.

In my practice, I have witnessed clients make remarkably rapid changes using Brainspotting and Breathwork (similar to Holotropic Breathwork).

One client who had struggled with panic attacks for years experienced a dramatic reduction in anxiety after a single Brainspotting session focused on early childhood fear and hypervigilance.

Another client entered Breathwork carrying chronic emotional numbness following grief and trauma. During the session, long-suppressed sadness surfaced and processed through tears, trembling, and deep emotional release, followed by a profound sense of calm and reconnection to life.

A highly analytical client who had spent years intellectualizing emotions reported after Brainspotting, “For the first time, I felt the trauma leave my body instead of just talking about it.”

Others have reported sleeping better after one session, experiencing fewer trauma triggers, or discovering an unexpected sense of inner peace that traditional talk therapy had not produced despite years of effort.

Some clients come to therapy confused and ashamed because they erupt in uncontrollable anger. They later feel guilty and remorseful, yet in the moment they feel powerless to stop themselves. Why does this happen?

Why do some clients stay stuck for years?

From a neuroscience perspective, emotional reactions often occur when unconscious material becomes triggered. The brain’s survival system reacts long before the rational mind understands what is happening. A present-day event may unconsciously activate unresolved fear, rejection, humiliation, helplessness, or trauma from earlier experiences. When this occurs, the amygdala and autonomic nervous system can rapidly mobilize fight-flight responses. The thinking brain temporarily goes offline while emotional and survival circuitry takes over.

This is why many people later say, “I don’t know what came over me.” Their reaction was not simply about the current situation. It was amplified by unresolved material stored beneath conscious awareness. Until this unconscious activation is processed at the nervous system level, people may continue repeating emotional patterns they genuinely want to change.

How can rapid shifts occur when many people struggle with anxiety, trauma, or emotional reactivity for years?

The answer lies in understanding the difference between top-down and bottom-up therapy.

Most traditional psychotherapy is considered “top-down” therapy, commonly known as talk therapy.Top-down approaches primarily engage the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the analytical and reasoning part of the brain. Clients discuss thoughts, memories, relationships, and behaviors in an effort to gain insight and understanding. Talk therapy can be tremendously valuable for emotional support, self-awareness, and cognitive restructuring. However, insight alone does not always resolve anxiety, trauma, or nervous system dysregulation.

Why is talk therapy not enough?

The reason is neurological. Trauma is not stored only as conscious memory. Much of it is encoded in deeper brain structures such as the amygdala, limbic system, brainstem, autonomic nervous system, and body itself. A person may intellectually understand they are safe while their nervous system continues reacting as if danger is still present. This explains why someone can logically know they should not panic, rage, freeze, or shut down, yet their body reacts automatically anyway.

Bottom-up therapy works differently. Rather than beginning with thinking and analysis, it begins with the body, nervous system, emotions, sensations, and subcortical brain processes where trauma often lives. Bottom-up therapy accesses the systems generating anxiety and trauma responses rather than merely talking about them.

Brainspotting and Breathwork (similar to Holotropic Breathwork) are bottom-up therapies.

Brainspotting, developed by Dr. David Grand, is based on the principle that “where you look affects how you feel.” Specific eye positions appear connected to neural networks containing emotional and somatic experiences. During a Brainspotting session, the therapist helps the client locate an eye position associated with activation in the nervous system while the client mindfully observes internal sensations, emotions, and memories. This allows the brain and body to process unresolved trauma beneath conscious awareness.

Brainspotting accesses subcortical (unconscious) regions of the brain involved in survival responses and implicit memory. Unlike purely verbal therapies, it bypasses excessive cognitive processing and allows deeper emotional material to emerge and process organically. Emerging research suggests Brainspotting may reduce symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation similarly to EMDR while requiring less verbal processing.

Breathwork also works through bottom-up pathways. Conscious breathing patterns directly influence the autonomic nervous system, vagal tone, emotional regulation, and physiological arousal. More activating forms of Breathwork, similar to Holotropic Breathwork, can help clients access suppressed emotions, incomplete fight-flight responses, and stored trauma. Slower breath regulation practices calm sympathetic nervous system activation and promote safety and regulation within the body.

Research on breath-based interventions has demonstrated reductions in anxiety, stress, PTSD symptoms, and emotional dysregulation. Studies on Holotropic Breathwork have shown improvements in self-awareness, emotional processing, and psychological well-being. Researchers believe Breathwork alters nervous system functioning in ways that facilitate emotional integration and trauma resolution.

What generates such quick results for anxiety and trauma when some people struggle for years with these conditions?

The answer lies in the nervous system itself. Anxiety and trauma are often maintained by dysregulated survival responses operating below conscious thought. Traditional talk therapy attempts to reason with these responses through cognition and analysis. Bottom-up therapy accesses the systems actually producing the symptoms.

When clients stop over-analyzing and instead allow themselves to experience bodily sensations, emotions, nervous system activation, and internal awareness directly, the brain can reorganize itself more efficiently. This process often reduces hypervigilance, emotional reactivity, panic, dissociation, and chronic stress much faster than insight-oriented therapy alone.

Bottom-up therapy tends to work best for clients who are willing to move beyond excessive analytical processing. Highly intellectual clients sometimes remain stuck because they continually retreat into the prefrontal cortex, attempting to think their way out of trauma. While insight has value, trauma healing also requires embodied processing.

Clients who are willing to temporarily let go of constant analysis and instead become curious about their bodily experience often experience the greatest breakthroughs. This requires courage because it means feeling rather than merely explaining. Yet it is often through this embodied process that long-standing anxiety, trauma, and emotional reactivity begin to resolve.

Conclusion

Talk therapy certainly still has an important place in mental health treatment. Many clients benefit from emotional support, relational healing, and cognitive understanding. But for individuals whose nervous systems remain trapped in chronic survival states despite years of therapy, bottom-up approaches may provide access to healing that cognition alone cannot reach.

Bottom-up therapies such as Brainspotting and Breathwork address trauma where it actually lives: beneath words, beneath logic, and deep within the body and brain itself.

.

Related reading

How Brainspotting Works – Deep Healing Beyond Talk Therapy   SI.com – post the article and get the link.

Transforming the Inner Critic with Brainspotting & IFS

https://sensitiveintrovert.com/2024/05/transforming-the-inner-critic-with-brainspotting-ifs/

Why talk-therapy isn’t enough

https://sensitiveintrovert.com/2017/03/why-talk-therapy-isnt-enough/

Healing Hurtful Relationship Patterns with Breathwork: Josephine’s Story

https://sensitiveintrovert.com/2017/03/healing-abuse-with-breathwork/

Author

Benita A. Esposito, MA, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Georgia and a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in North Carolina. She specializes in working with adults and couples, especially highly sensitive introverts who are high-achievers.

Therapeutic tools most used: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Attachment Theory, Polyvagal Theory, Internal Family Systems, Brainspotting, Focused Mindfulness, Meditation and Relaxation Processes.

Specialties include (1) relationships (2) body-mind-spirit healing, (3) healing trauma and abuse, (4) transforming limiting blocks and (4) success skills.

Contact

To schedule a confidential counseling session for Couples Counseling or Individual Counseling, please use the “Contact Form” on this site.

www.Flourishing-Lives.com

www.SensitiveIntrovert.com

by Benita A. Esposito, M.A., LPC, LCMHC

.

My first mentor told me, “Conflict is a necessary part of intimacy.”

I did not want to hear that. I hated conflict—but his words rang true. I knew I was not skilled at conflict management, and because of that, many of my relationships did not thrive. That was 40 years ago.

