become interested in the world of MP3 players. I was yet to be sold on the whole iPod craze at the time because The Boy was having so much trouble with his 3rd Gen. We had returned it to the Apple store so many times they told us to never come back.

Anyway, to avoid the same issues with the then flighty 3rd Gen iPod I began doing research. My Internet travels revealed what the industry at the time hailed as the best competition to the iPod. That device was marketed as the iRiver H10. The iRiver had a color screen, 20 GB of storage space, could handle photos as well as music, and looked great in the various colors it was given. That year the GoG pulled together and purchased me one for my birthday. I was in heaven!

I loaded the software onto my laptop, plugged the iRiver into the USB port, and happily loaded all my 80's and 90's music onto the thing via Windows Media Player 9. Happy days were had by all...

Then iRiver announced the firmware upgrades. At the same time Microsoft announced its upgrade to WMP10. Great I thought. I will upgrade the firmware and then upgrade WMP! The firmware upgrade was a buggy endeavor that took far too much time with little improvement in the overall functionality of the product. In fact, all that changed was the hour glass icon when you were having to wait for the device to respond.

The upgrade to Windows Media Player 10 was a huge mistake. Things were working lovely on version 9. However 10 proved to be fraught with interface issues. I would be able to sync the iRiver maybe 20% of the time without it freezing and requiring a reset. I had to have a miniature safety pin sitting next to my computer at all times because of the frequency of the issues. Meanwhile, Apple junked the Gen 3 iPods and released the Gen 4 versions. Better on board OS and reliability of the hardware. I was still dedicated to the iRiver and refused to drink the Kool-Aid.

The iRiver continued to be buggy even when not connected to WMP. The handy miniature safety pin was a must have even when using the device away from the computer. It became so frustrating that the iRiver became a semi-permanent fixture on my night stand. In January of 2008 The Wife and I purchased iPhones for our upgrade replacements with our cellular service.

At that time I was using an Apple MacBook as well as my trusty HP laptop. I had switched out my Linksys router and wifi access point with an Apple Airport Extreme. The Wife had replaced her aged HP desktop with a sleek 20-inch iMac. A year prior to that she had picked up a MacBook for use at work and got a 120 GB iPod Classic to replace her insanely problematic iRiver H10 20 GB (Red). The addition of the iPhone was further evidence I had been drinking the Apple Kool-Aid. At first it was little sips but now I am chugging the stuff like a street wino down a jug of Gallo.

The ease of iTunes and the sleek interface made WMP look like something cobbled together by disgruntled elves in Santa's workshop. The death blow to the iRiver came last Father's Day when I received my own 120 GB iPod Classic. It is simply joyous! I have some of my favorite movies as well as my entire music collection on the device with never a hiccup in service. The iPod is truly awesome. I highly recommend one if you are into digital media. It is so much better than carting around 220 CD's and 20 something movies wherever I go.

Today I am futzing with the iRiver, trying to see if I can "crack" its inner working and at least make it a universal 20 GB mass storage device. If that task cannot be accomplished the still attractive device will be relegated to the Misfit Island of Unused Electronics at the back of my closet. Actually, Misfit Island is nothing more than a shoebox with dead tech. I am not super hopeful for the iRiver's future...

Off to the deconstruct the iRiver. Later...

My Name Is Filth

2009-09-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am filthy...no question about it. If you can't figure it out it is Fart Tally Update Day.

The new total for the month of August is...459.

Good Lord something horrible is wrong with me. There is no rhyme or reason to my rumbling innards. I can adjust my diet for a few days and the change to the daily tally is minimal. Things that increase the daily tally are:

Super Burritos from almost anywhere.
Pizza.
Anything containing a hint of garlic. (The Wife usually asks me to sleep outside)
Carbonated drinks both alcoholic and non-alcoholic.
Soft Cheeses.
Cabbage. (I can't stand myself)
Greasy Foods. (Fast food is out)

As we can see, most any foods are triggers for poo fumes. I am now working to address my gut busting issues with an adjustment in my morning breakfast and lunch time meals. Hopefully the adjustment in the diet will reduce the tally for September. You will be the first to know.

That's all for now. Oh, the annual tally for the year including the month of August is 3269. Like I said...My Name is Filth.

