The Evolving Gentleman

Cash and its many uses...

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:44:00 +0000

It's been said many times and many ways that cash is King. However this post is not about the golden rule (he who has the gold makes the rules); it is about the usefulness of cash.

I think I have avoided this post in the past because I presumed that this was a well known fact of life. Recent events however made it clear to me that it is not standard operating procedure for all men.

I suggest that a gentleman carry cash so that he may properly be prepared for the unpleasantness that life will sometimes put in his way. Allow me to provide some examples from own life that will help demonstrate the usefulness of hard currency.

Many years ago I attended a singles wine mixer with a friend. The mixer was oversubscribed and there was a significant lack of room available for comfortable movement. As is likely to happen in such situations people were bumping into one another with nary an apology. As I am not one to gulp wine, which of course should never be done, I was still working a rather full glass of a forgettable red wine (that should give you an indication of how bad it was, I cannot even remember the type). Inevitably I was bumped and much to my dismay I did not manage to spill the wine upon myself. No, the bump jostled me left to right and thus caused a few ounces of wine to escape my glass and land upon the trouser of a young woman standing near.

Now in my young age I did not know much, however I did know that red wine stained and should be treated promptly. I interrupted the young lady's conversation and informed her of the events that had just transpired and where the stain was on the back of her leg. I offered to pay for the dry cleaning bill and handed her a twenty as compensation for that bill. She proceeded to call me a few choice names and then departed, I presume for the ladies room to dab some water on the stain.

Other occasions where cash has come in handy, while out to dinner with my wife. We had gone to a new restaurant and just ordered our drinks when we discovered exactly how noisy the room was. The restaurant was not crowded in many way, it had very poor acoustics. My wife and I sitting opposite each other at a small table could not hear each other, but could hear the soft whispers of the couple on the other side of the room. While I am sure that such an arrangement is helpful for someone, somewhere, it was not helpful at all for us. We were looking for a quiet romantic restaurant. By having cash I was able to call the waiter over and pay for our small bill without an undue delay while a credit card was charged etc.

Cash is also very handy when out with a group of people and you need or want to leave early before the check has arrived. If you have paid attention to the cost of items on the menu you can be sure to leave enough cash. A few months ago some co-workers of mine gathered at a local watering hole after work. I had a prior engagement later that evening and knew I would be leaving before the gang left. I was mindful of the menu prices when I ordered an appetizer and a drink. This allowed me to leave the gathering at my convenience and put enough cash on the table to cover my portion of the bill. As I laid the money on the table I was assured by the group it was too much, I assured them it was fine and parted company.

There we have three occasions offering us reasons to be sure to carry cash. How much you should carry depends on several factors, how much you can, where you are and the relative prices of things, etc. On some days you may need to carry more than on other days.

"Buy American, The job you save may be your own."

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:00:00 +0000

The title of today's blog was a popular bumper sticker in the early 1980's with union workers. This past Memorial Day weekend I saw it on back window of a newer Chevy pickup in Ohio.

Although I don't work in the manufacturing fields, I can't say I disagree with the sentiment. A few years ago I was in favor of persuading my employer to offer a telecommuting program. However, before I got too far into it I realized that if they thought I could do my job remotely, how long would it be before they off-shored my job?

Back to the bumper sticker. I've been considering the purchase of another vehicle for my household. The current economic crisis has made it a good time to buy if you happen to be fortunate enough to have an income and a good credit score. More specifically I've been thinking about buying a GM pickup truck. What I've discovered is that in all probability the Chevy pickup sporting that "Buy American" bumper sticker, was most likely made in Mexico. It seems that all of the GM trucks I've been looking at were assembled in Mexico. I should mention that I've owned three prior GM vehicles, 1 made in the USA (Janesville, Wisconsin) and 2 made in Canada.

Moral of this tale? Be careful of what bumper stickers you choose.

7 decades and not much has changed

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 02:38:00 +0000

The other night I was flipping though my 57 channels, and nothing was on, as The Boss said. In truth it was more like 398 channels, and there was something on. "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington", Frank Capra's 1939 picture about a naive man who is appointed to fill a vacancy in the US Senate. It's truly a wonderful movie, as most of Capra's are. So interesting in fact that despite the late hour that I found it, I stayed up until the following morning to finish watching it.

What was most interesting, cinematic technique aside, was the Washington D.C. power game as it was in the 1930's. The sad part is that I'm not sure things have changed all that much in the past 70 years. Powerful men still continue to tell our politicians what to do. Politicians remain more concerned with keeping their jobs than with doing their jobs.

I supposed I can't fault politicians for that last one. Many in the corporate world are currently consumed with keeping their jobs. Just the other day my boss told me that it was more important than ever that our team be perceived as adding value to the company. And here I thought it was more important that we actually add value. Typically I operate under the presumption that I'm adding value, and as long as my boss sees it that way all is good. Apparently these tough economic times have changed that. We now need to have others think we add value, even if we aren't.

I've heard that there is to be a new version of the movie "Wall Street", released near the 25th anniversary of the original. Timely in a way, no? The original was released shortly after a market stumble and before the 1991 economic fall out. With any luck the new one won't be followed by an economic fall out.

I guess the saying is true, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

An Ambassador of your Country

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Wed, 27 May 2009 23:26:00 +0000

It's been five years since I last left North American soil, and my how the times have changed. But much like the duality expressed in a Charles Dickens novel, at the same time times haven't changed. Thus I wish to share with you some thoughts on traveling.

Whether you are traveling domestically or internationally remember that you are representing your country, region, city, etc. to those that you meet. I don't mean to sound like a parent there, but if you think about it, it's true. The further you travel from home the more true it is. Why? Well that's simple really, the further you are from your home the greater the odds that those you meet will only have you to go by as a representation of people from your country, region, city, etc.

