It was only a year ago when “Twilight” entered my life. I had no history with the book, held immense reservations with the cast and crew, and found the hysteria surrounding the release obnoxiously manufactured by a desperate studio. And then I watched the film, finding every last one of my fears confirmed. “Twilight” was a dreadful picture on multiple levels, but most pointedly it was a shoddily produced affair entirely dependent on forgiving teen enthusiasm to provide colossal box office returns. Here we are again one year later with “The Twilight Saga: New Moon,” and there have been a few changes to the franchise. Changes for the better.

Engorged with love for her vampire honey Edward (Robert Pattinson), Bella (Kristen Stewart) is facing the end of high school, eager to start her life with her bothered boyfriend. When a birthday party paper cut triggers the reality of life amongst the vampires, Edward and the rest of the Cullen family skip town, leaving Bella in an unrelenting fog of depression. Comforting her is Jacob (Taylor Lautner), newly buffed and ready to make his move on Bella. As the two grow closer, Jacob also turns away from Bella right at the moment of romantic satisfaction. Forced to meet his destiny as a monster werewolf, Jacob is put to the test when his animal instincts collide with his human desire, once again forcing Bella into a life of peril. With Jacob feeling out his protective impulses and Edward facing trial with vampire elders The Volturi (led by Michael Sheen), Bella is torn between two lovers, caught in a war she’s only just beginning to understand.

Gone is director Catherine Hardwicke. That sound you hear is me doing a happy dance. A clumsy, graceless filmmaker, Hardwicke’s fingerprints have been thoroughly rubbed off the “Twilight” franchise, replaced by Chris Weitz, last seen managing the stillborn blockbuster, “The Golden Compass.” The leap from Hardwicke to Weitz isn’t exactly leaping from Wood to Spielberg, but “New Moon” benefits from the fresh creative blood behind the camera. A man who has some sense of widescreen elegance and timing, the “Twilight” under Weitz’s watch is a considerably more persuasive distraction.

Whereas “Twilight” held next to no redeeming qualities, “New Moon” shows some effort carefully shaping author Stephenie Meyer’s world to the big screen. Weitz is a stronger conductor, finding pockets of mystery and mood to exploit while Bella figures out which monster she wants to tame. There’s one genuinely terrific scene in “New Moon” — a hunting sequence where Jacob and the werewolves defend their turf from ginger vamp Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre, thankfully refused the gift of dialogue). It’s a superb blend of moony monsterdom, shameless soundtrack shilling, and inventive wire-fu. Hey, when all else fails the feature, at least Weitz nails one first-class scene. Hardwicke never got her film off the ground.

While promising in spurts, “New Moon” is still a stilted drag when concentrating on the triangle of lovers. Weitz is careful not to interfere with the formula that made “Twilight” such a smash, which means even more time with two lead actors incapable of providing a legitimate emotion. It’s tough to blame Weitz, since Orson Welles himself couldn’t pull anything resembling acting from Stewart, who once again tics and stutters he way through an excruciating performance. Bella’s 18 years of age now, but she still acts like an infant, and her scenes of loss when Edward shimmies out of her life are hysterically overcooked — Bella convulses and screams like she misplaced a prized lottery ticket, not a creepy boyfriend, who incidentally enjoys rummaging through her personal effects when she’s not around. What a dreamboat.

Pattinson sort of mumbles his way through the film, though Edward is not the star of the show in “New Moon.” The tousled one leaves the movie for long stretches, mostly appearing in a ghostly Obi-Wan role, urging Bella to avoid becoming an adrenaline junkie to purge vampire love out of her system. Pattinson and Stewart’s scenes are a slow death, making it impossible to understand what type of connection they so vehemently share. The script requires burning and swooning, but these cold fish just indicate their way to total disaster. This leaves Lautner an open shot to steal the film, and the actor gets halfway there. Revealing a personality (Stewart and Pattinson’s kryptonite it seems) and a spunky attitude, Lautner overcomes his limited range and atrocious dialogue to add some spark (and obscene muscles) to an overwhelmingly dreary picture.

