“I want a tunic! Chicks dig the tunic.”

FADE IN:

EXT.  OLD-TIMEY FRANCE

CHRIS O’DONNELL gallivants across the countryside.

                           CHRIS O’DONNELL
               Tra-la-la, I’m just a hotheaded farm boy
               armed with his father’s sword, off to
               join a mythical order of warriors!  Hmm,
               where have I heard that before…

PAUL McGANN bursts out of the bushes in a wig and makeup that MARIE
ANTOINETTE would call “a bit much”.

                              PAUL MCGANN
               Not so fast, Chris -- I saw you macking on
               my sister before you left.

                           CHRIS O’DONNELL
               Zut alors!

CHRIS escapes by crashing through several villages.

                                PEASANTS
               Dick.  

CHRIS immediately ends up in another chase and rescues GABRIELLE ANWAR
and JULIE DELPY.

                            GABRIELLE ANWAR
               You idiot, I’m the queen!

                              JULIE DELPY
                 (eye-banging CHRIS)
               And I'm single.

                           CHRIS O’DONNELL
               We can bone later, but first I’ve got to
               French half of France.

                              JULIE DELPY
                 (fans self)

INT.  PALACE 

CARDINAL TIM CURRY and his lead minion MICHAEL WINCOTT pull the heads
off dolls and throw rocks at puppies while whistling “Frere
Jacques”.

                               TIM CURRY
               Hmm, I wonder if we’re the BAD guys?

                            MICHAEL WINCOTT
               Seeing as we both have British accents,
               plus I’m wearing an all-black outfit and
               an eyepatch -- what do YOU think?

                               TIM CURRY
               Wait, aren’t you forgetting something?  

                            MICHAEL WINCOTT
               Oh, right.
                 (sandpapers vocal chords)
               Now that I have my Official Bad Guy Voice,
               time to disband the musketeers and start a
               war.

EXT.  PARIS

CHRIS bumps into THE THREE MUSKETEERS and their period-appropriate
mullets.  

                              OLIVER PLATT
               I’m the comic relief one!  

                           KIEFER SUTHERLAND
               I'm the moody leader one.

                             CHARLIE SHEEN
               And I’m the moral, religious one.  

                           CHRIS O’DONNELL
               YOU?!

CHARLIE teaches Bible study to MARRIED WOMEN with his PENIS.  

                           CHRIS O’DONNELL
               That’s more like it.  Now, prepare to
               die!

                           KIEFER SUTHERLAND
               The fuck?!  Your whole thing is wanting to
               be a musketeer but right away you’re
               going to try to kill us?  

                           CHRIS O’DONNELL
               Hey, at least I’m consistent -- I’ve
               already beat the shit out of basically
               every single person I’ve met.

MICHAEL and his RED SHIRTS -- ahem, RED GUARDS -- conveniently interrupt
the heroes killing each other.  CHRIS fights the RED GUARD CAPTAIN, who
for no apparent reason is also played by PAUL McGANN!

                              PAUL MCGANN
               I also appeared in the BBC series -- I
               must be going for some sort of musketeer
               bingo.

                           CHRIS O’DONNELL
               The reward is plunging to your death off
               this tower.

                              PAUL MCGANN
               Worth it!
                 (splats)

MICHAEL hits CHRIS with a DRAMATIC SCENE TRANSITION PUNCH.

The movie had to be rewritten from scratch when they found there was no term for "the irrational fear of shadow puppets".

FADE IN:

EXT.  VENEZUELA

MARK L. TAYLOR arrives in the jungles of VENEZUELA, where he meets
JULIAN SANDS.

                             MARK L. TAYLOR
               Hey there, are you the bug professor? 
               I’m the sports photographer who’s been
               sent to take photos of your bugs.

                              JULIAN SANDS
               What?  But miniature nature photography is
               an incredibly specialized field that
               requires all sorts of different skills and
               equipment to action photography.  Why did
               they send you?

                             MARK L. TAYLOR
               Uh, they said they needed a clueless noob
               for you to explain stuff to?

