This is the full feed for The Editing Room. If you want a feed for only the Abridged Script features, you want http://feeds.feedburner.com/TheEditingRoomScriptsOnly 2010-08-20T01:44:32Z WordPress http://www.the-editing-room.com/feed/atom TheEditingRoomhttp://feedburner.google.comSubscribe with My Yahoo!Subscribe with NewsGatorSubscribe with My AOLSubscribe with BloglinesSubscribe with NetvibesSubscribe with GoogleSubscribe with PageflakesThis feed is for all content on The Editing Room. For just Abridged Scripts, you want: http://feeds.feedburner.com/TheEditingRoomScriptsOnly Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1605 2010-08-20T01:44:32Z 2010-08-17T13:00:56Z

<div id="attachment_1614" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 535px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/inception1-525x350.jpg" alt="" title="Incraption" width="525" height="350" class="size-medium wp-image-1614" /><p class="wp-caption-text">&quot;Alright guys, this is the last time we use MapQuest instead of Google Maps.&quot;</p></div> <p><pre> FADE IN: INT. JAPANESE CASTLE THING LEONARDO DICAPRIO awakens on a BEACH and meets KEN WATANABE IN AWFUL OLD-PERSON MAKEUP.  After some cryptic words, we cut to KEN no longer wearing the makeup, and also JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT is there. LEONARDO DICAPRIO I can help train you to maintain control while you dream, Ken.  No guys with razor gloves, no ex-girlfriends you're trying to erase, and absolutely no Jennifer Lopez. KEN WATANABE What makes you so confident, Romeo? LEONARDO DICAPRIO Because I'm the best there is.  Except when a tragedy involving my wife's death that haunts me daily prevents me from focusing on my job, at which point I'm pretty much the worst there is. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT This sounds familiar.  You didn't accidentally bring your Shutter Island script, did you? LEONARDO DICAPRIO Nah, just the main character in a Christopher Nolan movie, so the love of my life is dead. MARION COTILLARD Hello Leonardo, it's me, the mental projection of your wife.  Now I'm going to loosen the rope you use to rappel, tell Ken Watanabe he's dreaming, and shoot your partner.  Suck it, hubby! KEN WATANABE So this is a dream!  I should have known something was up in the other room when I was naked in the middle of Calculus. Everyone WAKES UP. </pre><span id="more-1605"></span><pre> INT. APARTMENT - SOUTH AMERICA KEN, LEONARDO, and JOSEPH all awaken as IRRELEVANT SHIT HAPPENS OUTSIDE. KEN WATANABE I'm back in my mistress's apartment!  I just had the strangest dream!  And you were there!  And you! LEONARDO DICAPRIO Tell us about your secret thingamathing! KEN WATANABE Wait, something's not right.  My mistress has five cats, but this carpet doesn't smell like a fucking zoo.  I'm still dreaming! JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT Yo dawg, I herd you like dreams so we put a dream in oh fuck it, this meme sucks. KEN WATANABE Very impressive.  I'd like you make you an offer. (indecipherable accent) LEONARDO DICAPRIO Clearly the best guy to explain the crucial plot points is the one with the thickest accent.  Maybe we could have a helicopter blaring overhead, too. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT He's saying he needs us to plant an idea in Cillian Murphy's head to destroy his father's business. LEONARDO DICAPRIO Why not just kill the guy?  Is it really that much better to completely brainrape him? KEN WATANABE Assemble an ethnically diverse team of well-dressed men and one woman so that we can all burrow into Cillian's mind and destroy his fortune! JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT Wow, someone wrote Ocean's 14 while tripping balls. KEN WATANABE If you are successful, I will immediately make a phone call that will allow you back into the United States so that you can see your children.  Please ignore the fact that there's no way to know if the plan was a success until months later. LEONARDO DICAPRIO Great!  This will be much easier than just moving my kids to France! INT. SCHOOL LEONARDO goes to visit MICHAEL CAINE. LEONARDO DICAPRIO Michael, I need one of your architecture students for my team.  I'm doing one last heist, and then I'm out forever so I can retire and be with my family. MICHAEL CAINE Very original.  In any case, I've got a very bright student I can recommend.  She'll be perfect as long as you don't mind people saying things like &quot;forshizz&quot; and &quot;homeskillet.&quot; ELLEN PAGE I hear you need me for a mission.  I assume the mission is &quot;be the audience surrogate for the next hour,&quot; right? LEONARDO DICAPRIO Basically.  But first I need to make sure you're ready.  I want you to design a maze in two minutes that takes one minute to solve. ELLEN PAGE What the fuck is that going to prove?  Well let me just blow your mind by drawing... get ready... A MOTHERFUCKING CIRCLE HOLY FUCK. LEONARDO DICAPRIO Darn, you got me! ELLEN PAGE For reals? Just start at the exit, homeskillet. LEONARDO and JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT train ELLEN PAGE. LEONARDO DICAPRIO We use this video game controller in a briefcase to connect everyone's minds together to share a dream.  So obviously it connects to the human body's natural conduit to the mind: your wrist. ELLEN PAGE Where did you get that? JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT Where else do science fiction movies get far-fetched devices without having to explain them in any way?  It's either aliens or the military. ELLEN PAGE Alright.  So do you only have eight hours to perform any heist, since that's how long people sleep? LEONARDO DICAPRIO Modern cognitive science would suggest so, but no.  In the dream world, time moves at 1/Xth time, where X is whatever is convenient for the scene at hand. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT You should make a totem that you'll never actually use for anything.  It was Leonardo's wife's idea to help her recognize a dream. ELLEN PAGE This is the same wife that went crazy and killed herself because she couldn't recognize a dream, right? JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT The very one.  Also, since you're the architect, you can create paradoxes. ELLEN PAGE Why? JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT BECAUSE IT'S COOL, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!? ELLEN PAGE IN THAT CASE, I'M GOING TO FOLD THIS WHOLE CITY LIKE A TACO! LEONARDO recruits TOM HARDY and DILEEP RAO. LEONARDO DICAPRIO Alright everyone, roll call!  Leonardo, with the power to endanger everyone with my personal demons! DILEEP RAO Dileep, with the power to physically hand you sedatives that you could just buy from me! TOM HARDY Tom, with the power to mimic handwriting, which somehow translates into physical metamorphosis inside of a dream! ELLEN PAGE Ellen, with the power to- oh hang on, I just got a call on my hamburger phone. KEN WATANABE Ken, with the power to get mortally wounded in Christopher Nolan movies! JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT And Joseph, with the power to mysteriously prevent audiences from seeing me as the kid on 3rd Rock from the Sun! Everyone enters a DREAM with CILLIAN MURPHY on a PLANE. EXT. CITY THE TEAM finds themselves in a rain-soaked city. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT Dammit Dileep, why didn't you go to the bathroom before this? DILEEP RAO Pee humor, lovely.  Hate to see what happens when the dreamer has to take a huge dump. Suddenly some BAD GUYS and a FUCKING TRAIN show up to make everything more difficult. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT Shit!  He's had his subconscious trained to defend against hostiles!  Obviously what we need to do is kidnap him at gunpoint! ELLEN PAGE You can train your subconscious?  Since there aren't rules here, are we going to have to fight a bunch of Ninja Turtles or giant monkey robots or something? LEONARDO DICAPRIO Nah, it's just guys with guns that can't aim. ELLEN PAGE Oh.  Well what was that train, then? LEONARDO DICAPRIO That was my bad.  It was a manifestation of the guilt I feel from when I convinced my wife to lay down on train tracks and die. ELLEN PAGE ... LEONARDO DICAPRIO I wanted the &quot;Dastardly&quot; achievement, okay? They KIDNAP CILLIAN MURPHY. CILLIAN MURPHY What do you want with me?  Why are you putting a bag over my head?  I'm in a Christopher Nolan movie, aren't I?  Dammit, why does that guy love putting my head in a bag so much? TOM BERENGER They got me too, Cillian!  They want the code to a safe because it contains a will from your father that says to destroy his company! CILLIAN MURPHY Why would they want that?  This makes no sense at all. TOM BERENGER Everything is a dream, so anything that seems ridiculous is simply due to the nature of a dreamscape that otherwise lacks any kind of remotely fantastical elements! CILLIAN MURPHY If there aren't any elements of fantasy, what are you doing in a movie that was actually released in theaters? KEN WATANABE Leo, I've been shot.  If I die, I wake up, right? LEONARDO DICAPRIO Well, that's what we needed to happen for the first scene in the movie.  But now we need people to worry about that happening, so no.  If you die here, your brain is basically turned into creamed corn.  But don't worry, if you die again once your brain is mush then you wake up back in reality. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT Basically, dying is bad whenever we need to increase tension, but it's the only way to escape when we are written into a corner. KEN WATANABE So when we go on these dangerous heist missions, we make sure to bring every kind of specialist possible, including a fucking architect, but no doctor? They connect everyone to another DREAM MACHINE that somehow still works inside a DREAM. INT. HOTEL LEONARDO approaches CILLIAN MURPHY. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT Ah, the Mr. Charles gambit.  It's where Leonardo tells Cillian that he's dreaming.  Normally that would make everyone kill us, but in this case it makes everything awesome. ELLEN PAGE Great, now we're violating the staggeringly small number of rules we actually bothered to establish.  Why'd you even bother teaching me all this shit? Outside, in the CITY, DILEEP RAO drives off a bridge, causing everyone in the hotel to FLOAT. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT There's no gravity in Level 1 right now, and as a result there is no gravity in Level 2! LEONARDO DICAPRIO But even though there's no gravity in Level 2 right now, there will be gravity in Level 3! ELLEN PAGE What?  You guys fail at induction. EXT. SNOW FORTRESS Everyone finds themselves in GOLDENEYE. LEONARDO DICAPRIO We're running out of time!  Ellen, did you make any hidden passageways that Ken and Cillian can use? ELLEN PAGE Of course I did!  Everyone in my school has to take ARCH103: &quot;The Architectural Importance of Man-Sized Air Ducts.&quot; LEONARDO DICAPRIO Great!  Rather than tell Ken and Cillian where those are, you should tell me so that I can tell them, even though I warned you never to tell me the architecture of a level and this rule has absolutely no reason to be violated! She DOES.  MARION COTILLARD shows up and shoots CILLIAN. LEONARDO DICAPRIO Well, that's it.  I guess Cillian will just be trapped in limbo forever.  I'll go ahead and feel no remorse for this.  Boo hoo, I miss my kids. ELLEN PAGE Come on, I'm sure we can solve this using kicks or suicide or totems or going one level deeper or some other random thing we made up! LEONARDO DICAPRIO Going one level deeper might work, but that's the last one.  If we get a stack overflow, the entire movie theater will crash. EXT. CGI-LAND LEONARDO and ELLEN find CILLIAN, but also encounter MARION. MARION COTILLARD Leonardo, stay here with me.  I know I'm just a figment of your imagination, but I'm all you've got. LEONARDO DICAPRIO My entire memory of you is as a vindictive, mean-spirited, violent, self-centered pile of bitch.  Christ, why did it take me the entire movie to stop giving a shit about you? Fuck off. ELLEN PAGE And now that you've finished risking the lives of your only friends in the world for the sake of a little catharsis, we can finish the mission! LEONARDO DICAPRIO You're right!  We've got an innocent person's memories and relationships to completely ruin! LEONARDO, ELLEN, CILLIAN leave.  RETURN; EXT. SNOW FORTRESS CILLIAN enters a BANK VAULT containing his father, PETE POSTLETHWAITE. PETE POSTLETHWAITE Son, I am disappoint. CILLIAN MURPHY Fuck you, dad!  