You may have noticed that I have been posting infrequently.  The reason for this is four fold.  First, I assume that I’m writing to myself and that nobody actually reads my blog (except of course for the bots that spam the comments of my posts, but I don’t consider them to be sentient, so they don’t count). 

I’ve been working a job since mid-2007 that blocks my blog, making it difficult to upload posts during work, which I did quite frequently at my last job.  Unfortunately, I like this job too much for that to be a compelling enough reason to quit.

Also, since I started dating a girl seriously back in early 2008, I’ve done fewer debaucherous things, not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t need to.  Why go through the hassle of flying to Hawaii for vacation when you live in the Caribbean? 

And finally, my girlfriend has become my fiancée which means, to complete my analogy, I just ratified the contract on my Caribbean house and I’m just waiting on the bank for the financing to come through.

I mean that in both the literal and analogous sense – I’m locked in to getting married, but damn is it expensive.  Seeing as I’ve made less than $100 in the two years this blog has been operational on ad revenue, money is somewhat of an issue, especially when you consider how much a wedding costs.

I’ve been debating, in my mind, about whether or not it’s worth it to have a full blown wedding or to elope, or to do something in between.  It’s hard for me to justify spending anywhere from $20,000 to $30,000 for one party, albeit a bitchin’ one.  And costs aside, I started wondering why it is that the royal we even throw down so much coin for one party – what is it that we’re celebrating exactly?

I don’t bring up that question with the intention of implying that marriages suck – far from it.  I bring up that question because what’s the difference between the day before your wedding and the day after?  For me, it will be very little.  My fiancée and I already spend about every minute we can together, the only reason we aren’t living together is because we haven’t found a house we like enough yet, we have our separate checking and savings accounts, but all the money we make is essentially ours to share.  Obviously this is not an exhaustive list, but finances and living situations are typically the biggest two changes for married couples.

Big wedding receptions don’t make as much sense in this day and age.  Back in the “old days,” the huge wedding reception made sense as a byproduct of shortened engagements where a man would meet a woman, ask her out on a date, propose to her on that first date, and have a wedding 3 months later.  In that situation, a wedding is a life changing event. 

In my situation, a wedding will simply be formalizing our relationship – something I am looking forward to and very excited about; however, we will have dated for two years and been engaged for another year before our wedding so the time crunch factor doesn’t exactly apply to us.  And don’t get me wrong, I still want to have a bitchin’ wedding, but in society today, it seems like it would make more sense if the wedding reception was just a reception, and it was thrown at a different point in the relationship.

Here are some potential times that a reception would have been fitting for my fiancée and me throughout our relationship:

The First Date: I’m not gonna lie, our first date was pretty amazing.  We went to dinner and then had amazing seats for Spamalot.  This practically was a wedding reception, just with a bunch of strangers instead of family and friends.

The Second Date: On the second date, I received a sign from the Chinese gods that said she was the one.  The fortune cookie I got wasn’t even subtle – it said something to the effect of “An unexpected relationship will become permanent.”  I’d say that is a reason to celebrate.  (Fun fact – I held onto that fortune and gave it to my fiancée when I proposed to her nearly two years later.)

The Day I Proposed: With emotions already running so high, it would be nice to share in it with friends.  Also, we could do it on the cheap, I mean after the proposal, I could have hosted the party in a condemned building with Cheez-Whiz as the only beverage, and she would have thought it was an amazing party – not because of the party, but because of what it was celebrating.

That’s what a wedding and reception are all about, celebrating with your friends.  I guess my point in all of this is that every day that I’ve been with my fiancée has been a celebration, and I look forward to 80 more years of celebrating with my bride-to-be, even if it means I only write in my blog occasionally.

I’ve never been off this continent before, which is surprising considering my mom has lived in Germany for the past year.  But over the course of the next two weeks, I plan on rectifying that situation by taking a tour of Europe.

I took off all of Friday because the flight for my two week excursion to Europe (which I will now and always refuse to call my “Eurotrip”) left from Dulles airport at 9:58 PM, and I had things I had to get in order, like packing.  I hear clothes are nice for trips.

