The East Man Variety Hour

Us Crazy Methane Men

2011-08-26T18:35:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. And, in my continued goal to talk about things nobody else does but we all share anyway, I bring you my presentation on farts.

Flatulence. Cutting the cheese. Passing wind. Lettin' 'er rip. We all do it (except girls, they never fart).


Seriously, nothing bad can come from this.

The wonder of farts is that there are so many different ones. "How many different ways can you expel gas from your rectum?" you ask. Did you? No? Oh. Well, I'll pretend you did and outline some different types of farts.

The Flash: You're just chillin', minding your own business. No signs of digestive turbulence. Then, suddenly, after bending over or in mid-stride, you fart. No warning signs, no pressure buildup, just an instant fart. You feel confused and betrayed by your rectum for not stopping that or warning you.

The Mustard Gas: Now, this time you're prepared for your fart. You're by yourself (or with someone you really dislike), so you let it flow freely. Normally, you have a lapse of time before you smell it, if at all. No, not this one. The second that familiar rumbling reaches your ears, so does the stench. Stench is an understatement. This fart is right up there with the drunken Taco Bel morning farts, and it spreads instantly. This defies all science and you gently weep for your sense of smell, for it will never be the same after sampling this.

The No Show: Oh man, you can feel this one brewing. This will be your one and most triumphant fart. Your girlfriend is right next to you, you need this to be big. You brace yourself, knuckles white against the arms of the couch, and then.... *ffffff* What the fuck, anus, you let me down on that one. That sounds like a poof of dust should've come out.

The Impressive Loner: You're sitting alone somewhere, and let out the small amount of gas out. Then you immediately wish you had a recorder or camera or something because that was the single greatest fart you have ever produced and nobody was around to hear it! FUCK!

CARS VERSUS BIKES! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

2011-08-13T20:23:00.000-04:00

I own a car. Therefore, I hate bikers. Hate the game, not the player. Or is it the other way? I've heard it both ways. Whatever. If you own a car, you hate bikers, if you bike, you hate car drivers. Fact of life. But, surprisingly, I'm not hear to bitch about those twats on wheels.


FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! EVERYONE! COME SEE THE ROAD FIGHT!

I'm not sure how it rolls in your country, but bikers around here aren't allowed on the sidewalk. This is where my poorly thought-out rant lies. That leaves the road and bike lanes for them to use. Very few roads in my city have a bike lane, so that leaves them to contend with actual vehicles.

Imagine a biker, on a sidewalk, hitting a pedestrian. If you're imagining a fat guy getting hit like I am, it's mildly to respectably funny. Scraped knee, some rough words, but ultimately everyone is fine. Now imagine a car hitting a biker.

Pfft, who needs imagination when the internet has specific shit like this?

That's a lot worse than scraped knees. And if you imagined a fat guy getting hit again, then that just makes it worse, you sick, sick person. I think there should be a helluva lot more bike lanes, or let them ride on the sidewalks again. Keeps them out of my way, but for their own safety. Not just my irrational hatred.

Don't Know If Hate

2011-08-09T11:53:00.000-04:00

Want to hear me complain about something else I hate? No?

Oh. Sorry then, I'll stowell that's too goddamn bad here we go!

Bumper stickers. A few tasteful ones, that's cool. Shit like this? Needlessly uncool.


Because I wanted to know your political opinions and offspring's honor roll status while stuck in traffic

I think the worst thing here is that, deep down inside my head, a little voice is telling me "Hey man, it's their property, they can do what they want with it." But then the louder, angry voice inside the rest of my head is telling me "Your car deserves to be run over by a bulldozer you useless prat."

Do we care about your view on Iraq? No. Do we care about you liking hockey? Nada. Do we find Calvin pissing on a wall funny? 10 years ago, maybe. Nor do we care about what pets you have, stupid anecdotes my mother would send me in an email, your religion, what you do on your spare time, or where you have to drive your kids.