I'm dissolving your company!  Out of love!  Give me a hug! TOM HARDY It worked!  And just in the nick of very very slow time! RETURN; INT. HOTEL RETURN; EXT. CITY RETURN; INT. AIRPORT The plane lands and everyone parts ways. KEN WATANABE Even though I was dead for half of the mission, I'll assume the gang of morally ambiguous thieves I hired finished the job honorably.  I'll magically dissolve the warrants out against you, Leonardo. CILLIAN MURPHY Miraculously, I don't recognize any of you from my dream.  Not even Ken, my primary business rival!  So everything worked out for you guys, now I'm off to set my money on fire to make my dead father proud!  Wait, what? MICHAEL CAINE Leo, somehow I knew to pick you up at the airport!  I'm so happy to see you and also not be playing a butler! Let's get you home. LEONARDO DICAPRIO Great idea, I can get on my computer and post a billion retarded theories about this movie on the internet! HOLLYWOOD desperately tries to write ZERO-GRAVITY FIGHT SCENES into every newly-greenlighted action movie. END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/WB3T1nNJzI2UzSk96rrmmRym6ZU/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/WB3T1nNJzI2UzSk96rrmmRym6ZU/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/WB3T1nNJzI2UzSk96rrmmRym6ZU/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/WB3T1nNJzI2UzSk96rrmmRym6ZU/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=F8T4ilvgyfE:8yCmB3wqjms:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=F8T4ilvgyfE:8yCmB3wqjms:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=F8T4ilvgyfE:8yCmB3wqjms:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=F8T4ilvgyfE:8yCmB3wqjms:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=F8T4ilvgyfE:8yCmB3wqjms:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 79 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1483 2010-08-01T14:45:56Z 2010-07-31T14:00:09Z

<div id="attachment_1587" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 535px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/twilight-eclipse-525x349.jpg" alt="" title="The Twilight Saga: Ecraps" width="525" height="349" class="size-medium wp-image-1587" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Vampirin may not be right for you, consult your physician.</p></div> <p>This script was featured on <a href="http://www.cracked.com">Cracked.com</a>. To read it there, follow <a href="http://www.cracked.com/article_18682_if-eclipse-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html">this link</a>.</p> <p><pre> FADE IN: EXT. A BEAUTIFUL MEADOW KRISTEN STEWART lies among the PURPLE ASTER as ROBERT PATTINSON gently runs his fingers through her OBVIOUS WIG. ROBERT PATTINSON Oh Kristen, I can't believe how in love with you I am. KRISTEN STEWART I can't believe this is the first scene in a movie about vampires and werewolves. I feel like I'm outside of Kensington Palace after Princess Diana died. ROBERT PATTINSON Marry me, Kristen. Where I come from, that's how you show someone you love them. KRISTEN STEWART Where you come from? You're not a fucking time-traveler, you were around for the sexual revolution. It's 2010, I can show you I love you just by giving you an ass pass. ROBERT PATTINSON Why won't you marry me? Is it because you know my career is over after these shitty movies are done? KRISTEN STEWART It's not that. I'm just not ready at 18 to make a decision that will last me the rest of my life. Now, when are you going to turn me into a bloodthirsty immortal vampire? </pre><span id="more-1483"></span><pre> TAYLOR LAUTNER interrupts on his MOTORCYCLE. TAYLOR LAUTNER Kristen, I love you. Pick me instead of Robert and I promise to always stay on the steroids I used to get this ripped. KRISTEN STEWART Didn't we resolve this at the end of the last movie? I picked Robert, he proposed. End of conflict. TAYLOR LAUTNER That was before Stephanie Meyer realized people would read 629 pages of that conflict being re-resolved. Let's make out. Meanwhile... EXT. SEATTLE BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD'S newest vampire, XAVIER SAMUEL, turns a lot of people into VAMPIRES, including JODELLE FERLAND. XAVIER SAMUEL Holy shit, what's a decent vampire film doing being spliced into the rest of this emo shit? JODELLE FERLAND I like being a vampire, but I'm conflicted about it. That gives me depth, put me in a spin-off! BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD Soon, I shall have an army of vampires! Then we can finally kill Wesley Snipes! And afterward, Robert Pattinson's family! XAVIER SAMUEL You're in this? Aren't you normally brought into movie franchises just as they're starting to suck? Like Spider-Man, Terminator, and M. Night Shyamalan's career? BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD I guess the director was hoping I'd have the opposite effect in a franchise that already sucks. XAVIER SAMUEL It's not working. INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S HOUSE KRISTEN STEWART'S GRADUATING CLASS has a party in a DEN OF VAMPIRES. This does not proceed as awesomely as one would hope. ANNA KENDRICK Hey Kristen! Like, ohmigod, what did you think of my graduation speech? KRISTEN STEWART The one where you encouraged a room full of teenagers to go become total fuckups because nobody will hold them accountable for their mistakes while they're young? It was great. ROBERT PATTINSON Congratulations, Kristen. Now you can start thinking about colleges that don't matter since you're going to be a vampire soon. I majored in Basketweaving. NIKKI REED Kirsten, you shouldn't become a vampire. Before I was a vampire, my life was perfect. KRISTEN STEWART Wow, you actually get lines this time, huh? Don't blow it by overacting. Aww, too late. NIKKI REED 100 years ago, I had a crush on this guy. One day he and his four friends got drunk, brutally raped me in the street, and left me for dead. Then I got turned into a vampire and got my revenge. KRISTEN STEWART You and I have wildly different definitions of perfection. TAYLOR LAUTNER I still love you, Kristen, and I still have an 8-pack. I brought you a graduation present, it's a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt. It only comes in XXXXL though, sorry. ASHLEY GREENE You guys, I just got one of my plot-convenient visions of the future. Xavier Samuel and Bryce Dallas Howard are coming here. They'll be here in four days! TAYLOR LAUTNER Four days to get from Seattle to Forks? That's a three-hour drive. ROBERT PATTINSON They're coming for Kristen. We need all of the vampires and all of the wolves to risk being killed to save her. Never forget that the life of one human is worth a hundred werewolves and vampires. PETER FACINELLI Astonishingly, I agree. Taylor, tell your family to meet us in the woods so Jackson Rathbone can teach you how to be Scruffy The Vampire Slayer. KRISTEN STEWART Wait guys, we're in serious danger of this movie becoming interesting. Is there any way that this fighting could happen offscreen while Robert, Taylor and I pout about our feelings in the mountains? JACKSON RATHBONE I think thassa peachy-keen idea, Krist'n. Oh look, I suddenly have a Texan accent, y'all! EXT. MOUNTAINS KRISTEN and ROBERT sit together in a TENT while UNDERWORLD 4 happens 1,000 feet below them. KRISTEN STEWART Just a little while ago I told my dad I was a virgin. He was relieved, but he's totally super lame, so I figured I'd immediately have sex with you, what do you think? ROBERT PATTINSON Sounds good. Wait, that doesn't involve vaginas, does it? I really hate those things. KRISTEN STEWART Robert, I think I'm freezing to death. I can't believe none of us thought to stop by a sporting goods store on our way to the snow-covered mountains to pick up a decent mummy bag. ROBERT PATTINSON Mummies?! Where?! I knew Stephanie Meyer couldn't be done fucking up monsters! TAYLOR LAUTNER It's alright Kristen, I'll just climb in and keep you warm while Robert watches. Audience members may want to take notes for later use in their fanfiction. KRISTEN STEWART Thanks, I feel better. (pause) Um, Taylor? TAYLOR LAUTNER That's my, er, tribal, uh, wand. Gotta keep it in my front pants pocket. Werewolf stuff. Suddenly, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD shows up. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD At last, I can kill some random girl that I'm obsessed with for some reason! ROBERT PATTINSON Nobody scowls at my future wife except me! Fight me, Bryce! TAYLOR LAUTNER Future wife? You're marrying him? Despite being rejected for the entire movie, I didn't see this coming! Fuck this! KRISTEN STEWART Taylor! Stay! TAYLOR LAUTNER Is that a dog joke? KRISTEN STEWART Listen, I do love you. I just love Robert more. And I love the idea of being a vampire the most! TAYLOR LAUTNER This makes me so angry that I'm going to go fight to protect you! He joins his PACK. ROBERT confronts BRYCE. ROBERT PATTINSON The audience is having trouble continuing to accept that an entire family of vampires is helpless against one measly redheaded vampire chick. This needs to end, Bryce! BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD I don't think so. They wouldn't bother recasting me just to have me in two scenes and then die! (decapitated) KRISTEN STEWART Robert, we have to go make sure Taylor didn't get hurt, which he almost certainly did since Stephanie Meyer's magical typewriter can only produce cliches! KRISTEN and ROBERT arrive at the BATTLE just as it's ending. ROBERT PATTINSON God, the last movie made 300 million dollars, how can the wolf effects still look this bad? KRISTEN STEWART Because the movie is going to make the exact same amount of money regardless of how they look. We're lucky they aren't drawn with permanent marker on the film reel. TAYLOR LAUTNER IN DOG FORM is suddenly attacked by ONE LAST VAMPIRE and injured. TAYLOR LAUTNER Arrgggh I didn't see this coming, either! PETER FACINELLI The Volturi are coming. You need to get out of here, Dakota Fanning is more of a cat person. TAYLOR'S FAMILY takes him home. PETER FACINELLI Seriously, where do their pants come from? Did they just keep a huge pile of pants behind a rock during the fight? DAKOTA FANNING Looks like I'm too late. Just wanted to remind everyone that, even though Bryce is dead, this franchise still has something slightly resembling an antagonist. ROBERT PATTINSON So I guess you're the one we'll have to defeat in the fourth movie, then? As long as Denzel Washington isn't on guard detail, I think we can take you. DAKOTA FANNING Oh, you didn't hear? The last book has been split into two movies, so there's two left. MALES IN AUDIENCE MOTHERFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/hwVT5BQMrVBaLtEdzc22lsHRNOk/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/hwVT5BQMrVBaLtEdzc22lsHRNOk/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/hwVT5BQMrVBaLtEdzc22lsHRNOk/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/hwVT5BQMrVBaLtEdzc22lsHRNOk/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=ObOtsSDe-i0:OvD99qBNIv4:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=ObOtsSDe-i0:OvD99qBNIv4:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=ObOtsSDe-i0:OvD99qBNIv4:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=ObOtsSDe-i0:OvD99qBNIv4:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=ObOtsSDe-i0:OvD99qBNIv4:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 31 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1481 2010-08-03T14:54:40Z 2010-07-20T13:30:23Z