I learned over time that avoiding conflict doesn’t protect love.

It slowly erodes it.

I have spent countless hours learning how to handle conflict productively. I have had the pleasure of being in a handful of relationships where conflict was managed well. In those relationships, I felt more present, more empowered, more loved, more loving, and more creative—and so did they. We experienced greater depth. There was more bonding, more trust, more comfort, and more confidence. Those relationships became a garden in which many flowers blossomed.

I have had the pleasure of being in a handful of relationships where everyone managed conflict well. I felt more present, more empowered, more loved, more loving and more creative, and so did they. We experienced more depth in our relationship. There was more bonding, more trust, more comfort and more confidence. Those relationships became a garden in which many flowers blossomed.

It takes work and courage to face conflict, but it is well worth it. Here are some of the most important things I have learned.

The 12 Keys to Conflict Management

1) I remind myself of the consequences of poor conflict management. Keeping these in mind motivates me to address conflict early and wisely, rather than letting pain accumulate. When I avoid conflict, stress increases and my body feels it. Relationships—both personal and professional—suffer. I may become snippy or withdraw.

I remember romances that slowly died as we stopped caring and went numb. Other times, conflict escalated and relationships ended in a fiery explosion. I see the impact of unresolved conflict in my clients’ lives: lost jobs, missed promotions, broken marriages, or relationships that remain intact but superficial because people fear rocking the boat. Families become estranged—or worse, violent. Sometimes anger turns inward, resulting in depression, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts. Poorly managed conflict causes real harm.

2) Conflict is not a bad thing. When I was younger, I believed conflict meant something was wrong in a relationship. It does not. When handled well, both people grow—and so does the relationship. This shift in perspective helped me tremendously.

3) I discipline myself to take responsibility for my own thoughts and emotions rather than blaming others. I speak for myself about myself, instead of making assumptions about my partner and treating them as truth. This is not always easy. Sometimes it takes minutes—or hours—for me to recognize when I am blaming. When I do, I shift back into responsibility.

4) I allow myself to be imperfect. Although I have studied conflict management for decades, I am not perfect—and that is OK. I have made many mistakes, and I have learned from all of them. Staying engaged is how I develop mastery.

5) I apologize when I blame someone unfairly or speak unkindly. I understand how deeply words can hurt. I have learned humility and how to set aside my pride.

6) I ask for forgiveness and listen openly to the response. I work to restore emotional connection so our hearts can reopen. I also practice forgiving others, remembering to see their Heart. Forgiveness is a daily practice.

7) I feel the fear and do it anyway. I do not enjoy confronting people, especially if I think it will create discomfort. But I remind myself that wisdom often calls for honest, tactful confrontation. Without it, relationships can slowly fade. I find the courage to say what needs to be said with love. Real intimacy requires staying engaged. I listen to guidance from God and my wise inner self.

8) I look inward to see if I am projecting unhealed emotional pain onto others. Sometimes I do not recognize it right away—but later I see it clearly. When that happens, I take responsibility and apologize. I am committed to healing so I can create healthy relationships.

9) I turn to God for insight and grounding in love. This helps calm my nervous system so I can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally. I may also rest, listen to soothing music, take a walk, talk with a trusted advisor, or sleep on it. Sometimes insight comes through a dream. In stillness, I am often shown a new perspective. I also ask God to deepen my spiritual connection so I do not rely entirely on others for fulfillment.

10) I practice empathy. I put myself in the other person’s shoes and look beneath the surface into their heart—their wounds, concerns, or longings. I extend compassion while maintaining healthy boundaries.

11) I invite close relationships to adopt a “no withholds” policy (not recommended in abusive relationships). A withhold occurs when we hide significant information or true feelings out of fear. When we withhold, we lose emotional intimacy—with ourselves and with others.

Withholds can take many forms: omission, white lies, or direct dishonesty. We manage others’ perceptions instead of showing up authentically. This creates self-deception and self-rejection, which eventually show up in our relationships. When we share vulnerably, we risk rejection—but often we have already abandoned ourselves first. Criticism from others stings more when we have already judged ourselves.

Without awareness, we project our pain onto others—blaming, lashing out, or feeling victimized. A no-withholds policy invites conscious participation in healing. We commit to showing up fully, receiving God’s love, and expressing our authentic selves—our gifts, love, and creativity.

12) I ask my partner, “How can I support you right now? What unmet need or unhealed wound is present?” When appropriate, I am willing to make agreements that support healing and growth. Sometimes, through empathy and presence, deep patterns shift. In those moments, I experience God’s grace restoring both of us to wholeness.

Conclusion

When we develop strong conflict management skills, our families become safe places where love can fully flourish. Our organizations grow with vitality and creativity. As we reduce conflict within ourselves, we also reduce it in the world. In doing so, we lessen anxiety and depression—both within and around us.

.

Author

Benita A. Esposito, MA, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Georgia and a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in North Carolina. I specialize in working with adults and couples, especially highly sensitive introverts who are high-achievers.

Therapeutic tools: I use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Attachment Theory, Polyvagal Theory, Internal Family Systems, and Brainspotting.

Benita co-hosted the show “Your Authentic Life” on Radio Sandy Springs, and was featured for her work with women and sexuality on CNN.

Specialties include (1) relationships (2) body-mind-spirit healing, (3) transforming limiting blocks and (4) success skills.

Contact

To schedule a confidential counseling session for Couples Counseling or Individual Counseling, please use the “Contact Form” on this site.

www.Flourishing-Lives.com

www.SensitiveIntrovert.com

Copyright 2009. All rights reserved The Esposito Institute, Inc.

“Conflict is a necessary part of intimacy. Resolve it when it first arises.”

~ Benita A. Esposito, MA, LPC, LCMHC

Saturday, January 3, 2026

s

This retreat is for you if you are a high achiever and …

• You’re a visionary.
• You aspire to create the most fulfilling life possible. There’s always another level of self-actualization.
• You value productivity.
• But, emotional reactivity or physical challenges slow you down.
• You procrastinate when you know you should face the hard issues.
• You work so much you don’t have enough time for your personal life.
• You wish your career were more meaningful and aligned with your core values.
• You wish you had more time for your relationships and fun.

I hear you. I’ve got you covered.

You will receive expert coaching to:

1. Learn a proven methodology to create a truly fulfilling life.
2. Stop comparing yourself to others. That only creates suffering.
3. Define your core values so your decisions naturally lead in the direction of your dreams.
4. Strengthen your spiritual connection.
5. Reduce your stress and enjoy greater physical & emotional well-being.
6. Pinpoint your unconscious self-sabotage strategies.
7. Manage fear and other reactive emotions that thwart productivity.
8. Increase your self-worth. Become your own best friend.
9. Enjoy more fulfilling relationships.
10. Be true to your Authentic Self.

“Benita provides a safe and compassionate place to explore the deepest parts of ourselves. She always brings me closer to God and who God created me to be.” – H.K., GA

My Promises to You 

If you do not know what is impacting you from an unconscious level, you cannot change it. My forte’ is spotting self-defeating patterns and streamlining your success. You’ll come away with insights you could not have predicted. You’ll find the passion to stay consistently engaged, propelling you toward your dreams.

Special benefit:

The high-level group consciousness and comradery help everyone accelerate their ability to accomplish their dreams. 

Why do I teach “How to be the creative force in your life?”

My mission is to raise the quality of life on the planet.  Humanity suffers from relationship dysfunction, abuse, depression, anxiety, alcoholism, obesity, and dis-ease. One of the main reasons for these conditions is that people do not know how to create a truly fulfilling life. Don’t waste your precious time, money, and energy. You only get one life. I want you to learn how to create true fulfillment and pass the knowledge on to your loved ones.  