"Well, East Man, don't look at it if you don't like it." Well, hypothetical question maker, you don't drive much, do you? You kinda have to look at the vehicle in front of you to, you know, not run into it. The cancer ribbons are fine, though, because that actually means something useful.

Trailers For A Blind Man

2011-08-01T22:04:00.001-04:00

If there's one thing I just don't understand, it's this: action movie trailers on the radio.

Here, just go to Youtube and look up a trailer for any action movie you haven't seen. Now, close your eyes, and listen to it. Do you know what's going on? No, no you do not. Neither does anybody that listened to that on the radio. If you do know what's going on you're either e-Daredevil or a dirty cheater.

The most recent one I heard was for Cowboys & Aliens. Here's what the trailer consisted of:

*Whoooooosh*
"They're here!"
*WORB*
-EXPLOSION-
*ARRWRARARARB*
-EXPLOSION-
-YELL-
-SCREAM-
"Cowboys & Aliens, now in theaters"

Had I seen the trailer on TV or something, I could easily see there were spaceships and aliens, just as the title insinuated. On the radio? A bunch of nonsensical noise and gibberish. And that's what grinds my gears.

Also! Results for ass-wipe position. 68% wipe sitting, 31% standing. Since a girl mentioned she stands, I think it's quite safe to assume all girls stand when wiping. East Man out.

Bad Action Movie Ideas: Part 2

2011-07-28T18:56:00.001-04:00

"Oooh, look at me, I'm debatably the greatest film of all tiiiime!" I don't think so. Why not? NEEDS MORE ACTION!

Part 2: Citizen Kane
Greatest film of all time? Only after I'm done with it.

Synopsis: Charles Foster Kane, a media mogul, dies in his bed alone after muttering "Rosebud." Reporter Jerry Thompson investigates the meaning of his final words. Jerry is ambushed by government agents and is forced to flee after his house, and his research, is destroyed. With help from Kane's butler (an ex-military agent) Raymond, Jerry discovers that Kane is actually a prototype robot killer (codename "Citizen: Kane"). He also discovers that Kane is still alive, and seeking vengeance on both the military that built him, and Jerry for discovering his secret.

Just before his death after an epic showdown between military spec-ops and Kane in his mansion, Jerry discovers that "Rosebud" was the name of Kane's childhood sled. As he slowly bleeds out on the floor, he can't help but think a robot on a revenge mission over a sled is pretty retarded. Because the government destroyed his sled when he was abducted as a child and turned into a robot.

Or something. If I add enough explosions and tits, I can probably slack a bit on the plot making sense.

Bad Action Movie Ideas: Part 1

2011-07-25T18:27:00.000-04:00

You know what's good? Action movies. You know what's bad? Movies that shouldn't have action. Well that's too damn bad. I'm putting action into whatever movie I want.

Part 1: Schindler's List

Outstanding drama about the holocaust. Needs more action.


I tried to shoop a gun into his hand to no avail (read: laziness)

Synopsis: In Poland during World War II, Oskar Schindler gradually becomes concerned for his Jewish workforce after witnessing their persecution by the Nazis. And then he trains them to be killers and they systematically kill the Nazi German hierarchy of power. And there are about 27 more explosions than the original. 28 if you include the movie poster. And there's a wicked gun fight/kung fu battle/car chase with Hitler.

Oh yeah, this movie is gonna fly.

A Shitty Debate

2011-07-20T16:35:00.002-04:00

I'm gonna let you guys in on something big. A surprising amount of people have never thought of this. It's something that may just rock your world upside-down! Told you the bowl you packed was too big, dude.

Ready for this?

Some people wipe their ass standing up.

And some people wipe their ass sitting down.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNN

Yeah, there are two hole damn options in wiping fecal matter from your derriere. This isn't really something you're given a class or a "...For Dummies" book about. What factors play in to your method of choice? Gender? Toilet paper roll location? Color of the bathroom walls? Were I a scientist, I would... probably not get the funding to look into this, actually.

I set up a poll on the right, let me know your M.O. of using your shit tickets.

