The Dyke and The Fag Take On:

Last night on American Idol

2010-04-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm so annoyed with my DVR, and American Idol. When it goes over, my damn DVR doesn't record. Needless to say I had to sit through a bunch of annoying performances-although I still love Annie Lennox (let's talk more about her shirt that read "HIV Positive" later)-and then had to go read who got kicked off. And the winner is....

I know this might piss off some of you gay boys (and straight ladies, maybe-and I guess some of you lesbians, if Ellen is any measure of lesbo thought)-but let me tell you-I am SO glad Tim Urban, and his insipid smile and inane comments about "having fun even though this might be my last night"-are finally gone. I loved it when they asked him why some people called him Tephlon Tim-and he said it was because he always smiled even when the judges were harsh on him. Really Tim? I think it was because every week you narrowly escaped getting kicked off because you have zero talent. You sir, are an example of how one doesn't need talent to get anywhere, just a stupid smile and a Justin Beiber hair-cut.

Finally you are gone!

And in a related note-ok not related at all-the cheeky dyke has started a blog in conjuncture with this blog called lezbolicious- it will be up soon. The first post is going to be all about a tom boy femme dyke trying desperately to find herself in this new pop culture that is so "accepting" of homosexuality. It's a little serious, yes, but worth the read, and hopefully it will spark some honest discussion. I'll try to include lots of pictures-so that Joey will be able to participate-ha ha ha!

Lady Gaga's Telephone Bill feat. Beyonce

2010-03-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

This week The Dyke and The Fag take on Lady Gaga's new video featuring Beyonce. They both agreed that the video is great, but the story needed some work. After hours of deliberation, they have written what they both see as their "opus"-until next week that is.

In a time when money is scarce and communication is priceless, Lady Gaga and Beyonce come to terms with paying the 'Telephone Bill'.

"After the last Bill, I had to start turning tricks to pay the Telephone bill. Sure, I could save money by not compulsively voting on American Idol. But if I did that, I wouldn't need a phone."

I can't even remember the amount of money I lost voting for Taylor Hicks. He probably won because of my votes.

"Big Tony? I got caught turning tricks again. I thought soda cans in my hair would make look inconspicuous. 'The Man' won this round... Oh, and tell The Fonz it'll be a bit longer til he gets his jacket."

"Big Tony" is my nickname for the dick that I don't have.

"Got me doin' jail time while bound in chains. It's like my High School Reunion all over again"

I went to reform school.

"In an act of cruel and unusual punishment, I've been sentenced to 1 year in the WNBA.

Which stands for We Need B.A:

"Alright Bitches, Lets do this."

I'm praying we finish this before my hair starts on fire.

"Great, straight to the bench."

This, ladies and gentleman will be the one and only time you will see a "daddy" wearing a thong.

"This is enough. I can't be towel girl for another day. I'm gonna disguise myself as Madonna on "Who's That Girl?" Once they realize how horribly Awesome the 80's movie I'm referencing was they'll let me out. It's fool proof"

Some prisoners dig tunnels. I bedazzled my bra.

"I'm planning an escape! I said 'NO CALLS'!"

I especially don't want to have to have a conversation about escaping when I'm standing so Effin' close to her

"You used the money for my Telephone Bill to post bail. This is a real bitter-sweet moment for me."

Wait, WHAT did you say? I can't hear you for the Coors can in my ear. I thought it was garage glamorous and went so well with my bedazzler!

"Excellent. I don't need to turn tricks to pay my Phone Bill anymore... My Madonna impression worked like a charm. Next stop, New York to empty out Madonna bank account"

Well, ok, I'll turn one more trick for the chick behind me. She doesn't look like much, but she's got mad skills.

"My ride better have a good reason for being late. This hat's resemblance to a clam is making the scary lesbians want to attack me."

I'm posing to scare them off.

"My Phone was turned off so you can get outta jail, Bitch!"

Also, bitch, this is the last time you make me drive Jimmy Bob's favorite pick-up just to impress your fellow inmates.

"Don't worry Big Tony, I have a plan to extort millions using my flawless Madonna impression and a fake ID."

