The Divine Secrets Of The Menopausal Sisterhood

2019-03-22T06:47:00.001-04:00

Are your hormones getting the best of you? Does everything piss you off lately? Then maybe you just need some meditation

Video from Youtube

Breast Cancer Awareness Month Save the Tatas Ladies

2018-10-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

October is breast cancer awareness month. My mom is a 45-year survivor. I also have friends who are survivors and those who are fighting this disease.

Self Examination is a screening method used in an attempt to detect early breast cancer. The method involves the woman herself looking at and feeling each breast for possible lumps, distortions or swelling.

This is promoted as a means of finding cancer at a more curable stage, but large randomized controlled studies found that it was not effective in preventing death, and actually caused harm through needless biopsies, surgery, and anxiety. Breast awareness is an informal alternative to structured breast self-examinations.

A pictorial example of breast self-examination in six steps. Steps 1-3 involve inspection of the breast with the arms hanging next to the body, behind the head and in the side. Step 4 is palpation of the breast. Step 5 is palpation of the nipple. Step 6 is palpation of the breast while lying down.

It is important in the peri and menopausal years that we continue with regular breast self-examinations ladies and remember to schedule yearly mammograms.
This should be done monthly, not just once a year in October.

Keep Calm pic from Pinterest
Breast Self Exam Wikipedia

This Blog Is For Entertainment Only

2018-09-28T05:09:00.000-04:00

If you are reading here for the first time I assume you are curious about this time of life or maybe you are experiencing some early menopause symptoms. It is highly unlikely that you found this blog on a site like web-MD or any of the other Internet cyberchondria sites that can be found.

It has been a while since I posted here and after deleting the hundreds of spammy type comments I figured I should jot this down here. I'm not saying that none of this is real because honey, it is all real from every hot flash to every sleepless night. When I first started posting about this time in my life I figured since I couldn't beat it, I can find the humor in it and I might as well write it down.

First, please do not assume this blog as any medical advice. My writings are entertainment. This is a place that I share my own experiences and funny adventures about this phase of life often a daily hormonal rollercoaster of ups and downs.

I am a baby boomer and like many, just like myself, our mothers are not really forthcoming with information. Many moms born in the same era as my mom (the 1940's) generally don't talk about these things. Then there are those like myself who have a mom suffering from dementia or Alzheimers and cannot relate information.

Just in case you were wondering and afraid to ask everything you feel is totally normal. It is supposed to be exactly like it is. It is menopause and women have gone through it for thousands of years. My writings are to let you know that you are not alone. Millions of women are going through this phase in their lives right now as I type this.

I do sometimes mention vitamins and supplements in postings. Keep in mind these are only what I have tried. I am not recommending that you try the same. What works for me, may not work for you or depending on any prescription medication you take may cause a serious interaction. So, please check with your doctor or at least ask a pharmacist.

© 2018 Gossip_GrL

The Mid-Day Crisis

2018-09-24T06:13:00.001-04:00

google image

I am working on a couple of topics to blog about. Until then this is a reposting of an old A-Z post from April 2012 for the letter M.

Most of us already know that no effort is needed to cause a mid-day crisis.

The midday crisis is just one of the things about this time in life that reminds of the menopausal hormone roller coaster. On this roller coaster, you don't even have to be this big to be a part of it. This post sort of goes along with, Flirting with forty-something.

This ladies, is the picture of a mid-day crisis, well mine anyway.

I have to admit that I can have one of these at least several times a day. Is it any wonder though that someone would have a midday crisis? All of the signs, the signals, and the reminders that Mother Nature throws out there on any given day.

Sometimes just a walk past a mirror can cause one. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, SHUT UP!!”

Maybe it is just the thought that this process is inevitable. It is something out of our control. Mother Nature is telling me loudly, “You know can't-fool me, fool!”

I know there is no way I could ever win an argument with her, I can’t even fool her these days. I don't try. I also have those moments that creep up of, “Dear Lord, that parking placard is not that important.”

I wonder if this is the period that the movie stars get to in life and just lose it entirely? They then go through those crazy extreme rituals that become late night infomercials, searching for the Fountain of Youth? Joan Rivers is a very good example. I saw her in a commercial and thought ‘OMG She has had so much surgery she now looks like a ventriloquist dummy.’

Ugh, I will pass on plastic keep fighting it all the way. Oil of O’Lay please do not fail me now. A part of life is screaming, “OMG just imagine the discounts you are going to get now” after receiving my AARP card on one birthday.

Covering my ears I say, “La, La, La, can't hear you. Just shut up!” Signs that reality starts to sink in.

Why does Mother Nature pick these certain times of the day to send reminders? Does she somehow get amused over the midday crisis? Mine anyway.

At night, a quiet prayer, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my shape I’ll keep!” I am often reminded of the wise words of my grandson who when aged seven said, "Awww shoot grandma, you're not old at all. I've seen 'em older." Out of the mouths of wise babes.

pic found @Google Images

©Gossip_Grl

Trying to Reconnect With This Blog Once Again

2018-09-22T14:14:00.000-04:00

Hi, I recently noticed that it has been a while since I blogged here at the Divine Secrets of the Menopausal Sisterhood. Earlier this year I feel and broke my arm. I had to have surgery and some hardware to repair it and then spent approximately 10 weeks in a cast. A few days after this in April my dad was diagnosed with cancer so, at that point, I was undecided about what I was going to do with my blog as I also write another blog, The Chronicles of Loving a Heroin Addict.

I have decided to try to maintain both of them for now. I ran my posts here through a program and cleaned up the spelling, grammar, and other errors. I also work and take care of my elderly parents which takes up a lot of my time but I need a getaway; a place to laugh again, joke and make wisecracks about this time in my life.

I hope I don't bug friends too much with emails to read a post. Thank you for your patience.

Computers and Aging

2014-09-05T07:40:00.005-04:00

A friend sent me this.

A computer was something on TV, From a science fiction show of note.

A window was something you hated to clean,
A ram, the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girl you knew,
A gig was a job for the nights

Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment, A program a TV show

A cursor used profanity, the keyboard, was a piano.