                              JULIAN SANDS
               Oh right, I do need me one of those. 
               Okay, come on, let’s head down into the
               Forbidden Valley of Death.

They descend into an isolated VALLEY, where MARK proceeds to squick out
about EVERY DAMN THING.

                             MARK L. TAYLOR
               Ick, ew, bugs and stuff!  Nobody warned me
               that the Venezuelan rainforest might have
               insects in it!

                              JULIAN SANDS
               Oh when will people understand these
               beautiful and majestic creatures?  Instead
               of appreciating them the way we
               entomologists do, all you can think to do
               is kill them!
                 (sighs)
               Anyway, let’s pump this valley full of
               insecticide and make it rain bug corpses.

They literally let off a GIANT CLOUD OF POISON and put out BUCKETS to
collect all the DEAD INSECTS which fall from the sky.

                              JULIAN SANDS
                 (flipping through dead insects)
               Got it, got it, got it - ooh, need it! 
               Hey check out this giant monster spider,
               it’s an undocumented specimen!  And
               somehow it survived the poison cloud!

                             MARK L. TAYLOR
               Instead of it popping up back alive right
               now, shouldn’t we have had it do that
               back at camp so it could get loose and set
               the events of the movie in motion?

                              JULIAN SANDS
               That would’ve been the organic and
               sensible way to go sure, but instead a
               whole second baseball-sized monster spider
               will hide out on our luggage like a ninja
               for no reason and then THAT will get
               loose.

This HAPPENS.  The second SPIDER invades MARK’S TENT and BITES HIM and
he instantly DIES.

                              JULIAN SANDS
               Gasp, Mark’s dead!  It must be from the
               fever that we vaguely mentioned thirty
               seconds before he died!  Oh well, let’s
               just pack his body in a crate and ship it
               back to his home town for burial.

                          JULIAN’S ASSISTANT
               Surely US quarantine laws wouldn’t allow
               into the country the dead body of somebody
               who was killed in less than a day by an
               unidentified exotic disease?

                              JULIAN SANDS
               They’ll do it without even performing a
               cursory examination, otherwise there’s
               no movie.

                          JULIAN’S ASSISTANT
               Okay, but I can’t imagine anybody would
               ever accept the preposterous notion that
               America would get this dangerously lax
               about quarantine laws...

"Fool. You'll NEVER get a decent signal out here."

FADE IN:

EXT.  ENGLAND

Eager young ANIMATORS sign up for the ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME...  or so
they have been told.

                               ANIMATORS
                 (to tune of "The Virginia Company")
               Jeff Katzenberg convinced us
               This film was guaranteed
               To score Best Picture gold
               For the Walt Disney Company!
               So we warped this real-life story
               And we made it rated G
               Real hist'ry can't be told
               By the Walt Disney Company!

Meanwhile, in the MOVIE, MEL GIBSON and his sidekick CHRISTIAN BALE
prepare to sail off to the NEW WORLD.

                             CHRISTIAN BALE
               I sure hope you know what to expect from
               any humans we find on this vast continent,
               Mel.

                               MEL GIBSON
               I've seen Peter Pan, haven't I? If
               they interrupt our exploring or our
               musical interludes, we'll kill them
               without question like everyone else.

                             CHRISTIAN BALE
               I don't know what else I expected from Mel
               Gibson.
                                 ADMITTEDLY VERY COOL FOG TRANSITION TO:

EXT.  BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS, NOW WITH A COASTLINE BECAUSE FUCK MAPS

IRENE BEDARD stands beautifully and spiritually on a PERILOUSLY HIGH AND
NARROW ROCK.

                              IRENE BEDARD
                 (to tune of "Steady as the Beating
                 Drum")
               Welcome to Virginia's coast!
               Now with thousand-meter cliffs!
               Time to go and meet the boats--
                 (dives)
               THIS COULD KILL ME HOLY SHIIIIIIT

She emerges without any SPINAL CORD INJURIES and greets her father,
CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS.

