Life Updates From The Underground

Day #16 Having Sustainable Experiences

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Thu, 17 Jan 2019 02:02:00 +0000

Today was an interesting day as I have understand a lot more about life in general and the ways to make everything flow better. I never really noticed that trying to have sustainable experiences was about sensing everything around you.

The best way to experience this, is to make sure that all your resolutions are put into SMART goals, and really focused that will have you doing them at least 30 days throughout the way. Once, you have done anything in your life for 30 days, you will then come to the realization if you want to continue on or throw that out with the navy shower water.

I have had many SMART goals in my life but I don't keep on going when I get bored or busy or focused on something else. Yet, this year, I am trying to do all my goals in a sustainable way to make sure over the year, I can make them fully apart of my life.

The biggest one is experiences and a friend said "You should continue on even if you miss a day", which is 100% true. If I miss a day with my experiences, I know that I can continue on the next day and learn why that happened. Experiences will be second nature to me and I will be able to think of them easier as the year go on.

Right now, I have a hard time figuring out of any experiences but I know that in January this is all about experiencing how to feel more sustainable, happiness and joy in my life. Since this is the half way mark of January, I can say, all three have been amazing. I am actually feeling happier in my life because I am looking for looking items that make me want to move on with the day.

Going forward as I get into bigger experiences, I will have to take them slower. Slower means taking the experience fully in and actually explain why I am doing that. I need to not rush the good stuff in life as that will pass me by like a truck full of food on a highway.

Overall, this year is about sustainable experiences that I can take in slowly and change my life perspective.

Day #15 Using My Other Hand

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Wed, 16 Jan 2019 02:28:00 +0000

Today was a strange day as I woke up thinking about this topic and made me think back to all the times I had ever had this in my mind.

I have been trying to use my left hand more with everything I do, trying to change my dominate hand from right to left. Today, I was thinking, I really do use my non-dominate hand more often then I use to. I injured my thumb the other day, and today, I was really feeling the pain. I tried to change to my dominate hand and this was so hard for me, and felt so weird.

Looking back, the only time I really remembered using my left hand was dealing playing cards. Yet, I am now seeing all the time when I use my non-dominate hand without me even noticing. This can be from opening packages to pouring soy beverage to many other places. Yet, the big one, I haven't mastered is writing which is very hard to do with your non-dominate hand.

Going forward, I am going to try even more including writing with my non-dominate hand. When you are using your non-dominate hand, you are using more brain power and different skills. To make this a SMART goal, I am going to try use my dominate hand in one place that I actually notice everyday. This is doable when I make sure to write down every time I use my non-dominate hand that I notice, and go more into details when I do the once a day full on push my left hand.

This leads me into my hobbies and how I can use my left hand in each of these tasks. The first one is juggling which is not something I do everyday but I want to get back into, and I can try to start to juggling with balls in my left hand. The second one is sign language and try to do signing with my left hand but I have to do more research if there are signs that need you to use one hand over the other.

Overall, using my left hand has made me happier than most days. Finally, pushing myself hard on something that I have been thinking about for years is great. As I get more into 2019, I have hope the big items in my life that have been around for years will be turning a corner as I solve major parts of them.

Day #14 Body Hair Phobia

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Tue, 15 Jan 2019 02:26:00 +0000

Today's post is going to be a bit icky and weird for some people.

I have always thought that body hair made me look more male and not having body hair would make me more female. This is why, I grow my facial hair out some of the time. Yet, in society, people grow body hair all the time, and this has nothing to do with gender.

With that said, my gender dysphoria has played mind games with me. I feel that living in a place where you are told your whole life that this is the way male and female's look, that view gets stuck in your head. For me, I need to rethink that everything is black and white when really thinks can be multicoloured everywhere.

As I think about my views, I have never really liked body hair on myself. The whole idea makes me want to shave all of my body hair off this second but I know people around me would totally never understand. For me, I have to break out of the listening to everyone else first box, and put myself first.

When I start to put myself first, I believe the true me will come over and shine. There are many people who have gender dysphoria and/or body hair phobia but still come out on top of those. As I look at both, I know, I will be able to be more outgoing and shine as a person if I was able to appear the way I wanted to.

I shouldn't be afraid of body hair as this is natural which everyone has. What I am more afraid of is how I appear to myself and that is scary everyday but I still get up and do what I have to do.

Day #12 Travelling via Go Train

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Sun, 13 Jan 2019 04:59:00 +0000

Today was an amazing day of feeling happy because I got to experience something, I have never done in my whole life. I have done most iconic things that have been around since I was born in Toronto. There is so many tourist and non-tourist items that people say you should do at least once, and I have done most of them. A lot of them are done via public school because they are learning adventures.

Yet, there was still one thing that I hadn't done even and that was weird for me being that I lived here for so long. Here in Ontario, we have multiple ways for people to get from city to city like most places around the world. People can drive a car, take a bus via Go Transit or local city buses, take a bicycle, take VIA Rail, take Greyhound. There is also one more option that is taking trains via GO Transit which I have never done in my life. I have taken Go Buses but never GO Trains which are totally different.

