the emergence of me

reawakening

2009-06-24T22:55:00.000-05:00

10:41 pm

Watched confessions of a shopaholic. Was better than I thought. Had read the book and LOVED it. Of course the movie was different. But while watching it, it made me want to write screenplays. Or at least write romantic comedies again. Like it was calling out to me - write. Write. I think as I close the doors on web design and “making” money (and all the pressures associated with that), I’m starting to open up to NEW possibilities (or I should say OLD renewed possibilities). I’m starting to feel renewed hope and optimism. I am starting to see where writing can take me (even if it never gets published). It’s starting to feel REAL again. Something it hasn’t felt in a long long time. And it’s making me want to put it out there again, take risks, take changes, DO something meaningful with my life. And maybe for me, meaningful isn’t the typical 9 to 5. I keep thinking that maybe it is - like I should force myself to conform, to fit in, to be like everyone else - but really is that what’s best for me? Is that what’s best for everyone?

So I’m excited again. For the first time in a very long time I’m actually excited!! And it feels good.

days

2009-01-07T15:27:00.000-06:00

Days just slip and slide into each other like nothing at all matters. It’s quite disturbing how this happens. It makes me wonder.

getting excited again

2009-01-05T19:11:00.000-06:00

Am back from panera and borders. Went around 3:30 because I was starving and had a 40% off coupon for borders. Ended up in the writers reference section for like an hour - no joke - looking at every single writing book available and all the word books (like how to expand your vocabulary). I wanted to buy them all. But did end up buying a book on writing (kind of like an index book) and then one on creativity coaching that I found while browsing the self-help aisle. Then one on putting together your list of things to do before you die. I can really see how they all tie in together. I feel like I have a little baby sprout of an idea that wants to burst forward - that incorporates writing and creativity and coaching and even photography - but it’s still just out of my reach. Maybe it’s creativity coaching - and incorporating helping people to break out of their box through creativity - and pushing me way outside of my box. I am also in search of clarity and fous which I think is why I resonated with the things to do before you die book. Like I need some goals. And I need to think it through. I need to be PURPOSEFUL. And I need to break beyond my own boundaries - to really push myself creatively. Whatever that means. And it doesn’t even matter what it ends up being as long as I do it. It really is more about the process. So am very excited about it. Feel like I’m FINALLY moving forward again AND am excited about it (which is a HUGE deal).

survey o'fun

2008-12-29T17:13:00.002-06:00

Found this survey on my girlfriend's blog and wanted to answer them, too. I'm such a sucker for surveys.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

I started a photography business (if you can call it that) and started selling my photos are various art/street fests around Chicago.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I don't think I made any NY resolutions last year. It was more about being done with 2007. And this year it's more about letting go of the stuff I don't want to bring into 2009 (old attitudes, old clutter, etc).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

OMG - where do I start? It seems like everyone we know has given birth in the past two years. There were at least three babies last year if not more. And about 10 the previous year (no joke).

4. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Clarity and a booming business

5. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 14 & 15 because that was the date of my first art show. I was lucky that it was right here in Andersonville and I could sneak home for a much-needed break.

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Starting my photography business

7. What was your biggest failure in 2008?

Letting the Fantastic Girls Club take a back seat to the photography (although I don't really see it as a failure since I didn't give it much energy this year)

8. Where did most of your money go?

To pay rent and bills

9. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? much happier
b) Thinner or fatter? a little fatter
c) Richer or poorer? richer

10. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Enjoyed my free time (instead of feeling guilty about it) and saw friends more

11. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Agonizing over what to do with my life

12. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Yep. I fall in love with Kurt over and over again (usually after we fight and I'm convinced we should break up).

13. What was your favorite TV program?

Project Runway

14. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don't hate anyone.

15. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 38 and went out to dinner with Kurt to some cute little French bistro down our street.

16. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having published my book or similar

17. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

very very casual

18. What kept you sane?

photography

19. What political issue stirred you the most?

I try to stay out of politics as much as possible. Am sad to admit that I'm hopelessly out of touch with what's going on.

20. Who was the best new person you met?

It would have to be my cousin marie's boyfriend john who used to write for the chicago reader.

