The Electrifying Conclusion

Black Women Making News Alongside the Satanists

2014-01-07T06:01:00.000-08:00

Melissa Harris-Perry, a black woman who apparently is some kinda liberal news host, tearfully apologized to Mitt Romney (yes, Mitt fucking Romney) because she said some (basically true) ish about him.

Electrifying Conclusion: Seriously though, when you read the article you're gonna be like, "Huh? She's apologizing for THAT?" For saying that Republicans have a knack for showing off their token black connection (and making a lame joke about Kimye's child)? All of a sudden she's the black Justine Sacco? GTFOH. Shame on...her. She should've NEVER apologized. I blame her mixedness. Her black side should've been unapologetic. Personally, I don't think any black person anywhere should suffer any consequences because of racist comments. Mixed blacks get to enjoy this privilege as well. It's one of our only privileges recognized by this racist-ass society. She's effing the game up for all of us by acting like we care what non-blacks think about what we say regarding race. And her white side should've kept it real "Duck Dynasty" and been like "These are my beliefs, this is how I was raised. Bald eagles and hunting rifles. God bless America." But she let the tragic mulatto part of her take over, and fell on her sword. I got a sword for her half-a-Thandie-Newton-looking-ass to fall on. And I'd hip her to game while she was falling, over and over again. Kidding, I'm married. But I do have some advice for Ms. Harris-Perry, should she choose to heed: No one has to EVER apologize to Mitt Romney for ANYTHING. Ever. For anything.
Ever.

The U.S. is going through a crazy cold spell, and guys are keeping it real "Heat Before Hoes" in these streets, I tell ya. Travelling to see chicks, unless it's real crucial, is being kept to an extreme minimum from what Instagram is talking. I aint saying that if you find yourself alone and not with the guy you think you're dating, then you're the ill side chick, but...if you find yourself alone trying out new soup recipes, watching every episode of "Revenge," and not with the guy you think you're dating, then you're the ill side chick. Nothing wrong with a bit of clarity.

A New York City-based religious group called the Satanic Temple (clever of them not to choose a name that too-obviously reflects their religious beliefs) wants to erect a badass Baphomet statue by the Oklahoma Statehouse. Oklahoma Statehouse doesn't seem to be too into it.

"The group offered to donate a monument last month, after State Rep. Mike Ritze (R-Broken Arrow) and conservative Christians were allowed to erect a Ten Commandments monument on the statehouse grounds.

Lawmakers in Oklahoma, however, have insisted that the Satanists should not be given the same treatment as Christians."

Electrifying Conclusion: I'm no devil worshipper (and Baphomet doesn't even necessarily have Satanic origins), but tell me that statue ain't badass. And no way their spokesman's name is actually Lucien Greaves. God, er, gosh, that's boss. I had to stop reading the article after a few paragraphs, because if I discovered one more ill fact about these guys, I would've requested a brochure, but I did notice that PETA also petitioned to erect a monument. So it's not like the Satanists were just being annoying-ass devil worshippers trying to build some evil shit in the heartland, they were making a statement about constitutionality that other reputable groups such as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (yes, it's a real church) were also trying to make. I say, what the hell, monuments for everybody! You get a monument, he gets a monument, she gets a monument, everybody gets a monument!

As a birthday gift, President Obama is letting First Lady Michelle Obama stay in Hawaii and hit up the clubs with her friends, while he takes his leggy daughters back to the Capitol. It's a 50th birthday present. Why do I see some sort of black Christian Grey (Christian Black?) figuring somewhere into this?

I know it was creepy and honest of me to call his daughters leggy. Click the link and tell me I'm lyin' though.

Sasheer Zamata is "Saturday Night Live's" newest cast member. This is a big deal because she's the first black female cast member since...Ellen Cleghorne.
Electrifying Conclusion: I aint counting Maya Rudolph, SORRY. She looks white. The kind that makes you think "she does have a little tint to her" once you realize who her parents are. But nah, she looks white, I don't care how well she threw on the black accent. But she does get the privilege of saying anything she wants about race and not suffering any consequences. *shrug*
By the way, I don't find shit like what went down when Kerry Washington (ugh) hosted "SNL" funny:

"The producers at 'Saturday Night Live' would like to apologize to Kerry Washington for the number of black women she will be asked to play tonight. We made these requests both because Ms. Washington is an actress of considerable range and talent, but also because 'SNL' doesn’t currently have a black woman in the cast. As for the latter, we realize this is not an ideal situation and look forward to rectifying it in the near future ... unless, of course, we fall in love with another white guy first."

I aint even gonna go into my thoughts about white people being real comfortable with making jokes of their racism nowadays, jokes you're called uptight and non-progressive for not laughing along with. Well, I guess I just did go into it. Now allow me to get out of it...From what I read, they just hired this chick so Keenan from "Keenan and Kel" wouldn't have to keep dressing in drag. I don't even watch "SNL," but that sounds like a great reason to hire a black chick to me. I don't enjoy watching Keenan OUT of drag (no offense dude; I've never been a fan of big-boned black comedy).

The Last (821) Word(s) On The Miley Cyrus Situation

2013-08-30T00:43:00.000-07:00

This has very little to do with this post. I just thought it was funny as hell.

Now we have the people who are STARK, RAVING MAD at, or trying really really hard to say something cleverly condescending to, anyone who decided to join in the pop culture discussion of the moment - Miley Cyrus. And in doing so, they just end up...joining the pop culture discussion of the moment - Miley Cyrus. If you hate that people are giving her, and not more "important" (what a subjective term) issues attention, why waste characters and energy that could be going to the "important" issue on the topic you claim to hate? The web hits will translate to popularity which translate to further fame and riches for Miley, and in the end there will be no distinction made for you because your tweet, status, comment or blog tried to go against what you felt like the masses shouldn't have been feeling. In the end, you're message still looks/sounds like "Something something something MILEY CYRUS something something something else."

But I don't fault you because I realize what you may not - that people just want/need to express strong feelings. And yes, sometimes it is a silly musical performance or a reality show or a weird trend that invokes this feeling. Let's not act like people don't react to "important" issues the same way; Trayvon Martin and equal marriage rights for gays hasn't exactly been ignored on Facebook and twitter and in the blogosphere. If you want people to pay more attention to Syria or midterm elections or The Illuminati, telling them "You're stupid for commenting on Miley Cyrus like I'm commenting on Miley Cyrus right now by telling you how stupid you are for commenting on Miley Cyrus, when The Illuminati is about to engage in another illegal war" is not going to endear your intended listener to your message. And you have to know this. Which sort of makes me think that you're trolling for "likes" and retweets by the choir you're preaching to. I'm an educator by profession and you know what kind of teacher is least effective? The kind who is always telling the kids "You need to stop playing those video games and iPads and study your math more, and pay more attention to your social studies." The best teachers are the ones who make the students want to be concerned with their studies by showing the teacher's own passion for math/social studies and putting all focus on it. Or even utilizing the video games to get the students focused on their studies. Now, I'm not saying that it wouldn't then be annoying to see a PSP in math class, just like it would be appalling for someone to be tweeting about the VMAs during a city council meeting, but all of it coexists. I'm not saying you should try to raise awareness for the prison industrial complex by creating a twerk video either. But if you're really trying to get people focused on more serious issues, maybe you can take a page or a just a sentence out of how the pop culture folks are doing it. Teachers learn to adapt the iPads and the video games to the classroom. Maybe you feel like you're doing that through social media, but you're not using social media effectively for your cause by ranting about how stupid other people are for what/who they give attention to.

Miley Cyrus annoyed the living crap out of me, but obviously, because I previously blogged about her (I actually did 2 years ago also, briefly, about pretty much the same current topic), her performance was able to arouse some strong feelings in me (to be honest though, I'm just as annoyed by Robin Thicke's overrated rape-y song that can do no wrong that everyone gives a pass to just because it has a nice groove it hijacked from Marvin Gaye and everyone seems to love a soulful white guy, BUT I don't go tapping out word upon word telling you why you shouldn't listen to him and that he's nothing but a more annoying Jon B., do I?*). But I also blogged about Syria and have been posting statuses about the situation for a while. You can be intrigued by both subjects (and trust me, because of my location, I have A LOT of reasons to be intrigued by the latter). Yes, we all know that millions upon millions are brainwashed by the media to pay more attention to pop culture than they are to politics, and that's not a good thing. It's a bad thing. (Although, last time I checked, politics was just as outrageous of a circus as anything that went on at any MTV awards show.) But is an angry, condescending Facebook status, tweet or blog post your best strategy for bringing about a change in where people are focusing their energy? Maybe you should look at changing where you're focusing yours?

*see what I did there?

Ben Affleck, Miley and Syria

2013-08-27T05:58:00.001-07:00

Ben Affleck has been cast as Batman in the next Superman flick. The Internet is not happy.

There have been a host of petitions started by folks demanding that Ben Affleck not assume this role. One even wants there to be a law making it ILLEGAL for this to happen.

Electrifying conclusion: This will be the longest conclusion you’ve ever seen on this blog because I’ve had a while to sit with this one and I really gotta be thorough with it, so you truly understand how you should feel about it. The Internet is unhappy again. It tends to get that way over really important things like this. And if I knew where The Internet lived I might pay The Internet a visit, or even write The Internet a letter reminding The Internet how pissy it got over the announcement that Heath Ledger would be thenext Joker.

I’d also make The Internet aware of the fact that Christian Bale wasn’t even that good of a Batman (shoot, in two of the three films he was outshined by the antagonist), he just made sure not to screw up a really good franchise while playing a very important role. You know what the sports equivalent of Bale is? The point guard/quarterback on a really good team who isn’t a great talent, but plays smart, mistake-free ball and isn’t a liability to his team (Joe Flacco, Alex Smith, Derek Fisher). Just like those are guys who may not have the kind of package the superstars have at their positions, but do a few things well that help the team win (accuracy, clutch performance, game management, locker room presence), Bale had enough things going for him (a good look, some acting chops, didn’t overplay the role {see: The Great Adam West} or treat it with condescension {see: George Clooney}) that enabled him to be neither a bad Batman, nor someone who made it impossible for anyone else to seem like they could succeed in the role after him (sort of like how The Internet felt about Jack Nicholson’s Joker before it felt like that about Heath Ledger’s Joker).

Now, I’m not downplaying what Bale did, he’s a superstar, a good actor who’s starred in multiple roles I’ve enjoyed. And it’s hard to assume an iconic comic book character role and play it well enough over the course of three movies to not get derided at some point (although I think his flaws or maybe a general disposition of boredom sort of showed throughout “DKR,” my favorite of the trilogy), even when you have talents to lean on such as Chris Nolan, Tom Hardy, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal, the aforementioned Ledger and Tiny “Zeus” Lester.

"You thought I was really gonna do it, didn't ya? Racist."

I’m just saying that The Internet shouldn’t act like Ben taking over for Bale is like trying to succeed Tom Brady as New England Patriots quarterback.

Now back to Ben Affleck.

Do we really still hate Ben Affleck?

I mean, c’mon, do we really still find him as impossibly annoying as we did, say, a decade ago? Really? I mean, why? I can barely remember why we hated him so much in the first place, but I remember hating him just as zealously as the The Internet does – in 2002. I remember him being the man when he came out as part of the dynamic Boston duo. Then he kind of just started to seem annoying to me in his subsequent film roles. At some point there was something about a horrible movie called “Gigli” I never pronounced right, him kissing J-Lo’s asscheek in an equally horrible music video (a lot that wasn’t hate, that was hatin’), and him taking too much of the blame for the abomination that was “Daredevil” (like I said, it’s hard trying to take on an iconic comic book character; I think Colin Farrell would’ve made a dooope Daredevil though). But, are those the reasons we still hate Ben Affleck? Aston Kutcher’s career has been much cornier, in my opinion, and yet he isn’t hated with the same fervor as Ben. If I may cross platforms for a second, Jon Mayer is infinitely grosser than Ben and he’s always one derivative hit away from being treated somewhat respectably as he bones the next starlet in need of a good rebound in her pants.