Later...

We Done Be Back at School

2009-08-31T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well, the lazy days of Summer have been left in the rear view mirror and the long road of the school year is unwinding in front of us. I officially went back to work in mid-August while The Wife officially went back last week.

The return for me was a lot different than in previous years. Normally I am still struggling to finish the school's master schedule and have it in place before the students and families come to pick them up a few days before school starts. In previous years I have had near meltdowns trying to construct work arounds to seriously crippling system issues. One year saw my Network Manager and I work for 72 hours to shoehorn the schedule into something akin to order and publish it so kids had a place to go on the first day. The clean up on that one took months.

Other years have seen me in varying stages of absolute panic and frustration; an unstable human time bomb on the verge of exploding and laying waste to everything in sight. Most of my gray hair in the past ten years has come from this annual exercise. This year was different.

Administratively, we made large scale changes "under the hood" of our master schedule. We positioned students for success and while no one on the outside would know we made big changes, those on the inside understand significant adjustments were made. The placement of kids was a huge deal but was accomplished rather quickly. I was able to "push the button" and schedule the kids a week before my school year ended. I spent the following day looking for problems and found none. I was stunned. My annual task of was done...no freak outs, no crawling into a ball under my desk, no spontaneous primal screams while pounding on my keyboard, and no late night sacrifices to the Schedule Gods.

I returned for the new year not needing to muck with the schedule in any way. Minor changes were made along the way but nothing where I had to get my hands dirty. The lack of massive stress and tension was a most unfamiliar feeling. The upshot of the lack of stress and time suck allowed me to focus on other tasks normally left unattended until the schedule was set. As it stands today I am massively caught up. The feeling is fantastic. I have NEVER started a school year feeling on top of the game. I like it...

Updates:

Fart Tally updates are fast approaching. Updates will be published tomorrow evening. This one is going to be close to a record breaker so stay tuned.
Book Reading has been on hold for the month of August. I still have Neal Stephenson's "Anathem" sitting on my shelf staring at me. I will begin reading on September 1. I've already surpassed my New Year's Resolution goal of one book a month. Thus far I have read 14 books for the year. This next one is going to be tough though.
I have become a total Apple Mac fan over the Summer. I was a fan before but now I am a total convert. I still love my HP laptop but for anything remotely involving multimedia I gotta have my Mac. People complain about the "Mac Tax", that extra $800 - 1000 you pay for a Mac. Shut up and pay it...its the best investment.

Enough for now...I think I'm going to finish watching Bubble Gum Crisis on my iPod. Later...

Movie Reviews

2009-08-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

Every summer The Wife and I generally overdose on movies. We use Netflix and also rent through the local Hollywood Video store. Having nearly over indulged I would like to offer up some reviews of the films we have seen. not all have been wonderful, in fact, some have been horrible. Anyway, here goes...

"The Haunting in Connecticut": The movie started out with massive potential. Some cool effects and semi-scary scenes. The film took a serious downturn about midway through. The story unraveled and became weak. The effects could no longer carry the movie and it became hideous. The movie is only good for around 30 minutes. After that, take out the DVD and use it as a Frisbee. That would be more fun than watching the rest of the movie.

"Blart Mall Cop": Kevin James is hilarious. The story fell flat at times but you must remember this is not "Caddyshack" or "Animal House". The action sequences were freaking hilarious and the character interactions were truly funny. I would see this one again for fun.

"Obsessed": This was obviously a vehicle to promote Beyonce as an actress. She was pretty darned good as an ass kicking actress. The fight between her and Ali Larter was good although the end was a bit disappointing. Check this one out.

"Marley and Me": See it and bring tissue. I am a hard ass and never, ever become emotional at anything. This movie absolutely, utterly destroyed me. I know, I know...stupid. However, the movie ripped my guts out. I was an emotional mess. Do not ask questions. Do not hesitate. Watch the movie.

"The Visitor": According to The Wife this one was recommended by someone. It sucked massively. I could not make it to thirty minutes. In fact, we pulled the movie out of the DVD player at around the 20 minute mark. Forget this one. It was like watching paint dry. In fact, I would rather watch paint dry. Watching paint dry means I would have accomplished something worthwhile.

