The Divorced Dudes Club

Online Separation, Divorce, & Family Law Resources

2012-02-21T00:00:00.000-08:00


Photo used under Creative Commons from davidrossharris

by Nigel Lawson

If you are at the beginning stages of filing for legal separation or divorce, you may have many questions about the divorce process, child support, and custody issues. Luckily, The Divorce Dudes Club has developed a new blog page providing online Separation, Divorce, & Family Law resources to assist you. This important online resource is listed by state and links you to official state and county court resources, state bar association sites, and state and county self-help center websites to help answer your questions.

To access these resources, simply click the button at the top of the blog entitled "Separation, Divorce, & Family Law Resources." We, at The Divorce Dudes Club strive to ease the stress of separation and divorce on all members of your family. We hope you find our resource links useful.

Fighting Loneliness with Sushi?

2012-01-24T20:55:00.000-08:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from avlxyz

by Nigel Lawson

I've read all the articles and blogs dealing with loneliness after divorce. I'm up to my neck in self help books, actually reading some for the second time. I have friends I go out with on a regular basis. I have plenty of hobbies, so I don't really need a new one. I stay busy with work and community organizations. So, why am I still dealing with loneliness 4 years after my divorce?

Lately it's become a chore to even leave my apartment. I literally have to scold myself, "Hey, get off the couch, go somewhere, and do something!" I'm simply going through the motions of life, and that's not living at all. Many people get caught up in the notion that loneliness is a disease of the mind. Science tells us otherwise. We know physiology plays an important role in mental health. It affects the mind and vice versa.

My severe loneliness drove me to do a little research on the affects of a healthy diet and exercise routine on loneliness. As a result, I've come up with one of those annoying, but sometimes helpful, blog list of ways to combat loneliness through diet and exercise. Here it goes:

Sushi Anyone!
When we talk about loneliness, we might want to include depression which often accompanies it. The cycle of loneliness and depression can be debilitating. "I'm feeling lonely, and now, I'm depressed. I'm depressed and don't want to be around anyone, so I'm lonely again!" We all know by now that eating foods high in Omega-3 fatty acids such as salmon, mackerel, and herring raise serotonin levels in the brain and reduce depression. These deep-water fish are staples at Sushi Bars. I recommend setting up a sushi night with a group a friends. It's a great way to stimulate your brain with good company, good conversations, and Omega- fatty acids!

Cut the Coke and Cut the Coffee !
High amounts of stimulates can throw off your brain chemistry. I thought drinking an extra cup of coffee could lift my spirits. Caffeine and sugar may only provide a temporary lift of energy and mood. In the long run, it may cause insomnia, irritability, and more depression! Hang out at a juice bar instead of a coffee shop. You'll still be surrounded by people, but without the caffeine.

Getting Back to Nature!
A great way to fight loneliness and depression is with exercise. Group nature hikes are a three-fold remedy. First, exercise produces that "runner's high" through the production of endorphins. Secondly, hiking in a group fosters the opportunity to interact and meet new people. Finally, studies have shown nature having a positive effect on the brain, reducing stress levels.

I plan on trying these suggestions out this week. I'm hopeful, so wish me luck. If any of you have tried these remedies for loneliness and depression or plan to try them out in the next couple of weeks, share your comments below.

10 Festive Drinks For You & Yours This Holiday Season

2011-12-11T18:36:00.001-08:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from izik

By Nigel Lawson

Well, my last blog was all about holiday treats and bonding with the kids. This post is strictly for adults only. Okay, at least the first part is. I never like to leave the kiddies out, so I have something special for them too.

Is your Ex acting like a jerk right before the holidays? Are the kids driving you up the wall? Will you be able to get your family members exactly what they want this holiday season? Well, you can forget about all that for now. If the "Seasonal Insanity" seems a bit overwhelming, take a Jingle Bell Break and sample one of these festive holiday libations (provided by Whattodrink.Com). These are just a few of the Holiday Cocktails listed on their website.

And, don’t worry. If you’re not big on alcohol, I have a special list of fun non-alcoholic drinks you and the kids can share during the holidays (provided by Family.Com).

For Adults Only (Alcoholic Drinks)

For Kids & Adults (Non-Alcoholic Drinks)

     7. White Christmas Hot Chocolate
     8. Quick Party Eggnog
     9. Cranberry-Apple Wassail
   10. Cold Chocolate Peppermint

Whether sampling one of the potent potables, or imbibing one of the calorie crammed kids’ drinks, moderation is always key. Never drink and drive, or have a cup White Christmas Hot Chocolate and fall asleep on the couch. Both are hazardous to your health. Stay safe, and have a joyous holiday season.

