The Douches We Know

The Clicker 9000

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Wed, 25 May 2011 15:01:00 +0000

Chanel: That uber fancy tv remote you have is going for $40 on Icemonkey

Erick: doubtful...

Erick: ....the 600! lol steve has the 700 that was only like 80, thats the 600, mines the 900

Chanel: Whatever, remote snob

Erick: hahaha

Chanel: You know back in my day you had to get up from the couch and turn a nob ON the tv to change the channel.

Erick: what about wired remotes

Chanel: And there was only like 10 channels you could chose from....and you had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get to the tv!

Chanel: ....and without the use of your legs because everyone had polio!

Erick: outside with a crank

Chanel: Exactly! So you just think about that Mister.

Man-Horse

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Mon, 10 May 2010 23:35:00 +0000

Pagne: Omfg. I just learned that along with the immigration law our batshit crazy legislature passed a law that bans classes about Hispanic culture, makes it harder to get an abortion, and, wait for it… bans scientists from creating animal-human hybrid creatures. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Centaurs. Oh my Christ we need to get the hell out of here.

Nelly: But I was going to take “Chimeras – A How-To Guide” next semester. :(

My Mom: P.I.

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 04:40:00 +0000

Re: a police incident in my neighborhood this afternoon.

Mom: somebody just got shot as i was walking by the apts across the street! The cops r closing the entire blok off so no one gets in or out the assailant is in the neighborhood armed on foot, the helicopter is announcing 4 onlookers 2 go bak inside! Ther r swat teams everywhere!

Me: I just read the news, it was no big deal. The cops shot a guy with a knife who was threatening them. No one died.

Mom: Shot him with a knife? How!

Crikey!

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 14:42:00 +0000

Champagne: Why do large women wear animal prints so much? It makes me want to tranquilize and capture them.

Me: Tag them for migratory research.

Champagne: We've tracked the animal from Burger King to Arby's ."

At the Mall

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 00:18:00 +0000

Me: Hi. My grandma got me this sweater for my birthday last month and it's like 4 sizes too big for me. Can I exchange it?

Banana Republic Guy: Do you have a receipt?

Me: No, but the tag is still on it.

Banana Republic Guy: Ok then I can scan it and we'll have to give you the current price.

Me: That's fine. My grandma likes to leave the original price tags on things she got on clearance. I doubt it's worth what it says.

Banana Republic Guy: *scan* Um... how long ago did you get this?

Me: Last month.

Banana Republic Guy: Yeah... this was from the '06 Holiday Line. I'm afraid I can't even exchange this.

Me: *sigh* My grandma is an asshole.

At the Gym

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 02:36:00 +0000

Trainer: Can you feel that in your butt?
Me: ...oh yeah. I can feel it.

Foot, meet Mouth.

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 17:32:00 +0000

Coworker: You should move over to Violations Processing. It's pretty boring, but we get to watch videos of car accidents sometimes, so that's cool.

Me: Well I don't think car accidents are cool but I definitely want to get out of this department.

Coworker: Oh I think it's hilarious. I just watch them and laugh.
Me: Well my dad was killed in a car accident when I was 18.

Coworker: ...Fuck.

Me: FAIL.

Word.

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:11:00 +0000

Brittany says:
You'll have to come out and meet him sometime. He's a really great person
Chanel says:
word
Brittany says:
word. you've been using "word" for a long time now, lol. I think that's a lifer for you
Chanel says:
It's a good word to use to let someone know that you are in fact listening but have nothing to further add to the conversation at this moment. I think it's more polite then just not saying anything cause then it looks like you just up and walked away.
And it can mean so many things. It can mean "cool" or "Indeed" or "Understood", etc.
Brittany says:
its very vague though... I have always taken it as disinterest...
or sometimes "ok"
Chanel says:
It can also mean those things as well.
Brittany says:
lol - so how do I know!?!?
Chanel says:
No usually it does mean disinterest, but again it's more polite then just ignoring someone.
I use it mostly as a "cool" but not so much of a "Cool!" it's just a little "cool". Like "oh yeah? that's pretty cool." but not like "holy shit that's fucking awesomely cool!"
Brittany says:
yeah - so back there... the two "word"s you gave me... what were those? disinterest?
Chanel says:
Those were "cool." but not so much "ZOMG COOL!!!!1111!"
Brittany says:
oh ok
thanks for explaining
Chanel says:
Word.