"The Happening": It appears that M. Night Shamalan blew his load on "The Sixth Sense". The dialogue was flat, the acting was wooden, and I actually felt bad for the actors. The female lead in the film could have easily been replaced by a mannequin. Her screen presence was pitiful and she might as well been part of the set. There was little to no mystery or suspense. It SUCKED and I was pissed I lost 90 minutes of my life.

"The Knowing": Premise kind of cool, special effects good, actual story blew chunks. The end was hideous. Space aliens? Really? I will say no more...

"Bangkok Dangerous": Here it is in a nutshell...great intro, action sequences pretty good, romantic attachment forced, ending crappy. I enjoyed the movie up to the end because I reveled in the action sequences. Now, don't get me wrong, this was no John Woo "Killer" or "Hard Boiled" but it was fun action. If you have to choose between this movie and say, "The Sound of Music", choose "Bangkok Dangerous".

"Bride Wars": Very funny movie. Ding purchased the movie and we watched it while staying in The Red State. I had little to no expectation for this movie and planned to catch a nap while everyone watched. However, I was pleasantly surprised and fully enjoyed the movie. Cute, funny, and fun.

"Confessions of a Shopaholic": Another Ding choice and a decent one at that. In the same vein as "Bride Wars". Keep your expectations low and do not search for any real story and you will not be disappointed. A nice choice over cleaning a hair clog from the drain.

"I Love You Man": This movie was very funny. It was all the more better due to the appearance of the band, Rush. Additionally, the film was helped by Rush music throughout. The comedy is fun and the awkwardness of the main character is nearly unwatchable. I really enjoyed it, especially after the first day back to work from vacation.

"Watchmen": Stupendous movie. Visuals blew my mind. I am a massive nerd fanboy of the original comic miniseries and have been salivating at the thought of seeing it in film. I can see where an non fanboy would have a tough time with the story but I so enjoyed every moment. If you are a geek like me it is a must see.

I am suffering from amnesia at the moment. I know we watched about 10 more movies but I cannot for the life of me remember what they were. Anyway, these are the reviews of the ones I can remember seeing. If my amnesiac episode passes and I remember more I will list them. Until then...

The GoG and SPAM Logs

2009-08-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Last night the GoG convened for a meeting of geekdom here at The Homestead. In attendance were The Professor, our mighty story teller, The Craftsman, The Warden, Rave Boy, NTT's Brain, The Acupuncturist, and myself. A few days before convening the GoG The Wife and I did some shopping at the local Costco.

I had seen these on the last trip to Costco but was banned from purchasing them. This time I would not be denied. I believed the GoG needed to try the new SPAM hot dogs. Of course being SPAM, there is no way you could buy only one package. No, you are required by SPAM Law to purchase three packs of eight SPAM hot dogs.

The plan was to grill the SPAM dogs which I will refer to as "logs" from this point forward. To accompany the SPAM logs I had planned to make sticky rice. Now, being the GoG I took 10 cups of rice and popped the rice into the steamer. The result was 20 cups of steamed rice! I absolutely LOVE sticky rice and SPAM. The plan to grill the SPAM logs was dashed due to crappy weather. To compensate I cooked them in the oven until they were semi-brown. My cookie sheet could only handle 16 SPAM logs so one package went unused.

I was giddy with excitement as I pulled them from the oven all pink and brown in their SPAMMY glory. I loaded my bowl with steamed rice, garnished with plenty of soy sauce, and plopped two SPAM logs onto the starchy mountain. I dug in expecting to have a salty, processed meat flavor overpower my senses. Sadly, the SPAM logs were more like regular hot dogs than regular SPAM molded into logs. Now, don't get me wrong, this is SPAM we are talking about. I still enjoyed the SPAM log experience. It was just not up to my expectations. As a loyal SPAM fan I will always give new products a try. How could you not love pork and mechanically separated chicken parts?

A quick check of the official SPAM website has alerted me to two products I have yet to try; SPAM with Cheese and SPAM Spread. I have already tried everything else. I am pretty sure I would try SPAM soda if it came out. In fact, I was joking with Ding that I would give her 20 bucks to drink the SPAM juice left in the SPAM log package. She nearly threw up at the thought. However, The Craftsman and I both agreed we would drink it for 20 bucks. I would try SPAM soda for free.