I spent the day doing about what you would expect me to do the day before a long trip – I watched a movie and played some video games.  I also managed to fit two weeks worth of clothes into a duffel bag I’ve had for the last decade or so that looks like it should be able to fit about 4 days worth of clothes in it.  Since this bag was literally filled to the brim, I decided to bring another small duffel bag as carryon to take a few extra clothes and leave space for anything I bring back from Europe (as well as be a safety net incase they lost my luggage).  Of course this was in addition to my first carryon bag which was a backpack containing my dSLR camera and all of my plane-time entertainment items (e.g., iPod, e-book reader

I do have to apologize, because these next few paragraphs are going to talk about the most cliché thing you can imagine – complaining about a bad flying experience – don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So Girlfriend and I get dropped off at the airport by her parents.  We are there 2.5 hours before departure and her parents give us some money for the bar before the flight.  That’s pretty cool, if I do say so myself.

We had already checked in online ahead of time, so we just needed to check our baggage.  We go to the United counter and start looking for the baggage check.  There is a super nice and friendly United employee who asks us what we are looking for, and I inform her we are looking for the baggage check, she asks if it is for a domestic flight, and I tell her it’s international.  She directs us from the area where we were standing, where there was literally no line, around the back where there was what looked like at least a 90 minute line.

Luckily we only ended up standing in that line for 20 minutes.  During that time, I kept thinking something wasn’t right, since we had already checked in and all we had to do was check our luggage.  I asked Jenny to check and see if we were in the right line, so I trodded along with all of our luggage while she did some recon work.  She came back and told me that we were in the correct line for international flights.  Some more time passed and I still had the feeling we weren’t in the right line.  Then Jenny asked me exactly what I had asked the United employee before, and I told her I asked her where to check luggage, and she replied that international flights have to go around the corner.  Jenny picked up on the miscommunication there (I never specified that we had checked in and the lady assumed that’s what we needed).  After her second recon mission, Jenny stole me out of the line and we walked back to where we first met the United employee who sent us around the back.  It turns out if we hadn’t seen her at all, we probably would have found the place to check our bags, which was right next to where she was standing.  Five minutes later we had our bags checked.

Next we had to get through security, but we knew about this cool trick in Dulles for a secret security check point.  We walked all the way there only to discover it was closed – apparently nobody flies after 5pm.

Except for the hundreds of people standing in line at the main security checkpoint.  We waited in that line for about an hour and a half.  Our 2.5 hours of leeway was now 45 minutes.  We took the shuttle to our terminal, and walked right past a currency exchange place.  Even though you get a horrible exchange rate at the airport, we decided that we would use that one because my bank decides it needs three days advanced notice for foreign currency, and I only gave them two.

However, we didn’t stop right then – we had to make it to our gate because the boarding pass that I printed out wasn’t actually a boarding pass at all.  They had yet to assign me a seat.  Girlfriend had hers, and we booked our flights at the same time, or rather, I booked both of our flights at the same time, through the same United agent over the phone.  You would think that they would assign both seats together, next to each other.  Not only were our seats not together, but I didn’t even have a seat.

It wasn’t a huge deal, it was just going to be assigned at the gate and I didn’t want to get there late and miss my name being called and my seat be assigned to somebody else.  So we decided we’d come back to that currency exchange.

At the gate (which was literally the last one in the terminal, and thus furthest away from the currency exchange), there was a line, so I decided to stand in it since I hadn’t stood in enough lines yet at the airport.  15 minutes later I got to the front of the line only to be told that they would call my name when they had my seat.

Of course, the air conditioning was broken on this part of the terminal, so it felt like it was about 90 degrees, which did not help the situation.

I sat down with Girlfriend, and she decided that she would go to the currency exchange to get some cash.  I gave her my wallet and told her to get me some too if they would let her use my card.  Of course, they didn’t, which may have been a blessing in disguise since my credit card gives me a better rate than any currency exchange.