Also of interest is Michael Sheen as the David Coverdale figure of the Voltari gang, who camps his way through his brief shot of screentime, though in the best way imaginable. Also rocking fangs and a ‘tude is Dakota Fanning, accomplishing nothing as a Voltari enforcer, which isn’t surprising. Why she’s here is the film’s biggest mystery.

“New Moon” is incredibly somber and artificially elongated, robbing the cynical viewer out of prime giggle fits that should rightfully accompany these declarations of love, hasty exits, and sabotaged make-out sessions. And I would love to know what the werewolves spend monthly on jean shorts. They seem to burn through them pretty quick.

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” is just as crushingly goofy as “Twilight,” but Weitz’s effort to solidify the material is noticeable and appreciated. With “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” due in theaters in a mere eight months (“New Moon” ends with a cliffhanger), there’s some hope that the series will improve over time, effectively righting every last Hardwicke wrong. This is not a quality film by any means, but it’s a step up, and that’s a relief.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Tampa, FL – What the hell is it with all the fire here on the Dreamin’ Demon lately? It seems like Morbid just posted a story about a cowardly asshole setting fire to his significant other and here we are with yet another one. Demonites, meet Christopher Hanney. Authorities report that on November 17, after the two argued, Hanney allegedly attacked his estranged wife, Audrey Mabrey – first clubbing her in the head with a hammer before dousing her with lighter fluid and lighting a match. Witnesses report seeing Audrey run from her home, engulfed in flames, to the safety of a neighbor’s house. Audrey, a 26-year-old mother of two very young children, is now hospitalized in critical condition with burns to over 80% of her body. When police arrived on scene, Hanney, 44, was found in the backyard, suffering from burn wounds as well. He was released from the hospital the following day and taken into custody. Hanney, a former New York police officer, is being held without bail on charges of attempted murder in the first-degree. 

Audrey Mabrey

This isn’t the first instance of domestic violence in the couple’s marriage – a domestic violence report was filed on the 20th of October and a warrant was issued. In that incident, Audrey reported that Hanney had gotten violent with her and had tried to rape her. The case was never prosecuted because Audrey gave conflicting reports about the incident. She told friends and family that she was scared of Hanney, but stated that she couldn’t afford to leave him. The two continued to live in the same home, but shared separate bedrooms.

Audrey’s parents are doing what they can to raise enough money to travel from Texas to Florida to be with their daughter and care for their grandchildren. A trust fund has been set up for the Audrey and her kids – those interested can go to any Bank of America and tell them you want to donate to the Audrey Mabrey and Children fund.

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Tampa, Florida – Hillsborough sheriff’s deputies have arrested Stacey Joanna Horace, 31, for physically abusing children, between the ages of 11 months to 10 years, for the last five years. They are reporting she used belts, extension cords, metal spoons, hammers, and stun guns. Other reports stated that Horace also held one of her children underwater while she spat on his face and threw urine upon him. The abuse came to light after a report was made to the Child Protection Investigation unit earlier this month. Deputies say the children sustained marks and bruises because of the abuse. Horace was arrested and has been released on $2,000 bail. The children, whose relationship to Horace has not been revealed, were placed with family members.

Arlington, Washington - On Monday Keira Earhart,38, pulled into his driveway to witness someone running from his house. He went inside to find his wife’s jewelry missing and called 911. Police arrived but after a search, were unable to find the burglar. A second 911 call was made a few hours later, Earhart telling police that the burglar was back in the area and that he had ran into a field near his house. Police arrived a second time, finding Earhart in the field, but once again they were not able to find the burglar. On Wednesday morning a neighbor called police saying he had found the body of a man in a creek near Monday’s burglary. The body was of a 25-year-old who had been shot to death. After a little investigating, police learn neighbors heard shots on Monday, before the second 911 call was placed. One reported Earhart told them he had taken “warning shots” at the burglar. Earhart was booked into jail facing second-degree murder charges. The dead man did have the stolen property in his possession.  Not sure if the Castle Doctrine applies in Washington, but even if it did I am pretty sure it doesn’t cover shooting a fleeing burglar in a field near your house three hours after the crime was committed.

