The Divorce Coach's Corner

Speech Given November 12, 2016 for Son's Bar Mitzvah

2016-11-13T08:48:00.000-08:00

Well, I think I’ll just go ahead and start this speech

BY CRYING…RIGHT NOW….okay?

When I was a girl thinking about how my life would be, I never envisioned my life as the mother of a boy.

In fact, I was convinced that when I grew up I would be the mother to not ONE, not TWO, but THREE girls.

All with long hair,

all ballerinas,

all sharing clothes and shoes and makeup.

I didn’t think I had what it takes to be the mother a boy, let alone a boy who loves sports.

After all, I am horrible at sports.

I’m afraid of the ball,

I’m a terrible runner, always picked last for any team,

and, yes, I did “throw like a girl.”

So, when Lucas came along, I was completely unprepared for the overwhelming love I would have for this Little Man.

I didn’t realize the passion I would feel for this child once he was placed in my arms.

My Little Baba-Lu,

My Little Schmoopie,

My Most Special and Favorite Baby Boy.

And actually, not only does it turn out I am “Awesome-Mom” or as Lucas calls me “Mom Wonder.” Lucas has turned out to be my partner in crime—in television— in movie watching. We have heart felt talks. We read the same books. We listen to the radio and compete to answer first on “Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me.”

We have so much in common…

although maybe still not sports.

In fact, Lucas has actually banned me from coming to any of his games because he says I’m a jinx. And, hey, it’s true, the minute I show up, the team starts losing, and the minute Lucas makes me leave, the team really does start winning. So as much as I would love to watch my son play ball, I do leave (or stay home), cuz I’m NOT TAKING THE BLAME.

However, since I became Lucas’s mom, I have learned to care just a little bit about baseball, and of course the Baltimore Orioles.

Because when you love someone, you care because they care and when they are happy, you are happy.

Yes, Lucas won my heart the day he was born. Actually he’s won the heart of many with his quick wit, easy conversational style, and genuine interest in other people.

He is an exceptional boy and will be an exceptional man: Highly intelligent, kind, driven, loving, hard-working, hilarious, dedicated, and fun.

I couldn’t possibly love him—or love being his mom—any more than I do.

Lucas, I wish you a life of happiness, adventure, strength, and most of all, love.

Please be sure to follow the example of your father, who is the best man I know. I adore watching the two of you together and seeing your special bond.

Follow Daddy’s example on how to be a good man, but also I know you will

BLAZE YOUR OWN TRAIL.

Always be authentically who YOU are,

not who you think we want you to be.

As for your sister, remember to always treat her well and to love and support each other. You are the best of friends—AT TIMES.

And that makes your momma so happy because as you both go out in the world and make your mark, you will always be stronger when you stick together.

And please—IN MAYBE 20 YEARS—marry someone who makes you laugh, someone smart and fun like you. Someone you can build a life with. Because some day when I am old—okay, older than I am NOW—I know you will have beautiful children of your own, and that you will be an amazing husband, father, and community leader.

Remember what Mother Teresa said:

WE CAN DO NO GREAT THINGS,

ONLY SMALL THINGS WITH GREAT LOVE.

Never forget, even in your darkest times, that you are both very loved and the personification of love.

I can’t wait to see what you will make of your life.

I’d tell you to go out and make your momma proud but I don’t have to

Because you already do.

Big Brother is Mentoring: How Lawyer Participation in Restorative Justice and Mentoring Programs Can Make Brevard a Stronger, Safer, & Healthier Community.

2016-04-30T06:37:00.001-07:00

Here is a call out to my fellow attorneys to help bring more peace, respect, and kindness to Brevard County, while simultaneously helping to decrease the crime rate in three ways:

1. Bringing back Restorative Justice.

2. Joining the Be Kind Brevard Movement.

3. Becoming a mentor to disadvantaged or at risk youth in our community.

After a downward decline in the 80s and 90s, there is a disturbing trend in the United States of increasing suicide rates across the board. What is most disturbing to me as a mother of a 14-year-old girl is that the greatest increase in the suicide rate was seen in girls 10 to 14 years of age. From 1999-2014, adolescent girls experienced the largest percent increase in suicides, tripling over 15 years from 0.5 to 1.7 per 100,000 people. I’m sure there are various reasons for this increase, from the breakdown of courtesy and civility in society to the proliferation of cyber-bullying.

But I ask you this: Who will stop the bullying?

And I answer you this: All of us will. We have to.

I don’t expect this to be a hard sell. Actually, I’m sure a lot of you got into law because you wanted to stand up for the picked on and the bullied. I know you wanted to empower yourselves and others to do what is right and to see more justice prevail in the world. The solution is complicated. We have tried Zero Tolerance. It hasn’t really worked. We have tried locking away every offender. It hasn’t really worked. These approaches are not addressing the root of the problem.

It is time to bring awareness to more people in Brevard about (a) Restorative Justice, (b) the Be Kind Brevard Movement, and (c) the benefits of becoming a Mentor through one of several local programs.

The other day, Doug Beam approached me outside the Melbourne Courthouse talking about how Restorative Justice (RJ) would be helpful in a case he was working on. RJ is more than mediation. RJ is a process of creating communication between victims and offenders to come up with non-punitive solutions that are more satisfying and healing to the victim and that make it less likely for an offender to reoffend. RJ can be used in schools, workplaces, courtrooms, neighborhoods, and families. The use of RJ has been found to decrease the number of bullying incidents among school children, to manage the fallout and promote healing among those that have been harmed, and to address the root cause of the acting out of the perpetrator.

Although I had read about RJ, I hadn’t studied it, let alone been certified in it. So I immediately sought out a class. I only found one. It is at the River Phoenix Center for Peacebuilding in Gainesville, Florida. Yes, THAT River Phoenix. The Center was established by the deceased actor’s mother, Heart Phoenix.

I’ve signed up for a class at the Center, May 11^th and 12^th. We will meet at the University of Florida Law School to learn RJ techniques. It is my intention to become a Restorative Justice Practitioner and to recruit some of you to join me, perhaps even put together a Restorative Justice CLE. Let’s see what I can learn about it first.

I understand from one of my colleagues on the Be Kind Brevard, Inc. Board that some professionals from our Brevard County Schools will be joining me at this training, which makes me feel very hopeful. Learn more at http://www.centerforpeacebuilding.org/#!restorative-justice/co4dp

That Brings us to Be Kind Brevard, which is an incipient 501(c)(3) that partners with other groups in our community to try to make Brevard a kinder, safer place. Be Kind Brevard is a movement led by volunteer advocates to increase kindness and reduce all forms of bullying anytime, anywhere by anyone. We help provide trainings in schools, workplaces, and other forums and well as provide support and counseling for those who have experienced bullying. Please learn more at http://BeKindBrevard.com. Also see http://Taylor4Teens.org and http://StopBullying.gov.

Lastly, I have seen some literature, and intuitively it makes sense to me, that by creating opportunities for more mentoring relationships with responsible, caring adults who serve as positive role models and resources in the lives of underprivileged or at risk, or really any children, can make a huge difference in their self esteem, success, and future. First obviously we start with our own children. We must teach our children well. It is up to us parents to raise respectful, loving young people and to drum into our children's heads from an early age the importance of empathy, compassion, kindness, respect, courtesy, and civility. We must model courteous behavior. We must live it. We must teach our children to stand up for others and not stand by and let anyone be picked on or bullied. Now more than ever we need to be vigilant about how we treat one another. We must be the change we wish to see and, more importantly, teach our children to be the change we wish to see in the world. Then we should take it a step further and participate in programs that help kids in families that are not as blessed as our own. Mentors are needed for our youth in the following programs. You can be a hero in your community by signing up for one of the following. Trust me, you will love it.

Big Brothers Big Sisters in Brevard: Big Brothers Big Sisters of Central Florida's mission is to provide children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally-supported relationships that change their lives for the better, forever.

By mentoring your "Little" for just 4 hours a month, you could positively impact their ambitions, perspective, and life. With Big Brothers Big Sisters, mentoring is flexible, rewarding, and FUN. For you it's a few hours exploring, crafting, or playing catch, for them it's a game changer. Call (407) 478-2996 or sign up online at bbbscfl.org/volunteer.

Take Stock in Children: Take Stock in Children is a Statewide Program that is manifested in Brevard County through the Brevard Schools Foundation. Take Stock is in need of mentors who will provide that one-on-one support to a deserving student who wants to succeed in school and achieve the dream of a college education. You can change a child’s life over lunch. Contact Del Jordan at Jordan.Delbressa@Brevardschools.org or 321-633-1000,x415. Visit online for an application at http://brevardschoolsfoundation.org/get-involved/mentoring

Brevard Family Partnership Youth Thrive Initiative: Mentors are needed for teens and young adults who have experience in the foster care system and have aged out. Contact Ashley Carraro at Brevard Family Partnership if you would like to be an inspiration and resource to a young adult seeking to be a productive and engaged member of society. Contact Ashley at 321-752-4650, x3022 or Ashley.Carraro@brevardfp.org

Got questions? Contact me at Brooke@PeacefulBeachMediation.com or 321-626-2858

Together we can make Brevard a kinder, more peaceful, safer, and more successful community.

You Make More of a Difference Than You Realize

2016-02-02T15:35:00.004-08:00

Lately, I’ve noticed changes more than I used to. It seems more and more that the ordinary people I come into contact with during my mundane existence are moving on, either into retirement or into the next life. These aren’t famous or newsworthy people, but they are people that mattered to me.

Take for example my dentist, Dr. Gloria Flathman. Dr. Flathman was first my parents’ dentist and then she became my dentist once I had a full set of teeth. From the time I was three-and-a-half years old, I came to see her twice a year. Dr. Flathman watched me grow up. It didn’t occur to me at the time how remarkable it was for a woman to become a dentist in her day. I just knew that she was there as I grew from a child into a teenager, from a teenager to a college student, from a college student to a young woman, then married, then with children of my own. In the file she kept on me for over 40 years--along with my x-rays and other dental records--she had envelopes marking the milestones of my life: My graduation announcements, my wedding invitation, the announcements of the births of each of my children. She was a professional woman who raised her family while running a business. One of her sons, also a dentist, still practices in the office they shared. It has been over a year since Dr. Flathman passed away. Today I went to the office for my regular twice a year cleaning and realized how much I miss her. Dr. Flathman’s existence and our relationship mattered to me.

Another example is Linda. With a hungry, never satisfied, “why-didn’t-you-remember-to-get-us-that-one-other-item” family to feed, I find myself headed to the grocery store almost every day. Although there is a Publix on my route everywhere I travel in Brevard, there are a couple of stores I frequent more often than others. One is the Publix on Babcock Street in Melbourne where in one lane Linda always takes an interest in what I’m making for dinner and what I have done with my hair and what my children are up to. I look forward to going through her line and catching up on what she did for a particular holiday or to tell her about my crock-pot-pizza idea. Yesterday I was shopping at the Babcock Publix and was looking for Linda’s check out lane. Not seeing her, I asked a store manager if she was working that day and learned that Linda had just retired after 30 years on the job. Although I am happy for Linda, I am sorry for me.

Linda made a difference in my life by treating me like a human being and making me feel like I mattered while I did the most basic task of grocery shopping. Every time I checked out with Linda, I left with a smile and a warm feeling of having had a kind interaction with someone who--although may have just been doing her job--made a difference in my life.

The point is that these ordinary run-of-the-mill interactions, no matter how “just-going-along-through-your-day” they are, make an impact. You don’t have to be famous or important in order to make a difference. You don’t have to do anything big, showy, or special. You just have to live your life and do your work as if the people you come in contact with matter.