Memory was something you lost with age,
A CD a bank account

Anyone with a 3-inch floppy prayed no one would find out.

Compress was something you did in a garage, Not something you did to a file.

And if you unzipped anything in public, could put you in jail for a while.

Log On was adding wood to the fire, hard drive a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
Backup happened to the commode.

A cut was made with a pocket knife,
A paste was done with glue.

A web was what a spider made,
A virus was the flu.

So, I guess I'll stick to pad and paper, And memory in my head.

I hear no one has been killed in a computer crash, If it happens they'll wish they were dead.

~Written By Unknown~

The Menopausal Goddess and Mid Life Crisis

2014-08-26T06:01:00.003-04:00

The time comes when you just embrace
your inner goddess!

This is a repost of the 2013 April A-Z Blogging Challenge. I have chosen to talk about the Menopause Goddess and Mid Life Crisis.

I have reached that time in life and rather than sink into a bed of midlife depression, I have decided to just unleash and embrace my inner menopausal goddess.

Now of course if I had lots of money I could do it in celebrity style with lots of Botox and a permanent smile, but I like to sleep with my eyes closed, ya know!

Since I can't change the whole aging thing, I am just gonna learn to embrace the menopausal goddess inside of me. I appreciate the stars like Lisa Rinna because I can now be confident that adult diapers won't show through my clothes.

Doctors say that Kegels are as important to older women as the Heimlich and become as routine as cleaning the house or doing the dishes. Remember to keep up with those Kegel's ladies!

Most of us go from flat to round in many areas like the tummy and the butt. Everyone is different. It was around age 48 that I noticed that my dryer started shrinking all of my jeans. Since I re-injured my knee I am not really as active as I used to be. I still take walks, but exercises like aerobics and Zumba make my knee scream at me. I was told that I just needed some Yoga and Meditation.

Maybe it's just me, but it's almost like if you were wishing for a poo and all you can do is fart- ya know- one of those kinds of things!

I do wish I had paid more attention in school though because Sigmund Freud's law of gravity also applies to our breasts. I am learning that we can't defeat gravity as we watch our breasts transform from perky to sagging almost instantly, overnight. Ladies of all ages remember support is very important! My mama was born in the 1940's, back when the ladies didn't wear bras when they were pregnant for fear a bra would restrict their milk coming in. So, when I was pregnant with my first child I thought my mama knew best. Oh no! She was so wrong. I am at an age where that ghost of many Christmases past came back to haunt me. I wish someone had told me differently! Ladies... keep those bras on I say!

We ladies love jewelry. Enjoy all your fancy pieces while you can. Treasure those days because the day will come when your favorite necklace will be replaced by a life alert necklace.

Embrace your inner goddess ladies otherwise you could easily become one of the ladies packing your bags and moving to Cougartown. When that doesn't work, they go on talk shows crying to Dr. Phil while the rest of us scream at the TV who knew that wouldn't happen! I say Look in the Mirror. Which is more beautiful? Your Inner Menopause Goddess or Bat~~shit~~ Crazy?

Now we all know that men too can also go through a period in their lives that is called a midlife crisis. I'm wondering, just who the heck decided to call it a crisis?

Why is it just a menopausal thing or The Change when it is referring to us ladies and it's a crisis when it involves the guys?

The word crises sound so traumatic, doesn't it? To me, a crisis is, for instance, the house is on fire. A crisis is when a bungee cord breaks, or you've fallen and you can't get up- stuff like that. I have never heard of the police having a mid-life crisis team in place. Why are we ladies expected to set back and suck it up, but let a guy see a gray or a wrinkle and suddenly... It becomes a crisis? Since males are supposed to be the stronger species they need to.... stop being such a drama king!

©Gossip_Grl

Life In The Middle Ages

2014-08-22T07:28:00.001-04:00

This is a reposting of a 2013 post for the April A-Z Blog Challenge Life and Living in the Middle Ages. Life in the Middle Ages is kind of confusing if you ask me.

For instance, retirement is still years away and most of us feel we will never get to enjoy retirement years; yet we are old enough to know better. Don't you think it's a bit confusing?

Also Just when is a person too old to wear a Hooters T-Shirt or to get a tattoo? Do we get too old to wear Levi's Jeans for Pete's sake?

I ask because my sister went out and bought me three pairs of jeans.... with elastic waistbands and several polyester pantsuits. Really!

Well, I'm not ready to give up my Levi's yet. She got upset when I told her to take them back. Apparently and according to her "they are more fitting for folks in my age group." I love my sis, but really! Why should it really bother anyone what I wear? Is there a group of conspirators that make up the wardrobe?

Another fact of life and living in the middle ages I've noticed is that suddenly we find that our brain to mouth feature slows down or gets broken completely. Stuff comes out before I have a split second to think; which almost caused quite a stir at the local 7-11 and upset my sister over apparel.

Sometime in the middle ages, wisdom comes. It happens out of the blue almost like one day you wake up with Wisdom. I'm not sure but it could be fueled by life experiences. Suddenly there are things you notice that make no sense like the day I read a story that Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches are now being seen as racism!

Wait! Who has the time to think this ~~shit~~ crap up?

I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I also enjoy eating the following peanut butter sandwiches: p/b with jalapenos, p/b with olives, p/b with pickles and one of my most favorites... peanut butter, Nutella, mayo and banana sandwiches.

I have never heard that I was racist while eating any of my sandwiches. Now... I have been told that I am a bit f^@$'d up for eating that crap. Peanut butter is the main staple in my house. I also carry a jar in my bag because no restaurant carries it as a table condiment and I love it on a lot of other things I eat. Is that confusing to you? You better watch out, confusion is one of the signs of aging!

These middle ages is also where I spend so much of my time trying to figure out how to bring sexy back if only I could remember where I put it in the first place. Of course, my hubby is always reassuring me, but is it really enough? For some reason, I now spend too much time worrying that every little quirk is a midlife crisis.

I never thought that the one sentence to the song, "Help me make it through the night" would actually be the words in my nightly prayer.

:©Gossip_Grl :

Kicking The Bucket List

2014-08-21T07:45:00.001-04:00

No More!