It has often been said that first impressions are lasting. Like most quotes of old folk wisdom, it was said because it is true. Think about the people you've met from countries and regions other than your own. Who lived the furthest from you? How many people from that local have you met since or prior? See it's all starting to make sense now isn't it.

Now I'm not suggesting that you not be yourself. That really doesn't do anyone any good. If you're not yourself then you won't be convincing at it, and you'll then seem insincere and everyone will think that people from where you live are insincere. What you should try and do is to be the best model you that you can be. Be on your best behavior, mind your manners as your parents taught you (or as you learned from school or television if your parents didn't teach you manners).

Americans are constantly berated by Europeans, and others, for being very rude, arrogant, selfish, brash and outspoken. While this may be an appalling characiture to many Americans it stems from years of people exactly like that traipsing all over Europe. In defense of Americans I will say that every country has people who are rude, arrogant, etc. and teenagers are teenagers the world over.

While I was in the Tate Modern a few weeks ago there were two groups of school children there as well. One group German, the other French. Both groups were equally loud, rude, and inconsiderate of the other patrons of the museum. Had I not previously been to either Germany or France I would now only have that impression of their teenagers, and if I were a small minded person, would be thoroughly convinced that all French and Germans were loud and inconsiderate. I offer that little tale up as an example of why it pays to be on your best behavior when traveling. Because whether you want to be or not, you will be looked as representative of all your fellow countrymen.

Gentleman of the Week

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 12:43:00 +0000

Much has already been written about The Daily Show interview with Jim Cramer and Jon Stewart so I won't belabor the interview here. I will say however that given the nature of Jon's show and his passion for the topic at hand, he conducted himself in as gentlemanly a fashion as was possible, perhaps more so.

Props to Jon Stewart and The Daily Show.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 1

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

Watches

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 12:19:00 +0000

Perhaps it's a "guy" thing, but I really do enjoy watches, the intricacy of the movements the various designs possible. When I think about it, they are really one of the few items men can use to accessorize that don't all look like everyone else's. However I should probably clarify that, the possibility is there for them not to look like everyone else's. Certainly if you take a look at the wrists of most men in a major city they all seem to be wearing copies of each others.

At least I've noticed over the past few years a trend for men to wear large chunky metal banded sports watches with nearly everything. Now I have nothing against these sport watches, a number of them have caught me eye, the Omega Seamaster, Rolex Daytona, nearly anything by Tag Heuer. They are all attractive designs. They are designs that are best worn with casual attire.

For more formal attire (like your everyday suit for the office) I think that a subtle style would go over better. Something thin, perhaps a black leather band. The watch should complement the suit and the wearer, not be big and crass shouting "hey look at me!!" After all a Gentleman would never do such a thing himself and likewise shouldn't let his possessions do that for him.

This pairing of watch to clothing is a statement in and of itself about the wearer. What message is your watch, clothing, in general you're outward appearance, giving off? If you're trying to give off a impression of wealth remember that the truly wealth don't flaunt it. The have nice possessions yes, and you can tell by the cut of their clothing that it's better quality, but it's not shouting in your face.

The Atlanta to Pittsburgh via St Louis Favor

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 20:12:00 +0000

A gentleman should always be willing to do favors for his friends, particularly when it is something they are not capable of doing for themselves. But what about when you're asked by a friend to do a favor for one of their friends who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

On the evening of the 23rd I received a frantic call from a friend who needed to ask a favor. He wanted me to invite someone to have Christmas dinner with me. If my wife and I were hosting Christmas dinner this would not have been a problem. However we were not. We were in fact traveling to my parents for the holiday, a few hours away. "Oh, well do you think you could secure an invitation for this person?" was the reply of my frantic friend.

For the record, it is in incredibly bad form to ask someone to ask their host for an extra invitation.

The situation was described to me in parts, which when added together will make no sense to anyone. Least of all me. To clear things up a little, and make for an easier read, I'll call my friend "Chris" and his friend "Lucy". Okay, on with the tale.

Chris had previously invited Lucy to join him for the holiday. Lucy is in the area on a business project for the year and is hundreds of miles away from her family. This sounds very sweet and I fully encourage the welcoming of people into ones homes for the holiday's.

Chris explained that over the prior weekend he injured himself, and that was why he was asking if I could take Lucy in for the holiday. Thinking that this must be a serious injury if he was trying to find someone else to look after Lucy I inquired as to the nature. "Oh it's nothing really, I'll be back at work tomorrow." I started to wonder why he could return to work, but not accept Lucy's company the following day.

It was then that Chris remembers that our friend Joe lives closer to Lucy, and it would be easier for Joe to take her in for the holiday. It would be easier for Joe, however he already has full house with children, their spouses, and grandchildren. I'll just throw this in as a piece of relevant information, Joe and I have only meet Lucy three times, during which she's barely spoken to us.

About fifteen minutes later I get a call from Chris again, Joe is going out of town for the holiday and won't be able to take Lucy in, would I mind trying to get her invited to my family's dinner. "I'll see what I can do." I hang up with Chris and call my mother, as I'm talking with her Chris called 10 times during my conversation, never leaving a message. On the 10th call I put my mother on hold, figuring there's some sort of emergency for Chris to be so relentless in his calls. No emergency, just another idea. I do manage to secure an invitation from my mother, for Lucy. God bless my mother, she has a very warm heart, I knew if I explained the situation properly she'd welcome Lucy with open arms. I call Chris back with the news and he informs me he'll try and reach Lucy and get back to me tomorrow.

The following day Chris calls, Lucy doesn't want to impose on my family so now Chris wants me to drive Lucy to his place on my way to my parents. Geography is a pain, especially when you know it and others don't. This plan would have made sense if Chris' was along the way, but it wasn't. Imagine going from Atlanta to Pittsburgh, but stopping in St. Louis first.
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That was what I was now facing. I asked Chris why Lucy just didn't drive herself out to his place, she had a new car, was college educated, not in poor health, and the weather was going to be clear.

