The Old Disobedient Librarian

This blog going dark

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:55:00 +0000

Folks,

I maintain several blogs and have decided I need to reduce the number. So as of today, this blog will no longer be maintained. However, I'll be posting personal stuff on my previously (and still mostly) librarian-focused blog, which will take over the title of The Disobedient Librarian.

Thanks to all who've read my travails over the past years and hope to see you over at my other blog.

Peace out.

Discrimination or Terrible Customer Service?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:22:00 +0000

I've had a bad enough experience with this, that I need to rant about it on this blog:

I've been trying to get an appointment to see my endocrinologist (the only one in the Albany area with expertise in trans hormone issues) since last October! Here is a little chronology on my so far unsuccessful quest:

Summer 2009: make next appointment for May 26, 2010
October 2009: call to try and get an earlier appointment to discuss an adjustment to my hormones: am told schedule is completely booked (all days and times) up through June 2010.
Early May: get call that my appointment needs to be rescheduled - set it for June 2
June 2: arrive in office and am told my appointment was canceled and they were unable to get a hold of me (I did switch phones in mid-May, but they have my office number, which did not change). Attempt to reschedule - women notes that trans people are now restricted to "Transgender Tuesday" (her words, not mine) appointments now. I am tempted to say "how would you feel if your doctor said African-Americans, or women, could only make appointments one day of the week?" But I don't, and make an appointment for June 22nd - she says she has to confirm this and will contact me. I update my phone number with the person.
June 9: never heard back from them, so I call to confirm appointment. They say there is nothing in the calendar on it. They say "Mary," the doctor's nurse, will call me back to confirm. I ask about the "Tuesday only" policy and the woman states it's just the policy, she doesn't know why.
June 11: never got a call back, so I call again. They say they have to wait until the doctor opens his summer schedule to book my appointment and that "Mary" will call me "within a month." I again ask about the Tuesday policy thing; am told same thing: "I don't know."

So, yeah, a giant WTF here. I'm sort of stuck with this guy (who in the past has been a bit cold, but is generally ok). I really want to march over there and find out what is up with this seemingly discriminatory "Transgender Tuesdays" policy. What could be the reasoning behind it? To keep us away from the "normal" patients? This is bat-shit fucking crazy and, as you can probably tell by this point, I'm a bit miffed about it.

Juggling Foci

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 12:11:00 +0000

My computer crib

Yep, still here! I've been thinking a lot lately about addictions. Not in the strictly negative medical or psychological sense, but more in the sense of focus and lack of or need for variety and change. After all, we all have "addictions" of one kind or another, whether it takes the form of eating certain foods, watching television, gossiping, working out or just plain working, clothes shopping (shoes!!!), or even something as innocuous as needing air-conditioning to feel comfortable, or using only a certain brand of toothpaste or shampoo. In some cases this is due to comfort; we know what works or what feels good, so we stick with it. Fear of the unknown obviously plays into this as well.

I have, to a good degree, an addictive personality. At the same time I have always had a strong drive for variety. This plays out, for example, in my video game "focus." I love playing video games, but tend to fairly quickly get bored with any one game, usually long before beating it.

As a result I often feel torn between these often conflicting personality traits.

This sense is also being played out in my mind with the whole trans thing. Bear with me on this - I am not, nor ever will be going stealth or turning my back on my own community. But on one hand, for the most part recently, I've been pursuing my life as a librarian without much focus on my trans-ness. It's been somewhat comfortable and has been my focus. On the other, I totally miss (and perhaps need?) that close sense of community I feel most acutely when more active in the TG community; when I have regular contact with friends in the community, fractured though that community may be.

Of course, my still lingering social shyness/ineptitude plays into this. As does my inability to juggle/maintain too many social conversations at once. My focus on my career is slowly paying off and my contacts within the wonderful library community are growing and have been very rewarding. I guess I'm saying I want that same sense of belonging and purpose from the equally wonderful TG community. But I know the only way I'll get it is by shifting my focus and going out and seeking and maintaining those connections. I'm going to try, but please don't judge me if I'm slow in doing it. Change comes naturally, but slowly, for me.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:21:00 +0000

Yes, I am still here (sort of). Post break-up, it's been a pretty bleak last few months emotion-wise. So I've abstained from barfing all those ugly emotions on to you, gentle reader. Things have gotten better, although I'm still way lonely and isolated and buying and playing far too many video games. I've been getting out some and am back into a regular exercise regimen, which helps. Now to lose the 12-15 lbs I gained over the last 6 months!!!