21. Tell us what valuable life lessons you learned in 2008.

That things do get better and that it's ok to start at the beginning.

schedules

2008-10-24T10:52:00.000-05:00

making a schedule then totally disregarding it feels surprisingly refreshing.

money and choice

2008-10-20T12:29:00.005-05:00

i recently discovered an interesting phenomena: that more money isn't necessarily better. sure, you probably already knew this or knew it on some level, as well as i might have known, but it just recently hit me when i was trying to decide whether or not to take on one more project.

for the past six months or so i've been juggling three careers: photography, life coaching and web design. all are essentially new endeavors. even though i've been doing web design on and off for over 10 years, i need to significantly upgrade my skills (which i've been doing all summer) to catch back up to speed with the way things are. and for some reason i thought it was perfectly normal to be juggling three careers even though i felt positively overwhelmed (most of the time) and pretty much unfocused.

well, i've decided to make some changes.

it's so interesting to me how money sometimes (or maybe most of the time) drives decisions. i know this happens to me a lot. i've been in the process of making some career changes over the past year (or more) and it's funny how i keep flipping back and forth from what i WANT to be doing to what i think i SHOULD be doing. i am in the fortunate position right now to really be able to do what i want, without money considerations, due to my husband being able to 100% support us financially. (and he also 100% supports me in all the other ways as well.) but that little part of me, the one with the mother that always said "don't be dependent on your husband," keeps me coming back to BUT I NEED TO BE MAKING MONEY! and now with the current status of the economy, that voice has gotten even louder.

and the funny thing is that the money keeps coming to me (in a way), taunting me, saying DO THIS and DO THAT. it's not like i'm even going out looking for it (except maybe thinking about it in my mind) but then, there it is, finding me and calling me to make some tough decisions.

about a month ago i started contemplating getting a job and BAM - someone emailed me (out of the blue) wanting me to interview for a position at a very cool content-driven marketing company. i interviewed and they loved me (they told me this) but my heart wasn't in it. did i really want to pile this on top of my three careers and try to do it all? or sacrifice what i'm doing in order to make money? believe me, it was a tough decision. and i decided that i don't want a job at this time. (side note - i am happy that i went through this process because it really helped to quiet the voice that kept saying "maybe you should get a job." i'm happy that i was able to shut it off, at least for now.)

then just last week i had someone contact me for web design work. it's so interesting how life works. earlier in the year (sometime in the spring) i had decided that, yes, i was going to start doing web design work again for others (and for money). ever since i started coaching and networking with other coaches, i had been approached to do their websites, since most of them were just starting their practices, but i always shied away from it because i was focusing on coaching. well, once i decided to open that door, i swear to you the very next day i had a web client. and i've had a few over the summer and now this new one knocking on my door while at the same time i'm facing down do i do something for the money or focus instead on what i want to do. it's a really difficult decision.

but then something clicked in my brain - do i want to have money or do i want to be happy?

before this, i was thinking that having money would make me happy (as i'm sure a lot of us assume). but as i started looking at taking on a new web client, one who would totally stretch my technical skills when i'm still getting a handle on the more simple web design elements (which, believe me, are not "simple" at all), i felt totally overwhelmed. although i'm sure the money would be good, i also knew i would be under tremendous pressure to learn a bunch of new technology in a very short (and probably unrealistic) amount of time and would be completely overwhelmed and frustrated. is that really how to live my life? is that really going to make me happy?

it's one thing to take on projects when you feel prepared and want to do them, but it's another when you feel like you need to be doing it because it's here staring you in the face and you'd feel like a fool turning it down.

contentment

2008-08-19T13:58:00.001-05:00

am learning the meaning of the word content. instead of feeling like I need to rush off and be doing a million different things or running errands or simply being outside because it’s beautiful, I’m content to be inside, at my computer getting things done. I’m content. and it feels great. (and getting things done is a bonus, too.)

more leaps

2008-05-22T12:49:00.002-05:00

i feel like i've been doing nothing but leaping these past few months (or, really, years). am spending more money today (on credit) to purchase mats, frames and prints for my upcoming art shows in june. am not sure if i'm over-doing it or not. i probably am. but it takes at least two weeks lead time to get mats special ordered and i really do not want to be left with low inventory. (i guess this is my optimism sneaking through - that i'll actually sell everything i have.) worst case scenario, i'll be prepped for the next few years. best case, i'll still sell out and will be thrilled.

i'd like to have other outlets for my photos, too. right now i'm relying solely on art shows (which are really street fests) and am unsure how successful they'll be. and if it rains, i'm screwed. right now i have so much invested in it, including the tent and all of that "extra" stuff you need for shows, that i can hardly back out. not that i want to. i'm all in now. and in a way that's cool. and in a way that scares me to death.