According to research by Dr. Dean Ornish (a cardiologist), people who participate in support groups are far more likely to heal from life-threatening diseases and live longer. I don’t want you to wait until you have a crisis to learn how to manifest a truly fulfilling life. Consider how a powerful group led by an expert coach can benefit you.

“Benita can pinpoint the feeling at the core of every problem, and this sparks courage to delve deep inside. Benita has always been right when targeting the root of the matter. She is truly a gifted healer and coach. I have brought her personal problems from A to Z, and I’m astounded at how her approaches always work.” – L. B., GA

.

Who’s Invited

High-achieving adults who want to be empowered to be the conscious creative force in their lives and deepen their spiritual connection. This group is appropriate for highly sensitive people and others.

Location: Zoom from the comfort of your home

.

Retreat Format

The format is tailored to the needs of the participants. You’ll complete a questionnaire prior to the retreat which helps determine the agenda. We’ll have short lectures so you learn the keys to conscious creating. Guided meditations will help you tap into your spiritual wisdom. One person will be coached in front of the group while everyone learns vicariously followed by Q&A. We may do role-playing and break into small groups – whatever is necessary to help each person achieve their goals. This is a small group format with less than 12 people to help people feel emotionally safe and supported.

Followup monthly Conscious Creating Classes may be available to further your mastery. You’ll deepen your bonds with a highly supportive group. Please inquire about the monthly Conscious Creating Class dates by completing the contact page form.

Retreat Date: One Saturday January 3, 2026

10:00am – 3:00pm (Eastern) with a one-hour break. (7:00am-noon Pacific)

Retreat Tuition: $259.00

Affiliate Program: When you refer a friend who is not a client and they take the class, you will receive $25.00 off.

Pre-requisite:  The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz. Please buy your book now and start reading. It’s available on Amazon as a Kindle, audiobook and paperback for $10-14.

“Now, I realize that I am the only one holding me back. I am responsible for my schedule and finances. I don’t have to give up my desires, and that does not make me a selfish person. I can recognize when my plate is too full to add someone else’s portion. Not only have I been cleaning out my closet, but also my head and heart. I never knew how liberating forgiveness could be. – SP, GA

s

How to register: 

(1) Complete the questionnaire on the Contact Page and tell me you want to enroll in this retreat or Conscious Creating Class. I’ll contact you within 24 hours Monday-Thursday.

(2) If you live in the USA, make a payment to Benita-Esposito via Venmo. 

(3) If you live outside the USA, use PayPal. Ask me to send you an invoice, or make a payment to: Benita@EspositoInstitute.com. Phone: 770 998 6642

If you are a new client, please complete the form on the Contact Page and request a 10-minute interview to make sure this retreat or class is a good fit for you. 

x

“Benita always sees through the words that come out of my mouth to what I really want to say. She helps me clarify my truth and pinpoint my next steps. I love how Benita weaves in stories, quotes, metaphors, and visuals to help engage both sides of the brain. This makes the learning more interesting and effective.” – K.R., Canada

s

Do you want to attend, but you are concerned about money?

What did you discover? Most people realize that they have the money. They just need to get clear on their priorities.

Are you spending money congruently with your highest values? Are YOU worth it? Is creating a fulfilling life worth it? What will be the predictable consequences if you don’t get expert coaching? 

Adapt the following example to your expenditures. (We’ll do exercises similar to this in the class. This is a freebie for you.)

Money Savers Discovery Exercise

 Do your spending habits support your values and goals? 

x

“I loved the personalized attention Benita gave each of us. Her coaching is so impactful because it is Holy Spirit-driven. I discovered a core belief about myself that has been holding me back. I feel so much more free.” R.P., GA

s

Register now.

I look forward to seeing your eyes shine as you learn how to make your dreams come true! Complete the questionnaire on the Contact Page and tell me you want to join the Conscious Creating Class or Retreat.

.

No-hassle Refund Policy. If you decide that the retreat or class didn’t help you, you can receive a full refund within the first 30 days. No questions asked.

.

Facilitator

Benita A. Esposito earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology in 1976, and has four decades of experience helping people create fulfilling lives. She’s a psychotherapist, life coach, and spiritual counselor. Her bestselling book (a memoir with teaching stories) can be found on Amazon: The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Radiant Authentic Self.

www.Flourishing-Lives.com and www.SensitiveIntrovert.com..

Empathy is the emotional bridge that helps people feel seen, heard, loved, and understood. Empathy is not problem‑solving, fixing, or inserting your own feelings. When one partner shares a vulnerable emotion, and the other empathizes, they co-regulate. Their nervous systems calm and they feel more open to each other. When you empathize, you have no need to change your partner’s feelings. All emotions are OK. This does not mean that you need to accept hurtful behavior. It’s important to set boundaries for self-care. But, when you empathize first, often dysfunctional behaviors cease or soften. Your partner is more open to your requests for change.

What True Empathy Looks Like

Empathy vs. Compassion vs. Sympathy

How Empathy Is Received: The Nonverbal 93%

Research shows that communication is 93% nonverbal. Tone of voice, facial expression, and body posture convey most of what people feel. The words are only 7%.

When your nervous system is calm, it’s easier to express empathy. This calm state is called the *ventral vagal state* in Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory. In the ventral vagal state, your body is relaxed, your eyes are soft, your voice is warm, and your presence feels safe. 

This state helps your partner’s nervous system relax so they can soften instead of being defensive. They can better receive empathy and emotionally connect with you.

Checking for Received Empathy

After offering empathy, partners should ask: “Do you feel my empathy?” If the answer is no or mostly, the listener asks, “What would help you feel more understood on an emotional level?” Then offer deeper empathy until it lands. 

Closing Thoughts

Empathy is not just understanding your partner on a mental level. Your partner needs to feel felt by you and connected with you.

“Being present and connected is more important than fixing the problem.” –– Brene’ Brown

Empathy is a relational gift. When partners stay focused, attuned, and grounded in a calm ventral vagal state, they co-regulate. Their nervous systems feel safe and comfortable with each other so they co-create a secure emotional bond. With practice, empathy becomes the safe harbor where each partner feels deeply known and loved.

Recommended Resources

It’s Not About the Nail. Search YouTube for this title.

A humorous demonstration of why fixing a problem does not help your partner feel understood or empathized with.

Books on Empathy, Vulnerability & Connection

Brené Brown – Daring Greatly
Explores vulnerability, shame, and wholehearted connection.

Brené Brown – Atlas of the Heart
A map of emotions to deepen emotional literacy and empathy.

Marshall Rosenberg – Nonviolent Communication
A clear model for empathic communication and emotional presence.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Sue Johnson – Hold Me Tight
The foundational book on EFT and creating secure emotional bonds.

Sue Johnson – Love Sense
Explains the science of attachment and adult bonding.

Nervous System, Polyvagal, and Trauma Healing

Stephen Porges – The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory
A client-friendly overview of how safety and connection emerge in the nervous system.

Deb Dana – Anchored
Applies polyvagal concepts for everyday emotional regulation and connection.

Peter Levine – Healing Trauma
Introduces Somatic Experiencing to help people understand how the body holds stress.

About the Author

Benita A. Esposito, M.A. is a licensed professional counselor, spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister. Her bestselling book, The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert, can be found on Amazon. Benita spots psychological patterns to reach the bottom line quickly so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a body-based grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves rowing on her pristine mountain lake and hiking through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on her websites. 