And Now For Something (Possibly) Completely Different

2011-07-17T11:46:00.001-04:00

Hold the hell on everybody, because there's about to be some MAD READER INTERACTIVITY HERE!

Well, no, not really, I just wanted opinions from you fine folks that actually read my ramblings. I'm thinking of switching around a few things with my blog. It'd be selfish for me to change things to my own preference if you readers enjoy something else. Plus I have terrible ideas and need sane people to judge it.

So, here are the issues I'm thinking of changing:

Instead of seeing the entire post up front, have the "Read More" link to take you to the full page
Somehow get a line break between posts. The best I could manage is the box around the "Posted by" and "# Comments" to separate, and I think changing it further would mean a new template
Maybe make the blog wider. It's at 800px, but then I wonder how many people still use 800x600. I'm pretty sure it's auto-resized for mobile devices, so that's not an issue

That's about it. If you have any ideas, let me know in the comments section.

And I'm not doing lens flare dammit

East Man Variety Hour Sex Scandal/Divorce/Secret Child/Miscarriage/Illegal Drugs!!!

2011-07-14T16:34:00.003-04:00

If I had the power to remove one concept from the world, it would be tabloids. (World hunger? Pfft, figure that out yourselves) If there was ever a waste of paper and even just mental energy, I think this is it. People like celebrities, and like to gossip about them. Fine. But the tabloids. Oh lord, the tabloids.

I was bored at work today, and decided to look at one of those magazines, because hey, pretty colors. I open up a page called "Just Like Us!" What, the celebrities? No shit, they're humans too. It got worse. "They shop for groceries!" Holy fuck, they eat food too? I never knew. "They take their kids to the park!" Yeah, some of them are actually good parents. Some. Teen Moms sucked as parents the second they didn't use a condom. "They go to the movies!" WOAH!

I'VE GONE TO THAT PARK TOO!! EEEEEE JULIE IS GONNA FLIP OUT!!!

Who sat down and decided this article had any sort of merit? And better yet, what readers are actually interested in this article? I would not want to meet those people. Don't think I'm judging tabloids just on that article. The majority of the news is pure bullshit, and you and I both know it. I saw "Garth Brooks Murder Mystery!" a few years back, and since I dislike Garth Brooks, I read it. Was Garth Brooks involved? No. His old manager was involved in a murder mystery somehow. Those dirty lying bastards.

So I've ranted incoherently enough for now, I think. Wait... no, just one more. WHO CARES WHO WORE THE DRESS BETTER?!? ...Okay, there, we're good.

Furry Fetish? Frighteningly Fowl.

2011-07-04T20:33:00.001-04:00

This has been messing with me for a while, but I'm not entirely sure if I want to find the answer. Furries. I don't even have to give a brief description, everyone who's ever used an internet before knows. If you haven't, please return to your Amish village, I think you are very lost.

What I'm trying to understand is why. Just... why. At what point in these people's lives do they make the preference switch to anthropomorphic animals?
Psychology has so far shed light on a lot of stuff, like girls with daddy issues being slutty (I'm not complaining). They've figured out childhood things that lead to other things later in life (good description, I know). But furries? Why?

More on the list of fetishes I don't understand: scat and urine. If it's still under the dom/sub fetish, then christ, buy a whip or something, no need to shit in their mouth. Pregnant gals fetish, too. Are they some sort of hyper-pedophile that likes kids before they even come out?

The human mind is a straaange thing, and I wish I understood it.

To Butthurt, Or Not To Butthurt

2011-06-26T17:18:00.007-04:00

It seems that recently, 3 separate events happened that are apparently pissing people off. And I have no idea why. I'm an easy-going guy, but I can usually figure out why people raise hell about things. Not so, with these 3 cases.

#1: Team Fortress 2 is now Play For Free

Team Fortress 2, nearly 4 years after its release, was declared free to play. And if, god forbid, you don't know what that means, it means you don't have to buy it anymore, you can install and go at it. There are less features than the purchased version, but nothing all that notable.

