FADE IN:

EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE

CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.

DENIS MENOCHET

Very well.  Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I would!  Now, rumor has it that you are hiding some Jews.  Is that true?

DENIS MENOCHET

No.

(pause)

Uh, maybe.

(pause)

Yeah.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Thanks.  Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!

They DO.  One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.

DENIS MENOCHET

Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!

EXT. ROADSIDE – FRANCE

BRAD PITT and his team of ENGLAWREEYUS BASSTURDS interrogate some NAZI SOLDIERS, including NOT ED HARRIS.

BRAD PITT

Now, ya Nazi varmint, I’d like to introduce you to my team.  Guy from The Office.  Short kid from Freaks and Geeks.  Gigolo from that Rob Schneider movie.

ELI ROTH

Eli Roth knocks it out of the park two hits I hit you you hit the ground!

NOT ED HARRIS

Eli Roth?  Are you acting, is that what that was?  You should just stick to directing, man.

(pause)

Actually, don’t do that either.  Just don’t do anything.  Do zero things.

BRAD PITT

Now, Eli here is gonna do some incredibly violent shit to create some footage we can use to make unbelievably misleading trailers for this movie.  Unless a’course you want to tell us where the rest of the German extras are hiding.

NOT ED HARRIS

You don’t frighten me.  Not even Quentin Tarantino would shamelessly exploit World War II simply to create a group of one-dimensional villains simply to justify the glorification of torture and brutality.

ELI ROTH

Do you think anyone would tolerate a Quentin Tarantino gabfest unless it had a fuckton of comical violence?

NOT ED HARRIS

Oh shi–

(killed with baseball bat)

BRAD asks another NAZI for information and GETS IT.

BRAD PITT

Thank ya for yer cooperation, varmint.  Now, we’re a-gonna let ya go.  But first, we’re gonna carve a swastika into your forehead so everyone knows you’re a Nazi.

NAZI SOLDIER

Oh no.  Anything but that.  I sure hope nobody invents plastic surgery a long time ago.

AUDIENCE

I’m impressed so far.  This movie seems devoid of Tarantino’s usual obsession with cinema.

The GIRL who escaped earlier grows up to become MELANIE LAURENT, and she owns a MOVIE THEATER.

AUDIENCE

God dammit.  I hope that’s just some irrelevant character detail.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Hey, I like your movie theater.  You should show my new Nazi propaganda film and it can be the setpiece for the film’s climax.

AUDIENCE

Arrrgghhhhhhh!

DANIEL continues flirting with MELANIE.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Hey baby. So, a Rabbi, a Rabbi, and a Rabbi walk into a bar…

MELANIE LAURENT

Don’t bother, Daniel. I know who you are.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Man, you fuck one goat…

MELANIE LAURENT

Not that, I just won’t be desperate enough to date a Nazi for at least 200 more pounds.

DANIEL BRUEHL

At least try and let me win you over by inviting a whole bunch of other Nazis, including Hitler, into your theater.

MELANIE LAURENT

Please don’t find it in any way suspicious that I’m going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis.

MELANIE goes to see her boyfriend, JACKY IDO.

MELANIE LAURENT

Jacky, Hitler is going to watch a movie in our theater.  Let’s burn it to the ground!

JACKY IDO

Great idea!  We can use all of the nitrate films in your collection!

MELANIE LAURENT

Because nitrate films are extremely flammable!  Isn’t that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!

Meanwhile…

INT. ESTATE – ENGLAND

MICHAEL FASSBENDER enters to explain a recent military discovery to BRITISH OFFICERS.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Sir, it seems that Hitler will be attending the premiere of a movie in France.  This would be a perfect opportunity for an oh my God you’re Mike Myers, aren’t you?  Are you trying to be taken seriously again?

MIKE MYERS

(Austin Powers accent)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Guess not.  Let’s just move on to the assassination plot and never see you again.

INT. BAR – FRANCE

DIANE KRUGER meets with some INNGLOWRIAZ BAZTOWARDS.

DIANE KRUGER

So your plan is to kill Hitler while he watches the movie?  This is a great idea, it’s a good thing nobody else is planning to assassinate him on that night or this entire subplot would be completely pointless.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Yep.  You’ll use your fame to get me and my friend into the premiere where we can totally shoot Hitler in the face like a bazillion times.

DIANE KRUGER

Er, isn’t your friend the guy that the movie went out of its way to show as being infamous among Germans for killing Nazis? Your plan sucks.

Suddenly, NAZI MAJOR AUGUST DIEHL sits down with them.

AUGUST DIEHL

It’s been a while since one of Tarantino’s obnoxious trademarks.  How about a Mexican Standoff, everyone?

DIANE KRUGER

Das klingt gut!

There’s a SHOOTOUT and ALMOST EVERYONE DIES.

BRAD PITT

Alright Diane.  Our plan is clearly fucked now, but let’s go ahead with it anyway.  We’re going to totally kill the shit out of Hitler!

DIANE KRUGER

So this movie is basically just like Valkyrie except that instead of being an exaggerated tribute to real-life heroics, it’s just a bunch of comic book fantasy bullshit, right?

ELI ROTH

All I know is, if Hitler shows up to the premiere in a robotic mech suit, I’m going to start looking for the floppy disks to my Wolfenstein level editor.

INT. MOVIE THEATER – FRANCE

HITLER and GOEBBELS take their seats and watch DANIEL BRUEHL shoot a BUNCH OF AMERICANS.

HITLER

This movie is terrible.  It’s just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.

GOEBBELS

Yeah.  Add some pop culture references and you’ve got Tarantino’s next movie!

HITLER

Hey-oooo!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ kidnaps BRAD PITT and BJ NOVAK while ELI ROTH stays behind to RUIN MORE OF THE MOVIE.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

It looks like the tables have turned, gentlemen!  I know all about your plot!

BRAD PITT

Holy Christ is this movie still going on?  It’s already been like two hours.

BJ NOVAK

I think the problem is that Tarantino’s usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

In any case, I’ve decided to surrender.

BRAD PITT

Aww, what dirty trick do you have up your sleeve?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

No trick.  Giving up.  That’s how the movie ends.

BJ NOVAK

Until the surprise ending where you double-cross us and we have to fight you, right?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Nope.  Done.  Movie over.  Have a safe drive home, everyone.

MELANIE and JACKY set the building on fire and HITLER is burned but also SHOT just to make sure he’s SUPER-DUPER-DEAD.

BJ NOVAK

Huh.  We won kind of.  I guess the mission was a total success.

BRAD PITT

Because Hitler is dead?

BJ NOVAK

Hitler?  Dude, Eli Roth is toast.  No Cabin Fever 2.  Score.

END

FADE IN:

EXT. EURASIA

CHANNING TATUM and MARLON WAYANS are driving along a dirt road.

MARLON WAYANS

As I much as I love driving these top secret ultra deadly nano-missiles to somewhere or another, I’ve been thinking we should join the Air Force.

CHANNING TATUM

Nah, I like being a ground soldier. I want to actually be in the fight, not flying over it.

MARLON WAYANS

“Flying over it”? You hear that, United States Air Force? Director Stephen Sommers wants you to know he thinks you’re a bunch of pussies.

Suddenly their vehicle is attacked by a CGI JET carrying SIENNA MILLER, ARNOLD VOSLOO, and some HENCHMEN.

SIENNA MILLER

Channing, hand over the weapon or I’ll blow your brains out.

CHANNING TATUM

Sienna? Are you a ninja librarian now? Because if so, that’s hot.

MARLON WAYANS

You know this chick?

CHANNING TATUM

I used to be engaged to her. But then her little geek brother joined the army I let him get killed despite unwisely promising I’d protect him.

MARLON WAYANS

Nothing you could do, war is hell.

CHANNING TATUM

Then when I got back I didn’t go to his funeral. I also didn’t speak to her at all, preferring instead that she cope with the death of her brother without the consolation of her future husband.

MARLON WAYANS

…wow. Yeah, go ahead and shoot him I guess.

CHANNING TATUM

That’s no excuse, Sienna! You’ve become totally evil and ridiculous-looking!

SIENNA MILLER

Hey, at least my name doesn’t sound like a present-tense verb.

Suddenly, RACHEL NICHOLS, SAID TAGHMAOUI, ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE, and RAY PARK fly in and chase SIENNA away. CHANNING and MARLON hop into their JET and, after a brief video game cutscene from 1998, land at the TOP SECRET G.I. JOE BASE.

INT. G.I. JOE BASE

CHANNING and MARLON meet DENNIS QUAID.

DENNIS QUAID

(consulting script)

Let’s see here… welcome to this elite unit, yadda yadda yadda… best of the best blah blah blah… dangerous weapon can destroy the world etc… annnnnnnd welcome to G.I. Joe headquarters, where’s my paycheck?

CHANNING TATUM

So what is this? I know you’re not regular army, since two of you have accents.

SAID TAGHMAOUI

Oh, I didn’t realize people from other countries were no longer allowed to become American citizens, asshole. Anyway, I’m “Breaker”. I’m the resident gadget guy. Whenever the writers can’t get out of a problem, I spew some scientific-sounding horseshit and fix it with wires and batteries.

RACHEL NICHOLS

I’m “Scarlett”. I’m pretty much only here because the villains have a female on the team and otherwise there would be no hot chickfights.

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

I’m “Heavy Duty” and my specialty is that I’m the black guy.

MARLON WAYANS

Are you the obnoxious, wise-cracking black guy or the stern, intimidating black guy?

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

Second one.

MARLON WAYANS

Sweet, there’s an opening for me.

CHANNING TATUM

(pointing at Ray Park)

And who’s this walking action figure?

RACHEL NICHOLS

That’s “Snake Eyes”. He doesn’t talk.

CHANNING TATUM

Because he took a mysterious vow of silence when he was in training?

RACHEL NICHOLS

Nah, I think it’s because someone made his costume with skin-tight lips for some reason.

RAY PARK

Mrrphhgle.

CHANNING TATUM

Man, Ray Park just cannot seem to find speaking roles. Does the guy sound like a chipmunk or something?

CHANNING and MARLON go through a TRAINING sequence that everyone has seen a thousand times before. Meanwhile…

INT. COBRA HIDEOUT

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON berates SIENNA MILLER.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

How could you let them get away with the warheads? They contain magical tiny robots that eat metal and do anything else the plot requires!

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Speaking of which, my nanomite solution has been injected into our soldiers. They are now incapable of feeling physical pain.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

You gave us an army of James Bond villains?

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Slow down there, this shit is nowhere near as realistic as James Bond.

INT. G.I. JOE BASE

MARLON and CHANNING continue training. MARLON scores 99% on the “Hogan’s Alley Challenge”.

RACHEL NICHOLS

You missed one. The record is 100%.