Then Chris explained that she was hopeless with directions and that if I didn't drive her out to his place (his injury made it difficult for him to drive) she'd just spend the holiday by herself in her little apartment with no heat, probably crying all day.

This caused a whole host of questions on my part. Why was she in an apartment without heat? Why doesn't she do something about it, like call the landlord? Because she lacks communication skills. What?! She's in a management training program at her company, how can she lack communication skills? How can she not know how to read turn by turn directions from mapquest or google maps? From all outward appearances she's a competent person, why is she being presented as incompetent?

On the ride back she thanked me for the lift and explained that she'd have just spent the day watching TV in her apartment. At that I could no longer resist, "Really?! You have a car, no? You could have driven yourself anywhere." And with that Lucy didn't say a word for the rest of the trip.

What troubles me about the situation was that she didn't even try. From where she was to Chris' is three roads and four turns in 50 miles. It frankly isn't that complicated, but it is time consuming. It doubled my driving time each direction.

A coworker of mine recently moved to a new town and is learning where everything around her is. Her second night at her new place she got lost trying to get to the shopping center. She called her boyfriend in a panic because she was lost. Turned out she was only 200 yards from the shopping center, a fact that she laughs at today, but at least she tried it on her own.

My wife has a friend who has lived her entire life in a major city and does not have a car nor has she learned to drive a car. If we're going by her place and she needs a lift that's on our way, we're happy to oblige

There are a lot of things to take away from this little holiday tale. I'll let you pick what you should take away. I only ask that you provide a comment of what I should say to Chris. I'm torn in my own emotions since I agreed to the favor, and yet I'm very annoyed at Lucy for not even trying.

How would you have handled the situation?

Media

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 05:11:00 +0000

My original thought was to post a list of the year's most ungentlemanly people... however that seems to fly in the face of what this blog is about. "Ahha!" I thought, "I'll make it a list of those who displayed the characteristics a gentleman should posses!" And then I realized that would be nearly impossible, since the media only reports the bad things people do. Rarely are the good deeds considered news-worthy.

Spreading the Holiday Cheer

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 04:59:00 +0000

Happy Holiday's one and all.

I was going to write a little guide to holiday tipping, however I'm sure I would have missed some situation and that would have distressed someone. Instead I will offer this little bit for your consideration.

If you are about on a Holiday and require the services of wait staff, or others, be as kind as you can and tip more than you usually would. Remember that for various reasons they are working on a day that they, and you, would most likely rather be at home with family and friends. If you are fortunate enough to have the day off (even if it's not 'your' holiday), the least you can do is spread some of that seasonal cheer.

How not to embarrass your children

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 02:19:00 +0000

While I do not have children at this time, I was none-the-less struck by the profound wisdom of a UK columnist last week with his guide on how not to embarrass one's children. If you click the title of this post you should be taken to the column.

What makes it even more interesting is that the behavior referred to not only occurs in the UK, but occurs here in the US as well. Perhaps lending credit to the statement that we are more alike than those in the UK would like to admit. Perish the thought!

Do have a read of the article, especially if you have children.

Bigger Fish to Fry

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 03:39:00 +0000

A few weeks ago the chap from my local car dealer had come by the office to pick up my car for some non-routine service. As per the usual custom they had a driver bring a loaner vehicle for me while mine was being serviced.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he arrived, I greeted him in my lobby as usual and proceeded to go about filling out the required paperwork for the transaction. Then he asked if I was still with the same insurer from last time. As I am, I indicated in the affirmative, slightly pleased that after 4 and a half years of this the dealer had improved their process and had my information on file. Then the drivers tone became most unpleasant and almost hostile, "I can't leave our car with you then. We have this memo and we can't let you drive our car if you have that insurance." Needless to say I was a bit dumbfounded, I'd never had a problem before and never heard of any change in policy. As I tried to comprehend what was going on and it's direct impact to me, and getting my car serviced, we came to the agreement that he would take my car back to the shop, along with the keys to his car.

This of course was perfectly acceptable to me. The dealer had only once not been able to finish up my requests on the same day, and I suspected they'd be able to this time as well. When I mentioned to the driver that all was fine and I'd probably have it back in the afternoon I was then hit with a barrage of comments about him not being a mechanic and not being able to guarantee anything. I should note here that I hadn't asked him to guarantee anything, nor make any predictions. Yet still he was quite hostile in his general demeanor.

Wanting to get back to my day, and my car on it's way to the "workshop", I reassured him I was okay with all of this and that I should walk him out to my car. As we were walking he relaxed a bit and said "I guess someone's gonna get chewed out for this huh?!" What struck me was both the question and the mild excitement in his tone. Was he used to delivering this news and having people fly off the handle at him? Did he think that was common practice by those who owned this marque?

I replied to his question with "No, I've got bigger things to worry about today. If I get the chance I'll call over and find out more about this, but I really do have more important things to be concerned with."

I mention this here and now, because we all have more important things to concern ourselves with than trivial little matters like this that apparently have sent some people off the deep end.

If you truly don't have bigger concerns, can I trade lives with you? I can't imagine a life where the only thing I could possible need to flip out over is that someone forgot to tell me about a policy that would in no way impact my day.

As you work towards becoming a gentle person yourself remember your manners and when people you encounter deliver bad news (save the truly horrible kind) remember that there are bigger things to be concerned with and don't flip out at them. Flipping out is not what a gentleman would do. If the situation is very troubling then you know in the future not to do business with that organization. If for some reason you must continue to do business with them, then you can only smile and not let it bother it you.

In case you were wondering, yes my car was returned within the day as I expected, and no I never did call anyone and "chew them out". When I spoke with the service adviser about the work that had been done I did ask about the policy and he offered to send along a letter outlining it. No fuss, no muss.