Anyway, even though our primary rice consumer The Supergoober was missing, we of the GoG polished off nearly all 20 cups of rice and the 16 SPAM logs. The Craftsman took a little rice home for his wife and I squirreled away the rest for The Wife.

Today I am suffering minimal affects from the SPAM log experiment. There are still eight left in the refrigerator that I may actually throw on the grill to see if I can seal in the salty SPAM yumminess and redeem the SPAM log reputation.

I am now off to fold some laundry and watch some tube. All Hail SPAM!

Goodbye John Hughes and Thanks for the Memories

2009-08-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Today I heard that John Hughes passed away from a heart attack while exercising on a visit to family in New York. For those of you who slept through the 80's and 90's Hughes was the voice of the frustrated, awkward, and struggling teen trying to find their place in the hierarchy of life. Hughes was responsible for some of my absolute favorite movies including "The Breakfast Club."

A few weeks ago I sat and watched the Director's Cut of "The Breakfast Club" while The Wife and Ding were out running errands. It was the 25th anniversary edition and includes a 12 part interview with Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall, and the guy who played Carl the Janitor. Every one of them praised Hughes' genius at writing, working with young people, identifying talent, and allowing the actors to contribute to the work. The piece was prolific at highlighting the dramas of the high school life by deconstructing the walls surrounding the archetypes of every high school experience: the Basketcase (now Emo), the Princess, the Jock, the Nerd, and the Criminal (punk, skater, rocker, etc).

More than his professional accomplishments Hughes put into words and visuals what I felt as an awkward teen. I suffered from an identity crisis of sorts as I sought out the crowd that would accept me through high school. I have never identified with a writer in such a way before or since. The best part of "The Breakfast Club" was there was a piece of me in every character all with the undertone of paranoia and insecurity of a teen.

Hughes' other works are no less prolific. I will always make time for "Sixteen Candles" when it is on television and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" never disappoints me even though I have seen it countless number of times. Hughes had the magical ability to create characters you loved almost immediately while putting them into situations you could barely watch because the embarrassment factor was so high. Think Anthony Michael Hall in the blues club taking Blind Dog Bourbon shots, Molly Ringwald's total humiliation at finding Farmer Ted (Michael Anthony Hall again) charged people to see her panties, or the entire "National Lampoon's Vacation." No matter how awkward or embarrassing, the characters you became connected to always persevered.

Hughes has provided me with countless laughs and enjoyment over the many years since. He was the champion of the high school misfit who had us cheering for the dork hoping like Hell they would find true love/ acceptance/ respect. Moreover, Hughes wanted his characters to stop if only for a moment, to look at what was right in front of them, and appreciate what they had instead of chasing a false image thrust upon them by the masses. I am grateful for his time on this planet and what he was able to leave behind.

In the immortal words of Ferris Bueller, "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Last Stop of the Summer

2009-08-05T10:22:00.001-07:00

The Wife and I make an annual trek to a lovely seaside resort community to celebrate our wedding anniversary and to recharge our batteries before embarking on another exhausting year in the education world. This year saw us again staying at our favorite resort, a rustic remodeled milk farm outside of the main town. We were both concerned about the weather as it has been rather gloomy in years past. The weather forecast for the area was partly cloudy/ cloudy with temperatures in the mid-60s. The weather has been stellar; nothing like the forecasts.

We arrived in town and checked into the resort. Being early we were unable to get into our room so decided to explore the area and visit some of our favorite sites. The main shopping plaza has the best cheese shop in the world. We make our yearly stop to pick up a hunk of aged Prima Donna Gouda cheese, some Havarti dill, a salami, some bread and crackers, and whatever artisan cheese we find tasty. The next stop is to some of our favorite shops. Unfortunately the recession claimed the life of a place The Wife enjoys visiting.

After we checked back into the room we took a ride along the coast and parked at an overlook to watch the ocean. We sat as the sun began to set, watching the seals and otters frolic in the surf when I spied three dorsal fins in the water. Let me stop you there. This was not a triple Jaws sighting. These were three dolphins making their way along the coast about 100 feet off the surf parallel to the beach. The sight was amazing. As I told The Wife, "Paradise just got better."