Ten minutes before the flight departed I still did not have my seat assignment.  I was getting a little nervous – I went from wanting to get a seat next to Girlfriend to just wanting to get a seat at all.  It turns out I did get a seat, but it was the middle seat directly behind the bulkhead for the lavatory.  Girlfriend’s seat was about 10 rows closer to the front and an aisle seat.  We thought that we might be able to convince somebody next to me to switch with Girlfriend, after all, who wouldn’t want to go from a middle seat to an aisle seat?  I’m sure you can guess that nobody on my row wanted to switch.

The first was the man on the aisle.  He was black and overweight. He was ex-military but you never would have guessed by looking at him.  My seat was next to his, which is kind of like my worst nightmare – I hate it when other people spill over into my space.

This man liked to complain a lot – he made sure to let me know that he had reserved this seat specifically two months ago and would not be changing it for anything.  The woman next to my seat decided against it for no good reason, the seat next to hers was empty for the time being, and the last seat in the row was occupied by somebody that either didn’t speak English, or pretended not to so that she wouldn’t have to switch seats.

Eventually the person in the empty seat came back and decided he would switch, one game of musical chairs later and Girlfriend and I were sitting next to each other – just in time for the flight to almost start taking off.  It’s at this point that the flight attendant informs me that I can’t have my carryon bag with all of my in-flight entertainment in front of me – the aisle had to be clear.  So I had to put all of my stuff in the already filled overhead compartments.  Awesome.

I ended up never accessing my stuff, relying instead on the airline issued entertainment.  The movies on weren’t bad, the food was stereotypical airline food, and there was the obligatory crying baby.  But we made it in safely at 11:45AM and thus started our first day in Germany.

In psychology you learn that attention is a finite resource.  There is only a limited amount of attention that any single person can give to any particular stimulus.  You can pay a little attention to multiple things or you can give all of your attention to one thing.  For instance, right now you are reading this, but not with all of your attention, most likely because you are listening for your boss to walk up behind you and you want to be able to close the browser before they realize you’re reading a site about drunken debacles instead of doing whatever it is you do so that your boss can afford an $85,000 rug in his office.

One of the interesting things about attention is that part of your attention is always reserved for special stimuli.  This most likely came about due to evolutionary demands, such as listening for a rustle in the bush to warn of any potential predators.  Now we don’t listen for predators, we listen for other key words, such as our names.

I’m sure you’ve had the sensation before, somebody at the bar is having a conversation, about what you have no idea, and being engrossed in your own conversation, you have no inclination to listen, but then all of the sudden, your ears perk up because you thought you just heard your name.  You turn to look and see if they are talking about you, but it turns out they were actually talking about Dustin, your twin brother.  How they know about Dustin you’ll never know, but that part of your life is behind you, so you go back to your conversation about Cruella DeVille and sea urchins.

It’s fun to experiment with this.  I was having a meta-conversation the other day (a conversation about our conversation) with my friend Jake while both of our girlfriends were having their own separate conversation directly next to us.  I don’t recall what their conversation entailed, but I recall very explicitly the gist of our conversation (is it even possible to explicitly remember the gist of something?).

What we were talking about was attention, though we didn’t refer to it as that.  But we noticed that the girls were so deep in their conversation that we could say anything and they would be completely oblivious, despite the fact we were sitting literally right next to them.  Their attention was focused almost entirely on each other.  We could have broken it by saying their names or yelling FIRE!, but we wanted to see if they had any other attention-stealing words besides their names and threats of immediate harm.

So we started talking about porn.  Nothing explicit, more about the fact that we could talk about porn and the girls would never notice.  We laughed and they kept on talking.  We started talking more about porn – our favorite sites, how much is on our computers, whether we had any homemade porn (neither of us had).  We then started talking about the prospects of including our significant others in our favorite pastime, but then we forgot what we were doing and drifted into other conversation.  It seems that our attention is somewhat limited as well.  But to our defense, at the time, Jake had a professional grade camera trained on his bed with professional lighting to boot.  It was a homemade porn studio if you ever saw one, so we started talking about that, and then cameras, and then I took a picture with my digital camera, so it was really more of a regression than a “I like turtles” moment.