Anyways, I may try vlogging later today after I finish installing Windows 7 on this machine. If I do I'll post that vid here too. No idea what I'll say tho. I'll have to give it some thought. If you have ideas, please let me know.

So this post has been exciting, huh? Wow, perhaps I shouldn't try to write 5 minutes after waking up on a Saturday morning...

FYI: if you are using Google Wave, feel free to look me up under: disobedientlibrarian

Amazon Imbroglio

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 04:26:00 +0000

The recent and on-going imbroglio over Amazon's seemingly intentional censorship of LGBT books (despite their claims denying it) got me thinking: what else might the mega-information companies (Amazon, Google, Microsoft, Facebook, our Government, the telecoms, etc.) that we all now pretty much depend on, be influencing/censoring/favoring based on political/social beliefs, that we don't even know about yet?

Kind of scary, isn't it? On the other hand, the fact that this Amazon thing (which I won't discuss, as far more knowledgeable people than me have done that already here, here) was caught so early and then publicized so widely and loudly by the blogosphere, gives me hope that there is power in the collective intelligence potential of web 2.0 (and beyond) technologies.

Messin' with the body-chem Sasquatch

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 02:48:00 +0000

So I've been on a different hormone regimen for about a month now. I switched from straight estrogen to doing estrotest, which is a mix of estro and testosterone. I've had a low sex-drive ever since my surgery 2 years ago and putting some of the icky male stuff back into my body is an effort to combat that. I can't say it's been a success yet, but I generally do feel it has helped give me some much needed everyday energy (I've gotten back into regular workouts sustained over a period of weeks!) and lifted me a little out of my depression.

I also finally got my new gaming desktop computer to work, and have dipped my toe into the zombie-infested world of Left 4 Dead. What an amazing game! And I haven't even done multiplayer mode yet (I have only played for about an hour total so far). I've also been thinking of either renewing my subscription to City of Heroes, since they've added the option to design and make available your own missions. But I was getting sick of that game when I left and am not sure I want to go back. I could also try WoW again, I'm not sure. Anything else I should look into game-wise?

Cosmetic Shift

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:13:00 +0000

I'm sitting here watching "Doomsday" on DVD and I realize, wow, we actually, with today's arrival of my Woot-bought home theater system, have a pretty kick-ass multimedia/entertainment system!

And then, obviously influenced by watching the movie, this question pops into my head, and I realize, while it's a great question, it also might make a cool idea for a book/movie:

What if there were an airborne pandemic; symptoms started out with quick, painful death but mutated, once about 75% of population had been wiped out (virus survival mechanism kicking in?). Switch to only outcome of disease is basically making every human uglier according to dominant species standards (perhaps severe and constant skin rashes and discoloration, and severe acne, or something similar that did not affect physiology or physical abilities in any other way). No cure or inoculation can be found.

A universal cosmetic shift in human appearance, in other words.

How would uninfected humans react to that 2nd stage of the virus? How extreme might the measures still taken to halt the virus, quarantine those infected, go? How many would die, be systematically killed, in the name of stopping an infection that simply changed our appearance? Would it simply be better to let the virus infect all? Could you make such a decision?

Now back to the movie and my beer...

High Diver

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:01:00 +0000

Folks,

My sincere apologies for not posting on here for so long. I've been otherwise occupied fighting off an extended depressive mood and doing other, less depressing stuff, too. Some of that is laid out in this video:

Namoli Brennet playing Troy Monday Oct 13

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:24:00 +0000

One of my fave musicians, and definitely my fave folk musician, and my fave trans guitarist, Namoli Brennet, is playing the Flavour Cafe in Troy next Monday (Oct 13). Here are details - please join us there for an intimate and fun night of music and kick-ass guitar!

If you don't live in the Albany area, go to her website for other tour dates - she is well worth checking out.

Mon. 10/13:
Flavour Cafe
228 4th St.
Troy, NY
7:30 pm
w/very special guest Andrea Paquin!

Video: my coming out at work story

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 21:08:00 +0000

Brief video about coming out at work a few years ago:

Make your voice heard today!: Trans support for Obama

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 16:10:00 +0000

The Stonewall Dems and a few influential trans and allied bloggers have been pushing this initiative and it appears to be getting some support (including some of my own heard-earned scratch). If you haven't done so already, please go visit this site with details for how to securely contribute whatever amount you can to the Obama campaign and make the presence of trans and trans-supporters known.