Best Wishes,

The Divorced Dudes Club

P.S. Hug your children, and tell them you love them.

Divorce and the Holidays: Remember STRESSED Spelled Backwards Is DESSERTS!

2011-11-14T18:53:00.000-08:00

Photo used with permission from Dailyville

by Nigel Lawson

The holidays can be a difficult time of year, especially for single moms and dads. Stress over shared custody scheduling can overwhelm parents, turning joyous occasions into holiday nightmares. Don't let this derail what is important --the quality time you spend with your children. Yes, quality over quantity is always best when it comes to shared custody, so I want to provide parents with a holiday activity guaranteed for fun.

Remember STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS! So, what better way to bring smiles to your kid's faces than by making Chocolate Pilgrim Hats this Thanksgiving. It's a great way to bond with your children and create a new Thanksgiving tradition.

Ingredients

1 package of Keebler Fudge Striped Cookies
1 12-ounce bag of chocolate chips
A bag of large marshmallows
A tube of yellow decorators' frosting


Follow the directions below, or check out the video for preparing these tasty, Thanksgiving treats at Family Fun Magazine. Remember to write your comments or other suggestions for creating lasting memories with your children this holiday season.

Directions:

Place wax paper on a cookie sheet.
Set cookies upside down on the wax paper so the bottom chocolate side is facing up.
Melt the chocolate chips in a microwave or use a double boiler. (Note: I prefer the double boiler because the chocolate doesn't clump. You can make one using a sauce pot and stainless steal bowl. First, boil water over the stove in the pot, and place the stainless steal bowl atop the pot. Place the chocolate chips in the bowl and stir them as them melt.)
Use a toothpick to dip marshmallows into the chocolate, covering them completely.
Place marshmallows on top of the cookies. Use a second toothpick to hold down the marshmallow as you pull out the first toothpick.
Next, place the cookie sheet in the refrigerator for 10 minutes to harden the chocolate.
After the chocolate has hardened, use the yellow decorators' frosting to draw the buckle on each hat.

Veteran's Day: Supporting Our Separated & Divorced Veterans

2011-11-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from US Army Africa

by Nigel Lawson

With the end of the war in Iraq and return of 40,000 troops by the holidays, this Veteran's Day is one to be thankful for. When we honor our troops this year, it's not only important to remember those who sacrificed their lives for our country, but it's equally important to support returning soldiers who may still face obstacles here at home.

Aside from the physical injury, post-tramatic stress disorder, government red tape over disability benefits, and simply assimilating back into civilian life, many returning veterans must also deal with the challenges of divorce. According to Pentagon statistics, since the start of Operation Enduring Freedom in 2001, the divorce rate among military personnel has increased from 2.6 percent to 3.6 percent in 2010. The Pentagon also reported 9% of enlisted women had their marriage end in divorce - about three times that of enlisted men at just over 3%.

Having supported our troops abroad, it is now our duty to continue supporting them on their arrival back home. If you have a friend or family member who is a separated or divorced veteran, you can start by providing them emotional support. Soldiers are trained to be tough, but everyone going through a separation or divorce needs someone to talk to. Be that person.

Read more and watch a video about the challenges of separated and divorced veterans and support systems available for them at USA Today. Military. Please post your comments below, and God Bless Our Veterans.

Halloween Horror Break Up Stories! Beware of Ghoulish Girlfriends!

2011-10-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from Sara G...'s

by Nigel Lawson

We've all been through it - The Break Up From Hell! A torturous time betrayal pierces your heart, nausea writhes in your stomach, and loneliness flattens your soul, leaving you unwilling to trust another human being on the face of Earth.

The following is a horrific break up story I ran across on bounceback.com that simply made my skin crawl. The author granted me permission to reprint this in hopes other divorced dudes and dudettes would benefit from his own tale of terror.

by Mr. D

I'd found the love of my life - I'm 49, she's 44 - After two divorces, she was refreshing - an intellectual geek like me, but funny, oh-so-sexy, smart, gorgeous body, everything a guy could want. All was going well for a year or so; we both had more fun and experienced more closeness than we'd felt in previous relationships.

