Through sewn shut slits
I watch them file past.
In no particular order.
Reverent.
As never before.

Ears pinned back
Reveal their whispers of
How peaceful I look
In my waxy pallor,
Underneath the clown mask hue.

Coiffed and sprayed hair
Covers those ears.
Taking in all
those things they wish
They’d said before.

Through pasty, painted lips
I laugh an echoed chamber laugh
knowing I now had
what I’d always wanted.
My revenge, and their regret spills from their eyes.

Tears.

Was it an accident ?  Unfortunate ?
That you threw it like a rubber ball -
Aimed at the ground,assuming I’d bounce back ?
Why amuse yourself in such way ?
Don’t answer. I’m already bleeding.

Feel for me using your heart,
Or lay me down on the ground softly.
Don’t move my head.
It hurts much too much.
You see, I was already bleeding.

Hemorrhaging, you’ll never return it.
Hemorrhaging or not I wouldn’t miss it.
Eyes burn so much, I’ll cry not. Broken.
Eyes, red rubber balls bouncing. You’d never know it.
Now bleeding, insides and outsides – a matching pair.

Step out of your noose,
the view from here is much nicer.
Take it ALL in-and know
we are equally damaged.
Don’t be a fool, it’s easy.
Give the sign if you can’t speak.

Don’t just cross your fingers
Or the days won’t ever change.
They will just keep on coming.
You’ll remain a self made anomaly,
And I’ll keep you company

Keeping options open
fans the flames of doubt
used to
set oneself afire,

to see if there is life
après smoke inhalation.
Crippled close enough to burn?
Far away enough to breathe.?

02152010

Slice eagerly through
the soles of my feet
slivers of giving up,
giving in, and lost words

Slice eagerly through
to the feet of my soul.
Giving up giving, and
in lost words.

Words gone.
Lost. Loving slivers.
Shards of silver plastic.

The day I met you was an ordinary day.

I was moving right along,
close to a numb peace about the death of my father,
though not necessarily peace with the family.

Feeling the failure of divorce,
adapting,
almost comfortable
in my race to mediocrity.

Then, there you were.

Electric shock when I shook your hand.
Now that I have heard the above quote,
I realize that TIME, did in fact stand still.
I knew you were The Anointed One.
Somehow deep inside, I knew.

I don’t know how long TIME stopped,

It was shock and awe
of you,
of us,
for months.

I know the quote is true because I lived it.

Forever locked in that first gaze.
If I close my eyes even now,
I feel the shock and see the spark.
Cold nights at your house are forever etched in my mind.
The drive back to my house was long,
the Diplomat and I would blink and we’d be home.

As I “blinked” I saw you.
The school boy butterflies of Love
made the past worthwhile.
The future worth living.
As TIME stood still,
no doubts we would be forever.

The turmoil after project cohabitation began
was evidenced by the continual stop and start of TIME.
Though it seems today we had more control.

TIME started again.
The ticking started – got louder in my head,
validated the second part of the “Big Fish” quote.
It moved “extra fast” to catch up.

That’s when my fear set in.

I am not sure when yours awoke.
I’m sure they have more to do with you
and the parts you keep hidden,
than it does my low self esteem,
or inability to be the dream fulfill-er.

I have not been a part of your recurring dream.
That takes too much effort for you.

My desires, my motives, my longing were pure.
My powerlessness grew as the fears took hold.
If things were so great, what did I have to be afraid of ?

I am not sure there is a true answer to that.
If I had been led to you by God,
certainly nothing should have scared me.

I was afraid I didn’t deserve the “vision”.
I was given to the idea that I couldn’t sustain it.
Fearful I wasn’t as pure inside as my true motives were.

Almost certain you would throw everything in a suitcase.
Run away.
I made it happen.

TIME forced the issue more quickly
with the fuel of my fear.
I secretly, and long before you, was fearful.
Afraid there was something growing inside me.
Destined to steal me away from all I ever dreamed of.
A cancer, or illness which I lacked the faith to investigate,
much less deal with, based on my fathers recent dance with death.
He feared it too and it was true.
I guess the same goes for me.
That fear created the self fulfilling prophecy
of what scared me the most.

I must move forward now.
Still unsure I understand why I must do so without you.
Without at least a taste of the “vision”.

It amazes me how much stronger,
more mature my love is for you now.
Now that you are gone. Tick, Tick, Tick.

TIME threw me where the world looks like video clips.
With traffic or lights whizzing by.
Time lapses of the twenty-four hours in a day.
I was paralyzed by the fear, shame and guilt,
unable to do anything but watch.
Fooling myself into thinking I was doing all I could.
Tired too quickly and for many unknown reasons.
I just got tired.

That happens when you are powerless.
Not seeking divine power.
The kind of power that springs from being honest,
repentant, forgiving, and compassionate
to those you love…
more than life itself.

And therein lies the problem.
If I love you more than I love “my life” itself,
how could I possibly ever truly love you the way you needed?
The way I wanted ?

I wish I had sought harder, fought harder.
I wish TIME hadn’t gone so fast that it caught up to itself.
I wish we hadn’t been tossed into the middle while TIME made its adjustments.

I hate you feel it is too little, too late, because I get it now.
I understand so much more because of the light,
recent months, you, and wavering health have shined on my life.
I need you to believe in me now,
to follow through on your committment.

I am still afraid.

TIME is moving way too fast now.
No longer paralyzed, I wait for you.

When it is time, I will run towards the Light.
For now, I pray for the day when TIME stops for you and I again,
and I wait as if it already has.

Copyright 2004 JN Varnell-All Rights Reserved

I can’t believe its really true,
but there is a Body of Believers.
They tried to warn me long ago.
Its taken your lifetime for them to know what they know.
They could never know the you I saw through my eyes.
Even if it was true, it never was for me until now.
Run away, Ill stay here dying.

And after, if they ask about you, I’ll lie.

The Mighty Monarch-

beautiful by design-
yet stealthy-

camouflaged-

hidden-
when faced with danger-

irresistible-
taste is bittersweet-
deadly to the adoring stranger-

metamorphosis-

escape from the warmth
of her cocoon-

sets free the anger
at being entombed

so she flys away too soon

beauty fly’s
and a perceived threat
clings to life

beauty lured me in
I was the one with
the cup and card

after I got the taste
she had no choice but to escape
my life fluttered before my eyes…

Aimless, numb in the status quo.
Where else to go?
A blind man repairing a broken ego.

Since we cant be together, just because you say so
Can I at least be the one you wont get over.
Let me be your one regret.

All I have done has been
To repay a karmic debt I felt I owed
It never really existed. Isnt that twisted ?

I wait here in this queue.
I wait here for you.You’ve gone-
You refuse to be “the one”

Now what to do ?
Just wait here in this queue
Wait for another “one” like you…

Hypnodrive.
A term that the writer in me would love to claim.
It might be my fabrication.
Doesn’t matter.
Can’t trademark or copyright it.

Hypnodrive.
That dreamy state that came from driving a long distance.
White line fever.
Similar sensation.
Not really asleep.

Hypnodrive.
Pairs with sudden awareness.
You have arrived at your destination.
So engrossed in thought that you don’t remember the journey.
Makes you miss exits, and the beautiful sights along the way.

Hypnodrive.
You feel lost when you’re sure of the route.
Miss the large neon sign flashing when you are looking for the sign.
Great metaphor for the way life’s been lived to date.

Roll down the windows, turn the music up loud.Time for a wake up call.
(Counting Backwards Now, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, SNAP !)

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