The Essence of Essence..

It’s the anniversary of my resignation.

2017-11-01T18:15:00.000-04:00

This is the life.

God knows it hasn’t been perfect, but it’s been way more exciting than the life I was living before.

Still a long way to go!

Sidney and I are finally settling on a focus for our business and it looks like we will be moving forward soon. I’m very excited about the idea of having something that’s for US: Working our asses off for our family, instead of a boss or a manager at a 9 to 5.

What I’ve learned about starting a business so far is, the process is easier than it seems. Yes you have to have some money and yes it is a LOT of work but to start a small business doesn’t require as much money as one may think. Paperwork seems fairly easy so far. It’s just a matter of how big you want your business to be.

And let me tell y’all something about me: My goal here is not to make some ridiculous amount of money. I want a modest lifestyle. I just want to find something that A) we like to do and B) that the community we live in doesn’t have. Or something they have that we can improve on and do better. I’m good with a small piece of a big pie, as long as my bills are covered.

Oh and here's some news: I'm working again, as a substitute teacher, and I love it! As a sub, you log onto the website to see what teachers have called out, and you choose which job you want to take. All grades pre-K to high school, alternative education, juvenile centers, and children with special needs. You only have to commit to one day a month, but you can also work every day of you like! I love the flexibility of it, and I only have to work like 5 or 6 days a month to cover all of our bills, so it’s pretty sweet.

Me when 5th graders start throwing scissors

Also, Sidney’s mom has started taking the baby to church on Sundays, which gives Sidney and I the chance to go on dates during the day. Most of the time we head to LA and explore a beach. Walk around and window shop. We like to find dope places to eat, and sometimes we seek out a spot for dessert. Being able to have time to ourselves every week has done absolute wonders for my anxiety, and our relationship. Not that we were rocky, but taking some time away from Essence and Sidney the “parents” to focus on Essence and Sidney the “couple” has only served to make us stronger.

Last week marked 1 year since I resigned from my job in GA as a preschool teacher. During that time I reflected on the last year and the things I’ve learned. I’ve learned so much about myself and the things I am capable of accomplishing. Mentally, I was so content with my job and my life in Atlanta that I had completely cast out the idea that my life could be even better. I have pushed myself so far past my comfort zone and my anxiety has spiked higher than ever before.. but I survived it. All of that shxt and I’m still alive. Sitting here writing blogs. I’m so proud of these things my family and I have accomplished so far.
I’ve learned a lot in my relationship. This man I have is the most considerate, supportive person. He pushes me to be better than I am, no matter how annoyed it makes me. He puts our son and me before himself, always. Relationships are hard work and take a profound amount of commitment and REAL love. You both gotta be dedicated to making it work. Period.
I’ve learned a lot about motherhood, and yet I still know nothing. lol. My son is incredibly smart and such a happy kid. He loves music and will sing all day long, anywhere we are. His favorite right now is the Sing movie. He knows every line and every song! We watch it multiple times a day, and I play the soundtrack on my phone when we’re out and about. He loves pasta. And basketball. And Reese’s Cups candy and cereal. And The Beatles, Bruno Mars, Bob Marley.. all types of music. I could talk about him all day! Perhaps another blog.

Moral of the story is: I’m STILL not where I want to be, but dammit I’m enjoying the journey!

Identity Crisis

2017-05-15T20:33:00.002-04:00

?????????????????

The problem with social media is, people tend to give you mostly the good or the bad stuff that's going on in their lives, depending on the type of attention they want (or need). Even if you try and balance out the good and the bad, people are still going to make assumptions about your life that aren't true to the life you're actually living.

So I'm one of those people that try to balance things on social media. I don't want people thinking I'm living the perfect life because I'm not. I don't want people to think my life is miserable because it's not.

"OMG I posted a sad quote now everybody is gonna think me and Sidney broke up 😭"

I say all of that to say.. for the most part everything in my life is going well. I just got the last room in my house rented, and we are in the process of searching for another property to rent in Cali. Health insurance, all of that is taken care of. Money is no longer the huge issue it once was.

Not really.

However, right now there is a major conflict going on in my head. I'm having a problem sorting things out in my own mind.

I want to blog about it because I know how little people speak openly about mental health, and I want people to know that it is real. It's beyond health and eating habits. It's beyond prayer. It's beyond "it's all gonna be alright."

It's really hard feeling like you want to escape, but you have no idea what you're even trying to run away from. Hell even if I did know I couldn't run if I wanted to. My presence means too much to people.

Real.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck just.. existing. I felt dead at work and now I'm realizing that I still feel dead today. The calm is there.. the peace.. but there's no fulfillment. My son is so happy and incredibly smart and I credit that to having both of his parents around literally every second of every day helping him to learn and develop. I love my son and I love my family but I just need a fxcking break, in all honesty. The little things that I loved to do for fun in my spare time don't happen anymore since I became a mother. Rarely, anyway.

It's like I'm walking this path with this huge backpack on full of bricks. Like everyone is cruising next to me in a fancy RV. Every once in awhile someone will come off and take a few bricks out, but they always put them back. Sometimes they'll even let me on the RV for an hour or so, but then I gotta put the backpack on and get off again.

Pictured: anxiety, exhaustion, stress, depression, anxiety, nausea, fear, resentment, irritation, and also anxiety.

Like I get relief here and there but I'm still

fxcking

WALKING!

SO yea.. feeling a little mentally sick right now.

I also want to stress how much my resigning from work has nothing to do with this. Leaving work is a serious blessing because work would have made this way worse.

I think the largest part of all this has to do with my ongoing issue with identity. I was never 100% sure of who I was. I grew up constantly moving, so I was constantly adapting to the world around me in order to fit in with that crowd. In adulthood, I find myself just doing what everybody else wants to do in order to please everyone else. It's second nature to me now.

Before becoming pregnant, I thought I was at least on the right track to pinning down an identity. I had this career I was working on, a group of friends, goals.. and when I got overwhelmed I could take some time for myself and do the things I enjoyed doing to give me that serenity. Chile NOT ANYMORE.

Mask off.

2015 was the game changer. My life changed so fast that I don't think I had time to adjust. I realized that things I thought I was content with (namely work) were actually major stressors and, in fact, was another instance of me doing things I thought were "right" because they looked good to everyone else.

So here I am again trying to figure out what is really "right" for me. What truly makes me happy? What aspects of myself do I need to let go? What parts of me that I abandoned should I let return (if any)? What is right and what is wrong? Then something comes outta left field like

Am I a bad mom? Am I being selfish?