MARLON WAYANS

Who got that, Ray Park?

RACHEL NICHOLS

Nope, it was actually–

MARLON WAYANS

Said? Dennis Quaid? Brendan Fraser? Mark Wahlberg?

RACHEL NICHOLS

He’s not even in the movie! No, it was–

MARLON WAYANS

Well I know it wasn’t you, since you’re the only chump on the team whose weapon actually has to aim for her.

SUDDENLY, SIENNA and some HENCHMEN enter and they fight. Everyone fights against their EQUAL but SIENNA escapes with the NUCLEAR ECTO-COOLER and CHANNING TATUM.

MARLON WAYANS

We have to get Channing back. If they kill him, he won’t be able to be some other director’s third choice.

SAID TAGHMAOUI

Hold on, I can use the neutron polarity inversion to imbalance the density protocol carrier and… yep, they’re underneath the polar icecaps.

RACHEL NICHOLS

The polar ice caps? But we’ll need the Arctic Blast to carry us and we don’t have one!

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

Hey, kids! The Joes need your help! Buy 10 qualifying G.I. Joe brand action figures and send the proofs of purchase and a check for $20 to G.I. Joe Headquarters to receive your very own limited edition Arctic Blast vehicle! Limit one per household, offer void where prohibited.

INT. COBRA HIDEOUT

MARLON, SAID, RACHEL, ADEWALE, and RAY all break into THE VILLAIN HIDEOUT PLAYSET. Meanwhile, JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT explains his evil plan to CHANNING.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

…so you see, it all started with Christopher Eccleston selling weapons to both sides, but eventually I will take over as commander of this evil terrorist organization!

CHANNING TATUM

So, basically, the bad guys in this franchise are so utterly ridiculous that they require an entire movie to justify their existence?

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Yes, it’s even the movie subtitle. By the way, I’m Sienna’s brother, the one you thought you let die!

CHANNING TATUM

And Sienna has been working next to you for the last four years without figuring this out?

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Correct.

CHANNING TATUM

And Cobra Commander is going to end up being the scrawny kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun?

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Yep.

CHANNING TATUM

Yeah, I can see why they thought they’d need an entire movie to justify that.

CHANNING escapes, but so do JOSEPH and CHRISTOPHER. They launch NANOMITE WARHEADS at MOSCOW and WASHINGTON, D.C. Meanwhile, ADEWALE leads an assault on the UNDERWATER BASE, killing thousands of innocent henchmen that are under the influence of MIND CONTROL.

CHANNING TATUM

Wow, look at all the crazy crap going on. This movie must have been expensive as hell.

RACHEL NICHOLS

Are you kidding? All we did was film a 10-year-old boy playing with action figures and then digitally remove him.

MARLON WAYANS

Those warheads need to be shot down. And since earlier I referenced being a pilot, this seems like the only thing in the movie I might be good at. Unless, for some reason, you need someone to dress up like a blond white girl while looking like a hideous monster from the depths of hell.

MARLON boards a jet and then flies to MOSCOW.

MARLON WAYANS

Alright I’ve targeted the missile, but there’s no way to fire my weapons!

RACHEL NICHOLS

It must use a trigger word. Try “Fantastic”. Don’t ask.

MARLON shoots down the missile, which doesn’t eat through everything after it explodes for some reason.

MARLON WAYANS

Alright, now guide me to Washington D.C. for the other one.

RACHEL NICHOLS

That’s nearly 5,000 miles away and you have fifteen minutes. You’d have to travel at 20,000 miles per hour. That’s about 26 times the speed of sound.

MARLON WAYANS

Said, hook me up.

SAID TAGHMAOUI

Oh uh, localize the bandwidth thruster to balance the flux reversal.

MARLON flies to the other MISSILE and crashes into it. The NANOMITES start eating through his METAL SHIP so he ejects and the NANOMITES decide not to eat through his METAL SUIT.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT gives CHRISTOPHER a METAL MASK and injects him with MIND CONTROL NANOMITES.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

Really? Going forward, the second-in-command is just going to be another person under the influence of mind control? Weaksauce, Tommy.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

From now on, you will call me…

(putting on skull from Indiana Jones 4)

COMMANDER!

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

(laughing hysterically)

Ohhh, so this scene is the reason theaters showing this movie have piss stains on the seats!

CHRISTOPHER and JOSEPH are CAPTURED and placed in MAGNETO’S PRISON CELL as if they have some kind of super-powers.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

This isn’t over! They gave Michael Bay a second Transformers movie, there’s no way this brainless pile of shit won’t get a sequel.

CHANNING TATUM

I’ll be channing, Joseph.

Meanwhile, ARNOLD VOSLOO uses NANOMITES to impersonate the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and takes control of the country.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

Finally, my plan to masquerade as president has succeeded and my incessant whistling of “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” has become relevant!

PRESIDENT’S AIDE

Mr. President, you seem slightly different. Like this somehow isn’t your first Stephen Sommers movie.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

No idea what you’re talking about. I’m definitely the president. Um, but if anyone comes around asking for my birth certificate or anything, tell them I lost it.

PRESIDENT’S AIDE

Can’t imagine that being a problem, sir.

END

FADE IN:

INT. SUBWAY

DANIEL RADCLIFFE sits and reads a NEWSPAPER, full of fictional tales of goings-on in a land far detached from our world.  He then puts down USA TODAY and reads his WIZARD’S NEWS instead.

CAFE WAITRESS

Nice moving newspaper.  Who’s this Daniel Radcliffe mentioned on the front page?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Nobody.  I think he fucks horses.  Hey so, since you’re flirting with me as obviously as possible, I was wondering…

CAFE WAITRESS

Eleven.  That’s when I get off.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, I very much doubt it.

DANIEL watches as MICHAEL GAMBON terrifyingly appears across the tracks. 

MICHAEL GAMBON

Daniel, we must go somewhere together.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Right now?  There’s this waitress and I think she thinks I’m famous or something.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Right now, Daniel.  Cockitus Blockitus!

They teleport to JIM BROADBENT’S HOUSE and find JIM BROADBENT, who was disguised as an ARMCHAIR.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Why are you dressed up like furniture, Jim?

JIM BROADBENT

I didn’t want the audience to notice all the dark cinematography and start thinking the movie wasn’t going to be retarded.

MICHAEL GAMBON

I see.  Well, I was wondering if you would come teach a class at my school.

JIM BROADBENT

Absolutely not.

(pause)

Fine.

MICHAEL teleports DANIEL to MARK WILLIAMS’S HOUSE where he finds EMMA WATSON, RUPERT GRINT, and BONNIE WRIGHT.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hey Bonnie.  For some reason the movie is pretending you and I have some kind of sexual tension, so let’s hug awkwardly.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Sounds good.  I’ll behave as if I’ve always had a crush on you even though this concept is really only just now being introduced.

RUPERT GRINT

And I’ll somehow fail to even act as though we are related!

EMMA WATSON

Oh Harry, I’m so glad to see–

AUDIENCE

Eighteen yet?

EMMA WATSON

(sighing)

Yes actually, I turned 19 on–

AUDIENCE

I WILL FUCK YOUR TITS OFF FAP FAP FAP FAP!!

EMMA WATSON

Bloody fucking hell, I can’t wait to be done with these movies!

The kids make their way to HOGWARTS.  The AUDIENCE breathes a collective sigh of relief, knowing that they will not have to endure DANIEL’S SHITSUCKING FOSTER FAMILY for this movie.

INT. HOGWARTS

DANIEL talks to EMMA and RUPERT as they resume taking classes.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I think Tom Felton may be in training to become the new villain.

RUPERT GRINT

That’s ludicrous.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What?  He’s been a son of a bitch for 5 fucking movies and his father was a villain.  Seriously, how on earth do you justify thinking I’m wrong about this?

EMMA WATSON

Don’t mind Rupert, he’s just pissed off that he still looks like the older Pete from “Pete and Pete” while you and I got hot.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(checking his watch)

Holy shit we’re already half an hour into the movie and there are like 2,000 pages in the book left.

RUPERT GRINT

I guess we’d better go learn some new spells.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

There’s no time for spells.  Let’s just go to potion class so that all of the movie’s magic can be done using easily collectable artifacts.

They go to JIM BROADBENT’S potion class.  DANIEL acquires a textbook that contains CHEAT CODES.

JIM BROADBENT

This you see here is a magical love potion.  Now, if all the females in the class would drool over the potion in the most sexist, demeaning way imaginable I’d really appreciate it.

They DO.

JIM BROADBENT

Great.  Now this other potion is a luck potion.  Whenever J.K. Rowling can’t figure out how to resolve a situation she’s written herself into, someone can just drink this and instantly move the story along.

JIM gives the luck potion to DANIEL.

EMMA WATSON

Bloody fucking hell, I wanted that for myself!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Don’t you still have a time travel machine?  Why the hell don’t we use that thing in every movie?

EMMA WATSON

Daniel, I know these movies are about magic but it would be pretty inexcusable if we just solved every challenge with some random magic thing every time it was convenient to the plot.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That reminds me, it’s time to go see Michael Gambon.  He now has little vials of memories that I can use to see flashbacks of other people in order to fill in an arbitrary amount of backstory.

DANIEL goes to see MICHAEL and watches some memories from when RALPH FIENNES was a kid.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Well Daniel, did you learn anything?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yeah, I learned you’re a moron.  How did you not know young Ralph Feinnes was evil?  He makes Damien look like Little Orphan Annie.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Well, these memories were tampered with.  I was totally smart in the real ones.  I need you to get Jim Broadbent’s real memory from him.  It’s a matter of life and death, but it can wait until after the Quiddich match.

The kids all practice QUIDDICH together.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Quiddich is back?  The entire previous movie existed for no reason other than to establish the imminent threat posed by Ralph Fiennes and yet this movie is going to allocate time for fucking Quiddich?

They play QUIDDICH and RUPERT manages not to make that “I just shit my pants” face for ten minutes, which becomes cause for CELEBRATION!

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah!  I’m good at sports and popular!  Hogwarts is just like your high school, kids!  Except geeks like you can be cool here!

JESSIE CAVE

Oh Rupert!  Let’s make out while I act clingy and obnoxious!  That way the audience won’t feel bad for me when you completely mislead me and eventually dump me for Emma.

EMMA watches JESSIE scrape the inside of RUPERT’S MOUTH with her tongue and storms off to cry.  DANIEL consoles her.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Come on, Emma.  What is this shit, 90210?  Let’s stop crying about relationship crap, the movie is starting to drag and there’s like 1,000 more pages…

EMMA WATSON

I just love Rupert so much!  I love the way he wears muscle shirts to show off how much time he’s spent in the gym to overcompensate for his otherwise awkward appearance!  What does he see in Jessie?!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(shrugging)

Well, she’s a little chunky, Emma.  She probably gives a good beej.