in limbo

2008-05-13T18:30:00.003-05:00

i feel like it's the lull before the storm. i've been gearing up for my first art show ever at an art/music fest here in chicago, scrambling to get everything coordinated and done in time. of course i have no idea what i'm doing. i found an online art show forum thru yahoo (thank GOD!) that's offered some helpful suggestions and insights. however i still feel like i'm winging it. and right now i have a lot of it done - but still a lot to do - and although i know i'm moving forward, i also feel like i'm standing still. is a very strange feeling. it's like i've already leaped (which i've done with the first push of the "buy" button when i ordered a mass amount of photos, mats and frames) but i haven't quite landed yet. i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i'm hoping that my first art show will be the andersonville midsommer fest on june 14 and 15. it's right in my neighborhood, which is nice for a first show, and am sure will be lots of fun. however i turned my application in right at the deadline - i actually drove it over there and slipped in into their mail slot - so am unsure whether i got it there in time or they even received it! haven't heard a word yet. hopefully will know something soon.

although i didn't receive direct confirmation from the custer's last stand art show in evanston (on june 21 and 22), they did cash my check which i take as an acceptance. so that may be my first show.

i haven't registered for any others yet however have two in july and one or two in august and one in september that i'd like to do. in a way, i'd like to do one show first to see how it goes (how i like it, how much sells, whether it's worth it) before i commit to the others. but the thing is, i have all this inventory now that it's like i HAVE to do these shows or lose out. am sure it'll all work out. is just a bit like being in limbo at the moment.

success

2008-04-15T20:35:00.002-05:00

ok...this is somehow it. i knew it was coming, i felt it looming before me, but now that it's quickly approaching all i'm feeling is fear. how strange is that?

had my premier art show over the weekend. was very impressed and moved by the people who chose to come out and support me. in fact, i was blown away. but it wasn't until today, after i sent out an email last night (at midnight) announcing that pics from the art show (and my toledo visit) were online that i really felt the support. emails have been streaming in all day and i've had almost 500 hits on my website TODAY. now, that's a record. most days see like 10 or so. nothing like this. and over 71 unique visitors. do i even know 71 people? well, i probably do, but not enough to visit my website on the same day. they usually spread it out a bit. so am feeling a bit overwhelmed, very grateful, and wondering what it is i'm going to do next to keep the momentum going.

my babies

2008-03-27T21:43:00.003-05:00

took a couple pics of my babies today and had to share. charlotte's the white one, looking somewhat innocent, and syd's the grey one, looking as grumpy as ever.

all in

2008-03-26T23:44:00.002-05:00

in case you're wondering - and you'll need to read the blog right before this one to get it - i did it. i placed both orders and am now fully in.

accidentally in business

2008-03-26T22:59:00.007-05:00

suddenly i'm finding myself in business.

am not really sure how it happened. all i know is that i'm finding myself placing another order for mats, mount boards and frames for my upcoming art show on april 12 (email me at laura@laurakinker.com if you want an invite!) and realizing that i'm investing a ton of money in what essentially is inventory. i barely remember my thought process when i ordered the first patch of photos, mats and mount boards except that it was a bit of an investment for me and was very scary. what i don't remember (exactly) is what i intended to do with the 260 photos i ordered. it seemed like a good idea at the time.

and now i have this art show on the very near horizon - one i decided to initiate on a whim - and now find myself ordering MORE photos, mats, mount boards AND frames to help fill the show out and make it successful.

am i nuts or what?

so i'm sitting here (again), contemplating hitting the order button for the new batch of mats, mount boards and frames and asking myself WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? it's like i'm either all in or i'm all out.

hitting the order button will put me into a whole new level of business. it will be more than a bit of fun. it will catapult me into registering for art shows, buying a 10 x 10 white canopy tent, figuring out the best way to display my photos at the shows, and learning how to run a legitimate business complete with paying sales tax. this will be a whole new level for me. one i didn't even contemplate a couple months ago. it's all a little crazy.

one small step at a time

2008-03-09T14:30:00.002-05:00

the more real this all becomes, the more nervous I get. I feel like I’m FINALLY moving towards something real and tangible and it’s all very surreal. but at the same time I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. sitting here in the kitchen nook, overlooking the alley and the cottage-like walk-ups behind us, I’m feeling more like that kid who lived at home and felt all secure and cozy and knowing. very comfortable. but uncomfortable at the same time. like on the verge. it’s excitement mixed in with apprehension mixed in with hope mixed in with fear. a lot going on at once. but I’m still trudging through it, pushing forward, and feel like I’m starting to make great headway. and that’s very intoxicating. i see a lot of opportunities opening up. a lot of directions to explore. and I’m loving that! one step at a time. I keep reminding me that it only takes one step at a time.