Should I accept the misery, pick up the backpack and keep on walking?

Bruh.

Who the fxck am I?

Who the fxck would I be if I didn't give a fxck about what everyone else thinks?

I still don't know.

But what I do know is that none of the things I'm doing now are making me happy. They're bringing me PEACE, which I am grateful for, but I haven't found the happy yet.

The craziest part of all of this for me is, after writing all of this out and reading it a few times, I actually feel way better. It's reminding me of why I started blogging in the first place. It's my therapy. All those years of journals and poetry.. they were written because I had all these thoughts and no one to listen. Making them public brings me a sense of relief. Like I'm venting and somebody is out there listening, unbiased and uninterrupted.

Whether I get 1 view or 1 million, just the THOUGHT of one person reading this and thinking "I feel you" helps me out.

SO, if you've made it this far, know that you are appreciated, whether you understand where I'm coming from or not. Just by reading, you have helped to keep me out of the insane asylum.

😊

Road Trip Time!!

2017-04-08T16:30:00.000-04:00

First things first, as you can see I changed the look of my blog. I made this blog in 2009 and designed the look myself, back when we were still in the MySpace era and everybody knew how to code before we knew how valuable coding was. Coding has left my memory, unfortunately, so I have to settle for one of the default templates on this site. One of my biggest regrets. lol.

Anywho, back to these life updates.

Motherhood has been very good to me. It's been hard but a transition like the one I've experienced can never come easy. My mind is different. My body is very different. I am a good 20 pounds lighter than I was BEFORE pregnancy. I can't gain the weight back, probably because I'm still breastfeeding. Tummy on fleek but my curves are gone. Hips, thighs, and hindquarters. It's been depressing watching my body change in this way.

Sidney's response has been "You've been complaining all this time about wanting to tighten up your midsection and now it's tight and you still not happy." And he's right. Sidney has a way of putting things in perspective. Sometimes he's a little too blunt for me but I know that everything he says is out of love. I'm still sad about my curves but hey, I asked to tighten up! So I've stopped complaining. I just figure once I finally stop breastfeeding the weight will come back, and maybe this time I'll actually work out so I can stay tight when it does!

Okay next update:

In 2 days, Sidney and I are going to do something incredibly brave:

We are driving to California. With the kid.

I'm scared that my anxiety will be on 100,000 the entire way but we do have a plan.

Baby Sid used to go to bed around midnight. Then we went to California and his schedule changed to midnight Cali time. When we came back to GA, he never got over the jet lag (none of us did) so he's been going to bed at 3am. Then the damn time changed so now it's 4am! He usually wakes up between 1-3pm.

Cali is a 30 hour drive. As long as we leave super early he should sleep the entire drive. We'll stop and get a hotel no later than 3, 4pm and then we'll have the day to find something fun in the city we're in to entertain him, then we'll turn in to the hotel that night and Sidney can sleep while I stay up with Baby Sid.

Sounds good right?

I hope everything goes smoothly.

Oh, and I also got a GoPro so we can document this whole thing. I know people have been asking about my YouTube, so this road trip series will be the first step to an EssenceTV revival. I had to relearn how to edit with iMovie and get familiar with the GoPro so I put together a video of us taking the baby to the park so I could practice. You can view that below!

Let me know if you all have any ideas of the direction I should go for YouTube, as I still have no idea. For now I'll continue to make everything a personal journal. Enjoy!

First Month of Unemployment.

2017-01-28T17:26:00.000-05:00

These last few weeks have been weird because it's been like a whirlwind but a standstill at the same time. I've been in California for the last month and a half. I go back to GA in a few days, and I'm honestly not ready.. but I have to go home and adult.

Miss you already!

I was hoping to have some sort of plan implemented by now, but all Sidney and I have really been doing is relaxing and having fun. Right now, mom-in-law has the baby. She came to pick him up a few minutes ago so she could run errands with her sister and introduce her grandchild to some people. It's been like this the entire time we've been in Cali, and I haven't felt this much peace since before I got pregnant. We've taken trips to San Diego, Rancho Cucamonga, Vegas.. hell even a trip down to the mall feels like a vacation when you don't have to worry about the baby. We were supposed to be in LA right now, but Sidney is under the weather, so I figured I'd hit ya'll with an update, if ya'll care.

1Oak in Vegas last weekend

As far as the business goes, we've been hitting crossroad after crossroad. We settled on a business, but at this point we're not sure if we should move forward with that, or marijuana because that may be easier, or what. To keep it all the way real, conversations have come up of us just saying fxck everything and just leaving the country altogether. This feeling of impending doom.. the tension that's hovering over USA lately is too thick to ignore. Not sure if it's something we really need to fear or if the media, and social media, is just out to scare us, but shxt will hit the fan either way. Should we just be proactive and get the fxck outta dodge? idk.

I'm learning that implementation is the hardest part of this process. All the second guessing and overthinking is holding us (mostly me) back from taking that first step. Is this the right choice? What if we put our money into this and it doesn't work? What if this happens, or that happens? It's pretty frustrating for me to know that, after all these years, I still don't know how to get out of my own damn head.

It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

At the same time, this IS supposed to be a vacation. Maybe I should have waited until we got back to GA before I even tried to think about it.

Anyway, there are things that are higher on the priority list right now anyway. Health insurance is a headache all by itself. I've never had to shop for it on my own. I've always had it through my parents or my employer so I'm over this process. I got health insurance for us but I'm not sure I made the right choice so I'm still shopping. I also have to do my taxes. Adulting is hard.

We also need to rent the rest of the rooms in our house. This is tricky because we will still live there; we'll be back and forth between there and Cali, so we have to be kind of picky. SO.. if you or someone you know is looking for a room to rent in the Powder Springs area, you can contact me through any of my social media pages. We are pretty laid back BUT we do have a 1-year-old child so we have to draw the line somewhere. lol.

Pictured: On his best behavior.

For the sake of not drawing this post out any longer, I will stop here. Shoot me a comment and let me know what you think.

Two weeks to go!

2016-12-05T15:45:00.003-05:00

It is Monday, 5 December 2016. The time is now 2:16pm.

Life has been a whirlwind and I haven't even officially left my job yet.

I'm sitting here at my desk, with an intern that has been assigned to help me get my workload together before I leave. He's sitting here doing nothing because, quite frankly, I don't have anything that I want him to do.