I don’t remember what our conversation lead to after that, but neither girl realized what we were talking about.  They did, however, realize that we had laughed at some point during our conversation and wanted to know what we were laughing about.  We told them, but they were not nearly as amused as we were.

It’s that time of year again… Bells are ringing, lights are being hung and thousands are invading the malls, prepared for epic battle, in search of the perfect gift.  No, it’s not wedding season… It’s Christmas.  And with it comes those perfect occasions we all dread, at least in some small capacity, in the deepest recesses in the pits of our stomachs: The Christmas Party.    Be it at home with our relatives or at the office with the co-workers, it’s go time for awkwardness.

You probably thought it couldn’t get much worse than Thanksgiving… But it can… And it will.  Family gatherings can be a lot like a bad relationship after you’re out of it… You look back and remember the good parts with complete amnesia about all the bad parts.  But then, as soon as you walk back in the door, it all comes flooding back to you.  And all of a sudden, you want out.  Where’s my jacket?  “I think someone has $#!% on the coats!”  Office parties aren’t any better.  What’s worse than being paid to spend all day with people you can barely stand in the first place?  Not being paid to spend a night with people you can barely stand in the first place.  You might be thinking right now “No way.  I love my family and I have great co-workers.”  But deep down, you know it’s true.  And so, in the spirit of giving, in this episode I will share with you some tips for surviving those maladroit moments.

Tip #1: Don’t Get Drunk.  This is number one because it’s usually people’s biggest mistake.  Notice, I didn’t say “don’t drink.”  For one thing, this is the drunken blog and I’m pretty sure telling you not to drink is against the rules.  Alcohol is a social lubricant.  But too much lube can make you slip and bust your arse.  Get wasted with your friends.  Not in front of grandma or your boss.  Getting drunk will put you well on your way to Christmas Party infamy.  You’ll do something or say something you’ll regret.   From that moment on, whenever the subject of the Christmas Party comes up, some d-bag will say “Remember that year, when…”  Don’t be that guy.  Let someone else be that guy… Then be that d-bag who says “Remember that year, when Meredith got wasted and flashed Michael in his office?  I wonder what happened to that picture he took.”

Tip #2: Don’t Don Juan.  This isn’t the time for romance.  Lots of people are lonely around the holidays and being around people you’re familiar with at an office party can lull you into a false sense of security.  I’m about as big of a The Office fan as there is out there, but you’ll go into it thinking you’re pulling a Jim and Pam and end up pulling an Andy and Angela.  For you non-Office aficionados, that’s bad.  Delay your declaration to your soul mate of your true love for a more private setting.  It’ll help limit witnesses for the sexual harassment lawsuit.  By the way, this is also true for family Christmas Parties.  Don’t think you’d ever slip up and hit on that cute cousin?*  Just refer back to Tip #1.

Tip #3: Know Your Audience.  At some point, you will hit that point where you’re standing face-to-face with someone after exchanging a brief greeting and realize you have absolutely nothing to talk about with this person.  That’s when you panic and blurt out something along the lines of “So… How about that (local sports team)?  They were quite impressive the other day in defeating (the visitors.)” or “Been cold lately, hasn’t it?”  In December?  Imagine that.  Plan ahead.  Think about a few things to talk about with everyone you know will be there.  And also think about what not to talk about.  Cousin Eddie in the process of becoming Cousin Edna ?  Don’t ask Auntie Marie how his(her?) love life is going.  And at work, this will keep you from talking shop.  It’s a party.  Who wants to talk about work?  If you just don’t know… or care… about your co-workers, then come up with a few canned topics to talk about that are fail safe… ie, not politics, religion or the chances the receptionist has contracted an STD.