To inquire about becoming a client, please complete the form on the Contact Page on either website: www.Flourishing-Lives.com or www.SensitiveIntrovert.com.

through Effective Communication

k

One day: Saturday, February 7, 2026. Zoom.

A Virtual Communication Skills Couples Workshop

.

This one-day live virtual workshop is designed for couples in a committed relationship who want to enhance their communication and conflict management skills. If you have a good relationship, it will become even stronger. You will gain practical tools to repair ruptures and restore a secure attachment with each other. The workshop is facilitated by a Licensed Professional Counselor with four decades of expertise.

During the “honeymoon phase”, couples relish the blissful dance of intertwined hearts. It’s a cherished delightful ecstatic experience.

As time moves on, conflicts arise. If not handled skillfully by both people, emotional wounds fester.

Unknowingly, one more brick gets added to an invisible wall if rifts are not repaired.

But, you don’t have to let that happen to you. You can do preventive education. You can learn how to create and sustain the flourishing relationship you’ve always wanted.

Couples who have been together for a while express the following concerns.

Do any of these apply to you? 

• I want to feel deeply bonded like we did in the beginning.
• One, or both of us, get too emotionally reactive.
• When my partner gets quiet and distant, I feel anxious.
• I hate feeling lonely and far apart.
• My partner doesn’t follow through on agreements.
• To avoid conflict, I do the chores and then feel resentful.
• I don’t want to say things I regret, but when I don’t speak up, pressure builds and then I erupt or withdraw.
• I hate conflict. Why can’t we just be happy?
• I don’t feel comfortable sharing vulnerable emotions with my partner.
• I feel hurt when my partner judges or criticizes me.
• I know I shouldn’t be critical, but it’s hard to stop myself sometimes.
• We used to have more fun together.
• Our lovemaking lacks emotional depth and connection.
• There’s been an affair, but we want to repair our marriage.

Rest assured, these issues can be prevented or eliminated with proper training.

You’ll learn about four decades of research by Dr. John Gottman on what makes masters and disasters of marriage.

We also draw from Dr. Sue Johnson’s evidence-based Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Both world-famous people with prestigious awards.

.

What kind of activities will we do?

You’ll enjoy a safe place to learn new skills under the guidance of an expert therapist who specializes in couple therapy.

This workshop will be customized to the needs of the participants. Feel free to tell me what you need.

Formats: short lectures, videos, songs, and demonstrations. You’ll practice skills as a couple. Then, you’ll be invited to share insights with the group and ask any questions.

• Practice communication skills, the backbone of a healthy relationship.
• Listen and empathize so you both feel understood and respected.
• Share from your heart in a way that draws your partner closer.
• Create win-win solutions while being true to your Authentic Self.
• Set aside defensiveness, blaming, criticism, contempt and stonewalling.
• Skillfully maneuver through anger, fear, and conflict avoidance.
• Apologize and forgive.
• Ask for what you need in a tactful, assertive manner.
• Turn toward your partner when they make requests or complain.
• Develop the courage to be vulnerable and transparent.
• Deepen your intimacy on all levels: body, mind and spirit.
• Generate win-win solutions with effective compromise tools.
• Understand your unique personalities, needs, and gifts.
• Apply the energy that was tied up in conflicts to create your fondest dreams.
• Your love will grow exponentially through a healthy friendship.

“We get through conflicts much quicker so they don’t damage our relationship.  As a result, we are more comfortable and confident in our relationship. Our future looks brighter than ever. Thank you, Benita!” – J.C., Writer/Editor/Trainer

Why I Facilitate Couples Communication Workshops and Marriage Retreats

Committed relationships are the backbone of a healthy society. Dysfunctional marriages pose one of the biggest challenges in this society. Divorce causes pain for the couple, their children and extended families. Emotional anguish makes it difficult to work. Stress increases illness. That’s why I am passionate about Couple Counseling. When a couple learns how to love well, the positive impact reaches into their children’s lives as well as their siblings, parents, friends, and workplaces. Healthy couples raise healthy children. Healthy adults become healthy leaders who generate a ripple effect for hundreds of people.

“Our marriage has shifted from constant struggles, tension, and unhappiness … to clear communication, compatibility, and fun. We will be grateful to you forever!” – J.H., Artist

.

Watch a preview of this couples workshop: Fostering Secure Attachment through Effective Communication.

Watch this TV interview. I talk about the four behaviors that Dr. Gottman says predict divorce with 94% accuracy. Scroll down on the webpage until you see the TV interview.

.

Many couples devote 90% of their time and energy to children, jobs and their extended family. No wonder they drift apart.

Some couples tolerate the distance in their marriage until the children graduate. Then, they face the daunting challenge of trying to leap over the Grand Canyon. It’s challenging to connect with each other again.

Unwittingly, some couples leave their marriage vulnerable for someone to come between them. I am not saying that affairs are right. I’m just saying it happens sometimes. You can prevent affairs. Wouldn’t it be better to talk about what has led to the distance and repair the relationship injuries so your marriage is safe and secure?

Distressed couples take vacations, hoping to get close again, but they don’t feel happy one month later. That’s exasperating. While vacations can be enjoyable, couples may not know how to repair the marriage at a deep enough level. As a result, even little things can set them off … the straw that broke the camel’s back.

The good news is that you can repair relationship injuries so that your hearts open again. You can prevent regrettable situations. You can learn relationship skills, just like you learn anything else.

Sometimes, weekly or biweekly counseling sessions are too slow. There’s only so much material we can cover in 50 minutes. It breaks my heart to see couples suffer. You can accelerate your progress in this intensive workshop.

.

–>  Click here to contact me to apply for this workshop.

Complete the application, and I’ll respond within 24-48 hours. Space is limited to 6 couples, so please register early.

.

“Benita has an uncanny ability to understand each of our unique personalities, and to help us build a bridge.”  N.A., Speech Pathologist

.

This is an educational format, not marriage counseling.

If you were taking a college course, you would attend class 2-3 times a week for 3-4 months. In addition, you would do several hours of homework every week.

If you want a bachelor’s degree to prepare you for a successful career, you would attend four years of college. Maybe more.  You would think nothing of it.

The skills needed to create a healthy marriage require at least one “college” course. If you want a superb relationship, you need a four-year degree. Plus, ongoing continuing education. You would expect to do that in your job. Why not marriage?

We need to be realistic about the education required for healthy relationships. We need to stop beating ourselves up because we don’t already know how to do it. School didn’t teach these skills.

Don’t keep waiting, hoping time will heal. Time does nothing. It’s what you DO with the time that heals.

Small unresolved conflicts snowball into mountains if they are not repaired.

Be smart. Get educated. Remove the stigma of getting help. You and your relationship deserve to flourish.

.

“My husband and I did therapy with you 18 years ago when he lost a job and our marriage was floundering. Our marriage is more solid than ever. You helped us see the right road to travel. We will always be grateful to you for your insight and wisdom.”  – JCS, classical guitarist

FAQs regarding this Communication Skills for Couples Workshop

Q: Do we have to be married to attend this workshop?

A: You can be married, engaged, or living together. There must be a commitment to make the relationship succeed.

Q: What if I’m uncomfortable sharing in a group?

A: That’s understandable. You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to with the group. There will be plenty of activities where you and your partner share privately. However, if you choose to share with the group, you’ll receive expert coaching. You will discover that other couples have similar issues and that you’re not alone. I will teach you how to communicate from your heart without blaming your partner. That helps you both feel safe.

(If you would prefer a confidential setting, contact me to schedule a Private Couples Retreat tailored to your needs.)

Q: We have been in therapy before, but we still have conflicts. Will this workshop help us?