Lo, the internet cried "I want my $20 back! Why did I pay for it then if it's free now?!?" First off, $20. Twwwwenty dollars. If that's the greatest financial injustice done to you, then you are one lucky sunovabitch. Secondly, this game is $20. Personally, I have over 200 hours clocked on this. I've spent $60 on games that last 10 hours. I dunno if my math is 100% correct on this, but that's a bazillion times greater value than $60 games. I can understand if someone bought the game a day before this was announced, but honestly, if you played it for more than a week, you've gotten your value out of it.

#2: EVE Online Clothing Costs Too Much

EVE Online is a space sim with an apparently complex in-game economy. A new update let you create avatars that could walk around in space stations (before, you couldn't leave your ship). Of course, the company wanted to make a bit of money by selling clothing for said avatars. That's all fun and games, except they're releasing items that cost up to $70 of actual dollars. Not the in-game currency. Your cash. That's 3.5 TF2's! (Or infinite TF2's, with the free to play.)

In protest, thousands of ships converged at the central trade hub in EVE and started shooting the shit out of it, as seen in the above image. Okay, now this is a better reason to be angry, but instead of ruining the game for yourself (and apparently others, with the lag it's creating), here's my idea: don't fucking buy the items.

If nobody buys the items, then the company just might realize it's a gigantic waste of time and either remove it or lower the prices. That's just my idea. Then again, I played EVE for all of 2 hours, so maybe these players are just that hardcore.

#3: Kia Car Ads Making People Butthurt
An advertising company created these two ads to promote dual-zone air conditioning on a new Kia model. (Click to enlarge)

I look at this and think "This is pretty funny." Apparently a lot of people have looked at this and thought "THIS IS ATROCIOUS AND OFFENDS ME AND BLAH-DE-FUCKING-BLAH." People don't seem to have a sense of humor anymore. These ads weren't even made official by Kia, it's just a mockup from an ad company. If people are offended by this, then by jove they're not on the internet enough.

Major Tom To Ground Control

2011-06-22T23:23:00.002-04:00

I want to share a bit of mindfuckery* with you fine folks. Well, you may not enjoy it, as your mind has been fucked enough that you feel it no longer, but let's take a shot

The universe is a pretty big honkin' place, no? Nearly infinite.

On a scale of 1 to "holy shit that's expansive," it's a "my fragile little mind cannot comprehend this scale"

It's pretty safe to say that there's other life out there somewhere.
Imagine what sort of life that would be. Could be. They wouldn't be carbon-based, bound by gravity, or even exist on phenomenon imaginable by us. An entire planet could be sentient. The atmosphere of another planet could hold an entire species of gas-based life or something. Hell, there could be another planet exactly like earth where evolution worked out relatively the same as us.

Wild stuff here, people.

*Can you believe that word isn't in the Firefox dictionary? Yeesh.

Where's The Memo About Me Being An Adult?

2011-06-17T18:46:00.000-04:00

I laugh at immature jokes, I stay up 'til 3 in the morning playing video games, and I eat cereal for supper. I still feel like a teenager, but somewhere along the line, me being an adult slipped right in there. I pay bills, I budget my money, I work a full-time job, I have to clean my own house.

Seriously, why wasn't there a class for this? I mean, I picked it up over time (after overdue bills and piles of dishes higher than myself), but damn. This is an odd experience. Not that I regret it, because I can do the various things I said in the first sentence without my parents murdering me. Drive wherever I want. Decorate my house with doilies if I really wanted to (I don't want to). It's pretty chill.

Sepia and Helvetica and Plaid, Oh My!

2011-06-09T20:29:00.001-04:00

Hipsters. An annoyance for some, an acceptance for others, and maybe even a connection for a few of you reading. Today, I have decided (for myself, since I have absolutely no sway or power) that the Hipster Hate has gone on long enough.

"You dirty hipster, East Man!" you may ponder. "NAY!" I ponder even louder back at you. Making fun of hipsters has just gotten boring now. Everyone's in on it now, and it's getting lame. We've heard all the jokes. We all know the niches of hipster culture, the phrases, etc. We need something new. And something new this way comes.