Ok, just watched the video . If I were a lawyer, I’d have this guy doing probation on reckless homicide charges or some shit. How in the hell is a jury going to convict a guy known in the community for volunteer work and working with foster children for an act he may not have done on purpose? Sure, it was a dumbass thing to do as “warning shots” do not usually find themselves in the back of a running man. But still.

SORRENTO, Florida - After having lawn-mowing equipment stolen before, Shane Biel installed an alarm on the locked trailer he uses to house machinery for his lawncare business. But around 3:30 a.m. Thursday morning, the alarm went off from someone breaking in for another go. The homeowner went outside, armed with a firearm and confronted 23-year-old Brett Lee Canada who had used a pair of bolt-cutters on the lock Biel had installed. Biel says Canada lunged at him so fearing for his life, he opened fire, killing him. Police say Canada has a history of this type of crime. No charges are expected to be filed against the homeowner. Detectives believe the man’s story and under the Castle Doctrine, a Florida resident can defend themselves and their family in their home with deadly force. You ever been in an argument and have someone come in to help, but turns out they are an idiot? Yeah, read the comments made by Biel’s neighbors. It includes this gem: “Hey, the guy entered. That’s what we move to America for. We protect our stuff“

Columbia, South Carolina - When Daniel Webb, 33, was released from the hospital in March after being treated for a knee injury, he weighed over 500-pounds. When he returned home, he sat in a recliner in the mobile home he shared with his girlfriend. He sat there for 8-months until he died of a heart attack – weighing 800-pounds. He simply could not get out of the chair. Ever. He slept in the chair, he shit in the chair, he would preach the word of God online from the chair. When his mother made the call to 911 that her son was in a lot of pain, firefighters had to cut him out of the chair. They also had to cut a hole in the wall of the mobile home to get him out of it. He died a few hours later, his body covered with sores and a “very bad odor.” His girlfriend blames all of this on the fact that they did not have health insurance and no one would come out to see Webb.

You know, the thing I find most surprising in this story is that Daniel Webb was able to find a woman out there. Why can’t I find a woman willing to clean the shit off of my chair? Huh? I mean goddamn, it isn’t going to clean itself, ya’ know?

New Haven, Connecticut – More information on the story about Howard Stewart setting is girlfriend, Christina Lee, on fire. Police released the 911 call for one, in which you can hear Lee screaming that Stewart was setting her daughter on fire. No regard for her injuries, just wanting help for her daughter. There is also info on what led to the attack. The couple were arguing about bills and the fact that the 12-year-old who escaped with no injuries, told her mother the night before that Stewart had been touching her private parts. The little girl got lucky as she woke up as Stewart was pouring a flammable liquid on her and saw Stewart tossing a match on her. She was able to run out with her 3-month-old sister. Lee suffered burns on 40 percent of her body and remains in critical condition.

Anchorage, AK – Ugh. I don’t even know where to start with this one. We have a couple of fucktards – Jonathan Miller and Stephen Dilley II, a 5-year-old boy left in their care, and a “redneck flamethrower.” Taking that into consideration, you just know this won’t end well. Last Friday, the boy’s mother left him in the care of Miller and Dilley for the weekend. Miller is the woman’s current boyfriend – Dilley is the woman’s ex-boyfriend and father to one of her five children – and though the woman has a restraining order against him, Dilley lives in a trailer on the property and helps her with her brood. According to the arrest affidavit, Miller told officers that he’s been trying to “toughen the boy up” and the best way to do that is to “scare the shit out of them when they don’t see it coming.” Last Friday evening, Dilley grabbed a can of starter fluid and an lighter and asked Miller, “You know what would be funny?” Miller must have been thinking along the same lines because he responded, “You know how much trouble I could get in for this?” Then he called for the child. When the little boy opened the door, Miller let him have it. 