Tip #4:  Pull You Weight.  Chances are, you’re not the only one who doesn’t want to be there.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  Everyone can, and should, contribute to a Christmas party.  Of course, each person will have their own unique talents.  If you’re the music guy, make a sweet Christmas mix.  If you’re a great cook, then bake your buns off. (I apologize for that one, I couldn’t resist.)  If you’re the life of the party, then bring a party game that everyone will enjoy.  Even just being the host is contribution enough.  However, this tip has a caveat: don’t force it.  The line between party superhero and epic fail can be thin on this one.  Not everybody defines a great Christmas mix as Jay-Z’s greatest hits.  Even the best cook can miss the mark by making enchiladas for a Christmas party. And for you hard chargers, I doubt your grandma is interested in a game of Kings Cup.  Just remember Tip #3: Know Your Audience.

Tip #5: Dress the Part.  Ladies: Nobody wants to see you celebrate the birth of a beautiful, 8 pound, 6 ounce Baby Jesus (A man who died for the redemption of your sins) by wearing an 8-inch skirt, stilettos, a tube top and enough makeup to paint a barn.  Gentlemen:   You have to dress up.  At least a little bit.  I know, it sucks.  But this is one of those occasions where it’s best to over dress than show up in your tattered jeans and that Back To The Future t-shirt you found on the net.  Look sharp.  Trust me, it’ll get you prepared for Tip #6.

Tip #6: Have an Escape Plan.  By the end of the night, you’ll be considering fashioning a rope out of bath towels and rappelling out of a window to get out of there.  Yup.  At some point, you’ll look around and the most exciting thing in the room will be Great Uncle Pete drooling, half passed out in front of the TV watching reruns of Frazier.  That’s your cue to exit, stage left.  If you don’t plan this right, you can really offend your host.  Since that’s probably a close relative or your boss, you’ll want to avoid that. 

Come up with an exit strategy before you get there and make sure you hint at it as soon as possible.  If you can, bring it up before the party.  You’ll have to be casual about it at first.  But when the time comes, commit to it and never look back.  I tend to double book Christmas Parties whenever possible.  I’ll plan to go to the less stimulating event first, then wait for the moment to strike.  Just make sure your excuse is believable and you don’t pull the trigger too soon.  Sorry, but 30 minutes in is just too soon.  Rule of thumb: Someone will have a legitimate excuse to leave.  Wait 15 minutes until after the first person leaves, then go for it.  If nobody leaves, you may have to bite the bullet.  But remember: Commit and don’t look back.

Following these simple tips may not make it the best Christmas Party ever, but it will keep you out of trouble.  Save the shenanigans for your friends.  They already know what a degenerate you are.  Just remember, in the immortal words of Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: ”Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re going to press on, and we’re going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house.”

 *If you’re reading this from West Virginia, I guess that’s technically legal, but I still don’t recommend it.

So, I know what you’re thinking.  It’s been a while.  And I apologize.   Allow me to explain.  You see, I’ve been away.  Far away.  On the other side of the world, in fact.  I spent the last year in the Oriental paradise known as South Korea.  What can I say?  My job takes me crazy places sometimes.  And I know what you’re thinking, now.  What more interesting to blog about than living abroad?  Well, to be honest, the majority of my time there was spent working… not sightseeing.  So, I figured I would spare us both the effort and avoid the exercise in futility.

Now, I’ve been trying to decide an appropriate topic for my anticipated return (well… anticipated by one or two people, anyway).  There are plenty of blog-worthy topics out there right now just waiting to be expounded upon.  But none were grand enough an entrance.  Then, finally, it hit me.  What better topic for a new beginning… than the end?  The end of the world.

Believe it or not, this conversation has been coming up a lot lately in conversations.  I think it has a lot to do with all the press that’s been going around for the end of the Mayan Calendar.  Every time I get into this conversation, I find myself trying to explain how the Mayan Calendar is coming to an end and that people believe its end could mean the end of the world.  So, I figured I’d write this blog about it so, in the future, I can save my breath and send a link.

As with all my blogs, I have researched this topic in great depth… in between the commercials on my favorite TV shows (My TiVo is broken right now, so I have to suffer through them).  It turns out there are a few other theories that add to the assumption that the world will end in 2012.  This guy has done a nice job of summing up some of the more… ahem… popular theories for our impending demise.  Hence, I figure it’s only fair to quote him and then add my two cents.