You know what I think Ben’s worst offense is? He’s not Matt Damon. They debuted together (notice how I treat actors breaking onto the scene as if they were hit records making a splash at radio and the billboard charts - “yo, Mena Suvari went platinum when she came out in ‘American Beauty’ but she aint have a hot joint since”), but critically, the years have been much kinder to Matt. I feel like Ben was the bigger star at the outset, but soon after, Matt became the one with more acclaimed films and roles, and his reputation outside of work is sterling. Everyone loves Matt Damon to the point where it’s pretty much a joke. Don’t believe me? Check out his guest appearance on “House Of Lies,” where he plays a caricature of himself, and spends the entire episode acting like the worst human being ever, doing drugs and whores, manipulating people, and getting away with all of it, because people think Matt Damon is a saint - no - a god.

"Bow at the altar of St. Damon!"

And hey, Matt Damon is pretty damn awesome – this clip made me a fan for life. But Ben Affleck suffers because of the connection. Even me, a guy who typed out a few hundred words defending him, I rank him behind at least 4 or 5 other guys on my “Boston Guy” list that begins with - you got it - Matt Damon, then goes to Mark Wahlberg John Cena, lemme see, um, CT from “The Real World,” Ray Benzino, and then there’s Maude, er, Ben Affleck. But I don’t hate the guy; The Internet and everyone else hates him. And I truly feel like, after all this time has passed, after he’s done all this charity work and garnered major props for “Argo,” he should be forgiven and looked at as a decent actor with something to offer, but he’s basically hated because he isn’t Matt Damon. Because he had the misfortune to not enter the world through Matt Damon’s mother’s birth canal, a product of Matt Damon’s father’s sperm. Harsh life.

Anyway, Internet, lay off Ben Affleck. He might not be Matt Damon, but then again, who the hell is besides, well, Matt Damon? I hear that Batman isn’t even all that major in the new Superman flick, they don’t delve all into his character and feature his story like that. They just wanted a different, older, made kind of Batman to school Superman on superhero stuff (“Ayo Clark, peep game tho’; haters gon’ hate, my man. You gotta brush ‘em off ya shoulders like Jay-Z said. I mean, I don’t even got superpowers and I got beef with 5-0, clowns, regular people, scarecrows and terrorists. But you?! Shiiiit, you can fly, my dude! And you shoot lasers from ya eyes! That’s that new heat right there! Cats gon’ be hatin’ on you all day. Lex Luthor, Doomsday, all them lames are haters. But you just do you, perch on top of skyscrapers and stuff when you need a moment to think, keep ya suit pressed and ya identity on the low, and remember why you even got in this game – for the money, fame and hoes, haha! Nah, for saving the world and all that. But on the low though, they got some hoes out there that will give it up just to for a flight across Metropolis. I aint sayin’ you should take advantage of such things, but I’m also not sayin’ that the gig doesn’t have it’s perks, you feel me? You feel me.”) So let Ben slide into the role, and if he screws it up, then we’ll ridicule him all the way back to his multi-million dollar mansion, beautiful actress spouse and movie star life.

I don't know y’all, it’s not that I don’t get why y’all show him love, Justin Timberlake, he’s good, but I think Adam Levine is cooler than JT can dream of being. Shrugs.com

Saw somewhere someone said imagine if the Yankees pull out the wildcard, A-Rod has a mammoth postseason and the commissioner has to present him with the

trophy! I’d spontaneously combust from the joyful ridiculousness of it all.

Miley Cyus went all early 2000s Britney at the MTV Video Music Awards 2013. The Internet felt angry, violated, outraged and everything else except turned on.

Electrifying conclusion: “Somewhere in America…Miley Cyrus is twerkin’.” Yes, I know that bar rang loud throughout the heads of everyone who illegally obtained “Magna Carta” as they watched Miley with the look of at least one of the Smith family on their faces. Jay-Z delivered that line almost with the undertone of “Y’all think this chick is annoying now? Haha, she’s just gettin’ started!” She can’t think she’s being original, in the midst of the same sweetheart-to-slut transition that we’ve seen countless times before and saw coming from her many moons ago. (Anyone else notice how badly she wants to be Rihanna? Her new song sounds exactly like a Rihanna song and she seems to take all her style and skank cues from the Bajan pop star.) All this stuff you’re aware of, however. The thing that struck me though, was The Internet’s reaction. I kn
ow that I gave The Internet a lot of flack regarding Ben Affleck, but I have to say, it won me over just as quickly with it’s decisive and unified skewering of Miley Cyrus.

Now I know that a man my age should have no business caring about what the hell a 20 year old songstress is doing to get herself vilified. But a man my age also has no business eating Nutella and digestive biscuits in nothing but boxers and a championship belt in front of the television while watching WWE’s “Monday Night Raw” every Tuesday evening (that’s when we get it over here). We all do things we probably shouldn’t. Moving on. The real story here is, again, The Internet. It’s been a feisty coupla weeks for The Internet, hasn’t it? This event was one of the rare times when I saw the Internet respond EXACTLY how I felt it should, with no exceptions or disclaimers. Yes, I saw a couple of instances that bordered on defense of Miley’s act in the name of being anti-slut-shaming (personally, I don’t shame actual sluts, just pseudo-sluts like her) and the occasional tweet about The Internet’s lack of reaction to the inherent racism in everything Miley does (racism is tiring, a pass is granted every now and again just out of the sheer exhaustion it takes to remain vigilant about it; it’s like when I was a teacher and there were certain kids I NEVER let go to bathroom, but they were so unrelenting in their willingness to continue asking period after period, day after day, that I’d just say “Come right back and don’t do anything to get into trouble,” knowing that the former wouldn’t happen and the latter would), but for the most part, the Internet restored the faith in it I was pretending to lose by showing me that it can still draw the correct conclusions about the really important things in life.

Wow, I definitely came back to “T.E.C.” a li’l bit wordy, haven’t I?

Pardon me and my “never been nowhere or had nothin’ nice” ass, but I did not know there were towels with hooks built in. Monumental.

In response to the Syrian government apparently using chemical weapons on it’s citizens, The

Unites States of America is gearing up to lead an attack on Syria…

Electrifying conclusion: …that will result in the deaths of even more Syrians. I’m not anti-military or anything, but let’s be honest. If an alien came to our planet and saw all of the atrocities going on all across the globe, like the regimes in power in Africa, and Southeast Asia who have raped, starved and killed hundreds of thousands, and then tried to deduce why the U.S. is so gung-ho about going into particular countries with the lives of thousands of young men and women on the line, do you think that alien would be swayed by the argument that the reason is “human rights?” No, the alien would go back to his planet, show them a video of Miley Cyrus and say “This is what they call ‘twerking,’ a form of celebration invented by this human,” and then say “The country over on what they, for some reason, call the ‘eastern hemisphere,’ the big one with all the money, the weapons and the people in cages, they go to great lengths to convince their people that everything they do isn’t about staying on top through control of resources and friendly governments. And there are even people in their country who they don’t have to convince.” This article states, among many other things, how the country I currently reside in would benefit economically from a change in regime in Syria as well.

Syria, like many countries during Arab spring, changed very drastically, very quickly. Some of my colleagues worked there and absolutely loved it, and also had to leave everything behind as they high-tailed it out of there just a couple of years ago. With Iran and Russia talking tough right back to the United States, believe me, I’m over here living snugly in between Iran and Saudi Arabia, monitoring this situation like I monitor the guys who come into the house party who no one seems to know. I’m going to be the first one to say “These guys are about to do something crazy, and not in a good way. If there are any phone numbers you didn’t get that you really can’t live without, you got two minutes before it’s time to skate.”

Y’all come on back on, ya hear? And make sure to tell a friend about “The Electrifying Conclusion” and my blog about my life trying not raise hell as a black dude where there ain’t any, “Broha.”

Inmate Floyd, Everybody Hates Kris, Mel Divorces Life

2011-12-24T05:12:00.000-08:00

Floyd got himself 87 days in jail. Pretty much because he's a douche who likes to beat up on women (do a bit of google-search if you disagree and feel so inclined), has gotten away with it for a good while, and he went up against a woman judge who felt like he should practice "protecting himself at all times" from inmates.
http://www.usatoday.com/sports/boxing/story/2011-12-21/floyd-mayweather-jail-time/52144742/1

Electrifying conclusion: Love to see Floyd fight. One of the best, one of my faves. Not a fan of his person though. I don't exalt someone because of talent. You wouldn't like him AT ALL if he was a guy you kinda knew and behaved how he does. This ain't about race and sports and society too much with him. He's a douche, a jerk. And you'd be concerned on many levels if you were around someone like that for a significant amount of time. I've been around such dudes. They don't care about anyone's physical well-being, they are petty and prone to humiliating others, they are a threat to females in a number of ways, and they have no remorse about any of it. Their douchery is self-recharging, each act enabling the next to be done with greater gusto. Don't look for reasons to idolize such characters due to them being uniquely skilled.

New Jersey Net Kris Humphries, who is somewhere in this pic stuffed in between Kim Kardashian's asscheeks, was booed mercilessly at a preseason game vs. the Knicks at MSG. He was also voted the Most Disliked Player in the NBA, surpassing Lebron James. http://espn.go.com/los-angeles/nba/story/_/id/7379217/kris-humphries-most-disliked-nba-player-according-survey

Electrifying conclusion: First off, people booed LJ because he's attention-seeking, immature, soft and they'd rather he have a li'l more AI in him (although he's infinitely less bitch-made than Kobe in my opinion). They didn't boo KH for similar reasons, but then again that doesn't matter at all. Well, no, it kinda does. Although foul, the reasons I listed for booing LJ are generally accepted within the manly culture of sports. But as far as KH, it seems like he's being booed for reasons that would mark the booers guilty of bitchassness to a much greater degree than anything they are charging KH with. Because none of the reasons for booing him are acceptable coming from any self-professed sporting sort. I mean, was he booed as the villain in the marriage sham? Was he unlikable on the show? (Like anyone should give a DAMN about THAT.) Do the boos mean the fans side with Kim? I still don't get it. Because if the boos were that loud, they must have come from both genders. But let's say they didn't. If they came from women mostly, I have to say that those are some confused bitches because personally, I've NEVER met a chick who likes Kim K or cares about any bad luck that befalls her. (Then again, maybe the mob mentality revealed their true colors and showed how much support bitches really do have for her because she HAS made ten figures off of her ability to garner attention and NOTHING else.) But more than likely, the boos came from men as well, and well, that's not so acceptable, is it? I mean, you go to MSG to see STARLEMANDER (jump on that nickname for our new big three, it'll get going eventually) hold (front)court after a lockout, and you choose to expend energy jeering the doofy reality show refugee (instead of Jared Jeffries)? *shrugs* I guess if you pay for a seat, you can pass game time heckling the beer vendor if you want to. You'd just be a bigger loser than last (and this) year's Netropolitans for doing so. This is where I stand: Personally, I have no qualms with the way it all (the marriage, I mean) went down on his end. At first I thought he was a "suflan" (sucker for love ass nigga), but really, he's like 26, he was smashin' a chick many people wanna smash, probably raw doggy, and DIDN'T get her preggers. He got more face time than his double-double stats would ever get him, and he got to run around actin' up on tv. I don't have a problem with any of that. I just think his lack of experience got him caught up and in a li'l too deep, and once he realized what he committed to, who he committed to, and the level of commitment he agreed to, he skizzated. Since I doubt KK was in it for the love, I don't think anyone should begrudge him a thing. Moving on...