Then, in July of this year, she joined a softball team at work. The first few weeks were fine - I had stuff to do on the nights she played, all was good. But then I became aware of a slight distancing. The spontaneous 'I love you' texts stopped; she became irritated with me at the slightest thing. Instead of giving her space however, I emotionally panicked, thinking I was losing her, and became clingy and needy.

This ultimately drove her even further away, and at the beginning of August she dumped me, stating 'she couldn't be in a relationship' (claiming there was too much going on with her ex-husbands, children, grandchildren etc) - I could see all the signs however - there was another guy - someone she works with - who was also on the softball team.

We texted/emailed occasionally, but we also both play on the same pool league team every Tuesday night. A few Tuesdays later, she came home with me after the game like she always used to, and claimed she'd missed what we had, and felt very guilty how she'd treated me. Well within a few weeks, we'd planned the engagement, found a house, looked at rings and dresses etc - I was euphoric.

The night before we were due to move in, she mentioned the last hurdle - she needed a face-to-face with this 'other guy' to tell him what was happening. As I left her bed that morning, she said 'I love you, I adore you, I worship you - let me do this, and we'll be happy for ever'. I went to work, feeling a little uncomfortable, but had lots to sort out with the utilities etc for the house.

So, I'm at the house that Thursday evening, moving stuff in from my apartment - and don't hear from her for a few hours. Trying to stifle my insecurities, I let it go, waiting for her return and to start our new life.Well, she doesn't come home. Doesn't return any of my texts or calls. I'm at the new house Friday morning, out of my mind - when the cable man turns up I text her asking what's going on - I get a six word reply - "I'm not moving - I'm so sorry" - and that was it!

One can imagine how I felt - trying to cancel everything at the house, make all the un-arrangements. A few days later we had to meet to swap respective stuff (and for me to get the new cell-phones I got on a family plan for her and the daughters!) - it transpires she spent the night with the other guy, but I had decided a few days before that 'something didn't feel right'.

I'm angry, I'm so incredibly bewildered and lost - the obsessive thoughts fill my mind constantly. I genuinely feel like I cannot be happy without her, but the few remaining rational brain cells I have left tell me there's no way I could get back with her, knowing I'd end up being hurt again.

I'm trying so hard to focus on 'me' - but everything and I mean EVERYthing I do, watch, read, wear, eat, see, reminds me of her. The constant anxiety and chest pain/knotted stomach and spiraling thoughts are becoming so physically and mentally exhausting. I'm so empty and lonely - I can't see a future for myself. I miss her so much. How does one bounce back from this??

When we live through a horrific nightmare like this one, we all need to remember one thing, and that is... The sun rises every morning, and when we wake, we wake to a brand new day. Find friends! Find relatives! Find support groups! Find anyone who will help you through your roughest times. I'm glad Mr. D reached out by sharing his story. I truly believe writing is the best form of therapy.

If you have a story you want to share with The Divorced Dudes Club, email me at divorceddudesclub@gmail.com or just post it in the comments below.

Divorce and Halloween: It Doesn't Need To Be Scary

2011-10-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from wwarby

by Nigel Lawson

With Halloween just around the corner, fighting your way through department store crowds in search of the perfect costumes for the kids and bags of Hersey's Miniatures might not be the only thing your dreading this Fall. Dealing with an ex-spouse might be just as scary, especially if this is your first Halloween after divorce.

Well, no fear! Here are some tips to tame any ghoulish ex-spouse on All Hallows Eve.

1. Involve your kids. Before making any plans, talk to your children. Ask them what they would like to do for Halloween. At this point you can ask if your ex-spouse has made any Halloween plans with your children. It would be horrific if you made extensive plans and then found out your spouse has already promised to take your children to the neighborhood haunted block party.

2. Be ready to share. If your ex has not mentioned spending time with the children on Halloween, don't assume he/she has no plans. Speak to your ex and decide who will have the children that evening. In some cases parents may opt to share Halloween duties. One parent may purchase costumes and dress the children while the other takes them trick or treating. A second scenario for children may be trick or treating separately with each parent in two different neighborhoods. I'm sure your children wouldn't mind doubling their candy supply.

3. Plan early. Halloween is one of those holidays that often slip our minds. Before you know it, its October 30th. If you haven't spoken to your ex by this time, calling the night before will probably result in an argument. If your custody agreement includes certain holidays, and Halloween is one of them, you're in the clear. But, if you're like most people, Halloween is often forgotten. Plan ahead of time. If you would like the children for the whole evening, call your spouse at least a month before. This gives him/her plenty of time to make plans of their own.