They have a goal to meet today, so please go visit asap!

Transgender Community and Allies Support Obama Day Drive

NYC Trip: Mind Blowing Off-Broadway Show

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:23:00 +0000

Jenn and I went to NYC this weekend. Here is a little video of some short snippets of the amazing rave/experience/dance/performance we saw in NYC Saturday night called Fuerzabruta:

40's Morning

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 09:29:00 +0000

Ah, city life, you never cease to throw up
such puzzle-disturbing realities in my path.
Walking dog past corner pizza place,
5am and first 40's morning of the Fall.
In dead readiness crouch:
hooded homeless man, head down, unmoving.
Pool of vomit thought-bubbled before him;
a cry of despair clawed into the pavement.

New Video

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 20:06:00 +0000

A recent YouTube video I made:

Awesome binaural listening "video"

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:52:00 +0000

Plug in your headphones, close your eyes and listen to this amazing binaural recording virtual haricut. It blew me away with how realistic it was. I was literally cringing away from the electric razor. I can totally see movies and video games adopting this kind of thing.

inner conflict about my outermost ramparts

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:08:00 +0000

So it looks like my excursion into vlogs is temporarily suspended for now, since the same day I launched my YouTube site and a few vids, my refurb'd Kodak camera decided to go kaput on me. Sending it back to Kodak for repairs, and in the meantime, my laptop webcam screws up the audio-video synch after about 20 seconds of recording, rendering it basically useless.

Anyways, I wanted to talk a bit more about my recent inner-conflict, touched on in my vlog embedded below a few days ago, about further body modifications. Specifically breat implants and or liposuction. I say inner-conflict because on one hand I have tiny breasts (barely A) and a bit of a beer belly, both of which I am overly self-conscious of and that limit the clothes I can comfortably wear and look decent in. They both also play havoc with my self-confidence at times. It is very hard to find a comfortable 36 A bra that fits and does anything for me and looks decent under clothing. And forget about wearing most dresses without some padding, which I really dislike doing.

On the other hand, it's sometimes nice not to have to wear a bra (the only real advantage to tiny breasts!). And most importantly: I'm asking myself if I really need to modify my body and undergo more painful surgery to feel more myself.

Is this a pure vanity thing? And is that necessarily a bad thing? Regardless, I'll get a consultation and then decide.

Capital Region AIDSWalk 2008

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:38:00 +0000

Folks,

If anyone out there is interested in donating to the NY Capital Region AIDSWalk cause (all donations are 100% tax deductible), you can do so securely via my FirstGiving donation page here:
http://www.firstgiving.com/danalongley

For more details about: where the money goes

Vlog Post

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 02:19:00 +0000

One of my YouTube videos:

Vlogs

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:52:00 +0000

I haven't been posting on here very much lately for many reasons: summer, plain busy, other blog, not much to say, and also I've been experimenting with vlogs.

I've tried the 12Seconds thing (http://12seconds.tv/channel/disobedientlib) and am now probably moving over to YouTube for regular ramblings. Nothing of note there yet, but I'll try to cross-post that stuff on here when I think of it and put thoughts more appropriate to the written word here as well.

update!: My YouTube channel is now populated with a couple vids: http://www.youtube.com/user/danahlongley

The Old Me

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 19:43:00 +0000

I came across this pic in one of my parents' photo albums up at our camp last week. It's so weird looking at the totally different person that was me only a few years ago. It seems so long ago and like part of a completely different reality.

For the curious, here is how I used to look before transitioning - totally gross!!!:

And for contrast, here is me now:

War of the Tulips Cartoonized

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:05:00 +0000

Came across this fun tool that lets you cartoonize or sketchize your photos:
Be Funky Cartoonizer

Culturally-Imposed Self Trans-shame?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 12:48:00 +0000

Ouch! I just realized I haven't posted on here is a while.

One thing I've been struggling a lot with lately is my often default sense of self-shame whenever my own or general transness comes out in discussion in non-LGBT spaces. Why the hell do I fall back on shame as an instinctual emotion in these situations? I'm getting better at suppressing that emotion and not letting it affect my actions, but it's still there, inside me.