EMMA, distraught, decides to MURDER SOME BIRDS BY SLAMMING THEM FACE FIRST INTO A WOODEN DOOR.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Jesus fucking Christ!  How long have you been a textbook future serial killer?

RUPERT falls in love with ANNA SHAFFER who was in love with DANIEL but then he falls out of love with her and also breaks up with JESSIE so EMMA can fall back in love with him, disappointing FREDDIE STROMA who loves her; at the same time DANIEL falls out of love with KATIE LEUNG and in love with BONNIE WRIGHT who falls out of love with ALFIE ENOCH and in love with DANIEL so they KISS! It was just as painful to write that as it was to read it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wow, I don’t understand how the audience is willing to tolerate over two hours of this pointless horseshit.  I’m just going to drink the luck potion and move things along now.

EMMA WATSON

Why are you drinking the whole thing?  Don’t you think a few sips would be enough?

He drinks it and uses LUCK to get the memory from JIM BROADBENT, then he finds MICHAEL GAMBON.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Michael, I found out that Ralph Fiennes split his soul into 7 pieces and scattered them around the world.  And yes, this really is what I learned, not the set-up to an RPG on Super Nintendo.

MICHAEL GAMBON

I know.  We already have two of the objects and I know where the third one is.  Let’s go get it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What the FUCK, man?

MICHAEL and DANIEL go into a CAVE to get the THIRD OBJECT.  After MICHAEL channels MOSES for a bit, they return to the school, only to be confronted by TOM FELTON.

TOM FELTON

I’m here to kill you, Michael.  Well, mostly I’m here to sneer a lot.  But I’ll kill you too.

TOM tries to kill MICHAEL but can’t make himself do it.  Suddenly, SPOILER ALERT ALAN RICKMAN KILLS GAMBON!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Alan, why?

ALAN RICKMAN

Eventually I realized that, since Jim Broadbent is teaching my potions class, I must be the current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, which pretty much obligated me to be the film’s antagonist.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Haven’t you been watching? This film was just about to get away with having no antagonist at all.

(dies)

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alan!  I totally pussed out while you killed my mentor but now I’ve decided to fight you!

ALAN RICKMAN

Don’t bother.  I’m the Half-Blood Prince!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The who?

ALAN RICKMAN

Half-Blood Prince.  The guy that wrote all those tips in your book.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wha?

ALAN RICKMAN

It’s the title of the fucking movie!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh right.  Forgot all about that.

ALAN escapes.  DANIEL mourns the loss of MICHAEL as EMMA and RUPERT comfort him.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

With Michael dead, there’s nobody to save me next time I confront Ralph Fiennes.  I don’t even know what one of these movies might look like without a deus ex machina.

EMMA WATSON

You’re not going to face Ralph alone, Daniel.  You need us.  Er, well, you need me.  Rupert is still basically worthless.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You know, Emma, for all it’s flaws this movie wasn’t all that horrible.  We had to endure a lot of awful movies to get one that doesn’t suck dragon balls, but I’m actually kind of looking forward to the rest of the series now.

EMMA WATSON

There’s only one more book.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

…

EMMA WATSON

Daniel?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Bloody fucking hell, I hate you J.K. Rowling!

END

FADE IN:

EXT. PLAYGROUND

DANIEL RADCLIFFE hangs out at a CHILDREN’S PLAYGROUND in a vain attempt to make it look like he’s not a 35-YEAR-OLD MAN.

HARRY MELLING

Oh look, it’s my good for nothing sort-of brother.  How’s your mother, Daniel, aside from being dead? Har har har!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What?  I know you’re supposed to be kind of a dick and all, but nobody in real life would make a joke about someone having dead parents.  Well, maybe Dane Cook.

HARRY MELLING

Thug lyfe, son!  That’s how I riggity roll!

Suddenly HARRY and DANIEL are attacked by DEMENTORS!  DANIEL saves MELLING using MAGIC, then carries him home.

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

What have you done to my son?!  Tomorrow he has to stand outside The Gap at the mall and glower at middle-aged white people!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Holy Jesus, what happened to you? It’s time to lay off the snacks or you’ll never make it to the last movie, buddy.

An OWL delivers a LETTER.

LETTER

Dear Mr. Radcliffe.  It has come to our attention that you performed a magical spell in front of a muggle.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You mean the same muggle who’s currently watching a talking envelope?

LETTER

That’s the one!  You are hereby expelled!

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

Ha!  I’m delighted to hear this despite the fact that it means you’ll be around all the time now!

DANIEL escapes to PROTAGONIST HEADQUARTERS where he runs into everyone from the series that hasn’t wound up EVIL or DEAD yet, including BRENDAN GLEESON, DAVID THEWLIS, and GARY OLDMAN.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Arr, it be good to see ya, matey.

DAVID THEWLIS

I hate to prolong the suspense, but your suspension has been suspended until a formal trial.

GARY OLDMAN

If there’s one thing kids love to see, it’s political red tape and courtroom trials.

DANIEL finds EMMA WATSON and RUPERT GRINT!

EMMA WATSON

Daniel!  I’m so glad to see you!

AUDIENCE

You eighteen yet?  I’d really like for you to come over here and ride my–

EMMA WATSON

Next movie.

AUDIENCE

–my magical broomstick!  Oh what a fantastic world of innocent whimsy!  Tra-la-la!

DANIEL and RUPERT’S FATHER, MARK WILLIAMS, take the SUBWAY to get to DANIEL’S trial.

MARK WILLIAMS

So odd, these muggles don’t even have subway gates that open automatically for us!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The same muggles that use things like e-mail and text messages instead of owls and talking envelopes?  Yeah, they’re cavemen.

INT. COURTROOM

DANIEL sits in the center of a room, being judged by a jury of wizards and witches.  ROBERT HARDY presides.

ROBERT HARDY

Daniel is clearly guilty.  All in favor of the death penalty, say aye.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wait, I didn’t do anything wrong!  I had to defend myself, the CGI was overwhelming!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Daniel had no choice!  If the movies don’t at least start similarly to the books, people will revolt.  It’s not until the middle that we can really fuck everything up.

Everyone VOTES on if DANIEL should be expelled or not, and the MAJORITY votes no.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I don’t get a jury of peers and a unanimous vote?  Nice to see that this super advanced magical society can still lack even the most rudimentary justice system.

MICHAEL GAMBON walks away without speaking a word to DANIEL.  Luckily, GAMBON is already super likeable.

INT. HOGWARTS

We endure yet another scene of MICHAEL GAMBON addressing the CAST during DINNER.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!  You will notice we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.  I’d like to assure you all that this one won’t be the film’s villain, but you all know better by now.

IMELDA STAUNTON

Good evening, students!  I’m so excited to be imposing my authoritarian rule upon you all!  From now on, all kids must pull their pants all the way up and there shall be no more fun whatsoever!

RUPERT GRINT

No fun?  How can someone go and make this school not fun!?

EMMA WATSON

Yeah, whenever we’re not being nearly murdered by an endless supply of magical demons, this place is a blast!

DANIEL calls a meeting with all of the other kids.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Since Imelda is such a raging pink twat, we’re going to have to teach ourselves how to fight.  Who’s with me?

EMMA WATSON

Daniel, you have my books!

BONNIE WRIGHT

And my wand!

JAMES AND OLIVER PHELPS

And my pranks!

RUPERT GRINT

Great, now we just need a place to practice.

EMMA WATSON

The room of unoriginality!  It’s a room that exists whenever the story needs it to!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wow, J.K. Rowling isn’t even trying anymore, huh?  Whatever, let’s go.

IMELDA and her henchman, TOM FELTON, try to catch the students entering the room but fail.  Apparently the kids never LEAVE either.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright, it’s like two hours in and we’re only just getting started.  Let me teach you some basic spells, even though I’ve only really learned one spell outside of the school cirriculum.

Scene after scene of children learning new things at a SCHOOL take place.

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody hell, did the filmmakers decide the biggest flaw with the other movies was that they didn’t accurately portray education?

Eventually IMELDA takes a sledehammer to the wall and catches the kids.  This relied on getting a confession from KATIE LEUNG for some reason, even though IMELDA already knew where the kids were.

IMELDA and ROBERT HARDY confront MICHAEL GAMBON.

IMELDA STAUNTON

I knew it! Michael Gambon was forming these kids into an army!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Where should we be putting our focus?  I’ll tell you where our enemies are putting it, they’re putting it on the kids!

ROBERT HARDY

Michael, I’m going to have to place you under arrest.

MICHAEL uses MAGIC to disappear.

ROBERT HARDY

Magic, fuck!

EXT. THE WOODS

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT meet ROBBIE COLTRANE in the woods.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Hey kids!  I just wanted you to meet my brother.  He’s a dumb giant, and he looks like George W. Bush for some reason.

RUPERT GRINT

This thing isn’t supposed to even remotely look like a living, breathing creature, right?  It’s just supposed to be a Pixar rendering in the middle of the movie?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I don’t get it, what does this have to do with anything else in the movie?  How does this help us with Imelda?  I thought you called us here so you could help!

ROBBIE COLTRANE

What?  No, I can’t help you.  I just can’t collect a paycheck unless I’m in the movie.  Good luck with all that new villain and such.

INT. HOGWARTS

Back in the school, IMELDA takes over as HEADMASTER and imposes even more TOTALLY LAME RULES, like NO KISSING, OMG!

IMELDA STAUNTON

From now on, you kids will have to take the OWLS.  They are just like SATS, but lamer!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That’s right kids, the SATs are just a waste of time imposed by douchebag fascists!  By the way, make sure to consult your McDonalds training manual for the correct amount of salt to use for the fries.

EMMA WATSON

How will we overcome this oppressive tyrant!?

RUPERT GRINT

We could try just not giving a shit.

EMMA WATSON

Oh.  That was easy.

The kids suddenly STOP CARING.  Some CENTAURS come by, transform IMELDA into a CARTOON, and drag her off to TOONTOWN.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright, listen everyone.  I think Gary Oldman is in trouble.  We must go to the “Department of Fuckton of Orbs” and rescue him.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF FUCKTON OF ORBS

DANIEL, EMMA, RUPERT, BONNIE WRIGHT, EVANNA LYNCH, and MATTHEW LEWIS enter and look for GARY.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Are we in the garage of an eBay fanatic or something?

MATTHEW LEWIS

Have I told anyone lately how much I miss my parents?  Because I’m pretty sure I don’t get any lines in the next movie and I’d really like to talk about it.

EVANNA LYNCH

Trapeze bananas romantically fire grapefruits with patiently.