Think back a few years. Hipsters didn't exist. We've had a linear flow of subcultures to make fun of, the next one almost completely shadowing the previous. Remember making fun of emos, goths, skaters, ravers, metal heads, and all those other wacky ones I can't quite remember right now? Sure, there are remnants of jokes here and there, but the subculture mocking train is stopped squarely at Hipster Station right now (it's underground, you've probably never been there*). We need to move on to greener pastures, unsoiled by the cow turds of hate and jokes (wow that's a bad analogy).

So, I think we should invent a brand new subculture and then make fun of it. Who's down?

*See? Everyone's heard that one before

"That's Bush league, man"

2011-06-07T18:27:00.000-04:00

Summer. Not a fan. Oh, wait? What's that? Summer hasn't even started yet? Someone tell this weather to get the fuck out until then.

"Oh man, not cool dude, how do you not like summer?" - Probable reader
I do. Sun? Aight. Beaches? Cool. Bikinis? Sign me up. Heat? No. You ruin the equation, heat. I've never been a fan of heat. Just this past winter I never put on more than my tshirt and spring jacket. A/C is my lifeline in the summer, right above rolled down car windows.

Here's a situation: you're cold. You put on more clothes, blammo, you're good. Still cold? More clothes, heat packs, whatev. Now you're hot. You take off all the clothes, and you're still hot. Now you're naked, and people are staring. You're still hot. TOO BAD THAT'S AS FAR AS YOU GET.

That's about it. I will begrudgingly enjoy your comments about how you love summer, and actually enjoy your comments about not enjoying summer.

"Was it good for you too?" "I've had better"

2011-06-06T12:41:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to pop in quickly and ask what everyone thinks of the place so far. I'm probably not going to change much design-wise past this, but if there's something you want to see, let me know in the comments. Colours, positioning of stuff, whatever, let's hear it.

And that quote for the title? Yes, I've told a girl I've had better. Not the smartest move.

EDIT: I got a good suggestion. I think it's a bit too subtle...

You check out Guitar George, he knows all the chords

2011-06-05T11:16:00.000-04:00

So I actually set an alarm this morning. Got up at 9:30, not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be. It's nice being showered, dressed, and ready for whatever. Especially considering I wouldn't even be up by now otherwise.

Any musicians following? I'm getting some good guitar practice in. It's a pretty cheap guitar (Pacifica), but I'm still somewhat of a beginner. I do a (very) small bit of piano too, and can hold a beat with drums. And I guess if you know guitar, you know the basics of bass.

Bass. I don't get that word. It's pronounced base. It looks like bass (bah-ss). English is a wonky language sometimes. Hell, make up a new word for it! Bayse. Baise. Something like that.

Road Raaaage

2011-06-04T23:20:00.000-04:00

I'm a pretty laid back guy. I don't get mad at things everyone else would. I thought I was just never angry. I am. I just save it all for when I drive.

It's awful, really. Seeing someone like me turn into a cursing inferno behind the wheel. I find I combo-swear at people. Fuckshitter. Assbitch. I knew it went to far one day when I thought one lady as a "cunt violin." That doesn't even make sense.

Stupid Sleep

2011-06-04T13:56:00.000-04:00

I really need to start setting alarms on my days off. I woke up a bit and saw that it was only 8:30, figured I could get another hour or so in. Bam, it's now after noon. I know it's only a few hours of awake time in the morning, but it feels like so much longer when you actually do it. I'm now making breakfast at 2pm.

An Introduction

2011-06-03T22:32:00.000-04:00

Hello there. I created this blog... for no real reason, actually. Thought it might be nice to do some more writing. "About what?" you may ask. Hopefully not aloud, or it may seem strange that you're talking to your computer. "Whatever I want," is what I reply (in text, still not big on talking at my computer). So, sit back and read whatever it is I choose to complain or comment about.