A: Conflicts are normal. All of our fears and insecurities arise within an intimate relationship. When you help each other feel securely attached, you experience the deepest healing.

Q: What theory and techniques will you be using?

A: We will use Dr. John Gottman’s 40 years of research on this question: What makes masters and disasters of marriage? We will also use Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy based on attachment theory.

Benita Esposito is a certified Gottman Leader for educational workshops.

Click here to read this article: Gottman Research FAQs. Read about how Dr. Gottman predicts divorce with a 93.6% accuracy rate.

Click here to read the key findings of Gottman’s research.

Q: How many people will attend the workshop?

A: A maximum of 6 couples. Register early to ensure your seats.

Q: Are there couples who should NOT attend?

A: This retreat is not appropriate if …

• there is physical, emotional, or verbal abuse
• there is drug or alcohol abuse
• there is an active affair
• you are a highly conflicted couple
• you are on the edge of divorce.

If any of these are discovered, an appropriate referral will be made.

“Benita is patient, professional, and sincerely interested in our situation. She easily understands the context of the situation without too much explanation.”  – A.W.

.

Prerequisites for this Communication Skills for Couples Workshop

(1) Please watch my YouTube video: “Four Horsemen, Don’t Let Them Ruin Your Marriage.”

(2) You will each complete an application before your registration can be accepted. Please apply at least two weeks before the workshop.

(3) New clients must attend a 15-minute Discovery Call after they submit their application.  If this workshop is not a good fit, I’ll suggest private sessions or other resources.

(4) Please scan or read the following books. They will give you an overview of this workshop. If you don’t like to read, buy the audiobooks. Or, search for videos by Drs. John and Julie Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson on YouTube.

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work revised edition 2015 by Dr. John Gottman
• Biblical Reference Guide for the Gottman Method by David Penner and Laura Heck (It’s like the short cliff notes version of the book above.)
• Hold Me Tight or Created for Connection: The Hold Me Tight Guide for Christian Couples by Dr. Sue Johnson 
• Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies by Bradley and Furrow

“With Benita’s loving, non-judgmental guidance we learned what she meant by “going straight up the mountain.” We transformed our relationship with each other, and our relationship with ourselves. We are sure that Benita’s influence on our lives will be forever.” – P&J G. RN, Employment Recruiters

,

Couples Communication Workshop Schedule

One day 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Eastern on Zoom

10:00-12 noon

Break

1:15-2:30pm

Break

3:30-5pm.

Location: Zoom

.

Tuition

Regular fee: $550 per couple.

New clients: Complete the application on the Contact Page to get started.

Registration closes: January 22

Apply now to allow time to schedule your Discovery Call.

Requirements before your 15-minute Discovery .

1. Please read this entire webpage.
2. Please watch the TV interview “Four Horsemen: Don’t Let Them Ruin Your Marriage.” Click here.
3. Click here to complete the application on the Contact page. Tell me that you want to apply for the Couples Workshop.

I’ll contact you within two business days (Monday-Thursday) to schedule a 15-minute complimentary Discovery Call. Both of you must attend the Discovery Call.

.

Facilitator

Benita A. Esposito is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Georgia and a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in North Carolina. She earned a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology. You’ll receive the benefit of her four decades of experience. She has completed level three of three advanced training programs by the Gottman Institute, and she is a certified Gottman Leader. She also completed advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy by Dr. Sue Johnson. She is certified in Brainspotting to help you heal unconscious material.

Benita specializes in working with adult individuals and couples to create flourishing relationships. She also specializes in counseling highly sensitive introverts. She facilitates deep emotional healing to reduce depression, anxiety, stress, and trauma. Benita teaches success skills to help people flourish as their Authentic Self. Click here for bio.

Refund Policy

All refund requests must be made via email. Complete the contact form.

• 30 or more days before the retreat, there will be a full refund minus a $50 processing fee.

• No refunds 0 – 29 days before the retreat, but you may apply your fee to private sessions or another retreat within one year, minus a $50 fee.

Facilitator’s Cancellation Policy

If an event must be canceled due to unforeseen events (such as the weather or illness of the facilitator) the event will be rescheduled. Every attempt will be made to accommodate a new date that will suit your needs. If that is not possible, you may apply your tuition to another event of your choice within one year or apply your fee to private sessions.

In Parts 1, 2, and 3, Linda was frustrated with Larry because he didn’t clean out the garage like he promised. Linda used a withdrawal/attack conflict management mode, and Larry used a withdrawal strategy. Linda learned how the human brain functions when threatened. Then, she learned how to self-soothe. She developed a relationship between her Wise Self and her vulnerable Inner Child instead of attacking Larry. Here’s the next phase.

Here are 8 steps for conscious conflict management.

1.     Catch yourself when you react with automatic fight-flight behaviors. Don’t let your parts act out. Pause and pivot.
2.     Self-soothe for a minimum of 20 minutes. Get back in your zone of resilience.
3.     Shift your mindset. Stop blaming your partner. Look within to examine yourself.
4.     Explore: What vulnerable wounded parts are hidden underneath your reactive fight-flight protector parts?
5.     Be mindful: Observe your inner parts without judgment. Be curious and compassionate. What are your inner family parts doing and saying? Take responsibility for healing your inner parts.
6.     Speak FOR your parts, not FROM your parts. Don’t dismiss your parts by suppressing them or repressing them. That does not help them heal. It just sends them underground.
7.     Ask your spiritual connection and your Wise Self to help you become more self-aware. Stay centered in your zone of resilience while you explore your parts.
8.     It helps to journal this process in the beginning until you can gain more mastery. A therapist trained in Internal Family Systems can help you develop these skills.

Let’s see how this process might unfold using the example of Linda’s frustration with Larry for not cleaning out the garage.

The Pattern

Linda had a habit of stuffing her feelings until so much pressure built up that she harped at Larry. He’d apologize to get the heat off, promise to do better, and then not follow through on his commitments. After expressing her exasperation, she felt guilty for criticizing Larry. The pattern repeated itself.

Here’s a healthier way to manage this conflict.

a.     Linda notices her pattern. She catches herself getting annoyed (her fight-attack mode), but then she goes quiet (her flight-withdrawal mode).
b.     She meditates to calm down for 20 minutes. She gets back in the zone of resilience so she can think clearly. Her body relaxes.
c.     She stops blaming Larry and gets curious about her inner parts that want to go into fight and flight mode.
d.     She mindfully observes her reactive inner protector parts and gives them names. She writes in her journal:

• Kind part: This part says that it believes that it is not loving to attack Larry. She loves him. She doesn’t want to bother him with her feelings of annoyance. This part wants to avoid conflict, so she stays quiet.
• Annoyed part: This part is fed up with having to be the responsible one. She carries a lot of weight on her shoulders while Larry shirks responsibilities.

Having uncovered her parts, Linda can speak FOR her parts instead of FROM her parts.

Before Linda talks with Larry, she wants to understand what motivates these protector parts. She discovers two things:

• Underneath the kind avoidant part is a hidden inner child. She is scared that if she raises a conflict with Larry that he will distance from her. This inner child is scared of abandonment. Actually, Linda has been abandoning this part. She has been ignoring this part of her by using “kindness” and conflict avoidance. This child part feels insecure and all alone. This child doesn’t have a relationship with Linda’s Wise Self and God.
• Underneath the annoyed part is another hidden child: As long as the responsible part continues her job, Linda feels strong. She believes she MUST be responsible or else the whole house of cards will fall apart. If Larry won’t support her by sharing responsibilities, she must do it herself. There’s an exiled wounded child covered by this part who feels unloved. She doesn’t know how to speak up and say how she feels, or ask for what she wants. It’s not safe to do that. She stays hidden underneath the strength of the responsible part. Linda has abandoned this part of herself. This part doesn’t have a relationship with Linda’s Wise Self and God.