diving into the deep end

2008-03-08T20:06:00.007-06:00

ok, here i go. i'm diving into the deep end. or so it seems.

am getting ready to put in a BIG order for mats, poly bags and backboards from redimat.com and i am so nervous. it's the most money i've spent in one lump sum in a long time. i already ordered my photos which, ironically, are a lot less expensive than all the stuff i need to make them look presentable.

this is what i want - to have a start-up collection of photos to sell - but part of me is wondering if i'm thinking too small (although this is the smaller part of me) and i should be ordering in greater quantity to reduce per piece cost. another part of me is wondering if any of this makes sense at all and what will i do with 230 photos if they don't sell? the good thing is that if the photo itself doesn't sell, i can always swap it with one that does.

my collection is a bit overwhelming, even to me. i didn't stick with only 15 photos (my original intention) but instead printed over 100 different photos (all 4 x 6 so pretty economical) just to test the waters to see what people like and what people don't like. i ordered extras of the ones i really like along with bigger prints (8 x 10s, 11 x 14s and one 16 x 20 to test the print quality). i'm not planning to frame any of them at the moment but that's always an option.

here i am about to push "checkout" and am surprised by the nerves that have come up for this moment. why should it be so scary? sure, if it doesn't work i'm out a bit of money - money i could be investing in other areas (and i'm not talking about clothes or fine dining but software) - but i have to have some sort of faith that this is what i'm supposed to be doing and that it will all work out. talk about leaping!!

making changes

2008-03-07T13:15:00.004-06:00

isn't it interesting that when you want things to change that it's you that has to change? like one wise person said long ago (and many since then) that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. yet how many of us are guilty of doing that? i know i am.

i've been dealing with plantar fasciitis (a pulled muscle arch) for almost a year now and although have been trying a bunch of different things to try to permanently correct it, like always wearing shoes, getting several cortisone shots (very painful!) and icing it, it will not go away.

well, as a last resort before doing something more drastic like surgery, i've decided to stay 100% off that foot for three full days and see what happens.

as i've been hobbling around my apartment, and resenting feeling stuck inside despite the chilly weather, i'm realizing that i'm having to change my behavior in order to change my condition. go figure. even though i had made small changes before, i wasn't willing to stay off my foot - really the main thing that would help the arch heal. but i really fought that. for a year i fought it. i could not sit still for more than a few hours at a time before i "had" to walk on it. we even bought crutches several months ago but today is the first day i'm making full use of them. i've also been using my office chair on wheels as a make-shift wheel chair. is much easier than the crutches and you can actually carry stuff around, too. and, thank GOD, we have hardwood floors. i've kicked all the rugs to the side.

but it's finally hitting me that i have the control to change my condition by changing my behavior. even though i always knew this (and even coach people on this), it's like a lightening bolt to me today. wow. imaging what i else i could change by changing my behavior. i could finally shed the pounds i've gained by being practically immobile the past year (and also eating like crap). i could put my photography out there (as in print it up, mat it, frame it and actually go to the streets and art fairs to sell it). i can do just about anything. i just have to change the way i'm doing it (if it's something i've already tried doing) or simply start it if it's something new.

it's all very empowering. will be interesting to see where all this leads me.

starting small

2008-03-05T15:39:00.005-06:00

i get overwhelmed easily. at least it seems that way lately. i have so much going on - and each piece pushing me way outside my comfort zone and into uncharted territory. and of course i expect myself to simply sail right on through it with ease. and this is where the real issues come up because i'm not sailing through it with ease. it's all very confusing and sometimes disorienting and it feels like i have too much going on at once (which is probably true).

i started rereading chapter seven in tama keives' this time i dance! book since i'm hosting a book group to discuss it on thursday. it always amazes me how i seem to hear exactly what i need to hear exactly when i need to hear it. well, to no real surprise, this chapter is all about allowing yourself to start small and to be a beginner. so many of us rush to be just like whatever master or mentor we admire - beating ourselves up in the meantime for not being that great instantaneously and often times holding ourselves back from even trying. because if we can't be great and one if the best, why do it at all? sound familiar?

well, as i'm sitting here feeling all overwhelmed because i'm about 10 years behind on the latest website development software and skills, and 10 years feeling more like 1000 years due to the tremendous changes and advances made each and every minute (it seems), i'm realizing that there's very good reasons for my feeling totally inadequate. after all, i'm using software that's almost 10 years old, trying to perform up the latest technological standards (which i'm quickly finding is nearly impossible unless i want to handcode everything, and that also being in a whole new language that i've yet to learn). it's like trying to ride a bicycle in the indie 500. and win. nearly impossible. and very very frustrating.

i'm starting to come to the realization that it's not me that's defective (or inadequate or whatever) but my tools and probably my skill level at this point. i've always been one to learn as go, having self-taught myself on so many things including web design (in the mid-90s) and graphic design and photography. i'm realizing that i need to relax (priority number one!!) and let myself start from square one. let myself be the beginner at this since so much has changed. and let it be ok to be where i am right now.

how soon is now?

