FADE IN:

INT. USS KELVIN – THE FUTURE

CAPTAIN FARAN TAHIR watches as a BROKEN WICKER BASKET MADE OF METAL emerges from a BLACK HOLE.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Captain, are you seeing this?

FARAN TAHIR

No, all I can see are fucking lens flares!  Did someone just discover Photoshop in 1998 or something?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Sir, I think it’s just a trick to make everyone who downloads the movie think it was a bad capture and delete it.

Suddenly, ERIC BANA appears on a screen.

ERIC BANA

I demand that your captain board my random-looking bundling of metal spikes and slightly curved surfaces.

FARAN TAHIR

Seeing as how the only way an in-person discussion differs from what we’re doing now is that the former offers you a way to kill me, I’ll go ahead and comply.

He DOES, and ERIC kills him.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Alright, that makes me captain.  Someone get my wife to an escape pod while she delivers my son.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S WIFE

Chris, no!  You have to come with me, a lack of a father figure will surely turn our son into an insufferable douchebag.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I can’t.  JJ Abrams doesn’t know how to direct anything that isn’t “Lost”, so I have to stay behind and die dramatically as the sound effects are muted in favor of sad-sounding violin music.

CHRIS dies.

EXT. IOWA – UNITED STATES – EARTH – LONG SCENE HEADING

A YOUNG CHRIS PINE speeds down a road in a 280-YEAR-OLD-CAR while listening to 250-YEAR-OLD-MUSIC.  A POLICE OFFICER DRESSED AS SNAKE-EYES FROM G.I. JOE chases him.

YOUNG CHRIS PINE drives the car off a cliff and just barely manages to pull himself up from the ledge.

POLICE OFFICER

Citizen!  What is your name?

YOUNG CHRIS PINE

My name is Chris Overacting Pine!

POLICE OFFICER

Citizen!  What is the point of this scene?

YOUNG CHRIS PINE

I have absolutely no fucking clue!

YOUNG CHRIS PINE eventually grows into CHRIS PINE and he goes to a bar where he meets ZOE SALDANA.

CHRIS PINE

Finally, the first scene introducing me as the new James Kirk to the world! I think it’s only fitting that I come off as a complete dickwad and hit on you.  Let’s go back to my place, I think a hull breach is imminent.

ZOE SALDANA

Ack!  Holy shit, is my name in caps and centered above this?  Why are my thoughts being written down?  What’s going on?

CHRIS PINE

That’s dialogue.  It means you get to say things out loud in the movie.

ZOE SALDANA

Uhura has actual lines?  Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here.  Can someone rescue me from this?

Suddenly, a fight breaks out between CHRIS PINE, FOUR STARFLEET CADETS, and APPARENTLY THE CAMERA MAN.  Once CHRIS finishes getting his ass kicked, BRUCE GREENWOOD talks to him.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

I looked up your file.  Your aptitude test scores are off the charts.

CHRIS PINE

Off the charts?  Your aptitude test scoring system has a serious design flaw.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Enlist in Starfleet.  Boldly go where no man has gone before!  Meet new and interesting alien life forms that look exactly like humans except with one feature difference such as skin color, eye size, or ear shape!

CHRIS PINE

Look, I’m just not Starfleet material.  The only thing I’m any good at is hanging off ledges.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Just think about it.  The ship for new recruits leaves tomorrow, and there’s apparently no other way for you to enlist other than boarding it.

CHRIS rides his bike some more and looks contemplatively at a STARSHIP being built.

CHRIS PINE

Wow.  It’s so amazing.  How the hell are they ever going to launch that thing off the surface of the planet?

CHRIS joins STARFLEET and hops on a ship headed into SPACE even though the ACADEMY is on EARTH. He meets KARL URBAN.

KARL URBAN

Nice to meet you. I’m enlisting because my wife took everything in the divorce. All I’ve got left are my BOOOOONEEESSSS. Eh? Eh? Bones!

CHRIS PINE

So, this movie’s official explanation for your nickname is basically that my character likes to incessantly remind you of your painful divorce. Wow, I really am an insufferable douchebag.

INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY – EARTH

CHRIS smarms his way through school, acting like an obnoxious fratboy in scene after scene.  ZACHARY QUINTO accuses him of cheating on a test, since nothing makes compelling drama like ACADEMIC WHINING.

ZACHARY QUINTO

I demand Chris Pine be expelled from the academy, he got Dawson’s Creek in my Star Wars!

CHRIS PINE

Me? You got Star Wars in my Dawson’s Creek!

TYLER PERRY, UGH

I’d love to expel the brash, renegade youth but unfortunately a sudden emergency demands our complete attention, thereby giving him a second chance to prove himself!

CHRIS PINE

How incredibly original!

Everyone that has had a line so far winds up on the USS ENTERPRISE.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Listen up, we’ve gotten a distress signal from planet Vulcan, which strangely is also the word used to refer to people from it.  They have reported what appears to be a metal cactus in space.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Our mission is to find out what’s going on and not in any way risk our lives since you’re just a bunch of students and your parents would fucking kill us if we got you injured on what is basically a field trip.

JOHN CHO

Setting a course for White Castle, er, Vulcan.

CHRIS PINE

Wait a minute, did you say metal cactus in space?  IT’S A TRAP!

BRUCE GREENWOOD heeds CHRIS’S advice, stopping the ship at exactly the place it would have stopped anyway.  They see all of the other STARSHIPS destroyed by ERIC BANA’S SHIP.

CHRIS PINE

Oh my God.  I can’t believe it.

KARL URBAN

What, that you were right about the attack?

CHRIS PINE

No, that the green chick I was about to bone is dead now.  Do you have any idea how much dough I sank into her?  Shit was an investment, son!

KARL URBAN

Actually, you’re right.  Our entire graduating class just got obliterated and nobody seems to give a shit.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Alright everyone, I’m going to take a transport over to Eric Bana’s ship.  Chris, John, and some random guy wearing a red shirt will land on the giant drill that Bana is using on Vulcan which we can’t just shoot for some reason.  I’m promoting Zachary to captain.

CHRIS and JOHN land on the DRILL while the REDSHIRT dies.

CHRIS PINE

Look, we’re paying tribute to the original series by conforming to its limitations!

JOHN and CHRIS have a fistfight with some ROMULANS. CHRIS gets his ass kicked yet again.

JOHN CHO

Hmm.  I see the comical fistfight and I hear the obnoxious “fistfight with aliens” music, but I don’t see any overweight middle aged men.  Is this Star Trek or not?

Meanwhile, ANTON YELCHIN observes that ERIC BANA is creating a BLACK HOLE in the center of VULCAN.  ZACHARY decides he must rescue his parents and heads to the BEAMING ROOM to go down to the planet.

CHRIS and JOHN fall off the drill and plummet to the surface.  ANTON YELCHIN runs to the BEAMING ROOM and beams them up in midair.  ZACHARY arrives and demands to be beamed to the surface.

ANTON YELCHIN

Didn’t we just leave from the same bridge?  How did I beat you here?

ZACHARY is beamed to the surface and he finds his parents.  Just when they are all being beamed up, the ledge that ZACHARY’S MOTHER, WINONA RYDER, is standing on collapses and she falls.

ANTON YELCHIN

Zachary, I lost the lock on your mother, I can’t beam her up to the ship!

ZACHARY QUINTO

What?  You just beamed Chris and John to the ship while they were freefalling.

ANTON YELCHIN

This is different!

ZACHARY QUINTO

How is it different at all?

ANTON YELCHIN

She was in “Mr. Deeds” dude. Fuck her.

The BLACK HOLE finishes consuming VULCAN and ZACHARY assumes control of the ship.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, we’ve got to rescue Bruce Greenwood.

ZACHARY QUINTO

With him off the ship, our rating in the 18-24 demographic has increased.  Rescuing him would be highly illogical.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, without him this whole movie just looks like a bunch of kids playing Star Trek dress-up in the rich kid’s basement.  We have to get him back.  Besides, none of us can rent a car without him.

ZACHARY maroons CHRIS on a nearby planet and heads toward EARTH.

EXT.  ICE PLANET HOTH

CHRIS wanders around the surface of the ice planet until he runs into a VAGINASAURUS REX.  He stumbles down a hillside and into a CAVE, where he meets LEONARD NIMOY!

LEONARD NIMOY

Hello Chris.  I am Leonard Nimoy, the future version of Zachary Quinto.

CHRIS PINE

Makes sense, I’ve got the entire surface of a planet to work with and I stumbled into your cave.  Please, continue.

LEONARD NIMOY

Many years from now, a star explodes and turns supernova.  I tried to create a black hole in its center using red matter, but I was too late.  The supernova destroyed Romulus.  Eric Bana got all pissy about it, but we got sucked into the black hole that I created, which sent us back in time, 25 years apart for some reason.  Conveniently when my younger self was no longer wearing pointy diapers.

CHRIS PINE

Holy crap this is stupid.  Are you done?

LEONARD NIMOY

Hardly.  Anyway, Eric abducted me when I came through and stranded me here so that I could watch my home planet be destroyed.

CHRIS PINE

He does understand that he went back in time right?  And can therefore just stop his home planet from being destroyed altogether?

(pause)

So wait, why does red matter destroy planets but send ships back in time?

LEONARD NIMOY

BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!

CHRIS PINE

Apparently, since you’re close enough to Vulcan to see it with the naked eye but not so close as to be sucked into the ensuing black hole.