The divorce settlement is in, and Mel (Give the Jews Hell) Gibson is splitting half of close to a billion with his ex-wife Robyn. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45780078/ns/today-entertainment/#.TvXfNPKwXa8

Electrifying conclusion: I bet she's a lynx in bed dude. Chicks who spell Robyn with a y give me that impression. Anyway, I mean, like, whatever dude, part of me is like, "He keeps half a billy and severs ties. Whatever. If she was with him for 3 decades, I'm SURE she's put up w/a half-a-billion worth of shit from him since he was a "once-oh-so-desirable-action-star-turned all the way up through him being a

creepy-anti-semite-recluse-who-makes-long-films-in-long-dead-languages. I say fair deal." But then, part of me remembers his recent relationship issues and almost (aaaaalmooooost) feels sorry for him on some "Damn! He paid 400,000,000+ to go seed up the next fugly foreign chick and then get caught telling her that he hopes she gets raped by a pack of wild niggers?! (That was Mel, right, and not Dog the Bounty Hunter?) Shiiiit. Mel ain't having a good go at it in his later years." And then yet ANOTHER part of me is like, "Aston Kutcher is such a horrible actor; who did he buttfuck to stay A-list?...I think I'll make a grilled cheese sandwich at some point today."

By the way, after saying Jews are responsible for all the world's wars, he said "I am reaching out to the Jewish community. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed." What the H dude? Where's the "I am reaching out to the nigga (and female) community. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed?" Dude told Oksana, "You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f--king pig in heat and if you get raped by a pack of n---ers it will be your fault. I am going to come and burn the f--king house down...but you will blow me first." Niggas and women told me they want an apology too. And that if they make another "Lethal Weapon" Danny Glover gotta be the one doing all the fresh shit. Those are our demands.

Move Over Hannah - There's A New Montana In Smutville! (Ooh, That Was Harsh)

2010-07-31T11:17:00.001-07:00

Laurence Fishburne's daughter is hoping to fast-track herself to porn stardom. "Rather than submit an acting reel or attend auditions, young Montana Fishburne plans to use a sex tape to increase her profile and give her a foothold in the film industry.

According to a press release, Vivid Entertainment, which also distributed Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian's sex tape, will handle the release of Montana Fishburne's self-titled video, which is due out August 18th.

She said she was inspired by Kim Kardashian, who shot to instant fame after her own sex tape was made public several years ago.

"I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid," Fishburne said in the press release." I'm hoping the same magic will work for me. I'm impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it."

Electrifying conclusion: Her pops is pulling in "CSI" paper, and they are NOT estranged. So yeah, we've moved to a new level of instant gratification and nonsense logic. She's patterning her career path after Kim Kardashian, because well, who wouldn't? Meaning she's hoping that some current high school McDonald's All-American will be slutting her out around, oh, let's say 2015. She doesn't want to do ANYTHING that will take ANY real effort, and is willing to accept a sliver of infamy (she's after the fame, not success, if you ask me, which you didn't but you should have) and try to dress it up as achievement of some sort. I really don't feel like she's doing it for the bread, and if it was about some sort of success, is school or some sort of work not an option? I guess gettin' her face moisturized by Brian Pumper takes work, but whatever...yo, lemme tell you about an incident we had with this dude a few years back. Pumper, a Lloyd Banks look-alike by the way, was at a club my crew was at with our ladies one night, walking around with a mini-dvd player showing off his work. Once my dude Staff Ace realized what was going on, and that his girl was one of the chicks he was showing his film to (I don't know why; constructive criticism maybe?) , Ace assumed some sort of solicitation was going on and screamed on his chick, pulled her away and then prepared to give Pumper the type of pounding he wouldn't enjoy. Mr. Porn Star must've been alone because he wanted no parts of Ace and copped all sorts of pleas, which ended in him telling Ace that he could also make a lucrative living filming himself trying not to get STD's and showing it to other niggas' girls in clubs. I played my usual voice of reason role and simmered things down. Good times...but back to the chick who already has a porn name - Montana Fishburne (where the hell did she get "Chippy D" from?) - yeah she's a slattern. Not for wanting to fuck on tape, but for selling her soul through her pussy, unnecessarily, at 19.
R.I.P. to Jack Tatum. He's the former Oakland Raiders great who paralyzed another player, Daryl Stingley, for life with a hit during a game. Many believe that a lack of remorse on his part has kept him out of the Football Hall of Fame. From what I've gathered Jack just felt like he was doing nothing but playing a violent game the way it should be played. No judgment here. Tragedy no matter how you look at it.

There are rumors of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler being the next "American Idol" judges after Kara Dioguardi was fired after just two seasons and Ellen DeGeneres quit after one (yeah right, she knew she was gonna get fired and tried to take a li'l control over the situation - I aint mad though, that's good bidness!).

Electrifying conclusion: I don't watch "Idol" much, but the revolving judge situation is mildly amusing. Simon Cowell is VERY amusing and without him, you don't get the casual fan, obviously. J.Lo and Steven might though, if I might personalize things a bit. I haven't found J.Lo compelling in anything she's done after South Central, but I anticipate her mannequinization of one of their judge slots being an entertaining 7th viewing option on a slow t.v. night when my wife has a "headache." And Steven Tyler might actually have some really good insight for the young hopefuls. Even still, ratings probably won't ever return to the Simon-Randy-Paula days unless they start letting rappers try out. In front of the same judges. THAT'LL be worth my brain rotting for an hour or so.

As much as I'm not a fan of the person, the actor Angelina Jolie was as bad a bitch in "Salt" as she was in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith," "Wanted," and probably a few other flicks I never watched because she was involved. Saw it last night, and was magnetized every second.

Yo, Chippy looks like a whore-rified Amerie, doesn't she? She looks good to go, bro. I might support.

Remember the DC Sniper Lee Boyd Malvo? Well, he confessed to William Shatner (yeah, mad random, right?) about other murders he committed, I guess in addition to the killings he's serving time for, the joints that shut down VA and Maryland a while back. He and his mentor apparently tried to recruit a whole gang of shooters to do more damage nationwide. Wild.

Electrifying conclusion: So the alleged motive for the mass murders was a desire to help homeless black kids. Remember that Malvo was acting under the direction of John Muhammed, who told him that "the $10 million ransom sought from the US government to stop the sniper killings would be used to establish a Utopian society for 140 black homeless children on a Canadian compound." But check this shit out - The Real Plan: Part of his testimony concerned Muhammad's complete, multiphase plan. His plan consisted of three phases in the Washington, D.C. and Baltimore metro areas. Phase One consisted of meticulously planning, mapping, and practicing their locations around the DC area. This way after each shooting they would be able to quickly leave the area on a predetermined path, and move on to the next location. Muhammad's goal in Phase One was to kill six white people a day for 30 days. Malvo went on to describe how Phase One did not go as planned due to heavy traffic and the lack of a clear shot and/or getaway at different locations.

Phase Two was meant to be moved up to Baltimore. Malvo described how this phase was close to being implemented, but never was carried out. Phase Two was intended to begin by killing a pregnant woman by shooting her in the stomach. The next step would have been to shoot and kill a Baltimore police officer. At the officer's funeral, there were to be created several improvised explosive devices. These explosives were intended to kill a large number of police, since many police would attend another officer's funeral.

The last phase was to take place very shortly after, if not during, Phase Two. The third phase was to extort several million dollars from the U.S. government. This money would be used to finance a larger plan: to travel north into Canada and recruit other effectively orphaned boys to use weapons and stealth, and send them out to commit shootings across the country."
Ambitious. I once spit a rhyme that stated, "I lay it down like mouse pads/ and got the same kinda father figures Lee Malvo had." I thought that was hard, but it was really just dumb. But it was kinda hard though. Just call me M.C. UndaInvestigation.

I'm StarPower and I approve this message.

"Greatest Trickery" & The Lauryn Hill Myth

2010-07-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

Lauryn Hill has been fooling the world for the past 15 years.

She helps sustain the "greatest trick-ery," as first described by Verbal Kint in "Usual Suspects," but jargonized by StarPower & Mercury during numerous rant sessions. Referring to the ghastly gangster Keyser Soze, Kint states, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist." So the template goes, "The greatest trick ('A'- conniving trickster) ever pulled was convincing ('B' - unknowing victim{s}) believe ('A' did something 'A' really didn't, but is widely creditd with)." The greatest trick Lauryn Hill ever pulled was making music fans believe she was great at anything besides creating enough mystique to get people to make her seem more talented than she actually is. Yes the album was dope. But it was just that - "the" album. One. Something has to be said for an artist actually, you know, creating art. It wasn't the greatest any kind of album of all time, she had EXTREMELY talented collaborators who bought into her b.s. (that mystique!), AND I believe the rumors that she takes credit for work she didn't do AT ALL b/c I know someone she tried to rip off, and because I want to.

Yet millions of Pan-African Pams & Rootsy Ricks will forever let her legend live off of that one trick and I guess "The Score," which was just as dope and guided by the talents of the man, her ex, who probably was the original dred who really sent her psyche into warp drive. How many dope collabs has she done in the past decade? C'mon man, an artist has to create. What has she done that has set any trends or broke any ground since? How often do you even hear her standing up about any issues? Mentoring anyone? Communicating with her "fan base?" Who is this lady?!

I swear, I credit her with "greatest trickery" only approached by maybe Eminem's media machine (who took some very funny shots at her early on) convincing the urban fan that he doesn't make the WHITEST music in the world. Dude; this guy dresses like Bono now, sings god-awful contrived triumph melodies all the time, makes mediocre stadium songs, and pulled off your standard white artist "I'm outta control, I'm not, I am, I'm getting arrested, I'm on drugs, music is my therapy, I wanted to kill myself, I'm back to being who I never was" charade that was even more predictable than his duet partner Rhianna's "homely hottie to I'm not a whore but I play one on tv" transformation. And you know what? I ain't mad. He hustled. some called it from day one, some didn't, but let's take a sec to acknowledge it. Plus, he's VERY talented AND...HE MAKES COCKSUCKING SONGS, for goodness sakes. Hill appears at "I'm Cool Because I Know About And Attend This" Music Festival, gets a mic and a guitar (which she needs to stop doing in honor of women who REALLY get it in on some singer-songwriter-instrumentalist shit like the infinitely more talented Teena Marie), says some sad shit and her bumfuckery is not only accepted, it's applauded!

Dude, unless she comes back with a much more humble aura and a GOOD SONG, I'll be as excited about her return as a teacher is about the return of the school year in September. Fuck Lauryn Hill, I got a whole generation of kids to Miseducate. I'd rather listen to a Sean Kingston song. Featuring Sanjaya. With Plies on the hook. Produced by David Guetta. Remixed by Dr. Luke. Restarted 7 times bc Flex keeps dropping bombs on it. Ok I've crossed the line from critical to insulting. My bad. I've jammed to more than a few Guetta tunes in the past year or so. Whatever, gonna go eat some breakfast and workout to some Bieb. You Lauryn Hill fans stay miseducated, will ya?! *simultaneously snapping my fingers, winking, and shooting my fingers at all of you*

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

I Got It! Hef Should Holla At 'The Situation' About Making A Song For Playboy, No? WWW.Can'tLose.Com

2010-07-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

Playboy Enterprises is going public. You KNOW that brand is struggling in this modern world of internet porn, where you can service ANY fetish in a FREE and plentiful manner with very little effort. What has Playboy done to adapt? Unless Hef can pioneer a breakthrough in virtual f-cking (pardon the graphic language, but f-ck that upscale sh-t; he's gonna have to provide the rawness - quite literally - if he wants to make his brand relevant again in this climate of desensitized instant gratification), AND damn-near monopolize it, I don't see that company meaning much from here on out.

