“The next time we meet, we are going to change your life forever.”

That was what I had said to Brian the last time I’d met with him, and here he was again, sitting on my couch. Normally, I don’t think much about just what the heck I say to anyone, but since I’d been on a sabbatical, Brian was the only client I’d seen. So Brian kept getting stuck in my head like that alien worm in that “Star Trek: Khan” movie.

Now, when Brian had told me that he was unhappy even though his life was happy, I had assured him there was another life he needed to have. I told him he was probably like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, and any day now he would discover who he really was and start saving some children while avoiding swimming pools.

The problem is, no matter if all that was true, none of that seemed to be sitting right with Brian, or sounded right to me when the words came past my mustache. Normally, pretty much every word that travels out of my mouth sounds dead-on, and it was irritating me that solving Brian’s life had me so pickled.

“Brian,” I said, “I give up.”

Brian looked a bit confused. “You give up?”

“Yep. You see, Brian, everything I’ve said to you should have been the right thing. Most clients come in here, and I just say the first thing that comes off the top of my head, and then kablam, problem solved. It’s either that they need to stop being an idiot, or they need to stop acting like an idiot, or they need to stop thinking that they’re an idiot.”

“Okay,” said Brian. “And what about me?”

“It’s obvious I don’t have a plum clue about you, Brian. And I always thought I had an answer for everything. I gotta tell ya, you’ve really ruined my life.”

“I’m… sorry?” Brian stuttered.

I waved his comment away. “I wouldn’t be sorry. Sometimes life needs some ruining. And then what you do is you let that life go and you make a new one. It may look almost identical to the old one, but the difference is that you know something different about that life. So how you treat it is going to be a heck of a lot different than before. I used to think that what defined me, Dr. Matt, was that there wasn’t anything I couldn’t solve. But maybe what really defines me is that there isn’t anything I’m afraid to face. Also, my mustache.”

“But what about me?” said Brian. “I still don’t know what to do about my life.”

“I haven’t the faintest, Brian. I’m sure it’s simple, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is. And for whatever reason, that seems perfectly alright by me.”

Shortly after, Brian left my office. He tried to start a debate about paying for the session, but I’m not running a charity here.

I went downstairs and found Midgie, who had just finished making some of that tasty strawberry lemonade, and handed me a glass like she’d been waiting for me.

“How did it go?” she asked me.

“You know, Midgie, it went pretty well,” I said. “In fact, I think I might get back to work, and give the world a lot more of me. Regardless of what the world thinks it wants, it’s really the best for me. I’m glad I did this sabbatical. I learned something about me, and I did it without anyone else’s help. I learned that I’m not afraid to face anything.”

Midgie put down her glass and smiled.

“I’m pregnant.”

Brian sat in my office for about 10 minutes while I thought about what to say to him. You see, I had decided to fix Brian. And, so far, Brian was not an easy person to fix.

When Brian came into my office over two months ago, it seemed like he had a fairly simple problem. Everything in his life seemed to be going exactly right, yet he wasn’t feeling happy. This was perplexing, for sure, because whenever things are going right for me, I’m completely happy. For instance, I’ve been on a sabbatical, which is a fancy word meaning “taking a break from doing the divine work of making everyone’s life better”. I haven’t been taking on any clients (except for Brian), and I haven’t been as much in the public eye. Taking a sabbatical was right for me, and it’s kept me perfectly happy.

So, it didn’t make sense that Brian would be doing things that seemed like the right ones, but wouldn’t be feeling so great about it. Of course, this got me thinking, which is why I’d been sitting there for a good 10 minutes while Brian fidgeted on the couch. If doing the right things makes you happy, and Brian wasn’t happy, then–

“Brian,” I said, “I think I know what the issue is.”

“Yes?” he asked.

“Brian, have you ever seen Unbreakable, with Bruce Willis?”

Brian frowned. “No, I don’t think I have.”

“Well, let me break it down for you. Bruce Willis is like Superman or someone like that, and has the ability to see ghosts and read peoples minds by touching them, sort of like Captain Picard on X-Men, and anyway, the thing is, he doesn’t really know he has superpowers. He just thinks he’s some average cop who just happens to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time. But because he’s always subconsciously denied his superpowers, it makes his life miserable. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with his life, it’s just not the life that he’s supposed to have. It’s not a life that really reflects who he is, which is a guy who can always defeat the terrorists not just with his superpowers but with his clever witticisms, which always makes those terrorists do the wrong thing. Am I making sense to you, Brian?”

“Um…” Brian seemed a little lost, and I could tell that I’d really given him something to think about. I was glad that Unbreakable had popped into my head. It’s a character I’ve always identified with for some reason. I don’t know if it’s because of Bruce Willis’s good looks or his quiet charm, but slap a mustache on that guy and it could be a movie about my life, if you substitute super-strength with the super-ability-to-fix-people and you substitute a weakness for water with no weaknesses whatsoever.

“Anyway, Brian,” I said, “the point is we need to find what the life is that you’ve denied yourself. Something that you’ve retreated from, or ‘taken a sabbatical’ from, if you prefer to call it that. While there’s nothing wrong with the life you have, it’s not necessarily your life, the life that’s going to make you 100% Brian, up until you find out Samuel L. Jackson is a crazy mass murderer.” (SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read the previous sentence if you haven’t seen Unbreakable and don’t want it ruined.)

“So, what is that life, Dr. Matt?” asked Brian.

“Well, let’s find out,” I said. “There’s no reason to rush things, Brian. After all, we’ve got all the time in the world, and if we fix you too soon it impacts my residual income.” I stood up. “You think about it in the meantime, and the next time we meet, we’re going to change your life forever.”

I let Brian go and re-scheduled our next session. Then I went to watch some Bruce Willis movies, because it’s something you can do as much as you want on your sabbatical. I tell you, this is the life.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

The nice thing about a sabbatical is that you can work if you want to; you just give yourself an excuse not to for most of the time. In other words, it’s like attending a university, only for professional people and not lazy hippies.

Anyway, I decided to open my office to clients for a short time last month, and I had a new fellow walk in by the name of Brian.

Brian had stress written all over him. He looked done in enough that if you gave him a gentle shove, he would topple over. To test that theory, I gave said shove and he immediately fell over backwards onto my couch.

“What did you do that for?” Brian asked me.

“Please don’t question my methods, Brian, I’m a professional,” I said. Brian looked me up and down as if he’d never seen a man in flip-flops, a Hawaiian shirt and sun hat, which, as you know, is the traditional sabbatical uniform.

Rather than get into Brian’s obvious visible judgment of my appearance, I decided to talk to him about his other issues, or at least the one that brought him in there.

“The question you should be asking instead, Brian,” I said, “is just what the heck has got you so worn down.”

“I don’t know,” said Brian. “Everything seems to be going right. That’s what’s so weird about why I feel this way.”

“Start with what’s right, then,” I said, reaching for a glass of strawberry lemonade that Midgie had made earlier. Today’s lemonade was extra good, which I usually took to mean she was buttering me up for something. However, I’m not a man who resists being buttered, no matter the reason.

“Well,” said Brian, “my life is actually pretty good. I have a great family, and I have a great job. It pays well and it’s a decent schedule. My house is beautiful, and I even have the dog that I always wanted. I don’t understand what else I could put in that mix to make it more great, but… something doesn’t seem quite right.”

“Well you don’t look right,” I said. “Have you ever thought about going on a sabbatical?” I thought for a second, then waved my hand. “Don’t answer that, that might be something you have to earn,” I continued. “Tell me what doesn’t seem right.”

“I don’t know,” said Brian, “but I’ve felt tired and uneasy. Every time I get promoted in my job, I get more and more anxious, even though I know I can do it, and I like the work.”

“Brian, if all we had to do in order to be happy is run through a checklist of publicly-accepted happiness-generating activities, you’d be happy as a clam that is happy from his happy clam checklist.”

“The thing is,” I continued, “none of those things on your checklist have to do with who you are, which is what a happy life is all about. And by the look on your face, you don’t know what the heck I’m talking about, which is where the problem is. Someone gave you a formula for happiness that is just plum stupid, which is how you can be unhappy even in the happiest of circumstances.”

Brian, like many others who had sat exactly where he was sitting, just looked at me with an expression of pure confusion.

“Look at it this way, Brian,” I said, “you yourself have found a logical flaw in a belief system you have. You have no ‘reason’ to be unhappy, and yet you are. As a result, you’ve concluded that what’s wrong must be you, instead of the premise of that belief.”

I let that sink in as I emptied my lemonade. Getting treats from Midgie was one of the unexpected bonuses of going on a sabbatical, and some treats were extra special, such as activities where we invited our friend Kate. Just the same, I was getting restless on this sabbatical, and I figured I should probably get back to a full work schedule again. But for some reason, the thought of doing exactly what I was doing before wasn’t that motivating. I couldn’t imagine any pinnacle greater than the kind of work I do, so this was a bit confusing, but that’s what sabbaticals are for: to wait around and not think about stuff until you get bored enough to go back to what you were doing before.