This is a reposting of a 2013 April A-Z Blog Challenge post. I decided to blog about Kicking the Bucket Lists. I noticed that after the movie, The Bucket List came out in theaters everyone everywhere started doing their own bucket lists. I swear, for a while, I thought it was a requirement for A.A.R.P or something.

I don't know why. I guess because I kept reading so many lists that I just thought we all had to have one. My question is, Can this be used as a bargain should the grim reaper show up too early? Maybe I could say, "Wait I haven't finished my list yet"

A few lists of books they want to read, but almost every one I read listed, I want to travel through Europe which made me realize that I really, really need a vacation. Not a fancy one, just one that my kids cannot call me every 5 minutes asking when we are coming home. No, seriously I have had my kids call me in the middle of the night. When I answer the phone they ask, "What you doing?"
Hello... it's night time I was sleeping. I'm old now and that is what old people do at three in the morning....sleep.

Then if that isn't bad enough they will say "I'll just call you back in the morning"
Wait! What? Oh, hell no scooter you already woke me up and I have to pee now.
If it was something important or an emergency that'd be something different, but we're not talking about that, oh no! Not my kids. They then say, "I just called to see what you were up to?"
At 3 AM seriously? I doubt it. Then when I am riled up they have the nerve to get all mad at me because I am in a pissy mood. Does that make sense? It sure doesn't to me. OMG! Folks, I want a real Calgon vacation package! Getting away from my kids would be at the top of my list!

Other things I would include:

I want to go fishing without worrying that a snakehead fish will come out of the water and attack me.
I want to go camping without fear of a chupacabra attack.
I'd like to once have a regular family get together without worrying that because of their drunken redneck antics, we will all be featured on the nightly news.

Then, of course, the smaller things like...

After looking at my watch for the fifth time, I'd like to remember why I keep looking at it in the first place.
I don't care what comes after blue-ray, I'm not upgrading anymore.
I want to answer the door carrying a Gin bottle filled with Sprite
I want to walk up to someone in a fast food restaurant with a pad and pencil and ask them why they wanted fries with that
While at the checkout line talk in the third person
Set in traffic and drink blue Gatorade out of a Windex bottle
Fill a mayonnaise jar with vanilla pudding and eat it just to see peoples reaction when I do.

I am all for kicking the bucket lists and in with discovering what the answer is to Victoria's Secret.

©Gossip_Grl :

Junk In The Trunk and The Slow Metabolism

2014-08-20T06:01:00.002-04:00

Reposted from the 2013 April A-Z Blogging Challenge My topic today is about the slowing metabolism or what I like to call, Junk In The Trunk. Whether or not we like it sooner or later it happens to all of us.

One day we are fit, active and thin and then wake up to what just happened to my figure?

One crumb from our favorite dessert goes right to our derrière. In my twenties, thirties
and early forties I was physically fit. I exercised regularly and was able to eat things that weren't really good for me. Now, I can gain five pounds just by looking at my favorite cheesecake.

The only time I packed on some pounds was when I was pregnant and even then, by the time they were 3-4 months old I was back to pre-pregnant weight and well on my way to getting my figure back.

In the 80's and 90's, I had so much energy, mainly having to run after young kids but I had lots of energy. I'm talking about the get-up and go kind of energy- when you only have 3-4 hours of sleep, you get up, go to work and can still hustle through your day.

Folks, it's happened. That get up and go has got up and gone. I used to love going to the gym to work up a good sweat until I injured my knee, now I'd just rather spend happy hour taking a nap. I was told to do low impact exercises.

When they said that pizza was a vegetable, I jumped with joy! Hey Now! Just when I am enjoying this new found knowledge that pizza is a vegetable, they come out and want to take away my Big Gulps.

I wonder, what studies were done to determine that pizza was a vegetable. Hmmm... I've learned, pizza is the enemy! In all seriousness though, as we get a little older it does become a little harder to maintain that girly figure doesn't it? This one is a biggy for me! I have 10 more pounds to lose and I swear it feels as if I've been working at this forever.

©Gossip_Grl :

Inside The Menopausal Mind

2014-08-19T08:19:00.000-04:00

This is a Maxine pic

This is a repost of the post for an older April A-Z posting I did for the letter I. I have chosen Inside the Menopausal Mind as my topic today. I noticed about the same time that my AARP card arrived in the mail that many changes take place inside our minds during menopause.

Yep folks! I am an official card carrying member of the AARP and somehow I feel as if I am stuck in the middle. You see, I am too young for all the senior benefits and retirement; yet old enough to know better. It sucks.

In years past I used to shop for purses and shoes; I now shop for Gold Bond Anti Itch cream. I used to love going shopping, now just the thought of it makes me want to take a nap.
Driving is the worst. I used to not care so much how people drove on the roadway, now it's crazy. Those cars that pass on the shoulder thinking they
are getting in front of me oh no... they'll have to just smash the side of my car as I close in the gap.

The realization of all those wants and needs are replaced with the worry about wrinkles, crows feet and the gray hairs that suddenly appear as I sleep. With the slowing metabolism and the days, I feel bloated comes, honey am I fat? Am I still sexy? and Promise you'll still love me?

With each hot flash, I worry if I am just one hot flash away from break down. If that isn't bad enough just when I think it's safe to play on the playground, I worry whether the equipment will break; hoping and praying we won't be that couple struck down in our prime with low libido. Oh and speaking of hot flashes, I once caught my hubby watching the clock. I said, Honey, they aren't like contractions. You can't time them!

After waking one morning with snow at the foot of the bed because I left the window open the kids call and ask, "What does daddy need for Christmas?" That's easy "Your dad needs an insulated sleeping bag to save him from hypothermia!"

I've noticed with aging, the mouth to brain filter stops working and speaking of that, my kids will call me, "Can I get your honest opinion?" When I tell them.... honestly, they get pissed at me and won't talk to me for weeks. I don't know I just don't get it. I swear this year I am thinking that the switch between Daylight savings time and Standard Time is just a plot against aging folks. Next year I am taking the week off.

Oh and this one is important. If you are a young lady and you are saying, "not tonight honey, I have a headache" Stop doing that immediately! When you get my age you'll be wondering if that headache is a stroke!