2008-03-04T14:00:00.002-06:00

am listening to the smiths – how soon is now – which in its own way is delightfully distracting. totally reminds me of college and all the angst that went along with it.

am somehow working my butt off – totally multi-tasking. trying to figure out what I need to do to legitimately sell my photos at art shows (all the tax stuff and licensing and it’s all so confusing) while working on a web design project (and trying to learn all the new css stuff that goes with that) while trying to figure out how much money I need to actually go to these art shows (figuring out not only print costs but software and framing and matting and the shows themselves). no wonder my head is spinning. am also im-ing with kurt about all the craziness. I am so bad at focusing on one thing at a time. maybe that’s a good thing. maybe not.

this is not a love song

2008-02-18T21:38:00.009-06:00

have recently been turned onto the retro active music channel on rcn and am loving it. this is not a love song by p.i.l. (public image limited for those of you who don't know) is playing. haven't heard this song in ages. takes me right back to me early 20s when i used to go to the local coffee house (named rabbles) at 3 am with my indian print journal and write for hours, my trusty espresso at my side, feeling like i could conquer anything and that all my dreams were attainable - that it was more a matter of when then a matter of how.

and here i sit some 15 years later (my god!) wondering when the when will show up.

and i'm still scribbling in my journal - a purple chinese print one these days - trying to figure it all out. my musings have turned more towards trying to figure things out (the how) than the actual dreams (the what). i'm pretty clear about what i want - although it does seem to be constantly changing in front of me like the sky after a violent storm. never the same thing twice. yet i get all caught up on how am i going to do that. and that's where i stall out.

gone are the days of hopping in my little white vw rabbit, sun roof popped, modern english blaring from the speakers, not a real care in the world, the whole world wide open before me and me behind the wheel, happy to be driving, happy to be out in the world. happy to be moving forward. happy to be exploring. happy to be discovering something new. i never got tangled up in the how.

i do feel like i'm recapturing that part of myself - the explorer girl who only looks forward, through the mist and fog, headlights on, happy to be moving at all, excited about where she's going even though she has no idea where that may end up being. and i'm excited about it. a whole new way of being.

how is it that we so easily lose sight of the joy of not knowing?

i'm in the process of redesigning my personal website. is such a process. there are so many ways to take it. i'm trying to remain loose with it and simply play. see what emerges. and go with it.

(if interested, i put the new front page out there. it doesn't match the rest of the site yet but it soon will. or it may all change. who knows. but if you want to check it out, go to www.laurakinker.com and let me know what you think.)

getting out of circles

2008-02-12T13:18:00.000-06:00

had a great conversation with jon ellis. started out talking in circles (as I usually do) about my career and trying to figure it all out and my fear of getting stuck doing only one thing. he listened patiently, giving me a bit of feedback here and there, trying to show me how my logic doesn’t really make that much sense. but around and around I continued to go until I really saw the real issue blazened before me: I don’t believe I can make money doing what I love. there it is. I can see it making some money but not real, I could live on it money. and since I hold this belief, I also believe that I must do something else (that I don’t necessarily want to do) in order to make real money. and my real fear is getting trapped doing the something else in order to keep making money that I won’t have any time or energy left to do what I really love.

today helped unravel that a bit.

jon ellis commented on how my true energy is very visual and great with asthetics and very creative. he felt a lot of energy around this – even more powerful energy than what he felt around writing. he always felt a lot of energy around writing, probably since I am creative, but he never felt that was it – the “real” thing I’m meant to be doing. my real calling. and he also commented on how he didn’t feel like I was ready to receive it until now. but now I’m ready. I’m strong enough and receptive.

it's so interesting how it has seemed to emerge out of nothing.

while talking with jon, I realized even more how much I love photography. not only was it there for me and very therapuetic during my intense times of grief, it always seems to bring me joy and happiness. I really play when I’m shooting. it puts me right into the moment and melts away everything else. it helps me to focus and concentrate and to see the world in such a different way. photography has never let me down. it has never frustrated me or beaten me up or left me feeling bad about myself.