I hope Dr. Flathman knew that she was a quiet role model and source of inspiration for me as she took care of both me and my teeth and served as a constant in my life.

And Linda, if you are reading this, the pizza in the crockpot idea really did work and I think I’ll keep my hair red for a while longer. I hope you are enjoying your retirement. I miss you.

Dr. Flathman and Linda both touched my life by being there and being kind. I think that may be the most important lesson for all of us to remember.

Who’s life are you touching just by going through your regular duties today? You may be making more of a difference than you realize.

A Message From 1987: Live Every Year to the Fullest

2015-12-22T08:15:00.002-08:00

Going through some old scrapbooks I found a type-written speech I gave to the Melbourne High School Class of 1987. A nice reminder from 17 year-old-me to 40-something me.

MELBOURNE HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION ADDRESS 1987

Good afternoon. My name is Brooke Deratany and this year it has been my pleasure to serve as President of the Student Body.

After 13 years of schooling, we have finally arrived at the day when it all starts paying off. Today is perhaps our greatest day yet. It is one filled with pride, relief, and eager anticipation. Friends, whether or not the reality has struck yet, today is the day we stand a little taller and take a great step forward, as we actually graduate from Melbourne High School.

Many of us became acquainted in kindergarten as we began our journey through the Brevard County School System. Still more of us met at one point or another as we proceeded in our quest for the better understanding and brighter future that only an education can provide. It does not matter in which state or country you began your journey. What is more important is the fact that today we are all here together to share in the glory of reaching our destination.

In my opinion, the greatest characteristic of humankind is individuality. Every person in this room has characteristics, attitudes, and feelings unique to him or herself. Even so, I know there is one feeling that all of us share today, whether we are a graduating senior, parent, teacher, or administrator. We all share that feeling of pride. And why shouldn't we? Getting to this point took a group effort, and everyone here must have done something right, or we would not be assembled here today. Allow yourselves to feel that pride and smile, because you certainly deserve it.

I know I speak for every Senior here when I say, "Thank you." Thank you to the loving parents, family members, and friends; to the superior educators, wise administrators, and overworked counselors. Growing up can be pretty scary, but with all of you there to guide us and support us, the Melbourne High School Class of 1987 can say, "I made it! I'm here. I'm ready to take charge of the rest of my life, and be the best I can be!" Yes, you have made this day possible.

And fellow Seniors, we can make a difference in this world. Think about it, we are the future. That's a pretty big responsibility, but I know we can do it and whatever your goals may be, whatever your dreams entail, reach for the stars. And as you climb and stretch and reach, never forget one thing -- be happy. Because when it comes right down to it, happiness is the most important thing in this world. You know, there are so many wonderful things on this earth, especially when you live in a free country. It baffles the mind to ponder the innumerable opportunities to obtain success and happiness. Do you realize that you could go on learning for the rest of your life and still never know everything? Do not let the high school diploma you are about to receive be an end of that learning. Instead, let it be a beginning, a foundation on which to build your future happiness.

It has been said that the teenage years are the best years of one's life. Granted, these years have been pretty great. But don't for even a moment think that the greatness is over. You see, far too many people waste their lives wishing they were another age, or living at another time. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with remembering the good old times or looking forward to what the future will bring, in fact, I encourage these pleasant thoughts. What I am saying is you should keep in mind that every year has its greatness, and if you spend your whole life wishing you were older or younger, you'll miss out on the fun of being the age you are. I challenge you to live every year of your lives to its fullest; to savor the beauty of each moment, and appreciate its uniqueness and fine qualities. If you do this, my friends, you will have found the key to that happiness I know you all seek.

I want to thank all of you for sharing these past years with me. They hold memories I know we will all treasure for the rest of our lives. We've had some good times and made some great friends. We have not only learned historical facts, trig functions, and the proper use of the comma, but also about relationships and life in general. Now, it's time to move on; time to make use of this vast knowledge, time to smile because the world awaits us. I want to wish each and every one of you the best of luck throughout your life. It's only just begun, you know, and it can only be as great as you choose to make it.

FELLOW CLASSMATES, WE'RE OUTTA HERE!!

Help for Seniors Parenting Again

2015-09-30T13:20:00.001-07:00

Are you a senior responsible for raising grandchildren or other relative children? You are not alone.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (“AAMFT”), in the last 30 years, there has been a significant increase in the number of custodial grandparents. The AAMFT estimates that there are approximately 2.4 million grandparents raising 4.5 million children due to such circumstances as the mental or physical illness, death, incarceration, or drug addiction of the parents. See

http://www.aamft.org/imis15/AAMFT/Content/Consumer_Updates/Grandparents_Raising_Grandchildren.aspx

Worried about making ends meet on a fixed income, their own health issues and the high cost of medical care, it makes sense that many seniors find themselves feeling angry, resentful or overwhelmed with having to deal with the emotional issues and behavioral challenges that raising grandchildren can present. But there are significant resources and support available for seniors who find themselves again in the role of caregiver, especially here in Brevard County.

In 1995, Mary Ann Sterling started Grandparents Raising Grandchildren of Brevard, Inc. (“GRG”), a non-profit relative care agency in Rockledge, Florida, after the untimely death of her own daughter left her raising her six-year-old grandson. Ms. Sterling realized she and others in her situation needed help. She created GRG to help families impacted when a person in their family becomes unable or unwilling to care for offspring. GRG provides support and advocates for grandparents and other relative caregivers and their families. According to Ms. Sterling, there are currently over 8,500 children living in relative care families in Brevard County, which she points out is enough to fill ten Brevard County public schools. GRG has on staff lawyers to help families with these issues and facilitates several grandparent support groups throughout Brevard. Learn more at by calling Tel: (321) 631-7776 or by visiting http://www.grandparentsraisinggrandchildren.org.

Statewide, Grandparents and others can call the University of South Florida School of Social Work Kinship Support Center “Warmline” at 1-800-640-6444 or visit http://www.cas.usf.edu/~krisman/ for more assistance. They might also find helpful The Kinship Care Legal Handbook: a Guide for Relative Caregivers found online at http://www.communitypartnershipforchildren.org/zupload/user/kinshipcarelegalhandbook1.pdf.

In addition my work as a divorce, family, and elder mediator at Peaceful Beach Mediation, I volunteer my time with various local organizations dedicated to the strengthening of families in our community. If I can ever be of service to or a resource for you, please do not hesitate to contact me at (321) 626-2858 or brooke@peacefulbeachmediation.com

Mediation Helps Seniors and their Adult Children Resolve Differences

2015-08-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

The Smith family just can’t agree. Dad (86) likes to spend his day in the poker room at the track. His son, John, is concerned both about how Dad spends his time and Dad’s ability to drive there safely. John thinks Dad should live in an assisted living facility. But there’s no way Dad’s going to an “old folks home.” Whose life is it anyway? However, Dad wouldn’t mind having his daughter, Mary, care for him at home. After all, she has always been his favorite and she knows just how he likes things done.

But Mary works full time and has three active kids at home. Mary tried to call a home care agency, but Dad doesn’t want “strangers” coming into his house.

John and Mary’s sister, Kathy, insists that she should live with Dad and is hurt that Dad didn’t ask her first. John and Mary don’t agree with Kathy’s lifestyle and are suspicious of her motives for wanting to move in with Dad. The arguments among the family members are getting pretty heated. This family needs help moving forward.

Bring in the Elder Mediator.

Elder mediation is conducted to help seniors and their adult children resolve conflicts regarding a wide variety of issues such as living arrangements, care-giver issues, long term care, financial, economic, medical, and end-of-life decisions. A mediator can sit down with Dad, John, Mary, and Kathy and help them find a mutually acceptable plan for Dad’s future.

Elder mediation—like other kinds of mediation—is a voluntary, informal, and confidential process. The mediator helps family members communicate respectfully and effectively and empowers them to keep family decision making in the family, preserving and possibly improving the family relationship, and helping Dad maintain his dignity.

Could a mediator help bring peace to your family?

Brooke Goldfarb, Harvard JD, is a divorce, family, and elder mediator at Peaceful Beach Mediation in Indialantic. She can be reached at 321.626.2858 and brooke@peacefulbeachmediation.com

Senior Spotlight: Helping Your Adult Children Through Divorce

2015-08-15T07:27:00.005-07:00

When we personally go through trauma, it can be difficult for us. When our children or grandchildren go through something traumatic, it can be even worse.

On the Social Adjustment Rating Scale developed by Dr. Thomas Holmes and Dr. Richard Rahe of the University of Washington School of Medicine, divorce is one of the highest-ranking stressful life events, second only to the death of a spouse. Unfortunately, divorce is something that over half of married people go through at some point in their life.

As a family mediator, I have guided countless couples through the divorce process. I try to keep them focused on the positive and the future. If there are children involved, I try to help them remember to put the best interests of the children first.

Here is what you can do to help your children and grandchildren through this stressful life transition:

1. Let your adult child and his or her spouse both know that you are there for them. Chances are your daughter-in-law or son-in-law developed a special bond with you during their marriage to your child. Especially if he or she was married to your son or daughter a long time, you are probably like a second mother or father to them. In addition to the loss of their marriage, they may very likely be grieving the loss of their relationship with you. Remember that they are the father or mother of your grandchildren and try to maintain the relationship as best as possible.

2. Although grandparents may not officially have rights in the state of Florida, grandparents do play a very important role in the lives of grandchildren. Reassure your grandchildren that you and their parents love them very much and will always be there for them even if the living situation has changed. Continue to reach out to your grandchildren any way you can regardless of their parents’ marital status or living situation. It only takes one loving, responsible adult to making a lasting positive impact on a child going through trauma.

3. Be careful not to speak ill of your former daughter or son-in-law especially in front of the grandchildren. Children identify with their parents so when you insult a parent in front of a child, you insult the child.

4. Remember that most people most of the time are doing the best they can even though it may seem they are not. Try to not judge them.

5. Hang in there and don’t be afraid to talk to a trusted friend, counselor or pastor about your own feelings about your child’s divorce. It is a loss for you as well. It’s okay to get the support you need. Encourage your children to do the same.

6. Unless you suspect domestic violence, severe mental illness, or criminal intent, recommend that your children consider mediation. If a couple is able to go through the divorce process with a mediator, they can save themselves from much financial and psychological damage. Indeed, handling a divorce through the help of a caring, compassionate, and knowledgeable mediator can significantly decrease the stressful impact of this traumatic life event for the couple. Learn more at http://www.peacefulbeachmediation.com/divorce-mediation.html

Ode to My Daughter on her Bat Mitzvah

2014-07-11T07:47:00.002-07:00

What can I tell you about my daughter, Marie-Claire Isabella Goldfarb?
I can tell you about her brilliance, her beauty, and her talent.
But what I most want to tell you about is her loving and generous heart.

Macie is the kind of girl who insists on finding out about your day before telling you about hers.
She is the kind of girl who goes out of her way to communicate with people so they don't get their feelings hurt or feel left out.
She is the kind of girl who speaks sweetly to little children,
who rush up to and ask her for hugs and attention.

They all know her name.

Macie has always had a mind of her own since before she was even born.
Macie was scheduled to arrive in this world via C-section on a Tuesday.
But, Macie, in a move that would prove to be true to her form,
decided she would rather make her debut on Monday instead.

It has pretty much been that way ever since.

Now I knew in my heart before Macie was even born,
the way that a mother just knows,
that Macie would be a beautiful and highly intelligent little ballerina girl.
My husband of course was convinced we were having a boy.

That's why they call it "MOTHER'S intuition."