Folks we need to get attention to this immediately with a Sally Struthers spokesperson, "For just 70 cents a day, you can save a menopausal lady from the suffering from Dry Itchy Skin, Hot Flashes, Bloating, Confusion, Forgetfulness, Crazy Dreams, Sleep Apnea, Napping, Gassiness, leaking from lack of bladder control, Sagging and wrinkly skin... must be stopped in our lifetime before another one writes a 50 Shades of Menopause trilogy."

Resources for this post:
Pic credit: Maxine

©Gossip_Grl

A Trip Down Hormone Lane

2014-08-18T09:47:00.000-04:00

Reposted from the 2013 April A-Z Blogging Challenge for the letter H and I've decided to take A Trip Down Hormone Lane. Along for the ride my new menopausal friends. Itchy Dry Skin, Hot

flashes, Bloated, Slow Metabolism, Sleepless Nights, Crazy Dreams, I Need A Nap and I can't forget Moody Patooty plus two Bitchy and Psycho.

Oh, they are all a lot of laughs to have around me, daily. It's hours of fun here at my house I tell you. I am actually thinking about claiming all of them on my taxes next year. If I am going to be supporting them and they don't have jobs I should be able to claim them right?

The trip on Hormone Lane is like a Pandora's Box as we travel to our first stop on the trip. It is The Follicle Stimulating Hormone Test. This is the test that
your doc does to determine your hormone levels. This test determines where you are at in hormone years. I got tested early, at forty-five and that is when it was determined that I was in what they refer to as Perimenopausal years. At age 48, I was full-blown menopause. Did you know that you can now purchase this little test OTC? It works just like a pregnancy test stick. Understanding the hormones will be your first test on the journey. Many of the problems associated with menopause are when our hormones are all out of kilter and out of balance.

The first hormone on the trip is Estrogen. This one is pretty important. We all have levels of estrogen and when we are younger it is much easier for us ladies to regulate them. As we age they can sometimes get confused and it can become a little harder to regulate especially after that monthly visitor disappears. Too much estrogen can result in weight gain, thyroid problems, and low libido. Too low estrogen level can cause changes in body temperature which could include hot flashes and chills, chronic joint pain that gets progressively worse, water retention which could lead to a sudden weight gain, bouts with depression and anxiety and recurrent back pain. It can also result in loss of memory, night sweats, itchy dry skin, vaginal dryness, loss of libido and fragile bones. For the ladies in your menopausal years Flax Seed, Soy Isoflavones and Yam supplements are good for helping to maintain these levels.

Next on our stop is Testosterone. Yes ladies while testosterone is a dominant male hormone, we also carry it, but in lower forms. There are occasions when we can have too much. If this level is too high it can result in unwanted facial and body hair where we ladies don't normally grow hair. Your muscle mass may change and you become muscular and your voice can deepen. Others include rapid onset weight gain, acne, and profuse sweating. An enlarged clitoris and female pattern balding are also indicators that your level of testosterone is too high. Too low testosterone levels can lead to low sexual desire, lack of fantasies, lack of sensitivity to sexual stimulation and lack of orgasms. It is also known to cause flabbiness, weak muscles, low energy, poor coordination.

Boy, doesn't that sound like a bag of wonderful to have to cope with? Uh not, I'll pass! I already have a fear of the Fairy Yak Woman that was mentioned on Day F and confused some of you. In women of menopause age, Black Cohosh is good for helping keep your levels regulated. It also helps to follow a low carbohydrate/diabetic eating plan. Adding fruit, salad, fish, poultry, and nuts to your diet can help to reduce testosterone levels. Consuming a lot of fried, sugary and oily foods can contribute to testosterone increases and weight gain as well.

The last stop on the trip is Progestogen or as it better known in menopause circles as Progesterone. I like to call this one the Feng Shui of Menopause because of the balance of both estrogen and testosterone during menopause. Doctors will often suggest treating you with HRT's and for the rest of us, they want to throw in antidepressants. Oh no, not me. I opted out of taking the HRT cocktail and laughed at the thought of taking antidepressants when all I did was ask the doc why some older women get facial hair.

My balance or Menopausal Feng Shui include My daily Vitamin, Remifemin and Daily supplements of Yam and Progestin Cream. I also included Relacore which is a dieting supplement. I take it not for dieting although if I can get some of those benefits that is great too. I take it because it does help with Reducing Stress and Mild Anxiety, midday fatigue and gives me a little energy. I am getting ~~a little more~~ a lot more diet conscience and watching what I eat. I have added complex carbs and more whole grains, more vegetables, and fruits to my diet and am watching my sodium. Now, just because this is my Feng Shui doesn't mean the same is beneficial to everyone reading this. I did a lot of reading and research for myself based on my FSH test. It has helped to have a knowledgeable homeopathic lady working in my local health food store. I'm sure there are some thinking, Really! From reading your postings I wouldn't be able to tell you are balanced! Well, folks writing about it keeps it in balance too... All of it The Good, The Bad and The Ugly!

Enjoy the days because soon you will find yourself standing at the intersection of...

Resources for this post:
pic credit: Menopause Lane Menopause 101
pic credit: Memory Lane Sent to my Facebook

©Gossip_Grl

Dr Suess Advice on Aging

2014-07-25T06:05:00.003-04:00

Dr. Seuss said it all with when he wrote this for all of us celebrating our Geritol Years...

pic credit: Shared to my Facebook

The Geritol Years

2014-07-24T07:58:00.002-04:00

Today's post is about The Geritol Years. Geritol- remember that commercial?

My parents take Geritol and for some odd reason, I always thought because I was raised on the Lawrence Welk Show in our home, that it was somehow the vitamin of choice in the golden years; a given rite of passage. That was until my doctor put me on daily Prenatal Vitamins for these menopause years. Long story short, he broke that cycle.

In these years yes a good vitamin is important. Last year I became a Geritol girl or at least was officially declared in my Geritol Years. That was when I hit the big 5-0. If taking Geritol could only erase time or at least make this all go away, I'd take the whole bottle.