Suddenly HELENA BONHAM CARTER and JASON ISSACS enter.  The kids run, knocking over a shelf of ORBS which causes all of the other shelves to fall over, destroying all of the ORBS.

RUPERT GRINT

This seems like a really bad way of storing orbs.

EMMA WATSON

Oh no, we’re completely outmatched by a girly-looking blond guy and the only actress laying it on thicker than me!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Relax, everyone.  I’ve survived four of these movies and if there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s that I’ll always be rescued by some deus ex machina at the last second.

Suddenly, BRENDAN GLEESON, DAVID THEWLIS, and GARY OLDMAN show up!  There is a WAND BATTLE ROYALE, which basically just looks like a bunch of people flailing around randomly without touching.

GARY OLDMAN

Lightning bolt!  Lightning bolt!

Eventually, HELENA kills GARY and everyone else just sort of LEAVES.  DANIEL is confronted by RALPH FIENNES.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh fuck.  Do I only get one deus ex machina per movie, or am I allowed two?

Suddenly, MICHAEL GAMBON shows up to fight RALPH.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, good.  Almost thought I’d have to sack up for a second there.

RALPH FIENNES

The circle is now complete!  When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Only a master of tolerating hours in makeup, Ralph!

MICHAEL defeats RALPH using A PROTON PACK.  Everyone goes back to the school, bruised and bleeding.

RUPERT GRINT

I hate field trips.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You know, guys… no matter how powerful Ralph Fiennes is, we have something he’ll never have.

EMMA WATSON

What’s that?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The fact that we were never in Maid in Manhattan.

END

FADE IN:

EXT. SHANGHAI, CHINA

JOSH DUHAMEL and TYRESE GIBSON lead a team of POLYGONS into battle.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Alright everyone, we’re here to capture two Decepticons in hiding.  I just need about 40 seconds of dialogue to explain what’s going on before we can–

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

TOO LONG LETS MAKE STUFF EXPLODE NOW OKAY

SOME GOOD POLYGONS are rendered into the same frames as BAD POLYGONS while FOLEY ARTISTS smash pots and pans together next to microphones.

TYRESE GIBSON

Damn, one of the Decepticons is getting away!  I’ll send the film’s version of Jar Jar Binks after it!

SKID

Sheeeeit muddafucka, bitches be straight trippin’.

TYRESE GIBSON

No.  Don’t do any more of that.

MUDFLAP

I gots ta get me some watermelon and fried chickin!

TYRESE GIBSON

NO NO NO NO.  This kind of crap can’t exist in a movie released on 2009, it just can’t.

SKID

Anyone gots any grape Kool-aid ta wash dis here down?

TYRESE GIBSON

STOP STOP STOP STOP! YOU ARE DESTROYING MY BRAIN’S MODEL OF THE WORLD! THIS CANNOT EXIST, STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

SKID and MUDFLAP stop the DECEPTICON from escaping while BILL COSBY looks on disapprovingly.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Alright, the other Decepticon is getting away now, so we’ll go ahead and unleash Peter Cullenbot.  Why we didn’t do this sooner is as much a mystery to me as anyone, so don’t bother asking.

PETER CULLENBOT catches up to the DECEPTICON and destroys it.

PETER CULLENBOT

That was great, I’m so glad that humans and Autobots can work together openly.

JOSH DUHAMEL

No, we’re a covert team.  Top secret.

PETER CULLENBOT

Covert?  I just lava-sworded a giant robot in the middle of a highly crowded city.  How the hell can you justify the notion that we’re top sec–

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

OKAY ENOUGH ROBOTS FOR NOW LETS GO LOOK AT MEGAN FOX’S ASS FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND THEN WE CAN BLOW MORE STUFF UP OKAY

INT. WHATEVER

SHIA LEBOUF talks to BUMBLEBEE.

SHIA LEBOUF

I’m going off to college, and I just want to be a normal kid with a normal life, because if there’s one thing any teenager would hate it’s to be the transforming-robot-owning savior of the planet.  I just want my degree in Communications!

MEGAN FOX

Hey Shia.  I just finished fixing up a motorcycle while strattling it in short shorts and came right over.

SHIA LEBOUF

Jesus Christ, will you just do Playboy already?  The audience is losing interest in you.  You have toe thumbs and they can watch a chick shove a baseball bat up her puss on the internet.  Sideways.

SHIA’S PARENTS annoy their way into the movie.  They make some uncomfortable references to having intercourse and show that their dogs are also having intercourse.  This is all very FUNNY.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

LOOK I’M A COMEDIAN NOW OKAY LETS GO TO SHIA’S NEW COLLEGE THERE ARE HOT GIRLS THERE

SHIA goes to COLLEGE where he discovers the entire freshman class is made up of SUPERMODELS, largely due to the existence of a large number of supermodels willing to sleep with MICHAEL BAY to get nonspeaking parts in the movie.

RAMON RODRIGUEZ

Hey, I’m your new roommate.  Coincidentally, I believe the government is covering up the existence of giant transforming robots.  Take a look in my base of operations.

SHIA LEBOUF

This is supposed to be a dorm room, right?  I know Wikipedia says Michael Bay went to college, but I just can’t believe it.

Meanwhile…

EXT. OUTER SPACE

FRANK WELKERBOT wraps his NOT-A-TAPE-PLAYER around a satellite to do ROBOT STUFF with it.

FRANK WELKERBOT

I have detected that Shia has been imprinted with a MacGuffin on his brain.  You must retrieve it now that you have escaped the nearly worthless prison the humans made for you, Hugo Weavingbot.

HUGO WEAVINGBOT

Why the hell do you sound like Dr. Claw?

(checks IMDB)

Holy shit, you ARE Dr. Claw! That’s awesome!

TONY TODDBOT

You must avenge me, Hugo.  Capture Shia and remove his brain from his skull.

HUGO WEAVINGBOT

To get access to the special codes that will allow us to harvest Energon using the sun?

TONY TODDBOT

What? No, I’ve just seen the guy in a lot of movies and I consistently want to crack his skull open and smash his brains.  There’s no way that’s just me.

INT. WHATEVER

SHIA LEBOUF is seduced by a creepy hot girl, ISABEL LUCAS.

SHIA LEBOUF

Oh no, a hot girl has pinned me down and kissed me!  I sure hope Megan Fox doesn’t walk in!

MEGAN FOX

(walking in)

Shia, I absolutely cannot believe this!

SHIA LEBOUF

I know, I can’t believe how unoriginal Michael Bay is either!

ISABEL transforms into a ROBOT.

SHIA LEBOUF

Whoa, whoa, whoa.  What in the living fuck is the point of transforming into cars if you guys can just transform into people?  Is this franchise just going to merge with the Terminator franchise or something?

ISABEL LUCAS

Impossible, the world doesn’t even have enough balls to suck for that.

SHIA, MEGAN, and RAMON escape from ISABEL only to be found by HUGO WEAVINGBOT.  PETER CULLENBOT tries to rescue them.

PETER CULLENBOT

Hurry up and get out of here!  We’ll save millions on CGI if the animators don’t have to work a single live-action element into the scene!

PETER CULLENBOT fights an onslaught of DECIPTICONS, which all look nearly identical, giving the impression that PETER CULLENBOT kills HUGO WAVINGBOT like fifty times.  Eventually this turns out not to be the case as HUGO kills PETER.

PETER CULLENBOT

Shia, you must find Mark Ryanbot.  He is old and has a transforming robot cane because this movie insists on each scene being stupider than the last.

(dies)

SHIA LEBOUF

Shit, how am I ever supposed to find Mark Ryanbot?  I checked the next page of the script but it turned out to just be a drawing of a penis ejaculating onto a pair of poorly drawn breasts.  And it says “I like bubs” under it.

MEGAN FOX

We can ask the tiny Decepticon I captured earlier.  Okay Wheelie, tell me–

RAMON RODRIGUEZ

Wheelie?  This movie has fucking Wheelie?  The most annoying transformer?

MEGAN FOX

Don’t worry, he’s nothing at all like the Wheelie from the cartoon.

RAMON RODRIGUEZ

Well thank goodness for that.

WHEELIE

I’m actually more annoying now.

They find MARK RYANBOT, who helpfully explains the rich, detailed mythology of the TRANSFORMERS.

MARK RYANBOT

You must go to Egypt to find the Matrix of Leadership which can be used to unlock the Tomb of Primes and harvest Energon, fuel for Cybertronians I’m sorry if I have to say one more of these stupid fucking lines I’m going to blow my brains out.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

HELP I REALLY WANT A BIG BATTLE IN THE DESERT HOW DO I MAKE THINGS BOOM BOOM ON PYRAMIDS

SHIA LEBOUF

Dude, we’re in Washington, D.C.  What are you going to do, teleport us or something?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

PERFECT THAT WORKS OLD TRANSFORMERS HAVE THE POWER OF TELEPORTATION NOW OKAY

SHIA LEBOUF

Wait, no, don’t–

EXT. EGYPT

SHIA LEBOUF

–god dammit.

SHIA is joined by TYRESE, JOSH, and all of the POLYGONS FROM EARLIER.  Suddenly DEVASTATOR starts to form!

JOSH DUHAMEL

Oh my God, it’s Devastator!  Considering the fact that he’s taking fifteen minutes to fully form, there must be an epic battle coming up!

One of the RACISMBOTS kills it before it can do anything cool.

TYRESE GIBSON

So much for that.  We’re going to need that little skidmark Shia to revive Peter Cullenbot so the movie can get interesting again.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Man I wish someone would just crack that kid’s skull open and smash his brains.

SHIA LEBOUF

Alright, I’ll revive Cullenbot after I take a quick trip to robot heaven and talk to some Transformer ghosts.

MEGAN FOX

What’s sad is that anyone reading this Abridged Script that hasn’t seen the movie will just think that’s some kind of weird joke they don’t get. It’s not. That description is brain-meltingly accurate.

SHIA takes 45 minutes to revive CULLENBOT who proceeds to kill WEAVINGBOT and TODDBOT in ten seconds.

RAMON RODRIGUEZ

This sucks!  I’m absolutely appalled that Michael Bay isn’t taking the source material seriously!

MEGAN FOX

By “source matrial,” you mean the 30 minute advertisements for toys, right?

SHIA LEBOUF

This is kind of depressing. I mean, has our society truly reached a point where we find two-and-a-half hours of giant robots fighting each other entertaining?

MICHAEL BAY

WE SURE HAVE LETS GET STARTED ON TRANSFORMERS 3: THE EXPLOSIONS OF THE PYROTECHNICS

END

FADE IN:

INT. HARVARD

TOM HANKS, mullet-less, swims laps.  He is approached by DAVID PASQUESI, some IMPORTANT CATHOLIC GUY.