4. Speaking of plans... If you agree to having the children stay with your ex-spouse the whole evening, don't sulk at home alone. Keep busy with relative and friends. Take the opportunity to pass out candy at a neighbor's house or dress up and go to a Halloween party with friends.

5. Play nice with Mom or Dad. What every your arrangement is with your ex-spouse for that evening, always be courteous. Children are deeply affected by negative comments made by one parent about another parent. It confuses them and results in resentment of the offending parent. Be considerate around your ex-spouse and children. Halloween is a time for costumes and fun. It may also be a time to put on a mask and set our differences aside to get through the evening.

Divorce May Lead to Baldness in Women

2011-09-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from romytetue

By Nigel Lawson

Two studies released yesterday reveal stress from divorce may lead to baldness in women. The studies, conducted at Case Western Reserve University, examined 66 male and 84 female pairs of identical twins with similar hairlines. Dr. Bahman Guyuron, head of the study, found that high stress situations such as divorce, death of a spouse, caring for many children, and high blood pressure may be the link to hair loss in women.

Find out more about the results of this study on men and women in "The Stress of Divorce, Writ on Women's Heads," at Time.Com, and post your comments.

Secrets Your Wife May be Keeping!

2011-09-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from carl clasio

by Nigel Lawson

If you think all is going well in your marriage, beware! A new book by Iris Krasnow reveals some interesting insights into what secrets wives may be keeping from their spouse. The book, The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes To Stay Married, scheduled for release in October, is based on interviews of 200 women reflecting on the institution of marriage (pun definitely intended)!

Her article, The Fine Line Between Marriage and Divorce, in the Huffington Post, includes some pretty racy marital secrets involving gardeners, farm animals, and swingers. Read the article for yourself, and post your comments below.

Pat Robertson Forgets " 'Til Death Do Us Part." It Must Be Early Signs Of Alzheimer's

2011-09-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from Digital Shotgun

By Nigel Lawson

Well, Pat Robertson once again stuns the nation by announcing on his 700 Club that Alzheimer's disease is a valid reason for divorce. This past Tuesday, a gentleman phoned in to relate his concern about a friend whose wife was in the later stages of Alzheimer's. The caller stated his friend was, "bitter at God for allowing his wife to be in that condition, and now he's started seeing another woman."

Robertson responded, "I hate Alzheimer's. It is one of the most awful things, because here's the loved one - this is the woman or man that you have loved for 20, 30, 40 years, and suddenly that person is gone." He continued, "I know it sounds cruel..., but if he's going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again."

If that wasn't shocking enough, what followed would knock anyone off their chair. When asked by his co-host if his words contradict the marriage vow "'Til death do us part," Roberson responded, "[Alzheimer's] is a kind of death."

First of all, one wonders if the 700 Club was formed by people who scored 700 on their SAT. What was Pat Robertson thinking? Not only did he embarrass theologians across the country, but he enraged families affected by this dreadful disease. Dealing with Alzheimer's is challenging for any family. Add a divorce announcement condoned by a religious leader to that situation, and you can kiss the sanctity of the family unit goodbye.

Divorce is not a decision made on a whim. In our fast moving internet society, instant gratification is king. Our immediate needs can be met within minutes and even seconds. If I wish to know what my friends are doing at this moment, I can follow them on Twitter or Facebook. Want to watch a movie? I can stream a full length film in a matter of seconds. Craving pizza? I can have that delivered to my front door in "thirty minutes or less" without leaving my couch. Divorce should not be treated in the same manner. It is too important a decision to be made in the blink of an eye and a click of a button.

The latest Census Bureau reports that divorce rates in the United States have slightly decrease, but divorce rates among baby boomers are triple that of their parents. This "Gray Divorce," is a new phenomenon which sees couples splitting after 20 or more years of marriage. I definitely won't be surprised if there is an increase of Gray Divorce over the next few years due to Pat Robertson's irresponsibility.

Beware Men Over 30! Divorce May Cause You to Gain Weight!

2011-08-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

Photo used under Creative Commons from Mangus D.

By Nigel Lawson

Divorced dudes, beware! Put down the hot dog, chips, and beer! A new study from Ohio State University suggests a link between divorce and weight gain for men over thirty. Read more about it, and share your thoughts and comments. The Telegraph, "Women Gain Weight After Marriage, Men After Divorce".