<div id="attachment_1509" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 535px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/a-team-525x347.jpg" alt="" title="The A-Scream" width="525" height="347" class="size-medium wp-image-1509" /><p class="wp-caption-text">&quot;Why are you casting magic missile, there's nothing to attack here!&quot;</p></div> <p><pre> FADE IN: EXT. MEXICO QUENTIN JACKSON is driving a SOCCER MOM'S VAN down a random desert road.  Suddenly, he is accosted by LIAM NEESON. QUENTIN JACKSON Leave me alone, I swear I didn't kidnap your daughter, foo! LIAM NEESON Listen, my plan requires a black guy with a mohawk, do you plan on helping me with my plan? QUENTIN JACKSON Foo, I tried to grow a mohawk but it came out looking like this! LIAM NEESON It's good enough, you make up for it with the maze of pubic hair all over your face.  Plan, ho! They rescue BRADLEY COOPER as he makes SARCASTIC QUIPS about FUCKING EVERYTHING.  They then make their way to a hospital. </pre><span id="more-1481"></span><pre> LIAM NEESON The next phase of my plan needs a pilot.  I plan to find one here. SHARLTO COPLEY Well, I'm a pilot, but you should also know I once used a defibrillator on a car. LIAM NEESON Har har, sounds like you're my kind of guy! SHARLTO COPLEY Um, a retard? LIAM, QUENTIN, BRADLEY, and SHARLTO take a HELICOPTER and FUCK the LAWS OF PHYSICS in the ASS for a bit.  BAD GUYS get killed. BRADLEY COOPER So now that we're all together, we should probably spend some time developing our characters rather than jumping straight to the next action- EXT. IRAQ - 8 YEARS LATER BRADLEY COOPER Oh come on! 8 years?! JESSICA BIEL approaches them. JESSICA BIEL Nice to see you again, Bradley.  Since we're the two most attractive members of the cast, naturally we have a sexual history. BRADLEY COOPER Naturally.  And now you outrank me, a fact that I will ignore as I completely fail to salute you or show you even a modicum of respect. JESSICA BIEL Listen, we're in the final days of the American withdrawal from Iraq and- BRADLEY COOPER The what?  When the hell does this movie take place?  Where's my flying car and sex robot? JESSICA BIEL Anyway, I need you and your team to stay the hell out of Bagdhad.  And especially don't try and steal back engraving plates if someone asks you to within the next ten seconds! Meanwhile, PATRICK WILSON talks to LIAM NEESON. PATRICK WILSON Liam, the CIA needs your help.  Some of Saddam Hussein's former men have engraving plates for American currency that they stole.  They plan on using them to print billions of dollars in unbacked American currency. LIAM NEESON Oh no, the worst thing American currency can be is unbacked!  I plan to retrieve them for you! LIAM and his TEAM prepare to steal the PLATES. LIAM NEESON Alright, here's the plan I've planned.  Quentin, you blow a bunch of shit up.  Sharlto, you yell a bunch of crazy shit while blowing other stuff up.  Bradley, you try to stick your wang in everything with a vagina. They follow the PLAN and get back the plates. LIAM NEESON Ah, I love it when a plan plans together!  Wait, the plan planfired! Suddenly, the WRONG THINGS EXPLODE, which makes LIAM, QUENTIN, BRADLEY, and SHARLTO look like CRIMINALS so they go to PRISON while BRIAN BLOOM gets the PLATES. JESSICA BIEL Bradley, even though I've known you intimately for years, I completely believe that you would have murdered a military general and attempted to start a counterfeiting ring.  Enjoy prison, asshole! BRADLEY COOPER Is this because I gave you herpes? QUENTIN JACKSON Prison has softened me, I'm giving up violence and taking a vow of only eating balls, foo! SHARLTO COPLEY Don't tell Patrick Wilson, it's a sensitive subject. Everyone BREAKS OUT of PRISON in INCREASINGLY IDIOTIC WAYS. QUENTIN JACKSON What now, foos? BRADLEY COOPER Well, the audience is expecting one over-the-top action scene after another, so we just need to come up with something completely ridiculous in order to trick them into thinking their depressingly low expectations were met. LIAM NEESON I've got a plan!  According to the script, we're going to drive a tank in the air by shooting parallel to the ground. SHARLTO COPLEY You guys got a script?  I just got an index card that says &quot;be a wanker.&quot;  Aardvarks lick fluffy jellybeans! Zoobadoobadoobadooby! LIAM and CREW steal the engraving plates back from BRIAN BLOOM.  LIAM calls PATRICK WILSON. LIAM NEESON Patrick, my plan worked, I got the plates back.  When do you plan to come pick them up? PATRICK WILSON Actually I'm going to double-cross you while making references to Call of Duty and saying words like &quot;awesome&quot; so that the 14-year-old audience considers me cool enough to be a worthy villain. BRADLEY COOPER What?  You're like twenty seconds away from getting the plates and you're going to try and kill us?  What kind of plan is that?! PATRICK WILSON LOL YOU JUST GOT PWND NOOBFAG! Amazingly, the super-capable ex-military team that defeated an army of Iraqis and effortlessly escaped from prison survives PATRICK'S half-assed bombing attempt. EXT. CONTAINER PORT LIAM, BRADLEY, QUENTIN, and SHARLTO try to hatch a PLAN. LIAM NEESON Patrick Wilson and his team will be here any minute for those plates.  We need to plan a plan, fast! BRADLEY COOPER Alright.  We'll set off a series of fireworks, blow up a bunch of containers, and flip a handful of sports cars. QUENTIN JACKSON You think that'll distract Patrick long enough, foo? BRADLEY COOPER Patrick?  I'm just trying to keep the audience distracted enough to stop texting each other for ten goddamn minutes. Lots of SHIT gets BLOWN THE FUCK UP.  PATRICK is captured by JESSICA BIEL. JESSICA BIEL Sorry guys, but you're still under arrest for escaping from the prisons where you were serving time for the charges that have now been dropped. BRADLEY COOPER It's okay, I have the key to our handcuffs in between my brilliantly whitened teeth! LIAM NEESON Ha! I plan it when plan plan plans planplanther! SHARLTO COPLEY (drools) QUENTIN JACKSON Treat your mother right, foo! NARRATOR Still wasted by the studio, they survive as soldiers of nostalgia. If you have ten bucks, And Inception still isn't out yet, And if you can sit through it, Maybe you can tolerate... THE A-TEAM! END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/bJhLHd_l3vVb45s-4TxzkkfqeI0/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/bJhLHd_l3vVb45s-4TxzkkfqeI0/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/bJhLHd_l3vVb45s-4TxzkkfqeI0/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/bJhLHd_l3vVb45s-4TxzkkfqeI0/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=YGiAXRCH6Lw:Wqmitcc0fIc:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=YGiAXRCH6Lw:Wqmitcc0fIc:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=YGiAXRCH6Lw:Wqmitcc0fIc:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=YGiAXRCH6Lw:Wqmitcc0fIc:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=YGiAXRCH6Lw:Wqmitcc0fIc:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 25 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1472 2010-07-06T17:31:13Z 2010-07-06T13:00:07Z

<div id="attachment_1452" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 535px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/satc2-525x350.jpg" alt="&quot;Exit light, enter night! Take my hand, off to never-never laaaaaaaaaaaaaand!&quot;" title="Sex and the Shitty 2" width="525" height="350" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1489" /><p class="wp-caption-text">&quot;Exit light, enter night! Take my hand, off to never-never laaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!&quot;</p></div> <p><pre> FADE IN: INT. OVER-THE-TOP WEDDING SARAH JESSICA PARKER, KRISTIN DAVIS, CYNTHIA NIXON, and KIM CATTRALL attend the wedding of WILLIE GARSON and MARIO CANTONE. SARAH JESSICA PARKER Wow, this wedding could only be gayer if the groomsmen were all fisting each other.  I will ruminate on this introspectively and eventually use it to comment on how difficult it is to find a partner in New York. KRISTIN DAVIS Well I think it's nice!  Weddings are just super-swell! CYNTHIA NIXON I'M TOO BUSY LAWYERING TO ENJOY THIS WEDDING! LAWYERING THE LAW IS A LOT OF WORK! CAREER! KIM CATTRALL If I don't gargle some balls in the next ten seconds I'm going to shove this wine bottle in my ass. </pre><span id="more-1472"></span><pre> Suddenly, LIZA MINNELLI appears! KIM CATTRALL Holy shit, Liza Minnelli!  What's she doing here, besides confusing the audience members who have no idea who she is? CYNTHIA NIXON When a wedding is this gay, Liza Minnelli just materializes, ha ha! KRISTIN DAVIS I know you delivered that line sarcastically, but that appears to be the actual explanation. LIZA MINNELLI Someone told me that a show that's been off the air for over 4 years was being made into a movie, so I showed up.  I'm guessing that the total lack of funny jokes means that this isn't the Arrested Development movie after all? LIZA officiates the wedding, blissfully ending the scene but unfortunately bringing on the next one. LIZA MINNELLI Alright, do you take the broom?  Broom?  Is that a combination of bride and groom?  Seriously, this shit passes for jokes over here? WILLIE GARSON No, the joke is that critically acclaimed singer and actress Liza Minnelli is going to sing &quot;All the Single Ladies&quot; for four dignity-shredding minutes. KANYE WEST Yo Willie, Imma let you finish, but Ron Paul had the most embarassing movie cameo of all time! Of all time! (shrug) INT. RESTAURANT SARAH, CYNTHIA, KRISTIN, and KIM all sit at a posh country club table. SARAH JESSICA PARKER Alright gals, time for us to complain about everything while sitting around a dining table and not actually eating! I'll start! My husband likes watching TV in our home, which makes it difficult for me to go out clubbing and pretend I'm not forty-five years old. CYNTHIA NIXON I hate my boss because he's an unrealistic caricature of every boss that the audience members have ever assumed hated them because they have vaginas. KRISTIN DAVIS My nanny has larger breasts than me, which makes my brain completely stop working! KIM CATTRALL I'm on a shitload of drugs to keep my pussy from drying out.  Oh, by the way, I'm visiting Abu Dhabi for a week and I want you all to come with me because one writer dared another to set this movie in the middle east. INT. SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S HOME CHRIS NOTH comes home and sits on his couch to watch shows that are vastly superior to SEX AND THE CITY. SARAH JESSICA PARKER I'm super pissed that you bought me a high-definition television and installed it in our bedroom.  We shouldn't need TV because it should be enough for us to have delightful conversations like this one. MR. NOTH Are you seriously complaining that I bought you an expensive TV? SARAH JESSICA PARKER Furthermore, I noticed you have brought home dinner.  This offends me because I want to eat the same meal, but outside of our home and wearing a new dress that I bought.  Also, get your feet off the couch.  I don't even want you sitting on it, let alone relaxing on it. MR. NOTH Are you really supposed to be the sympathetic protagonist?  The kind of decadence that defines your character may have been tolerable in the late nineties, but we're in a recession now! SARAH JESSICA PARKER That's it, I'm going to spend the next two days writing an article in my old apartment. MR. NOTH WE HAVE TWO APARTMENTS?! SARAH writes an article titled &quot;The Terrible Two's&quot; despite the fact that she's allegedly a professional writer and would seemingly understand how to use apostrophes. Meanwhile, KIM fills her cunt while CYNTHIA is one.  KRISTIN calls SARAH. KRISTIN DAVIS I have to get out of this house!  I somehow managed to just ruin a vintage, one-of-a-kind designer dress I was wearing while making cupcakes in the kitchen with my baby while my toddler was finger-painting. SARAH JESSICA PARKER Oh, you poor thing!  That's right, nobody in this movie is going to tell you what a fuckup you are.  Pretty sure it's because the writers don't know.  Sounds like we should go with Kim to Abu Dhabi! SARAH returns home to talk to CHRIS. SARAH JESSICA PARKER Boy was I glad to be away from you for two days.  So much for &quot;can't-live-without-each-other love,&quot; eh? MR. NOTH Hey, I was thinking, what if I spend two days a week at your old apartment? SARAH JESSICA PARKER (incensed) What?  Is this because I'm a nag?! MR. NOTH Your equine resemblance has nothing to do with this!  I just figured you could use a couple days a week wearing ridiculous-looking outfits with your girlfriends! SARAH JESSICA PARKER Listen, I know I just spent two days away, but I was planning on doing that every couple months or so!  You're talking about increasing the frequency slightly!  That's insane!  We're married, I don't want to do things without you any more! (pause) By the way, I'm going to Abu Dhabi for a week.  Without you. INT. ABU DHABI HOTEL SARAH, CYNTHIA, KRISTIN, and KIM all arrive at a swanky hotel where they are greeted by the HOTEL MANAGER as well as an OVERUSAGE OF CHIMES. HOTEL MANAGER Welcome to Abi Dhabi!  Your rooms are upstairs, you will find they include a complementary small gray kitten.  Our country has been getting one in the mail about every week for 32 years. KRISTIN DAVIS Oh, this is so lovely, but I'm still obsessing over my husband oogling the nanny's tits so I can't even enjoy it! KIM CATTRALL I'm not allowed to take my vagina drugs here!  