This arose recently during a library conference I was attending and presenting at. Just prior to the remote keynote speaker, they played a video I guess promoting the reference service at one college using noir and trans themes. The female librarian was dressed as the male PI and a guy was dressed as the femme fatale. It wasn't that the gender expressions were intentionally humorous or mocking, but it got lots of laughs, which disturbed me at the time. Why should transgender expression automatically be a source of amusement? To me, that's a large part of the problem with getting trans equalities - we aren't taken seriously. On the other hand, I don't think the creator of the video did it intentionally (she was the trans protagonist in it), and it also perhaps made people think outside traditional gender roles, which is a good thing, right? At the time the video was showing, sitting amongst my librarian peers who were oblivious, I felt shame and annoyance, and was on the verge of crying. But why?

Is it some deep-buried self-loathing that goes beyond my transness? Is it a culturally and socially imprinted infection; teaching us from birth to punish and shun any and all "other-ness"? Is it a simple desire to "fit in"? My guess is it's probably a combination of all these and more, but who knows. I guess just being more aware of how I react can help me. What are your experiences and thoughts?

Yahoo News Headline Bias?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:56:00 +0000

For those of you who use Yahoo e-mail: have you ever noticed the news headlines that appear on the page after you logout of your e-mail? Have you noticed any trends in those headlines? I log in and out of my e-mail multiple times a day and so get a pretty good feel for those headlines. I certainly have no solid data to back me up, but it seems to me these headlines show a very distinct conservative bias.

For example, recently I've seen headlines touting positive poll results for McCain and Hillary (the conservatives choice for an opponent on the Dem side since they think McCain has a better chance against her in the general election), but none for Obama. In the primary battles, they seem to show a lot of positives about Hillary's wins, but very little for Obama.

Here's another subtle thing I just noticed while typing up this post: in most WYSIWYG interfaces (like Microsoft Word, the post entry box on Blogger, Yahoo e-mail text boxes, etc.) the words Hillary, McCain and Clinton are all ok according to the auto-speller (and using the manual spell-check), but Obama gets automatically underlined (with those annoying red dots) as a possible spelling error. Why is that?

Am I imagining this, or is this a powerfully subtle and serious media bias going on here? Since Yahoo e-mail is by far the most used program in the U.S., if not also around the world, just putting these headlines in front of millions of people on a daily basis, regardless of whether they click through to the stories, can have a very large impact on public opinion. Am I just turning into a crazy conspiracy theorist?

We are the bad guys and we are a military-industrial-ruled nation

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 20 May 2008 23:53:00 +0000

Do you know what Cluster bombs are? They are very insidious and indiscriminate killing machines normally dropped over huge areas of land in massive quantities from the air. A large percentage of these do not explode upon impact and can remain active for a wandering child to detonate by mistake for decades. It's victims are overwhelmingly civilians, especially children. To date it has been estimated that over 100,000 civilians have been killed or maimed by these weapons alone in the past couple decades. The United States is the primary manufacturer, seller, and user of these weapons.

As we speak, more than 100 civilized nations (not including the US, which is not participating) are negotiating to ban the use of these weapons of mass destruction amongst themselves and there is legislation pending in Congress to more tightly control their deployment. Yet at every turn, these seemingly no-brainer actions to promote peace and get rid of weapons of mass destruction are being successfully sabotaged and vigorously opposed by our own United States and the powerful military-industrial corporations that our current system of government is now ruled by...

Do you think it's ok for our government to use these weapons and even oppose their banning by other nations? You can take action to help ban these weapons here:
http://www.thenation.com/blogs/actnow/319549

Namoli Brennet / Liz Stahler Concert Review

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 18 May 2008 03:10:00 +0000

I am definitely not a good review writer, so bear with me. This Progressions Concert Series show took place tonight at 8 at the CDGLCC home base, about 2 blocks from us just off Lark St. in Albany. We arrived about 7:45 and were the first there (we are such geeks!). But anyways, only about 25 people showed up - these awesome musicians deserve bigger crowds!

Liz Stahler took the stage first and launched into an excellent set of softly plucked folk songs about bad relationships and true love. She tells good stories, both in her songs and with between-song banter in a plain-spoken, upfront manner. I bought her CD and am psyched to listen to it.

Humble folk guitar goddess Namoli Brennet played second and did not disappoint (we saw her play months ago in Troy and I bought all 3 of her most recent CDs then). Evocative, thoughtful lyrics with a powerful voice compliment her soulful, perfectly played, driving guitar structures. They always make me want to simultaneously go on a trek through some beautiful desert on a quest for inner peace, and pick up my guitar and start playing again. I so hope she breaks into the big time - she is such a talent and deserves it!