The Divorce Coach's Corner

What I've Learned From Harry Potter

2012-01-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

I love being a mom. Not just because of the miracle of giving life and the overpowering, unconditional and unparalleled love that I feel for my children. Although that's all pretty cool, motherhood rocks because of all the things you get to do, read and learn about when you have kids. When your kids are tiny you enjoy all of what Blue and Dora have to teach you. I bopped to the Wiggles and Barney without worrying about looking ridiculous, because being a parent gives you free license to be as silly and fun as you want. After all, it's for the kids (wink, wink).

As my kids have gotten older, their tastes in books and music have obviously matured with them, so we now dance together to the Black Eyed Peas and LMFAO, and in the last year and a half we finally bought into the Harry Potter hype. When the Harry Potter theme park originally opened at Universal Studios in Orlando, we were probably the only people we knew who didn't care. However, at the start of my son's first grade year, we made our way to Hogwarts and reading in my house hasn't been the same since.

We devoured all of J.K. Rowling's books as a family. We would finish a book, then watch the corresponding movie. We finished the 7th book just in time to catch the last movie at our local theater. I'm not sure who was more enchanted by this fascinating orphaned wizard and his adventures, me or my son. But after we had finished all seven books, watched all eight movies, and made a point to enjoy a butterbeer in the Wizarding World, I turned around and started reading the books all over again by myself.

It's just that I wanted more time with this wise, brave and relatable little boy who, despite his trials and tribulations, despite being picked on and bullied by many and hunted by He Who Must Not Be Named, never gives up on his fellow man. Harry never leaves anyone to die, be they friend or foe. His actions that leave the greatest impression on me occur in the Second Task of the Triwizard Tournament in Chapter 26 of the 4th book, Goblet of Fire. Here, four hostages are tied up at the bottom of the lake and each of four champions, one of them Harry, is supposed to rescue his or her own hostage and return to the surface as quickly as possible. Although Harry reaches the hostages first, he stays at the bottom of the lake to help free them all, not just Ron Weasley. Harry ends up being the last champion to make it back (with the exception of Fleur, whose little sister Harry rescues since Fleur had been thwarted by the grindylows). Although technically Harry should get the third lowest marks, he ties for first place, because most of the judges determine that Harry's actions have demonstrated moral fiber.

I'm sure I will be taken to task by more traditional attorneys who believe only in the zealous advocacy of their clients, but I believe in my heart that Harry's actions during the Triwizard Tournament are a parable for how law should be practiced, especially in the family law context. To me the hostages at the bottom of the lake can be said to represent a family tied up in a divorce or other litigation. Although each of the hostages had a champion, whom we can say are the lawyers, the lawyer with the strongest moral fiber was the one who made sure that everyone survived and made it safely to the surface. Now Harry was chastised by some who said that he should only have worried about his own hostage because The System wouldn't have really let any of the hostages perish. Harry feels like maybe he was stupid not to believe in the security of the system, for no one surely would have been allowed to drown. Or would they? But Harry's gut told him to help other people, even if it technically wasn't his responsibility and you have to love the boy for that.

Other than Harry, the person who inspires me the most at Hogwarts is its headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore never loses his temper or gives up on people. He never yells at anyone no matter how dire the situation. He always keeps his head and maintains a handle on things, with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face. Regardless of the circumstances, even when he knows he is about to meet his death, he doesn't panic. Oh, how I aspire to be as even-keeled and wise as Albus Dumbledore. How I wish I could be as benevolent and forgiving in the face of my detractors.

Yes, I've learned a lot from Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore, and I would never have had the good fortune to meet them, if I hadn't become a mom.

Come on in, the Future is Fine.

2011-12-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

This one is going to take a little more creativity and thought. Last time I wrote a letter to my 22 year old self. But what would my 62 year old self want my 42 year old self to know right now?

Dear Brooke (age 42):

Greetings from 2031! Yes, the world is still here and humanity is chugging along quite nicely. Although some things will never change, all in all humans are evolving. We have achieved so much in 20 years and you are personally doing splendidly. In fact, your life is everything you hoped it would be. No regrets. You are in the ideal position to answer your life calling and--although the path is sometimes fuzzy--your trajectory in 2011 really is leading you just where you want to go. So this is what I have to say to you. Listen:

Stop worrying! Sometimes you can see how far you've come and sometimes you are just too hard on yourself. Where you are in your life right now is perfect. It is a wonderful time. You will look back at this time in your life with great fondness. Your children are at such a fun age and you are enjoying them immensely. This is a good thing. A great thing. So you worry that you aren't accomplishing as much as you should professionally, that you should be making more money, that you should be more "successful." Do us both a favor and stop "shoulding" all over the place. You need to see that you already are successful. You are on the right track. It's not about the money right now. It's about your kids. Remind yourself of one of your favorite facts: Even United States Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor took several years off to raise her children. I'm not sitting here at 62 saying, "Gee, I should have spent more time at the office and less time with Macie and Lucas." You know what my perspective is in 2031? This is it: I can't believe my babies are all grown up. It just flew by so fast. I'm so glad I didn't miss it. The school-age years were such precious times. I wouldn't trade them for all the money, power or conventional success in the world. In 2011 they are 8 and 10 years old. In 2031 they are 28 and 30 years old. Happy, healthy, productive good citizens blessed with a terrific, nurturing childhood contributed to largely in part by having had joyful, loving and involved parents. Congratulations! You are doing the right thing by prioritizing your children at this time in your and their lives. Besides your business is doing just fine and it's only going to get better. As you have more time to devote to building your career, your career will grow and thrive. You have the perfect work/life balance right now. So quit worrying. Everything is progressing the way it should. It's all going to come together beautifully. You'll see.

Stop feeling guilty! What is it with you? Why is it that whatever you are doing, you think you ought to be doing something else? Can't you see that whatever you are doing is what you are supposed to be doing right now? That is why you are doing it. When you are working, you feel you should be exercising. When you are exercising, you feel you should be working. When you are resting, you feel like you should be doing something "more productive." You are actually doing a rather fabulous job of having it all. You have everything you need. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Enjoy the moment. Be mindful of whatever you are doing at the time you are doing it. There is time for everything. One step at a time. Have a little more faith in your choices. Cut yourself some slack.

Stop being afraid! There is nothing to fear. You may not always be able to control what happens to you but you are always able to choose how you will react to it. Know that you will face whatever comes your way and you will handle it with grace and dignity. You will make the most of everything life hands you. You have always exhibited resilience in the face of adversity and you will continue to do so. Believe in yourself and what you stand for. Stay true to yourself and your message. Don't let the naysayers and adversaries bring you down. Listen to whatever criticism you can use to improve and grow and let go of the rest. Align yourself with people who will mentor and support you. Friends and teachers are all around you. Ask for help and you shall receive it. It all comes together when it is supposed to. Remember that "o fim sempre da certo"--everything always works out in the end. It is only a matter of seeing it as so, remembering that there is a lesson to be learned, learning it and moving on. You've always been good at seeing and learning and incorporating new information. Keep the faith.

The cool thing about being 62 is that it is much easier now to internalize these concepts and be at peace with myself. At 42, although you know intellectually that I speak true, you still struggle to stay in the moment. You have to keep practicing patience, tolerance and compassion as well as loving and forgiving yourself and others; but trust me, you are well on your way. Be happy knowing that you will be everything you want to be when the time is right. You know how you wish you were smarter, wiser, and more Zen-like? You know how you wish you had 20 more years of experience? I'm happy to report that age provides for this. You got it. It's just that time takes time.

So please enjoy your 40s and stop second-guessing yourself. This is a beautiful time for you. Appreciate it. Also, your instincts are great. They have never steered you wrong. I know you can't see the future from where you are, but I can promise you it will be a bright one. Everything is as it should be. I should know, right? Now you know this: I am proud of the woman that you are right now as well as the woman you are becoming. And the best is indeed yet to come, so relax and hang in there, Sister. I'm rooting for you.

Much love, Brooke (age 62)

Letters to Myself

2011-12-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

What if we really could travel in time and visit our older or younger selves? What wisdom could we share? What comfort could we provide? What advice would we give? First I thought it would be fun to travel back twenty years to December 1991 where I am 22 years old and a graduate assistant at the University of Florida's Center for Latin American Studies. This is an exciting time for me as I am waiting to embark on a year of scholarship and travel in South America, first with a Fulbright fellowship program in Belo Horizonte, Brazil and then as a Rotary International Ambassadorial Scholar of Good Will in Buenos Aires, Argentina:

Dear Brooke (age 22):
Greetings from 2011! I smile as I think about you. The world is literally at your feet. As a Latin American Studies and Spanish major at the University of Virginia, you were bitten hard by the travel bug and you are taking it as far as you can go. Although the economy is terrible, you have brilliantly found a way to continue to travel and study culture and languages without having to get a real job. You are old enough to enjoy all the perks and freedoms of adulthood and young enough to not yet know the burdens of taxes and mortgages and other grown-up responsibilities. Hurray!

At this point you are still the Golden Girl. Everything always works out for you. Nothing bad ever happens to you. You are still in your age of innocence. You have yet to know real pain and suffering. Life is easy and happy, although you still manage to fret over things like your weight, boyfriends and that one professor you got assigned to work with because nobody else wanted to deal with her insanity, and you are the low woman on the totem poll. You can handle it.

Just soak it up, Baby! Enjoy the bliss of the innocent. You are having experiences, visiting places and making friends you will carry with you for the rest of your life. You love who you are and so far your life is everything you hoped it would be. Travel. Explore. Learn. Live. Things are going to continue to go your way, for the most part. You are young and beautiful and educated and free. You don't have to worry about anything yet, and why should you? 1992 will be your most amazing year yet.

Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but these are the days that will shore you up when the Tragedy happens. This makes no sense to you now, but in another year or two you will finally know grief and loss. Your eyes will be opened. You will understand for the first time true pain and suffering. You think you already know these things but you don't. The shell around your soul will break open and you will have a greater awakening about the Universe. But don't worry, you will be okay. In fact, this will prove to be the pivotal experience that makes you a deeper, wiser, more empathic and spiritual person. After experiencing this true loss and grief, you will learn more about yourself and how to pick up the pieces when life falls apart and how to keep moving on. This will prove to be an inspiration to others. You will reclaim your happiness and continue on in your journey of this wonderful gift that is your life. When you are in your deepest pain, try to remember your life as it is now in 1991 and 1992. Remember that who you are right now is your true self.

And don't worry, even with the Tragedy in 1993, you still have a few more years of travel and study and adventure. You will fall in and out of love several times yet. More of your dreams will come true. You will make it into and graduate from Harvard Law School, where you will meet more amazing people and do more amazing things. In fact, until your graduation from law school in 1996, these are the times you will look back on wistfully when your obligations and priorities change first to making money and then to being married and raising your children.