Here are a couple of pictures I took using my iPhone while having lunch.

There was so much we have done in the past few days that is just amazing. The views are all breathtaking and the sound of the surf pounding against the rocks and rolling up onto the beaches is magically therapeutic. This place is healing. I drive around the town and look at all the quaint houses wishing like Hell I could live here. However, I wonder if living here would sustain that magical feeling The Wife and I get when we descend into the town from the highway above. I imagine something would be lost living day to day in this environment. I know that being away for as long as we are makes the visit all the better.

The other bonus about our getaway is that it forces us to relax. There is no Internet access at the resort. In fact, there is barely cell service. We have to drive into town and visit a local coffee shop to use their free WiFi (like right now!). Some mornings we wake up to the sheep talking to one another outside our room. Their pen is just outside our porch doors and the addition of a new baby has been fun to see.

Anyway, I ramble. Today is The Wife and my 14th anniversary. We are off to visit the local coastline, dine on some good food, and walk the main street to visit more shops. Sadly, we will be leaving tomorrow to return to the madness that is home. However, we will definitely be back next year. I don't think I could go without The Wife and I being here. These are my favorite days of summer.

Peace...

Monthly Update

2009-07-31T23:24:00.001-07:00

OK folks, it is that time again...time for the monthly update on The Discourser's Fart Tracker.

The month of July was a rough one on The Discourser. His trip to the South and all the rich foods that come with the trip was devastating. Biscuits and gravy, fried everything, and all sorts of desserts and sweets was brutal on the digestive system. Toss in a SPAM attack while camping and all sorts of yummy camp foods and we have a near record month. Only May was gassier in the Homestead.

And now without further ado...the total for July is...

431

The total for the last seven months is as follows:

January: 392
February: 346
March: 350
April: 383
May: 464
June: 404
July: 431

Yearly total to date: 2770

That is 2770 reeking clouds of sewage scum flowing out of The Discourser's body. I am sickened at my internal nastiness. Small wonder that the rest of The Homestead has constant burning eyes. I am wretched...

Off to reset the tally taker for August. Woohoo!

Three Weddings and a Funeral

2009-07-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

The primary reason for our Cross Country Trek this year was to pay our respects to The Wife's grandmother. "Grandma Dee" was one of those people you are lucky to meet in your lifetime. She was and will always be one of the most incredible people I will ever have the privilege of meeting. She passed at the age of 99 back in October of 2008. We were going to have the memorial in the Red State and then transport her remains to her longtime home in the north.

Having conducted the open house/ memorial we loaded up the Cross Country Cruiser to head towards points north. We arrived at our destination later in the day and set ourselves up in the hotel. The next day The Wife, Ding, myself, and The Friend from the East set out for the memorial park where Grandma Dee would be interred. The Wife's parents arrived a few minutes after us and the three of them were whisked into a family conference room by a lady who was the spitting image of Rachel Ray.

We waited out in the lobby for quite some time until The Wife came out, grabbed me by the arm, and asked me to come to the back room. On the way back she asked if I had my minister's license with me. I quickly produced it from my wallet and showed her as we got to the door of the family conference room. Apparently the memorial park, among their myriad of fees, required that a funeral director or a member of the clergy be present to conduct the ceremony. I could only guess at what the asking price for a funeral director or an on-call clergy member costs but I surmised it was around $500 - $600.

Now, being that I am Reverend Discourser one would surmise I was dressed in a shirt, tie, slacks, dress shoes, and possibly a blazer or sport coat. No. I entered the room with the Rachel Ray look-alike (even down to her voice and personality), her boss, and the in-laws wearing a backwards baseball cap, jean shorts, and a t-shirt that read "I'd Like to Help You but I Can't Fix Stupid." Yep, that's me...your irreverent reverend.

The next day we arrived for the ceremony. Our time at the grave site was solemn and heart wrenchingly sad. The total time for my service was under five minutes. When I think about the charges from the memorial park I get pissed. I would be able to charge $100 a minute or $6000 an hour according to those charlatans. What a freaking racket death has become.

Anyway, now I have performed three weddings and a funeral. All I need is one more wedding to be like the 1994 movie starring Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell (thanks IMDB). For those of you out there planning on getting married, I work for food and beer and promise a super simple ceremony that is legal thanks to the Universal Life Church, the Internet, and five minutes one evening.