LEONARD NIMOY

In any case, these events have created an alternate timeline with a much larger budget.  You are meant to be captain, we must get you back to the ship.

CHRIS PINE

I’m so glad this movie is rebooting the franchise and avoiding the overused plot contrivances that plagued the originals. Any chance you want to travel back to 1980’s earth to pick up some whales?

They make their way to a FEDERATION OUTPOST and find SIMON PEGG.

SIMON PEGG

Hello.  I speak quickly in a thick Scottish accent, which passes for comic relief.  Also I’m obsessed with food because the other actor who plays this character was obese, God rest his soul. How can I help you?

LEONARD NIMOY

You can beam yourself and Chris onto a ship traveling at light speed!

SIMON PEGG

Sure, why not?  Believability pretty much went out the window with the whole red matter black hole thing, eh?

SIMON and CHRIS find themselves on the ENTERPRISE and confront ZACHARY.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, if I provoke an emotional response out of you then you’ll have to step down as captain.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Do your worst.

CHRIS PINE

Actually, considering that my “asshole dial” has been turned up to eleven since the movie started, there’s really nowhere else for me to go.  Uh, yo momma so dead…

ZACHARY QUINTO

How dead is she?

CHRIS PINE

Yo momma so dead, her maggots are being eaten by maggots!

ZACHARY starts beating the hell out of CHRIS PINE, who simply cannot seem to win a fight.  ZACHARY stops just short of opening CHRIS’S head and eating his brain to acquire “hanging off ledges” powers, though.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Damn.  Since I am unfit as captain, I suppose you will have to take my place.  And now that you have arrogantly assumed a title that you have not earned and insulted my mother, I have grown to respect you.

CHRIS PINE

Alright, here’s the plan.  We’ll beam onboard Bana’s ship, steal the red matter, ignite it, then beam back.

KARL URBAN

Er, one drop of that stuff is enough to destroy a whole planet, so the whole thing–

CHRIS PINE

BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!

KARL URBAN

Dammit Chris, I’m a Matt LeBlanc lookalike contest winner, not a physicist!

ZACHARY QUINTO

Wait, why not use some of the red matter to go back in time a bit further and stop any of this from happening?  Then I could save my home planet and my mother.

CHRIS PINE

No!  We have to do the thing that ends with a big action scene.  An action scene that requires lasers, mind you, no beaming a bomb into Bana’s ship or anything. Let’s get moving, we’ve got sequels to plan.

They execute the dumbest plan of all available options.  BANA is destroyed or maybe sent back in time again.

INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY – EARTH

CHRIS PINE is officially given the rank of CAPTAIN and receives a medal.

TYLER PERRY, UGH

Because your ship was pretty much the only one that survived, you win by default.  Congratulations.

CHRIS and ZACHARY become friends because LEONARD NIMOY told them they have to be.

LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)

Space.  The final frontier.  Unless you count time, of course.

STAR TREK FANS

Waaahhh!  They destroyed Vulcan!  The Federation knows about Romulans too early!  It’s not Gene Roddenberry’s vision! Bwaaahh!

LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)

Bah, you morons will pay for anything with the word “Trek” in the title.  Who gives a shit what any of you think?

END

FADE IN:

INT. SKYNET BASE

CHRISTIAN BALE and a team of ROBOT FODDER break into a SKYNET military base which, despite the fact that it is made for machines instead of humans, is designed to make it easy for humans to move around.

CHRISTIAN BALE

It looks like Skynet is taking human prisoners. Something’s different. This isn’t the future my mother warned me about. That future definitely had lasers, I’m sure of it. That future would have been totally sweet.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

Bale! You’re a loose cannon! You’ve destroyed over half the city! I’ve got the mayor breathing down my neck!

CHRISTIAN leaves the BASE only to discover a bunch of TERMINATORS taking more humans prisoner.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I must chase after them! If only there were an easily damageable vehicle that, when damaged, would maximize my chance of fatality! Oh, a helicopter, perfect!

CHRISTIAN grabs a HELICOPTER, which results in a CRASH that somehow leaves him unscathed. A CRIPPLED TERMINATOR chases him, but it is killed by BULLETS. Plain old, regular BULLETS. The kind that couldn’t kill TERMINATORS in the other movies.

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND

SAM WORTHINGTON wanders into the ruins of a city. He is attacked by a TERMINATOR THAT LOOKS LIKE DOLPH LUNDGREN but rescued by ANTON YELCHIN.

ANTON YELCHIN

Come with me if you want to live.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Actually I’ve read the rest of the script for this movie, I’ll just stay here, thanks.

ANTON drops some TRASH on the TERMINATOR and kills it.

SAM WORTHINGTON

What the hell was that thing?

ANTON YELCHIN

Where have you been? That was a Terminator!

SAM WORTHINGTON

No it wasn’t. Terminators are scary. That thing was wearing a headband.

ANTON YELCHIN

So who are you anyway?

SAM WORTHINGTON

I’m a prisoner that was executed in 2004. I donated my body to science because Helena Bonham Carter asked me to and she was bald with perfectly plucked eyebrows, the international moviemaking symbol for someone with cancer.

ANTON YELCHIN

Nothing suspicious about that, let’s become reluctant partners!

INT. RESISTANCE BASE

CHRISTIAN BALE gets a lecture from MICHAEL IRONSIDE while IVAN G’VERA translates.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

You don’t play by the rules, Bale! You think you’re above the law! I’m taking you off the case!

IVAN G’VERA

Mr. Ironside wants you to be aware that you and your teenage father have both been targeted by Skynet.

CHRISTIAN BALE

My father? I can’t let that happen, it would create a time paradox that wouldn’t really matter since this whole franchise just seems to make up the rules of time travel whenever it wants!

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

Turn in your gun and badge! You’re suspended until further notice!

IVAN G’VERA

Mr. Ironside also wants you to know that his team has figured out how to turn the machines off using an audio clip.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Does it secretly mimic the remote shutdown code?

IVAN G’VERA

Nah, it’s just a track off Eminem’s new album. When the machines hear it, they kill themselves. I’m pretty sure he rhymes “rubbers” with “rubbers”.

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND

SAM and ANTON drive an amazingly-still-functioning car around a bit until they attract the attention of MEGATRON.

An incredibly LOUD action sequence follows with a bunch of EXPLOSIONS.

ANTON YELCHIN

Wow, it’s all of the action of Terminator 2, without the reason to give a shit!

DIRECTOR MCG

Dude, what do you expect from me? I only have one name. And it lacks vowels.

MEGATRON captures them along with a bunch of other people. SAM escapes and runs into MOON BLOODGOOD, whose name is MOON BLOODGOOD.

MOON BLOODGOOD

Who are you? And why is McG introducing a bunch of new characters nobody cares about?

SAM WORTHINGTON

I don’t remember anything. Surely that’s not alarming to someone who ought to be living in a constant state of paranoia.

MOON BLOODGOOD

I see. Well let’s set up camp for the night. We can start a large fire to attract as many invincible murderous robots as possible. Tomorrow I’ll take you to see Christian Bale.

SAM WORTHINGTON

He’s not going to do that stupid Batman voice is he?

MOON BLOODGOOD

Hilariously enough, he is!

MOON and SAM make their way to the SUPER SECRET RESISTANCE HIDEOUT, SOLD SEPARATELY.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Sam Worthington is a machine! Strap him up, no ultra-powerful cyborg can possibly break out of a couple chains.

SAM WORTHINGTON

I’m a cyborg? How shocking to absolutely nobody since the trailer showed it!

CHRISTIAN BALE

You’re a different kind of model, I’ve never seen a Terminator with human organs before.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Skin is an organ, numbnuts.

CHRISTIAN BALE

…you and me are done professionally, man.

CHRISTIAN sulks around other parts of the base and listens to the tapes his MOTHER made for him, which have been needlessly rerecorded with slightly different lines.

MOON BLOODGOOD

I think you should let Sam go. When he and I were alone, he decided not to rape me, and “doesn’t rape people” is pretty much the only moral barometer in action movies.

CHRISTIAN BALE

No. How am I supposed to become the leader of the human resistance if I go around listening to people with more information than me?

MOON decides to free SAM. There is a dark but extremely loud chase sequence and eventually CHRISTIAN confronts SAM.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Listen, I need to go rescue Anton Yelchin, he has to be on the Star Trek set in half an hour.

CHRISTIAN BALE

He eventually grows up to become my father! I will allow you to attempt to rescue him so he can have sexual intercourse with my mother.

SAM goes to the MACHINE CITY where he is captured by machines. CHRISTIAN BALE says goodbye to his wife, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Alright, let me just stick this flash drive into a killer motorcycle and take it over. It’s a good thing the Terminators are backwards compatible with USB 2.0.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Please tell me that this isn’t how the movie has decided to portray all of the “you re-programmed me” stuff from the other movies.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Goodbye, wife who is not Claire Danes. I’m heading into the machine headquarters to rescue the guy who I later send back in time so that he can continue to be my father and I can continue to exist. Yeah, I just said that. Anyway, I’LL BE BACK.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Ugh, this whole movie isn’t just going to be a series of winks and nods to the audience members that saw the other movies, is it? Because that’s what Terminator 3 was, and it sucked big metal cyborg balls.