Actually, despite your dreams and intentions of creating world peace and building infrastructure in developing countries, you are actually going to go the corporate route. Despite your world travels, Corporate America is going to be the biggest culture shock of your princess life. You will get your butt kicked. You will question and doubt yourself, lose sight of the Golden Girl that you are and feel a lot less interesting and brilliant than your former self. But this all serves a purpose. Another great awakening. The real world can't wait forever and learning doesn't stop just because you graduate from school. Besides, your dreams and goals will change and you will decide to forgo that international trajectory for staying close to home, marrying the all-American boy next door, having 2.3 kids and a house and yard with a white picket fence. So don't cry too long over the boys who will break your heart and stop fretting over things like your weight and whether or not you will ever meet Mr. Right. You will, you will. Just go and do and be. Have your travels and adventures.

Writing to you from 2011, I can tell you that the economy is the pits again, and your wanderlust is in check because your kids aren't old enough to appreciate exotic places yet, and even if they were, you and your husband are too busy putting all that money towards their college education and a mortgage payment to feel like you can spend the money anyhow. So enjoy your 20-something freedom and do not fret, even though you will eventually face some great life-altering challenges. Your life force is very strong and will continue to be so despite what comes. So, keep making wonderful memories to squirrel away for those middle-aged years when you have to be more responsible. Do I make it sound boring? Not at all. Marriage and motherhood are their own special adventure you will not want to miss. You think you are having a good time now? Believe me, nothing you will ever do will be as awesome is being a mom. You'll see.

But for right now, you have so much to look forward to. You will never be this young again. I'm really excited for you and your bright future. Always appreciate it, for you are truly blessed.
Oh, and when you and Laura are on that bus in Bolivia don't just stop at Lake Titicaca, go all the way into Peru and climb Machu Picchu while you still can. Despite my best intentions, it's 2011 and I still haven't made it back. Perhaps there is still time. Maybe I'll take the family.
Love, Brooke (age 42)

A Season of Thankfulness

2011-11-11T17:38:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to count our blessings, although being thankful is arguably something we should practice year round. I find that there is nothing quite like making a list of all I am thankful for to cheer me and create a feeling of peace. I want to pass this on to my children. In fact, it's only Veterans Day and my children had already started rumbling about what they want to get under the tree. So I told them that before I would entertain any discussion of their Chanukah/Christmas list, they would have to sit down and make a Gratitude List of at least 100 things for which they were thankful.

And they did. Actually, they had a pretty good time of it and found it was a relatively easy exercise once they got started. After my 8 year old son read me his list (of 102!) I asked him how he felt about the assignment. He replied that it had been a good exercise for both his head and his hand, and that it surprisingly didn't hurt either body part.

Try it. Once you get going, you'll find it is quite easy to realize all that you are thankful for. The list will inevitably include members of your family, fond friends, favorite foods, places and things, shelter, clothing and physical and mental health. Freedom. Feet. Eyes. Trees. The ocean. And on and on.

Now, let's kick it up a notch and try to be thankful for a few things we might not normally think of. This isn't quite as easy, but here's the start of a slightly unconventional thank you list, which might be useful whenever life seems less than perfect:

1. I am thankful for laundry. There is perhaps no greater household drudgery than doing the laundry, however, if I have laundry to do, it means I and my family have clothes to wear and that we had the opportunity to both acquire and to wear them.

2. I am thankful for taxes. Let's face it, nobody wants to pay them and yet we need services like police and fire, roads and schools. If I have a tax bill, it means I earned an income, which is more than some millions of unemployed Americans can say.

3. I am thankful for all the times my heart was broken. Oh yes, I suffered such heartbreak back in the day. But if I had married any of those guys, I would never have met and married my awesome husband. He was definitely worth the wait.

4. I am thankful for the times as a child that I felt awkward, shy and picked on. As an adult it has given me great empathy for others. I try to make an effort to reach out in most social situations. I like that about myself.

5. I am thankful for those really really bad times. While I hope they never come back, they have led me to appreciate all that life has to offer and have showed me that whatever the circumstances, whatever the loss, I have everything I need right here and life will go on.

6. I am thankful for when my children wake me up in the middle of the night or cry, whine, complain to, argue with or pester me. Although I prefer our more polite conversations and words of affection, when they are not their best selves with me, I know that my children are living, thinking human beings who are not afraid to communicate with me and that they feel safe expressing to me their needs and wants.

7. I am thankful for all the people in my life who have challenged me, pushed me, given me grief or made my life miserable. For as much as I love and appreciate the people who have caressed and coddled me and built me up, I've probably learned my greatest lessons and improved the most from my critics and my detractors. (Although I'm still going to choose to hang out with the people who are nice to me and limit my exposure to toxic or negative people, I'm not crazy).

8. I am thankful for all the times I have fallen down both literally and figuratively, for as wonderfully thrilling as my successes have been, it is the times that I have had to get back up and brush off my dignity and pride that I have truly learned to be a champion.

Of course, we would rather only have good things happen to us and to only know peace and prosperity. I sure do hope we all get some more of that in life. But let's face it, not so good stuff is going to happen too. Laundry and taxes are a fact of life. People die, get ill or hurt or in trouble. At times we will all experience a little hunger, thirst, cold, setback or heartbreak.

But if we can learn to be somehow thankful for whatever comes, we will hopefully be able to find our happiness regardless of the season.

Fueling the Spark

2011-11-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

Kevin Houchin, Esq. wants lawyers and law students to succeed in their personal and professional lives. He has written two books, both entitled Fuel the Spark. One is aimed at law students, and subtitled, 5 Guiding Values for Success in Law School & Beyond (2009, Kevin E. Houchin, Esq.). The other is aimed at lawyers and subtitled, 5 Guiding Values for Success in Law & Life (2009, Kevin E. Houchin, Esq.). Both books are short and aimed at getting those either entering or already entrenched in the legal profession to consider their values and to apply them to their lives so that they can be happier, healthier and more successful in their law practice. He also wants them to have more fun.

What's not to like?

Mr. Houchin (an entertainment and intellectual property lawyer you can learn more about at www.kevinhouchin.com) would like these books to be required law school reading, and I don't blame him. I have encountered innumerable legal practitioners who started having existential crises the moment they graduated law school. I myself started feeling when I left law school and entered Corporate America that I was no longer the interesting person I used to be, the person I liked before I became a lawyer. It has personally taken years of struggle and honest reflection to build a happy, balanced life for myself.

As Mr. Houchin recognizes, I am not alone. His answer is to highlight 5 guiding values and work up short programs and exercises to help the law student and legal practitioner contemplate and come home to his or herself, or at least remember who they are so they don't stray too far from themselves in the first place. He writes with enthusiasm, brevity and wit, which is much appreciated by the reader. Without digression he illuminates his 5 core values (keys to success) which are to (1) Accept responsibility for one's life; (2) Show up; (3) Pay 100% attention; (4) Have many irons in the fire; and (5) Give back (Stewardship).

As I teach an Introduction to Law class at the Florida Institute of Technology in Melbourne, Florida, I have come close to answering Mr. Houchin's dream by making his books recommended (but not required) reading and spending one day of class time discussing the principles contained therein with my students. I have even gifted one of his books to a very grateful friend who had just been accepted into law school and would give a copy as a graduation present to any law student I truly cared about.

As for my Introduction to Law class, Fuel the Spark makes for an interesting and thought-provoking discussion with students. It is important to encourage students to think about what values really matter to them. I have even had students indicate that the values highlighted by Mr. Houchin are not the only relevant values and that they might prefer to choose the values they felt mattered most to them rather than the values prescribed by someone else.

All the better.

Fuel the Spark encouraged my students to consider their own values. I loved that they were inspired to begin thinking about qualities that matter to them in life. After all, isn't getting students to analyze and think for themselves what education is all about? And unlike some other disciplines, law is not about "solving for X," but rather identifying and evaluating different perspectives and articulating them in understandable, compelling and persuasive ways. Not only do the Fuel the Spark books get students to think about their own values, they beseech them to formulate how they will make a positive impact in the world utilizing their strengths and talents.

A worthy exercise for anyone, I submit.

The Fuel the Spark aimed at lawyers also makes for an excellent continuing legal education seminar in ethics and professional responsibility. I would certainly utilize it for any law student or lawyer that came to me for coaching and mentoring.

So I give kudos to Kevin Houchin for creating these straight-forward and easy reads for lawyers and law students. I hope he realizes his dream of having one or the other become required law school reading as I would like to see a more self-actualized and less stressed-out bar.

The Beauty of the Rain

2011-10-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

It is raining today. For many people this is a depressing, sad, annoying or inconvenient situation.

But not for me.

I've always loved the rain. It has always felt like liquid peace to me. When I was about 6 years old, I placed a child sized chair in my little red wagon, wheeled it into the front yard and sat there under an oversized umbrella. After first taking a picture, my mother made me come back in the house, where I instead opened up the garage door, set up my chair at the edge and watched Mother Nature's show.

When I was about 22 and a graduate student at the University of Florida's Center for Latin American Studies, my boyfriend at the time and I took our umbrellas and made a hike through the rain in one of the area parks. We felt alive and adventurous and in control of our destinies.

At some point as a graduate student or law student, on one of my journeys to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, it was raining on the beach in Ipanema. Rather than let it bother me, I let the rain soak me as I sat on top of a giant rock and gazed out at the sea. I may have look bedraggled, but I felt completely free.

I've been through all sorts of trials and tribulations in life, not to the extent of many people in this world, but enough to call my own. For example, about a week before I was to start Harvard Law School in 1993, I had a horrible car accident while on a weekend road trip in which the boyfriend from the University of Florida was thrown from the car. I watched helplessly in the middle of the grassy highway median as he died. An ambulance took me away to a hospital where I didn't know anyone. In shock and far from home, I waited several hours until my mom and dad could come for me. No one would give me a straight answer when I asked about my boyfriend.

Except for some minor scratches and bruises, I emerged from the accident physically unharmed. But my spirit broke that day and some part of me died along with my boyfriend. My golden girl innocence had shattered. Of course, I had been lucky to have held on to my childlike wonder for as long as I had. Now I was hollow and devastated. My parents packed me off to law school anyway, which turned out to be the right decision. My life had to go on and though I now saw the world with different eyes, somehow I would have to make it through.

Even during the depths of my despair, I knew that the death of my ability to feel boundless happiness and joy would only be a kind of temporary death, like when winter comes and the leaves are off the trees, all is barren and seemingly dead, especially in a Massachusetts winter. And yet, a tiny spark of hope managed to hang on inside me through the depression and anxiety I felt over the next year, which would peak through in the quiet moments when I was no longer able to keep them squashed under a frenzy of activity and distraction. Down deep I knew that eventually spring would come back to my soul, and my spirit would one day blossom again.