On my birthday some of the gang showed up to help celebrate my pity party. You know them Itchy Dry Skin, Hot flashes, Bloated, Slow Metabolism, Sleepless Nights, Crazy Dreams, I Need A Nap and I can't forget Moody Patooty with her two personalities, Bitchy and Psycho.

Hopefully, I have a few years left before the rest get here. They are Forgetful, Droopy, Gassy, Leaky, Low Libido, Squinty Eyes, Wrinkly, and Rocky.

Won't they be loads of fun? All of us together in the same room or at least the same body. Trust and believe when I wake up right after morning prayers that it will be a good day and I will not need bail money I click my heels together and recite, "Auntie Em! There's no place like home!"

Honestly, I think when the rest of the gang gets here we will need a Mini Van to haul all of us around in. We have ourselves a full house already with those that showed up early, ya know! They are a delightful bunch though aren't they and often remind me of my kids. None have learned to play nicely together and just like the ghosts of Christmas, you never which one will show up and at what hour they will try to pluck your last nerve!

This was a posting for the 2013 A-Z Blog Challenge
©Gossip_Grl

The Midlife Crisis Checklist

2014-07-23T06:37:00.002-04:00

pic was sent to my Facebook

Fear of The Fairy Yak Mother

2014-07-21T10:01:00.001-04:00

Today's post is about my Fear of the Fairy Yak Mother. Just in case that word confuses you a little when I was first showing signs of perimenopause I read something about menopause and hormones and how women can develop hair on their face in their menopause years just like a man. Thank you, Redbook. This did nothing more than scare the crap out of me. From then on I have had a fear of being cursed by Mother Natures
evil nemesis, The Fairy Yak Mother (you know Yak? As in the bearded animal) And I haven't picked up a Redbook Magazine since.

Anyway, Of all the signs and symptoms out there for menopause, a particular one has kept me up awake at night and ready to fight many a night. She's a rather beastie one. The fear of whom else? The Fairy Yak Mother! If I close my eyes and think back to when I was afraid of the monsters under the bed, I swear I think she was one of them. I just didn't know it then.

As I grew older and those childhood fears were the least of my worry, this particular monster didn't leave. Oh no, she stayed until the day when I awoke in my menopause years and she could come out and roar her ugly head. So... I have this fear of waking up not to the sandman dropping little bits of sleepy matter in my eyes, oh no! I fear waking up one morning with a 5 o'clock shadow!

Short of calling in a priest to do an exorcism, I burn scented candles full of Frankincense and Myrrh aromatherapy hoping it distracts her from picking me. See one particular day I was standing at the mirror weeping yet again because I was only like 45 or 47 and had a few gray hairs peeking through when I spotted... OMG is that crow's feet? Damn you Oil of O'lay. When out of the blue who should appear staring at me in the mirror.... Poof...

None other than... Mother Nature. Oh God, I cried! I thought she would be just like that little fairy Godmother from Tinkerbell. Not mine. She resembles Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. She says to me, "Oh my God shut up already. You have two grays and I wouldn't call that crows feet. Shut up and stop your crying, you could be standing there needing to shave that face."

Oh, ladies, that day still haunts me and I haven't picked up another Ladies Home Journal or Redbook since reading that article on Aging.

This would also be the first of many mid-day crises and Mirror Mirror on the Wall that I have had. Now there is a reason why this would happen to us ladies, other than curses and stuff like that. Why oh why can't I just Alt-Ctrl-Del this part of life? Let me go back and make it up in summer school or something! I do have a few extra hours in the day to spare now! I have a posting coming in a few days that explains it a little more in detail, but today I needed an F word today and this fear of the Fairy Yak Mother was it!

Resources for this post:
pic credit: bluntcards.com and
MiMi From the Drew Carey Show.

This was a posting in the 2013 A-Z Blog Challenge

© 2013 Gossip_GrL

The Empty Nest Is A Quiet Nest

2014-07-20T11:37:00.001-04:00

pic credit: bluntcards.com

Today my post is about The Empty Nest. When you are finished reading I am hoping you will still want to come back to read the rest of my postings.

You see, The Empty Nest has sparked arguments and some controversy in my little circle of friends.

When my last little birdy left our nest a friend asked, "oh my what are you going to do now?"

I said, "well for starters I'm changing all the locks on the doors!" She didn't talk to me for six months! I know some women have the opposite feeling
but I am so enjoying this time. I love the quiet nest. No more fighting kids that I need to come to the rescue and threaten. Oh no, my kids are all over the age of 20 and I can tell them, "I will break your arm off and beat you with it" without fear of the child services people coming in. The word grandparent entered the vocabulary at my nest when I was 40. My youngest son was still in high school then. I told him, "Look you know this is going to be a lot different than the time you brought home a stray kitten, right?"

Folks, if I would have allowed it I would be that mother with a lazy ~~ass~~ son Jeffey with no job ~~squatting~~ living in the basement. Oh no! My empty nest just has the hubby and myself now and the Chihuahua. We never knew what a quiet evening at home was like until they left. We didn't go out much without having to pay what equaled a college tuition to pay for a babysitter. After all of these years I can now have a rainy day fund which has about $20 left in it because the cost has living has went up to match the national debt. The biggest most noticeable thing is when all the kids moved out they took I don't know and I didn't do it with them!

The kids still come back for visits and the grand kiddies visit, but when they leave, it is back to being quiet here! Now, my kids still have this thing of arguing with each other and then calling me up and trying to drag me into their sibling squabbles sprinkled with drama and when they are all here together visiting has turned into arguments and fights and when that happens something of mine normally gets broken just like the good old days. Really... I like my quiet nest!