CHRISTIAN BALE

No, that was the last in-joke. The rest of the movie is painfully serious.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Okay good.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Just as soon as I listen to the same Guns N’ Roses album that I listened to in the second movie, a copy of which somehow survived the nuclear holocaust.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

At least it isn’t Chinese Democracy.

CHRISTIAN drives to MACHINELAND. Meanwhile, SAM awakes in a room with a BIG MONITOR (very useful for machines) with HELENA BONHAM CARTER’S FACE on it.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Hello Sam. Thank you. You have lured Christian Bale here. Our plan all along was to release you, at which point you could earn his trust and tell him that his teenage father has been captured, causing him to attempt a rescue that we could anticipate and prevent!

SAM WORTHINGTON

Why not just kill his teenage father?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

…

SAM WORTHINGTON

Did you seriously not think of this?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

CHRISTIAN BALE arrives and is attacked by CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, HOLY SHIT! ARNOLD throws CHRISTIAN around a lot rather than snapping his neck, just to be NICE.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Whoa, I’m getting my ass kicked by the first T-800. It’s kind of too bad you had to be CGI, though.

CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Are you kidding? This is the most realistic performance of my career.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Well it’s costing about a million dollars per frame, so let’s move this along.

CHRISTIAN BALE dumps a load of MOLTEN STEEL on ARNOLD and it melts his skin off, converting him back into a regular boring robot.

CHRISTIAN BALE

What the fuck? That was molten steel. That’s the thing that kills you in Terminator 2.

CHRISTIAN escapes ARNOLD and finds ANTON.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Anton! It’s very important you live. It’s also very important you switch from briefs to boxers, you gotta keep that sperm count up.

ANTON YELCHIN

We need to destroy this factory, especially considering that it’s not supposed to exist for like 10 more years.

CHRISTIAN BALE

We can detonate the power cells. Terminators are powered by explosive nuclear cells.

ANTON YELCHIN

Lemme make sure I have the rules straight. Things that can go back in time: metal endoskeletons, computer chips, liquid metal, robots with rocket launcher arms, small nuclear devices. Things that cannot: a gun, clothing.

CHRISTIAN and ANTON detonate the nuclear cells and survive the ensuing nuclear explosion.

EXT. BACK AT RESISTANCE HEADQUARTERS

CHRISTIAN is severely injured from the encounter. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD and SAM WORTHINGTON fret over him.

CHRISTIAN BALE

The T-800 ruptured my heart. The fact that I’ve survived longer than 0.2 seconds is astonishing.

SAM WORTHINGTON

I shall achieve true terminator salvation. Bryce, give Christian my heart.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Yeah, I’m a veterinarian. Unless you’re both kitty cats, this is a bad plan.

BRYCE somehow saves CHRISTIAN but everyone probably dies a year later from being exposed to nuclear radiation nonstop for ten years.

Somehow MCG manages to make another sequel anyway.

END

FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE – CANADA, 1845

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN, who kind of resembles the kid from FREAKS AND GEEKS, is sick in bed.  His brother, YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER, glowers over him while his father, PETER O’BRIEN, looks on.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Father!  I had a terrible nightmare!  I was hosting the Oscars, and I was part of this incredibly embarrassing musical number and–

PETER O’BRIEN

Shh, it’s alright son.  You’re safe now, back in Canada in 1845.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Wait, what?  Canada wasn’t even a country until 1867.  Has Hollywood managed to not discover Wikipedia yet?

Suddenly, there is a RUCKUS downstairs.

PETER O’BRIEN

It sounds like your brother’s biological father is downstairs.  I’ll be back in a minute, barring some tragic death that you’d expect to shape the very hairy man you will become but won’t.

He goes downstairs and is SHOT.  YOUNG HUGH, who suddenly doesn’t seem to be bedridden with illness, runs downstairs.  Seeing PETER dead, his knuckles get an ERECTION and he stabs YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER’S father, AARON JEFFERY.

AARON JEFFERY

He wasn’t your father.  I was.  You’ll have awesome mutton chops.

(dies)

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

I’m so confused, who the hell is related to whom then?

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

The only thing I know for certain is that mom’s a slut.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Well, the women in the audience didn’t come to see some pale kid in a robe.  We should go ahead and skip to shirtless adulthood.

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

Yeah, let’s go fight for our country in war!

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

We’re Canadian, buddy.

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

Let’s go fight for the United States in war for some reason!

HUGH and LIEV grow up and fight in the American Civil War, World War I, World War II, and the Vietnam War.

Eventually LIEV tries to rape someone, but his squad tries to stop him at gunpoint.  Despite the fact that he knows bullets can’t hurt LIEV, HUGH JACKMAN stops them and needlessly shows them his claws as well to move the story along.

They get a visit from DANNY HUSTON.

DANNY HUSTON

I heard you guys have some powers.

HUGH JACKMAN

Yes, I can heal myself and grow huge bone claws.

LIEV SCHREIBER

And I can heal myself and grow my fingernails out an inch or so.

DANNY HUSTON

Growing fingernails?  Wasn’t that Meg Griffin’s power in an episode of Family Guy?

LIEV SCHREIBER

I also can grow slightly less retarded-looking facial hair than Hugh.

DANNY HUSTON

I’d like you both to join my mutant team, it’s mostly made up of actors who were written off of Lost.

HUGH JACKMAN

I’ll join your team without any apparent surprise at the existence of other mutants.

HUGH and LIEV join DANNY’S TEAM: KEVIN DURAND, DOMINIC MONAGHAN, DANIEL HENNEY, WILL.I.AM, and RYAN REYNOLDS.

DANIEL HENNEY

I’m Daniel, I have really good aim with guns that already have scopes on them.

WILL.I.AM

I have a combination of Nightcrawler’s power and the power to make any credits sequence look stupid using only my name.

DOMINIC MONAGHAN

I have the power to control electrical objects.  When the plot requires it, I can also control mechanical objects.  Hold on while I land this plane.

KEVIN DURAND

I have indestructible skin and eventually I turn into a huge fat guy named The Blob after I go on my all-Arby’s diet.  Despite my skin power, I got a tattoo that has no relevance to the plot and only serves to make it more difficult to understand what my power is.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I’m good with swords.  I also have the power to take completely unfunny lines and deliver them so sarcastically that the audience thinks they’re jokes.

LIEV SCHREIBER

You look familiar.  Aren’t you Blade’s buddy?  Shouldn’t there be a rule against an actor playing two different characters from the Marvel universe?  Unless you’re Rebecca Romijn and you’re nude and painted blue for one of them, obviously.

HUGH JACKMAN

So let’s see, the leftover Marvel comics characters we got for this movie are a guy with extremely good aim, someone who uses various sharp metal weapons, and a ridiculously fat guy.  Did I walk onto the set for Daredevil?

They all break into a building to steal some METEORITE while LIEV SCHREIBER is wire-lifted into the roof of the building to apparently do absolutely nothing.

They kill twenty or so people, but when they kill the twenty-first person HUGH protests.

HUGH JACKMAN

That’s enough!  I didn’t sign up for this.

DANNY HUSTON

What exactly did you think you were signing up for?

HUGH JACKMAN

I’m not sure, but you guys are so boring that it’s making me miss Halle Berry and that’s downright criminal.  I’m out of here.

HUGH leaves to go be a lumberjack in CANADA, eh.

EXT. CANADA – 6 YEARS LATER

HUGH leaves his house at the top of a mountain and starts his four-hour commute to work.  After his girlfriend, LYNN COLLINS, cuts his dick off and feeds it to him in front of his workmates, he gets a visit from DANNY HUSTON.

DANNY HUSTON

Someone is going around killing our old team members.  Dominic Monaghan is dead.

HUGH JACKMAN

How entirely unlike Watchmen.

DANNY HUSTON

An autopsy revealed he was extremely disinterested when he was killed, which makes me think it must have been Liev Schreiber.

HUGH JACKMAN

Somehow, it doesn’t even occur to me that my girlfriend may be in danger.  Go away.

LIEV kills LYNN COLLINS, sending HUGH into a HAIRY RAGE.  He tracks down LIEV and they FIGHT.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Person who fights with the poorest wirework wins!

LIEV beats HUGH by dropping a bunch of LOGS THAT DON’T OBEY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS on him.

DANNY HUSTON

Alright, people have had enough of this mysterious background nonsense.  Let’s get you some metal claws so we can have another fight scene.

HUGH JACKMAN

Then why did we even bother making a prequel?  Didn’t we learn enough about how I got the metal claws in the second X-Men movie?

DANNY HUSTON

It wasn’t quite covered in unnecessary excruciating detail.  That’s really the point of this movie, if you couldn’t tell by the excruciatingly detailed title, which helpfully lets audience members know that this isn’t a movie about just anyone named Wolverine, but specifically the one from X-Men.

HUGH JACKMAN

At least it’s better than the draft title, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Guy With The Claws That’s In The Other Three X-Men Movies But This One Happens Before Those.

HUGH has his skeleton coated in METAL, which also coincidentally shapes his ROUND BONE CLAWS into nice sharp blades.

DANNY HUSTON

It worked!  Alright, now that he can’t be defeated and there’s no way whatsoever for us to control him, let’s kill him.

This FAILS.  HUGH jumps out of his WATER TANK and escapes after apparently taking the time to completely dry himself and his hair.  He hides out on JONATHAN AND MARTHA KENT’S FARM.