I ain'tcho dick.

;

"Madonna?.... Is that bitch still alive?"

She owes me money for that last album of her's I bought. Ray of Light? More like Ray of I need to take a nap and let someone younger do this shit for me.

"Sort of, Her body still walks around but her soul left years ago. Kinda like 'Weekend at Bernie's'... Either way, her publicist still tells everyone she's alive so her bank accounts are still open."

The account number is 2311 and her password is Lourdes.

"This better work. I'm tired of sending smoke signals to my other Hoes. My ass needs a Telephone."

Your ass needs a stair master, but we can get a telephone darling, just leave it all up to me.

"Don't worry, It'll work. We just need a fake ID and you know what that means.... We have to talk to Honey."

But honey is so September 10th

are you sure she can do this?

"Hi Mariah Carey, Thanks for meeting me. I need a fake ID, again."

Quit calling me Mariah Carey, I scream for your pleasure!

"This was a brilliant idea to pretend to be Drag Queens to insure we can get to New York quickly."

[a real lesbian would never be caught dead with a table cloth on her head]

"Yes, pretend to be..."

[even if she was as hot as beyonce]

"After spending all this time with you, I've come to realize I don't need a phone as long as I have you."

"...do you think American Idol will take smoke signals?"

As long as the smoke glitters baby.

screencaps

The dyke and the Fag Take on The Oscars (our live blog)

2010-03-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Tonight we take on the Oscars-and the naked boy in the house next to The Dyke-he was JUGGLING for the love of Pete. After The Jump:

Dyke: hey let's get this show on the road!

The Fag: Yeah Baby!

The Dyke:DOOGIE! he's great...although his voice is a bit flat, don't ya think?

5:34 PM The Fag: Its super gay! I love it

The Fag:Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin desending like Angels! LOL

The Dyke: hot

5:39 PM The Fag: Sandra Bulluck is gorgeous tonight!

The Dyke: yeah she is. I love her-she has SOOOO much class.

I rarely like her movies, but I love watching her at shows like this because she's just so damn sweet.

5:40 PM The Dykeon woody harrelson "He's so HIGH"! awesome

The Fag: LOL! I know!

Dyke:What is this thing they have with George Clooney? I don't understand the joke...

The Fag: Its a vague attempt to call him irrelevent...*yawn*

The Dyke: oh that's ridiculous...

5:46 PM I adore woody harrelson

Also I was totally unaware that there is a movie about Tolstoy-and once again, Russian characters with British accents-does NOT make sense

5:48 PM The Fag: For real! Hollywood love British accents! I think from now on all hollywood period pieces should be in a Kentucky accent

The Dyke: agreed

I knew Christoph Waltz would win-BUt I secretly wished Stanley Tucci would win

5:49 PM The Fag: My voting style is more in line with E! in which it all depends on who I wanna see in their underwear.

5:51 PM The Fag: Ryan Reynolds... Yummy. Blindside looks like such a good movie!

The Dyke: The Blind Side to me is a just a movie for white people to congratulate themselves on seeing a movie about a poor black person that got saved by another white person-and the white people watching the movie can believe that they could never be racist because they liked that movie.

Guess we disagree on that movie! (I have not seen it, so I could be totally wrong about that)

5:59 PM The DykeOOOH! UP for best animated! So cute!

The Fag: It was a cute movie!

The Dyke: I like the acceptance speeches at the golden globes better-they're drunk there

6:00 PM The Fag: HAHA!! "This goes out to Johnny Smith my High School Boyfriend...You Suck!"

The Dyke: nice!

6:01 PM oh Miley Cirus... cyrus... that dress looks HORRIBLE

6:02 PM The Fag: She needs to stand up straight...Ugh she bothers me

6:03 PM The Dyke: yeah me too...I don't know if that dress would work even if she stopped slouching though

The Fag: Sweetie, her face wouldnt even work if she stopped slouching

6:04 PM The Dyke:

I'm glad T Bone Burnett won best song-I really like him, like his music, and he deserves it

6:05 PM The Fag: "I love you more than rainbows"...He lost a bet, I know it!