Resources for this post:
pic credit: Blunt Cards
originally posted as a 2013 A-Z Blogging Challenge

©Gossip_Grl

Doctors, Drug Companies and The Aging

2014-07-18T06:54:00.002-04:00

pic from www.minniepauz.com

Today's topic is Docs, Drug Companies and the Aging. So, I am one of the folks who unfriended my doc on Facebook. On, no we just aren't close like that anymore. Maybe it is just me, but it feels like I somehow hit some magical age in the ozone and when I sought out a medical consult my doc no longer sees me as a live human person. He looks at me with the biggest brightest dollar signs in his eyes. I have heard caching after my name is called to go back to see the doc. Let me tell you that somewhere between the mid-forties to 50 and up should you seek a consult with your doc this will be the time when your doc will introduce you to his friends, pharma companies. Then one day you log into your email or onto Facebook and they all want to friend you. They suddenly become your next
best friend. I went to the doc because of perimenopause symptoms (already mentioned in my earlier posting) and we ended up talking about the doc and male pattern baldness. From a discussion about PreNatal Vitamins and male pattern baldness he concluded I needed to be on hormones and threw in some antidepressants for giggles and laughs. I came to the conclusion that day that
1. women have been dealing with this issue since Eve, and
2. I have eaten enough food filled with hormones and steroids over my lifetime to take care of anything ailing me
that I was choosing a more alternative direction with an all natural approach to this time in my life. Everything was going good until hormones, menopause and mother nature have a way of messing up sleep patterns and at the suggestion of my friends off I go again to see the doc for some help. I know I should have known better because I am still trying to figure out how I went to consult about this lack of sleep stuff, got a pelvic exam and from that exam it is determined that I need to be on some sort of sleep medication with free packs of Ambien. Amazing! I left confused. I mean did my pelvic exam channel into Madam Cleo or something?

To make a long story short, I immediately took the doc off my buddy list, removed him from my speed dial and am taking my chances with Melatonin. So recently as in the past two weeks hubby carries in the mail and in an envelope addressed to me is an invitation to participate in a sleep study and aging. WTH is up with that? It is pretty obvious that my doc entered my name in a crazy never tried before the study or did my uterus channel those doctors too? In that case, come on Publishers Clearing House! Oh just in case you are wondering, I threw the envelope away.

Resources for this post:
pic credit: Minniepauz

©Gossip_Grl

Cyberchondria and Menopause

2014-07-17T06:00:00.002-04:00

Today is the letter C. My word for today is cyberchondria and don't laugh when I tell you this, but this gets worse with aging. Some time around age forty five is the time that I first noticed some of the early signs which is called, peri-menopause. I started seeking out all of those sites like Web MD to enter all my symptoms in because I really didn't know it was that. I just knew something was terribly wrong, but couldn't figure it out. After clicking and entering all my
symptoms the message said that I needed to seek immediate medical attention because a diagnosis couldn't be determined on the site. Oh yay me! What a barrel of laughs I had that day with ole doc Ticklefingers. I still call that day, my forty-something nightmare. My diagnoses that day, Peri-Menopause.

I still don't know what all the medical fuss was about. Women have been going through menopause for thousands of years. It is a natural process, not a disease.

One of the earliest signs is the changes in your monthly cycle. That was the biggie and for me. It sent me into a paranoid spiral of emotions and of course, the cyberchondria didn't help. Thinking about it I guess I am just lucky enough to have survived those perimenopausal years without lasting effects.

For right now we have WebMD and thousands just like it. Cyberchondria, those delightful hours spent entering all of these wonderful signs and symptoms into WebMD. Fan them to your Facebook page to get daily updates, I did. Their latest article, What Not to Eat After Age 50 is a long list and damned near everything that I like eating. After reading it, my cyberchondria kicked into full gear and I quickly sent an email "Help! I've eaten corn in the last 24 hours what should I do?" If you suffer from Cyberchondria, that affliction and hormones do not play well together.

Resources for this post:
Reposted from the 2013 A-Z Blog Challenge
pic credit: I made it using RottenECard
©Gossip_Grl

The Biological Clock

2014-07-16T06:09:00.002-04:00

Today's post is about The Biological Clock. I have reached the age where friends say, "my biological clock is ticking" and have gotten upset when I say, Really, I don't hear anything.

I haven't even heard my own. I am about a day late and a dollar short on that. Friends tell me that my clock should be ticking as loud as Big Ben right now. Wait.... nope, nothing, no ticking.

A few made me feel that something was really wrong with me because my biological clock never
ticked or went off like fire alarms.

Nope never experienced that and I guess I am about a year or two late for it even if I wanted to hear it now.

I went to the doctor because they had me thinking something was wrong with me because my uterus bells never sounded off like an air horn. I don't know maybe I was too busy at work to hear mine. One of them recently sent a link telling me, I could go to a doctor and have it delayed. Delayed? Really? No thanks, I'm gonna pass! I guess that is an option, women want and have these days, but why would I want to do that?

Who wants to be in their sixties and seventies and worried they'll have an oopsy? Who wants to be that lady saying, "Oh crap! I hope my Medicare Part A and B will pick that up!"

Oh yeah, not me no way no how. I'm just gonna pass Go and collect that $200 now. I have figured out why I feel the way I do and I didn't need to pay thousands of dollars to a doctor to delay anything.

For the first four years that I was married, I was pregnant for 27 of those months. Before I celebrated the seventh anniversary I was up to four screaming, crying babies, toddlers, and pre-schoolers. Sometimes they screamed and cried all at the same time. At seven years and four infants and waking up at night with screaming crying babies needing fed and changed and Lord who can forget those late night baby poo's at two in the morning that filled an entire sleeper when all I wanted to do was get some sleep. I can't forget to include all those nights staying up all night with a sick or colicky baby. Oh, those years were a blast weren't they? The terrible two's lasted into the 90's. Three of my kids went through the terrible two's together and boy wasn't it a riot when I learned that the terrible two's doesn't mean they are over it at three. It can often last until they are four and I had one that drug that out. I was the only one in the house not allowed to show it if I was feeling bad or sick. The one and only time that happened, my then three-year-old drank a glass of 409.

Six years ago and twenty-seven years later the last of my birdies had flown from the nest. I was still young enough to party like it was 1999. We don't want to be one of those couples in our late sixties/early seventies raising a teenager. No way no how! These are going to be the years when we will just be starting to enjoy our hover round chairs! Delay the biological clock? Not on your life! My kids are all grown up and on their own now and I can legally lock my doors and screen my phone calls!