EXT. SOME FARM – STILL IN CANADA I GUESS

JONATHAN KENT finds HUGH in his BARN, naked.

JONATHAN KENT

Rather than call the police, I’m going to invite you into my house.  That’s how we roll in Canada.

HUGH goes to the bathroom and stares at his claws a bit.

HUGH JACKMAN

I can’t believe this.

JONATHAN KENT

What, that you survived having your skeleton coated in indestructible metal?

HUGH JACKMAN

No, that my computer-generated claws somehow look even less real in this movie than they did in a movie that came out nine fucking years ago.

JONATHAN KENT

No kidding.  This hardly looks any better than the leaked workprint.

(pause)

Errrrr, uh, so I’ve heard!

(pause)

Please don’t fire me, Fox!

JONATHAN is SHOT by DANIEL HENNEY.

HUGH JACKMAN

No! I can’t believe the ultra powerful government agency that tracked me to the remote Canadian Rockies was able to track me to this farm!

JONATHAN KENT

I want you to take this leather jacket and motorcycle.  They used to belong to my son, but what’s that asshole ever done for me besides not attract a mutant assassin to my home to murder me and my wife?

(dies)

HUGH JACKMAN

At long last, the secret behind some leather jacket is finally revealed! Now that’s what I call an origin story!

HUGH launches himself at DANIEL’S HELICOPTER, DIE HARD STYLE, and cuts through the helicopter like WARM BUTTER.  The HELICOPTER crashes.

DANIEL HENNEY

You can’t kill me, Hugh.  You hate me, so you wouldn’t be able to kneel next to my dead body and scream into the sky as the camera zooms out above you.

HUGH JACKMAN

That’s true, but I could ignite your helicopter fuel and walk away in slow motion as it explodes behind me.

DANIEL HENNEY

Damn, an even more overused cliche. Touche, Hugh.

HUGH does this, then apparently rides his motorcycle 1,200 miles to LAS VEGAS in a day.

INT. GYMNASIUM – LAS VEGAS

HUGH finds WILL.I.AM and KEVIN DURAND WEARING THE FAT BASTARD MAKEUP.

HUGH JACKMAN

Holy crap Kevin, what that hell have you done for the last 6 years?

KEVIN DURAND

Well I starred in my own spin-off: Glutty Professor 2: The Blobs.

WIL.I.AM

Are you looking for Liev?  Because he and Danny work together on some island, rounding up mutants to build some kind of supermutant.  That’s why he wanted to experiment on you: to get your super-healing DNA.

HUGH JACKMAN

Why did he bother actually giving me the adamantium, then?

WILL.I.AM

Dude, just give up on trying to get this movie to make sense and go have another CGI fight scene.

KEVIN DURAND

If you want to find the island, you need to visit this guy that escaped named Taylor Kitsch.  They call him Gambit since that’s the only X-Men character anyone gives a shit about who hasn’t been in a movie yet.

HUGH JACKMAN

What better way could you treat a well-loved X-Men character than with an awkward, pointless cameo?

HUGH hops on his motorcycle and rides 1,700 miles to NEW ORLEANS.

INT. BAR – NEW ORLEANS

HUGH finds TAYLOR KITSCH playing POKER and making cards float around in the air, because other poker players just love it when their opponents display superhuman abilities with cards.

HUGH JACKMAN

Are you Geeymmbit?

(coughs)

Sorry, kangaroo in my throat. Gambit.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Depends, am I going to have to star in my own X-Men Origins movie if I am?

HUGH JACKMAN

I doubt it, your performance will probably kill any chances of that happening.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Then yes.  How can I help you awkwardly force the plot forward?

HUGH JACKMAN

I need you to get me back to the island where Liev Schreiber is hiding.  I want to kill him.

Suddenly, LIEV shows up and fights HUGH.  TAYLOR, oblivious to the fact that HUGH is about to kill his nemesis, does nothing but get in HUGH’S way. 

HUGH knocks TAYLOR out, which apparently teleports him to the top of a nearby roof so he jumps down and stops HUGH again.  LIEV gets away.

HUGH JACKMAN

Seriously?  One of the coolest X-Men of all time and your role in the movie is just to get in the titular character’s way like a bumbling sidekick? 

TAYLOR KITSCH

How about I make it up to you by flying you 1,150 miles to Liev’s hideout on Three Mile Island on my prop plane?

HUGH JACKMAN

My magic motorcycle could probably get me there in under 6 minutes, but fine.

They fly to THREE MILE ISLAND, where LIEV and DANNY have imprisoned all of the X-MEN CHARACTERS that haven’t been in a movie yet.

INT. POWER PLANT – THREE MILE ISLAND

HUGH frees a bunch of kids, including a YOUNG JAMES MARSDEN.

YOUNG JAMES MARSDEN

Thanks for freeing me, faceless stranger.  I wish I could see you, but I have to wear a blindfold since I don’t have the optic-blast-blocking sunglasses that I somehow managed to find or make or something.

HUGH JACKMAN

Great.  Well, make sure you don’t listen to any of your new friends when they tell you about the super-hairy guy with metal claws that freed you, otherwise the first X-Men movie won’t even make as much sense as this piece of shit.

HUGH JACKMAN finds DANNY HUSTON building a new SUPERMUTANT, SILENT RYAN REYNOLDS.

DANNY HUSTON

Hello Hugh.  As you can see, I’ve sealed Ryan Reynolds’s mouth shut.

HUGH JACKMAN

You took a character nicknamed “The Merc with a Mouth” and sealed said mouth shut?  That’s like making a Spiderman movie where he can’t shoot web. Or a Fantastic Four movie that doesn’t suck.

DANNY HUSTON

Just hold on a second while I type “Decapitate” into the application that controls Ryan.  I have to type everything because we spent all our money on adamantium and couldn’t afford Visual Basic licenses.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Decapitate: Permission Denied.

DANNY HUSTON

Ack!  Sudo decapitate.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Huston is not in the sudoers file.  This incident will be reported.

DANNY HUSTON

Fuck me, su root && decapitate!

RYAN pushes ADAMANTIUM KATANAS out of his arms to fight HUGH while saying nothing, his lips sealed shut in a way that somehow prevents his new healing ability from repairing them.

HUGH JACKMAN

Fucking Deadpool has fucking retractable katanas?  How does that even work, they’re twice as long as his arms?!

RYAN kicks HUGH’S ASS, so LIEV rescues him.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Nobody kills you but me, brother.

HUGH JACKMAN

Is that line really all we’re going to do to justify the two of us working together?  It’s kind of disturbing to think of a screenwriter actually writing that line and then moving on.

HUGH and LIEV fight RYAN.  RYAN unleashes OPTIC BLASTS against LIEV, because apparently he has those too and he has better control over them than the mutant whose DNA he used.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Arrgghh! Somehow your optic blasts don’t even burn my clothing!

HUGH JACKMAN

It’s a good thing the audience doesn’t know we both survive because of first X-Men movie, otherwise this scene would be utterly lacking any suspense!

While RYAN is distracted, HUGH slices his head off and pushes him into a COOLING TOWER.

The SILENT VILLIAN that wields DOUBLE BLADES falls down a large open SHAFT, his body SPLITTING as it falls.

HUGH JACKMAN

Awesome.  We’ve managed to rip off the worst of the Star Wars movies now.  Are we done yet or are there any more cool X-Men characters this movie wants to ruin?

DANNY shows up with a gun loaded with ADAMANTIUM BULLETS.

HUGH JACKMAN

Adamantium bullets?  Maybe you should try an adamantium stake through the heart or adamantium garlic while you’re at it.

DANNY HUSTON

My understanding is also that you can’t see your own reflection in an adamantium mirror.

DANNY shoots HUGH in the head.

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh no, I can’t remember anything!

DANNY HUSTON

Because shooting you in the head destroyed your memories?

HUGH JACKMAN

No, because this is the most unmemorable comic book movie since Catwoman.  Who am I?  Where am I?  What year is it?

DANNY HUSTON

Well, it’s 1979, not that the costuming or set decoration give you any indication that’s the case.  Here, have some 2009-era currency.

THE CAMERA zooms into the sky, providing a bird’s eye view of an island that goes out of its way not to actually look like THREE MILE ISLAND.

X-MEN ORIGINS: THAT GUY THAT CAN MAKE LIGHT BULBS TURN ON WITH HIS MIND is rushed into production.

END

FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES

PAUL RUDD proposes to his girlfriend, KAREN FILIPELLI.

KAREN FILIPELLI

I’m so excited to marry you, Blandy McNobody! Who is going to be your best man?

PAUL RUDD

Oh no, I don’t have any really good male friends, so I have no best man! What a humorously relatable situation! I’ll go ask my brother, Andy Samberg, for advice!

KAREN FILIPELLI

Wait, you have a brother?

PAUL RUDD

Yeah. He’s gay, which is funny.

KAREN FILIPELLI

Why not just make him your best man?

PAUL RUDD

Oh. Er, right. That was easy. I guess the movie’s over.

KAREN FILIPELLI

Guess so.

JASON SEGEL

Am I the new Will Ferrell yet?

END

FADE IN:

INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN’S APARTMENT

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a SHITTY SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!

Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Wait! Don’t kill me!  I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.

(bleeds)

Okay, ready.

RABID FANBOIS

Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.