Linda promises these wounded parts that she’ll befriend them and help them heal. At first, she doesn’t know how to do this, so she attends therapy sessions to guide her through the process. Using Brainspotting [link to article], focused mindfulness, and Internal Family Systems internal dialogue, she develops a relationship between her inner parts and her Wise Self, who is connected to God. This RELATIONSHIP helps her parts feel seen, safe, and secure. They’re no longer alone. The protector parts don’t feel compelled to do their automatic behaviors. They relax and take a step back.

As the wounded parts heal over several therapy sessions, Linda feels more comfortable sharing these parts with Larry.

I coach Linda:

Behaving from your reactive protector parts activates Larry’s protective parts, and they spin around in a dysfunctional pattern. That’s how you both stay on the surface of your perpetual conflict.

Vulnerability pulls for empathy. Be transparent. Share your inner parts when you are ready.

Linda summons the courage to speak FOR her tender parts that have been hiding.

Linda: Larry, I’d like to talk with you. May I have your undivided attention for an hour? Is this a good time, or shall we make a date?

Larry: I can talk now. What’s up?

Linda: I want to talk about our repeated conflict where I want you to do more household chores, you say you will, but you don’t follow through. This time, I’d like to talk at a deeper level than I have before and share what’s under the surface for me. I am not going to attack you like I have before. I promise.

Larry: OK. I’m listening.

Linda: Well, this is a little scary for me to say because I haven’t talked with you at this level before. Can you be patient and empathetic with me?

Larry: I’ll try. Thanks for letting me know what you need. I’m here for you. Take your time.

Linda: Thanks, that feels reassuring. She takes a deep breath. I’ve discovered that I have a pattern of stuffing my emotions when you don’t do what you promise. Part of me wants to be kind and doesn’t want to be critical. I love you so much. I hate conflict. So, I go quiet.

But, then the pressure builds up over time. Another part of me, the Critic, can’t keep it in any longer. She reaches the boiling point. This part feels justified in haranguing you with her frustration. Underneath is a hidden part. She feels unloved by you. I have judged that part of me as bad and weak. I have pushed this part of me away, and I don’t reveal her to you.

After I complain to you, you agree that you should be more responsible, and you promise to do better. The Critic feels relieved, but doesn’t trust that you’ll follow through.

I now see that underneath the kind part that goes quiet is a scared inner child. She is scared that if she speaks up, you’ll reject her. I’ve been pushing her away, so she feels totally alone and abandoned. I can understand that now.

I haven’t been able to communicate with you from the deepest part of me because I didn’t know this was going on with me. Now I do, and I want you to know what comes up for me when you say you’ll do something and you don’t. The scared part of me wants to hide. I’ve been building bridges with her and helping her heal. She is less scared, and I have more courage to share my vulnerable feelings with you. You are so important to me. Feeling close to you is so important to me. I didn’t see how I was pushing you away. I didn’t see how I was pushing part of me away. Now, I do. I want us both to communicate from this deeper level. Would you like that, Larry?

Larry: It helps me to understand you when you talk about the parts of you. I don’t feel attacked now. Thank you for being open. This helps me want to share more with you. I don’t want you to feel scared inside, and I certainly don’t want you to feel scared of me. What can I do to help you feel safer?

Linda: You can be understanding, like you are now. I need you to empathize with me. Can you see how when you don’t do what you promise, a part of me feels scared that she can’t rely on you … that she can’t trust you?

Larry: Yes, I can feel how you shrink back from me when you feel scared that I’m not there for you. You want me to be your rock, someone you can count on. I have not provided that when I don’t do what I say I will do. I can see why you get scared. I see how you go quiet to avoid a conflict, and then you boil over with complaints. I understand.

Linda: Thanks. It feels good for you to empathize with me. I feel my body relaxing a bit now. It would help me if you would keep doing this when I bring you a request or a complaint. It feels like you are turning toward me, and that helps my inner parts feel safe. That’s the first step.

Larry: I’ll do my best to turn toward you and follow through on what I say I’ll do. I’ll explore the parts of me that don’t follow through. I wonder what motivates them? Maybe we can take a look together, or maybe I’ll get some individual therapy. I know that therapy has helped you a lot. Maybe we can go together. Would you like that?

Linda: Oh, I would. That would make me feel supported. Would you really do that for me, for us?

Larry: Yes, I see how important this is to you, and I like feeling closer to you. I don’t want this repeating pattern to continue either. I haven’t known how to break the cycle. I’m willing to do my part and look at a deeper level.

Linda: Thank you so much. Let’s find a couple’s counselor.

Larry: Yes, let’s. What’s the first step?

Linda: I’ll ask my therapist for referrals. Let’s make a list of action steps, who will do what and designate timelines. Let’s be accountable to each other. Is that OK with you?

Larry: Yes, I’m good with that. I’ll do my best to follow through on what I say I’ll do. Let’s set up a meeting twice a week to track our progress.

Linda: Thanks for suggesting that. I feel like you are taking more responsibility now. I feel so much better now. I love you, Larry.

She gives him a big hug, and he warmly embraces her.

Conclusion

This is one example of how couples can build bridges to manage conflict effectively. Professional counseling helps couples master the process. Each learns how to become more self-aware, how to take responsibility for healing their inner parts, and how to support each other in their mutual growth. They learn how to speak for their vulnerable parts. This process promotes intimacy with your Wise Self, with your spiritual connection, and intimacy with your beloved.

This 4-part series, Building Bridges, Not Walls: Navigating Conflict in Relationships, draws from several theories and techniques.

Suggested Reading

·       You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships. Richard Schwartz
·       Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Sue Johnson
·       The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. John Gottman and Nan Silver
·       Brainspotting: The Revolutionary New Therapy for Rapid and Effective Change. David Grand

Contact Information

Benita A. Esposito is a licensed psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister.

She is the best-selling author of The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Authentic Self, available on Amazon.

Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.

Benita Esposito’s credentials

If you are new to Benita Esposito’s work and you want to become a client, the first step is to fill out the application on the Contact Page.

Consider a retreat, individual counseling, life coaching, and spiritual counseling for highly sensitive people, or couples counseling.

To make an appointment for a 10-minute Discovery Call, please complete the Application on the Contact Page.

Part 1 covered common conflict patterns like the “attack-withdraw” cycle. Part 2 explored why we get emotionally triggered and introduced strategies for grounding and reconnecting with the Authentic Wise Self. This laid the foundation for effective conflict management.

Section Four: The Move Toward Mastery – Unblending from the Inner Family Parts

Linda is a conscientious high-achiever. She wants to increase her sense of personal mastery when she interacts with her husband. To help her, I explained that Internal Family Systems suggests that there is an exiled Inner Child who hides underneath the protector parts.

Linda was emotionally triggered because of a repeated pattern in their marriage. She retorted, “I’m so frustrated that Larry won’t clean out the garage. Why can’t he be responsible and act like an equal partner with me?!” She blamed Larry. This is her “attack pattern” in the marriage.

Unknowingly, Linda was blended with her Inner Critic. Blended means that she didn’t realize that a part of her was triggered. She thinks she was that part. She was not seated in her Wise Self.

The therapeutic goal is for Linda to connect with her Wise Self and observe her inner parts. This is called mindfulness: to notice without judgment. The parts are not good or bad. I invited Linda to be curious and compassionate with all her inner parts and to unblend from them. Seated in her Wise Self, she can help her inner parts heal and resolve conflicts.