I felt so out of place taking a train via GO and that the reason being is this was my first and there is also quiet areas on the train where you have to be as quiet as you can be. I haven't been in those areas before but I heard they are really nice if you are going a really long distance. I was sitting somewhere which was near the opening and closing of the doors and that was too cold. There were also some people and didn't want to sit too near them. When a lot of people emptied out of the train, I went up one floor to sit there and had a good time.

I really like the train because you get to see various parts of the cities you are travelling through in different ways. You also are travelling much faster but the stations themselves are not too many which makes this hard to get to. I also like that the train is much quieter on the weekend and made me go to sleep on the way back in which I thought I missed my stop but I didn't.

Would I like to travel this again? Compared to Toronto's transit system that can be loud and annoying any time of the day, I would say yes. There are so many pluses that make this so much better.

Are there any downsides? The only one downside is that the train costs way more then other ways of getting around in Toronto. Yet, this is quite cheap and fast if you are going between similar cities.

People should try to travel by GO Train at least once in their life to experience the joy.

Please comment down how you travel between cities where you are from and what are the upsides.

Day #11 Overcoming Morning Fear

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Sat, 12 Jan 2019 02:03:00 +0000

I know most of my recent days have been able small changes and this is where I am at in my life. I am really happy because small changes lead to bigger ones. In my experience, everyday is a change even if I do nothing.

Today was a really awakening as I overcame the fear of my life falling apart and really not turning out anywhere good. I felt since I hadn't done anything life changing since the beginning of 2019, I would fail the rest of the year. The problem is I do this every year and turns out that I am right and gets even worse as the years go on.

I was actually able to wash away the fear when I was thinking how much I had already done this year. I was also thinking, I can't let this year turn into another bad time, when there is so much left to explore. Even if things go down, I need to pick myself up and continue to move forward and conquer life to my fullest potential.

Am I suppose to have fear that something will go wrong in my life? I believe successful people don't worry about the fear and when they find a bump in the road, they find a way to bust that bump and continue to move forward. Having fear is fine but you have to be able to overcome that to get to the better person you want to be.

What do you have a fear of? As I explained above that my year will be bad again. With that, I have learned today that I am more handicapped by my life then I thought I was.

Fear is actually a motivation that people use to get over life problems. This is why people do 100 days of fearless or bucket lists or travel the world or step out of their comfortable zone. All of these are to challenge themselves a bit more and experience new things. People want to not be in the same box all the time. When kids are young, they can't do anything for themselves but parents push them to overcome fear and step out of their comfortable zone all the time.

My challenge to anyone who reads this is to do overcome one fear in the next day. Let a comment below with what fear you overcame and how that went for you.

Day #10 Saying Firm NO!

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Fri, 11 Jan 2019 04:08:00 +0000

This experience today was a hard one and always is hard when sometime goes against everything you have been doing your whole life. Changing your mind upside down is not something that is normal to humans. There is always a way that we put doubt in our mind which stops us from really stepping out of boundaries.

Today was a strange one for me as almost always I say yes even if I want to say something else. The reason, I do that is I don't want to disappoint people. I actually was able to say no in three different ways today and they were hard no's. The last no was a very hard no because the other person I was talking to, was saying a soft no but we can get in touch with other people and groups still and I said, no we can't do this. This made me happy to put a project that could have been heavy aside to work on things that are more important.

To say no actually is good when I really don't feel you really don't feel up to the work. Yet, all our lives when I was little was about saying yes and making everyone else happy. Never, was I taught that you can say a soft no in many different words. I feel parents get upset when they hear the word no because they feel what they are saying is right and their kids need to listen to them. If kids say no, this means you are not really teaching them the right words to use or pushing too hard with something they might not want or need to do. Kids will learn to do whatever you are trying to teach them if you try different ways.

The second big no, I said today was not a no as I know they will not understand. Someone say will you should do this, and was pushing rock hard to get me to say yes because they felt for one reason only, this would be good for me. The person even said, this is not too hard and you will learn everything in a snap. I, even said, I use the same argument when I help them with computers, and they didn't seem to realize that is true. The only way, the whole discussion ended was the other person listening to this had to say I listened to both sides and this is the reasons on both sides. I said, I understand but this other person didn't, they just went on about if not this than what. The suggestion was do this other thing, and I didn't say that is super stressful for me as I knew they would say, well then what else????

Overall, our minds are set to say yes for a lot of our lives, and only when we break out of that, do we really understand what is going on. We feel a hard NO is a bad thing and will hard most people's feelings. Yet, we can't always go around making everyone else feel good without really putting love into ourselves.

Day #9 Inspired By Friend

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 01:09:00 +0000

If you read my post about quitting online therapy, you will know that friends have been pushing and helping me to be the better me. I know that people need to work out a lot of challenges in your life on your own but for me, being involved with others has really made me feel better and happier.

To give a bit of background on my new experiences for 2019, I know these are suppose to build to bigger experiences but I am keeping them small now so I can slowly build over the year and not rush to get everything done all at one time. I use to say and do many times in the past that I need to get this and that done right away, right now but now I am taking the slower route.