Brian shook his head. “Dr. Matt, I couldn’t think about anything to change, really. What would I even do differently in my life?”

“That’s not the problem,” I said. “The problem is that humans evolve. Some humans evolve quicker than others, and some humans do everything in their power to evolve as slowly as possible. But, for you, you’ve come to a point where resisting your evolution is consuming all of your energy. It’s not about what you do differently, Brian. As I said, this is about who you are. This is about being something different. What you do as a result is irrelevant.”

I could see that this got Brian’s wheels spinning. “But… what would that be? What does that even mean?” he asked me.

I rubbed my mustache. “I’ll tell you what, Brian. I’ll take you on as a client, and we’ll figure it out.” I figured it was easier to tell Brian that than to tell him I hadn’t the foggiest how to answer that question. Sometimes, when you don’t know something, stalling for as long as possible is the best strategy.

I ended our session and scheduled another one with Brian for a month later. I figured I might as well get back to work. Of course, in the meantime, I headed to the kitchen for more of that tasty lemonade. Midgie always picked up fruits from the cart that a local guy, Gustav Streiff, set up by the farmer’s market. I’m glad she had such an aptitude for making such delicious fruit drinks and smoothies, because I never seem to know the first thing to do when Streiff hands me lemons.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

#10 – Stop being an idiot

Look, I don’t care if it’s robots or zombies that might take over, the bottom line is that idiots are the first to die either way. So, it’s time to start becoming aware of your surroundings and getting a sense of what’s coming around the corner. Because it may be planning to eat / enslave / re-program you.

#9 – Keep in shape

Who knows when you may need a good run? And if it’s not to save your life, it’s still good to keep the blood flowing, unless a zombie / robot caused it.

#8 – Improve your sleeping habits

You never know when you might have a sudden 48 hours without sleep because of some chaotic event that may or may not involved John Cusack. (If that happens, count yourself lucky. It could have been an event involving Joan Cusack.) So, you’ll want keep yourself well-rested, just in case.

#7 – Learn a new skill, such as programming or hand-to-hand combat

Folks, if there’s anything that Jeff Goldblum and Keanu Reeves have taught us, it’s that the only way to master technology is to see what makes it tick. So the best tool to disable a robot threat is to be able to create a computer virus on the spur of the moment.

Or, similarly, you may need to subdue an unruly mob using nothing but the power of your fists. So start brushing up now.

For zombies, learning knife throwing will probably do the trick.

#6 – Practice

It’s all good and fine to learn something, but it’s something else entirely to practice it to a point of mastery. So learn a little thing called discipline and practice those new skills plus the skills you’ve learned before, but are a little rusty on, such as how to use a chainsaw.

#5 – Keep your receipts

Look, if you think that tax revenue agencies will go away just because the world ends, then you’ve got more learnin’ to do. Global chaos and mass hysteria will not stop a tax agency from calling you and threatening to garnish your wages if you do not file on time.

#4 – Adopt a pet

No matter what happens, you’re going to want company. There’s a number of pet adoption agencies around, and they often have more pets than people who walk in to adopt. And since pets are susceptible to different contagions than humans, then the pet-to-person ratio may only increase in 2012.

#3 – Love who you can, while you can

You may not get another chance at this, so don’t be stingy at who you give your affection to, whether it’s your lover, your friends, or your interns.

#2 – Be confident about your chances

Remember, there’s always a possible scenario that enables someone like you to be President or Prime Minister or Supreme Ruler of your respective country. If it could be someone like you, then why not let it be you? What you can achieve is unbelievable, even more so in unbelievable times. So write a few acceptance speeches “just in case”.

#1 – Write your own to-do list

No reason to stop here. There’s probably a few other things that you could think about doing just in case the world ends. Some people call it a bucket list, but it’s more accurately called a “Things For Me To Do In Case The World Ends” list.  (You may want to get a large piece of paper just to fit that title.) And one of your items should definitely be to create another to-do list. I learned this trick not from Mr. Goldblum or Mr. Reeves but from Leonardo DiCaprio.

Enjoy the coming year! If we’re both still alive by the end of it, then you can thank me at the safe zone in New New York.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

Now, this debate has many sides. There are some that say that stupid parents should never be flogged, especially in full view of the public, and at the hands of some kind of town disciplinarian. Others say that the children of those parents who have grown into adulthood have the right to discipline their parents as they please. After all, their parents did something stupid, and the children say that stupid parents need to know the consequences of their actions; otherwise, they may just do the same stupid crap again.

Some people are against publicly flogging their own aged parents for all their ridiculously unthinking actions, but say if another person wants to see their parents publicly flogged, and perhaps dunked in tar and covered in feathers, that’s really their choice, and such choices should remain in the family.

In the case of the Texas judge, this parent made a statement about not regretting his actions, which does lend weight to the public flogging side. As they say in Texas, “Spare the flog and spoil the parent.”

I say, let’s not be too hasty. Sometimes stupid parents can learn their lesson from a good time-out, in which you don’t call them for a while, and begin taking away their nursing home funds. Or, sometimes, having a talk with them about how idiotic and harmful their actions were and what effect it had can teach them some amount of empathy.

It’s hard to make universal rules for this, because each parent is different. The mistake might be to do nothing. Talk with your siblings and friends about the most appropriate and caring way to deal with stupid parents, and then act swiftly. After all, those parents aren’t going to publicly flog themselves anytime soon, and you don’t want them to grow up to be any worse.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

About his former marriage to Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt had said this: “I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

Now, you might be thinking that Brad Pitt might benefit from my book, When It Comes To Relationships, You’ve Been An Idiot, so that he would know how to treat someone who’s been a former relationship partner. While that may be true, the person with the relationship problem isn’t Brad Pitt. The problem is the rest of you.

I don’t know if you noticed, but nowhere in that statement did Mr. Pitt criticize Ms. Aniston. He criticized himself and his approach to his marriage. But that didn’t stop the author of this article, a Kimberly Nordyke, from implying that he had betrayed his former wife.  And it didn’t stop the rest of the Internet from jumping on the bandwagon.  In the comments on the article, some of you called Brad Pitt a jerk and a loser, and insulted his current partner Angelina Jolie as being an overbearing, mentally-unstable seductress who collects babies for fun and/or profit.

Guess what, people. When you get mad about the relationship outcome for people that you don’t personally know, then it doesn’t have anything to do with their relationships. If you hate Angelina for what she did to poor Jen, then it doesn’t mean that Angie is a bad person; it means that you’re too chicken to face how you feel about your own relationship experiences. Instead of dealing with how you feel, you’d rather find a stranger with a pretty face and kick the crap out of them instead. If you think that Brad Pitt speaking honestly about his marriage is too much to handle, again, for the inexplicably delicate Jennifer Aniston, then you’d rather undermine the strength of women then give up your pitiful excuse-making out of your own victimhood.

Internet (and that includes you, Kimberly Nordyke), if you think I’m being hard on you, I guess I just don’t have much patience for your sexist, destructive mouth diarrhea that seeks to destroy a current relationship for no good reason other than your own cowardice. When I said that when it comes to relationships, you’d been an idiot, clearly I wasn’t using strong enough language. Because, when it comes to the relationship between yourself and the family of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, you’ve been an shining example of top-notch douchebaggery.

Now, I wouldn’t say that all of the actions of these famous people have been courteous 100% of the time, but as for Brad Pitt, it hasn’t come without healthy self-examination, which is what his quote speaks to. In fact, he followed up with a public statement in support of his former wife, due to the blatant and intentional misinterpretation by the masses. When was the last time that any of you sent a press release praising the virtues of your ex? My guess is never.

If you don’t like what I’m saying, it’s because this is actual criticism. Hopefully, this way you’ll know what criticism looks like and, in the future, you won’t falsely accuse Brad Pitt of it.  (Kimberly Nordyke.)

But I can understand why you might be upset, and why you might have been upset at Brad Pitt in the first place. I think you’re faced with a dilemma. If Angelina and Brad and Jennifer aren’t actually playing out the roles you’ve handed to them, then you’re left with a handful of roles. It’s just you and those roles that you hold. You’re left with the role of a betrayer, a seductress, a jerk, a loser, a victim, and a crazy person who collects babies.

What you don’t understand is that you have a choice.  Sure, you could continue to try to hurl your craptasms at someone else. See if it takes long enough for them to bounce back to you that you feel some reprieve. Or you could let go of them. Someone might call that “forgiveness”, but I call it: “Stop being a dumbass.”

Folks, it’s time to take responsibility for what roles you want to hold, and time to take responsibility for yourself. Because someday, you might be on the receiving end, where someone throws a role at you, and you can say, “You know what? I think that the fact that you called me an idiot has nothing to do with me.” And you’d be absolutely correct.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

Last time, we talked about what you deserve.  But once you get the inkling about what you deserve, there’s still a number of things that can stand in the way of getting that pile of deserving. Before you start going around pointing and blaming possible things that stand in your way, the biggest road block is not one you can shake a finger at. That’s right, it’s fear.