Electrifying conclusion: If you ask me, it all went downhill once Scott Baio started f-cking all the playmates, leading to his eventual ban from the Playboy mansion. You can't let Charles be in charge of everything now, can you? Anyway, I know I just talked a lotta sh-t about the brand, but how much stock do you think I would have to buy to advertise my new record in it? Or to have a coupla Playmates on my album cover? I'm gonna look into that.

I really hope you clicked on that Scott Baio link. Dude was a monster, lol.

Yo, did you see the shots John Daly missed yesterday. Ugh! Heartbreaking. Eventually he's gonna falter at St. Andrews, but that record-breaking score he would've pulled out of his ass in the first round might've change the game. Plus it would've just been so kick-ass to see him shoot a f-cking 59 , at his age, after all he's done. And not done, lol. I'm a big fan man. Shoutout to fuck-ups who can still produce miracles every now and then.

Yes, I know I'm late. And that's because I've just decided to care. Urkel's wild! (And he's definitely lookin' like Stefan UrKEL in this pic). They arrested him on domestic violence charges that sound very real to me, even though the chick f-cked up her credibility by waiting so long to file. Whatever.

Electrifying conclusion: I used to LOVE how Stefan UrKEL dressed. Get one of those suits he used to rock and Johnny Gill's hairstylist, and nobody could tell you a thing in the early 90s, my dude. But yeah, he was wild for the night. You can't go punching b-tches in their titty implants, but as far as pushing her into the toilet, I've been there. Somewhat. It was a bathtub. And I guess I'm not proud of it. I would explain further, but what's the shelf-life on this type of thing? There's a good chance she'll read this (we're friends now), but is that "opening up old wounds"-status right there? I don't know.

Dear Eminem and Drake,

Stop singin' so many of your own hooks. And don't make another song together. The only thing worse than the hype involving anything you guys do, is the hype involving anything you guys do together and the anticlimactic nature of the collaboration. However, you BOTH make GREAT songs with Li'l Wayne. Wonder why.

Regards,
StarPo

Who do they keep changing the actors who play "The Incredible Hulk?" It's like what happened to the "Batman" films before Bale took hold of the role, except, no one ever really cared much about these "Hulk" films. They just don't resonate for some reason. Maybe a black "Hulk" would be fresh. Just throwin' that out there. On some Ving Rhames sh-t, nahmean?

I'm a fan of this "The Situation" dude. He's kinda awesome. I had know idea he was making records because I've never seen "Jersey Shore" but I do know that there's someone awesome enough to call himself "The Situation" and that a girl named "Snookie" got knocked out at a bar, and it was tragically funny.

Electrifying conclusion: He made a rap song, so you know that he actually has no talent because every semi-celebrity who can't do anything else tries rapping as a means of getting a little more shine, but it never works. And he's frontin' about how he was gonna be on the "Jersey Shore Soundtrack," but he was "off the grid." Pseudo-celebs like him are never off the grid intentionally. The song is fast, overproduced and features Fatman Scoop, all the better to hide his lack of talent behind a transparent wall of obnoxiousness. That being said, his overwhelming doucheness carries the song and I don't hate it.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

Fool Me Three Times and I Must Be Halle Berry or A Scott Hall Fan

2010-07-11T06:13:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Halle Berry is single. Again. And the world wants to know who she's going to end up disappointed by next. After an abusive baseball player (whose last name is Justice, haha!), a sex-addicted singer (nowadays, it really is acceptable to call wanting to smash, and then smashing, every hot chick who allows you to "sex-addiction;" GOTTA love our culture of little-to-no-accountability) , and a male model looking for a come up, Halle is back like Dip Set. And I'm expecting the results to be just as tragic.

Electrifying conclusion: She may be the most beautiful woman the world can ever remember seeing. But that doesn't make her smart, or even a good actress (her "Monster's Ball" performance was terrible and I can't remember ever being impacted by a performance of hers, although she plays an excellent "scared b-tch"). She's the ultimate tragic mulatto. C'mon, you dated a star athlete, an r&b crooner, and an underwear model. Talk about asking to be stepped on. Maybe try a black dude this time, Halle? Like, an actual black dude, not these halfricans you seem to enjoy. At least you have a reason not to be surprised when it goes sour - everyone expects a nigga to fuck up eventually! Or you can pull a LeBron and totally fuck the game up by...getting with another woman. Another beautiful famous woman who's been wronged time and time again, like Jennifer Aniston. I know she's straight but we can work out the details while we film the sex tape.

Yo, they found a unicorn deer. I would assume an animal that can grow a horn out of the middle of it's head is a fucking evil demon, not a a mythical creature, but that's just me I guess.

I hate those 30-second "Cover Girl" and "Geico" commercials I have to wait through while I try to get my nature video on.

In other "Light-Skinned Middle-Aged Black People Who Are Still Living Well Off Of Past Fame" news, Prince stupidly declares th e internet to be "over." He isn't releasing his latest mediocre album for digital download.

Electrifying conclusion: Let's love (that's my new shit, btw - "let's love") this article that kindly shits on him by giving us MAD examples of why the internet is mad NOT over. He's a jackass (say it like Obama dissing Kanye).

Non-wrestling fans probably didn't get the Scott Hall reference in the title. He's a wrestler who keeps getting comeback chances even though he always fucks them up because he's a horrible person when he gets drunk, which apparently happens a lot, but he also happens to be one of the most gifted (and well-connected) performers the industry has ever seen. I missed his heyday, so I take everyone's word for it.

This guy though, been a thorn in America's side since before the Kennedy Administration (!) and he still aint dead. Don't be surprised if he outlasts Obama. And don't be surprised by the fact that I don't know, or care to look up, who was president before Kennedy (Eisenhower?).

I was gonna write more in-depth about speed dating and analyze this "Cosmo"-esque article on the subject until I realized that speed dating is bullshit because it's missing the one element that would seal the deal much quicker and make for a much greater percentage of successful (and at the very least, short-term) relationships - sex. Let them talk for 3 1/2 minutes, fuck for 1, and debrief for 30 seconds. Only takes about 3 minutes to know if the person intrigues you, and if you can get the chick off (or something close to it) in a minute or less, you should be good to go. The last 30 seconds would feature the chick telling the dude "who her daddy is" if it was good or even watching the guy do the "beat it up right" dance; if it was bad, the chick can feel ashamed and the guy can nap for 30 seconds (you KNOW the guy is gonna make sure HE gets off within that minute). Win-win for all involved, no?

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

That Wasn't A Girl Katy, It Was Russell

2010-07-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

According to the AP, Mel Turpin, former NBA player and All-American Kentucky center, comm itted suicide Thursday, authorities said. He was 49.

Margaret Burrus, his sister, tearfully told reporters outside her home that her brother was diabetic and trying to keep it under control.

"I didn't know he was depressed or anything,'' she said. "I would have never said that he would have done this.''

R.I.P. Big Guy.

Electrifying conclusion: No, he did not commit suicide after LeBron announced his decision yesterday. He could have been depressed ever since 1990, the year he was bounced out of the league, and the Dream Team started being assembled. Dude was not only in the greatest draft in history (1984 - Jordan, Olajuwon, Barkley, Stockton, etc.) - he was the sixth pick. Ouch. Somebody give Lancaster Gordon a call.

Go ahead and make yourself believe Mel Gibson is the only Hollywood superstar that behaves like he does.

Serena won again. In case you didn't know. I mean Wimbledon, not this nonsense.

Dude, there was a "spy swap" between The U.S. and Russia?! "The U.S. and Russia orchestrated the largest spy swap since the Cold War, exchanging 10 spies arrested in the U.S. for four convicted in Russia in an elaborately choreographed diplomatic dance Friday at Vienna's airport." They also reported, "The handover allowed Vienna to add yet another distinctive event to its long history as a key site for diplomacy, the capital of neutral Austria being the preferred place to work on treaties and agreements to reduce U.S.-Soviet tensions during the Cold War."

Electrifying conclusion: Lemme tell you something, b. I like the term "elaborately choreographed diplomatic dance," although it sounds like what you do with a stuck up chick you've been putting in work with, who's not planning to give you any quim at the end of the night. Lemme tell you something else. The real spy aint none of these people. It's that bad-ass little adoptee that lady sent back to Russia a little while back. He knows all types of secrets. I bet there are a gang of Reagan-era good ol' boys quoting Jay-Z in "Blue Magic," - "Niggas wanna bring the 80s back/That's OK wit' me, that's where they made me at!"

Yo, I don't even know what LiLo is being locked up for. I guess for escaping time successfully thus far. The real crime though is how hot she isn't compared to how hot she used to be. Used to be one of the absolute baddest white bitches out. Curvy, killer red hair, nice smile, sexy voice. Damn, now it's bones and botox.

So, apparently when Katy Perry made her #1 smash "California Girls," she was paying homage to 2Pac as much as she was to the state. She claims 'Pac would've done a 360 in the grave had he heard "Empire State of Mind" being played at an L.A. Grammy party. Since there wasn't anyone else making music for gangbangers to gangbang to, and rappers to get killed over, she felt like she might be able to do something about that.

Electrifying conclusion: So much wrong here. And I don't hate the song. But so much wrong here. Just to be safe, Perry also recruited Snoop Dogg for a languid verse about bikinis and martinis. "An original west coast O.G.," she says. "The perfect cherry on top." Goodness. 'Pac would roll over in his grave by hearing Snoop described as the "cherry on top" for a (delightfully) trashy song by Russell "Does-Acting-Like-A-Comedian-But-Looking-Like-A-Rock-Star-Make-Me-A-'Cock'-Star?" Brand's fiance.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

Tiger $tyle & More

2009-12-02T15:58:00.000-08:00

Jared Fogle, the "Subway" dude who lost 245 lbs & gained a lucrative endorsement career, has been spotted looking like he gained a good amount of that weight back - subway-guy-falls-off-the-diet-wagon/

Electrifying conclusion: Makes perfect sense if you ask me, which you didn't, but should've. He dropped the weight so he could get laid (maybe for health reasons as well - maybe), but now that he's paid, he doesn't need to starve himself to get laid. He probably "eats fresh" quim at least once a week, because many chicks can't pass up the opportunity to bone a celebrity. I say, more power to the fat-faced f-ck. (Alliterative insults in the hooouuuuse, owww!)

Yo, the biggest audio recording debut in recent weeks wasn't 50 Cent or Rhianna, not even Susan Boyle's mega-selling album. It's the messages Tiger left in some 21 year-old tart's voicemail inbox.

Electrifying conclusion: "I'll wear you out," "When was the last time you got f-cked?" Wildin'. I know I'm probably not the first nigga to call him Niger Woods, but I feel like I am and the thought makes me proud. Yo, if he's worth a billy, and his wife gets 1/2 of a percent, that's still like $5 million! 0.5%! So if she gets 10% that means he was up in some $100 million p-ssy, no? I'm sayin', just trying to put it all in perspective.

How wack is the word "transgressions?" How much fun was taken outta the whole situation once Tiger fell on his sword?

"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me..."
I like that sh-t man. Don't tell nobody though. Or do, whatever.

Serena Williams was fined $82,500 for her profane tirade at the U.S. Open, a record fine by far.

Electrifying conclusion: Covered in beautiful melanin, blessed with a godess' body, a killer smile, & unique determination, Serena is beyond fine.

Beyonce just topped all artists with 10 Grammy nominations, it was announced yesterday. She is competing with Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga in the most coveted categories (Album, Song, & Record of the Year).