The last sentence came to light for me when I was talking to my inspiring friend. A bit of background, I never thought, I would have someone who inspires me to push myself hard and really help me out to the extent of saying you need a survival plan, to seriously get your life in order and is brave enough to talk about my appearance issues with me. You will say, you had a therapist and were able to openly talk to them about your life. Yes, this is true but my therapist was helping me on my big issues and this is isn't a back and forth conversation, where I learn about their life too. With friends, you can learn about their lives and talk about your own too.

To go further on that, the friend is able to show their raw self and try to help people like this is second nature. For one, the stories about how they have helped people in situations that would make most people feel really uncomfortable, is super inspiring. Second, this person is really challenging themselves in different ways, and pushing their own boundaries. With both of these, I personally feel happy and really energized to move further in my own survival plans.

In the past, there were many topics in my life that I don't speak about ever such as sexuality, drugs, and so much more. My parents and the schools never talked about them which was a failure of society. I still am not comfortable talking about them but I do understand more then I use to. How does this related to my friend? Whenever, I say something that is not quite right, my friend is able to pick up on that right away and tell me that I might not have all the knowledge on the subject that I need. They also try to explain the topic to me from their perspective, which is really good as I can ask any questions I want to.

One of the failures of my growing up was, if my parents didn't know about a topic or felt something wasn't needed, they wouldn't push us to learn. The two prime examples are the ones I listed above plus being able to talk about my feeling. I had to learn as I went along with many topics on my own which was super hard and scary. Having my friend is helping me along the way is a gem. I can ask them the hard questions and they will not deflect the question like my parents would do or say nothing.

Overall, the reason, I find my friend inspiring is they are pushing me to do more and learn about society, my life and the people around me. Also, I am inspired by what they are doing with their life and how they help so many people.

Day #8 Being the Happiest Ever

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 04:22:00 +0000

Today, I am writing about the new experience of feeling the happiest ever in my life. I didn't realize the feeling until I got to sit down and look at some really cute cat photos and said today was the best time I have had ever.

The sayings of what makes happy people, gets me to smile. Following this formula will help me make my days better and really shine a light on positivity.

The first part of the day was about going to a rally and march in the rain which was fun. I have got to them before in the cold, rain and snow. Yet, this was different because the energy was very raw and made me feel energized to be there. This was the first time, I had felt, we were affecting change and really pushing the right buttons. This was a rally about Indigenous Solidarity in another part of the country with Indigenous people leading the whole event start to finish. Even, the march made me happy and at the end, I thought in my head, I should be dancing in the middle as they do a round dance. Also all the people I know from volunteering had a good effect on me.

The second part of my day was about facilitating a group in a good meeting. We were able to get down to action with many parts and move through all items. With that talking and listening to various people was great. I got to listen so much that was happening that I hadn't in awhile.

The last part was as I said was the cat photos that made my day and showed me what fun really is. I felt free to express my happiness and joy out in public for the first time. I am normally not happy most days, but today a switch went off and I had tons of fun.

I hope this is the start of me being happy more often and allowing me to show that in public. You never know what can happen when you try to have new experiences everyday.

Day #7 Starting New Podcast

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Tue, 08 Jan 2019 04:11:00 +0000

For Day #7, I have started a new podcast, which I have always wanted to do but got scared most of the time because of my communications and confidence skills. Last year, I was talking to my therapist and out of nowhere, they said, why not do a podcast as a way to improve your communication skills. I said, that is a great idea as I have been thinking about this for awhile. I don't normally come to the same conclusion as my doctors or therapists do but this one was very helpful.

Onto the podcast, since this is the first episode, I am only doing an intro. The topics of the podcast is climate action and veganism which go hand and hand. I will not talk about both at the same time but for each climate action, I will talk at the end on how veganism works with that action.

Background on the podcast, I have been volunteering for climate groups for almost 15 years and have learned lots about climate action. With that knowledge, I have some insight on what will be some useful actions to take. On the other side, I started on the vegan path, almost 12 years ago this February 2019. Even after that time, I don't know enough about veganism but this is a life long learning experience.

This is still a work in progress so I don't have a name for the podcast. If you have one please comment below and let me know. Also please ask any questions, or thoughts you have too.

Day #6 Finished First Book of 2019

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Sun, 06 Jan 2019 20:35:00 +0000

I missed Day #5 as I didn't have any new experiences yesterday. The first miss of 2019, is a learning experience and will teach me to figure out more in advance of what new experiences I want to do each day.

On today's experience, I am wanting to read at least 52 books this year, and I finished my first one called Turtles All the Way Down by John Green. The book is about a high school who has mental health problems around thinking that every physical interaction is going to cause her to get micro organisms to invade the body and kill her over time. She also is mostly stuck in her head and not really good at communication which causes her to not want to be involved with people on the physical level or understand what is going on in people's lives. The sub plot is her best friend and her, learn about the disappearance of an old friend of the main character and the reward money.

I really enjoyed the book with the plot about mental health as this relates to my own mental health issues that I have been doing with for many many years. I can relate to the main character as I am always stuck in my head and trying to figure out the situation before interacting. Along with that, I am always behind in the conversation whenever I am talking in a group conversation face to face.

The main issue I have around mental health was back after high school, I was diagnosed with depression which comes up every now and then but not regularly. I have learned over the years, if I start to feel that depression is coming up, I need to rethink my whole life and try to change this in some big way.