Resource
Delay the biological clock?
Posted to the 2013 A-Z Blog Challenge
pic credit: I made it using RottenECard
©Gossip_Grl

The Astrology of Aging

2014-07-15T05:46:00.001-04:00

Last year I participated in the April A-Z Blog Challenge on another blog. I am still in the process of moving my menopause posts from there to this blog. My theme that year was Aging... Gracefully or at least fighting it all the way which is what I did except that month. poked some fun at growing a little older. For letter A it was about The Astrology of Aging. I decided to call it that mainly due to the fact that
when I was searching Google specifically for Signs of Aging I found a little image laying it out that appeared as astrology. Is it possible? Is Aging really in the stars? Is it astrology?

There are many signs besides what doesn't hurt is falling and drooping; each of them will sneak up on you when you aren't paying attention. Other signs include that television commercial with Alex Trabec, "If you were born in 1975, I'd like to discuss this matter of death benefits with you so your family doesn't have to worry when you're gone."

Thanks, Alex!

At least let me try and solve a puzzle first.

That commercial is only one of the many reminders that each year we just get a little closer to the end- happy thoughts! Thanks to that commercial, I can't watch the game show Jeopardy anymore without thinking about it!

Another A Letter reminder you will get in your forties, well about age 49 to be exact is one day outta the blue you open your mailbox to find your A.A.R.P. enrollment in the mail. Just how the hell did they know you just hit that magical number?

Aging and Astrology- My birth sign is My hair used to be so thick and luxurious! Hallelujah, it still is and likely due to the Pre-Natal Vitamins the doc has me on.

Just like the signs and the stars change frequently, so do the signs of aging. Physically my star's are not aligning with anything in particular. Today I am somewhere between Achy Breaky Back and bad knees and since I am now on a daily regimen of Tylenol Arthritis Pain Relief and no doubt pretty close to the day they tell me, knee replacement. It could be worse though, I could be asking my doc if I am healthy enough for sex!

Aging... Folks it is in the stars! So what is your aging sign?

Resources for this post:
Image Astrology of Aging Commentsmeme. com
Rotten E Card was made by me
©Gossip_Grl

The Campaign: #StopBirthdaysNow

2014-06-18T05:58:00.002-04:00

This post is a reposting. Does anyone else get the feeling that some of the stuff we read on Facebook these days is absolutely crazy? Why does Facebook even think that crap is news?

I feel that way especially with some of the stuff that comes across my news feed lately. It is what Facebook thinks I'd be interested in reading. Right now I am interested in hitting the delete Facebook button. This thought often lasts for a day or more.

I first started Facebook to keep in touch with family who lives out of state. Then came the co-workers. Then came the friends. Then came the game requests. Then the friends of friends who play those games seeking requests and free crap. Then came the creepers peeping. It's madness I tell ya!

Then one day came the nonsense early Monday morning.

Some of the craziness I have read lately on social network feels like that moment when someone totally trashed shows up four hours late to the party. It's a buzz kill I tell ya. That is how I felt over another campaign with the pound sign. How do you even reply to things that sound so absurd?

Well, I figured it was time to start my own campaign. To stop birthdays now. Wait that should read hashtag stop birthdays now. Or something! Whatever they are doing with the pound sign thingy these days.

#STOPBIRTHDAYSNOW and #BIRTHDAYSKILLPEOPLE

With yet another birthday on the horizon not the near horizon, but close enough these are the years that the thought of another one scares the living crap outta me. Why do we have to have one each year anyway? Just the thought of having another one offends me. It is coming to the time when I cannot lie about my age anymore. It means I am getting older, closer to you know... The End. We must stop them immediately! Continuing birthdays kill people!

©Gossip_Grl

Fathers Day In The Man Cave

2014-06-15T10:55:00.001-04:00

Today's post is a repost about Father's Day in the Man Cave and about midlife crisis. When the last of the kiddies moved out of the nest the hubby quickly claimed one of the spare rooms in our house as his own. His personal space. A place he can go after work or be lazy in on the weekends. He calls this room his Man Cave and laughs like Tim Taylor the tool guy when he says it. I won't lie. I was scared in the beginning. Giving a guy a room of his own is dangerous due to fears words like a health hazard, toxic, condemned area
could become part of the vocabulary.

Last summer when his ~~room,~~ ~~private area and space~~ cave needed cleaned I told him either he clean up The Cave or the other spare room was going to be turned into The Red Room of Pain. He didn't read that book so he didn't really understand what I meant by it. You would have thought I had said Redrum or something. While we have been able to compromise on his room and the cleanliness of it I do have to say there is a plus side to it all. Giving him this room means he isn't out chasing girls our daughter's age.

I am visiting the hubby in his cave/room with pictures of deer and fishing on the walls, a beer fridge, a window, his desk, his gun cabinet, a TV and a chair for him to relax- his beer drinking chair. I know it sounds like a jail cell I know minus a few amenities and it smells a little like one too.

It isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It could use some dusting and the picking up and the organizing things with a little female touch It smells like a combination of stinky socks, gym shoes and farts so could definitely is in need of an air freshener!

Perhaps I can talk him into a little pine tree freshener like the one hanging in the truck. I guess I should be thankful. His cave isn't interrupting the other space in the house and it could have been a lot worse than I expected but I am trying to be very respectful with not disturbing his order and his request of,

Don't touch anything! I swear I know where everything is!

I think I surprised him a little by going in. I try to stay away from the room. If your guy has a personal room or space he calls his own it can bring out O.C.D. in you pretty quick even when you don't think you suffer from it.

There are worse cases of midlife than a man setting in his personal space setting in his beer chair in his underwear, scratching his butt, drinking his beer, watching TV with an occasional fart. He could be in a full-blown midlife crisis right now. The kind of crisis that the talk shows are made of right now which thank goodness he isn't.

I do look for signs of it but would I even know them? What in the world do we ladies look for anyway? Do I look for porn? OR look for Porn sites that he could be visiting on the Internet? He isn't real Internet savvy. He once asked me how to Google. He doesn't even text on his phone. He doesn't lock the door to his room so I can enter anytime he isn't home and possibly dust and straighten up and maybe hide one of those glade solid air fresheners somewhere. OR if I am worried look for those signs that the magazines tell us about.

Is a midlife crisis a guest spot on the Maury Show with DNA, Secrets or Lie Detector Tests?