Electrifying Conclusion: She won't win half of them, but damn, just to get that many nominations (hubby got 5 of his own, btw), I mean, despite the mounds of hate, pretenders, and (in my opinion) tacky songs, she gets larger every year. More (Star)power to her, I say. You gotta admit - the bitch is BAD.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

That Wouldn't Have Happened If She Would've Went To See The OTHER "New Moon"

2009-11-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

This Canadian lady lost her health benefits after Facebook photos of her at a strip club and other fun places provided evidence of her not being depressed. http://news.aol.com/article/nathalie-blanchard-says-she-lost/778856

Electrifying conclusion: The poll at the end of the article read "Are you on Facebook? Yes/no?" I was like shiiiiiiit, I wouldn't wanna tell y'all muthaf-ckas after reading that! I guess when your country has universal healthcare, you give up certain liberties, like the right to try to find happiness somewhere, at some point, and let people know that you aren't on the verge of suicide. And really, who the fuck goes to Chippendales? I know I'm a straight guy and I may not have the greatest perspective on such things, but that place just seems creepy. Dudes in bowties and g-strings. I don't know of anyone who's been there that wasn't in character on an '80s sitcom at the time. You must be depressed to go there, that should have been enough proof to extend her sick leave.

"Twilight: New Moon" pulled in almost $73 million on FRIDAY. One day. Biggest Friday opening ever and it's $140 million weekend was the 3rd largest ever behind "The Dark Knight" and "Spider-Man 3."

Electrifying conclusion: I refuse to cheat on "True Blood," plus I have no desire to. I am intrigued by the prospect of getting my werewolf fix though. "True Blood" needs to step up their werewolf game. I guess I can catch up on these flicks before they get to part 19 like the "Harry Potters" and "Lord of the Rings" joints I ignored.

My sister said her lil 17 year old boyfriend would give me a good fight bc he's 6'1" and built and I'm...neither. But I got big brother power. She also said my arthritic shoulder could present difficulty. She should've never said that. Now when I see him, it's over for him. Me and Merc, maybe Just Holla too, gonna lump that nigga. That's what he gets for wanting to be tall and healthy and shit and dating my little sister. Now he gets to receive a visit from the Powers of Pain. That's right.

Nena just saw Foxy Brown in a Brooklyn restaurant and confirmed that she has enormous boob implants. Plus "fake eyelashes down to her lips," lol. Neither of which she needed. I know how many feel about her, but that was one beautiful black woman. Still is probably, underneath. But who am I to judge, from behind my electric mask?

I'm StarPower and I approve this message.

Make Like Sammy Sosa & Lighten Up!

2009-11-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

So, the "Mall Santas of America" say they should be given priority in receiving swine flu shots, not only bc they are around lots of kids, but bc overweight people have a greater risk of contracting h1n1. http://www.wptv.com/content/health/story/Swine-flu-fears-for-mall-santas/17J4rO4h-UuUUlbS2YtavA.cspx

Electrifying Conclusion: First of all, if bein around kids gives u priority, then line up moms, teachers, and pedos for the first batches of pig shots. Santas only have to tolerate the buggers for a hard 3 weeks or so. Second, they should be glad fatness is coming in handy for once. Message to the "MSOA" - how dare u demand accomodations for your fatness? Either shut up and let your girth be the reason you eat EVEN BETTER 'round holiday season, or lose some f-cking poundage and get a real job. Or, you guys can lose some weight and re-conceptualize Santa's image. Create a whole ad compaign for it; Santas in red skinny jeans, furry white scarves, and stylish Gaytch & M (no offense, I go hard at H & M - pause!) skullcaps.

Just wanna ask y'all to please tolerate the no-frills posts as I make an attempt to return to blogging consistently. My living situation only allows me to update from my iPhone most of the time, and as awesome as it is, I realize there still isn't a phone that supports blogging. Texting, social networking, organizing, yes. Blogging no. Mobile blogging (along with my mobile web skills) are a bit limited. But we're here for the words anyway, no?

Yeah I'm dissappointed with Sammy Sosa's open display of self hatred (he looks f-cking happy bro), but I'm more horrified than anything. Nigga look SCARY as a white Dominican. Whitening cream is already popular, after this, sales are gonna be astronomical. And it's a shame, not only for the obvious reasons, but because melanin is damn near MAGICAL. We still dont know of all it's properties, and I have reason to believe in it's inhuman, super-sapien capabilities. I also believe that, like energy, it cannot be destroyed, so maybe (sadly) Sam's change will just be a cosmetic one.

Syndicators are saying they will pay drastically less for "The Oprah Winfrey Show" when contract renewal talks come up soon. This is due to the recession and the fact that her show is showing signs of slipping. She's still queen of talk, but she's falling off a bit, ratings-wise.

Electrifying Conclusion: Hov said it best - "Even if I fell, I'd land on a buncha money." Besides the 2 billion reasons she has not to give a f-ck 'bout some syndicators, Oprah's about to start her own cable network. Guess what it's gonna be called - OWN. As in "Oprah Wins Niggas." or so I've been told by a voice in my head.

Vanessa Hudgens Want You To Possess Child Porn

2009-08-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

This is f-cking wild. First, I heard that Vanessa Hudgens had some new nudes online yesterday. And I was like, "Oh word, Vanessa Hudgens? You wanna be 20 years old, and supposedly-chaste due to it being a requirement of the company you work for (although Disney is actually a slut factory when you think about it - Brit, Xtina, Miley, Vanessa, etc.), and you wanna have nude pics online for the SECOND time, and you want those pics to show everything, even hairy bush, and you wanna have just the nipples you were imagined to have? Word, Vanessa Hudgens? You wanna act like they get leaked against your wishes, like you don't know that nude pics of you are gonna find their way out, especially a SECOND time? And you wanna risk mad dudes getting caught risking a quick NSFW click at the job, and mad niggas gettin' caught lookin' at young white b-tches on their wives' and girlfriends' laptops? Word, Vanessa Hudgens?"

Now, I...er, Merc goes to give them a quick look a few minutes ago, and I, er, I mean, Merc finds out that mad sites took the new jawns down because she might been 17, or something like that at the time the pics were taken. Meaning, if you have them, you are in possession of child porn.

Electrifying conclusion: Word, Vanessa Hudgens' lawyers? Y'all get to keep the masters in a safe, and those of us who didn't right click "save picture as" yesterday are s.o.l. now? That's dirty.

Would ya look at that - http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=4383960, Lebron is gonna "explore his options" in '10. Of course he is maaaan! Did you really think he was gonna stay in Cleveland? By '10, he would have given them 6 strong years. He paid his hometown debt. Now it's time for "Guitar Jimmy" Dolan (as Mike Lupica would put it) to do something good for Knicks fans for once. In one fell swoop he can make up for most of the tragedy he's brought to the Garden.

Apparently, Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice sleeps at Wal-Mart sometimes. This is how the AP tells it:

Justice Clarence Thomas' wife, Ginni, told 'The Takeaway,' a public radio show, she and her husband have stayed overnight in dozens of Wal-Mart lots while traveling around the country in their 40-foot bus. "It's one of our favorite things to do," she revealed in a phone interview this week while on the road in the Adirondacks. The Thomases like to keep a low profile when they travel and the parking lots provide a measure of anonymity. So many people recognized the justice at one campground, Mrs. Thomas recalled, they had to stop going there.

Electrifing conclusion: I don't care about none of that Americana-ass sh-t, I'm just wondering if he still harassin' b-tches? Didn't this nigga put a pubic hair or some wild sh-t in Anita Hill's cola or something like that. That's why that nigga's keepin' a low profile. Puttin' nut hairs on the rim of chicks' coke can. That's dirty. As dirty as your hidden folder with the Hudgens pics, the R. Kelly tape, and all that Judy Winslow porn.

Who's surprised to hear that Billy Mays was on coke?

Let me preface the following statement by saying that I'm happily married :) And with that being said, if someone were to ask me what my ideal threesome would be, I'd probably say me, my wife, and our love.

Second place (distant second, of course): me, Julianne Moore, Stacy-Ann Gooden (she's not happy doing weather at Bronx 12, I can tell).

Or maybe, me, Linda Carter-as-Wonder Woman, and Sookie Stackhouse.

Or me and the "Sister Sister" twins.

Or me, Anita Hill, and Vanessa Hudgens.

Watch this be the only time my wife actually reads this blog.

I Wanna Do Bad Thiiiings To You

2009-07-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

How f-cking good is "True Blood?" I mean, I thought it might provide some cheap thrills after reading David Bianculli's (Daily News) initial review (he was right about all of the gratuitous nudity) before it premiered, but I NEVER thought I'd be hooked like I am. I haven't been on a show like this since "The Wire" (though I doubt I'll ever be that captivated again), and before that, "Six Feet Under." HBO just has that formula (as they constantly remind you during those "99 Emmy Nomination" ads). My favorite characters are probably Bill and Eric. I'm waitin' for them niggas to clash over Sookie, who is starting to become annoying in her earnestness.

Electrifying conclusion: F-ck happened to "Tell Me You Love Me?" That show had MASSIVE amounts of graphic sex. And the characters were interesting. I'd trade "Entourage" for it; their cuttin' on Seth Rogen over there, and they got Turtle gettin' mile high handjobs from f-cking Meadow Soprano? C'mon!

I'm all for the reinstatement of Pete Rose! I don't at all agree with the betting, but he should be in the Hall for having 4,000 (!) hits and having played in more games than anyone. Plus, he got bodyslammed by WWE's Kane - twice. Give that man a plaque!

Is Morgan Freeman really gonna marry his 27 year old step granddaughter? Word?

Vernon Forrest, world class boxer, the first to beat Sugar Shane Mosley, was murdered. According to the AP, Forrest, 38, was shot several times in the back Saturday night.

Electrifying conclusion: If you don't know about Vernon, you better ask. About his Destiny's Child foundation. About his work with the disabled. By all accounts, this was a really good dude. These athlete murders are getting outta control. I remember when he beat Sugar Shane. Back when Sugar Shane was what Floyd Mayweather is now. He achieved great late career success (I'm a big fan of that), and actually would have been a world champion at the time of his murder, if not for injuries which caused him to be stripped of the title. R.I.P.

I agree with Johnny Drama - grown men shouldn't buy other grown men birthday gifts.

Nas is ordered to pay Kelis 44 large every month for child support. The dope part is that he got this news right after the birth of his newborn. He also has to pay $45,000 to cover attorney and "gotcha nigga" fees.

Electrifying conclusion: Like everyone else, all I could think was, "Damn, Nas got paper like that? Of course he doesn't! And if he does, they made sure he won't anymore!" Sh-t, I must be missing something. He got hit up for not supporting her through pregnancy? What the hell?! He's in the wrong, but isn't the money for "child" support? "Child support," not "fetus support." $45,00 a month - because her albums brick? Is that it? Yo, that nigga better start releasing albums like No Limit did in the '90s from now on. Sheesh. Talk about cheaper to keep her.

Could Katie Holmes be the most overrated beauty in Hollywood? Maybe.

But were her tits fabulous in "The Gift?" Yes.

Was Selma Blair's sex scene in "Storytelling" as ridiculously arousing as it was racist? Absolutely.

Did that have anything to do with Katie Holmes? Of course not.

Who Would Wanna Be King?

2009-06-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

The show is over, the lights are dim, but the crowd aint leave, they want to stay with him.
They want him to dance,
they want him to sing.

But the show is over, the mic is gone,
and the crowd is still here, to see him perform.
They want one more chance,
who would wanna be king?

Why Study When I Can Blog About Leon & Usher?

2009-06-14T17:47:00.000-07:00

CIA Director Leon Panetta is accusing former Vice President and First Dick, Richard Cheney, of "gallow politics," stating that he feels like Cheney almost wants the country to be attacked, so that he can prove that he's right about President Obama being a no-good nigger.

Oh, my bad, that's not what he said.

He said that he feels like Cheney almost wishes the country would be attacked so that he can be proven right about Obama's decisions on Gitmo and reversing Bush policies putting the America's national security in jeopardy. The AP quotes Panetta as saying, "It's almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it's almost as if he's wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point. I think that's dangerous politics."