Now when it rained, I would feel my lost friend in the raindrops, a friend that was loving and kind to me and who wanted to protect and comfort me. A friend telling me one dark and dreary November day in Cambridge as I lay listless and forlorn on my dorm room bed unable to focus on preparing for law school exams, not sure how I was going to make it through, that it was time to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Somehow I was able to receive this gentle message. And so I tried, and so I did. I don't know how, but I made it through and here I am.

Today I have the most wonderful husband and amazing kids. I have meaningful work that I love helping people. I have friends that I cherish; family that supports me unconditionally; community that gives me purpose and never lets me feel alone. Sure, I've had to deal with some stuff that I won't go into here. Especially since the stuff is not completely over. But it doesn't matter if it is over or if it's not. It's okay if it's still raining.

Let it rain down on me. I welcome the refreshing shower and am happy to be washed clean. The rain didn't stop the itsy bitsy spider and it doesn't have to stop you or me. Besides, if there are only sunshiny times in our life then we will not be able to fully feel joy.

As the Lebanese poet, Khalil Gibran wrote in his timeless book, The Prophet, with regard to Joy and Sorrow, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

And as to Pain, he wrote:

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that your heart must stand in the sun, so must you know pain...And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."

And you are still free to dance in the rain and play in the snow like you did as an innocent happy child. Storms always pass. Winter never lasts. You can't control the weather or your circumstances, but you can control your attitude about them and remember that no matter how cold and wet it might get, the brilliant sun inside your heart is still shining there beneath the storm clouds, and it will come out again.

Because the Sky is Blue

2011-07-11T06:38:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl going to bed in summertime, I would ask my mom to leave the shutters open on my window, so that I could look up into the beautiful blue sky. I would gaze up at the sky and feel at peace. "Mommy, I want to look at the blue!" I would say.

When I was a teenager and young adult, I would take walks after dinner with my father as the sun was setting. Sometimes we would walk over the bridge. Sometimes we would do a circuit along the Indian River Lagoon, across the barrier island and back along the ocean. We would have long, soulful talks and I remember telling him that I didn't see how anyone could be unhappy when the sky was so beautiful.

I would wonder to myself, "Does it make sense that I am happy because I love the sky?"

Now that I am older and wiser I realize that it makes complete and perfect sense.

By loving the sky, you are loving the Universe and all that is in it, including yourself. What I want you to remember is that you are the beautiful, infinite and vast sky. The sky itself is never actually gray. That is an illusion caused by the storm clouds passing through. The sky beyond the clouds is always blue. Respect the clouds as they pass through, yet remember that they are not you.

You are the sky.

Love Is Never A Mistake

2011-07-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

"When you came together at the time it was meant to be. It was not a mistake. Your children are not a mistake. The life you built together was not a mistake. If it is time to move on, then let's move on, but let's honor the past as we look to the future."

I always tell my clients this when they come in to see me for the first time. I just feel in my heart that this has to be true and this is why I feel called to be a peacemaker and healer for divorcing couples and why I can no longer bring myself to practice law. I just can't take sides. I just don't see the point of fighting. Luckily, there are plenty of skilled lawyers out there who can advise divorcing people of their legal rights. I refer individuals to them often and God bless them. Their work is not easy.

As for me, when a couple is divorcing, I see only too clearly that what we have here is a family. Even if there were no children born of the marriage, the couple was a family to each other. They shared their lives and their love with each other for however long. They learned from each other. They are who they are today because they came into each other's lives. Despite whatever pain and suffering they may have advertantly or inadvertantly caused each other, there was also joy and laughter. There are good memories as well as bad, and if they have children together, then there are still many memories to be made special. They owe their children the decency of honoring and respecting one another.

What I want couples to know is that they came together for a reason. They walked on the same path for the time that they did in order to grow spiritually. If I am not mistaken, many therapists indicate that people come together to help heal their pains from childhood, most often marrying people with traits like their own parents. So even if now the couple has grown apart, I feel a moral obligation to honor, respect and cherish the marriage, even as it is ending. I feel strongly the need to empower the couple to move on in a mature and healthy way, to help them forgive each other as well as their own selves.

By forgiving one another, not only do they heal themselves, they demonstrate for others the way to peace. For the only way to peace is to first make peace with oneself.

Just imagine what the world would be like if more people were at peace with themselves? What would happen if people didn't feel the need to "punish" others for slings and arrows, real or imagined? What if people could let go of the Ego and instead say to their spouse, "Thank you for having taught me. Thank you for helping me grow. I wish for you peace and love and happiness. May it be so."

Move on. Move on. Love is never a mistake.

Saving Yourself

2011-06-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

"Once upon a time there was a very friendly princess who was captured by a big, grumpy, invisible wizard,
And he locked her in the tippy top of his tower...
Now this princess got very, very smart after years of thinking in the tower,
and it began to dawn on her that perhaps the invisible wizard wasn't even there.
So she approached the gigantic door that kept her locked into the tower
and she OPENED IT,
and tiptoed carefully down the stairs...
where low and behold she walked into a clearing in the woods and she was free!
And you'll never believe it, but there was an entire village
of forest animals and people dancing and singing.
They had been waiting for her all these years."

--The Roches, Goodnight

Sometimes we feel angry or scared or that the whole world is against us and we don't even know why. When things don't seem to be going our way, it is easy to get trapped into thinking that someone or something is doing it to us. If only this person would stop picking on me...If only that person would go away...If only I had a better job, a better car, better hair...If only (fill in the blank here), I would be (pick one) happier, perfect, rich, okay, saved.

But what if I were to tell you that all those things that are keeping you stuck, all those people who are holding you back, all that baggage that is dragging you down--none of it really matters. No one, no thing, no situation controls you. No one, no thing, no situation is making you miserable. Guess who's really making you miserable?

Yep, you got it: You.

"But, but, but..." I hear you say.

No, it's really you. Trust me.

Now, I know you are not doing it to yourself on purpose. You don't mean to keep yourself stuck. I know you are doing the best you can with what you think you got right now. You think you need more to be happy and you could definitely make some positive changes in your life. Couldn't we all?

Yes and no. Everything you really need, you've had all along. You are golden, just the way you are. You don't need anything else to be happy. Not that you shouldn't feel free to develop and explore your interests. Don't stop striving for your dreams. What you need to know, however, is that there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. Know also that the Big Dream is not the be all and end all. It doesn't really matter if you make it or you don't. It's the journey along the way where all the fun is to be had.

You see, happiness is not for someday in the future when all your dreams come true. Happiness is right there inside you right now. You were born with it. It has always been there. And no one can take it away from you without your permission.

Remember Dorothy and her adventure to the Emerald City? Dorothy made some terrific friends along the way to meet the great and powerful Oz. But the wizard couldn't give her or her friends anything they didn't already have. In fact, it turned out, Dorothy had the means to get herself home to Kansas the whole time. Click, click, click.

And you have the means to get yourself home to happiness. You had it all the time.

Do I make it sound easy? That's because it is (unless there is something chemical or otherwise serious going on. In that case, it's helpful to explore your issues with an experienced doctor, psychologist or therapist). For your garden variety gripes and grouses, however, you may just need to look at your life a different way. I'm not a statistician, but I would say that 90% of life is showing up with the right attitude. No matter what happens to you in your life--and oh, things will happen, it's true--you will have to deal. But it is the manner in which you deal with it that will make all the difference.

I myself have spent many a night trapped in the tower of my racing mind, unable to sleep, tossing and turning, worrying, agonizing, fretting about the future. I've spent days hiding from the world in my office, home or dorm room, not feeling like going out, angry at someone or some situation, fearful of my fate and I can tell you one thing about it:

It was a total waste of my time.

Well, maybe not a total waste. I guess I had to go through it so I could learn to set myself free by changing the channel of my mind; to learn that I can stop thinking about what is wrong and start thinking about what is right. I can count my blessings instead of my curses. And I've learned that my curses usually eventually turn out to be yet more blessings in disguise.

Now, maybe you might say that it is silly; that it's all just in my Pollyanna head. And, I would have to agree with you on that. I've made up my mind see the best in everything and everyone. I've chosen to save myself by feeling love and compassion instead of fear and anger for the people and things that bother me. (Sometimes it is harder than others, but I'm practicing). What's more, I can choose to focus on the people and things that I easily love and enjoy: My family, my friends, my blessings.

I hold the key.

And so do you, despite whatever wicked witch or wizard may be dogging you.

Remembering Who We Really Are

2011-06-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we feel lost. We feel a dissonance, a malaise. We feel unsure, anxious, afraid of the future. When this happens, it is helpful to remember who we are. Of course, to remember who we are presupposes that we have actually forgotten who we are, and furthermore, that we knew who we were in the first place.

How about you? Can you tell me who you are?

Oh sure, you can tell me all kinds of things about yourself: Your name, your age, your occupation, where you were born, where you live, the names of your favorite team, singing group, television show or movie. I can see it all right there on your Facebook page. But in your heart of hearts, do you remember that perfect, beautiful life force that is you? Do you remember that you are a child of this Universe, innocent and pure and free? Do you remember that you are part of something greater than the trials and tribulations you experience out here in this seemingly harsh world? Have you forgotten that you are more than just a body going through motions in time and space?

Easy to forget, isn't it?

In Stephen King's, Dark Tower series of novels, when a character goes off course or does something kind of lame, the main character Roland or someone would say, "You have forgotten the face of your father." In other words, you have forgotten what you are made of and that you are a child of the Universe, a creation of God.

As hard as we may try to center ourselves and listen to that quiet, all knowing voice that says, "Be. Live. Fear not. Everything is the way it is supposed to be. Pay attention to the lesson. Don't Panic!" What we often do is get lost in the hustle and bustle, rushing everywhere, doing, worrying, doubting ourselves, blaming others, being afraid. We forget to be patient with ourselves and the people we interact with. We forget to listen. We forget that we have a calling, a dream, a purpose. We get bogged down in the details of muddling through this life.

But it doesn't have to be that way. At least not all the time.

We can remember who we are and that no matter what anyone might say or do to us, we are deserving of peace, love and happiness. In fact, that is exactly what we are: Peace, love, happiness, light. We have been right here all the time. We have just forgotten.

We can't feel that inner peace unless we stop and remember who we are. No one can remember for us. It is up to each one of us to realize that we are not our job description, we are not grades on a report card, we are not whatever numbers we have in our financial portfolio.

What we need to do a little everyday is pause, and think. And remember.