The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window.  This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY, wearing a mask made of AMAZON KINDLE ELECTRONIC INK, investigates JEFFREY’S APARTMENT and discovers he was the masked vigilante THE COMEDIAN.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY (V.O.)

(growling)

Jackie’s Journal: A comedian died tonight.  And I’m not talking about a Carlos Mencia performance. Someone is going around killing masked heroes, and I’m going to find out who sometime within the next three excruciating hours.  Hope everyone went to the bathroom already.

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR

JACKIE meets up with PATRICK WILSON in his secret hideout.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Patrick, someone is killing superheros, so you should watch your back.

PATRICK WILSON

Any particular reason you’re whispering as loudly as possible?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I just finished watching The Dark Knight.  This is how superheroes talk, isn’t it?

PATRICK WILSON

Fair enough. I pretty much stole my costume from that movie. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about the superhero killer coming after me.  I haven’t worn my superhero costume since masked vigilantism was outlawed in the totally alternate 1970’s!  Everything is so alternate here!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I know!  And New Coke was never released after Pepsi got the superhero endorsement!

PATRICK WILSON

Ohmigod so alternate!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Not to mention how Microsoft skipped over Windows 1.0 and went straight to Windows ME!

PATRICK WILSON

My mind is blown, holy shit alternate reality!

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY

JACKIE breaks into a MILITARY RESEARCH FACILITY to meet with BILLY CRUDUP and MALIN AKERMAN.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Hey.  Nice to see you again, fellow superheroes.

MALIN AKERMAN

Fellow superheroes?  The only one of us with any goddamn powers is Billy.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

That’s not true.  My mask changes patterns randomly for some reason, that’s kind of like a power.  And what about your power to still have a career after starring in The Heartbreak Kid?

BILLY CRUDUP

Enough chit-chat.  I have very important work to do with this nuclear something-or-other.  What do you want, Jackie?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Honestly, there’s nothing in the world I want more than for you to drape something over that big blue glowing penis of yours.

BILLY CRUDUP

If only you could perceive my big blue penis in four dimensions, as I do.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Yeah, that actually sounds like some kind of hell.  Anyway, I came by to find out if you had any idea who was murdering Watchmen.

BILLY CRUDUP

Isn’t it obvious? Zack Snyder.

JACKIE leaves to go do some brooding elsewhere while MALIN visits her mother, CARLA GUGINO.

INT. CARLA GUGINO’S HOUSE

MALIN is teleported to her MOTHER’S HOUSE.

MALIN AKERMAN

Mom, I came here to tell you that Jeffery Dean Morgan is dead.

CARLA GUGINO

Mom?  We’re like the same age.  My “old person makeup” looks worse than Adam Sandler’s from Click.  Are people buying this?

MALIN AKERMAN

Did you hear me?  That asshole The Comedian is dead.  The guy that raped you!  That’s right, RAPED! In a comic book movie! Because the one thing missing from Spiderman was some FUCKING RAPE.

CARLA GUGINO

He wasn’t so bad.  He only raped me because it was such a simple way to establish that this comic book story is for adults.

MALIN AKERMAN

Mom, there’s no such thing as comics for adults.  There are just comics for kids and comics for kids that they have to hide from their parents because they contain drawings of boobs.

Meanwhile, various SUPERHEROES attend the funeral of JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN and treat the audience to a handful of flashbacks including MATTHEW GOODE’s formation of the WATCHMEN, society’s revolt against vigilantism, and this one time in Vietnam where JEFFREY was replaced by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY

Later, BILLY CRUDUP, BILLY CRUDUP, and BILLY CRUDUP are all having sex with MALIN AKERMAN.  Suddenly, she stops him.

MALIN AKERMAN

What the… why are there three versions of you having sex with me?

BILLY CRUDUP

What?  I thought you had a fantasy of being gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.

MALIN AKERMAN

Well, of course I do, but still… that was easily the third strangest group sex I’ve ever had.

MALIN notices another copy of BILLY working on his nuclear THINGAMAJIG.

MALIN AKERMAN

What the fuck?  You’re working in here too?  Why did you even say you wanted to have sex if you would have rather worked?

BILLY CRUDUP

It’s not like that, Malin.  I definitely needed to get laid.  After all… I’ve got blue balls.

MALIN AKERMAN

…

BILLY CRUDUP

Hey-oooo!

MALIN AKERMAN

Ugh.  I’m leaving you, Billy.

BILLY CRUDUP

Please don’t dump me, Malin.  It would make me so… blue.  Eh?  Eh?

MALIN leaves to go see PATRICK WILSON.  Upset, BILLY teleports himself to MARS and builds a GIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT to WALK AROUND ON.

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR

JACKIE EARLE HALEY returns to PATRICK WILSON’S LAIR.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I think I’ve figured out who killed Jeffrey.

PATRICK WILSON

Oh?  Let me guess.  It would have to be one of the main superheroes to have any impact.  He didn’t glow blue, he was too tall to be Malin, and it couldn’t have been either of us.  Must be that douchebag Matthew Goode.  That was easy, did that take you the entire movie?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

… God dammit.  Jackie’s Journal: Patrick Wilson is a dick.

JACKIE and PATRICK fly to MATTHEW GOODE’S FORTRESS OF SMARMITUDE using a SHIP SHAPED LIKE E.T.’S HEAD.

INT. MATTHEW GOODE’S HIDEOUT

JACKIE and PATRICK enter MATTHEW’S HIDEOUT.

MATTHEW GOODE

Welcome to my fortress, fellow do-gooders!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Cut the crap, Matthew.  We know you killed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

MATTHEW GOODE

But of course!  Would you like me to explain why as I stroke my tigercatrabbit?

PATRICK WILSON

Er, actually, yeah, are you going to explain that thing at all?

MATTHEW GOODE

Who, Mr. Meowkins?  He’s my pet.

PATRICK WILSON

Right.  I figured that.  But it’s kind of distracting, don’t you think you should at least explain–

MATTHEW GOODE

My evil plot?  Certainly!  You see, people are heading toward nuclear annihilation.  What I’m doing is detonating energy bombs all over the world, which will look like the work of Billy Crudup.  Then, rather than destroy each other, all of the nations of the world will unite after this tragedy, ushering in an era of world peace that will probably last five or six years.

PATRICK WILSON

You mean to tell me that you believe that if people thought that Billy Crudup, the very tool by which the United States exercised it’s power over other nations, were responsible for destroying cities all over the world, that the world’s response would be to join hands with us rather than unite to kill us for creating the problem that led to their demise?

MATTHEW GOODE

Ummm…

PATRICK WILSON

And you’re supposedly “the smartest man alive.”  Smarter than the guy that can see time.

MATTHEW GOODE

Look, it’s better than the thing with the squid.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Alright, you know what time it is?

MATTHEW GOODE

One minute to midnight on the cheesy doomsday clock symbol?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

No, time for a slow motion fight scene!

They all FIGHT in SLLLOOOOOOOWWWW MOOOTTTIIOONNN. THENSUDDENLYFASTMOTION! Then SLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW MOOOOTTIIIIOOONNNN AAAGGGAAIIIINNNN.

PATRICK WILSON

Can we hurry this along?  I’m getting really sweaty in this thing and my costume is starting to smell like baked asshair.

Suddenly, BILLY and MALIN teleport onto the scene.

MATTHEW GOODE

Ah, Billy, glad you could join us.  I was just telling the rest of the gang about how I’m framing you for murdering thousands.

BILLY CRUDUP

It doesn’t matter.  Humans have the same number of particles whether living or dead.

MATTHEW GOODE

What?  That’s not accurate at all.  Think about that for a second. That’s like saying humans consist of the same number of particles whether full or starving.

BILLY CRUDUP

Either way, I don’t value human life, so do whatever you want.

(pause)

Actually, I value human life now.  I can’t let you destroy so many lives.

(pause)

Upon further reflection, I value life, but I’m not going to stop your plan.  I’ll just teleport out of here and go create some life myself.

(teleports)

*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***

CITIES all across the world are VAPORIZED.  It’s DEPRESSING, just like the COMIC BOOK.  The movie tries to end on a high note, but FAILS.

ZACK SNYDER

I did it!  Alan Moore said Watchmen was “inherently unfilmable” but I pulled it off!  Not so bad, was it Alan Moore?

ALAN MOORE

Film is an inferior form of art, spoon-feeding audience goers and watering down our collective cultural imagination.  This movie was garbage, as are all movies.

ZACK SNYDER

Dude. You write comic books.  Stop acting like you’re fucking Monet, you pretentious jackass.

The RABID FANBOIS leave the theater and NOBODY ELSE WATCHES THE MOVIE.

END

FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NEW ORLEANS – 2005

CATE BLANCHETT IN GEEZER MAKEUP talks to her daughter, JULIA ORMOND.

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

My dear, I want you to ignore the storm outside that may or may not be Hurricane Katrina so I can tell you a wonderful story of fantastical whimsy.  A story about a man who was born old and grew younger!

JULIA ORMOND

That does sound whimsical!  I sure hope it doesn’t wind up devolving into a pointless self-important 3-hour mass of melodramatic sentimentality!

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

Oh. That’s unfortunate. Anyway, once upon a time, some guy made a clock that ran backwards.

JULIA ORMOND

What does that have to do with the “man born old and grows young” story?

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

The what?  Look, I’m older than dirt now, I just ramble.  Here, read from this diary.

JULIA reads from the diary of BRAD PITT.  For some reason the diary includes details of his birth.