1. Mayan Calendar

“The first mob to predict 2012 as the end of the world were the Mayans, a bloodthirsty race that were good at two things:

Building highly accurate astrological equipment out of stone and
Sacrificing Virgins.

Thousands of years ago they managed to calculate the length of the lunar moon as 329.53020 days, only 34 seconds out. The Mayan calendar predicts that the Earth will end on December 21, 2012. Given that they were pretty close to the mark with the lunar cycle, it’s likely they’ve got the end of the world right as well.”
 

Ok, the Mayans have never said the earth will end.  They have said there will be a major event.  Some people think that’s good, some people think that’s bad.  But, really, what we’re looking at is the end of a really long calendar.  Let’s think about it… What happens when our calendar year ends?  It resets and starts again… December 31^st leads to January 1^st.  Granted, it’s a much larger calendar than ours, but what did we think when our millennium came to an end?  Anyone remember Y2K?  Where were you when the ball dropped January 1^st, 2000?  If the answer is a bunker filled with beanie weenies and “D” batteries, this theory is for you.  I guess we can call this Y2K2… or something.
2. Sun Storms
“Solar experts from around the world monitoring the sun have made a startling discovery: our sun is in a bit of strife. The energy output of the sun is, like most things in nature, cyclic, and it’s supposed to be in the middle of a period of relative stability. However, recent solar storms have been bombarding the Earth with so much radiation energy, it’s been knocking out power grids and destroying satellites. This activity is predicted to get worse, and calculations suggest it’ll reach its deadly peak sometime in 2012.”
 

All right, seriously.  This theory is about half a century ahead of “The Sun God is going to smite us.”  Short of our sun having a heart attack, this one ain’t happening.  However, if the 3G network going down is akin to the world ending for you, you may have something to worry about.  Still, if Armageddon and Deep Impact have taught me anything, it’s that any celestial being wrought to destroy the world will quickly be identified and the crisis averted by astronauts… and off-shore drillers. 
 

3. The Atom Smasher

“Scientists in Europe have been building the world’s largest particle accelerator. Basically its a 27km tunnel designed to smash atoms together to find out what makes the Universe tick. However, the mega-gadget has caused serious concern, with some scientists suggesting that it’s properly even a bad idea to turn it on in the first place. They’re predicting all manner of deadly results, including mini black holes. So when this machine is fired up for its first serious experiment in 2012, the world could be crushed into a super-dense blob the size of a basketball.”
 

Otherwise known as the Large Hadron Collider, this particle accelerator isn’t legitimately believed to be harmful to our universe.  I mean, really, are we supposed to believe some mad scientist bent on the destruction of the world is orchestrating this while trying to fend off bad PR?  I think Superman can sit this one out.  I read somewhere that Stephen Hawking bet someone a hundred bucks that this thing wouldn’t destroy the world.  I’m taking Stephen Hawking’s side on this one.  In case you don’t trust Stephen Hawking like I do, you can always check out this website for updates: http://www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com/
 

4. The Bible says…

“If having scientists warning us about the end of the world isn’t bad enough,religious folks are getting in on the act as well. Interpretations of the Christian Bible reveal that the date for Armageddon, the final battle between Good an Evil, has been set down for 2012. The I Ching, also known as the Chinese book of Changes, says the same thing, as do various sections of the Hindu teachings.”
 

Uhm… I’m going to go with No on this one.  This is one of those Nostradamus theories.  Sure, Nostradamus’ predictions can be applied to a lot of things… Because they’re so broad.  But really, apocalypse enthusiasts, do you have to bring up the second coming every time people start getting hot and bothered about the end of the world?  At least these other theories are fresh.  You’re like a Britney Spears album… the same song over and over.
 