Folks, fear is probably the most worthless of all feelings. Sure, it’s valuable when you’re being chased by a saber-tooth tiger who is hell bent on devouring you whole. But, I don’t know if you noticed, but there ain’t many saber-tooth tigers around anymore. The problem is, we have this whole whack of feelings that we evolved as a necessity for survival, but more than likely, we find most of our survival needs easily met. Since there’s no saber-tooth tigers to pin our fear on, we pin it on whether or not there’s enough milk left for our cereal, or the possibility that we’re going to have a bad haircut.

When we want to change something, fear pops up like a pesky groundhog. Instead of flushing out that groundhog immediately, we often sulk and abandon our nice manicured lawn to the fear. Worse yet, our fear can be so powerful that we begin to justify its existence. “Oh, I don’t think a manicured lawn was really for me,” you say, or “Maybe groundhogs are just a sign for me to live in a basement.” In other words, you think that you and the fear have to find common ground.

Let’s shoot that idea right in the face. It’s time to see that fear is out to destroy every ounce of ground you’ve gained, not because it is evil, but because its little walnet-size brain doesn’t know whose ground it’s messing with. If you want to coddle and nurse the fear, that’s fine. You could even help it by going out there with a shovel and digging your own holes.

I know, destroying fear is scary. You look out and see these long, giant mounds of upturned dirt, and it might seem like there’s some kind of giant snake living in the ground you want to gain back. But no, it’s just a stupid little furry thing. Kill it. Kill it until it’s dead.

Or, if you want to be nicer to a little destructive furry thing, then trap it and move it to where it can’t be so pesky. After all, you might come across a bear one day, and you’ll need to defend yourself with your little furry bundle of fear.

What’s that? A groundhog isn’t much good in an encounter with a bear? Oh, well, I guess it’s best to let it go then. After all, if you want to change your life, then carrying around a groundhog in a cage doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

I don’t mean for me.  I’m happy as a clam who has been invited to a clam honoring ceremony, in which he or she is about to receive an award for Most Delightful Clam.  I can’t think of other circumstances in which a clam would be happy, so that will have to do.

No, I’m talking about you, of course, to you folks out there who are ready for a change.

You see, I’ve decided to tell you how to change your life: dramatically, completely, and irreversibly.  Sure, I’ve probably mentioned how to do this on other occasions.  In fact, practically everything I’ve written should have done this already, but now I think it’s time to get you a bit more involved.  After all, you may have specific ideas about how you want your life to change.

Chances are, though, that you don’t actually have the specifics.  In fact, I’d bet a pile of lizard tails that you have a hard time accepting that you deserve anything different from what you already got.  So, before we start talking about making a change, I think you and I have to have a sit-down about your deservability.

Folks, most people think that life has to be earned. You think you have to work hard in order to have a life of travel.  You think you need to invest time in some crappy thing in order to get some other good thing.  What you don’t realize is that this idea is a crap sandwich with a side of poo pie.  Plus a coffee.

People give you this idea because they’ve already eaten the same crap sandwich, and they don’t think it’s fair that you shouldn’t have to endure the misery that they have.  In fact, they probably were handed a crap sandwich from day one, only it would have been puréed so as to be digestible by a human baby.

Step one is seeing that the idea that you have to earn your life implies that you have to earn it from all those other sandwich-eaters out there, when they themselves haven’t earned the right to judge who’s earned what.  If no one, then, is a fair judge of what you’ve earned, not your boss nor your family nor your friends, then what you deserve is limitless.

“Deserve is a strong word, Dr. Matt,” you’re probably saying.  You’re thinking to yourself that it sounds rational that you don’t have to earn anything from anyone else, but to deserve it is a whole other crazy idea.

Well, get crazy, folks. Deserving means that you’ve reached a threshold of contribution which should reward you with something.  If you take away the idea that you have to give and give to the people around you, that your contributions are inherently required, in order to have anything for yourself, then all you’re left with is the deserving.

I probably just blew your mind.  Am I suggesting that getting what you want doesn’t take work?  Heck, no.  You can’t end up with 50 gallons of milk without milking a few cows.  All I’m saying is that it’s not up to your friends and family whether or not you deserved the milk.  And certainly not the cow.  If it’s not up to anyone else, well, then I guess it comes down to you, pardner.

So, if you want to make a change, then first you have to come to the fact that your life belongs to you.  I mean, after all, unless you’re some kind of zombie, vampire, or alien, you’re the one living it.  Incidentally, if you are some kind of zombie, vampire, or alien, I’m on to you.

In my next post, you and I are going to start going about making some changes.  That is, you are going to make some changes, and I’m going to tell you how.  Don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything in order for me to help you out.  You already deserve me.  Isn’t that fantastic?

Of course, if you want to work with me one-on-one, that’ll be $300/hour.  I’m not running a charity here.

-Dr. Matt

flickr.com/guccibear2005

Dear Dr. Matt-

Hello, My name is Chris and in our High School Biology class, we are doing a project in which we have to interview a certain scientist and make a PowerPoint about that field. I was picked with Gynecologist and I was wondering if you could help me out and answer a few questions. It would be a great help since their are not many Gynecologist out there that have their emails online. If you can help, here are the following questions:

1. What do you do at your job?
2. What type of degree is needed?
3. What types of courses in high school would be helpful?
4. What science skills are necessary?
5. What is a normal day like in your field?
6. What is the expected salary range? (it is alright not to answer)
7. What are the pros and cons of your career?
8. Do you love your career? Why?

If you could answer these questions, it would be great. My project is due on Wednesday, June 15, so if I could get it by then, it would be great. Thanks!

Dear Chris-

I would be happy to answer these questions which will secure you a top grade for your class.  While I’m not a “gynecologist” in the strictest sense, in the sense of being trained in the field of “gynecology” or any medical profession, I’d like to think that I know my way around a vagina.  There shouldn’t be any topic that Dr. Matt can’t answer, uninformed or not, so let’s tackle your questions.

1. What do you do at your job?

Mostly, I tell people what to do, and they pay me.  And then I tell other people what I told those people, and then those other people pay me.  I basically get paid multiple times for saying whatever comes to mind.

But, if I were in the role of a gynecologist, then essentially what I would do is look at lady bits, and then I would ask questions to the lady such as, “Does it feel uncomfortable when I poke this bit with a cold pokey thing?” and “Could you tell me which bit of the bits I’m currently looking at?”

2. What type of degree is needed?

I’m not personally a fan of degrees, but I assume most gynecologists have a degree that’s called simply “Gynecology” or perhaps “Advanced Humanities”.

3. What types of courses in high school would be helpful?

Hmm, other than Biology, I’m not sure what other high school courses are applicable.  I’d say that since a lot of this type of job relies on up-close examination, do most of your research out of class.  Remember, always treat women respectfully, especially if they give you permission to see what’s what, and even more so if they are a relative.

4. What science skills are necessary?

Science is fairly silly, but probably what is going to be most helpful for you in understanding any aspect of women is deduction.  Learn how to gather evidence and draw conclusions.  For instance, if, whenever a female gets close to you, she suddenly turns around and “has homework to finish,” then you can deduce that something is clearly turning down her interest.  You can test out different hypotheses such as “more frequent showering will interest the females”.

5. What is a normal day like in your field?

First, I wake up next to my beautiful lover, a woman named Midgie.  If the mood is right, then I perform a gynecological exam.  I’ll say it like that because I don’t want to harm your fragile high-school brain.

Next, I make myself some eggs.  Now, I’ve started to eat a bit more vegetables lately, so what I like to do is cut up some mushrooms and throw in some handfuls of spinach. With spinach, you can really throw in more than you think you’re going to need.  It tends to really cook down to almost nothing.  If I’m feeling adventurous, I might put in some broccoli.  Midgie thinks broccoli is a little strange for eggs, but for me, it really hits the spot, especially if I’m going to top it all off with some cheddar cheese and salsa.

Some other things happen throughout my day after that, but I don’t want to talk your ear off.

6. What is the expected salary range? (it is alright not to answer)

Chris, trust me, you’re going to get asked this question a lot as you get older.  Thing is, whatever you think you deserve, and therefore offer as a number, is what you tend to get.  People value you, Chris, to the extent that you value yourself.  So, let’s save you a lot of heartache and say that the expected salary range is between 1 and 2 million dollars.

7. What are the pros and cons of your career?

Pros: 2-million dollar salary
Cons: None that I can think of

8. Do you love your career? Why?

As a person who’s become interested in the field of gynecology in the last 15 minutes, I’d have to say that yes, it’s something that I love dearly.  You see, women are precious to me.  I like anyone that can offer a perspective that I may not have, and women have a perspective unlike anything else on this planet.

Here’s something else, Chris.  We tend to anthropomorphise  the world around us, and we do that based on what we know about human bodies.  If a man projects a female persona on something like a boat or a car, then it’s become a stand-in for his relationships with women.  It externalizes his knowledge and allows him to explore his feelings for the opposite sex in a way that feels masculine.  So, the more a man knows about the female form, the more he can explore what he’s learned by interacting with that externalization.