What if I had needed a car that day? I probably would have just rescheduled the service for another time. Would that be an inconvenience? Absolutely. Would it be worth getting all upset about? Probably not.

The sky is falling….

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 02:36:00 +0000

The past few weeks have been very trying for those who work for financial firms. With the markets all over the place and uncertainty about a government ordained rescue / bail out / investment I’m glad to see that there is one man who’s not losing his cool over the matter. Well okay maybe two men. John Bogle and Warren Buffett. If you search for video interviews of Mr. Bogle on Bloomberg or Morningstar you’ll find that he keeps saying the same thing. What’s even better is that he’s been saying that same thing for well over 20 years!! It doesn’t get any more consistent than that folks.

If you’re new to investing I would highly recommend that you purchase, or borrow from your local library, his book “The Little Book of Common Sense Investing” it contains those invaluable pearls of wisdom that can seem simple at first blush, but hold mountains of truth.

The Evolving Gentleman hereby tips is hat to John C. Bogle, founder of the Vanguard Group and champion of the everyday man.

I’m writing this week about the “financial crisis” because it didn’t have to be. While it’s impossible to pin down the exact cause of it, we can safely say that the motivating factor for all the causes was greed. We all know that we shouldn’t spend more than we earn, yet millions of people do exactly the opposite every year, in the US the average consumer credit card debt is around $40,000 last time I checked. Pile on a home mortgage, an auto loan, and you’ve got the makings of a mess. When we let businesses do that, and do it in a much larger scale, we’re really playing with fire. Add in investments in securities instruments that a lot of people barely understand and can’t figure out how to price… well you have the situation we’re currently in. All is not lost however, the stock markets will once again return to their patterns of growth. It’s what they do. Time after time. Cycle after cycle.

I’m not going to offer you advice on what to do with your investments, because I would say now looks like a good time to be buying investments. Nor can I offer you advice on how to survive a possible economic downturn, because you needed to prepare 5 years ago, anything you do now will most likely feel like too little, too late.

How do we avoid making these mistakes next time? Simple, don’t have debt you can’t afford. Some things it’s nearly impossible not to have, for example a home mortgage. The prices of homes over the past 3 decades has made it nearly impossible for the middling people (like yours truly) to pay cash for a home. While it may be necessary, you can protect yourself by being smart about it. For example if long term interest rates are near historic lows, get a fixed APR on your mortgage. If rates are at historic lows they’re not likely to go down much more. They’re actually more likely to rise, so if you get an adjustable rate mortgage you’ve almost guaranteed yourself an increasing mortgage payment. I know way too many “smart” people who did this and they’re now in danger of losing their homes.

Another way you can protect yourself is to not buy more home than you can afford. I understand the temptation, I do. I too would like to have one of those homes you see on Cribs, or other celebrity shows, but I’m not a celebrity, I don’t have royalties from my last album coming in so I can’t afford a place like that, and most likely neither can you. Stay within your means, you can always trade up later if you need or want to. Additionally don’t over pay for what you’re buying. A few years ago homes in the US were selling for more than the asking price. It was what was termed “a sellers market”. When you go to buy a home ask yourself how much you’d pay in rent for the place. If your mortgage and taxes, etc. are the same or less than what you’d pay in rent consider the price about right. (The logic of this comes from the fact that when a landlord rents a place out he must incur all the expenses a home owner does, mortgage, taxes, etc., and make a little profit on top of that. So if your all in number as an owner would be higher than you’d be willing to pay in rent for the property, you’re paying too much for the property.)

Now I know that someone will comment that I’m not factoring in the tax advantage of owning property or the benefits of increasing equity in the home, to which I can only say they’re right. Because what’s important is that you’re able to make those monthly mortgage payments without straining yourself to do so. Tax breaks are nice, equity is nice, but they don’t help you pay the bills month to month, you need to be concerned about your monthly cash flows. Whatever you get back from the tax man at the end of the year is bonus money.

Next up is personal savings. As the wonderful book “The Richest Man in Babylon” states, 1/10 of all you earn is yours to keep. It doesn’t really matter where you put it, your bank, a mutual fund, your 401k, buried in a tin in the back yard; keep 1/10 of what you earn for yourself. Meaning live on 90% of what you earn. Does that mean cutting back on the luxuries for some of us? Yes! For those that are living paycheck to paycheck I know that’s very tough to do. I won’t deny that in some situations it’s nearly impossible, but try. If when you get a raise you put that money in the bank you’ll be starting. And after all you were surviving, perhaps barely, without the raise before, so hold on to that money.

Holding on to our money brings us to credit cards. These too are almost impossible to live without. But we really need to try and live without them. Keep one around for your emergency expenses, like buying a last minute ticket to fly across the country for a family emergency. Don’t use it for your everyday expenses, unless you’re getting rewards points and you pay it off every month. However I’ve found that with most people as long as the money is still in their bank account they’ll spend that money over and over until it’s not in their account anymore. Also if you carry a balance on your credit card you’re paying interest on that money, and most credit cards aren’t low interest. So why give money to someone who hasn’t really given you anything in return for it? (If you like to do that you can send it to me, at least I’ve given you these lovely posts to read.) The best advice I can give is don’t use the credit card for everyday items, use a debit card. Most merchants actually prefer debit cars as well since the transaction charges are less for them on debit cards than credit cards.

If the bankers had only acted responsibly, and protected consumers, and businesses, from themselves we wouldn't be in the mess we're currently in, at the very least it wouldn't be this big.

Acting in a responsible way is the way of a gentleman, in case you were wondering the relevance to this blog.

I think that’s enough for today, and I hope the length of this post makes up for my silence over the past months. I won’t bore you with details, it’s been a blur of a year.