Electrifying conclusion: I toooold niggas that names like Leon and Leroy and Rufus are white names originally. Niggas in Africa aint have names like that. Those aint black names. Those are white names! Old-ass white names man, look it up. Yeah, brothers done cornered the market on those names (we're working on Melvin and Jarvis now too), but like I said, that wasn't always us. Anyway, um, yeah, fuck Cheney. And let's be honest; it's not just that he wishes an attack on us. He's PLOTTING one. Again. Some people will do anything to be right.

Scientists brought back alive an organism that has been dead (they call it reawakening it from hibernation, but I aint for that description) for 120,00 years. AOL science news says, "A small purple microbe that spent more than 120,000 years in hibernation deep beneath a Greenland ice sheet is alive again. Scientists at Pennsylvania State University revived the bug in a lab by warming it in an incubator over the course of 11 months, Scientific American reported.
The bacterium, which was found under nearly two miles of ice, began producing fresh colonies when it was reawakened. Scientists say the discovery suggests that dormant life could be revived from ice particles taken from Mars sometime in the future."

Electrifying conclusion: They say that it's a harmless microbe. F-ck outta here. I watch movies and cartoons and sh-t, so I know 'bout stuff like this. No organism waits 120,000 years to come back to life and be harmless. Evil beings hellbent on world conquest are very patient. It's already reproducing, according to the article. Why is money spent on this? Why do these niggas want there to be life on Mars so bad? Life that they want to re-animate if it's dead, bring to Earth, and possibly take over our planet, kill us off, and try to bring us back to life a million years from now? Is having a black president sooo bad, that they're willing to risk bringing in killer space invaders to not have to follow him? I mean, I'm joking, but with Cheney saying that he'd rather Limbaugh be the face of the GOP than Colin Powel, it only makes sense that the ol' Skull & Bones set would just as soon put our country's (and world's) fate in the hands of Marvin the Martian before they'd give the reigns to a brother. Which always makes me question if he really even has the reigns. Because the people put him in that position, and from what I've seen in my time, the people don't really have any power in this land. So does the person the people put into power have any real power? Maybe not. But that's one man's opinion.

That's a wrap y'all! Usher and Tameka filed for divorce (shocking!). People says, "Usher has filed for divorce from wife Tameka Foster Raymond. The R&B star filed the petition Friday in Superior Court in Atlanta, court records show. The couple, who got married in August 2007, have two sons together, Usher Raymond V, 18 months, and Naviyd, 6 months. Usher, 30, and his wife of nearly two years, 38, have been leading separate lives for months, sources tell PEOPLE. The singer has been away from home often recording his next record in Las Vegas, one source says. "He's done his best to keep Tameka away," says the source. Another source told PEOPLE that Tameka has been focusing on keeping her family happy."

Electrifying conclusion: Guess the power of hatin' bitches all across the world proved unconquerable, haha!

Back From The Dead!

2009-06-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

"T.E.C." is back by Anonymous request actually. I thought about it, and said, "Why the f-ck not?" David Carradine done killed himself doin' some real suspect sh-t. "Speidi" is wil' for the night out there. Lady Gaga has the music world captivated for reasons I can't understand. Jay-Z is back with a song I don't know how I feel about yet. There's a lot to talk about. Let's start concluding...

So David Carradine was found hanged to death in a Bangkok hotel. They cried suicide at first, but then remembered that they couldn't convince ANYONE with sense that white men go to Bangkok to do anything but engage in the most taboo of activities. And when it got out that his wrists and nuts and sh-t like that might've been bound together on some weird, possibly gay, Thailand-type sh-t, they decided not to try and play us. His famalams threatened to sue after finding out that some Thai publication released a pic of the hanging body. Turns out the pic was fake.

Electrifying conclusion: His publicist said that the death was definitely "accidental." I'm sure it was. Nigga aint intend on dying. He probably did a buncha strange sh-t and accidental died during said strange sh-t. He was famous, but not that famous anymore, and it's always funny how those types of stars become crazy famous after doing some dumb sh-t, you know? Remember, O.J. wasn't that famous anymore when he started murdering white couples. Phil Spector, Robert Blake, they weren't all that A-List at the time they started killing women, feel me? Now David will always be known for this instead of bad acting on "Kung Fu" and deliciously bad acting in "Kill Bill."

I love it when I get new batteries for my toothbrush and it's rip-roarin' again. Makes me feel like my mouth gets cleaner.

Where'd Lady Gaga come from? Her voice is ultra-annoying, though her songs are a bit catchy. The fact that she seems like a mega-slut is appealing, I guess. She has two Top 10 singles right now, "Poker Face" and "Love Game," while her former #1 "Just Dance" is still all over the airwaves. Plus her album is over 1 million copies, and in the top 5 after 8 months. Success and publicity-wise, she's certainly following in the footsteps of the person she most obviously is channeling - Madonna.

Electrifying conclusion: Gaga is a phenomenon of mediocrity. I actually think Katy Perry (who I have a secret crush on) is SO much better. A more interesting voice and slutty look than Lady. Doesn't it sound like either Britney (who's "If U Seek Amy" is better than anything by Lady Gaga) is imitating Gaga now, or Gaga is making the music she thinks Britney should be making?

I just might go see "Hangover." Just saw "Seven Pounds" - wow. Just saw "Righteous Kill" - ehh. Just heard Jay-Z's "D.O.A. (Death of Autotune)." First time I heard it was live, and I, for some dumb reason, though that was the actual recording. I thought it was amazing and risky. Then I heard the regular recording and lost much enthusiasm. It's good, not great. But like Swift and Cav said, it's more like an instructional piece. It's good stuff.

Spencer Pratt (I won't give his rap album any more light than this sentence right here) might be the smuggest person on earth right now. And Heidi may very well be the most annoying blond since, God rest her soul, Anna Nicole. What will their kid be like? But check it- they said they were "tortured" - literally - by NBC execs. TMZ reports, "We've learned Heidi was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a gastric ulcer after being held with hubby Spencer Pratt in a dark room for a day and a night with only water, rice and beans. It was designed as punishment because they left the show. One cast member described their treatment this way: 'It's the same as Guantanamo Bay.'"

Electrifying Conclusion: C'mon now. Torture is watching this show for more than 30 seconds, know that all they would have to contribute to the good of mankind is a flash of Heidi's tits - wait, at least they're self aware. Heidi's scheduled to be nude in an upcoming issue of Playboy.

I'm StarPower and I approve this message.

p.s.s.s.s.t. -

you should really, really come to this:

(yes, that's my classroom - go on, click it).

This Is An Honorable Death...

2009-02-19T07:46:00.000-08:00

...because you were my first. I don't count Friendster and MySpace; those were like french kisses, ass-smooches, and titty-sucks. Gave me a rise, but not the release I need. But you, T.E.C., you let me in whenever I wanted, and you were all about me and what I wanted to do. No pretty profiles or photo albums. With you it was always about being forward, not displaying faux-wit. You let me get my rocks off each and every time, exactly how I needed to, and for that, I will forever be greatful. Your spirit will live on in "I Think I Love My Life." R.I.P.

Lifes All About Making The Right Choices, Even For Celebrities

2008-11-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

Seems like things have went downhill, music-wise, for Fitty ever since he challenged Kanye to 9/11 hip-hop supremacy last year, huh? I mean, dude is still worth a cool quarter-billion and rising, but he's just not putting out the hits anymore. That "Get Up" joint is not making many folks want to do such a thing at all, and with a new 'Ye album led by 2 monster singles ("Love Lockdown" and "Heartless") as well as albums from Jay, Luda, Beyonce, and other 4th quarter heros on the horizon, Fifth's label thought it better to push his album into 2009. Check it - http://www.billboard.com/bbcom/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003891313.

Electrifying conclusion: No matter what he might get on the radio and/or internet and say, don't let him fool ya into thinking "Before I Self Destruct" was pushed back for any reason other than niggas aint checkin' for him right now. Doesn't mean he's washed; 50 could drop a hot joint right now and I'll dedicate my next blog to him. But his last few singles have paled in comparison to the monsters he was unleashing in previous years. This is a very real example of corny songs being reflected in an artist's weak sales. He'll do a nice number, as always, and kill 'em overseas, but no more of that 800,000 to 1,000,000. Nope. And don't blame the sales climate. We're seeing from artists like Wayne, AC/DC, Coldplay, and others that those huge weeks still exist (at least in the first week) for artists who make dope music.

My wife wants to believe that he's only doing it for publicity because my wife finds him cute, thus doesn't want to see him do anything that will make him less attractive in her eyes. Women are weird like that. Actions can make a guy less appealing to them. Whatever. I don't wanna believe it because I don't wanna see him go out like that. I wanna believe he's only doing it to keep milking that fine heiffer's tits without buying the cow for a li'l bit longer, until he gets tired of her and finds a real white girl to fuck with. You know, one that doesn't exclusively fuck with black guys. 'Cause those are the authentic ones. Somebody needs to tell Reggie that a blond, debutante, Taylor Swift lovin', daughter of the revolution comes with the contract. You don't wife Kim maaan! Look at Kim - she was built to be a jumpoff! This is what I'm talking about, by the way - http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx/?news=339789&GT1=BUZZ3

Electrifying conclusion: Like that fountain of wisdom Camron Giles said a decade ago, "You the type of cat wanna marry your lover/ Go to the end of earth for her, like Mario's brother..." These niggas nowadays kill me with their thoughts of proposals and engagements, and marriages, and the like. What happened to being a playa for life?! And it's not that someone has fucked his girl before. I mean, who among us, with any sense of decency, has wifed a virgin after turning 21 years old? Not many. Its that someone named Ray J (who I fux with, which should make it all the more intolerable) has his girl sucking all types of schlong and taking all types of cock in her slit on camera. For the world to see. You just know mad athlete/rapper/singer/actor cocks have become acquainted with Kim's quim. And something made Reggie say, "That's the vagina I want to spend the rest of my life with." *Sigh* For him to make up for this, he's gonna have to be, like, the first nigga to get at Malia Ann Obama when her pops leaves office in 2016 and she becomes legal and a bit more accessible. (Too much? Damn, I guess this is where the Men in Black shut my whole internet game down. Oh well, I had fun!)

Random thoughts: New York teams are improving my quality of life! After a huge baseball letdown, the Giants, Jets, and Knicks are giving us something to look forward to this winter. Don't break my heart, Knicks! Brett, sorry I doubted you!...Does Seal have a new joint out?...Make me see a James Bond movie... I aint know Wanda Sykes was gay, but I can see it, I guess - http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx/?news=339709&GT1=28103..... Make me care about Jen Aniston's beef with Angelina Jolie...I'm crushed about the fact that "True Blood" only has 3 episodes left (or is it 2?). Where the hell is "Tell Me You Love Me," by the way?...My birthday is Wednesday (right?). Still in my 20s. Barely. Still loving every moment. Living the dream people. Living the dream.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

p.s. btw, as far as the show last Thursday, to quote Li'l Wayne, "And sho' enuff, we did exactly what I said!"

Like Monica Asked, I Aint Take It Personal, It Was Just One Of Those Days

2008-11-11T05:36:00.000-08:00

After lunch, the kids were hype and the usual childish nonsense ensued, but at least they were hype to play Social Studies Jeopardy in preparation of the big test on Wednesday and Thursday. I steered clear of adults, so we avoided any incidents that would have turned this blog into "The Dope Show, Revisited" (that's a throwback for the folks who've been following me since a coupla years back on the MySpace blog). Anywho, at the risk of making this blog too much about me and not enough about the famous and infamous people I judge, let me just let you know about this cool show I have coming up (yes, I'm still a rapper, a pretty good one at that - this show marks the re-establishment of my position and return to form as a writer, rapper, and performer, as long as we don't get the shitty mics, aren't cut off halfway through out set, and I don't get that weird dry-mouth thing I started getting after they put a crown on one of my teet a year or 2 back; ugh, that was a killer @ the SUNY-Purchase show).