There's something worth complaining about in every country! HOTEL MANAGER Well, we've gotten each of you a private limo even though you will always be traveling together. SARAH JESSICA PARKER Four completely separate gas-guzzling limousines driving us through one of the most oil-rich regions of the world while BP leaks over 50,000 barrels of oil per day into the Gulf of Mexico back home?  Why are we still standing here, drive us to the furthest Saks Fifth Avenue! SARAH, KRISTIN, CYNTHIA, and KIM buy candles and shoes and shit. KIM CATTRALL Thanks for coming along, girls!  I'd never want to go anywhere without my bestest friends in the whole world!  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try and get some strangers to spunk all over me. SARAH JESSICA PARKER And I ran into my old boyfriend, John Corbett, so I'm going to dinner with him.  See ya! CYNTHIA NIXON That's cool, Kristin and I will hang out and get completely hammered but still manage to complain incessantly! KRISTIN DAVIS Raising kids is so difficult!  If I didn't have my vast wealth and a nanny, I'd probably just kill myself or something! CYNTHIA NIXON Totally understandable! SARAH comes back, visibly upset. SARAH JESSICA PARKER You guys, I just kissed John Corbett!  I tried to give him a kiss on the cheek but I got distracted by his enormous forehead and missed! KIM storms in as well. KIM CATTRALL That's not all!  I was brushing my teeth with some guy's dick and now the Abu Dhabi morality police are after me! SARAH JESSICA PARKER Oh, now I get it.  We had to set the movie in the Middle East because it's the only place left where we can pretend that being sexually liberated in 2010 is groundbreaking. CYNTHIA NIXON We need to make the next flight back home or we'll have to fly back in coach! KRISTIN DAVIS Har har, the central conflict of the film's climax isn't really going to be that we might have to fly back in coach, right?  Guys? Right? SARAH, KRISTIN, CYNTHIA, and KIM evade the police and eventually take shelter with a group of LOCAL WOMEN, who lift their abayas to reveal a bunch of DESIGNER BULLSHIT that the audience creams their panties over. SARAH JESSICA PARKER Look at that, underneath the getups, Arabian women are just as empty and materialistic as we are! KRISTIN DAVIS It's so great that it turns out the lives of these women aren't actually the horrible thing everyone thinks, but a completely different horrible thing entirely! Everyone makes it to the plane and flies home FIRST CLASS, THANK GOD. INT. SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S APARTMENT SARAH talks to CHRIS NOTH. SARAH JESSICA PARKER Listen, when I was in Abu Dhabi I managed to run into an ex-boyfriend. MR. NOTH That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard.  Writers are willing to attach their names to this crap? SARAH JESSICA PARKER I'm not done.  He and I kissed.  You forgive me, right?  Before you answer, remember that the audience loves me no matter how shallow, whiny, or obnoxious I am because I have a great sense of style. MR. NOTH I forgive you.  I'm just glad you could be honest with me.  Whoops, penis fell off. END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/5sNR6LrHVAf-VAUMKOa3q4St_WA/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/5sNR6LrHVAf-VAUMKOa3q4St_WA/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/5sNR6LrHVAf-VAUMKOa3q4St_WA/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/5sNR6LrHVAf-VAUMKOa3q4St_WA/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=gDFjl_EBA24:KMe_neoNdl4:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=gDFjl_EBA24:KMe_neoNdl4:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=gDFjl_EBA24:KMe_neoNdl4:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=gDFjl_EBA24:KMe_neoNdl4:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=gDFjl_EBA24:KMe_neoNdl4:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 48 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1329 2010-06-29T16:04:09Z 2010-06-01T13:00:53Z

<div id="attachment_1451" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 535px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/ironman2-525x295.jpg" alt="Superheroism is nice, but Tony Stark&#039;s real dream has always been a Tiger Beat cover." title="Iron Bland 2" width="525" height="295" class="size-medium wp-image-1451" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Superheroism is nice, but Tony Stark's real dream has always been a Tiger Beat cover.</p></div> <p><pre> FADE IN: EXT. DOWNEY JR. EXPO - FLUSHING, NY ROBERT DOWNEY JR. jumps out of an airplane without talking to GWYNETH PALTROW, deleting everyone's favorite scene from the trailer.  He lands on stage at his company's exhibition. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (cocky) Good evening, film extras!  As you know, this is where I show off cool new technology from my company as well as establish the fact that my entire character arc from the last film has been rewound back to when I started as an arrogant, selfish ass! GWYNETH PALTROW Robert, in between my incessant nagging I need to tell you that you've been subpoenaed to appear on the Larry Sanders show. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. I respond with confident sarcasm. I'll fly to Washington just after a superfluous cameo by Larry Ellison. LARRY ELLISON That's right assholes, I plastered my bullshit all over the Java API and now I'm in your comic book movies too!  BOW BEFORE THE ALL-POWERFUL ORACLE! </pre><span id="more-1329"></span><pre> INT. SENATE HEARING - WASHINGTON, D.C. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. behaves like a child in front of a bunch of SENATORS. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. After the success of the first film's scenes of press conferences and financial analysis programs, I'm glad to see we upped the ante with corporate exhibitions and senate hearings. GARRY SHANDLING Robert, the United States government cannot allow a single person to possess a weapon of mass destruction!  Turn the weapon over to us so that we can use it to totally not torture suspected terrorists! GWYNETH PALTROW I'm confused, are we rooting for the suit to be in the hands of the military-industrial complex or the unstable douchebag billionaire alcoholic? Suddenly, DON CHEADLE and SAM ROCKWELL enter. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Oh look, my friend Don Cheadle that I've been friends with for years and is in no way a replacement for another actor!  And Sam Rockwell, who seems to be taking his character's name &quot;Hammer&quot; extremely literally. SAM ROCKWELL Hey everyone, I'm a total jerkhole like Robert, but I didn't build a giant robot suit so that makes me suck balls.  Excuse me while I push my glasses up, snort. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Look, the fact of the matter is that I'm totally super cool, illustrated by me using my iPhone to hack into a television that nobody can seem to turn off.  Thus, I should get to keep the suit. Bye. EXT. GRAND PRIX - MONACO ROBERT goes to the GRAND PRIX.  Characters all talk over each other, which passes for CLEVER DIALOGUE.  ROBERT hops into a RACECAR and drives around but suddenly MICKEY ROURKE shows up with LIGHTSABER WHIPS and slices a bunch of cars in half. MICKEY ROURKE I am here to be adversary, Robert!  I am serious Oscar-vinning actor now, so I actually vent to Russian prison to research role! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Where you discovered Russian prisoners have Russian accents and tattoos.  Now that's living the craft. JON FAVREAU and GWYNETH PALTROW show up and ram MICKEY into a wall with their car.  They throw ROBERT an IRON MAN SUITCASE which allows ROBERT to sell a slightly different ACTION FIGURE. GWYNETH PALTROW How the hell does that thing not weigh like a billion pounds? JON FAVREAU Oh no, Mickey Rourke has survived being slammed into a wall with a car!  Four times!  Geeze, what moron directed this? IRON ROBERT and MICKEY ROURKE fight for a bit. MICKEY ROURKE Vodka communism ice hockey!  How do vhips slice right through cars but just mildly annoy iron suit? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. That's almost as good a question as why your face doesn't completely explode when I punch you in it with my big iron man fist. (punch) MICKEY is beaten and taken to JAIL, but he escapes and meets with SAM ROCKWELL. SAM ROCKWELL Hi Mickey, I like the way that you dislike Robert, so I think we could work together even though doing so makes me a full-fledged criminal. MICKEY ROURKE I can help you.  As you can see, I'm very muscular. SAM ROCKWELL Yeah, I can see that, so we... MICKEY ROURKE And a physicist. SAM ROCKWELL Ha ha, well that's pretty unbeliev- MICKEY ROURKE And a computer hacker. SAM ROCKWELL Dude, what? SAM allows insane, vengeful MICKEY ROURKE to completely take over the design and control of his ARMY OF KILLER ROBOTS. SAM ROCKWELL I don't see how this could possibly go wrong. Meanwhile... INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR'S MANSION ROBERT DOWNEY JR is boxing with JON FAVREAU.  SCARLETT JOHANSSON enters. GWYNETH PALTROW Robert, since you made me CEO of your company, I need you to sign some paperwork.  Scarlett Johansson is here from the legal department. Also, she has boobs, now presented in IMAX. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. We should pull up some pictures from her stint as a lingerie model.  This is pathetic pandering, but the drooling nerds in the audience won't notice. SCARLETT briefly boxes with JON FAVREAU and KICKS HIS ASS SUPER-SEXYLIKE! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Holy shit, nice moves!  It's almost like you're a secret undercover agent, but if that were true it would be fucking idiotic of you to blow your cover just to avoid getting your pride hurt by my limo driver, so I guess not! SCARLETT JOHNANSSON Listen, I have to be in a YouTube commenter's masturbation fantasy in about 5 minutes so if we could hurry this along... ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Fair enough.  Hypothetically speaking, if it was your birthday and you were wearing a metal robot suit that was slowly poisioning you, what would you do? SCARLETT JOHNANSSEN I suppose I'd do whatever I wanted.  Like maybe getting piss-drunk while wearing the most dangerous weapon in the world and still managing to be likeable somehow. He DOES. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Welcome to the most terrifying birthday party ever imagined, everyone!  Now I'm going to blow up some big glass bottles, showering all of you with deadly broken glass! ASPIRING ACTRESSES WOO, SPRING BREAK! DON CHEADLE shows up.  Seeing ROBERT drunk, he goes downstairs and becomes LESS COLORFUL IRON MAN. DON CHEADLE That's enough, Robert!  I've somehow already figured out how to work the suit, so I'm ready to fight you, even if our fight would have special effects astonishingly inferior to the first film's! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. How the hell do you plan on getting out of that thing?  I have a bunch of giant robot arms help me. DON and ROBERT, wearing suits that make them invincible, FIGHT.  Eventually DON leaves and gets SAM ROCKWELL to attach a bunch of EXTRA PHALLIC SYMBOLS to his BIG METAL DICK. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON approaches ROBERT. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Nice to see you again, Robert.  This time I'm an essential character and a major part of what is barely passing for a storyline. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. What about the people who didn't stay past the credits for the last movie?  For them, this is just suddenly introducing a black pirate out of nowhere. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Then I'll point you in the direction of the film's climax and leave.  You see, Mickey Rourke hates you because his dad used to work with your dad.  But while your dad had noble goals of progress, Rourke's dad wanted to make a profit. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Well progress is nice, but it's hard to fault an inventor for wanting to make money off his work. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON So naturally your dad fired the guy, used their invention to become a multi-millionaire himself, and had him deported back to Russia where he died in poverty.  Now his son wants revenge. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. I see.  And we're sure he's the bad guy and not me, right? SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Of course.  He has a Russian accent, whereas you make sarcastic quips.  