Remember that we are perfect, lovable, forgivable souls--no matter what we have done or what mistakes we may have made. All living things are connected and holy and beautiful. Our main purpose is to love each other and ourselves and to be happy. It doesn't always seem that way and it may take a lot of practice. But, no matter what we need to do, no matter when the deadlines are or how many errands we need to run, we can take a moment and breathe and check in and be mindful that underneath it all, we are still that shining light. We are worthy human beings.

Think about that the next time someone annoys, irritates or angers you. Because the same goes for them. It's hard sometimes, I know. But if you remember who and what you truly are, it will be easier to have compassion and forgiveness for others. That is your blessing and your miracle and the answer to the real problem that is keeping you stuck.

So, don't forget.

Forgiveness is Healing: The Quest for Inner Peace

2011-06-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

‎"Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions."

--Dr. Gerald Jampolsky, Psychiatrist and founder (together with his wife, Psychologist Diane Circincione) of the International Center for Attitudinal Healing (ICAH)

The other day, while I was looking for inspiration, I found the above quote of Dr. Gerald Jampolsky. As a seeker of inner peace, this quote spoke to me. These words seem on their face pretty clear: Let go of hate and anger. Forgive others for any past wrongs, real or imagined, and feel calmer and more in control of your life.

So, I get letting go of the past. But what does it mean to correct our misperceptions? Misperceptions of what? I decided to learn a little more about this Jerry Jampolsky felllow and his philosophies to see what I could use. This is what I found:

At his website, http://www.jerryjampolsky.com, Jerry and his wife Diane entitle their homepage: "Attitudinal Healing." That makes sense to me, too. Have the right attitude and it will help you heal. I've read enough self help books to know about all that. In fact, Jerry and Diane have apparently written several books of their over the past few decades with such titles as Change Your Mind, Change Your Life; Love is Letting Go of Fear; Good-Bye to Guilt: Releasing Fear Through Forgiveness; and Love is the Answer: Creating Positive Relationships. These writings are originally inspired by and expound upon the famous A Course in Miracles self study spiritual program which also speaks of the concept of using forgiveness to correct our misperceptions. Dr. Jampolsky worked on a version of this course with the also-famous inner-peace guru, Maryanne Williamson.

Patricia Robinson, co-founder of the International Center for Attitudinal Healing describes it thus:

"In relationships...our ego mind says that we are being attacked. The fact, however, is that there are no true realities, only perceptions... it is only our own perceptions that make us feel that we are being attacked. We have the choice to fill up with the powerful love energy so that we are able to not even have to defend ourselves."

In other words, we can choose to decide that we are not under attack and let harsh words roll off our backs as we recognize that the people saying the words are really saying that they are unhappy or anxious or confused and that they need our compassion. Think about it. When your child is angry that you have put him in a time out or taken away a favorite toy as a punishment, he might yell, "I HATE YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVER!" Obviously, your child does not really hate you and you are not really the worst mother ever and it is easy to forgive this child for saying such words because we know that this is something that children sometimes say when they are frustrated or over-tired. It's not really about us, it's about them.

So then why can't we apply this concept to grown ups? I'm thinking Dr. Jerry is saying that we can. In fact, if you choose to, you can decide to not let anything anyone does to you offend you. At the very least, after you've rolled around in the pain of it for a while, you can just release it and let it go. It's a choice. And a very empowering one.

So then when we say that through forgiveness we correct our misperceptions, we are correcting the misperceptions that we have been attacked or harmed or sinned against. Because once we get to the place where we are OK with ourselves and everything that we are, we will perceive that the harm or attack or sin was just an expression of fear. It wasn't really about us, it doesn't really exist except in our minds. And we can choose peace instead of outrage or anger or fear on our own part.

There is also the concept that we have the misperceptions as humans that there is an "us" and a "them," that we are separate, competing entities, instead of one human family. When we forgive ourselves and others (even if they don't forgive us back), we get in touch with the God-like spark inside of us, of which we are all supposed to be a part. By forgiving another, we are actually forgiving ourselves. And when we forgive another, we are actually healing ourselves.

I think I need to learn some more about this. I'll let you know what I find out. I picked up my own copy of A Course in Miracles and have ordered the works of Jerry Jampolski and Maryanne Williamson from Amazon.com to supplement my summer reading. I'm on my way to get me some more of that there inner peace. I'll try to bring you back a slice.

Making Your Own Luck

2011-06-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how it's much more fun to give presents to people who really know how to receive? Whereas it's no fun at all to give to those who don't appreciate your generosity? Don't you just love to be around the person who acknowledges your contributions? Doesn't it make you want to keep on doing your best for them? When my children or my husband thank me for any reason, my heart just melts and I want to do even more for them.

However, if I go to the trouble to, say, make a special dinner, and all I get is complaints and a refusal to eat what is served. Guess what? Momma ain't gonna cook no more (well, at least until tomorrow night).

This is the other side of the coin. The person who doesn't appreciate you. The person who constantly finds fault with you. How much are you enjoying being around that person? I'd have to guess not very much. The person who does not graciously accept your gifts, either material, or of time and love, the person who criticizes and complains about everything not being good enough. You know what you want to give them, right? Bupkis.

Now, I can't pretend to know how the Universe really works. I just have a hunch that maybe we all can create our own luck by being happy and grateful with what we already have. Hey, at least it's a start. Besides, sometimes when my kids ask me for more toys, for example. What's my reaction? "Well, I haven't seen you play with the toys you already have. Maybe if I felt you appreciated the things you have, I would be inclined to get you more." I know it's kind of a paradox. Need less, get more. Although this is probably a bad example because my son usually wears me down and we end up with a trip to Wal-mart for another pack of Pokemon cards anyway, and to even things out a Tiger Beat magazine with Justin Bieber all over the cover for my daughter. And then they are really thankful and huggy and saying how I am the best mommy in the world. OK, so they've got my number, don't they?

Regardless, when you stop to list all that you really have, don't you then realize that you have much more than you originally thought? What if when you fail to appreciate all the blessings in your life, the Universe actually says in return, "Oh yeah? So it's like that, is it? Well, fine, forgetaboutit." Now is God really going to give you the shaft for not being thankful? I seriously doubt it. But then again, I would suspect that those most generous with their prayers--especially for others--enjoy a bonanza of peace and love.

Expressing gratitude. What could it hurt? Even if it's not the case that being thankful for what you have gets you more, it sure is much more pleasant going through life as a happy, grateful person than going through life as someone who is never satisfied with anything. I know that I personally would rather hang around with the happy, grateful person than with the whining, complaining stick in the mud. Wouldn't you?

So create some luck for yourself today. Take stock of what you have going on for yourself. Smile and express your gratitude any way you can. I'm willing to bet that even if you don't get more, you'll feel like you have a lot more. Your heart will fill with joy. Your cup will runneth over. And it won't even cost you a dime.

The Upward Spiral Revisited

2011-05-13T10:48:00.001-07:00

It may or may not surprise you to learn that lawyers leave the profession at almost the same rate that they enter it. In fact, a recent survey of lawyers determined that a large percentage of them are unhappy, with one-third of lawyers indicating they would leave the profession if they could. Why? Their contrary, pessimistic and bombastic style (and that of their colleagues), long hours, and lack of control over their lives are physically and mentally damaging to them and their families. Always having to be right. Always having to win. Always having to do a battle of words and case law with your opponents will wear you down. Is it any wonder that the rate of alcoholism and depression among lawyers is 3.6 times that of the general population? Or that the rate of suicide and divorce among lawyers is higher than in almost any other profession?

And yet law schools continue to churn out lawyers. In fact, I have just finished in this Spring 2011 semester leading my first class of undergraduate students at Florida Institute of Technology as Professor of Introduction to Law and will teach the course again in the Fall. I was charged with enlightening students about what law is, what lawyers and judges do, and how they interact with the rest of our society. My goal was to get them excited about the law. And, though there is plenty to get excited about, I also felt obligated to inform them about the many challenges lawyers face. Before my first day, I was concerned about what I could tell them that wouldn’t send them screaming for the classroom door or have them contemplating pre-med instead of a pre-law concentration. I asked myself what I could tell them so that if and when they did become lawyers some day, they wouldn’t suffer the same fate as thousands of burned-out and unhappy legal practitioners.

I found an answer in a book by Harvey Hyman, J.D., a lawyer who—after practicing plaintiff’s personal injury law for 25 years--was hospitalized for major depression with suicidal thoughts twice in 2007, but came back from the brink and into a more satisfying law practice. His book, The Upward Spiral: Getting Lawyers from Daily Misery to Lifetime Wellbeing (Lawyers’ Wellbeing, Inc., 2010) is a must read for any lawyer or would-be lawyer. Because if we are going to preserve the integrity of the legal profession, we need to start teaching lawyers to take better care of themselves. We also have to make inroads into civilizing the current adversarial and dehumanizing legal culture.

In his book, and on his website dedicated to the wellbeing of lawyers (seewww.lawyerswellbeing.com), Mr. Hyman addresses head on the causes of misery for lawyers, such as the paucity of civility in the profession, the wide-spread use of destructive anger as a weapon, materialism, isolation, loneliness, negativity, formalism and the chronic stress that permeates the typical legal practice. Mr. Hyman not only identifies problems with lawyers and the legal profession; he is also forthcoming with solutions such as having lawyers reevaluate the effectiveness of anger and the compulsion to constantly be in control. In Part II of his book, Mr. Hyman describes in detail how lawyers can create a lifetime of well-being in both their personal and professional lives, through such means as the use and practice of communication without violence, meditation, positive thinking, improving personal and professional relationships, and eating and exercising for optimal mental health.

I love the way Mr. Hyman writes. As I read his book, I found myself underlining and circling almost every other line in his book and making notes such as “so true” and “brilliant” in the margins. Even more often I made stars next to nuggets of wisdom such as “It’s crucial to recognize our responsibility for what we say” and “Try being empathic. It won’t make you less of a lawyer, and it will make you more of a human being.” I even found myself quoting him in my status updates on Facebook. It is fascinating to me how a man can go to hell and back and talk about it in such an illuminating, honest and engaging way.

His arguments on the importance of well-being are most persuasive. It makes sense to me when he says that “Wellbeing is more important than the things our society most prizes, such as material wealth, fame and longevity of years,” which includes “genuine career satisfaction from the ethical pursuit of personally meaningful work; rich societal connectedness…that give one’s life a larger meaning than the pleasure of consumption.” He points out the distorted thinking and oversized egos of many lawyers and their confusion of what “zealous representation” is actually supposed to mean.

He has done extensive research and presents the material in an understandable way. Mr. Hyman intends for his book to help lawyers see and treat other people—and that includes clients and other lawyers—as human beings. What he wants is for lawyers to thrive in every area of their lives. If more lawyers are willing to listen and to implement Mr. Hyman’s strategies, I believe they would be on the road to doing just that.