EXT. NEW ORLEANS – 1918

A woman gives birth to WHITE BABY YODA and her husband is repulsed.  He drops the BABY off at an OLD FOLKS HOME where it is taken in by TARAJI P. HENSON.

TARAJI P. HENSON

This is one of God’s children, so I must take care of him.

MAHERSHALALHASHBAZ ALI

One of God’s freaky, hideous, unwanted children.

TARAJI P. HENSON

Now shush up you– holy shit is that really your name? Mahershalalhashbaz?

MAHERSHALALHASHBAZ ALI

Yeah.  It’s from the Bible.

TARAJI P. HENSON

It looks like the writer of this Abridged Script tried to type something with his dick.  Anyway, we’re going to take care of this child.  The doctor says he shouldn’t live much longer since he has the body of an old man.

WHITE BABY YODA turns into BRAD PITT IN GEEZER MAKEUP.

BRAD PITT (GEEZER)

Momma, I think I may be getting younger instead of older.  Either that or I’m turning into E.T.

TARAJI P. HENSON

Of course! That explains why I caught you masturbating to “The Golden Girls!”

BRAD PITT IN GEEZER MAKEUP eventually meets 7-YEAR-OLD CATE BLANCHETT.  BRAD gives her a note asking “Do you like me? Circle Yes or No” and she circles “Yes!”

AUDIENCE

Er, am I seriously watching an 80-year-old man and a 7-year-old girl fall in love?  I feel like I might go to jail just for buying a ticket to this shit.

CATE grows into a teenager while BRAD PITT grows into BRAD PITT CIRCA “OCEAN’S 24.”

BRAD PITT (OCEAN’S 24)

I’ve consulted the script for “Forrest Gump” and it looks like the next thing I need to do is work on a boat with a drunk captain and travel the world.

TARAJI P. HENSON

Okay.  Remember, if you ever need to come home to the smell of death, this old folk’s home will always be here.

BRAD travels the world and meets TILDA SWINTON, the wife of an English diplomat.

TILDA SWINTON

Despite the fact that you’re starting to look like the crazy homeless guy at the bus stop, I find myself attracted to you.  Let’s have an affair.

BRAD PITT (OCEAN’S 24)

Alright, but you’re not still seeing George Clooney, are you?  That guy shot me in the face.

BRAD and TILDA have an affair, which eventually ends. BRAD decides to go to NEW YORK to find CATE BLANCHETT after he grows into BRAD PITT CIRCA “SLEEPERS 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO”

EXT. NEW YORK

BRAD finds CATE dancing in a Broadway ballet troupe.

BRAD PITT (SLEEPERS 2)

I love you Cate.  Let’s get married!

CATE BLANCHETT

I can’t marry you!

BRAD PITT (SLEEPERS 2)

Because you’re still young and not done sowing your wild oats with the guys in your ballet troupe?

CATE BLANCHETT

What?  No, these guys are in ballet, they’re gayer than Aquaman.  Listen, I’m not going to marry Brad Fucking Pitt and get stuck driving him to prostate exams and shit.  Let’s wait until you’re a bit younger.

(gets hit by car)

On second thought, now that my dancing career is destroyed I’d like to revise my prior statement.

They get married and BRAD PITT gets to stop wearing makeup for a few scenes.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL – NEW ORLEANS – 2005

JULIA ORMOND

I’m sorry Mom, is this story going anywhere at all?  I mean so far I could have literally skipped any part of this thing and it would have made no impact whatsoever.  Is there a point to this?

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

Sure there is.  Haven’t you ever heard a family-friendly comedian make a joke about how old people and babies both wear diapers and don’t know the people at their birthday parties?

JULIA ORMOND

Of course.  It’s one of the lamest jokes in the world.

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

Well, imagine if that joke got turned into a super-serious 3-hour movie.  Wouldn’t that be grand?

JULIA ORMOND

No, no it wouldn’t.  Not at all. David Fincher has canceled out “Se7en.”

A TV NEWS STATION in the background mentions HURRICANE KATRINA just in case there are any MORONS in the AUDIENCE that haven’t figured out where the movie is going yet.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA – 1960′S

BRAD PITT and CATE BLANCHETT celebrate the few scenes in which neither of them have to wear makeup by having sex.  Eventually, they have a child and BRAD grows into BRAD PITT CIRCA “FIGHT CLUB”

BRAD PITT (FIGHT CLUB)

As a character in a movie written by Eric Roth, I have so far been able to avoid making any decisions of my own, as everyone around me has made the decisions for me.  But now I have a real problem to tackle: how are we going to deal with the fact that our baby is going to have a father that she might run into at the prom?

CATE BLANCHETT

Truly a thought-provoking predicament.  I suppose there are a number of ways that a well-written screenplay could tackle such a difficult–

BRAD PITT (FIGHT CLUB)

(riding away on motorcycle)

Buh-bye!

CATE BLANCHETT raises their daughter while BRAD grows into BRAD PITT CIRCA “THELMA AND LOUISE”.  After a while, he returns, so young that his face is computer generated.

CGI BRAD PITT

I see that our daughter is growing up normally.  And you seem to have remarried a generic male with no personality or lines, good work.

CATE BLANCHETT

Look at you.  You look like you belong on the Disney channel.  Why did you leave me?

CGI BRAD PITT

I saw your performance in the new Indiana Jones movie and I couldn’t look at you with a straight face anymore.  I’m sorry.

CATE BLANCHETT

Fair enough.  Why did you come back?

CGI BRAD PITT

I just came by to see how are you are doing.  Since my brain is still getting older, I’m going to check into the old folk’s home and watch Jeopardy with the volume turned up all the way.

CATE BLANCHETT

Alright.  I’ll come by from time to time to help you pop your pimples.

More time passes and CATE occasionally checks on BRAD at the OLD FOLK’S HOME.

DOCTOR

Ma’am, your grandson or whoever may look like he’s fourteen, but his mind shows signs of geezerism.  We found this diary, which is apparently filled with writings despite the fact that he never wrote in it.

CATE talks to BRAD as a teenage boy.

TEENAGE BRAD PITT

It’s sweet that you keep checking in on me.

CATE BLANCHETT

Sweet nothing, you were born as tiny old man, I just want to see if you turn into a gigantic baby before you die.

TEENAGE BRAD PITT

That would be awesome.

Eventually BABY BRAD dies. 

INT. HOSPITAL – NEW ORLEANS – 2005

JULIA ORMOND closes the diary and looks at up CATE IN GEEZER MAKEUP.

JULIA ORMOND

Wow, mom.  You expect me to believe all this nonsense?  This is ripped off from a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, except he knew well enough to make it a farce instead of a serious drama.

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

No, it’s true, I swear. 

JULIA ORMOND

Mom, if “Forrest Gump” and “Memento” gave birth to a giant wrinkled kid, it would be this movie.  This is schmaltz, plain and simple.  What was the point of all of this?

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

That time is precious?

JULIA ORMOND

And yet, this movie wasted three hours of it.  Speaking of which, we’re almost at the 3-hour mark, so I guess it’s time to watch Director David Fincher shamefully exploit a national tragedy.

HURRICANE KATRINA hits.  There are scenes of water rushing into buildings just to torture the audience members that managed to sit through the entire movie without a bathroom break.

END

FADE IN:

EXT. NORTHERN AUSTRALIA

NICOLE KIDMAN is taking INDIANA-JONES-TRANSITION-AIRLINES to AUSTRALIA to help sell her husbands CATTLE RANCH, FARAWAY DOWNS. She runs into HUGH JACKMAN doing manly things like fighting.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Excuse me, I’m looking for someone with an adamantium skeleton to help me get to my husband’s cattle ranch. Would you mind?

HUGH JACKMAN

Sure thing, love. Let me jus’ bash yer suitcase over some fella’s head like this is a Tom ‘n’ Jerry cartoon.

NICOLE KIDMAN

You’re not going to do that overblown phony Australian accent the whole movie, are you?

HUGH JACKMAN

Actually, I’m originally from Australia just like you. This is an authentic accent, we actually sound like this.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Australia sucks.

HUGH JACKMAN

Funny, that’s exactly what everyone’s been saying when they leave the movie theater.

HUGH fights people using NICOLE’S LUGGAGE, causing her undergarments to fly around and embarrass her, how delightful!

NICOLE KIDMAN

Let me introduce myself. My name is Sarah.

HUGH JACKMAN

Hmm. Not sissy enough to contrast my rugged manliness.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Sarah Ashley. That’s two girly names.

HUGH JACKMAN

Better. I think I’ll call you Lady Sarah Ashley to be safe. I’m your husband’s cattle drover, Mister–

NICOLE KIDMAN

There’s no time for your name, we have to cram in a western, a murder mystery, a war movie, a romance, a tragedy, some native mysticism, and a message about racism. I’ll just call you “Drover”.

They set off toward FARAWAY DOWNS. NICOLE finds that her husband has been killed.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Faced with my husband’s death, I see no option other than to drive these cattle to the seaport and sell them to the army. Either that or collect his life insurance and get the fuck out of this hellhole.

HUGH JACKMAN

But all we have is a ragtag group of inexperienced ranchers. We’re doomed unless you were to suddenly discover the strong, iron-willed rancher inside of you.

NICOLE KIDMAN

No problem, I’ll just use my script from Cold Mountain. Alright, introduce me to our crew, Ms. Zellweger.