If I lost you on that last bit, don’t worry.  What I’m saying is that fake gynecology has made my relationship with my iPhone, “Shelley”, all the more important.  I never let that phone run out of juice.  In fact, I probably plug in the power cable about 6 times a day, especially just after I wake up in the morning.

Incidentally, Chris, if you know anything about iPhones, then maybe you can tell me how to turn off those damn notification pop-ups.  Seems like some app is always telling me what to do, but then it never tells me where to go to do it.

Thanks for your questions!  With my help, I know you’ll ace this project.

If any of your classmates have questions after you present this, tell ’em to ask Dr. Matt.

-Dr. Matt

While I hadn’t seen her in years, I could instantly tell that Sally had changed. She was no longer dangerously overweight, and she didn’t walk around like a hurt puppy, certainly not a morbidly obese one.

I asked her what changed in the five years since I’d seen her. “A lot has changed, Dr. Matt,” she said. “At first I didn’t know what you were talking about with all that stuff about barrels of gunpowder and decks on my ship and Russell Crowe.”

This instantly got me thinking about the fact that I hadn’t seen Russell Crowe in a movie for some time, which worried me, but I temporarily set my concern aside.

“Go on,” I said.

“Well, Dr. Matt, I wouldn’t say I understood what to do overnight.  None of what you said really made any sense,” she said.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “a lot of my clients say that.”

“Oh.  Well, anyway, like I said, I don’t know that I ever figured it out, but the more I was determined to change things, the more things changed without me understanding how.”

“Well that sounds pretty good,” I said.

“But that’s the thing,” said Sally.  “There’s still more I want to change, but I don’t really understand how I got to where I am.  I figure that if I can figure it out, then it won’t take me five years again.”

“Sally, in Texas we have a saying: ‘There’s nothing like sitting back and talking to your cows.'”

“What does that mean?” asked Sally.

“I’m not sure exactly,” I said, “but Pop used to say it a lot.  He said a lot of things that I didn’t understand, but for some reason, having it in my brain seemed to rattle some things free at times.  You talking about what you didn’t understand made me think of it.”

“Well, that’s interesting…” said Sally.

“It sure is,” I said.  “He also used to say, ‘There’s nothing more terrifying than having nothing to be afraid of.’ ”

“Do you think that’s what I’m afraid of?” asked Sally.

“I don’t really have a clue,” I said.  “To tell the truth, I don’t really understand why you’re here.  I mean, obviously, you already stopped having problems, so I’m not sure what else I can accomplish.  But I’m not going to spend a lot of time thinking about it.  I figure if I just let myself talk, then whatever needs to come out of my mouth will come out.  I prefer not to over-use my brain.”

“Hmm, so maybe I’m over-thinking,” said Sally.

I shrugged.

“And maybe,” continued Sally, “I’m afraid because now that I’ve gotten myself this far, I realize that I have a say in how my life turns out.  I guess I used to see myself as a victim of other people’s choices, and now I know that I’m in charge of my life.  But then my brain gets involved and I want to control a perfect outcome.”

“In fact,” she continued, “when everything was crushing down on me in the past, all I could do was feel sorry for myself.  I was sure where I fit into that picture because I could feel it.  And now with nothing to feel sorry for, I don’t feel where I am.”

At this point, I really wondered just what the heck she needed me for, but I added: “All I was pointing out is that you’ve accomplished a great deal.  So, if you want to know where you are, start by acknowledging what got you here.”

“You’re right, Dr. Matt!  I got me here!” Sally squealed excitedly.   “So, if I got me this far, then I can do it again!”

At last, I could see that Sally had more work to do, and where I would be needed.  You see, she wasn’t able to recognize that I was the one who had got her this far, so it was going to take some time before we might make some progress.

Which is good.  After all, if I didn’t people who needed me to tell them what to do, I’m not sure where I’d be.  Sometimes, there’s nothing like sitting back and talking to your clients.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

Sanford was recently hit by a doozy of a tornado, an event that always produces a pile of stories, some heart-warming, and some heart-breaking.  However, one story in particular stood out for me, as told by MSNBC.com, which was about the moment the tornado struck a Lowe’s Home Improvement store with about 100 people inside.

You see, it was almost just a story about people doing the right thing.  A tornado was approaching the store.  Once it was spotted, the employees moved everyone to a secure area, and as a result, when the tornado hit, everyone  survived.  In fact, if that had been the whole story, it might not have been a story at all.

But, you see, folks, at a critical moment in this crisis, when employees began herding customers to safety, a man stepped forward and said, “That’s not a tornado; you don’t know what you’re talking about.”  It is This Jackass that I’d like to talk about.

When This Jackass spoke, some of the people around him began to listen and move back to the front of the store.  If they had continued there, they likely would have been killed.  Fortunately, the employees stood their ground and said, “Let’s not be stupid.”

Now, I’m sure you’ve heard me say the words “Let’s not be stupid” dozens of times, but my guess is that you still think that stupidity is something that is, at most, simply annoying.  If “annoying” is the highest level of danger you can attribute to stupidity, then sorry, folks, but there’s still plenty of stupid that you might want to get out of your system.

“C’mon, Dr. Matt,” you might say, “It’s rare to be in a life-and-death situation like that.”  Sure it is, if you’re talking about a situation exactly like that one, but if you are stuck in stupidity, how are you going to know the moment when it might kill you?

I mean, look at This Jackass in the Lowe’s story.  For his whole life, he’d probably been able to get away with being arrogant, to throw his weight around, and to let his stupidity run amok without ever endangering anyone’s lives.  At least, not to any degree that he was aware.  Suddenly, one day, how he was living mattered, and mattered in a big way.  It was no longer a personal failing but a public danger.

Folks, I hope you’re getting the picture here.  Because most of you are mortal, then any of your indulgences can have dire consequences, and there is no indulgence with greater consequence than stupidity.

Some of you are saying: “But, surely, Dr. Matt, international terrorism is a greater indulgence than stupidity.”  Sure, being stupid on purpose is pretty stupid.  I think we can all agree that there aren’t any terrorists that are exceptionally bright.  But endangering lives by accident, especially your own, out of stupidity, still ranks high on the stupidity scale.  Both are indulgences in stupidity, but the accidental kind is the kind that people feel more comfortable in justifying, which makes it pretty dangerous.

Look again at This Jackass.  There’s a good chance that this experience didn’t alter his behavior in any significant way.  After all, no one died.  If he learns that accidental stupidity has no consequence, then he could eventually decide that intentional stupidity is in the same boat.  When it comes to stupidity, no amount of stupidity is insignificant.  The truth is, small actions can have big consequences.

Whew, this topic is exhausting to talk about.  I think I’ve given you enough to chew on for now.  Hmm, speaking of chewing, a piece of that cake that Midgie brought him sounds pretty tasty right now.  I know my doctor said it isn’t that good for me, but I’ll just have a small piece.  After all, it’s not like eating a little cake ever hurt anyone.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

Source: http://something-wild.deviantart.com/

Folks, occasionally people come into my apartment / office looking for a change.  Sometimes it’s a relationship change, or a job change, or a living situation change, or a sex change.  Inevitably, in every case, what someone is actually looking for is a way to change something about themselves by changing something else.

Let me say that again. All of these things that you want to change are probably not the thing you’re actually wanting to change.

The person who wants to change their relationship isn’t coming to me for help in changing their relationship.  If they were, I could just have an actor call up their partner and pretend to be the mistress or manstress who is confessing a secret affair, and well, things would probably change lickety split.

But, after I did that one or two times, I realized it wasn’t really what people are after.

You see, people aren’t looking for help in changing their relationship.  Oh, sure, they may say that they are.  But that’s not where they’re stuck.  Where they’re stuck is their relationship to the relationship, or their relationship to their job, or their town, or to their genitals.

Now, I’m not saying that none of those external things are worthy of change, and you can go ahead and change all of them, although with that last one I’d highly advise consulting a physician.

What I’m saying is that step one is recognizing that what you’re really talking about changing is you.  Or maybe you instinctively know that you’ve already changed, and you don’t match up nicely with what’s around you or dangling from you.

The point is, folks, that by making your change about one or more of those things around you, you may be over-complicating what it is that you actually need.  In fact, based on the people I meet with regularly, I guarantee you’re making it more complicated than it is.  Because compared to all of those other things, changing yourself is a heck of a lot easier.

Pop used to say, “The difference between people and cows is that cows know that it’s a lot easier to leap forward once you let go of your milk.”  I’m not sure what that has to do with change, but he seemed to always say that cow thing when I wanted things to be different.

Anyway, instead of trying to first change the things around you that have a relationship to you, do the easy and lazy way, which is to change your relationship to those things.  You can change the rest after that, but chances are, they’ll change anyway.

Except your genitals.  They tend to sort of stay the same, unfortunately.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

Jor-El had a lot going for him, and not just his dashing good looks.  “Dr. Matt, I hear you solve just about every problem,” he said.