We couldn't confirm Macie's gender before she was born, of course,
Because again Macie decided not to cooperate during sonograms.
She would sit in such a way that we could never verify what or who she would be.
She was going to come into this world in her own time and in her own way.
Upon being born, the doctor placed Macie in my arms.

My very first words to her were, "So when are we going to start ballet lessons?"

I actually would have accepted it completely
if Macie had decided to be a soccer or softball player or gymnast
instead of a dancer.
However, Macie was dancing as soon as she was moving
and had perfect rhythm from the start.
It's not like I made her be a dancer.

I think we have already established that Macie does everything on her own terms.

What I also love about my daughter is her dedication and determination.
Macie is determined to do an excellent job in all of her endeavors.
She works very hard at whatever she sets her mind to.

Macie has consistently been a straight A student
even though she claims she doesn't like school.

She doesn't have to be told to do her homework.
She just does it.

She didn't have to be told to practice for her bat mitzvah.
She just did it.

She DOES have to be told to help with the laundry, however.
Although sometimes she WILL surprise me.

Everybody loves Macie.

She goes out of her way to be nice to people and reach out to those around her.
Younger children gather around her.
Older teens enjoy her company.
Her friends' parents like having her around because she is so polite
and because she will carry on a conversation with them
as if THEY were people TOO.

Macie is very sensitive and empathic.
She has a natural way with animals as well as people.
A few summers ago we went to a horse ranch in Wyoming.
Macie was by far the best one of us at controlling her horse.
There was even a contest in who could get the most cattle in the pen.
Macie, of course, got all of the cattle penned in no time.

We also call Macie "The Dog Whisperer"
because she is the one who can get the dogs to do anything.
Dogs won't walk? Macie will get them moving.
Dogs won't eat? Macie will coax them into eating the whole bowl of kibble.

Macie claims she does NOT want to be a lawyer when she grows up.
Yet Macie makes the most well thought out and articulated arguments
as to why she should get one special privilege or another.
Sometimes I grant her request just because she has made such a wonderfully coherent
and well-reasoned argument that I can't bring myself to deny her.

I am not sure what Macie will do with her life,
but I am pretty certain it will be something amazing.
What I want most for her is to live life authentically
and on her own terms.

I don't think we have anything to worry about.

Growing Up Running for Office

2012-08-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

Deratany family lore actually has it that I was a painfully shy and quiet child until, at the age of 8, I started having to campaign door-to-door for my father as he ran for a seat in the Florida Legislature in 1978. Then again, you could argue that I had already been working on political campaigns since before I was born.

In 1969, my father owned a barbershop in the center of the Town of Indialantic, where he pretty much held court among all the gentlemen in the area, who would come in and linger to gossip and talk politics. I know this not only because my father tells me it is true, but because even now any time I meet a man over the age of 35 from the Melbourne area, he will inevitably mention how he used to get his hair cut by my dad or one of my uncles in the old barbershop and how it used to be a real guy hangout.

At 29 years of age, my father would pontificate with a comb in one hand and a pair of hair scissors in the other about what needed to be fixed in the Town and what should be done to make things right. It wasn’t long before some of his clients egged him on to run for Town Council so that he could put his money where his mouth was. My mother, 25 years old, pregnant with me and caring for a precocious three-year-old boy (my brother, Todd), hustled to campaign for my father. On the day that I was born in early October of 1969, my mother rushed around delivering campaign materials while chalking up her contractions to Braxton Hicks. Turns out, she was to deliver more than campaign materials that day. One month later, my father held me in his arms as he gave his first victory speech. Over the next eight years my father would serve the Town of Indialantic first as a councilman and by the time I entered kindergarten, Mayor (and then a few years later my Mother would be the Mayor, and then several years after that my brother, and now as I write this my husband is Deputy Mayor, but I’m getting ahead of myself).

In 1978 my father would run for the Florida legislature, where he would serve for over a dozen years until I was in my senior year of college, first as State Representative and later as Senator. So from birth until my senior year of college my father held or was running for some sort of elected office.

Now, there is no time or opportunity for the daughter of a politician to be quiet and shy. There is no luxury of staying behind the scenes playing alone in your room with your dollhouse and Barbies. Having a family member running for office calls for all hands on deck, and I would not be spared. Although I didn’t feel particularly cute at the time, I am now an adult and realize that all eight-year-olds are precious and probably one of any candidate’s better selling points. So, when I was just my own son’s age now, I remember waving with my family on strategic street corners during morning and evening rush hour traffic. I would smile, wave and hold up a big red and white sign that read, “Vote for My Daddy.” They also had me walking door to door with them and other volunteers in the early evenings and on weekends, knocking, then taking three steps back from the door, handing out a brochure and giving my pitch,

“My daddy is Tim Deratany and he’s running for State Representative District 42. I hope we can count on your vote!”

I might have been shy when I started, but after knocking on literally hundreds of doors over weeks and months, and successfully getting people to take my brochure, I eventually overcame my shyness. I learned to look people in the eye and shake hands. I learned that other people were just as shy as I was and that I could make myself feel less shy by letting people know that I was happy to see them. I learned that I should always conduct myself as if I were being watched because I was a reflection of my family. Even today, I feel perfectly comfortable walking up to total strangers and introducing myself, at least if I’m on some sort of mission like promoting an event or working as part of a hosting committee. However, if I’m just at a party to be at a party where I don’t know people and am just a random guest, then I’m just as shy and awkward as the next person. But give me a piece of literature to pass out or a job to do, and it’s just like second nature. Like riding a bicycle. I’m Brooke Deratany Goldfarb and I’m pleased to meet you!

People sometimes ask me when am I going to run for public office. Although I’ve been elected to the leadership of various organizations over the years starting with Melbourne High School Student Body President, I haven’t yet tried for true political office. Not that I wouldn’t, just that I haven’t.

Yet.

You see, the one thing I’ve learned having both parents in politics (after my father, my mother was on the Indialantic Town Council, then the Mayor of Indialantic, then a Brevard County Commissioner), is that politics is not pretty. It takes thick skin and being prepared to have half the people hate you at any time, no matter how nice you are or how hard you try to do a good job and get things accomplished. It means always being a target for angry citizens (and opposing sides) and having ongoing dinner conversations on things like zoning and taxes and other issues of the day. It means always having to worry about saying what you mean exactly the way you mean to say it so that it is not taken out of context and used against you. It means living your life in such a way as to avoid even the slightest appearance of impropriety.

Endearing retired people at political functions used to ask my little school-aged pig-tailed self what I wanted to be when I grew up. They really seemed to get a kick out of it when I said things like “Supreme Court Justice” or “Governor of Florida.” I always thought I was supposed to run for office when I grew up; that people expected it of me. Except that I don’t always care for the polarizing effect of the two-party system, even though it is the system we have and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. I can’t help but see the other side or that the world is more complicated than divisions of black and white or Red and Blue. The issues have nuances and intricacies. I really want to understand why each person feels the way that they do. I really want to try to make sense of it. Is anyone really ever completely right? Is anyone really ever completely wrong? There are so many ways of viewing a situation. I first want to listen carefully to all of the offered arguments and then make up my mind.

There is one non-partisan election I would like to pursue: I really would like to be a judge. A judge is supposed to be independent minded. A judge is supposed to remain above and beyond politics. The judge’s robe and iconic blind over the eyes of Lady Justice are meant to symbolize the closing off of the judge from bias, prejudice and political influence. I know it doesn’t always seem that way to people, but that is the way it is meant to be. Judges are supposed to make decisions based solely on the unique facts of the case before them and the applicable law. They are supposed to do so with honor, dignity, wisdom, and respect for all. A judge should maintain order in the courtroom while promoting an atmosphere in which professionalism, courtesy and civility prevail for all those who come before the bench. A judge should be compassionate, have life experience and be able to see the big picture. She should do her best to make visitors to her courtroom feel comfortable and safe; that rules will be followed; and that people will be dealt with appropriately. She is uniquely placed to require professionalism and respect for humanity.

When people go to court, they are naturally nervous, angry, upset or afraid. Much usually hangs in the balance. Cases are almost always complicated and must be resolved as, well, judiciously, as possible. Individuals are rarely all good or all bad or all wrong or all right, but the one thing they all have in common is that they want to be treated fairly. One man’s frivolous case is another man’s dying cause, but what are the facts of the case and what law applies? These are the questions. To me the only true constant (because lawyers and litigants rarely agree on the facts or the law) is that all people before the court—regardless of why they are there or what they have done—are human beings. And as human beings they are worthy of respect. Sometimes a person may think another not so worthy, and although it makes sense that they might feel that way, it remains that all human beings are indeed worthy, regardless of what mess they may have made of things or how badly they have acted. And let's not forget that we can respect all people and still hold them accountable for their actions, by preserving due process and following legal procedure.

It’s what we would want if it were you and I.

So I hope to become a judge because I want to be that calming courtroom presence. I want to be able to command professionalism and dignity, courtesy and civility. I want people to feel like they have been heard and respected, even if the ruling doesn’t end up going their way. As a lawyer and as a litigant, I’ve seen it from all angles. I’ve felt what it’s like to perform for the judge and jury on behalf of my client. I know the anxiety of the witness on the stand. I’ve seen lawyers be rude and insulting. I’ve seen lawyers conduct themselves with professionalism and respect. I’ve also examined the courtroom from the point of view of the mediator, the arbitrator, the law professor, the mentor of aspiring law students and younger lawyers. I know how challenging it can be to ask the difficult questions and to feel the need to zealously represent your client. I think a good judge should also mentor young attorneys and build them up and encourage them to be the most professional and ethical they can be. Believe it or not, my friends, lawyers are people too. Even they are worthy of human kindness and respect. Despite what you might see in the movies or on television, most lawyers are just trying to do a good job for their client. Certain judges sometimes forget how hard it is to be in the trenches, to be required to be in front of three judges in three different courtrooms at the same time.

In the end, it’s all about balance. After all, I think that's what the scales are for.

Why Be A Lawyer?

2012-06-05T12:57:00.003-07:00

When I was eleven years old I decided to be a lawyer. Although my parents were in favor of encouraging their daughter to pursue a profession they could point to with pride, there were many naysayers out there, especially among established lawyers.

“Don’t do it! Don’t go to law school!” they would exclaim. “There are already too many lawyers in the world. Besides, we're all unhappy!"

Then there are all the people out there who openly hate lawyers; all the lawyer jokes and the pejorative names like “ambulance chaser,” “shark” and “shyster.” Of course, most people only hate lawyers until they actually need one themselves. And then they like THEIR lawyer, at least until they get the bill for services rendered.

Although I was suspicious of these lawyers' reasons for trying to dissuade me from the practice of law, now that I have been a lawyer for a number of years I can see what they were talking about. The truth is it is not easy to make it as a lawyer. Whether you work for yourself, in a big corporate law firm, for a company, legal aid or the public defender's office, the practice of law can be very demanding and stressful. People usually need a lawyer when they are in crisis or have a distressing or distasteful problem they need help solving. A lot of pressure is put on lawyers to come up with the right answers and to win cases. That requires long and sometimes tedious hours. If you work for a firm, there is the constant pressure to bill the hours. If you work on your own, there is the constant struggle to bring in and manage business and to collect the fees so you can keep your office going. Many demands are put on attorneys by clients, judges, opposing counsel and the Bar itself. A lawyer can really feel the pressure of having the fate of a person’s future on her hands. While some clients are very grateful for all you do, other times no matter what you do, you can't make your client happy. They say that lawyers leave the profession as quickly as they enter it, and that lawyers suffer one of the highest levels of divorce, depression, substance abuse and suicide of any of the professions. So why then would anyone in their right mind want to be a lawyer?