It's not like I don't have work to do. I have 2 weeks left, and I actually have a bit of a workload in front of me. However, on Friday, my job disabled my email. This morning, I came in to discover that they disabled my login for my computer. They disabled my account to get into the system that I use for work.

So, I promptly disabled a large number of the fxcks I have left.

I was fully prepared to sit at this desk and do nothing, BUT it is not within my nature to give NO fxcks. (Does that make sense? lol) I went ahead and notified mgmt to get my accounts back.

And now I'm blogging.

"Thinking of a master plan."

Anyway, I am 10 working days away from the rest of my life. And I still have no solid plan, but things are promising!

Sidney and I have been juggling around a bunch of ideas, but it all seems to revolve around us opening a business for ourselves. We've considered buying a franchise, opening some sort of sports bar or lounge, even something that neither of us has any experience in, like a dance studio (lol). Of course, there's also the idea of moving to California and taking advantage of these impending recreational marijuana laws. And I'll know if my wine is good enough to try to sell by next month. I mean, the possibilities are really endless. You can really make money doing anything out here, as long as you are willing to put in the work.

For now, I'm still too hung up at work to fully concentrate on life AFTER work. Isn't that sad? I still have to get up at 6-something am and fight traffic every day. I'm running around even more than usual because of all of these tasks they want me to hurry up and complete in the next 2 weeks. Plus there's my son, who will be ONE YEAR OLD next week! I'm exhausted, man.

Pictured: The only time he has some chill
SnapChat: EssenceATL

I've said it before, I am SO looking forward to just going to the West Coast and relaxing for a little while. We're only supposed to be there for 2 weeks but fxck it, we may extend our stay into the entire month of January. Why not? I'll be able to really focus and get my mind right. Get some energy in me.

In the meantime, I've vented enough. I wanted to give an update on where my thoughts are with 2 weeks to go. If any of you have any ideas on the direction my family and I should go, feel free to hit me with some suggestions in the comments.

Life after the letter.

2016-10-28T16:03:00.000-04:00

So here I am, a week and some change after turning in my resignation. I'm not sure what I was expecting but what I CAN say is that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me.

The blog and the announcement was sort of a shock to some. Mostly coworkers. A lot of folks just weren't surprised. Of course, the rumor mill spread. A few people (i.e. those who never read my last blog) assumed the pressure and stress of the job is running me away. Nope.. I could handle the job just fine.. if my heart was still in it.

Anyway, ever since I got the email saying my resignation has been accepted I have found myself a bit lighter on my feet as I stroll the hallways of my job. It's easier for me to deal with parts of the job that I was having a hard time dealing with before. I'm able to speak my mind easier. I can say things to my supervisors that I was too intimidated to say before. I find myself wondering: "Where was all of this energy and confidence before?"

Now that I'm making my exit, I guess I feel like it doesn't matter what I say at this point. Respectfully, of course. I would never intentionally disrespect anyone, but the fear of saying the wrong thing is gone because hell, what does it matter now? I'm on the way out! In the meantime, it's business as usual. Counting down to 16 December 2016!

In other news, I still don't have a solid plan, and I'm afraid of that as well. Sidney, of course, is very optimistic about everything. No matter what direction we decide to go in, we'll be alright. Worst-case scenario, it doesn't work out and I have to go back to work! We're just taking it a day at a time. We have a couple of things in the works and we are getting the ball rolling. For right now, I'm just looking forward to spending Christmas and New Years on the West Coast.

Blue skies and high desert.

Sidney Jr.'s first birthday is coming up as well. Personally, I'm not big on the idea of a grand extravaganza for a 1-year-old. I'm not sure if I'm even going to have a party. The only thing I'm excited about is the smash cake! I was talking to Sr. not too long ago and was thinking maybe we should invite some people over just to watch what he does with it and call it a day. I never saw myself making too big of an effort for my child's birthday.. at least not until his 5th birthday, at the earliest. It's cool to have the pics and the memories but I just can't see myself spending the money for something that is essentially more for other people than it is for my child, not counting gifts, of course.

This will NOT be me

I've been told by several people that I should consider revamping my YouTube channel. I would love to do that but between actually recording the vids and editing I don't know when I'd have the time right now. I swear, when you're a working mom, there is literally zero time to do anything except work and mom. I'm not sure which direction I should go in anyway. Some say I should switch over to a Mommy vlog, which I think is a good idea. I have other things I'd like to use my channel to touch on as well, so I'm still deciding. I guess for now I'll use it the same way I'm using this blog: as a journal to talk about whatever's on my mind until I can figure something else out.

Moral of the story is: It's been over a week and the Earth has not shifted at all. When it comes to the act of actually turning in my resignation, I'm not sure what I have been afraid of all this time. I'm sure that when my new life settles into whatever it is that it is going to become, I'll be saying the same thing.

I'm ready!

So I quit my job today..

2016-10-17T14:54:00.000-04:00

.. or rather, submitted a letter of resignation.

When I've said that I've been feeling a change coming, this is one of those major things I was talking about. I've been dealing with being unhappy for a long time now. It's not necessarily the job itself, but a JOB IN GENERAL. I sit at this desk every weekday of my life and daydream about a different type of life. I try to work on other endeavors while I'm off, but even something as simple as a hobby is damn near impossible because when I'm not at work, I have mommy duties. When I don't have mommy duties, I'm at work. Sometimes those two things loop into each other. And when I have a moment to have a break from both all I'm trying to do is REST.

I thank God every day that I was able to land a great-paying job at a respected agency right out of college. I was hired before I even graduated, which was a huge blessing and I am very proud of that accomplishment. I was convinced that I was going to be the world's greatest teacher and have my students visiting me years and years later because I had such a significant impact on their lives. Times have changed, however. The educational system is not what it was back then. The chances of me having that type of impact lessened with every year as my heart and mind started to slowly become disconnected from this life that I was living.

I've been here for seven years and, to be quite transparent, I feel dead. I find myself in zombie mode 99% of my life. I'm on autopilot so much I can't tell you what I was doing a couple of days ago, unless I base it off of what I do every day: Go to work, go home, chase the baby, go to sleep, repeat. I'm coasting through my days. I am literally wasting my life.

I've overheard people around me talking about how they're getting ready to retire.. 20+ years of service at their particular 9-5 and now they're in their 60s and 70s finally getting ready to wrap it up. It put things into perspective for me. I don't want to wake up one day and look in the mirror and be 60-something.. and NOW I'm getting ready to stop working and NOW I get to really rest and travel and see the world and etc etc. I would never forgive myself if that became my reality.