Linda’s Inner Critic is self-righteous. She feels justified in her “attack” behavior.

Linda asks the Inner Critic, “What purpose do you serve? What motivates you?”

The Inner Critic replies, “I’m here to make sure that things get done. Responsibilities need to be fulfilled. I make things work well.”

Linda’s Wise Self thanks the Inner Critic for its service and acknowledges its conscientiousness. The Inner Critic feels affirmed.

Linda asks, “What are you afraid would happen if you stepped back some? What if you didn’t work so hard? What if you weren’t so demanding?”

The Inner Critic replies, “Nothing would get done. Our house would fall apart. Everything would be disorganized. The bills wouldn’t get paid. We’re already in too much debt.”

Linda’s Wise Self offers, “What if I could help you find another way to get things done and not feel so distressed? Would you be open to that?”

The Inner Critic accepts, “Well, yes, I would. I don’t like feeling so frustrated. I feel like I’m nagging Larry. I don’t like that.

Linda’s Wise Self asks, “If you would agree to step back and not be so dominant, I’d like to meet with another part of the inner family. There is a part hiding in the basement who feels vulnerable. As long as you are the overriding part, we can’t access the one who is hurting, and we can’t help her heal. Unknowingly, you are protecting this part, keeping it hidden. If you would allow me to meet with her and help her heal, you wouldn’t have to work so hard at protecting her by fussing at your husband. Would you be willing step aside while I work with her?”

The protective part agrees to step back but not go away. It’s going to watch what the Wise Self does with the vulnerable part.
.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” Joseph Campbell
.
Section Five: Building the relationship between the Wise Self, God, and the vulnerable part.

Even if Larry doesn’t meet Linda’s needs the way she wants, her Wise Self can comfort her vulnerable part. She can feel whole as she connects with God.
The most enduring forms of love, inner peace, and power come from God, not from people.

The Wise Self and God can help the Inner Child feel seen, heard, and cherished. Right now, Linda’s Inner Child doesn’t feel any of these things.
There is no sense of secure attachment between Linda’s inner family members, her Wise Self, and God. This is the root of the problem, not that Larry won’t take responsibility.

Linda is just beginning to understand this. It’s a process that will require several therapy sessions.
The conversation between Linda’s Wise Self (who is connected with God) and the hurt Inner Child unfolds:

Inner Dialogue

Wise Self: I see you, little one. I’m right here beside you. You’re not alone.

Inner Child: Oh, my. I’ve never seen you before. Where did you come from?

Wise Self: I’ve been here all along, just like God has been with you all along. But now we’re opening the doorway so we can connect consciously – you and I. I’m inviting you to develop a relationship with us so that you don’t feel alone, abandoned, or neglected. Would you like that?

Inner Child, hesitating: Well, yes. I guess so. I don’t even know you.

Wise Self: It’s natural for you to be cautious. You need to check me out to see if you want a relationship with me. You need to know me over time to see if I understand you; to see if you can trust me. That makes perfect sense. Take all the time you need. I’ll be patient.

Inner Child: That makes me feel better. I don’t want to be rushed.

Wise Self: Of course, you don’t want to be rushed. Building trust is a slow process that takes time … like cooking beef stew in a crock takes all day. It’s a lot different than cooking a hamburger in 10 minutes. I have all the time in the world for you.

Inner Child: Well, this is really different. You are really different.

Wise Self: Yes, I offer you a new perspective, one that will help you feel comforted. In me, you have a shoulder to cry on. In me, you have a confidante. In me, you will find compassion. I am here to understand you and your needs and to help you feel safe. Safe to be you. Safe to be you with me and with God. Safe to be you with your husband. Safe to fully show up instead of hiding behind the Inner Critic. Would you like to feel safe like that?

Inner Child: Oh, yes, I would. But it seems impossible. I’ve never felt safe deep down inside. The protector part is what the world sees – big and strong and confident. I have felt so vulnerable and so alone all these years. I love Larry very much, but he doesn’t support me.

I am the main provider for our family. I feel exhausted, trying to keep all the plates spinning. There’s so much to do. I’ve been tired for years. My body aches. I feel powerless to get Larry to take more responsibility. I feel scared to tell him that I feel helpless. Sometimes, in my darkest hours, I feel hopeless. If I show how vulnerable I am, I’ll feel exposed, naked. If he doesn’t reach back to me and give me what I need, I’ll feel devastated. That would feel even worse. That’s why I stay quiet and hide. I let the Inner Critic take over and fuss at him.

Wise Self: Yes, I know. You have been hiding behind that strong, competent part. You let her handle life. She’s had a big job to do, protecting you. She’s done a good job, too. If we help you heal and feel safe, she won’t have to work so hard. She can step back. You’ll feel stronger and safer … safer to be you … safer to show up. Safer to set boundaries for work-life balance. I’ll help you learn how to get your needs met so you don’t have to keep hiding. Would you like that?

Inner Child: Yes, I would. Please help me.

End of dialogue.

This is the beginning of a new relationship between the Wise Self and the vulnerable Inner Child. Linda’s homework is to write inner dialogues a few times a week to develop this relationship. This is an essential part of the healing process.
.
Six: Finding Solutions – How to Meet Unmet Needs

In Part 4, we’ll explore how each inner family part can get their needs met without attacking or withdrawing (pattern explained in Part 1 of this series).
What are the unmet needs of the scared Inner Child? To feel safe, seen, and heard. To be taken care of. Linda would like this from Larry. It would be great if Larry would do this, but it is not necessary for her sense of wholeness.

Linda can feel whole by getting her needs met through her Wise Self and God. She can participate in this inner healing process with her therapist, between sessions alone, or with a therapeutic group.

Remember, the first step is to take responsibility for healing your inner parts. This includes developing a spiritual relationship with the ultimate healer: your spiritual connection, which includes your Wise Self.The journey to mastering vulnerability is arduous, but the payoff can be life-changing. In Part 4, we’ll explore how couples can move beyond old patterns and create the deep, meaningful connections they’ve been longing for.

Contact Information

Benita A. Esposito is a licensed psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister.

She is the best-selling author of The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Authentic Self,available on Amazon.

Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.

Benita Esposito’s credentials

If you are new to Benita Esposito’s work and you want to become a client, the first step is to fill out the application on the Contact Page.

Consider a retreat, individual counseling, life coaching and spiritual counseling for highly sensitive people, or couples counseling.

To make an appointment for a 10-minute Discovery Call, please complete the Application on the Contact Page. 

The Neuroscience of Conflict

People often feel emotionally threatened when there’s conflict. Why? Because they don’t feel safe and secure with the other person. This is the core concept of Attachment Theory.

Your brain – your amygdala — fires with ancient instinctual ways of protecting yourself: fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn (pleasing behavior). The rational pre-frontal cortex can’t operate when you are flooded.
If you don’t ground yourself before you speak or act, you can’t think clearly enough to use productive conflict management tools. You have to get centered first. Here are the steps.

First, realize that you are triggered. Observe yourself. Know when to stop and self-soothe.

How do you know when you are triggered?

Be mindful and observe your behavior and emotions. Does your voice get a certain tone? Do you get angry or irritated? Do you get tense? Do you go quiet? Do you raise your voice? Blame or accuse? Criticize? Do you get overly logical, and you don’t speak from your heart?

Close your eyes, and do a body scan from head to foot. Where do you feel tense? Does your stomach feel tight? Does your chest feel heavy? Is there a lump in your throat? Do your jaws clench? Rate the level of activation on a 1 to 10 scale where 10 is high.