I'm off to try to fix our super expensive bed that has apparently broken causing The Wife and I to sleep at near 45 degree angles. Great fun for all! Later...

Additional Ratings in the AAA Handbooks

2009-07-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

Before we left on the big trek across the country and back The Wife made the obligatory trip to AAA for the regional travel books. She picked up every book of every state we would cross through on our journey. By using the books we are able to find hotels, restaurants, and learn a little about the regions we visit.

For anyone who has used one of these books you are familiar with the AAA Diamond Rating for motels, hotels, and restaurants. The diamond rating system is like the star ratings for movies and the like. Establishments get red diamonds if they are a premiere AAA establishment. Black diamonds are for those that are not premiere. I am still unsure as to what constitutes a premiere establishment since some of them have been a little questionable over our years of travel.

The ratings are, in part, based upon cleanliness, quality of service, and amenities provided to guests. I am planning on petitioning AAA to include in their accounting for ratings a section that examines the best place to take a crap.

Now, having traveled across an absurd amount of states, eaten in a massive amount of restaurants and stayed in many different hotels, I think that a crap rating is appropriate. Honestly, wouldn't you appreciate a rating that describes the cleanliness of a bathroom? For instance the Steak N Shake at exit 286 on Interstate 44 in St. Louis was a great place to eat but hideous if you wanted to take a #2. I do not necessarily use the bathroom in every establishment we stop in but it would be nice to know if it is clean and comfortable.

I would truly love to see the rating included in the hotel ratings. I judge a bathroom good if it matches the quality and comfort of my personal bathroom in The Dungeon. Kingman, Arizona's Summerhill Suites gets a top rating from me. The bathroom was separated into two rooms. One was the toilet and sink, the other room was the shower. Awesome for getting ready in the morning and for comfort. Definite for red diamonds. The bathroom at the Old Albuquerque Hotel in Albuquerque, New Mexico would get one black diamond. Comfort was a near zero and made things difficult.

The bathrooms at all Cracker Barrel restaurants are great for #1 and are generally clean. The first stall is cramped due to the absurdly large sized handicapped toilet. The first stall toilet is so low to the ground it feels like you are squatting and not sitting. The handicapped toilet is so tall my feet barely touched the floor. Number 2 is uncomfortable at best. Oh, and the plumbing in one poor Cracker Barrel was devastated. Thank goodness The Wife and Ding were already in the car with the engine running. That place smelled like the elephant pen at the circus on a hot summer day.

Anyway, I plan on contacting AAA in the near future to see if I can get my rating added to the travel books. Keep yer fingers crossed.

Later...

First There was Jesus and Then There was Porn

2009-07-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

The Wife, Ding, and I have traveled through a multitude of states on our Cross Country Cruise. Actually, we traveled through eleven states total as we crossed the country. Many of those states comprise the southern portion of our great country and are comprised of some deeply religious folks. Some scary religious folks...

What the three of us found absurdly funny was a proliferation of "Adult Superstores" along the exits of the roadway. These superstores are targeting the long haul truck drivers and offer a variety of services and merchandise. Some offer only books and videos while others are attached to some rather scummy looking strip clubs advertising XXX dancers. I wonder what the quality of dancer one gets in the middle of rural Kentucky...I actually shudder at the thought and refuse to even begin to generate a picture of a stripper in my mind for fear of not being able to get the image out.

Anyway, we were also amazed that the amount of Adult Superstore advertisements were equaled by "Jesus Saves" and "Jesus is Lord" billboards. Apparently the South is comprised of God fearing, Jesus loving sex addicts who get their porn on for six days and then go ask Jesus for forgiveness on Sunday. The best example was the "Christian Family Life Center" four doors down from the "Adult XXX Super Center" somewhere in Kentucky.

It seems to be the Bible thumping, self righteous, intolerant, Christian right wing south are a bunch of hypocrites who love their porn as much as grits, biscuits and gravy.

Off to unpack...more later.

Jesus Says, "Bring Your Gun to Church"

2009-07-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

We were sitting around in the in-laws Red State Homestead watching the news one night when a story came on about a church in Kentucky. The pastor was on the screen defending his recent decree for the flock of his parish. Pastor Jimmy Joe looked into the camera and proudly stated in a mush-mouth Southern drawl that he encouraged his followers to bring their guns to church.