5. Super Volcano
“Yellowstone National Park in the United States is famous for its thermal springs and Old Faithful geyser. The reason for this is simple - it’s sitting on top of the world’s biggest volcano, and geological experts are beginning to get nervous sweats. The Yellowstone volcano has a pattern of erupting every 650,000 years or so, and we’re many years overdue for an explosion that will fill the atmosphere with ash, blocking the sun and plunging the Earth into a frozen winter that could last up to 15,000 years. The pressure under the Yellowstone is building steadily, and geologists have set 2012 as a likely date for the big bang.”
 

Does this remind anyone else of a CBS movie of the week?  I can already see the poor production quality and cheesy acting.  I think the TV networks dreamed this one up so they’d have something for the Nielsen Ratings. 
 

6. The Physicists

“This one’s a case of bog-simple mathematics. Physicists at Berekely Uni  have been crunching the numbers. and they’ve determined that the Earth is well overdue for a major catastrophic event. Even worse, they’re claiming their calculations prove, that we’re all going to die, very soon - while also saying their prediction comes with a certainty of 99 percent- and 2012 just happens to be the best guess as to when it occurs.”
 

Yeah… or you could just be wrong.  Whoops, forgot to carry the 3.  I mean, come on, Berkeley?  They were probably high when they wrote that.

7. Slip-Slop-Slap-BANG!

“We all know the Earth is surrounded by a magnetic field that sheilds us from most of the sun’s radiation. What you might not know is that the magnetic poles we call north and south have a nasty habit of swapping places every 750,000 years or so - and right now we’re about 30,000 years overdue. Scientists have noted that the poles are drifting apart roughly 20-30kms each year, much faster than ever before, which points to a pole-shift being right around the corner. While the pole shift is underway, the magnetic field is disrupted and will eventually disappear, sometimes for up to 100 years. The result is enough UV outdoors to crisp your skin in seconds, killing everything it touches.”
 

If this happens, it’s because Arthur Petrelli ultimately succeeds in destroying the world.  Save the cheerleader, save the world.   But, honestly, if this happens every 750,000 years and UV rays go turning life on earth into beef jerky, how is life on earth still around?  Although, that may explain why alligators have such leathery skin.

Ok, so there were a few old faithful methods of the apocalypse missing in there: asteroids, global warming, nuclear war, aliens… But we’ve had so many movies about those that they just don’t stick anymore.  So my bet is the world won’t end.  But if you’re going the other way, save a copy of this blog for me and use it to show future generations how awesome I was.  We’ve got another good 4 years to either live life to its fullest or stockpile for the end of days.  And if it does, in fact, come to an end in 2012, my guess is it will happen something like this.

I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer.  At least, my mom has always wanted me to be a lawyer, or a doctor, or an astronaut, or the President.  I guess that’s what mom’s do, hope that their children take up amazing professions and make lots of money so that the parents will be taken care of in their old age.  Well, I considered being a lawyer, I even took the LSAT, which is the admittance test for law school.

The LSAT, as it tends to do, didn’t even have the common decency to lube up before it had its way with me.  It was not a pleasant experience.  And yet, I’m still considering going into law school, and I have several friends who agree with that notion.  It would fit in well with my current career, but of course, it’s expensive and takes a lot of time.

And why bother going to law school when you can sue somebody without going?  You just have to make sure you sue somebody for less than $5000, which is what I’m doing.

Here’s the story.  It all started about six months ago, the condo where my girlfriend lives instituted a new parking policy.  There are about 20 communal parking spots, and they were switched from a free-for-all to a permit-only visitor’s lot.  Every unit was issued a parking pass, except the royal “they” had a list of all of the cars of the residents, so no resident could use the visitor’s pass, unless they didn’t register their car.

The parking lot went from being empty during the day, but mostly full at night, to being empty all the time.  Since none of the three people living in the apartment could use the visitor’s lot, I got to use it every time I came over (I should mention that there are three people living in that apartment, and only two parking spots - the third person is forced to park a quarter of a mile away on county roads).

So I parked without any problems.  And then in July cars starting getting towed.  First one roommate - that’s how we figured out they had a list of resident’s cars.  Then the other roommate - she parked in another visitor’s lot for which her pass apparently did not grant access.  Both of them were reasonably towed, they were residents and residents aren’t allowed to park there.  It’s a horrendous policy, but it is policy.