Text Message

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 03:09:00 +0000

Chanel: Glenn Beck! That's the crazy guy!
Champagne: Oh yeah that guy's insane. How did you forget that? He has the same last name as us.
Chanel: I know, right?

Champagne: My new headache pills look like suppositories. Remind me to show you later.

Roflibopplecopter

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 16:25:00 +0000

Chanel: What does "FML" mean?
Billy: haha fuck my life
Chanel: ohhh
Billy: I abbreviate a lot. fml fyl smc soc ihyf.
Chanel: See you can't just make up your own abbreviations, otherwise no one will get them. There's already an established text abbreviation language.
Chanel: That would be like me trying to submit the word "Flibopple" to Mirriam-Webster. And damnit Billy, the internet has protocols!
Billy: ef that language. idgaf! Everyone i talk to knows what i'm talking about.
Chanel: Without them we are no better then monkies!
Billy: flibopple?
Chanel: You heard me!
Billy: no way! that we follow them makes us slaves! i'd rather be a monkey than slave to an inhuman machine bent on dumbing down and controlling every aspect of our lives!
Chanel: Yeah yeah, Anarchy in the UK and all that.
Chanel: Want half an everything bagel with no cream cheese?
Billy: that sounds uh-mazing

I hate my co-workers

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 21:08:00 +0000

Half a day's worth of real conversations from the 20 year old co-worker that sits in the cubicle next to me:

Co-worker: I can't eat bread because I'm lactose intolerant.
Me: .......

Co-worker: So I have a cousin that's retarded. Like literally he's retarded. He's 27 and has the mind of a 10 year old ya know. He really loves going to Chuck E. Cheese, it's soooo sad. Retards just break your heart.
Me: .......

I never respond and she just keeps talking.

Co-worker: Ok, I'm all for interracial work places but like why is 90% of the call center department races other then 'straight from England whites'? Like I'm not racist or anything but when I'm in the bathroom I can tell when a Mexican walks in because they're always on their cell phone and they clomp their feet around cause they drag their feet all the time.
Me: .......

On Grooming

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:51:00 +0000

McKay: So besides an hour where I sat at Arby's and read, i've just been going back and forth between sitting at my couch and my computer in my underwear since 7 am

McKay: and napping.

Me: sometimes life is hard, dude.

McKay: oh, and my face his half shaven.

Me: haha! why?

McKay: Because I shave a little and then get sick of it, and then go sit down.

McKay: And i hadn't shaved since thursday, and i hate shaving early before work.

Me: that's easily the laziest thing I've heard of in ages

McKay: But at least I get the job done.

McKay: Slow and steady....

Me: haha

McKay: only one small patch left

Me: you should be able to get it done before work tomorrow

Me: I believe in you, McKay.

McKay: Yep

Aye, Captain

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:26:00 +0000

Champagne: Computer, locate Chanel

Chanel: Computer - "Heading Southeast bound towards the breakroom...I mean 10-forward."

Importance: High

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:05:00 +0000

________________________________________
From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:54 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you
Importance: High

Did you get that thing I sent you?

-Chanel
Image Review Specialist

________________________________________
From: Champagne
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:59 AM
To: 'Chanel
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

You mean that thing you just sent me, just now?

________________________________________
From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:02 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you
Importance: High

Yes. Where are you on that?

________________________________________
From: Champagne
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:04 AM
To: 'Chanel'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

Oh we’re on top of that, Nelly.

________________________________________

From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:04 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

Excellent!

Breaking News

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 23:59:00 +0000

I know, I was shocked too- Daniel Baldwin is actually considered a celebrity.

Clay pigeons are fuckers!

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Thu, 28 May 2009 21:23:00 +0000

Channing: On Memorial Day I accidentally shot a helpless bird with a 12ga shotgun and I felt pretty bad

Chanel: Aww poor birdie! Why would you do that??

Channing: To be honest the bird had to be fuckin retarded

Chanel: lol

Channing: We were at an outdoor shooting range shooting skeet and for some reason a lot of birds like to nest around the range and under the roof. Like you'd think the constant gunfire would clue them in

Chanel: Oh well then I guess it's just natural selection.

Channing: So the fag just flies over the ridge right infront of the clay I was shooting and he pretty much exploded and I missed the clay

Chanel: The fag? lol

Channing: Yes fuck that bird

Chanel: I'm pretty sure you did. So you win.

Channing: Does it make me more American if I kill something on Memorial Day

Chanel: Fuck yeah it does.