11/13/2008 9:00 PM - Public Assemebly
70 North 6th St. Brooklyn, New York 11211

Cost:$ 10

Description: On a bill headed by the legendary BEATNUTS, my crew, The Dugout, makes a triumphant return to reclaim our title as the best, most unique, most versatile up-and-coming rap group after a brief educational hiatus! Also with K Salaam, Tsi LaBrev, Tone Tank of The Nuclear Family, The Dugout Crew, and Jah C. Special guests: DJ Kunal Merchant, Precision Dance NYC, Chry Baby Cozie of The Breakfast Club and Trends of VH1’s I love New York . 2 for 1 redbull vodkas for the first hour.

Some Days Start Better Than Others

2008-11-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hey folks, this is my first time writing from my new gig as 5th Grade Special Education teacher in my beloved adopted borough, The Bronx. This blog originated out of the frustration and boredom I suffered at my previous job as Attendance Improvement/Dropout Prevention coordinator at a high school in the great borough of Brooklyn. Anyway, today finds me keeping my perspective and my smile even though it's only 10 am, and so far I've been met with the following obstacles:

- A broken passenger window on my Jeep. Fools aint take a damn thing b/c the radio isn't removable. They left me with nothing but shattered glass. Knew it would happen sooner or later b/c they do this to cars quite often. We park under a bridge by 87. By our building, the last building on Sedgwick Avenue. The only thing close to it is...a police precint. Go figure. I'm thinking it's an inside job, to get us to pay for a parking spot in our gentrified, overpriced apartment building. It might work. I'll let you know.
- A moody school secretary. Is there any other kind? I'm giving in my direct deposit information, and she's like, "Put it in my mailbox," which is a conditioned response to everything anyone asks her. After taking 10 seconds to not find her mailbox, I left in on her desk. Politely. Not wanting to help me will only make me ask for more help, for some reason.
- A p.a. system that gives me announcements for the other school in my building instead of mine. So I get useless interruptions instead of useful information. I go to the aformentioned school secretary for help, and I get a nice "Put it (the custodial request form) in his mailbox." But I was a step ahead. I filled out two. One for his mailbox (I've called, left it in the office, talked to a janitor, and talked to the principal), and one for her desk. After explaining my plight, not so nicely, all she could say was, "Oh, ok." They've had enough halo from Mr. Collins here. Time for the horns.
I'm sure my day will turn. I'll update you later.

Bet you didn't think about this when signing up for Facebook, high-schoolers: Colleges are looking at your pages to make judegements about you. Don't be too upset. I've judged folks by far less. Anyway, this is what I read on MSN.com: "The Wall Street Journal's September 16 edition featured an article titled "College Applicant, Beware: Your Facebook Page is Showing" that, with the help of a survey by Kaplan, finally confirmed the truth -- people, all kinds of people, are interested in an individual's cyber self. This new survey included feedback from 320 selective schools, of which 10 percent use social-networking sites to evaluate applicants, a fair amount of whom admit to being negatively influenced by what they find."

The Electrifying conclusion: You know you gotta change that AIM name. Because it's right there on your page, and the adjective that's in front of your nickname may reveal what kind of drunken, whorish things you're gonna do once you're in collge, but you gotta get in first. You might wanna do like I did when I interviewed for my job by covering my Black Supremacy tats, then exposing them to my principal right after I got hired. In other words, front for what you want, and when you get in, go in, so to speak. Those privacy settings are too easy to get around. Also, you may wanna evaluate your "Wall," (especially if you're my friend) you "Gifts," (I see too many thongs) and other applications.

Dear Roy Jones Jr.,

2008-11-09T12:04:00.001-08:00

I understand, for the most part. I'm not upset, for the most part. You are 39, you were the older man. Yeah, Joe Calzaghe is 36 himself, but I can only imagine what can happen to an athlete's body in the span of 3 years, especially in your late 30s. Roy, you didn't belong in that ring last night. In your prime, you woulda put him away twice as bad as he did you last night. But you aren't in your prime, and you were just the last notch Joe needed on his belt before he could retire. I also know that you both made a pretty penny last night, so that was also motivation. Again, I understand, for the most part. But was it worth the humiliation? You looked good in the first 2 rounds, but anyone who knows just a little bit about boxing knew that there was no way you'd look like that for the next 10. Not after what we've seen from you the past few years. Please don't get in the ring with B-Hop, Roy. That might be the last fight that people care about, but shouldn't, meaning if the dollars add up, it still might happen, no matter what you've been saying for years. Hang 'em up, Roy. I'm not ever mad at an athlete going past his/her prime. Who knows? There may be a comeback left, and we love those more than anything. But it's clear that you are done. Which isn't bad; everyone is done at some point. You were one of the greatest Roy. Period. I'd even take your career over Joe's. No one did it like you did it. But answer me this Roy: Why didn't you take at least one swing at Joe all those times he dropped his hands and stuck his head out in front of you? I know you probably couldn't see out of your left eye, but still. Why Roy, why? Because if this is the end, you fought valiantly, for the most part. But you did not go down swinging. You got your ass kicked, for the most part.

Tell Joe that although he got you and B-Hop on his resume, he didn't get the real version of either of you. He didn't have to taunt you. He only did that because that's the only way he felt like he could get a piece of the real Roy. You had good reason to never go overseas to fight in your prime. But he was scared to cross the pond, Roy. Scared. And yes, he's great, and he (maybe) retires undefeated, untied, but he never really went to war. And though I take my hat off to Joe the Boxer, we salute warriors 'round these parts. Warriors like you Roy. Now put away your armor and move on Roy. We won't forget -

"Y'all Must've Forgot" by Roy Jones, Jr.

No More Electric Relaxation

2008-11-08T13:27:00.001-08:00

"Welcome back, StarPower!" said T.E.C.

"Glad to be back!" I said.

"So I know you said you'd come back when you cleared your head a bit, enough to focus on people other than yourself. Are you in that place now?"

"I think I am, homey. I think I am."

"Back to judging celebrities, quantifying every and anyone's artistic output, deriding trends, and generally keeping folks abreast on what's important out there in the cultural landscape?"

"Spoken like a true blog, T.E.C. Yes, I am back. For real this time. I've been feeling extra spicey lately; high time I came back to my kitchen and dished out some sustenance to my people."

"Good shit. You know we got a new President, right? And he's a brother!"

"Yeah man, Barack Obama."

"How you feelin' about that?"

"I feel like I didn't help put him in office."

"What?"

"You see, I found out I had 'inactive' voter status a day before the election. Did some research and figured I'd be able to take care of it on Election Day and go help make history. Found out it was something I should have taken care of months before and something not so easy to figure out the day of. Long story short, my wife voted for both of us."

"I know your wife does everything for you, but voting is one thing she can't do for you. One person, one vote."

"Whatever, you know-it-all blog. The nigga won, didn't he? That's what's important. He aint need my vote."

"If everyone thought like you, he wouldn't have won. You would've been tight if he lost by 1 vote, wouldn't you have? They put those obstacles in place for people like you; white people will find a way, blacks like you need to be more proactive."

"Fuck you mean "blacks like me?! Racist-ass blog!"

"How the fuck can I be racist?! I'm a blog, I'm whatever color you made me."

"Your ass is gonna be clear, meaning non-existent, if you don't stop fuckin' wit' me!"

"You probably thought that was clever. That wasn't even clever. Not at all. Not funny, not clever. Guess that's what happens when you haven't been writing for a while. Use it or lose it, pal. By the way, how's the hip-hop going? Still saying your little raps here and there?"

"You condescending prick of a blog. Actually, I've been spending much of my hiatus writing really, really fresh rhymes. The freshest ever actually. Plus, I got a show coming up this Thursday, Nov. 13th @ Public Assembly in Brooklyn, 70 N. 6 St., 9pm, with my crew, The Dugout, some other talented folks and none other than, wait for it...The Beatnuts! So take that! No, better yet, like Diddy - take that."

"First of all, few will get your obscure little Li'l Wayne reference. Second of all, The Beatnuts aren't exactly Outkast. I'm sure they're thrilled to be performing with you. Newsflash: you live in the Bronx, but you don't exactly loom as large as Big Pun did on the hip-hop scene."

"Why you tryin' to come at me like that? I mean, what the hell dude?"

"I'm sorry; I think I just have all this built up resentment because I know you've been posting notes on Facebook and blogging on MySpace while you've been away."

"It aint even like that, T.E.C. I haven't been goin' hard anywhere. Especially MySpace. Only thing I been writing is lesson plans."

"Well, if you say so, I have no choice but to believe you. Just prove it by coming around more often."

"Ok, but, um, you sound an awful lot like a woman scorned. I know you're a blog and you don't have a gender, but I always considered you to be male, so this is starting to seem kinda gay. I'ma holla @ you tomorrow, ok?"

"Cool."

Random thoughts - Michelle Obama can get it. You know what "it" means. It means my penis. Not in a derogatoy way. I mean I'd have sex with her body...Does this mean we never again have to see Sarah Palin?...Is Gwen Stefani's baby really named Zuma? C'mon, this is getting ridiculous...No, I didn't hear Jay-Z is contemplating a run for mayor. I won't even entertain such b.s....Rachel McAdams is hot. Especially with red hair...Ciara is killin' 'em in that new joint, talkin' bout "I'm the energizer playboy bunny..." Giiiiirl! Stop playin'! Don't make look for you!...Brewers hired Willie Randolph as bench coach. It's a step back to managing I guess...My birthday is approaching, and I'm feeling more Scorpian-like than ever. I'm having FUN dude. Really.

Leo Dicaprio told Zac Efron he can have the teen idol title. Leo never wanted it to begin with. Leo said "I look at young Zac Efron and think, 'Go get it pal, leave me in peace,'" Leonardo told Fox. "I was never happy with the teen idol tag at all -- wanted to be a sex symbol or all that stuff -- it was the work that appealed to me. Really, nothing else."
Leo also said he had "total respect for how young stars like Zac handle it all. Really, total respect."

Electrifying conclusion: First of all, what made Leo think he still had that title. I don't buy little teen magazines and all that, but I'm pretty sure that even though he probably still gets a lion's share of quim, teen idol is a title that changes rapidly. There had to have been quite a few title reigns in between "Titanic" which came out when I was in high school, and "High School Musical." Second of all, it all seems kinda gay to me. "It all" meaning Zac Efron. I believed it when the tabloids used to report the exploits of Leo's "pussy posse" (which included Q-Tip, David Blaine, and Lukas Hass, and Tobey Maguire). But Zac could hang out with Ron Jeremy, Jack Nicholson, Joe Bellz, and Kevin Carr and I still wouldn't think he was after pussy. Just sayin'.

Random thought: I was watching a televangelist today and thought, "I could be a preacher if I was less sinful and enjoyed talking to people."

T.I. is hurtin' 'em. Peep this: "T.I. again succeeds himself at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 as "Live Your Life" featuring Rihanna, trades places 2-1 with "Whatever You Like." On Oct. 9, "Life" replaced "Like," making T.I. the ninth artist in the rock era to do this." - Billboard.com. The top debut of the week is a Jaime Foxx song featuring who else? T.I. Over a month in, his album (which did 1/2 a million in it's first week) is still top ten and headed for platinum by Christmas or sooner, most likely. Plus, his lyrical game gets tighter with each album.

Electrifying conclusion: Tip aint quite ready to concede the "Best Rapper Alive" or "King of the South" titles to Li'l Wayne just yet. He's building up quite the case before he enters prison. You can argue that on "Swagga Like Us" he had the best verse, matched against arguably the 3 best rappers in the game. Well done sir, well done.