Some of the things I have read about it I have concluded that...

He has never suggested getting a motorcycle or some muscle type or sporty car to ride around in. He is quite happy in our redneck pickup truck! The more mud it has on it, the better he feels.

He comes home every night and doesn't appear to be chasing younger girls which is definitely the ultimate deal breaker! We have a daughter that age so yes that would be very weird if he started doing stuff like that.

After reading an article on male midlife crisis I learned that it may be me who has the problem in the crisis area.

Like...

It was me who suggested that a couple of nights a week that he get outta those whitey tighties and into something a little more sexier but they just seem to cause him to want to pick his butt. There is nothing sexy about that. He says he'll have to get used to them so until then, we'll just work on that one.

It was me who gave him a coupon for a spa waxing. I didn't get mad when he said, 'you have lost it!' Or when he said, No way No how! There is no way in hell I will do that!

It was me who got us the memberships to the gym.

It is me who got him that male grooming kit for his birthday. Ya know to take care of the nose and ear hairs and other strays.

It is me who goes for hair coloring treatment because I am afraid if I don't just how many gray hairs that I do have.

It was me who encouraged him to make a cologne change. It was also me who sported him with a knock out scent of Curve Crush that totally drives me crazy.

It is me who has searched and Google mapped The Fountain of Youth and suggested going there to vacation.

It is me who frets over our retirement years that aren't even here yet and making wisecracks that it is possible I will have to make a late in life career change at the Bunny Ranch.

It is me who reads the obit's before any other section in the newspaper looking for old classmates.

It is me who has bouts of cyberchondria looking for imaginary symptoms on the Internet.

It is me who obsesses after running into someone I went to school with and comparing how they look today.

It is me who suggests another supplement to our daily vitamin, "look, honey, our hair won't fall out now!"

It is me who worry's about someone younger taking our jobs.

It is me who will start a conversation about our teen years when we were dating and suggesting we start visiting all of those places that were special since our little lover's lane is now an apartment complex.

It is me who freaks out each time I look in the mirror and spot yet another wrinkle in time on my face. The hundreds of thousands of dollars I have spent over the years on the next best secret promising me a miracle!

It is me who got the tattoos.

There you have it, folks! It looks like I am with the midlife crisis- not him AND I guess I should be very thankful that he isn't out searching for his old flames from his earlier days.

© 2014 Gossip_Grl

Is Kitchenheimers The First Sign?

2014-06-10T07:14:00.001-04:00

google image

This is a repost of an old April A-Z Blogging Challenge from April of 2012 posting. As we age they say that forgetfulness is a problem. For those of us in denial, forgetfulness is a sign that we are getting older.
The name I have given to a disorder that I swear is possibly the first stages to the dreaded Alzheimer’s that we hear about is Kitchenheimers. Could it be that it first starts out as kitchenheimers?

You know the symptoms of it; you walk into the kitchen and can't remember for the life of you what the hell you walked out there for. OR you go to the fridge,
open the door and then can’t remember what you even wanted. Standing there holding the door open. I just screamed at the grandkids, "close that refrigerator door!"

I seem to do this. It is not new. I have suffered for many years. Now it is just getting downright scary. I have never admitted to the doctor that I suffer at times from the dreaded kitchenheimers. He probably knows it already because he likely suffers too!

What tests would he even order to check for this disorder? Does it show up in a CAT scan or MRI? Would he read me a list of items, and then have me from memory go into the kitchen to retrieve them to see how many I can remember to bring back?

The earliest forms of kitchenheimers is called whatjamacallit and thingamajig. I can remember my mom sending me to retrieve the thingamajig on the whatjamacallit many times in childhood and oh my gosh if I were to ask what the heck was the thing I was looking for, “don’t be such a little smart ass" would be her reply.

Was she just too preoccupied with other things? Was this just a ploy to get me out of her hair? I used to think that.

Then I too became a mother and I realized that there were sometimes that I did this to my kids too but they would always ask, is there a prize if we find it? That would snap me back into reality. Oh my God I am turning into my mother.

Well folks, sadly you could be afflicted with kitchenheimers too. I am currently looking for others who are suffering from this disorder. Or possibly a support group would be great! Is there a kitchenheimers anonymous meeting somewhere in town? We need to raise awareness that kitchenheimers is real folks! It must be stopped, in my lifetime!

pic credit: @Google Images

© 2012 Gossip_GrL

Reality Barbie: An Evolution of Time

2014-06-06T07:57:00.000-04:00

Image sent to my Facebook

This favorite repost of an April A-Z post from 2011. Barbie will be fifty-five years old this year.

Wouldn't it be nice to just once find Barbie has evolved with her age? You know to find her on the shelves just as menopausal as I am every day.

To find her once perky breasts now sagging because she never wore a bra. Her lovely blond hair now gray. Her face showing a little age with crows feet at the corner of her eyes. It would be nice to find her with the slowing metabolism and just as out of shape struggling at the gym. Oh I know I would! It is about time Mattel. All
kinds of wonderful thoughts came to mind about this Reality Barbie (I know, that scares me too!)

Remember how we grew up with Barbie? I had several Barbies myself. My Ken had fuzzy hair not the plastic kind like today's Ken. My Barbie once dated GI Joe for a couple of weeks until my uncle who was just a couple of years older than me found out I had swiped him from his room and was carrying him in my Barbie case. Boy did he get mad and accused Barbie of giving his GI Joe cooties.

While I have aged, Barbie stayed the same. Damn you Barbie. Well, imagine if Barbie has decided to go in the direction of reality with Menopause Barbie?

Imagine the accessories that she would come with; several heads that show what type of mood swing she is having possibly one different head for each day! I have some suggestions for this Reality Barbie. She should come with Hormone Replacement Therapy, bifocals, a gym membership. Her lovely evening gowns replaced with moo moos in several different colors. She will have to trade that pretty pink corvette in for a hover round scooter. Over time they will add several to the Reality Barbie Collection like Mood swing, Hot flash, bitchy and bloaty Barbie. It would be hard to choose which of these lovely ladies to put into my collection.

Resources
Image was sent to my Facebook
© 2011 Gossip_GrL