The first time you were accused of rape, I was willing to kinda give you the benefit of the doubt. You sounded so righteously indignant. The alleged victim had filed suit in civil court, instead of reporting the whole thing to the authorities.
But a second rape allegation? Listen, buddy, even if you didn't do it, it's a wake up call. Maybe you don't know jack about women. Maybe you don't know enough about the seedier side of human nature. Or maybe you don't know what "no" looks like.
So let's review a few things so you don't get a third rape accusation lobbed at you.
1) The drunk cannot consent to sex. So if she's inebriated, it doesn't mean she's good to go anywhere other than a cab ride home. Alone. Get her digits if you actually liked her, and call her the next day. She'll appreciate the gentlemanly gesture.
2) A girl's clothing is not an invitation for sex. You know what is an invitation to sex? An adult, sober woman saying, "I'd like to have sex with you," or some variation thereof.
3) "No" doesn't mean "I'd make an exception for you, you famous NFL quarterback."
4) Say the lady is good to go, sober, and is ripping your button-fly jeans open with her teeth. While she's busy, think for a minute, "What kind of woman is this? Would she want my synaptically challenged brain stem if I drove a front-loader instead of playing for the Steelers?" If the answer to the latter is no, well, chances are she may try to shake you down later, either by saying you raped her, consulting with a tabloid, or the time-honored way of permanently getting money from a professional athlete: Having unprotected sex so she can get knocked up and have an 18 year payment plan.
5) Only have threesomes, and check ID's at the door. That way you have a witness.
I hope my tips help you in some way avoid a third rape allegation.
Sincerely,
Me
I tried, really hard, to keep my opinions about the Bachelor franchise to myself. So many of my friends enjoy it, that it seemed like I was taking the whole thing too seriously.
Never mind the fact that I can't comprehend a world that finds getting a mate in front of a television camera whilst dating 20 people at once an adequate homage to the sanctity of marriage, but two men or two women who have been in committed relationships for years cannot get married at all.
Let's put that aside for a minute, and instead talk about something we can definitely all agree with (I hope) - the odds of finding a lasting, happy, adult relationship are slim to none if you don't enter the process with the right mindset. Marriage is not a game show. It's not a ratings bonanza. And anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is either a pimp or an ABC producer.
Or, well, a CW33 producer, apparently. Ever hear of "Project Husband?" It's new. Lisa has the venue. Now she needs the husband.
What?
Aside from being a shameless gimmick to get ratings and let some Dallas-area woman pose in a tank top and have her dating life filmed, it's offensive.
For one, why not a man? Why do we have to have a woman be the desperate one with a timeline?
And two, relationships leading to marriage need the chance to grow organically - not according to a pre-determined timeline. Some people meet, fall in love, and become certain of the status and health of their relationship quickly. Some take a little longer to be sure. But setting a specific deadline for finding a mate seems like you are dooming yourself to settling.
There are so many things that can make it hard to stay married. The economy. The rigors of childrearing. Sickness.
Why in the Sam Hill would you add, "I had to marry him or lose my deposit" to the mix?
But the Bachelor franchise - and this outing by CW33 - wouldn't happen if there weren't viewers. Sure, you may think it's entertainment, but is it also an indicator as to why the rate for divorce is so high in this country?
We just flat out do not value the sanctity of marriage. And if we don't, what was that argument, again, against gay marriage?
One time, I baked muffins*. I mean, I've baked muffins plenty of times, but this one particular time, I baked one and opted to just dump everything in the bowl, skipping the crucial step of mixing the dry ingredients together first, then adding the wet ingredients.
What I got instead is misshapen hockey pucks.
I bring this up because baking muffins is an easy analogy for the political process. Primaries seem unnecessary and boring, but in reality, if you don't take part, you end up with homicidal hockey puck with good hair.
I may have mixed my metaphors there. But you get my drift.
So yesterday, people voted in the primaries. Some voted strategically, opting to vote for Kay Bailey Hutchison or Debra Medina in hopes of at least forcing a run-off against incumbent Rick Perry. Some actually like Perry. Some actually liked Hutchison. Some really liked Medina.