Miller told investigators the fireball aimed at the child’s head only lasted about half a second – long enough for the shit-for-brain buffoons to realize the child’s head was on fire. The asshats put the flames out with their hands and tended to the child’s burns. Dilley told investigators he didn’t think the flame would reach that far. See, that’s your problem, Dilley, you didn’t think – that would require at least a couple of brain cells. Did they seek medical help? Of course not – they’re fucking retards. Well, mom returned home late Sunday night. After noticing that her child had been lit up and was in pain, certainly she would seek medical attention, right? Wrong. She did, however, seek medical attention for herself after overdosing on bi-polar meds that same night. The boy’s injuries were left untreated until he showed up for school Monday morning. The child, who suffered second-degree burns to the left side of his face, nose, eyelid, and ear, told investigators he had not been in trouble and described the incident as a “practical joke gone wrong.” Yeah, all 5-year-olds can grasp the whole concept of a joke gone wrong. The child was treated at the emergency room and released to relatives.

Miller, 29, and Dilley, 32, both denied having been drunk at the time of the incident, in fact, it was, according to them, a “very sober day.” The jackasses are each charged with two counts of third-degree assault and a count of reckless endangerment. Assholes…

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Muncie, IN - Amber Foster, her ex-boyfriend, and a few friends were enjoying a rousing game of Strip Yahtzee (Yahtzee? For real?) last week when Amber found herself in a spot of trouble. I guess the dice just weren’t rolling her way, because Amber ended up butt nekkid. Witnesses recall seeing Amber rise from the table and walk into a bedroom with her ex-boyfriend after she lost her clothing. Eventually, Amber’s current boyfriend found out that she had been untrue and confronted her. She cried rape. She told her boyfriend and the authorities that her ex-boyfriend had sexually assaulted her that evening. For five days authorities worked on the case – and I’m sure that during that time span, the ex-boyfriend was sweating and worrying about his future cell mate and the continued integrity of his bung hole. Authorities finally determined that Amber was a big fat liar – the ex-boyfriend was let off the hook and Amber was arrested. The 21-year-old woman now faces a charge of false informing, a misdemeanor that carries a max of 1 year behind bars. Personally, I think she should face the same damn time behind bars her ex-boyfriend would have faced had he been convicted of the crime. That’d teach a bitch not to cheat on her old man and scream rape. And how is it this woman has two living breathing human beings that want to tap that anyway? *shudder* Anyway, what say you, Demonites? Slap her little wrist and write it off as low self-esteem or should she face a harsher penalty?

Amber Foster

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You guys want to see some really macabre artwork? Then you really need to check out the sculptures by Kris Kuksi. This guy makes some of the most fascinating, detailed sculptures using discarded toys, mechanical parts and other materials. On the Bio on his website it states that the “grotesque to him, as it seemed, was beautiful. Reaching adulthood his art blossomed and created a breakthrough of personal freedom from the negative environment experienced during his youth. He soon discovered his distaste for the typical American life and pop culture, feeling that he has always belonged to the ‘Old World’. Yet, Kris’ work is about a new wilderness, refined and elevated, visualized as a cultivation emerging from the corrupt and demoralized fall of modern-day society. A place were new beginnings, new wars, new philosophies, and new endings exist.” Yeah, yeah – whatever. I just call it Cool Shit. I figure if any of you out there are anything like me, you would enjoy his work. Check out some examples after the break.

If you go to his site, you can browse pages of his stuff. The attention to detail is crazy. Oh, and just to give you a bit of scale, here is a pic of him working on a sculpture:

You can also check out some of his paintings at his site as well. Some are just portraits, but others get into some strange areas…for example:

So go on over to his official page and browse through his stuff and let me know what you think.

The New York Post is reporting that Diana Falzone filed a police complaint last Tuesday, after Anthony Michael Hall, 41, allegedly attempted to kick down her door and then bashed her head against the wall when she finally let him in. She was granted a temporary restraining order in Manhattan Family Court on Thursday. Falzone claims the Hall’s harassment was going on before the head-bashing incident and the order states  Hall must “refrain from assault, stalking, harassment . . . menacing, reckless endangerment . . . intimidation.” Hall, who suffers from bi-polar disorder, will appear at a hearing next week. His lawyer says all the allegations are bullshit. Falzone is a Sirius radio personality and relationship expert for The Huffington Post. Her last column was titled “How Not to Date a Loser“.  I had no clue who Falzone was until now, but after checking out some pics I am here to say that Holy Shucking Fit she is pretty hot. Not that that’s an excuse for Hall to be stalking her – if he is – but it sure explains things.