DAVID PASQUESI

Professor Hanks, I presume.  The pope is dead and the four cardinals that are being considered to replace him have been kidnapped.  We need your help finding them.

TOM HANKS

Why would the Catholic Church want my help after they shat blood over The Da Vinci code?

DAVID PASQUESI

Well, you’re so good with puzzles that– wait, what do you mean Da Vinci Code?  Doesn’t Angels & Demons take place before The Da Vinci Code?

TOM HANKS

Yes, but we’ve swapped the order on the assumption that the audience, while capable of tolerating endless amounts of historical mumbo jumbo, is easily confused by the notion of a prequel.

DAVID PASQUESI

Doesn’t the fact that these stories can be told in any order illustrate how brainlessly plot-driven they are and how unimportant the actual characters are?

TOM HANKS

Sure does.  Speaking of which, the plot now requires that we travel to Vatican City, so let’s get a move on.

EXT. VATICAN CITY

They go to VATICAN CITY and meet AYELET ZURER.

AYELET ZURER

Professor Hanks, some anti-matter was stolen from my research center.  I believe the thief plans on using it at an explosive, and since I’m in the movie at all it must somehow be related to the cardinal kidnapping.

TOM HANKS

Destroying the city with antimatter?  What is this shit, Star Trek?

AYELET ZURER

No, that’s in the theater next door.  The one that everyone is in instead of the one showing this movie.

TOM HANKS looks up ILLUMINATI in the encyclopedia in the VATICAN’S SUPER SECRET LIBRARY.

TOM HANKS

Hmm, the word Illuminati first appears on page three of this book.  Three… the third ninja turtle mentioned in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song is Raphael… the first cardinal must be in Raphael’s tomb!

They hurry to RAPHAEL’S TOMB, but they are too late.  One of the CARDINALS has been killed with EARTH.

AYELET ZURER

We’ve arrived way too late.  Now what?

TOM HANKS

We’ll find clues that allow us to find the remaining cardinals in increasing proximity to the time of their deaths until we just barely save the last one. Assuming this movie is an unoriginal piece of shit, of course.

AYELET ZURER

Well this movie is written by the same guy that wrote “I, Robot” so I think we’re good.

TOM HANKS

Let’s see here…  we’re in a tomb.  Tomb… like Tombstone pizza, which is circular.  Circular is the opposite of square.. of course!  To Saint Peter’s Square!

They arrive just slightly too late as another CARDINAL is killed using AIR.  Or rather, the lack of AIR.

AYELET ZURER

So this movie is pretty much The Da Vinci code without all of that dumb old interesting puzzle solving and code cracking.

TOM HANKS

Don’t worry, we may not have the intrigue of the last movie but at least we’re still sticking it to the Catholic Church!

CATHOLIC LEAGUE PRESIDENT BILL DONOHUE

Actually we were orginally planning to protest it but after it was released we decided it was so forgettable that we just didn’t bother.

(pause)

I mean, you guys released it against Star Trek, and that movie was the tits.

AYELET ZURER

Jesus, we can’t even offend the Catholic Church?  Those guys protest condoms!

TOM HANKS

Condoms… condoms are sometimes called johnnies… John James was the architect that rebuilt St. Mary’s Church… of course, the third cardinal is in a church!

AYELET ZURER

WHY THE HELL IS THIS WORKING!?

TOM finds the THIRD CARDINAL as he is being murdered with FIRE.  TOM tries to free the CARDINAL but fails because he’s just some prissy book-reading NERD.  The THIRD CARDINAL goes ahead and DIES.

TOM HANKS

Damn!  We must get to the fourth cardinal, it’s the only chance we have of finding the antimatter!

AYELET ZURER

Wait let me try one.  Okay, so this guy was chained up… chains are often used for construction work… the fourth cardinal is at a construction site!

TOM HANKS

What?  Don’t be stupid.  The fourth element is water, so he’s in a fountain.

AYELET ZURER

God dammit.

They go to a FOUNTAIN and find the FOURTH CARDINAL, still ALIVE!  They rescue him.

TOM HANKS

Where were they holding you?

FOURTH CARDINAL

Back where you started, at the Vatican.  We were there the whole time.

TOM HANKS

…

AYELET ZURER

What in the holy living FUCK?!

They go back to the VATICAN and look for the ANTIMATTER.

AYELET ZURER

Alright, I give up.  What dumbass clue are you going to use to figure out where the antimatter is?

TOM HANKS

I’m just going to follow this arrow.  Literally, there’s an arrow pointing at it.

AYELET ZURER

Did someone misplace a few pages of the script or something? Anyway, we’ve located the antimatter.  But because of some bunch of nonsense, it’s going to explode anyway.

VATICAN PRIEST EWAN MACGREGOR steals the antimatter and jumps into a helicopter so that he can lift the explosive to the ideal height for maximum casualties.

TOM HANKS

Wow, what a brave sacrifice he has made.

EWAN jumps out the helicopter and parachutes back down.

TOM HANKS

Oh, nevermind.  What a douche.

EWAN MACGREGOR

Look at what a hero I am!  Maybe I should be the new pope, eh?  Nah, I’m just joking!  But seriously, I should be, amirite?

TOM HANKS

Wait a minute… an actor that’s way too good for this throwaway movie… you’re this movie’s Ian McKellen!  You must be the surprise villian!

EWAN MACGREGOR

Curse you, Tom Hanks!  Yes, I orchestrated this entire thing!  Antimatter is blasphemous because a few people call it the ‘god particle!”

TOM HANKS

That’s your justification?  Do you go around killing psychologists that diagnose people with a “god complex” or burning cemeteries that are sometimes called ‘god acres’?

EWAN MACGREGOR

Really I should kill us both for being in this movie since it’s godawful.

Some OTHER GUY is elected POPE, which is somehow supposed to matter enough to be the happy ending to the movie.

END

FADE IN:

INT. USS KELVIN – THE FUTURE

CAPTAIN FARAN TAHIR watches as a BROKEN WICKER BASKET MADE OF METAL emerges from a BLACK HOLE.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Captain, are you seeing this?

FARAN TAHIR

No, all I can see are fucking lens flares!  Did someone just discover Photoshop in 1998 or something?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Sir, I think it’s just a trick to make everyone who downloads the movie think it was a bad capture and delete it.

Suddenly, ERIC BANA appears on a screen.

ERIC BANA

I demand that your captain board my random-looking bundling of metal spikes and slightly curved surfaces.

FARAN TAHIR

Seeing as how the only way an in-person discussion differs from what we’re doing now is that the former offers you a way to kill me, I’ll go ahead and comply.

He DOES, and ERIC kills him.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Alright, that makes me captain.  Someone get my wife to an escape pod while she delivers my son.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S WIFE

Chris, no!  You have to come with me, a lack of a father figure will surely turn our son into an insufferable douchebag.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I can’t.  JJ Abrams doesn’t know how to direct anything that isn’t “Lost”, so I have to stay behind and die dramatically as the sound effects are muted in favor of sad-sounding violin music.

CHRIS dies.

EXT. IOWA – UNITED STATES – EARTH – LONG SCENE HEADING

A YOUNG CHRIS PINE speeds down a road in a 280-YEAR-OLD-CAR while listening to 250-YEAR-OLD-MUSIC.  A POLICE OFFICER DRESSED AS SNAKE-EYES FROM G.I. JOE chases him.

YOUNG CHRIS PINE drives the car off a cliff and just barely manages to pull himself up from the ledge.

POLICE OFFICER

Citizen!  What is your name?

YOUNG CHRIS PINE

My name is Chris Overacting Pine!

POLICE OFFICER

Citizen!  What is the point of this scene?

YOUNG CHRIS PINE

I have absolutely no fucking clue!

YOUNG CHRIS PINE eventually grows into CHRIS PINE and he goes to a bar where he meets ZOE SALDANA.

CHRIS PINE

Finally, the first scene introducing me as the new James Kirk to the world! I think it’s only fitting that I come off as a complete dickwad and hit on you.  Let’s go back to my place, I think a hull breach is imminent.

ZOE SALDANA

Ack!  Holy shit, is my name in caps and centered above this?  Why are my thoughts being written down?  What’s going on?

CHRIS PINE

That’s dialogue.  It means you get to say things out loud in the movie.

ZOE SALDANA

Uhura has actual lines?  Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here.  Can someone rescue me from this?

Suddenly, a fight breaks out between CHRIS PINE, FOUR STARFLEET CADETS, and APPARENTLY THE CAMERA MAN.  Once CHRIS finishes getting his ass kicked, BRUCE GREENWOOD talks to him.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

I looked up your file.  Your aptitude test scores are off the charts.

CHRIS PINE

Off the charts?  Your aptitude test scoring system has a serious design flaw.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Enlist in Starfleet.  Boldly go where no man has gone before!  Meet new and interesting alien life forms that look exactly like humans except with one feature difference such as skin color, eye size, or ear shape!

CHRIS PINE

Look, I’m just not Starfleet material.  The only thing I’m any good at is hanging off ledges.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Just think about it.  The ship for new recruits leaves tomorrow, and there’s apparently no other way for you to enlist other than boarding it.

CHRIS rides his bike some more and looks contemplatively at a STARSHIP being built.

CHRIS PINE

Wow.  It’s so amazing.  How the hell are they ever going to launch that thing off the surface of the planet?

CHRIS joins STARFLEET and hops on a ship headed into SPACE even though the ACADEMY is on EARTH. He meets KARL URBAN.

KARL URBAN

Nice to meet you. I’m enlisting because my wife took everything in the divorce. All I’ve got left are my BOOOOONEEESSSS. Eh? Eh? Bones!

CHRIS PINE

So, this movie’s official explanation for your nickname is basically that my character likes to incessantly remind you of your painful divorce. Wow, I really am an insufferable douchebag.

INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY – EARTH

CHRIS smarms his way through school, acting like an obnoxious fratboy in scene after scene.  ZACHARY QUINTO accuses him of cheating on a test, since nothing makes compelling drama like ACADEMIC WHINING.

ZACHARY QUINTO

I demand Chris Pine be expelled from the academy, he got Dawson’s Creek in my Star Wars!

CHRIS PINE

Me? You got Star Wars in my Dawson’s Creek!

TYLER PERRY, UGH

I’d love to expel the brash, renegade youth but unfortunately a sudden emergency demands our complete attention, thereby giving him a second chance to prove himself!

CHRIS PINE

How incredibly original!

Everyone that has had a line so far winds up on the USS ENTERPRISE.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Listen up, we’ve gotten a distress signal from planet Vulcan, which strangely is also the word used to refer to people from it.  They have reported what appears to be a metal cactus in space.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Our mission is to find out what’s going on and not in any way risk our lives since you’re just a bunch of students and your parents would fucking kill us if we got you injured on what is basically a field trip.