Then I was towed.

I was displaying a valid pass at the time, which was still hanging in my window when I picked up my car from the impound.  I asked the guy there why I had been towed and he told me it was because of a management request.  I asked him who specifically requested it, because the passes are issued by the Condo Association, but the lot is monitored by the Homeowners Association.  He didn’t know, but he gave me the contact information for a guy at the location where the HOA had their towing contract.

That guy was no help.

Then I called the Condo Association.  They were no help.  Then I called the Homeowners Association, and finally I got somewhere.  She said that somebody on the Board of Directors requested my car be towed.  She of course couldn’t say who that was, but I suspect it is the neighbor that sits in his garage at night with the lights out monitoring the parking lot.

I hope I am not like that when I grow old.  So sad and pathetic that I have to monitor a parking lot that doesn’t require monitoring.  Or so drunk for power that I need to see cars get towed to appease my desire to get back at my boss for exerting his authority over me.  Who knows what his problem is.

So now, despite the fact that I should be able to park in the visitor’s lot, I am unable and I have to park a quarter of a mile away on county roads.  And wouldn’t you know it, a day after that happens, my car gets broken into.

So I write a letter to the Board of Directors.  I ask them to reimburse me for my towing and the cost of the window.  I figured I wouldn’t get back the cost of the window, but I am entitled to the money from the towing.

I get all of my evidence together, type out a nice succinct, factually explicit three page letter, and send everything in.  I get in front of the board and plead my case.  I tell them that the clause they cited as a reason to tow me:

“A vehicle may be parked in a visitor space for a maximum of 72 hours.“

can only be interpreted to mean 72 consecutive hours.  Well, after berating me for several minutes about how it’s inappropriate to be an overnight guest so frequently, the President of the Board then tells me that the clause in the policy applies to the life of a vehicle.  So if I parked there for ten hours a week, on the eighth week, I would be breaking the policy.

Two people on the Board agreed with him, and the vote was split 3-3.  They revoted and got the same result.  It was explained to me that this meant that I lost.

I tried to resolve this amicably with them, but they were not reasonable, so I was forced to sue them.  I found out in the process that they are incorporated, so I am actually suing their attorney in the name of the HOA.

I just filed the suit today, it cost me $53, and I get to go to court the day after my birthday.

I can tell you one thing for sure, no matter how this turns out, I am getting silly that night.

Have you ever heard a phrase, most likely carelessly juxtaposed, and thought, “that needs to be the title for something – I don’t know what; I don’t know why, but it must be.” A quick Google search tells me that apparently I am unique in this thought.

One would think in the seemingly infinite amount of Simpson’s episodes that Homer would have inexplicably muttered the phrase, though I imagine that “sex”, for the sake of appeasement, would have been replaced with “Mmm” (my book antiqua font doesn’t do the word justice, but pretend it is moaned in a sexy woman’s voice) and French toast with “beer” and you’ll see that, in fact, Homer has been saying this phrase for year – they just haven’t named any episodes after it.

Since the slate is clear it allows me to have complete artistic freedom in my aptly titled piece – and you would think with my apparent six month hiatus that I would have plenty to say and the words would flow from my fingertips like sweat down the crack of a fat man in a sauna. If you used this analogy, you would be 100% correct – the words are flowing very awkwardly and grossly.

You may be wondering what I have been doing for the last six months or so. Some totally within-the-realm-of-possibility thoughts to that end might include:
• Solving world hunger
• Writing on another blog which is much better than this one
• Vacationing with all the ad revenue I have made from previously mentioned better blog
• Dying
• Opening a flower shop

If you thought one or more of these thoughts, you are absolutely correct. Plus many more things that you thought of that I didn’t mention – I did them all, and doing all those things precluded me from writing in this blog.

I don’t foresee the situation getting much better – I have planned to do all of the things you will have thought I was doing after you read this post. And it will be amazing.

In all seriousness – I am formulating, in my mind, a post about flowers, but I don’t think getting a girlfriend has changed me at all.