Funerals and Death

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 04:12:00 +0000

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must attend a funeral, or at least offer consolation to those who’ve lost someone. For me, my first funeral was when I was 5 years old. My grandmother passed away. I’m not sure how it was explained to me at the time, but I do recall never again asking when grandma was coming or when we were going to her house. (Perhaps that was the one good thing about religion, it provided the background for God and Heaven).The fortunate thing about that is that no one expects you, at 5, to do much other than sit there and be sad (and perhaps a bit rambunctious). However as we get older we’re expected, or compelled, to offer some condolence to those left behind. Not long ago a co-worker lost a family member, when he told me he explained it best I think by saying that he never knew what to say when people would tell him that someone they knew passed so he didn’t expect much from us either.

A few weekends ago I spent 5 hours (mentioned in another post) driving to and from the funeral of a pleasant lady who attended my wedding. This had to be one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve done. I hadn’t meet this lady before my wedding, nor have I seen here since. And yet here I was driving with my wife to attend her funeral. She was a friend of my wife’s family, and as such I have no problem supporting my wife with the loss. But it raised once again that question of “What do I say?” Personally I find it’s easier to say something relevant when I know the deceased. Fortunately my wife did the talking this time. However in the past I’ve gone with the tried and true “I’m sorry for your loss.” I have to admit that it sounds a bit insincere, however I do think that most people recognize that it is an awkward occasion and there really isn’t much else to say.

Additionally I would add that it’s common practice to never talk ill of the deceased, not ever. (Unless they hacked up people in their basement for fun.) Not too long ago I broke that rule. I wasn’t doing it to be vicious or mean, it just occurred during the course of conversation about how people tend to do certain things, or feel a certain way about things. I never mentioned his name, and the friends I was with never met him. I will say that I don’t advise that it be done. However if you find yourself in a position where you do, do like they do in the movies change the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty.

Wait & Service staff

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 16:13:00 +0000

Throughout your life you’re going to have some sort of interaction with wait and service staff. Most of these interactions will be pleasant, some will be less so. No matter what remember that those folks are trying to make a living in a demanding occupation. (Don’t believe it’s that demanding? You try waiting on tables on a busy Friday night.) Under all conditions be as pleasant as possible. If an order comes out wrong, apologize and explain that perhaps you miss ordered and what you really meant was ___. Note, you can only do that if you’re still asking for the same thing just slightly different. Recently this happened to me, at a dinner I ordered a hamburger with cheese and fries. However what came out was a hamburger and cheese fries. I explained to the waiter that I must have misspoken, and he promptly brought out regular fries.

Additionally, if you make a mistake, own up to it. Not long ago I was having some trouble with math, simple addition was being deemed too remedial for my brain, and thus it was making comical errors. While adding the tip to a bill I messed up the numbers and did the addition wrong, this was probably because I was trying to talk to the parties at the table while doing the addition. Fortunately we were still at the restaurant when the waitress noticed the error and she approached with bit of trepidation. Before she could saying anything I asked if I had made a mistake (I had done a similar thing not two months prior) and extended my hand to take the check back from her. I admitted my error and apologized for the trouble.

Recently I had occasion to dine with another party at their expense (almost the best type of dining experience). The check came and was paid. As we were leaving the waiter noticed that he had made a mistake and undercharged us. He caught us and explained the error. My host presented his credit card again and waited for the waiter to return with the corrected receipt. While waiting my host called the waiter a “putz” in his absence. I found that disrespectful and wanted to comment that I found it hard to believe that in my hosts years of work he never made a mistake. What made the remark even more insulting to me was that the waiter was a elderly man who clearly shouldn’t have been working, but was still doing so because he needed the money. I would recommend that you take the example supplied by my host as a good example of what not to do. Under no circumstance should one be demeaning to anyone. There is no call, nor justification for it.

To that end, I would like to redirect my readers to the following post by one of my favorite columnists, Stanley Bing who yesterday remarked about his dining adventures.

Arriving Late

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 03:22:00 +0000

It happens from time to time that you will arrive late to an event, meeting, etc. There are of course a few basic rules that one should observe when arriving late. What these rules are depend upon the event to which one has arrived late.

Since it is impossible for me to cover every scenario, I will cover a few basic ones and you can use your best judgment to apply them as you need to the situation you find yourself in.

The Theater:
Should you find yourself late for the curtain the ushers will usually assist and direct you on where to go. You will typically want to take care to remove your coat and check it along with any bags you may have. Additionally if you should try to do anything that would make noise or be otherwise distracting before entering the hall. That would include turning off your cell / mobile phone, pager, etc. I shouldn’t have to mention those, but sadly, too few people can be bothered with this common courtesy.
After taking care of your coat, and electronic devices, you should enter the hall with ticket in hand. Be sure not to let the door slam behind you; hold onto it as it closes to prevent this if necessary. Stand at the rear of the hall near the door until an usher greets you. Depending on how far into the performance they are, the usher will either direct you to your seat, or to an available seat at the rear of the hall, so as not to disturb those who were able to be on time. Remain there until intermission, when you can then take your rightful seat.

An Appointment / Reservation:
If you know you’re going to be late call as soon as feasible and let them know your late, give the reason if relevant (i.e. major accident on road there, you overslept, etc.) if possible let them know when you expect to be there. This serves two purposes, first it lets them know that you respect their time enough to at least call, second if it’s an appointment that can be rescheduled it provides them the opportunity to do so. If it happens to be your doctor’s office, it lets them start seeing other patients, although you should expect to wait to be seen when you do finally arrive.
This is a good policy to follow if you are going to be late to a restaurant reservation as well. Many restaurants (at least in the US) will mark you as “no show” after 15 min. Therefore, when you do arrive you stand no chance of getting a table. If you are late through no fault of your own, many restaurants will work with you to accommodate your party when you do arrive.