The other day, when driving a carpool, I overheard one of my daughter’s friends telling her that she wanted to be a lawyer some day so that she could be rich.

“Whoa, slow your roll, Chick-a-dee!” I thought to myself. Although I can certainly understand the “lawyers are rich” perception with the billboards and the publicized huge corporate salaries and the high-profile billion dollar settlements of which the lawyers get their thirty percent cut, the fact of the matter is that the practice of law is like any other profession or job. A few really successful people make a lot of money (paying for it in blood, sweat and tears and putting in 80 hour weeks, mind you), but a larger number of lawyers--at least the ones who are able to get a job or attract clients--are solidly middle class. A starting public defender salary is usually in the range of a starting public school teacher salary (around $35,000 to $40,000 per year). On the other end of the spectrum and depending on the market, those who graduate at the top of their class at top law schools can have a starting salary well into six figures in some big cities like New York, D.C. and Los Angeles. However, the average mid-career lawyer income range is probably more $50,000 to $100,000, which, although I acknowledge is respectable, doesn't go very far when providing for a family and trying to save for the future. For most lawyers, the practice of law is not amazing wealth. While some do very well, others barely eke out a living.

So then why go to all the trouble to be a lawyer if not for the money? This is why: Lawyers can really make a difference in their community and the world. They help people in crisis, like my friend Robert Johnson, who is the Executive Director of Brevard County Legal Aid or my friend, Wendi Adelson, who has worked with victims of human trafficking as an immigration lawyer. There are many lawyers out there doing important work standing up for people’s rights, making sure that everyday people don’t get picked on, bullied and taken advantage of. Being a lawyer means participating meaningfully in the process that keeps America free and provides for checks and balances among the three branches of government. Lawyers make sure rules get followed and that people are held accountable. They make sure their clients get fair treatment and due process under the law. In short, practicing lawyers manifest the dream of our forefathers who, by the way, were mostly lawyers, and their dream was that our country would be a place where we the people among other things would establish justice and ensure the blessings of liberty.

When those lawyers would pooh-pooh me and say that there were already too many lawyers in the world, my parents, ever my champions, would retort, “There is always room for another GOOD lawyer.” Although we didn’t go into the definition of what constituted a “Good Lawyer,” I took it to mean that there is always room at the Bar for a lawyer who did an excellent job. Now I believe a Good Lawyer is more than that.

After all, what ultimately made me want to become a lawyer by the time I was 11 years old (before realizing this would be acceptable to my parents) is this: At a young age I had personally been picked on and bullied and watched other kids being picked on and bullied and I wanted to pursue a career that would empower me and others to stand up to the bullies of the world. I wanted to solve problems; help people; make a difference. I liked to read and write and speak and from what I could tell, this is what lawyers did. And here we have refined my definition of a Good Lawyer: A lawyer who uses her intelligence and skills to solve problems, help people, and live a life of purpose.

I know this isn't how a lot of people think about what it means to be a lawyer, but I enjoy pointing out that the original job description of a lawyer was to be a healer of societal rifts and advocate for civil order, for preventing "trial by battle" and peaceably resolving disputes. It is said that lawyers actually appeared back when hunters and gatherers started settling in villages. When disputes would arise, the oldest and wisest members of the community were called upon to make decisions regarding the disputes, with others in the community acting as representatives trying to bring peace back to the community. When people think about what it means to be a lawyer, I would like them to envision the many famous lawyers throughout history who have contributed to the advancement of rights and freedoms in our society, such as Marcus Tullius Cicero, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln (and 25 other United States Presidents), Mahatma Ghandhi, Nelson Mandela, Thurgood Marshall (and all of the Supreme Court Justices), More than ½ of the United States Senate, and perhaps most important, 35 out of 55 of the Founding Fathers who took part in the Constitutional Convention in 1787.

People should realize that without lawyers, there are no courts, without courts there are no rights, no third branch of government serving as a check and balance on the executive and legislative branches. Without checks and balances there is no freedom because it has been long established that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Remember Panem in the Hunger Games and the absolute power of President Snow? It's not all that far fetched. In some countries in the world there is no due process and people don't have the right to an attorney or the right to freedom of speech, religion, the press, to peaceably assemble or complain to the people who govern them.

Furthermore, making money and living a life of purpose are not mutually exclusive. There was a time when I made the six figure salary of a mergers and acquisitions associate at a big corporate D.C. law firm helping wealthy clients and corporations. While I didn’t love the overwhelming time commitment expected of me, I learned to find purpose in the building of businesses and helping people and companies succeed. And sometimes when I would rather be with my family than at the office, I would console myself with the thought that the money I was making would help provide for my family, allowing us to save for retirement and our children’s college education, as well as have clothes to wear, food to eat, a car to drive, and a furnished house in a safe neighborhood.

The American Dream doesn’t come cheap. However, we wouldn’t have the American Dream if it weren’t for the lawyers who wrote our Declaration of Independence, Constitution and Bill of Rights, nor would we be able to keep it if it weren’t for lawyers being prepared to protect it.

Additionally, I think it is pretty well established that if you pick a career based solely on the amount of money you think you can make pursuing it, then you are setting yourself up for a lot of unhappiness and emptiness in your life. I want bright, young, articulate people to consider becoming lawyers because they believe in truth, justice and the American Way, because they believe in keeping the playing field fair and that the rights granted to every person in the United States of America by our Constitution are worth preserving and fighting for. I want them to become lawyers so that they can live a life of purpose, helping people who need help and solving problems that need to be solved, ensuring that stories get told, justice prevails and freedom continues to ring. I can’t guarantee them financial success. Many of them will indeed find it, but I don’t want young people to become lawyers for the lure of big money. No one can guarantee the money will be there. What is guaranteed is that if they look hard enough for it, they will find a life of purpose. Then they will have untold riches that money would never be able to buy.

My Achy-Breaky Heart

2012-05-15T11:00:00.002-07:00

"Making the decision to have a child--It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
--Elizabeth Stone

The very first time I met her I knew that it would only be a matter of time before she broke my heart.

Perhaps it was the hormones or just the deep cosmic connection with the Universe--The Knowing--that comes with the miracle of creating life.

Or maybe it was the overwhelming and excruciating love that I felt for my first born as they placed her in my arms. The extraordinary, impassioned obsession with this tiny creature entrusted to me by God. Beautiful, perfect, needy. How was I going to keep her from starving? What if she didn't eat enough? What if she wasn't warm enough? How could they just let us leave the hospital with her? How could they possibly trust me to keep this child alive? I intermittently sobbed and beamed at our newborn bundle of joy.

In the first week of post-natal hysteric delirium that followed, it came time to take my daughter in for her first office visit with her pediatrician. I was still sobbing as I sat in the waiting room with my own mother, having decided that my mother would stay with us the first two weeks of our new daughter's life, so my husband could save his paternity leave for when I had to first go back to the office.

I kept weeping to myself and nobody, "She's going to break my heart. She's going to leave me someday." I felt sorry for the poor newly-minted doctor who had the bad luck of being the only doctor in Gaithersburg, Maryland with room in her practice for us. Had they given her a class in medical school about dealing with crazy new mothers? Apparently I was so pathetic, the nurses decided to remove me from the waiting room and place me in an unoccupied office until the pediatrician was ready to see us, ostensibly to give me some "privacy," but actually because I was scaring all the little children and their parents waiting for their well-child visits.

The pediatrician was valiant in her efforts to comfort me. "Now, now, of course you love your new daughter very much. Of course this is an emotional time for you."

"But she's going to grow up and leave me," I wailed. "She's the love of my life and she is going to break my heart. How will I ever be able to do anything else again other than spend 100% of my time making sure this child lives?"

Add to this the tears you shed as a new mom just from being so very tired all the time and I guess that is why they call it the "Baby Blues."

Luckily, at the time I gave birth, I had been working as a corporate associate at a large law firm with a generous paid maternity leave policy. It was also fortunate that the baby hormones eventually wore off and I was able to pull myself together enough to actually raise this astoundingly breathtaking child, as well as do whatever else it takes to get through life.

Mostly.

I felt like such a disgrace to feminists everywhere. I was a Harvard-educated lawyer with a coveted position at a prestigious D.C. law firm, for goodness sakes. Shake it off and be a real woman. Bring home that bacon and fry it up in the pan, why don't you?

And into the office I went.

When I did return to the firm, I pretty much cried non-stop for my first three weeks back on the job.

In my defense, while on maternity leave, September 11th happened and especially since we were living in the Maryland suburbs of D.C., the world had seemingly changed overnight into an unsafe place for raising a child or even venturing downtown. It only made sense that I should remain home to protect our baby.

Upon surviving several rides on the D.C. Metro Red Line without incident, and after getting back into the swing of things, I eventually reentered the "real" world in order to help provide my offspring all of the advantages in life. After all, it would take both me and my husband to pay the mortgage on and furnish our beautiful suburban 4 bed/2.5 bath colonial with unfinished basement. And let's not forget all those diapers, educational toys and baby gear and clothes from Baby Gap we were going to need or the ballet lessons and the Ivy-League college and graduate school this undeniable baby genius was going to eventually attend.

Of course going back to work wasn't the same. I definitely had the distinct feeling that I had left for maternity leave a star and come back from maternity leave a pariah, which was probably partially my fault due to all the weeping, but also due to the fact that in the three months I was at home (a) we had been attacked by terrorists, People! and (b) the economy had pretty much gone to Hades in a hand basket due to the loud popping of the dot.com bubble. When I left on maternity leave there were several part time women associates and of counsel making work-life balance seem completely plausible in Corporate America. When I returned from maternity leave, all the part time attorney-moms were mysteriously (or not so mysteriously) gone. Only the moms who had already made it to partner had survived and perhaps it was my imagination but they all seemed a little more standoffish than before the decimation of the World Trade Center and that gaping hole in one of the five sides of the Pentagon.

But I digress.

The point of all this ranting is that I WAS RIGHT. My heart is already breaking and my daughter is not even 11 years old.

Oh sure, I've felt tiny whispers of this achy-breaky feeling before (I mean since the whole pediatrician waiting room incident), like her first day of preschool when she didn't need me to stay, and the day she was totally fine going to kindergarten and how every day I have dropped her off at school she walks right off after merely asking me to check her face and hair to make sure she looks all right and then I watch her as she walks off confidently and cheerfully to her classroom (unless of course I've embarrassed her by the way I've dressed or shouted hello out the car window to one of her friends), and then she slinks away angrily formulating her lecture that she will give me later on appropriate parent behavior.

But that's just it.

Now she doesn't even need me to drop her off at school. Lately on most days she has started getting her own sufficient self to school, riding off on her bicycle with her other ever-more-independent neighborhood girlfriends. She doesn't need me to help her get dressed in the morning. Actually, she is more likely to help me get dressed these days (lest I embarrass her, and let's face it, she has really good taste) and unlike before if I came into her room in the morning, she has recently told me to please be mindful that she needs her privacy.

Sigh.

She is maturing before my very eyes. I am trying to write a book for my daughter about growing up but apparently I'm not writing it fast enough. She gets herself ready. Puts on her own sunblock and helmet and shouts "Goodbye!" over her shoulder and she races out the door. She's started making her own goal and life-lists. She goes longer stretches of the day without my seeing her or her needing me. I mean I know that she needs me, but recently it has been things like insisting that I show her how to shave her legs, driving her to three different stores to find the exact shorts she needs for her dance team, or discussing the different cell phone options and plans that she will allegedly pay for herself by doing chores around the house.