Hell Yeah. Diana Falzone

Hertfordshire, England – More glassing from England! On March 21st, Jennifer Wilson, 20, was dancing on a raised floor in a Watford, Herts nightclub when Ashleigh Holliman, 22, slammed a pint glass into her face. Holliman was able to leave the scene and no one was able, or willing, to identify her. But Wilson recognized one of her friends from Facebook. She then went through all 200 of that man’s friends until she found a picture of Holliman. She then obtained her address and turned the info over to police who were not able to locate her at the address. So Wilson went back to Facebook and found Holliman’s employment. Using this new info, police arrested Holliman at her job. She admitted to the attack and on November 10, she was ordered to pay £2,400 compensation and sentenced to 120 hours of community service.   “I’m just a receptionist in a tanning salon but I ended up doing the detective work for them,’  said Wilson who was left with an inch long scar under her eye. “Maybe I’m in the wrong job.”

Jennifer Wilson and injury, Ashleigh Holliman

WINTER GARDEN, Florida – One lucky family, I think. 48-year-old Rubens Morais and 27-year-old Marcela Borges were home with their 5-year-old son on Sunday when four masked intruders took them hostage. They were all tied up and blindfolded and taken to Apopka. The next day, Borges was forced to withdraw $23,600 from the bank. They were then taken back to their home. Sometime Tuesday, Borges removed her bindings as well as the mask of one of her young, female captors. Not liking that, she reportedly stated “She saw my face and knows who I am. You have to kill her!” Borges, not liking that, jumped from a second-story window. As she ran to a neighbor’s house, one of the captors opened fire on her, hitting her in the side. All four captors then fled the scene. Victor Manuel Sanchez, 20, and Miguel Diaz-Santiz, 25, and Oscar Diaz-Hernandez, 19 have been arrested. The female suspect is still at large.

Victor Manuel Sanchez, Miguel Diaz Santos and Oscar Diaz Hernandez

FERRUM, Virginia – 23-year-old Jessica Goode was out in the woods collecting frogs for a science project with two other Ferrum College students when 100 yards away 31-year-old hunter, Jason Cloutier, took aim with his high-powered rifle and fired — mistaking Goode for a deer. The bullet struck Goode in the chest, passed through her and through the hand of 20-year-old Regis J. Boudinot. Goode turned to Boudinot and stated “I’m going to die” and then collapsed. Cloutier immediately tried to help Goode, but it was too late. Although this is a tragic accident, Cloutier was not supposed to be hunting on the property. He now faces charges of manslaughter, reckless handling of a firearm and trespassing. He is currently out on bail. A Remembering Jess Goode Facebook page has been created if you want to stop by. I would advise anyone not wearing a bright orange vest with blinking Christmas lights, and a loud speaker exclaiming “I am NOT a deer!” to stay out of the Virginia woods during hunting season.  Continue on for some videos.

Moscow – I was gonna post this earlier, but was waiting on more information. Captain-Lieutenant Nikolai Zakharkin, 31, suspected his common-law wife, Irina Lapuzina, 27, was cheating on him when she did not return home one night. So after drinking heavily, he sent her a chilling text message stating, “You can say goodbye” to her 8-year-old twin daughters, Dasha and Katya. He then threw both of them off of their eight-story balcony. Unbelievably, both girls survived because of the trees they fell through and not landing on pavement but as you can imagine, they both got pretty tore up. Katya, who was asleep when she was tossed, suffered a ruptured spleen. Dasha suffered serious concussion, five broken ribs, a ruptured liver and a possible backbone injury. Zakharkin has been arrested and charged with attempted murder. Wishing the girls a quick recovery and wanted to note that I love Russian names. The female names usually sound like sexy spies and the males always sound like videogame villains.

Dasha and Katya...or Katya and Dasha - love the bottom girl's expression

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