At the end of the Spring semester, a few of my students indicated to me that they had been inspired to apply to law school. Knowing the quality of their work in my class I am hopeful both for them and for the legal profession. My hope is that more bright and promising young people will find happiness inside the legal profession. After all, there are rights out there that need to be protected.

Hometown News

2011-03-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

Hometown News

Book Review: The Upward Spiral— Getting Lawyers from Daily Misery to Lifetime Wellbeing

2010-12-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

My brother quit the law this week. Just hung it up. The sad thing is that he was one of the greatest trial lawyers I ever met. His clients loved him. They knew he would fight for them. The juries loved him. He really knew how to captivate a courtroom. Of course, it was—and still is—impossible to win an argument with him, a trait that often affected the quality of his relationships.

He was one of the few lawyers who knew the intricacy of every rule of evidence and could effectively use them like a Samurai wields a sword. My brother really knew how to get that “not guilty” verdict. He could really sell it to them.

Yes, he was passionate about the law and believed in it. When we were growing up, he watched shows like Perry Mason and Matlock. He took it personally when someone’s rights were being violated. He was something of a crusader. He fought his battles (mostly) in the courtroom and he usually won. But his victories came at a great personal cost. He was stressed out, miserable and tired of fighting. And he’s not alone. Lawyers leave the profession at almost the same rate they enter it.

A large percentage of lawyers are unhappy with one-third indicating they would leave the profession if they could. Their contrary, pessimistic and bombastic style (and that of other lawyers), long hours, and lack of control over their lives are physically and mentally damaging to them and their families. Always having to be right. Always having to win. Always having to do a battle of words and case law with your opponents will wear you down. Is it any wonder that the rate of alcoholism and depression among lawyers is 3.6 times that of the general population? Or that the rate of suicide and divorce among lawyers is higher than in almost any other profession?

And yet law schools continue to churn out lawyers. In fact, in less than one month, I myself am going to teach my first class of pre-law students at Florida Institute of Technology as Professor of Introduction to Law. I’m supposed to teach them what law is, what lawyers do, and how they interact with the rest of our society. I’m supposed to get them excited about the law. And, though there is plenty to get excited about, won’t I also have to tell them about the challenges lawyers face? What can I tell them that won’t send them screaming for the classroom door or have them contemplate pre-med instead? What can I tell them so that when they DO become lawyers, they won’t suffer the same fate as my brother and thousands of burned-out lawyers like him?

I think I might have found an answer in a book by Harvey Hyman, J.D., a lawyer who—after practicing plaintiff’s personal injury law for 25 years--was hospitalized for major depression with suicidal thoughts twice in 2007, but came back from the brink and into a more satisfying law practice. His book, The Upward Spiral: Getting Lawyers from Daily Misery to Lifetime Wellbeing (Lawyers’ Wellbeing, Inc., 2010) is a must read for any lawyer or would-be lawyer. Because if we are going to preserve the integrity of the legal profession, we need to start teaching lawyers to take better care of themselves. We also have to make inroads into civilizing the current adversarial and dehumanizing legal culture.

In his book, and on his website dedicated to the wellbeing of lawyers (see www.lawyerswellbeing.com), Mr. Hyman addresses head on the causes of misery for lawyers, such as the paucity of civility in the profession, the wide-spread use of destructive anger as a weapon, materialism, isolation, loneliness, negativity, formalism and the chronic stress that permeates the typical legal practice. Mr. Hyman not only identifies problems with lawyers and the legal profession; he is also forthcoming with solutions such as having lawyers reevaluate the effectiveness of anger and the compulsion to constantly be in control. In Part II of his book, Mr. Hyman describes in detail how lawyers can create a lifetime of well-being in both their personal and professional lives, through such means as the use and practice of communication without violence, meditation, positive thinking, improving personal and professional relationships, and eating and exercising for optimal mental health.

As for my brother, although I hadn’t given him a copy of Mr. Hyman’s book, the last time I checked he was off spending quality time with his wife and kids and trying to find happiness as a non-lawyer. I wish him well as a recovering attorney.

Now if only we can help more lawyers find happiness inside the legal profession. After all, there are rights out there that need to be protected.

Home for the Holidays

2010-11-20T06:52:00.000-08:00

It was our first holiday season as a married couple and we were living in Washington, D.C. I was eager to fly out of Ronald Reagan National Airport to get home in time to see Santa Claus atop the Indialantic fire engine as I had every Christmas Eve since I could remember. It was the Eve of Christmas Eve 1998. And it was snowing.

My husband and I endured delay after delay as they de-iced the plane yet again. Finally seated on our flight and ready to go at ten o’clock at night, we heard the fateful words of our pilot:

“Sorry, Folks, the flight is canceled. Please deplane, collect your luggage and call the airline in the morning about rescheduling.”

At this point two people on the plane started sobbing hysterically: The over-tired five-year-old seated behind us and me.

With his inconsolable bride wailing non-stop, my dauntless husband retrieved our bags, hailed us a cab back to our Arlington Courthouse apartment, loaded up our Honda Accord and started driving us through sleet and snow in the middle of the night to Florida.

Somewhere in southern North Carolina or northern South Carolina we stopped to rest for what was left of the night at the only motel off I-95 that wasn’t full. When we awoke the next morning we found our vehicle iced shut. We opened the lock remotely and started the car to get it warmed up for the half hour it took us to consume our free continental breakfast and check out.

At around 5pm Christmas Eve, we cheered at the sign indicating our entrance into Brevard County. We made it to my parents’ house where the smell of baking homemade apple crumb and pumpkin cream cheese pies welcomed us. We were just in time to hear Santa coming down Riverside Drive. I jumped up and down and waved from my parents’ driveway as Santa and his crew threw candy to us from atop of the siren-blaring, holiday-light-bedecked fire truck. There were tears of joy in my eyes.

It was great to be home for the holidays.

We’ve since moved home to Indialantic, in part so we would never have to make the trek down and then back up I-95 ever again. You would think that the thought of the holidays would continue to delight me. Not necessarily so. I’ve heard it said that we don’t really become adults until we have children of our own. That certainly seems true this time of year. Now, my perspective is a little more like:

“AAACK, I’m not ready! We can’t spend all that money! I can’t stand to have one more toy junk up the house or the floor of my car. Not one more toy that is destined in ten months or less to find its way to the bargain pile at a neighborhood garage sale. Hand write, address and mail dozens of heartfelt holiday cards? Not happening. Bake an assortment of traditional pies? Fogettabout it. Can’t we have something healthier please? And just when are the kids going back to school? I can’t get any work done without a schedule. They seem to be watching entirely too much T.V.”

How could a woman so nostalgic for her childhood holiday memories turn into a veritable Grinch twelve years and two school-aged children later? To summon up some holiday cheer this year, I turned to the wise little people in the back of the minivan on the drive to Indialantic Elementary:

What do you think about the holidays, Kids?

“AWESOME!” said my son.

“Yeah, AWESOME,” my daughter concurred.

“What’s so awesome about them?” I queried.

“Well, we get to open lots of presents.”

“Is that what it’s all about?”

“No. It’s also fun to stay home, play games with the family, eat special foods like turkey and latkes. We get to drive around and see all of the holiday lights, especially that light fest in Wickham Park. Can we do that again this year?”

“Of course,” I said getting a little excited myself, “I guess it is fun to have that break from school and activities and have a chance to really hang out together, isn’t it?”

“Yeah!” they chorused.

“I guess we don’t get to do enough of that during the rest of the year, do we?”

“Nope.”

“You’re right, Kids. The holidays are awesome. You know what Mommy likes? Mommy likes it when Santa Claus comes by on the fire truck on Christmas Eve. Did I ever tell you about the time Daddy and I were on a plane to Florida and we almost missed seeing Santa Claus...”

What we need is to savor these special times with our families. We need to focus on the fact that each holiday gives us a unique opportunity to make sweet and magical memories for us and our families to cherish, look back on, and laugh about. It's a time to spend quality time together, slow down and remember to love each other. We share this love with special foods, rituals, and traditions that even include giving each other little (or big) tokens of our love for each other. This time of year, we are reminded to be a little more gentle, a little more tender and to think of others.

So I've decided not to be a Grinch or a Hum Bug this holiday season. I'm going to forget about the stress and the mess and just enjoy being home with my family. Better yet, I'm going to try to hold on to this feeling all year long and I'm going to do what I can to make amazing memories for my children. I want to make the holiday season something so cherished that my adult children would be willing to drive through a snow storm just to get back home.

That is my special holiday wish. So peace on earth, good will towards all and bless us every single one.

Why I Accepted the Opportunity to Represent the Space Coast in the Mrs. Florida Pageant

2010-11-05T04:07:00.000-07:00

When I first got the email I just deleted it. I didn't even ponder it, just sent it to the trash bin. When my girlfriend asked if I had gotten it, I decided it would be rude not to take another look. So I did.

The email was a request for applicants to the Mrs. Florida-America Pageant.

Let me tell you about my experience with pageants. When I was seventeen years old, I actually participated in a preliminary Junior Miss Pageant with some other local high school girls. But as much as this gawky valedictorian wanted to be considered pretty, I walked away instead with the scholastic achievement award for having the highest GPA among the contestants. I took it as a sign that I wasn't cut out for the whole beauty thing and hung up my tiara. After getting in early decision to the University of Virginia (Wa-Hoo-Wa!), I went off to study, travel and later graduate Harvard Law School. I married the perfect guy, have the most amazing children, live in the greatest little beachside community near almost all my family and do work every day that I really love. I even get paid for it.

What else could a girl want? I already have it all. Asking for anything else would just be plain greedy.

But I still get all wistful when I see those girls in the Miss America pageant. I mean, on the one hand, how cool would that be? On the other hand, what about all that pressure? What are we telling girls? They have to be perfect? They have to be beautiful, accomplished and amazingly fit? They have to set out to save the world while looking flawless in high heels and a swimsuit? The feminist in me was somewhat dismayed. The little girl in me wanted to talk about creating world peace one family and one community at a time while wearing an evening gown. A really sparkly one.

Conflicted about what to do, I decided to get my kids' perspective. My 9 year old daughter's reaction was to jump up and down and ask if she got to wear a back-stage pass. My 7 year old son asked if it would make us famous. Both assured me they would help me pick out what to wear.

My Mother said, "Absolutely!" My brother and sister-in-law said, "You HAVE to do this!" My Father was cautious, not sure what this would mean, then decided I should go for it.

I started to think that maybe it wasn't such a crazy idea. That it could be a fun adventure for the whole family. But, there was just one more person whose opinion really mattered here.

After all, this is the Mrs. America pageant for a reason.