So a lot of very influental folk (Ellen DeGeneres, Brad Pitt, Barbra Streisand, Melissa Etheridge, Steven Spielberg, Samuel L. Jackson, etc.) have put their influence behind the push to stop Proposition 8, which will overturn the rights to gay marriage in California if approved. Apparently, some were angry that longtime gay-friendly Madonna didn't do enough to help balance the scales. At her concert last night (where the big news was her bringing Britney and Justin together on the same stage {can you believe it! omg! that's too much fabulousness and gayness to handle in one building, let alone one stage!}) Madge said , "I am very sad to hear we didn't win Proposition 8. But we will not give up the fight. No, we will not. Never! If we got an African-American in the White House, we can have gay marriages." But one concertgoer said, "Too little, too late, Madge. Where was your money and influence before the vote?"

Electrifying conclusion: I guess a gay President would be the ultimate barrier-breaker, huh? It's like, "Fuck, we got a black in there, can it really be that hard to turn the White House into the Pink House?!" That concertgoer shouldn't have shit to say. If you don't like how Madge is spending her dough, then don't pay the hundreds of dollars I'm sure you paid to go see her live. Moron.

I'm StarPower, and I'm back to approving messages.

Electrifying Conclusion 9/16

2008-09-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

Hey there. Sarah Palin, blah blah blah. Plummeting stock market blah blah blah. What else should I be blogging about just because the new tells me it's important? Oh yeah, Hurricane (insert name) blah blah blah. Ok, that was insenstive. But this blog is about what I am actually interested in, and not what important things I'm too ignorant to care enough about. Right now, as far as music goes, I care about "The Carter III," ("I tell my girl 'when you fuck me better fuck me good'/'Cause if another girl could she gon fuck me good'") and that Kanye performance on the MTV Video Awards. As far as news, I care about this MS-13 perpertrated atrocity in Newark (remember when this shit happened?) - http://news.aol.com/article/6-indicted-in-newark-schoolyard-killings/174412. As far as sports, I'm praying that the Mets bullpen doesn't make them miss the playoffs again, even though I know that if they do make it in, the bullpen will stop them from going deep. As far as celebs, I care about everything Megan Fox (I knew she was hot, but damn, seen her in the new Maxim?), although I think this is a bullshit, made up story, which makes her wacker in my eyes - http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx/?news=330845&GT1=BUZZ2. As far as politics, I'd rather get my fix from "Doonesbury" than from Fox, CNN, or MSNBC. As far as you, the reader, I care about the fact that you have been conclusion-less for way too long. Like the Staple Singers said, let's do it again.

Now this, this is important. Quilted Northern has come up with the first 3-ply toilet paper (them other folks have been lying, I guess, when touting their triple-ply). The AP says:

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.
The new product will be launched Monday.

"Industry analyst" Bill Schmitz is skeptical, saying that the extra ply can't possibly make it softer, just stronger. He's accusing Q. N. of adding performance-enhancers (extra fibers) to their product.

Electrifying conclusion: Bill's a hater...How in the fuck does one become a toilet paper industry analyst or researcher? That's in the pool of jobs reserved for white people. I swear there are like 894 jobs that only white people know about and are able to apply for. I woulda majored in toilet paperology if I knew that an industry analyst job awaited me after school. But no one told me about this. I'm gonna kidnap and torture each of my white friends one by one, until someone gives up some info on this list of jobs...The product is being marketed mainly "to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time." Old brawds w/leaky bowels, basically. Well, I want a piece of the action too. I enjoy quality time on the throne also, and if 3 ply will help me stave off hemmorhoids for a few more years, then I'm all over it. No pun intended. Ok, yeah, pun was intended.

What the fuck? Nate Dogg has had a 2nd (!) stroke? - http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1594917/20080916/nate_dogg.jhtml

50 Cent is getting real corny, peep how he's still trying to live off of Kanye -http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1594781/20080915/50_cent.jhtml, but he does get money. Forbes says he was hip-hop's highest paid celeb, raking in $150 million. Jay-Z was second with $82 million. Fifth had clothes, movies, video games, album sales, and of course, Vitamin Water filling his coiffers. And apparently, this deal may push him into the stratosphere - http://www.forbes.com/home/2008/08/15/music-50cent-hiphop-biz-media-cz_zog_0818fifty.html

Electrifying conclusion: 'But StarPower, why do you care? You aint seein' none of it.' Shut it fucko. I applaud their abilities to generate massive amounts of currency, just as evil crackers have for many years. 'Bout time evil niggas get in on the action too.

Shia LaBeouf is an overrated human being. Missy Elliot is annoying as all hell. No one ended up caring about the DeNiro-Pacino movie. Jordin Sparks sounded like an irritating young chick on the awards show. Keri Hilson is maaad sexy in her new video, but the song is wack. Women cheat just like men do. Some invited guests skipped my wedding. Krayola sent me a very dope pamphlet. TRL is over - http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx/?news=330804. I once made a great song about terrorizing the TRL studio. The story of my life - while I aspire to be great, I tire because of the wait (weight). Still truckin' though.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

The Black Flash, The Imaginary Vanishing Lead, & Expanding Taste Buds

2008-08-20T16:25:00.000-07:00

You tellin' me this cat's name is actually Bolt? C'mon?! That's some made for tv shit! Then again, I always say that real life is more tv ready than anything scripted. Kudos to Usain (this guy has a lock on great monikers), you sir are a champion in their eyes. And mine. I'm a fanatic for outrageous sporting displays, and though Bolt's feat is being properly recognized, it's possible that it"s not yet being put in proper historical context. First of all, he's just about to turn 22 years old. 22 human years old. He probably has better days ahead of him. Inhuman. Better days than a 9.69 100 meters, faster than anyone actually gave humanity the credit of even being able to run. You see, he had no measurable wind behind him, which is uncommon for an outdoor sprint, and shut down to celebrate with 20 meters to go. Meaning, he could possibly put up something in the 9.45-9.50 range under ideal conditions and focus. This guy is like a Jamaican Neo. He's escaped from some sort of physical/mental reality that bounds most of the world. And the 100 isn't even his speciality, he just started that. Some think the 400 is his race. His 200 time is even more remarkable, because when Michael Johnson set that mark, he obliterated it with a time that seemed unapproachable. Bolt approached it and surpassed it. His size (6'5") is supposed to work against him, but he's turned it into an advantage, somehow beginning his next stride seemingly before he's finished the first. And he hasn't even refined his technique.

Electrifying conclusion: Bolt has already provided it. There have of course been performance enhancement allegations. Always a possibility I say, but as it stands, this is some 100 points in a game, 2 straight no-hitters, Grand Slam in one year, 7 straight Tour de Frances, Triple Crown type shit. I'm not saying Bolt's records are unbreakable, because he probably represents an evolution. We sometimes see people do some things a little ahead of schedule. I think Ato Boldon phrased it best, referring to Bolt, he said "Swimming has their Lazr suits and their deeper pools," he said. "We have a 6-foot-5 inch guy that's running 9.6s and beating the rest of the Olympic field by two tenths of a second. He's our new technology."

So I just read an article saying that McCain jumped ahead of Obama among likely voters, primarily because he's been on the offensive, and folks think he'll be a better manager of the economy. A few minutes later, I see that Obama's lead has been cut in half; it still isn't a dead heat, but he has some worrying to do. In that particular poll, Obama's lead is attributed to McCain being seen as a potentially weak manager of the economy. Both of these polls were splashed on the MSN homepage. I know not to take such things as gospel, but I know too many people who will argue you down based on such information. Polling of 1,764 likely voters. Not too scientific if you ask me. I know I'm not the first to make such an argument, and I'm sure there's a counter-argument I'm not enlightened enough to be aware of. Apparently, half of Hillary's backers won't vote for Obama. Wow. Who are they gonna vote for then, Johnny? I guess if they can't have Hillary, the status quo is the next best choice. Many voters don't believe in Obama's ability to handle foreign relations. So he went on a trip to a buncha foreign nations, giving McCain the opportunity to step front and center and hammer him every chance he got, making likely voters say "Obama's weak, he went overseas and got punked out." But, he went overseas to show y'all that he can do his foreign thang. That's what y'all wanted, yes/no? Listen, I'm stressing over planning my wedding (this Sat. 8/23), I can only imagine what planning a campaign is like. I don't see how that doesn't age you terribly. Obama looks great, and you know what? McCain's old as shit, but he's a feisty one. He has that Bush thing going as far as being a tough old white dude, assistant principal-type cat, who wasn't scared to bring all the hood niggas in his office and tell them what's what. I'm still ridin' w/Obama though on some 'CMB' shit ("we all we got!").

Electrifying conclusion: Y'all know I'm my brother's keeper, so I'm gonna vote for once and try to help a brother out. Obama needs to access just a little more of his blackness, just at certain moments, to let niggas know what's what. He said he fucks with Jay-Z, right? Jay needs to write some of his speeches. I could hear it now, both of them throwin' up the diamond saying, "It's the (ba)Rack!" (Ok, I know I'm not the first one to say that and think I was being clever/witty, and I'm actually tired of rappers trying to create marvelous wordplay with his name, what the fuck do you mean "I Barack with them Obamas?" That's nonsense. But dude got the kinda name that doesn't often hit the mainstream so I realize we gotta have as much fun with it as possible before hit just starts sounding common to us. I mean, we no longer find anything unusual about the name Snoop Doggy Dogg. Snoop Doggy Dogg?! That's preposterous. But we love him. Because he plays football with little kids. He's not a gang-banging Crip, no not at all. He's a Pop Warner coaching, reality show having, Justin Timberlake collabing, p-i-m-p. And we love him for it.) But yeah, Jay'll lace him - "I don't mean to boast, but damn if I don't brag/ Them crackers gon' act like I ain't on they ass." If Obama said that in a public form, I swear, I'd name my first child Barack or something close, like Billy. He would certainly never get elected to any public office ever again, but at least some guy somewhere whom he doesn't know would have a first born with a name somewhat like his. Or he could remix Jay's new joint, call it "Jockin' B. O." Since McCain's been comparing him to Paris Hilton and Britney and all that, he could hit him with that "Somebody shoulda told him I'm a fuckin rock star!" That would be a memorable day in black history.

Speaking of Hov, how y'all feelin' about the new joint (live version -recorded version) I felt like he was coasting, almost becoming a caricature of himself by rehashing the kinda shit that makes him Jay; the lyrics and sounds are minimal, but I kinda love it, it works. Then he said this: "I met honey at the show last year/ and now I'm acting brand new like a world premiere/ Yeah I know life ain't fair/ but chill babygirl, my girl is here!" Hilarious, and sly, when you think about who his girl is, and even though he's worth half-a-billy, hobnobbing with Chris Martin and Larry Bird, he's still "a nigga wit' a girl." Y'all know how that can get, right? Word.

Anyone know a good site where I can watch movies online? Gratis, of course.

Charles Barkley is gonna televise his colonoscopy - http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/8470928/?MSNHPHCP&GT1=39002. Talk amongst yourselves.

Hey, guess what? I'm gonna have a 5th grade class this year. 12 kids and a para (it's a special ed class). Let the games begin!

Could Usain Bolt look more Jamaican?

So, humans have generally been known to detect 4 tastes - sweet, sour, bitter, and salty. Recently, "savory" has been added, and now scientists have discovered that mice can taste "calcium," and humans probably can too since us and mice have similar tongues. Calcium apparently tastes "calcium-y." Here's the article - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315648//wid/11915773?GT1=31036.

This just in, human male tongues apparently have the ability to detect a 7th taste - "vagina."

Judging by the last statement, I apparently have no taste!

I'm StarPower, and I approve his message.