But my first order of business for this post is to vigorously chastise those who didn't go take care of business yesterday, who are now whining and kvetching about what is wrong with this state/how can they pick him again/he's horrible, who did this?
In short, you did this. You didn't go register your discontent with Perry. So you may shut up right now.
And don't give me some BS about being too busy. Early voting. Look into it. Get your voter registration in order before November, and drag your sorry behind to a polling place. You can vote on the weekend if you vote early. So do it. Or shush. Forever. Seriously. I'm typing this in my, "I mean business," tone.
And now for some other hijinks, which I will mine from the Dallas Observer, who has done a phenomenal job of somehow finding the ugly underbelly of area politics.
How about we start with Eric Johnson and Terri Hodge. Even though several of the old guard said he wouldn't win, that Hodge deserved to win even though she was pokey-bound, something something democratic process precinct chairs should pick someone, he won. Without kissing a ring of any kind, I assume.
So there's that. Apparently people might just be tired of what is perceived to be business as usual in that neck of the woods. Maybe they're tired of seeing their leadership investigated by the FBI and paraded in front of judges. Maybe they remembered that Eric Johnson isn't some punk that moved in to run - he's one of them.
And then there's this brouhaha with Craig Watkins' campaign. First, I want to say that I have long admired Watkins' work to exonerate those unjustly convicted of crimes in Dallas County. But the man has a notoriously thin skin and an incredibly jerky knee. To survive in politics, he's going to need some armor and something for that patella tremor.
But to whoever posted all those comments (apparently from an Internet connection belonging to Craig Watkins Attorney), lemme let you know something. IP addresses? Kinda trackable. For instance, I can frequently see who visits here. If their IP address is attached to a business, it generally shows up. So if you're gonna try to do your boss/friend/mentor/brother/son a favor, you should do it from a less traceable computer.
And you can bash Sam Merten all you want, but I would've done the same thing. Sock puppetry is dishonest, and disingenuous. If Craig Watkins had salient information for Merten, he could've e-mailed or called. But to give yourself a bunch of aliases and cast around some rumors against Watkins' Republican opponent is dirty pool, verging on what the Nixon administration charmingly called "rat fucking."
And to Craig Watkins: You can bellyache all you want about media scrutiny, but as my granny said, you must dance with the gal that brought ya. You can't court the media when you walk out of the courtroom with a newly exonerated person, but then duck them and cry that they're persecuting you when they ask you salient questions about your doings. It doesn't work that way.
And like it or not, a man who associates his name with the word integrity by beginning the Convictions Integrity Unit in his department can and will be held to a higher standard. You associate yourself with the word, expect questions when people wonder if something's off. You want to stand for integrity, so you're going to have to deal with everything that comes with it.
So readers, what surprised you or didn't surprise you about yesterday's election results? Was Sam Merten wrong to reveal that IP address? Comment, already.
*Not a euphemism. I actually mean I baked actual muffins. In an actual oven. I'm not talking about babies or sex. Muffins. Swear.
Oh, Kay, I kept waiting for you to really call out your incumbent opponent for Texas governor - Rick Perry. Sure, you poo-poo'd his Trans Texas Corridor project, but you did it with all the useless venom of a lady whispering behind her hand about a companion's scuffed Manolo's.
Politics, as you should know, is a blood sport. It's more Mel Gibson in Braveheart than Gwyneth Paltrow in Emma. Yet, it feels as if your campaign is disjointed and malaise-ridden. And to top it off, Rick Perry has clay feet. You could easily topple him, yet you won't. He's the worst kind of politician, which, as I told someone else today, is like saying he's the worst kind of ass pimple.
But for giggles, lemme tell you how to beat (or at least come a lot closer to it) Rick Perry:
1. You went to the right of Perry. When you did, you found Debra Medina already comfy there. You don't have the record to be right of Perry. Your core demographic should've been centerist to mid-Perry. There are a ton of voters out there looking for a conservative with common sense that isn't afraid to sometimes wiggle to the left a little.