writing, on the other hand, frustrates me. I write a lot and have always considered myself a writer – ever since I was acknowledged for my writing talent in grade school. but despite all the effort and dedication I’ve put into writing during the years, including college courses, after college classes, writing two books, writing countless articles, writing daily in my journal, it continues to frustrate me. I don’t feel like I’m as good as I could be (or should be) and I continuously beat myself up over it. when I’m journaling, thank goodness, I don’t. I just let it flow. and that’s how I see writing now – more as a tool to help release inner thoughts and less as a career or a livelihood. and that’s fine with me. it takes the frustration out of it.

but photography makes me shine.

so i’ve decided to make photography my main focus for now. to fully invest in it. to see where it can take me. to put a lot of my energy into it. to focus on taking more pictures and printing more of my work and possibly displaying them around in local shops and taking them to different art fairs throughout chicago and maybe into michigan and wisconsin. really have fun with it. because that’s how I see photography – as fun. and who says you can’t make money doing what you love?

sugar is bad

2008-02-11T22:03:00.000-06:00

i probably don't need to tell you but sugar is bad. in fact, it's beyond bad and is on the verge of evil.

my husband told me that a long time ago people used to call sugar "crack" because, basically, it was thought of as a drug. no kidding. i wish people would realize that today! i am certainly addicted.

as you may know, if you started reading at the beginning of my blog, i tried going raw for a week - which means all veggies, fruits, nuts, and a little oil and nothing else. no sugar. no processed foods. no cooked anything. and no meat. i managed to do it for almost five full days before caving to mexican and chilean sea bass (it was worth it). except since then i've slid into this scary place of eating everything i can and a new philosophy of more is better. and i'm dragging. it's got me so weighed down (more ways than one!) that i can barely keep my eyes open. sure, it's after 10 PM on a school night but i've been dragging for days with a sugar hangover. and i never really considered myself a binge eater - although i'm sure i've had my moments - but lately i've been inhaling sugar-filled products (ice cream, cookies, cakes, you name it) like my life depended on it. i'm a true sugar addict and it's scaring me.

the trouble with being at this point, like i'm sure is true with any addiction (although i'm not claiming this is any way on the same level as others), that it's difficult to pull yourself out of it. the more sugar i consume, the more i want. my body screams for it. and the more i eat, the worse i feel. although for one or two blissful moments after ingesting those sugary delights i'm happy. but then it all goes downhill from there.

i think what happened is that i went a bit extreme with the raw foods - going 100% cold turkey with little warning to my body and very little warm up - that i naturally swung to the other extreme once i let myself go. and now i feel stuck there.

honestly, i didn't intend this blog to be about food - what i'm eating, what i'm not eating, blah blah blah - but instead about my journey towards releasing my inner artist. somehow all this eating must have something to do with it.

i have recognized that i eat sweets to suppress (or bury) emotions. i think doing all this deep inner work is bringing out a lot of old (and recent) feelings that i'd rather not deal with. so i stuff them down with sugar. although that really doesn't help - i do feel a bit zoned out but not in a good way - and i'm sure all those emotions will continue to resurface until they make themselves heard. isn't it funny how we behave sometimes?

i wish i could say here and now that i will recommit to eating raw starting tomorrow but i don't feel ready to do that. i have continued with my morning green smoothies (very yum) except the difference now is that i'll follow it up with a fortune cookie or two (not good). if i could just cut out the sweets (and processed foods), i think i'd be doing pretty well. sometimes i think it's easier to be extreme. at least for the five days of raw there was no question as to what to eat and what not to eat. it was easier. and i knew i'd lose weight (which i did a little but have more than gained it back since) without much thought.

truth is i feel sloppy right now. sloppy with my eating (it's all over the place), sloppy with my finances (it's been a crazy month), and sloppy with my career (i don't know really what direction i'm headed with that). in a way, i feel unglued. very much all over the place. when i do focus, i do ok. but it doesn't seem to last. once i'm focused for a while, i get restless or distracted and i'm suddenly unfocused.

i'm not looking for solutions - just putting this out there and seeing if you can relate. if you can, i'd love to hear from you. if you can't, i am very happy for you.

coming full circle

2008-02-10T16:40:00.000-06:00

it is so interesting to me how i start out trying to figure everything out to only come to the realization that i can't figure everything out and that i shouldn't be even trying to figure everything out. it's perplexing.

i am a thinker. actually, i am an over-thinker. i like to figure things out. however, on this journey called life, and particularly over the past three years (since my mom died) and over the past few months, i'm quickly discovering the grace of letting go.