“That’s right,” I said, listening to this interesting man who obviously worked out regularly.

“I’ve been an artist since I was a boy,” he said, “but ever since I left higher education, it seems like I’ve been doing everything but produce art.  I want that to change, and I think I can build a successful business around what I love, but I don’t want to drastically reduce my income by leaving my full-time job.  But by working long hours full-time, it feels like I haven’t been able to build momentum to change anything.  How do I make this happen?”

I rubbed my mustache for a moment.  “Well, first things first,” I said.  “Let’s see your portfolio and your business plan.”

Jor-El’s confusion shone through his bright blue eyes.  “I don’t have either of those with me,” he said.

“Okay,” I said, “let’s start with the basics.  What’s your company name?” I asked him.

“I haven’t decided yet,” he said.

“Well, my friend,” I said, “You’re in a real pickle.  You want my help to make something happen, but you don’t actually know what it is that you want to make happen.”

“That’s not true,” said Jor-El, putting one leg up on the couch.  “I have lots of ideas.”

“Exactly,” I said.  “You have only ideas.  But think about your full-time job.  When you wake up in the morning, you probably know close to the minute when you are going to go to work.  You probably know what you’re going to be working on.  You probably have a sense of what the eventual outcome of that work is going to be, and you know how you’re going to be compensated for it.  And because you know all of this, then all of it happens.”

Jor-El frowned with his bold, dark eyebrows.  “Well, that doesn’t make sense.  I know how it’s going to happen because it all happened like that the day before.”

“That’s also true,” I said.  “The problem with your brain right now is that it’s of no help to you.  It’s completely worthless, and you should probably start ignoring it.”

“What do you mean?” said Jor-El, cocking his head to the side, which spilled his long hair onto his shoulder.

I responded: “Your brain is great at carving a path for whatever you do more than twice.  It’ll turn anything into a habit so that you don’t have to spend so much time thinking about it.  That means that whenever you start to alter your path, your brain is going to try to kick you back into those ruts.  It assumes that you want it to help you remember to get up at a certain time, get to work on schedule, give all the same information in sales meetings, and hit on the same girl behind the counter at Starbucks.  That is, if you’re into that sort of thing.”

Jor-El ran his hand through his hair, and with the bulge in his bicep I knew this time he worked out for sure.  I figured I should watch his movements carefully to see if his body language conveyed that he understood what I was saying as I continued talking.  “So, first, you gotta tell your brain to step aside and keep it from kicking you into your old path.  But the only way that’s going to work is if you have a solid guide for the new path to take effect.  That means that it has to be as solidly defined as the old path.  Now, it might not be as deeply understood, because those paths take time to carve. But you at least have to survey the land and know exactly where to lay your brick.  And I imagine laying brick is something that you probably want to do.”

“I think I understand…” said Jor-El.  “But, if I’m kicking my brain aside, then what’s taking over?”

“Well, why don’t you just drop your inhibitions and see what rises to the challenge,” I said.  “After all, laying brick would probably require you to be shirtless.  What, with that summer heat and all.”

“I didn’t quite follow that, Dr. Matt,” said Jor-El, running his hand through that long hair again.

I told him to do his best not to think about it, and we could talk about it next week.  I’m pretty confident that he’ll be able to figure it out.  I don’t know what it is about Jor-El Leto, but he’s got something great in him, and I’m going to do my best to pull it out.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

*Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

“Well that’s fine, Dr. Matt,” I’m sure you’re saying, “but what’s that got to do with me and the problems in my life?”

What’s It Got To Do With Me?

Well, first, if you haven’t learned how to stop having problems with my popular bathroom reader, helpfully titled Just Stop Having Problems, Stupid!, then we’re already off to a poor start.  At most, two trips to the bathroom with that gem of a book should have put you on the right track.  So let’s assume that you were able to stop a good portion of your problems.

But, perhaps, more problems cropped up for you.  Maybe you weren’t sure how to deal with the problems of someone directly in front of you, that you were in a relationship with.  Again, as you might have guessed, I wrote another book for you, giving you nearly ten times as much wisdom as the first one.  It’s called, When It Comes To Relationships, You’ve Been An Idiot, and from the title, you might guess that the problems you’ve encountered in your relationships may not be with the other person.

Doing Everything Dr. Matt Says

Well, now that you’ve tossed the barrels overboard from your boat according to the first book, and erected a statue for yourself from recycled bridge components according to the second book, it’s time to see where you fit into a larger picture.  You see, you’ve been so focused on the problems in front of you, that you assumed were even about you, that you haven’t seen how helping to solve the problems of others can help you solve yours.  You don’t want to take the time out of your busy schedule to do something about the world around you, because there are way too many concerns in your life as it stands.

What you don’t realize is that your concerns are neither unique nor do they belong to you.  What’s been happening around the world is that people just like you have stumbled across the fact that others share their same concerns.  The problems are nearly identical, even though the personalities and lifestyles widely differ.  If you’re still clinging to your problems as your own, that’s okay.  You may be a lot slower on the uptake than people in impoverished and troubled regions.  They get it faster because they pay attention to the world around them, which they have to do in order to survive.

Getting Off Your Ass

A friend of mine said to me recently, “I want to protest, but I don’t know about what.”  They were beginning to realize that their problems were similar, but they didn’t know how to turn it into action.  The reason they couldn’t was because they weren’t yet mad as hell.  They were only angry as purgatory, which kept them in a state of limbo.

What keeps us in that state of limbo is whatever’s left between you letting go of owning your problems, in order to see the commonality between everyone’s.  You don’t have to do it out of the goodness of your heart, although that goodness goes a long way.  You can do it out of pure selfishness, because the more you let go of problem ownership, the more you crowdsource the solving of those problems.  Once you begin participating in the world, you can see that Person A can solve your problem faster, and you can solve Person A’s problem faster.  And Person M, who is me, can solve both problems fastest, but has a limited amount of time.

Pay Attention

In any case, pay attention to what’s going on around you.  While you’re sitting there worried about your problems, you may be stopping yourself from actually finding a solution.  Ask yourself often, “What would I do in that other person’s situation, with that problem?”  It’s a way to gain perspective, and to also keep your brain from atrophying when you are old and have old people problems.

And if you’re already old with old people problems, and you think that you’re the only one that hates the cafeteria applesauce, then it’s time to RISE UP (over the course of the next 15 minutes) and say, “I’m mad as hell, and I forgot what else I was going to say!”  (Don’t worry about it, your passion is enough.)

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt *

*Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

“It’s really good advice,” my friend told me.

Now, I took a gander at this article and it took me a few moments to figure out that it was really bad advice posing as really good advice.  Let me give you a tidbit:

So. You’re in love with a thing. Let’s say it’s coffee, books, design, code or solving interesting problems. You decide to open up a café to follow your passion for coffee. Or a used book shop, because you’re passionate about books. Or, because you’re passionate about solving interesting problems through code or visuals, you hang out your shingle as a freelance developer or designer.

Six months to a year later, and guess what?

Turns out that you hate running a café (or book store, or…). Turns out that running a café is as much about the coffee as raising a child is about snuggles. Yes, the coffee happens — and so do snuggles — but what really makes up the typical day is very little sleep and lots and lots of poop.

At first glance, the author, a Ms. Hoy, seems to be pointing you in a good direction: which is to realize that the implementation of your passion must be grounded in reality.  Except that there’s one major flaw; can you see what it is?  Fine, I’ll tell you.  The flaw is that the bounds of your reality is largely defined by you.  Yes, you.

Our passions are designed to bring us growth, growth that expands our reality, and that growth is often created by stepping out of our comfort zone (the comfort zone being the “zone” of our previous reality).  Obviously, stepping out of our comfort zone means the obvious: if you follow your passion, you are about to become uncomfortable. Now, the discomfort may be major, it may be emotional, or it may be a moment of nakedness, either figuratively or literally.

But, look, folks, discomfort does not mean your premise was flawed, that passion is not a legitimate force, or that you need to slap a layer of reasonableness and logic on top of your passion and walk around sipping tea with your pinky in the air and clench your butt to keep a fart from embarrassing you.

Ms. Hoy’s premise seems to be that a great deal of discomfort, or hitting a roadblock in your passion means that something about your vision was flawed and you can just chuck this experience into the failure column, and next time, don’t be so damned motivated without a 20-point checklist.

I’m not saying checklists are bad; I’m just saying that Ms. Hoy’s premise is stupid.  Discomfort and roadblocks do not mean that the original driving force of passion was not a correct one.  Yes, your passion could turn into lots and lots of poop, but once you get past your discomfort, your passion may end up thanking you in their Oscar speech.  Or your passion may turn to a life of drugs and crime, but it still doesn’t mean that your passion was wrong.  How dumb is that?

Because we’re so results-driven, it makes sense that we would measure passion by some kind of point system of the results it produced.  If it produces good results, then it was good to follow that passion.  If it was bad results, then it was bad to follow that passion.  But that kind of approach has in it a lack of self-awareness that is astounding.  The reason to follow your passion has nothing more to do with the external end results than having a child has to do with making sure someone is around when you die and that they say nice things to you.