The Dyke: yeah totally!

OR he's completely high

The Fag: My moneys on BOTH

6:06 PM The Dyke: I love district nine, I think it's a really well done movie, it's clever, it has a great sense of history, as well as a sense of humor...it's completely engaging...and it's really smart.

I doubt it will win though

6:07 PM OOOOOOOH can't wait for the tina fey robert downey jr banter...

The Fag: I LOVE TINA FEY!!!

The Dyke: did you see her on Vogue?

6:09 PM The Fag: Yes....shes amazing AND funny

The Fag:

6:16 PM The Dyke: Mark Gold won for screenplay?

6:17 PM oh I really liked his speech

The Fag: Brevity is the soul of wit...

The Dyke: Oh Molly Ringwald-What WERE you thinking?

6:18 PM The Fag: Its very Avant Garde...Im on the fence...

The Dyke: It doesn't work on HER.

It might work on someone else

6:20 PM The Fag: Ur right...Natalie Portman couldve done it

6:21 PM The Dyke: I am loving the John Hughes monatage

He died so young!

6:22 PM WHere is Mary Stuart Masterson?

The Fag: Yes!

6:23 PM The Dyke: This is a really nice tribute

6:25 PM The fag: I know...I loved him!

6:28 PM The fagHAH! Steve Martin has the best 1 liners!

The Dyke: I totally missed it

6:29 PM The Fag: He said he was introducing 2 beautiful actresses because hes tired of bringing out ugly ones. Haha!

6:30 PM The Dyke: NICE

6:31 PM "Telling a great story...THAT'S what is going to win you an academy award"-unless you're James Cameron-then selling the most tickets will win you an award

ugh I'm so disenchanted with the academy.

6:32 PM The Fag: For real...Capitalists...I tell ya

The Dyke: Avatar should win all sorts of technical awards...but it should not have even been nominated for best picture

6:33 PM The Fag: George Clooney is being very Cliquish with that waitress he brought

6:34 PM The Dyke: I know-he always has the best beards with him.

The Fag: HAHA! 4 real!

6:36 PM The Dyke: I love Carey Mulligan, LOVE the dress, and LOVE the hair-although she has been quoted as saying she is sick of it. [ed: THIS would have been more amusing than Ben Stiller]

6:38 PM I really hate ben stiller

THis bit is really really stupid

6:39 PM The Fag: Yeah it kind of is... :-(

6:40 PM I think Star Trek will win [for make-up]

The Dyke: I hope it wins something-I really enjoyed it

6:41 PM Emily Blunt (the young victoria) is just so damn hot. I want to see her unders!

YOU Called it! Star Trek for best make-up!

6:42 PM The Fag: HAHA! They shouldve gotten a Fashion nomination...I didnt see too much make-up

The Dyke: Yeah, I really didn't either-at least not so I remembered it.

The Dyke:

6:49 PM I really like how they read a snippet from the screenplay-it's really interesting

in the best adapted screen play nominees announcement

6:50 PM well, although I bloody LOVE district nine, I am glad a screenplay by and about black people is honored=as in opposition to stuff like Blind Side

6:52 PM I also love that Geoffrey Fletcher is sort of crying in his acceptance speech

The DykeQueen Latifah is SOOOOO hot-my GOD what I wouldn't give to marry her.

6:53 PM Someone told me she's queer and in the closet-could we be so lucky as to have her on our team ? what do you think?

6:54 PM The Fag: I think you should totally hit that! You'd adopt some really cute kids!!

The Dyke: oh man-our kids could rap, act and then do some serious lit theory on that shit

6:55 PM I would certainly love to try to make babies with Queen Latifah

even if we never actually succeeded

Speaking of irrelevant-here's Robin WIlliams

The Fag: OH SNAP! Score: Dyke - 1 Robin - 0

The DykeMONIQUE is GONNA win this. [ed best supporting actress]

6:59 PM The Fag: Its a shame too, I loved Anna Kendrick in 'Camp'

The Dyke: Monique has been SOOOO campaigning for this

7:00 PM The Fag: You called it! She won!!!