for a very long time i've gotten caught up in the world of "shoulds." i felt i should be making money. i felt i should get a real 9 to 5 job. i felt i should be working on building my business - and all that goes with it.

over the past year, i've been working over 40 hour weeks doing what i felt i should be doing to be successful, to succeed and to fill this void in my life, this inner yearning. yet no matter what i did, nothing seemed to work out. in fact, the harder i tried, and the more i focused on the shoulds, the less i felt i accomplished and the more frustrated i became. it felt like no matter what i did, i was getting no where. i felt like i was spinning my wheels, doing all that work in vein, and like i kept circling around the beginning (or even earlier than that) with nothing to show for my journey.

i was brought up to be an acheiver. goals were vital for my existance. having a plan and a road map and a clear idea of the outcome were essential. muddling around in the fog and the muck with no clear intentions or understanding of where i was going (or even where i've been) were very disorienting for me. i didn't like it. and i wanted to get out of there as quickly as i could.

lately i've been embracing a new approach to life and a new way of dealing with all my shoulds. i have started to listen more to what i want to do (with my life, with my day, with my career) while trying to calm the guilt that's inevitably cropped up. it's still a confusing time however i feel like i'm being surrounded by a lot to support this new way of thinking. i've always been fascinated by how whatever you need to learn or whatever you need to hear comes to you at exactly the right time.

i've been conducting a book group for tama kieves' amazing book this time i dance over the past month. and even though i read the book a few months ago, rereading it with my group has put me in exactly the right chapters at exactly the right time.

in chapter five (the chapter we discussed last thursday), tama talks about how you have to go through a period of undoing (of your old life and old identity) before you can fully embrace your new (or really your true) self. and during this period of undoing she stresses how important it is to give yourself space and time and to not to try to be productive. it's so easy to want to jump from one thing (usually a job in this case) to another with little or no thought to what it all means or what you really want to be doing. it's not an easy thing to do. i know i've been trying to be productive, to try to fill that void of being in the "inbetween" state, with no success. there have been many times when i said to my husband, frustrated by fruitless hours (and months) of work, "you know, i would have been so much happier if i would have just done nothing over these past months, went out and had fun, instead of trying to actually get some work done." ah-ha! little did i know how right i was. and, of course, i had no idea so continued to struggle trying to be productive for many more months to no avail.

however now i'm finally getting it. now i'm starting to see the wisdom of stepping back and letting things unfold.

when i was dating after my divorce, it got to a point where it started to become work. i was searching. and i knew i was searching but i thought this was how it was done. i was on match.com and yahoo personals and talking online and going out to bars and checking out guys constantly and making sure i always looked good when i stepped out my door and flirting whenever i had the chance. i was in full dating mode and determined to find a guy. and, yes, i went on lots of dates. and, yes, there were a few connections however none of them stuck and none of them were worth taking home to meet the parents. it wasn't until one new year's day, after a full night of partying up at my local bar, that i realized that dating was no longer fun. it was work. and it wasn't working. so in that moment i decided to stop dating and focus purely on having fun instead. and an amazing transformation happened. i no longer checked out every cute guy in my field of vision. i no longer worried when i went out whether i would meet "the one." i started to relax and really enjoy my life - and enjoy going out again. and almost exactly a month later (on feb 4) i met my current husband through a mutual friend at the first friday event at the museum of contemporary art, all relaxed and not looking, and actually stressed after a full evening of talking and getting to know each other and a few sparks flying that i was not dating! what was a girl to do? obviously, i let the not-dating rule slide a bit and now we're happily married but i truly believe it was my letting go and allowing myself to relax and be happy that helped to make this union possible.

so how to apply that to my career? i see myself falling into the same traps that i did when i was desperately dating. except now i'm desperately trying to figure out my life and my career.

today at church (unity in chicago - i highly recommend it), i was handed a booklet called day to day into emergence, written by reverend erica trantham, walking us through each of the 40 days of lent - each day with its own message and focus to help with our ultimate emergence at the end. well, like everything else that seems to be in sync with me, so is my church. in fact the whole year at this church is all about emergence - and so happens to be exactly where i feel i am in my life.

i opened up the book and was not too surprised to see the following passage and lesson for tomorrow (week 2 guidance, day 5) entitled follow me. i'm sharing it here because this is exactly what i feel i need to be doing at this point in my life.