WTF!?!

You read it correctly. He was telling the world at large that Jesus was OK with bringing your side arm to church. The pastor said the guns had to be checked that there was no ammunition before entering and that made it as safe to have a gun as a cell phone in the church. My question was, "What about the God fearing f*&%-tard that decides to bring in an extra clip of ammo or a pocketful of bullets and decides to blow away a few prayer worshipers before taking him/ herself out? Yeah, that Bible or hymnal is going to do a lot to stop the shower of bullets.

What infuriated me more was the idiotic complicity demonstrated by his parishioners and the public interviewed by CNN. To them it was just fine to bring a gun to church. I can just see Jesus nodding his head and agreeing with these fine examples of human flotsam. Funny though, in all those artist renditions of Jesus never did I see a Glock sticking out of his rope belt. I guess their brand of God is way more redneck than mine.

I am upset that yet another generation of fabulously ignorant morons will be raised in a church that condones bringing a gun to Sunday mass. Further, I must shake my head in anger/ bewilderment/ disgust at a group of people that will continue to taint their part of the world and spread their disease of ignorance. Trying to show these people the error of their ways is impossible given they still proudly display their Confederate flags, hiding behind the excuse that they are proud of their heritage not that it is a symbol of slavery and oppression to anyone who can spell "Confederate".

I was forced to turn the channel lest I throw my TV tray through the screen. I guess that is why I don't live in the South and choose to live in a progressive environment.

I'm off to watch some hotel TV...Later.

Catching Up with the Cross Country Trek

2009-07-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

The Wife, Ding, and I are sitting in the giant Red State, home of the Buffoon President, sweltering in the triple digit heat. We caught up with Paul's 365 Photo Blog and his wife in the center of the neighboring Red State to the East. We had the chance to see them on both ends of the trip. It was great to spend some time with them since they moved from the Left Coast and The Wife and I realized how much we miss them being local.

There is a lot to report so I will do them in separate installments. Here are the titles of a few upcoming entries...

"Jesus says, 'Bring Your Gun to Church.'"

"First There was Jesus and Then There was Porn."

"Additional Ratings in the AAA Travel Book"

I am off to locate ice and water for The Wife. See you soon...

The Ten Commandments of Road Travel

2009-07-03T12:29:00.001-07:00

The Wife and I have found that there are certain do's and don'ts of traveling the roadways of this great country of ours. This short installment will give you the Ten Commandments of the Road. Here we go.

Ten Commandments of the Road

1. Thou Shalt Not Eat a Four Foot Rope of Teriyaki Beef Jerky in the Car.

2. Thou Shalt Not Eat a Bag of Original Shrimp Chips in the Car.

3. Thou Shalt Not Violate Commandments 1 and 2 at the Same Time.

4. Thou Shalt Not Drink a 44 oz. Big Gulp in the Car...Ever.

5. Thou Shalt Not Eat Anywhere that Advertises "Home Cooking."

6. Thou Shalt Not Call the Local Police Officers "Roscoe" or "Enos."

7. Thou Shalt Not Refer to the Locals as "Jethro", "Cletus", or "Ellie May."

8. Thou Shalt Not Let Your Gas Tank Drop Below a Quarter. (You never know where you will have to go in desperation to fill up).

9. Thou Shalt Never Pick "Shortest Route" on the GPS...Very Scary Places You Will Find.

Finally...

10. Thou Shalt Not Fart in the Car When the Heat Index is over 100 Outside.

Finally in the Red State

2009-06-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

The Wife, Ding, and I have finally landed here in the Red State. I am tired from the drive and will post something more tomorrow. I just wanted to take the time to post a picture of the odometer from the Cross Country Cruiser. On it you can see the overall distance, the average miles per gallon over the course of the entire ride, and the temperature at 6:58 p.m.

First Day on the Road

2009-06-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

The Wife, Ding, and I began our trek to the Red State early this morning. We left The Homestead close to six in the morning and made our first stop within the first mile. The Wife and I had to feed our addiction to caffeine by stopping at the Starbucks up the street. Once caffinated we set forth on the massive trail.