And, yes, that is a metric scale. Just multiply 82.7 by 2.2 (lb) = That’s about 182 lbs!

Getting Married Might Be The Way To A Longer Life

2011-08-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Photo used under Creative Commons by alancleaver_2000

By Nigel Lawson

I remember being single, young, and vivacious, believing I would never get married, live forever, and party until I died. Well, that was twenty or so years ago. Nowadays, I can’t finish a half a can of beer without falling asleep. Good thing I quit partying years ago because a recent study by Researchers from the University of Louisville in Kentucky showed that single men tend to die sooner than married men.

Read the article for yourself, and share your thoughts and comments. Being Single Could Mean An Earlier Death: Study

Child Custody 101: 10 Ways to Survive a Child Custody Case

2011-08-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

By Nigel Lawson

In layman’s terms, child custody is defined as

"The legal authority to make decisions affecting a child's interests (legal custody) and the responsibility of taking care of the child (physical custody). When parents separate or divorce, they may share legal and physical custody, or one parent may have physical custody with the other parent having visitation."
-- Nolo’s Plain-English Law Dictionary

Understanding the legalese involved in a child custody case is vital to both parties involved. Often times, what one parent believes to be in the best interest of their children, is contrary to what the other parent believes. In this regard, knowing the legal terms is only half the battle. Parents should know what to expect when entering such a case. In 10 Ways to Survive a Child Custody Case, Henry Gornbein reveals useful steps to avoid a drawn out, custody trial. Read his article, and share your thoughts and comments with us.

Love After Divorce: How Soon Is Too Soon?

2011-08-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

By Nigel Lawson

The first lesson History 101 teaches us is history definitely repeats itself. After a break up, some of us may be prone to getting back in the saddle too soon after the fall, and to make things worse, we get back on the wrong horse. The fact is, we’re to blame for our repeated hardship. Fortunately, we also have the power to stop this cycle. Here are a few things to consider before hopping on that next horse.

Stop and think about your past behaviors. Breakups and divorce have the capability of severely damaging our self esteem. Some of us may experience extreme loneliness and a loss of identity. These emotions might lead us to seek comfort in the first person we feel the slightest connection to. We mistake this minor spark as the mighty lightning bolt of true love, and bang! We’re off to the races. If this sounds familiar, “Whoa Nelly!” It’s time to slow down!

Assess your sense of self. It’s time to remember who you are and what makes you so special. Often, we rely on others to build up our self-esteem and forget we have the power to do it ourselves. I suggest making a list of 10 positive qualities you possess. Next, write a second list of 3-4 goals you wish to accomplish within the next month. Post these lists side by side in place where they are easily visible. (I did this on a large whiteboard, hanging in my kitchen).

Encountering these lists daily (ideally each morning), reminds us of our sense of worth and focuses our attention on what is important in our lives. Do one thing toward achieving one or more of your goals each day. It doesn’t have to be major. It could be something small. The key is to understand that your positive qualities are the power you possess to accomplish your goals. Soon you will find yourself checking off goals on a regular basis. You’ll feel a sense of achievement, self-worth, and increase your self-esteem.

When is the right time? The right time to begin a serious relationship is a hard question to answer. Pat Gaudette writes on the Friends and Lovers: The Relationships Guide website,

“No matter how ready you think you are for a committed relationship, if you haven’t been legally divorced for at least a year, if you haven’t worked through the anger and despair of your divorce, if you haven’t worked through the emotional baggage you were handed when they walked out the door, you aren’t ready.”

I tend to agree. We must take the time to heal before entering a committed relationship. She stresses that even if you haven’t worked out all of your emotional issues after being divorced over a year, you need not refrain from dating. Honesty is the best policy. She offers the following as a way to explain your unique situation:

“I’m really not ready for a serious relationship as I’ve just recently been divorced. You seem like a very nice person and I’d really like to get to know you better, but I just thought it would be best to be upfront about where my head’s at right now.”

What Should You Expect in a New Partner? Now that you’ve worked on revitalizing your inner self, remember not to settle for second best. Expect as much out of a partner and a relationship as you are willing to put in. Respect for one another is important in a lasting relationship. Your personalities should complement each other. A positive outlook when faced with life’s difficulties can only strengthen your bonds. You don’t want a partner who is passive or runs away from challenges. Your significant other should be willing to work with you through the hard times and see them as an opportunity for growth in your relationship.