I just knew that my husband--the most reasonable and solid guy ever--would think my participating in the Mrs. Florida-America pageant was completely ridiculous. I just knew he would be concerned about my being taken seriously as a lawyer if I did this. I just knew he would say that we didn't have time for such nonsense, that I was already too overcommitted with too many causes, boards and activities. I was convinced that he would tell me not to do any such thing. I was terrified to even bring it up. I kept it to myself for about three days, then finally summoned up my courage and said,

"I've been recruited to participate in the Mrs. Florida-America Pageant. It is the married woman's version of the Miss America Pageant. They looked at my website and thought my practice of peaceful divorce would make a great platform. The pageant is February 4th and 5th in Kissimmee at the Westgate Resort. There's no talent portion but I do have to wear a swimsuit. They said I could be Mrs. Space Coast."

Without missing a beat, he said, "That sounds really exciting."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well, OK then. I think you'll have to escort me on stage or something."

"OK, great."

So there it was. Nobody left to stop me but me.

It's not that I think I could win this thing. I mean, there will be younger and prettier and shall we say "physically fitter" ladies on that stage. But I've started eating more salad at dinner and stopped eating cupcakes for breakfast. I've started being more committed to my exercise routine and regained incentive to take better care of myself. I've actually started to walk taller and be more mindful of my posture.

I've decided this is a chance to be a role model, talk about the causes important to me and to promote my beloved Space Coast, where I was born and raised and now raise my own family.

Therefore I'm accepting this opportunity to be a candidate for Mrs. Florida. I'll do it for the fun and for the love of it. I'll do it for the little starry-eyed girl inside me who really does want world peace.

I'll do it for me, but not only for me.

In her book, A Course in Miracles, Marianne Williamson writes that "as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

So as I hope to shine on February 4th and 5th, my wish is that it will inspire all the other 40-something minivan moms out there striving to balance work and family and muddle through each day to remember that what they are--and what they do--is beautiful. As Mrs. Space Coast, I seek to represent all of the unrecognized Mrs. Americas struggling to do their best to take care of themselves, their families, their homes, their jobs, their obligations whatever they may be. This one is for every single one of us, because as the popular song goes, "We are beautiful in every single way...we are all beautiful today."

Pursuing Peace On One Foot

2010-10-26T10:45:00.001-07:00

I am 41 years old, thank you very much, and I must admit that at mid-life I have a few regrets. One is that when I was a kid I dropped out of Hebrew School and did not have my Bat Mitzvah at 13. Another is that I quit the piano. Still another that I never got to be a member of the Mickey Mouse Club. Well, some things we have control over and some things we don't. I may have missed the Mickey boat and perhaps I'll get back to the piano some day. For now, with my husband and children's encouragement, I am going back to get the religious school training I missed out on as a kid.

Better late than never.

What I most love about seeking out my religious heritage at this point in my life is that I find it very validating and life-affirming. Having already committed myself to a profession of peacemaking, it tickles me to now learn that peacemaking and "repairing the world" are purportedly some of G-d's greatest concepts. Since it is what I endeavor to do each day in my mediation and collaborative law practice, I think it is great how we are supposedly commanded in Psalm 34:15 that we should “seek peace and pursue it.” And where it says in the Bible that "happy (or blessed) are the peacemakers," I can attest that it is true. Helping people get along makes me so much happier than when my job was to fight cases and win at any cost. I feel very blessed indeed!

As with any school, there is homework. My religious school assignment for this week is to write a report about some readings from the Torah (the first 5 books of the Bible: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy). There are some teachings in Leviticus that get me all revved up, such as the following:

1. "Do Not Stand By While Your Neighbor's Blood is Shed." Leviticus 19:16;

2. "Do Not Hate Your Brother in Your Heart." Leviticus 19:17;

3. "Do Not Take Revenge or Bear a Grudge Against a Member of Your People" Leviticus 19:18;

4. "You Shall Love Your Neighbor as Yourself." Leviticus 19:18; and

5. "You Shall Love [the Stranger Who Resides Among You] as Yourself." Leviticus 19:34.

What I like about all of these teachings is that they get back to The Golden Rule. (Not whomever holds the gold gets to make the rules, but rather "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.")

It was Rabbi Hillel that was once challenged by a "heathen" to teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot. The famous story goes that this person came before Hillel and told him he would only become a believer if Hillel could teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel is said to have taken the challenge, stood on one foot and replied, "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor: that is the whole Torah while the rest is commentary; go and learn it."

Good stuff.

Mediation is about helping other people by empowering them to solve their own problems in a peaceable way and get on with the living of their lives. It is also about getting people to help themselves and to help the very people they might have trouble getting along with. By the time people are ready to get divorced or file a law suit, chances are they have built up a lot of grudges and are having a difficult time letting go and "loving" the person they are fighting with as they love themselves. The concept of not hating your "brother" in your heart obliges us to deal openly and matter-of-factly with the person we are angry with. This is so anger does not fester, turn into hatred and grow. Anger and hatred cloud our thinking, making the task of dealing rationally and in everyone's best interest seem insurmountable. In mediation, we are able to address the angry feelings that may be festering. As we address them, we are able to resolve the issues that are keeping us from moving forward and getting closure. Apparently, there is an old Jewish proverb that goes, "Hatred makes a straight line crooked." We've also heard angry people express how they were seething with so much anger that they "couldn't see straight." When in the throes of these difficult feelings, it is a challenge to make the good choices that will keep us from saying or doing something we will regret later. However, it is worthwhile to make the good choices and, if it helps us, to re-read those teachings about brotherhood and loving others as yourself and whatnot. Yes, I think those old rabbis may have been on to something.

It may not be easy, but obviously, if we ourselves were to be the target of someone's rage, we would want for the angered person to treat us fairly, give us a chance to explain or apologize and correct our mistakes. Isn't this after all what all of these teachings have in common? What if you were the stranger in the strange land? What if you were the person who made the mistake? What if you were the neighbor who needed a hand? Or the spouse who needed to be forgiven? What if it was you?

The Torah teaches that it is indeed you; that we are all one and G-d is one with us. You are your own brother, your own neighbor and, having been placed on this earth, a chip off the old holy block. If we are to believe that we are all made in the image of our creator, then if you hurt another person--be they family, friend, stranger or foe--you hurt yourself. So stop hurting yourself. Start loving yourself. You can even do it standing on one foot.

What Really Matters?

2010-08-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard we may try to live a good life or do the right thing, sometimes bad things happen: We fail; we or people we love get sick, suffer or die; an accident happens; people disappoint us; our heart gets broken; we lose a job; get sued; lose a house; file bankruptcy; have to start over and on and on.

When the worst happens to us, what can we do? We can wallow, of course, really roll around in it and maybe we should...at least for a little bit. After all, if something bad happens to us, we have the right to responsibly be a complete mess for a while. Some of the most helpful advice I ever got came from my father who said once during a time of turmoil for me, "Just remember to come back out from under the bed after about a week."

Perhaps the most interesting thing about times of trouble is that they tend to make us focus on what really matters in life. When we lose all the trappings of prosperity we are reduced to just ourselves in the raw. I always think about Jimmy Stewart's character in the classic film, "It's a Wonderful Life." George is threatened with the loss of everything when his scatter-brained but loveable Uncle Billy accidentally gives the week's Bailey Buiding & Loan deposit to the evil and conniving Mr. Potter, who takes full advantage of the situation. Believing Mr. Potter when he tells him that he's worth more dead than alive, George actually contemplates ending his life by jumping in the river. That's when George's guardian angel, Clarence, saves George by jumping in the river so George will save him instead. Clarence then shows George how everything he has done in his life has made a positive impact on his family, friends and community. He shows George that his life, however humble, has truly mattered.

When we get down pretty low it is easy to think that we are worth nothing. That's when we need to remember what really matters and what doesn't. So in honor of the double dip recession and the greatest unemployment since we can't remember when, I've made us all a list to help us keep things straight. Here's what I came up with:

What Matters:	What Doesn’t:
1. People.	Things.
2. Love.	Hate.
3. Having good manners and treating others with kindness and respect.	What mean people think, say or do.
4. Helping one another.	That you can’t save everyone, help everyone or do it all because every little bit still counts.
5. Doing your best and going for it!	That someone else may be better, younger, smarter, faster or richer than you. It just doesn't matter if you win or you lose.
6. Working together to solve a problem.	Who’s at fault or who’s to blame.
7. Taking responsibility for your life.	The millions of reasons why something isn’t your fault.
8. Friends and family.	People who don’t wish you well. As my grandfather used to toast, "Here's to those who wish us well, those who don't can go to...."
9. A life of purpose with meaningful work.	The Rat Race (because even if you win you’re still a rat).

10. Each moment, which is a gift.	The wouldas, shouldas and couldas: Forgetaboutit!
11. Making healthy and wise choices.	The so-called friends who drop you because you made the healthy choices instead of going along with the crowd.
12. Making peace with yourself and living life to the fullest.	That you are only human and your life is less than perfect. We’re all a work in progress.
13. Accepting others as they are.	That you can't change or control others. Stop beating your head against the wall, it doesn’t work anyway.
14. Being authentic and true to yourself.	Being who you think you “should” be just to impress others.
15. Learning and growing without being afraid of looking stupid.	Making mistakes or slipping up sometimes. Don't take yourself too seriously. "Too perfect" people are annoying anyway.
16. Good health and taking care of yourself.	How much you make or how you compare to someone else.
17. Happiness and a good sense of humor. Laughter heals, the studies prove it.	The small, petty stuff that’s way too easy to get upset about or even that big stuff that you have no control over.
18. Having a safe and healthy place to live.	How much bigger and fancier someone else’s home may be compared to yours.
19. Being a part of your community.	How inexperienced, young, old, or “unimportant” you think you are, because every single person can make a difference.
20. Gratitude and appreciation.	That things are less than perfect right now.

Maybe this list is either incomplete or too inclusive. But it just doesn't matter, now does it? You know what does? The fact that despite whatever may be going on in your life, you are going to (eventually) be just fine. So surround yourself with the people you care about. Laugh with them. Be grateful for them. Pay attention to them. Know that this too will pass and you will again have peace in your heart. Because you matter.

An Alphabetical Inventory of Words for a Happier Life (an ABC Back-to-School Blog)

2010-08-08T13:15:00.001-07:00

Throughout my life I have felt drawn towards the study of happiness, balance, wellness, gratitude and peace. Not long ago, I was going through some papers my mother had saved from when I was in the second grade. I saw how my little 7-year-old self could one day grow up to have a business called "Peaceful Beach." For example, there was a letter to Santa that went something like, "Dear Santa, thank you for all that you do for the little children in the world," as well as an ambivalent note to a "Julia L." that attempted to end the relationship but keep the lines of communication open, something like, "You are mean to me and treat me bad and so I can not be your friend anymore. Love, Brooke."