The second part, stuck in my head might be that I am not around enough different people. This does cause me to be alone for most of my days which makes me feel lonely. I do have people, I hang out with here and there but with people are always busy and is not easy to have friends who are available to hang out with. I am hoping that this year, 2019, can really pushing me to do new experience with different groups of people. If this is able to happen, I might not be in my head as often.

The third part, communications skills which are really rough around the edges. I have never been a really social person so throughout the years, I have had to learn by doing to interact with people. This has not always gone well as I have seen many times with friendships going south or people leaving groups, or people getting frustrated with the way I communicate. There are many other problems with my communication, I don't even know are wrong.

With all of that said, the book really got me to explore my own mental health issues through someone else. I really thought that was the best part of the book. Putting mental health as the focus was great as the issue even in this day and age, isn't talked about enough. People still go through the issues of mental health without support from anyone in their lives.

Overall, in my own experience, my parents did help me when I was first diagnosis with depression to see doctors. Yet, none of what I went through with the drugs helped me. I did do therapy which was super helpful. Since, I have done the drugs and therapy work, my parents have said "I see no improvement in you", so they never saw therapy or other non-drug ways as helpful. I have had to navigate my own mental health journey throughout the years which has been super hard and complicated.

Please write in the comments, what methods have helped you through your mental health journey?

Day #4 Quitting Therapy on My Terms

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Sat, 05 Jan 2019 02:44:00 +0000

This past year since I was fired/not fired from my job has really shaken me to the core and put me in my place. Over that time, I have been doing online therapy called talkspace which has helped me in many ways. I have been shown how badly, I can do everything in my life. Some of what therapy showed me this time around was the same that real life therapy showed me when I was much younger. Yet, when I was younger, I didn't act on the therapy actions that materialized. Yet, the overall experience was amazing and I learned so much.

Now, today's experience was coming to the realization that I am quitting therapy on my own terms right now. The reason being, I have a plan of action on how to move forward which needs to be executed in 2019 to make my life better. I also saw, most of what we were talking about were going around in circles. I need to break out of those circles of me thinking about the past and not being in the present moment.

You are saying, why quit therapy at all? Therapy was working and helping you improve your life? Can you not talk about different parts of my affected life? Well, therapy was helping me tons and making me go further, faster but therapy isn't the be all end all. I mean, I could continue on therapy forever, which some people do, yet at some point, I have to realize that I need to figure out my life on my own.

The other big reason is that I have a group of friends that are really pushing and helping me to be the better me. They are also letting me be me, yet they are also listening to what I say, and giving me straight up feedback. I haven't had these kind of people in my life ever but over the past year, I have grown to understand that these group of friends make me feel more alive than ever before.

Can friends always help in a way that better your life? Not always. I have a group of friends from volunteering and they are good people but checking in from their busy lives is hard. This is why, friends don't always help you make your life better but as I said above they can.

Will I ever go back to therapy? Who knows, at the moment, no because I need to actively work on my plan and get those sorted out before I can even think of what comes next in my life.

Day #3 Email One of My Heros

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 23:21:00 +0000

Day #3 was a downer but then I got the inspiration to email one of my hero's. I did a project years ago in early high school about a young kid that went around the world to try and stop child slavery and got all the media attention and even started an organization around the cause. This person is named Craig Kielburger and has been an inspiration to me ever since.

After I did the project, I looked into doing volunteering but really got involved after high school. I have been volunteering ever since. My volunteer work is in climate change but have done different areas here and there.

Below is the email I sent to Craig.

"Hello Craig,

I was in high school in Toronto, many years ago and did a project on your journey around the world against child slavery. Now I am 34 about to turn 35. I was so inspired by that project and what you did, that I looked into volunteering that same day. I have never forgot that project I did. Right after high school, I started to volunteer on climate change and have never stopped. All of this is, to say, I have been inspired by you.

With that being said, I would like advice on how to get the courage to be out there and really show myself in the world? There is so much going on in my life good and bad which has allowed me to hide my true self for the most part. How do you show your true self in everything you do?"

My next goal is to meet one of my hero's that has inspired me to really get life together and push forward.

The biggest highlight as a result of volunteer was a bike trip I organized with many other young people across Alberta from the very south to very north. This is on top of my volunteering in India for 3 months.

Book made about my bike trip in 2007.

Please comment below if you have or haven't got in touch with your hero('s).

Day #2 Alone and Fun???

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 03:48:00 +0000

I tend to value being around people, when I am out and about as the rest of my life is 95% on my own. This is why, the challenge today was to go somewhere alone but still have fun.

For Day #2, I went to the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO) on my own, on a evening which was free, which could have gone sideways. As with most things I do alone, I am quite quick and try to do things fast and get out there. I set the goal of being out of the AGO by 8pm and was able to see all the art, I wanted to in less than an hour.

You say, how can someone go through an art gallery, as big as the AGO which has two floors and art on almost everywhere the eye can see and not see, in less than an hour. Well, I tend to look at the art quickly and stop at the ones I find the most fascinating but I don't stay for long as I tend to get a vibe and the art pieces fast. The only ones, I really stay around for longer are the abstract pieces, secret they are my fav.