I've been telling myself, literally for years, that I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. That I'm not built for the bottom of the totem pole. That I don't want to work for somebody else forever. Then the school year ends and I tell myself "One more year."

"Let me work one more year and see what happens."

The fxck was I expecting to happen?

This year, I finally made the real decision that this "one more year" was REALLY going to be "one more year." But I needed a plan. What's the plan? What do you want to do? Where are you going to go? What's next? The fear that came with attempting to answer those questions alone would have inevitably lead to my "one more year" rolling over into a few more "one more years."

Then I started to see the signs. God held a mirror to me and began to show me, myself. Who I had the potential to be. How staying somewhere I kept promising myself I would leave is impacting my health. My family.

I am anchored here.

My fiance wanted to go to California to visit his family for 2 weeks, but he couldn't take the baby because he's breastfed and my next break isn't until December. Because of my job, my family is anchored here.

Small breaks aren't cutting it anymore. I can break for a week or two, travel or take a cruise and come back even more tired than before.

Even if I was making $200,000 a year, and I wanted to take a trip to, say, Japan.. I couldn't. You can't TRULY visit a place like Japan for a weekend, or even a week or two. You're limited to tourist traps and small-scale adventures. It may as well still be America! If I'm spending money to go there, I'm going for a month, at least. I will never be able to take a vacation for a month. Hell, I can't even spend 3 weeks in Savannah, because I am ANCHORED here.

So "one more year" had to become "right now."

The moral of the story is, it's time to stop putting it off.

I am sick of telling myself that I want better for me and my family, yet somehow ending up right back into the same poisonous cycle that is the 9 to 5.

Am I 100% sure what's next for me and my family? HELL nah. I have no idea.

Am I afraid? I am scared. Shxt. Less.

But I'd rather be here than looking into the mirror at 60-something wondering why I never listened to my heart at 31.

And my family will prosper a whole lot more with a mom and a wife who is physically and mentally PRESENT, rather than one who comes home from her "good" job every day miserable as fxck because I can't shake the fact that my life is supposed to go in a different direction.

Whatever I end up doing, the journey will be documented. I want my story to be told. Whether it's 2 people or 20 or 2000 or 2 million, somebody out there has GOT to feel me!

Life begins again at the top of 2017! Here we go..

I need a hobby..

2016-09-27T09:12:00.001-04:00

Part of this whole "lack of fulfillment" thing for me is the mind-numbing repetitiveness of being forced to do the exact same thing day in and day out. Go to work, go home, entertain the baby, go to sleep, repeat. Find a place to occupy the baby's time on weekends. It sucks, in all honesty. This is the reality of it.

My fiance is always telling me that I can do anything I want to do and be successful at it, and I'm always telling him that I don't have anything I really enjoy doing. However, in retrospect I guess there are a whole lot of things I like doing.

One of those things is wine. I like to have wine.

Actual photo representation of Sidney and I. #Goals

For my birthday this year, I went out to Tennessee and experienced my first wine-tasting. Five bucks for a glass and a myriad of wines to try. Can't beat it!

I was surprised and excited to learn that wine is made with many different types of fruits besides wine. This should have been obvious now that I think about it, but the thought never occurred to me. I tried wine made from apples, muscadines, cherries, and blueberries. Some of those wines were even more delicious than wines made from grapes!

I started to do some research and learned you can even make wine with veggies and flowers, if you wanted. The possibilities are endless.

So, I have decided to learn how to make wine in my spare time. It's surprisingly easy, albeit time-consuming. I read up on the process and watched a lot of YouTube tutorials. (YouTube can teach you anything. Who needs school?) Then, I ordered a kit off of Amazon and started the process.

Snapchat: EssenceATL

The point of this post was do document this new journey I'm taking. If there is anyone interested in how I made the wine, I'll post my step-by-step process, but other than that I'll just let you know how it goes over the next few months. You have to allow the wine to ferment for at least 4 months before you can drink it so I'll talk to ya'll about it then! In the meantime, I ordered a couple more jugs ("carboy" is the technical term) so that I can experiment with a few more batches made with different fruits. I started with strawberry, and now I plan to try blackberry, blueberry, and possibly mango! I'll keep ya'll posted!

Can Anyone Hear Me?!

2016-09-09T15:35:00.000-04:00

What do you do when you're torn between what you want to do and what you're "supposed" to do?

By "supposed," I mean something you may have been conditioned to do your entire life. School, for example. You know from the time you are young that you're "supposed" to go to school and get good grades. Maybe people at your school and your family are emphasizing the importance of continuing your education by going to college so that you can get a good job and start a career. Then, you decide that you don't want anything to do with school. Do you stay to appease everyone around you? Do you risk doing something "else"? There are folks out there may not understand your choices. There may be a risk that these people will never forgive you for these choices? Or maybe they will judge you.. think you're dumb or something. Is your opinion really the only one that matters here? It's your life, right?

RIGHT?

I'm walking my journey right now and I am seeing so many forks and crossroads ahead and the fear is so real. I feel it every day. I've spent my whole life allowing others to drive my decisions. So much so that I've lost track of what it is that I want for myself.

Hm..

Unfortunately, it's too late for me. Now I have a family, so it's no longer about me. Now things are even more complicated, but I'm even more motivated to make whatever change this is that I need to change. I'm motivated to do it without considering the influences around me.

Just because I'm motivated, however, doesn't mean I have gathered the strength.

Mood.

This is one of those instances where my mind is racing and I just need to get my thoughts out where I can see them. To me, it seems like a jumbled mess of uncertainty but maybe somebody out there feels me.

Thoughts?

Life Updates..

2016-09-03T15:59:00.000-04:00

So I'm currently headed somewhere up into the mountains of Tennessee for some (hopeful) rest & relaxation while on this work holiday. Also, My birthday is tomorrow. I will be 31. I'm fxcking old.

I said in my last post I'd give y'all an update on my life, so here it is:

First of all, I continued my education after GA State and got my Master's at Clark Atlanta University. During that time I was still super active on YouTube, even having my videos featured on an app called Urban Gossip once a week! However, a couple weeks before finals, my computer crashed. All my notes and papers for school, along with video footage for my channel, GONE. I graduated anyway (magna cum laude!) but never posted another vid again.