                          CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS
               Good news, Irene!  You've--

                              IRENE BEDARD
               --gotten an offer of marriage from a guy I
               don't like, which makes me question
               whether or not I really want to be a
               princess.

                          CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS
               Oh.  How'd you guess?

                              IRENE BEDARD
                 (points to wall hanging depicting
                 BELLE and JASMINE and leaving room for
                 MULAN and MERIDA)

                          CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS
               Okay, yeah, but you'll change your mind
               once I tell you that the guy is our
               bravest warrior, James Apaumut Fell!  Just
               check out this fine stack of man-meat!

They look at JAMES, who is cleaning the BLOOD off his ARROWS while a
gaggle of ADMIRING WOMEN stand by.

                           JAMES APAUMUT FELL
                 (nods at the admirer gaggle)
               'Sup.

                             ADMIRER GAGGLE
                 (*SQUEE SWOON SPLOOSH*)

                              IRENE BEDARD
               Not bad, but not as good as being playful
               and independent.  I was thinking of taking
               a year off and doing a Eurostar tour, or
               maybe volunteering for Habitat for
               Humanity, and then come back and do the
               whole marriage thing?

                          CHIEF RUSSELL MEANS
               Nice try.  But you shouldn't overthink
               this.  James may be less playful than most
               bacteria, but he does know how to make a
               proper dovetail joint, which matters a lot
               more in a marriage.

IRENE rows down the RIVER and away from her dad's STUPID BOOMER CRAP.

"Damn. It's been so long since I made one of these things that I've literally forgotten how to walk and point a gun at the same time."

FADE IN:

EXT.  STREETS OF MIAMI

SUPERCOPS WILL SMITH and MARTIN LAWRENCE are speeding recklessly down
the FREEWAY, missing other cars by NANOMETERS, leaving a wave of CHAOS
and PANIC in their wake!

                               WILL SMITH
               Yowza, this is dangerous!  But we must
               stop at nothing if we want to catch that
               psycho drug dealer or whatever!
                 (runs five red lights while driving
                 against traffic blindfolded)

                            MARTIN LAWRENCE
               No, we’re not chasing any bad guys. 
               We’re just hurrying to the hospital.

                               WILL SMITH
               Oh.  Well then, hold tight buddy!  I
               won’t let you die on me!
                 (ramps over schoolchildren)

                            MARTIN LAWRENCE
               Nah, I’m just going there because my
               daughter’s having a baby.

                               WILL SMITH
               ...Seriously?  That is absolutely not a
               dire emergency worth me risking the life
               of every driver and pedestrian in Miami.
                 (takes shortcut straight through
                 public library)

                            MARTIN LAWRENCE
               Oh well, good to see that our characters
               are still the obnoxious overgrown
               adolescents they were twenty-five years
               ago.

They arrive at the HOSPITAL, where MARTIN’S DAUGHTER clearly gave
birth like AN HOUR AGO, so phew, good thing they hurried.

EXT.  STREETS OF MEXICO

Meanwhile in MEXICO, an AMBULANCE speeds away from a PRISON.

                               PARAMEDIC
               Patient is a middle-aged female, with
               wounds of some variety or other,
               presumably.

                                 DRIVER
               Wait, what?  You didn’t check the nature
               or severity of her wounds before moving
               her?

                               PARAMEDIC
               Nope.  I just saw a woman lying there in a
               blood-soaked prison guard uniform and
               thought “Eh, she was probably stabbed or
               something, I dunno”, then tossed her in
               the back of the ambulance.

                                 DRIVER
               You idiot!  haven’t you ever seen
               Silence of the Lambs?

                           KATE DEL CASTILLO
                 (popping up)
               I obviously have!

NEWLY-ESCAPED CONVICT KATE DEL CASTILLO murders the AMBULANCE GUYS and
then is picked up by her GANG LEADER SON, JACOB SCIPIO.