7:01 PM The Dyke: Yeah, Anna Kendrick needs to hone her skill a bit more

The Fag: Tyler Perry and Oprah in the same category? Really??

The Dyke: yeah that was stupid. I am glad she brought up Haddie Macdaniels though-

7:03 PM The Fag: That preview for 'An Education' looked great!

7:05 PM The Dyke: I know I totally want to see it

7:06 PM ah sigourney weaver...

too bad she was in Avatar.

I'm all for Avatar winning for production design and set decoration

it's gorgeous

7:07 PM although those are some seriously great competitors

The Fag: I can accept that it won for set design. The landscapes were beautiful...The story didnt really live up to it...

7:08 PM The Dyke: terrible acceptance speech

oh I meant the "jim cameron I see you"

7:09 PM LOVE that Steve Martin said "...and she weighs a single pound" about SJP

7:10 PM also, I thought I loved Sarah's dress-I'm changing my mind, I don't love it so much as hate it.

I hope coco before chanel wins for best costume design

7:11 PM The Fag: Sandy Powell has a vey 20's look...I kinda like it

7:12 PM The Dyke: I was thinking the same thing-she wears it very well, and it's just a great dress

Theron's dress-bad the flowers are on her breasts are hideous

7:13 PM The Fag: I know! It pains me to say cause I love her SO much

7:15 PM The Dyke: oh! so there are a bunch of hipster guys living in the house next to ours, and we have huge windows on our landing-the curtains are off of them right now-I can see into their upstairs bedrooms (as they can see into mine)-and one of the boys just totally stripped down naked-I think he forgot, or doesn't know that I could see him.

I felt sort of perverted, but I also sort of enjoyed it, and hope he does it again

7:16 PM The Fag: OMG! And you didnt take PICS!

7:17 PM Dyke: I need to purchase a camera

DykeOh this is funny, paranormal activity spoof!

7:18 PM LOVE the slap!

oh here's your boy!

[taylor lautner]

He is SOOO nervous

7:19 PM the academy is HONORING horror movies-interesting

THis is the academy attempting to respond to complaints that they are stuffy, old, and pretentious

7:21 PM FAVE quote (from Jezebel.com's live blog):Peter Sarsgaard is the only man in the world who sounds less gay with an English accent.

Fag: HAHA! Love it!

7:22 PM Dyke: there's carry-every fag's fave horror movie

Fag: Hey?! Why didn't they show 'I know what you did last summer' ... Hehe

Dyke: lol

7:23 PM Fag: Awww....Zach just woke up...

7:24 PM Dyke: God DAMN it I try to make my hair look like that-I mean seriously work at it-I have at least a hundred dollars worth of product, and it works about 10% of the time

Fag: Its easy...put all the product in your hair...do nothing...then take a nap for 2 hours. Done.

7:25 PM Dyke: I don't have to work until 3PM I think I'll try that!

oh hurt locker for sound?

interesting-I wonder if that's a consolation prize because they didn't vote for the movie as best picture... (I hope not) Dyke:

FagO! Too funny!

7:33 PM When will they come up with a Birth Control pill that WILL protect against STD's??

Dyke: I love how birth control pill commercials always say "the pill does not protect against STDs

OH EM GEE- JINX!

7:34 PM Fag: HAHAHA! Great minds!

7:35 PM Dyke: yay sandra bullock-I love her, the dress is great, she is gorgeous

Fag: Sandra Bullock has such grace

Dyke: "dude make me look good..I'm serious make me look good first...then get all artsy..."

Fag: LOL

7:38 PM Dyke: ok I'll be muting James wonderbread boring lame watered down crap taylor

7:39 PM Fag: Hahah! Amen Sister!

Dyke: Lady Gaga should have done this tribute

7:40 PM Fag: For Real! Poker Face would be a good one

Dyke: my friend put a pic of Al Roker on his face book and commented "r r r roker face, TAKE THAT GAGA" it cracked me up

7:43 PM Fag: HAHA!