I kind of laugh about it with my husband over the breakfast table, because on the one hand this is what we want. We are proud we almost never have to keep after our highly-responsible daughter. We encourage her independence. In fact we sometimes (not-so) secretly long for the freedom that will come when our children are finally off at college and we will start traveling blissfully around the world enjoying life and congratulating ourselves that we raised healthy and well-educated children who will most likely solve world hunger, or cure cancer or discover a new species of fish in the Amazon River.

Honestly, if you do your job right as a parent, you slowly and steadily work your way out of your position. In fact, I heartily believe that the whole point the Universe entrusted this child to me in the first place was so that I would be there to help her find her wings and fly away. This is why her father and I have been sacrificing to sock hundreds of dollars away each month in our children's college accounts. They are supposed to grow up to be self-reliant and productive members of society who don't need their mommies and daddies.

I also realize that this whisper of heart-ache I am hearing now is not going to be anything nearly as loud as the heart-wrenching ROAR I'll hear when that day actually comes only seven years from now when our first child does indeed go off to college to fully be her own person. And then when our son goes off only three years after his sister, I guess my husband and I will really have to deal with the empty nest heartbreak.

I suppose these little pangs are a reminder for us to cherish what time we have left of their childhood and not take even one little second for granted. It is also a good reminder to not feel guilty about working less than at full capacity right now. I can tell that it isn't going to be long before I'm going to need to go back to work full time to fill the void that will be left when the children launch from the nest into the great wide open sky.

This must be what Billy Joel meant when he wrote, "This is the time to remember, for it will not last forever. These are the times to hold onto. Cause we won't although we'll want to."

I should keep this in mind whenever my children annoy me, or complain that they are bored, or want me to do this or that with them even when I'm tired and I just want to be left alone.

I will have plenty of time to be left alone in just a few short years.

Although I am comforted by the fact that despite going days or even weeks without calling my own mother, I did end up moving back with my husband and children to my home town to be physically near my parents and extended family. My own mother is always a phone call, text or two minute drive away for me to share with her the latest achievement of--or funny story about--her grandchildren.

I am also comforted in the knowledge that we never really stop needing our parents completely, despite the fact that we all do grow up and break our mothers' hearts. And because they love us so much, they accept that we are going to do so, and then they watch us go, happy for every phone call and chance to be needed and even happier when we don't need them because they have successfully raised us to stand on our own two feet, strap on our helmets and ride our bicycles out into the streets of the world.

Because that's what it is to be a mother.

this is our story, a book review

2012-03-06T15:54:00.003-08:00

Wendi Adelson wants you to know that the human slave trade still exists today. She wants you to know that there are women and girls all over the world--even in the United States--who do not possess control and freedom over their lives or their bodies. She wants you to know how such an atrocity of human behavior could still occur in the modern world. Furthermore, she wants you to know that if you are a person of relative privilege who can afford the time and money to get yourself an education, then you should consider going to law school and becoming as she puts it, "an advocate for those whose voices have been taken from them."

It is for these reasons she has written the fictional but very real book entitled, this is our story. And it is for these reasons I would advise you to pull up a chair and start reading.

In a world where people often don't give a lot of credit to all the good that attorneys do, Ms. Adelson's story comes to us as a shining example of something incredibly amazing that can be accomplished with a law degree.

What I like most about this Florida State University law professor and public interest lawyer's novel is that her characters, Mila and Rosa are so alive that they practically walk right off the page. They are not romanticized, flawless, simple dupes; but complex thinking, feeling, erring human beings. Perhaps she is able to make her characters seem so real because they are indeed composites of actual people with whom the author has spent countless hours. I submit, however, that the true reason Ms. Adelson is able to bring these characters to life is because of the clarity, conviction and passion with which she writes. It has been said that the most effective lawyer is able to help her clients by telling their stories in a compelling way.

This is exactly what she has done here.

I also appreciate that through this novel, Ms. Adelson is able to express a little-heard and unconventional point of view of the immigrant, which has been lost in the current American political discourse. She states it succinctly through her quasi-autobiographical character, Attorney Lily, who bristles at the use of the term "illegals" to describe her clients:

I know a lot of people use that word and don't mean anything by it, but people also use the word to dehumanize immigrants, and make them seem like they aren't people, just "illegals" that don't have any right to be here, so we can do to them and dispose of them as we see fit. Really, though, folks, there is no such thing as an "illegal" human being. Yes, there are people in this country who lack the proper papers and who don't have the correct immigration status, but I would never call them "aliens" or "illegals."

Food for thought.

My only complaint is how Ms. Adelson's lawyer character tells her own story while constantly annotating her writing with footnotes. I find the footnotes most distracting, yet I know she has done this because it is one of the idiosincracies of Attorney Lily (and perhaps Ms. Adelson herself?). Although I am not a fan of the footnotes, I have to admit I was compelled to read them anyway and in fact one of my favorite lines in the book comes from the one at the end of Chapter 35 reminding us that the suffering of victims doesn't end just because they have been rescued:

Our story continues just as life continues, for all victims of trafficking who go on living. Sometimes, surviving day to day or even minute to minute is a challenge...Our story could never be tied up in a neat package. Our story keeps going, long after you finish this book.

I also have to take issue just a little bit with the character of Attorney Lily herself. Not because the author has done anything wrong, rather because she has done such a good job bringing her to life. This character falls into some common wellness traps of attorneys, such as overwork and neglect of her personal relationships. In fact, Attorney Lily is so relatable, I feel like a friend of hers from law school who must sit her down woman to woman to force her to talk things out, if she'd only let me. There has to be a way that attorneys can do meaningful and important work and still lead happy, balanced lives and I want this both for Lily and for myself. I have to assume that this is the one area in which the author's life deviates in reality from that of her character. In fact, it is her real life husband, with whom she has two small children, that encouraged Ms. Adelson to write this book in the first place. I'm glad he did.

This is our story is a very important book indeed.

It reminds us that there is much work to be done and that we have the power--lawyers and non-lawyers alike--to make a difference in the lives of those who may need a hand up. I personally will recommend that my own law students read and be inspired by Ms. Adelson's book with the hope that it will encourage them to pursue a career, legal or otherwise, helping others. Furthermore, this book has inspired me to join my local chapter of Zonta (http://zonta.org), an international organization dedicated to advancing the status of women worldwide that raises awareness and money for the abolishment of human trafficking and other acts of violence against women.

For I have now heard the story of "Rosa," "Mila," and "Lily." And I will continue to listen.

Passing on the People's Choice Crown

2012-03-05T14:49:00.033-08:00

A year ago
I was humbled to be voted
Mrs. Florida People's Choice at the
2011 Mrs. Florida America Competition.
I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you
What the People's Choice Award means to me.
The People's Choice Award
Is about service above self.
It is about always adding value
And the realization that
Unless we are committed to making change happen,
Unless we are able to take responsibility,
Be a part of the solution,
Neither we,
Nor our friends,
Nor family, nor community
Will flourish.
It is up to us
To plant the seeds of
Hope,
Love, and
Promise.
And to carry on
Even when we doubt ourselves
Or lose faith in others.
The People's Choice Award is about understanding
That our words and actions
Define who we are.
It has been an honor
To be your Mrs. Florida People's Choice for the past year.
It is an even greater honor
To pass the People's Choice Award on
To a special woman who has done
And will continue to do
Her part to make her community proud.
Whether her passions lie with
Improving education,
The environment,
The arts,
Or helping women and children in need,
Your new Mrs. Florida People's Choice will dedicate herself
To making the State of Florida,
And perhaps the world,
A more beautiful and loving place.
Congratulations to all of the amazing ladies competing this year.

What I've Learned From Harry Potter

2012-01-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

I love being a mom. Not just because of the miracle of giving life and the overpowering, unconditional and unparalleled love that I feel for my children. Although that's all pretty cool, motherhood rocks because of all the things you get to do, read and learn about when you have kids. When your kids are tiny you enjoy all of what Blue and Dora have to teach you. I bopped to the Wiggles and Barney without worrying about looking ridiculous, because being a parent gives you free license to be as silly and fun as you want. After all, it's for the kids (wink, wink).

As my kids have gotten older, their tastes in books and music have obviously matured with them, so we now dance together to the Black Eyed Peas and LMFAO, and in the last year and a half we finally bought into the Harry Potter hype. When the Harry Potter theme park originally opened at Universal Studios in Orlando, we were probably the only people we knew who didn't care. However, at the start of my son's first grade year, we made our way to Hogwarts and reading in my house hasn't been the same since.

We devoured all of J.K. Rowling's books as a family. We would finish a book, then watch the corresponding movie. We finished the 7th book just in time to catch the last movie at our local theater. I'm not sure who was more enchanted by this fascinating orphaned wizard and his adventures, me or my son. But after we had finished all seven books, watched all eight movies, and made a point to enjoy a butterbeer in the Wizarding World, I turned around and started reading the books all over again by myself.

It's just that I wanted more time with this wise, brave and relatable little boy who, despite his trials and tribulations, despite being picked on and bullied by many and hunted by He Who Must Not Be Named, never gives up on his fellow man. Harry never leaves anyone to die, be they friend or foe. His actions that leave the greatest impression on me occur in the Second Task of the Triwizard Tournament in Chapter 26 of the 4th book, Goblet of Fire. Here, four hostages are tied up at the bottom of the lake and each of four champions, one of them Harry, is supposed to rescue his or her own hostage and return to the surface as quickly as possible. Although Harry reaches the hostages first, he stays at the bottom of the lake to help free them all, not just Ron Weasley. Harry ends up being the last champion to make it back (with the exception of Fleur, whose little sister Harry rescues since Fleur had been thwarted by the grindylows). Although technically Harry should get the third lowest marks, he ties for first place, because most of the judges determine that Harry's actions have demonstrated moral fiber.

I'm sure I will be taken to task by more traditional attorneys who believe only in the zealous advocacy of their clients, but I believe in my heart that Harry's actions during the Triwizard Tournament are a parable for how law should be practiced, especially in the family law context. To me the hostages at the bottom of the lake can be said to represent a family tied up in a divorce or other litigation. Although each of the hostages had a champion, whom we can say are the lawyers, the lawyer with the strongest moral fiber was the one who made sure that everyone survived and made it safely to the surface. Now Harry was chastised by some who said that he should only have worried about his own hostage because The System wouldn't have really let any of the hostages perish. Harry feels like maybe he was stupid not to believe in the security of the system, for no one surely would have been allowed to drown. Or would they? But Harry's gut told him to help other people, even if it technically wasn't his responsibility and you have to love the boy for that.

Other than Harry, the person who inspires me the most at Hogwarts is its headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore never loses his temper or gives up on people. He never yells at anyone no matter how dire the situation. He always keeps his head and maintains a handle on things, with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face. Regardless of the circumstances, even when he knows he is about to meet his death, he doesn't panic. Oh, how I aspire to be as even-keeled and wise as Albus Dumbledore. How I wish I could be as benevolent and forgiving in the face of my detractors.

Yes, I've learned a lot from Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore, and I would never have had the good fortune to meet them, if I hadn't become a mom.

Come on in, the Future is Fine.

2011-12-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

This one is going to take a little more creativity and thought. Last time I wrote a letter to my 22 year old self. But what would my 62 year old self want my 42 year old self to know right now?