                           KATE DEL CASTILLO
               Okay!  Now that I’ve finally escaped
               after twenty-seven years in prison -
               through a method I presumably could have
               used just as easily twenty-six-and-a-half
               years ago - it’s time for us to revive
               our family’s drug empire!
                 (smashes Jacob’s father’s ashes,
                 pulls out USB drive)
               Here, this us the location of your
               father’s hidden fortune in cash.

                              JACOB SCIPIO
               Wait, what the fuck?  Who put that in
               there?  I’m only just now finding out
               about it, you’ve been in prison until
               now, and I’d be very surprised if Dad
               managed to do it himself.

                           KATE DEL CASTILLO
               I suppose there was somebody he trusted
               enough to give this valuable
               information...  who then chose not to just
               give it to you a decade ago, but instead
               decided to wait until your father died in
               prison and then desecrate his remains. 
               That was needlessly complicated of him.
                 (shrugs)
               Oh well, who cares, the whole money thing
               isn’t really relevant anyway.  The
               important thing is that we’re gonna kill
               all the people who were involved in
               sending your father and I to prison,
               ESPECIALLY that asshole cop Will Smith!

                              JACOB SCIPIO
               Okay.  Any reason THAT couldn’t have
               also been done literally decades ago?

                           KATE DEL CASTILLO
               Look, this is when the movie is set so
               this is when everything has to arbitrarily
               happen, all right?  Now go make with the
               murders.

Dustin learns that the virus only attacks lifeforms shorter than 5'5".

FADE IN:

EXT.  ZAIRE - 1967

WAR and DEATH and MONKEYS are happening!  In a small village, AMERICAN
SOLDIERS are hard at work succumbing to DISEASE when there is a surprise
inspection by YOUNG DONALD SUTHERLAND.

                           DONALD SUTHERLAND
               Since we haven't developed de-aging CGI
               yet, we'll achieve the "young" effect by
               keeping me inside this full-body hazmat
               suit.  What's the situation?

                              LOCAL DOCTOR
               This virus is super deadly, look how it
               lays waste to entire squads of soldiers! 
               We desperately need supplies and oh fuck
               you're already weaponizing it in your head
               aren't you.

                           DONALD SUTHERLAND
               Huh?  Oh no no no.  I'll be happy to
               airdrop you medicine, I can tell this
               village has a severe napalm deficiency.
                 (takes off)

                              LOCAL DOCTOR
               Well shit.

The village EXPLODES as DUSTIN HOFFMAN'S name appears in the EXPLOSION
all ACTION-STYLE, the only time THAT'S ever happened unless you count
the Director's Cut of ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN #RELEASETHEBERNSTEINCUT.

INT.  MILITARY VIRUS LAB - PRESENT DAY, THAT BEING 1995 - WHICH IS NOW
NEARLY AS LONG AGO AS 1967 WAS WHEN THIS MOVIE WAS PRESENT DAY,
WHAAAAAAT

The camera pans continuously as we see the labs marked BIOHAZARD LEVEL
ONE, BIOHAZARD LEVEL TWO, BIOHAZARD LEVEL THREE, even BIOHAZARD LEVEL
FUCKING FOUR, and holy shit the camera is just WALTZING THE FUCK AROUND
RIGHT THROUGH THIS WHOLE DAMN PLACE, not getting CHECKED OR CLEANED OR
ANYTHING GOD DAMN HAVE YOU HEARD OF CONTAMINATION PROTOCOLS FOR FUCK'S
SAKE?!?

                               SCIENTIST
               Plus look at all the shit we're touching
               with our bare hands!  Hahahaha this is
               gonna look so horrible to audiences in
               June 2020, to pick a random month in the
               far future.

INT.  BACK IN ZAIRE - 1995

Meanwhile, the crack Army virus team of DUSTIN HOFFMAN, CUBA GOODING
JR., and CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER arrive at a small village to deal with a
new potential OUTBREAK!