2. Perry has a literal metric crap ton of things to ding him on. The death penalty and his refusal to investigate the Willingham case. His inability to be proactive when it comes to a review of death penalty cases after Texas began leading the nation in exonerations. A governor interested in justice would've called a moratorium on executions until every case was reviewed. And we haven't even started on the TYC or all the issues with CPS. Or the fact that he's still refusing to pardon a man who died in prison and was posthumously exonerated.
3. Perry keeps talking about your use of earmarks. ANSWER HIM. Instead of that cockamamie dead issue of the Trans Texas Corridor you've beat like a dead horse already on the glue cart to get the ranchers all riled up, if you really want to connect with your potential rural constituents, tell them how you used earmarks to help communities like theirs to build this, fund that. Point out to Perry that these earmarks were on the behalf of Texas.
4. Call Perry on his hypocrisy. He claims he hasn't taken federal dollars, but no, what he's done is loudly proclaimed he wouldn't, squawked about secession, and then quietly applied for federal funds anyway. He is a lying liar who lies, and well, you probably are, too, but you could at least call him on his, because it's so very easy.
5. Grow a pair.
It is, honestly, probably too late for you to win, even if this thing goes to a runoff. So, Bill White, lemme say that nearly everything above also applies to you. The most recent Pew study about millennials pointed out that they self-identify overwhelmingly as Liberals, and as Democrats. Yet, they are probably unlikely to vote in a non-presidential election - unless you can fire them up. Perry's reckless disregard for justice and human life would do just that.
Getting their ire to simmer won't be enough. Go forth, and conflagrate.
I understand it's been a very busy weekend for your company and its contractors. But something happened that bothers me, and it should bother you as well, because it affects the reputation of your company.
Our neighborhood has an active group of neighborhood watchers, and we tend to keep each other updated via e-mail and such.. As the outages in our neighborhood stretched past a day, and it got colder and colder, we started comparing notes.
And then I began hearing from people that when they came across an Oncor repairman out and about, they inquired about a possible ETA on our neighborhoods. Please understand - these people are educated folks who read the newspaper and keep up to date. They knew that there was upwards of 200,000 without power. They knew there would be a wait. They simply wanted an idea of how long that wait would be.
They were told, by either one of your crew or a contractor, that our neighborhood was "not important," and if we were lucky, we "might" get power by Sunday evening.
I find this unconscionable. It's cold. People are feeling powerless. All they want is some kind of personal assurance that you do indeed know we are without power. To add to the issue, in several areas, you could see that across the street, they had power. You could go two blocks over, and it would be dark, but go past a four way stop, and there would be power. There is seemingly no rhyme or reason to how neighborhoods are brought back up.
And then there is the automated system to report outages. It's frustrating, after 24 hours in a cold house, to call and get the exact same confirmation number and feel that you're no closer to a warm house than you were when you woke up Friday with no power.
You would normally pay a consultant thousands for what I'm about to lay out for you for free:
1. The automated system is good for the first call. For one, you couldn't afford to hire enough people to hire the calls for 200,000 outages. It would be a waste of manpower. But that confirmation number should MEAN something.
2. After a 24 hour period, a caller should be able to escalate the call when they put in their confirmation number. Right now, you get the same one every time you call, leaving you to feel this number is as useful as, pardon the somewhat salty phrase, tits on a boar. At call number two, the customer should be able to enter their confirmation number and an option for an ETA or to talk to a live person.
3. After 36 hours, that confirmation number should get you to a live person. No matter what. You have people with small children. Elderly people on fixed incomes. Chronically ill who can't be in the cold. These people need to talk to a live human being.
But most of all, you need to teach your repairmen to be polite, and respectful. They should say, "I'm sorry, but I just go where I'm dispatched. I wish I could help you." People won't like it, but it's so much better than "not important."
I know you're the only game in town. But even the only game in town should be able to find some way of better dealing with the public. This is not it.