Should you find yourself at something you were not expecting to be at, or don’t understand, mind your manners and know your place. If you happen to be at a religious event and it’s not your faith try to participate as much as possible. If you feel uncomfortable doing so, either remove yourself from the situation as unobtrusively as possible, or politely go through the motions of standing, sitting, kneeling and look at it as an opportunity to learn about a religion and customs you wouldn’t have normally experienced.

Rule of Thumb:
A general rule of thumb should be to blend in as much as possible and draw as little attention to one self as possible. Ideally, what you’re trying to achieve, is that if someone you knew were there, they would later come up to you and ask “when did you get here? I didn’t hear you come in.”

Inspiration for this blog

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 04:37:00 +0000

When I first thought of writing this blog I was inspired by this song. While it may have been released years ago, and I'm not a fan of pop music psychology, I find it's words still relevant. I've chosen to bold the lines that are relevant for me today.

I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear
I like my toast done on the side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I'm an Englishman in New York
See me walking down Fifth Avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an Englishman in New York

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

If "manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

Modesty, propriety can lead to notoriety
You could end up as the only one
Gentleness, sobriety are rare in this society
At night a candle's brighter than the sun

Takes more than combat gear to make a man
Takes more than license for a gun
Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can
A gentleman will walk but never run

If "manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

http://www.sting.com/discog/?v=so&a=1&id=128

Common Sense

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:10:00 +0000

It’s been said that common sense isn’t as common as it sounds and I have to say this is true beyond belief. Case in Point: according to the Washington Post the state of Virginia is considering a law that would ban text messaging while driving. Let’s skip all the philosophical discussion about how the state is imposing it’s will on it’s citizens. Instead let’s marvel at how sad it is that they even need to think about such a thing.

I’ve had a cell phone since sometime in 1994, my family has had one since the late eighties when they were the big giant things that looked like the walkie-talkies you saw in WWII movies. Never in that time has any member of my family been involved in accident while using the device. I contend this isn’t due to a miracle of odds, but rather a respect for the limits of the operator. No one ever tried writing down directions while driving and on the phone. No one ever tried navigating city streets and talking on the phone. Our cars were also usually equipped with the speakerphone option so that we could keep both hands on the wheel and continue to check our mirrors etc. Conversations on the phone were limited in length and usually only for truly pertinent information at the time. All of these habits most likely extended from my father’s extensive use of a CB radio while working as a professional driver.

The use of the speakerphone just seemed like common sense to us. It enabled us to free our hands and our concentration to the primary task at hand, driving. However that common sense seems to be lacking from a great majority of people. If it wasn’t than no state or locality would have to consider banning talking on a cell phone while driving or texting while driving.

I’m not opposed to the ban. Those who engage in behavior that distracts them from driving a vehicle are a danger to their fellow citizens and should be dealt with accordingly. If they were only putting themselves in danger I would be opposed to the ban. For example if we told them not to put their finger in a live electrical outlet, and they did, they would only be hurting themselves. At that point you would just sit back and think “Darwinism at work.” However when they put others in danger, not to mention themselves, you have to wonder what they’re thinking, or thinking with.

A new year, and no resolutions, just more posts

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:08:00 +0000

I had a chance to do some thinking about this blog over the weekend (5 hours in a car to be precise). About topics for future pieces and what I’d like to cover. I think part of reason I haven’t posted much lately is that I keep thinking I need to have long posts. However being a gentleman isn’t about things that lead one to long and elaborate posts, they’re usually short little things. They shouldn’t require much embellishment or explanation either. So on that note. Away we go into a new world of shorter thoughts.

The differences between Gifts & Presents

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 04:11:00 +0000

First, my apologies for the lack of posts recently. It is amazing how quickly time passes sometimes.

The passing of the Thanksgiving Holiday brings about one of my favorite times of year, the holidays. In my case Christmas. I’ve never been able to fully explain why I like this time of year as much as a I do. To be honest it’s quite irrational really. Perhaps it is truly the optimist in me that sees hope that all is not lost and that there is a spirit of compassion and humanity amongst us all.

As the holiday season is nearing I though it appropriate to write about gifts and presents. I had hoped to write today about the difference between a gift and a present. However, after conferring with The New Oxford American Dictionary second edition there appears to be no difference at all. Entries for both words point back to each other. However I maintain that there is a difference, terminology not withstanding, between an item given to someone because you want them to have that item, and an item given because they asked for it.

When I graduated from high school my grandfather gave me a watch. The timepiece itself is nothing spectacular. What makes that watch so special is my grandfather made the watch band. He melted the silver and poured it, tooled it and then inlayed pieces of turquoise. It’s not at all my style, never has been, but I’ve always respected the amount of work and effort he put into it. He also fashioned a silver and turquoise belt buckle for me as a child, which I still have as well. These I term “gifts”. They are items he wanted me to have. I tend to look at them as symbols that he cared enough about me to take the time to create something unique with his own hands.

“Gifts” do not necessarily have to be hand made, they do usually require some thought on the part of the giver as to the receiver. What might they like, what might they need, etc. A gift should enable the giver to display that the receiver is important to them. It should demonstrate that you’ve paid attention to them over the past year, that you understand their likes and dislikes.

“Presents” on the other hand are generally items which a person might already want. A child may have created a Christmas List and therefore there is little though required on the part of the giver.

What should the Gentleman do this holiday season? That should be obvious. If the recipient is a child, by all means give a “present”. If the recipient is an adult, try to give a “gift” if at all possible.

Money

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 03:22:00 +0000

In an earlier post I wrote about the importance of maintaining your acquaintances' anonymity in e-mails, and maintaining their contact information in confidence. In addition to maintaining the anonymity of one's contacts, a gentleman should also maintain any monetary information in confidence should he happen upon it. Furthermore, a gentleman should never reveal how much money he has or how much he earns; with the obvious exception being to his accountant. First, it's of no one's business but your own. Second, no good can come from it. As mentioned with name dropping, those who matter won't care, those who care don't matter.