Channing: Tight

Channing: Afk getting an american flag tat on my back with a crying bald eagle cluthing a shotgun

Chanel: What American DOESN'T kill something on Memorial Day? I killed a drifter myself. Then I sold his organs on the black market and guess what I bought with the money? An HDTV and a foam finger made with child labor in China. Beat that!

Channing: You should have bought guns! Your going to be fucked when arizona seceeds from the union

Chanel: Crap, you're right!

Channing: And by then most of the homeless will be dead and the organ market will be satureated...Or we could conscript them and form a hobo army

Chanel: Go on...

Channing: Armed with broken bottles and crack cocained laced with the piss of a T-rex that we genetically engineered to ride into battle

Chanel: You know when I met you I had a good feeling you'd be a pro-active candidate for evil-doing. I'm glad I didn't interview anyone else.

One hour later...

Channing: I like it when teammates ask you to do things for them like mass delete 800 accounts most of which are active buying accounts used everyday and your teammate doesn't bother to check this beforehand

Chanel: And then you get blamed right?

Channing: I wish she nested at a shooting range

Chanel: lmao

I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Fri, 22 May 2009 03:22:00 +0000

Gym Guy: The imporant thing about weight loss is to take in less calories than you expand. I mean, you don't have to give up all your favorite stuff. I don't want you to eat like a squirrel or anything.

Pagne: That's good. I don't imagine squirrel tastes very good.

Humandals

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Fri, 22 May 2009 03:20:00 +0000

Pagne: Dude, these are the most comfortable sandals I've ever worn.
Pagne: I want to have their human-dal hybrid offspring.

They're always after me Margaritaville!

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:49:00 +0000

Bobby: You still on the row team ?

Me: The what?

Bobby: The ROW team you know where your in the water with your team and you row to the finish line

Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you drunk?

Bobby: Not drunk just making shit up, trying to get a laugh outta ya

Me: Yeah right, you’ve been sucking back on grandma’s cough medicine. Don’t deny it.

Me: But yes, I am still on the Row team. You know me, going out and doing all that rowing, in all that water that we have out here in Arizona. I keep my boat in the trunk of my car actually. You’re probably thinking “Gosh Chanel, how do you fit a whole boat in the trunk of your car?” well to answer your question it’s a folding boat. Yup, folds right up. I like to keep it next to the pot of gold I stole from the lucky charms leprechaun last time I saw Jimmy Buffet in concert. But aaaaanyways I digress….

Scrote tent

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:43:00 +0000

Me: The wind is scarey, Dragan!
Dragan: I'm scared too! Hold me between your giant boobs!
Me: Hold me between your giant balls!
Dragan: I'll stretch out my scrotum and use it as a tent.
Me: I have faith your scrote will protect us from the elements!
Dragan: Me too, I have faith in it.

Eloquence

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:17:00 +0000

Chanel: Brittnaw!!
Brittany: Nella!
Chanel: Brittnaw!
Brittany: Nellllllla!
Chanel: BRIIIITTNAAAAAAWWWW!!!!!
Brittany: NEEEELLAAA!!
Chanel: Alright. Good talking with you.
Brittany: You too, take care.

Lord of the Carpool

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 03:53:00 +0000

(ex-coworker)

Mar 16 2009 8:37 PM

Comment Back - Send Message - Block User

congrats! i have approved you!

so how lame is the carpool without me?! lol.

Pagne

Mar 16 2009 8:51 PM

Team Carpool has not been the same without you. It lacks a certain joy. The Fellowship is broken.

Nerdy Candy

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 17:50:00 +0000

Matty B: I barely know what blogs are I think they are like the nerd candies with two different flavor choices, but some how they both get mixed up and end on the other side.

We don't need another hero!

noreply@blogger.com (Chanel) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 21:24:00 +0000

Champagne: You know that scene in Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dorm...er Thunder Dome?
Chanel: Did you just say "Thunder Dorm"?
Champagne: Haha, yeah sorry. Thunder Dome.
Chanel: Dude that needs to be a real thing, like down at ASU or something.
Champagne: Two bros enter, one bro leave.

The Pagne Is Mightier

noreply@blogger.com (Pagne) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 01:08:00 +0000

Mom: (while perusing a novelty quill pen at Walgreens) Are quill pens pretty easy to write with?

Pagne: Well no, actually, they're kind of a pain in the ass. They fell out of favor for a reason, you know.