                             DUSTIN HOFFMAN
               This had better be good.  I had to leave
               washing my adorable dogs, and dealing with
               my ex-wife Rene Russo who just took a new
               job at the CDC, to be here.  Did I miss
               anything?
                 (checks notes)

                            CUBA GOODING JR.
               This may be my first mission, but I've
               trained hard for this.  I'm the most
               well-prepared, reliable soldier you could
               wish for.  Now let's see how this kid is
               dealing with the putrid bodies of his dead
               parentsOHGODDDDD FUUUCK
                 (rips off hazmat suit)
                 (vomits)
                 (shits pants)

                              ZAKES MOKAE
                 (arriving)
               Hello.  Don't worry, he'll be safe, the
               virus is not airborne.

                             DUSTIN HOFFMAN
               Oh thank goodness!
                 (rips off hazmat suit)
                 (pisses on suit and burns it)
                 (jogs about taking deep, deep breaths)
               So who are you again?

                              ZAKES MOKAE
               Uh, I'm a doctor and I was about to back
               up that "not airborne" thing with some
               evidence but sure, whatevs.  The crucial
               thing is that this virus kills people
               super duper quick.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               That's lucky for us, it means the virus
               won't spread far.
                 (thinks)
               Unless there's a host monkey that can
               carry it while not dying.  And unless that
               particular monkey gets captured by
               trappers who want to take it across the
               ocean to sell to an animal testing
               facility in San Jose, and that particular
               monkey THEN gets stolen by some random
               douchebag who wants to sell it to a pet
               shop.
                 (smiles)
               But what are the odds of THAT happening??
                 (general laughter)

Unbeknownst to our heroes, overlooking them in the jungle...  is the
HOST MONKEY!

Bill and Helen find out that, indeed... it IS raining men.

FADE IN:

EXT.  OKLAHOMA - A VERY OK STATE - 1969

A FAMILY is awakened by an approaching F5 TORNADO and run down to the
storm cellar WITH THEIR DOG, DON'T WORRY.  The dad has trouble with the
BUSTED CELLAR DOOR.

                                  MOM
               So the only thing standing between us and
               the "finger of God" is one flimsy, rusty
               lock?  

                                  DAD
               Goddamnit Marium, I told you before!  I
               have more important things to worry about
               than the safety of my family living in a
               tornado-ridden area.

                            YOUNG HELEN HUNT
               Daddy, is that lion roars I hear?  Did
               they add that to make the tornado scarier?
                'Cause I'm pretty sure tornadoes are high
               on the list of things that would scare the
               shit out of people.

                                  DAD
               I dunno, but don't give anyone any ideas. 
               Next thing you know they'll be putting
               sharks in it.

The DAD tries to hold the door shut but as a surprise to NO ONE he is
not strong enough to hold down a storm nicknamed the FINGER OF GOD.

                                  DAD
                 (flying though the air)
               NOOO!  Surely this traumatic event will
               prompt my daughter to become a storm
               chaser in an effort to avenge my death as
               she screams from the safety of the back of
               the storm cellar where I probably should
               have stayed in the first place oh well
               lesson learned the hard way I guess
               AAAAHHHHHHH
                 (dies)

                            YOUNG HELEN HUNT
                 (traumatized)

                                AUDIENCE
               Whew!  For a second there, I really
               thought the dog was gonna die.

EXT.  OKLAHOMA - PRESENT DAY/1996 

Ex-storm chaser BILL PAXTON drives his BRAND NEW 'MERICAN MADE DODGE RAM
PICKUP TRUCK to meet HELEN HUNT'S FLUFFY HAIR and also HELEN HUNT. 
Tagging along is his fiancée, JAMI GERTZ, and fun fact, she auditioned
for the role of MONICA GELLAR and HOOO BOY, bet she was bummed she
didn't get that one.

                               HELEN HUNT
               Oh, hi Bill!  Did you come for the divorce
               papers I've been sitting on so you could
               marry your new girlfriend hahahaha I'm not
               torn up about our breakup at all hahahaha.

                              BILL PAXTON
               Yes I did.  So if you could hand them over
               while simultaneously doing a terrible job
               at hiding your feelings for me, that would
               be great.