In any case, I know your suit is killing you.  Your dad hid a secret message inside of a train model that could help.  Your dad hated safe deposit boxes.  Called them &quot;devil Jew boxes.&quot;  Maybe I should stop telling you stuff about your dad. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Thanks, I'll go get that model from Gwyneth Paltrow's office after talking to her in front of an executive desk toy that generates continuity errors. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Good luck.  And remember, I've got my eye on you. (pause) Eh? Eh? (pause) Because of the eyepatch. ROBERT retreats to his GENIUS BASEMENT to invent his way out of the movie's central problem. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Alright, I'm going to just move my arms randomly while walking around this room and you guys can animate a whole bunch of crap happening as if I was making it do that. (wild gesticulation) Eureka!  My dad discovered an element with more electrons than other elements, which means it's a new element!  That's how chemistry works, and now that I'm aware of it I can start using it right away! EXT. ROCKWELL EXPO - FLUSHING, NY SAM ROCKWELL shows off his ROBOT ARMY and DON CHEADLE. SAM ROCKWELL Now for sale, robots for the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines!  And each one is painted to resemble their respective military branches, isn't that adorable? DON CHEADLE Hey, I don't have control of my suit!  Mickey Rourke has hacked into my mainframe router traceroute algorithm IP address visual basic! The DEADLY, WEAPONIZED ROBOTS go HAYWIRE. SAM ROCKWELL Fuck, why the hell did I give them live ammunition for a trade show? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. shows up and FIGHTS SOME ROBOTS. Meanwhile, SCARLETT JOHNANSSON hurries to save the city from MICKEY ROURKE but first takes some time to change into a SEXY BLACK CATSUIT. SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.C.) Robert, I tracked down the computer Mickey was using to control his robot army.  He's gone. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. I suppose that without an operator, these robots will have to stop fighting me, right? SCARLETT JOHANSSON (O.C.) Somehow, nope!  Good luck, Robert, I need to go fight a bunch of guys while being painfully self-aware of the fact that I'm in a comic book movie.  I'll do a sexy pose after every punch, which would be embarrassing if not for the fact that the internet loves me and forgives even my worst performances. DON CHEADLE I have control of my suit now, Robert!  Let's take these robots out while utterly failing to give the audience even the slightest sense that we are in danger! They fight ROBOTS together, discussing strategy and engaging in CAMARADERIE. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Oh wait, let me just use this thing that instantly kills all of the bad guys. (wins) MICKEY ROURKE shows up in ANOTHER IRON MAN SUIT. MICKEY ROURKE Snow potatoes Red Square fur coats!  I must break you, Robert! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. What a surprise, the bad guy has decided to confront me while wearing a giant robot suit.  If there's one thing the audience is hungry for after two movies, it's more scenes of me fighting an endless stream of metal guys. DON shoots a SUPER SPECIAL BULLET at MICKEY, which FAILS. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Sam Rockwell Tech, eh? DON CHEADLE Yeah, it was.  And so are the fifty guns I've got attached to my suit that are working fine and helped us fight an army of robots ten seconds ago.  Pompous ass. ROBERT and DON shoot ROURKE and he EXPLODES. MICKEY ROURKE Beets Rubles ushankas KGB! You vill pay for this, Robert! (dies) DON CHEADLE Jesus, Iron Man villains suck so bad.  Why can't we just bite the bullet and introduce Mandarin? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. The guy with the magical rings?  No way, Jon Favreau wants to keep these movies grounded in reality. DON CHEADLE The same Jon Favreau whose movie features a scene after the credits in which an eyepatch-wearing superspy in charge of a secret government organization of superheroes discovers the magical hammer of the thunder god of Norse mythology, right? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Dude.  Spoiler alert. DON CHEADLE Sorry.  Spoilers, everyone: Thor sucks. END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/PeFOgCR5eq40_8SaavQhSgwezk4/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/PeFOgCR5eq40_8SaavQhSgwezk4/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/PeFOgCR5eq40_8SaavQhSgwezk4/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/PeFOgCR5eq40_8SaavQhSgwezk4/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=P90ZWdQzjbU:n7NTLMojqVM:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=P90ZWdQzjbU:n7NTLMojqVM:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=P90ZWdQzjbU:n7NTLMojqVM:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=P90ZWdQzjbU:n7NTLMojqVM:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=P90ZWdQzjbU:n7NTLMojqVM:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 24 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1328 2010-05-04T16:22:41Z 2010-05-04T12:00:55Z

<div id="attachment_1430" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 510px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/clash_of_the_titans-525x219.jpg" alt="Perseus shows off his new &quot;Flashlight for iPhone&quot; app, rejected by Apple." title="Crap of the Titans" width="525" height="219" class="size-medium wp-image-1430" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Perseus shows off his new &quot;Flashlight for iPhone&quot; app, rejected by Apple.</p></div> <div style="border: 1px dotted #888; background-color: #ddd; margin: 1em;"> <p style="text-align: center">If you are having trouble viewing this script in 3D, click here:<br /> <input type="button" value="Toggle" onClick="javascript:toggle3D();" /></p> </div> <div class="threed"> <p><pre> FADE IN: EXT. FISHING BOAT SAM WORTHINGTON, hilariously trying to pass for 23 years old, accompanies his adoptive father PETE POSTLETHWAITE and his family on a fishing trip. PETE POSTLETHWAITE I'm not sure why I brought my entire family on this fishing trip, but I'm glad I did!  This is great! SAM WORTHINGTON I sure hope Voldemort doesn't show up and ruin my life to start me on a 90-minute quest for revenge! On a cliff above, people knock over a GIANT STATUE, leaving only its FEET, so a monster made of BLACK SMOKE arrives and kills them all. SAM WORTHINGTON Huh.  That explains the broken statue I guess, but not the whole thing about four toes.  And where's Locke?  I'm starting to think this show isn't going anywhere. The BLACK SMOKE thing turns into RALPH FIENNES. SAM WORTHINGTON Holy shit, Rob Zombie!  Should I cover my ears or my eyes?  Are you here to make shitty music or direct shitty movies? </pre><span id="more-1328"></span><pre> RALPH FIENNES Insolent fool!  I am the brother of your creator-god, Liam Neeson!  I was banished to the underworld but apparently I can leave whenever I want and kill people who fuck with my brother's statues. RALPH destroys PETE POSTLETHWAITE'S BOAT, killing SAM'S FAMILY.  SAM swims to shore at ARGOS. Meanwhile, in OLYMPUS... EXT. OLYMPUS LIAM NEESON in his SUIT OF TINFOIL is sitting around with other GODS.  RALPH FIENNES enters. LIAM NEESON I am so furious!  These humans keep drawing caricatures of me!  If there's one thing religious icons hate, it's depiction! RALPH FIENNES Liam, allow me to attack their city.  This will make them fear and worship us again!  Not even an army of pedophiles will keep them from going to the temples! LIAM NEESON Fine, do whatever you want.  Christ, how did you and I go from Schindler's List to this piece of shit? INT. ARGOS SAM is brought before KING VINCENT REGAN and PRINCESS ALEXA DAVALOS. KING VINCENT REGAN The time of gods is over!  It is now the time of men!  Either way, not women, amirite? RALPH FIENNES shows up again. RALPH FIENNES Sorry to break up your atheist convention, folks.  Just wanted to let you know that in 10 days, I am going to unleash the Kraken, and not that bullshit Pirates of the Caribbean Kraken either.  The Kraken's hunger can only be satisfied by the sacrifice of Alexa Davalos!  Oh, and like six boxes of throat lozenges.  You need to sacrifice those too. KING VINCENT REGAN The Kraken is Norse mythology, not Greco-Roman!  You gods have gone mad!  What's next, Djinn? RALPH leaves.  MADS MIKKELSEN and ALEXA DAVALOS approach SAM. ALEXA DAVALOS We should go ahead and sacrifice me.  I don't really matter in this version of the movie, I've only got like five lines.  I don't think I'm even Sam's love interest anymore. If we kill me now, nobody will have to sit through this crap. MADS MIKKELSEN Sam, is it true that you are a demi-god? SAM WORTHINGTON Wait, what?  Did I miss a scene?  When did that get revealed? GEMMA ARTERTON It's true, Sam.  I am also a demi-god, and I've been watching over you all of your life.  Except when your entire family was killed, my bad.  Anyway, you're the child of Liam Neeson and a queen.  When the king found out, he grew angry with rage and sent you both out to sea in a box, at which point your mother's hair changed color. SAM WORTHINGTON I am the bastard child of Liam Neeson?  Sweet deal if I ever get kidnapped in Paris, but otherwise this sucks pretty bad. MADS MIKKELSEN If you are a demi-god, you can kill the Kraken, which will then let you kill Ralph Fiennes!  Of course there will probably be a few other levels before you do that.  Maybe about 10-20 hours for the single player campaign. GEMMA ARTERTON Sounds good.  Do we want to all settle on what type of accent we're going to be doing before we go?  No?  Just keep speaking English in a random assortment of accents? SAM WORTHINGTON Hey look, here's a mechanical owl because fans of the original film need us to tickle their balls for some reason! EXT. WOODS They travel into the woods along with VARIOUS BEARDED TOUGH GUYS.  The woods quickly turn into a DESERT full of GIGANTIC CGI SCORPIONS. SAM WORTHINGTON Holy crap, these actually look WORSE than the shitty stop-motion models.  Did Director Louis Leterrior watch the original and think &quot;I bet I could make this piece of crap even worse&quot;? They FIGHT the SCORPIONS, and eventually some DJINN show up to help. DJINN Utinni! MADS MIKKELSEN I guess you can come along.  We've lost a lot of time, we should ride the scorpions even though they move slower than we do.  Sam, you should take this random sword I found, I think it's a gift from Liam Neeson. SAM WORTHINGTON The same Liam Neeson that commanded your city be destroyed?  Are all humans this dumb, or just you? Anyway, I don't want it, I want to succeed as a man, not a god. MADS MIKKELSEN Oh.  Well, Liam Neeson left you this shiny gold coin. SAM WORTHINGTON Ohhh, shiny! That I'll take.  Totally different.  We can use it to cross the river Styx so we can kill Medusa and use her head against the Kraken. MADS MIKKELSEN You know, you can just warp straight to her by entering &quot;8uuuuu uuuuuu uuuuuu uuuuuu&quot; at the password screen? GEMMA ARTERTON Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck on.  Medusa was a woman who turned down the sexual advances of a god, who then raped her, which caused another god to put a curse on her that turns anyone to stone when they look at her.  Now we're going to track down this poor woman who did nothing wrong and just wants to be left alone, then cut off her fucking head to use it as a weapon?  There were like fifty writers on this screenplay and nobody realized the main characters are total wangholes? SAM WORTHINGTON Boooooo-ring!  Is it time for an action scene yet?  Like maybe I could ride a three-headed lobster or something. SAM and his POSSE confront MEDUSA.  EVERYONE gets turned to STONE except the DJINN, who uses himself as a bomb to cripple MEDUSA long enough for SAM to cut her head off. SAM WORTHINGTON Let's all try to ignore the fact that the only character in this movie inspired by Arabian rather than Greco-Roman mythology just became the film's only suicide bomber. GEMMA ARTERTON is killed by TWO-FACE IN A SKIRT, who SAM kills.  SAM rides a PEGASUS back to ARGOS to kill the KRAKEN.  It's all very PERCY JACKSON but SUPER-DUPER-SERIOUS. EXT. ARGOS A HARPY steals the MEDUSA HEAD from SAM and flies all around. SAM WORTHINGTON I really hope I can get that back before the harpy realizes that he can pretty much end the movie by tossing that thing in the sea or the Kraken's mouth... He DOES.  