I'm still at the same job. I started as a Bus Monitor/Substitute, did that for a year then moved up to Early Head Start Teacher. Specifically, I was in the 2-year-old classroom. I did that for like 5 years and I am now entering into my second year as a Family Services Assistant. I work with four other FSAs and the job is no joke. It's basically a Social Worker who has gone insane and decided to take over 18 other people's jobs. In a nutshell.

We may or may not have killed those 18 other people first.

Also, my ex-fiance and the subject of more than a few of the poems in the archives of this very blog, came waltzing back into my life a few years ago. He has since packed up his life to move here to GA. We are now engaged AGAIN, and have an entire little human that we made. His name is Sidney Jr. and he is almost 9 months. We live in a little house off in the cut somewhere in Powder Springs.

That's my boy!

Overall, I think, my life is pretty fxcking sweet. As I approach my 31st birthday, however, I find myself reevaluating my entire existence. This is why I decided to blog again. I have something that I need to figure out. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I'm sure that whatever it is, it needs to be documented! Something big is coming around the horizon, my friends. And I want you all here when I, with the help of my gorgeous family, decide what that is.

For now, I plan to enjoy my 31st birthday lost up in these mountains. Enjoy your Labor Day!

Welcome Back!!

2016-08-31T14:58:00.000-04:00

The title of that post is for me as well as for you.

What can I say? I haven't visited this place in a long time, but it feels good to be home! I started this blog at a time when I felt lost. When I needed to speak and no one was around to listen. This blog, along with YouTube and Ustream, was my therapy. Once I started to get lost in other things, the desire to write kind of left me.

My last post was January 2011.

So now here I am, almost 6 years later, thankful that my blog wasn't deleted or that I didn't forget my password or something, because I am lost again. I need this again. I need a new journey and I need to document my steps.

So here I am.

Not sure what direction I'm now going in with the revamping of my blog, but I guess I can start by talking about where my life is now. But I'll do that later.

For now, anticipate new posts. If, for some strange reason, you've been hanging around for the last 5 years and some change waiting for the day I post again, God bless you. lol.

If you've never read a blog of mine or watched a YouTube vid, feel free to peruse the old posts of this blog and/or check out my old YouTube vids here.

And welcome! .. or welcome back.

Hello, 2011.

2011-01-19T22:38:00.002-05:00

You've been a HELL of a rollercoaster, so far.

As the first month of a new year draws to a close, I'm already feeling like I've been pulled in all kinds of directions, up and down, around in circles, and back again. E V E R Y S I N G L E emotion. I can HONESTLY say.. if this is setting the stage for the rest of the year, then WOW. I'm not sure I can handle all that's coming.

Shit.

I feel like banging my head against a friggin wall already.

I'm thinking what my problem may be is that things are happening entirely too fast. To much raw info. Too much tea spilling. Good news then bad news then worse news then better news. I feel like I'm running through my present.

This will be my year to delve back into the past, as my homie Shani put it. More than once this year I've found myself looking behind me.. seeing my past in a steady jog.. trying to catch up to me. I find myself slowing my stroll.. I really don't know what I want to happen right now. I'm afraid, honestly.

Aw HELL..

Scared as SHIT.

And overwhelmed. I can't deal. So I'm giving it all to God (seeing as though he makes no mistakes) and the two of us are gonna try to work this all out together.

Scratch that. We WILL work this all out.. together. :o)

I'ma slow down and just walk on faith and just let whatever is happening, happen. So be it.

Doesn't stop the fear, though. But LEGGO any damn way.

What ya'll think?

#TeamCelibate over a year and counting..

2010-12-20T20:49:00.000-05:00

Quite a bit has changed since my post on celibacy last year, but I'm happy to say that I stuck with it. As of 13 Dec 2010, I have been celibate for a year, and it feels good! Of course, folks try and make me feel bad about it, and although I cared before I don't care now.

:o)

I would like to say again.. that my journey to be celibate is just that.. MINE. I do NOT think that there is anything wrong with casual sex. Nobody is a whore simply for being sexually liberated. However I.. with my fragile heart.. know that I personally cannot handle those kind of relationships. My heart ALWAYS gets involved. And for those men (i.e. MOST men) who tend to not have the desire to progress past casual sex, things can get ugly. Friendships have been lost and hearts (mine) have been broken. TOO many times. I want somebody to appreciate my mind FIRST.. accept my heart SECOND while offering his.... and then he can get all the pussy he wants. Anytime. Period.

Do I encourage other women to take this journey as well? Of course.. girls like ME.. who can't handle casual sex.. and you KNOW it. If you can, by all means do what you do.. I envy you a bit, actually.

Now let's hope my journey serves purpose.

20 Folks I’m Following That You Should Follow Too..

2010-11-20T23:58:00.008-05:00

Everybody knows that I spend a lot of time on Twitter, tweeting my life away. Sometimes I talk about real shit, but I’d say for me 75% of Twitter is strictly entertainment. I tend to follow mostly people that I know, and only people that are also following me, with the exception of some news accounts and Twitter troubleshooting pages. With that said, here are the 20 people on Twitter that I find the most interesting. You should follow them too! Keep in mind, these arent in any particular order.

1. @NikaDiva

Nika is my sister and best friend.. the Yang to my Yin, but that is not why she’s on my list. A fiesty ass lesbian, people who follow her are definitely guaranteed to be entertained lol. As sweet as my sister is, she’s a firecracker who sounds off on whatever is pissing her off at the time. She is also living with Lupus, so follow her to get a better understanding of the condition.

2. @kellz314

Kellz is another homegirl of mine. We’ve been friends for about 4 years now. She’s on my list because she is fucking hilarious. Anyone who follows her will tell you that she rivals your favorite comedian as the funniest person on Twitter.

3. @actorbrianwhite

You may best know Brian White from the movie Stomp the Yard and CSI: Miami. He started following me after he popped up on an episode of Ghost Whisperer that I was watching and I commented on how fine I thought he was, so I followed him back. What I found was there was way more to him than looks. This is a man with a message. He exudes an air of intelligence through his tweets that puts these “men” I deal with out here in Atlanta to shame. I love a man with something to say. Follow him if you think there are no good men left. (He just got married, so he’s no longer available either. I’m just saying.)

4. @JuicyRoyale

My friend of over 10 years, Royale is on my list because she’s always posting something, clever, hilarious, or purely entertaining. Her sarcasm is the best! She also stays coming up with interesting topics about sex & relationships that spark great “twonversations.” Never a dull moment. Be sure to check out her blog as well!