BILL introduces JAMI to the rest of the RAG TAG TEAM including ACADEMY
AWARD WINNER PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN showing off his STELLAR ACTING
SKILLS.

                         PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
               Deeeewwwddd.  Have you heard of the part
               of a twister called the "suck zone?"

                               JAMI GERTZ
               Don't make me get my mace.

                               HELEN HUNT
               In another attempt at stalling our
               impending divorce, let me show you
               Dorothy, the garbage can-like apparatus we
               built to scan tornadoes, based on your
               design!  Plus there's a series of storm
               systems coming up the likes of which are
               rare but nonetheless great for a movie. 
               We should join forces, or genitalia...  or
               you know whatever hahahaha!

                              BILL PAXTON
               You see Jami, we put Dorothy in the
               tornado's path and these little scanners
               fly up the funnel and measure it from the
               inside.  Back in the day here in Oklahoma,
               I was kind of known as the Tornado King. 
               The only thing that could stop me was...

Just then, a fleet of BLACK 'MERICAN MADE DODGE VANS shows up, driven by
the movie's blonde-haired villain!

"Thank you for your Baldwin impression, Mr. Dano. You may sit down."

FADE IN:

INT.  THE BROOK-HAMSTER SCHOOL FOR UPPER-CLASS TWITS

Classics teacher KEVIN KLINE arrives at his CLASSROOM.

                            KEVIN KLINE (VO)
               In my decades-long career as a teacher of
               weighty subject matter designed to help
               you think differently about the world and
               your own life, I have found two things to
               be true.  First, that voiceover info dumps
               are very annoying when you'll plainly see
               and hear the info they dump over the next
               two hours.  Second, that this gray hair
               dye makes me look like a wet deerhound.

His STUDENTS enter.

                              KEVIN KLINE
               This morning you heard Headmaster Edward
               Herrmann recite two of this movie's many,
               many morals, to say nothing of the other
               two I recited in my voiceover.  Mr. Dano,
               would you be so kind as to read a fifth
               moral for us?  It's on the sign over the
               door.

                               PAUL DANO
               "I am Shigurkagurk Blurkity-Blurk, ruler
               of an empire that no longer exists,
               worshipper of a god that I'm pretty sure
               nobody worships anymore, and conqueror of
               the kind of ancient city that terrorists
               love to blow up for funsies."

                              KEVIN KLINE
               And what meaning do you take from this
               passage, Mr. Eisenberg?

                            JESSE EISENBERG
               Blowing up cities for funsies is bad?

                              KEVIN KLINE
               No.  I mean, yes, but the other thing. 
               Mr. Mehta?

                              RISHI MEHTA
               The study of classical antiquity should be
               expanded to include more interesting
               civilizations than just the Greeks and the
               Romans?

                              KEVIN KLINE
               Okay, also yes, but here's MY point: Live
               your life in a way that makes people
               remember you without a movie in which
               you're the poster boy for irrelevance.

That evening, he meets up with fellow teacher EMBETH DAVIDTZ.

                             EMBETH DAVIDTZ
               I have a husband.  He's not you.

                              KEVIN KLINE
               That's a pity.

                             EMBETH DAVIDTZ
               You and I are very compatible.

                              KEVIN KLINE
               We are.

                             EMBETH DAVIDTZ
               We're both residents of this property
               where my incompatible husband is not
               present.

                              KEVIN KLINE
               Correct.

                             EMBETH DAVIDTZ
               ...Look, do I need to draw you a map? 
               Saddle up your Trojan horse and BUST
               INSIDE.

                              KEVIN KLINE
               Huh?

It is now known that some cultures developed hydrogen peroxide before the wheel.

FADE IN:

EXT.  SOUTH PACIFIC

YOUNG BROOKE SHIELDS and YOUNG CHRISTOPHER ATKINS are passengers on a
VICTORIAN-ERA SAILING SHIP, along with CHRISTOPHER’S DAD WILLIAM
DANIELS and GALLEY COOK LEO MCKERN.