The Wife printed up a bunch of stuff from AAA including the entire route map from door to door with all hotel stops in between. In addition to the printed material we set the destination into the built in GPS in the new Cross Country Cruiser. We followed the GPS while consulting with the printed maps as additional reference. When programming the GPS we were given three routed to take. Te first was overtly long and did not look similar to the one from the printed map or the one in my iPhone. The second looked close and we chose it. The Wife and I never bothered to look at the third route. A decision that proved costly.

We made our usual stop at our favorite fruit stand to off load our coffee and stretch our legs. I purchased a four foot rope of beef jerky and some original flavored shrimp chips. The three of us hit the road soon after. By the way, four feet of jerky rope and shrimp chips wreak havoc on my innards.

The GPS was guiding us down the roadway towards the junctions leading to the main highway eastward. The Cross Country Cruiser maneuvered through traffic and carried us through the highway junctions and switches. On our approach to a main southern artery the GPS gave us a strange direction. We were told to turn left off of a highway and onto an old version of the highway. The Wife and I thought it was strange but followed the female GPS voice. The directions took us through some back country roads dotted with the relics of civilization. Abandoned houses, run down businesses, and a smattering of people were seen int he sweltering heat.

The GPS then told us to take a highway North when The Wife and I were certain we were supposed to take it South. Again we shrugged and followed the GPS voice. About an hour into the this latest direction we realized the GPS was taking us away from the route we were familiar with. Too bad we realized the error too late. We were past the point of no return.

The Wife and I stopped in the middle of no where, got stuck in the bathroom line at a gas station behind a bus load of eastern European tourists, and continued on the slow moving to lane highway. We were resigned to following the stupid GPS. I had now grown to hate the female voice inside the GPS.

I took the next direction and we found ourselves driving down a two lane road through the desert. Cell service? None. Internet network availability? None. Houses? None. People? None. Other traffic? None. We were literally alone in the middle of the desert riding to who-knows-where. An hour or so later and four equally obscure highway interchanges later and we found ourselves approaching civilization.

Twelve ours after leaving The Homestead the three of us found our way to the hotel. The route the filthy bitch GPS took us on was ten miles shorter but two ours longer than the one we have taken in the past. God I hate her...

Over dinner The Wife suggested naming the female GPS voice. Names were tossed about and we all settled on Bea. Bea as in Beatrice. I liked Bea because when it screws up I can call her Beeotch! I am done with the road today. Tomorrow we again leave at the ass crack of dawn, fill up the tank, and hit the road once more.

Talk to you at the next stop. I am off to watch a little local tube and shower off the grime of the road.

Later...

Heading Off to the Red State

2009-06-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

The Wife, Ding, and I are preparing for a three week odyssey to the Red State. The journey is being undertaken to conduct a memorial service for her grandmother who passed away in October at the age of 99. We will be holding a memorial in the Red State and then journey North to have her buried next to her husband. From there, the three of us will head back towards the Left Coast cutting through the most useless part of the country.

As unbelievable as it may be, Ding passed her driver's license test and is now the proud holder of an official state license. She will be able to bear part of the driving burden as we trek to the Red State. During those times I will be in the back seat of the Cross Country Cruiser watching movies and reading.

One thing to look forward to is seeing our friends who recently relocated. Paul's 365 Photo Blog and his wife returned to parts eastward and we will be making a stop to see them and partake in some local delicacies. After that we will cross more scorched Earth until we arrive in the Red State.

I am also looking forward to the journey North. While the reason we are venturing North is for a sad reason, there are friends and sights all of us are excited to see. I cannot wait to eat at some of our old local haunts and partake of things we cannot find here at The Homestead. The stay in the Red State and our stay in the North will be like a whirlwind. In fact, it appears we will be staying more days on the road than we will be staying in any one location.

The return trip will be like a sprint as we try to meet up with The Wife's cousin and family from the east. We hope to find one another in the desert and stay a few days to catch up and enjoy each other's company. From there it will be the final push home. All total the trip will take three weeks. I am sure none of us will want to spend more than a few hours in a car driving anywhere once we are home.

I am off to play with my new Father's Day present. Happy Father's Day to all you dads, grand dads, and pet dads out there. Later!