He uses the HEAD to freeze the KRAKEN. RALPH FIENNES Damn!  And to think, my entire plan would have worked flawlessly if I simply hadn't needlessly murdered your family as they were randomly passing by! (stabbed, leaves) LIAM NEESON comes down to talk to SAM. LIAM NEESON You've done a great job defeating the monster that I allowed out to destroy you.  I'm proud of you, son. SAM WORTHINGTON Are we just going to forget you raped my mother?  We're cool now, is that it? LIAM NEESON As a gift, I've brought Gemma Arterton back to life. SAM WORTHINGTON Why not just bring back my fucking family, you complete asshole? LIAM NEESON You're welcome, son. (leaves) KING VENCENT REGAN We did it, Sam! My soldiers were easily dispatched by a variety of monsters, but we were able to overcome them with the help oftwo demi-gods and a magical sword handed down by our creator! Damn the gods, who needs &amp;#8216;em! SAM WORTHINGTON Humans are kind of schmucks, huh? You sure you guys are ready to abandon religion? END </pre> </div> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/_vy43Yga20HMs767OCpFXliOA0U/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/_vy43Yga20HMs767OCpFXliOA0U/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/_vy43Yga20HMs767OCpFXliOA0U/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/_vy43Yga20HMs767OCpFXliOA0U/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=wcWfViCTVco:rcdTMYDlqqA:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=wcWfViCTVco:rcdTMYDlqqA:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=wcWfViCTVco:rcdTMYDlqqA:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=wcWfViCTVco:rcdTMYDlqqA:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=wcWfViCTVco:rcdTMYDlqqA:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 42 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1316 2010-04-20T15:17:30Z 2010-04-20T15:13:52Z

<div id="attachment_1324" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 510px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/the_blind_side-500x333.jpg" alt="&quot;I&#039;m not pulling it, Bullock&quot;" title="The Bland Side" width="500" height="333" class="size-medium wp-image-1324" /><p class="wp-caption-text">&quot;I'm not pulling it, Bullock&quot;</p></div> <p><pre> FADE IN: INT. FILM STUDIO AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS is having a lunch meeting with DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK. AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS So I just finished my book.  It's a 288-page tome about the ways that offensive strategy in football has changed in the last twenty years. It also talks a bit about this guy named Michael Oher who became a pro football player despite having a difficult life. DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK Wait, did you say difficult life? AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS Yeah, he's a big black guy that was born into poverty but overcame it. DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK DID HE DO IT WITH THE HELP OF WHITE PEOPLE?! AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS Actually yeah, but the book- DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK SELL ME THE RIGHTS, OSCAR SEASON IS COMING! AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS Seriously?  How are you going to make a movie about football? DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK Foot-what? INT. HIGH SCHOOL QUINTON AARON is enrolled in a suburban HIGH SCHOOL.  He doesn't fit in. QUINTON AARON I'm so sad.  I have to sleep at the school gym.  I wish I had something to hug. He is approached by SANDRA BULLOCK as JULIA ROBERTS as LEIGH ANNE TUOHY. SANDRA BULLOCK You should come sleep in my gigantic mansion for the night.  Then tomorrow we can make you good at a game that we call &quot;foot ball&quot;. QUINTON AARON Wasn't Michael Oher already good at football before high school?  Is portraying me as a stereotypical gentle giant the only way white audiences will find me nonthreatening enough to accept me as a protagonist? SANDRA BULLOCK Yep.  Along those lines, when I show you your bed, please remember to remark on it being your first bed ever, despite how utterly ridiculous that is. QUINTON AARON It's staggering how Hollywood can manage to make an actual true story seem far-fetched. QUINTON meets SANDRA'S HUSBAND, TIM MCGRAW, and her two kids, LILY COLLINS and JAE HEAD. JAE HEAD Pleased to meet you, I'm literally the worst child actor they could find.  Every scene with me is going to test your resolve to not punch me in the face. LILY COLLINS This is my only line in the movie despite the fact that the real-life person I'm based on was the only member of this family to make anything approaching an actual sacrifice, dropping out of advanced classes in school to focus on helping you graduate. TIM MCGRAW I'm just a walking bottomless wallet for my wife.  I'll just be in the other room if anyone needs money or shitty country music. SANDRA meets with QUINTON'S TEACHER. QUINTON'S TEACHER Quinton scored poorly on math and reading, but he got a 98% on Protective Instincts. SANDRA BULLOCK Protective Instincts?  What the fuck kind of tests do we have in this state?  What was his score on Golden Heartedness?  Did he score in the 90th percentile on Overall Cuddliness? QUINTON'S TEACHER Given that I'm sharing his confidential student file with someone who doesn't have power of attorney, I'd say it's pretty clear that Tennessee's education system is just full of morons. SANDRA gets an idea and goes to visit QUINTON on the FOOTBALL FIELD. COACH FURLEY Well gawrsh and shucks, I just can't seem to get Quinton to be good at football! SANDRA BULLOCK Quinton, you care about your family, right?  Well, pretend the quarterback is your family. QUINTON AARON Oh!  Click, whirrrrrr.  Football talent activated. (kicks ass at football) SANDRA BULLOCK See? All he needed was to be told to give a shit!  Football is so easy when you're a high-heel-wearin', sass-talkin' woman!  Yee-haw! COACH FURLEY Gee-willy-wockers! QUINTON FOOTBALLS his way out of FROWNING INCESSANTLY.  Various COACHES approach him about a scholarship.  SANDRA buys him CLOTHES, a TUTOR, and a LUXURY SUV. QUINTON AARON Seriously? Is a story about some kid winning the lottery supposed to be uplifting simply because the lottery is played by Miss Congeniality? SANDRA BULLOCK I think we should adopt you.  But first we need to visit the ghetto to prove to the audience that adopting you means we're good people. QUINTON AARON And vicariously, so are they! They visit the GHETTO.  People are doing CRACK, shooting GUNS, and listening to RAP MUSIC. SANDRA BULLOCK See, this is where you'd be if you hadn't met me.  Doesn't that make you feel great? QUINTON AARON Actually it makes me feel like shit.  I'm just one person, and the ghetto is filled with people who weren't lucky enough to be 6&amp;#8242;8&amp;#8243; and walk by a rich family in the rain. SANDRA BULLOCK I guess I didn't think of it that way.  Luckily, neither will the audience! SANDRA confronts some DRUG DEALERS. DRUG DEALER Quinton, stop playin' football and deal drugs with me!  Tell Speed 2 over there to go fuck herself. SANDRA BULLOCK Let's get one thing straight, mister!  I may be a rich woman wearing a lot of jewelry and walking around the ghetto, but I'm also a no-nonsense soccer mom, so I'm expecting the cocky, faux-tough bullshit I pull in my suburban neighborhood will work here as well! DRUG DEALER Somehow, it does!  Have a nice day, ma'am. NCAA BUREAUCRAT Not so fast!  I'm not letting this movie get away with having absolutely no tension or conflict.  I think Sandra adopted you so that you could play football for her alma mater. QUINTON AARON (shocked) Sandra, is this true!? SANDRA BULLOCK No. NCAA BUREAUCRAT Oh.  Carry on! Everything ends AWESOMELY!  QUINTON becomes a FAMOUS FOOTBALL PLAYER!  JAE HEAD manages not to get STRANGLED! The LIFETIME network passes on the screenplay and it somehow gets released to ACTUAL THEATERS! THE ACADEMY Wow, we've really got to recognize the fantastic writing behind this adapted story about the struggle of a quiet, 300-pound black teenager who overcomes the adversity of an abusive family with the help and encouragement of people who care! DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK Oh thank you so much! THE ACADEMY What?  No, we're talking about Precious.  This movie is saccharine-coated shit.  It might be the only Best Picture nominee with a &quot;rotten&quot; rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  We'll give Bullock best actress if it will shut you up, though. SANDRA BULLOCK Wow, did I really earn this or did I just wear ya'll down?  Ha ha! THE ACADEMY (uncomfortable silence) SANDRA BULLOCK Oh.  It's the second one, isn't it? END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/QHjX_lJBkMJ1jmgCOO4vklWOHiE/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/QHjX_lJBkMJ1jmgCOO4vklWOHiE/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/QHjX_lJBkMJ1jmgCOO4vklWOHiE/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/QHjX_lJBkMJ1jmgCOO4vklWOHiE/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=v0tX3SlHtVI:uLdKQSmqFk4:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=v0tX3SlHtVI:uLdKQSmqFk4:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=v0tX3SlHtVI:uLdKQSmqFk4:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=v0tX3SlHtVI:uLdKQSmqFk4:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=v0tX3SlHtVI:uLdKQSmqFk4:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 34 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1283 2010-03-25T03:27:38Z 2010-03-24T16:01:56Z

<div id="attachment_1311" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 510px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/alice_in_wonderland-500x278.jpg" alt="Conan O&#039;Brien has not taken the loss of his show well." title="Alice In Blunderland" width="500" height="278" class="size-medium wp-image-1311" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Conan O'Brien has not taken the loss of his show well.</p></div> <p><pre> FADE IN: EXT. VICTORIAN PARTY MIA WASIKOWSKA and her mother, LINDSAY DUNCAN, arrive at a party. MIA WASIKOWSKA I hate these parties!  And I hate corsets!  I'm so progressive, clearly what I need is a place to go that isn't Victorian England! Like Edwardian England! LINDSAY DUNCAN What a peculiar thing to say!  You're a peculiar girl!  Just in case any audience members forgot they are watching a Tim Burton movie, the main character doesn't fit in! LEO BILL Mia, I'd like to marry you even though you're so peculiar and I am not! Oops, nosebleed, excuse me. Suddenly, MIA sees a CARTOON RABBIT checking his pocket watch. MIA WASIKOWSKA Oh my goodness!  A CGI creature that apparently has been created to in no way resemble an actual rabbit!  I must follow it. She DOES.  She falls down a hole for a few minutes in order to force the film's running time up to feature-length. </pre><span id="more-1283"></span><pre> PEE WEE HERMAN Hey... you see a car somewhere around here? INT. MYSTERIOUS ROOM - WONDERLAND MIA finally lands in a room. There's black and white checkerboard patterns, stripes, swirls, all of the usual TIM BURTON SHIT. MIA WASIKOWSKA Huh.  Looks like &quot;brilliant&quot; and &quot;imaginative&quot; director Tim Burton has taken visuals from the Disney cartoon and made them slightly darker.  Such a visionary. MIA finds a regularly-sized key that fits only in a tiny door.  She drinks a potion to shrink enough to fit through the door, then drinks a potion to grow enough to grab the key, then shrinks again to open the door, giving the player 10 points from ROBERTA WILLIAMS for solving the puzzle. MIA WASIKOWSKA Fantastic.  The key fit in my hand when I was normal sized, then I shrank and the key that still fit in my hand also fit in the door.  Ten minutes in and the movie has already stopped caring. MIA encounters a bunch of CGI BULLSHIT. CGI MATT LUCAS I look like a CGI Stewie Griffin with an actual human's face pasted onto it!  Isn't that whimsical, yet kind of creepy and dark? CGI TALKING FLOWERS And look, we're in the movie for a little while!  We were also in the cartoon!  So audience members with a sense of nostalgia that outweighs all of their other senses should be having an emotional reaction to this which could easily be misconstrued as enjoyment! CGI STEPHEN FRY I'm just glad I somehow look more like a real cat than those Garfield movies. Um, meow. CGI RABBIT Welcome back, Mia! MIA WASIKOWSKA Back?  This is a sequel?  