These are just a few things to keep in mind before getting back in the relationship race. Don’t jump the gun. Take it slow. When it comes to finding happiness in a relationship, you don’t need to finish in first place. You just need to finish the race together.

Men & Divorce: Breaking the Stereotypes & Learning to Sympathize

2011-08-05T02:35:00.000-07:00

By Nigel Lawson

When any marriage ends in divorce, our sympathy immediately extends to the ex-wife and children. How will she cope emotionally and financially? How will she handle being a single mom? How will the children react? All marriages are different, as are all divorces. So why are we more likely to consider the well being of women and children of divorce rather than men?

Does it lead back to archaic stereotypes such as men are physically and emotionally stronger than women, so they need far less support? Could it be many of us assume the majority of divorces result from infidelity on the part of men, thus husbands are not entitled to our sympathy? We see this played out in the media numerous times. High-profile, celebrity couples announce their divorce, and our reaction is usually, "He probably cheated on her."

Theses statements are not to take away from the psychological turmoil divorce has on families in general. These words and this video shed light on many of the challenges we often forget affect divorced men.

After watching the video, share your comments and some of the ways you coped with the challenges of divorce.

Infidelity: It's Not Rocket Science!

2011-08-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

Scientists, Robin Milhausen and Kristen Mark at the University of Guelph and Erick Janssen from The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University, studied the link between gender, our "sexual personality", and our probability of cheating. Having studied over 900 men and women, their report concluded pretty much what we've learned from every daytime soap opera and nightly telenovela: Men cheat when they can't control they're urges, and women cheat when they're sexually unsatisfied.

Read more about their study at huffingtonpost.com and comment on my blog. Infidelity Linked To 'Sexual Personality': University of Guelph Study

Shining the Light on Children of Divorce

2011-07-26T00:23:00.000-07:00

By Nigel Lawson

After deciding on divorce, it becomes even more complicated when you have to tell your children. It’s no secret that divorce can adversely affect a child's emotional and social development. Confusion, uncertainty, anger, and hopelessness are common feelings children experience under the stress of divorce. This can lead to aggressive behavior, distrust, withdrawal, and even depression. As parents, there are some important things you can do to ease your children’s pain and help them through this difficult transition.

First and foremost, both parents should be a part of the discussion. Have a family meeting where you and your spouse honestly and openly inform your children of your plans to divorce. At this point they may feel confused, scared, and uncertain about the future. It is important that you reassure them they are not the cause of the divorce, and despite the separation, your love for them remains constant.

Have a plan of action. Ideally, both parents should work together to draft a plan of action. This plan will explain some of the changes that will affected the children, such as which parent they will live with, where the other parent will reside, and visitation schedules. Kids are more receptive to concrete explanations. Be specific, and use simple language when addressing their questions. Understanding the situation will ease their stress and help them cope.

Be aware of your children’s psychological needs. In Milinda J. Reed’s book, The Everything Guide to Divorce, we learn that boys and girls may react to divorce in different ways. In terms of boys, she writes, “Pyschologists who have studied the children of divorce report that boys at all ages are more likely to react with increased aggression and stubborn opposition to rules.” Girls, however, “…tend to turn their hurt inward. They try to be very, very good to make sure their remaining parent doesn’t leave, too.” Pay close attention to your children’s behavior after telling them about your divorce. If they exhibit excess aggression or alienation over a considerable period of time, it may signal the need for therapy.

Bit your tongue in front of the kids. Children are very attentive and pick up visual and auditory cues very well. Try your best to be respectful or at the least neutral when speaking about your ex-spouse. Listening to negative comments about your ex confuses children. They may feel compelled to agree with the comment in order to prove their allegiance to you. On the other hand, they may view the comment as a criticism of their own judgment of character, and resent you for it. All in all there is no place for negativity when guiding your children through the tempest of divorce.

The health and well being of your children must remain the focus for you and your spouse during the divorce process. Growing up in today’s society is hard enough for children. When the wrench of divorce is thrown into the works it makes it that much more difficult. As hard as it may be, set your differences aside. Work together with your ex-spouse to ensure your children a happy and healthy future.

To Mend or Not to Mend? That is the Question!