A passion is an expression of a deep internal desire, and if your first attempt at following your passion slaps you on the face on your first date, well, try the redhead next time.  And then continue to do your passion like nobody’s business.

Sure, take the time to try to make your passion a reality.  But don’t choose your passion based solely on the reality you already know.  And don’t diminish your passion in hopes that you won’t fail big or be emotionally crushed by your experiences.  Sure, opening a coffee shop may destroy your life.  But what is not opening the coffee shop going to do instead, make you immortal?

“Whew, at least I didn’t follow my passion and open that coffee shop,” you’ll say.  “Fortunately, now I know exactly the same about myself and the world that I did 6 months ago, and I’m not uncomfortable at all.  Yippee skippee.”

Don’t be an idiot.  The world is not run amok by people who follow their true passions.  The world is run amok by people who became uncomfortable about their passions, who experienced pain, who have denied who they are and what they want and used excuses like “reasonableness” to find a nice comfortable place of “light miserableness”.

Or I could be wrong.  But this is a subject I’m passionate about, so if I’m wrong, then I couldn’t be doing it any more right.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

In fact, I was talking to a friend of mine recently, and she said that she thought that I sometimes came across as self-centered.  Since I welcome constructive criticism, I invited her to explain what the heck she was talking about, because I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.  I walked away from that conversation with one inescapable conclusion, that it must be that I’m a hard person to get to know, and I haven’t taken enough time to really show people who I am.  In other words, I need to start gettin’ real, and I need to start gettin’ real lickity-split.

To kick-off this new goal, I’ve decided that I’m going to make an arrangement with you, The Internet.  As a people that fill a series of tubes,  you’re probably used to results, and I’m someone known for delivering them.  So, I’m going to give you ten things that I’m going to do for you this year.  We can even put this arrangement in the form of a Contract, a Contract With The Internet, if you will.

So, here it is.  I, Dr. Matt, agree to do the following 10 items this year:

1. Become more famous. Don’t worry, I’m not going to abandon my previous principles, and the more famous I am, the more people I can help.
2. Answer more of your questions. No more dodging of the hard ones, like if a particular piece of clothing makes you look fat.  The answer is undoubtedly “yes”.
3. Meet you in public. In the past, I’ve often avoided book signings because of the inevitably uncomfortable conversation about the Dr. Matt sweater that you knitted.  It’s possible that I have actually encouraged this obsessive behavior, and it’s time I encouraged it even more.
4. Introduce you to more of my friends. I know my friend Jonathon Stembridge-Rickenbacker loves to hear himself mentioned often, but he offers one good perspective amongst many, which I plan on sharing.
5. Talk about my feelings. Like right now, I feel important.  Tomorrow, I may share another.
6. Listen more. Midgie is usually picking on me for this one.  She says not every thing someone says needs an answer.  I told her Alex Trebek would disagree.  She said, “No, everything he says requires a question.”  I had to admit that I didn’t know what she meant since I’d never watched Wheel of Fortune.
7. Admit when something I’ve said is wrong. I’m always willing to look at new evidence, so that my current rightness is as right as it can be.  To be the most right person around at any given moment is the truest measure of humility.
8. Stop dwelling on the past. Like the time when something I said was wrong.  It’s time to get over it.
9. Be an excellent lover. I just wanted to share that this was a goal of mine.
10. Be myself. I know this is kind of a repeat of #9, but I thought it was important to list on its own.  Internet, you and I have gotten this far, and we’ve gotten this far because I shared with you my thoughts, however they spilled out from my brain.  I think it’s a winning formula that’ll keep us together.  Oh, and one more…
11. Be flexible. Be willing to go with the flow, like adding one more item to this list, or throwing out this contract if you decide to be a jerk about it.  Everything you learn changes the way your brain fires its little neurons, and I learn something just about every day, and I do it so that I can share it in a way that makes sense to ya’ll.  I don’t give a hoot who Dr. Matt was a year ago, although I suspect that he was still pretty amazing.

That’s my deal, Internet.  So go ahead, be bold, get real, and put your deal out there for everyone to see.  By doing so, you’ll show all your friends how much you’re not self-centered.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

In the village of Santa Theresa, I met a Mayan snake doctor, or what you might call a witch doctor.  He asked me what I did, and I said that I was also a doctor, but, like him, my doctorate wasn’t granted by any sort of fancy “university”.  My doctorate, of course, is what I call the “doctorate of life”, I told him.  Since we were both doctors, I explained that he should feel free to talk openly about anything that he knew, such as healing deadly snake bites or the ancient tradition of ghostbusting, the latter of course made popular by the Dan Aykyrod film.

The snake doctor, whom I’ll call “Ray Stantz” to protect his identity, said he only shares his knowledge if someone pays him quite a bit of money and spends at least six months working beside him.  It occurred to me, as I’m sure it does to you, that to spread knowledge this way limits franchising opportunities.

“Perhaps you don’t know it, Ray,” I said, “but you’re living in the Information Age, and the best way to reach your audience to teach snake doctoring may be something like an instructional DVD series.”

Ray said that while he had a portable DVD player, he didn’t think this was the best way to pass on his craft.  “Some knowledge you can only get by experience,” he said.  “Since you are a life doctor, you know that the only way people will understand what you are saying is to live what you are saying, or they understand because they have lived what you are saying.”

I hadn’t actually thought about it this way, and Ray had a pretty good point, but I knew he was deflecting a bit from talking about himself.  When I pressed him about it, he readily admitted it and said he had good reason.  “In the old days, some Mayans used to kill for knowledge, or what they thought was knowledge” he said, “or would use the knowledge I have to kill each other.”  In fact, he went on to say that at times they would sacrifice some of their own to try to appeal to the gods for their knowledge.

“I know what you mean,” I said.  “Sometimes I feel like I would kill for some more Google data about my fans.”

He asked me to explain what I meant, and I told him it wasn’t important.  He nodded and said, “What you say about the Information Age is interesting.  Maybe we’re entering a time where we can have all that knowledge that we wanted in the old days, without having to kill for it.”

I rubbed my mustache.  “That would be a different age indeed.  Maybe we would no longer have to sacrifice each other for marketing dominance.”

Ray Stantz smiled at me.  “Maybe we’re entering an age where dominance is not so important,” he said.

I have to tell you, as The Most Famous Fake Doctor Of Our Time, Ray’s words really made me stop and think.  I mean, was there some way to also make him the most famous snake doctor of Belize?  With wisdom like that, he could totally make a killing.  But I guess that’s up to him.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

Anyway, Freddle is a fickle sort, it seems.  Probably the biggest issue he’s struggled with has been one of confidence, mostly because he always manages to blame someone else for his lack of it, first his ex-wife, then his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.

This time, halfway through our session, he started in on me.  “Dr. Matt, why haven’t you been available?  I really thought I was starting to make progress, and then you took off.  I really needed you.”

“Freddle,” I said, “in my professional opinion, your progress leaves much to be desired.”

“What do you mean?” he said.  “I’ve done what you told me.  I’ve done my best to remove barriers to confidence.  I’ve gone out there and gone on lots of dates.  I approach people more, I speak my mind.  I’m not so afraid to tell people what I want, and I’m not willing to take abuse from people anymore.”

“Frankly,” said Freddle, “I think I’ve done quite well, and I just think you’re defensive because I called you out on not being around.”

I rubbed my mustache for a moment.  “You’re right, I’ve made a mistake,” I said.

“Thank you,” said Freddle.

“Don’t thank me yet,” I said.  “You see, my mistake is that I thought you understood that confidence has to do with your feeling of self-worth, of which you apparently still have very little.”

Freddle frowned.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Confidence is not the act of going around and demonstrating how confident you are.  You’ve taken your lack of self-worth and instead of it keeping you timid around other people, you’ve swung the pendulum the other way to the place where you’re trying to demonstrate your worth at every turn.”

Freddle didn’t like this at all.  “Dr. Matt, I feel like nothing I do is going to get your approval.”

“Well, now we’re getting somewhere,” I said.  “You’re right, nothing you do is going to get my approval, because it doesn’t matter to me whether or not you shape up.”

This surprised Mr. Dolly-Parton McMannohaggonbaum.  “What?” he said.  “What do you mean?  If you don’t help people, then it means you’re not very good.”

“Sorry to burst your bubble,” I said, “but since you’re the one who’s responsible for your own life, then if you don’t stop your stupid behavior, it’s you who’s not doing very good, not me.”  Freddle didn’t know what to say to that, so I figured I might as well keep talking to pass the time.  “Listen, the only person I’m responsible to in this room is me.  If I did only what I thought you wanted, then I would just tell you what you wanted to hear.  But what if what you want to hear isn’t what you need?  In that case, all my jaw-flapping is only going to reinforce the problem, or in your case, problems.”

I continued: “I’m not in your head so I can’t tell you what you need.  I can only tell you what I know.  You have to decide what to hear.”