                           YOUNG CHRISTOPHER
                                 ATKINS
               i miss my mommy who is dead of vague dead
               parent syndrome

                          YOUNG BROOKE SHIELDS
               well i miss both my vaguely dead parents
               so shut up i win

                            WILLIAM DANIELS
               Ah yes, I remember the days before good
               child actors.  NOT missing those days. 
               But hmmm, two mostly-orphans on a
               nineteenth century sailboat, this seems
               like the setup for some kind of trashy
               erotic novel...

                               LEO MCKERN
               Ye best be believin’ in trashy erotic
               novels!  YER IN ONE!  YARRR!

                            WILLIAM DANIELS
               Really not holding back with the nautical
               stereotype, are you there Rumpole?

                               LEO MCKERN
                 (with parrot and eyepatch suddenly)
               AVAST ME HEARTIES!  YO HO HO!  WEIGH
               ANCHOR AND HOIST THE MIZZEN!

                            WILLIAM DANIELS
               All right, all right, just settle down and
               lets start mechanically forcing this
               movie’s super-contrived premise into
               place.

                               LEO MCKERN
               Shiver me timbers, the ship is on fire
               somehow all of a sudden!

                            WILLIAM DANIELS
               Ah.  Shall we try to put it out?

                               LEO MCKERN
               No, it’s about to set off the gunpowder!
                Abandon ship!

                            WILLIAM DANIELS
               The gunpowder?  On this small unarmed
               commercial vessel which is carrying
               civilian passengers?

                               LEO MCKERN
               Aye, why not!  TO THE LIFEBOATS!  Come on
               kids, me and two small children will take
               a whole ten-man lifeboat for ourselves
               while my fellow crew plunge helplessly
               into the sea around us!

They DO THIS.  The ship EXPLODES into a MILLION PIECES and by the time
the smoke clears, NONE OF THE OTHER LIFEBOATS are ANYWHERE IN SIGHT.

                               LEO MCKERN
               Curses!  I suppose I will have to use
               every navigation technique at my disposal
               to - eh, fuck it, a plot this contrived we
               might as well just lounge around until we
               randomly drift to land.

"SHARING IS CARING, ASSFACE"

FADE IN:

INT.  RUNDOWN BUILDING - MOMBASA

US soldier VIN DIESEL is rescuing HOSTAGES!  He starts MURDERING BAD
GUYS by firing shots in random directions which always happen to have a
BAD GUY at the other end.

                               VIN DIESEL
               Now to be even more badass by setting off
               a smoke grenade and WALKING RIGHT THROUGH
               IT WITH NO EYE PROTECTION AT ALL, FUCK
               YESSSS

VIN defeats the FINAL BADDIE!  He immediately trades in his COMBAT GEAR
for a TANK TOP, HOT BABE, and FAST CAR and yep this sure is a bold new
direction for VIN, maybe this version lives life a HALF KILOMETRE at a
time.

EXT.  AMALFI COAST - ITALY

VIN and his wife TALULAH RILEY blissfully wander about the Italian
coast, partaking of sunbeam gelato and unicorn lattes oh and also SUPER
HOT FUCKSEX thanks to VIN'S BACK-CRACKING HIGH-COCKTANE NITRO-JUNK.

                               VIN DIESEL
               Okay yes this intro might seem WAAYY over
               the top, but that's a CLUE to the fact
               these are all fake simulated memories!

                             TALULAH RILEY
               But this is how you introduce yourself in
               every movie.

                               VIN DIESEL
                 (smiles)
                 (taps temple)

The next morning VIN hopes for BREAKFAST IN BED but instead gets GOONS
IN THE BATHROOM!  Luckily there are only EIGHT GOONS so VIN is able to
easily PULVERIZE them using ONE FINGER EACH while FLIPPING THEM OFF with
the remaining two!  But as he goes to warn TALULAH he is DRUGGED!!

INT.  SLAUGHTERHOUSE FULL OF SLABS OF UNEXPRESSIVE BEEF 

VIN wakes up tied to a CHAIR.  TALULAH is also tied to a CHAIR!  They
are confronted by TOBY KEBBELL who is NOT tied to a CHAIR.