2011-02-21T11:28:00.000-08:00

By Nigel Lawson

The other day I called up an old musician friend of mine I hadn’t seen in about five years. He asked how I was doing and how my wife was doing. When I told him I was divorced, he sounded shocked and equally embarrassed. I reassured him I was doing fine, and the break up was really the best thing for both of us.

He inquired more about what led to our break up and what measures we took to try to salvage our marriage. After answering his questions, he admitted the reason for his interest in my situation was that he himself was contemplating divorce.

Without going into details, he expressed his unhappiness with his situation at home. What stood out in our conversation were his overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame over wishing to leave his wife. Of course his first concern was the well being of his two young children, and how it would affect them. In addition, he was very troubled over the stigma of divorce and how his parents and in-laws would perceive him for wanting a divorce.

I explained to him that being happy is the one thing we do have control over in our lives. If you are unhappy in a relationship or any unpleasant situation, find ways to change it. I suggested couples therapy where he and his spouse could discuss their feelings and tackle the issues threatening their marriage. I even suggested a trial separation to find out if divorce is the choice he and his spouse really wanted to make.

Using separation as a means to gain insight on your relationship is something I read about in the book Contemplating Divorce by Susan Pease Gadoua. She states’ “However, rather than a means to an end, separation can be a helpful tool to stay together.”

I recommended the book to him in order to address his conflicting feelings and uncertainty about the next chapter of his life. It discusses the stigma attached to divorce and the unrealistic expectations society places on couples to fulfill the roles of the “perfect spouse,” and it provides insightful activities which will help couples come to one of the most important decisions of their lives.

Obviously it takes more than a band aid to mend a troubled relationship. It is a commitment to work together and overcome life’s challenges which mends hearts. Communication is key. Don’t isolate yourself from your spouse and make this decision on your own. Together find and utilize every resource available before making your final decision. And, if you do decide on divorce, make that choice together.

You Can't Rebound if You're Not in the Game

2011-01-19T01:22:00.000-08:00

By Nigel Lawson

So, you think you’re ready to start dating after a divorce? Well if so, you’re not alone. According to a 2007 Census Bureau report, of the divorced people in the U.S. aged 25 and over, 55% of men and 44% of women remarried. The truth is, people have not given up on love and finding their soul mate even after divorce.

It may be difficult in the beginning. Apprehension about dating may stem from emotional connections to an ex-wife or children. Others may feel insecure about their appearance or ability to love again. And finally, there are those divorced dudes who have been out of the dating scene so long they just don't know where to start.

The most important asset for divorced men is mindset. When the game begins you quickly realize if you’re a ballplayer or bench warmer –someone willing to get out there and meet people or someone sitting on bench staring at their shoelaces. Remember, if you’re strong enough to endure the turmoil of divorce, you’re definitely tough enough to tighten up your shoelaces and step on the court.

Be open to meeting new and exciting individuals. Don't jump into a new romantic relationship too soon. Build friendships first. You'll have plenty of people to call if you want to go out to just have a good time with no strings attached. Over time these relationships may develop into something more. Ultimately, you're in control of your own destiny. Sitting on the bench gets pretty boring after a while, so if you're ready to start dating, get in the game and give it your all.

Welcome to...

2011-01-18T00:58:00.000-08:00

By Nigel Lawson

To those visiting my blog for the first time, I welcome you. I formed this blog page along with the members of our cover band of the same name, The DDC for short. The three founding members are either divorced or separated and in the process of divorce. The fourth member is currently in a long term relationship, but plays killer blues guitar, so we decided to let him stay in the band.

I would say our band formed out of the necessity to find a positive outlet for the financial, mental, and emotional stress brought on by divorce. We discovered that music, and the joy it brought our audiences, was our best therapy. We spent countless hours rehearsing and discussing our problems. Ultimately, our discussions led to solutions which provided us the tools to deal with the unique challenges men of divorce face.

As divorced dudes, we must confront various obstacles and search for answers to several pressing questions, such as: “I have to move out of my home, so where can I find an inexpensive apartment to rent?”, “How will my divorce affect my children?”, “Where can I find a good lawyer?”, or “I’m ready to date again, so should I try my luck on the Internet?” The difficulty is finding plausible solutions quickly.

The mission of this blog and upcoming e-magazine is to offer our insights to other divorced dudes like yourself and possibly direct you to solutions that will ease some of the burden of divorce. Stay connected with The Divorced Dudes Club. Click on the Follow button and become a member today.