You can use a device such as HeartMath to give you real-time feedback on how stressed you are. You can see when you have calmed down. An Oura Ring will help you see your stress levels retrospectively. A pulse-oxygen meter can help, too. If your heart rate increases above 100 (for non-athletes), you are stressed. When couples are stressed, their pulses are often more than 100.

Two: self-soothe.
You must deactivate your amygdala so you can get centered in your body and think clearly. Here are a few options.

1. Breathe: Take 10 deep slow breaths. Inhale for 5 seconds. Exhale for 6 seconds. Imagine moving the air through your nose down into your belly, which should expand as if you were blowing air into a balloon.
2. Imagine a peaceful safe place: Feel the tension flowing out your feet into the ground. The Earth transmutes the tension into neutral energy like compost to grow new plants. Continue breathing until you feel your body relax to level 3-4.
3. Progressive Relaxation: Inhale. Make a fist with your hands. Hold the tension for five seconds. Exhale and let go of the tension. Repeat that one time. Continue this with each muscle group, moving from the top of your body to the bottom.
4. Sensory Awareness: Name 5 things you observe in your surroundings: what you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste.

Three: Internal Family Systems Parts Work

Imagine that you have sub-personalities. If you saw the movies “Inside Out 1 and 2,” you know what I mean. As proposed by Internal Family Systems, we all have parts. There are no good or bad parts. They are just parts. When they get triggered, they can raise havoc, causing you to withdraw and lash out.
When you become curious and bring compassion to your parts, they calm down because they feel understood by you. We all just want to be understood, don’t we? So do our parts.

When we observe our parts mindfully without judgment, we are seated in our Wise Authentic Self. We’re objective. We can listen to our parts and not be “blended” with our parts.

Here’s an example.

Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” you would say, “A part of me feels angry with you. Part of me loves you very much.” This helps other people feel less defensive. There is more to you than the angry part. Your Wise Self is present with the angry part. We never have just one part.

Ask the angry part if it is willing to speak with your Wise Self to gain insight instead of reacting in automatic reactive ways. Your Wise Self does not condemn the angry part. You realize that it is trying to protect a vulnerable part of you.

The Garage Conflict example from Part 1: Linda’s angry part lashes out at Larry for not cleaning the garage as he promised.

Contact Information

Benita A. Esposito is a licensed psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister.

She is the best-selling author of The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Authentic Self,available on Amazon.

Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.

Benita Esposito’s credentials

If you are new to Benita Esposito’s work and you want to become a client, the first step is to fill out the application on the Contact Page.

Consider a retreat, individual counseling, life coaching and spiritual counseling for highly sensitive people, or couples counseling.

To make an appointment for a 10-minute Discovery Call, please complete the Application on the Contact Page. 

Why do we fall into unhealthy patterns in our relationships, and how can we break free from them? In this first article of a four-part series, I’ll explain why these conflicts happen, and then I’ll offer insights on how to escape the cycle.

Let’s take a look at a common scenario.

A Real-Life Example: The Garage Conflict

Linda asks her husband, Larry, to clean out the garage. He agrees, but as time passes, nothing changes. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s become a regular frustration.

Linda feels exasperated. Why does she always have to be the responsible one? As she confronts him, anger and frustration bubble up. Larry apologizes, but nothing shifts. The tension only grows, and Linda feels powerless.

This is where patterns in conflict come into play. According to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), couples often respond to conflict in one of two ways: by attacking or withdrawing. The dynamics between Linda and Larry reflect a pattern many couples experience.

In this case, they fall into what’s called the attack-withdrawal pattern. Linda brings up the issue (attack), and Larry, instead of addressing her concerns, deflects with apologies or placating behavior (withdraw). Over time, these repeating cycles of miscommunication and emotional disconnection deepen the frustration.

An experienced Emotionally Focused Couple therapist doesn’t just focus on one person’s behavior; they watch the entire “dance” between the two. How does one partner react when the other stumbles? Do they criticize, or do they help their partner return to balance?

The Four Horsemen of Relationship Conflict

Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships, identified four key behaviors that predict divorce if there is no effective repair. These behaviors all involve some form of attack or withdrawal:

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing the issue. (“You always…” or “You never…”)
2. Defensiveness: Defending yourself against attacks instead of acknowledging your partner’s feelings. (“It’s not fair…” or “That’s not what I meant!”)
3. Contempt: Belittling or mocking your partner, often with sarcasm, insults, or hostile humor.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing emotionally or physically from the conversation—silent treatment, changing the subject, or walking away.

These four behaviors create a toxic cycle that leaves both partners feeling disconnected and misunderstood.

The Wall Between You
Sometimes, conflict doesn’t look like angry outbursts or shouting matches. Sometimes, it looks like silence. And when silence becomes the default response, a wall slowly builds between partners.

Here’s a poem that captures this withdraw-withdraw pattern:

The Wall

Their wedding picture mocked them from the table,
These two whose minds no longer touched each other.
They lived with such a heavy barricade between them that
Neither battering ram of words nor
Artillery of touch could break it down.
Somewhere, between the oldest child’s first tooth
And the youngest daughter’s graduation, they lost each other.
Throughout the years, each slowly unraveled that
Tangled ball of string called Self.
And as they tugged at stubborn knots,
Each hid his searching from the other.
Sometimes she cried at night
And begged the whispering darkness
To tell her who she was.
He lay beside her,
Snoring like a hibernating bear,
Unaware of her winter.
Once, after they had made love,
He wanted to tell her how afraid he was of dying.
But, fearing to show his naked soul,
He spoke instead about the beauty of her breasts.
She took a course in modern art,
Trying to find herself in colors
Splashed upon a canvas,
And complained to other women
About men who are insensitive.
He climbed into a tomb called the office,
Wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures
And buried himself in customers.
Slowly, the wall between them rose,
Cemented by the mortar of indifference.
One day, reaching out to touch each other,
They found a barrier they could not penetrate.
And recoiling from the coldness of the stones,
Each retreated from the struggle on the other side.
For when love dies,
It is not in a moment of angry battle,
Nor when fiery bodies lose their heat.
It lies, panting, exhausted…
Expiring at the bottom of the wall
It could not scale.
Author Unknown

Can you see what’s missing in these situations? Vulnerability. When we fail to share our most vulnerable feelings—our fears, disappointments, or needs—emotional walls begin to rise, and the connection between partners fades.

What’s Next?

In Part 2 of this series, we’ll dive deeper into how you can begin to navigate these rocky waters. You’ll discover strategies to re-center yourself and access the inner wisdom that helps you reconnect with your authentic self.

Remember, love isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about learning how to engage with it in a way that brings you closer rather than pulling you apart. Together, you can overcome challenges, as long as you’re both committed to understanding and supporting each other through the process.

Contact Information

Benita A. Esposito is a licensed psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister.

She is the best-selling author of The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Authentic Self, available on Amazon.

Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.

Benita Esposito’s credentials

If you are new to Benita Esposito’s work and you want to become a client, the first step is to fill out the application on the Contact Page.

Consider a retreat, individual counseling, life coaching and spiritual counseling for highly sensitive people, or couples counseling.

To make an appointment for a 10-minute Discovery Call, please complete the Application on the Contact Page. 

If you receive a bill that is at least $400 more than your Good Faith Estimate, you can dispute the bill. Save a copy or picture of your Good Faith Estimate. For questions or more information about your right to a Good Faith Estimate, visit www.cms.gov/nosurprises or call (800) 985-3059.

To learn about my fees, visit the Contact Page. Open the application for counseling.