The other pieces, I really enjoyed were the Indigenous ones that really were telling a story and made me feel alive. There were pieces from all across Canada, and made me think of people I know from the various areas. The best piece was the Water for Life one which was glasses filled with water on a table. The others, were the ones from Northern Canada.

As I was walking around, I saw there was a special exhibit going on. I walked around for at least 10 minutes in the area of the special exhibit when finally, my body agreed with my head to go see the pieces. I paid the money, and went in to the exhibit about the environment called Anthropocene. The exhibit is done by trio of photographer Edward Burtynsky and filmmakers Jennifer Baichwal and Nicholas de Pencier, which showcases changes humans have made to the Earth’s systems. There was so much beauty and art from many parts of the world. Every piece made me think differently about the world and reminded me what I am fighting for in my volunteer/paid work on climate change. Below is the piece that really brought this home for me. There were many pieces that showcased how our dependence on natural resources like oil, trees, plastic etc is making humans change the world in ways never before seen.

A photo from Vancouver Island in Canada

Overall, my experience at the AGO went even better than I thought this would. I had fun seeing all the different art and how every piece made me feel differently about myself and the world. Some of the art made me think about how I do my own art including that one small change could make the art totally different. I also felt that the medium I use can always change, yet still bring my vision out in the art.

Would I do this again??? In a heartbeat as going somewhere alone but packed with people makes me feel happy.

Day #1 Failure or Bold Start???

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Tue, 01 Jan 2019 23:50:00 +0000

This is day #1 of my year of new experiences throughout 2019. Everyday, I am going to post a new experience that I have, and make sure this is building up towards bigger experiences that will change the course of my life. I have many small + big goals but you have to follow me through this blog in 2019 to see them unfold.

In the first day of 2019, January 1st, I started to think, this year is starting off to a failure and this is how every year starts off for me, which means the rest of the year will be a failure. Well, then I get a feeling, why not go back to my tried and true method of what I enjoy doing when I am bored or have nothing else to do.

I have shown my art before here and see all my art on DeviantArt. Art makes me feel happy as I am putting my feelings down on paper. As I mentioned before, my art has a sense of proud and helped me through my therapy. Drawing what is in my mind, helps me see the world in a different way and allows me to tell people what I am feeling without having to talk, which I am not the best at. Along with that, art helps me focus my energy into new and creative ways to think about my life.

To get this off the new experience challenge off the ground, I did one art piece using oil pastels today. People have been saying to me for years, I need to explore my art by using different mediums and being creative by what I see in the world. Below you will see the piece, and I hope you can comment what you feel.

10 Things to be Happy About in 2019

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Mon, 31 Dec 2018 22:20:00 +0000

Since starting this blog again, I have been super happy and that has allowed me to create this blog post to say what are the 10 things to be happy about going into 2019.

Experiences - Smiling
People
Veganism
Appearance Changes - Femme Fashion
Switching Jobs
Sign Language
Moving Out
Exercise
Dancing
Climate Action

All of these above, make me feel really happy. Thinking about anyone of them, makes me smile more and get up and jump around. If you ever want to make me smile, talking about one of these topics, will bring me joy.

The quote is exactly why I wrote the list above. To make me understand the beautiful reasons to be happy. Every single happy thought is going through my brain right now, and I can't stop the impulse of doing something fun.

What is your happy list?

Feelings in Winter

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Sat, 29 Dec 2018 13:52:00 +0000

Well, most people feel really blah in the winter, there has been a lot of joy in my life that I have been pushing forward on. Today is one of these days that really pushed me to be happier and have joy in my life.

I started off the day by waking up from a great sleep that made me feel alive. I can't say what happened in my sleep as I didn't monitor this closely enough to know. Yet, waking up feeling fresh, having joy, happiness and really ready for the day made me smile.

After waking up, I looked at a some really good photos of people with different coloured hair, red lipstick and nice clothes. This made me feel once again wanting to change my appearance to femme, and really deck all out. I want different colour hair, red lipstick, and a variety of super cute clothes that will make me pop.

Once I had all the ideas in my mind, I did a different hairstyle, and took a photo of that.

This made me very happy as is the first time in awhile, I did something different with my hair and really enjoyed this.

The happiness and joy will continue throughout the day and help me get lots done today.

Starting down the road of 2019

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Thu, 27 Dec 2018 22:01:00 +0000

In 2018, I haven't had the best year, with family issues, work going south and not feeling myself in what I was doing. This has been hard to get moving in the way I wanted to in 2018. Everything has been sour, and really bummed out about life in general.

Yet, not all of 2018 was bad. I was able to meet new people who are great and really made me smile this year. With this, people give me compliments for knowing so much and being able to connect people together. The talents, I have is being a good listener and really focusing in on what people are saying and how to bring out the parts that will help.

I am closing out 2018, and looking forward to 2019. Starting 2019, I will be having at least one new experience everyday. In each experience, I will be documenting them on this blog and really making a point to get down to the details. If I miss a day, I will make sure that I continue on the next day. Yet, I will still blog everyday and make sure I document why I missed doing a new experience.