Dear Brooke (age 42):

Greetings from 2031! Yes, the world is still here and humanity is chugging along quite nicely. Although some things will never change, all in all humans are evolving. We have achieved so much in 20 years and you are personally doing splendidly. In fact, your life is everything you hoped it would be. No regrets. You are in the ideal position to answer your life calling and--although the path is sometimes fuzzy--your trajectory in 2011 really is leading you just where you want to go. So this is what I have to say to you. Listen:

Stop worrying! Sometimes you can see how far you've come and sometimes you are just too hard on yourself. Where you are in your life right now is perfect. It is a wonderful time. You will look back at this time in your life with great fondness. Your children are at such a fun age and you are enjoying them immensely. This is a good thing. A great thing. So you worry that you aren't accomplishing as much as you should professionally, that you should be making more money, that you should be more "successful." Do us both a favor and stop "shoulding" all over the place. You need to see that you already are successful. You are on the right track. It's not about the money right now. It's about your kids. Remind yourself of one of your favorite facts: Even United States Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor took several years off to raise her children. I'm not sitting here at 62 saying, "Gee, I should have spent more time at the office and less time with Macie and Lucas." You know what my perspective is in 2031? This is it: I can't believe my babies are all grown up. It just flew by so fast. I'm so glad I didn't miss it. The school-age years were such precious times. I wouldn't trade them for all the money, power or conventional success in the world. In 2011 they are 8 and 10 years old. In 2031 they are 28 and 30 years old. Happy, healthy, productive good citizens blessed with a terrific, nurturing childhood contributed to largely in part by having had joyful, loving and involved parents. Congratulations! You are doing the right thing by prioritizing your children at this time in your and their lives. Besides your business is doing just fine and it's only going to get better. As you have more time to devote to building your career, your career will grow and thrive. You have the perfect work/life balance right now. So quit worrying. Everything is progressing the way it should. It's all going to come together beautifully. You'll see.

Stop feeling guilty! What is it with you? Why is it that whatever you are doing, you think you ought to be doing something else? Can't you see that whatever you are doing is what you are supposed to be doing right now? That is why you are doing it. When you are working, you feel you should be exercising. When you are exercising, you feel you should be working. When you are resting, you feel like you should be doing something "more productive." You are actually doing a rather fabulous job of having it all. You have everything you need. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Enjoy the moment. Be mindful of whatever you are doing at the time you are doing it. There is time for everything. One step at a time. Have a little more faith in your choices. Cut yourself some slack.

Stop being afraid! There is nothing to fear. You may not always be able to control what happens to you but you are always able to choose how you will react to it. Know that you will face whatever comes your way and you will handle it with grace and dignity. You will make the most of everything life hands you. You have always exhibited resilience in the face of adversity and you will continue to do so. Believe in yourself and what you stand for. Stay true to yourself and your message. Don't let the naysayers and adversaries bring you down. Listen to whatever criticism you can use to improve and grow and let go of the rest. Align yourself with people who will mentor and support you. Friends and teachers are all around you. Ask for help and you shall receive it. It all comes together when it is supposed to. Remember that "o fim sempre da certo"--everything always works out in the end. It is only a matter of seeing it as so, remembering that there is a lesson to be learned, learning it and moving on. You've always been good at seeing and learning and incorporating new information. Keep the faith.

The cool thing about being 62 is that it is much easier now to internalize these concepts and be at peace with myself. At 42, although you know intellectually that I speak true, you still struggle to stay in the moment. You have to keep practicing patience, tolerance and compassion as well as loving and forgiving yourself and others; but trust me, you are well on your way. Be happy knowing that you will be everything you want to be when the time is right. You know how you wish you were smarter, wiser, and more Zen-like? You know how you wish you had 20 more years of experience? I'm happy to report that age provides for this. You got it. It's just that time takes time.

So please enjoy your 40s and stop second-guessing yourself. This is a beautiful time for you. Appreciate it. Also, your instincts are great. They have never steered you wrong. I know you can't see the future from where you are, but I can promise you it will be a bright one. Everything is as it should be. I should know, right? Now you know this: I am proud of the woman that you are right now as well as the woman you are becoming. And the best is indeed yet to come, so relax and hang in there, Sister. I'm rooting for you.

Much love, Brooke (age 62)

Letters to Myself

2011-12-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

What if we really could travel in time and visit our older or younger selves? What wisdom could we share? What comfort could we provide? What advice would we give? First I thought it would be fun to travel back twenty years to December 1991 where I am 22 years old and a graduate assistant at the University of Florida's Center for Latin American Studies. This is an exciting time for me as I am waiting to embark on a year of scholarship and travel in South America, first with a Fulbright fellowship program in Belo Horizonte, Brazil and then as a Rotary International Ambassadorial Scholar of Good Will in Buenos Aires, Argentina:

Dear Brooke (age 22):
Greetings from 2011! I smile as I think about you. The world is literally at your feet. As a Latin American Studies and Spanish major at the University of Virginia, you were bitten hard by the travel bug and you are taking it as far as you can go. Although the economy is terrible, you have brilliantly found a way to continue to travel and study culture and languages without having to get a real job. You are old enough to enjoy all the perks and freedoms of adulthood and young enough to not yet know the burdens of taxes and mortgages and other grown-up responsibilities. Hurray!

At this point you are still the Golden Girl. Everything always works out for you. Nothing bad ever happens to you. You are still in your age of innocence. You have yet to know real pain and suffering. Life is easy and happy, although you still manage to fret over things like your weight, boyfriends and that one professor you got assigned to work with because nobody else wanted to deal with her insanity, and you are the low woman on the totem poll. You can handle it.

Just soak it up, Baby! Enjoy the bliss of the innocent. You are having experiences, visiting places and making friends you will carry with you for the rest of your life. You love who you are and so far your life is everything you hoped it would be. Travel. Explore. Learn. Live. Things are going to continue to go your way, for the most part. You are young and beautiful and educated and free. You don't have to worry about anything yet, and why should you? 1992 will be your most amazing year yet.

Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but these are the days that will shore you up when the Tragedy happens. This makes no sense to you now, but in another year or two you will finally know grief and loss. Your eyes will be opened. You will understand for the first time true pain and suffering. You think you already know these things but you don't. The shell around your soul will break open and you will have a greater awakening about the Universe. But don't worry, you will be okay. In fact, this will prove to be the pivotal experience that makes you a deeper, wiser, more empathic and spiritual person. After experiencing this true loss and grief, you will learn more about yourself and how to pick up the pieces when life falls apart and how to keep moving on. This will prove to be an inspiration to others. You will reclaim your happiness and continue on in your journey of this wonderful gift that is your life. When you are in your deepest pain, try to remember your life as it is now in 1991 and 1992. Remember that who you are right now is your true self.

And don't worry, even with the Tragedy in 1993, you still have a few more years of travel and study and adventure. You will fall in and out of love several times yet. More of your dreams will come true. You will make it into and graduate from Harvard Law School, where you will meet more amazing people and do more amazing things. In fact, until your graduation from law school in 1996, these are the times you will look back on wistfully when your obligations and priorities change first to making money and then to being married and raising your children.

Actually, despite your dreams and intentions of creating world peace and building infrastructure in developing countries, you are actually going to go the corporate route. Despite your world travels, Corporate America is going to be the biggest culture shock of your princess life. You will get your butt kicked. You will question and doubt yourself, lose sight of the Golden Girl that you are and feel a lot less interesting and brilliant than your former self. But this all serves a purpose. Another great awakening. The real world can't wait forever and learning doesn't stop just because you graduate from school. Besides, your dreams and goals will change and you will decide to forgo that international trajectory for staying close to home, marrying the all-American boy next door, having 2.3 kids and a house and yard with a white picket fence. So don't cry too long over the boys who will break your heart and stop fretting over things like your weight and whether or not you will ever meet Mr. Right. You will, you will. Just go and do and be. Have your travels and adventures.

Writing to you from 2011, I can tell you that the economy is the pits again, and your wanderlust is in check because your kids aren't old enough to appreciate exotic places yet, and even if they were, you and your husband are too busy putting all that money towards their college education and a mortgage payment to feel like you can spend the money anyhow. So enjoy your 20-something freedom and do not fret, even though you will eventually face some great life-altering challenges. Your life force is very strong and will continue to be so despite what comes. So, keep making wonderful memories to squirrel away for those middle-aged years when you have to be more responsible. Do I make it sound boring? Not at all. Marriage and motherhood are their own special adventure you will not want to miss. You think you are having a good time now? Believe me, nothing you will ever do will be as awesome is being a mom. You'll see.

But for right now, you have so much to look forward to. You will never be this young again. I'm really excited for you and your bright future. Always appreciate it, for you are truly blessed.
Oh, and when you and Laura are on that bus in Bolivia don't just stop at Lake Titicaca, go all the way into Peru and climb Machu Picchu while you still can. Despite my best intentions, it's 2011 and I still haven't made it back. Perhaps there is still time. Maybe I'll take the family.
Love, Brooke (age 42)

A Season of Thankfulness

2011-11-11T17:38:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to count our blessings, although being thankful is arguably something we should practice year round. I find that there is nothing quite like making a list of all I am thankful for to cheer me and create a feeling of peace. I want to pass this on to my children. In fact, it's only Veterans Day and my children had already started rumbling about what they want to get under the tree. So I told them that before I would entertain any discussion of their Chanukah/Christmas list, they would have to sit down and make a Gratitude List of at least 100 things for which they were thankful.

And they did. Actually, they had a pretty good time of it and found it was a relatively easy exercise once they got started. After my 8 year old son read me his list (of 102!) I asked him how he felt about the assignment. He replied that it had been a good exercise for both his head and his hand, and that it surprisingly didn't hurt either body part.

Try it. Once you get going, you'll find it is quite easy to realize all that you are thankful for. The list will inevitably include members of your family, fond friends, favorite foods, places and things, shelter, clothing and physical and mental health. Freedom. Feet. Eyes. Trees. The ocean. And on and on.

Now, let's kick it up a notch and try to be thankful for a few things we might not normally think of. This isn't quite as easy, but here's the start of a slightly unconventional thank you list, which might be useful whenever life seems less than perfect:

1. I am thankful for laundry. There is perhaps no greater household drudgery than doing the laundry, however, if I have laundry to do, it means I and my family have clothes to wear and that we had the opportunity to both acquire and to wear them.

2. I am thankful for taxes. Let's face it, nobody wants to pay them and yet we need services like police and fire, roads and schools. If I have a tax bill, it means I earned an income, which is more than some millions of unemployed Americans can say.

3. I am thankful for all the times my heart was broken. Oh yes, I suffered such heartbreak back in the day. But if I had married any of those guys, I would never have met and married my awesome husband. He was definitely worth the wait.

4. I am thankful for the times as a child that I felt awkward, shy and picked on. As an adult it has given me great empathy for others. I try to make an effort to reach out in most social situations. I like that about myself.

5. I am thankful for those really really bad times. While I hope they never come back, they have led me to appreciate all that life has to offer and have showed me that whatever the circumstances, whatever the loss, I have everything I need right here and life will go on.

6. I am thankful for when my children wake me up in the middle of the night or cry, whine, complain to, argue with or pester me. Although I prefer our more polite conversations and words of affection, when they are not their best selves with me, I know that my children are living, thinking human beings who are not afraid to communicate with me and that they feel safe expressing to me their needs and wants.

7. I am thankful for all the people in my life who have challenged me, pushed me, given me grief or made my life miserable. For as much as I love and appreciate the people who have caressed and coddled me and built me up, I've probably learned my greatest lessons and improved the most from my critics and my detractors. (Although I'm still going to choose to hang out with the people who are nice to me and limit my exposure to toxic or negative people, I'm not crazy).

8. I am thankful for all the times I have fallen down both literally and figuratively, for as wonderfully thrilling as my successes have been, it is the times that I have had to get back up and brush off my dignity and pride that I have truly learned to be a champion.