A sequel to fucking Alice in Wonderland? Because doing this worked so well with Hook? CGI RABBIT Okay enough chit-chat.  You are Mia, revealed by our legendary calendar of ages to be she who slays the horrendous Jabberwocky.  You are the Chosen One, meant to lead Underland out of its era of torment. MIA WASIKOWSKA Did I walk into the wrong movie? I'm not rebooting the &quot;Conan&quot; franchise, am I? SUDDENLY some random BULLSHITS bust up the party.  MIA runs away and encounters JOHNNY DEPP dressed as the offspring of CARROT-TOP and MADONNA. MIA WASIKOWSKA Holy shit Depp, look at you. If Tim Burton asks you to play dress-up for him one more time I think you should call the police. JOHNNY DEPP Mia!  You've returned to kill the unassailable Jabberwocky! MIA WASIKOWSKA Well, I have no character motivation other than bored apathy, so, sure, why not? I think this is all a dream, so I'll go along with whatever the plot requires of me, giving Burton a great excuse not to have to use his brainythink. JOHNNY DEPP Great!  Well, we've got a lot of movie left, maybe we should do something exciting to add some freshness to this classic story. MIA WASIKOWSKA Or we could just do the same shit we've already done!  Let's shrink me!  Then let's grow me, but slightly too much!  My size keeps changing!  This will never get old! Evil QUEEN HELENA BONHAM CARTER sends her henchman CRISPIN GLOVER to kidnap JOHNNY. CRISPIN GLOVER The completely naked extra terrestrial helplessly hypnotized the diseased hog entrails. JOHNNY DEPP Help, I'm being kidnapped by an actor even more eccentric than myself! MIA talks to CGI ALAN RICKMAN. CGI ALAN RICKMAN Alright folks, I have to be back on the set for some goddamn Harry Potter movie in ten minutes.  Let's get this over with. MIA WASIKOWSKA What should I do, Alan?  Tim Burton wants me to go rescue Johnny Depp to give him more screen time, but I kind of feel bad making it easier for Burton to continue cinematically fellating Depp in front of everyone. CGI ALAN RICKMAN Once again, you astound me with your gifts, Potter.  How grand it must be to be the Chosen One. MIA WASIKOWSKA So I am the Chosen One, meant to slaughter the fearsome Jabberwocky! Wait, did you call me &quot;Potter&quot;?  Did you bring the wrong script? CGI ALAN RICKMAN Time's up, bye!  I'll tell Daniel Radcliffe you said hello and asked for his agent's number. MIA makes her way to the castle of QUEEN ANNE HATHAWAY. MIA WASIKOWSKA I guess you're the &quot;good guy&quot; in the epic action film formula that this film has been awkwardly shoehorned into. ANNE HATHAWAY (flailing slowly) Yes I am!  You must slay the Jabberwocky, or it shall be the undoing of us all! MIA WASIKOWSKA Oh good, I can see by your acting that you're the only other person who realizes how idiotic this all is. MIA dons a SUIT OF ARMOR, SHIELD, and BROADSWORD.  She and the rest of the GOOD GUYS meet HELENA and the rest of the BAD GUYS on a GIANT CHESSBOARD.  The TWO opposing armies line up for an epic battle. MIA WASIKOWSKA Shit, I think we accidentally Chronicles-of-Narnia'd the movie. HELENA BONHAM CARTER Enough!  Time to unleash the legendary JABBER-MOTHERFUCKING-WOCKY! JOHNNY DEPP OH HOLY FUCK! The JABBERWOCKY, voiced by CHRISTOPHER LEE for some reason, EMERGES! ANNE HATHAWAY WE'RE DOOMED! DOOMED! CGI STEPHEN FRY GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER! MIA kills it instantly. HELENA BONHAM CARTER Oh.  Well I guess I'll just be exiled then.  Come now, Crispin Glover. CRISPIN GLOVER I'm in the movie because I make Tim Burton feel normal!  Want to see me put my foot behind my head? Because I can't. ANNE HATHAWAY Thanks, Mia.  You totally did the thing that we said you were going to do an hour and a half ago. MIA WASIKOWSKA So, how long do we have to wait before we can admit that the Tim Burton of the 80's and 90's is dead and that everything with his name attached these days is pretty much a pile of dog excrement scored by Danny Elfman? JOHNNY DEPP Seriously, where's American McGee when you need him? MIA returns to the SURFACE. MIA WASIKOWSKA Leo Bill!  I've decided I cannot marry you!  Instead, I want to go into business for myself! LEO BILL You left the land of fairy tales to embrace a life of soul-crushing corporatism?  What are you going to do, take over your father's business? MIA WASIKOWSKA No, I'm going to produce movies for Tim Burton!  Someone give me the script to The Wizard of Oz and some headshots of Johnny Depp! END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/JIdMFlH1dX3r77EP6GWakxdGR_E/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/JIdMFlH1dX3r77EP6GWakxdGR_E/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/JIdMFlH1dX3r77EP6GWakxdGR_E/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/JIdMFlH1dX3r77EP6GWakxdGR_E/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=L4mMb7V5wrk:TDoNa_3M-ao:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=L4mMb7V5wrk:TDoNa_3M-ao:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=L4mMb7V5wrk:TDoNa_3M-ao:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=L4mMb7V5wrk:TDoNa_3M-ao:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=L4mMb7V5wrk:TDoNa_3M-ao:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 59 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1281 2010-02-25T15:33:44Z 2010-02-16T13:00:19Z

<div id="attachment_1291" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 510px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/sherlock_holmes-500x331.jpg" alt="&quot;Careful Holmes, Christopher Walken went through a lot to get me that watch.&quot;" title="Pure-Schlock Holmes" width="500" height="331" class="size-medium wp-image-1291" /><p class="wp-caption-text">&quot;Careful Holmes, Christopher Walken went through a lot to get me that watch.&quot;</p></div> <p><pre> FADE IN: INT. JAIL ROBERT DOWNEY JR. and JUDE LAW go to see MARK STRONG in JAIL. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Ah, diabolical Lord Mark Strong.  Glad to see you're finally going to be hanged for all of those murders you committed in a movie that would have probably been more entertaining than this one. MARK STRONG Curse you, Downey!  I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you and your meddling sidekick! JUDE LAW My mustache disapproves of your murderous ways. MARK STRONG This isn't over, Downey!  The movie is just starting and I've been in way too many Guy Ritchie movies to die this early! He is HANGED, U.S. style for some reason. </pre><br /> <span id="more-1281"></span><br /> <pre> JUDE LAW I pronounce this man dead with no pulse.  I won't bother checking his neck or anything, since that is convenient to the plot. MARK is buried. The next day they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the LORD MARK STRONG. EDDIE MARSAN Oh fiddlesticks and jam!  How will I solve this mystery? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Good morning, Inspector Marsan.  I am Sherlock Holmes, a brilliant but eccentric detective.  And by &quot;detective,&quot; I mean &quot;action hero.&quot; JUDE LAW And I'm a doctor, so I punch things. EDDIE MARSAN Sherlock Holmes, eh?  And how will you be playing such an iconic character? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Well, I rescued my career from the grave with &quot;cocky but charming&quot; so I'm going with that. EDDIE MARSAN Alright.  Well Lord Mark Strong was buried here but his tomb has been opened and he's gone.  Can you use some of that classic deductive reasoning? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. I don't really do reasoning.  Mostly I'm into cold-reading and borderline-autistic observation. EDDIE MARSAN So you're kind of a combination of John Edward and Rain Man? JUDE LAW With some Iron Man for personality! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. finds some clues but refuses to share them with the AUDIENCE so that nobody can play along, because what kind of MYSTERY MOVIE would let the audience actually try to solve the MYSTERY? JUDE LAW Robert, I'm worried.  So far this movie is playing out like an actual detective film.  We need to remember that this movie has been made for people with attention spans too short to read a 6-page short story. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. You're right! We need some pointless CGI, chase sequences, and fight scenes! To the London shipyard! JUDE LAW Great, what clues bring us there? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (hurried English mumbling) JUDE LAW Good enough for me! There are some ACTION SEQUENCES and ROBERT gets into a FISTFIGHT! JUDE LAW Sherlock Holmes in a fistfight?  Really? ROBERT DOWNEY JR. It's alright, during the fight I'm using what appears to be deductive reasoning to complete morons. ROBERT wins the FIGHT against BAD GUYS while GUY RICHIE loses the FIGHT against REALISTIC-LOOKING CGI. ROBERT and JUDE encounter RACHEL MCADAMS. RACHEL MCADAMS Hello again Robert.  It is I, a random female with whom you have a history. JUDE LAW Rachel McAdams?  You belong in this movie about as much as Downey at a Straight Edge convention. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Judging by the complete apathy in casting your role, I deduce that you are here almost exclusively to help set up a sequel.  Therefore you must be working for my adversary in the next film, Moriarty. RACHEL MCADAMS No shit, Sherlock.  He wants me to steal whatever device Lord Mark Strong is going to use in his next murder. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Then we must figure out the location of the murder and end the film before the audience figures out they've been duped into watching a prequel to a non-existent film! ROBERT places a map on the floor and marks the location of each of MARK STRONG's murders. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Now, as you can see, the old murder spots draw a pentagram on a map. JUDE LAW Naturally.  Wouldn't be a poorly written detective movie about the occult without it. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. But more theology is needed to make this stuff seem truly mystical, so you may also notice that the newer set of murders draw three points of a cross!  Like in Christianity! RACHEL MCADAMS Brilliant!  More nonsense! JUDE LAW And look, along the line forming the west side of the cross are an infinite number of spots, one of which is Parliament! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. And Parliament is somehow connected to a Lion, which is connected to Eagles, Oxes, and Men!  Where are related to the Sphinx!  Which is a cool drawing I made on the floor! RACHEL MCADAMS My head is spinning from how retarded this all is!  To Parliament! INT. PARLIAMENT MARK STRONG has gathered the MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT together. MARK STRONG I'm going to murder all of you unless someone explains to me how to loosen the collar on my fucking shirt! ROBERT, RACHEL, and JUDE arrive and dismantle MARK'S MURDER DEVICE.  RACHEL then steals it and runs 3 miles to the TOWER BRIDGE in about 10 seconds. MARK STRONG Give me back my MurderGas, Mean Girls! RACHEL MCADAMS No! I'll never let it fall back into the wrong hands until I give it over to a different set of wrong hands! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. I've figured out everything you did, Mark!  And now I'm going to waste twenty minutes explaining all of it right before killing you! He DOES.  MARK STRONG dies. JUDE LAW You cracked the case, Robert! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Not only that, but I've come to terms with the fact that you're moving out and getting engaged! JUDE LAW Wonderful!  I can't wait for the bachelor party you throw for me! ROBERT DOWNEY JR. You bet, old chap!  There'll be hookers, drugs, and me snorting cocaine off your dick! JUDE LAW Ha!  Wait, what? END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/tTWKRJPHjQUaAQf_QLt9VciVXYE/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/tTWKRJPHjQUaAQf_QLt9VciVXYE/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/tTWKRJPHjQUaAQf_QLt9VciVXYE/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/tTWKRJPHjQUaAQf_QLt9VciVXYE/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=yz6h1M7Gwak:4VSqL0_89W4:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=yz6h1M7Gwak:4VSqL0_89W4:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=yz6h1M7Gwak:4VSqL0_89W4:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=yz6h1M7Gwak:4VSqL0_89W4:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=yz6h1M7Gwak:4VSqL0_89W4:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 61 Rod http://www.the-editing-room.com http://www.the-editing-room.com/?p=1262 2010-01-14T18:28:59Z 2010-01-14T13:03:18Z