A bit of a background on the goal, I have always wanted to experience more but never really put this goal into writing. Putting this down in writing has made me feel happy and given me a sense of feeling proud. I have this saying in my head that goes "I know you can do this" and "trying is the first step to make this work out."

With the experience goal, the world around me is going to explode and really challenge me. Everyday, I will have to get out of my comfort zone and explore something new that I haven't done before. I can't do all the challenges inside my house so I will have to go outside and expand my horizon. Even small goals will work out but I will need them to jump start towards bigger goals or I will be learning very little through the year.

2019 is going to be a breakthrough year and I want the community to come along with me as I document everyday. I am calling this, "The year I challenged myself".

Cheese Sauce Recipe

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 22:32:00 +0000

I made cheese sauce after having a fun time at Bobbie Sue's in Toronto last Friday. This was a fun experience, and never knew that Vegan mac and Cheese can be done as well as this was. This was really good sauce and yummy tasting too with no hard bits. The place is a bit of a makeshift but we got to eat in the basement of the place which was unique for me.

I use the recipe from the Simple Vegan Blog which s really great for awesome vegan food. Below is the photo of my cheese sauce which came out really well. I just need a bigger blender container when I lots of items going in there. I wasn't able to use all the veggies but this was still great to make. My favourite part was using nooch was made me super happy as I have only ever bought that one other time.

My next adventure is trying to find other unique places that have vegan versions of food I liked as a kid. I want to also explore vegan places across the city again. If you know of any places in Toronto that I need to visit, please comment below.

Close to Zero Waste

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Sun, 11 Nov 2018 00:20:00 +0000

My closet that is packed full of clothes, books and other junk.

I have been trying to downsize the amount of waste, I have in my life. For many many many years, I always feel, I need to get rid of all the junk that comes with every move I make. After awhile, you get use to getting more and more junk that you don't use but random items end up everywhere. Our society is that way, the bigger and more random items you have, the more others will think you are rich. The reason for that, is talking about money is a no no, and when you do, people run away saying "I don't want to talk about money."

Am I anywhere need zero waste and being called a zero waster? I can say, I have been close at various times but currently, not at all. The zero waster is someone who creates next to none or no waste that is truly waste which doesn't include recycling or composting. For sure, we all know that recycling is starting to becoming a taboo as very little is actually recycled in the world. We need to start to upcycle items as that will allow us to continue to use that item or parts of that item.

For myself, I have started again to downsize, and really get rid of everything that I am not using ever again. I am going to start this daily again as this will allow me to get to my end goal of getting to zero waste. The first two big items is getting rid of a dresser and clothes I don't use. Along with making a list of what I have and putting them into two boxes, what I need and what I could get rid of. Making the list, will make me happier and continue to push to reduce all my junk that I don't use.

If our society was into getting as close to zero waste as possible, this would help us reduce our environmental footprint. Yet, people have been brainwashed by companies to buy what they make and whatever packing that comes in. We, as a society, need to start to going back to the ways of our grandparents or how people lived 100 years ago. I know some people would say, they had less junk because there was less around them. This is true but we do need to live with less and start to show that we care about the environment and nature around us more.

For me, I care that I am leaving a planet that has so many problems for my and the next generation to solve. Many of them, can be solved if we create less junk and waste in the first place. If we were more sustainable in our choices this would help us leave a better world for people who will come next. My generation has to deal with the climate crisis and making a more sustainable world for everyone.

The challenge for me is to focus on where I can reduce junk like clothes, oversized or small items, and in general plastic, where I don't use them.

Gender Dysphoria Headaches!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Thu, 08 Nov 2018 17:36:00 +0000

I am getting these headaches reacted to my gender dysphoria if I see some cute outfits I really want to wear. This has been happening everyday for awhile and I don't know how to move forward with any of these headaches. The most logical want to move forward would be to buy clothes that would make me feel comfortable and try them on at my place of residence. I know that is not possible where I live at the moment, and living in a city that has a high housing market even if the number do come down, there is a not a chance yet for me to move out of my current place.

With all of that said, I feel that for the last number of years, I have been thinking about moving into an appearance and clothes that suits what I think of myself inside. The problem, I feel each time is that my family, and culture are the biggest in saying, you can't do this, and if you do, you will be shamed. I already hear that because you were born male, you can't have long hair, and this has been how my family thinks of me ever since I was young. I am trying to keep my hair long even as my family says no.

Has there been people outside of my family that I have said things that I disagree with yes. Some of said, I don't understand your name, was this a name your parents gave you, that is a girl's name and you are male from what I see, are you going to change the clothes you wear right now, this has been so many years why haven't you can't yourself to reflect your name??? All of these are really a small snapshot of what society feels about me. Will this get larger if I don't look 100% the way society wants me to when and if I change my full appearance, yes for sure. Am I scared? I am more scared for others because I haven't really put myself first in my life in many many years.

Along with that, I have made one push forward in my life, which is my name, unofficially, I have changed my name which made me happy when I first changed. Now that, I have had the name for many years, I am wanting to make other changes, which are bigger. I have done all the research, I need to do, just need to take the steps to make them happen. I don't know when I will be able to do any of this, if ever.