“I don’t get it,” Freddle finally said.  “Don’t you say in your book Just Stop Having Problems, Stupid!, that if I want to be more confident, then I should just act more confident?”

“Well, first, thank you for reading my book,” I said, “and I should mention that it’s only two dollars and 99 cents on the Amazon.com, but anyway, what we call one thing is sometimes something else all dressed up in fancy clothes.  If it were just shyness, then that approach would work.  But for you, as I said, the problem is self-worth, so if you used that approach, then you need to start treating yourself with self-worth.  And that means that you seek to get your sense of worth from yourself, not from others.  In fact, avoid getting it from others.  Trust me, they’re just going to suck at it.  The reason is that most people don’t know their own worth, so how can they legitimately recognize yours?”

“Here’s the other thing,” I said.  “You’re so worried about proving your worth.  That’s a bunch of bull-honky.  Babies have worth, don’t they?”

“I guess,” he said, confused.

“Sure they do,” I said.  “Trust me, if you try to adopt one, they’re expensive!  So, they don’t have to add their worth.  But as they grow up, their worth might be challenged by others, others who couldn’t recognize worth if it slapped them in the face like something at a male strip club.  So, you don’t have to prove anything.  Someone should have to prove that you don’t have worth, which they never will, so their arguments will be as sound as an Alaska governor’s.”

I felt I was dangerously close to referencing a metaphor, so I wrapped things up.  As Freddle was getting up, I said, “So you liked my book?”

Freddle shrugged.  “It was pretty good, but kinda short.”

“Well,” I said, “I could have made it longer.  In fact, my editor said that a longer book would be much more valuable.  I think what she really meant was that it would be a lot more sellable.  But why try to please everyone else, when one only has to look within the pages to know that it’s absolutely perfect just the way it is?”

Freddle cocked his head.  “Are you trying to tell me something, Dr. Matt?”

I grabbed my notebook, and voiced what I was thinking: “Absolutely.  It just reminded me that my next book needs to be a lot longer.”

“Oh,” he said.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ll be sure to place you on the pre-order list.”

“But I–” he started.

“No need to thank me,” I said, “Just pay my secretary on the way out.”

He left, and I knew I’d once again helped Freddle.  Not by telling him what he needed to hear, but by placing him on my book pre-order list.  And if that’s not a statement of his worth, I don’t know what is.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

*Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

Hello Dr. Matt,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, though what we have is a long-distance relationship. Before we finally hooked up, he was broken-hearted because his ex left him. Then, after a while being together, he told me that he loves me and that he no longer loves his ex. When I hacked his email—I know, I’m bad—I saw email trails and chat messages of their love, all recent.

I cant tell him what I saw.  What am I gonna do?

Thank You,
Confused in Georgia

Dear Confused,

This is an unfortunately common relationship scenario.  You think some dude is betraying your trust, and in order to determine if he is, you betray his trust.  Then, you find out that he is indeed betraying your trust, but you don’t know how to confront him because you’ve already lost the ethical high ground.

Now, Hollywood movies would have you believe that all actions of the scorned woman are justified, but that’s usually in romantic comedies which are scientifically proven to be unrealistic, based on the fact that I am a scientist.  Let’s set the record straight.  From what you describe, neither of you has honored the other person in this situation.  You’ve both betrayed each other.  The fact that his betrayal was seemingly first is irrelevant, since you weren’t sure of that before you began to invade his privacy.

On the one hand, a relationship that is not built on trust can be extremely difficult, but if you wanted to salvage anything, at least you know that you are on equal ground.

Let’s clear up two other misconceptions: 1) Love is not subtractive, and 2) Love does not neatly conform to the conditions of relationship.

Let’s explain #1: Love is not subtractive. If I love Mad Men, and then start to watch Glee, and love Glee, it does not subtract my love for Mad Men.  Jealousy often makes the assumption that if love for another is discovered, then love that is directed towards you will automatically decrease.  If you get a kitten after getting a cat, do you hate your cat?  No, unless your cat is a jerk, which means it’s not about the kitten and it’s youthful adorableness.

On to #2: Love does not neatly conform to the conditions of relationship. The uncomfortable truth is that all people love their exes.  Even hating your ex is proof you love them, because hate is not the opposite of love.  If you did not love your ex, you would be indifferent to them; it wouldn’t matter what they did because they would be nothing to you.  Once a person gets over themselves, they often find that love again.  Sure, the quality of the love is different.  At minimim, you may recognize that that person helped you learn and grow, and maybe learn some new tricks in bed you got to use on the next person.  I just want to let the air out of the balloon that discovering love for an ex is somehow shocking.  It’s expected.  If you found indifference to an ex, THAT would be shocking, because it would probably mean your boyfriend was a sociopath.

Having said that, here’s the real problem, because it’s not the love for the ex.  It’s the sneaking around each other’s backs, and professing one thing and doing and feeling another.  The two of you have communication issues out the wazoo, and you’re right that it is a pickle.  You’re both facing the same problem, and what you don’t realize is that you can help each other, but first, for Pete’s sake, you have to open your mouth and start communicating.  Note that communicating does not involve yelling something mean, throwing an iPhone onto the sidewalk, and then running away.  I’m talking about volunteering information, asking direct questions, and being prepared for truthful responses.

If you want to make it somewhere, you can’t wait for other people to be adults around you.  Responding to sneakiness with sneakiness is not a forward progression, nor mature, nor loving.  When you’ve embraced maturity, and put that out there, then your boyfriend will either meet that maturity or not, and his response will tell you a lot.  First, be the better person for yourself, and from there, you can decide whether or not you want that turd bucket in your life.

Thanks for your question!

-Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

Of course, bias against the fat does not end in your childhood.  Apparently, fat men can earn 2.6% less than their thin counterparts, and for fat white women, it can be up to 6.2% less, making them probably one of the most disadvantaged people in the workplace.  They’ve got a glass ceiling that you can only reach by climbing a glass staircase.

The long and short, or the short and squat rather, is that your fatness is keeping you from stuff.  Folks, don’t take that info and, if you’re Fatty McFatterson, use it to beat yourself up.  You see, with the epidemic of obesity, thin people are becoming more and more of a commodity.  That means you can easily manipulate this system of bias to your own advantage by dropping some pounds.

Yes, I know it isn’t easy, especially if you’re the fat sibling and you feel like your own body has, in the past, worked against you.  But it’s time to tell your body to get in line because you’re about to take back the country of You from the Thin Man, who has been oppressing you and keeping you from your stuff, like college money and a free car.

The best part is that this coup d’état will be easily achieved.  You see, thin people don’t know how much stuff they’re already getting.  They take it for granted that they’ll make more in salaries, or get more sex or love or praise.  But when you become thin after a lifetime at the fat table, then it’ll feel to you like being showered with gifts.  6.2% more income, here you come!

Should this be the case?  No.  Am I supporting such a system of bias?  No, I’m simply acknowledging that it exists, and much like what I said to a fan about being a snappy dresser, you can use this knowledge to your advantage.  It probably exists for evolutionary reasons, but who cares?  The important part is that fat is keeping you from your stuff, and it’s time to move that barrier out of the way.

I wish you the best of luck, and that I could join you, but unfortunately I’m only slightly chubby and not really fat at all like you people.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

Dear Dr. Matt,

Can you offer any words of wisdom for two special people on their wedding day?

-Matthew

Thanks for your question, Matthew. By the way, just so you know, I’m not capable of speaking words that don’t contain wisdom. It’s one of those side-effects of being wise. But let’s see what I can say to the two special people you refer to.

A wedding is quite a fun time. I’ve been to a bunch this year, and each one was special in its own way, and not just ’cause I was there. You get to witness a relationship in a way that you might never have seen, no matter how long you’ve known either of those people, and no matter how close you are to them. Oh, I’m not saying a lot more details are provided, or the two love-dazed individuals act in a way that hasn’t been visible before, but a wedding is, for some guests, the first time that they’re actually looking. Everyone’s asking themselves, “Just what the heck is going on here? How did we get here? What are these strange sensations I’m experiencing? And who here did it the night before?”

For the two special people on their wedding day, their bodies are likely so pumped full of natural endorphins from the intensity of the experience that their thoughts consist of something like cartoon images of cats and dogs playing together. But I’ll give them a few words anyway, and let them sort it out later.

1. Don’t be idiots. Treat each other with respect. In fact, treat your lover like a visiting diplomat. I don’t mean blow some trumpets every time they enter the house, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt. Just remember, if your lover is a diplomat, that makes you president. The more you respect your presidency, the more you can expect diplomatic visits.
2. Speak the heck up. Don’t beat around the bush when you’re upset, and don’t hide something because you’re afraid of upsetting someone. Volunteer information like your partner is the Salvation Army, and the information is your former fat clothes.
3. No matter what, just love the crap out of each other. Seriously. Love that pinnacle of imperfection next to you, because someone went to the trouble of packing a whole bunch of human failings into that other person, and each one is more precious than the last.