My father-in-law was in town recently. He hasn't really seemed to warm up to me: thus, I confess, I wasn't particularly looking forward to his visit. The last time I saw him was at our wedding. I mention him here because he provided me with plenty of footwork experience at side stepping his questions regarding a recent promotion I received. I admit I was expecting this line of questioning, as when my lovely wife, beaming with pride, told him over the phone I had been promoted. I knew he was asking how much of a raise I got due to the way she continued the conversation. Fortunately for me, my wife happens to view this subject the same way I do, it's none of his business.

Throughout the weekend I was questioned from many different angles about the raise I got, and how much I had in the way of savings. And at each question I politely gave a vague answer such as "Well it's not enough to shop for a new Ferrari." "Is it enough for your daughter to stop working? That's a bit irrelevant, she's not ready to stop at this point." When questioned about my investments, I just mentioned that I had reallocated them in the past two years and was very pleased with their performance, averaging near 20%. This was the only time I bothered to mention a number, as he has no idea how much I do or do not have to start with, and I admit a little bit of pride in that number (not bad for a novice) caused me to let it slip. (Remember I never said I was the perfect gentleman.) That also seemed to calm him down, as after that his questions about money subsided. For those of you who are thinking that he's just being a protective father, read on.

Why, you may ask, aside from being private, do I not share these details with him? For a very good reason. If I were, everyone he talks to would know. An example will provide the best evidence. My brother-in-laws girlfriend borrowed a small sum (think in terms of Micro Loans for women in developing countries) from him two years ago, shortly after finishing her graduate degree, while trying to find a job. Until that was repaid we constantly heard him go on about how he had lent her money. She has since repaid that tiny loan, and now has a decent job with a good salary, and again we now constantly hear about the salary. I'm sure if she knew that we were being told on a regular basis how much she earned she'd be horrified. And that is why I don't share my numbers with him.

Along a similar vain, every two or three years I'll hear the press shout about how much Wall Street's bonuses are for the year, and I'm always amazed. Not at the enormity of the amount, that never surprises me; instead I'm surprised about how open they are with it, practically sending out press notices on the matter. The amount of money being paid in bonus to brokers, etc. really is a proper time for them to respond with "Our focus is on helping our clients reach their goals, therefore we pay our brokers a competitive salary and bonus to ensure that we retain the best people to meet that end." To do anything else is the equivalent of them pulling down their zippers and holding a ruler there. I do apologize for being so direct, but sometimes even a gentleman must call a spade a spade.

A good Tailor

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 03:58:00 +0000

A gentleman knows the value of a good tailor, and upon finding one develops that relationship as he would any business relationship.

I'm at a bit of a loss today. You see after 12 years of building my relationship with my tailor, he's retiring. I can't blame him for retiring, as he said, he has his health, he owns the building he's in and he's selling at a good time. He plans on traveling once again as he did when he was a young man. I do wish him the best, and while I suspect he won't be having quite the same time he did as a young man traveling the world, I know he and his wife will enjoy themselves.

As I think about how to find a good tailor now, I can't help but think back to finding J. J is a third generation tailor, and it showed. His skill and craftsmanship were excellent. In an area with as many tailor shingles out as attorney shingles, where it's equally hard finding a good one of either, it was with some relief that I happened upon J by referral. Over the years we built a good relationship, he may not have always remembered my name (I didn't visit that often) but he always remembered me. We would talk about his family, he would inquire of mine and ask about my hobby (that he could always remember, and my latest exploits with it). When I let him know I was planning a trip to Italy he put me in touch with some people who made sure I would have a good time.

There are a number of sites on the internet about the tailoring of clothes, but the key thing for the Gentleman to remember is to build a relationship. This will be a key relationship for you for many years to come. Your tailor can make a $500 suit look like a $1500 suit, or a $5000 suit look like a $5 suit (but only if you upset him).

Recommendations are the best way to find a tailor, but not the only thing to go on. I was once referred to a tailor who has a nice little shop, with outrageous prices, and pictures of all the famous people he's fitted on his wall. I don't dispute the work was first rate, but I could tell that an 'average joe' like me was never going to build a proper relationship with him.

A good tailor should listen to what you like, which means asking you some questions about the way you like to wear your clothes. He'll perhaps be a little fussy, you may see him give some customers a hard time about wearing track shoes when they're trying to get trousers fitted, or wearing a tee-shirt when fitting a jacket. Of course a Gentleman knows these things in advance and will thus dress appropriately for his fitting. He'll be wearing the shoes he intends to wear with the trousers being fitted, it's important to help with the length and the break. Likewise he'll wear a proper dress shirt when having a jacket fitted.

A good tailor should be willing to let you put the items in your pockets that you would normally carry. It will help him figure out the adjustments needed so that you look good, even when you're carrying a phone and pda in your breast pockets. If you doubt the ability of a tailor to account for your "necessities" just pay close attention to the way suits fit Secret Service agents. If a good tailor can hide a piece, he can hide a cell phone and pda.

If you ask questions about how he got into the trade he'll usually be all too happy to proudly tell you, if your question is genuine. Of course being a gentleman, you will always treat your tailor, and anyone you encounter, as an equal at the least. Remember your tailor is considerably more capable at the task at hand than you are. The tailor is a skilled craftsman, and artist really, and as such deserves your respect. I saw far too many people treat J with just a feigned respect, and it showed. Don't do it. Be sincere! One last piece of advice, if your tailor is a small business person, as many are, pay in cash.

I'm going to miss J, but I'm hoping he'll be back too. Over a spiked espresso in the rear of his shop he hinted to me that after he was done traveling he just might open a new shop. I certainly hope he does.