7:46 PM J Lo... havnt seen her in awhile

Dyke: I saw an article about her bitching about how she deserves oscar nods for some roles that she did...I never liked her a LOT but when I read that, I lost a lot of respect for her-NO class

7:48 PM and also, what the HELL is this dance thing?

Fag: Thats the problem with a lot of people in Hollywood. They are under the misguided notion that Money=Class...Ummm No!

7:49 PM Good Question...Is this interperative Dance?

Dyke: I like the Fantastic mr fox dance though

I love that there is a thing called "interpretive dance" I thought all dance was interpretive

Yeah I think they are dancing to the sound tracks of nominated movies? or nominated soundtracks?

7:50 PM Also I love when contemporary and classical dance are combined-if it's done well it's super hot

(if not it looks hackneyed and well...awful

7:52 PM Fag: The robot guy was hot...Thats my 2 cents on the dance...

Dyke: yeah the dance was sort of one of those performances where they choreographed it for the mainstream public who don't know anything about dance, so they made it "palatable"

7:53 PM agreed he was.

Oh, I should remember that I"m a dyke and start looking at the ladies more...

7:55 PM Fag: Oh Bradley Cooper... Let me be ur Boy Toy...

5 minutes

8:01 PM Dyke: LOL oh George Clooney, let's pretend we're straight together

OH Best documentary

LOVE this category

8:03 PM I''m really glad that documentaries have gained popularity lately

8:04 PM Fag: Me too...they put some really important issues into the spotlight.

8:05 PM Dyke: And the work that goes into them is exceptional, and totally deserves the recognition as good film making

OH god Tyler Perry-

8:06 PM Fag: Oh look...No fat suit for Tyler Perry today...

8:07 PM Dyke: hate Tyler Perry

Fag: Loved the Snuggie joke!

Dyke: missed it because my housemate doesn't have dvr and wanted to rewatch the dolphin thing

8:08 PM oh! hurt locker for editing!

Fag: Oh...Tyler Perry was giving examples of wide shots and medium shots and then told the camera to go backstage which then showed Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin watching TV in Snuggies

8:09 PM Dyke: (I swear they are doing this so they don't have to give the "big" prize to it)

NICE! that's hilarious

Keanu Reeves

8:10 PM oh neighbor boy getting naked again-AND JUGGLING

Fag: WHAT?? Camera phone...quick

Dyke: I should totally do like the Taylor Swift video and write a note to him

sorry don't have one-I'm terribly low tech

8:11 PM Fag: Darn it! Now I have to rely on Porn...thanks!

8:15 PM Dyke: yeah sorry I'm trying to catch up with technology

OOOOH best foreign language film

Is Coco before Chanel even nominated? I hope so and I hope it wins just because I loves me some Audrey Tautou

8:16 PM nope oh well

8:17 PM Argentinian film wins-AWESOME

Fag: I know...That looked like a good film!

8:18 PM Dyke: South America has never been recognized nearly as much as it should for their amazing films

LOVED The speech too-"thanks to the academy for not considering Nabi a foreign language"!!!

8:21 PM his penis moves just a bit as he juggles....

fer realz

I wonder why he is doing this

Fag: OMG! ur such a tease

8:22 PM Joey's glaze over as he stares into the distance imagining the jiggle

5 minutes

8:27 PM Dyke: imagine Geo Clooney juggling naked!

8:29 PM What do you think of Julianne's dress?

Fag: You're just bragging now

Dyke: oh sorry that wasn't suggesting that the guy looks at all like geo-I was saying I'd rather it was geo instead of a skinny hipster boy

8:30 PM I don't hink Morgan Freeman should win because although I really like him, I don't think he's a great actor. I think he plays the same role in everything he does.

8:31 PM Fag: For real! I think Julianne's dress in classy, not too imaginative but shes cute.

Is the Audio cutting out for u too?

8:32 PM Dyke: yeah, I think the color choice was too conservative for someone with such classic beauty-she can be a bit more daring that dress

no my audio is fine

oh here we go Kate Winslet-FINE.

I really really love the SHAPE of her dress, but the color is a bit too "tin man"

8:33 PM I want Jeff Bridges to win

you?