The kind of changes I would like to do that are non surgical are, going on HRT, having private parts that are not male, having little to no hair on my body, wearing skirts, cute tops, and shoes that are colourful. I also want to be able to make sure that I look pretty and really focus on my health. I am not in bad health in any shape or form, the only thing is that I see no reason to get in top shape when I look the way I do now. Is there anyway, I can improve my appearance now, yes, many ways but I keep trying and failing at each and every step.

Last, the amount of times, I lose sleep over this has been scary. I don't want to be who I am, and I can relate that to back to when I was a teenager. I have also even wanted to cut some parts of myself off. I feel if I have had known early in my life, this might have gone smoother but I will never know.

Now that I am almost crying, I leave you with the call to action "To support everyone who has dysphoria of any type, they need you more than ever in this world."

Getting Life Organized

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Mon, 05 Nov 2018 20:37:00 +0000

I have been trying to get my life organized as I mention in an earlier post around schedule and budget. Yet, I am also trying to get a job, get some communication sorted out, have some self care time, and figure out housing situation. All of which for me has not been easier or great for the last couple of years. For me, every year seems to be the same as I try to improve everything I mentioned, I end up back in the same place.

With all of this, this year and more in the past couple of weeks, I have been watching many YouTube videos about organizing life, saving money, and getting the most out of life. I have learned so much that I am full of new ideas to get my life sorted and organized.

Moving forward, I am looking a job that is enjoyable and I can do well in. I have had many jobs in IT, as a freelancer, and in the environmental sector plus many others. Each one does come with challenges and good highlights. Yet, I am not able to stay in the jobs for more than 6 months which is because of various different reasons. This is why, I am trying to find a job where I can stay at least a year. For my generation, a lot of our jobs have been called precarious work as most jobs in our life are not stable and for the long-term.

A skill, I need to get a job is communications which has been up and down in my life. Lately, I have been really enjoying sorting out how to talk to people better. This has really been making me feel happier and turn my thoughts into pillows of good. Over the years, I have tried to do the class lessons to speak better, getting involved in volunteering and giving speeches, and my normal routine which has helped me. The piece, I am still learning is how to communicate one-on-one, and deal with eye contact.

Talking about jobs and communications is very tiring which leads me to self care. I did talk about book clubs, I am apart of that is helping me learn. I am also trying to do meditation, yoga, and other exercise as well. As with everything, I wish I could get outside more and do some hiking, biking etc but I never prioritize these ever. The weather has also placed with this where this is too hot or too cold or too rain etc, and my mind can't handle all of that.

Last, my situation with housing has been changing over the year. Yet, I do wish I could have a place that is more long-term without having to move back to my parents. I have lived away from my parents place a number of times in my life but they are never a long-term solution. This is why, I need a situation that will be long-term and be able to get more out of the place.

As you can see, most of what I want to get out of organizing my life is to get a longer term figured out. The short term is what I am doing now but whenever I get them sorted out, the longer picture gets thrown out the window. I need two streams, short and long term pictures to make sure that I am doing both at the same time.

Challenge: Make sure, I have setup two streams of short and long term pictures.

Saving Money to Retire Early

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Sun, 04 Nov 2018 15:12:00 +0000

I watched this video on PBS NewsHour that talks about young people who are saving and retiring early. They are trying to retire by the time they are 30 or in their 30s. To do this, they have are saving a large amount of their income, some are saving 50% to 70% or even more, by changing how they do everything in their lives.

One person who has done this is called Mr. Money Mustache, who has started to build co-working spaces where instead of just having a group of people come work at the space, you can also learn about various ways to save money, make more, and network with others. This is about living the fullest with less and doing this on your own time.

I have always thought that retiring early is great. Yet, in our capitalist society, we have to work forever to get enough money to pay for things even if we don't need them. The whole concept of capitalism is growth forever and don't stop until you have too much, whatever that is in your mind. Once, you have too much, you are able to give money away in whatever form you feel that helps keeps your conscious healthy.

In my life, do I feel, I will ever have enough money to live off of forever, I don't think so unless, I start to change a few things in my life. The part about saving money, I can do that very well, and can save more money than anyone I know currently. The next part about making money, that is where I fail. I haven't been able to bring in enough money to actual live a good life, that be food, shelter, and clothes. I know there is more I need in society besides them but those are the three basics you need first.

The reason, I can't be out there on my own is the city I live in, is very expensive and every year, the costs of everything in the city goes up up up. There are many people who are leaving the city to live elsewhere because of costs society puts on us, and making a better life elsewhere. Do they want to come back, some for sure. On the other hand, there are people like myself, who might want to leave but can't because we make far too little money to move elsewhere. With that, our jobs are here, and we can't pick them up and take them to another place to live.

With that said, there are tons of experiments and challenges people do, to save more money. Do they work for everyone, no but learning from them and applying some of them will help, you save in the end.

Some examples:

Use transit or bike instead of a car
Find friends or people who are giving away food for free
Don't use a washer or dryer
Don't eat out, instead invite people to your house or visit them
Enjoy what is around you instead of vacationing far away

There are many more tips that will save you even more but there are just 5 that can work for anyone.

All in all, many people in our society are saving tons of money and retiring early. To learn from that, we could all be reviewing the money coming in and going out to see how we could be saving more.