My only obligation to God is to say yes to the dreams and desires that God places in my heart. I hear the call "Follow Me" and I willingly let go of attachments to ideas that could keep me from experiencing the fullness of Grace. Even though I am not sure where the call is leading me, I rest in faith that the will of God does not lead me away from the Grace of God. With peace in my heart, I begin my journey to emergence as I follow the call of the Christ within.

so this is where i am - learning to say yes to dreams and desires, to relax and enjoy my life without trying to figure it out or doing what i feel i should be doing. trying to release myself from the self-imposed guilt and to free myself to truly let my true self emerge.

it all seems so counter to what i want to be doing however i know deep in my soul that this is the best approach. in fact, this is probably the only approach that will truly get me to where i want to be going.

there have been many surprises that have already surfaced during this incredible journey of emergence. first off, my visual self has come out front and center, encouraging me to do more with my photography and to pursue the more visual arts. i've always considered myself a writer and in a lot of ways that label has buried the visual artist trapped within me. but now i'm letting it emerge and stretch itself out and explore and play. and i am very excited to see where it all leads.

the snow keeps coming

2008-02-03T19:35:00.001-06:00

ok, i know it's february and everything however why does it seem to be snowing (or at least very cloudy) every day? just looked outside, after reviewing slr digital cameral options with the super bowl on in the background, and saw that it's snowing again. and not some light flurries drifting through the night but what looks like the verge of a blizzard. is very disheartening. all i want to do is see the sun one of these days soon or i'll be forced to go to florida.

back on track

2008-02-02T11:00:00.000-06:00

well...had an interesting evening after my cooked food indulgence. my stomach rebelled a bit - i won't go into the details - and journaled this morning about the whole experience. (i'm doing morning pages - three handwritten pages each morning - as part of my artist's way class. is a great way to purge your thoughts first thing in the morning. and i don't do them on here since they're supposed to be very private and i prefer handwriting them out.) discovered that i don't want to do 100% raw. at least not right now. i still enjoy cooked foods and don't want to close that door completely at the moment. but i did wake up this morning and noticed how much clearer and smoother my skin looks, particularly my face. the little blemishes that have been hanging around forever are healing and even my little wrinkles seem much less noticable. so i know this raw food eating is doing something i like! and i am feeling better overall - less weighed down. and i do enjoy eating fresh foods. so had my green smoothie this morning and intend to keep eating at least 80% raw foods and see how it goes. i want to be able to go out to dinner occassionaly and not worry so much about what i'm eating. of course staying away from fried foods and even dairy (something i know upsets my system). but other than that, i want to feel "normal" and able to eat what i want when i want it. a small part of me feels like i'm caving to my old ways but another part, a stronger part, feels like i'm really figuring out what works best for me. and maybe someday i'll decide to be 100% raw, or my lifestyle will start to shift that way naturally. i feel like the more i eat raw, the more i'll want to continue eating raw and the more cooked foods will start to become unappealing to me. like last night, i did not want fried or fatty foods. i still wanted something relatively fresh. kurt and i ended up going to ole ole and splitting the most amazing chilean sea bass - very light and fresh but, of course, cooked. and i do not regret it.

i caved

2008-02-01T20:32:00.000-06:00

after being good all week, i caved. i ate cooked food.

when kurt came home from work, i was starving and pacing the kitchen with no ideas of what to eat. am not sure why but all of a sudden i didn't want fruits or veggies but i wanted "real" food. all of a sudden i felt deprived of all the pleasures in life - cooked food and reading. i think it was too much at once.

being the sweet man that he is, my husband took me out to dinner - anywhere i wanted. i didn't want to be "too bad" and scarf down a burger with fries. but i was definitely starving and looking for more than a chicken salad. we ended up at ole ole, which happens to be at the end of our street on clark (how convenient). we started out going to m henry, a cute little cafe i went to lunch at yesterday, but it was closed for dinner. turns out it's only a breakfast/lunch kind of place. so we trekked back to ole ole and, wow, it was amazing. we ordered guac and chips (semi raw!) and then calamari (pan fried but not deep fried) to start. then we split the most amazing chilean sea bass i'd ever had. wow. it was sensational. so tender yet spiced just right. we will definitely go back.

the whole time i kept asking kurt, "is this bad? am i being bad? what have i done?" and finally he told me to stop beating myself up, that i'm fine, and that i'm finding my balance. i need to look at it that way. it's not like i intended to be 100% raw 100% of the time. i wanted to try it for a week and i think doing it five days straight without deviating is pretty darn good. but i am feeling slightly guilty for caving before the weekend even got started.

my plan at the moment is to be at least 50% raw (what even the raw foodists admit to giving you a lot of the same benefits as being 100% raw) and balancing out the rest with good food that makes me feel healthy. really finding the balance. i think that's what is most important.