Of course, we would rather only have good things happen to us and to only know peace and prosperity. I sure do hope we all get some more of that in life. But let's face it, not so good stuff is going to happen too. Laundry and taxes are a fact of life. People die, get ill or hurt or in trouble. At times we will all experience a little hunger, thirst, cold, setback or heartbreak.

But if we can learn to be somehow thankful for whatever comes, we will hopefully be able to find our happiness regardless of the season.

Fueling the Spark

2011-11-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

Kevin Houchin, Esq. wants lawyers and law students to succeed in their personal and professional lives. He has written two books, both entitled Fuel the Spark. One is aimed at law students, and subtitled, 5 Guiding Values for Success in Law School & Beyond (2009, Kevin E. Houchin, Esq.). The other is aimed at lawyers and subtitled, 5 Guiding Values for Success in Law & Life (2009, Kevin E. Houchin, Esq.). Both books are short and aimed at getting those either entering or already entrenched in the legal profession to consider their values and to apply them to their lives so that they can be happier, healthier and more successful in their law practice. He also wants them to have more fun.

What's not to like?

Mr. Houchin (an entertainment and intellectual property lawyer you can learn more about at www.kevinhouchin.com) would like these books to be required law school reading, and I don't blame him. I have encountered innumerable legal practitioners who started having existential crises the moment they graduated law school. I myself started feeling when I left law school and entered Corporate America that I was no longer the interesting person I used to be, the person I liked before I became a lawyer. It has personally taken years of struggle and honest reflection to build a happy, balanced life for myself.

As Mr. Houchin recognizes, I am not alone. His answer is to highlight 5 guiding values and work up short programs and exercises to help the law student and legal practitioner contemplate and come home to his or herself, or at least remember who they are so they don't stray too far from themselves in the first place. He writes with enthusiasm, brevity and wit, which is much appreciated by the reader. Without digression he illuminates his 5 core values (keys to success) which are to (1) Accept responsibility for one's life; (2) Show up; (3) Pay 100% attention; (4) Have many irons in the fire; and (5) Give back (Stewardship).

As I teach an Introduction to Law class at the Florida Institute of Technology in Melbourne, Florida, I have come close to answering Mr. Houchin's dream by making his books recommended (but not required) reading and spending one day of class time discussing the principles contained therein with my students. I have even gifted one of his books to a very grateful friend who had just been accepted into law school and would give a copy as a graduation present to any law student I truly cared about.

As for my Introduction to Law class, Fuel the Spark makes for an interesting and thought-provoking discussion with students. It is important to encourage students to think about what values really matter to them. I have even had students indicate that the values highlighted by Mr. Houchin are not the only relevant values and that they might prefer to choose the values they felt mattered most to them rather than the values prescribed by someone else.

All the better.

Fuel the Spark encouraged my students to consider their own values. I loved that they were inspired to begin thinking about qualities that matter to them in life. After all, isn't getting students to analyze and think for themselves what education is all about? And unlike some other disciplines, law is not about "solving for X," but rather identifying and evaluating different perspectives and articulating them in understandable, compelling and persuasive ways. Not only do the Fuel the Spark books get students to think about their own values, they beseech them to formulate how they will make a positive impact in the world utilizing their strengths and talents.

A worthy exercise for anyone, I submit.

The Fuel the Spark aimed at lawyers also makes for an excellent continuing legal education seminar in ethics and professional responsibility. I would certainly utilize it for any law student or lawyer that came to me for coaching and mentoring.

So I give kudos to Kevin Houchin for creating these straight-forward and easy reads for lawyers and law students. I hope he realizes his dream of having one or the other become required law school reading as I would like to see a more self-actualized and less stressed-out bar.

The Beauty of the Rain

2011-10-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

It is raining today. For many people this is a depressing, sad, annoying or inconvenient situation.

But not for me.

I've always loved the rain. It has always felt like liquid peace to me. When I was about 6 years old, I placed a child sized chair in my little red wagon, wheeled it into the front yard and sat there under an oversized umbrella. After first taking a picture, my mother made me come back in the house, where I instead opened up the garage door, set up my chair at the edge and watched Mother Nature's show.

When I was about 22 and a graduate student at the University of Florida's Center for Latin American Studies, my boyfriend at the time and I took our umbrellas and made a hike through the rain in one of the area parks. We felt alive and adventurous and in control of our destinies.

At some point as a graduate student or law student, on one of my journeys to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, it was raining on the beach in Ipanema. Rather than let it bother me, I let the rain soak me as I sat on top of a giant rock and gazed out at the sea. I may have look bedraggled, but I felt completely free.

I've been through all sorts of trials and tribulations in life, not to the extent of many people in this world, but enough to call my own. For example, about a week before I was to start Harvard Law School in 1993, I had a horrible car accident while on a weekend road trip in which the boyfriend from the University of Florida was thrown from the car. I watched helplessly in the middle of the grassy highway median as he died. An ambulance took me away to a hospital where I didn't know anyone. In shock and far from home, I waited several hours until my mom and dad could come for me. No one would give me a straight answer when I asked about my boyfriend.

Except for some minor scratches and bruises, I emerged from the accident physically unharmed. But my spirit broke that day and some part of me died along with my boyfriend. My golden girl innocence had shattered. Of course, I had been lucky to have held on to my childlike wonder for as long as I had. Now I was hollow and devastated. My parents packed me off to law school anyway, which turned out to be the right decision. My life had to go on and though I now saw the world with different eyes, somehow I would have to make it through.

Even during the depths of my despair, I knew that the death of my ability to feel boundless happiness and joy would only be a kind of temporary death, like when winter comes and the leaves are off the trees, all is barren and seemingly dead, especially in a Massachusetts winter. And yet, a tiny spark of hope managed to hang on inside me through the depression and anxiety I felt over the next year, which would peak through in the quiet moments when I was no longer able to keep them squashed under a frenzy of activity and distraction. Down deep I knew that eventually spring would come back to my soul, and my spirit would one day blossom again.

Now when it rained, I would feel my lost friend in the raindrops, a friend that was loving and kind to me and who wanted to protect and comfort me. A friend telling me one dark and dreary November day in Cambridge as I lay listless and forlorn on my dorm room bed unable to focus on preparing for law school exams, not sure how I was going to make it through, that it was time to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Somehow I was able to receive this gentle message. And so I tried, and so I did. I don't know how, but I made it through and here I am.

Today I have the most wonderful husband and amazing kids. I have meaningful work that I love helping people. I have friends that I cherish; family that supports me unconditionally; community that gives me purpose and never lets me feel alone. Sure, I've had to deal with some stuff that I won't go into here. Especially since the stuff is not completely over. But it doesn't matter if it is over or if it's not. It's okay if it's still raining.

Let it rain down on me. I welcome the refreshing shower and am happy to be washed clean. The rain didn't stop the itsy bitsy spider and it doesn't have to stop you or me. Besides, if there are only sunshiny times in our life then we will not be able to fully feel joy.

As the Lebanese poet, Khalil Gibran wrote in his timeless book, The Prophet, with regard to Joy and Sorrow, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

And as to Pain, he wrote:

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that your heart must stand in the sun, so must you know pain...And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."

And you are still free to dance in the rain and play in the snow like you did as an innocent happy child. Storms always pass. Winter never lasts. You can't control the weather or your circumstances, but you can control your attitude about them and remember that no matter how cold and wet it might get, the brilliant sun inside your heart is still shining there beneath the storm clouds, and it will come out again.

Because the Sky is Blue

2011-07-11T06:38:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl going to bed in summertime, I would ask my mom to leave the shutters open on my window, so that I could look up into the beautiful blue sky. I would gaze up at the sky and feel at peace. "Mommy, I want to look at the blue!" I would say.

When I was a teenager and young adult, I would take walks after dinner with my father as the sun was setting. Sometimes we would walk over the bridge. Sometimes we would do a circuit along the Indian River Lagoon, across the barrier island and back along the ocean. We would have long, soulful talks and I remember telling him that I didn't see how anyone could be unhappy when the sky was so beautiful.

I would wonder to myself, "Does it make sense that I am happy because I love the sky?"

Now that I am older and wiser I realize that it makes complete and perfect sense.

By loving the sky, you are loving the Universe and all that is in it, including yourself. What I want you to remember is that you are the beautiful, infinite and vast sky. The sky itself is never actually gray. That is an illusion caused by the storm clouds passing through. The sky beyond the clouds is always blue. Respect the clouds as they pass through, yet remember that they are not you.

You are the sky.

Love Is Never A Mistake

2011-07-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

"When you came together at the time it was meant to be. It was not a mistake. Your children are not a mistake. The life you built together was not a mistake. If it is time to move on, then let's move on, but let's honor the past as we look to the future."

I always tell my clients this when they come in to see me for the first time. I just feel in my heart that this has to be true and this is why I feel called to be a peacemaker and healer for divorcing couples and why I can no longer bring myself to practice law. I just can't take sides. I just don't see the point of fighting. Luckily, there are plenty of skilled lawyers out there who can advise divorcing people of their legal rights. I refer individuals to them often and God bless them. Their work is not easy.

As for me, when a couple is divorcing, I see only too clearly that what we have here is a family. Even if there were no children born of the marriage, the couple was a family to each other. They shared their lives and their love with each other for however long. They learned from each other. They are who they are today because they came into each other's lives. Despite whatever pain and suffering they may have advertantly or inadvertantly caused each other, there was also joy and laughter. There are good memories as well as bad, and if they have children together, then there are still many memories to be made special. They owe their children the decency of honoring and respecting one another.

What I want couples to know is that they came together for a reason. They walked on the same path for the time that they did in order to grow spiritually. If I am not mistaken, many therapists indicate that people come together to help heal their pains from childhood, most often marrying people with traits like their own parents. So even if now the couple has grown apart, I feel a moral obligation to honor, respect and cherish the marriage, even as it is ending. I feel strongly the need to empower the couple to move on in a mature and healthy way, to help them forgive each other as well as their own selves.

By forgiving one another, not only do they heal themselves, they demonstrate for others the way to peace. For the only way to peace is to first make peace with oneself.

Just imagine what the world would be like if more people were at peace with themselves? What would happen if people didn't feel the need to "punish" others for slings and arrows, real or imagined? What if people could let go of the Ego and instead say to their spouse, "Thank you for having taught me. Thank you for helping me grow. I wish for you peace and love and happiness. May it be so."

Move on. Move on. Love is never a mistake.

Saving Yourself

2011-06-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

"Once upon a time there was a very friendly princess who was captured by a big, grumpy, invisible wizard,
And he locked her in the tippy top of his tower...
Now this princess got very, very smart after years of thinking in the tower,
and it began to dawn on her that perhaps the invisible wizard wasn't even there.
So she approached the gigantic door that kept her locked into the tower
and she OPENED IT,
and tiptoed carefully down the stairs...
where low and behold she walked into a clearing in the woods and she was free!
And you'll never believe it, but there was an entire village
of forest animals and people dancing and singing.
They had been waiting for her all these years."

--The Roches, Goodnight

Sometimes we feel angry or scared or that the whole world is against us and we don't even know why. When things don't seem to be going our way, it is easy to get trapped into thinking that someone or something is doing it to us. If only this person would stop picking on me...If only that person would go away...If only I had a better job, a better car, better hair...If only (fill in the blank here), I would be (pick one) happier, perfect, rich, okay, saved.

But what if I were to tell you that all those things that are keeping you stuck, all those people who are holding you back, all that baggage that is dragging you down--none of it really matters. No one, no thing, no situation controls you. No one, no thing, no situation is making you miserable. Guess who's really making you miserable?