Please put in the comments, how you save money to live life to the fullest.

Book Clubs

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Thu, 01 Nov 2018 20:17:00 +0000

I have been wanting to get involved in book clubs over the years but with me being busy and focused on other things I never got involved. Recently, I joined a bunch of different communities, and they said, "We used to have book clubs, and we can start this again" or "We have a book club, you can join." I am amazed communities have these, and have started to get seriously involved. I really like reading books but don't do this enough as other thing take over my life. Yet, I feel now is the time to get involved in them.

One of the book club has evolved into a media club where not just books will be read but this might include, articles, podcasts, films, and others. This is interesting as this one is about one topic specifically but still can include a wide range. I am all into learning and that is what book and media clubs are all about. To expand our horizon, and be educated in a different way than normal education does for most of us.

I haven't even read my whole book collection yet either so I am going to try to do all the reading, watching and listening people ask of me but also pop in my own books too. I know this is a challenge but challenges are good to have and knowledge is key in this society. The more we learn, the better we can be in society.

If people want to follow along in the book and media clubs, I can post updates here as we finish them. Do let me know in the comments below as that will be helpful.

As for the book, I need to finish right now that is This Changes Everything. I am going to finish all the books, I have by the end of year, which I am sure will be fun.

Changing My Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Wed, 31 Oct 2018 22:01:00 +0000

I always go through having good and bad days with my thoughts like everyone else in society. Yet, I can tell the whole world about my life, even if they didn't ask me which is something I have been trying to change this year and in the last few months has been better. When my life used to go downhill, I try and find someone to vet to and felt like that was the way that was best for me. Nowadays, I am trying to put everything down on paper or on the computer which allows me to search through my own thoughts.

With that been said, I am trying to change my thoughts from putting out "You didn't put an effect into going through the steps we talked about" and now, I am saying "We should email this and that person and go through steps to get these items approved before we put this online." My thought process has changed to really focus on putting a positive message out there instead of feeling like many people are against me when this is not true.

Along with the new thoughts, I am focusing on me after a number of years of really trying to help others in volunteer movements, jobs, and family. In the past, others have pushed me to do things they wanted and my focus has been about making everyone else feel better and not myself. To move forward, I am going to do meditation, mindfulness, and start to journal to get my thoughts out. The big question is if this will help me, and I believe the answer is yes.

I have to start to put me first in my own life and not allow others to step in the way. Everyone, from family to people I volunteer with to friends, they all want me to do what they want and I haven't really been able to say "This is what I want in my life." When I bring this up with family, some of them say good while I know others don't believe I should be doing anything except for what is on their list for me. Every point in my life, people have said "You shouldn't do this as we know what is right for you." Actually for almost every single thing I have done in my life, this has helped me grow even if I failed at them.

Failing for me is good as this allows me to grow and really push myself onto the next path while training my thoughts to be more positive. I have failed this year, more than I have actually achieved, yet I know that what I did was for the better. Losing a job, having to be by family side, not reaching my goals, volunteering that made me cry, yelling at people and not feeling like I have been listened to, all have been the downsides of this year. All of these are good in the end as my mind has changed and really made me focus more on me.

On the positive side, in the last few months, I have grown a lot and understood what I need to do to take care of my life. I am trying to bring my thoughts into a very positive lens where everything works out for the better.

A challenge for the next 2 months is to always think positive and don't allow myself to go down the rabbit hole of bad thoughts.

Create a Schedule and Budgets

noreply@blogger.com (shawnkhan) — Tue, 30 Oct 2018 02:53:00 +0000

In the past, I have been able to get everything done that I needed to do in my non-personal life. Over the last few years, my personal life has been pushed to the wayside. To get around this, I have started to create a schedule that includes everything I need to get done in personal and non-personal. The schedule is in a notebook which helps me look at this more often than if this was on the computer. I am going to improve this every week as I dive deeper into the routines, I have setup, and really get hopping into the next steps.

Normally, when I create schedules, I don't follow these as everything gets messed up with meetings, and events plus people wanting me to do things right away or set times that are out of the blue. With this, I have started to stop going to meetings, events, and do things for people right away until other tasks are done and all the steps needed to get something done by other people. This will help me stay focused and not get out of step until I am done.

With a schedule, in the past, I have tried too create budgets. My record of budgets has been iffy as I don't track the money coming in and out that often. Yet, I don't really spend that much, and the money I make does tie me over for awhile because of that. Yet even with that, I should put everything in a budget as that will make me more aware of the items that I could cut out and what money I have left over. Budgets are suppose to get us in the habit of knowing where money is going and coming in and not suppose to be hard work. I am going to set some time to start a create a budget for what I have spent over 2018, and see if there is anywhere I can cut out items plus add in items that I will need down the road.

As with all budgets and schedules, I am not the best with keeping them up to date. This is why, I have moved over to using Trello and Google Calendar to make sure everything gets done. Will, this help me, time will tell as I focus more on my personal life.

My challenges over the next 2 months are to make sure, I go over all my lists, and get everything I wanted to do earlier in the year, at least started, if not done. Closer to the new year, I am going to have to start to create year long challenges for me.

If you have any challenges you want me to do, let me know in the comments below.