5. @Mstiffevans

Singer Tiffany Evans is on my list because, aside from the passion she has for her craft, she gets my vote for most positive person on Twitter. When it’s so easy to send messages on anything and everything to the world, here is someone who manages to have nothing bad to say. I have never seen an angry, or even agitated tweet from her. Drama-free positive people inspire you to do the same.

6. @kyfinis859

Probably known best to you all as being a Young Money engineer, the homie KY makes my list because of the quality of the things he tweets about. Older and more mature than most other people I know, it shows in his tweets. He educates his followers on the “industry” and the evils of things like weave and starts mini-movements such as #TeamRealHair, of which I am a proud member of!! :o)

7. @RickeySmiley

What can I say? I’m pretty sure everyone knows this guy and why I’m following him. lol. However, I think that what a lot of people DON’T know about Rickey Smiley is his knowledge and passion for politics and current events. He sounds off on topics daily, both on twitter and on his morning radio show (which I tune in to every morning, I might add). Follow him and learn something!!!

8. @LaverneLOVE

Miss Gennyfur is another good friend in my personal social circle. We call each other our “ride or die.” Wherever we go, we have fun, no matter WHAT. The reason why she’s on my list, though, is because she is always good for a conversation-starter as well. She always keeps it real and censors NOTHING. Plus the tweets she puts out throughout her day are hilarious, especially when she’s out & about at night!

9. @iAM_BART

Remember those “Free Bart” t-shirts?

Yep. This one.

Bart is on my list because his sarcasm and brutal honesty makes him one of the funniest and most entertaining guys on Twitter. As funny as he is, lowkey he’s serious about a lot of the stuff he’s saying. He also has an awesome blog you should check out!

10. @Jnicks & @ETCALI

ET & JNicks, known as The Durrty Boyz, are the hosts of Atlanta’s top evening radio show. I put these two on my list together because they’re on my list for the same reasons. They are the voice of Atlanta nightlife so follow them if you want to know what’s poppin. They are pure entertainment on Twitter, always joking and clowning the shit out of folks.

11. @EuroTone

Antonio Graves plays pro basketball overseas. Mature and intelligent, he makes my list because of all the compelling and intriguing things he has to say. He’s one of the few guys I know my age that still believes in love & relationships, and tweets about it. That’s something that you all know I definitely respect and appreciate!

12. @brookandthecity

Brook’s definitely has the gift of gab and her wit, which she expresses on her very popular blog, has earned her a bevy of fans and, recently, her own show (with Miss Jia) on BeeHive Radio. She has single-handedly started a number of trends on twitter, including the #girlWHAT term that I now use. I, personally, “l-ve” her. lol

13. @FlyPublicity

Publicist to R&B singer Sammie & rap group Travis Porter, to name a few, my homie Josh King is largely respected in “the industry.” He’s on my list because he stays on top of all things entertainment, and will tweet about new music, video shoots, industry events, and whatever else may interest the people. He’s always clowning folks at events or while he’s out & about. Hilarious! Plus, his quotes and #TeamJesus tweets are greatly inspiring.

14. @MarioSoulTruth

R&B singer Mario mostly tweets about what he’s doing as he’s doing it, but every once in awhile he’ll hit you with some really awesome quote or something deep. Things that make you go “hmmm..” I like people who say thought-provoking things.

15. @BOOGIESWORLD

Known to R&B singer Sammie as his “right-hand,” he does everything. Boogie is on my list because.. well.. dude is just fucking funny! In real life and on Twitter. He tends to sound off about things that grind his gears, and will call out the stans that bother him about Sammie. On top of all that he is one guy who knows this industry quite well, so besides laughs you should follow him in order to stay informed about that kind of stuff.

16. @justmissparis

Paris gained thousands of fans and nearly 25,000 followers on Twitter simply by being herself, which gains respect from a lot of folks, including myself. Gorgeous and covered in tattoos, folks just cannot get enough of her. Her blog shows her deep, intellectual side with poetry and artwork that brings an entirely different fanbase to the table as well. From a personal standpoint, I find her quite genuine. She’s always been really good-natured and friendly with me, so she’ll always be cool in my book.

17. @oompcamptv

Calvin “the coordinator” is part of the legendary Big Oomp Records and a good friend of mine for some years. He’s on the list because of his profound knowledge of music and “the industry.” Follow him to get educated on some things you didn’t know before.

18. @twitter, @spam, @safety, @TweetDeck

I follow all of these accounts to keep updated on all things Twitter. Whenever something goes wrong with Twitter, one of these accounts will speak up. I use Tweetdeck so I follow it for the same reasons. I know which links not to click and how to avoid fucking up my computer because of the Spam and Safety pages.

19. @Arithemack

Another of the brutally honest, fucking hilarious ones. Ari’s tweets keep me laughing all the time, even though I don’t really broadcast it. I laugh out loud every time Ari pops up on my timeline.

20. @CNN, @cnnbrk, @wsb_tv, @cbsatl, @BreakingNews

I like to keep up on current events, and I can do that on Twitter faster than I can on TV nowadays. Also, with my job I have to be on the road around 6:15 and local news pages like @wsb_tv and @cbsatl give traffic reports along with the news.

So.. there you have it! Go follow all of these people to be just as entertained as I am on Twitter!! :o)

*Honorable Mentions (who should also definitely be followed):

I'm still feeling unfulfilled? I think..

2010-11-18T22:32:00.000-05:00

You ever feel unfulfilled even though you feel like you ARE fulfilled and should be fulfilled? Well, that's how I feel. Already I'm feeling like maybe I should try something different. Let me explain:

Right now I've been living my dream. I've known since I was a child that I wanted to work with children. (Either that or animals, but I hate biology so animal doctor.. no. lol) I busted my ass in school working for the degrees I have. Almost gave up on school a few times for no reason other than just being TIRED. Got KICKED OUT of the Georgia State University Early Childhood Education program over some bullshit and STILL kept going and ended up graduating a whole year earlier than I would have been graduating had I stayed with that program and.. guess what? STILL doing what I was trying to do: Teach early childhood.

I love my job and while it is not moving along as quickly as I had hoped, I still come into work every single day because I love it and I'm learning more every day. Not too many folks come out of college with a job already lined up. (I interned there my last semester and had a job interview before finals, hired before graduation KABOOM)

And yet.. I'm already thinking maybe I should be doing something different right now. And I'm pissed off at myself.