JOHN CHO

Setting a course for White Castle, er, Vulcan.

CHRIS PINE

Wait a minute, did you say metal cactus in space?  IT’S A TRAP!

BRUCE GREENWOOD heeds CHRIS’S advice, stopping the ship at exactly the place it would have stopped anyway.  They see all of the other STARSHIPS destroyed by ERIC BANA’S SHIP.

CHRIS PINE

Oh my God.  I can’t believe it.

KARL URBAN

What, that you were right about the attack?

CHRIS PINE

No, that the green chick I was about to bone is dead now.  Do you have any idea how much dough I sank into her?  Shit was an investment, son!

KARL URBAN

Actually, you’re right.  Our entire graduating class just got obliterated and nobody seems to give a shit.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Alright everyone, I’m going to take a transport over to Eric Bana’s ship.  Chris, John, and some random guy wearing a red shirt will land on the giant drill that Bana is using on Vulcan which we can’t just shoot for some reason.  I’m promoting Zachary to captain.

CHRIS and JOHN land on the DRILL while the REDSHIRT dies.

CHRIS PINE

Look, we’re paying tribute to the original series by conforming to its limitations!

JOHN and CHRIS have a fistfight with some ROMULANS. CHRIS gets his ass kicked yet again.

JOHN CHO

Hmm.  I see the comical fistfight and I hear the obnoxious “fistfight with aliens” music, but I don’t see any overweight middle aged men.  Is this Star Trek or not?

Meanwhile, ANTON YELCHIN observes that ERIC BANA is creating a BLACK HOLE in the center of VULCAN.  ZACHARY decides he must rescue his parents and heads to the BEAMING ROOM to go down to the planet.

CHRIS and JOHN fall off the drill and plummet to the surface.  ANTON YELCHIN runs to the BEAMING ROOM and beams them up in midair.  ZACHARY arrives and demands to be beamed to the surface.

ANTON YELCHIN

Didn’t we just leave from the same bridge?  How did I beat you here?

ZACHARY is beamed to the surface and he finds his parents.  Just when they are all being beamed up, the ledge that ZACHARY’S MOTHER, WINONA RYDER, is standing on collapses and she falls.

ANTON YELCHIN

Zachary, I lost the lock on your mother, I can’t beam her up to the ship!

ZACHARY QUINTO

What?  You just beamed Chris and John to the ship while they were freefalling.

ANTON YELCHIN

This is different!

ZACHARY QUINTO

How is it different at all?

ANTON YELCHIN

She was in “Mr. Deeds” dude. Fuck her.

The BLACK HOLE finishes consuming VULCAN and ZACHARY assumes control of the ship.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, we’ve got to rescue Bruce Greenwood.

ZACHARY QUINTO

With him off the ship, our rating in the 18-24 demographic has increased.  Rescuing him would be highly illogical.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, without him this whole movie just looks like a bunch of kids playing Star Trek dress-up in the rich kid’s basement.  We have to get him back.  Besides, none of us can rent a car without him.

ZACHARY maroons CHRIS on a nearby planet and heads toward EARTH.

EXT.  ICE PLANET HOTH

CHRIS wanders around the surface of the ice planet until he runs into a VAGINASAURUS REX.  He stumbles down a hillside and into a CAVE, where he meets LEONARD NIMOY!

LEONARD NIMOY

Hello Chris.  I am Leonard Nimoy, the future version of Zachary Quinto.

CHRIS PINE

Makes sense, I’ve got the entire surface of a planet to work with and I stumbled into your cave.  Please, continue.

LEONARD NIMOY

Many years from now, a star explodes and turns supernova.  I tried to create a black hole in its center using red matter, but I was too late.  The supernova destroyed Romulus.  Eric Bana got all pissy about it, but we got sucked into the black hole that I created, which sent us back in time, 25 years apart for some reason.  Conveniently when my younger self was no longer wearing pointy diapers.

CHRIS PINE

Holy crap this is stupid.  Are you done?

LEONARD NIMOY

Hardly.  Anyway, Eric abducted me when I came through and stranded me here so that I could watch my home planet be destroyed.

CHRIS PINE

He does understand that he went back in time right?  And can therefore just stop his home planet from being destroyed altogether?

(pause)

So wait, why does red matter destroy planets but send ships back in time?

LEONARD NIMOY

BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!

CHRIS PINE

Apparently, since you’re close enough to Vulcan to see it with the naked eye but not so close as to be sucked into the ensuing black hole.

LEONARD NIMOY

In any case, these events have created an alternate timeline with a much larger budget.  You are meant to be captain, we must get you back to the ship.

CHRIS PINE

I’m so glad this movie is rebooting the franchise and avoiding the overused plot contrivances that plagued the originals. Any chance you want to travel back to 1980’s earth to pick up some whales?

They make their way to a FEDERATION OUTPOST and find SIMON PEGG.

SIMON PEGG

Hello.  I speak quickly in a thick Scottish accent, which passes for comic relief.  Also I’m obsessed with food because the other actor who plays this character was obese, God rest his soul. How can I help you?

LEONARD NIMOY

You can beam yourself and Chris onto a ship traveling at light speed!

SIMON PEGG

Sure, why not?  Believability pretty much went out the window with the whole red matter black hole thing, eh?

SIMON and CHRIS find themselves on the ENTERPRISE and confront ZACHARY.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, if I provoke an emotional response out of you then you’ll have to step down as captain.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Do your worst.

CHRIS PINE

Actually, considering that my “asshole dial” has been turned up to eleven since the movie started, there’s really nowhere else for me to go.  Uh, yo momma so dead…

ZACHARY QUINTO

How dead is she?

CHRIS PINE

Yo momma so dead, her maggots are being eaten by maggots!

ZACHARY starts beating the hell out of CHRIS PINE, who simply cannot seem to win a fight.  ZACHARY stops just short of opening CHRIS’S head and eating his brain to acquire “hanging off ledges” powers, though.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Damn.  Since I am unfit as captain, I suppose you will have to take my place.  And now that you have arrogantly assumed a title that you have not earned and insulted my mother, I have grown to respect you.

CHRIS PINE

Alright, here’s the plan.  We’ll beam onboard Bana’s ship, steal the red matter, ignite it, then beam back.

KARL URBAN

Er, one drop of that stuff is enough to destroy a whole planet, so the whole thing–

CHRIS PINE

BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!

KARL URBAN

Dammit Chris, I’m a Matt LeBlanc lookalike contest winner, not a physicist!

ZACHARY QUINTO

Wait, why not use some of the red matter to go back in time a bit further and stop any of this from happening?  Then I could save my home planet and my mother.

CHRIS PINE

No!  We have to do the thing that ends with a big action scene.  An action scene that requires lasers, mind you, no beaming a bomb into Bana’s ship or anything. Let’s get moving, we’ve got sequels to plan.

They execute the dumbest plan of all available options.  BANA is destroyed or maybe sent back in time again.

INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY – EARTH

CHRIS PINE is officially given the rank of CAPTAIN and receives a medal.

TYLER PERRY, UGH

Because your ship was pretty much the only one that survived, you win by default.  Congratulations.

CHRIS and ZACHARY become friends because LEONARD NIMOY told them they have to be.

LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)

Space.  The final frontier.  Unless you count time, of course.

STAR TREK FANS

Waaahhh!  They destroyed Vulcan!  The Federation knows about Romulans too early!  It’s not Gene Roddenberry’s vision! Bwaaahh!

LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)

Bah, you morons will pay for anything with the word “Trek” in the title.  Who gives a shit what any of you think?

END

FADE IN:

INT. SKYNET BASE

CHRISTIAN BALE and a team of ROBOT FODDER break into a SKYNET military base which, despite the fact that it is made for machines instead of humans, is designed to make it easy for humans to move around.

CHRISTIAN BALE

It looks like Skynet is taking human prisoners. Something’s different. This isn’t the future my mother warned me about. That future definitely had lasers, I’m sure of it. That future would have been totally sweet.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

Bale! You’re a loose cannon! You’ve destroyed over half the city! I’ve got the mayor breathing down my neck!

CHRISTIAN leaves the BASE only to discover a bunch of TERMINATORS taking more humans prisoner.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I must chase after them! If only there were an easily damageable vehicle that, when damaged, would maximize my chance of fatality! Oh, a helicopter, perfect!

CHRISTIAN grabs a HELICOPTER, which results in a CRASH that somehow leaves him unscathed. A CRIPPLED TERMINATOR chases him, but it is killed by BULLETS. Plain old, regular BULLETS. The kind that couldn’t kill TERMINATORS in the other movies.

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND

SAM WORTHINGTON wanders into the ruins of a city. He is attacked by a TERMINATOR THAT LOOKS LIKE DOLPH LUNDGREN but rescued by ANTON YELCHIN.

ANTON YELCHIN

Come with me if you want to live.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Actually I’ve read the rest of the script for this movie, I’ll just stay here, thanks.

ANTON drops some TRASH on the TERMINATOR and kills it.

SAM WORTHINGTON

What the hell was that thing?

ANTON YELCHIN

Where have you been? That was a Terminator!

SAM WORTHINGTON

No it wasn’t. Terminators are scary. That thing was wearing a headband.

ANTON YELCHIN

So who are you anyway?

SAM WORTHINGTON

I’m a prisoner that was executed in 2004. I donated my body to science because Helena Bonham Carter asked me to and she was bald with perfectly plucked eyebrows, the international moviemaking symbol for someone with cancer.

ANTON YELCHIN

Nothing suspicious about that, let’s become reluctant partners!

INT. RESISTANCE BASE

CHRISTIAN BALE gets a lecture from MICHAEL IRONSIDE while IVAN G’VERA translates.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

You don’t play by the rules, Bale! You think you’re above the law! I’m taking you off the case!

IVAN G’VERA

Mr. Ironside wants you to be aware that you and your teenage father have both been targeted by Skynet.

CHRISTIAN BALE

My father? I can’t let that happen, it would create a time paradox that wouldn’t really matter since this whole franchise just seems to make up the rules of time travel whenever it wants!

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

Turn in your gun and badge! You’re suspended until further notice!

IVAN G’VERA

Mr. Ironside also wants you to know that his team has figured out how to turn the machines off using an audio clip.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Does it secretly mimic the remote shutdown code?

IVAN G’VERA

Nah, it’s just a track off Eminem’s new album. When the machines hear it, they kill themselves. I’m pretty sure he rhymes “rubbers” with “rubbers”.

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND

SAM and ANTON drive an amazingly-still-functioning car around a bit until they attract the attention of MEGATRON.

An incredibly LOUD action sequence follows with a bunch of EXPLOSIONS.