That’s my words of wisdom for now. I probably could think of more, but I don’t want to delay the special couple’s eventual consummation.

Sincerely,
Dr. Matt

P.S.  If anything goes horribly wrong, just remember: it can just as quickly go horribly right.

If you have a question for Dr. Matt, then ask him already!

Now, folks, I don’t know if you’ve ever planned a wedding, but the first thing you realize is that everyone has their own individual idea about what it is, and those ideas don’t all match.  Midgie has told me a bunch of stories about how someone has told her friend that they must do this or that, and they attach so much weight to it that it sounds like the whole event will end in utter disaster if the flowers in the bouquet don’t match the ones next to the roast lamb.  Everyone has weighed in: friends, family, ministers, co-workers, next-door neighbors, accountants, you name it.  It seems like everyone in their joy to support such a special event is also afraid of what might not make that event special, and the horrors said bride and groom might experience.

To make things more interesting, Midgie herself has sworn off marriage, and has found herself helping to plan an event which she has her own pile of feelings about.

Now everyone, just take a chill pill and listen up.  Weddings are special events, but the single-day party does not encompass or represent the relationship.  Nor is it the beginning of their relationship or their commitment.  They’ve already made that commitment to each other or they wouldn’t be there.  It’s being celebrated for the first time in front of you.  It’s your level of participation that is new, as a witness to the relationship.  Since you, the witness, are entering into a new relationship with these people, then a lot of your feelings can bubble up and become crazy talk.

Of course, as we know, the craziness can extend to the bride and groom, creating bride- and groom-zillas.  One day recently, after I calmed down an exasperated Midgie, who had just calmed down an exasperated bride-to-be, I said, “The reason people turn crazy at new beginnings is the fear of choice.”

“What do you mean?” said a naked and satisfied Midgie.

“It’s like this,” I said.  “When we make choices that create big life changes, we end up in unexplored territory.  Our fear is that we’ll lose our footing and our ability to change direction of our hot air balloon, if needed, will be limited.  We worry about setting our ship on a trajectory that will leave us adrift and without sail.  But the amount of choice and free will never changes; it’s only a difference in the terrain under our donkey.”

Midgie thought about this for a while, and seemed to relax even more as the cool evening air evaporated the sweat from her skin.  After a moment, she said, “Do you want to get married?”

Unfortunately, just then I remembered an important email I needed to write, so the conversation had to end there.  In the end, I know Midgie and her friends will plan a wonderful event, and come rain or shine, the day will be lovely.  It’s a party after all, and the important part of this wedding that I’m about to go to is that I’m there for me, first, out of my own free will, and to eat some delicious cake.  And, if they don’t serve cake or do some sort of healthy hippie thing, I can make a different choice and adjust my path.  A path away from cake, you see, may still be the path to ultimate satisfaction.

…Or some weird hippie thing, we’ll see.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

QUESTION #1: Why did LeBron abandon his hometown to earn less money?

DR. MATT: Sometimes we need to leave the nest in order to learn how to fly.  And other times, we are named LeBron James.

QUESTION #2: What don’t I know I don’t know?

DR. MATT: Mostly the mating calls and dances of prehistoric animals.  I know what you’re thinking: you think you knew that you didn’t know that, but you didn’t.

QUESTION #3: In what year do you think the containers will be worth more than the products inside?

DR. MATT: This is a trick question. The containers are empty.

QUESTION #4:  I recently took a “douche detector quiz.” It turns out that I am a “half-n-half douchebag” according to the douchebag professionals. How do I go about correcting this “douchebagedness?” Help!!

DR. MATT: I’ve never heard of douchebag professionals, but if they’re truly professionals, then their ability to evaluate douchebaggery probably holds some weight.  The upside is that your douchebaggedness is, as of now, only half-n-half, meaning that you still have some very good qualities.  I’m slightly suspicious that this question is not genuine and perhaps these professionals do not exist.

QUESTION #5: Why is the yellow green?

DR. MATT: Probably either improperly prepared chicken, or properly prepared Mexican food.

QUESTION #6:  Dr. Matt, do you feel lucky?

DR. MATT: If you were me, you would know that a feeling of being lucky is inescapable, because you had somehow become the Most Famous Fake Doctor Of Our Time, thus displacing me into probably an alternate dimension where everyone has goatees instead of fine mustaches.

QUESTION #7: How do you do it Dr. Matt? Help so many people and yet stay so humble and centered? I want to be just like you. Can you help me to acheive this kind of greatness such as yourself.

DR. MATT: Being truly humble is not easy, but one can accomplish this with flying colors and within short order, be recognized for their humility (and other accomplishments) by throngs of adoring fans, such as I have.  What you have to do is be persistent.  Don’t back down when your humility is questioned, and demonstrate it at every turn to put the doubters in their place.

Many of these great attributes feature greatly into greatness.  Can I help you acheive this kind of greatness?  Perhaps, but only by demonstrating it in myself, and proudly displaying great aspects like humility.  By seeing someone willing to stand up and declare themselves to be great, it empowers those who witness it to stand up and do the same.

The catch is that embracing greatness means you demonstrate it in yourself.  So, you can’t be great like me, but like me, you can be great.

Thanks for your questions!  The more questions you ask, the more I can tell you what to do.

-Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

So, what’s the problem with treating Dr. Matt like your good ol’ pal from junior high, or your ex-lover who you are again on good terms with, on the off chance that your current relationship will fail and you’ll need a backup?  The problem is that I’m not those people.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not offended by this behavior.  I’m just letting you know that this behavior is off-putting and stupid.

And, perhaps you’re not aware of it, but if you’re responding to me this way, then you’re probably jarring quite a few people around you when you treat them with familiarity (not that you have any other celebrities in your life).

Sure, the impulse is understandable.  If you lack intimacy in your life, then you desire to get close to people.  It seems like one way is to pretend that you already are close, to treat them with familiarity in hopes that they will accept the reality you project.

When I interact with fans on the Internets, I always address them with an English honorific: Mr. or Ms.  I do this to set up a relationship of honor and respect, which I feel is absolutely essential before I tell someone what to do.  Now, while you may feel silly addressing your friends or colleagues in this way, I little formality goes a long way.

A tone of formality tells people that you respect their boundaries, and that you honor them as a person.  Once a month, Midgie and I formally ask each other how we feel the relationship is going and if there are any changes that we would like to make.  Sure, we could ask this question offhand when it comes to mind while we’re eating popcorn on the couch watching Midgie’s favorite adult movies, but we feel it wouldn’t treat the question with the respect it deserves.  The tone of formality sets the context for the importance of the content.

So, next time you see Dr. Matt at a book signing, don’t be the obsessed familiar fan who thinks we’re old friends because you’re read everything I’ve written, and listened to everything I’ve said.  Instead, be the obsessed formal fan, who’s done all the same reading and writing, but doesn’t creep me out about it.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

Midgie said once that she was jealous of the fact that I didn’t seem to be affected by stress.  I told her what I tell a lot of people who ask me about stress.  First, I am affected by it.  Stress is like an undisciplined dog.  When it eats your shoes, you can’t avoid being affected by it.  The average person says “Oh no” and wrings their hands over the shoes, then gets over it, buys a new pair of shoes, and places them in front of the dog.  What do I do?  I use my noggin and put the dog outside.

You see, stress is a kind of cascading, self-amplifying response.  We all have stressors, so it isn’t the stress that’s the problem, nor even the situation that generated it.  It’s you standing there, wringing your hands while the stupid dog eats your shoes.  It’s your reaction to that situation, and then your reaction to your reaction.  Why do you do this?  Well, for most it’s the feeling of fear.  It can be the fear of helplessness, or the fear of abandonment, or the fear of survival.  When something generates that feeling, then the Stress Regeneration Machine powers up and gets to work.

It’s not that I don’t get stressed, it’s that I power down the Stress Regeneration Machine almost as soon as I hear it turn on.  If the dog acts up, I put the dog outside, plain and simple.  The reason I can do this, and the reason you can do it too is that none of those situations that come up are outside of my ability to handle them.

Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself.  “Sure, Dr. Matt says I can just drop my stress just like he said I could drop my problems.”  I know, I make it sound simple.  And I only make it sound simple because, well, it is.  When stress has you wrapped up like a hazing at a fraternity, everything seems dramatic and complicated.  It seems that way because that’s exactly what stress does.  It’s its job to make everything seem complicated.  So, rest assured, if you’re stressed and it seems like the world is going to end, then that’s a good indicator that everything is perfectly fine, and it’s going to turn out alright.

Look, Midgie is going to get her PhD.  Why on earth would anyone keep one from that sexy lady, especially when it’s a PhD in Human Sexuality?  Therefore, the stress is not an indicator of the truth, only the echo of a lie.  And I don’t have much time for things that lie, but maybe you have more time on your hands than I do.

So, those of you who get stressed, I’ll say to you what I said to Midgie: “Breathe deep, relax, and know that very soon, you’re going to teach a whole bunch of people about weird sex.”

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

* Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.