I had a conversation with my best friend and sister Nika yesterday. We were eating & sipping margaritas at a Mexican restaurant and she started talking about how much potential she has to do big things and the world better watch out cuz she's on the way to reaching that potential. (Which I definitely agree with!) Then, out of nowhere, she switched the conversation to me. How my "gift of gab" has the potential to reach people and create awareness. She used the blog I wrote about her and Lupus as an example. Apparently a lot of folks that didn't understand her, or other folks with Lupus, understood after reading my blog. And apparently there are things that I say that have an impact on people.

I started thinking about all the opportunities I've missed. I used to have HUGE dreams. I used to want to be a singer. I was in somebody's church or school choir, talent show, or competition from 4 years old up until I graduated junior college in `06. 21 years. I have a degree now in Music: Vocal and Performance. Over my bed now I have a bunch of 1st place trophies from competitions, old music on my bookshelf from statewide and national choirs I was a part of in middle & high school that I had to audition for. Sight-reading, vocal lessons, piano lessons, all that shit.. I did it for 21 years. Guess where all of that is going? Nowhere. Not because I tried and it didn't work out, but because one day I decided I didn't want to do it anymore. Even now people catch me singing to myself in the hallways at my job or singing my students to sleep and stop me and ask why the fuck I'm not doing anything with it, and I just shrug. I don't know.

Folks stay telling me I should do radio or have my own TV show, or at least audition for a reality show. I missed out on an internship with V-103 in promotions because I was planning to move to Allentown, Pennsylvania to be with my (ex)fiance. I avoided studio time offered to me because he had problems with me being around a bunch of dudes. Now that I've been single for 4 years those kinds of opportunities don't come up anymore, and I'm not really pursuing it. Why? I don't know.

lol. I really don't know.

I supposed a part of me knows how fragile and trusting I still am. I don't take being fucked over well. The industry is coooold-blooded, boy. I know.

I don't know.

I'm an award-winning essayist and poet. I won money in high school because of my writing. Top in my school in Language Arts, Reading, and English. Plaques all in my room. Meetings with famous poets and authors, wanting to be my mentor. Wanting me to write books, or at the very least get into journalism as a freelance writer. I settled for this lil' ol' blog. Why?

I don't know.

I'm starting to wonder what my life would be like if I had taken those kinds of opportunities up years ago. Where I would be now. What I would be doing.

Would I still be regular? I don't know.

One thing I DO know is that God makes no mistakes. If I'm where I am now it's because it's in His plan and I have to trust in it, and because of that I have no regrets. There's gotta be a message in these things I'm feeling. There must be something bigger waiting! -Big Boi voice-

And if there is, where is it? And how the hell do I get to it?

Shit, I don't know.

For now, a couple pieces of me are still empty.

Anyone else every feel this way?

The Wind

2010-11-13T23:10:00.000-05:00

things change on those days when the wind switches direction

it feels so good

on those days you long to feel the cool breeze on your face the wind has long gone

the wind likes to show up on those cold ass misty days when the last thing you want is to have it blowing in your damn face

then it's gusts get so strong damn near knocks you over.

an angry fist that generates blow after blow after..

why do you do that?

why doesn't it ever give us what we need when we need it?

because it enjoys to watch us suffer?

hug me. surround me with your warmth.

whisper in my ear a ballad of endearing comfort

take me away to the euphoria only you can bring

don't disappear when i need you most

stop disappearing when i need you most.

The Spoon Theory

2010-11-08T20:27:00.001-05:00

Purple Lupus bands.. Spoon pin on deck.

So.. not to long ago my sister Nika and I, along with her mother, attended a Lupus Symposium somewhere in Atlanta (not sure where, it was early lol). My sister and her mother both have Lupus, and although I don't I went simply to support her, and gain my own understanding of what Lupus is and what it does.

When I think of Lupus, I think of that one girl from America's Next Top Model, Mercedes. I think she was the one to introduce the mainstream world to Lupus, though some folks still don't understand.

Video footage of Mercedes promoting Lupus awareness.

Anywho, one of the spokesladies there, Christine Miserandino, put together a touching account of how she explained to a best friend when they were young what it was like to live with Lupus. I thought I'd share it in case any of you have friends or fam who don't understand.. or even if you have it and can't seem to find a way to explain it to anyone. Lupus has this annoying little habit of making you look normal to the outside world, so most believe that you're faking or something. Anyway, here it is. It's a bit long but I encourage you to read on because this is really good stuff here.

This was copied and pasted directly from her website:

The Spoon Theory

by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

People living with Lupus who have heard and relate to this story affectionately call themselves "Spoonies." I am what you would call a "Spoonie Supporter." I love my sister and I hope that she, and others living with Lupus, realize that this is not a setback but God's way of reminding you and the rest of the world of how strong you are. And THAT.. makes you FUCKING AWESOME!! Keep the ones in which the MUTUAL love is the strongest, closest, and cast away the bad seeds who neither want, nor care to understand. God makes no mistakes and you are here. What's that telling you?

I hope I reached out to some of you other folks as well! Much love and remember that you never know what others are truly going through, so let's not be ugly to one another for no reason, okay?

Be sure to check out Ms. Miserandino's website for Lupus here.

Thoughts?

EssenceTV Episode #27: Over the Counter Accutane?

2010-10-26T14:40:00.002-04:00

As you know, I'm trying to get my Youtube channel back up and running. Here is the latest installment of EssenceTV!!

Now keep in mind that I JUST got my Mac Pro.. This is only my second time using iMovie so I'm not very saavy.. I'm working on it!! lol.. But stay tuned for upcoming episodes the TRUE entertainment is soon to come!!

Black men need to step it up.

2010-10-21T23:26:00.000-04:00

How damn TYPICAL is this of (most) Black men?? EXPECIALLY (most) Black men in Atlanta? All that shit they talk is an excuse because they're too lazy to work for a real woman as hard as we'd work for them. Too many times women fall victim to the excuses. They'd rather fuck a whore/groupie/golddigger/thirsty chick than come home every day to a woman who adores THEM, not their job, dick, or material possessions. SMH Check this out and tell me if you can relate.. women AND men.

*DISCLAIMER* I'm WELL aware that we women have our faults as well, but for right now I'm focusing specifically on male faults. So please don't hit me with the "Well shit you talk about us but WOMEN do this to and blahzay blah blah." I KNOW. Women suck too and make the good women look bad. (Hence the whore/groupie/golddigger/thirsty chicks I mentioned earlier.)

Thoughts?

Okay so this song is EVERYTHING..