ANTON YELCHIN

Wow, it’s all of the action of Terminator 2, without the reason to give a shit!

DIRECTOR MCG

Dude, what do you expect from me? I only have one name. And it lacks vowels.

MEGATRON captures them along with a bunch of other people. SAM escapes and runs into MOON BLOODGOOD, whose name is MOON BLOODGOOD.

MOON BLOODGOOD

Who are you? And why is McG introducing a bunch of new characters nobody cares about?

SAM WORTHINGTON

I don’t remember anything. Surely that’s not alarming to someone who ought to be living in a constant state of paranoia.

MOON BLOODGOOD

I see. Well let’s set up camp for the night. We can start a large fire to attract as many invincible murderous robots as possible. Tomorrow I’ll take you to see Christian Bale.

SAM WORTHINGTON

He’s not going to do that stupid Batman voice is he?

MOON BLOODGOOD

Hilariously enough, he is!

MOON and SAM make their way to the SUPER SECRET RESISTANCE HIDEOUT, SOLD SEPARATELY.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Sam Worthington is a machine! Strap him up, no ultra-powerful cyborg can possibly break out of a couple chains.

SAM WORTHINGTON

I’m a cyborg? How shocking to absolutely nobody since the trailer showed it!

CHRISTIAN BALE

You’re a different kind of model, I’ve never seen a Terminator with human organs before.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Skin is an organ, numbnuts.

CHRISTIAN BALE

…you and me are done professionally, man.

CHRISTIAN sulks around other parts of the base and listens to the tapes his MOTHER made for him, which have been needlessly rerecorded with slightly different lines.

MOON BLOODGOOD

I think you should let Sam go. When he and I were alone, he decided not to rape me, and “doesn’t rape people” is pretty much the only moral barometer in action movies.

CHRISTIAN BALE

No. How am I supposed to become the leader of the human resistance if I go around listening to people with more information than me?

MOON decides to free SAM. There is a dark but extremely loud chase sequence and eventually CHRISTIAN confronts SAM.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Listen, I need to go rescue Anton Yelchin, he has to be on the Star Trek set in half an hour.

CHRISTIAN BALE

He eventually grows up to become my father! I will allow you to attempt to rescue him so he can have sexual intercourse with my mother.

SAM goes to the MACHINE CITY where he is captured by machines. CHRISTIAN BALE says goodbye to his wife, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Alright, let me just stick this flash drive into a killer motorcycle and take it over. It’s a good thing the Terminators are backwards compatible with USB 2.0.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Please tell me that this isn’t how the movie has decided to portray all of the “you re-programmed me” stuff from the other movies.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Goodbye, wife who is not Claire Danes. I’m heading into the machine headquarters to rescue the guy who I later send back in time so that he can continue to be my father and I can continue to exist. Yeah, I just said that. Anyway, I’LL BE BACK.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Ugh, this whole movie isn’t just going to be a series of winks and nods to the audience members that saw the other movies, is it? Because that’s what Terminator 3 was, and it sucked big metal cyborg balls.

CHRISTIAN BALE

No, that was the last in-joke. The rest of the movie is painfully serious.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Okay good.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Just as soon as I listen to the same Guns N’ Roses album that I listened to in the second movie, a copy of which somehow survived the nuclear holocaust.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

At least it isn’t Chinese Democracy.

CHRISTIAN drives to MACHINELAND. Meanwhile, SAM awakes in a room with a BIG MONITOR (very useful for machines) with HELENA BONHAM CARTER’S FACE on it.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Hello Sam. Thank you. You have lured Christian Bale here. Our plan all along was to release you, at which point you could earn his trust and tell him that his teenage father has been captured, causing him to attempt a rescue that we could anticipate and prevent!

SAM WORTHINGTON

Why not just kill his teenage father?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

…

SAM WORTHINGTON

Did you seriously not think of this?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

CHRISTIAN BALE arrives and is attacked by CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, HOLY SHIT! ARNOLD throws CHRISTIAN around a lot rather than snapping his neck, just to be NICE.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Whoa, I’m getting my ass kicked by the first T-800. It’s kind of too bad you had to be CGI, though.

CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Are you kidding? This is the most realistic performance of my career.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Well it’s costing about a million dollars per frame, so let’s move this along.

CHRISTIAN BALE dumps a load of MOLTEN STEEL on ARNOLD and it melts his skin off, converting him back into a regular boring robot.

CHRISTIAN BALE

What the fuck? That was molten steel. That’s the thing that kills you in Terminator 2.

CHRISTIAN escapes ARNOLD and finds ANTON.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Anton! It’s very important you live. It’s also very important you switch from briefs to boxers, you gotta keep that sperm count up.

ANTON YELCHIN

We need to destroy this factory, especially considering that it’s not supposed to exist for like 10 more years.

CHRISTIAN BALE

We can detonate the power cells. Terminators are powered by explosive nuclear cells.

ANTON YELCHIN

Lemme make sure I have the rules straight. Things that can go back in time: metal endoskeletons, computer chips, liquid metal, robots with rocket launcher arms, small nuclear devices. Things that cannot: a gun, clothing.

CHRISTIAN and ANTON detonate the nuclear cells and survive the ensuing nuclear explosion.

EXT. BACK AT RESISTANCE HEADQUARTERS

CHRISTIAN is severely injured from the encounter. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD and SAM WORTHINGTON fret over him.

CHRISTIAN BALE

The T-800 ruptured my heart. The fact that I’ve survived longer than 0.2 seconds is astonishing.

SAM WORTHINGTON

I shall achieve true terminator salvation. Bryce, give Christian my heart.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Yeah, I’m a veterinarian. Unless you’re both kitty cats, this is a bad plan.

BRYCE somehow saves CHRISTIAN but everyone probably dies a year later from being exposed to nuclear radiation nonstop for ten years.

Somehow MCG manages to make another sequel anyway.

END

FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE – CANADA, 1845

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN, who kind of resembles the kid from FREAKS AND GEEKS, is sick in bed.  His brother, YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER, glowers over him while his father, PETER O’BRIEN, looks on.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Father!  I had a terrible nightmare!  I was hosting the Oscars, and I was part of this incredibly embarrassing musical number and–

PETER O’BRIEN

Shh, it’s alright son.  You’re safe now, back in Canada in 1845.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Wait, what?  Canada wasn’t even a country until 1867.  Has Hollywood managed to not discover Wikipedia yet?

Suddenly, there is a RUCKUS downstairs.

PETER O’BRIEN

It sounds like your brother’s biological father is downstairs.  I’ll be back in a minute, barring some tragic death that you’d expect to shape the very hairy man you will become but won’t.

He goes downstairs and is SHOT.  YOUNG HUGH, who suddenly doesn’t seem to be bedridden with illness, runs downstairs.  Seeing PETER dead, his knuckles get an ERECTION and he stabs YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER’S father, AARON JEFFERY.

AARON JEFFERY

He wasn’t your father.  I was.  You’ll have awesome mutton chops.

(dies)

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

I’m so confused, who the hell is related to whom then?

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

The only thing I know for certain is that mom’s a slut.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Well, the women in the audience didn’t come to see some pale kid in a robe.  We should go ahead and skip to shirtless adulthood.

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

Yeah, let’s go fight for our country in war!

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

We’re Canadian, buddy.

YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER

Let’s go fight for the United States in war for some reason!

HUGH and LIEV grow up and fight in the American Civil War, World War I, World War II, and the Vietnam War.

Eventually LIEV tries to rape someone, but his squad tries to stop him at gunpoint.  Despite the fact that he knows bullets can’t hurt LIEV, HUGH JACKMAN stops them and needlessly shows them his claws as well to move the story along.

They get a visit from DANNY HUSTON.

DANNY HUSTON

I heard you guys have some powers.

HUGH JACKMAN

Yes, I can heal myself and grow huge bone claws.

LIEV SCHREIBER

And I can heal myself and grow my fingernails out an inch or so.

DANNY HUSTON

Growing fingernails?  Wasn’t that Meg Griffin’s power in an episode of Family Guy?

LIEV SCHREIBER

I also can grow slightly less retarded-looking facial hair than Hugh.

DANNY HUSTON

I’d like you both to join my mutant team, it’s mostly made up of actors who were written off of Lost.

HUGH JACKMAN

I’ll join your team without any apparent surprise at the existence of other mutants.

HUGH and LIEV join DANNY’S TEAM: KEVIN DURAND, DOMINIC MONAGHAN, DANIEL HENNEY, WILL.I.AM, and RYAN REYNOLDS.

DANIEL HENNEY

I’m Daniel, I have really good aim with guns that already have scopes on them.

WILL.I.AM

I have a combination of Nightcrawler’s power and the power to make any credits sequence look stupid using only my name.

DOMINIC MONAGHAN

I have the power to control electrical objects.  When the plot requires it, I can also control mechanical objects.  Hold on while I land this plane.

KEVIN DURAND

I have indestructible skin and eventually I turn into a huge fat guy named The Blob after I go on my all-Arby’s diet.  Despite my skin power, I got a tattoo that has no relevance to the plot and only serves to make it more difficult to understand what my power is.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I’m good with swords.  I also have the power to take completely unfunny lines and deliver them so sarcastically that the audience thinks they’re jokes.

LIEV SCHREIBER

You look familiar.  Aren’t you Blade’s buddy?  Shouldn’t there be a rule against an actor playing two different characters from the Marvel universe?  Unless you’re Rebecca Romijn and you’re nude and painted blue for one of them, obviously.

HUGH JACKMAN

So let’s see, the leftover Marvel comics characters we got for this movie are a guy with extremely good aim, someone who uses various sharp metal weapons, and a ridiculously fat guy.  Did I walk onto the set for Daredevil?

They all break into a building to steal some METEORITE while LIEV SCHREIBER is wire-lifted into the roof of the building to apparently do absolutely nothing.

They kill twenty or so people, but when they kill the twenty-first person HUGH protests.

HUGH JACKMAN

That’s enough!  I didn’t sign up for this.

DANNY HUSTON

What exactly did you think you were signing up for?

HUGH JACKMAN

I’m not sure, but you guys are so boring that it’s making me miss Halle Berry and that’s downright criminal.  I’m out of here.

HUGH leaves to go be a lumberjack in CANADA, eh.

EXT. CANADA – 6 YEARS LATER

HUGH leaves his house at the top of a mountain and starts his four-hour commute to work.  After his girlfriend, LYNN COLLINS, cuts his dick off and feeds it to him in front of his workmates, he gets a visit from DANNY HUSTON.

DANNY HUSTON

Someone is going around killing our old team members.  Dominic Monaghan is dead.

HUGH JACKMAN

How entirely unlike Watchmen.