<p><div id="attachment_1275" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 510px"><img src="http://www.the-editing-room.com/img/avatar-500x280.jpg" alt="Confused, Jake Sully aims for Tobias Fünke&#039;s head." title="Avatard" width="500" height="280" class="size-medium wp-image-1275" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Confused, Jake Sully aims for Tobias Fünke's head.</p></div><br /> <pre> FADE IN: INT. SPACESHIP SAM WORTHINGTON awakens from cryogenic sleep as the PILOT comes onto the radio. PILOT Alright everyone, we're now arriving at Pandora. SAM WORTHINGTON Pandora?  No wonder I keep hearing the same twenty songs over and over again. SAM exits his tiny cryogenic tube and stretches his legs. SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.) Air travel has been pretty restrictive since the Christmas underwear bomber.  Anyway, it's 2149 and I'm about to continue my dead brother's work to help Giovanni Ribisi make enough money to buy some new vowels for his last name.  Oh, and I'll be occasionally dropping some voiceover exposition, because what would lazy storytelling be without voiceover? </pre><span id="more-1262"></span><pre> INT. MILITARY BASE - PANDORA SAM wheels his 145-YEAR-OLD WHEELCHAIR into a briefing room to hear a speech by STEPHEN LANG. SAM WORTHINGTON Holy shit, Duke Nukem Forever really does get released in the future! STEPHEN LANG No, I'm the film's bullheaded tough guy.  Welcome to Pandora.  There's not enough oxygen here to breathe, though it's worth mentioning there is enough oxygen for totally awesome explosions. SAM WORTHINGTON Is the gravity at least the same? STEPHEN LANG Actually, we'll be constantly mentioning the lower gravity here, but it will somehow have absolutely no effect on anyone. SAM meets SIGOURNEY WEAVER and JOEL MOORE. SIGOURNEY WEAVER I hate you because you're a marine, and marines are stupid.  Though I will turn out to be wrong about you, I will be correct about all other members of the military.  Fuck the troops. JOEL MOORE Let's get you logged into your Avatar 3D IMAX Experience. SAM WORTHINGTON So what are these things?  They look like fucking Night Elves.  Is World of Warcraft still around in the future? JOEL MOORE Actually yes, but you get your epic mount at level 3 now.  Anyway,  these are avatars.  They are grown by combining the DNA of the Pandora natives with human DNA, but somehow they come out genetically identical to the natives. SAM mentally links to BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON I can feel my legs again!  That makes it completely worth how utterly ridiculous I look! BLUE JOEL MOORE Be careful with it, Sam.  James Cameron spent millions of dollars to develop the advanced facial capture technology it needs. BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER Cameron spent millions to develop advanced facial capture technology then strapped it to a guy whose face shows no expression? BLUE JOEL MOORE In spite of his role in fucking up the Terminator franchise, no less.  Guy's a saint. EXT. JUNGLE - PANDORA The BLUE CAT GROUP travels into the JUNGLE to HUG TREES AND SHIT. BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER Look Joel, this plant is exactly the same as it was yesterday!  Research! Science! Breakthroughs! BLUE JOEL MOORE Alright Sam, just keep guard while we do some science.  Keep your eyes open; this is a fantastical, far-away land, which means that the organisms are all not quite the same as organisms on earth. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON I have a not-quite-rhinocerous staring at me.  And now a not-quite-panther is chasing me. BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER Run!  Run like McG is chasing you with the script to Terminator 5! BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON (running) Why the hell did they give me a gun if it can't do anything? SAM gets separated from JOEL and SIGOURNEY. SIGOURNEY WEAVER We'd better head back to base before it gets dark.  There's no way to locate Sam now. BLUE JOEL MOORE No way to locate him?  We spent billions of dollars growing these things and didn't bother giving them a GPS or something?  I have a fucking GPS in my running shoes.  How does the &quot;jacking in&quot; process work if we can't locate the fucking things? Meanwhile SAM wanders deeper into the jungle.  As night falls, the plants start to emit a neon glow. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON Oh fuck, I think I wandered into a Joel Schumacher movie.  Someone, get me out of here! BLUE ZOE SALDANA (subtitled) You should not be here.  Jesus, am I subtitled with the Papyrus font?  Fuck it, I'll speak English. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON Take me to your tribe leader.  I need to become a member of your people. BLUE ZOE SALDANA Absolutely not. (pause) Alright. SAM and ZOE go to HOMETREE and meet ZOE'S FATHER, WES STUDI. BLUE WES STUDI Welcome to my village, Sam Worthington.  I am Wes, a Cherokee actor.  You've already met my Latina daughter Zoe, and this is my wife, CCH Pounder, a black actresses. Over here is Laz Alonso, who hates you. BLUE LAZ ALONSO I am also played by a black actor. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON Wow, nice to know the casting session was just as awkwardly racist as the rest of the movie.  Are we going to do the same shit as Pocahontas, The Last Samurai, Ferngully, and Dances with Wolves? BLUE WES STUDI Ooh, I was in that last one!  Anyway, Zoe will train you to become one of us and eventually the best of us. BLUE LAZ ALONSO What?! I am blue with rage! ZOE takes SAM through PANDORA. BLUE ZOE SALDANA We Na'vi are one with nature.  We reject your culture's love of technology and instead we appreciate the harmony and beauty of the world. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON I sure am glad computer technology has gotten sophisticated enough that James Cameron could make his $230 million 3D IMAX movie about rejecting technology! I think I understand: technology bad, nature good! BLUE ZOE SALDANA Exactly!  Not counting the technology that cryogenically froze you, transported you to this planet, sustains your oxygen supply, or allows you to wirelessly link into an avatar, of course. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON Of course. BLUE ZOE SALDANA Now, see the winged animals behind me? BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON Yes.  Do we appreciate the beauty and majesty of these grand creatures? BLUE ZOE SALDANA Huh?  No, we enslave them.  Plug your ponytail into one to take control of it's mind.  Fuck you, blue pterodactyl! SAM and ZOE fly around for a while so that the AUDIENCE MEMBERS WEARING UNCOMFORTABLE 3D GLASSES feel they got their money's worth. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON What the fuck?  Floating mountains?  How did &quot;floating mountains&quot; make it all the way from script to storyboard to rendering without anyone asking how mountains can float while people just walk around? BLUE ZOE SALDANA The best part is that the floating mountains have waterfalls.  Where is the water coming from? BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON Holy shit, you're right!  I think I'm in love with you! SAM and ZOE have sex. BLUE ZOE SALDANA Oops, is it gay if the braids touch? BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON We'd better cut to something else before the audience members realize they are watching giant blue kitty cats fuck. Meanwhile... INT. MILITARY BASE GIOVANNI RIBISI is talking to STEPHEN LANG. GIOVANNI RIBISI Hang on while I putt this ball into this mug for the 3D crowd.  Alright now, I think it may be time to blow up Hometree. STEPHEN LANG I growl with approval. SIGOURNEY WEAVER You can't!  Don't you understand how amazing these trees are?  Each tree has ten to the fourth connections to the trees around it! JOEL MOORE That's almost ten-thousand connections! GIOVANNI RIBISI Listen, I don't care about trees.  I'm here to mine Unobtanium! Mwa ha ha! SIGOURNEY WEAVER &quot;Unobtanium&quot;?  Really?  May as well have just gone with &quot;MacGuffinium&quot;. GIOVANNI orders HOMETREE destroyed but BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON tries to stop it. STEPHEN LANG Hey, zoom in on that blue guy.  Enhance! GIOVANNI RIBISI Oh, did you just say &quot;enhance&quot; while looking at a paused video?  I think I just got Movie Cliche Bingo! STEPHEN storms into the AVATAR LINK ROOM to unplug SAM WORTHINGTON. JOEL MOORE No, don't! Unplugging an avatar is extremely dangerous! STEPHEN LANG And yet we're going to do it like ten times in the movie without consequence! STEPHEN unplugs SAM then locks him, JOEL, and SIGOURNEY in a cell.  MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ breaks them out. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ Stephen just blew the fuck out of Hometree.  I disobeyed a direct order and left, but I guess that's alright in the future because I'm not locked in there with you.  Let's go fly the mobile avatar link station into the jungle somewhere. SAM WORTHINGTON But how will that work, without any connections to anything of any kind, including a power source? MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ ALL THINGS IN JAMES CAMERON'S DREAMS ARE POSSIBLE IN THE FUTURE! SAM links back up with BLUE SAM and captures THE ONLY THING ON THE PLANET THAT ISN'T BLUE OR GREEN. SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.) Somehow, I was the first guy to ever think of jumping onto the red flying pterodactyl from above.  So that made me the king or something, and I went around gathering natives all around the planet to help defend against the next attack. STEPHEN LANG Giovanni, someone is gathering Na'vi together to defend the Tree of Souls.  They've gone from ten to the second to over ten to the third Na'vi! GIOVANNI RIBISI Hmm.  What would Paul Reiser from Aliens do?  I guess, murder everyone. STEPHEN assembles a team to bomb the TREE OF SOULS.  BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON leads a counterattack.  Even MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ helps! MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ You're not the only one with a gun, bitch. (dies) Okay now you are, bitch. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON takes down the ship carrying the bomb, causing it to detonate a few yards from the original target and therefore doing NO DAMAGE.  STEPHEN LANG enters a BATTLEMECH and jumps to the surface. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON A battlemech?  Really? STEPHEN LANG James Cameron is convinced every movie would be better with battlemechs.  To be fair, he's probably right. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON Huh.  Well, there's only one thing in the world that could possibly make a battle between an 8-foot-tall smurf and a giant mech any more ridiculous. STEPHEN LANG A knife fight. STEPHEN and SAM fight.  Eventually, SAM wins!  And some 3D ARROWS jump out at the AUDIENCE but in a totally immersive and not-at-all gimmicky way! BLUE ZOE SALDANA Sam, we did it!  Why aren't you more excited? BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON Well, I'm confused.  I can't figure out why the internet is so in love with this movie.  It's just another three-hour James Cameron blockbuster that uses an absurdly cliche plot full of painfully corny dialogue to hold together what is merely a showcase for stunning special effects. BLUE ZOE SALDANA Simple.  People on the internet can't dress up as characters from Titanic.  Half the internet is Furries, dude. END </pre></p> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/GTVVx26dxUNWsZh6xfGlXits6QE/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/GTVVx26dxUNWsZh6xfGlXits6QE/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/GTVVx26dxUNWsZh6xfGlXits6QE/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/GTVVx26dxUNWsZh6xfGlXits6QE/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=-vx8OTD6Ujg:jCXTKHBoo4o:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=-vx8OTD6Ujg:jCXTKHBoo4o:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=-vx8OTD6Ujg:jCXTKHBoo4o:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?a=-vx8OTD6Ujg:jCXTKHBoo4o:YJGTTS4S4X0"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/TheEditingRoom?i=-vx8OTD6Ujg:jCXTKHBoo4o:YJGTTS4S4X0" border="0"></img></a> </div> 150