As my children return to school tomorrow and start the 1st and 4th grades, it makes sense to me to organize my thoughts on having a happier life in an elementary way. So I have decided to list all of the concepts I feel contribute to having happiness alphabetically. Maybe some day I'll flesh them out into a real book but for now I have my happiness list. I've found that my children enjoy helping me come up with ideas for a happier life for each letter of the alphabet. Here is what we have come up with so far for the ABC's of a Happy Life (Some letters were easier than others):

A is for Acceptance, Awareness, Awe, Altruism, Authenticity, Accomplishment, Action, Appreciation, Art.

B is for Balance, Brotherhood, Beauty, Breathing, Blessings, Being.

C is for Charity, Confidence, Congeniality, Compassion, Curiosity, Cuddling, Coffee, Comedy, Comfort, Companionship, Courtesy, Civility, Complete work/Completing tasks, Courage, Creativity.

D is for Dancing, Dedication, Desiderata, Devotion, Dignity, Direction, Discovery, Dreaming, Doing.

E is for Embrace, Excitement for life, Exercise, Expression, Employment, Engagement, Exhaling.

F is for Family, Fearlessness, Friends, Fun, Fantasy, Freedom, Fellowship, Flow, Free will, Forgiveness.

G is for Generosity, GIving, Glee, Gratitude, Gardening, Godliness, Goodfellowship, Growth, Grace.

H is for Happy thoughts, Harmony, Heart at Peace, Healing, Honesty, Helping others, Hearing, Hugs.

I is for Inquisitiveness, Individuality, Interest in others, Involvement, Inviting, Introspection.

J is for Joyfulness, Journaling, Joie de vivre, Judiciousness, Juvenescence.

K is for Kindred Spirits, Kinship, Kindness, Knowledge, Kisses.

L is for Love, Laughter, Lightness of Being, Listening, Learning,

Loving-Kindness, Letting Go.

M is for Meditation, Mindfulness, Ministry, Music, Making Merry, Mirth, Mitzvahs, Morale.

N is for Neighborliness, Niceness, New experiences, Nonviolence, Novelty, Nutrition.

O is for Optimism, Others, Open-heartedness, Open-mindedness.

P is for Passion, Playfulness, Presentness, Peacefulness, Pampering Yourself, Pets, Poetry, People, Positivity, Purposefulness.

Q is for Quiet Time, Quixotism, Quest, Questioning, Quaintness.

R is for Relaxation, Reading, Reflection, Rejoicing, Rejuvenation, Reaching out, Responsibility, Respect.

S is for Service, Self (Self-Esteem, Self-Respect, Self-Confidence) & Selflessness, Singing, Smiling, Spirituality, Surrender, Study.

T is for Tact, Talent, Taste, Talking, Tea, Teaching, Tenderheartedness, Theatre, Theology, Therapy, Thinking, Thoughtfulness, Tolerance, Touch, Tranquility, Treasuring, Travel, Truce, Trust.

U is for being Unabashed, Unafraid, Unassuming, User-friendliness.

V is for Valuing, Validating, Virtues and Vices, Visualization, Vitality, Vision, Voyaging, Voicing and Vocalization.

W is for Wellbeing, Wonderment, Writing, Worldview, Worthiness, Worship, Worthwhile endeavors, Wisdom, Wholeheartedness, Whistling, Whimsy, Welcoming, Warmheartedness, Walking and Wandering.

X is for Xanadu (def.: an idyllic, beautiful place).

Y is for You, Yin and Yang, Yuletide, Youthful attitude, Yoga, Yumminess.

Z is for Zen, Zest for life, Zydeco music

(if you have ever heard Zydeco music, you know what I mean).

Obviously this is not a complete list and many of the words I used on my list are up for debate, I'm sure. Feel free to add your own. Words have different meanings for different people. They are personal and we all have those words that speak to us in our darkest hours and bring light to our lives when we need them most. If any words on this list are helpful to you, my hope is that you will say them to yourself in your time of need. Feel free to start your own list of words that make you happy, or remind you to be so or to suggest words to the one I have here. There is no right or wrong word. Only you know what resonates for you.

Finding Purpose in Your Practice (for Lawyers)

2010-08-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

Finding Purpose in Your Practice

Today I changed my intake sheet. I just had to do it. My practice is constantly evolving. Although I am a practicing member of the Florida Bar, I most enjoy working as a certified family mediator with pre-suit pro se couples. I've already eschewed the practice of litigation. I've already declared myself a conscientious objector to the war of divorce. Haven't I already gone far enough away from the traditional practice of law? Well, I'll tell you...

I learn so much from my clients. The other day I realized that some of them as a couple really don't want this divorce, they just don't think they have any options. Maybe they went to couples therapy and they felt it didn't work. Sometimes when a couple comes in for a divorce, after talking things over at our first meeting, they decide that what they really want is to work on saving their marriage. So, I decided to make room in my practice for people who want to explore the possibility of staying together.

Oftentimes a couple is just stressed out and thinks that divorce is the only answer. Many times it is. But, sometimes it's not. Sometimes the issues a couple struggles with--such as money and child rearing matters--are not going to go away just because they get divorced. Oftentimes, divorce just exacerbates an already dire situation.

So what does this mean? We need to remain flexible and be creative about who we are and what we do. We need to keep checking in with ourselves to make sure we are truly doing the life's work we think we are doing. A little over a decade ago, I went through training at an online "university" called Coach University to be trained as an executive life coach. I truly loved coaching and I found myself applying coaching concepts to my personal and professional life daily. But somehow the business of being a lawyer--first in a big-city large corporate law firm and later as a sole practitioner in a small town--took over my identity.

Finally, in 2008, I was able to break away from the traditional practice of law and identify myself as a mediator and self-proclaimed "peacemaking lawyer." This was definitely a move in the right direction for me and for the types of clients I wanted to serve. Taking it a step further, I have now fully embraced being a coach--both for distressed couples and for individuals seeking a better life--and it is like coming home. Although I had started calling myself a "divorce coach" earlier this year, I added "marriage coaching" for those clients who aren't sure if divorce is right for them and want to first try making informal agreements--not for divorce--but for getting along better in their marriage.

So now on my intake sheet, potential clients can tell me that they have come in for either (a) Mediation/Divorce Coaching, (b) Mediation/Marriage Coaching or (c) Collaborative, Cooperative or Uncontested Divorce. I have also added a "Divorce Readiness" Section for both husband and wife so that I can find out from each spouse on a scale of 1 to 10--with 1 being "I don't want this divorce at all" and 10 being "I am absolutely positive that divorce is the answer"--how much they each are ready to proceed with divorce. For those times that both spouses circle low numbers, we can discuss the option of marriage coaching, putting the divorce mediation/divorce coaching on the back burner and working--at least for a short period--towards a stronger, healthier marriage. If it doesn't work out, we can always go back to the marital settlement agreement and parenting plan. And if divorce does happen...we still have a kinder, gentler way.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a therapist. What I am is a person who believes in the positive and empowering people to do what is truly right for them. Furthermore, it is easier to succeed at doing what you love than doing what you hate. I am really good at motivating and inspiring people and helping them see the possibilities where they thought that all was lost. That is what I now do in my practice. I love what I do and I love my clients. I have actually found happiness and purpose with a law degree.

Now, this is my example of how I've changed my practice to better suit my own vision of myself. Enough about me. Let's talk about you:

My challenge to you is to think about what it is that you love to do and to analyze the choices you have made for you life. Are you happy in your practice? Do you have the kind of time you want and need to be healthy? Do you have the amount of balance in your life that makes sense for you? Are you using all of your gifts and talents in your practice? Are you finding meaning and purpose in your work? Are you answering your call? I submit that if you are smart enough to have made it through law school and to have passed the bar, then you are capable enough to find more happiness for yourself in your practice. Don't be afraid to go down that path less traveled and pave a new way of doing things that fits with your vision of yourself and who you want to be. You might try working with an executive coach or joining a program that specializes in helping lawyers unlock their potential for happiness and success. I've recently met a Florida attorney, Sonia Gallagher, JD, who is an executive life coachspecializing in helping lawyers with her company, Time for Life, LLC. Ms. Gallagher has created a Success Roundtable Program for Lawyers (see www.timeforlifenow.com) to help them be more happy and successful in their careers. I know there are others out there worth exploring as well.

What's the bottom line? There are many legal professionals out there actually enjoying what they do. If you are not one of them, you have the power to change that.

A Kinder, Gentler Divorce...or a Stronger, Healthier Marriage

2010-06-04T06:52:00.000-07:00

Today I changed my intake sheet. I just had to do it. My practice is constantly evolving. I learn so much from my clients. I realized that some of them as a couple really didn't want this divorce, they just didn't know that they had any options. Maybe they went to couples therapy and they felt it didn't work. Sometimes they come in for a divorce, and decide that what they really want is coaching for a better marriage. This just reinforces my belief that we need to remain flexible and be creative about our ideas about who we are and what we do. We need to keep checking in with ourselves to make sure we are truly doing the life's work we think we are doing. A little over a decade ago, I went through training at an online "university" called Coach University to be trained as a life coach. I truly loved coaching and I found myself applying coaching concepts to my personal and professional life daily. But somehow the business of being a lawyer took over my identity. Eventually I was able to break away and identify myself as a mediator and self-proclaimed "Peacemaking Lawyer." Finally, I have decided to fully embrace the fact that I AM A COACH and it is like coming home. For a little while now, I've been calling myself a "Divorce Coach" which makes sense because the work that I do, either as a mediator or as a peacemaking lawyer, is focused on getting my clients to a better, happier and healthier place. But now I realize that I can add even more value for those clients who aren't sure if divorce is right for them. They are just stressed out and think that divorce is the only answer. Many times it is. But, sometimes it's not. Don't get me wrong, I am not a therapist. What I am is a person who believes in the positive and empowering people to do what is truly right for them. I am really good at motivating and inspiring people and helping them see the possibilities where they thought that all was lost. So here it is, people, although being a Certified Family Mediator and Peacemaking Lawyer is a lot of fun, I now have room in my practice for people who want to explore the possibility of staying together. Maybe they will, and maybe they won't, but at least through marriage and life coaching, we can help them--if they both want--to get to a place of clarity, healing their grief and improving themselves and their relationship, even if that relationship is going to be a post-divorce one. So, I am proud to say I am now a Divorce, Marriage and Life Coach. My intake sheet now has a box under Mediation/Divorce Coaching (and before the boxes for Collaborative Divorce and Uncontested Divorce) of Marriage Coaching. I have also added a "Divorce Readiness" Section to my intake sheet for both husband and wife so that I can find out from each spouse on a scale of 1 to 10--with 1 being "I don't want this divorce at all" and 10 being "I am absolutely positive that divorce is the answer"--how much they each are ready to proceed with "A Kinder, Gentler Divorce." For those times that both spouses circle low numbers, we can discuss the option of Marriage Coaching, putting the divorce mediation/divorce coaching on the back burner and working--at least for a short period--towards "A Stronger, Healthier Marriage." If it doesn't work out, we can always go back to the Marital Settlement Agreement and Parenting Plan later. And if divorce does happen...we still have a kinder, gentler way. I want to thank my clients for always inspiring me. They and their needs are the ones that determine my practice. With each couple I work with my practice gets better and richer. I love what I do and I love my clients!