DANNY HUSTON

An autopsy revealed he was extremely disinterested when he was killed, which makes me think it must have been Liev Schreiber.

HUGH JACKMAN

Somehow, it doesn’t even occur to me that my girlfriend may be in danger.  Go away.

LIEV kills LYNN COLLINS, sending HUGH into a HAIRY RAGE.  He tracks down LIEV and they FIGHT.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Person who fights with the poorest wirework wins!

LIEV beats HUGH by dropping a bunch of LOGS THAT DON’T OBEY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS on him.

DANNY HUSTON

Alright, people have had enough of this mysterious background nonsense.  Let’s get you some metal claws so we can have another fight scene.

HUGH JACKMAN

Then why did we even bother making a prequel?  Didn’t we learn enough about how I got the metal claws in the second X-Men movie?

DANNY HUSTON

It wasn’t quite covered in unnecessary excruciating detail.  That’s really the point of this movie, if you couldn’t tell by the excruciatingly detailed title, which helpfully lets audience members know that this isn’t a movie about just anyone named Wolverine, but specifically the one from X-Men.

HUGH JACKMAN

At least it’s better than the draft title, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Guy With The Claws That’s In The Other Three X-Men Movies But This One Happens Before Those.

HUGH has his skeleton coated in METAL, which also coincidentally shapes his ROUND BONE CLAWS into nice sharp blades.

DANNY HUSTON

It worked!  Alright, now that he can’t be defeated and there’s no way whatsoever for us to control him, let’s kill him.

This FAILS.  HUGH jumps out of his WATER TANK and escapes after apparently taking the time to completely dry himself and his hair.  He hides out on JONATHAN AND MARTHA KENT’S FARM.

EXT. SOME FARM – STILL IN CANADA I GUESS

JONATHAN KENT finds HUGH in his BARN, naked.

JONATHAN KENT

Rather than call the police, I’m going to invite you into my house.  That’s how we roll in Canada.

HUGH goes to the bathroom and stares at his claws a bit.

HUGH JACKMAN

I can’t believe this.

JONATHAN KENT

What, that you survived having your skeleton coated in indestructible metal?

HUGH JACKMAN

No, that my computer-generated claws somehow look even less real in this movie than they did in a movie that came out nine fucking years ago.

JONATHAN KENT

No kidding.  This hardly looks any better than the leaked workprint.

(pause)

Errrrr, uh, so I’ve heard!

(pause)

Please don’t fire me, Fox!

JONATHAN is SHOT by DANIEL HENNEY.

HUGH JACKMAN

No! I can’t believe the ultra powerful government agency that tracked me to the remote Canadian Rockies was able to track me to this farm!

JONATHAN KENT

I want you to take this leather jacket and motorcycle.  They used to belong to my son, but what’s that asshole ever done for me besides not attract a mutant assassin to my home to murder me and my wife?

(dies)

HUGH JACKMAN

At long last, the secret behind some leather jacket is finally revealed! Now that’s what I call an origin story!

HUGH launches himself at DANIEL’S HELICOPTER, DIE HARD STYLE, and cuts through the helicopter like WARM BUTTER.  The HELICOPTER crashes.

DANIEL HENNEY

You can’t kill me, Hugh.  You hate me, so you wouldn’t be able to kneel next to my dead body and scream into the sky as the camera zooms out above you.

HUGH JACKMAN

That’s true, but I could ignite your helicopter fuel and walk away in slow motion as it explodes behind me.

DANIEL HENNEY

Damn, an even more overused cliche. Touche, Hugh.

HUGH does this, then apparently rides his motorcycle 1,200 miles to LAS VEGAS in a day.

INT. GYMNASIUM – LAS VEGAS

HUGH finds WILL.I.AM and KEVIN DURAND WEARING THE FAT BASTARD MAKEUP.

HUGH JACKMAN

Holy crap Kevin, what that hell have you done for the last 6 years?

KEVIN DURAND

Well I starred in my own spin-off: Glutty Professor 2: The Blobs.

WIL.I.AM

Are you looking for Liev?  Because he and Danny work together on some island, rounding up mutants to build some kind of supermutant.  That’s why he wanted to experiment on you: to get your super-healing DNA.

HUGH JACKMAN

Why did he bother actually giving me the adamantium, then?

WILL.I.AM

Dude, just give up on trying to get this movie to make sense and go have another CGI fight scene.

KEVIN DURAND

If you want to find the island, you need to visit this guy that escaped named Taylor Kitsch.  They call him Gambit since that’s the only X-Men character anyone gives a shit about who hasn’t been in a movie yet.

HUGH JACKMAN

What better way could you treat a well-loved X-Men character than with an awkward, pointless cameo?

HUGH hops on his motorcycle and rides 1,700 miles to NEW ORLEANS.

INT. BAR – NEW ORLEANS

HUGH finds TAYLOR KITSCH playing POKER and making cards float around in the air, because other poker players just love it when their opponents display superhuman abilities with cards.

HUGH JACKMAN

Are you Geeymmbit?

(coughs)

Sorry, kangaroo in my throat. Gambit.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Depends, am I going to have to star in my own X-Men Origins movie if I am?

HUGH JACKMAN

I doubt it, your performance will probably kill any chances of that happening.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Then yes.  How can I help you awkwardly force the plot forward?

HUGH JACKMAN

I need you to get me back to the island where Liev Schreiber is hiding.  I want to kill him.

Suddenly, LIEV shows up and fights HUGH.  TAYLOR, oblivious to the fact that HUGH is about to kill his nemesis, does nothing but get in HUGH’S way. 

HUGH knocks TAYLOR out, which apparently teleports him to the top of a nearby roof so he jumps down and stops HUGH again.  LIEV gets away.

HUGH JACKMAN

Seriously?  One of the coolest X-Men of all time and your role in the movie is just to get in the titular character’s way like a bumbling sidekick? 

TAYLOR KITSCH

How about I make it up to you by flying you 1,150 miles to Liev’s hideout on Three Mile Island on my prop plane?

HUGH JACKMAN

My magic motorcycle could probably get me there in under 6 minutes, but fine.

They fly to THREE MILE ISLAND, where LIEV and DANNY have imprisoned all of the X-MEN CHARACTERS that haven’t been in a movie yet.

INT. POWER PLANT – THREE MILE ISLAND

HUGH frees a bunch of kids, including a YOUNG JAMES MARSDEN.

YOUNG JAMES MARSDEN

Thanks for freeing me, faceless stranger.  I wish I could see you, but I have to wear a blindfold since I don’t have the optic-blast-blocking sunglasses that I somehow managed to find or make or something.

HUGH JACKMAN

Great.  Well, make sure you don’t listen to any of your new friends when they tell you about the super-hairy guy with metal claws that freed you, otherwise the first X-Men movie won’t even make as much sense as this piece of shit.

HUGH JACKMAN finds DANNY HUSTON building a new SUPERMUTANT, SILENT RYAN REYNOLDS.

DANNY HUSTON

Hello Hugh.  As you can see, I’ve sealed Ryan Reynolds’s mouth shut.

HUGH JACKMAN

You took a character nicknamed “The Merc with a Mouth” and sealed said mouth shut?  That’s like making a Spiderman movie where he can’t shoot web. Or a Fantastic Four movie that doesn’t suck.

DANNY HUSTON

Just hold on a second while I type “Decapitate” into the application that controls Ryan.  I have to type everything because we spent all our money on adamantium and couldn’t afford Visual Basic licenses.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Decapitate: Permission Denied.

DANNY HUSTON

Ack!  Sudo decapitate.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Huston is not in the sudoers file.  This incident will be reported.

DANNY HUSTON

Fuck me, su root && decapitate!

RYAN pushes ADAMANTIUM KATANAS out of his arms to fight HUGH while saying nothing, his lips sealed shut in a way that somehow prevents his new healing ability from repairing them.

HUGH JACKMAN

Fucking Deadpool has fucking retractable katanas?  How does that even work, they’re twice as long as his arms?!

RYAN kicks HUGH’S ASS, so LIEV rescues him.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Nobody kills you but me, brother.

HUGH JACKMAN

Is that line really all we’re going to do to justify the two of us working together?  It’s kind of disturbing to think of a screenwriter actually writing that line and then moving on.

HUGH and LIEV fight RYAN.  RYAN unleashes OPTIC BLASTS against LIEV, because apparently he has those too and he has better control over them than the mutant whose DNA he used.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Arrgghh! Somehow your optic blasts don’t even burn my clothing!

HUGH JACKMAN

It’s a good thing the audience doesn’t know we both survive because of first X-Men movie, otherwise this scene would be utterly lacking any suspense!

While RYAN is distracted, HUGH slices his head off and pushes him into a COOLING TOWER.

The SILENT VILLIAN that wields DOUBLE BLADES falls down a large open SHAFT, his body SPLITTING as it falls.

HUGH JACKMAN

Awesome.  We’ve managed to rip off the worst of the Star Wars movies now.  Are we done yet or are there any more cool X-Men characters this movie wants to ruin?

DANNY shows up with a gun loaded with ADAMANTIUM BULLETS.

HUGH JACKMAN

Adamantium bullets?  Maybe you should try an adamantium stake through the heart or adamantium garlic while you’re at it.

DANNY HUSTON

My understanding is also that you can’t see your own reflection in an adamantium mirror.

DANNY shoots HUGH in the head.

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh no, I can’t remember anything!

DANNY HUSTON

Because shooting you in the head destroyed your memories?

HUGH JACKMAN

No, because this is the most unmemorable comic book movie since Catwoman.  Who am I?  Where am I?  What year is it?

DANNY HUSTON

Well, it’s 1979, not that the costuming or set decoration give you any indication that’s the case.  Here, have some 2009-era currency.

THE CAMERA zooms into the sky, providing a bird’s eye view of an island that goes out of its way not to actually look like THREE MILE ISLAND.

X-MEN ORIGINS: THAT GUY THAT CAN MAKE LIGHT BULBS TURN ON WITH HIS MIND is rushed into production.

END

FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES

PAUL RUDD proposes to his girlfriend, KAREN FILIPELLI.

KAREN FILIPELLI

I’m so excited to marry you, Blandy McNobody! Who is going to be your best man?

PAUL RUDD

Oh no, I don’t have any really good male friends, so I have no best man! What a humorously relatable situation! I’ll go ask my brother, Andy Samberg, for advice!

KAREN FILIPELLI

Wait, you have a brother?

PAUL RUDD

Yeah. He’s gay, which is funny.

KAREN FILIPELLI

Why not just make him your best man?

PAUL RUDD

Oh. Er, right. That was easy. I guess the movie’s over.

KAREN FILIPELLI

Guess so.

JASON SEGEL

Am I the new Will Ferrell yet?

END