BRANDON WALTERS

I’m a mixed-race boy living on the ranch in secret! You may think that, because I narrated the movie that I’m the main character, but in fact my role as a non-white is merely to help you white folks with your problems.

NICOLE KIDMAN

What an offensive movie cliche. I don’t suppose you have magical powers too.

BRANDON WALTERS

As a matter of fact, I do! Baz Luhrmann left no cliche unturned.

NICOLE KIDMAN

God. Alright well, let’s drive these cattle to the city! It’ll be like City Slickers, except depressingly unfunny.

HUGH JACKMAN

So, exactly like City Slickers.

BRANDON, NICOLE, HUGH, and a few other forgettable characters drive the cattle while trying as hard as possible to make the tonal shift from SCREWBALL COMEDY to WESTERN work at all.

NICOLE KIDMAN

As a proper Englishwoman, I want to make absolutely sure that I don’t get along with a rugged outdoorsman such as yourself until at least 3 scenes which show off your bare chest, at which point we may fall in love.

HUGH JACKMAN

Sounds good on the sole condition that you show absolutely no skin at all.

Every possible scene that anyone who has ever seen a movie before could foresee happens EXACTLY as they would predict, including a scene in which the mustache-twirling villain, DAVID WENHAM, causes a stampede in the middle of the night!

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh no! Our cattle are running off a cliff!

NICOLE KIDMAN

They must have heard that this movie is nearly three hours long! After them!

BRANDON stops the stampede, now in the middle of the afternoon for some reason.

DAVID WENHAM

You may have won this round, but you haven’t seen the last of Davidly Whiplash!

Eventually, NICOLE, HUGH, and BRANDON get the cattle to the town of DARWIN! The army pays for the cattle, who are ushered onto a ship to be slaughtered. Everyone celebrates except VEGETARIANS, who find this to be one of the most fucked up movie scenes ever.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I’ve been invited to a grand ball since that’s the only thing missing from this movie. Would you care to join me?

HUGH JACKMAN

Hmm. Will I have to shave?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Only your face. You can leave that sasquatch on your chest. Feel free to strike an utterly ridiculous pose when you enter as well.

BRANDON WALTERS

What should I do for the end of the movie, Ms. Kidman?

NICOLE KIDMAN

You should help us pay homage to The Wizard of Oz. And by pay homage, I mean rip fistfuls of the movie out and shove them awkwardly into this one.

HUGH JACKMAN

The Wizard of Oz isn’t released in Australia until next year.

NICOLE KIDMAN

What a boneheaded mistake. It becomes a central motif for the rest of the movie.

HUGH JACKMAN

Rest of the movie? The movie’s over, baby. We got the cattle to the ship. Everyone’s happy.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Oh geeze. You didn’t read the script, did you?

HUGH JACKMAN

Of course not. Baz Luhrmann scripts are always written in crayon and have glitter glued all over them.

Suddenly, a whole extra movie about WORLD WAR II is shot with the same cast and appended to the end of this movie.

HUGH, NICOLE, and BRANDON are all separated as the JAPANESE ARMY blows the town to SHIT.

HUGH JACKMAN

In a move that nobody could have possibly seen coming, I’ve decided I want to settle down and be a father after many years of rugged manly outdoor loner things. I must go rescue Brandon. Ruggedly.

He goes to find BRANDON on some random island that’s been blown half to hell. Somehow, this succeeds!

BRANDON WALTERS

I sang you to me!

HUGH JACKMAN

Ugh, what a stupid line. I hope I don’t have to hear you say that fifty more times or anything.

BRANDON WALTERS

Mr. Jackman, can I ask you a question?

HUGH JACKMAN

You want to know how I found you, right? See, I found this row of burnt shoes, which somehow told me something about the kids on this island despite the fact that they are all wearing their shoes…

BRANDON WALTERS

No, I want to know why you’re a movie star. I just realized you haven’t been in a single good movie other than X-Men.

HUGH JACKMAN

You must have never smelled a movie theater full of women when I take my shirt off.

HUGH and BRANDON are reunited with NICOLE. It’s so joyful that the AUDIENCE is supposed to forget about the thousands of other people who were just killed.

HUGH JACKMAN

Will this movie ever end? I’m considering shooting a hole in my skull so I have something to piss into.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I think it’s finally over. Baz Lurhman is sure to be out of genres to cram into this movie by now.

HUGH JACKMAN

Was this even a movie, or was it one of those Oscar recaps with clips from all of the year’s movies spliced together?

NICOLE KIDMAN

With nearly three hours of total film, did we learn anything at all from this movie?

BRANDON WALTERS

Sure we did. Australia sucks.

END

FADE IN:

EXT. WASHINGTON

KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.

KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)

Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephenie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn’t be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.

BILLY BURKE

Hey honey. I’m super lame. I got you a car, but it’s totally uncool because I’m totally uncool.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I’ll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.

KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.

ANNA KENDRICK

Oh my God I love your hair you’re so pretty will you be my new best friend?

GREGORY TYREE BOYCE

Can I take you out sometime since you’re so awesome?

MICHAEL WELCH

No way you asshole, I saw her first!

KRISTEN STEWART

I’d rather watch “The Messengers” than date either of you. Why don’t you go ask Anna instead?

ANNA KENDRICK

Ohmigod I’m getting Kristen’s rejects that’s so awesome!

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl’s pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren’t well-written characters supposed to have flaws?

ANNA KENDRICK

Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you’re a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don’t think so. Let’s make out.

Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.

KRISTEN STEWART

Who’s the albino Wolverine?

ANNA KENDRICK

Oh, him? That’s Robert. He’s universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn’t date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.

KRISTEN STEWART

No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days…

KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow.

KRISTEN STEWART

(swoon)

ROBERT PATTINSON

You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you.

ROBERT and KRISTEN continue not quite interacting with each other and having no chemistry together.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What’s going on?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.

KRISTEN STEWART

Of course! This also explains why the captain of the football team always acted like he hated Stephenie Meyer!

ROBERT PATTINSON

There’s more. I want to eat you.

KRISTEN STEWART

Holy shit, really? I need to go home and do some waxing first, but…

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, I mean literally eat you. I’m a vampire.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hmm. The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70’s.

He DOES.

KRISTEN STEWART

You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Don’t be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It’s like being Spiderman, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.

KRISTEN STEWART

So that’s why why your family moved here, because it’s always overcast!

ROBERT PATTINSON

That’s right everyone, this whole movie is a 2-hour-long setup for a joke about the Pacific Northwest.

KRISTEN STEWART

So if you’re immortal, how old are you anyway?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Over a hundred, but to be fair I’ve spent most of that time working on my hair.

The two of them GAZE into each other’s eyes with UNCOMFORTABLY HUGE CLOSEUPS for 80% of the rest of the movie.

INT. KRISTEN’S BEDROOM

KRISTEN wakes up to find ROBERT watching her sleep.

KRISTEN STEWART

Holy fucking shit! If you weren’t so hot I’d have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?

ROBERT PATTINSON

2 months.

KRISTEN STEWART

But I’ve only lived here one month according to the script.

ROBERT PATTINSN

Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don’t get hung up on shit like that.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh. Well, as long as you’re here I guess we could have sex.

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, I can’t have sex with you! I’d be unable to control myself! I’d bite you and turn you into a vampire! Also I ejaculate boiling venom, so I’d need to wear like fifty condoms.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wait, we can’t have sex at all, and you can’t suck my blood? How can you make a vampire movie without anyone sucking blood?

ROBERT PATTINSON

It’s alright, I think this movie already has more than enough sucking.

INT. BILLY BURKE’S HOUSE

BILLY BURKE is cleaning his gun and drinking a beer while listening to country music.

KRISTEN STEWART

Dad, my boyfriend is coming over to pick me up. Try not to get dork all over him.

BILLY BURKE

Okay, let me meet him after the movie makes the film industry’s ten billionth joke about protective fathers disliking boyfriends.

KRISTEN STEWART

Alright. Oh and also he’s a 100-year-old vampire, don’t say anything racist about vampires, okay?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hello, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kristen has said absolutely nothing about you because you’re so lame.

BILLY BURKE

So I hear you’re a 100 years old. And interested in my 17-year-old daughter. So, mathematically that’s like, what, a 40-year-old dating a 6-year-old?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Ummmmmmmm…

BILLY BURKE

Yeah, so my friend Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here.

KRISTEN STEWART

Dad, you’re embarrassing me almost as much as my acting does! I’m just going over to his house to have dinner with his family, I’ll be back before 11. Unless the ravenous vampires murder me, of course.

BILLY BURKE

Alright, just bring this pepper spray with you. It’s literally the very least I can do to offer it to my teenage daughter.

KRISTEN STEWART

Daaaaad! Stop being such a loser, I don’t need this!

BILLY BURKE

Really? Weren’t you almost raped by four guys earlier in the movie?

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent of physically capable of doing anything on my own. GOD!

ROBERT and KRISTEN go to visit ROBERT’S FAMILY MANSION in the middle of the woods, because of course the FANTASY MALE should be rich, too.

INT. GLASS MANSION

KRISTEN meets ROBERT’S VAMPIRE FAMILY.

KRISTEN STEWART

Jesus, this place is paler than an Anne Rice book signing event. At least it doesn’t smell as bad.