2010-10-19T23:58:00.001-04:00

Nina Sky - You Ain't Got It (Funk That)

They both look great! But on a *sidenote* .. did one of the girls come out of the closet?

Anywho, thoughts?

I would be his forever.. AND an eternity.

2010-10-18T23:45:00.000-04:00

So this absolutely blew my mind. This has got to be the most creative marriage proposal I have ever seen in my life. (Even though I seemed more thrilled than her. lol) I got a little teary-eyed when I watched this:

Okay, like seriously.. a marriage proposal this beautiful and creative.. she'd better had given him some GOOD later on! LOL shit she'd better give it for LIFE! That's CRAZY!!

What's your dream proposal? (Girls AND guys!! Don't be skurred..)

Thoughts?

We could've been in love forever.. but the fear consumed me.

2010-10-17T22:20:00.000-04:00

How often does this happen? You find yourself wanting to express yourself.. really let someone know how you feel about them.. then the fear sets in. You don't want to be blatantly dissed, nor politely shut down. With the existence of texting and instant messaging it's easy to type something up and then sit on it for awhile.. stare at it and think about whether or not you really wanna hit "send." I supposed that's why people prefer this to speaking on the phone, or face to face. You can't speak the words and watch them in a little comic speech bubble.. decide if you want it to be said or not. Once it comes out of your mouth, there's no taking it back. That's scary.

I admit, I definitely prefer texting & IM to speaking.. my real-life social skills are shot thanks to the internet & texting. I've definitely sat on an unsent message time and time again.. proofreading.. only to end up revising.. or deleting the whole thing altogether.

SMH.. I wonder what would have happened if I just put it all out there for you to read.. to save into your "Saved" folder or IM archive...........

I've probably missed out on love a few times. It's probably walking on by me as I (gingerly) type up this blog.. shit I actually just wrote a few sentences about how I feel about him and thought "fuck it".. and deleted it. Ya'll don't need to know all that.

At the same time, it may be the only way he'll know....

-Essence shrug- Oh, well..

Find the time this week to build the courage to tell someone how you really feel. Send the first message you type up.. no deleting. Or take it a step further.. and CALL. You never know.. feelings may be mutual.. you could be unknowingly denying yourself the opportunity to love.

Don't be skurred.

EssenceTV is BACK!!

2010-10-10T20:45:00.003-04:00

For those of you asking about my Youtube series, "EssenceTV," I'm proud to announce that now that I have a new computer, I am starting up with the webseries again! Here is a new vid explaining where I've been. Plus updates on Accutane and my Ankylosing Spondylitis! Enjoy!!

Footsteps

2010-09-26T22:59:00.001-04:00

artificial moonlight invades my solace
my eyes ajar as i view the notes tinkling from solstice
i reach out and touch it.. and my ears burn
the sound from whence the sun sets makes me want to rip out my eardrums
all peace is lost as disappointment settles

ALL is lost for me

and i walk along and watch my footsteps in the sand
left to right
i've walked alone
oftentimes i've looked and saw a second pair drift towards me, only to drift away in silence
but who cares, really.

walk on, simple entity.
four footsteps will remain someday.

is it that i see in you what no one else sees?

your melody is enticing, passive. yet corresponding notes cause a flatness to your harmony.

wrapped in a parcel shrouded by faux perfection, i was blind but now i see.

my heart stands strong with optimism
though my mind stresses ALL is lost
my eyes stare at my footsteps in the sand, content upon the rolling grains
forced to travel to the deepest point of each newly-formed valley.

my mind shifts and my heart stops sometimes as i walk
i shake my head furiously.. want to cast it away

from cocaine to extasy to heroin.
it's consumed by intense intrigue
i believe in Samson, diametrically opposed
but maybe that's just to ease my soul.
the effects of indulging in a drug.. allowing it power.
i see what i feel like seeing, that is all.
to each my own.

trudge on, sweet innocence.
self-perceived bane existence,
simple cloaked entity..

four footsteps will remain someday.

We can do better, but we don't.

2010-09-24T17:31:00.002-04:00

So I'm sitting here watching this awesome episode of Oprah where she and a bunch of other people are addressing the fucked up American educational system. There was a big announcement buzzing around the media that has just been confirmed by the Democratic Mayor and Republican Governor of Newark, New Jersey and Mark Zuckerberg, the Founder and CEO of Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg is giving $100 MILLION FREAKING DOLLARS towards the effort of improving the struggling schools in Newark. He wanted to remain an anonymous investor, but Oprah herself, along with the politicians involved, convinced him to identify himself as the investor publicly in hopes that other rich & wealthy folk follow in his footsteps.

And as I watch this I'm watching my mom cry.

It's definitely a beautiful thing. As a teacher myself I've been waiting for the rest of the world to obtain the same dedication as me to improve the lives of these children. But on top of all that there's another reason why my mom is crying.

Let me first tell you about what I've learned about Mark Zuckerberg. He started Facebook while a student at Harvard, right? Now he has a net worth estimated at $6.9 billion. Not 6.9 million.. BILLION. Oh, and he is 26 years old.. just one year older than lil' ol me.

NOW the 6.9 billion dollar question: What do you think black folk would do with that kinda money?

The answer is another reason why my mom is crying.

Black folk with millions of dollars spend it on stupid shit like ridiculously expensive cars, clothing, jewelry, and unnecessarily huge houses. Zuckerberg just showed his home to Oprah's cameras. That man lives in a house with his wife that looks smaller than MY HOUSE.

And not to say that rich people of other ethnicities don't also do the same thing, but what I'm saying is I get tired of folks in Black entertainment always talking about putting on for his or her city. A LOT of them say that but at the end of the day all they're trying to do is rep. Their idea of putting on for the city is getting their local football team's logo tatted on their necks. And I'm sorry but it's more than buying turkeys for a neighborhood on Thanksgiving or helping serve the homeless on Christmas. Mark Zukerberg is using his wealth to generate REAL CHANGE.

I can only hope that Zuckerberg's donation starts a chain reaction across the United States. A chain reaction of support for our educational system and the children currently engrossed in it. There are a lot of little somebodies around that will be running this country for us one day, and no one seems to care how they do. And I'm challenging the rich black folk to start thinking bigger than haircuts and bookbags and foundations that only include the occasional appearance or concert. Stop waiting until something big happens to jump up and take action. What's been happening here is way bigger than that, reified into a system that's unchangeable. Ya'll can do better.. you just don't. And I think it's selfish, quite honestly.

Thoughts?