                              TOBY KEBBELL
               Quake before my evil flip-flops of doom! 
               Tremble before my silly dancing!
                 (plays "Psycho Killer")
               Don't forget that song!  Now Vin I demand
               information about the Mombasa operation or
               I will kill Talulah, all No Country for
               Old Men style.

                               VIN DIESEL
               We've sure invested a lot of time building
               this backstory which, thanks to trailers,
               the audience already knows is utterly
               fake.  Can we please get to it.

                              TOBY KEBBELL
               I'll do what I can.
                 (kills Talulah!)
                 (kills Vin!!)

"And THEN I'll be a Disney Princess, and THEN I'll star in a Best Picture Nominee, and THEN... shall we look at your career again, Rupert?"

FADE IN:

EXT.  SUBURBAN STREET WHICH IS PERFECTLY NORMAL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

To ensure no one sees him doing any magic, RICHARD HARRIS causes a bunch
of LIGHT BLOBS to fly around the street.  He prepares to delivery a
SURPRISE BABY, so he rings the doorbell and explains the unfortunate
situa-

                             RICHARD HARRIS
               By the Beard of Gandalf, no I do not!  I
               just had to endure three hours comforting
               a sobbing emo, I am NOT missing
               Honeydukes’
               Voldemort-is-Dead-Also-Halloween-Was-Yeste
               rday sale on fudge bites.  Drop the baby
               on the doorstep and we’re good to go.  

                              MAGGIE SMITH
               Are you sure about that, Professor Harris?
                I’ve been watching these people all
               day, and have deduced them seriously
               abusive twats.

                             RICHARD HARRIS
               No, Harry must live with family.  For you
               see, his mother’s sacrifice keeps him
               safe from Lord Voldemort, and if Harry
               doesn’t live with his mom’s family
               it’ll stop working or something.  Care
               for some skittles?

                            ROBBIE COLTRANE
               Er, I don’ mean to be rude...  but how
               the ruddy hell do yeh know tha’?

                              MAGGIE SMITH
               Yeah, if no one saw exactly how Mrs.
               Potter died, how do you know this
               never-before-seen phenomenon will keep
               Harry safe?

                            ROBBIE COLTRANE
               And does tha' protection apply to
               Voldemort’s henchmen, also?  Is this
               protection motive-based?  And will tha’
               keep working after Voldemort gets some of
               Harry's blood and thus removes the—

                             RICHARD HARRIS
                 (spitting out chocolate)
               OH MY GODRIC, you guys.  This is a Chris
               Columbus movie with Chris Columbus pacing,
               if you keep delaying things I’ll be
               Michael Gambon by winter.  Move along!

INT.  SUBURBAN HOUSE OF BULLYING AND ABUSE, ALSO IT’S TOTALLY LAAAAAME

DANIEL RADCLIFFE spends ten years trying to not to get punched in the
head or locked in a cupboard to starve, both of which he fails at
INSTANTLY.

                            AUNT FIONA SHAW
               DANIEL GET’CHYER ELBOWS IN THE FRYING
               PAN ‘FORE I SHOVE HOT GREASE ALL OVER
               YOU

                             UNCLE RICHARD
                               GRIFFITHS
               WE DON’T LOVE YOU DANIEL, FRANKLY WE
               CAN’T STAND LOOKING AT YOUR STUPID DAMN
               GLASSES, GET BACK T'YER PRAYER CLOSET SO
               WE CAN LOVE OUR PORTLY SON MORE

                             HARRY MELLING
               muhbuhbwahbuhbwabuh

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               I’m so dreadfully sorry, Aunt Fiona. 
               Here’s your obviously raw bacon for the
               Pigboy.  Remember kids, even when bullies
               pick on you for being a nerd and reading
               Harry Potter, there are always fat kids to
               pick on.

Suddenly SATAN’S EVIL OWLS attack the FOSTER PARENTS and PIGBOY until
they beg for mercy.