YAY!

Fag: HE WON!!

8:34 PM Kate Winslet looks adorable...A bit too shiny but I like it

Dyke: mainly because I knew he would have the best speech

8:36 PM Fag: Bring us home, Big Guy!

Dyke: yeah totally-I was wrong about the speech!

Fag: LOL

8:37 PM Dyke: oh did you see colin firth's obvious disappointment? I hope Jezebel dot com does a gif about it.

BARBRA STREISAND! I'm in HEAVEN! Can't wait!

8:38 PM Fag: I didnt notice! Im gonna rewind it

8:39 PM Dyke: no she's not on yet

she's up after the commercial

oh and btw, I just noticed that naked hipster juggling has a girl in his room-he was doing it for her

8:40 PM which is sort of hot

If meryl wins it is only because she has lost so many times

8:41 PM did you see on the cover of one of those gossip rags that supposedly oprah and obama are having an affair?! HILARIOUS!

Fag: No way! Hehe

Dyke: I'd like to think he has better taste

Fag: I rewinded it see Colin Firth...

8:42 PM Dyke: ah, did you see it?

it was sort of awesome

Helen Mirrem (SP?) is really pretty

8:43 PM Fag: She is...I hope I age that gracefully...

Dyke: god, me too.

I think the bourbon has totally gone to my head though

8:44 PM can I just say that I absolutely LOVE actors, and I absolutely LOVE the craft of acting...I wish I could do it

8:45 PM oh gabby is crying

8:46 PM Fag: I know... I would too. Such an amazing story, both hers and Precious

Dyke: totally agreed

8:48 PM Sean Penn has a skinny tie on!

what did his speech mean?

8:49 PM Fag: She Won!!!!!! Yay Sandra!

Dyke: good for her! But she didn't deserve it

8:50 PM her speech is very classy though

8:51 PM Fag: They didnt cut to George

Dyke: I know, sad

8:52 PM Fag: Exquisite. Best Speech so far...Classy, Funny & tear-jerking

8:53 PM Dyke: agreed I have tears.

BABS!

looking a wee tired-not liking the scarf

8:54 PM

ok here we go-best director! who do you want? and who do you think will actually get it?

want=bigelow

actual=cameron

8:55 PM Fag: want=terintino

get =cameron

Yay...Id settle for her

Dyke YAY bigelow got it!

8:56 PM Fag: Go Katherine

Dyke: I didn't cue my tv back up to live I'm about ten seconds behind-so you and my housemate gave it away for me! LOL

8:58 PM what the fuck was cameron shaking his head for? Was it amazement? or that he didn't think she should have won?

Fag: Have you seen The Hurt Locker yet?

Dyke: HURT LOCKER WON!

no, unfortunately I have not

Fag: We just rented it...Im excited to see it now

9:00 PM Dyke: I love that Bigelow is holding BOTH awards-double fisting as it were!

Fag: LOL! Thats hot!

Dyke: yeah it is Goodnight everyone hope you all had as much fun as we did!

13 minutes

The Dyke says:

2010-03-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

I don't think they should have added more movies to the Best Movie category.

It is supposed to be a prestigious award that goes to a movie that should be amazing-it should have amazing acting, editing, production, cinematography, the story should be amazing, and clever (nothing is original, but the story should be a unique take on its subject matter), etc etc. This competition should be the best of the best. It should not be expanded to include more competitors-this is not a red rover competition in elementary school.

This Dyke is right!

Underwear at the Oscars

2010-03-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

OH EM GEE-on the TV Guide network, they are LIVE at the red carpet-and they are discussing what the stars might wear UNDERNEATH their gowns...

Here's what I want to see-

George Clooney's unders

And even though it might seem creepy-Meryl Streep's unders-

Who's unders would YOU like to see?

The Dyke and the Fag Take on The OSCARS

2010-03-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

Tonight we will be discussing the winners but mostly the losers at the Oscars-because we love the losers-they're easier to make fun of (except for James Cameron)! So look out for the dyke and fag's live blog at the Oscars! SEE YOU THERE!