Anonymity

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 00:34:00 +0000

After an entertaining brunch I've decided to write today about anonymity. A Gentleman should respect every one's privacy as much as possible. That entails a number of things:

e-mails:

putting all recipients of a mass e-mail in the "bcc" section so that addresses are not displayed to everyone in your contacts list
when forwarding an e-mail removing the information about the sender, unless you are giving credit to the sender for their efforts

telephone, address & e-mail:

never giving out an acquaintances number to someone without being asked to do so by the owner of the number
if a gentleman feels that someone he knows could benefit from contacting his acquaintance he should first contact the acquaintance to see if they are comfortable with their information being handed out; the exception to this being those in sales who rely on their contact information be made available to suitable business contacts

in person:

should a gentleman find himself in a situation where in he is introduced to someone he has previously meet, perhaps under less than ideal circumstances, he should act as though he has never meet that person before unless the other party makes mention of their meeting first
if the gentleman finds himself meeting someone taking pains to avoid recognition (i.e. baseball hat pulled down tight over head, etc.) the gentleman should then avoid calling attention to that person, and again act as though he doesn't know who it is.
what should the Gentleman do if he's the one trying not to be recognized but is? Graciously thank the person for recognizing you and ask if they wouldn't mind doing you a favor, then explain that you're just running a few errands and you'd appreciate it if they'd keep it quite. If asked for an autograph, provide one, it might help with that favor you just asked. After doing so, quickly finish and then make your way out of there.

Further a Gentleman never "name drops." We all have friends of various levels of importance in their industry, community, etc. and under no circumstance should a gentleman name drop for the sake of making himself seem important. It generally only impresses people who don't matter, and those who matter won't be impressed by your lack of propriety. In fact such a display could cost the Gentleman a number of his acquaintances and contacts or worse, his employment.

What should the Gentleman do if his name is "dropped?" That, as all things do, depends on how you've come to hear of it, and in what context it was dropped. An example from my life. Shortly after having dinner with a couple my wife and I know, and a couple they knew, one of the new couple began saying to people "well my friend who owns 'such and such' says..." This made it back to me by way of the person saying it, to which I replied to her in a joking way that "yes, naturally my opinion on 'this or that' is immediately more valuable because I own 'such and such'" and we laughed. In other situations it's important to just come right out and tell the person name dropping that you don't want your name being mentioned anymore.

Of course should it come back to you from others that your name is being dropped. Apologize for any trouble caused by the name dropper and acknowledge where you know them from, if you do. (i.e. "Terribly sorry, I only know him/her from work (chance meeting, etc.). I do apologize for any trouble they caused you.")

This is by no means a comprehensive list of scenarios, but it should give you a good foundation to work from. The best policy to ask yourself, would I want what I'm about to do, done to me? Yes, that is a version of the "Golden Rule", but it works doesn't it? BTW that isn't to be confused with the Rule of Gold, where s/he that has the gold makes the rules.

Technorati Tags: Gentleman, name dropping, privacy

Initial Post

noreply@blogger.com (The Evolving Gentleman) — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 12:55:00 +0000

Thank you.

Since I decided to undertake this blog I've been struggling with the opening post. You see I am not a writer by training, occupation, or desire per se. To be honest I rather disliked all of my English classes from grammar school through university.I am but a man who would like to see the return of manners and propriety among modern men.

My dilemma was sorted for me today after seeing my company's founder at lunch. I've decided to start by thanking you for reading this blog. I do hope that I will succeed in entertaining you, and offering gentlemanly words of advice that will help you become the best version of yourself as possible.

So how did a chance sighting of my company's founder elicit such sentiment from me? I do assure you that I am not a corporate suck up. Quite the contrary indeed.

Without the courage our founder exhibited in founding this company, in this area, I would not be leading the life I currently do, which enables me to live in relative comfort and security. This is a man who took a risk to forge new trails, and succeeded. For this alone he deserves praise, however that's not all he's done. He's also managed to keep his humanity about him.

I once had the chance to meet with him and he reminded me that what we do isn't about money. It's about people. The people who are our customers, and the people who are our co-workers. Always do what's right by the people and the rest becomes easy. He is a true Gentleman. Recollecting a time when those in positions of power realized the duty they had to their fellow countrymen not to abuse that power but to make every one's life richer for it.

This is one of what I hope will be many efforts to do what's right by the people. I will attempt to show you, my readers, what it means, and how, to be a gentleman.

Being a gentleman is about more than wearing the right clothes, going to the right parties, or having the right job. Being a gentleman is about your character, how you react to situations and people.

Too many of us today see little in the way of gentlemanly examples. The ways of our fathers and their fathers have been deemed as old fashioned and quaint. As though they have outlived their usefulness. The truth however is far from this modern state of interpretation. In today's society of selfishness and greed we need the qualities of gentleman even more. Gentlemen, and Gentlewomen make modern civilized life palpable for themselves and those around them. After all one the most important qualities of a gentleman is that he makes those around him comfortable in his presence. I do hope that you will feel comfortable here.

Along the way will be posts of my opinions on many topics, product reviews, and travel pieces. I will try to avoid politics directly, however politics will appear indirectly as my stance and views on a number of topics come forward.

So what then do I bring to this endeavour? Only my desire to be a better man myself, and help others along that road; and a short lifetime of experiences. Although in the scheme of all things that one can undertake I've really only undertaken a few. However it's not the quantity of things, but the quality of them that ultimately matters. And for me they were quality experiences.

You will not find interesting tidbits abouts my latest conquests. One that's not what this is about, and second a gentleman never kisses and tells. How very vulgar and crude.

I do hope that you enjoy the posts to follow. I do have a busy life but will try to post at least bi-weekly and more often if the spirit moves me.

Thank you.