PETER FACINELLI

Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I’m the father figure of this family because I’m the one who turned them all into vampires. There’s something disturbing about the idea that I’ve only turned teenagers into vampires, but let’s ignore that.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?

PETER FACINELLI

Funny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin…

NIKKI REED

Knock it off, dad. So, Kristen, there must be something really special about you for Robert to take such a liking to you and risk the lives of his entire family. Tell us about yourself.

KRISTEN STEWART

Me? Oh, no. I’m just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.

NIKKI REED

Oh. Well what do you like to do for fun?

KRISTEN STEWART

Mostly smoke pot on my porch in front of the paparazzi. What about you guys?

PETER FACINELLI

Vampire baseball.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ha ha, no seriously.

PETER FACINELLI

Really. Vampire baseball. We even have uniforms. Want to come watch us play?

KRISTEN STEWART

Actually as it happens the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.

They play vampire baseball, which looks exactly as stupid as it sounds to all of the males in the audience. The game attracts the attention of some EVIL VAMPIRES, who actually do the type of shit vampires are supposed to, like fucking kill boring humans. One of them, CAM GIGANDET, notices KRISTIN.

CAM GIGANDET

Oh man, that looks great, are you gonna finish that?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Stay away from her or my family will have to kill you. Specifically, we’ll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.

CAM GIGANDET

Murder, eh? That’s one hell of a family activity. My family usually just plays scrabble.

PETER FACINELLI

The family that slays together, stays together.

CAM tries to eat KRISTEN, a poorly directed action sequence ensues, and eventually he is defeated.

PETER FACINELLI

Kristen’s been bitten! She’ll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can’t do it for some reason or another.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?

PETER FACINELLI

Look, all I know is that even though it’s going to be REALLY HARD, you’re just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.

He DOES. It’s very DISSATISFYING.

INT. HOSPITAL

KRISTEN wakes up in the hospital, and ROBERT wakes up after her.

KRISTEN STEWART

I thought vampires never slept.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Script. Six weeks. Remember?

KRISTEN STEWART

Right. Well, thanks for saving my life after endangering it by inviting me into your dangerous world. Let’s go to the prom together.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Actually, I think it would be better if we broke up. To keep you safe.

KRISTEN STEWART

From vampires?

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I’m screwed, but it’s not too late for you.

KRISTEN STEWART

No. No, you can’t ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Holy shit, you’re a clingy psychotic bitch. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.

They stay together and go to the PROM.

KRISTEN STEWART

I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.

ROBERT PATTINSON

So, the next generation of young women is currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

KRISTEN STEWART

I love you. Put a baby in me.

ROBERT PATTINSON

At least the other three books can’t possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

They ARE.

END

FADE IN:

EXT. THE STREETS OF NORTHERN ITALY

DANIEL CRAIG speeds along the road with JESPER CHRISTENSEN in the trunk while being chased by SOMEONE OR ANOTHER. The cameraman has an EPILEPTIC SEIZURE, but is told to continue filming.

DANIEL CRAIG

As soon as I evade these random, nameless pursuers, I can have Judi Dench interrogate you!

JESPER CHRISTENSEN

Great, I have some questions for her, too. For example, why is she the only person willing to be in every single one of these dumbass movies?

DANIEL evades the WHOEVERS and the opening credits sequence starts.

ALICIA KEYS AND JACK WHITE

A plot wide open,

An overuse of grime,

A villain with water,

A franchise past its prime!

A film soon on cable,

Made just to make a dime!

A movie that you think that you can trust,

is just,

another waste of tiiiime!

INT. MI6 SAFEHOUSE

DANIEL CRAIG, JUDI DENCH, JUDI DENCH’S BODYGUARD, and a RANDOM MI6 AGENT interrogate JESPER.

JUDI DENCH

Who are you working for? And please don’t give some vague bullshit answer about working for an all powerful secret agency with spies everywhere, I’d really rather not waste the audience goodwill we earned with Casino Royale.

JESPER CHRISTENSEN

Fine. I work for a powerful secret agency with spies everywhere. For example, your bodyguard!

JUDI’S BODYGUARD

That’s right! I’ve been a double agent for the past 8 years! And now I’m going to use the element of surprise not to kill Judi, or even Daniel Craig, but this completely superfluous other guy in the room!

He DOES, then runs away to be chased by DANIEL CRAIG across rooftops. DANIEL catches up to him and they try using RUBE GOLDBERG devices against each other before DANIEL gets bored and shoots JUDI’S BODYGUARD.

JUDI DENCH

Daniel, my team has used a bunch of props stolen from the set of Minority Report to figure out that my bodyguard had some marked bills in his wallet and that similar marked bills were used in Haiti, so maybe those two are somehow related in some way.

DANIEL CRAIG

Well if that isn’t a rock-solid lead, I don’t know what is.

DANIEL flies to HAITI. Suddenly, a thick cloud of FOG enters the theater, obscuring the screen for a while. When it clears, DANIEL has allied OLGA KURYLENKO and the bad guy is MATHIEU AMALRIC.

OLGA KURYLENKO

The guy you care about for some reason is hanging out at the pier. I wish I could stay and help you, but I need to go tanning to maintain the ridiculous notion that I am Bolivian.

DANIEL CRAIG

I can relate, I have to spend hours in the steam room all over my face to maintain the ridiculous notion that I am not a rumpled bed sheet.

DANIEL confronts MATHIEU AMALRIC.

DANIEL CRAIG

You’re the villain? You’re a fucking nerd! I used to give wedgies to guys like you after getting to second base with the prom queen under the gym bleachers.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Hey, at least I don’t cry blood.

DANIEL follows MATHIEU to AUSTRIA where he steals an earpiece and discovers that MATHIEU’S SECRET ORGANIZATION conducts their meetings via bluetooth while attending the OPERA.

DANIEL CRAIG

Damn, I didn’t think a Bond movie could have a more boring setpiece than “really long poker game” but here we are.

DANIEL goes after MATHIEU but is stopped by some HENCHMEN, who DANIEL kills.

DANIEL CRAIG

(on phone with Judi Dench)

Judi, I used my phone to take some pictures of people that Mathieu was meeting. I’m sending them to you now.

JUDI DENCH

Cell phone pictures? How am I supposed to identify people based on low-resolution images of people taken far away?

DANIEL CRAIG

You must be confused about technology. When you take a low resolution image of a face, all that happens is that the area around the head is fuzzy, but the face itself comes through crystal clear.

JUDI DENCH

Oh right. One last thing: one of the men you killed was a government agent. Despite knowing you’re the only person I can trust, I’m going to have to bring you in for questioning. I’m sending a sexy redhead with a weakness for blue-eyed blonde men to apprehend you.

GEMMA ARTERTON finds DANIEL and tries to arrest him.

GEMMA ARTERTON

Hello Daniel. I’m going to be keeping an eye on you until I can bring you back to headquarters. My name is Strawberry Fields, which is bound to be innuendo, but I’m not quite sure how.

DANIEL CRAIG

Great, I’ll take a quick break from my quest to avenge the death of my girlfriend to have sex with you.

DANIEL CRAIG attends a party hosted by MATHIEU AMALRIC.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Alright, I’ve had enough of this.

DANIEL CRAIG

What, me following you everywhere you go and thwarting your attempts to acquire Bolivian oil?

MATHIEU AMALRIC

No, the whole movie. “Quantum of Solace”? Is this a Bond movie or a fucking poetry reading? This shit is so pretentious and angst-ridden it makes Crash look like Moonraker.

DANIEL CRAIG

We’re just going for a more gritty, realistic Bond, that’s all.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Realistic? You jumped a fucking boat with another fucking boat a little while ago.

MATHIEU escapes from DANIEL to go to a HOTEL IN THE DESERT, because the franchise is RUNNING OUT OF SET PIECES.

INT. DESERT HOTEL

MATHIEU is meeting with GENERAL JOAQUIN COSIO.

JOAQUIN COSIO

Thank you for meeting me in my desert hotel powered by vast arrays of extremely explosive hydrogen cells. Now, why did you want to speak with me?

MATHIEU AMALRIC

I want you to sign this agreement that makes me your country’s sole water provider for an outrageous rate.

JOAQUIN COSIO

Water?! You mean the precious liquid you’ve been hoarding isn’t oil at all, but in fact water?

MATHIEU AMALRIC

That’s right! While the stupid Americans were obsessed with acquiring oil, I was securing Bolivia’s water reserves!

JOAQUIN COSIO

What a pathetic attempt to stay politically relevant!

DANIEL CRAIG

(dropping in)

Didn’t Bond villains used to have gigantic death rays? You really expect me to feel threatened by drought?

MATHIEU AMALRIC

No Mr. Craig, I expect you to die! On the inside. Of heartbreak. You emo bitch.

There is a SHOOTOUT and all of the AWKWARDLY MENTIONED FUEL CELLS begin BLOWING THE FUCK UP. Eventually DANIEL finds himself in a room that doesn’t completely collapse, so he ESCAPES and drives MATHIEU out into the middle of the desert and leaves him with a can of motor oil.

DANIEL CRAIG

I’m going to leave you here to die. When you become as depressed as me, you can drink that can of motor oil to kill yourself. Goodbye.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Seriously? Who the hell does shit like this?

DANIEL CRAIG

The name’s Bourne. Jason Bourne. Er, wait…

DANIEL drives away but his car engine fails because he’s out of motor oil.

END