Yep, you got it: You.

"But, but, but..." I hear you say.

No, it's really you. Trust me.

Now, I know you are not doing it to yourself on purpose. You don't mean to keep yourself stuck. I know you are doing the best you can with what you think you got right now. You think you need more to be happy and you could definitely make some positive changes in your life. Couldn't we all?

Yes and no. Everything you really need, you've had all along. You are golden, just the way you are. You don't need anything else to be happy. Not that you shouldn't feel free to develop and explore your interests. Don't stop striving for your dreams. What you need to know, however, is that there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. Know also that the Big Dream is not the be all and end all. It doesn't really matter if you make it or you don't. It's the journey along the way where all the fun is to be had.

You see, happiness is not for someday in the future when all your dreams come true. Happiness is right there inside you right now. You were born with it. It has always been there. And no one can take it away from you without your permission.

Remember Dorothy and her adventure to the Emerald City? Dorothy made some terrific friends along the way to meet the great and powerful Oz. But the wizard couldn't give her or her friends anything they didn't already have. In fact, it turned out, Dorothy had the means to get herself home to Kansas the whole time. Click, click, click.

And you have the means to get yourself home to happiness. You had it all the time.

Do I make it sound easy? That's because it is (unless there is something chemical or otherwise serious going on. In that case, it's helpful to explore your issues with an experienced doctor, psychologist or therapist). For your garden variety gripes and grouses, however, you may just need to look at your life a different way. I'm not a statistician, but I would say that 90% of life is showing up with the right attitude. No matter what happens to you in your life--and oh, things will happen, it's true--you will have to deal. But it is the manner in which you deal with it that will make all the difference.

I myself have spent many a night trapped in the tower of my racing mind, unable to sleep, tossing and turning, worrying, agonizing, fretting about the future. I've spent days hiding from the world in my office, home or dorm room, not feeling like going out, angry at someone or some situation, fearful of my fate and I can tell you one thing about it:

It was a total waste of my time.

Well, maybe not a total waste. I guess I had to go through it so I could learn to set myself free by changing the channel of my mind; to learn that I can stop thinking about what is wrong and start thinking about what is right. I can count my blessings instead of my curses. And I've learned that my curses usually eventually turn out to be yet more blessings in disguise.

Now, maybe you might say that it is silly; that it's all just in my Pollyanna head. And, I would have to agree with you on that. I've made up my mind see the best in everything and everyone. I've chosen to save myself by feeling love and compassion instead of fear and anger for the people and things that bother me. (Sometimes it is harder than others, but I'm practicing). What's more, I can choose to focus on the people and things that I easily love and enjoy: My family, my friends, my blessings.

I hold the key.

And so do you, despite whatever wicked witch or wizard may be dogging you.

Remembering Who We Really Are

2011-06-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we feel lost. We feel a dissonance, a malaise. We feel unsure, anxious, afraid of the future. When this happens, it is helpful to remember who we are. Of course, to remember who we are presupposes that we have actually forgotten who we are, and furthermore, that we knew who we were in the first place.

How about you? Can you tell me who you are?

Oh sure, you can tell me all kinds of things about yourself: Your name, your age, your occupation, where you were born, where you live, the names of your favorite team, singing group, television show or movie. I can see it all right there on your Facebook page. But in your heart of hearts, do you remember that perfect, beautiful life force that is you? Do you remember that you are a child of this Universe, innocent and pure and free? Do you remember that you are part of something greater than the trials and tribulations you experience out here in this seemingly harsh world? Have you forgotten that you are more than just a body going through motions in time and space?

Easy to forget, isn't it?

In Stephen King's, Dark Tower series of novels, when a character goes off course or does something kind of lame, the main character Roland or someone would say, "You have forgotten the face of your father." In other words, you have forgotten what you are made of and that you are a child of the Universe, a creation of God.

As hard as we may try to center ourselves and listen to that quiet, all knowing voice that says, "Be. Live. Fear not. Everything is the way it is supposed to be. Pay attention to the lesson. Don't Panic!" What we often do is get lost in the hustle and bustle, rushing everywhere, doing, worrying, doubting ourselves, blaming others, being afraid. We forget to be patient with ourselves and the people we interact with. We forget to listen. We forget that we have a calling, a dream, a purpose. We get bogged down in the details of muddling through this life.

But it doesn't have to be that way. At least not all the time.

We can remember who we are and that no matter what anyone might say or do to us, we are deserving of peace, love and happiness. In fact, that is exactly what we are: Peace, love, happiness, light. We have been right here all the time. We have just forgotten.

We can't feel that inner peace unless we stop and remember who we are. No one can remember for us. It is up to each one of us to realize that we are not our job description, we are not grades on a report card, we are not whatever numbers we have in our financial portfolio.

What we need to do a little everyday is pause, and think. And remember.

Remember that we are perfect, lovable, forgivable souls--no matter what we have done or what mistakes we may have made. All living things are connected and holy and beautiful. Our main purpose is to love each other and ourselves and to be happy. It doesn't always seem that way and it may take a lot of practice. But, no matter what we need to do, no matter when the deadlines are or how many errands we need to run, we can take a moment and breathe and check in and be mindful that underneath it all, we are still that shining light. We are worthy human beings.

Think about that the next time someone annoys, irritates or angers you. Because the same goes for them. It's hard sometimes, I know. But if you remember who and what you truly are, it will be easier to have compassion and forgiveness for others. That is your blessing and your miracle and the answer to the real problem that is keeping you stuck.

So, don't forget.

Forgiveness is Healing: The Quest for Inner Peace

2011-06-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

‎"Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions."

--Dr. Gerald Jampolsky, Psychiatrist and founder (together with his wife, Psychologist Diane Circincione) of the International Center for Attitudinal Healing (ICAH)

The other day, while I was looking for inspiration, I found the above quote of Dr. Gerald Jampolsky. As a seeker of inner peace, this quote spoke to me. These words seem on their face pretty clear: Let go of hate and anger. Forgive others for any past wrongs, real or imagined, and feel calmer and more in control of your life.

So, I get letting go of the past. But what does it mean to correct our misperceptions? Misperceptions of what? I decided to learn a little more about this Jerry Jampolsky felllow and his philosophies to see what I could use. This is what I found:

At his website, http://www.jerryjampolsky.com, Jerry and his wife Diane entitle their homepage: "Attitudinal Healing." That makes sense to me, too. Have the right attitude and it will help you heal. I've read enough self help books to know about all that. In fact, Jerry and Diane have apparently written several books of their over the past few decades with such titles as Change Your Mind, Change Your Life; Love is Letting Go of Fear; Good-Bye to Guilt: Releasing Fear Through Forgiveness; and Love is the Answer: Creating Positive Relationships. These writings are originally inspired by and expound upon the famous A Course in Miracles self study spiritual program which also speaks of the concept of using forgiveness to correct our misperceptions. Dr. Jampolsky worked on a version of this course with the also-famous inner-peace guru, Maryanne Williamson.

Patricia Robinson, co-founder of the International Center for Attitudinal Healing describes it thus:

"In relationships...our ego mind says that we are being attacked. The fact, however, is that there are no true realities, only perceptions... it is only our own perceptions that make us feel that we are being attacked. We have the choice to fill up with the powerful love energy so that we are able to not even have to defend ourselves."

In other words, we can choose to decide that we are not under attack and let harsh words roll off our backs as we recognize that the people saying the words are really saying that they are unhappy or anxious or confused and that they need our compassion. Think about it. When your child is angry that you have put him in a time out or taken away a favorite toy as a punishment, he might yell, "I HATE YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVER!" Obviously, your child does not really hate you and you are not really the worst mother ever and it is easy to forgive this child for saying such words because we know that this is something that children sometimes say when they are frustrated or over-tired. It's not really about us, it's about them.

So then why can't we apply this concept to grown ups? I'm thinking Dr. Jerry is saying that we can. In fact, if you choose to, you can decide to not let anything anyone does to you offend you. At the very least, after you've rolled around in the pain of it for a while, you can just release it and let it go. It's a choice. And a very empowering one.

So then when we say that through forgiveness we correct our misperceptions, we are correcting the misperceptions that we have been attacked or harmed or sinned against. Because once we get to the place where we are OK with ourselves and everything that we are, we will perceive that the harm or attack or sin was just an expression of fear. It wasn't really about us, it doesn't really exist except in our minds. And we can choose peace instead of outrage or anger or fear on our own part.

There is also the concept that we have the misperceptions as humans that there is an "us" and a "them," that we are separate, competing entities, instead of one human family. When we forgive ourselves and others (even if they don't forgive us back), we get in touch with the God-like spark inside of us, of which we are all supposed to be a part. By forgiving another, we are actually forgiving ourselves. And when we forgive another, we are actually healing ourselves.

I think I need to learn some more about this. I'll let you know what I find out. I picked up my own copy of A Course in Miracles and have ordered the works of Jerry Jampolski and Maryanne Williamson from Amazon.com to supplement my summer reading. I'm on my way to get me some more of that there inner peace. I'll try to bring you back a slice.

Making Your Own Luck

2011-06-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how it's much more fun to give presents to people who really know how to receive? Whereas it's no fun at all to give to those who don't appreciate your generosity? Don't you just love to be around the person who acknowledges your contributions? Doesn't it make you want to keep on doing your best for them? When my children or my husband thank me for any reason, my heart just melts and I want to do even more for them.

However, if I go to the trouble to, say, make a special dinner, and all I get is complaints and a refusal to eat what is served. Guess what? Momma ain't gonna cook no more (well, at least until tomorrow night).

This is the other side of the coin. The person who doesn't appreciate you. The person who constantly finds fault with you. How much are you enjoying being around that person? I'd have to guess not very much. The person who does not graciously accept your gifts, either material, or of time and love, the person who criticizes and complains about everything not being good enough. You know what you want to give them, right? Bupkis.

Now, I can't pretend to know how the Universe really works. I just have a hunch that maybe we all can create our own luck by being happy and grateful with what we already have. Hey, at least it's a start. Besides, sometimes when my kids ask me for more toys, for example. What's my reaction? "Well, I haven't seen you play with the toys you already have. Maybe if I felt you appreciated the things you have, I would be inclined to get you more." I know it's kind of a paradox. Need less, get more. Although this is probably a bad example because my son usually wears me down and we end up with a trip to Wal-mart for another pack of Pokemon cards anyway, and to even things out a Tiger Beat magazine with Justin Bieber all over the cover for my daughter. And then they are really thankful and huggy and saying how I am the best mommy in the world. OK, so they've got my number, don't they?

Regardless, when you stop to list all that you really have, don't you then realize that you have much more than you originally thought? What if when you fail to appreciate all the blessings in your life, the Universe actually says in return, "Oh yeah? So it's like that, is it? Well, fine, forgetaboutit." Now is God really going to give you the shaft for not being thankful? I seriously doubt it. But then again, I would suspect that those most generous with their prayers--especially for others--enjoy a bonanza of peace and love.

Expressing gratitude. What could it hurt? Even if it's not the case that being thankful for what you have gets you more, it sure is much more pleasant going through life as a happy, grateful person than going through life as someone who is never satisfied with anything. I know that I personally would rather hang around with the happy, grateful person than with the whining, complaining stick in the mud. Wouldn't you?

So create some luck for yourself today. Take stock of what you have going on for yourself. Smile and express your gratitude any way you can. I'm willing to bet that even if you don't get more, you'll feel like you have a lot more. Your heart will fill with joy. Your cup will runneth over. And it won't even cost you a dime.