BROOKE DERATANY GOLDFARB
Harvard Law, JD
Divorce, Marriage & Life Coach
Certified Family Mediator
Peacemaking Lawyer
http://www.peacefulbeachmediation.com/

Bringing Love to Law

2010-05-27T15:21:00.001-07:00

A review of Lawyers as Peacemakers: Practicing Holistic, Problem-Solving Law (Wright, J. Kim, ABA Publishing 2010)

I found J. Kim Wright (lawyer and author) the way people find people these days, by Googling something I was interested in—combining healing and positive psychology with law—and coming across her website (www.cuttingedgelaw.com), which I mentioned in a prior article entitled, “The Lawyer as Healer.”

When I wrote that article, I was afraid I was really going out on a limb. I thought healing and the law such a novel and avant-guarde concept. After all, as soon as you enter law school, you are expected to become a great warrior: a shark or a pit bull whose only job is to get out there and fight. I was certain that my desire to practice a more peace-loving and humanistic kind of law would be ridiculed and marginalized. Maybe I had just chosen the wrong profession.

Then again, maybe not.

According to Ms. Wright, there is a rapidly expanding like-minded legal community out there, actively practicing the concepts of peacemaking, problem-solving and conflict-healing. Ms. Wright has been instrumental in telling these lawyers’ stories and bringing them together. Over a dozen years of her findings are culminated in her new ABA publication, Lawyers as Peacemakers: Practicing Holistic, Problem-Solving Law.

After having carefully reviewed Lawyers as Peacemakers, my recommendation is that it be required law school reading. I encourage judges and lawyers in leadership to develop continuing legal education programs based on this book. Doing so would make great strides towards more congenial and practical legal communities. Perhaps more persuasively, in this age of increasing budget cutbacks, the implementation of programs and practices discussed in this book would promote more efficient and effective court systems.

Lawyers as Peacemakers is an accessible book, broken down into easy to digest chapters for the professional on the go. It is not some dry scholarly tome, but rather a refreshing and practical guide to how to be a happier lawyer and have happier clients. It summarizes for the general legal population and its clients where the profession is heading and how practicing mindful, people-focused law is more mainstream than everybody thought.

Ms. Wright was asked to write this book by the largest legal organization in the United States, but she also wanted to explain in plain English to regular people who happened to go to law school how they can have a more fulfilling, balanced and meaningful professional life while reclaiming their true selves and their souls from a broken, inhospitable and de-humanizing legal system. She wants lawyers to take the lead, think outside the box and be an active part of finding and implementing solutions rather than just identifying problems.

In Lawyers as Peacemakers, Ms. Wright highlights some fascinating innovations in the law, such as collaborative and cooperative law, creative problem solving, holistic justice, preventative law, restorative justice, transformative mediation and therapeutic jurisprudence. She also gives readers concrete steps to transform their lives and legal practices through simple common-sense strategies.

Although she expected this resource and reference book to be controversial and alienating to the legal establishment, there is obviously a great thirst for the knowledge and wisdom that Ms. Wright seeks to impart. So many preordered their copy of Lawyers as Peacemakers from the ABA Publication website before it was even available, it became a bestseller before it was actually released and remains at the top of the ABA Publications’ Bestseller List.

Ms. Wright is obviously on to something. She recognizes that most lawyers went to law school in the first place to make a difference in the world. Lawyers as Peacemakers is about a movement—a paradigm shift—whereby thousands of legal practitioners dare to say that they are bringing love and humanity to the practice of law. By doing so, they will get better results and satisfaction for themselves, for their clients and for society as a whole.

The Lawyer as Healer

2010-03-13T13:51:00.000-08:00

“Doctors…still retain a high degree of public confidence because they are perceived as healers. Should lawyers not be healers? Healers, not warriors? Healers, not procurers? Healers, not hired guns?”

--Warren Burger, Chief Justice, U.S. Supreme Court (1969-1986)

Lawyers were originally intended to be healers of societal rifts, not zealous courtroom adversaries. We as lawyers should bear this in mind as we conduct our legal practice, regardless of what our area of focus may be. However, in no aspect of the law is such consideration arguably more appropriate than in that of divorce and family law.

Perhaps it is ironic that Warren Earl Burger, the longest serving Chief Justice of the highest court in the land, was a critic of litigiousness. Burger, alarmed by what he perceived as abuse of the court system by attorneys and their clients, was one of the original proponents of Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR)—i.e., mediation, negotiation, arbitration, collaboration, cooperation—in its ability to unburden a overloaded justice system.

In addressing the American Bar Association in 1984, Justice Burger declared, “Our system is too costly, too painful, too destructive, too inefficient for a truly civilized people. To rely on the adversary process as the principal means of resolving conflicting claims is a mistake that must be corrected.”

The Honorable Chief Justice’s concept of the lawyer as healer of human conflicts was not a new one. It is said the first lawyers were not zealous adversaries, but rather peacemakers and advocates for civil order. According to Michigan lawyer, John W. Allen, in his October 2001 Michigan Bar Journal article, lawyers have historically been responsible for preventing battle and peaceably resolving disputes. He notes that in the early 12^th century, Henry II systemized earlier experiments of his grandfather, Henry I, by sending his “Court” of traveling justices on regular circuits through his realm in order to substitute the peaceful resolution of disputes for the traditional method of “trial by battle.” The advocates who emerged to represent those appearing at the local court were intended to resolve disputes and not fan them.

Such origin of the lawyer is echoed in Steven Keeva’s 1999 ABA publication, Transforming Practices: Finding Joy and Satisfaction in the Legal Life, where, according to Chicago attorney turned Notre Dame Law School Dean, turned Catholic Priest, David T. Link, the first lawyers actually appeared back when hunters and gatherers started settling in villages. When disputes would arise over, for example, property rights, the oldest and wisest members of the community were called upon to make decisions regarding the disputes. Soon, others in the community began acting as representatives of the disputants, but such representatives were trying to bring peace back to the community, rather than act as adversaries.

Somewhere along the line, lawyers as a group began straying from their original duty. Reverend Link was honored with the American Inns of Court’s 2009 Professionalism Award for the Seventh Circuit at the Seventh Circuit Judicial Conference in Indianapolis for his life-long demonstration of character and integrity in the legal profession. In receiving this award, Reverend Link commented:

“The ultimate goal of a lawyer is not to “win” but to achieve justice and healing. Just as a doctor can treat or cure a patient without bringing about healing, so, too, can a lawyer win a lawsuit without healing his or her client. And just as a patient can be healed by a doctor even though his or her disease remains uncured, so, too, can the client of a lawyer be healed even if the client’s problem can’t be cured.”

Now more than ever, it is time for lawyers to reclaim their original roles as peacemakers, healers and problem-solvers. For more information on how to have a more mindful, helpful and satisfying law practice, visit www.CuttingEdgeLaw.com, www.innsofcourt.org and www.healingandthelaw.org

This is My Village--Why One Lawyer Refuses to Litigate Divorces

2010-01-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

The Divorce Coach’s Corner: This is My Village--Why One Lawyer Refuses to Litigate Divorces

As you may have heard, there is a centuries-old proverb, common among various African cultures, and made famous by former First Lady, Hillary Clinton in 1996 that, "It takes a village to raise a child." Regardless of your political affiliation and no matter how you may feel about the Clintons, I think there is a little something to be said for being mindful that everything we do and say in our lives has the potential to affect those around us. I personally choose to internalize this saying in my divorce practice.

Not that I’m literally going to baby sit my clients’ children or help pay for their college education—that is not the point. In fact, chances are that in my role as a mediator and family lawyer, I’m never actually even going to meet my clients’ children. Regardless, in working with divorcing couples, it doesn’t make me any less responsible for thinking about how my actions will impact the family and the children of that family—be they minor children residing at home or adult children with their own lives.

The way I choose to interpret this saying is simple: My community is my village. I live in this village. The children in this village go to school with and interact with my children. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and yes, a member of this village, before I am a lawyer or a mediator. What happens here concerns me. The more healthy, happy, well-adjusted people there are in my community, the more prosperous my community will be. I have the power to either make it a better place or not. By encouraging couples to avoid litigating their divorce and find a more peaceful way to get on with their lives; by focusing them on the future and the well-being of their children, rather than encouraging one of them to “fight, fight, fight;” by reminding them that even if they are no longer “Husband” and “Wife,” they are still “Mom” and “Dad” and both needed dearly; I am looking out for the children in my village. I never want to have to walk through the halls of my children’s school and have to avert my eyes or feel uncomfortable because there is a parent there who feels I tried to help his or her spouse “take their kids away.”

I’m not saying there aren’t certain dire circumstances that might require the intervention of the court—such as in cases with domestic violence, extreme personality disorders or criminal activity. I would like, however, for more divorce professionals to think of the judicial system in divorce cases as the Emergency Room of a hospital. There are plenty of attorneys in our community who are very capable at handling such “Emergency Room Divorces.” However, I submit that for most cases, the filing of contested petitions and counter petitions and turning dissolution of marriage actions into a war or battleground only serves to destroy families. I personally cannot bring myself to participate in the destruction that comes with litigation, even if the litigation is warranted. This is why I have chosen to only handle divorces and other family matters either as a mediator, a collaborative lawyer, or a lawyer in cooperative or uncontested cases. If it goes to litigation, I immediately refer it out to another lawyer.

Most people most of the time are fully capable of doing the right thing, being good parents and discussing how to dissolve their marriage and resolve any differences in a civilized, private and healthy way. It is my honor to assist such people get on with their lives with as little psychological damage as possible. After all, these couples and families live in my community. This community is my village. Their children are my children—or at the very least are like my children—and although it might sound trite, it is absolutely true that all of our children are the future of our community, maybe even our nation or our world.

I believe we all have the responsibility to look out for the good of our community. We can do that by living our lives and conducting ourselves in our professions in a way that does as little harm as possible to others. As divorce professionals, we can start by encouraging people to get along and reminding them that their children will always need both of them. We can help them talk out their differences and move on with their lives. We can support them as they endeavor to do what is right both for themselves and their children.

After all, this is my village. My children live here.